Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 509: Hand to Hand to Mouth with David Gborie

Episode Date: December 5, 2017

Comedian and podcaster David Gborie joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jesse's new nickname as coined by his son Oscar, Jordan's holiday party outfit, and David's foray into spam and other potted meats.  Plus, Holiday Patrick Warburton makes an appearance and Jesse gets invited to fancy movie premiere.  Action item: what's the best way to cook Spam?

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, a.k.a. Papa Poops. Oh man, you're gonna throw an all-new nickname at me? Yeah, right at the top. That includes poops? Right at the top of the show, Jordan. Shit, man. me yeah right includes poops right at the top of the show jordan shit man before we even get into

uh arborists which is the subject of our show okay well arbors and arborists oh boy it's not just like a uh i guess john muir maybe too much too much at the top of the show okay okay papa poops so let's address okay let's discard our subject for this week So ordinarily every week we talk about trees and those who love them. Sick of trees. But this week on the show, let's get rid of that. Yeah. Let's get right into Papa Poops. Should we introduce our guest?

Hold on. You know why fuck trees, Jesse? Why? I just found out. We've been doing this podcast for years, the topic of which is Arboree Matters. Yeah. Matters Arboreal. Do you know owls live in that shit?

I had no idea. I just found that out. What, were you reading or something? Yeah. A bird book. Huh? Because I want to study the enemy. See, here's the thing.

I want to study the enemy. I only read human books. That's my rule. Well, I will never read a bird book. No matter what, you could give me a million dollars. I would say, no thank you, sir. That book is for the birds. Anyway, owls are living in this shit rent free.

Uh-huh. On my dime. Really? Fuck trees. Let's never do a podcast about trees again. Let's just talk. Okay, should we introduce our guest on the show before we talk about Papa Poops? Yes.

Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Go. Okay. Our guest on this week's program is a beloved podcaster and a stand-up comic. He is the co-host of the podcast. That's called All Fantasy Everything, right? All Fantasy Everything. All Fantasy Everything, David Borey.

Welcome to the show. A.K.A. The Chartreuse Marauder? Yeah. For sure. Whoa! I wanted a name. No, you get one.

I wanted one. Bring it in up top. Nickname first segment. I like it. Is that coming from anywhere, or is that just... Just my moves and my actions and what they see me do in the street. It was blessed to me. Right.

I didn't make it. You earned that. No, no. You don't give yourself a nickname. I was just called Chartreuse. You'd have to be a couple of real jackasses to give yourself a... It's called chartreuse. You'd have to be a couple of real jackasses to give yourself a... You would have to be in the midst of a long series of audience alienating decisions.

Yeah. Which I always am. Yeah. It's a good way to be. I was giving my son, Oscar, who recently turned four years old, a bath. That's a fun age. He is a fun guy. He is a very fun guy.

I don't really know anything about child development. Uh-huh. But anytime anybody mentions their child and their age, I like to say, that's a fun age. Well, that's a good call. That's smart. I like to say they're eating hard foods now. Wait. Hard foods?

Hard foods. Oh, yeah. So it goes breast milk. Yes. Soft foods, then hard foods. Yeah. What would be an example? Like a lollipop?

Like a Dorito. Because you can't give a baby a chip, right? Yeah. But it works. That's true. It works for any age. Somebody's like, oh, my daughter Karen turned 28. And you're like, oh, she's eating hard food now.

You know what I do, David, is I steam the Doritos for the baby. That's because you're a good father. Yeah. You hear that, dad? Well, a lot of, see, the thing is, is a lot of parents, a lot of parents who don't really care about their kids will give their kids nacho cheese Doritos. Okay. Which is fine. That's fine.

I'm not here to judge other parents' parenting, but I make sure that I give my kids nacho cheesier Doritos. Steamed nacho cheesier. With like the corners cut off? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's good. Just round it off. Rounded, steamed Doritos. And then you take those Doritos corners and you mail them to the homeless shelter.

See? Because this is Christmas and it's a time for giving. If you ask at the shelter what do they want, you'd be surprised at the answers. It's clean socks, blankets, and Dorito Corners. I mean, they say that on the street. Really? I saw a guy yelling about Dorito Corners on the walk in. The streets is talking.

The streets is talking about Dorito Corners and they like them steamed. So I was giving my son Oscar a bath. And you meet a guy on the corner and you buy Dorito Corners and they like them steamed. So I was giving my son Oscar a bath. And you meet a guy on the corner and you buy Dorito Corners. Yeah, that's how I got my nickname. I have a man on the corner. Got it. His name is Dorito Corners. That's called living hand to hand to mouth.

Sure. So here's what happened. Oh, wait. Can I just say one more thing about child rearing? Yeah. I don't know much about it, but I do know that it goes breast milk, soft foods, hard foods, difficult foods. Like those Japanese blowfish that kill you if you don't slice them exactly right. Oh, got it.

That makes sense. So it goes through the natural progression from baby to infant to child to travel host. Yeah. Yes. Yes. So it's Japanese poison blowfish and then Lick-A-Made, which can be difficult. I don't even know what that is. So you get a – it's a pouch-based candy.

Oh, I'm already out. Yeah. Really? Did you have a bad experience with Big League, too? I had a pouch incident back in the day. With kangaroo caramel? I don't talk about it. It's not a big deal. Fair enough. Sorry. experience with big league you know i had a pouch incident back in the day with kangaroo caramel i don't talk about it okay fair enough sorry it's a pouch of powder it's a pouch of flavored powders

and then you have a candy stick and you lick the stick dip it in the powder about fun dip yeah yeah but i mean there's a lick of made i don't understand what you're i think it's another it's like a oreo hydrox situation real Lickamade? Lickamade. That's a way worse name than Fun Dip for sure. Yeah, it is. Now that I'm hearing them together. Yeah, Lickamade. Although I think if we're being comprehensive, we should point out neither is a particularly good name.

I don't know. Fun Dip. Fun Dip covers it. What do you not like about Fun Dip? It makes it seem dippy. It is dippy. You don't like dips What do you not like about Fun Dip? It makes it seem dippy. It is dippy. You don't like dips? Are you not a dip guy?

I guess I do like dips. Now that you put it in the context of dips. If you had Fun Dips out at a party, I would enjoy that. I don't know if I would want a community to do that. Really? Well, because it's like we're all – so I assume that there's just a giant bowl of the powder and then everyone's got their own stick. Yeah. You get a stick when you come through the door.

You write your name on it with a Sharpie. Once it becomes a paste, eventually it becomes a paste. And then the loser has got to drink it. No. The paste is for the baby, David. Oh, duh. Still on soft foods. I've never had kids.

Still on soft foods. So I was joking around with my son in the bath he's four fun age he's four years old that is a fun age and he said to me daddy your name is papa poops and i was charmed by that and then he went and i said oh really papa poops papa poops is that right? And he said, well, actually, I will call you Glampa. Glampa. That's a great name. The glamorous grandpa. Yeah.

Kind of like Sir Ian McKellen. Exactly. I feel like that's a lot of good foreshadowing, too. Down the road, you're going to have to get some kind of a chain. What kind of chain? You mean like a gold chain or like a restaurant chain? I mean 50-50. You're going to have to live up to that name somehow.

I could get both, like E-40. Yeah. What's the most glamorous chain? Yeah. I mean, Wingstop, according to E-40. His kids call him Glampa, for sure. Oh, yeah. Droopy's children.

Oh, yeah. They call E-40 Glampa. They call 40 Glampa. Yeah. There's no doubt about that. You should have said, hey, that's Dr. Oh, yeah. They call you 40 Glampa. They call 40 Glampa. Yeah. There's no doubt about that. You should have said, hey, that's Dr. Poops. Then go to seven years of poopical school. Yeah.

Poop. I guess. Do you feel like now, not to criticize your parenting, not to mom shame you. Right. But do you feel that was disrespectful? Do you feel like you're setting a precedent for your son calling you names in public, changing your name, comparing you to poop? Should this have been a timeout situation? I guess is what I'm asking.

Here's my worry, Jordan. I worry that you're imagining a world in which my children respect me. So this is just, this is the norm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think, I'm glad that you mentioned norm. I think I get a norm level of respect.

