Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 513: Martinelli Toots with Eliza Skinner

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

Eliza Skinner joins Jordan and Jesse as they forego their usual topic and instead have a nice chat about this year's motivational slogan, Eliza's Girl Scout gold award, and Jordan's harrowing experience getting an earbud stuck in his ear on an airplane. Action Item: What have you gotten lost in your body? Or pulled out of someone else's?  Call us!  206-984-4FUN

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we talk about 1970s skateboarding. Skateboarding before the 1980s. From Dogtown to Z-Boys.

To Z-Boys. Just that narrow window. But we're talking about and. Yeah. Our favorite conjunction. From skateboards that don't look like they should work to other skateboards that don't look like they should work in a slightly different way. Some are too fat.

Some are too thin. What's going on, skateboards from back then? Graphics with cool monsters. We'll talk about it. This week we're putting Santa Cruz on the map with a hand grabbing a thing. Right? Wasn't it? Santa Cruz skateboards with a hand grabbing an eyeball or something?

Boy, yeah. You know, we're just spinning our wheels with this show. Yeah? It's clear we've picked a topic that we don't know a lot about. Right. Neither you or I skateboard. No, sir. Not for me.

We're not bored. I'm bored by the board. And I think your contempt for the whole thing Shines through on this podcast No I'm excited listen to me That we've been doing for 11 years I'm here I'm excited to talk boards You're clearly not

There's bile in your voice That I think the listener Detects Why don't we do this Scrap the show. Show's over. Skateboards, never board. Show's over.

Yeah. We'll retool. We'll go back to the drawing board. Oh, God. I didn't mean to put board in there. I'll let it skate this time. Oh, God. Fuck.

What a terrible show. We should have done this before. Anyways, show's over. Right. In the interim. Right. Because we need to fill this time. We already rented this studio.

Let's take it forward through the 80s. Let's just chat today. Okay. We've got a guest in here. Someone that I think our audience really enjoys with a long list of impressive credits. She's totally radical. You don't have to. It's gone.

It's over. It's over. You can drop the facade. Radical. Whatever. Anyway, let's just chat today. And then whatever our new format is, whatever our new format is, I'm sure it will be specific and appealing. Something you can tell your friends about. Right.

And it'll catch on really quick. It won't just be people sitting and talking for an hour or so. Oh, God, no. No, that's no way to do a podcast. No one wants to hear that. No way to do a podcast. So let's just scrap skateboarding in the 70s. Next week, something different, a new buzzy format,

true crime maybe. Yeah. Just something I pulled out of thin air i think that i haven't i haven't heard of it but i'm interested in learning more let's just chat today but it's the only time we'll do this admittedly ill-considered format right okay should we introduce this guest that we have in here god i would love to beloved stand-up comedian comedy writer for television eliza skinner hi so do you guys not want to hear about my skateboard beloved stand-up comedian, comedy writer for television, Eliza Skinner. Hi.

So do you guys not want to hear about my skateboard? You have a skateboard? I've got a whole bunch of them. They're all from the 1970s, though, which wasn't really like the heyday of skateboarding. So I assume you don't want to hear about them. I know. Wow. I mean, it was good of us to book you.

It was a good booking. Yeah. But you just happened to be here on the day that the format melted down. Oh, no. I'm really sorry. Do you have other interests? None. Just the one.

That's it. Just the one. That's the only thing I care about. Skateboy. Wow. Oh, wait. That's not true. I do.

I also like wheels. Okay. Well, that's similar. I like boards. Sure. Okay. You were married to Tony Alva briefly. Sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you feel about bearings? Oh, are we talking ball bearings? Yeah. Because then I'm in. Okay, bad news. We're not talking about those. Oh, okay. Yikes. I don't really know what to... What about grip tape? Nope. Wait.

Yeah, no, that's an 80s thing. Got it. I'm a smooth, clean board. She likes a smooth, clean board. Sure. Well, so does my wife. Too board. She likes a smooth, clean board. Sure. Well, so does my wife. I like them too small. Little teeny smoothies.

Yeah, where it's like, why do tricks with that? That's my thing. Oh, you're going to roll an ankle on that teeny smoothie. Yep. Yeah, that's my thing. Eliza, when you came in today, the first thing I noticed on your lapel is a pin, an enamel pin of the female gremlin from Gremlins 2. The sexy gremlin. Then you corrected me immediately.

What I always knew is the female gremlin from Gremlins 2. I'll be honest. I did too. When I went into the store where I got it, they were like, which pin do you want? I was like, I would like the lady gremlin. They were like, lady gremlin? We don't have one of those. What are you talking about?

And they're like checking their list. You lunatic. And then finally they were like, oh, you mean sexy gremlin. I was like, okay. I mean, you've made more of a character choice on her than I have. Yeah, it's not the first time you've gotten that kind of snobby service at Bloomingdale's, though. It's true. I'm like, come on.

We're all just here trying to get our gremlins pins, bloomies. But yeah, yeah. And I got one of these. And then I went on a trip to Europe. I lost it in Paris and came home and was like, I can't not have my sexy gremlin. Ordered a second one. Nice. That's good.

So you're on sexy gremlin number two. Yep. This is sexy gremlins two. I feel like that's when you know you are a grown up member of the middle class. Yeah. Is when you lose or break something and you just replace it. You say, I'm not going to worry about this in between. That's why I have a job.

I'm going to have to replace this. These are for less necessities. Yeah, I can't not have this. Like sexy gremlin pins. So I'll just get a new one. The first time that I dropped my phone and broke the screen and then immediately took it to the repair store, gave them my $75 and they put a new one on, I felt like the richest man in the world. I felt like a Russian oligarch who'd stolen mineral rights in 1991 from Boris Yeltsin. Did you immediately smash it to the ground?

Again! I have all power! It's like in Mad Men where Don Draper would just drink his cocktail and then he'd just go to the waiter and go, do this again. Yeah. That but for a cracked phone. You know, I had a similar experience this weekend. Okay. I couldn't find the cat's nail clippers.

Oh, wow. It's exactly the same. So I went on Amazon and ordered a two-pack. Later in the day, I's nail clippers. Oh, wow. It's exactly the same. So I went on Amazon and ordered a two-pack. Later in the day, I found the clippers. I didn't cancel. I'm just going to get those. You're rich with clippers. I'm going to have so many clippers.

I'm going to put them. Here's the strategy. Okay. Usually the clippers are in a little cubby under the coffee table. Right. Because that's where the cat likes to relax. Right. You like to surprise him with it.

I like to surprise her, yes, with the worst thing that happens to her. Yep. And so, you know, she'll relax on the couch, and I'm like, you're in this relaxed state. Now's a good time for a nail clipping. Yes. But she relaxes in other places. The bedroom. Oh.

The hallway. Oh. These are the three places in my house. We're going to have a bedroom pair of clippers? A hallway clipper? And just so wherever she's relaxing, I can take advantage of the situation. Oh, so you're making it a nightmare for her. Yes. No, yes. There's no

place is safe. There's also just an electric clipper that swings on a rope. Yeah. It's like a Home Alone situation. I've set up traps, but they clip her nails. I watched Home Alone the other day. Oh, yeah?

With the kids? Yeah, with my children. They definitely, there is way less, I think Home Alone, if it were it made in 2018, would be, I mean, I guess it would be two and a half hours long because all movies are two and a half hours long now, but it would be 70% cans hitting Joe Pesci. And 10% to the, the, the montage where he's so excited that he doesn't have parents.

And then like 5% other things. but wouldn't it, if it happened today, wouldn't it just be his parents like texting him and being like, hey, we're coming home. This is who you can go to. And like texting a neighbor

and being like, come over and take care of my kid. No, because the texts are out. Oh, texts aren't cool anymore? No, Home Alone would have to happen. They're down. They're broken. They're broken. They're text-arming here.

The text lines fell in the blizzard. All the towers are down. It's going to take a week or two, ma'am. It's like a worldwide disaster. It's less Home Alone if it happened now and more like Mad Max. Yeah. Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah. And then Kevin has to fight off ravagers to protect his store of clean water. Yeah, exactly. To get to the water. Sure. And protect the women and their potential babies. Of course. I was shocked at the-

Home Alone Fury Road. Home Alone Fury Road. And he has a metal arm. I was shocked. We don't find his name until halfway through. Imperator Kevin Arnold. What's your name? I don't have a name.

Okay, it's Kevin Arnold. Was that Kevin's last name in Home Alone? Oh, I don't know. I think that's right. Okay. Kevin, anyway. I was shocked at how little cans hitting faces there was. Kevin McAllister.

Who's Kevin Arnold? Is that? Is that the guy I know? Is that? No, is that? Wonder Years. Wonder Years. Okay, I liked him better anyway.

I'm all right with that mistake. What I'm saying is. You wanted more hands hitting faces. There's like 15 minutes of that, and the rest of the movie is real boring for little kids. You know what that's like? Well, but it's an important story about a lonely old man, right? Yeah, there's a- Oh, yeah, the pigeon man.

The pigeon man church scene goes on- Yeah, it's pigeons in two. Pigeons in two. Yeah. Original flavor, just lonely man. Snowman. Okay's pigeons in two. Original flavor. Just Lonely Man. Snow Shovel Man. The volume of his speech has to be

three pages in the script. He just goes on and on and on. The actor does a wonderful job. In fact, one thing that I was impressed by. One thing I was impressed by with Home Alone is everybody in it is really great. I mean, you figure Catherine O'Hara is great.

But Macaulay Culkin is actually really great. He does a really fantastic job. And Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern are both really great. Joe Pesci particularly, like, really brings a lot to it. Oh, yeah. He commits. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you think that three-page script, are you sure it wasn't improvised? It wasn't like the monologue in Jaws? Yeah. Right. He was just like, roll the camera. Yeah. I'm going to talk about these bodies in the Japanese ocean. I got this.

And that's what happens when you work with Snow Shovel Weirdo. Yeah. You do one take, you get the lines. That's what we wrote. Now, what do you have? Now, play. Just we're going to roll. We're going to, you get the lines. Yeah, that's what we wrote. Now what do you have? Now play. We're going to roll. We're going to let you play.

Have fun with it. Jordan, Eliza, I have big news. Oh, gosh. The year is 2018. Ooh, the future. Regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners. Is food pills? Do we live in tubes? Are the tubes filled with food pills? Do we live in tubes?

Regular. Are the tubes filled with food pills? What of the tubes? My tube is named Rachel. You said, give me the Rachel. Yeah. She's my friend. Too stupid.

I'm trying to do a stupid thing here. Sorry, we're outst to do a stupid thing here. Sorry, we're outstupiding your stupid thing. Stay on stupid track. My tube's Louise. Oh, you got a girl tube. I got a, you know, I mean, I don't see gender. Sure, sure. I just see a tube.

Hey, time's up. Okay, so regular Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners know that each year we, excuse me, regular Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners know that every year we, excuse me, regular Jordan Jesse Go listeners know that every year we offer an inspirational motto or mantra. Yeah. I helped with the gorilla one one year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm your year starter. Yeah. Yay, Eliza. You're a classic guest. Last year's slogan was, let's punch a blimp. Yeah. You're a classic guest. Last year's slogan was, let's punch a blimp.

Yeah. It represented both a spirit of community and of seizing the day and of contempt for lighter than air vehicles. We had a lot of fun with that. Probably the highlight was when we found out that we had a listener whose father was the Goodyear executive in charge of the Goodyear blimp. Did somebody punch the blimp? Probably the low light of the year

was when that didn't get us anywhere near the Goodyear blimp. Yeah, total bullshit. Yeah. That was a real garbage pile. I hope they're not listening now. Yeah.

I hope they just tuned out forever. Yeah. And they realized what a failure they were. Yeah. Well, what a failure their father was for getting transferred to another department, certainly. Are there other departments? At Goodyear?

Yeah. Well, they make tires. I've never heard of them. Okay. I would love it if Goodyear was a blimp manufacturing company and the Goodyear blimp was an advertisement for how good their blimps are. Michelin makes a guide for food. That's it.

So every year we... And horrible tube men. Every year we have such a slogan that's designed to keep us focused and empowered throughout the year. Anytime you face adversity, challenges, difficulty, problems, problematics, aromatics. You're out of aromatics and you're about to roast a chicken.

What do you put inside of it? What kind of problem can you stuff in there? Yeah, you're going to need some onions and stuff. And so this year is no different. I do have a slogan in mind. Now. Yeah. We've talked a little over text about this slogan.

Right. Uh-oh. And you've got something in mind. Yeah. I want to just bring up something that happened today. Okay. Can I share something that was- Oh, God. This is like a couples counseling. Oh, yeah. We thought you were interested in two things. Skateboarding of the 70s and helping couples on the way to communication.

Are you not an MFT? I thought you were Eliza Skinner MFT. No. Marriage and Family Therapist? I have a Girl Scout Gold Award recipient. Ooh. Congratulations. Okay.

Hold on. What do you got to do to get that gold award? Oh, you got to put together a drama weekend for younger scouts at the council. Hell yes. Hell yes. I mean. I did it. Okay.

Drama weekend. Sure. Rent medley? No, no, no. I'm just guessing here. Just guessing. Rent medley? I had speakers come in.

I had actors, directors, a choreographer come in. Oh, nice. Do some Q&As. Yeah. Had them write some scripts. Can we guess who came in? Yes. Rip Torn.

Yes, he did. Great. Jordan, you got a guess? Rip Taylor? Both of them. It was confusing. Because I would write people's names on their water cups. Oh.

And I would just say Rip. And they were like, is it mine? Is it mine? Just put Rip T. Oh, wait. Yikes. Yeah. Can I guess another one?

Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Rip Clooney? Yes. Rip Clooney. No one knew. I call George Clooney Rip. Yeah.

That was when he was going by Rip. Because we're friends. Yeah. Well, he was going by Rip among his close circle of friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Richard Kind. Yeah. Was Rip Kind? Yes. Yes. Yep, yeah, yeah. Me and Richard kind. Yeah. Was Rip kind?

Yes. Yep. All the Rips. It was a Rip fest. It was a Rip curl. Okay. I just want to acknowledge that we received an unsolicited suggestion for our slogan for 2018. That's rude. Wait to be solicited.

However, I was so impressed by it that I didn't want to let it pass unmentioned to the point where I was almost prepared to declare it an honorary slogan for 2018. Kind of a sub-slogan? Yeah.

Okay. A sub-slogan? It's from someone on Twitter named Will. Oh, that narrows it down. Yeah. At the Willva. He tweeted, this is his submission for 2018, if we're still looking for a mantra. And he said, I had a dream last night where I found out that people said, get on the pot pie interchangeably with get on the same page.

So get on the pot pie. Get on the pot pie. We all have to get on the pot pie. Shit or get off the pot pie? I would be willing just to promise that in the future on Jordan, Jesse, go in situations where we might otherwise say get on the same page, we'll say get on the pot pie. Okay. Yeah, that's good.

That's inviting for guests also. Well, not to mention listeners. Yeah. What we need is more alienating nonsense. I feel like listeners enjoy that. Yeah. Like that's our secret code. I get that.

We have the glossary in our brains of Jordan, Jesse, go. I mean, it is like, I feel like they say you shouldn't pick. Whereas Byron Barrett, stop. They don't go for that. The dark version of this podcast from Earth 2. I feel like they say you shouldn't pick like a cultural reference as a password because people could guess it. You know, like you can't, you shouldn't like show me the money or something like that.

Damn Daniel. Damn Daniel. Now you guys know, I'll know my password. You're supposed to use numbers money or something like that. Damn Daniel. Damn Daniel. Now you guys all know my password. You're supposed to use numbers. Mine is damn Daniel 69. Sexy. Mine's damn Daniel 420. Oh, you're the one who got it.

You know, those damn Daniel kids are lookers. I'd like to see them 69. They're children. I think they're probably adults, and if they're not, I feel bad, and Brian should edit this out. Let's check on the age of the damn Daniel kids. If they're 18, I want to see them 69. If not, edit this out. Don't edit any of it out.

I have no power here. We got to get on the pot pie. We got to get on the pot pie. We are so far away from the pot pie. They're not hating. Born in 2001. Born in 2001? Born in 2001? They're six years old.

That's horrible. Yeah. That's horrible. How about this? 16. Okay, 16. I'd like to see them 69 eventually. For me, for a split second, it was 2007.

And that's so telling for me. That's where I live. It's cool. Let's all flat iron our hair. It was a good look. So I just want to acknowledge, get on the pot pie. Wear our belts a little sideways. Jordan, you said you had something that had occurred to your hair.

So this morning I was hiking because I'm an active Angeleno. Gross. I love the outdoors, documentaries, craft i love docs um anyway have you seen that talk about craft beers and hiking i have okay and i had some problems with it i have a lot of problems with it perfect perfect yes oh you hate a thing aimed at you? Yeah. Great. And, you know, it was a nice hike, really lively crowd out today. It was kind of nice. I mean, if this guy's listening, I got a nice, hey, Jordan Morris from the other side of the road.

It was a man. Were you hiking on a road? Oh, no. It's kind of, it's like around the local reference. It's the Silver Lake Reservoir. So it's divided up. So you were on a walk. It was a walk. You're right. No, I'm calling a walk a hike. I'm sorry. No, no, no. It's the Silver Lake Reservoir, so it's divided up. So you were on a walk. It was a walk.

