Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 512: Live in London with Nick Hornby and Helen Zaltzman

Episode Date: January 2, 2018

Live from the London Podcast Festival in London, Jordan and Jesse are joined by celebrity podcaster Helen Zaltzman and author and screenwriter Nick Hornby for a discussion of their AirBnB in London, Jordan's trip to Paris, and Nick's history of naming things on the show.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. Hey gang, Jordan Morris, Boy Detective here. We have something very, very special for you this week. I'm really, really excited. We're finally getting to release this. People have been asking for it. And here it is. This is Jordan Jesse Go live from the London Podcast Festival. Two great guests on this show, celebrity podcaster Helen Zaltzman, always a JJ Go fave, and Nick Hornby, author and screenwriter. He will be naming things, which is something that OG JJ Go fans know him to do. So it's really, really cool that we got him back to name things again on the show.

The folks at the London Podcast Festival were just fantastic, and this was a super, super fun show. I think you're really going to enjoy it. So without further ado, here is JJ Goh live from the London Podcast Festival. Hello and welcome to Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. What a joy to be here in London, England. In a beautiful room that looks like it probably has traps. in England. In a beautiful room that looks like it probably has traps.

Don't some of these slats in the wall look like they maybe have a gas gun or a saw blade shooter in them? My main feeling about being in this room is I feel bad doing a podcast. I feel

like I should be playing something that Steve Reich wrote for a gamelan. Oh boy, I didn't understand that reference. Wow. Like a place you would see world music, like a world music performance. No, like a contemporary classical

music played by, but yes, played by an Indonesian orchestra. Right. And then a deadly gas seeps out. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

Okay. I am super, I was here last year. This is your first year here at the London Podcast Festival. I am. Last year sucked, huh? I am super happy to be here We are staying in We rented

To save money We rented an enormous Airbnb I thought you were going to say Zeppelin You're doing this enormous This hand motion I want to say blimp But it's not a blimp

We're just kind of circling London Yeah Enormous, this hand motion. I want to say blimp, but it's not a blimp. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're just kind of circling London. Yeah. We rented a big Airbnb for us and our producers, Jennifer and Nick, and our colleague, John Hodgman. And it's weird. It's like one of these buildings that is billed as having five bedrooms, but really it's like two bedrooms. It's like if humans live there, there would be two bedrooms.

The brand of washing machine is scratched off the washing machine and someone has written bedroom on it. I am so lucky i spent so much time as a contortionist so i'm having a great night's sleep but there i don't know how someone who can't suck their own dick would feel there is a there is a bathroom that clearly was until the advent of Airbnb, a closet. And they planned it out right, I think. But the issue with it is that the toilet, like, they couldn't fit the pipes in the wall. So the pipes are outside the wall, which pushed the toilet about six inches, or as you would say, four kilograms from the wall. I had to make a whole liter of shit. Just a pint of shit.

The ultimate result in this tiny coat closet is that you have to open the door and you're facing the toilet sideways, perpendicular and you have to pee down sideways because there's no remaining space

to stand. I mean, I'm comfortable but as I mentioned before, I can suck my own dick. So this is just par for the course for me. I also, like, it was fully IKEA'd out. Like, all IKEA'd everything. So also, like, it was it's like fully IKEA'd out, like all IKEA'd everything. So yeah, this is

this place is so blank. It's just a it looks like a place you would train child soldiers. Like if you kidnapped like street children who were good at being pickpockets.

You're like, oh, this could be a super soldier. You put them in this room and you just subject them to ordeals until they turn 18. I have a movie to write, excuse me. I'm leaving to write a great movie. The thing that I couldn't deal with, I mean, I'm sure that you guys are much more used to the

general idea of the continental European home appliance than i am but i looked at the at the dishwasher and the washing machine and the dryer and they have controls which i'm familiar with but where there should be words there's only numbers like you just turn it i don't know what the number i'm just rolling the things at random and just pressing the button that says 24. Yeah. But it's like completely,

the whole place is a total cipher. There is only one distinguishing feature in our entire five-bedroom Airbnb. It's this chrome iguana. Yeah. Which I appear to have just broken. For the folks listening at home, this is a very funny chrome iguana.

Yeah, this is to a house... Oh, God. You're gonna have to... Okay, and for the folks at home, Jesse broke the fucking foot off the thing. Wow. Be quiet. Their lawyers are probably...

Solicitors are probably listening right now um yeah this place is to a house like this place is a house like when you'll when you see a porno set in the doctor's office it's someone just hung up an eye chart in a room like well fuck in front of that yeah it's like, well, sleep in there, assholes. I don't know. It is nice to be in London, though. We're from Los Angeles, where things... Hell yeah. Fuck London!

Where's your In-N-Out burger, assholes? Got a lot of five guys. We're from Los Angeles, where historical markers primarily mark things that happened in the late 70s and early 80s. Yeah, the Hall of Records in L.A. was burned down in 1972 during a cocaine fire. So no one remembers anything that happened. But I think part of the thrill of being...

Our history starts with Burt Reynolds and goes from there. Yeah, yeah. He was what we called the first man. He stole fire from the gods. And by fire, again, we mean cocaine. We mean cocaine, yes. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah.

So what's been kind of cool is every building you walk by in London, just relative to the ones we're used to, is something historic. You'll see a plaque. This happened there. An accord was signed near here. Yeah. And we actually, on our way in, I mentioned this at Judge John Hodgman last night, but on our way in, we saw a plaque that said in this house from 1780 to 1810 lived the American patriot Benedict Arnold. And I just got to thinking about all the amazing plaques that there must be here in London.

We actually spent the afternoon doing some research. Yeah, so there are a lot more plaques that maybe you guys just don't notice because you're busy with your lives and going to Five Guys. So yeah, we just wanted to talk about some of the cool plaques we've seen and maybe just something you can kind of check out when you're

walking around London next. In a way, we're sort of the tour guides for you. There's one at 221B Baker Street. It says, the legendary home of Sherlock Holmes, where in 1891, Dr. Watson famously asked, after three glasses of sherry, hey, wouldn't it be hilarious if we kissed?

At 88 and a half Holborn Circus, on this site in 1994, the newly formed Spice Girls throttled to death erstwhile member Sassy Spice, vowing, let's never speak of this to anyone and let's definitely not make a plaque about it. Whoops.

I really like the one at 44 Weymouth Street. It says, this was the home of Charles Dickens' brother, I really like the one at 44 Weymouth Street. It says, This was the home of Charles Dickens' brother, Frank Dickens, a really chill guy who never wrote any books, but why you gotta be up his ass about it? Oh, this is a fun one.

At 8 Holman Street, it was here in 1996 that Boris Johnson first fucking sucked. Local jokes get you local work. At 20 Watling Street, there's one that says, on this site,

gather Robbie Williams, Mitchell and Webb, and the cast of Big Brother for the annual Meeting of People Who Are Only Famous in England. At 5022 Clerkenwell, the cast of Big Brother for the annual Meeting of People Who Are Only Famous in England. At 5022 Clerkenwell

Road, on this site in 1905, Prime Minister Sir Henry Campbell Bannerman stated before Parliament, yeah, let's definitely keep spelling tire with a Y. Lock that shit in! At 4 Dingily Road,

which I presume I mispronounced, there's a plaque that says, it was in this house in 1988 that a super-blazed British teen first heard that Brian May from Queen was also an astrophysicist, and it totally blew his fucking mind. At 9042 Devonshire Road, the birthplace of Guy Fawkes, the leader of the 1605 gunpowder plot,

and the inspiration for the masks worn by guys on Reddit who explain how to bang chicks using close-up magic. Oh, good, you guys have those. Okay. I was curious. Oh, good. You guys have those. Okay. I was curious. Maybe my favorite one was at 1724 Stavely Road, which is, it says, the address of Jesse and Jordan's Airbnb, which they probably shouldn't have given out on stage.

Yeah. So, yeah. We'll make sure to. Let's not say that one. That's it for the plaque humor.'s that more funny plaques you said i think they said we would prefer to have heard humor about dental plaque sure we're the new plaque kings of podcasting suck on that roman mars uh we got a guest don't we yeah we sure sure do Speaking of Roman Mars You know her from her smash hit podcast

In the Radiotopia Network, The Illusionist You also know her from What we'll go ahead and call Britain's most popular comedy podcast Because there's no one here to contradict us Answer me this Please welcome to the stage, Helen Zaltzman. Can I... Can I sit with your friends?

Oh, fuck, you broke it! Oh, Helen! Oh, no! It looks better this way. For the folks listening at home, Helen rebroke the iguana and is now trying to put it back together It's got like sort of Foot hands

How many digits does an iguana have On its foot hands Twelve Twelve There's a guy in the front row with an iguana on his shoulder Oh and a guy fox mask too Any advance on 12? Do I hear 14?

Helen, you... Hi. I always like talking to you because you've always recently traveled somewhere cool. You even are, like, you're about to abandon your home. Yeah, I mean, what's the point? Yeah, right? Fuck it.

