Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 511: Bunny Shy with Elizabeth Laime

Episode Date: December 19, 2017

Jordan and Jesse set aside their longstanding topic of Colonial California for a lovely chat with celebrity podcaster Elizabeth Laime about the sexuality of a cat puppet singing "Santa Baby," the variable pricing of christmas trees depending on your Christmas spirit, and Elizabeth's son's terrifying brush with ant poison.  Plus, Jordan pitches a new target for corrections.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, top to bottom, we cover the world of colonial California. The Spanish era from Junipero Serra to the Arroyo to the Pueblo. When the swallows come back

to Capistrano. Of course, we sing that at the top of every show. I don't need to tell our loyal listeners that we do that at the beginning of every program, but here's my idea, Jordan. Yeah.

This week, we were going to talk about the relative benefits of agriculture to the native peoples of California, such as the Miwoks. On the one hand, well, sure, agriculture is- Oh, by the way, this is our first podcast to be labeled explicit, by the way, on iTunes. Right. So just if you got any kids, kids that I own, a lot of families like to listen, but this one's going to get a little blue. Okay. So obviously agriculture

is an incredibly efficient way to generate food, and that's something that... And corn is great to shove up your butt. Sorry. I warned you. I warned you. That's where we're going.

I'm uncomfortable with this. Yeah? I don't want. That's where we're going. I'm uncomfortable with this. Yeah? I don't want to talk. If we're going to talk about important things, like whether obliterating native cultures was worthwhile, I don't want to talk about corn up the butt. Jury's still out. Okay. I don't want to talk about corn up the butt. Well, I mean, we're not going to.

Okay. I do have an idea for you. Okay. If you want to talk about corn up the butt. Okay. I do have an idea for you. Okay. If you want to talk about corn up the butt, maybe instead of doing a show... That's why they call it the corn hole. Instead of doing a show about California and the Spanish influence

this year, Adobe and so forth, maybe we push olives to the side. Okay. Olives in their groves. And this week, we just bring on a celebrity podcaster and shoot the breeze for an hour or so. It sounds like a lot of fun.

I will have to insist that at the top of every segment, we sing our signature theme song. When the swallows come back to Capistrano. Yeah. Okay. I'm down. Okay. Great.

Is that second time we sang it count for the next segment? No, we got to keep doing it. Got it. We have to. Well, our guest on this week's Jordan Jesse Go, Here to help us shoot the breeze is a beloved past Jordan and Jesse Go guest, a talented podcaster in her own right, an award-winning podcaster, I'd imagine, at some point.

Seems likely. Yeah, people always give it out awards for this shit. She's been in the game. Yeah. For a minute. She is the host of Totally Married, Totally Lame, Totally Mommy, some of which are coming back, some of which are leaving. It's like the tides over here. Elizabeth Lame.

Thank you for having me, you guys. I'm so excited. Yeah. Have you ever thought about going by Lizzy Lame? Well, I have one friend who calls me Lizzy Lame. And it's very endearing from that one friend. Right. And then it's killed it for everyone else.

Got it. But I did want to tell you guys that, I don't know if you knew this, but when you put something up your butt, there is actually a vacuum effect in your anus. Yes. Thank you for using the Spanish pronunciation, by the way. Well, I heard that we were talking about Adobe and whatnot. Yes. Thank you for using the Spanish pronunciation, by the way. Well, I heard that we were talking about Adobe and whatnot.

Sure. And that is why you want to be careful to put something where you have some traction to bring it back out again. Right. Because it can get sucked up in there. What do we always say, Jordan? Without a base, without a trace. You got it, buddy. Happy Analogist from Jordan Jesse Goh and Elizabeth Lane.

And totally lame. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I imagine if you're, I mean, I know we were banding our topic of agriculture. Right. But if you- I, by the way, I don't mean to be blue, but since you said, I have four olives in my butt right now. Okay.

Those are hard to get out. Well, they're vacuumed right up there, you know? What can I do? Yeah, that's what I'm going to say. I mean, if you're not careful, you're putting in a corn husk, you're pulling out a bear cob. Too green, too black. I wonder what, I mean, I feel like there is some good territory

in the Venn diagram where butthole inserts meets agriculture. There's a pretty beefy area. A beefy, sensitive area. Yeah, if it's too beefy, I think that's going to cause a problem. You're going to go in trouble. Yeah.

Guys, we're having a lot of fun. We are. Jesse, before the mics came on and the magic started, you were telling us that you recently took the kids to a holiday-themed puppet show. Yeah, there is a marionette theater, the Bob Baker Marionette Theater here in Los Angeles, that has been in operation for more than 50 years. It is in a theater, which is actually just a kind of medium-sized warehouse building underneath a freeway, is how I would characterize it, that needed to be saved recently. Almost closed, but they saved it. There was a picture of our friend Janet Varney on the wall, so she had something to do with it. Good.

I don't know why. She really puts her interests where it counts. She's got her corn cobs and a lot of buttholes, as they say. Wait, hold on. Guy says, Janet Varney been a puppet this whole time? I mean, we've done shows with her. I mean, I've socialized with her. Hey, don't ask me.

Not one-on-one, but like at parties. Ask Vladimir Putin. Oh, the puppet master himself. Exactly. It's not enough that he's controlling our government with his strings. He's got his strings on America's sweetheart. On the stars of

Stand Against Evil. Yeah. Not to mention the legend of Korra. Yeah. Is that what it's called? Also one of the co-hosts of San Francisco Sketch Fest. Not to mention Dinner in a Movie on TBS. Not to mention the TV Club

with Janet Varney. Oh, I just had a thought about that. Occasionally, you're the worst on FXX. So, these are basically all productions

of the Kremlin now. Yeah. Might as well put them on RT after Larry King. What's that? That's Russia Today? Oh, that's right.

