Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 510: Hammerstice with Josh Gondelman

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

Comedian and writer Josh Gondelman joins Jordan and Jesse as they set aside their usual topic and get into Jordan's idea to push Anal August, Jesse's glamorous Star Wars premiere experience, and Josh's AirBnB bait and switch.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, a.k.a. Papa Poops. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. How you doing, buddy? Well, I'm doing good. I'm still adjusting to Papa Poops. Uh-huh. It's new, doesn't mean it's bad.

Uh-huh. But yeah, it's going to take me a while. Well, it's the perfect nickname considering that every week here on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we dive deep into the world of gastroenterology. That's right, we do. Get your tum-tums ready because we're

about to gab about gas. Do we recommend tums for your tum-tum? Well, tro-intestinal matters. Do we recommend Tums for your Tum Tum? Well, when they're sponsoring the show. Right, otherwise Rolate spells relief. I mean, it just depends what comes down the ad pipe. Can I suggest something?

Yes. I feel like we've gone back and forth on this issue, and I want an armistice. I want a week off. I want a Christmas Day miracle like in World War I. Let's put down our arms in the war between Tums and Rolaids. Well, I think, listen, if we talk about gastrointestinal matters, you'd think it would have gotten easier for me to say after all these years, it being the theme of the show and all. Well, it's quite the flung tister.

Oh, boy. I think the only way to ensure that we won't, you know, get into Tums this, Roll-Lades that. Right. Is to just abandon the theme altogether. Now, wait a minute. Here's my worry about this, Jordan. Please. If the show doesn't have a premise, why would anyone listen to it?

Here's the thing. Yeah. Hopefully, they've already subscribed and the episodes are just automatically downloading. Right. So, they don't even have to listen to it. We still get credit for the advertisement impressions. Yeah. So, here's the thing.

You know, let's just throw this one out there. Okay. You know, hopefully, people don't figure out how to unsubscribe. I don't know if you've used the Apple Podcast app. It's a little complicated. Right. And yeah, I don't think it'll affect our bottom line that much as long as next week we get back to matters of the tum-tum. Okay.

Including who our favorite of the three ninjas is. Mine's Rocky. Why don't we just caution to the wind, gab for today. We'll see who comes back with the biggest fourth quarter spend buy. Is it Rolaids or is it Tum Tum? Tum, excuse me. And yeah, let's just gab. Curveball, it's Maalox.

Oh, boy. Yeah. Let's put the biggest fourth quarter spend buy in corporate history. It'll eradicate. One time, Jesse, go. We'll show those fizzy tabs. The war on acid reflux will be won this quarter. We're just a creamy medicine.

Not a tab at all. Let's just gab. There's no medicine in our product. It's baking soda and mint flavor. I thought Maalox was like a diamond tab. No, Maalox is a drink. Yeah. But I think they have tablets as well. It's like a Pepto. Interesting. Yeah it a fizzy tap? No, Maalox is a drink. Yeah. But I think they have tablets as well.

It's like a Pepto. Interesting. Yeah, that's what I was picturing. You know what? Can I say something? It's a creamy, yeah. I know we're about to veer off topic here, but on this topic, Pepto Bismol, if you look at the active ingredients, the active ingredient is pink bismuth.

That's not a medicine. What is that? That's just some made-up shit from 1874. It sounds like... It might as well say, active ingredient, Fiji mermaid. It seems like it's the name of a town in England. Yeah.

Pink bismuth. Pink bismuth on welts. Mm-hmm. Hey, why don't we just grab a random comic guest. Maybe someone with television credits. Yes. Pink Bismuth on tums.

There you go. The prestige. Okay, well, Josh Gondelman is here. Should we just have Josh Gondelman join us? Yeah, I mean, I'd like to hear a little bit about him first. Well, he's a beloved stand-up comedian. He's got on some fiber-knit Adidas. What else do we need to know, Josh? I feel like that's it.

My shoes and how much people love me. That's all I try to have people know. Josh Gondelman, welcome to Jordan. Yes, you go. What a joy to have you here. What a pleasure to be here amongst you. What's your favorite color, Bismuthnellman, welcome to Jordan. Yes, you go. What a joy to have you here. What a pleasure to be here amongst you. What's your favorite color, bismuth? Oh, gosh.

Well, I mean, pink is obviously the classic, but I could go for a teal bismuth. I know it's not a color. I learned this two years ago, but I like a paisley bismuth. Sure. Which that's a pattern. I hear. Sure. That is actually the famous trio of Don Johnson bismuths.

I don't know if you guys read food trend websites. I love them. Sure. I love trend hunting in every form. And I love food both trendy and classic. I hear that those, the boys in the lab are working on a clear bismuth. Oh. I don't know if you noticed the clear pumpkin pie that was all the rage this year.

Interesting. But apparently they're going to apply that technology to bismuth. Crystal bismuth. Sure, yeah. Sounds good. Yeah, Van Halen's writing a song about it. How are you, Josh Gondelman? You're visiting us from the great city of New York.

That's true. I'm delighted to be here. You have your stuff with you. I do. You came with luggage. That's how. I'm delighted to be here. You have your stuff with you. I do. You came with luggage. That's how important our show is to you. I wanted to make sure I was on time and I didn't

have, because I had dinner with friends, I didn't have a chance to check into my Airbnb which I mentioned earlier off mic, is one of those Airbnbs where they vehemently insist you don't acknowledge that it's an Airbnb. Where you have to walk in and just be like, ah, a place I've been many times with my oldest and dearest friends.

It's me, someone's cousin. Yes, a cousin. Also, how does the shower work? Where do I leave the key for my cousin? Why? Why are you yelling? It's just, like, the email I got could not have been more clear

about, like, if you acknowledge this is an Airbnb, I will find you because you'll be in my house. Oh, wow. And I'll kill you in my house. Now, I mean, that's fucked up. It is fucked up to be like, this is illegal and that's on you, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy paying for it. Right, and it's also, there are, it happened after, yeah, yeah. The guy paying for it. Right. And it's also there are – it happened after.

Like it wasn't in the listing, right? So I clicked confirm and I got my confirmation and the confirmation was just like, a car will pick you up at dawn. But hey, it's a real thrill that you're renting an Airbnb from Liam Neeson's house. It absolutely is. I'm taken with it. Yeah. Yeah. is.

I'm taken with it. Yeah. I mean, what was weird when I saw the email, what was weird about the email is that they said the cover story is that it's a CIA dark site. Yeah. They're like, when someone says, why are you here? I have to be like, where am I? There's no extradition laws. Where am I?

I haven't eaten or drank water in days. And they're like, oh, one of the dark side guys. This checks out. Buzz them in. Can I bring up an ongoing issue that we've been having? Yeah. Josh, I don't know how regularly you listen to the program, but one of our most beloved traditions is that of Anal August. Right.

Now, for you, Josh, if this doesn't ring any bells, we like to celebrate Anal August. We got the idea from a sign on the Pleasure Chest sex toy store. Okay. Every month, every year, they celebrate Analogist and have sales on. They read August Wilson plays with their butt. Yeah. Yeah. Ace Ventura style. Butt fences.

Butt fences. Joe Turner's come on a butt. I mean, I think mostly what it is, it's sales on, you know, items for your anus and, you know, workshops and stuff like that. Right. And, you know, we like to celebrate it too.

Now, the workshops, are they anus related or just any workshop? Like pottery? Yeah. Yeah, like how to leverage real estate to buy more real estate. But you have to have a butt plug in while it's happening. Adel August is you. It's a discount on a butt plug and also night school.

It's actually all accountancy classes. So it's for two different they have classes in butt sex and then they have classes in things where you have to be very careful right right right careful if you if you want to come uh pass your actuarial exam you do have to be anal um but you know we we decided to to apply the tenets Analogous to the entire rest of the year. So the back half of 2017, pun intended, we're calling the whole thing Analogous. Yeah, we're kind of living in the spirit of Analogous. And again, it doesn't all have to be about ass play during sex, it can, you know, it can just, it's a general, you know,

a general, a kind of a metaphor for being more open, being more curious. Wider. Staring into the brown void and wondering, wondering what's to come. Yeah. Having new experiences and thinking, what does this mean about me? Yeah. Am I a fundamentally different person or is this encompassed in my previous concept of my identity? Sure.