They're glad to see me when I come into the bar. Okay. Right. But they know that I'm an unemployed house painter. Okay. And they've never met my I'm an unemployed house painter. Okay. And they've never met my wife. Is that what Norm? Norm was an accountant, and then eventually he became a house painter.

Oh, he's talking about Vera. Yeah. That's a common trade jump. Yeah. A lot of people do that. Sure. A lot of people make that move. Absolutely.

It just makes sense. Absolutely. How are you doing, buddy? I'm doing good. Let's see. Do I have anything to talk about? Starting the holiday parties. Yeah, I see you're wearing a holiday necktie.

Well, it's a festive necktie. Okay. Here was my plan. So I got a couple. I'm jumping parties tonight. Oh, really? I'm going. I'm jumping a total of two parties.

Uh-huh. That's jumping. One of them is close. Party number one, close to Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Cantina. So let's go ahead and call it three parties. Okay. One of them I will be going to by myself before the other party. You go to the Cabo Wabo Cantina by yourself?

I mean, if I'm – listen. The Cabo Wabo Cantina. The Cabo Wabo Cantina. I'm sorry. That's my bad. If – listen, I'm not going out of my way to go to the cobwob or cantina by myself. I wouldn't be mad if you were. No.

Shouldn't leap into your path like a suicidal man into the path of a non-rushing train. Listen, here's why it's sensible. You have no choice but to run it over. Here's why it's sensible to go to the cobwob or cantina by myself tonight. Yeah. Two-party situation. So endurance is key. Right. Yeah. Work in the morning can't get too wrecked.

Okay. What time is work? Work's going to start about 8. Ooh, you got to get that base coat. So, naturally, it only makes sense to go to Cabo Wabo Cantina between the two parties. So I can, again... Drink how you want to drink. You mentioned the base. You need the base coat. Which is important. Drink how you want to drink. You mentioned the bass.

You need the bass coat. Which is important. Dance how you want to dance. Sure. The Addams Family. Yeah, I'll play how I want to play. Go Ninja, go Ninja, go. Yeah.

Ninja rap. Yeah. So here's, this, what I'm wearing now is kind of a last minute decision. Uh-huh. I was going to go with fun holiday sweater. Got it. decision uh-huh i was gonna go with fun holiday sweater got it and you know i there's a get it boy it's a fine line boy it's a fine line between fun holiday sweater and ugly christmas sweater that makes you look like an asshole or like bold political statement i never even considered bold

political statement you got it yeah they're doing crazy stuff with all you can get like a free palestine yeah christmas sweater these days They're doing crazy stuff with all. You can get like a free Palestine Christmas sweater these days. They're doing crazy stuff. Wow. That seems like the wrong medium for the Palestinian people. You know, at this point, it's just whatever works. You got to just shotgun approach whatever sticks to the wall, you know? They're also making free Palestine Buddhas now.

Sure. Write it on some matzah. Yeah. Why don't you? So I bought one of these things, and I liked it in the store. Now, what is this? Where is this sweater that you purchased on the continuum? The continuum from, is it a full joke sweater?

No. Or a fun sweater? Yeah, like it doesn't say, like for instance, when I was shopping, I saw one that said, single and ready to jingle. Oh, I love it. Borey likes it. Yeah, I'm in.

Now, is there something charming about single and ready to jingle? Sure. I don't – that's not – I don't think that's – that's not what I – I'm not the guy who wears single and ready to jingle. Every day I'm cringling. That's – where did you go? Where's the store? I mean, this is basically what I spent my weekend doing. Going to various stores and looking at their fun holiday sweaters.

Go traveling from Hot Topic to Target and back. Yes, exactly. Maybe hit the Old Navy. That's a good weekend. Stop into Lids and see if they're throwing any curveballs. They're not. They are never that. So I got this fun holiday sweater, and I'm like, great.

This is fun. I'm going to project an air. And, you know, not too goofy, but it's got some snowflakes. It had a reindeer in a scarf. But it doesn't say anything. It does not say anything. Because you don't want to be that guy, huh? I do not want to.

Yeah, I don't think so. Did I consider the Deadpool one? Sure. Yeah. But, and I'm trying this thing on on and I'm walking out the door. I'm like, fuck. This sucks. It just – I just – I don't know why.

Something about it sucks. It doesn't fit right. It's – I don't know. So I – last minute, I think I'm just doing tie-in blazer, not particularly holiday-themed. I don't know how I feel at this point. Did I chicken out? Did I make the right decision? Am I a coward?

Am I not fun? Do I not have holiday spirit? I don't know. I'm very happy with you, Jordan. Thank you. I want you to know that I believe in you a thousand percent. You got on a nice burgundy and forest green knit tie. It's perfect for a casual gathering.

It's like a grown-up Christmas tie. Thanks, guys. I feel not fun. You look like a sophisticate. I feel like I'm going to roll into this thing and people are going to go, look at stuffed shirt over there. You look like a breezy sophisticate now. Should you have stuffed your shirt? No.

But you can take out the stuffing when we're done podcasting. Yeah, shoulder pads are not necessary. Here's what I... But you hear how hard Bori laughed at single and ready to jingle? I should have got it! There's still time. It was really charming. I can still stop by that Target and get single and ready to jingle. Do you want to do that, though? You want to be that guy

stopping in to get the funny shirt before you go to Cabo Wabo by yourself? I guess the man in that sweatshirt eating at Cabo Wabo alone is particularly sad. You have to be surrounded by people with that shirt. That's not a loan. Sure. That's not an alone shirt. Now I have to tell women I'm ready to jingle.

Which is, you know, that's tough. You can't have it printed on a card, like a calling or business card. Oh, sure. You know, like how Bill Murray gives you't have it printed on a card, like a calling or business card. Oh, sure. You know, like how Bill Murray gives you that card that says you met him. Yeah. I can just have one that says ready to jingle. Yeah. It'll be kind of loud, so I'll have to be like, hi, I'm ready to jingle.

My name's Jordan. Jordan. Jingle. Well, bye. Gotta go to Cabo Wabo Canteen right now. I'll save a stool. I'll save the stool next to me. And you, okay.

If you want to lay down a base coat. You gotta lay down a base. Adam's family. Papa poofs. I think this is going to go great tonight. I actually have – I am facing a very similar or at least parallel dilemma in my life right now, which is that I have been – I want to put in context the thing that I'm about to talk about because it will sound name-droppy. But I just want to make it clear that I have no – the minor celebrities listed in this anecdote are the only minor celebrities I know. At least the only ones that haven't been on Jordan Jesse Coe before.

I'm very excited. Okay. So I know Rian Johnson a little bit. He's a really lovely dude and he is the director of the upcoming Star Wars movie. Now what's this? Star Wars is like, ah, geez, what is it? What is, it's not sci-fi. That's, that's for sure.

I, I would call it a space opera. Okay. Now when you say space. Yeah. It's like a, uh, do you know Neil deGrasse Tyson, the scientist? Oh, the wrestler. The former college wrestler. Yeah. Okay, yeah.

Neil deGrasse Tyson. I do know. From college wrestling. Yeah, from college wrestling. Most people, I say scientist, most people either know him as the college wrestler or the jerk from the internet. Yes. Those are the two.

That guy had a mean half Nelson. Yeah. Back in 78. And the man who convinced me that I was wrong to enjoy Jurassic Park. Are you serious? Oh, that's something Neil deGrasse Tyson does on Twitter is he'll like explain why the popular movie at the time could never happen. Yeah.

I mean, he will explain. It's a movie though. That's why it goes because it could never happen. Yeah. I mean, he will explain. It's a movie, though. That's why it goes, because it could never happen. I don't think he knows. I don't watch Legally Blonde because I think that could happen. I watch it because I want to feel good. One time I interviewed Neil deGrasse Tyson, and I asked him if the infinite nature of space ever made him feel scared, and he made me feel bad for asking that.

Oh, yeah. He put you in a half Nelson? He basically said I was a space pussy. Then he hit you with a folding chair. And he does not know that pussies are strong. That is the craziest insult I've ever heard. He was really mean to me. So this Star Wars

movie. So, okay. This sounds kind of like a Jupiter ascending or a Valerian in the City of a thousand planets. Kind of like one of those. Uh, yeah. How similar is it to Valerian in the city? Is it like homeboys in outer space? Have you seen that one where, where Netflix, where's that revival by the way? Have you seen that one where Sean Connery wears the singlet? Oh, Zardoz. Yeah. So this is a Zardoz. Okay. singlet? Zardoz, yeah. So this is a Zardoz. Kind of a Zardoz.