Yeah, Larry King does have that Russian show now. Does he? Yeah, well, you know, they gave him a show, you know. I mean, I thought briefly of negatively judging Larry King for hosting a show on behalf of the Russian government. Did you? But then I thought, I don't know, when I'm 83 and I'm chugging down that human growth hormone. Sure. He's so old

he'll hook in my thumbs into my suspenders i'll take whatever television show i can get it's adorable for him yeah it is weird that every episode he interviews steven seagal russia's other favorite celebrity i mean what other action star knows as much about the crimea and has his own energy drink you got it so I did go to this marionette show. I actually saw past guest, past Jordan Jesse Go guest Rob Kuttner there. Oh, cool. With his beautiful children. And it is an odd event because I'll tell you why.

Because, I'll tell you why. It is, theater has existed for 50 years, and I do not believe they have changed the shows. So, I have only seen this holiday show. I saw it once a couple of years ago, and once this year. It was identical. And it is basically they have these puppets that all look more 1967 than like a Richard Nixon campaign poster. Like the most – like somehow they're more 1967 than It's a Small World or whatever. Like the most profoundly like big eye painting. There's been no updates.

Yeah. None. And they perform not with live actors. They have live puppeteers to a pre-recorded soundtrack. And the pre-recorded soundtrack was clearly recorded with, like, before the era where everyone got their own microphone. Like, it's just everyone crowded around a microphone in one of those things that cuts a record, one of those booths that cuts a record like Elvis used to cut his first demo. And then they just put that on the old Victrola and

crank it up. So, yeah. So, I mean, I guess probably at this point, I'm sure this crossed your mind. But, I mean, the people who recorded it are surely dead. Yeah. So, you're listening to ghosts. I'm unconvinced that the puppets were ever alive. Yeah. Well, Jesse. Yeah.

I hate to break this news to you, but the puppets were crafted. They were never alive. Got it. They were not human. But I will say... One of them sure seemed like a real boy to me. We also saw that show recently at a three-year-old's birthday party.

So it travels. You could, like, if you wanted this show to come to your... Oh, yeah, if you cough up the bucks. Listen, they're trying to keep the theater going. Puppets gotta eat. A puppet... well, again, I'm sorry to tell you,

the puppets are not human, they're not alive, but there is a stink of death around the whole thing. I mean... But we found it very enjoyable, although, as I was saying before, some of the lyrics that were written in the 50s?

I think the one that we saw was 1967. They said it was its 50th year. Okay. Well, there was a lot of, like, kind of a, for lack of a better word, I'm just going to say it because she was made in the 60s. Like a slutty duck being like, oh, how can I get a man if I can't even keep a man? How am I going to see that corkscrew penis? It's a duck, right? Yes.

Ducks have corkscrew penises, don't they? Yeah, they do. Okay. Just checking in to make sure that remark was valid. There was in my show, there was not a ton of adultish material. There was Santa Baby as performed by, I'm going to pink sexy cat in heels that sat on a lot of laps of dads in the house. Oh, yeah. That would be great if the cat puppets sat on their lap and then like got their wallets. Yeah. That would be great if the cat puppets sat on their lap and then, like, got their wallets.

Yeah. And, I mean, I want to be clear. Like, the song Santa Baby, it has come a long way and lasted a long time on the merit of a charming performance by Eartha Kitt. Mm-hmm. by Eartha Kitt and a catchy tune with some cute little matchy rhymes that catch you by surprise. Those kind of little rhymes there. That's all great. But just in and of itself, it stands probably alongside Baby It's Cold Outside in the 2017.

In the Rappé Arena. You guys notice that song Baby It's Cold Outside is a little diehardy? I actually. I'm weird. I think about weird stuff. Sorry. No, I researched like where, how that was born. born, what happened, what is the deal with that. Because I wrote a police transcript of the rape report from Baby It's Cold Outside to submit to places. No one took it.

To like comedy publications? Like Shouts and Murmurs and Mc you know like sweeneys i guess it's trodden territory but yet it still plays year after year um but it was originally like created by this couple who would go around to christmas parties and play by the piano and it makes me wonder what was going on with that couple. So, I mean, maybe like obviously like you're listening to it from the outside and you're just, you know, you see this story laid out before you. And obviously it's horrifying. But, I mean, maybe this couple, this was a consensual negotiated thing. This was their, you know, their lovemaking prelude.

Yeah. How come you're not GGG, Elizabeth? That makes all sorts of sense to me now that you put it in that way. Why was the husband the only one wearing latex? That is a great question. It was because it's easier to play the piano with his job if you're all squeaky tight. I thought you were poking holes in their latex. If you're squeaky tight, you can...

Well, I guess that's probably what it was. It was some sort of fantasy play. Sure, yeah. A situation between this very progressive couple, and they never intended for it to be read the way it is. Her character is actually a police officer. Did you know that? Jesse!

And his character is a Nazi. Oh, boy. It's a police officer. Did you know that? Jesse. And his character is a Nazi. Oh, boy. It's a whole thing. What's going on in your marriage? It's pre-negotiated. A lot of police Nazi role play. I guess so. Pre-negotiated thing.

The holiday show at the Bob Baker Marionette Theater is hosted by, and I think we maybe, you saw, you probably saw the traveling cast. I think I did. I saw the original cast. They were all 86 years old. This is no Lin-Manuel Miranda. I'll tell you that. They were wonderful.

You had to settle for Josh Gad. Yeah, actually, you know what? My show had Daveed Diggs in it, so that was nice. He's really got a nice set of pipes. He's good in everything. The whole show, first of all, it's incoherent. Well, can I just real quick, before we go on, I have a question about the duck and the

cat. Yeah. These are both meant to be sexy. Yes. Do they have boobs? Oh, yeah. The duck has boobs. The duck has, I mean, I guess there's a duck breast.

Breast, sure. But it has human breasts? So if I'm recalling, she had this very, like, strange hat with flowers coming out of it that made her seem like Kathy-esque. Oh, sure. Quack. Quack, which might explain. It's swimsuit season. Oh, sure. Quack. Quack.