And here's some new nerve endings. Why didn't I try this when my girlfriend in college suggested it? That's a big thing I've had this year. That's flipping houses, right? Yes. Okay. She was like, Josh, you should get into real estate because this English major is not going to be an earner for you. Yeah. That's flipping houses, right? Yeah. Okay. She was like, Josh, you should get into real estate because this English major is not going to be an earner for you. Yeah.

So, and I've noticed that this kind of, the celebration that we're having is not getting a lot of traction online. People are not talking about it. You know, it's Avengers trailer this and Star Wars that, but nobody is talking about year-long Analogist. And something, it kind of occurred to me that maybe it's not, that we need a little bit of that celebrity razzmatazz that that other stuff has. You know, a little glitz and a little glamour.

And I was kind of thinking about maybe seeing if we can get a spokesperson for Analogous. Oh that's a nice idea. Yeah I mean and I'm thinking about who you know. My first thought is Lucy from Peanuts. She's great but you know a little old fashioned. Right. You know they've been around since you know lord knows

how long. I think the first Peanuts comic was about mustard cats right? It's about mustard cats-related ailments. Yeah, that was Snoopy the Red Baron was dropping mustard gas. That was not anachronistic at the time. No, it was, can I make an alternative suggestion? What about one of the characters from Rhymes with Orange? Again, good.

And we've been talking to the people from Mutz. Two words. Dagwoodwood bumstead he's got bum in the name sure i thought well much rhymes with butts that was kind of my thinking but you're right but you're right there's you know but puns all around for the characters from comic strips but i'm like let's get out of comic strips. You know, it's a, I don't want to say it's a dying medium, but it's seen better days. But you know what's classic is movies. The cinema, the magic, the magic of the silver screen. And I'm thinking like for Analogus, we need a young star, someone who can speak to millennials. And I'm thinking who better for Analogus than Ansel Elgort.

Same initials. Yeah. Nope. I was thinking Al Gord Analogous than Ansel Algort. Same initials. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. I was thinking Algort's not how he spells it. But he could change it. Analogous, Ansel Algort. Right.

Analogous, Ansel Algort. My first thought was Willem Dafoe. But I like this Algort idea. Yeah. We could do kind of an anal driver maybe kind of promo. Oh, yeah. Sure. Driving, pounding in time with music.

iPod. Yeah. iPod. Sure. iPod. And what are those ear pods, the ear pods except for butt plugs for your ears? That's true. That's a really good point.

And what is the ear but a butt on the head? plugs for your ears. That's true. Yeah. And what is the ear but a butt on the head? And what is the head other than a bunch of butt cheeks on top of your shoulders?

Sure. Anyway. You know, if you ask me, the brain should be stimulated just like a prostate. Oh.

It's nature's prostate. How many nerve endings does the brain have? So many. Yeah. Dozens. Dozens. Several. Yeah. Dozens. Dozens. Several.

Yeah, and I think as kids, you know, we're kind of shamed. We're told to keep your fingers out of your brain. Right. Right. Because they say it'll do damage. You don't want to put them too far in your ears or your nose, your fingers. No, that's why you got to flare the base. You got to flare the base.

So, you know, I just want people to get out there and, you know, I want to see the hashtag Ansel Algort for Analogist. Is that numeral four? Yeah. How is Ansel Algort spelled? Oh, I don't know. It's an easy Google, though. Look at the baby driver IMDB page. Because I'm accidentally going to type Army Hammer.

Oh, Army Hammer. Well, end of the day, if we're being realistic, I'm accidentally going to type Armie Hammer. Oh, Armie. Well. End of the day, if we're being realistic, I'm going to type Armie Hammer. Sure. Armie Hammer for anal Al Gord. Can I ask a question about Armie Hammer? Yes. I probably won't be able to help you, but I'm happy to hash it out with you.

Now, first of all, I don't have a strong understanding of who Armie Hammer is. There's two of them. Okay. So here two of them. Okay. So here's my question. Is he like the baseball player Milton Bradley where he has like an accidental novelty name? Or was his name Armand and he's like, well, if you change it to Armie,

I sound like baking soda. That's what Hollywood loves. Yeah. I want to be the actor you put in your refrigerator for five years and forget about. He makes my cat box so handsome. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I assumed the first time I heard Army Hammer that it was a Vin Diesel situation, that the guy just picked the craziest Suden Impossible.

I mean, it sounds like the name of... His first name is actually Armistice. It sounds like somebody, if they wanted to take their name off a screenplay. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Put Army Hammer on there. You know, his first name is Armistice

and his last name is Hammer Time. Finally, a peace treaty during the stress and strain and national nightmare that is Hammer Time. This show will get more drunk this week. We've needed a Hammerstice for so long. Yeah. We find new times. And I think ultimately the goal of the Hammerstice is we just want everybody to know, please hammer, don't hurt them.

That album was kind of a Hammerstice. Yeah. Throw down your arms. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Josh Gondelman. Okay.

Sponsors on this week's program. We've got them. Every week, everybody who goes to MaximumFun.org slash donate, a salute to you, the MaxFun donor. And I want to be clear. I literally saluted here for no reason. It's not visible. But I can verify it. Thank you very much.

It's verified. Yeah. You got that blue hashtag. Wait, checkmark? Checkmark. Checkmark. That blue checkmark. First of all, our friends at Sudio Sweden.

Hey, Jesse. Yeah. Real quick. You know how Sudio Sweden, a fine headphone brand. Yeah, of course. They have a full range of both wired and wireless Bluetooth headphones. You know how we like to come up with slogans that they didn't ask us for? Yeah.

So we'll look at the qualities of the brand. We'll say Studio Sweden. We'll say sleek modern headphones. We'll say studio quality sound. We'll say classic Scandinavian design, cutting-edge technologies, sweat-proof in-ear headphones that stay in your ears no matter what. We go through all of these qualities in an effort to come up with a slogan that they don't want us to make for them.

So, Sudio, right? Sudio looks like good sound is in the air tonight. That's good. I had to do some Googling real quick to make that one work, but I think it did. Hey, these are really fine headphones. They've got an on-ear model. They've got an on-ear model. They've got an in-ear model.

And if you go to Sudiosweden, S-U-D-I-O-S-W-E-D-E-N.com and enter JJGO at checkout, you get 15% off everything in the cart. It's not one item. That's the whole freaking cart. They ship free worldwide, Jordan. Sounds like good bargains are in the air tonight. That's a real sledgehammer of a deal is what I'd say. Shut up, Godelman. Shut up, Godelman.

I didn't know the difference between Peter Gabriel. Don't punch up our advertising here. Don't try and punch up. We're beloved spokes dudes. Sorry you pointed to me earlier. We're the two fellas who can sell water to a well. And you're trying to punch up our classic slogans? I apologize for my slogan, which was also inaccurate.

Because that's Peter Gabriel. Studiosweden.com. Enter JJ Go at checkout. 15% off everything. Tarzan soundtrack. There you go. It's the genesis of good sound. Okay.

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You pour it in a cool glass jar. You stick in an oak stick that they give you. Cork it up. Cork provided. Right. And you stick that in a cool dark place. So you don't have to provide your own cork. No, they're giving you a cork.

Come on, plug it up, right? You got to plug it up. So you stick that in a cool, dark place. And then 10 days later, you have barrel-aged spirits. I had a friend over. You guys know Matty, right? Yeah, sure. Matty's coming over.

Listen, I've been to dinner parties at Matty's house. He and his wife throw lovely dinner parties. And I can tell when it comes to, I know from experience, when it comes to drinks, he's only drinking the good stuff. Right. This guy's top shelf only. This is Matty. This is Matty, baby. Matty top shelf. Matty top shelf.

And he came over. I'm like, what am I going to serve to my friend Matty who, you know, let's face it, probably can't be bothered with a. I don't have a jug full of liquid gold. It's the only thing that would satisfy him. But wait, I have my own barrel-aged whiskey. He was so impressed. I think you should go to bespokepost.com, get your own kit,

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It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Josh Gondelman, Pink Bismuth fan extraordinaire. How about just Pink Bismuth? How much is Pink Bismuth? No, how about just Pink Bismuth? I'm not usually trying to punch up people's nicknames, but... Just Josh Gondelman, Pink Bismuth. Yeah.