Why not go on permanent holiday? What's the catch? No one wants to think about the catch. Couldn't you have suggested the catches to me before my husband quit his tenured academic job? Oh, boy. Which he stops doing on Monday. Now, what's the catch?

My first question... Nothing, thank you. I was gonna ask, where do you shit, but... I'm just saving it. Save those shits. So I...

Before I came here, I had a little... I had a jaunt in Paris. I flew into Paris and took the train in here. And I asked you if you had ever been, and you said you had an observation that you would tell me while we were podcasting. Yeah, I – as you have experienced yourself. Boy, what a shitty way to set that up. I'm sorry.

Do you just want to take the night off? Just be like, you guys talk about some stuff. We've really just laid bare the process. Should we get back to the plaque stuff? We don't have any more. We could just read those again, I guess. I haven't been to Paris very much, even though it's only a train ride away,

because my husband never wants to go. He doesn't want me to go by myself because he knows the city you're meant to go to as a couple. But he doesn't want to go because he used to go there a lot in order to laser cancerous prostates. And so now... Wait, sorry. Sorry, excuse me, forgive me. Sorry to interrupt your story. You know, like a lot of people, the image they would get with Paris is Eiffel Tower or Notre Dame or something like that. Or the Louvre or Mona Lisa. And for him, it's a man in stirrups with a laser off his anus.

And he's like, I want to be with you while I think of anuses. Inflamed anuses. One of them had a wart on it the size of an orange. Oh, boy. But not after my husband lasered it off, so there's a happy ending. Yay! All right.

Lasers, lasers. So did you see any of that on your trip to Paris? No. Not on the tour buses. Go, Pascoe, check out the size of that wart. No, I had not not I have not been to Paris it hasn't been one of those things I have not

I've not felt compelled to go I think I don't know if this is is it because I told you that before yes yeah yeah the first thing when we first met you're like hey you know what Paris is full of wart ridden anuses no I don't know I never you know I always it was it's like wart-ridden anuses.

No, I don't know. I had never... You know, I always... It's like, I feel like in America, Paris is... Eleven hours we flew here. Yeah. This anus stuff. Okay.

And the black stuff. And we broke an iguana. So... Yeah. They're fine. They're fine. I feel like Paris is always... It's one of those things that

Americans... That, like, boring Americans are into when they want to seem interesting. Like, it's one of those, like, ugh, wine, art, Paris! Like, oh, great, you like wine and art. Like, you know, you're... Why are we talking?

Oh, public television. Sure, yeah, yeah. Is that how... Is that here, too? Are boring British people into Paris? Or are they just stoked about Euro Disney? I mean, who wouldn't be? Well, I mean, do Brits get stoked? Yeah.

Not even in Stoke. Definitely not in stoke i don't definitely not in stoke it's uh it's in a it's in a downbeat part of the country um uh someone just like oh well how do you feel someone someone's in from the staffordshire and they are pissed off excuse me we've got the Great British Pottery Throwdown now. It is joyous in Stoke. And that is the best TV programme I have seen in years. So if you can watch the semi-final of the Great British Pottery Throwdown on the internet, it means... Wait, that's not made up? No.

It's like Project Runway, but for potters. And in the semi-final, they had to hand make toilets and then the judges sat on them and flushed them to test them

and these were like sculptural toilets shaped like turtles and stuff, it was magnificent I've spoiled it but it's still magnificent British pottery throw down Have you seen our new reality show fucking American Flag Eagle, fuck you.

Is there a semi-final to beat the toilet making and testing? In our version of Top Chef, the finale, in the finale... Your version of Top Chef is the American show. In ours it ends

The Rock eats a gun and nothing leads up to it and it's two hours Ryan Seacrest does a good job I just want to be his friend He's a professional, he's a professional. He's a real pro. He's a pro's pro. He's a regular, some English person whose name I don't know.

Well. Piers Morgan? Yeah. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Yeah, we love that guy, too. Yeah? Yeah.

It must suck to be England. Like, probably the worst part about England is that you think you're finally rid of Piers Morgan. And then we reject him and he's like, hey guys, I'm back! So I was planning my things to do in Paris. And a little clickbait news item that I had seen the week before was that Paris just opened its first nude public park. So there is a segment of a French public park that is it's okay to be nude in.

Oh! I was wondering if the other parks were wearing clothes. Fuck me. It's across from Paris' nude post office. If you see the nude hospital, you've gone too far. The nude jail is a great success.

Very low recidivism there. Yeah. Hard to hide a shiv when you're nude. Hard to hide a shiv. I heard that there was a place in France where the ladies wear no pants. I did not know it was a park. No flashes in that park, I guess. Or does it still have impact if everyone else is nude

and you've got a raincoat on and you go... Whoa! Asking for a friend. Yeah. If you want to shock people, you just go in wearing three pairs of slacks and everyone is revolted. So do you get undressed when you're in the

park or is there a kind of loading bay from the non-nude parts of Paris to the nude parts and you have to strip off in this kind of... Do you mean like on a spaceship? Yeah, like an airlock but for clothing. I had many questions

before I left for the park. So this was one of them. At what point can I become nude? So I don't know. I decided to do this. This was like a solo trip. I'm like, I don't know anybody here. I want to do something French. You took yourself on a French date. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I

will do this. Did you bring a duffel bag? So here's what I did. I brought an empty backpack. So I'm like, when I become nude, at whatever point that is, I'll put all my clothes in my backpack. And I guess I'll be wearing a backpack. And I'll be wearing shoes.

And if you get embarrassed, you can wear the backpack like a loincloth. Yeah, exactly. So I take the bus, the city bus, to this park that is in the news item. And I get there, and it's huge. It's a Central Park-sized park. And there are people there, but they are all clothed.

There are some new dogs. I'm like, maybe I've just misread this thing. So I look at their map, and it's all in French. No one speaks less French than me I say croissant that is how little French I speak and I look at the map and it doesn't say anything about nudity there's not a big dong in the middle of the map

it's old, clearly this is a new policy, this nudity. And the map was made before the nudity so there's no marker on it. And so I take out my phone and I re-Google this thing. And it said, it's near the rare bird sanctuary. So I'm like, I'll just follow the sound of rare birds. I think I hear a cock. Ah, no, that's a vagina warbler.

God, I'm sorry you guys paid for this. So, you know, I'm like looking for the bird sanctuary, which is the only landmark I have. And I finally get there, and I see a sign, it's one of the first signs I've seen, and I recognize what looks like a cognate for naturalists. So I'm like, eh,

that's probably it. And then it starts raining. Like a sudden downpour, and I'm like, this is God telling me not to do this. It's a very clear sign. But you'd worn only body paint that day, so... Right, yeah, and then I'm like, this is God telling me not to do this. It's a very clear sign. But you'd worn only body paint that day, so. Right, yeah, and then I'm like, oh, that did

the job for me. God intervened. And then just a guy in a pith helmet with some binoculars walks through and you're like, oh, fuck. So I like turn around to leave and then as I'm halfway out of the park, rain stops. And I'm like, beautiful, and now it's a beautiful day. So I'm, well, shit.

So I go back to the sign that I kind of recognized. And I get out there in this, it's a clearing. And there's no one, there's no one there. So I'm just kind of standing there, like, looking in this area. I'm like, this looks like the nudity area. It feels right. And then these two guys come out of the woods. So you have to go through woods.

These two guys come out of the woods who I guess I will describe as DJ-like. And they both stand there and they both vape for a few seconds and then they turn around and leave. I'm like, shit, I came all this way. I don't know if this is it.

Then, out of the woods, it emerges. I'm choosing my words carefully. He emerged. An elderly man who was only wearing loafers and red socks. And I'm like, this is it! So I'm like, I... So I sat on a log and I took off

all my clothes. I put them into a backpack. And then I'm like, shit, well, I'm nude, but I... There's nothing to do. I assumed there would be a volleyball game. Like, walking in... There'll be an activity. It'll be a volleyball game. Like walking in... There'll be an activity.

It'll be horseshoes. You've watched a lot of nudist documentaries. Yes, yeah. I only watched things that men jacked off to in the 1910s. Was there no ball or anything? The what? Was there no game of ball happening?

No! Damn it. Not even a soupçon of ball? So I sat down, started to read a book. The old man walks by. He says,

Bonjour. I say, Bonjour. And then I sat there for a little bit more. Some more nude men came out. And they just hung around. And we all waved at a certain point. And then I felt pretty good. I felt like I had accomplished something and then I left.

Did you put your clothes back on when you left? Were you like, I'm confident in my nudity? No, no, no. I walked right into a Five Guys. And what for you was the purpose of going to a nude park? What did you want to get out of it I knew that he is. No, no, no. I walked right into a Five Guys. And what, for you, was the purpose of going to a nude park? What did you want to get out of it, apart from checking out some people?