Which might explain. It's swimsuit season. Yeah, she can't get a man. Yeah. Can't get a man. Yeah, mine had. How am I supposed to stay away from carbs if you're always throwing bread at me? Quack.

Mine had on like. Hold on, I have a comic strip to write. Those kind of super high heels that have a little puff of feathers on the vamp. You know what I'm talking about? Like you would wear in the boudoir. And in 1962. And it also had like a sequined neckline that suggested sensuality without actually representing boobery. But it did have hips and a butt.

And she was giving lap dances, let's not forget. Yeah, sure. She was giving actual lap dances. Although, I mean, you know, I will say, to its credit, I did not find it sexy. It did not arouse me. Hey, Jesse, sorry, but I personally believe that real cats have curves. Okay. Sorry if you thought this woman with her-

Meow. Voluptuous hips wasn't up to your standards or what do you read about in your fashion magazines. Right. But I personally happen to like real cats. Yeah. Hashtag- Strong cats. Campaign for real beauty.

Yes. Anyway. Buy our soap. Dove soap. Campaign for real beauty. Yes. Anyway, buy our soap. Dove soap? I don't know. Yeah. I, I, uh, dove soap. I don't know. I was more confused and upset, frankly, even, you know, there's a few things that are just like, you know,

Sandy Claus comes out and Mrs. Claus sings a song and there's a few, you know, there's a few kind of like things that everybody you'd expect, right? There's this one kind of rabbi-ish character that sings a Hanukkah song. Oh, that's nice. I was looking at it and thinking, is this anti-Semitic? Not

quite, but certainly they have to have given it a few thoughts at different points along the line. Right. Like at some point, Steven Spielberg came to see the show and they were like, should we bring this out? Okay, we're going to do it. I think what they have changed is they've removed the fact that the opening of the show where the rabbi crawls out of a volcano.

But that was a little much. I thought that was a little much. The main kind of hosts of the show, and this is true, I think, for almost any kind of children's holiday show you see, whether it's a holiday children's show at a school or, in this case, a puppet show or a television special or whatever, they're always hosted by these two stock characters, of course, the dancing star and the wizard. Sure, it goes back to Joseph Campbell. Yeah. The hero with a hundred faces.

A thousand faces? I feel like their costumes got stained or something. They were like, well, we're going to have to use the Harry Potter stuff. Break out the emergency Harry Potter. So, Elizabeth,

you saw this in the context of a kid's birthday party. Did the kids sit still for this? Or is this something that like a modern – They did because they were all on our laps. But they were terrified. Almost all the kids were scared. And the puppets would come up to them and they were like – made a big deal like the kids cannot touch the puppets.

The puppets are very dirty. They're very dirty. They've been engaged in sexual acts all across. They sit on a lot of dads' laps. Sitting on it. But they kept begging the children. They kept bringing the puppets up, touching the children. So it was a very confusing.

That seemed like a mixed message. Mixed message. But, you know, it still was very enjoyable. And it was like kind of this novelty novelty fun thing at a birthday party. But I do feel like some updating is. Sure. I think training also. Like there's an element of like a 50th generation photocopy to the show.

Like I would like to see at least Knott's Berry Farm performer levels of professionalism at a famous marionette show. I just was genuinely unimpressed by the extent to which the mouths open and closed in time with the lines. Oh, my gosh. I thought that, too. And then I was having fantasies about how I would do it. So I think that what we've decided here today is we're opening a new marionette company. Hold on. To really bury this other one that's apparently going through hard times.

We're taking it. First, I don't want to crush Janet Varney's dream. Why don't we just offer ourselves as available for punch-up? Okay. In both choreography and script. We'll record. We'll do some looping if necessary on that static soundtrack. A hundred percent.

You know, just like any time the characters turn their back, we just throw in a joke. Or, you know, a progressive idea. Yeah. Like, hey, let's all value our single mothers. Like, I mean, it doesn't really have to be in line with what's going on. They're kids. They don't really know what's going on. A 64 convertible.

I work very hard. Domestic work is important too. Like that? That was very good. Thank you. I love it. Thank you very much. Put a ladder under the tree.

Sex workers should have agency. I like this. It was like the kids loved it. To their credit, the kids loved it. But, I mean, they love a lot of things. Yeah. You know? Kids notoriously have terrible taste.

I'm just going to say it. Sure. My daughter, the stuff. She loves Suicide Squad. I thought you were going to end that suicide. I was like, wow. Yeah. Really crazy.

Sorry, we're a little twisted on this show. Sorry if you can't handle our twisted sense of humor. If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, baby. Oh, okay. It's me, Wolf and Jack, joking about suicide. I feel like you guys actually are very in line with the marionette theater. Yeah.

Wait, sorry, what is your daughter? You were about to say your daughter likes something. Oh, I'm constantly being an asshole. And, like, she's picking out the thing that i'm like you know i want to be the princess who loses her voice in order to have a prince come save her type oh sure sure sure she ended up being an astronaut so okay all right all right yeah mommy wins but um yeah she has bad taste. Can I ask the two childed people in the room, what other kinds of holiday activities are you doing with the kids? Are you going to see Santa?

Are you ice skating? Are you tobogganing? Chestnuts? So last year we had Christmas at our cabin, which in the mountains is a beautiful wooded environment. It's perfect for Christmas. This year my daughter was really insistent she wanted to have Christmas at home. But we had left all of the Christmas stuff at the cabin. Where's your cabin?

And we have no trips planned until after Christmas. It's in Sequoia National Forest, so it's about four hours away from here. Yeah, that's not a hop skip. Yeah, it was not worth it to go. So we were sort of putting off Christmas stuff. It's also just like... Your kids still think it's March, right? Yeah.