I'm in. It's a little punchier. It's a little, it's not quite there, though. Yeah. What about Josh, Pink Bismuth, Yeah. I'm in. It's a little punchier. It's a little. It's not quite there, though. Yeah. What about Josh, Pink Bismuth, Gondolman? Still, we're getting closer. Yeah. Listen, let's put this one back in the oven.

What about Tum Tum Gondolman? That's not bad. Yeah. I'll take it. Hey, guys, I went to see the movie Star Wars at the movie theater. People, for last week's listeners, will know that Jesse got a special invite to the premiere of the new Star Wars and was wondering what to wear. Yeah. So here was the issue, if I can encapsulate it for you, Joshua.

I had never been to a film premiere before, so I was concerned to begin with. And so I emailed my friend, director Paul Feig, and I said, Paul Feig, you're a well-dressed man that's probably been to – he was the first person I thought of, a well-dressed guy that goes to movie premieres. He was the first person I thought of, a well-dressed guy that goes to movie premieres. So I emailed Paul Feig and I said, should I wear a tux? Should I wear a suit? Should I wear – and he said if it was me, I would wear a tux. And I'm like, great. I have a tux.

I'm going to wear my tux. Look like a million dollars out there on if not the red carpet, then the back entrance that they let journalists into. The regular carpet. Roll out the red carpet. Yeah, kind of taupe industrial carpet. We don't need to roll it out. It's always there. The good thing is it sort of hides soil. And it's soda stains don't show.

It's got a mottled. Anyway, so then I thought I was all set until I got a final confirmation email, which there's – the amount of emailing back and forth you have to do to get into the premiere of Star Wars, The that no helmets, blasters, or laser swords. Lightsabers. I know that word. I was genuinely trying to think of it though. Lightsabers. No blasters, lightsabers, or helmets were allowed for security reasons. That sounds like if that were in the Star Wars world, that would be like a –

like the cantina, that would be like their racist dress code. Like no baggy jeans. Sure. No helmets. No Ben Davis shirts. Just specifically name blaster and lightsaber. You are opening it up to literalist types who know a lot about Star Wars bringing in other Star Wars weapons. Yeah, like those kind of – there's a guy in the Star Wars movie who's got these kind of like double swords.

I think those are also lightsabers. Okay. What about Darth Maul? He had that sword that was on both ends. I think it still counts lightsabers. Oh, okay. What about Darth Maul? He had that sword that was on both ends. I think it still counts as a lightsaber. I don't think it's the amount of blades. It seems like this isn't a problem then. Yeah, but I mean, I guess I can't think of any other weapon.

But maybe that's it. It simply doesn't exist. But that also does leave it open to just any other regular weapon like brass knuckles. Sure. A grenade. A single grenade. It didn't say no grenades. What do you want me to make my knuckles out of? Rice?

It said Star Wars chic, right? Listen, I'm just coming to a movie, swinging a hockey stick around. It ain't got nothing to do with Star Wars chic, right? Listen, I'm just coming to a movie, swinging a hockey stick around. It ain't got nothing to do with Star Wars. Who am I? So last week on the show, Jordan suggested I make a pocket square out of a set of Star Wars bed sheets, which I wasn't quite ready for, but the spirit of it inspired me. Which is what you wear when you were a high schooler going to virgin prom. I had the idea.

Or you can wear it to Jackoff Winter Formal. Some of us didn't get invited to virgin prom. Jackoff Winter Formal, You can go stag. Sure, yeah. It's recommended. Yeah. Also known as homecoming. Go ahead.

Homestaying. Homestaying. I was the homestaying king in high school. I masturbated quite a bit. I went on eBay and found vintage Star Wars pins. But the timeline was so narrow. I had like five days. So I just bought four different sets of vintage Star Wars pins, just hoping that one would arrive in time.

And I did. I ended up wearing a little C-3PO on my lapel, which I was happy with because he is the fanciest Star War. Yeah. Wouldn't you say? Sure. He's the most gentlemanly Star War. Yeah. He kind of has brass knuckles.

Jesus. Fuck you, John. He has a red arm now. Anyway. He has a red arm now? Yeah. Huh. I think he just had regular arms in this. He didn't have one gold arm and one red arm?

Did they fix his arm? Oh, Jesse, I said no spoilers. They fixed the arm? No, I don't even need to see it. Maybe they didn't and I just didn't notice. I bet some people will genuinely get mad at us for that. I noticed the special books. That's a spoiler.

Oh, boy. There's special books in this? You got to notice them. You got to notice the special books. The IMAX man at the party told me that. Notice those books. He was like, did you notice the special books in this? You got to notice them. You got to notice the special books. The IMAX man at the party told me that. Notice those books. Did you notice the special books? And I was like, yeah, were those the special books or is that just what space books look like?

You guys will think this is really funny once you've seen the movie. So anyway, I wore a little C-3PO. It was a trip, man. They had fucking bomb sniffing dogs. No, I believe it. You had to sniff up your car on the way in. Good thing you didn't take their instructions literally and bring a bomb. Don't say no bomb.

It was intense. You have a big round bowling ball with a wick coming out of it. It's a classic silent film bomb. There was a grand red carpet with giant 40-foot tall spaceships and like bleachers like a high school football game. Wow. Yeah, it was bonkers. And I was not allowed to go there. Again.

You couldn't go to the bleachers? Well, they gave me and my – Why did you want to go to the bleachers? I wanted to go on the red carpet like a specialman. I wanted to be special. I was wearing my little outfit. But I did get to walk a red carpet like a specialman i wanted to be special i was wearing my little outfit but there i did get to walk a red carpet but if you imagine like cyclone fences behind the bleachers on either side of the real red carpet that has a 50 foot high grand entranceway with robots and uh spaceships and of dramatic lighting and the things that you'd get your picture taken in front of

that say Star Wars and all that shit. And on the other side of the chain link fence was just a second unlit red carpet that ran past the porta potties. And that's where journalists walk in. But easy access to the potties. Oh, yeah. You can avoid those long movie star bathroom lines.

Peeed like a horse. Sure. I was trying to think, so our friend in college.... You can avoid those long movie star bathroom lines. Peeed like a horse. Sure. I was trying to think, so our friend and colleague... You know who takes a long time in the bathroom is that John Boyega. Oh, boy.

You'll never get in there if Boyega's in there. Our friend and colleague John Hodgman from the Judge John Hodgman podcast was planning to attend. Mm-hmm. Although I had been sworn

to secrecy because he had told his children it was just a business trip to Los Angeles. So they wouldn't be mad at him for going without them. But I think he got a cold or something. Listen, I'm just going to go see Star Wars and then a quick trip to the candy factory. He was unable to go, so I was worried because I was like, who am I going to see there that I know? I don't know anybody at the Star Wars.

I mean, I know the director of Star Wars, Rian Johnson, but I figured he'd be busy. But I mean, I know it's a little bit weird because you guys dated. But I mean, are you on good terms with Warwick Davis? I don't know. Some people can like talk to exes when they see him in public. And some people can't. You know, you could have gone the other direction with that joke and said Lupita Nyong'o. Mm-hmm.

She's beautiful. I said Warwick Davis. Yeah, he's a- Who I think is beautiful. A middle-aged male little person. Which I think is beautiful. Congratulations, Jordan. Yeah.

And you know what? Hey, I don't need all these spaceships. Make a movie about single mothers. That's a good point. Sorry all this CGI rock'em sock'em. Give me a nice movie about a single... Warwick Davis is pretty handsome. There's Erin Brockovich.

Do you just want them to make Erin Brockovich? Yeah. Hey, Hollywood, why don't you make an Erin Brockovich instead of 10 Thor movies a year? Maybe turn a couple of those Thors into Erin Brockoviches. How about an extended Aaron Brockovich-iverse that includes Netflix series? I'm a big fan of the Brockiverse. Yeah.

All the characters. Yeah. The mean boss. Sure. Aaron Brockovich. I assume her kids. I haven't seen it. I don't remember. Oh, and don't forget a love interest. Probably. It wasn't seen it. I don't remember. Oh, and don't forget, a love interest. Probably. It wasn't Hugh Grant, but it could have been.