Yeah. You know, it was the idea of doing something French. Doing something... That not many other French people were doing, so wouldn't you... No, yeah, that's true, yeah. So I was half the people and I was American, so... It's a pretty authentic experience. I don't know.

It just seemed like, you know, I'm going to go back home and people are going to ask me, how was Paris? And I, you know, oh, the Ark, the Eiffel Tower, Croissant. You know, like I'm one of those fucking boring assholes who just says wine and art and then, oh, and then expects that to be a story. So I'm like, I want to hang dong in public so I will not become what I hate. Which is the boring person who takes the obvious trip. Anyway, I guess that's my explanation. But it's not a great story, I hope, after telling it.

Did you feel transformed? I mean, I'm going to moth-eyes your story here a little bit. No, I learned nothing. I refused to learn. Sorry, go ahead. Upon reflection, did you learn anything about yourself from having Hung Dong in this Paris park? In this park in Gay Paris?

I mean, I think it was just kind of a general, like, in this Paris park. In this park in Gay Paris. I mean, I think it was just kind of a general, like... You know how a butterfly comes from a cocoon? Yeah, sure. I emerged from my clothes. That man emerged from the woods. And we danced about like two butterflies. No, I mean, I think it was a thing of like... I was genuinely very uncomfortable.

Like, when I walked in there, the whole thing was fucking uncomfortable. And there were multiple chances to turn around. Like, I was given multiple signs, don't do this. But I had my mind... The rain, the Red Sox. Yes, yeah.

Every part of the story says don't do this. I don't know, but I think it was an exercise. I felt like I got out of my comfort zone. I did something that felt weird. And, yeah, so I feel a little bit accomplished after it. Did it give you a taste for public nudity? No, oh, I don't like it. Now I don't like private nudity.

It has soured me on all nudity. That's the last time you're ever going to see yourself. Yes. On my wedding night, I will have sex with a bathrobe on. What do you mean? You used to have a job. Yes. Where...

No. I'm referring to a previous job. You used to have a job where you were required to fly all over our great nation following its greatest boarders of various types. That is to say, people who ride skate and snowboards, not just people who pay to rent a room in a house. Yeah, these kind of extreme athletes to us, like in your country,

is like a man who makes an ornate toilet. Yeah. Someone who would stoke us. An Olympian. Yeah, right, yeah. But like you used to have to fly around the country all the time traveling, but that was usually with like work colleagues.

Sure. Are you a comfortable solo traveler? Yeah, I mean, it was weird. I assumed I would know someone. Uh-huh. And you ended up knowing yourself. Yeah. Oh, you knew yourself in that part?

I mean, you know, when in Rome, jack off in front of an old man. That's the saying, right? Yeah, so, yeah, it was weird. It was, yes, it was an experiment in uncomfortableness, I think. What's your favorite, like, activity to do when you are touristing? Oh, boy. Are you, like, are you a museum man?

Are you a museum man? Are you a fancy restaurant guy? Are you an amusement park enthusiast? Oh, all of the above. Right. I can only hope that Euro Disney will open up a nude zone at some point. And then I can, this can kind of be

the prestige. I I I really like museums. Do you like free-balling in museums? On nude Thursdays? It's hard to jack off

through your pants. I went to the British Museum the other day, which is amazing. It's like really great. Yeah, we stole only the best stuff in the British Museum the other day, which is amazing. It's really great. Yeah, we stole only the best stuff from the rest of the world. Yeah, you're like, man, these people used to be on top of the fucking world. Their dominion over others was near complete.

Now they're watching toilet making on TV. USA! USA! USA! It really, I definitely, like, one of the things about the British Museum is you can really tell from the shit that's in the British Museum when England was, like, really fucking rolling.

Because I imagine... It's when they did Ecstasy, right? Yeah, exactly. Like, one of the things things as I was going through was I thought they should maybe just have a sign that clarified like, back when we were really into stealing shit, the top shit to steal was fucking mummies.

That would like explain the whole British Museum. Like just so you know, at the time, the main fucking shit was if you had a mummy. Well, I mean, isn't that all obvious? Because it's all, like, why would there be mummies in England otherwise? It's all strongly implied in the existence of

the museum. No, no, I understand. But the British Museum is like, it's like the most majestic museum. We were really good at stealing shit in the 19th century like the most majestic museum. We were really good at stealing shit in the 19th century. Really good. There's a cagoule made of whale stomach in there. I mean, but think about if you're a nobleman, you did some plundering, you're in a pub chatting with a bird.

Sorry, Greece, you're not getting the marbles back. And she's like, it's getting pretty late. And you say, you know, back at my place, I got a mummy. That's why Victorian families were so large. Yeah, right? All that mummy fucking. My favorite museum in London is this museum called the Sir John Soane House. Oh, yeah, your indie museums, yeah.

Oh, only at a podcast festival do you get woos for mentioning a museum people like. It's a fucking sweet-ass museum. What's everybody's favorite graphing calculator? It's just this guy's house. It's just his house. And he is most notable for having invented skylights or something. I couldn't figure out why you're supposed to care

about Sir John Soane. But at some point... Probably because he was wealthy? Sure. At some point he got a fucking mummy and he couldn't fit it through his... There's a fucking mummy and then there got a fucking mummy and he couldn't fit it through there's a fucking mummy and then there's a fucking mummy

which is a mummy that you alter he couldn't fit the mummy through his door so he took off the wall of his house to bring the mummy in and not only is it fucking amazing So he took off the wall of his house to bring the mummy in. And not only is it fucking amazing, his house has a viewing gallery for this mummy that is 100% just him being like,

yeah, babe, I got a fucking mummy. Check that out. Now check this out. But it reminded me of one time I went to Podcaster. That's been embalmed recently. I have something else that has a curse on it. It's my dick. Again, I think that was strongly implied.

I like to spell it out for people. I have a dry sense of humor. it out for people. I have a dry sense of humor. It just made me think of one time I went to Adam Carolla's house and he... Do you guys have Adam Carolla over here? Do you guys know what Adam Carolla is?

He's like, what's the guy that on the car show that punched the guy? Jeremy Clarkson. He guy? Jeremy Clarkson. He's our Jeremy Clarkson. And I went to his house one time. He told me he had a mummy. I went to his house one time, and he used to be, like, a house builder.

And in his house, he has a car. Inside his house. And I don't know how he got it there. You can't use a car inside a house. I want to be clear, it's not in a garage. It's in the house. Like, inside the house. There's no big doors.

I don't know how it got in the house. But I figured John Stone was like the Jeremy Clarkson or Adam Carolla of his day. Is it Missy Elliott on MTV Cribs who had a car bed, and when you opened the boot, a shoe rack rose out of the boot? Oh, shit, that's dope. I'm pretty happy about it. The dopest shit that I saw at the British Museum, though, was they had this. It was just pride here here I guess, right?

Recently. There was a LGBTQ people exhibit in the British Museum. Now ironically, roughly the size of a closet. Not a notably impressive exhibition.

And you know, you can understand why. Secret histories, etc, etc, etc. And there was some nice displays of pens, but there was a little area that was basically it was like

early dick art. Basically it was like a little display of early dick art. How early are you talking? Because humans have been doing dick art since they've been humans. Yeah, no, I mean, that was the theme of this exhibit. The majestic history of human dick art.

But there was on a cave wall, you have a picture of the Great Hunt, and then the orgy after the Great Hunt. And the best dick there was, it was pretty small and it was made out of clay and it was Roman or something. I learned a lot at this exhibit. And it was a

dick and it was a sort of like a dick the size of an old timey pistol, you know, like sort of like a dick the size of a like an old-timey pistol you know like like sort of slanty like this was it attached to a human uh no no just a dick uh it was sort of a dick if a dick were an independent animal does that make sense like if a dick was its own type of animal so it's a donger that's you know with a little 70 degree angle or whatever and then the dick animal had a dick tail and it's

own little dick so it was sort of a triple dick or trip dick I bet if you see so you're a you're a Victorian lady you have these guys coming up to you in pubs saying, hey, you want to come back to my place and see the mummy?

Yeah. Probably gets old. Yeah. I've seen it. I've seen all these mummies. If you want to fucking get it done at that point, you've got to say, hey, baby, come back to my house. I got a wolf man.

I got a wolf man hey gang Jordan here just breaking in with a few announcements and a very special guest Brian Sonny D Fernandez the producer of this program, noted television writer and all-around great guy whose laughter delights everyone and upsets no one. Yeah, I don't upset anyone with my laughter. I'll say hello and I'm sorry.

Both. Brian, nice to have you on, Mike. I feel like we haven't talked to you in an official capacity in a while. Yeah, it's nice to be in here. It's also unnerving, but I'm excited to be able to sneak in here for a quick holiday break. Yeah, so something that our listeners, I think, would love to hear about, you and your lovely wife got a new dog recently. So you're a puppy pair these days. Yep. We're puppy parents now.

And our little dog, she's a- Do you call yourselves mommy and daddy? Are you like, okay, mommy and daddy are going out. It's worse. It's worse than that. We have, it's mom, mom, and dad, dad. Oh, boy. Yeah, that is bad.

It's real bad. Oh, God. If you call yourselves grandma and grandpa, that would be a- No, no. Yeah, meemaw. Yeah, it's really bad. It's pretty bad. We got her when she was six weeks old.

Her name's Alice, and she's a mini Australian shepherd. I've gone to places now in my life that I never thought that I would go to, and I'm embarrassed about it. What's an example of something that you've done that you could not have foreseen? You know, walking around an airport going like, don't pee pee. Like, you know, or like carrying her desperately to the to the pet room where, you know, you have to go and they she just will not go. And you're going, Alice, please go potty. Go potty. Go pot. I've said the word potty more times in the last three months than I've ever said in my life.

So there's a there. So when you travel with her, there's like a there's like an airport area for dogs to. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They call it the pet relief area. And that's a nice. It's a little room that just smells behind the Cinnabon. Yeah, exactly.

So the smell of the Cinnabon masks the feces and urine. That's key. The good airports get that right. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all about placement. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But she did really good over the holidays. We had like five different flights

that she was on. Oh, boy. And she did great. Most of the flights, somebody would like poke their head up after like we land and say, oh, there was on. Oh, boy. And she did most of the flights, somebody would, like, poke their head up after, like, we land and say, oh, there was a dog on this flight? And so nothing has made us more proud

than, like, she's been quiet and not bothered anyone. Does she have, like, a service animal vest? She has a little collar, like, a little thing on her collar that says, like, emotional support animal. Gotcha. So. Well, nice of Alice to lend you guys emotional support during the holidays,

which can be stressful. Yeah, super stressful. She's made it much better and worse at the same time. So we got some announcements for you. Looking for your next great hire but short on time? You'll just need the right tools, smarter tools. That's right, ZipRecruiter.com. It's a great job posting service. They post your job to over 100 job boards with just one click and then actively look for the most qualified candidates and

invite them to apply. 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. ZipRecruiter, get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Brian, you know that we love our listeners. Oh, we love them. We love them and we love to get them deals. Yep. They're the best.

They deserve it. They deserve deals. We know you're thrifty. Money is tight these days. The holidays just happened. Your pocketbook is slimmer than it's ever been. Why don't you go ahead and go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo, and you can post jobs for free. Free?

Free. Zero money. Wow. Zero money. That's zero money. Lots of posting. That's great. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo.

Ooh, ooh. Can I do one? Can I do it? Yeah. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Ooh, ooh. Can I do one? Can I do it? Yeah. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That was good. I've always wanted to do that. I've always wanted to do that.

That's a good sounding plug. That was exciting. Hey, you're enjoying a live episode of Jordan, Jesse Go right now. Boy, are we. If you would like to enjoy it in person and you're in the San Francisco Bay Area. Jesse and I are coming up to the SF Sketch Fest, and we got a bunch of live shows for you. First and foremost, Jordan, Jesse, go. Friday, January 12th, 10.30 p.m.

That's kind of a late show. Oh, yeah. Might be a little rowdy. Yeah, things could get crazy. Or sleepy. It's going to be one of the two. One or the other. It's either going to be extra rowdy or extra sleepy.

Friday, January 12th, 10.30 p.m. at the Gateway Theater, formerly the Eureka. Tickets $25, Jordan, Jesse, go. We got some great guests on that show. Andy Richter from Conan. That's great. And Alison Rosen from the Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend podcast. Yeah, one of our favorites. Always a great guest, a friend of the show.

And music from Bayonix. Oh, yeah. They're a Bay Area band, right? I think they are. Judging by the name, I would guess. So yeah, lots of cool stuff coming up at that show. Jesse will be doing the Judge John Hodgman podcast Thursday, January 11th, 8 p.m. at the Castro Theater. Ticket's $35.

And I will be a guest on the Obsessed Podcast. That's Saturday, January 13th, 8 p.m. at the Piano Fight Mainstage. Tickets $15. Our good buddy Joseph Scrimshaw hosts that. Matt Belknap will be a guest. A couple other great guests on that show, too. So definitely check out the obsessed podcast at the piano fight main stage january 13th 8 p.m brian you're gonna be in san francisco with us coming up program yeah

i get actually i get to help out with uh hodgman too so i'm doing i'm helping hodgman and jj go i'm excited sketch fest is always one of my favorite things that we do every year it's a blast it's always exciting yeah the fans are great the shows are always i always think they're going to be good and then they're better. We have a great time. Totally, yeah. We've been going to Sketchfest more frequently than any other comedy podcasting event.

Definitely, it's a favorite. Awesome fans. If you have not been to any Sketchfest shows, definitely definitely come out. SFSketchfest.com is the website. You can grab tickets. Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgman, and the Obsessed podcast. Come to all fucking three. Oh, make it a week in the city.

Come to the city and just hang out. Even if you don't live there, get yourself a nice double tree. Hey, are you in Portland? Come on down. Yeah, sure. Are you in Sacramento? Oh, you could totally come on down. Half Moon Bay?

Yeah. Hey, you know what? If you're in Southern California, if you're in Angelino, why not take a nice road trip? Come up the one. Give some extra time. Drive up that one. It's beautiful. Drive up the one.

It's beautiful. Oh, it's worth doing at least once in your life. You're tacking on an hour, but such scenery. Yeah. Yes, sfsketchfests.com. Come out and see us live. Now, hey, I think we've got a little bit more from the london podcast festival let's go back to that

um i had another uh i had another very another very funny thing happen to me in Paris, but it concerns our next guest. Should we welcome him to the stage? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, he's a celebrated screenwriter, a best-selling novelist, and a friend of this program, the king of names. Please welcome to the stage, Nick Hornby.

Hi, Nick. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. How are you, Jesse? I'm well. Can I ask you, before we start, your plaques, your Airbnb, did you say it was 1724, your address? Yeah. That's so cute, isn't it? Is that wrong? Is that not an address that would be in... No one has ever lived at a four-figure address in the UK. You can get some low threes.

We'll have to ask the audience what's the highest number in this room, but all my life I've lived in 19, 28, 32. That's about it. 32 is about as much as I've got. This audience has been seething at us since the plaque joke. Well, I think they thought, oh, this is really interesting. I don't know if this is true or not. And then they got to 1724, and they thought, oh, it's all made up. So you're saying it was believable up to that point.

The whole Robbie Williams thing and all those plaques, the Spice Girls, no problem. But no, there's no 1724. Known for your novels and your credulity. We're not here for jokes, we're here for facts. Say facts at us. Any other part of the program you've had a problem with up till now?

No, I've just been sitting there listening to you talk about dicks and nudity for about half an hour. Sure, sure, yeah. Welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. They knew what they were getting into. I like the theme. It went straight from nudity to dicks. Yeah, yeah.

Well done. Sure. It was smooth. We're going to bring it back around at some point. We're sort of like the Ryan Seacrests of America. Sure. What's he famous for, Ryan Seacrests of America what's he famous for Ryan Seacrest couldn't tell you

do we have him here do we have Ryan Seacrest we have other Blunt TV presenters he is the host of American Idol oh he's Dermot O'Leary then he's Dermot O'Leary but we don't have Ryan Seacrest, right?

I mean, himself. What's my girl called from the Antiques Roadshow? Antiques Roadshow. Fiona Bruce. Oh, Fiona Bruce. Fiona Bruce, she's what's up. She could get it. I was Fiona Bruce's secretary in late 2003.

Could she get it way back then? I bet she could. Very much so. More so in person even than on television. She's fine. So warm. The host of American Antiques Roadshow was a man named Mark L. Wahlberg. World's worst. Wahlberg. World's worst

Mark Wahlberg. And the other Mark Wahlberg's kind of bad too, so he's just jockeying for worst Wahlberg. I mean, imagine how bad he is at hosting television shows to be the world's worst Mark Wahlberg without ever having

perpetrated a violent hate crime. Does he punch all the vases? Yes. Do you ever aspire to work in film again? You came up during my trip to Paris. This was a very

Paris-y thing that I did. I went alone to bars and very a parisy thing that I did. I went alone to bars and read a tattered paperback. I was going to ask what was on your lap during your nude spell in the park. The book you were reading. It was How to Be Good

by Nick Hornby. No. It was. That was covering your penis. Yeah. Yeah. And holding my place when i wanted to walk around there are some pretty sexy parts in that book so i'm really glad it didn't levitate during the uh so i am i am i am i am reading this alone in a bar and a uh and i an an austrian man comes up to me. I'm clothed at this point. And this Austrian man

has clearly been drinking a long time. He's very drunk and smells very bad. That's not a critique on Austrians. I don't know how they smell. This one smelled. And he just kind of started talking to me. He's like, oh, this guy's alone. I can talk to him.

I'm a drunk. And he was there. His girlfriend lives in Paris, and he's like, she fell in love with me because I gave her books. I gave her Proust. I gave her Balzac. She fell in love with me.

Yeah, right. I gave her the old Balzac. Right up the proust. The old proust shoot. Philip K. My cock! I'm Austrian, baby! Hey!

I'm walking here! Give me some spencil! And so he noticed your book and he's like Nick Hornby amazing writer no bullshit he writes about football

no bullshit and I'm like yeah he's terrific I've liked all of his books that I've read and he's like oh you know who else I love? I love the writer Irvin Welsh. I'm like, oh, I read Trainspotting. I read Porno in high school. They're both very important books to me then.

I loved those books. He's like, oh, yes. He's like, I think it is important to read every day if you want to be a writer. You have to read every day. I'm like, oh, yeah. I recently read Stephen King's memoir, and he says that. He says that if you want to be, it's a similar thing, if you want to be a writer, you read every day.

And he's like, Stephen King, this is why I hate America. And turns around and faces the wall as opposed to talk to me for one more second.

Wow. Yeah. No bullshit, though. You should put that on the cover. No bullshit. Speaking of you writing about football, Nick, I was struggling to understand why there were so many

Germans wandering around in red and white scarves yesterday in London. I saw a number of them. I actually saw some. I was getting out of the subway station on the way to a podcast power breakfast with one Ollie man. Olly Mann. And just a group of like five or six German guys were wearing the special red and white scarves. And I had no idea what was going on. And they just looked at each other outside the subway station.

Again, 9 o'clock in the morning, looked at each other outside the subway station. And then they went, Bia! Bia! Bia! Bia! Bia! subway station and then they went beer, beer, beer, beer, beer! So what the fuck was going on? Yes, it was a very strange day in London yesterday because

I think 15,000 fans of Cologne FC came to visit. They only had 3,000 tickets for the game last night and there was a lot of difficulty involved in that. Did they like take, pull

straws and decide who got a ticket? Rochambeau? You guys have Rochambeau? Rock, paper, scissors? They were quite well behaved to be honest given that they were drunk and they didn't have tickets for the game that they were going to.

But at one point there were about 10,000 walking up Wardour Street in Soho, which is not a big street. And they're doing all this sort of clapping in unison and doing German chanting. I feel like if you don't speak German, that is the most foreboding thing to hear on the horizon is German chanting. And if my grandfather were alive, he'd say, oh yeah, this is life now, Grandpa. There are 10,000 Germans in Wardour Street.

Like in America, we... That's very close to America now, by. There are 10,000 Germans in Wardour Street. Like, in America, we... That's very close to America now, by the way. In America, our Constitution's First Amendment guarantees the right to free speech, but that's different in European countries, and I feel like it should be legal for Germans to clap in unison

while walking down a street. It's still too soon, right? Yeah, too soon. For sure. For sure. Of the fans who come from other... Oh boy, this is going to be a minefield. Of the fans who come from other countries to watch...

Which race is the worst? Who come from other countries to watch football, who can you rely on to be the drunkest? That's interesting. The Germans really, really like to drink. They apparently have a chant that is just beer. Beer! Beer! But then anywhere further east of that.

Okay. Pretty much. Your Poles, your Serbsbs your Croats yeah that's awesome and of course the Scots I think it's crazy that like that soccer or football in Europe is like a constant actual war going on, and that's like perfectly normal to you. Like, yeah, 50,000 people swarmed the streets drunk and pushed each other around and yelled national slogans.

It was a blast. Like, that's so terrifying to me. Yeah, we've so terrifying to me. Yeah. We've got used to it. Well, Nick, you are on Jordan Jesse Go, known as the King of Names. Am I still known as that?

Absolutely. Good. You guys all know Nick Hornby, the King of Names, right? That sounds like an evil character in a fantasy novel. The King of Names. I can't remember what I named. I remember it was extremely successful. You named...

You named... Well, you gave a couple their married surname. Ah, yes. They have since divorced. Yeah. Oh, I don't... We don't know that. You named a miniature horse Aretha.

Yes. And you named other things that I don't remember. Okay. We were talking about this earlier, and we think you also named a burlesque dancer. Do you remember that? You'd think I would, wouldn't you? Yeah. Her name, I think, was...

I'm going to say I do. Honeysuckle Duvet. In the end. So we put out a call... Did this happen? Did I just come on your show and start naming things? Or did you ask me to do it? I honestly couldn't tell you.

I mean, this is also... Like, to be fair, a significant portion of my career owes to a similar thing where for some reason I thought John Hodgman would be a good judge. Listen, the first year or two

of this show, we were in a mushroom-induced fugue state. Yeah, but it worked. I mean, it turns out

you're really great at it and we went on the internet and asked listeners what needed names in their lives. And we collected a few, and we thought, with your help, Nick and Helen, maybe you can help as well. I don't know if you're an internationally celebrated namer slash novelist slash screenwriter,

but maybe you could lend us a hand too? You could be the queen of names. I don't know, I just feel like it should be a republic. Don't suck up to that stuff. Beer! Beer! Beer! Nick, it's actually been a while since you've been on the show. Have you done any naming since, like, just casual naming off the podcast?

Not casual. I'm a professional now. I'm sorry. Yeah. You know you're not being paid to be here tonight, right? I know that. This is just for fun, usually. Monday to Friday, it's paid.

Got it. Okay. Monday to Friday, it's paid. Got it. Okay, so the first thing that needs a name, this comes from Serena G. She wants you to name her 2017 Toyota Prius. A little context on this Prius. It's a gray Prius.

Wait, a podcast listener has a Prius? Okay. All right. I'll go with it. She had to special order it because there weren't any other... There weren't any local lots that carried the plug-in. She primarily uses this, actually, to commute with her eight-year-old daughter.

And they listen to podcasts together. And there's a little note here. Not JJ Go, but JJ Ho is a fave. Yeah. I wonder why you don't want an eight-year-old to listen. She likes reducing her carbon footprint. And she's named her cars in the past, but they've mostly

had pretty lazy names, if I'm being frank, if I can editorialize. She had a Mercury Milan named Molly, a Nissan Altima named Allie, and a Mercury C named Molly, a Nissan Altima named Allie, and a Mercury Cougar named Kitty. So she is looking for a name. The names suggested so far by her daughter

have been Smokey because of the color and Optimus Prime because of the robot. I think we can agree those are both shit suggestions. Both of those are out. It needs a spaceship name to me, to my mind. Why does a car need a name? So you can fuck it.

Okay, now I understand. Doy! But if you're going to go down that road, Helen, there isn't going to be much show left to be honest why does anything need a name man money just has value because we say it does while Nick is considering it

do you have any initial feelings about it Helen besides disagreeing with the premise of this segment I just think that people anthropomorphizing their cars gets dangerously close to them starting to talk about their car as if it's a character in their life

rather than a vehicle. Not in a fun Transformers way, either. Have you ever seen the movie Manhattan? Woody Allen movie Manhattan? Yeah. I feel like the city of New York is sort of a character in that movie. Oh, boy. You see the problem

Ah sure yeah yeah Yeah you know I'm actually not a Have you ever seen the television show Night Rider Yeah The car is like a character What about the streets of San Francisco Yeah fucking sold done Streets of San Francisco Is Yeah, fucking sold. Done.

Streets of San Francisco is a perfect name for this fucking Prius. It's like a character in the... Yeah. Yeah, I think. Where does she live? Well, we have to assume San Francisco, right? Yeah. Hard to get hybrids in San Francisco. Unless there's...

Do you think it's too long? Streets of San Francisco. What there's... Do you think it's too long? Streets of San Francisco. What about just streets? Streets. Let's call it the streets in favor of England's most beloved terrible rap-like musician. There are some...

Just to go back to football briefly, there are some very nicely named English football teams, and I think it would be cool to have a car named after a football team that no one else in America will know about. And the one I was thinking of was Accrington Stanley. Yeah, fucking sold. Accrington Standard? How is that said again?

It's Accrington, A-double-C-R-I-N-G-T-O-N, and then Stanley. And you can call it Stanley, obviously. Accrington Stanley fucking rules. That is a great name. This is why he's the king! Okay. And, of course, the parliamentarily elected group of namers on the other side. Okay, so we've got a...

People's namers. We've got a French horn here made by Felix Cantesanu. It came from the Minnesota Opera, originally used to play Wagner's Das Rheingold. And it's got a lovely golden tone so I think in honor of Jordan's recent French experience it should be Jordan's Park freedom what about just Jordan's Don? Perfect. Does your dick have a name, Jordan? No. It's like an assassin in Game of Thrones. A dick has no name. It can wear other dicks on it.

If you want to check out more of this riff, meet me in the bar after the show. I can probably do ten minutes. This horn is curvy in French, right? Yeah. Well, come on. All the curvy French people. There are lots of them. Yeah.

Gerard Depardieu. There's Gerard. There's Brigitte. Oh, Brigitte. It's all done. I don't like Brigitte. It's named Brigitte. Okay Brigitte. Oh, Brigitte! It's all done. I kind of like Brigitte. It's named Brigitte. Okay.

Okay. Two for two, hornby. Two for two. Two for two. Laura has a jar of sourdough starter. This is the live bugs that our bread is made of. Sorry, I know, I know, I know. Guys, I know.

The show's been a little blue. Yeah. Is it a crutch? Sure. Is it a barrier that we put up to prevent ourselves from, you know, talking about anything real or getting real or discussing emotions?

Yeah, absolutely. That looks like a jar of cum. I'm sorry! It does! It looks like a jar of cum. People listening can't see it, but that's what it looks like. Jordan, it is not... It's not a jar of cum.

It's a jar of living cum. Oh! She says that she's used it to make sourdough pretzels Jar of living cum. She says that she's used it to make sourdough pretzels, and she's hoping to make bread bowls, pizza dough, and pancakes, just to name a few. But maybe not now Jordan says it's a jar of cum. I think you should say, it looks like there's cum in that jar, rather than a jar of cum.

Like a jar of cum is a thing. Folks. Some of us have collections. I think this is a thing. The jar and the cum look united. So what's your feeling about it? I'm feeling a bit intimidated by the conversation, to be honest. Right. Well, yeastoror to suggest power and yeastiness yeah

salt yeastor done oh Emily's got a pig okay so this is a gilt which is a female pig that hasn't had a litter of pigs it's a cross between a mule foot is a female pig that hasn't had a litter of pigs.

It's a cross between a mule foot and a tamworth pig. She's going to pharaoh, which is to say give birth, sometime later this month. Whoa, Emily and the pig are on giving birth terms and she still hasn't got a name for the pig. I know. Ouch.

I know. She's a regular Dr. James Harriet. She's been brainstorming old lady names that start with G. Her guardian dog, Humphrey Bogart, makes an appearance in some photos that you can't see, so I shouldn't have said that. No, we can see. There's one with the dog. Yeah, we can see the dog there.

So, yeah. I guess maybe if you wanted to go off that, there's a dog named Humphrey Bogart. I don't know if you want to keep going down with classic cinema, but that's an option, I guess maybe if you wanted to go off that there's a dog named Humphrey Bogart I don't know if you want to keep going down with classic cinema but that's an option I guess I mean Goober, Gomer yeah both classic G old lady names

my grandma Goober what about grandma Goober yeah again I want to combine some Englishness with old lady-ness. And referring back to a conversation we had earlier on about are you being served, I think that Mrs. Slocum would be a very good name for a picture. Done. Mrs. Slocum.

Mrs. Slocum. Dave got this weird mailbox that's shaped like Mickey Mouse dressed as the sorcerer's apprentice when he bought his house. Got a handsome BPRD t-shirt on underneath that blazer, it looks like. Yeah, so what do you say? I mean, the obvious one is nightmare Mickey. Yeah, so I guess this one maybe needs a little more description for the folks at home. The other things I think were self-explanatory.

Yeah, so this is a stone Mickey that looks like it's growing out of a mailbox. And he's like, he's riding the mailbox? But sexually. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I knew the only... Yes. Okay. Sure. I knew the only... Yes.

Okay, good. Can I... I mean, my feeling about this is you're being led down the garden path by the whole Mickey Disney thing. Right. And you should get right away from that. I think we should go very high culture. Can I say my first...

Good instinct. My first idea initially was that we should name it Goofy. But it sounds like you've got a non-Disney idea. Well, I was thinking of a poet. Just getting right away from the animated character. Well, you're a well-known public television viewer. You like art. Wine.

Exactly. Cafes. I thought... Sorry, one more. I thought I would go to Paris and buy... I didn't smoke. I don't smoke cigarettes. I'm like, I'm going to smoke a pack of cigarettes.

I don't know. I'm here by myself. I'm going to take off my clothes and smoke a pack of cigarettes. And I went to buy them. Oh, my gosh. The warnings on these cigarettes that they sell are so extreme. It's like babies who were born without bones. They just have photos of that on the cigarettes.

As a reformed smoker, I think it's all gone a bit far. Yeah. I mean, they're really not making it much fun. I mean, it was not. It took the fun out of it. It was fun, and now it's no fun anymore. Put a few bones in there, right, guys? Yeah.

Let the baby have a skull. A friend of mine who comes from Argentina said there's a real thing about the men that they don't want the impotence packet. They say, give me the cancer. Give me the cancer that they don't want the impotence packet. They say, give me the cancer, give me the cancer. I don't want the impotence. I want a hard cancerous dick. Exactly. Or a diseased baby or something, but don't give me the impotence packet.

I'll take the diseased baby. Speaking of matters classy, I know Nick... Ezra Pound. Yeah, I know that you... I mean, that works, right? I know that you wanted to... Oh, by the way, if you have a momentous occasion that you filled out, can you pass

it towards the end of the row? I know Nick, that you wanted to go classy with it. Yes. Poetry. Yes. Why poetry for that hefty lump? Because I think if you go with what it looks like

you're left with a name that you won't be happy with after a little while. You will call it Goofy, Mickey, Nigel or something like that. Is anyone in America called Nigel? I think we all thought of those three ideas. Goofy, Mickey and Nigel. But I would like to suggest Ezra Pound.

I kind of like it. Ezra Pound. Because he's given that mailbox quite the pound. Okay, Joe has a video store that needs naming. This is great. Just name it Closed in Three Months. It is a genuine video store that he is buying from another guy who opened it nine months ago

I feel I'm going to be blamed for something that won't be my fault I've got it since you're here Nick high fidelity high fidelity our final item that needs a name is Evan's dad. It's a man.

He and his wife, Gabriella, are about to become parents for the first time. And his father will be becoming a grandfather. And he needs a grandpa name. His wife's parents already have chosen grandma and grandpa. So grandma and grandpa are spoken for and he'll need a special grandpa name. Apparently he doesn't like Grandpa Julian, which is his name. He doesn't want to have...

Booby is the female Zetas. That's not the Hebrew. The brass addendum. Zetas? Is it Zeta? Yeah, Zeta. Zeta, okay. He doesn't like Zeta. He tried making up something in Hebrew, which is Abba Gadol.

That's a magic spell. Yeah. Apparently, this is real. This is in the email. Apparently, it translates to Big Papa. Apparently, he loves it when you call him that. We're back on your territory, I think. I think the problem here is that no one in the family actually speaks Hebrew,

and so they have just typed it into an internet translator, and they typed in Big Papa and got that. Did you see the guy, the American guy, who was wearing the Irish-themed shirt that he thought said in Irish, Blue Lives Matter, which is like a racist version of Black Lives Matter. But it actually just said Black Lives Matter. Adorable. Yeah.

So yeah, maybe we can describe this man a little bit for the folks at home. He's kind of a silver fox. This is not a... He's up there for all to see. Sure, yeah. The photo looks like he's a retired cop who writes thrillers. Yes. A real Bosch type.

Wow. Like Bosch. A real Bosch daddy. But he's already got nine grandchildren who call him Grandpa, so why throw in another name if that one's working adequately? Why are they so special with the tenth? You're just such a downer

on this whole thing. No, in my family we went by numbers, and that was fine. I mean, I... Yeastor again? I hate to suggest... Yeastor works pretty good for the yeast, so it'll probably work for this man. I hate to suggest something that's a callback

to when Helen and Nick weren't here with us, but your description of him as a silver fox immediately made me think that he should be called Foxy Grandpa. Deep cut. Anybody who was listening for that one? All right. They came to our show in England. How much do you think can you manufacture a family nickname? Is this something you can just choose and decide or delegate to strangers to choose? Yes. Do you need the kid to like lisp it when they're two and they can't really form the word properly and that's where you get

the nickname from? I can say this, that since I was a child, something that has changed, at least in my life now in Los Angeles, is that children's birthday parties are much more elaborate and everyone gets a gift bag. Like the Oscars.

There are a lot of Botox certificates in the kids' gift bags. The other thing that has changed is that every grandparent has to have a special name like i have uh i have me ma and pop pop staying with my wife this week while i'm away to help with the children uh and we went through a whole fucking thing to get to Meemaw and Pop Pop. Grandpa Lee, my dad, was just like, yeah, fucking, I don't know, Grandpa Lee. And that's fun because it sounds like an adverb.

He did it Grandpa Lee. In a grandpa-esque way. Usually I think it's just, it's like a way for older people to still feel like they have influence over their children's lives what's wrong with pop what about silver pop i i would like to loan a name one that's been tried and trusted in the uk with my own kids and their grandfather who have a similar situation and and they were looking or this has gone on for a long time with previous kids as well and his name

with all the daughters and grandchildren is Pish or Pishpi or Pishpa and it works I love it I know that he would be the only person in the US of A called that. How's that consonant spelt?

Well, yes, I like to think it's CH, but it's not pitch or pick. It's soft, pish. And I would like to get them together if he chooses to accept this nickname. No, he must. That's part of being a part of this. I think it would be a great thing, these two people to meet at some point. I mean, that'll add an international flavor to their family. Yeah.

Makes them seem classier. Yeah. It'll get them one step removed from being at the Oscars because Nick's been to the Oscars Sure Yeah, that's true You don't get a goodie bag, by the way Do you get anything?

Drink tickets? No, I mean there are drinks around but it's only the really famous people that get these incredible goodie bags Hey, it looks like we're walking away from the London Podcast Festival with a couple of blue mugs. Blue mugs, blue mugs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. More than I got from the Oscars. Is that a blue Oscars mug? Or they can just call him Old Bastard. Yeah, Pich Pich, a.k.a. Old Bastard. Sold. Old Bastard. Old bastard. Sold. Old bastard. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hello, Internet.

I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy. And I'm your wife host, Teresa McElroy. And together we present Schmanners. It's extraordinary etiquette. For ordinary occasions. We explain the historical significance of everyday etiquette topics, then answer your questions relating to modern life.

So join us weekly on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. No RSVP required. Check out Schmanners. Schmanners, Schmanners. Get it? Schmanners. Schmanners. Schmanners. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Here's the thing. A lot of you guys probably already listen to Jordan, Jesse, and Gow. And you know that mostly what we talk about on the show is the kind of stuff that you've heard us talking about to this point. Just silly stuff, light stuff, the kind of stuff that you use to take your mind off your troubles. Jesse, are you about to get serious?

Yeah. Do you have something sticking to get serious? Yeah. Do you have something sticking in your craw? Well, before we get to momentous occasions, and we will get back to momentous occasions, and guys, it's going to be a ton of fun. Bear with us for that.

Before we get to momentous occasions, I wrote, I have a quick written statement. Don't yell at segments we don't do anymore. I have a written statement here, and with your permission, do you mind if I read this statement? I think this is really going to,

I don't want to overstate it, but change the course of your lives in this nation. A lot of you know Jordan, Jesse, Go isn't ordinarily a topical program. We try to avoid the everyday rough and tumble of politics. It's just not our thing. Since we've been here in the United Kingdom, we've talked to a lot of great folks, a lot of hardworking, honest, decent family people. Family people who work hard and are always decent and work very hard. People with families.

And when we talk to these decent, humble folks, we ask what challenges they face, what troubles they're up against. I can see it. It's like three pages. I'm sorry. Themselves and their families. And again and again, they've come back to one theme. They tell me they need a champion. Someone with the courage to speak up. Someone who isn't afraid to make himself heard.

Someone who will speak truth to power. Someone who will stand up to these goddamned clowns in the parliament. You know, you and I, regular folks, we're just working hard, nose to the grindstone. up to these goddamned clowns in the parliament. You know, you and I, regular folks, we're just working hard, nose to the grindstone. Meantime, up in the House of Commons, these clowns are prancing around. Putting on a Christmas panto. I mean, look behind you. There's the people's work to do. We need people's work to do.

We need people making our lives better, not take that front man, Gary Barlow, spouting double entendres in a goddamned evening gown and the House of Lords. I mean, these people... These people are supposed to be wizened hereditary peers, not a bunch of puppets in a park with slapsticks beating the ever-loving shit out of other puppets. I mean, who's running this show?

The people of the United Kingdom or a puppeteer known commonly as a professor or punchman? I mean, is Joey the Clown there with a string of god damn sausage teeth two more pages I've got to be honest with you these yahoos really chap my hide

I mean what is this a legislative body or a freaking harlequin aid the largely silent 17th and 18th century comic performance form. Because I see a lot of Harlequin loving Columbine and a lot of Columbine's foolish and greedy father Pantaloon.

And I sure don't see a lot of laws getting written. They ought to be dealing with the repercussions of the Brexit vote, but these Pierots are too busy mooning around in floppy silk costumes and whitening their faces with flour. It makes me sick. And don't get me started on the lady in charge of this mess. I call her Prime Minister Joseph Grimaldi, the biggest clown of them all. I mean, this goof falls over at number 10 Downing Street, swanning around like the great Joey Grimaldi himself. Hey, Theresa May, are we running a country or are we performing a legendary pantomime interpretation of Robinson Crusoe? What is it, 2017 or is it 1819 and you're performing in The Talking Bird or Perizade Columbine?

Are you at Prime Minister's Questions or are you introducing your hit song, Hot Codlands, about a seller of roasted apples who gets drunk on gin? What is it, laws and people and hard work or goddamn roasted apples and gin? What are you? Going to damage your joints with your elaborate pratfalls and suffer from arthritic pain that leaves you sometimes unable to walk? Editing.

And then you lose work? Editing. And die alone of alcoholism? Is that what you're going to do, Miss Theresa May, a.k.a. Joseph Grimaldi, the legendary clown of the late 18th and early 19th century? And when you do drink yourself to death,

Miss Clown President of England, I hope you remember who told it like it is. Mr. Jesse Thorne, trenchant political truth teller and international hero of the red, the white and the blue. I came around on it.

I came around on it. Jesse? Jesse? Yes, sir. Jesse, when you broadcast that, would you mind saying on it. Jesse? Yes, sir. Jesse? Yes. When you broadcast that, would you mind saying, oh, bye, Nick, just before

it happened? Because it's a Friday night and people will think that I just sat here and listened to the whole thing. And that would make me seem really uncool. So just say, bye, Nick. Thanks for coming at all. Did you find it cathartic?

How do you feel? Oh, I thought you were talking to Nick. No, he's gone. I mean, I feel really good. I'm always glad any time I can come to another country and help them. really good. I'm always glad any time I can come to another country and help them. Hey, speaking of helping, we want to

help you to complete watching the show by doing our final segment, Momentous Occasions. So, we have a couple of Momentous Occasions in the crowd. Is there a microphone? How are we doing this? Yeah, there's going to be a microphone. Where's our Momentous Occasion cards?

Let's take a look at some momentous occasion cards. Nick Liao, ladies and gentlemen. MaximumFun.org's own. Okay, our first is going to be Katie. Where's Katie? Raise your hand big and tall. Katie? Katie G.

Yes, ma'am, right here. Katie, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get that microphone over to Katie. Pass it over quick as can be. Hi, Katie. Hello. How are you? Yeah, I'm okay, thanks.

Good start. Okay, here we go. When we do this segment in America, when we have a live show in America, and the mic gets over to them, the American is so relieved that now they can talk. It usually just starts with, what's up, motherfuckers? And then they eat a gun.

It's just so great that you said, I'm okay, thanks, because that's the most enthusiastic a British person has ever been. I had to write a letter of complaint to a neighbour last week. And there was a really, really, really insane party that went on all hours. And I know the people, these kids next door. And I began the card by saying...

Yeah, this guy's the king of lab lit, huh? I began the card by saying, last night was a bit much. And I showed it to my wife. I said, what do you think? And she said, well, you start off very strong. Watch your mouth. A little much. I think when British football fans go to... I've literally lost my voice. I think when British football fans go to Germany for that match,

they come out of the subway tube and go, We're okay! How about you? Sorry, you have a momentous occasion, man. Yeah, Katie, sorry. Sorry, you have a momentous occasion, ma'am. Yeah, Katie, sorry. Yeah, so last week I had my first ever pro wrestling class. Wow. For the folks at home, this may come as a surprise,

this audience member is wearing glasses and a cardigan. Now, everyone in our audience is wearing glasses and a cardigan. Now, everyone in our audience is wearing glasses and a cardigan, but I think this is probably the only one that has done a pro wrestling class. Are you going to call yourself something like the angry librarian when you actually go pro? My finisher, I'll throw books at people. Yes, good. Hey, Nick, do you think you've got one more name in you? Are you already a pro?

When you said it was a pro wrestling class, you just start off as a pro? No, I've just started. Okay. I mean, you have the disposition for it, ma'am. You'll be fearsome in the ring. What is class one? When do you hit people with a folding chair?

I guess I wonder. Not class one. Class one is basically throwing yourself around, hitting the floor, getting bruised a lot. So just kind of building up calluses then. Getting the confidence to hurt yourself.

How do you feel? Did you walk out of class one going, yes, this is where I'm supposed to be? Yeah, yeah. You sound juiced. Stoked, as it were. Yeah, I enjoyed it. It just hurt a lot. I mean, it's

professional wrestling. Yeah. Did you sign up for this because you've always wanted to be I mean obviously I'm sure everyone who talks to you says you know you should be a professional wrestler just based on your demeanor but did you

always want to be a professional wrestler or for quite a while yeah like six months or how long is this country Like six months? What the fuck is this country? Well, hey, I... Thank you very much, and I wish you luck on your pro wrestling career.

Where's Edwin? Edwin, you're the next to speak. All the way in the back there. Edwin, sitting alone in you're the next to speak. All the way in the back there. Edwin sitting alone in the back. Probably masturbating. Oh, for God's sakes. Sorry. I mean, it had been a few minutes. Yeah.

Edwin, what's your momentous occasion? So, I live in Orlando, Florida. Yeah, we can tell by your accent. Yes. My momentous occasion. So, I live in Orlando, Florida. Yeah, we can tell by your accent. Yes. You sound like Mickey Mouse. Is escaping from Hurricane Irma on one of the very last

flights out of Orlando Airport before they decided to shut the whole place down. Did you just decide to fucking, well, first of all, congratulations. I don't know what that i that's wonderful uh i'm glad that you i'm glad that you got out of there um uh did you just see the like the map on cable news and you're like uh fuck america i'm out of here no we're in london now yes yeah it's cheaper to fly to, like, Arizona or something.

No, I had booked my trip over to the UK well in advance, and it just happened to be the day that I chose to fly out. Oh, so you did nothing clever. No. No. Do you think it's possible that Hurricane Irma was actually God punishing Florida for not having Edwin anymore? It's very possible.

Edwin, congratulations on being here and being alive and relatively dry. Edwin, ladies and gentlemen. Where's Aisha? Aisha, Aisha, Aisha. Right over here. Hi, Aisha. How are here. Hi, Aisha. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. How are you? I'm well.

Just keep playing it down, guys. Keep playing it down. Drive some nuts. Why? Why aren't they yelling at us? I want the next person. An assignment from Aisha. We will get to you.

I'm excited to hear what you have to say. Take your time. The next person, an assignment from Aisha, we will get to you. I'm excited to hear what you have to say. Take your time. The next person. I will. The next person to get the momentous occasion, Mike, just fucking handle it like an American, please.

Okay, that's all. Aisha? Don't do it. When he asks you how you are say not too bad, thanks Can't complain Can't complain Bit of this, bit of that You know what, they're hyperbole and we're litotes

the opposite of hyperbole and that's the way we stay Helen Zaltzman, host of The Illusionist Every opportunity for a bit of learning. Aisha, what's your momentous occasion? Well, when I was 11, I went on a church choir tour of Westminster Abbey. Aisha, how old are you now? I'm 20.

20? Yeah. So you've just been hanging on to this. Let it go, let it go. I just realized, when fucking Aisha was 11, Jordan Jesse Goh already existed. Oh! And guess what else I just realized? We all die.

Not me, baby. Yeah, you speak for yourself. I never die. It's me, the mummy from earlier. Is that a mummy? Eh, forget it. Who cares? Aisha, okay.

So when you were 11, sorry. I went on a church choir tour of Westminster Abbey. Wow. Westminster Abbey is a famous English thing. Yeah, it's just a really big church. Okay, cool. Very famous. Dope.

And we were taken up to the organ loft, and the organ was made and put in for the coronation of King George VI in 1936, I think. How many momentous occasions did you fit on this card? All of the history of Britain. I believe that it is her momentous occasion's Golden Jubilee this year. And the guy who was giving the tour said, does anyone want to play the organ? My dad, at which point, picked me up, put me

on the stool, because I'd just started piano lessons. And the only thing I knew how to play was she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes. For those of you who don't know that song, that's a legendary American devotional hymn. So, yeah, that's my momentous occasion.

And nothing has happened in the intervening years? No, not really, no. That's the one, huh? Yeah, it's good fun. Could you possibly say that this evening has exceeded it? Definitely, definitely. So you've got a new one? Yeah, but I couldn't put that down yet has exceeded it? Definitely. Definitely. So you've got a new one?

Yeah, but I couldn't put that down yet, could I? From now on. Yeah, yeah. Where's Dave R? Thank you, Ayesha. Dave R is right down here. Hi, Dave. Thank you for standing up. Dave gets it. Hi, Dave. Hi, Dave.

Hi, Jesse. Oh, he's fucking American. That's what's going on. Hey, there it is. Typical, typical. Are you American, Dave? I am, sir, yeah. You see, we all knew it the moment he stood up.

It's like, what are you doing standing up? Just sit down like everybody else. Like everybody else. How are you guys doing? Folks, it's the Dave show. We're just living in it. Yeah. We're here for you, buddy.

Let's get Dave laid. Dave, what's your momentous occasion? I just arrived in London after spending a week at sea traveling on the Queen Mary 2, sailing from New York. Wow. The Queen Mary 2? The very same. Are you too queen, too merry? The third one will be called too queen, too merry?

The third one will be called Queen Mary, Tokyo Drift. Let's joke about the naming conventions in the Fast and Furious franchise. Was it rough? It was very calm the entire time. So no weather? None whatsoever. I mean, typical North Atlantic weather, you know,

cold and rainy and foggy. But no, the seas were perfectly moderate. Did your valet... I think you're getting the hang of it. Yeah! You got it, baby! Did your valet enjoy the crossing?

Unfortunately, I was not privy to the on-ship butler, but I made his acquaintance. How were the accommodations on the Queen Mary 2? Exceptional. The secret of the news. I don't mean to exaggerate, but it was beyond my wildest dreams. So we're talking sexual stuff.

All right, Dave, let's get real here. Did you do any boat fucking? Did you do any boat fucking? Did you do any boat fucking? I don't mean to be indelicate, but the ship's nickname is the world's largest floating nursing home. So you can imagine.

Hell yeah, Dan! Dave got laid, baby! Dave, ladies and gentlemen. Where's Andrew? Andrew. Andrew's right here in the center. Let's get a microphone to Andrew. Andrew's right here in the center. Let's get a microphone to Andrew. Andrew's looking good.

Thanks, Jesse. I've always wanted to hear that. Andrew is also American. And has also stood up and just chugged a Mountain Dew. I'm Canadian, actually, but I was just forced by this. I think Canadian. I'm sorry, I don't recognize Canada just forced by this. I think Canadian. I'm sorry, I don't recognize Canada. There's a Canadian on both sides of me right now. Anyways, I moved here recently.

I'm preempting your question by saying that I moved here recently and was very quickly invited to a party by some of my coworkers. What kind of, can I ask what kind of work that you do? I'm an architect. I just want to make sure that you get fired. You could name the firm and, yeah. And that party turned out to be a week-long rave

on an island in a Nazi bunker that was connected to land only by a tidal bridge. Hey! Everybody else who did one. I'm not trying... I don't want to downplay, I played Coming Round the Mountain on an organ.

Nine years ago. Or the very calm voyage. Yeah, or the nice voyage. On the elderly boat. Was that a party or a hostage situation? With beats. Andrew, was it like, oh, after work, we're all going down to the pub for a pint, and then we're going to drop some Molly and go apeshit?

It involved the smallest plane I've ever been on, which basically just fit the entire group that was going there. The plane was so small that one of the people had to sit beside the captain of the plane. Andrew, blink once if you have hunted the most dangerous game.

Andrew, ladies and gentlemen! Where's Dave? Where's Dave? Where's Dave? Dave. Dave, who's going to tell us about the ship again? You've got to be... Okay, where the fuck is Dave? Other Dave? Oh, there he is. Okay, Dave. You need to say Other Dave. Hi, Other Dave.

How are you? I'm doing well. Have you done anything in a Nazi bunker on an island for a week? No, it's on my to-do list. Have you fucked on a boat? Nope. Have you played an organ nine years ago? Yes, I have.

Dave, tell us, what is your momentous occasion? I proposed to my current wife while I was... Congratulations! Long overdue. While I was still married to my ex. Oh! Ooh. USA! USA!

So... Are any of them listening now? No, clearly not. You don't want people to hear this? Do you know what this event is? If you're trying to keep something a secret. Nobody will know.

That is true. If you do want to say something that no one will hear, this is a pretty good podcast to do it on, I guess. This is a safe space. Yeah. Dave, it's. This is a safe space. Dave, it's safe mostly from show business success. Dave, what

were the circumstances? Just laziness, really. Too lazy to get divorced? Never really following through on the paperwork. Whenever I'm tired, I'm at home with my wife and three children,

and I'm exhausted, you know, my baby's kept me up half the night, you know, so on and so forth, I'll wake up and I'll think to myself,

God, you know what I could use? An additional family. Let's double this up. Yeah. Dave, did you have to get it? Did you, like, get divorced or whatever you had to do before the wedding? Yeah, they're kind of strict here.

You know, you... That's not just in England. Polygamy is frowned upon. It's like, you know, here in England it's illegal to murder. I had to complete the paperwork first. So, okay. Other than

the bunker fucking, there has been a little theme here. And I think on the surface, this is an exciting, momentous occasion. It has to do with the end of relationships, the beginning of a new one, new love. But at its core,

it's a momentous occasion about paperwork. Folks, that's our show! That's it! We've been Jordan, Jesse Goat, Nick Hornby, Helen Zaltzman. Thanks to everybody at the festival. Our producer back home, Brian Fernandez, and our producers right here, Nick Liao, and the great Jennifer Marmer.

It's been a joy to be here with you in London, England. Good night. Bye. thank you.