So I, and I am, I think, hopefully, fingers crossed, knock on wood, Ryan's going to come on Bullseye. And so I had to go see the movie for it. Star Wars. Because it's Star Wars, there's no advanced screenings of the movie. You don't get to see it ahead of time. You know, normally they

just send me a Vimeo link with a password or something like that. And so they invited me to the premiere of the movie in Hollywood. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. Like on the carpet? Yeah. Well, I don't think I get to walk the carpet. Well, I mean, but you get to see it.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You get to be near the carpet. Yeah. And you can see if it matches the drapes. It's at Grauman's Chinese or whatever. One of these giant 2000 seat movie theaters in Hollywood. Jesse, you know what you'll be close to after the movie?

What's that? Combo Wobble Cantina. Right up there. You can go alone. Base coat. Base coat. Base coat. I just assumed you were going to say Frederick's of Hollywood.

That's where I was planning on stopping in. Well, if you're in... I was going to get myself a nice singlet. Is that a real store? Yeah. Ooh, I only know it from catalogs I used to steal from my mother. Oh, there's a real store. Wow.

With all that... You think strippers do all their shopping online? Are you calling my mother a stripper? They got to get in? Sample the product. Yeah, that was, yes. Apparently she was. I don't know why she was getting those. I mean, she wasn't getting them, but I don't know why they were going to the house.

Maybe she was just a normal woman who wanted to feel sexy sometimes. That's a good point. I think she's just fun, too. My mom likes wacky prints. You're fun. I'm fun. I like wacky prints. Yeah.

Yeah. But like underwear. Yeah. Yeah. I like socially aware prints. Yeah. But like underwear. Yeah. I like socially aware prints. Like Sign of the Times. I don't. That's the worst kind of prints. Everything post

Jehovah's Witness. That's the prints for me. Rainbow Children. So my wife and I are going to this Star Wars premiere. That sounds like the most fun thing in history. I've lived in Los Angeles for 10 years or whatever, and I've never been to a movie premiere before. And I am excited about it, but I was terrified because what am I supposed to wear?

Because the only movie screenings I've ever gone to are critics screenings. Right. In which case, what I should wear is, well, I was going to say dirty pajamas. Basically. To each his own. Or like, because I've been to a few of these too. Right. I worked in this business for a while.

Yeah. I'd say, yeah, it's either full pajama or pipe tobacco stained corduroy blazer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That cherry tobacco. And I mean, I could probably handle the second. Sure. If it came to it, I could come up with such a blazer.

Yeah. You could really fuck up a blazer. Yeah. Absolutely. So I didn't know what to do about it. So I was like racking my fucking brain trying to come up with how I'm supposed to dress for this thing. So I know I'm not going to walk the red carpet. Right.

But at the same time, I don't want to be disrespectfully casually dressed. And also, I like to dress nice. That's a hobby of mine. I don't get to go out with my wife that much. We're going to go to a fancy thing that's got like a dinner afterwards and shit. Dress up. Peacock a little bit. Exactly.

No, I'm with you. Exactly, David. I understand. Exactly. So, but I was worried about it because I don't want to be presumptuous. So I was, the other day, I was at NPR doing an interview

in Culver City, California, and Paul Feig was there. And I didn't run into Paul Feig, but I said, ah, Paul Feig. There's a man who can dress himself and has been to a lot more movie premieres than I have. I'm going to drop Paul Feig a line and ask him. He told me, you can definitely wear black tie, which is like a tuxedo, right? Damn.

And I'm like, immediately, I'm like, oh, yeah. Sold. Sold in the room. I got a fucking tuxedo, right? Damn. And I'm like, immediately, I'm like, oh, yeah, sold. Sold in the room. I got a fucking tuxedo. I'll wear that shit. I'm looking for opportunities. I'll wear my fucking opera pumps. What, opera pumps? Oh, yeah, you know I got opera pumps, baby.

I had no idea. Yeah. All right, that's what we're dealing with. Slip them on. Slip them on and hit the town. That's my motto. So then I'm like, okay, great. I'm going to wear a black tie.

Then I'm starting to have second thoughts because I'm remembering that Paul Feig, you know, will wear – he would wear a suit and tie to Marine World Africa USA or Magic Mountain. He'd be there in his Savile Row suit. Well, you know, you're getting your picture taken a lot at Magic Mountain, he'd be there in his Savile Row suit. Well, you know, you're getting your picture taken a lot at Magic Mountain. That's true. Basically at the end of every ride. It's his own red carpet. He's got to watch his brand. They take your picture when you're receiving your funnel cake?

Yeah. Just because you're so excited when you get that funnel cake? And then when you're later ejecting it on a ride. Right. Yes. Coming in, going out. Yep. You can all put on a mouse pad.

So I am, I'm starting to doubt myself. I'm starting to think I tried to, I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wanted to wear the tuxedo that I own. So I emailed the guy who would wear a tuxedo to anything. Right. That happened after 5 p.m. You know, I subconsciously knew what guy that's been to move like i could have emailed david wayne sure you know what i mean david wayne wouldn't have

told me to wear a tuxedo you know so i'm starting to doubt myself and then today i got the email that confirms that my wife and i are on the list. Oh, yeah. We each have to bring our photo ID, and it has a dress code on it. This is the dress code. Star Wars chic. What the fuck? Now you've got to dress up like CP3PO. Okay. The only indications are Star Wars chic, and then no lightsabers, blasters, or masks.

It said that? Yes. Said no sabers? For security reasons. Okay, so they want you rolling in there unarmed. Well, their concern is I may bring a real lightsaber. That's my concern. Well, I mean, it depends on how high your metachlorians are.

Right. Now, listen. I don't want to get into a concealed weapons debate. Right. Would you consider a metach get into a concealed weapons debate. Right. But – Would you consider a Metachlorian a concealed weapon? There's a lot of libs out there who say, hey, we need to ban blasters and lightsabers. Well, sure.

But those bad guys are just going to use the force push. Do you think the PC police got rid of the Metachlorians from when they retconned the episodes one through three? I think that's their whole game is getting rid of the, lowering all our metachlorian counts. Right. I think that stuff is still- That's why they put fluoride in our drinking water. Yeah, this thing goes straight to the top.

I don't think they've retconned that. I think they, just no one talks about it. Oh. Just you're not supposed to talk about it. Got it. People are like, metachlorian's like, I forget what that is. Yeah, okay.

Anyway. Excellent. On with the movie. So now, I don't know what the fuck is... Am I supposed to wear an Obi-Wan Kenobi robe? You can do whatever you want. Yes. I think you should feel free.

You should play jazz now. That's liber... Oh. They open it up. It's about the robe you're not wearing. Yeah. I want to play Bach. I want a nice square song to play.

No, it's too late. Real round, real squared off edges. Everything goes in a consistent pattern. No, you got to do the Jitterbug and Smoke Reefers. Oh, no, not. I'm becoming a jazz beau. Yeah, that's what's happening. Make a free jazz album and then die of a heroin overdose.

I was like, is there some kind of Star Wars hat I could add to my duck seat? Do they wear hats in Star Wars? What's the most famous Star Wars hat? I guess Darth Vader's seat. Yeah. Do they wear hats in Star Wars? What's the most famous Star Wars hat? I guess Darth Vader's wearing a helmet. Boba Fett. I guess that's a helmet again. No, that's a helmet too. I don't think anybody wears a hat.

Oh, no, they got a hat in episode four, I guess. In a regular Star Wars. A New Hope member. New Hope Star Wars. Yeah, he has the black hat in the very beginning. Who does? The general. The generals on the Death Star and on the Star Destroyers.

Have like a tiny little baseball cap. Yeah. Like a who's on first kind of cap. Maybe I should be doing two-hand comedy instead of worrying about my outfits. I don't give a damn. That's the only part of that bit I know. Then they go, They sell it with a nonsense sing.