Or was it? I don't know. Well, I was trying to think of who I might know. And literally the only name I could come up with in my head was Patton Oswalt. I was like, we know Patton Oswalt, friend of the program. Although I think it may be that Patton Oswalt is the person we know best who has never actually agreed to come on the show. Has he ever even been on Jordan Jessica? I don't think so.

Yeah, maybe he hasn't. Anyway, he's a lovely man, Patton Oswalt. And I thought, well, Patton Oswalt might be there. So in this sea of 2,500 people, I'll just find Patton Oswalt. I immediately got in the security line behind Patton Oswalt. I immediately got in the security line behind Patton Oswalt. Wow. So that was quite a thrill. Patton was there. He was lovely to me. Introduced himself to my wife for the fourth time. It was a very lovely, we're on, and it's in this auditory, this monstrous auditorium on the usc campus i guess maybe because

ryan went there or just because there's only so many 3 000 seat theaters in los angeles but yeah like they they george lucas maybe did george look i know he's george lucas also went there yeah maybe not the not the star wars man anymore but, he definitely went there, for sure. And it was fucking bonkers. Because here's the thing. You're milling around in this lobby, and I saw someone else I know, although only professionally, Greta Gerwig. So I bothered Greta Gerwig for a second.

She was startled. Not unreasonable, you know. Oh, you startled Gerwig? We've all been there. Classic Brooklyn story. Yeah. You knew you grew up in Brooklyn when you spooked a Gerwig. But there's like thousands.

There's like a thousand people that I guess worked on the movie or producers, agents, whatever. And then there's 500 movie stars just milling around. A bunch of John Boyegas just shaking hands. If it's Mark Hamill, Mark Hamill the entire time just enjoying his return to meaningfulness. Yeah. Just really sucking the juices out of it. And his newfound non-fatness yeah um look i have nothing and i suck the juices out of that so i begrudge

i have so little and when i get a moment that my like to feel like luke skywalker at a star wars premiere the the closest i get to that is like uh is like if I knock over the canister where I keep the dog treats and my dog is like, God has visited upon us. I think if I were Luke Skywalker – and Mark Hamill, who's – by the way, is very good in the film. Definitely the best Luke Skywalker acting ever. film definitely the best luke skywalker acting ever um he if he sort of like when they introduced him before the movie he sort of he sort of danced and bowed his way on stage as i'd say semi ironically but i'm gonna put it at 15 ironically i um i saw a viral vid of Mark Hamill surprising fans at Star Tours. So this is shaky cam phone video, I guess. If you're at Star Tours, who do you want to see?

The answer is there's only one fucking answer. Pee Wee Herman. That's the star of Star Tours. The voice of the robot that hasn't been there in 15 years. He would really surprise fans if he showed up there. And Mark Hamill comes out and he says something like, you know, oh, look at this hive of scum and villainy. People fucking lose their shit. People are going crazy.

And Mark Hamill's kind of drinking it all in. And then he does that thing where you put your elbow on your hand and you do the applause-o-meter? All right. And, like, you have now broken the fantasy. I wish. You know because it was Star Wars fans when he said the highest scum and villainy thing, someone went, that wasn't your line. Someone else said that.

Yeah. But, yes, Mark Hamill did, like, what your dad does when he asks who wants to go for ice cream and, and like measures the applause anyway there were yeah i think in within mark hamill is just a like corn ball like you can he's you know in those movies he's the greatest you know warrior in the history of the galaxy but no i think the man is just like he's a corn a nice corn a nice corn goof i bet he's never killed anyone yeah i bet he still has both his hands. He's probably not even a hot-blooded murderer.

Yeah. He probably can't do any kind of telepathy magic. He was really lovely in the film. But it's like movie stars, show business types. The show business types are all together. And the sweetest thing is there's probably in this 2500 seat theater there's probably 200 like star wars what's the thing called where it's like star wars civil war reenactment where you'd be where you're like the president of a stormtrooper yeah the stormtrooper battalions or something like that. Yeah, but then there's – They're like local stormtrooper clubs.

They were like rebel guys. There was no one dressed like a stormtrooper. But there was all these people – With helmets. There was all these people in their special – in their like hot rod shirts but for their Star Wars club. And I was going to the bathroom and I just heard this one woman say to her friend. She just went, I don't know what's going to happen but I know I'm going to the bathroom and I just heard this one woman say to her friend she just went I don't know what's going to happen but I know I'm going to cry

and I was like this fucking lady this is the greatest thing I've felt so shitty for only having generally positive feelings about Star Wars like I like Star Wars as much as the next guy it's fun but like I felt so bad that I was definitely keeping someone like that out of a seat.

Right. Someone who was just like, this would mean everything. She looked like I would come so hard I'd die. I could lose a limb from orgasm. Sure. I came my arm off. We got seats. I was there with my wife, Teresa, and we got seats behind Paul F. Tompkins and Janie Haddad.

Hold on. Let's talk snacks. Oh, well. On the way in, well, here's some bullshit. I'd like to take this up with Fox or whoever owns Star Wars. Disney. Disney owns Star Wars now. There were free pails of popcorn.

Star Wars commemorative popcorn pails. It was great. This is not a real movie theater, though, so this is not fresh popcorn. Stale popcorn. Smart food. I would love to have smart food. If you give me smart food at the movie theater, I'm in first concern. Smart food. I would love to have smart food. If you give me smart food at the movie theater, I'm in.

I love smart food. I also love smart food. Fucking really good. I should not. It feels like one of those things that you should eat and be like, no, this isn't food, but it's so delicious. Yes. It's fucking super good.

So that was going on. And then there was free pails of soda pop with people passing the number of people working at this event was awe inspiring there's just a person every 18 inches indicating what direction

you should walk and like what it was bananas and so there's these pails of soda pop pails of soda pop they fucking ran out

of everything except water and Diet Coke. The two worst drinks. God only knows. I used to mix them, though, when I was a kid. Half Diet Coke, half water. It's called a suicide because after you drink it, you're reminded that you have no reason to live. So I got myself a water and then I opened up my popcorn container.

Guess what I got? A bunch of fucking blackened kernels. Blackened kernels. I had to share my wife's popcorn. I opened up my popcorn. Bees! They got one prank popcorn. Everyone runs out of the Star Wars premiere because of the bees.

Sat behind Paul F. Tompkins and his beautiful wife, Janie Haddad. So that was nice. Nice to see Paul there. I like that the invitation list is like, okay, well, I mean, obviously the stars of the film and then people from upcoming Disney films we want there to be on the carpet. Greta Gerwig probably going to be nominated for an oscar this year sure yeah our favorite people from comedy podcasts yes and then and then let's try and get in largo regulars can we get amy man sure yeah what's andy kindler up to who has appeared on cso programs

we just feel so bad we just feel so bad. We just feel so bad about CISO. Yeah. So I felt, honestly, I felt bad for Paul. Because let's be frank. Paul is much more talented and successful than me. And I felt that by being in the same area of the theater as him, it demeaned him. That, like, me sitting next to Paul, like, look, I have my own NPR show. of the theater is him, it demeaned him. That like me sitting next to Paul, like, look, I have my own

NPR show. I'm not crying. You know what I mean? But everyone knows Paul Tompkins is the most talented man and he's an extraordinary success and for him to have to think about the fact he's only one row in front of me,

probably one row behind me is some mailroom asshole from William Morris. You know what I mean? High on blow. Sorting mail like a madman. And then behind him just a bunch of puppets lying slumped. Just no one working the streets. Yeah, just classic marionettes. I felt bad for Apollo.

Maybe we could get some Make-A-Wish kids in here to fill this back row. I think they would really love that. Nah. Anyway, the Star Wars movie itself was delightful. I loved it. Loved every second of it. A lot of good laughs in there. I would say if I was going to put my

finger on something that i was most impressed by in the star wars movie a lot of great laughs that totally didn't break the tone of the film in the way that those laughs in in blockbuster movies often do like it's like oh we're gonna throw in a cute joke now you're like that's fine it's not a bad joke it's just not of a piece with the rest of it it was nice to watch like a grand serious Star Wars movie that also had some of the kind of light rye-ness that's nice

about Star Wars and I know you're being careful about spoilers but I'm kind of reading between the lines here I kind of know what you're getting at yeah Jim Carrey's in it I was going to say Deadpool shows up totally consistent with the world I kind of know what you're getting at. Yeah, Jim Carrey's in it. I was going to say Deadpool shows up. Totally consistent with the world of the film. Yes, looks right at the camera, says, damn, Daniel.