You're just leaving up the calendar. You're like, well, happy March, everybody. Writing new numbers underneath and crossing them out. It's like when you – at the point where there is a baby and two other children and it's like you just don't want to try to do anything at all. You don't want any. You're just all you want is for no one to be hurt that day. That's it. That's just like if no one is hurt, that is great.

And or if you can go get groceries, that's awesome because you only have to bring one kid with you. Oh, my gosh. Isn't one kid. Well, I don't know. I can't fathom three. And I I'm getting a vasectomy for Christmas. Going anywhere with just one feels like you were the most free person in the entire universe. feels like you were the most free person in the entire universe. Speaking of not getting hurt, I have a quick aside about what happened to us yesterday. My just-turned-two-year-old was hanging out, and we're just at the point where we can kind of take our eyes off him for two seconds. And we look over, and he's playing.

We had one of those liquid ant traps. Oh, yeah. He's playing with it. The liquid's all over him. Sure. I'm like, oh, shit. The ant poison. The ant poison. Oh, yeah. He's playing with it. The liquid's all over him. Sure. I'm like, oh, shit. The ant poison.

The ant poison. Okay, yeah, yeah. The liquid, yes. Yeah. I pick him up. I, like, rush him to the sink. I'm washing it off of him. But he has definitely gotten it all over himself. And I was like, Andy, you better call poison control just in case.

And so we call poison control. And we kind of think, think like we're just being super proactive and you know precautionary and they're like oh he could go blind um you need to immediately flush his eyes out for 20 minutes straight with running water oh boy so just hold the child under the sink shower thatower? That was their suggestion. I mean, we tried the sink. We tried the shower. We were fucking panicking.

And then my three-year-old's like, what's going on? And the whole time asking us questions. And I'm just like, ah. Finally. I'm going to go play with the snail bait. No, don't. No. Yes, go find something that's not sharp.

But ultimately, we used like a dropper. but we waterboarded our kid for 20. It was hell. And it was the one moment, I mean, one of many I've had, but a tougher moment where I was like, I don't think I am equipped to be a parent. I don't think I got it in me. Because the kid doesn't know what's going on. He just thinks he's getting like a face bath, right? Oh, he was so traumatized. Yeah.

Yeah, it was horrifying. It was horrible. But we did it. So we got a Christmas tree today. Still on that March schedule. Yeah. And the only reason we got a Christmas tree is because my

car was having problems so I had to take it to get fixed and while I was waiting for it to get fixed I wandered into a thrift store and bought a Christmas tree stand that was like my Christmas gift to my wife who loves Christmas I was like I bought this Christmas tree stand

symbolizing that we will have a Christmas tree, despite the fact that whatever. And I bought a few boxes at the thrift store of just plain globe ornaments just so we'd have some decoration for the tree. We got the Christmas tree into the house.

It was a nightmare getting it into this horrible stand. All Christmas tree stands are horrible, by the way. But it was a nightmare getting it into this stand stand. All Christmas tree stands are horrible, by the way. But it was a nightmare getting it into this stand. First of all, three is not enough screws. It needs four or more screws. Now, I have not had a Christmas tree in years. Since you converted.

Since I converted. We should explain. Thank you. He's Zoroastrian. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. That's new. That's new to me.

What is that? You know, I don't know. I think it involves an eternal flame. Probably. It's like Scientology, but chiller. It's like a more chill Scientology. I feel like the not chill thing is exactly what Scientology is, so I don't really. Yeah. Well.

It's mostly a lot of hanging out on a boat. I can get behind that. It's the boat. It's the's mostly a lot of hanging out on a boat. I can get behind that. It's the boat. It's the nautical parts of Scientology. Got it. Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Sure. Did you become a Zoroastrian or a Parrothead?

Right. I mean, Zoroastrian, the one who follows Jimmy Buffett around. No, that's a Parrothead, Jordan. That is a Parrothead. Oh, yeah. That's what I am. Oh, okay. Well, it's five o', Jordan. That is a parrot head. Oh, yeah, that's what I am. Oh, okay. Well, it's five o'clock somewhere.

So I just hang up the Christmas hammock. Right. And I put on the traditional shirt featuring a lazy iguana. My vestments. Right. Are your sandals on the boat? Your flip-flops? Yeah, my sandals are on the boat.

The rules of being a parrot head are you should have at least one hammock in your home. And at all times, you should be wearing at least one item of clothing that depicts a hammock. Right, exactly. So hammock in the house, hammock on the man. That's what they say in our traditional text. Cheeseburger in paradise. And then, of course, I go down to Key West and I get the traditional penis sunburn.

Right. I lay out. Owie. Dick. Right. Dick in the sun. Get that traditional sunburn. Closer to God.

Right. Yes. When your dick's out, it's closer to God. What was I going to say? What were we talking about? You got a Christmas tree or you were having? Oh, so I have not had a, so yeah, had – so yeah, I mean like we had Christmas trees growing up. But since I've been not living with my parents –

Since you became ready to mingle. Yeah. Right, exactly. I have not got a Christmas tree. So I have – I assumed Christmas tree stand technology had evolved. Now here's the thing. I tried to buy. I'm like, this is my chance.

And I think Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners, certainly Judge John Hodgman listeners know that I will buy anything that the websites The Wirecutter and The Sweet Home recommend to me. These websites are all I care about in the world. Tell me what toaster oven to buy. Please, I'll buy it. My life will become better. I looked up what's the Christmas tree stand I should get from The wire cutter, the sweet home, I guess it must have been. And I'm like, I'm going to make my life 20 times better because I have a dumb Christmas tree stand that's up at the cabin that I've had for, you know, since I became an adult and had to get my own. Red base, green legs, three screws.

You got it. The traditional Christmas tree stand. And it stinks. And so I looked up what kind it is. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to spend the money once, and the rest of my life I'll have the best Christmas stand in the world, and I'll be so happy about it. No. Sold out, baby.

Sold out. So it does exist. There is one. There is a best one, and I can't have it. I think we have it. It's pretty great. How does it work? How is it different than your traditional red base, green legs, three screws?