You're right. No, I'm calling a walk a hike. I'm sorry. No, no, no. There's no incline. Anyway, it was a walk. I was on. I'm not.

Listen. So you had your glass like this. Nice guy. Says hi. He's a man. He's wearing a shirt in the Guitar Hero font that said Accordion Hero. I don't know specifically what he was saying, how this man knew me. I'm assuming Jordan Jesse Goh because of the shirt. It's a shirt someone who listens to our show would wear.

Then, if he had been wearing one of those Drake Owl shirts, he would have just thought that it was... It's like, did I buy a coffee from him? Yeah, right. This is a man i bought coffee from uh and then so you know i'm kind of in that in that zone of like you know saying hi everybody's around like hello this is a friendly space and then kind of someone runs past and then immediately does that thing where they pivot and turn around and run backwards and looked at me. It's an older man dressed in layers, which one of – it was like a – Was he a time traveler? It was a gray sweatsuit and like yellow shorts. He had to tell you something from the future.

He had a poster under his arm. I'm right. This all points to time traveler. I've got to tell you about 2019's labor rules. Look, I made a poster. Here's how to do the Heimlich maneuver. You're allowed to take this time off. Employees still must wash hands

before returning to work. He turns around, looks me right in the eye, and yells, regime change now. Smash the system. And then turns around and jogs off. That's a time traveler. It was a bit first, but that for sure is.

It's got to be. Yeah. He's like, we got to get it started now or it never happens. Well, I'm delivering the message to the world. I'm delivering his message. Good work. At the time, do you feel like you looked 420 friendly? I may have, yeah.

I may have looked like I had recently blazed. That might be your issue. Yeah. You're going to get more slogans yelled at you, yeah. I may have looked like I had recently blazed. That might be your issue. Yeah. You're going to get more slogans yelled at you, Jordan. It's true. So, you know, I mean, I did, I... Well, you also have

that slogan guy t-shirt. That's true. Tell me your slogans, hashtag slogan guy. Right, hashtag slogan guy. So anyways, I mean, I mean, I'm sure what you have is really good,

but if for some reason it's not up to snuff, we can always use regime change now, smash the system. Yeah, I think that's a lot of fun. Here's what I have. You know, I think 2017 was a very difficult year for a lot of people. What? Who? A lot of people.

Yeah, I had a great year. I had such a fun time under my rock. I had a great year. I had such a fun time under my rock. I had a great year. Oh, by the way, I should mention, I'm a corporate fat cat. Good job, Jordan. Boo! This! Like a cat would.

A lot of people say that we're the new Le Show with Harry Shearer because of our bent towards satire. And long stretches of side echo music. Dan Rather impressions. It's cutting and yet peppy. I want satire and washboard playing. Is there a public radio show for me? If Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw hosted the news together. Oh, I thought you were going to say made out.

This is what I think. Yeah, I'd like to see them 69. Can you check if they're 18? I can check and see if Dan Rather is 18. If so, I want to see him 69. What's that frequency, Kenneth? Wow, that's good. Thank you. I'm smart.

Yeah. So I think given that 2017 was difficult for a lot of people. Sure, sure, sure. I'll take your word for it. We want a slogan that will give people, I think, a kind of peaceful, stable, centered strength. Mm-hmm. And so I started thinking about what are the symbols of that sort of Pacific strength, that kind of power that comes from the inside. Salt. Salt crystal lamps.

And what exactly? Our slogan is salt crystal lamps. Our slogan is things from the Korean home goods store. As nonsense as meaningful. That's the slogan. I was thinking about giving people that powerfully grounded feeling. And the symbols – I came up with two beautiful symbols, I think. One is the rock. The mountain. Dwayne the rock.

The mountain. The mountain. No, we trusted Dwayne the Rock Johnson until in 2017 he betrayed us by saying that he was seriously thinking about running for president. I mean he's going to – the only way he would be beaten would be if Blake Shelton also ran. They got to team up. You split the ticket. Like, that's that. That's what you call splitting the ticket.

Yeah, that's like when I ran for student body president, but I convinced Alice Su to run for student body vice president because people liked and trusted her. There you go. Yeah. So she ended up going to Stanford. Hope you're out there having fun, Alice Sue. Nice lady. So powerful symbols. The rocks.

First of all, the rock, the mountain. It is immovable. It is quiet and peaceful. But it's also very powerful. Funnier than you'd expect. Yeah. Does a pretty good job with comedy. Yeah, good job in Reno 911 the movie.

Able to transition from genres. Sure. Has an HBO show still, I think. Yes, Ballers. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Had to check that with my brain. Yeah.

So first of all, that was the first symbol. Right. But then I thought, this isn't solely about stability. It's also about a kind of constant power. Okay. So what I shuttled on as a symbol for the power that flows from and through every one of us was the river. The power that flows from and through every one of us is the river.

So we're going from I am a rock to Jenny Mitchell's river? Yeah. So the river seems powerless, but through its constancy, through its perseverance, it's able to gouge its own way through the hardest rock. Very masculine, feminine thing happening here. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I personally would say that gender is a spectrum, but I appreciate your- Oh, I would say it's a construct, but okay. Okay, fair enough.

So I started thinking, I started playing with those ideas, the rock and the river. I started playing with those ideas, the rock and the river. And it also just so happens that a listener named Michael Lopez had tweeted at me a phrase that just came out of my mouth. I mean, as though I was Mrs. Noah's Arcade. I just opened my mouth and out it came. Or on an earlier episode. And I thought, well, this fits our themes perfectly. It's a beautiful expression of power. I think you're right that it captures the dual modes of humanity,

masculinity and femininity. Which are inside all of us. Yeah, exactly. Are inside each and every one of us in a complex interplay. And that is Each one of us, listen. I think maybe, this is a little bit hard to

grasp. Right. Okay. I think within each of us is a sexy gremlin and an electricity gremlin. Wow. Thank you. Sometimes, some would say a professor gremlin. Sure would say a professor gremlin. Sure. And a bat gremlin.

So many gremlins. Are we pitching a gremlins-based reboot of Herman's Head? Wow, that's complicated. I would do it, though, yeah. Wait, no, I think that was that Pixar movie, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, we're just talking about Inside Out at this point. Inside Out was a gremlins-based, I don't know if you've seen it. No, I didn't see it, but I understand.

It's hermit's advocate with Kremlins. Got it. Okay. Thank you. So Michael was kind enough to remind me of something that had just slipped out of my mouth in recent weeks that he felt would be a suitable slogan for 2018, and I agree. So I'm proposing to you, Jordan, and to a lesser extent to you.

I have no say. Eliza. Well, you'll be leaving later. Jordan lives here. Here in the shed, right? Yeah, not a great year for me. The slogan is Hard as a rock

Wet as a river Hard as a rock Wet as a river Like what's that about Yeah Right I just went through The whole symbolism of it

It seems like it's about Fucking like pretty bald face No First of all I want to be clear Okay This is not intended To be sexual

No no no It's not about sex It's just hard as a rock And wet as a river It's a metaphor It's a metaphor just hard as a rock and wet as a river. It's a metaphor. Right. For big hard things and wet soft things. I'm sorry if I'm capable of thinking in an abstract way.

Sorry if I'm not literal. Sorry if figurative language is one of the tools in my writer's tool chest. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. Oh, okay. All right. Well, apology accepted. Here's my thing.

I don't think it tells people what to do to the system. Should we blindly go along with it? Right. Or should we, I don't know. I don't know. What else could we do to the system? Was it resist now? What was it?

What was yours? It was regime change now. Regime change now. Smash the system. Ah, yes. Colon smash the system. What if it was hard as a rock, wet as a river, smash the system? It's a lot. It's a variety of things.

It falls into our classic pitfalls. Simply combining two different things that we like both of there you go but i mean i think that if you wanted to if you wanted to you know you could continue the sexual metaphor i mean you know what if the system is your lover's orifice? Yes, and you want to smash it. Sure. In a pleasurable way. That would probably work for your definition of what makes an appropriate slogan.

From my perspective, I would not like to have a sexual slogan. would not like to have a sexual slogan. That's why I thought so long and hard about picking powerful, symbolic meanings. Right. The strength of the mountain and the constancy of the mighty river. That's my proposal for 2018. My slogan for this year is no one to hold them, no one to fold them. Oh, wow. What inspired that?

I mean, Kenny Rogers, obviously. Fully. Yeah, just like over the past year, I feel like staying in situations both personally, socially, and job wise, career wise. Sure. Where I'm like, maybe things will get better or change. And instead of being like, this is what the situation is. Am I going to hold it? Am I going to fold it?

Move on to the next. Don't be afraid to fold. Well, yeah, there's always a next thing and you can't get to it until you fold. So like that, I mean, that's the whole game. That's the gambler. that's the whole game. That's the gambler. That's the whole thing with poker, right? Get into the next hand.

And then maybe you can move on to start your chain of roasted chicken restaurants. Exactly. Eliza Skinner's Roasters. It's mostly chicken fingers. Yeah. They can play piano. Well, Brian has worked very hard making a hard as a rock, wet as a river t-shirt. Hey, man, I'm into how sexy it is.

I'll say that. I was pointing out that it was sexy, but yeah, man. Thank you. Let's have a year. It's not a- People, don't be like, I'm not sure about anything. No. Go hard as a rock or wet as a river. One of the two. Or both.

I mean... Or fold them. Or fold them. I'm not going to tell anyone how to use the slogan. But again, I just want to emphasize it is not sexual in nature.

It's inspirational. Mm-hmm. Get it tattooed on your tits. This is about peaceful power. Which are used to feed children. Sure.

Publicly. Publicly. And the power of perseverance. Mm-hmm. Mm Publicly. In the power of perseverance. This isn't about hot, hard cocks. No, yeah. Or whatever you guys are talking about. It's not about anonymous sex outside of bars.

No. It's not about dirty sliz and bad daddies. No. There's an element of sliz in it. I'm not going to say, there's an element of sliz in it I'm not gonna say there's just a soup salt

of sliz but it's an owned sliz it's fully empowered sliz empowered sliz that's what gives it that punch when you throw it in there sure, it's slizzy I would say maybe a parenthetical slogan

underneath all of this for the year. Empowered slizz. Empowered slizz. Yeah. The shirt. Meow. The shirt. Now, here's the thing.

Yeah. I was worried that people would misinterpret the slogan. Sure. That they would think that it was sexual when, again, it's not sexual. Not at all. It's not any more sexual than the Boner Society was sexual all those years ago on this program. It's about aspiring to be a better human being. It's about building yourself up.

Sure. And so we're not going to have the – the words are not going to be on the T-shirt. OK. But you'll know what the words are when you see the symbols. A mighty mountain. Okay. With two little mountains right at the base.

And a deep rushing river. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. That like takes philosophy classes from the mountain. Like sits in the front row. Is this a... Are we into your live journal now? What are we talking about?

Is this an episode of Red Shoe Diaries? Yes. But it's behind a paywall, so I can't say anything else. But it is available to you for two weeks only at maxfundstore.com. So I just want everyone to know it's not going to have the words on it. But if you see it, you'll know what it means because you know about

symbolism. You're not a lunkhead literalist who thinks everything's about sex. Excuse me, if I was a literalist I would think it was about a rock and a river. I am poetic, so I know it's about sex. Got it.

So there we go. Also, as I said, it's about gender. It's about we all contain hard rocks and wet rivers within us. Yeah, I agree with that. Let's not let anyone else decide which we have more or less of. Yeah. Let's let them all rush along amongst each other. You know it.

Check in with yourself. How many rocks you got in a river? Fertile valleys. Every kind of terrain. What kind of crescent you got in there? Fertile or barren? Yeah. Oh, ouch.

Yeah. Well, you know, you got to check in with your body. Hey, man. Our bodies ourselves. That's what I say. I committed to my career. Yeah. And if we're, hey,

we're talking about the fertile grass. Don't neglect the hanging gardens. Oh, you know I won't. Yeah. One of the seven wonders. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Hi, I'm Ben. And I'm Adam. And we host The Greatest Generation. And we're here to announce a new show.

The Greatest Discovery is Maximum Fun's new podcast about the new Star Trek series, Star Trek Discovery. We're going to be recapping every single episode. It's going to be a limited run podcast, and we hope you'll join us. It's a show that we're really excited to watch, and we're really excited to talk about it and provide our signature f***ing fart joke coverage of a new entry in the Star Trek franchise.

So if you like irreverence, adult humor, irreverence again, and Star Trek, we really hope you'll join us on Tuesdays on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts to the greatest discovery. Oh, they made us edit dick out of the last promo that we submitted,

so... You should keep that part in the promo. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eliza Skinner, clankety car. Yeah, fucking sweet. Oh, shit.

Yeah, clank it along. Fucking Eliza Skinner just blew the fucking roof off this joint. Clankety, clankety, clankety. 2018's gonna be great. I'm on the way. Fucking clankity. System smashed. Oh, holy shit. Jordan, we've got some sponsors on this week's program.

We sure do. You know, hiring is hard, Jordan. It should be easier. I'm a small business owner. I can tell you this. Hiring is hard. Either it's nobody walking through your door or everybody and their uncle. Yeah. That's why if you've got a problem like Jesse's, you need some hiring, you're going

to want to go to ziprecruiter.com slash JJ go. Yeah. What happens when you go to ziprecruiter.com slash JJ go? ZipRecruiter posts your job to over 100 job boards with just one click. Then they actively look for the most qualified candidates and invite them to apply. No wonder 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site in just one day. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Right now, you can post your jobs on ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo.

That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Stitch Fix. Sweater weather's here. Yes. But if your last year's layers are feeling tired, give your closet a wake-up call with help from the style experts at Stitch Fix. Wake up, it's your pals at Stitch Fix. Wake up, get's your pals at Stitch Fix. Wake up.

Get a sweater today. Wake up. It's coming in the mail for you. Wake up. You're getting a deal today. That's great. You're not the only one that can improvise songs, Eliza Skinner. Oh, yeah, I am.

Yeah, that's true, actually. Stitch Fix. It's probably better than something Elliot did on the flop house. It's on par. On par yeah, I am. Yeah, that's true, actually. Stitch Fix. It's probably better than something Elliot did on the flop house. Yeah, on par. On par, I'd say. Stitch Fix is a new way to shop for clothes that does all the work for you. You go online, you answer questions about

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You get 25% off when you keep all five items. That's Stitchfix.com slash JJGO. Stitchfix.com slash JJGO. Hey, Eliza, you're headed to SF Sketch Fest too, right? I am. That's true. We're going to be there this very week, Friday night, January 12th, 10.30 p.m. at the Gateway Theater. It used to be the Eureka Theater.

It's probably where you've come to see us before, if you've come to see us before. Yeah, $25. We've got great guests on that show. Andy Richter from Conan. What a delight he is. Yeah. One of the most delightful. But the delights don't stop there. We also got Alison Rosen

from the Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend podcast. And we have the hip hop salsa sounds of Bionics. Yeah. It's going to be

a great show. SF Sketch Fest shows always are. Jesse, you're going to be doing the Judge Don Hodgman podcast the night before. Yeah, that's opening night January 11th

at the Castro Theater. We also have a really great music guest on that show. I cannot say who it is, but she is on this week's Bullseye. Okay. I can say that. You have to listen to find out or look at the listing.

Also, I'm going to be on the Obsessed podcast, January 13th, 8 p.m. at the Piano Fight main stage. That's going to be a blast. Our buddy Joseph Scrimshaw hosts that. He's a hilarious dude. The topic is going to be cats versus dogs. That's going to be a blast. Our buddy Joseph Scrimshaw hosts that. He's a hilarious dude. The topic is going to be cats versus dogs. It's going to get ugly. Oh, wow. What side are you?

Cats. Yeah, you are. That's when you know you're fucking holding the big guns for the live show at Sketchfest. Fucking cats versus dogs. Smarts versus cats. Doesn't get any realer than that. Yeah. Eliza, you're actually going to be on my wife Teresa Thorne's show, One Bad Mother, alongside Biz Ellis.

They're stoked about that. Yes. Have you told them that you don't have any children? I did. When they asked me to do it, I wrote them back and was like, but I don't have children. Are you aware of that? And they were like, yes, we're not idiots. We know that.

We want you to be on the show anyway. A woman with no children? Fair enough. Yeah. I'm excited about it. It want you to be on the show anyway. A woman with no children? Fair enough. Yeah. I'm excited about it. It's going to be awesome. I just heard, this is not public information, the topic may be swears. Oh, I love swears.

This is not confirmed. That's a rumor I heard from a highly placed source. I won't say who. It's got to be Biz. It was Kara. Yeah. Kara, the It was Kara. Yeah. Kara, the producer. Okay.

Yeah, so I'm really excited about that. That's the weekend of the 19th, right? Yes. And you must be doing a bunch of stuff while you're up there. I am. I'm going to be doing Set List and Brew Ha Ha on the 19th. And then on Saturday the 20th, I'm doing Shit Arcade. But before that, at 8 o'clock, I'm doing my show, Skinner Box.

Yeah. Which is an improvised musical. It's a full-length improvised musical. And I have a different guest every time. My guest this time is going to be Aaron Whitehead from Wild Horses, who's very funny. Yeah, absolutely. And the musical director for this show is going to be Avery Pearson. It's going to be really fun.

We'll improvise a musical. It'll blow your hearts out your butts. Every time you just make up the songs. Every time. Yes, that's true. As you go on along. Yes. Every time.

Yeah, you're saying. It's the songs. It's like I'm supposed to start singing. It's like this. That we love. Yeah. It's like a show where you think you know where it's going, then it doesn't go that way at all. And everyone thinks they know what is happening, but they didn't make the curtain call.

They don't know the things that... Yeah, all that shit. Can you sing a song about letters, please? We need to do some punch-ups on another podcast. Yeah, yeah, but it'll cost you. God damn it! Oh, please. We need to do some punch-ups on another podcast. Yeah, yeah, but it'll cost you. God damn it! Oh, yeah.

Sorry. Don't come cheap! Request cost money! Don't come cheap! Okay, SF... But that shows at Piano Fest. Come to see it. SF Sketch Fest

this weekend. Jordan, Jesse Goh, Judge John Hodgman and Obsessed. Next weekend, Eliza Skinner's musical box. Skinner Box. Skinner Box. Named after the BF Skinner, Skinner's musical box Skinner box Skinner box

named after the BF Skinner Skinner box there you go is the cat dead you'll have to come to the show to find out

is that it oh different box that's the Schrodinger's cat there you go you will kill a cat in the show though right every cat

every cat every show you kill all the cats that's a hard one to keep up because once you've killed all the cats no Andrew Lloyd Webber

set the bar and that's what I hit for every night. Now I read a book that says you need to save the cat. That's for screenplay. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, for a musical, anyone you find, you kill it, and it becomes Grizabella. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morse, play detective. Eliza Skinner, clinkety car. Will a guest beat that nickname this year? Oh, my God. No way. I got to tell you guys, I know you're committed to this hosting thing But being a guest on the show Means that you get to come up with a new one every time And that's pretty fun

I've been a magical pony I've been all kinds of things on the show So, yeah We like to create a safe space to explore Clankety clankety clankety clankety You're gonna be mad at your car later That it's not clankety, aren't you? Not clankety enough to smooth the ride.

I'm going to trade in my Prius for a Model T. Can I offer an action item for this week? Please. There's something that I want people to call in on. So a few weeks ago on the show, we had a discussion about losing things inside bodies. I think I complained that- Like butts? That has to be butts, right?

Yeah. Well, butts are mostly butts, but down the mouth hole could happen. Okay. Inside of a lady's hole. Thank you, Dad. I lost a earphone doohickey in my ear one time. No, you did not. Oh, boy. All the way inside? It was terrifying. my ear one time. No, you did not. Oh, boy.

All the way inside? It was terrifying. Oh, my God. What do you mean? Was it like the screen from the... You know the little rubber knob that sometimes the earphones will have the... Oh, gosh. I guess I have to tell the story now.

Okay. How was this not part of the story last time you guys talked about losing things and bodies? Maybe it hadn't happened yet. I don't know. Anyway, so real quick. I was on a plane. Oh, we were coming back from the London Podcast Festival. Yeah.

A lot of fun. Great. So sometimes I'll just put in my earbuds on a plane, you know. We'll do that. In case somebody asks you if you're a comedian. Sure, yeah. To account for chatting, babies, et cetera. Plane noises.

You just put the earbuds in. Everything's a little less bad. Sure. So I have these buds in, not really listening to anything, and I nod off. And then I kind of wake up a couple of minutes later, and I yank the buds out. And I notice that the little rubber piece isn't on the buds anymore. And I'm kind of like feeling around for it. And then I kind of like do that.

And I'm like oh my god it's in my ear so I go in to get it out and I cannot feel it except for a little brush of the tip against my finger and then I like push the side of my head and I can feel it touching my skull

like my jaw I can feel the little rubber piece touching my bone jaw. And you jumped out of the plane. And then I died. And now I'm a ghost. Okay. And so I like pushed the flight attendant button.

And this is a international airline. So the flight attendant does not speak English. Oh, that's illegal. Yeah. So I'm kind of like, I'm kind of going like, um, where we got to build that fucking wall around planes, around planes, not, not a country. Uh, so I'm kind of like miming. I, so I was like, uh, tweezers.

I need, is there a first aid kit with tweezers? I have something in, I'm pointing to my ear and she kind of like looks at me and then goes back to the little flight attendant area. And they're like, they're like, she's, I can see her talking to the other flight attendants and – He wants me to kiss his ear. I don't want to do it. Yeah. American pervert.

What do I – and then so they – she finally kind of comes and gets me and brings me back and I'm kind of explaining this to a group of flight attendants who all I feel like think I might be insane. There's something in my head. You know, like I don't like it just sounds like the complaint of a crazy person. So finally, you know, somebody has a pair of tweezers and they're all kind of standing around me. And she's going in my ear with the tweezers and just kind of coming out with nothing and shrugging. It's like, there's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing. And then I take the tweezers from her

and I get in there and I can feel it catching on stuff, but it's just ear hair. I'm pulling out ear hair. And then I finally get a little bit of it and I just yank it out and we all go, yay! And then I went back to the seat and she brought me a free cookie box. Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

That's so kind of her. And when I- That's why we got to build that wall. Yeah. For more cookies. And then I remember when it was in there, like thinking about what's going to happen to me and I pushed the little button on the screen for how much time is left in the flight, eight hours.

Oh, Jesus. I'm like, what happens? Do I just go deaf if this is in there? What about those people? There's a whole class of people who go on airplanes with a cold, and then when they land, their ears have exploded, and then they never hear again. That I don't think is true. That shit happened to Jill Scott.

And she never heard again, or it healed. She got the finest medical care available. If you burst an eardrum, it can heal. Well, she healed that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We agree.

I had a friend in college who was pretty cool in punk rock. I'm good at cool punk rock shows. But we were also poor, so we wouldn't buy earplugs. Yeah. So at the cool punk rock shows. Sum 41. The Offspring. No.

Cool stuff. Okay. Eliza and I have compared punk rock childhoods before. Hers is so much more credible than mine. Hers is so much more credible than mine. Mine is like a DC. Right. DC, hardcore,

matinees. Growing out of Fugazi kind of stuff, like Snap King. It's angular. It's more angular. Yeah. It's like emo hardcore, but like emo and not like how you know it. It's more like yelling about feelings. So they would make earplugs, like

makeshift earplugs out of toilet paper from the bathroom. And I didn't know that apparently some of the – I think of this as like the guys thing, but maybe some of them were doing it too, would like wet the toilet paper. I would just like kind of make a little earplug and shove it in there. And I guess they would wet it and put it in there. You got to wet the paper. I guess. And one of my friends was having a hard time hearing and he went to the doctor and was like i can't hear out of this ear and the doctor looked in there and was like um what the fuck is this

and pulled out like months like makeshift earplugs? Yeah, that had just compacted and compacted into a gross paper mache inside of his ear hole. Oh, boy. Yeah. So don't do that, kids. Don't do that. Spring for the earplugs. Spring for the plugs. Spring for those nice orange plugs.

So I mentioned this because on – so I had claimed that not enough – that no one had ever called in with a thing lost up their butt. I think is what the claim I make. To your show specifically. Yeah. Okay. That it would be momentous if you lost something inside of you. You should call momentous occasions when that happens because someone did call that number and it was the first time. Apparently many people have called in on that subject over the years.

I don't listen to this show. I don't care for it. But apparently I was wrong about that. I misremembered. Some folks were kind enough to point that out. And then it turned into a list of everything that people had lost inside themselves. And you're going to freestyle rap it?

Starting from Joe's... Your name is Jesse and you're going to freestyle rap it? Starting from Joe's. Your name is Jesse and you're here to read things people have found in their butts. Good first job. Sure. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. We'll fix that in post. I'm saving my bars for Funk Flex.

I mean, it's like Joe lost a Mardi Gras bead and two different people. And that's not the thing that Joe needs. Found pebbles, lost pebbles in their ear. One guy said he had a pebble in his ear for 11 years. Whoa. My mom had a bug in her ear. Okay. So one person said, an earwig, this is Alex.

He said, an earwig once crawled into my ear in the middle of the night. I was certain it was all a dream until it fell out a year later. Yeah, that means a past lover is still in love with you. If an earwig goes in your ear? Is that like a Victorian superstition? No, I'm just deciding that. That makes you feel better about it. It tracks.

If it happens, you'd be like, oh, no. Oh, but wait. He's still thinking about me. Sure. If it happens, you'd be like, oh, no. Oh, but wait. He's still thinking about me. Sure.

Anyway, I want to know what you have lost inside you or have had direct experience with the loss of. So that means maybe you're a medical professional and you helped extract something or you saw something on when the doctor shoved the X-ray up into the X-ray viewer machine. It's like, oh, well, there's an example I'm reading here, a carabiner. I'd say extra points for something that fell in during surgery. A carabiner is wider at the base than it is at the right. Is it? I think it has a slim end and a not slim end. Yeah. So do you think they put it in the wrong backwards or the wrong way around? Only one way to find out.

Yeah. Can you get us some carabiners, Brian? I was going to say we should listen to the call. Oh, got it. So give us a call at 206-9844-FUN or email

us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Feel free to include, I guess, photographs. Extra points if it fell into a surgery or if it's a junior mint. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No doubt about that. 100%. Give us a call if you weren into a surgery or if it's a junior mint. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No doubt about that. 100%. Give us a call if you've worn a puffy shirt. Give us a call about nothing. Sure. A call about nothing. That's essentially what they all are, right?

Yeah. Give us a call if you're a little racist looking back at you. Like medium. Yeah. Not a deal breaker. No non-white people in your world except for caricatures. Who are bad and annoying. Who annoy you.

There are white caricatures, but there's not only white caricatures. But that's your main life. Just a bunch of white caricatures. So anyway, whatever it is lost. I don't want my brother's sister. You have to have been indirectly involved. So you have to have touched the thing? You either put it there, got it put there, or took it out. Or helped take it out.

What if it just melted? Or it happened to your mom or dad. Wow. Also include moms and dads. Or your children. Family friendly. Basically, if your child put something in somewhere, you did it. That's your fault.

You're a bad parent. This is a wide net. We should be getting a lot of calls. Yeah. 206-984-4FUN or JJGoAtMaximumFun.org. Now, when something momentous happens to you, like you pull a carabiner from a butt, we ask that you call us. That number again, 206-9844-FUN for our beloved signature segment, Momentous Occasions. Briefly forgot what it was called, but I remembered it again.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Jess. Calling it a momentous occasion. I went to an insane clown posse concert last night and had a very deep conversation with Violet J, one of the two fellas from the band. I'll leave details out, but suffice it to say, he's a complicated dude, super nice dude, and I don't know if this makes me a juggler now, but if it does, then whoop whoop.

Thanks, bye. Whoop whoop indeed. Whoop whoop, madam. A hearty whoop whoop to you and yours. I was on the internet, just putzing around the other night. I watched a long video that a rapper named R.A. the Rugged Man did talking about what a beautiful experience he had touring with the Insane Clown Posse briefly. What a beautiful experience he had touring with the Insane Clown Posse briefly and how while juggalos were not hip hop fans, they were good people who had been very notably kind to him. And he had never been in such like a warm, beautiful place as touring with as touring with the Insane Clown Posse. Not the the angle we've heard from anyone before.

Yeah, not the tequila reports. No, no, no. To be fair, could it have just been they happened to have been hurling feces and she had walked on stage? Maybe it wasn't at her that they were hurling the feces. I mean, I've heard from other people also some intense unpleasantness

at their shows. It's an interesting situation that this caller finds herself in which is seeming like she just happened upon a ticket. Now I feel like I've gone to some shows like that where a friend has an extra ticket.

What'd you see? Oh, you know, Sifjan Stevens. Oh, well that's... Something has an extra ticket, but... What'd you see? Oh, you know, Sifjan Stevens. Oh, well, that's... Something that I'm like, hey, I'm not a huge fan of. This also will probably be a fun evening. Sure. Maybe they'll sing those great Christmas tunes.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Enjoy those. What was it, States? Did he do the States? Yeah, he kind of bailed on that, right? Yeah, he bailed on that pretty much immediately, didn't he? Just too many States. He maybe said he was going to write an album about every state before looking into how many states there were.

Yeah. To be fair, he said it in the early 19th century. So there were many fewer states then. That's true. Yeah, there was like seven then. Yeah. Then he focused on those nice elf songs. I had that happen with Jamiroquai and it led to a pretty

deep Jamiroquai hole for me. So maybe Jamiroquai is one of those things where you don't see it until you see it live. Whoa, this is my jam. All of it. My jam. Iroquai! Where do you see a Jamiroquai? Where's he playing these days?

That's not a him. You're thinking of JK, the front man of Jamiroquai. Oh, is Jamiroquai a band? Yeah. I thought it was the guy with the hat. Just like Sade. No. Sade is also a band.

The guy, yeah, the guy's a guy. The guy's a guy. They're playing Coachella. Okay. I noticed that in the listing and I was like, do I need to go to Coachella now? Well. I think I might have to go to Coachella now well i think i might have to go to coachella this year um yeah i saw him play in new york i think at like roseland okay and uh yeah

blown away yeah it was my high school boyfriend had a friend in town who had a free ticket and he was like will you go with my friend and i was like uh all right whatever and as i said i was like a punk kid hardcore kid i'm like jamiroquai like that and then i was like, uh, all right, whatever. And as I said, I was like a punk kid, punk hardcore kid. I'm like, Jamiroquai, I'm like that. And then I was like, I love it. Yeah. Maybe there's a,

maybe there's a, maybe there's a dark corner I can smoke in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jamiroquai are frankly pretty good. They're amazing. Yeah.

Um, yeah, I was, I was really into it. And then my high school boyfriend got mad at me for, uh, after the show. I was like,

bye dude. And I guess didn't make out with his friend. And so that was a weird aspect. Oh, that is very weird. Yeah. I'm like, I didn't know that I guess didn't make out with his friend. And so that was a weird aspect. Oh, that is very weird. Yeah, I'm like, I didn't know that was part of this. Are you sure this was your high school boyfriend and not your pimp? No, because my pimp called me later and was like, I have work for you.

My pimp was like, I'm going to take care of this high school boyfriend. Yeah, yeah. No, my pimp just mostly sends me on voiceover auditions. Right. I did my age, but not a pimp. I had this, oh, my God, they're so good experience. I've talked about it on the show, but with Scorpions, the band behind Rock You Like a Hurricane, they've got other songs. Are they all in German?

Yes. Maybe something you don't quite get from Rock You Like a Hurricane, thick German accents. And stage patter leads me to believe that they maybe like memorized the songs phonetically. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah. Yeah. That means they're committed to their audience. But yeah, I have definitely thrown on a little Scorpions on the old Apple Music pretty regularly since that show. I think the moral of this call and our experiences is be careful who you see play live.

Yeah. Because they'll be great. You might accidentally get into them. Yeah. Can I recommend anybody who gets invited to a fucking Usher concert? Whether or not you even like one Usher song. Why would you not like them all? I'm not that big of an Usher fan. What? But I went to the Usher concert. That shit was dope.

He's amazing. That shit was dope as fuck. I worked with him on Drop Dead. Look at that tiny little Michael Jackson. I worked with him and when he showed up, he didn't like the verses we had written for him and he had rewritten them himself

and didn't like his verses either. So it became a whole day of me sitting in a room with Usher rewriting... Oh, hell yes. ...raps. And just like pitching ideas at him to the point where I started

making fun of him to him. Oh, wow. And Raps. And just like pitching ideas at him to the point where I started making fun of him to him. Oh, wow. And like making Usher laugh at roasts about him was like one of the highlights of my life. What's the like joke zone about Usher? What do you mean? Like, you know, if you were to make fun of like Jay-Z, you'd be like, oh, not attractive enough for Beyonce. Oh, release that album on a phone. Old.

You know. Huh? Old. I would say the classic hip hop insults of Jay-Z. Old looks like a camel. Okay. What are the usher salts? It's like not, basically for all of the insults, it's whatever you want to be, you're not enough of that.

So for him, it's like he wants to be sexy. Like you're not as sexy as him. Okay. Like you're not actually sexy. I think we had a couple burns in there about Chili, which I think actually might have made him feel bad because I think they had a chance. I think they were like they could have gone the distance. So many things got in the way.

But yeah, it's mostly sexy stuff and maybe some like a lot of puns about his songs. But he was making fun of Anthony Anderson. So I was mostly pitching him jokes about Anthony Anderson and how goofy he looked. Sure. And he had a good time about that. My greatest fear based on looking back at this Usher experience is that I would get invited to a Bruno Mars concert.

There's no way I would go to that and not enjoy it. I mean you would – That's all he is. He's the most amazing performer working currently. He's exactly the most entertaining human being in the world. That said, I can't stand him. Makes me completely insane. What?

It's just a total nightmare. Why? What can you not stand about him? Do you not like songs that are perfect for having sex at picnics? Because that's all his music. Janine Brito, past guest on this program, beloved stand-up comedian. Close, tight friend of mine. Wrote a tweet that said, Bruno Mars is like Prince if Prince was born and raised in a Target.

Bruno Mars is like Prince if Prince was born and raised in a Target. And that's I just feel like we're not I don't want to get too deep into it other than to say I don't care for him or his music. Products that are perfect and accessible and yet elevate your life and make you feel stylish and sexy. And Bruno Mars and make you feel like you're having sex but looking out for ants at the same time. I don't know about you, but for me, that's what I like. Thank you! That was a great reference you guys missed.

What was it? That's what I like. Oh, that is good. Thank you. Hey guys, can we wrap this up? Why do you have to go uptown? Good, good. It wasn't as good. It was good. Yes, it wasn't as good. It wasn't as good. No, it was good.

It was good enough that, I don't know, it makes a dragon want to retire. I don't know. It doesn't do that. That is one of my favorite lines, though. I'm a lesser lakeside. I'm like the band Lakeside, but a little less good. Just a little less good. I'm a significantly worse Michael Jackson.

Notably. She really loves Bruno Mars. I love Bruno Mars. But here's the thing. I also like pudding. Is it difficult to eat? No, but I love it. I'm not an idiot.

Is it challenging me? No, but I love it. I understand that if I watch Bruno Mars perform live for an hour, there's no way I could withstand that. Is this a can of pudding

or is this a... Oh, you're fancy. See, there you go. You guys get together with your We're Too Good for Pudding and Bruno Mars perform live for an hour. There's no way I could withstand that. Is this a can of pudding or is this a... Oh, you're fancy. See, there you go. You guys get together with your We're Too Good for Pudding and Bruno Mars and I'll be enjoying my life. You know what's good? Banana pudding.

Nah. I guess I'm thinking of a can. If you use a can of pudding, sometimes a little cap comes off. I was literally turning against pudding here. I mean, when I said pudding, I didn't mean banana pudding. Got it. Okay.

I meant butterscotch, chocolate. I understand. All the rest of them. Let's take another call. Oh, wow. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Don in Milwaukee. I have a moment of shame.

A couple days ago, my back went out while I was wiping. And I immediately shot straight up. I could not finish wiping. My pants were around my ankles. And so I shuffled around the house and got a duvet cover and wrapped that around my body. This is while my roommate was banging his lady friend. So I don't know if my Yelp was just drowned out by her screams of passion or if they were just ignoring me.

But it took about four or five hours before I could actually fall onto the bed. And then I had to wait another couple hours until my wife got off work to put real pants on. But I think I hit a new low if I hurt myself wiping my butt. Can I tell you guys something? Yes. I've been married now for, I don't know how long, eight years or something.

Oh, I thought it was 14 years. Eight or nine years. I don't know. I think it's 14. My wife and I have been together for 19 years. It's almost 20. and I have been together for 19 years. It's almost 20. We share a great love, a tremendous love. I absolutely would leave work if she wanted to put pants on but couldn't.

If she called me desiring pants but unable to don them, I'd cut out early or excuse myself for an extra long lunch break that actually would be helping my wife put pants on break. Well, did he say what his wife does for a living? Because you do have the type of job where you could do that. And there are some type of jobs where. That's true. She could be a surgeon. She could be in surgery. She could be president in the united states yeah maybe she's president and she couldn't go sure she couldn't cut out

yeah um yeah i i get what you're saying i do remember being in a being in a relationship god what was you know a decade or so ago when i used to do that. And I had food poisoning and realizing like, oh, I need to have – my boyfriend has to come home. I need to have help. I am poisoned. This is being poisoned. After having a few hours of like, I can figure it out. I can't move, but I can figure it out and realizing like, oh, that's what partnerships are for. People changing their plans so that they can help you.

Is it – should a married couple have a roommate that's what partnerships are for. Right. People changing their plans so that they can help you. Is it weird? Should a married couple have a roommate that's banging? I don't know. Is that weird to anybody? You think they should have a whack roommate? Yeah, who's not banging? Yeah. Damn.

I mean, I could see. Your roommate be banging. I could see having a- I know a lot of people who've lived with married couples. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I mean, it always sounds like a nightmare to me. Sure.

But like people do it. Okay. I mean, it always sounds like a nightmare to me. Sure. But, like, people do it. Okay. I mean, yeah. Well, anyway. There's just no equanimity. There's no, like, you got no chance in that kind of household. Right. Yeah.

Always going to be two against one. Sure. Or you're fucking with a relationship. That's not good. Something that I have learned, I think. It's going to lead to an uneven chore wheel is I think what you're saying. There are people in the world – and this is something that I still grapple with every day – who don't combination fear resent everyone they meet. So for me, I think the idea of living with any more people than is strictly necessary in any situation is abhorrent.

Even if it's someone wonderful. My friend Nathaniel that I lived with my senior year of college. Nathaniel's a joy. First thing I wanted to do was get as far away from all other. I've been in love with, I was in love with my wife six years before, five years before we even lived in the same room with each other because i it took me that long to convince myself that it would be okay for other people to be around making decisions but i think there are people who enjoy it that's true i i have long enjoyed living on my own um i've lived by myself for a very long time with like a brief window

where I lived with a boyfriend who was then a fiance who was then a nothing. That's the way things go. But I remember when I first started coming out to L.A.

to visit L.A. I would stay with friends and I would go back to New York and be like, oh man, L.A. is great. In L.A.,

in L.A. when you wake up, like people are like making breakfast and like making pancakes and stuff. The whole city. And you talk about things. You have coffee together. And then at the end of the day, when you come home in L.A., people talk about stuff.

And you're sharing what happened. You watch TV together. L.A. is great. Oh, that's not L.A.? Maybe I want to live with people. Yeah. Maybe that's the okay thing. And I enjoy traveling with friends and so having that in the okay thing. And I enjoy traveling with friends

and so having that in a finite amount. But I do still, for me, living on my own is a lot more about I'm a bad roommate and don't want that to weigh on my relationships with other people. I am just terrified after several years of living alone that I am so weird now.

I have no way to judge how weird I am because I suspect that I am very weird. You're going to have to put in a camera system. But the honest truth is, Jordan, that's weird in and of itself. Sure. Yeah. I guess I could live stream my life and crowdsource this to the Internet. But what if you throw your back out while you're wiping? Yeah.

And then you have to hobble around in a comforter cover. At least someone would hear his yelp. That's true. I think I, in that situation, I die in three days. I immediately, by the way. Caddy to my face. Yep. As soon as he said that the-

Well, he'd probably start with your butt. That's true. That the banging couple didn't hear his yelp, I immediately imagined that his response to this situation was to write a negative review on Yelp. Of the duvet cover. And hope someone would message him back. People just were like, oh, this is a funny one. Yeah. Liking the response.

Sure. It's his version of when DJ Khaled was trapped on that jet ski. Yeah, exactly. Tell me more. This is the famous Snapchat thing. He had his jet ski ran out of the gas and he Snapchatted it until someone saved him. Oh, I didn't know about that. You know, he's like the newest spokesman for, was it Jenny Craig?

Oh, that's fun. Was it Jenny Craig or- Weight Watchers. It might have been Weight Watchers. One of the two, but whatever. Hey, fellas. He's got those points. No shame.

Yeah. This is a point system. Get with Jenny. How many points is a bottle of champagne anyway? Four. Don't you feel like, I feel like Khaled, if you're DJ Khaled, put yourself in those shoes. What do you think, three bottles of champagne a day? Yeah.

I mean, plus it's your cheat day. Well, wait, are you recording or is this like, are you in the studio? No, I don't think you're necessarily in the studio at that moment. Does he even particularly go in the studio? Yeah, of course he does. He has to... Yell his catchphrases before the rappers rap. He has to get on and be like, Major Key!

I'm still famous! That's another one! If you've got that kind of record producer lifestyle and you're watching your points, do you think it benefits you to sneakily switch out the champagne with Martinelli's? Oh, interesting. I would have just thought a drier champagne. Yeah, because the Martinelli's, that might get you tooting. No.

And recording. Might get you the Martinelli toots. You're going to end up with a lot of toot points. Which is my burlesque name is Martinelli toots. Oh, I would see that show. I hate burlesque. You got a little sequined bowler, right? Yeah, right.

I have a little sequined bowler and a little apple pasties. Ooh. And then my skirt blows up. Yikes. Because of toots. A little keyboard tie. Yes. It's only to Rick Springfield songs. If you're DJ

Khaled or something is momentous has happened to you, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go. I'm Riley Smurl. I'm Sydney McElroy. And I'm Taylor Smurl.

And together we host a podcast called Still Buffering, where we answer questions like, Why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? How do I be fleek? Is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? And sometimes we talk about butts. No, we don't. Nope. Find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager.

And I was too. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. No. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Eliza Skinner, clankety car.

Sorry, I started laughing at something that Eliza said right before I started this segment. Eliza says a lot of funny stuff. We were talking about who... Oh, stop. Keep going. Actors that could do a rom-com, even if you wouldn't think they would normally do a rom-com even if you wouldn't think they would normally do a rom-com and there are a lot that I would like to see but also

mostly because I would enjoy the failure of it yeah like LeVar Burton for instance he could do it he could do it

I'm talking about right now right now soft yes 65 year old absolutely a late in life rom-com with LeVar Burton

oh like a Nora Efron thing. He's got a nice kitchen. Yes. Get him on the Hallmark Channel. Absolutely. I could definitely see the Hallmark Channel shit. See?

See? He gets a Christmas puppy from Dean Cain. Oh, he's not good. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, is he a bad? A little bit. Oh, okay.

Let's replace Dean Cain in my goof with, oh, I don't know. I was about to say Kirk Cameron, but I'm like, whoops. Who are the non-bads who could be in a Hallmark Channel movie? Wow. Luke Perry. Sure. Luke Perry. Yes, give it to Luke Perry.

Yeah, yeah, I could see that. It's just a lot of those action guys that can't really cross over even some of the ones that supposedly can can't like i don't know you're ben affleck's and you're matt damon's sure are they rom-com fellas i don't know i mean really really oh come on for instance i mean come on now come on mean, who are the rom-com fellas besides Hugh Grant? Yeah, I mean, I think it's a genre that is now relegated to your Hallmark channels. We haven't had that pretty woman style movie in a while. Michael Sheen, is he in rom-coms?

I think he's, yes. He was in Home Again with Reese Witherspoon, but he was a bad guy. He was her ex-husband that the young boys who lived with her were like, you deserve better than her. Come on. I mean him. You deserve better than him. Where'd my shirt go? Yeah, fully.

Yeah. What about the Beeper King from 30 Rock? Oh, that guy? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, dummy, I love you. That's hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah hey dummy i love you yeah that's hilarious yeah yeah it's like a weird challenge for a lot of a lot of male leading men like i mean john ham could do that yeah right oh yeah oh yeah but like i mean he's done it in the past but like play it seriously not as a joke thing and not as an over intense thing just be a normal man i. I feel like if I was John Hamm, normal man. Yeah. If I was on his team, I'd be like, that's the next area for you to conquer. But yeah,

I feel like Ham wants to do a bit and that's fine because he is impressively good at it. Considering how handsome he is. There's no bit he's he'll also, he'll go hard on the intensity. Yeah. But what I would like to see, I agree. I would like to see him simply using his natural charms to create a pleasant vibe for the community.

He did a bit of it with Friends with Kids. Oh, yeah. Sure, I remember that. But he was like a side character. Sure. I feel like down the middle, man. You know what? Harry Connick Jr. it.

Listen, there's probably some showbiz people listening sure i think they're very into this podcast uh of course i mean listen if there's one thing my career has benefited from it's this podcast so many doors wide open every time i do it i get just a stack of sitcom scripts i mean when i like please what character do you want to play and i'm like none of them wait are you j you Jordan Morris, the podcaster? And yeah, and it's definitely something I find that when I go into showbiz meetings, which I have. All the time.

Two or three times a year. How else are you going to get bottles of water? Fiji, smart. I'll take them all. What I find is when I go into a showbiz meeting, people definitely have heard of this. Yeah. They really have. They definitely have heard of this. Yeah. They really have. Sure, sure, sure.

They definitely have. People are excited to meet. I mean, I know. You can tell me if you had this experience. Someone says, oh, are you Jordan Morris? They say, yes. You say, yes, I am. You're the podcaster.

And you say, yes. What's Mike Mitchell really like? Well, taller than you'd think, I'll say. So yeah, if there's showbiz people listening and I know you are, I think what we would like

to prepare for you is a romantic comedy, maybe for the Hallmark Channel, maybe for theaters, wherein Jon Hamm and LeVar Burton 69.

Brian, check to make sure that they're both 18. Coming this Christmas. Yeah, sort of a sexier twist on Grace and Frankie. Yeah, sexy. I don't remember which name goes first. Yeah.

Late in life. Late in life. Awakening. Sure, they get a cabin. Right. And there's a pillow at either end of the bed, not two at the same time. They're like, well, we certainly can't move these pillows. Let's just call it a night and we'll figure it out in the morning. Yep, and then broke back fever.

Right to 69ing. Isn't this the movie Gods and Monsters? No, I feel like there's more of an age discrepancy in Gods and Monsters. But besides that, yes, exactly. I mean, how old is Ham's 19, right? Yes. I hope so, or else my remarks will be creepy. LeVar Burton is 88.

Okay. So, it's a little discrepancy there. It's not the same. We'll probably have to check on heights. Heights is also a good issue. Yeah, where do you place the pillows? Sure. Could Brandon Fraser be in this at all?

I'd put him in everything, but he'd have to wear a piece. Got it. Got it. Like a codpiece? Yes. You don't want people seeing that. It's too much for a mainstream audience. At least a dancer's cup.

Yes. Minimum a dancer's cup. So here's if I'm picturing this movie correctly. It's called No Girls Alive. LeVar Burton. No Girls Alive. LeVar Burton. And John L.A. for 6090 in a cabin.

It's like old dogs. Door bursts open. Brendan Fraser slams the door behind him. Impressive shot of his piece. He's like, guys guys stop 6090. We've got a mummy to kill. And it's in the mummy

of verse. Fun fact. It's not. Dark universe. It's not Billy Zane playing the mummy even though a lot of people think that it is.

Oh OK. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. The mummy actually plays himself. Yeah. Yeah.

It's blurred out for young audiences. But yeah there's an extended scene of him plays himself. Yeah. Yeah. It's blurred out for young audiences. But yeah, there's an extended scene of him playing himself. Man. This sounds super sensual. A lot of fun and surprisingly moving. Yeah. I think we've got a green light here, guys. I'm green lighting it.

Yay. Yay. Let's get them all on the phone. We're joining the Dark Universe family. Let's give it a podcast. Okay. Eliza Skinner, it's been a delight to have you here. Oh, wait.

Thank you. Eliza, you're always a joy to follow on Twitter, at Eliza Skinner. That's me. A lot of fun humor to be had there. Thanks. I try to put that out there. I recommend people check out at Eliza Skinner on Twitter. Hey, same to you.

But I also love it when people go see the brilliant stand-up comedy of Eliza Skinner, not just at SF Sketch Fest, but around the world. Cool. Do it. And you can also sing those songs. So go ahead and do that whenever. I got a show coming up. When does this come out?

This will be Tuesday. Tuesday. I mean, for LA area listeners, I got a show coming up next Thursday the 11th at The Virgil where I'll be doing stand-up and improvised songs. There we go. So I'll be doing both of those things you mentioned at the same show. That's what's up. Yeah, it's an

extended set. What proportion of the songs would you say are about fat cats? Almost none of them, unless there's a fat cat there in the audience. Then I'll interview him and then do a lot of talking about treats. Excuse me, folks. I can't help but notice that we have Senator Orrin Hatch in the front row. No, no, no.

Not any kind of corporate fat cat. Just actual fat cats. I like to talk to them about yarn and where they like sitting. And do they prefer sitting on pants or on papers? Sure. Or an Amazon box

that just came in. Oh, boy. Well, it's always going to be that. That's an option. Can I make a recommendation? Mm-hmm. Don't say the word sunbeams

or they'll never shut up. Oh, jeez. Okay. Trust me. I know. If you want to do anything else in the show, don't say the word sunbeams.

Yeah, they got a lot of opinions. Yeah, or the two words sunbeams, whatever the case may be. Yeah, even say sun, and they're like, are we talking beams? Yeah, I'm not the Oxford English Dictionary. Talking about chips.

Yeah, sun chips. Sun chips. Can I sleep in those? They're not as healthy as you think. No, they're not. Just eat regular chips. They're better. Yeah, come in those? They're not as healthy as you think. No, they're not. Just eat regular chips. They're better. Yeah, come on.

You put on a show for somebody? Yeah. Eat your chips. Eat chips. The PC police. That's the year end. The year slogan. Eat your chips.

Eat your chips. Eat your chips. Say audience. Hard as a rock, as wet as a river. Eat your chips. Eat your chips. Smash the system. Maxfrontstore.com is system. MaxFunStore.com

is where that t-shirt is. You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. If you're in the Bay, we'll see you at Sketch Fest. And I think that's it. That's it. We'll talk to you next time

on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye. Bye.