And then flies away on a fart. I will say one other quality thing about Star Wars. And this is something that is not as – I don't think this is a spoiler because it's true of that Star Wars number seven as well. I don't know whose idea it was to put Adam Driver in the driver's seat, no pun intended, of the Star Wars franchise. But pun accomplished. Thank you. Like I – I'm just an accidental punster, you know? I've been trying to resist making a joke about calling one of those puppets Mannequin Skywalker

for, like, four minutes. So I apologize. It's just innate. I mean, how did you feel when you heard that Adam Driver, the goofy whiner of girls' fame, was going to be the bad guy in the new Star Wars movies? I'm a Driver fan. I was, and I feel like when I heard that casting, I saw the potential. Really?

You saw it right away? Yeah, totally. Because I am also a Driver fan. I had no beef with Adam Driver previously, but I was like, okay. He's terrific. You say Oscar Isaac's going to be in it. Okay, sure. I understand Oscar Isaac as a hot-headed flyboy.

Sure. Like hot-headed flyboy Llewyn Davis. The original hot-headed flyboy. Kind of the Han Solo of the 60s New York folk fiction scene. Folk fiction. I meant scene. Folk fiction. I meant fiction.

Folk fic. Folk fic, yeah. He is in this one. He's even more essential to this one than he was to the last one. And he's so, so fucking good. Yeah, he's great. He is so fucking good. I mean, there's like Laura Dern is in this.

Dern! I just want to know, like, can you imagine a movie where you have so much money and prestige that you're like, we got to fill the ninth slot on this call sheet. Can we get Benicio Del Toro? You know what I mean? I feel like the thing about Driver pre-Star Wars is like there's a bubbling intensity. There's a mania behind the eyes, you know? Right. He's a handsome charmer, but you feel like he would snap your neck and not feel bad about it the next day. Right.

So, yeah, I totally see, saw Driver as. That's how he became Darth Vader. As a good Star War. Yeah. From Star Wars. So the movie was a joy. It'll totally deliver on your expectations. And I hope I'm not leading you astray because I saw it in a theater full of 2,500 people

who were really excited to see it. And also the director is my friend. The only premiere I've ever been to, I used to work, I used to do goofy red carpet coverage and when you do those, they, you know, usually don't let

the red carpet press in. Right. Usually the people seeing the movie are, you know, newspaper people and et cetera.

Right. Not, not, you know, gossip journalists, which is what I consider to myself. Right.

Sure. You were the Liz Smith of your generation. Yeah. But the movie that they did invite everybody from the red carpet in was Death Proof. And when I got out of it, I'm like, Death Proof! Everyone's going to love this! I'm sorry.

I just spit all over. And I apologize. But I was trying to convey my enthusiasm that I had coming out of Death Proof. And now, and then, it came out and people were like, we hate Death Proof. I'm like, well, you should have seen it at a premiere where everyone was going nuts and you got free popcorn. Yeah, idiots. Yeah.

So I can't- You jackasses saw it wrong. I can't promise you anything, but I certainly really enjoyed it. And then you kind of, the movie ends and you're kind of trying to sneak out of the theater because there's supposed to be dinner what can you imagine having so much money that you're giving 2,800 people dinner after they just experienced the most satisfying experience of their year yeah like the fan the people that were there as fans and not as like

celebrity guests, I imagine most people left that being like, I don't ever have to eat again. Yeah. I have been nourished. And now to the courtyard for beats.

Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That's the beat march. Oh, can I give one more insider info? Please. Fucking porgs are dope. Yeah.

Porgs are what? Porgs rule. Anybody bitching about porgs is on my X list. You're getting blocked on Twitter, whatever. You know what? That shit is hilarious. They got little wings and whatnot. I like the look of them.

They're very cute and charming. My friend Mike Dennison has been drawing a porg a day. But like all with pun conceits. They're really great. What are some of these pork buns? Oh, I knew you were going to say it. I mean I'm sure he's done like a pork pie hat or like – Pork bun?

Yeah, pork bun. Yeah, sure, sure. Things like that. They're very charming and funny. And they remind me – this is the second time I mention her because she's such a goober. But they remind me of my dog. A porg is very – like I imagine they're the pugs of space. You know, I mean, I think this ropes back around to our earlier conversation.

I mean, what is a porg but an adorable little butt plug? That's a good one. That flared base. So you wander, so you're sneaking out of the theater, like, I'm going to go get some food to eat, you know. So you're sneaking out of the theater like, I'm going to go get some food to eat. You're sneaking out of this enormous theater, and you sneak into this kind of in-between space. Because this theater is like, this is on a college campus. It's like built in the 20s. So it has a kind of combination of incredible grandeur and dilapidatedness.

grandeur and dilapidatedness. And so you wander out into what amounts to like the emergency exit stairs that, that you, that you go up and sneak into a movie, you know, as a 14 year old, uh, that you're, if you're sneaking over from the premiere of a different giant Hollywood,

but with like, there's some kids, there's some kids's some kids jumping the fence from the post. You're like in. Wyatt, don't tell them we just saw Molly's game. You're in like a smoky underlit corridor because there's party smoke machines going, but you don't know that there will be that. And literally Paul F. Tompkins was standing in front of me as we exited, and he turned around and he said, what the fuck is going on?

I have no idea. He kind of went down into this giant room that was set up as a casino, which there's casino theme, there's a casino sequence. Ah, spoilers! Books, Casinos? Joe Pici murders the guy with a ballpoint pen. Then you get yourself some high quality catering

style short ribs, macaroni and cheese and chopped salad. Hell yeah. But what is most disconcerting about the entire going into the party feeling is inside the theater where you've been for three hours or whatever.

There's a whole part where they introduce all the cast members. Everybody gets applauded. They talk about what, how wonderful Carrie Fisher was, you know, like all these different things before they show the movie and the movie's not short. And,

uh, although it feels short cause it's a delight. Um, but all this shit happens, right? So you've been in this theater for hours and the whole time you're listening to John Williams' music.

Like, from the second you sit down, which when, by the way, they are playing some sort of live video stream from the red carpet with three different hosts in three different places throwing to each other that i don't know if it was on the internet but i may have just been done for this screen

so you've had so much you know so many fucking fanfares and for hours and the whole movie is chock-a-block with that shit just as the other new star was just no break from the grand orchestral themes and you just wander down these smoky stairs and all of a sudden it's like walk like an egyptian is playing mambo number five on repeat for the whole after party it's like and and the whole room is like star wars themed out like there's it was sponsored by let's say as uh what we'll describe as a second tier Japanese automotive brand. And they had several of their cars and trucks built to look like spaceships from Star Wars. Like with giant like 10-foot high armatures on them. So they were still – I'll be frank, a Nissan Rogue.

But also at the same time a spaceship. Yeah, it was very, so totally like themed out and bonkers and lights and stuff. Except for the fact that they're still playing Take On Me on the PA. Get yourself a nice dinner. Couldn't stay that long. But get yourself a nice dinner from the buffet. Go check out the Instagram opportunities. Try and decide whether you have enough dignity to do that or not do it.

I decided against it. Then Paul did it. And he got a lot of likes out of it. And I felt like I missed an opportunity because Paul has more dignity than me. I guess I could have ended up with a dignity deficit because of the dignity cost of doing that. My wife is always really good about like, let's take the picture. And I'm always like reticent. And then I never regret it.

You never get to cash in those dignity points at the end of your life where it's like, actually, you didn't take any pictures in front of Instagram photo ops. You're the citizen cane of people. Congratulations. Well, what happens is as long as through the course of your life you never take an opportunity to have your picture taken with C-3PO, at the end of the day or at the end of your life when life sunsets upon you and you go to the pearly gates, before you meet St. Peter, C-3PO blows you. It's like, have you taken any pictures with me? I'm ready for some human. No, sir, you didn't. Now I know what they mean by human-cyborg relations.