There's no screws. Oh, boy. Well, already it's an improvement. Is that what you're looking at? It's a spike. Wow, cool. So you just fucking... Spike it a bit.

Impale it. Yeah. And it stands. Yeah. Yeah. That's outrageous. That's amazing. So you just impale it on a spike.

Yeah. And so we take our stand. That makes a lot of sense. This year, though, there was a tree shortage. Oh, no. So you might have noticed your trees were hiked up. And the lot we went to this year did not have prices on any of the trees. So I think they just sized you up when you walked in.

Yeah. And I'm happy to report they really thought we were rolling or something. Yeah. I mean, we got hosed, but the feeling it gave us was quite nice. Yeah, I go to the YMCA lot and support my local YMCA. Sure. And yeah, I did not see a tree for less than $80. Oh my gosh.

How much was yours? Now they charged me $60 for some reason. I think they... Okay, well now we're getting somewhere. They looked at me, they got a real kind of Roseanne vibe. The television character. I mean, maybe it's a situation where what they're scanning for is Christmas spirit. They're like, if this person is jolly.

Yeah, he was at Mercy Sale. If this person has the jingle. Then pump up the price. Because we know they need this. They need this. And they looked at me. The one word came to their mind. Jewish.

One's a little Jew-y. Yeah. We bought this tree. We put it up. Immediately, the first thing that my daughter Grace did, she ran over, got one of the globes that I had bought at the thrift store, brought it over. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You need to put a hook on it. It doesn't have a hook on it.

She's trying to force the branch through the loop. I'm like, we need to have it. She's like, what's going on? You can't force the branch through the loop. We're already, my wife and I are both a little bit crazy at that point because we have been working to get the tree to stand up for 15 minutes. Immediately, Grace drops it on the floor. It splatters into a thousand deadly pieces.

Then both dogs come to investigate. It was like, there couldn't be... The other kids gotten into the ant traps. It was a completely insane nightmare. The only comfort that I had was that I had learned actually at the show, my daughter has a friend named Tiny Bot. Tiny Bot is made out of paper.

It's a tiny robot. Okay. She lives with us. Oh. Along with all of her friends and relations. Okay. There's, I was told, Grace confirmed to me today, Googleplex bots. Whoa.

How old is Grace? She's six. Okay. Yeah, it's a little weird. The robot age. I had imaginary friends and stuff. That's why I was asking. Yeah, so she will occasionally talk to Tiny Bot.

Well, who were your imaginary friends? Well, this is embarrassing. And I finally pieced together where this came from. It was two men named Jordan and Jesse. I hesitate to tell you guys this. Yeah. It was a little person who had a British accent and wore a tuxedo. It was Warwick Davisis at the oscars his name was money which was endlessly humiliating for my

parents i am sure yeah um and he had a whole family his wife's name was penny that's cute daughters nickel and dime really yeah that's you you had a strong sense of theme even as a child yeah but anyway yeah it's no Tiny Bot, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, so anyway, at the show, I learned that Tiny Bot's favorite holiday

is Hanukkah because she and her family are Jewish. Oh. So nice of you guys to take in those wayward robotic Jews. Wow.

Gotta watch out for Robot Hitler, buddy. Sure, yeah. I played Wolfenstein. Yeah, so that was a nice little kind of holiday surprise for me. Do either of you celebrate Hanukkah? No Hanukkah in my house. No, uh-uh.

Cool. My wife loves latkes, though. Cool. If anybody is doing any holiday entertaining around Hanukkah that might have latkes involved, please invite my wife. She will be fucking thrilled. Oh, that's good to know. Yeah. And my daughter likes gambling.

So both of those. Perfect. Chocolate-based gambling is her favorite interest. And then my wife likes the latkes. Nobody's going to Santa at the mall, huh? Oh, we did go see Santa. How does that go? Is that safe territory for you?

Meaning? Do your children freak out? Oh, we did go see Santa. How does that go? Is that safe territory for you? Meaning... Do your children freak out? Oh, yeah. I mean, we don't do the, like, you have to sit on his lap. We're not really into the, like, ha-ha, she's crying. She's crying. That seems to be a thing right now. You know, they just go stand in front of him and smile if they want to.

Usually they don't. But here's the thing. It is a thing to do that kills time. Sure. And teaches consumerism, too. Exactly. You don't want to raise a bunch of little Bolsheviks, Jordan. We take them at the zoo sometimes.

Oh, that's fun. Last year, I think it was the last year, my children kind of put their feet down. You're 10 months old? Yeah, especially who at the time was negative two months old. Oh, wow. It was sort of like, this is not the real Santa. Who's the real one? Not clear.

Okay. We're not, we're a very, this is a very fraught issue in my family because neither Teresa nor I particularly want to be involved in tricking our children. But also neither of us can bring ourselves to fully commit to there is no Santa Claus. Yeah. So we kind of like try and hint at it. Hoping they'll get it. Yeah, and these children are, you know. But you guys do do Krampus though, right? Oh, yeah, for sure.

You do throw your children in sacks and beat them with reeds. Well, I mean, it depends on how good they've been, but yeah, sure. I've never heard of that holiday tradition. It is a Teutonic tradition. Okay. I could be wrong about this. I don't really want to hear from Krampus nerds. Northern European?

Maybe. No, Teutonic. I'm going with Teutonic. If you have any, listen, if you have any corrections, and actually I want to start because I have a new corrections target. At Chris Kringle. Here, do you guys, do you know when you- How about this?

At Chris Kimble, editor of Cooks Illustrated. Yeah. Elizabeth, for your benefit, we don't like being corrected. So we like to kind of put out a Twitter account for people who feel like they need to correct something we've said. Oh, so at Chris Kimble. Well, here's what I think. Do you guys know? And it's been a little... We've politicized it in the past.