Yeah, that's how I do comedy. It's just David Borey. Punctuating everything. It is genuinely terrifying me, though. I wish I had been to maybe an Alexander Payne movie premiere or something where I would have felt comfortable wearing the tuxedo first. And then now I feel like I've been thrown into advanced premiere clothing. Are you not going to tuxedo it then?

I don't know. I genuinely don't know. I'm not being insincere when I say I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Here's my suggestion. And I know there's part of this that would maybe hurt you. You used to cover premieres. Yeah, I did, yes. But my shtick was covering them in a goofy outfit. Yeah. But there were a couple of

Star Wars chic? Never Star Wars chic. But there were a couple of times where they said no goofy outfits and you had to wear a, you know, coat and tie. Here's my suggestion. If this would not be too painful, it might. Here's how I think you can get out of this. If this would not be too painful, it might. Here's how I think you can get out of this. If this would not be too painful, maybe I could go on a wine tasting trip through the Santa Barbara wine country with Paul Giamatti.

P-A-Y-N-E-F-O. Yeah. And then you can get drunk in that new movie that might be good. Anyway, hard to say. Kristen Wiig's in it. Hey, there you go. Yeah. You know, suit to say. Kristen Wiig's in it. Hey, there you go. Yeah. You know, suit.

Yeah. Star Wars pocket square. Get some material. Oh, that's cool. Space or, you know, a print that maybe is reminiscent of, you know, like an old Star Wars pillowcase. Like a vintage Star Wars pillowcase. That's a good idea. Then you're being fun. but it's a little detail.

People will like it, but you're not in an Obi-Wan robe. Right. I somehow feel like I would feel more comfortable in the robe. Oh, yeah? Is it a comfortable situation that you're worried about? With a robe, you're out there. You're doing your thing. You're like, what's up?

I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Alec Guinness, from the classic 1960s British comedies. Or Ewan McGregor. Or Ewan McGregor, because as we've learned, the prequels are still canon. Yes, yes, yes. It's still the Bible. Yeah. learned the prequels are still canon. Yes, yes, yes. It's still the Bible.

Yeah. Or St. Francis of Assisi. One of those three could be Junipero Serra. That's my vote. Star Wars Pocket Square. Here's what I say. I think you gotta do it on them.

You wear the tuxedo, right? Darth Vader gloves. cape, helmet. Yeah. But in a tuxedo. And then real gun. And then real gun. Real gun. This is not a Star Wars gun.

No, this is just my gun. It's my right. It's my right, David. I take it everywhere. It's my right. Open carry. Yeah. California, this is California.

This is an interesting thing, David, with the gun control debate that's been raging. California is not an open carry state. No. But it is an open carry Vader state. So if you are a member of the Sith, you can carry a weapon openly. Can I just say I am sick of the tax breaks and the exemptions that the Sith are getting throughout our country right now. It is time for us to take the power back from these old, yeah, I'm saying it, white, red, and literally black men. Not brown like me, like men, like a Darth Maul. Sure. Kind of a withered, also kind of like a Darth Maul. Sure.

Kind of a withered, also kind of a withered purplish gray. What is that? Like an old balls color. Sorry to beat this guy, but not all Sith, okay? They're not all. Some of them just like order. No, listen. My sister is dating a Sith.

I don't hate them. Yeah. Some of them have good jobs. Sure, yeah. They're not all. Yeah, but most of them. Can I say something? I don't see you guys creating jobs.

Sure. These guys are out here building major infrastructure problems. Sure. Do you have any idea how many jobs are being created when you build a spaceship that can destroy a planet? You know, I don't know the number because the Ewoks are coming in and taking those jobs. What about... No, I don't know the numbers. I don't know the stats.

What about when you do the same thing a second time in another movie, the other one, that had about the same thing happen in it? Like, roughly the same? I don't remember it very well. I enjoyed it. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. Here's the thing, you know, a lot of people will say, sure. I was it. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it. I mean, here's the thing.

A lot of people will say, sure. I was impressed with Adam Driver. I thought he was really great. If you build a... Somebody destroys the Death Star and then a couple years later you build the Starkiller base. Yes.

Some would say, is that just a bigger Death Star? I'll counter with, yeah, but if you that just a bigger death star i'll counter with yeah but if you're building a bigger death star that's creating more jobs of course it's the new new deal sure yeah the new the new order the new order i mean when you think about when you think about all the artists who are being employed by the spa the sith progress administration i mean okay i understand they do some good things. My thing is that they're naturally violent, and I don't want that in my country. Guys, give Snoke a chance.

Listen. I know he's popping off on Twitter. All we are saying is give Snoke a chance. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Borey, the chartreuse marauder. Hey, we've got some sponsors on this week's program.

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Casper's 100-night risk-free sleep on it trial. They don't just make mattresses either. You know, Jordan, they make pillows. They make other bedding materials. And they do them all the same way. They cut out the middleman so that you get an affordable and exceptionally high-quality product delivered straight to your door in a special box that when you cut it open, the mattress expands out of it in a really amazing way that's basically the adult equivalent of those little dinosaurs that you drop into water and they get bigger and bigger and it's

really amazing. Casper brand mattresses combined multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep surface with the right amounts of both sink and bounce. And if you want $50 off any mattress purchase, you visit casper.com slash jjgo and use promo code jjgo at checkout. That's casper.com slash jjgo. We've also got some sponsorship this week from our pals at Stitch Fix. It's a new way to shop for clothes that does all the work for you.

Hey, Jesse. Yeah. You know sweater weather's here? Is it? But if last year's layers are feeling tired, give your closet a wake-up call with help from the style experts at Stitch Fix. It's a new way to shop for clothes

that does all the work for you. You go online. You answer some questions about your sizes, your favorite styles, your budget. You know, you tell them, am I going into an office? Am I going on dates? Am I going to dinner after work? Am I going to a Star Wars premiere? And the dress code is Star Wars chic.

Will I be at a Cabo Wabo cantina alone? Their personal stylist will pick five pieces based on your preference and send them to your door, try them on, and only pay for what you keep. I actually am a Stitch Fix customer myself, and I really like it. I was wearing a nice Stitch Fix outfit. I'm doing a little freelance work in kind of a cool tech office these days, and I was talking to a producer I was working with and stopped me mid-sentence and just said, Hey, I just wanted – you look great today.

And then someone is passing by and they're like, Yeah, he does look great. Two compliments on my Stitch Fix clothes, Jesse. Wow. That's impressive. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. Get started now at stitchfix.com slash jjgo, and you'll get 25% off when you keep all five items. Stitchfix.com slash jjgo.

Stitchfix.com slash jjgo. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. Okay. We're also headed to SF Sketch Fest. So for those of you in the San Francisco Bay Area, we are going to be doing Jordan Jesse Go with our good friend Mr. Andrew Richter. Yes, that's right. Andy

Richter from television. More guests to be announced? He was in an Olsen Sisters movie. Yeah. I think New York Minute. Olsen Sisters New York Minute. Olsen Sisters, New York Minute. That's going to be January 12th at the Gateway, formerly the Eureka Theater in downtown San Francisco.

I am also doing Judge John Hodgman, the previous night, opening night of Sketch Fest at the beautiful Castro Theater on Castro Street in the heart of the Castro District in San Francisco, one of San Francisco's greatest treasures, the Castro Theater on Castro Street in the heart of the Castro District in San Francisco. One of San Francisco's greatest treasures, the Castro Theater. And are you doing this Obsessed show? I sure am, Jesse. I will be a guest Saturday, 1.13, 8 p.m. on our good buddy Joseph Scrimshaw's Obsessed podcast. That's at the Piano Fight Mainstage, 15 bucks, 8 p.m., 1.13.

Our good buddy Matt Belknap also going to be on that show. Oh, the great Matt Belknap. Now, Jordan. Yes. David. Yes. The holidays are coming up. They sure are. Boom.

And a lot of people here in Southern California are looking for great gifts. That's something I've been hearing. It's true. Local news, I've heard that. Yeah. Around the water cooler, I've heard that. Down at the local hardware store. Yeah, all the Doritos corner boys are talking about it.

All talking about it. When they're doing their hand-to-hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hand-to-hand-to-mouth. Yeah, and I've got great news for anyone who's in Southern California. The Put This On Holiday Market is going to be right here, as in literally right here where we are sitting at MaxFun World Headquarters on Sunday the 10th. That's this coming Sunday if you're listening to the show as it is released.

We will be here from 11 to 6. Dan, the Put This On Shop man, and myself will be here with a huge selection of vintage gift items, handmade scarves and pocket squares, caps, vintage clothing, all kinds, blankets, vintage blankets, vintage jewelry for men and women, all kinds of really amazing stuff. It's all going to be here at MaxFunHQ. So stop by on Sunday the 10th to tell us that you heard it on Jordan Jesse Goeks. I always appreciate hearing from a tuppy. hearing from a tuppy.

It's 2404 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles, California, Sunday the 10th from 11 to 6 p.m. And yeah, just come by. We'll show you the studio if you want. Come hang out, listen to some tunes. It's going to be a really good time. So the Put This On Holiday Market, you can also find that link at putthisonshop.com. And if you're not in Los Angeles, well, get over to PutThisOnShop.com and use that code TUPPIES so that you can get free shipping. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, guys i am not one who cares for i am not generally inclined to use my power as an influencer to influence when i have been uh bribed to do so sure by unsolicited mail however i've been sent

the strangest and most majestic gift easily in the history. I mean, I've received ones that are more important to my life or to the future of my life, more useful gifts. But this is a truly astonishing gift. A man named Ezra, and I'm not going to tell you where he lives, but I will say, suffice it to say, it's Portland, Oregon. he lives, but I will say, suffice it to say, it's Portland, Oregon. He sent me, this is so, like the number of levels of this gift. It is his job, I guess, is to make suitcases into speakers, into portable speakers. Of course.

Which I'm impressed. Yeah, that's a skill. I do like that you can make anything into a speaker. Yeah, that's the best, like teapots. I'm already excited just at the idea of those people who build their own speaker enclosures for the back of their truck or whatever. He's building it into vintage suitcases, which is actually, for environmental reasons, it's illegal to build your own speaker enclosures in the back of your truck in Portland. You're mandated to do it with vintage suitcases.

Okay. Right. Sure, sure. Yeah, they'll shut that down. That makes sense, though. But he sent me one, and I to god this is real it is a vintage suitcase about the size of like a large briefcase or a small overnight bag and not only did he cover it in one two three four five speaker cones so i guess you got your woofers your tweeters and your mids

yep man you're big into speaker culture. Oh, yeah. I'm a real speak head. Speakeasy? I really should have been. Yeah, you're a real speakeasy. Yeah. I'm a real... You're a real speak and spell. Woofer, hoofer.

I like that. Yeah. Woof, woof. But he knew that my personal aesthetic involves the occasional blazer. Of course. And so he went to the thrift store, bought a tweed coat, skinned it, and then put it onto the – he layered the – It's like something from like, it's like if Brazil was an episode of Masterpiece Theater. Oh, man. You know what it looks like to me, if I'm allowed?

Yeah. It looks as if like, if Wes Anderson did a Transformers movie. Right? Oh, folks. That's what that would look like. Podcaster and comedian David Borey. He literally. I was going to say like a witch put a spell on Wes Anderson.

I think yours is better though. He gave it a collar and buttons and he put like elbow pads on the corners that he appears to have made himself. It's truly astonishing. And you plug this in and then you then you plug an aux cable into it, and you get to bumping. Yeah. I'm going to put this out, actually. The one purpose for which this is actually useful, this product,

I mean, besides beach parties. Sure. Yeah. Tweety beach parties. Oh, yeah, tweet parties. I'll put this out. I'll put this on sale on Sunday and we'll jam on some

tasteful tunes. Great. Coming directly out of a sport coat. That's pretty cool though. It's kind of astonishing, right? What a bizarre and amazing beautiful, I mean it sounds like a great gift item to me. I wish I could make something. Yeah, that would be nice. God, I would love to make, you would

like to make anything including feelings? Yeah, I just want to feel again. You would make them for yourself and have them. Yeah, yeah. I get a certain Freudian pleasure when I make a dookie. Yeah, that feels good. But – Feels like I'm doing right.

But I relate to you entirely. I'm incapable of making anything. I completely failed even today. capable of making anything i completely failed even today earlier today i uh i received some hotly awaited uh what's that called light bulbs oh yeah in the mail from a popular internet retailer um and they had the right number of pins and they had the right number of pins, and they had the right shape of base. Nice. But they had two ridges instead of one ridge on the base. What are you going to do?

You're fucked. You got to count those ridges. God damn it. I can't see anything in my closet. All right, man. And now what do you got to do? You got to go to Home Depot or something? Well, what I did.

Okay, number one, no. I'm not going to Home Depot. That's my worst nightmare. Is that – I just – somebody just – this is the second time in like two weeks somebody's yelled at me about not going to Home Depot actually. Where do you get your parking lot hot dogs? Yeah. That is a good question. Yeah.

What parking lot are you getting your hot dog from? I don't think I could even bring myself to deal with Home Depot. I find Home Depot so emotionally draining. I don't think I could go there to buy one thing that cost $5,000 and was in the parking lot at the front.

Which is to say, a tough shed. Specifically, a tough shed. I love it. I get so like I get like super hopeful and I get like all these skills in my head that I don't actually have when I go to Home Depot. Have you ever gone to like a sporting goods store and you're just like in your head, you're like, yeah, I am going to rock climb soon. Yeah, field hockey. Yes, please. Of course.

I'm very, very good at kayaking. I love racket sports. Yeah, of course. That's how I feel at Home Depot. Like, oh yeah, I can just, very good at kayaking. I love racket sports. Yeah, of course. That's how I feel at Home Depot. Like, oh, yeah, I can just make some shit. Yeah. I feel the exact – I feel lost, hungry. I would say like hungry is the number one feeling I have at Home Depot.

Well, that's because you didn't get that – Go in the parking lot and get a parking lot hot dog. Of course. When I – as a kid, when we – like, you know, when like my family errands would go to a Home Depot, I liked to wander around in the plant nursery. Oh, that does sound calming. That's a fun place to use your imagination. That sounds comforting. And pee.

And pee, yes, and secretly pee. As a kid, I definitely peed at the plant section. Hell yeah. I'll tell you what I did to try and fix my light bulb situation. did to try and fix my light bulb situation, I looked at these ridges and I thought, how much different could this bulb be than another bulb? Right. It's just the ridges. I think it's just the ridges.

Because I looked up, you know, when you pull a weird light bulb out of a fixture, and this was one that had been in there since I bought my house, the last five years or whatever. When you pull it out of the fixture, it doesn't say just buy a AA light bulb. No, it's just there. It's just a series of numbers and letters. It says like a GEMRX2 slash XQMR. Why? Who is that for?

It's to make me and you feel stupid. And so I don't know what the difference is but i did like i looked up it's a fluorescent tube you know like i'm looking up the different two pin square base i looked up all the different shit so i'm like this has to be able to work it's just the tubes so i'm like oh i have a rasp in my tool in my toolbox i have a rasp, a file, you know? Okay. But it's the kind that goes into a power drill. Okay. So I take it out. It was in my desk drawer, actually.

I'd just been having it. And I'm doing it by hand, and I'm like, this is not going fast enough. I need to put this in my power drill. Yeah. So I go get my power drill from the garage. I bring it back. And it has the base of this thing. It has like one pointy.

Its nose is pointy, and then it has a cylindrical raspy part, and then it has a square base. Right, like the bolt on the bottom. Exactly. That holds it in the power drill. So I put it in my power drill. My power drill is not accepting it too large. So I have an insight.

Story of my life. Well, that and you love to eat pussy. It's true. In addition to having inappropriately sized power drills. Yeah. So I turn it around to put the pointy end into the, which was not, I understood it as I was doing it to neither be a good idea. Nor the correct one.

Nor, well, I was already fucking with electricity, which is a mistake. Right. Like there's no situation. Electricity on electricity. Yeah. So then I'm like, I know that a power drill, you're supposed to wear goggles when you're rasping something because there could be particles. Sediments and whatnot.

Yeah. And then the other thing is when you lock something into a power drill, it's supposed to lock. And the pointy, the conical, the skinny conical part, I can tighten it down pretty good, but that's not going to lock in. No. So I'm using a... on the thing. It's both kind of not getting anywhere and periodically flying off to maim someone. Jesus.

So I had to shut it down. I had to shut down the operation. Like, both are like three bucks. But you have to go into the Home Depot and find someone to help you. That's true. And then, yeah, and they're not nice. That's like Shackley's Expedition to the North Pole or whatever.

You have to bring a lot of canned roast beef if you want to get involved in that situation. Yeah, if I were to make like a list of the most unhelpful employees, Home Depot definitely rivals Kinko's. Yeah, they're up there. Why are they so mean at Kinko's? They're very mean rivals Kinko's. Yeah, they're up there. Why are they so mean at Kinko's? They're very mean at Kinko's. I know. I've had multiple experiences where it's like, not everybody has a Xerox. Just be cool, man.

I'm glad. I'm glad that the world. Some people need to use one on a commercial exchange basis. I'm wearing shorts. I'm not in the fax world. Just help me send it out. God, I wish I was in the fax world. It is complicated. Weirdly, I'm in the telex world. Just help me send it out. God, I wish I was in the facts world. It is complicated.

Weirdly, I'm in the telex world. Not sure what to do with that. I'm glad that the world is moving in a direction to where going to Akinko's is less and less important. But, I mean, there was a time when you had to go to Akinko's every now and then. And boy, would just be

treated like garbage. Jerks. By a guys want to see me- By a stoned man, a very stoned man. If you guys want to see me be an ashamed failure, you don't even- Let's not even talk about going to the Home Depot. Let's talk about anything with a poster board. Anything poster board. You get some foam core, and I am immediately the single least competent human being on Earth. Really? I can't score foam core, and I am immediately the single least competent human being on earth.

Really? I can't score foam core. I can't decorate foam core. See, I didn't think that that would be you. I thought that you would have a flair for it. No, I have the furthest thing from a flair for it. Really? I've got a fart for it.

You've got a fart for it? Yeah. A real pfft. Anyway, I ordered some new bulbs. Fingers crossed. Yeah. Fingers crossed, guys. They've got the right ridges.

I will say this. What about the rasp situation, though? The rasp situation was a disaster, but... But does it... Did you get it to fit in there? No, I couldn't get enough of it off. It was going too slowly. No, no, I mean the back of...

I don't understand why... Oh, yeah. The point, the conical end fit into my thing. But the square end never fit in? You can never solve that. It was too big. It was too – oh, it loved eating pussy. It's the one in my life.

Yeah. Yeah. So I have – the one thing that I was terrified about is like what I don't – what I fear more than anything else, even going to Home Depot, is returning something inexpensive by mail. So if I mail ordered these light bulbs, they were LEDs, they cost me eight bucks a piece or something. So it's enough to hurt.

Yeah. But not enough to want to find a new envelope to return them. I always think that they won't believe me when I try to return. Well, I had tampered with. Yeah, you rasked it down. I put it back in the box and I'm like, I'm just going to, I'm just going to, this corporate behemoth, they don't need my money. They're just going to waste it on the Washington Post.

Oh, so I was like, I'm going to return it. And guess what? I went, I said, I'm just going to see how it goes, and I'm probably going to make Danny do it. You know, I'm going to print out the thing. I'm going to have Danny, who's our office administrator, who's on the boards this week. I'm going to bring it to the office and be like, can you put this in an envelope? What I did, I went clickety-clack-clack-clack. Fucking didn't even have to mail it back.

They said, just keep it. Just keep it, they said to me. Thank you, Bezos. Or whoever we're talking about. Or whoever we're talking about. Or whoever we're talking about. When something momentous happens to you, like you get your 16 bucks back, no muss, no fuss. They didn't even. No.

Give us a call. 206-984-4FUN is our number. 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call in Momentous Occasions. Hey guys, this is Ian calling from America's great northeast with a Momentous Occasion. About a week ago, I was at my wife's grandmother's funeral at a Catholic church, and the priest did not arrive for about 45 minutes after the service was scheduled to begin, showed up apologetic, and when he went to go get changed and prepared for the rest of the Mass,

he mistakenly triggered his wireless microphone when returning back to the church, and we all heard his winded panting over the PA and the church. So anyways, thanks for the show. Bye. I mean, I'm glad that he triggered the microphone and ruined the funeral. But I'm disappointed that it was just winded panting. I really thought that was going to go a lot of places it didn't. Yeah, like goddamn dead people.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck. I thought that was going to go a lot of places it didn't. Yeah. Like goddamn dead people. Yeah. I don't know why, but I thought they were going to have heard of masturbating. I don't know why. Yeah. Which would be a weird time. How would it sound like? I think when you're a priest, you're asking for forgiveness while you're doing it. Father, forgive me.

Hail Mary, for I have sinned. You never did that noise when you were a kid? When you masturbate? Oh, yeah. I always still make that sound. That's why I mention it. That makes the sound it makes when I masturbate because I use window wiper fluid. You use Windex.

Nature's lube. Yes, Windex. Nature's lube. I just put my dick on the windshield of my car and set it to intermittent. Is that not masturbating? Just put it to intermittent. Just go ahead and set it to intermittent. Yeah.

I love it. Yeah, I know. I mean, I guess there's a world in where if we were looking to punch this up, people are confusing the priest's winded panting for the corpse coming back to life. Which, by the way, you're working freelance. You're available for punch-ups. I am, absolutely. Do you need me to punch up your anecdotes? Do you need me to make your anecdotes into lies?

I can do it. Yeah. I just need me to make your anecdotes into lies? I can do it. Yeah. I just really wanted to, I don't, so they were just in there and the piercer was like, and then they were listening? Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, I'm a priest. I'm ready to jingle. Why is he yelling that?

It sounded for a minute like the priest was Patrick Warburton It's me, a priest Ashes to ashes, test to test I'm ready to jingle Every day I'm cringeling Every day I'm cringeling Fun holiday guy He's a beloved member of the community Yeah, a beloved holiday guy

Hey Hey She survived by her fourth son Fun holiday guy. He's a beloved member of the community. Yeah, a beloved holiday guy. Hey. Hey. Hey. She survived by her fourth son. Hey, David, this is a running thing we have on the show is we like doing a Patrick Warburton impression. Okay. If you have one you'd like to do, please feel free. I don't have one.

I wish I did. Yeah. I'm not a big, I don't have a lot of voice. I got the one. That sounds great. I do okay. Sounds fantastic. Sounds gorgeous.

Sounds gorgeous. To be fair, our Patrick War Ward Britain impressions are not good either. Yeah. Yeah, we're not setting a high bar. Don't do that to yourself. We're not setting a high bar. Don't do that to yourselves. Not on the holidays.

Don't do that to yourselves. Not at the holidays. That's a good point. Let's eat a roast beef. Hell yeah. Canned. Sure. Get it out of a can.

Just like Shackleton would have. Oh, God. I don't fuck with canned or potted meats anymore. Nah. Was there a time when you did? Man, I was heavy in the spam game for a minute. What minute? 07 to 09?

Good year. All right. That's a fun age. All right. Is this like a teen Bori? No, this is a man. This is a man Bori. Man, not enough money for food, Bori.

Were you buying brand name? No, I was buying luncheon meat. Okay. In the can. Yeah, that does sound like a problem. Like the old school can where it had the key. Right. And you would like twist it open.

Wow. Yeah. And guess what was in there? Prince Albert. Something. There was something in there. How are you preparing this? So I have a lot of – there's multiple ways.

Sometimes – because here's the thing about spam. If you dice it up real fine and you pan fry it with eggs, it kind of tastes like bacon. So there are some spam commercials where they are kind of trying to convince like foodies to like have fun with spam. What? And that is a close-up that they show that has really worked on me i have actually never had spam whoa oh it's kind of good yeah yeah so i but i've watched them do this dice up the spam real tiny throw it in a thing with some eggs yeah some bell peppers or something it looks kind of good it's good should i have that yeah i'm

gonna have it i also would do like a spam burger sometimes hamburger hamburger which is like it is a rock of meat like if you eat a spam burger you don't have to eat another thing yeah i want to you poop that out i want to let the records record state you guys are facing the wrong direction but when i said spam's pretty good we got the most enthusiastic agreement in Daniel Burrowella's history. If you're looking for having fun with spam, you gotta ask a Filipino or a Hawaiian. That's true. Those here are spam kings. They are the spam kings.

Anywhere that we... Quit sending me those emails. Anywhere that we invaded in 1920 or whatever and had a lot of military bases on in 1958. South Koreans, I think, also do things with spam. Really? Probably also a strong mac salad game, too.

Oh, for sure. You never had like a spam roll at like a Hawaiian restaurant? Oh, like Spam-a-Soubis? Yeah, that shit's hella good. I love it. I love it. Yeah, I have not had that. Oh, you got to get in on spam.

It's not so bad. And now they have it in low sodium. Well, that's not, because Lord knows we all got to watch our sodium. I mean, you know. It is a good – I mean, I'll say this. I'm a big corned beef hash man. Oh, corned beef hash is great. Corned beef hash is absolutely my top favorite thing that you could buy at a diner.

I love it 100%. Best canned food of all time. And I go to – I live in Los Angeles. If I'm going out to breakfast or lunch, often I end up at one of these shishi joints. If they have corned beef hash on the menu, I'll think, great, that's my favorite thing to order at a diner. Right. I order it. I am disappointed every time. No doubt in my mind that a 99-cent can of corned beef hash from the expired canned food store is better than every fancy corned beef hash I've ever had in my life.

I've never had it fancy. I've only had it like in San Francisco, like greasy spoon. That's what's up. Is where I like it. That's what's up. Like right outside of the park. There's some spots. I got some spots.

Yeah, no, I know about that. You don't have to tell me. Oh, yeah, you've been there. I'm from the SCO. Suck a free city. Absolutely. 100%. That's what we call it. That's what we call it. Not me. Yeah, some do. Some do. They didn't let me.

You know what? I tried. They were not into it. My wife doesn't listen to this podcast, so she can hear this. So I was looking for a Christmas gift for my wife. I was looking for a Hyphy Wifey t-shirt. Oh, that's great. But they don't really make Hyphy Wifey t-shirts anymore. The only thing that I could find was on Spreadshirt or something.

I didn't want to mess with that kind of low-quality one-at-a-time print. So then I'm like, I'm going to go to the Sick Wid It Records website and check out what they've got going on there. What is that website like? It's a high-quality website. They've got a nice web store. Really? Very high-quality web store. I believe it.

So I'm going wild in here. First, I get a Yay Area t-shirt for my wife. Then I'm like, I want one of those. I get myself a Yay Area t-shirt. Then, the coup de grace, I get myself an E-40 coffee mug. Oh, what does it say? In a major way. Man, I love that-40 coffee mug. Oh, what does it say? In a major way.

Man, I love that man in my heart. Oh, it's gorgeous. I saw him on the street once. He loved it. Oh, yeah, I bet he did. Yeah, it was the coolest day of my life. I yelled at him. Oh, yeah, you did.

Yeah, he didn't say anything the first time, but then he came back around the block. Oh, wow. That's gorgeous. Good day. Okay. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Josh from North Carolina.

And my friend... Can you pause the call, Danny? Can you pause the call? Just here's what you do. You wake up. You have yourself some Folgers crystals. Then you call in to Jordan Jesse Go. I mean, this could be a thing where he's calling as something's happening.

So it could be I've just been woken up by a bat. You don't like his voice. I don't like his. You like his tone. Sleepy energy. I don't like his vibe. Already. I think if you're calling in to Jordan, Jesse, go bring something to the table.

I'm not even asking for you to do a bit or be funny or do a shtick. I just want you to have a little bit of bring a little life to it. Have your coffee first, then make the call. That's all I'm asking for. He does sound very cavalier. He does. He doesn't give that much of a burden to him that he's calling you.

Anyway, let's go back to the beginning and let's listen. It could be he was woken up by a bat. I just got woken up by a bat. From North Carolina. My friend just asked if I would be a sperm donor so that she and her partner can start a family.

And, man, geez. I said yes, by the way. All right. Punch a blunt. Later. All right. I like that he brought it back at the end. Here's maybe – I have two explanations for the tone.

Yeah. One, I mean this is emotional. This is an emotional moment. It's maybe like maybe a little hard to talk about. You know, like obviously there's a lot going through his head like, you know, oh, I'm feeling so much love for my friends right now. But also, you know, what are the implications of this for my future? You know, if your genetic material is in a child, like, does it mean it's your child? Is parentage based on genetics or is it who raises you?

Like, there's a lot here. There's a lot going on. I don't think that maybe the second explanation is that he just came. He just made that sperm and you're a little sleepy. Yeah. You're a little second explanation is that he just came. He just made that sperm and you're a little sleepy. You're a little sleepy. He's at the bank. I just became a sperm.

Just blasted. I had a conversation for your benefit, David. I recently had my reproductive abilities erased. They took your... Oh, they snipped it? Yeah, they went in there and did a little. I don't know what they're doing.

They're very nice. I had a nice conversation with a very nice nurse before I went in there, and she explained to me the procedures. You have to get your sperms checked twice afterwards. But they can only check them within like a 45-minute window of when they've been generated. I don't know. HMO, at least at Kaiser here in Southern California, shout out to Kaiser, they don't have a facility. Okay. You know, there's not a, what I'm saying,

they don't have any jack-off cubicles or anything. But I mean, if you do it right, the whole world's a jack-off cubicle. So that's the thing. So she explained to me not only like you put it right, the whole world's a jack-off cubicle. So that's the thing. So she explained to me not only like, you put it in I guess a Tupperware or something. Wait, you gotta put it in? You gotta find your own container?

They may have given me a container. This is a real dick slap operation. Well, literally. Yeah. No, that's what I'm saying. That's how I achieve orgasm. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Just run it against the wall. Intermittent and then I just turn it up. Yeah, intermittent and then little slaps. Well, I mean, have you thought about –

You get to cut the line. That's the thing. So she's like, make sure you're going to a Kaiser facility with a lab and then cut the line and tell them, this is my sperm sample. Oh. Because they have to look at it in the microscope or whatever within that 45-minute window or what have you. So you don't have to stand in line with the people who are just waiting for their Propecia refills. Yeah, no. You're like, hey, I got hot batter in here.

Yeah. I got a load. I got a fresh. Trying to make pancakes right now. I mean, just, you know, if you're busy or anything, just like right before you're about to blast, call and task grab it. Oh, that's a good idea. Have somebody come pick it up. That's a good idea.

Big economy. I don't want somebody to have to hold that container. Yeah. Because it's probably warm. I just don't. It's true. I mean, I guess you don't have to tell them. Well, I guess they need to know.

What else is it going to be in there? They need to know to cut the line. One of my biggest fears is if someone asked me to – I think maybe you could just put up on Craigslist, transport my jizz. There's probably someone who's like, I'm into that. Yeah, sure. I think there's posts like that up now on Craigslist. Is it okay if I wear a French maid outfit?

Sure. I think I am a little bit afraid – How discreet are you? I think I'm a little bit afraid. How discreet are you? I think I'm a little bit afraid of the possibility of – my wife and I had a couple of same-sex couple friends who were having children. They were both – they were women. And they were trying to decide between getting sperm from someone they knew or from a sperm bank and doing IVF and like all this different stuff. And it costs like tens of thousands of dollars to do the IVF.

It costs like, I can't, something like $25,000 the first time and $10,000 every next time or something. And what are the odds on it? About as much as having unprotected sex or something. So, zero percent. Knock on wood. Am I right, guys? Here's hoping.

Hey. Hey. There was this terror. I'm not ready to be a father. There was a terrified feeling that they would – because one of the possibilities is they could do it naturally with someone that they want to be the father. But then they have to do that. And then you – so it's like all of the stuff about like we're trying to get pregnant. Like I'm watching my fertility clock and the thermometer says this and that.

The turkey timer has popped out. Only you're also having sex with your friend who is a lesbian. That sounds... I mean, it could happen with a bisexual woman as well. I just saw this in a movie. Like a real movie. Really? Not like an X video.

Really? Yeah. No, this is... What is this? Henry Phillips' new movie. It has this exact same scenario with Tig Notaro and her wife. I think this is the big chill. Did this happen in the big chill?

I think this is what the big chill is about. I don't think it's... This is the big chill, too. Back to the ice. Yeah, yeah. In the big chill, I think they do this. This ain't the big chill in XXX parody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and then they play Dancing in the Streets by Martha and the Vandellas. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic Motown. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then they played Dancing in the Streets by Martha and the Vandellas. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic Motown. Oh, yeah. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world,

join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. Turns out it isn't what we thought it would be. For example, stickers on car windows? It's no longer about what type of monster would let that happen and more like realizing you are that monster. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Download One Bad Mother on MaximumFun.org or Apple Podcasts. And la, la, la, la. Take classes from amazing teachers with the most supportive group of people you'll ever meet. Make a bunch of friends and eat a ton of s'mores.

Come to MaxFunCon at Lake Arrowhead, California, the second weekend of June, for friendship, comedy, and creativity. Get your ticket now at MaxFunCon.com. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Boy. You had the, you had the, you had the, you're like the first. No, I'm straight laced, no chase on this one. Okay.

That's a nickname though. Yeah. I got to be me. Uh-huh. Straight laced, no chase is a nickname. Okay. All right. I just, as I was talking about that last call that we got, I just want to acknowledge this.

I went through a profound emotional journey thinking about all the emotional consequences of being a father to a child that you're not raising and belongs to some people that you like and the whole thing, the honor of it, the this, the that. And I want to apologize. I still think the guy should have had his folders, but I shouldn't have picked on him. Yeah. Because that was, he really, it does sound like he did it in the moment and he was going through a genuine journey and I'm glad that he provided that third act climax

by yelling our slogan for 2017. And hey, if you're there, if you're out there, fella, we're sorry we made fun of you. Just get in touch, send us your address. We'll mail you some Folgers. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Can anybody get us on a blimp?

I got a blimp guy. You need a blimp guy? Yeah. I'll make some moves. Okay. Ask your Dorito man. Funny thing. The Dorito Corners blimp crossover, way bigger than you'd think. Way bigger than you'd think.

I sold some... I had some blimp-related shit in the Put This On shop sold some i had some blimp related shit in the put this on shop have some new blimp related shit in the put this on shop no plug intended but i'll plug i'll throw it in there but uh i sold a pair of goodyear blimp cufflinks to a woman and she emailed said i'm so grateful we found this uh my dad is an executive in charge of the Goodyear blimp. Oh, wow. And this is going to be such a beautiful Christmas gift for him. I knew as soon as I saw it that this was perfect.

And I said, that is perfect. Get me on the fucking blimp. Make it say Jesse Thorne's a pimp. This woman said. That's right. If you're on the blimp, do you get to control the blimp screen? Yeah, they just give you a keyboard and let you write whatever. I would totally go down with the ship on that one.

I don't care. Lock me up. It would say the black man is God on the Goodyear Blimp. Just for a second, man. Could you imagine? You come out of your... The blimp is getting very political. You're taking the blimp hotep. Is that what's going on? Oh, yeah. You're going to start making YouTube videos on the blimp. getting very political. You're taking the blimp hotep.

Is that what's going on? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're going to start making YouTube videos on the blimp. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have black Hebrew Israelite propaganda. Yeah. Respecting queens, eating vegetarian, the whole nine yards.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I like it. I respect that. Yeah, no. Go big or go home. If you're going to do it, do it. I mean, there's some definitely some-

We're going to split I love mom. Get out of here. There's definitely some weird conspiracy. You are looking at a blimp. Some crypto misogyny you're putting on do it, do it. I mean, there's definitely some... I love mom. There's definitely some weird conspiracy you're putting on that blimp. I think it's worth it. If you got up in that blimp, you deserve it. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm already in the blimp. Or it could be like a lot of quotes from the movie Belly.

A lot of fun stuff to put on a blimp. A lot of things I want to put on a blimp. The movie State Property is underrated. But also, it is. Have you seen it? I've never seen it. I've just always heard it's underrated.

You know what it is. I've heard it's pretty good. You don't have to see it to see it. I've heard it's actually pretty good. It's like the only one of those movies that anyone will ever sincerely defend as being actually kind of good. Oh, no. Paid in Full is a good movie. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. State Property is a bad movie oh there you go yeah i don't state property is a bad movie oh is it you know how rappers like love to act they think it's so cool yes let's just say that whole movie beanie seagull is really enjoying acting oh geez he rubs his beard a lot uh in the world of actors rappers turned actors yes do you have an opinion about when a rapper will team up with Steven Seagal? Love it. Yeah, I think that I want more Van Damme team ups is what I want.

I'd watch a Van Damme Beanie Seagal movie. Can I suggest a name? Fireproof Boof. That's my suggestion. That's why they pay him the big bucks. That's my suggestion, folks. David, thank you so much for joining us on Jordan Jesse Go. What a joy it was to have you here.

Thank you for having me. I had a great time. Every week on All Fantasy Everything, you and Ian Carmel and other people. Sean Jordan. Sean Jordan. Fantasy draft, anything that you can think of. Anything. Anything.

Music videos you want to live in forever. Soft rock bangersers why did we start an arboretum podcast jordan it's arboreal podcast we wish we would have gotten to it first you know great show hilarious dude i was blinded by the light of john muir sure who wasn't john muir i love his woods uh david bory, people can also I mean, I know you've been on television doing stand-up comedy. People watch that on the internet, but where can people check out your stand-up comedies?

I'm kind of all around. If you just check on my Twitter, at the G is silent. I have all my tour dates and then when I go up in LA and stuff like that on there. At the G is silent because his name Borey starts with the letter G. Silent. But you don't say the G. No, I would never.

I would never. Most people say the G. They usually say the G. I would never say the G. You can hit us up on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com or on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. Hit us with the hashtag JJ Go. I really

I just want to say, I love going on the Reddit. I love looking at the hashtag. I love it when people are talking about Jordan Jesse Go. So fun. I get so many kicks out of it. It's so fun. So many kicks out of it, Jordan. We also have gotten some really nice iTunes reviews lately.

So if you're up in Apple Podcasts, review that. Helps the show. Helps the show. We had a day. This was aboutps the show. We had a day. This was about a week ago. We had a day. I should say I had a day. It was a tough one for me.

It was a tough day at work, tough day emotionally. I wasn't feeling great. As I was driving home, I hit play on an episode of Jordan Jesse Go with Chris Fairbanks, as I do once in a while. Once in a while, I'll check in on my own show. Once in a while, I'll check in and see, is this anything? You know, and the answer is, eh. I mean, I'll just listen if Chris Fairbanks is the guest on set.

Yeah, he's great. He's usually a good policy. And we were talking about extra long movies, talking about movies with intermissions. Jordan said, well, back then, you needed the intermission. She had to go to the concession stand and get a fried egg or whatever. That made me, that plus a few nice reviews in iTunes absolutely saved my day. Isn't it nice how it could turn around like that?

I didn't remember Jordan saying that at all. It was just a magical moment in my life that I basically am ready to get tattooed on my balls. Fried eggs? Yeah. They kind of look like fried eggs. I think it's not a bad ball tattoo. That's true. Is there a bad ball tattoo? Daniel Baruela is on

the boards this week for us. He knows what to do with some spam. Hit us up on Twitter and answer the question, is there a bad ball tattoo? Hashtag bad ball tattoo? Hashtag JJ Go. Hashtag bad ball tattoo. Daniel Baruela JJ Go. Hashtag bad ball tattoo. Daniel Baruela is the man you want to go to for your alternative spam recipes, but

hey, throw those up on the Reddit. Oh, man. Hit us with some of those with the hashtag JJ Go. I feel like there's going to be some real nice spam recipes. I bet Hunter Ellen Boss has got a... He's standing at the ready with a fucking... Let's see it. I'm ready to try spam for the first time.

Foodie spam recipe. It's good to go. You don't have to be Korean, Filipino, or Hawaiian. But it helps. It will help you. Just for cultural reasons. That's the way cultural practices work. Danny also likes to eat balut.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Cool. He gives it the thumbs up. Okay. You tried to eat that one time and you vomited on yourself. Didn't work. But I wish it well. Yeah, nothing but the best. Our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Thanks

Brian. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.