It's a very good C-3PO joke. That's the sound. It's got a hydraulic. I mean, that hydraulic noise, that's like the clacking keyboard on an iPhone. You're going to want to turn that off before you start. You don't want those cyborg blowjob sound effects going. You're like, who even likes these? And hey, can we get R2-D2 in here?

The original butt plug. But it was a real genuine extravaganza. I had a nice talk with a man from the IMAX Corporation. He's the one who pointed out. He's the one who asked me about those space books. Yeah, I know, which now I basically have no reason to see the movie now. Thanks a lot. Now that you know they're space books.

Yeah. Can I tell you something else they got in there? Space guns. Oh. I know. Don't do the noises. I was hoping the noises would be a secret. I've never seen any movie.

This is going to be the first movie I ever saw. Yeah, what if the guns were like, boing? Nissan, Nissan. Microsoft Surface. Oh. Those are a little distracting wow I like this almost as much as I like the sidelines of the NFL

my other favorite entertainment product I only love Microsoft Surface entertainments yeah it was it was quite the it was quite the

fucking extravaganza it made me want to I guess be successful the fucking extravaganza. It made me want to, I guess, be successful or well known or liked so I could do this in the future again.

Yeah, I've never had those impulses. I think that with the rate at which they are making Star Wars movies, they're probably going to be hard up to fill those auditoriums at some point. So Johnny, me and Josh will probably get, once they're making the Wicked Solo movie, then we're probably getting invited. Wicked Solo is kind of like the gritty Boston reboot of Star Wars.

Where Han Solo is a janitor at BU. And he meets a super smart Ewok. Hey, do you like portioned bread? How do you like them portioned breads? All in all, it was a remarkable evening the lesson that i took home from it is that uh my body is broken and i can't stay up past 10 like no matter it doesn't matter if you're at the premiere the million dollar premiere of star wars if you are a 36-year-old man with three children, it gets to be 10-08 and you're just like, I'm going to die now.

I have to be home in time for the news. I have to watch the news. I got to know what's happening to my car at those car washes. I have. Is any local landscape or ripping off customers i i've been going i've had a couple like late night parties that i've gone to this year hell yeah and i oh yeah josh hell yeah three parties that start after 10 p.m and whenever i go i nap like it's eminem writing lose yourself

that's just me preparing to socialize till midnight it's justem writing Lose Yourself in a pile. That's just me preparing to socialize till midnight. It's just like, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are sleepy. Meditation podcast in my ears. Exactly. There's vomit on his sweater already.

Unrelated. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. unrelated. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Josh Gondelman, a sledgehammer of a deal. He certainly is so.

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Phonetic, protect your eyes and look good doing it. There we go. Hey, guess what, protect your eyes, and look good doing it. There we go. Hey, guess what, Jordan? Yes. We're headed to the San Francisco Sketch Fest. We sure are. Comedy Festival. So if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, we want to see you Friday, January 12th at 10.30 p.m. at the Gateway Theater, formerly the Eureka Theater.

$25, 10.30 p.m., special guests, Andy Richter. And Bayonix. Yes, the musical group. Yeah, musical group, Bayonix. It's going to be a blast and a half. We've been playing the Eureka Theater now for, what, 10 years? A ton of time. And that really speaks to our relationship with the city of San Francisco, our relationship with Sketch Fest, that venue and the lack of growth in our careers.

Yes. That group of things. Stagnant, stagnant, stagnant. Sorry. We're also going to be doing Judge John Hodgman the previous night at the Castro Theater with some really special guests. Another very cool musical guest whose name I cannot use. Oh, boy. Because I'll tell you why I can't use it.

It's because she has other obligations in town. She can't promote her name that she's going to be there, but it's just that exciting. And Saturday at 1.13 at 8 p.m., I'm going to be a guest on the Obsessed podcast. That's at the Piano Fight Mainstage. $15 Obsessed podcast. And our buddy Matt Piano Fight Mainstage. $15 Obsessed podcast. And our buddy Matt Belknap will be there too.

Awesome. So you can go to MaximumFun.org and you will find all of those events right there in the sidebar on the right-hand side. Yeah, we'll see you in San Francisco and we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Should The Rock run for president?

How about Oprah? Why was pitch canceled? Does Ryan Murphy ever sleep? Settle a bet for me. Who's hotter, the thing or Squirrel Girl? How can I take part in the summer book club? For answers to these questions and so much more, come on over to Pop Rocket,

a pop culture roundtable show with me, Guy Branum, Winter Mitchell, Margaret Wappler, and Karen Tongson. Catch us every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you decide to get your podcasts. I'm not going to judge. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Was that real? Yeah. Jordan Morris, boy detective. That was real. Okay. What do you think I'm... I thought you were warming up.

Okay. Open pit barbecue sauce. Porgs, porgs, porgs. Porgs. Porgs. Gun. Space. Space, space, space. Gun. Gun, gungs, porgs. Porgs. Porgs. Gun. Space. Space, space, space.

Gun. Gun, gun, gun, gun. Hey, I'm Jordan Morris, play detective. And I'm Pink Bismondelman. Yeah. There it is. Time to work it out.

Let's get those fiber-knit Adidas. Mm-hmm. Named after Adidasler. I just read about them. Did you know that the Puma Man and the Adidas. Mm-hmm. Named after Adidasler. I just read about them. Did you know that the Puma Man and the Adidas Man are brothers that hated each other? Yeah. That's amazing. I love that.

There's two places in Somerville, Massachusetts. They're brunch places that have identical menus and they're next door to each other. And the second one was opened by a furious ex-employee of the first place out of spite. No way. Yeah, it rules. And they both subsist? Yeah. Wow.

And people are like very loyal to one or the other. That's awesome. Yeah, it's so awesome. What's on the menu? Like scrambled eggs? Yep. Just brunch stuff? Yep.

Wow. I mean, it's very good. There are not slight differences. It is the exact same food? There are probably slight differences by this point. Like, I imagine the menus have diverged over time. Yeah, but they're very similar. One's more seasonally focused.

One's more local food focused. Both of them entirely fueled by Spite. That's amazing. It's so great. When something happens to you, like, let's just say you quit your old job and start a new one that's exactly the same right next door, out of spite, call and share it with us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The telephone number is 206-984-4FUN. 206-984-4FUN.

That's 206, the area code for Seattle, Washington. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Go. So I recently had a momentous occasion. My name is Sam. I'm from San Francisco, by the way. I was seeing a show at Chapel on Valencia. We got there a little bit early and wanted to catch the end of the opener, which turned out to be this, like,

pretty awesome queer punk band. And mind you, the crowd at the end of the show was, like, maybe 15 people. And towards the end of the show, the lead singer kind of looks at us, and they're like, okay, I'm going to crowd surf. And, you know, the 15 people kind of look at each other, we're like i don't think that's a good idea but they looked really serious

and started to get towards the front of the center of the stage so we all crowd in and finger jumps and we catch them but like barely like we're each carrying maybe like 15 or 20 pounds like it's a significant amount of weight uh and then we all kind, barely. Like, we're each carrying maybe, like, 15 or 20 pounds. Like, it's a significant amount of weight. And then we all kind of stand there because, like, we're supporting this person, but have nowhere to pass them to. So the group kind of starts, like, marching towards the back of the venue, which is not a large venue either. So we, like, get to the back of the venue.

There's another moment of confusion. We end up executing, like, a pretty a pretty well orchestrated u-turn walk them back towards the front of the venue rotate them feet first and drop them on the stage like it was a crazy crowd carry and i thought you guys would enjoy it yeah we're we're doing that. We're doing that all Jordan Jesse goes from now on. Sure. Yeah. Fucking march us around. I would like to have like a little joystick or something that kind of electrocutes the people carrying me to tell them which way to turn at what time.

It's going to be a little tough like while we're, you know, like before people coming into the show, having them attach the electrodes. Right. They're going to have to maybe shave off a little patch of their hair, too. I mean, Chappelle makes people leave their phones in pouches, so I don't see this being a lot different. Yeah, I mean, we're kind of the Chappelle of podcasting. Yeah, too long. Sure. Maybe problematic now.

Yeah. Perhaps always has been. I will say, going back for just a moment uh showing up in time to watch the end of the opener is not early to a concert yeah as someone who's been an opener i liked i also like i like the idea of of of in that moment where they catch they catch the singer like hey we're doing this and then they don't know what to do next. I like the idea that maybe the singer is just like, can you take me to my car? I have to go a couple blocks. Oh, shit.