We've been, you know, aiming it at representatives. It was Ted Cruz for a while. I already know what you're going to say. Martin Yan from Yan Can Cook. Here's what I've thinking. And let me know. I mean, I'm happy to let Yan have it. Okay.

But do you guys know when you get gas, there's a screen on the gas pump and it shows things. The sports highlights. Sure. Entertainment news. Things like that. Awkwardly edited clips from something. Yeah, right. Just like a thing from Big Bang Theory that doesn't make sense.

That is run by a company called Gas Station TV. They're on Twitter, at Gas Station TV. That's wonderful. I say if you have any corrections, aim them right there at Gas Station TV. Can I suggest something for people to start with? Please. Here's an example

tweet you could send. At Gas Station TV. Chris Kimball isn't the editor of Cook's cooks illustrated anymore. He got fired and went and started his own thing and he's locked in a legal dispute with the folks at cooks illustrated right now. Here's another one. Hey, at gas station TV.

Yeah. Can't cook. We'll be back in just a second. Okay. What? We're going to talk about Krampus I should just say what Krampus is And then we can go

Krampus is a Christmas monster Who is a goat man A goat A goat devil A goat man And I think he is Santa's dark twin He is Santa's other So if you're good

Santa's coming Presents. He is Santa's other. Yeah. So if you're good, Santa's coming, presents, oranges, whatever. Mm-hmm. If you're bad, Krampus comes, the goat man. He puts you in a sack and he beats that sack with reeds. Right. And so you know he is a Christmas monster specifically because he's in the movie Die Hard. Thank you. Yes.

Oh. Suck it, Yen. Suck it, Yen. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, yes. Oh. Suck it, Yen! Suck it, Yen! We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go! It's Jordan, Jesse, Go! I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lame.

We've got sponsors on this week's program. Of course, every week we're brought to you by folks just like you who listen to these shows and go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Thank you. We're also supported this week by our friends at what apron? Blue Apron. The best. Let me at them cakes. Have you cooked anything from Blue Apron lately?

Boy, I sure do like cooking with Blue Apron. It's really fun. Boy, my work schedule has been a real kick in the ass lately, Jesse. Wow. And I don't have- Square in the old tushy, huh? Right in the patoot. Uh-huh.

And I don't have time to go to the grocery store and get fresh ingredients. No. But it's so nice when you are working them long hours to come home and you have a nice blue apron box full of fresh food. It's easy to prepare. It's got the instructions laid out for you

and it's always delicious. Under 45 minutes, dinner is on the table. Yes, absolutely. Whether it's just you or whether you've got company. Sure. I mean, you're ready to mingle.

Yeah, that's right. Or jingle. Everybody knows that. And I'm also ready to put half of it in the fridge for later. Blue Apron is treating Jordan and Jesse Go listeners to their first three meals. That's a $30

value with your first order. If you visit blueapron.com slash JJ Go. So check out this week's menu. Get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash JJ Go. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Let me at them cakes.

Let me at them cakes. We are also headed to the San Francisco Sketch Fest. That's right we are. That's right. Jordan, Jesse, go is Friday, January 12th at 10.30 p.m. at the Gateway Theater. Tickets are on sale now. Go to bit.ly slash jjgosf18

or just follow the link on the homepage at maximumfun.org. I am very excited about this because we will be joined by the great Andy Richter. Yes. Not to mention the red hot band Bayonix. Not to mention our close friend and yours, Alison Rosen. That's right.

This is going to be a delightful program. Some of our favorites. Will I pander? Yes, I will pander. I'm already planning out all the pandering I'll be doing. Hey, more Sketch Fest shows if you want to see us. Yeah. Judge John Hodgman is opening night at the Castro Theater, the legendary Castro Theater in San Francisco.

That's Thursday the 11th at 8 p.m. And you're doing the Obsessed show. Yes, I will be doing Cats vs. Dogs, a lively discussion led by our buddy Joseph Scrimshaw, who does the Obsessed podcast. That's Saturday, January 13th, 8 p.m. at the Piano Fight main stage. Fifteen bucks. That sounds like a good time. It's going to bestage, $15. That sounds like a good time. It's going to be a blast. Jordan, it sounds like a good time to me.

Yes, everyone will have a good time if they come to these events. You can buy the tickets at sfsketchfest.com or just go to maximumfun.org. They're all in the tour bar on the right-hand side. If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area and you don't come see these shows, what are you doing with your life? Yeah, apparently you don't live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but you live in Chump City. Yeah, Chump City, USA. Actually, my daughter Grace recently informed me. She is queen of everything.

And the world is now called Graciopolis. Oh. Just so you know. Well. She just let me know. So Chump City is orbiting that yeah one presumes so

it's kind of a satellite or a moon yeah we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go it's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Elizabeth Lame, sexy cat in the Bob Baker marionette show. When the swallows come back to Capistrano. Okay. Back to Capistrano. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN. Now, why would you do that? You do it because you want to contribute to our segment, Momentous Occasions.

It's one of the most beloved recurring segments. Every week on the show now, usually, are these about olive farming. Yes. Yes, they are are these about olive farming? Yes. Yes, they are. Pressing it into oil. Eating them as is. Pickling them. Pits. What to do with? Yeah. Spit them out or swallow them and grow an olive tree in your tum-tum. As long as

you don't put them up your hoo-ha. Yeah. Keep them away from that hoo-ha. Without a base, without a tree. Mm-hmm. Yeah, keep them away from that. Hoo-ha! Without a base, without a tree. Mm-hmm. Let's take a break.

Hey, guys. This is Dave from Pennsylvania calling in a preventive occasion. I just pulled up and stopped at a stoplight. I looked in my rearview mirror, and the woman pulling up in the car behind me, as she rolls to a stop, reaches down on the passenger seat, pulls up a small white and brown spotted bunny, kisses it a couple times on the head, faces it forward,

and puts its paws on the steering wheel to mock it driving the car all the while the bunny is looking up at her, licking her on the chin. Then she nuzzles the bunny under her chin for a few seconds and puts it back on the passenger seat just as nuzzled the bunny under her chin for a few seconds and puts it back on the passenger seat just as the light turns green again. And it was one of the most cute things I've ever seen in my life. Okay, thanks.

Bye. So fucking ballin'. Yeah, that's really good. That is really good. That is just living. I was really afraid it was going to be a thing where it's going to be. She's at the red light. She's kissing the bunny, putting its paws on the steering wheel, letting it drive.

Bunny's licking her. She's nuzzling it. Light turns green. Bunny goes out the window. Oh, no. How jaded. Yeah. I mean, that's just sorry, but I'm a little twisted. I'm a little twisted. Bunny goes out the window, baby.

Wow. I'm a little twisted. Bunny goes out the window, baby. Wow. I would trade my whole family to do that one time. That's how I feel. That seems doable. Bunnies are easily gettable. You can make that dream come true so easily. That can happen, man. I would love...

That can happen, man. I would love... There's two bunnies that live at my son's preschool. Okay, we've already got step one. Yeah. Steal the bunnies in a hilarious heist. They're in a little yard, and one time I was looking at them, and I climbed over the fence. It's a one-step climb. It's not like a Spider-Man.

You didn't have to scale anything. It's not like breaking into the basketball courts after school was closed or something. I stepped over the fence and I went and I picked up one of the bunnies and patted it. And my wife scolded me. She said, you can't just climb into the bunny area and pick up the bunnies if you want to pick them up.

And now I'm bunny shy. I can't just climb into the bunny area and pick up the bunnies if you want to pick them up. And now I'm bunny shy. You're like, I can't just pick up any bunny. My wife in general doesn't think I should just pet strange animals, but it's all I want in the world. Their mothers will take them back. That's a good point. They smell like humans. I think that you've done far harder things in your life. Yeah.

You could definitely go snatch one of those buns. I built an independent media empire. I can snatch a few buns. Am I right? Yeah. Absolutely. As Charlie Rose once said. Consensually snatch the buns.

Right. Can I tell a momentous moment I just remembered from last week? I wish you would. Driving to work. I see there has been a fender bender on the freeway. And it's an electric orange small car and an electric blue small car. And it's a man and a woman. And they are laughing.

And I'm like, I think I just saw the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Very excited. One of them was Zach Braff. The other was Natalie Portman. Perfect. Yeah. He was hard as a rock. She was wet as a river.

Oh. Yeah. I mean, Jesse, it seems like if this is your big, you know, your big life's dream is to pet a bunny while driving. I mean, that's doable. Here's the thing about getting a bunny. I mean, that's doable. Here's the thing about getting a bunny. My dog Coco is a terrier mix, and I love her more than, I'll admit it, any member of my family.

You keep throwing your family out pretty quick. It's a short list of things that I love more than, like I don't love my dog Sissy more than I love my children. Oh, well, okay. Sorry, Sissy. I love you, Sissy, if you're listening. You're no Coco. And surprise me by being able to speak English. The way Coco does? Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. I love my dog Coco a lot. I wouldn't be able to get rid of her. And I know that if there was a bunny around at the same time my dog Coco was around, the bunny would not be around for long. Killer instinct. She's got the look and she locks in to anything moving along the ground, be it one of my children's feet or vermin and just like full and she'll do it indefinitely. Yeah.

Our friends Renee and Allegra from Can I Pet Your Dog, our sister show here at Maximum Fun, still laugh every time they see me about the time that I brought Coco to a dog park meetup for Can I Pet Your Dog. And Coco chased a ball literally until she physically collapsed. Wow. For like 45 minutes of full out running consistently the entire time because she's so obsessed with catching anything that's running on the ground. That's a great trait to have in a dog. Yeah, it's nice. Until you want a bunny.

Right. Exactly. I went to the bunny rescue in Richmond, California once. My wife took me there like for my birthday or something. That was heaven. Aw. Because little buns, you pick them up and they're like, are you protecting me? Are you dangerous?

And you're like, I'm just protecting you, little friend. Did you guys see the video from the fire? Oh, of the guy. Yes. So did you see that, Jesse? I saw something about it. But what is in the video? So he, it's, I mean, it's like Hades is surrounding the freeway.

It's fire. Everything's on fire. And you see this guy running after something and you see a little bunny and it's a baby, which makes it that much crazier. Hopping over and it gets scared and it runs into, it hops into a burning bush. And the guy goes into the, he's like freaking out. And then he goes into the burning bush and like flushes him out. And then he chases after him and and like flushes him out and then he chases after him and picks up the bunny and you see him cradling the bunny and then he goes back

and presumably gets in his car and then he runs into a bunny restaurant so no no no no first of all what he does is he puts the bunny in his lap and the bunny drives the car oh okay through the flames right and then they get and then the literally, as they're doing this, reaches out the window with its paw and flips off the fire. Like, fuck you, I beat you. So it's a cool bunny. He sounds pretty cool. It's pretty incredible. Shades and everything.

So let's take another call, shall we? Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Carolyn from Orange County calling in with a momentous occasion. So today at work, my mom called me, and she never calls me at work unless it's very, very important. And she told me that my aunt just set a date for her wedding, and it's going to be next Thanksgiving, and it's going to be in the Vatican in Rome. You heard that right. My aunt is getting married in the Vatican. Love the show.

Bye. Where would you expect Aunt John Paul to get married? Sure, yeah. She's marrying a pope. How did they pull that off? I mean, you have to reserve it. It's like getting one of those city-owned buildings in a park. You have to reserve it way ahead of time.

But if you do, it's relatively affordable. Oh, is that right? Sure. I didn't know you were so, like, up on your Vatican wedding. I've seen a little movie called Angels and Demons. Oh. Sure. And I've seen The Young Pope.

What I was thinking was that like, is this a thing where you have the ceremony, reception's in the same place, fucking Vatican gets lit. Yeah. Live band. Open bar. Maybe you got bionics there.

Sure, yeah. No, they can't because they're going to be at our show. Right. And they only play once a year. Right. Andy Richter, though, is flying. Andy Richter, yes. Andy Richter will be in their wedding.

That's exciting. Yeah. I mean, I like the idea of getting a little loose in the Vatican. You better hope that they have not been living in sin before walking into that wedding. Oh, yeah. Sure. Do you think they pop out the sacramental wine? I should hope so.

Or do you think you're just drinking standard wine? My question is, are you drinking a glass of wine or are you drinking the blood of Christ? It is the blood of Christ, but it's actually Bud Light sponsors all weddings now at the Vatican. Oh, wow. So they transmute. Got it. Well, that's nice. Yeah.

Sounds like a perfectly good thing to do with Bud Light. Absolutely. Bud Light is okay as it is, but you turn into the blood of Christ, now you've got to party. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call if you have a momentous occasion. Jordan, we've been doing this show for, what, 11 years or something like that. No one has ever called in about something lost in their butt. That can't be true. Is that because we're doing-

That can't be true. Is that because we're doing such a great job of educating people? I mean, it could be. I mean, if you listen to this show, clearly you know what to do during ass play and corn play and wherever the twain shall meet. I'm just saying if something gets lost, you know who to call. Don't be embarrassed. And you know what? That goes for up your child's nose, too.

Sure. Whatever's in your child's nose, too. Sure. Whatever's in your child's nose. Let's hear about that. You know, who knows what might get up in there. That's a rough transition. It's just places where things get lost. The category is parts of the human body where something gets lost. Okay. Up the butt,

up a child's nose. Okay. Right? I follow. Okay. Not sexualizing children here, if that's what you mean. I don't mean that. Okay. I'm focusing my sexualization on cat marionettes. Yeah, sure.

Where it belongs. Sensual cat marionettes. Okay. We'll be back. With realistic figures. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back.

We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be back. We'll be Comic geeks. Library junkies. Literary fiction lovers. Bibliophiles. And nerds. Want to get more out of your reading life? Listen to Reading Glasses. I'm Bria Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara.

We want to help you read better. Join us every Thursday on Maximum Fun's new podcast while we talk about book culture and solve your reader problems. Reading Glasses will teach you how to vanquish your to-be-read pile. Connect with other readers. And get more reading into your busy day. No matter what you read or how you read it, we'll help you do it better. That's cute.

Hello, I'm Ross Blotcher. And I'm Cary Poppy. We're hosts of MaximumFun.org's Ono, Ross, and Cary. We wanted to tell you the good news that our podcast is now weekly. Yes, weekly. On Ono, Ross, and Cary, we don't make extraordinary claims. We investigate them. We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims,

and participate in pseudoscientific medical treatments, and then report our findings to you. In a time where alternative facts reign supreme, we cut through murky spin to give you the straight skinny on topics like UFOs, the anti-vaccination movement, Scientology, and even apocalyptic churches. We're even undercover for some very exciting investigations right now. Well, not right now, right now. That's Oh No Ross and Carrie with new episodes every week at MaximumFun.org. We show up so you don't have to.

It's Jordan Jessigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Elizabeth Lame. Mom. Elizabeth, it's been Libby Lame. Oh, Libby, I like it. Is that fun? Yeah.

It's been a joy to have you on the program as it ever is. It's always a joy. I love you both. This is wonderful. You've got some shows coming, some shows going.

Where should people who are all in on their favorite hero, Liddy Lame. Liddy now. Okay. Yeah, that's another one. We've changed it up. There's a lot of good ones.

Yeah. I guess totallylame.com. They can just kind of keep track. And that's L-A-I-M-E. Indeed. Yes. Thank you for that because I have never until this very moment thought about the fact that people are probably going to totally lame. Really?

Now is the first time. I'm actually humiliated to admit I don't think I've ever thought about that. Really? Because I do go to totallylame.com, L-A-M-E. And is it kick-ass? Well, yeah. If, like me, your interest is in masturbating to nude women who have boots on their feet. Oh, okay. Like I'm talking about like a medical boot.

Right. We did buy that URL, I guess, then when we started. So someone thought of it then. Right. So there's a referrer there. Right, yeah. Got it. Okay, good. Everything's in order. So totallylame.com is where to find our pal, Elizabeth Lame.

Always great to see you. Always great to see another true pioneer of the podcast medium who was kind enough to invite me to be on her show when we were neighbors below those many years ago. So many. And I realized I could walk to your house. Oh, yes. And that's how we reeled you in, I think. Of the dog.

You were like, I can't. You had a really cute dog. Oh, that's right. That was how it worked. That's nice. Daniel Baruela on the boards this week. Sonny D., Brian Fernandez is our producer. He's laughing right now, probably.

In heaven. We killed him. He's dead. Yay. He shouldn't have gotten into that liquid head poison. What's that made out of? Borax, right? Boric acid?

Yep. Yeah. Gosh, you know a lot of stuff. It's not that poisonous, though. It's just that it could irritate your eye. I guess it is really bad for eyes. Wow. Who knew?

You got to flush them. Got to flush those eyes. Eyes and poops. Sure. Two lessons that I should need to teach my children. Yeah. And bunnies out of fire bushes. It turns out, by the way, that the signature experience of being a parent of a child under eight is discovering poops.

Like, oh. Hidden poops. Hello. There's a poop there. You know? Yep, yep. Just whatever the situation is. Not just in die-dies.

Just around. Around town, they become furniture. In your house. Oh. Hello. I thought this was a beanbag chair. It's just been a collection of poops. Oh, wow.

This artistic coffee table is starting to chip away. Okay. Tweet your corrections at GasStationTV. That's what it is, right? GasStationTV? At GasStationTV. At GasStationTV. And, of course, as always, we want to leave you with our famous theme song.

When the swallows come back to Capistrano. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye-bye. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.