You know, I'm on the other street. I'm a street over. I'm sorry. Could you bring me to Albertson's? I need milk. Yeah. Produce aisle. Take me through the produce aisle and I'll just scoop what I need.

I don't want cuties. I want satsumas. Man, I definitely – that's a – speaking of old man, that's something I've noticed about myself is that when I go to see live music, I do not try and get there for the opener anymore. I definitely like, and you know, and when I was 16, I was like the first guy in, uh, and wanted to just see every dumb band that was. Yeah, you paid for it. Sure.

Right. If I get to watch the B side players open for Blackalicious, I'm going to watch the B side players. Um, but now like, I feel like if I am going to see live music, I, I mean my,

my, I pride myself in timing it just right. So I don't have to see more things than I want to. And if I get there and there's still like a band on that's not the one I want to see, I feel like I failed. If I see like that last song of the first band, like, well, fuck, here's some standing around I have to do anyway. What am I going to do between acts? Go get a drink like they intended. And I want to do.

I guess I better have eight twelve dollar tequilas i um i've been i'll really enjoy that my wife and i've been doing this thing where we'll buy tickets to something you know cheap twelve dollar tickets to a band that we like and then we'll go well you know starts at doors at nine shows at 9 30 we don't really have to show up till 10 30 because we'll miss the opener. And then at 10 when we would be leaving the house, we go, well, we're not fucking leaving the house now. Just go to sleep. Hey, not only do we not have to be there until 10.30, we don't have to be there at all.

No one's taking attendance. Yeah. We've supported live music already. Sure. They got our money. That's the important part. We've supported them financially. Oh, so sure.

A portion went to goldstar.com. And hey, maybe no one will be there to carry them when they want to crowd surf. Nobody shows up to the gig. Yeah. We're sold out, but there's also no one here. Everyone is in their 30s and they decided they didn't want to come. Do you think that once the lead – The hold steady now just playing to empty arenas.

I saw the hold steady two weeks ago and I got my oldest friend in comedy, Dan Bulger, and I went and it's the drunkest I've ever been. Wow, really? Yes, two weeks ago. I knew I was in trouble because I was holding a gin and tonic

and my friend Dan Bulger said, do you want a gin and tonic? And I said, I have one and pointed to my full glass. And he said, great. Ah, bees. He goes, now you'll have two. And I was like, this night is ending badly. Can I hear a little bit more about how did that happen?

You're going to see a band. Yep. How do you get the drunk, like including college? I didn't drink in college. You're going to see a literate alternative rock band. To be fair, a band where the theme is sad drinking. Yes. It's true.

And happy drinking. Most of the songs and happy drinking. That becomes sad drinking. Sure, yeah. They, it was, so I didn't drink in college. I didn't start drinking until I was like 25. Okay. So I'm doing it wrong now.

Instead of then. And so we went out. We met a couple friends for drinks before. But Dan doesn't drink often anymore. And he saves it for a few concerts. And he was visiting New York. And I was not on my A game at saying no to accepting drinks that my friend bought me. So we had a few drinks before we got there.

And then he said, well, we'll keep. So it was a lot of those. Well, I have a drink. And he goes, well, that's no excuse not to have another drink. And I was like, it is. And then he brought it anyway. And my thought was, well, I wouldn't want to let this go to waste and preserve my physical health and well-being. So I just drank several gins and tonic.

Several gins, many tonics. Several gins, many tonics. Several gins, many tonics. I have kind of a buddy like that. I have a buddy who is a newish dad. And I feel like I don't know this for sure, but my theory is he had a conversation with his wife. And she's like, well, listen, you're a father now. You can't stay out on weeknights. I mean you can't – you certainly can't drink on weeknights.

I mean money is tight. It's expensive. And they're backing – back and forth. Marriage is a compromise, guys. I don't know if you know this. Marriage is a compromise, guys. I don't know if you know this. Marriage is a compromise. And I feel like they struck some sort of compromise that says, well, you can drink as much as you want when you go to see a band with Jordan. Because this friend, like this buddy of mine, just wants to see all bands that come to town and also wants to get wrecked while we see them. And, yeah, and it feels like he's like, this is my one chance. Tonight is the night we can do this.

It's like the last night of senior year. Yeah, exactly. We're all moving away after this. We're all going to different colleges. We gotta get hammered and go to Six Flags. Yeah. We have to see Rick Springfield on a Tuesday. I guess. I don't not want

to see Rick Springfield. And what else is happening on a Tuesday? And we gotta do don't not want to see Rick Springfield. And what else is happening on a Tuesday? And we got to do shots. Yeah. Anyway, should we listen to another call? Yeah, why not? Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse.

Hey, guest. This is Shelby from Nebraska calling for a momentous occasion. I work at Trader Joe's, and I have a family that comes in here every few weeks or every month, and they have, like, three kids all under the under the age of like seven or eight years old. And they buy like five jars of coconut oil each time they come in. So I finally asked like, hey, you know, what's this for? You know, it's super versatile. What's going on?

And the wife looks at me and she goes, oh, well, we use it for extracurricular activities, if you know what I mean. And I was like, oh, well, we use it for extracurricular activities, if you know what I mean. And I was like, oh, okay. And the husband goes, like, top of his lungs, goes, yeah, it really helps with the friction. And I'm, like, beet red, ringing these guys up, and I, like, hurry as fast as possible. And this little girl pops up next to me and goes, yeah, it'll get you pregnant. And I'm just like in shock and I'm hurrying up because I can't do

this anymore. So now whenever I see them and all the coconut oil, I get a little nod from the wife and I think, well, this sucks. So anyway, love the guys. Love you guys. Love you show. Punch a blunt. Bye. First of all, we love you too. I also love you guys love you show uh punch a blunt bye first of all we love you too i also

love you good job josh thank you daniel's on the boards he also loves you danny is that true yeah we're gonna thumbs up yeah he loves her we all love you from nebraska i this is something i know uh because you've had sex in los angeles yeah i uh this is uh this is something that i did not know until i dated a woman who insisted upon it it was uh and it it the first it just felt so wrong the first time i'm like this is food like this is food what is this an 80s movie's idea of what's sexy yeah right am i gonna have to rub a cherry on you at some point? Am I going to have to rub a cherry on your midsection? Just like brew tea in your belly button and pour whipped cream on it.

Is it safe for internal use? I hope so. Because I shoved it up my urethra. Yeah. And it is my urethra. Yeah. And it is silky smooth in there. The pee just comes right out. I'll just say right now, I dated the woman in August, so. It was Ansel Algort, actually.

Doesn't identify. Spokesperson for Anal August. Yeah, Ansel Algort for Anal August. I thought you guys would like that a little more than we did. Anyway, I thought it was fun. It was fun. Yeah, no, I mean, I think it is something that the natural deodorant set insists upon. If you are someone who bathes with Dr. Brommer's.

And only washes using a crystal. Yeah, right. Then you're probably also likely to talk an inappropriate amount about sex in front of your young children. Yeah. It's natural, Josh. Sorry if you're grossed out by it. It makes a lot of sense to use that as you're fucking by the light of a Himalayan salt crystal.

Yeah, sure. Draped only in Tibetan prayer flags. Incense ablaze. Yeah. It's weird, though, that that kid knew enough about sex to know that her parents were having it and that sex got you pregnant, but not enough to know that it wasn't the coconut oil that got you pregnant. Yeah. It seems like if you're being as open about sex as I think these parents are being with a kid.

Must be, certainly. It seems like you correct that. Yeah, it seems like they just gave them the bees talk, which they got halfway there. Yeah, there's birds. We'll go into it later. You don't really need to know about birds. Daddy's got an ultimate Frisbee game to get to. I mean, I think it would give sex a lovely, pungent odor.

Yeah, I mean, obviously, depending on what brand of lube you're springing for. Right. It's already coconut scented. Well, I was going to say the lube typically, I think, has a little bit. The smell is bad. Right. So, I mean, I think at the very least you're making your dong smell like a pie. I've been using shaved coconut for years.

Oh, so, yeah. That's actually – that's – yeah. It is an abrasive. I use one of those young Thai coconuts you get at the grocery store in the refrigerated section. Yeah, those are really nice. My problem is my penis is too smooth. So you need something to help with the fridge. Old dolphin dick gondolman over here.

Was he even there? When she said extracurricular activities, did she mean that they use it for fucking strangers? No. I don't know. I would think that fucking your spouse would be on the curriculum. It's curriculum.

Yeah. That's a core subject. Right. Those are one of the classes you can't skip. Sure. It's the midterm. You need those credits to graduate. And if you do a bad job, you got to do it again in the summer.

This analogy doesn't hold up. I've forgotten when I'm supposed to masturbate into a cup to check my vasectomy. I realized this as I looked at the two cups they provided me with. I think one is at six months, but I don't remember when the other one's supposed to happen. It seems like they should label the cups. I know. Yeah. Sorry, man. I think just. It seems like they should label the cups. I know. Yeah. Sorry, man.

I think just next time you get a chance, fill her up. Yeah. And it would be weird to just open your day planner one day, six months from now, and see masturbate. I'm like, huh? They are like, the cups are like, they're like the the size of a like the smallest Tupperware. But that is an extraordinary. There's no way to ejaculate into that and not have the ejaculate look and feel lonely.

You know what I mean? I mean, I guess you put some salad dressing in to fill it to the top. Like a what? Like a raspberry vinaigrette? Yeah. Nice Italian. Nice zesty Italian. Sure.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse. Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I have no idea. What's the difference between an actual conversation and a promo for our new show on Maximum Fun, Go Fact Yourself? Nobody has any idea. Go Fact Yourself, the game show with celebrity contestants, super smart experts, and answers to questions you've never even asked. Listen twice a month on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. And be in the audience for our tapings of Go Fact Yourself in downtown LA. It's free. Go to GoFactYourPod.com for more info.

We're having a very realistic conversation. Yes, we are. Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Josh, pink's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Josh Pink Bismuth. Now, Josh, by the time, when are you doing this show in Los Angeles? Tuesday the 12th.

Okay, so the day this is released will be your show in Los Angeles at the Virgil Theater. At the Virgil. Wonderful place to go see a comedy show. A lovely place. And then you're headed to San Francisco to do a show at Doc's Lab. I am. It's formerly the Purple Onion. Very excited. A lovely place. And then you're headed to San Francisco to do a show at Doc's Lab. I am. It's formerly the Purple Onion. Very excited.

A lovely place. Yeah. If it's anything like the, were you on the, were you there the time we did a Prank the Dean show at the Purple Onion and they kept running the ice machine? I was not, but sounds like a hoot. We didn't have microphones and they kept running the ice machine while we were. It was like a meta prank. Yeah, it is.

Prank the Dean. It's a beautiful, it was a beautiful spot. It's a beautiful spot to do a show. You'll have a great time. I'm sure a lot of San Franciscans are already buying their tickets to go see Josh Gondelman. I'm very excited about it. Is it a solo show? You're just doing three hours like Springsteen on Broadway?

I am doing three hours telling stories of my decades-long illustrious career in the music industry, playing a few of my classic tunes. You have a lot of humor, a lot of jokes about like dead steel towns, right? Yeah. And my – although I will say when I drive to New Jersey to visit my in-laws with my wife, we always play Thunder Road as we cross from New Jersey into New York. I mean you have to. You have to. It's very fun. But you got any other entertainers on this program?

I don't know who the other comedians are in San Francisco. We'll see. And then- Are you headed anywhere else? Are you on a national tour right now? I am. I'm going on quite a tour. I've been a few places in the Midwest and the Northeast, but coming up, I'm in Washington,

D.C. at the D.C. Draft House over New Year's. That's our nation's capital. That is our nation's capital. Do you think the president's going to come? I hope not. I kind of hope so. Yeah. I think he would enjoy it.

I have one joke about him. I feel like he'd be like, hey. Well, come on. Hey, give me a chance. No, no way. It's just me, Donnie from Queens. I'm going to Philly, Atlanta, Wilmington, North Carolina. I like that

characterization of the president. It's like Warner Brothers cartoon dumb guy. Oh, crackers. He kind of is just with a different voice. Like if he sounded like that, the things he said would track. Do you know what I mean? If he was like, nuclear, it's

such a big thing like if like if he had like a mike huckabee voice it was mike huckabee's voice on donald trump's words yeah it would it would just sound it would like settle down home aw shucks yeah hay in the mouth right yeah yeah it I mean, Huckabee's using all his on pointing out how ungodly homosexuals are. It's a little less folksy. Yeah. All right. So Washington, D.C., New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve.

What do you got planned for the ball drop? I'm going to tentatively drink a glass of champagne. That sounds nice. Yeah. And I'm going to hang out with my wife. You won't be on stage for the 3-2-1. I don't think so. Most places have the show end like a little bit before that and then do a champagne toast after.

Instead of having the comedian awkwardly be like, remember how I just said kind of glib, insincere things for an hour? Well, hey, let's all have a moment. Just get all have a moment. Just a picture. Good old Quentin. Silent night. If you get a chance to see our friend Josh Gondelman, you will not be disappointed that you went out to that show. Josh came out to Max Funcon East and mowed the house down.

I mean, just – people were coming up to me like, Josh Gondelman is my new favorite human being. Oh, thank you. I wish Josh Gondelman wasn't married. I'm thinking about breaking up his marriage. Like the amount of enthusiasm for Josh Gondelman and Max FunCon was off the charts. It was such a wonderful, lovely weekend. I had so much fun.

Yeah. So get out there and get your Gondel tickets. Thank you. So you can see Josh Gondelman. Josh Gondelman also on Twitter, at Josh Gondelman, where he will occasionally offer- Encouragement. Twitter pep talks and encouragement, which is a nice feature of Josh Gondelman. Thank you. Yeah.

I enjoy Twitter despite most of Twitter. Despite everything on it. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. And, yeah, all my tour dates are on my website, joshgondelman.com, which is – my last name is G-O-N-D-E-L man. Like Method Man but less cool. But with a gondel on the front.

I hear that with the new iPhones, you have to get a gondel in order to use regular headphones. That's true. Sure, yeah. You need – and they sell it to you separate. That's where they get you, on the gondols. They get you on those gondols, those eye gondols. Although, from what I've heard, you can just use coconut oil. A gondol is like a butt plug for your phone.

Yeah. Slide it right in. It helps with the friction. Okay, on the boards this week, Danny Baruela, our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com, on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris, where Jordan had the biggest smash hit tweet of his career this week. Oh, my God. Guys, it's a whirlwind.

Such a tweet. Oh, my goodness gracious. You've got to check out this week. Oh my god, guys, it's a whirlwind. Such a tweet. Oh my goodness gracious, you gotta check out this tweet about... I feel like it's 2008 when a popular tweet meant something. It's happy Honda days over there on Jordan's Twitter feed. Don't spoil the tweet for people who haven't

read it, Jesse. Pretty soon, we're gonna have a new best friend, the fat Jewish. Oh boy. Was the tweet just, if you think Donald Trump should be impeached, please retweet? Yes, it was. My least favorite genre of tweet. The Constitution is good.

Please retweet and share. You know, it was just the words this and thread, but not over anything. People are like, yes, but not over anything. People are like, yes, this. Thread. Yeah. When I say this, you say thread. No, guys. It was Commander-in-Chief, more like Commander-in-Tweet.

I've never seen this guy's Twitter thread. He loves to tweet. Talk about the show at MaximumFun.Reddit.com and in the MaxFun Facebook group. There's also a local MaxFun Facebook group for pretty much no matter where you live. You'll find some nice folks who are getting together for a bowling night or what have you. You know, or maybe a little lady to ladies coming to town. Yeah, we can't regulate those. So don't blame us for what goes on.

I'm not looking at them. That is the sole province of Warren G. He's only in charge of the one for the Lower East Side of the LB. Right, he can't believe what's happening in his hometown on the Maximum Fun Boards. We'll see you at SF Sketch Fest in January with Andy Richter. Yes. Just booked. Bionics.

Whoa. Yeah, Bionics are going to be there. Superstar hip-hop salsa band. Cool. Yeah, it's going to be dope. It's going to be quite the extravaganza out there in San Francisco that Friday night. And that's it. Okay.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported