Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 514: Tree Bees with Kevin Avery

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

Jordan and Jesse take a break from their usual topic of floor covering to do an extra special Q&A episode with comedian and writer Kevin Avery.  From everyone's top chip to the possibility that psychics are the real deal, the guys take on a myriad of important topics.   Get your 2018 JJGo Slogan Shirts here!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Want to talk about carpet and floor covering traditions? Jordan Jesse Goh is your show. You've come to the right place. The rug place, more like it. Today, a history of Stain Master.

That's right. I knew in my heart of hearts that one day it would come to this. But I don't think that I could have possibly prepared myself for the excitement that is the stain protection treatment, Stain Master. So, yeah, I mean, I'll just start with my monologue and then we'll drop in the music later. I mean, I don't need to tell you this. We do this show every week. Jordan! Jordan, can I interrupt you here?

Okay. I had a long talk with my psychologist. And he said it's important that I don't get bent out of shape. Right. And I'm sort of freaking out about talking about Stainmaster this week on the show. We've been saving it. We've been waiting for a special occasion. I'm flipping out a little bit.

And I don't think it's safe for my health. Oh, should we? Oh, boy. Well, I don't want you to. I mean, this is such a. I mean, Stainmaster, can you imagine? Well, I was looking forward you to. I mean, this is such a. I mean, Steinmaster, can you imagine? Well, I was looking forward. Can you imagine the excitement?

To letting people know that in 1927. No, don't give me the. An Italian immigrant named John Stain met a German immigrant named Gunter Master. I'm flipping out. I'm flipping out. And they decided to join forces. I'm flipping out. I'm flipping out, lady. And they decided to join forces. I'm flipping. I'm flipping.

Jessie, I am sorry. I want to continue with this monologue, but you're... I'm freaking out over here. Should we just save this till maybe, like... Does anyone have a brown paper bag? Till, like, later in the year, maybe once you've got all the Christmas stuff out of your system. Listen, calm down.

Have some num-nums. Here, I have your baggie of num-nums right here. Oh, baby num-nums. Yeah, there's your num-nums. It's my favorite rice rusks. Have a rice rusk. Let's just put the Stainmaster stuff aside. Okay, try not to chew on Mike.

People really hate it. Can you just lean away from the mic while you're eating your num-nums? Let's... We'll table the Stainmaster stuff. Okay. Until later on. Right. Why don't we just chat today?

A nice soothing chat. We'll bring in a comedian guest who has impressive writing credits. I know that's, you know, that's calming. Right. Knowing that someone has a mastery over the words on the page. Right. Why don't we do that? And once you've calmed down, we can revisit the AIM Master Stay segment.

And I know also Pig Latin soothes you. K-O-A. Let's just go down this road and we'll rejigger the segment at the end once our cooler heads have prevailed. Okay. So no carpet talk this week at all. Well, I guess not. No other floor coverings. No linoleum.

None. No bamboo. No cork.um. None. No bamboo. Mm-mm. No cork. Sand. Nope. No sand. Pack dirt.

For all those hut dwellers out there. No. And we know you're listening, hut dwellers. No bed of leaves. Nope. Just chat with a guest.

Pure chat. And if the conversation swerves toward flooring, we're going to jerk the wheel. Okay. So if at all, if it seems like floor covering is going to come up, if someone's talking about doing some home renovations, where feet go, we're jerking the wheel. Yeah. Say it with me. Jerking the wheel. Yeah. Say it with me.

Jerking the wheel. Jerking the wheel. Yeah. Okay. All right. So we know what to do. Got it. I think everything's going to be nice and cool. Our guest on Jordan Jesse Go is a stand-up comedian, beloved past Jordan Jesse Go guest,

well-known victim of bumblebee attacks, Max Funcon East bumblebee attacks, to be specific. He's written for many television programs. Jim Jefferies most recently. And others to come. One that we shan't say the name of because we're not sure we're allowed to say it out loud. But we will say that it is a show hosted by two past Jordan Jesse Go guests, two other beloved past Jordan Jesse Go guests. Comedians Kevin Avery is our guest. Did you almost say Steve Avery? I almost said Steven Avery.

That's a weird thing that everyone also. Hey. Hey, everybody. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hi. You both have great curveballs. Thank you. I just want the world to recognize that.

I feel a little awkward. I came prepared to talk about nothing but stains. Oh, boy. I brought samples of... I know. And they're lovely samples, too. They have a lovely sample book. Looks like there's some nice shags in there.

I'm starting to freak out again. Okay. Okay. All right. We're jerking the wheel. Guys, we're jerking the wheel. Jerking the wheel. Jerking the wheel.

Jerk the wheel. All right. Kevin, it used to be that you would come and visit us when either you were here from New York City or in the case of Max Funcon East, we were out your way. Yes. But you were here from New York City, or in the case of Max von Kahn East, we were out your way, but you live here now. Yeah. Welcome. Thanks.

It's good to have you. I moved back. Yeah. It's nice to be back here. Last time I was here, you guys got a bustling operation out. Overflowing. We're back to the gills in here. Well, I don't want to give away any trade secrets,

but when Jesse has a guest coming in that he wants to impress, he hires extras. So everyone out there is from Central Casting. Those are just models. I see. They're all on break right now. I went to the modeling agency and said, I'm tired of these models. Do you have any models that just

look like regular dorks? They're like, here's some pod dorks for you. Well, they're playing their parts well out there. Everyone's doing a bang-up job. We need half guys in hoodies and then half guys in bow ties. We get some of each.

That's the perfect mix. Here's the thing, Kevin. When you have this many people in one office, you're going to need to treat your high-traffic areas. Gotcha. Gotcha. But I don't want to get any further into it than that because I don't want to freak to treat your high traffic areas. Gotcha. Gotcha. But I don't want to get any further into it than that because I don't want to freak out again. No, uh-uh.

No. I'm just saying you're going to want to treat your high traffic areas. All right. I won't. I mean, I have questions now, endless questions specifically about that. I'm getting a little worked up. I won't even talk about it. Okay. I do have an update, though. Please.

A bee update. Actually, not a bee update, but there was a European movie update. Does someone have a new writing project that maybe they're under an NDA for? So here's the thing. Okay. So actually, can we give a brief CliffsNotes to people who may be tuning in for the first time or who may have forgotten.

What was the B episode all about? Because it sounds like you've got a part two or an addendum. Just an addendum is the best way to put it. So I was, yes, I was out at MaxFunCon East out in the Poconos. Still rocking my Poconos hoodie.

Yeah, now we're talking. That's a comfortable. Anyway, so I'm out there. I was taking the lockpicking seminar. Right. Because I want to know how to break in homes. And it was outside. And as I was sitting out there, and I was late.

Outside. And as I was sitting out there, and I was late, and as I was sitting out there, the largest wasp I'd ever seen in my life just walked on the scene. Did not fly. Was just crawling around there on the, it was really like turf. And I watched it crawl up a guy's pant leg and then crawl back down. And I, the stress was too much, and I left. And then later I talked about it on stage and people – obviously he'd witnessed me showing up late then leaving and being very disturbed. They didn't know what happened.

And so I basically talked for 10 minutes on stage about this wasp. Yeah. Essentially, if I could summarize for you, Jordan, he's done an okay job. Thanks. I brought Kevin to the Poconos to perform stand-up comedy. He saw a bee and instead of performing comedy, he just talked about the bee the whole time. Just talked about the bee. European wasp, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. It was massive. And I just, it was like only in the Poconos, I guess. Are the European wasps now, are they more dangerous because they have like different customs? Oh. Yeah.

Or I guess, I guess why make the distinction, you know? Because of their social safety net. Sure. Right. Exactly. They fly in the same- They have less fear because of socialized medicine. Probably.

They have, I think, maybe even more socially stratified customs. Right. Sure. Because they're going to Oxford or Cambridge rather than Harvard or Yale. Well, and they're kind of close talkers too. They definitely speak more properly than the rest of us. Sure.

Right. Well, all this to say that I, so I moved back out to Los Angeles. I live in Silver Lake right now. And I have a place. It's like a duplex. I don't know. But I'm on the second story. A lot of windows.

I noticed, I think a month in, a yellow jacket appeared in my place. Indoors? Indoors. Now, have you gotten a sense of where it might be from? Is it European?

Is it, God forbid, Asian? I think it's just a good old-fashioned American yellow jacket. Good. And I think that's what we need, right? That's what we need. Just a Norman Rockwell type. Bring the bees back. Yeah.

Making America great again. A lot of buzz around bees back. Yeah. Making America great again. And, but I noticed- A lot of buzz around that lately. No, no, no. Everyone's kind of, you know. But yeah, I noticed one. And then a few weeks later, I noticed another. And then another.

And then another. I have killed no less than five yellow jackets inside my place in the last, I'm going to say, like three months. How are you killing these? Magazine? Well, oh, God, no. The World Up magazine, that's so imprecise. You got to know what you're doing. First of all, yellow jackets are the most dangerous.

I'm working on that right now. Sniper rifle. I ordered that in the mail. Don't have it yet. Yeah. But they're the most aggressive of the wasp family, and they use coordinated attacks. Oh, no. And they also stick to you when they sting you.

They don't just hit and fade. So one I sprayed was Raid. The first step you took was to read books about wasps. So I immediately went to the library, came back. And that's a good place to start. Of course. When anyone has a question, visit your local library. No Watt's there.

That's what we say on the show. Yeah, right. So I sprayed one to death with Ray until it crawled back out of the window. And then all the others I have had to crush. One was on the window, but not, and I shut the drapes, and not... And I shut the drapes and then I smashed it in the drapes.

Another one, I just came up and just crushed it with a stack of 3x5 cards. Oh, that's nice. Usually, that's my go-to, the 3x5 cards. I leave one stack of cards in the actual... You have one for ideas,

jokes, stuff for... You use idea fragments that'll turn into something later. You have one for like, you know, ideas, you know, jokes, you know, idea fragments that will turn into something later. You have a stack, a stack of those. And then you just have a wasp crushing stack. Yes. But right now, as on the, as I was leaving to come out here, my windows are being redone on the front of the house. And so he had to remove them.

So now there are these two gaping holes in my, in the front of my place. Just, it's basically an open house. Traditionally, when one takes a window out of a home, one replaces it with a second improved window. But there was a while when he was going to. In fact, at one point, the guy was like, oh, I left a tool in my house. I got to go back and get it. And he left with just his open window. That's terrifying.

The guy removes the window he's like shit dude I am sorry I'm out of glass I have run out of glass do you remember what's supposed to go in this hole yeah so I have some fondant I think he started to just

I also have an artisanal bakery on the side the cake boss can do anything with that stuff I figure yeah so anyway I hope to be in a wasp free house You still have an artisanal bakery on the side. The cake boss can do anything with that stuff, I figure. Yeah. So anyway, I hope to be in a wasp-free house. You live in fear. Yeah. Are you like wake up screaming?

Do you feel phantom wasps on your face? Well, one day I heard one. I was walking through my place and I heard one buzzing recently. Right. And I've gone mad with the Christmas decorations. Not mad, but I've never decorated my apartment for Christmas before and so I got a tree.

I did the whole thing. What brought on the Christmas spirit? If you're not a Christmas decorator. I just like this place. My place in New York was smaller. I always felt temporary

when I was living in New York. I knew I would come back out here and so now I have this. I really like my place. I have all this room and I was like, let's do it. And I love Christmas. Yeah, I I have this. I really like my place. I have all this room. And I was like, let's do it. And I love Christmas. Yeah, I love Christmas too.

I love Christmas. Yeah. So, yeah, but I was walking around and I heard, I thought I heard a buzz. And I went and I checked all the windows. Nothing there. A few hours later, I saw one on the window. And I realized, I did hear a buzz. It was in my christmas tree

so now i every time i walk past the tree i gotta i got tree bees and i gotta kind of side eye it and i gotta side eye the tree bee sure and uh so i i constantly am checking the windows am i no that sounds like a that sounds like a like a twitter meme that you like see but you don't know what it means like when when Bay side eyes, the three bees, and then it's like sponge, a picture of SpongeBob doing something. Yeah.

Like, what is this? Can we make that happen? Can somebody, uh, can, can somebody out there make a, a,

a tree bee side, side eye tree bee? I would say that it also sounds like the premise of a horror film that does shockingly well at the box office. Where you're like, wait, that made $114 million? Treebies? I like it. Listen, I think we got some dank meme lords

in the audience. I know our audience. It's a lot of people who work in tech. Right now, our listeners are just sitting like kermit the frog drinking a glass of tea sure yeah they know how how dank their memes are so i think we have you know our audiences you know maybe tech people i think like creative people you know maybe people who have a creative business they run from home people in the alt-right people in the alt-right

and you know and i think all of that you you know, within all of that, there's an intersection, and that is dank meme lords. So. Can we get some dank meme-age going? Please. I insist on dank meme-age. Jordan. Yes. It is, as we record this, the holiday season.

Holiday season will, look, it may yet be three King's Days, probably still on the horizon by the time this comes out. Sure. Boxing Day? Is that January 6th? That's Catholic's annual celebration of David O. Russell's most underrated film, in my opinion. Yeah. The one where George Clooney punched him, I think. Yeah.

That might have happened on the set of Three Kings. Really? Yeah, I think that's true. Three Kings. Really? Yeah, I think that's true. I think George Clooney punching David O. Russell is like the second tier to that video of Lily Tomlin reaming David O. Russell. Three Kings is a pretty great movie, though.

Anyway, you were nice enough to give me a holiday gift, a gift certificate to Secret Headquarters Comic Books here in Los Angeles. Every year I look forward to going to Secret Headquarters where they are Jordan Jesse Go fans and I get to feel like a celebrity. And then I hand them my gift certificate and they tell me what comic book to buy. It's really amazing. One of the great pleasures in my creative life has been when the people at Secret Headquarters recognize me. headquarters recognized me because as a young do they as a young dork all you want is for the person at the comic store to be nice to you because they so rarely are growing up weird they want you to leave they're so angry about everything yeah well now i want the people at secret headquarters to write i go by there like i think once every couple of weeks so with the when you see a light-skinned black guy with freckles walk in your store, that is

me, Secret Headquarters guy. Get on it. Yeah. And Al from Al's Comics in San Francisco, thanks for recognizing me when I was a kid, but it was weird that you called me Mark Grace, even though Mark Grace was my favorite baseball player. And I was often there to buy Mark Grace baseball cards. Interesting.

Yeah. Huh. You know? I don't know. Yeah. My comic books were called the Greed Lantern. You know? I don't know. Yeah. My comic books were called Greed Lantern. That's what I was there for. Oh, that's because

you're a superpower. That's true. And, yeah. Did you say... And I'm afraid of yellow. Did you say Green Lantern or Greed Lantern? I think I said Green Lantern, but... Greed Lantern. I like Greed Lantern. That needs to be its own comic book. Anyway, there's a 25% chance.

Here's the reality of being me in 2017. My memory, Kevin, is not as strong as it could be. Sure, I understand. There's a 25% chance I've already given you this gift for Christmas in the past, Jordan. Because I thought it was such a good idea that I was worried that it was just because I had thought of it previously. Okay. But here, I got you this. Am I just getting the same pocket But here, I got you this.

Am I just getting the same pocket pussy again? I can't. Why? I was like, I know you love pussy, and I know you've got pockets. Oh, hey, this is a Spider-Man action. Pocket pussy. A Spider-Man pocket pussy. That's amazing. This is the, no, no, this is actually kind of legendary.

I think this is something that we definitely have talked a lot about on the show, but I do not own. Oh, thank God. this is the spider-man action figure i'm disappointed by the way i was looking forward to seeing you pretend like you didn't have it but clearly you already had oh thanks i'm gonna take this and show it to my friends at the goodwill they'll love to see this. What this is is a Spider-Man action figure from the Sam Raimi trilogy. This is modeled after, oh gosh, who's the guy who plays him? I forget.

Tobey Maguire. Oh, sorry, the guy who plays J. Jonah Jameson. Oh, I can't, you haven't held it up. I thought it was Peter Parker. Yes. Oh, J. Jonah, okay. So J. Jonah Jameson, the guy who owns the Daily Beagle. You get offended. up i thought it was peter parker yes oh jay jones okay so jay jones the guy who owns the daily people offended uh and on the box it uh it says he comes with desk pounding action yeah i watched a youtube video of it bring me pictures of spider-man and he comes with a desk a phone uh

three different coffee mugs oh and a bottle of aspirin yeah all this is great stuff on his desk shakes when he pounds can i see I see this? This is awesome. Thank you, Jesse. This is a great gift. You're welcome. Merry Christmas, friend. I have often thought about the time I saw

the Spider-Man action figure J. Jonah Jameson with desk pounding action in the store and I kick myself for not buying it regularly. Well, there you go. And now I have my very own.

There you go. Merry Christmas. I mean, the best thing about this guy is not the action figure itself. It's the action figure accessory. It's the action figure. This might be the only action figure where the accessories are actually cooler. They're so cool.

I mean, oh, man, this is great. Well, he's going to need some of that aspirin after getting a headache from that Spider-Man. I know, right? People say he's a hero, but he's really a menace. Yeah, I agree. I think he's a menace, too, just like J. Jonah Jameson does. You agree with him. So we stand right now at the very beginning of 2018.

We're getting the year off to a fresh start. Let's do it by answering questions from Jordan Jesse Goh listeners. They've submitted them on Facebook, on Reddit, on Twitter. I've got a big, fat list. When we come back, we'll get down to it. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's been a long time coming, but John Roderick finally has a podcast on the MaximumFun.org network.

The long wait is over. Max Fun Friends teamed up with these two unlikely nerds and their dumb Star Trek podcast. dumb Star Trek podcast. And we talk about war movies, not just in a laudatory and salivating way, but we apply critical thinking principles to the multiple, multiple subtexts that are woven in every war movie. And Sylvester Stallone specifically.

It is not that. It is not that at all. So go grab Friendly Fire every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. We're in a hotel room in San Francisco to tell

you about the fine folks who helped make this program possible. First of all, our friends at HelloFresh. JJ Go is supported in part by HelloFresh, the meal kit delivery service that delivers your favorite recipes and pre-measured ingredients so you can just cook, eat, and enjoy for less than

$10 per meal. You could choose a plastic plan, veggie plan, family plan, cake plan. They also offer a Hall of Fame, a premium, and a kid-tested recipe selections. Ooh, that sounds nice. You can make almost anything. It's true. I do like cooking with HelloFresh quite a lot. I often get their boxes, and the meals always turn out fantastic.

And you can cook them pretty much no fuss, no muss with the things you have around the house. Always turns out great. And hey, you want to try it. You get $30 off your first week of HelloFresh and you go to HelloFresh.com and you enter the promo code JJGO30. That's HelloFresh.com and the promo code JJGO30 for $ 30 off your first week of hello fresh remember what we always say about hello fresh it's their beloved slogan that's more than just great cakes that's true that is their slogan that we wrote for them whether they like it or not we're also supported this week by our friends at RX Bar, a whole food protein

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Well, good news. You put some RX bars in your day pack, so you're all set. Jesse, I got another totally made up hypothetical. Yeah. A place you could use an RX bar. Yeah. Let's say you swim early in the morning at the Verdugo Aquatic Center right and you know you're you're you know you're peckish yeah well you're driving up to the verdugo aquatic center uh you could pull over and get you know donuts and coffee no that's gonna

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It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin Avery. Guy. Right? Kevin, you're a return guest. Return guest guy.

You know, return guest guy is pretty good. Kevin Avery, Grebe Lantern. There you go. See? Now that's a nickname. Yeah. Okay, let's get down to the questions. We put out a call for questions.

You sent them to us. Let's start with one from Rob. What's a good alternative to chips the food? Follow-up question. What's a good alternative to chips the television show? Boy, I, okay. So this one's a little bit tough for me because I love chips. Really? I love eating them. I love thinking about eating them. What's your top chip? Opening a bag. You know, I love most chips. Hard-p's your top tip? I love opening a bag.

You know, I love most chips. Hard pressed to find a chip that I won't like. Oh, you know, although a popular chip that I am not a fan of, and I'm not saying I won't ever eat this, but I rarely crave it, is Doritos. Really? Yeah. No, I don't care for them. Oh, I love Doritos. I don't need them.

That's my favorite chip. I would say that I love Doritos. I don't need them. That's like my favorite chip. I would say that I like Doritos in the same way I like candy corn. I like to have about three a year, three individual units a year, and I like them, and then I want no more. I love a cool ranch Dorito. I kind of crunch it up until it's sort of a mush in my mouth, center it in my mouth, and suck out the flavor. I think if you're... Oh, no. Kevin's really upset.

Yeah. Oh, boy. That's precise and a little bit sexual. I'm never going to forget that. Jordan, what's your top tip? Gun to my head. Yeah. Sour cream and onion.

Okay. Lays. Do you... Just a regular plain sour cream and onion Lay's? I think so. Do you prefer a Lay's to a Ruffles? You know what I like is a wavy Lay. Okay.

Yeah. I like the ridges. I like the more substantial ridges on the wavy Lay's. Yeah. I like a substantial chip. I don't like regular Lay's that much because they're too insubstantial. Sure. Paper thin.

Yeah. I like one of those, you know, like kettle chips. Kettle chips. Yeah. Right. I love a sweet Maui onion chip. That's going to be my classic all-time number one chip. I don't know what brand that is now.

It used to be Mother Goose, and then it became Hawaiian chip brand. Are Mother Goose chips even around? No, I don't think so. I think they folded all of them except for Hawaiian. Okay. I remember Hawaiian. Sweet Maui onion is my jam. And then I'm a big fan of honey Dijon mustard kettle chip.

Those are great, too. Those are great, too. That's not bad. Kevin? There's a sister chip to sour cream and onion, but I can't remember what it is. There's like a ranch chip that has some of the same qualities. Yeah. I just had it, and it's that has some of the same qualities. Yeah. I just had it and it's great.

It's super tangy. Yeah. And you start eating it and then you can't stop eating it. And then you're eating it really fast. And then your whole mouth is just this chip. Yes. It's like sucked into its own universe and you regret that you ever ate one. But they're delicious.

Yeah. Because your mouth is in a new universe where the Nazis won World War II. Oh my god, yeah. And they're making the hell out of that chip. What's this reality? I like that. And a little sea salt. That's a nice one to come up with. But we're supposed to be talking about chip alternatives here.

Well, I mean, if you're... Are we talking about healthy chip alternatives or are we just talking about things that aren't chips? Boy, yeah, because I don't love – like I don't like a SunChip really. I don't like a, you know – Cheez-It all day, baby. Cheez-It. Oh, no.

Cheez-It all night and all day. That's a thing I don't need. Cheez-It is the king of packaged foods from the grocery store. It's by far the best one. I love it. It doesn't make me sick at my stomach. I find it satisfying to eat, and I love the flavor.

I'll chew it up until it's kind of a meal. Yeah. Oh, boy. And suck out the flavor. Oh, boy. Are we talking about Cheez-Its or pussy? Oh, boy. I can't even tell anymore.

Oh, man. God. I mean, I guess I was, for some reason, my mind went to the guys at like a deli. Right. And he's got a side choice. And he's like, you can get a bag of chips or something.

Like a pretzel, like a classic potato salad? I was going to say like a coleslaw. I usually go coleslaw if we're talking about like case salads. I really love the worst potato salad. I don't like any of the, I don't actually really like potatoes that much. And I don't like any fancy potatoes. If it's got tarragon in it or whatever, I really,

the only kind I like is the kind that they scoop with a scoop at the grocery store deli. Like the lowest of the low. I don't know. I get you. But sometimes they could just feel it. It don't know. I get you. But sometimes it can just feel, it can taste gross. The texture, the potato salad texture is critical.

Critical. Because if it's not, it just feels like, I don't know, something that's already been taken in your mouth, sucked in, and where all the juice is drained from.

It feels- So it's like you sort of chew it up, center it. All right. If you're not careful, I'm going to start talking about Stain Master again. Oh, I got all my samples. Yeah. A healthy alternative I like is a snap pea. Oh, that's nice.

I like a snap pea. I'll sit there and eat snap peas indefinitely, and I'm pretty sure it's good for you. You know what I like a snap pea. Oh, that's nice. I like a snap pea. I'll sit there and eat snap peas indefinitely, and I'm pretty sure it's good for you. You know what I like? You cut up a cucumber, maybe a Persian cucumber without any seeds. Oh, yeah, that's a nice one. And you put in a little rice wine vinegar, salt and pepper. Make a quick pickle? A quick pickle.

Or maybe a little olive oil, squeeze a lemon in there. Oh, wow. And then you get a nice little side. You get some, it's a little salty. a lemon in there. Oh, wow. And then you got a nice little side. You get some, it's a little salty. Yeah, and you're probably not expanding the waistline in the same way you would if you

had a bag of chips. That seems like too much work. It is a little bit of work, honestly. Although my mind did go straight to macaroni and cheese. Yeah, yeah, sure. Just make a box of mac and cheese. But for some reason, like fancy mac and cheese that you'd get in a – or almost like, I don't know. Like a nanny's.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And as far as an alternative to the Chips TV show, I'm going to say any other TV show. Yeah. Trauma Center. Sure. Knight Rider.

Yeah. Any of those. Airwolf. I just saw Eric Estrada on a giant billboard for a holiday parade or something. Yeah, I saw that too. He's hosting. Eric Estrada's ability to remain a celebrity is incredible because I know exactly who Eric Estrada is. I am five to seven years too young to have ever seen or cared about chips.

Yeah. And I don't think Eric Estrada has ever done anything else. I love the funny voice on C-Lab. Oh, there you go. So I think he's beloved to our generation. Eric Estrada probably had a bigger career, like a more regularly working career before Chips than after. I feel like Chips happened, he was a huge star, and then

that was the last we... Not the last we saw of him, but that was the last thing he ever did. He's like the only celebrity I've ever recognized on the street in Los Angeles. He was in a restaurant I was in. Estrada and Hasselhoff are of a piece, it seems. They are

the guys who were the first to the table as far as we can have fun with art, we can kind of make fun of ourselves a little bit. And I think they kind of coasted on that for a while. Adam West. Adam West, sure, sure, sure. Adam West is much better at it than either of us. Yeah, sure.

Adam West is actually very genuinely funny in a way that neither Hasselhoff nor Eric Estrada are. That's true. Although neither of those guys arerada are. That's true. Although neither of those guys are without talent. Sure. Yeah.

But I feel like Adam West's great gift is that he is actually very funny. Right. He was actually very funny. Yeah, I think he became a punchline.

I think people maybe did not understand that he was ever trying to be funny but he was. So I think he got lumped in with those guys who were like,

hey, we were ridiculous, right? But was actually giving an interesting comic performance. Okay, John wants to know what's your spookiest fortune-telling experience? What? Yeah, like have you ever had a spooky experience with a fortune-teller? I feel like John should be telling us his. He clearly has had

an experience. Yeah, this is loaded. I agree with you, Kevin. Have you ever been to a fortune teller or a psychic, Jordan? I went once. I did it once on like a, it was like a second date and she's like,

wouldn't it be funny if we went into this fortune teller? And we did and you know what? It was a lot of fun. Okay. It was a great,

you know, gave me a chance to prove that I'm spontaneous and down for whatevs. Yeah. Which is something I want people to know about me. Sure.

And you're spiritual. Sure, exactly. And I'm open to the universe and what it has to say to me. And you like magic. And I like magic and cards. Got one of those buckwheat pillows, probably. Sure, yeah. Why not?

Got a buckwheat pillow. One of those salt rock lamps. Cinnamon broom. Yeah. I got it all. Yeah, I don't really remember too much of what went on. I think she's just kind of – I remember the fortune teller being very nice and very welcoming and just saying kind of a lot of general things about, well, you're interested in creativity. I'm like, I am.

So there were a lot of like good, good. But I didn't really get anything from it. I don't remember it that much other than it being a thing that I know I've done once. What about you, Kevin? I lived around the corner from a psychic that I walked by every day in New York. And I never went in. But I used to just see her hanging out, looking at her iPad. Because they all sit in the window. They're psychic.

And then you can see them in there. They've got their little table. And assuming there's another room. Although I did see a couple people talking to them. So I don't know. But I never went in. But I did have, when I first lived here, I lived in Los Feliz. And the owner of the apartment, her aunt and uncle, came to look at any damage that needed

to be fixed or whatever. Anything I needed repaired, they came to look at any damage that needed to be fixed or whatever. Anything I needed repaired, they came to look at it. They were this Indian couple who had an arranged marriage. They got to talking about it. We all got friendly. And then she was asking me about my dating life. And before she left, she was like, give me your hand.

Let me, and she did a palm reading. Oh, and she told me that this is a woman looking at my apartment for, and suddenly she's in my living room reading my palm. But she, she told me that I would be married after I was, uh,

I can't remember what age she told me, but she said I'd be married and I would, and my wife was, she, I'd be married And my wife I would have three kids Two girls and a boy And then she said that I would get to a certain She said after next year

You'll never worry about money again I was like okay And then she said my wife Would be very beautiful She said And then she went At least an eight She threw it at the end.

I was like, all right. At least. At least. Now you're piling it on. She's like, oh, and I also see here that you're not going to hang any paintings with nails. Or else you'll lose your deposit. Yeah. So, yeah, that's – so we'll see.

Still hanging on. I think I may have talked about this on Jordan Jesse Go before, but I once went up into the Hollywood Hills to buy some stuff on Craigslist. And I got up in there and I got up to this like A-frame pretty far up in the Hollywood Hills. And I was buying all this. There was a woman there, a sort of middle-aged woman. She had all these high-end clothes arranged. And so I was buying them all, some for myself and some to sell. And I was like wondering whether I was buying her cheating boyfriend's clothes or something like that.

I was really baffled as to what was going on. And the woman said to me while I'm talking with her about this. She was very nice. She said, you know, I'm psychic. I said, really? And she said to me while I'm talking with her about this, she's very nice, she said, you know, I'm psychic. I said, really? And she said, yeah. And I had told her that my wife was pregnant, we were going to have our first child. And she said, she's like, hold on, she says, you're going to have a daughter. And I was like, okay, psychics aren't real. Ha ha ha. Right? And then, you know, a few months later, our child was born and we,

it was, as far as we were concerned at the time, a boy. And then, I was like, ha, fuck you psychics.

Jesse wins again. And then, my oldest child turned out to be a daughter and I was like, oh fuck, was that psychic real so there you go

psychics are real you gotta go back and see that woman i know what the hell else you got to say i know i was so proud of myself for proving that that psychic was phony by by 50 50 roll of the dice i know right when it came back like the odds are so much longer of a child being assigned male at birth turning out to be female than they are of her getting it right just because the kid was born that way. It feels like psychics are real to me now. Yeah. Like I still don't believe in psychics, but that seems so ridiculous that it happened. But that seems so ridiculous that it happened. I'm just afraid to go to one because I'm afraid of what I would – like part of it is – well, I think it's bullshit.

But the other part of it is, but what if they're right? It's that I don't want to know too much. Has anyone in the history of psychics – has anyone just got a really dour prediction? history of psychics has anyone just got a really dour prediction because i think that's the thing to me that seems like it that that always you know that always talks me off of maybe there's something to this is that when everyone when everyone talks about seeing a psychic it's always something nice something positive it's always at least an eight you're gonna marry at eight yeah eight or above but i mean what about uh peewee herman the basement of the alamo sure well that was a really tall mountain fore Herman, the basement of the Alamo? Sure.

Well, that was a really tall mountain for him to climb, not least because the Alamo doesn't have, everyone knows the Alamo doesn't have a basement. Yes. I would be more inclined to believe it if someone's like, oh, yeah, I went to the psychic and they said, yeah, the next two years are kind of going to be shit. They will get better, but you're going to have a real shitty two years, and it seems like nothing will work out. And then it'll get slightly better, but then it will probably get bad again. Here's a question just for Kevin. When

is the reunion tour of For Now? Oh! Oh! Good. I like it when we have... This is clearly a dedicated listener. Crazy specific. For casual listeners, we should say that perhaps one of the greatest facts about our guest in addition – a man who has nothing but great things about him.

Oh, shucks. Is that he was in a boy band periodically. Periodically. I should say briefly. For a time in college. He was the rapper in a Boyz II Periodically. I should say briefly. For a time in college he was the rapper in a boys to men style.

I was a singer. I was a rapper and then I got with these guys and we all sang. But yeah, I was the guy who did the rap breaks and sang a lot of backup

and stuff. Don't have any planned reunions coming up. Although, weirdly, I'm working on something that might see a reunion of me and another member. Oh. Okay. Okay.

But I can't say what it is. Do you know? Do you keep up with- It's a little something called Casey and JoJo. That's right. You ran into JoJo. That's right. You're Casey. There we go. The C is for You ran into JoJo. That's right. You're KC.

There we go. And the C is for Avery. Guys, we're doing it. We're doing it again. So there is obviously one member that you're in touch with. Do you keep up with the other members of the band? Do you know what they're up to now? One is like, I know one is a state trooper in Minnesota.

I haven't talked to him. I haven't talked to most of them. There's one guy I know who's on – I see him on Facebook all the time, and he works in aviation, but I'm not quite sure what he does. Okay. And then I've kind of lost touch with most of the other guys. How many guys were in the group? Well, there were originally six of us. Wow.

When we were called four now. It's a sizable boy band. Building in a little redundancy. I mean, well, we just all – Somebody's going to stop showing up. It was born very organically, and that's exactly what happened. One guy – yeah, a couple guys left, and yeah, it changed over time. I mean, it's nice because you were originally called Six now, which isn't really a pun. That's not – no, no one gets that.

I mean, we know what you're going through. I mean, I think you were in the world of R&B music in college, and Jesse and I were in the equally glamorous world of improv. Sure. So, I mean, then that's a strategy. And that world, too – Two very sexy businesses. Yeah. Very sexy.

Similarly sexual. Yeah, very sexual. Did you guys do a lot of grinds and body rolls? We did, yeah. I mean, if that was the audience suggestion. Sure. Yeah, we'd be like, girl, I'm a bad dentist. Sure.

Hey, lady, I need a request of a profession from the audience. Girl, I heard you yell proctologist. So, I don't know. Maybe a reunion? I hope. Well, clearly we're building buzz now. I know, right? Here's something from Joe.

What's the worst movie you've ever seen? Not so bad, it's good. Just a straight up time-wasting piece of shit. Oh, boy. Yeah. Tomb Raider. Oh, I'm sorry. Just a straight up time-wasting piece of shit. Oh, boy. Yeah. Tomb Raider. Oh, I'm sorry. Batman and Robin.

That's the worst. Really? Batman and Robin. I've never seen Batman and Robin, but I read our friend Glenn Weldon's book about Batman, which I really enjoyed. And it has, I won't say a full-throated defense of Batman and Robin, but... More throat than you typically get for that movie. Yeah, and it's basically built around the idea that, you know, Joel Schumacher was inspired by the sense of camp that has often attended Batman. That Batman is often a figure of some camp, and Joel Schumacher is certainly a camp enthusiast

and that that was part of his goal and basically the film was in part caught up in the homophobic nerd wars of the early internet. Sure. Oh, homophobic nerd wars of the early internet. Sure. And I have decided, because I love Glenn Weldon so much, I'm just going to accept this theory wholesale and not check it by watching the movie Batman and Robin. I will tell you why I disagree.

Yeah. Because the whole one of the – I don't want to say the point of the Batman movies, but the Batman movies sort of did away with the – that was one of the things they were doing is doing away with the whole – the camp. Sure. They were darker. It was supposed to portray Batman in this very sort of specific way. And the other movies kind of fell in line with this. Batman in this very, you know, sort of specific way. And the other movies kind of fell in line with this. And the thing that I heard about Joel Schumacher is he said that his quote was, you know, Batman and Batman has been sort of brooding over his parents' death all this time.

I think it's time he got over that. Well, that's not Batman anymore. That's the thing of Batman. Yeah. So I don't. It's just. Oh, my God, it was so bad. You know, the fact that he's

driving down the, in the opening scene and he's driving down the road, Batman is, and he's Batmobile and the screen comes up and it's the commissioner. He's like, Batman, there's a new villain in town. No one, no one says not even in the, I mean, come on. Just, that's in the beginning of the movie.

There's a new villain in town. There's a new villain. How do you, do you meet him at the airport? Like, it was just a weird. Well, he signed up. He applied for a villain license. He went down to the Chamber of Commerce. Villain visa.

Those visas are hard to get. Oh, God. You can't just queue up for it. You've got to get sponsors. You've got to get letters of endorsement wow i think my worst movies are it's a it's a real toss-up between van wilder and the first transformers wow really yeah the one thing i remember from van wilder, and I think I've talked about this on the show before, is it's like a college prank movie. Yeah, so it's Van Wilder.

He's the king of pranks. And there's a scene where they, to get back at the snooty fraternity, they make a dog cum inside donuts with some sort of dog humping This sounds familiar. Apparatus and they send the cum filled donuts to the snooty fraternity. I think I said sorority. It's a fraternity. And then there's just a scene of these frat guys eating these cum

donuts and like loving it. Going like mmm like in a way that no one would ever eat anything. And for some reason that stands out to me as like the worst thing I've seen in a movie. Yeah. Going like, mmm, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom The guy who never graduated. Yeah, I thought that was very funny. And I thought Ryan Reynolds was great as that character. The movie was pretty forgettable until you mentioned that donut scene. I barely remember it now. And yeah, I think the first Transformers for me, it's kind of like, it's just, it was not a cool action movie because it's got that bad Michael Bay action where you don't know what's going on. But also it has so much bad comedy in it so it's a a mash-up of a of a it's not a

it's not satisfying in the action zone but you're also getting all these kind of like bad like fakey fake improv scenes i don't know so what did you think of the others i didn't i have not seen a transformer since see i thought that was the best of that kind of movie. And I've seen them all. And the rest of them are garbage. But the first one. So you're telling me they get worse. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. The first one, I was like, there's nothing spectacular about this movie except the way it looks. It still does have that Michael Bay thing you described where you're like, I don't really know what's going on. But it was still,

you know, I just thought it was the best version of this type of movie. Yeah. And then they all get worse. There's one where it's like, it's a bad movie, but it looks really,

it's beautiful. Sure. It looks spectacular. But otherwise, they all, yeah, don't watch the rest. I have not seen a ton of terrible movies because a whole part of my life is built around not watching anything that sucks.

Not out of haughtiness, just out of fear, basically. Yeah. Like a paralyzed, like I cannot watch something. You know, like a lot of people are like, like oh that's a great movie to have on in the background when you're like i can't do that oh really so it only like it has to actually be something that so in order for me to have seen a i mean like i saw music and lyrics on an airplane uh and frankly i kind of liked it yeah um But like there's very rare, especially now that you get to choose what you watch on an airplane, that I'll watch a whole movie that I have reason to believe might suck.

However, our first intern, our first Sound of Young America intern ever was a wonderful guy named Tim. And Tim's favorite movie was Love Actually. And he told me, you're going to love Love Actually, you should watch Love Actually. So I sat down and watched Love Actually. And for context, I want to say, as I just pointed out by saying

that I actually really enjoyed the movie music and lyrics, Hugh Grant, I get a kick out of every time I watch him. I enjoy Hugh Grant no matter what. I just remembered what Music and Lyrics is. Oh, my God. What that movie was. Yeah. Maybe Drew Barrymore.

I never saw it, but yes, I remember. It's not a good movie, but I enjoyed it. Okay. But Hugh Grant, I would watch Hugh Grant in a television commercial for Verizon, and I would be like, there's Hugh Grant stuttering his way through another charm fest. How much can he blink? How much can one man blink? Well, I saw Paddington number one, and I actually really liked that. Yeah, I really enjoyed Paddington.

And then I would also say that Laura Linney is maybe one of, if not my favorite actress. I both think she is a brilliant, brilliant talent. And I have long since teenage-dom had kind of a crush on her. Got a crush on her. And I think she's wonderful. And there are other brilliant actors in Love Actually as well. Alan Rickman is a wonderful actor. There are other brilliant actors in Love Actually as well.

Alan Rickman is a wonderful actor. Sure. However, it fucking sucks so bad. Love Actually. Maybe because I thought it was supposed to be good that I was judging it by the standards of a good movie. But I watched the whole thing. And by the end, I was so mad that i hadn't just turned it off at the beginning i i was like that sucked from beginning to end nothing was good about the whole shitty fucking movie why didn't you like it i didn't like anything about it i know a whole lot of

people who hate that movie i don't know what it maybe i'm broken inside i i actually really liked it i have never seen it to me the space it occupies in my world is uh i think we know we've talked about this on the podcast to that phenomenon of like when you say you haven't seen a movie and people are like oh my god you've never seen blank and then they yell at you for a weird amount of time uh you know and to me it's usually something from like our childhood like goonies goonies is like the quintessential one for me i've never seen i just saw it relatively recently and i didn't like it okay but you have to be a kid yeah yeah like our childhood, like Goonies. Goonies is like the quintessential one for me. I've never seen Goonies. I just saw it

relatively recently and I didn't like it. Okay. But you have to be a kid. Yeah, yeah. But to me, Love Actually is that movie that people do it to me,

but it's the most recent movie. That's so strange, though. It's like not from the 80s. People were like, you've never seen Love Actually and then you get a thing. Don't watch it. It fucking sucks.

I think it's, I mean, it's not the greatest movie in the world, but I don't know it it fucking sucks i i think it's i mean it's not the greatest movie in the world i i don't know why i really i enjoyed it for some reason but i can i mean i think you love you probably just love love i think it depends you love love go into expecting i mean i really think it may have been a completely different story had i not thought it was an actual good movie you know I don't... I saw that movie by myself in the theater. Cool. I remember that.

I'm flashing back to the moment. And there was a moment when somebody said something on the screen. That's how you know you're a professional stand-up comedian, by the way. You saw Love Actually by yourself in a movie theater. But I wasn't on the road. Oh, wow. I was at home. I remember that.

And I remember a moment where something happened on screen that was supposed to be funny or lighthearted. And I turned to the girl next to me. She was sitting a seat over, this stranger, to kind of that thing you do where like, yeah, right. And nothing. She was a stone just straight ahead. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. Did you explain to her that she probably knew you from Alice FM?

Oh, I wish I had. That would have been my in. Did you know that Kevin used to contribute to Alice FM where I briefly interned? Oh, I do now. Oh, wait. No. Was it Alice? Yeah.

Weren't you guys on Sarah and No Name? Or Sarah and Vinny? No, it was the- Was it Live 105? I think, yeah. It was the Woody show. Oh, there you go. Yeah.

There you go. How do I tell my friends I don't want to see the newest Star War? It's from Joel. Boy, there is... People feel too much about Star Wars. I know. Yeah, jeez. I know.

That's a tough one. You don't have to care anymore. You don't. You really don't. And I love it. Yeah, sure. I love Star Wars. Yes, I love seeing Star star wars i thought the new one was really terrific uh and i think it's something weird something that has happened with around the star wars is that there's

so many bad internet men who have made it their job to hate Star Wars. Yeah. Because it now has people of color and women. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see what you're saying. So I think that when you say- And pretty good movies. Yes, and coherency and jokes.

And it looks cool. That there's so many people who hate it because of that yeah that if you say i didn't like the new star wars or i'm not going to see the new star wars they immediately think you're doing that oh interesting oh interesting so i think i have i i have some friends and everyone's just defensive about everything i feel like i have some friends who say i am afraid to say that i didn't like this one because people will assume it's some sort of men's rights argument. And especially if you're a doughy guy with a beard, people are especially suspicious that you maybe don't like it for MRA reasons. Reporting for duty, sir.

Sure, yeah. Yeah, so I think if, Jesse, if you came out as anti-Star Wars, you would be dragged through the streets probably. Well, I would be pilloried as an ivory tower intellectual. Oh, sure, sure. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. I am just trying to imagine a world where anyone cares about me so much that they're

upset I didn't go to a movie with them. Yeah. I'm trying to imagine a world where someone invites me to the movies, frankly. Yeah, right. world where someone invites me to the movies, frankly. Yeah, right. Like, at the point where you have three children and are admittedly a lonely misanthrope. I did invite you to go see Love Actually with me.

That's true. That's true. Yeah. That's fair. Okay. What's your food of choice when you're eating out that you could eat again and again? That's from Jonathan. Oh. Eggs. Any kind of

egg dish. Really? Any egg dish. An omelet? An omelet. Denver omelet? Denver. Western omelet? Mm-hmm. Colorado omelet? I'm going to say yes to that. Is that just bigger? Rocky Mountain omelet? Mile high omelet? That one gets you high.

Gutter omelet? Goats in the mile high omelet? Mile high omelet? That one gets you high. Gutter omelet? Goats in the mile high omelet. Bronco omelet? Bronco, yeah. No, I'm an egg guy, but if I have eggs for like once, I won't eat them twice in the day. That's interesting. You're an egg man. I'm a walrus.

Oh, you are. Well, look at you. Well, choo-choo-choo. Perfect. Perfect. Well, I mean, I think if we're talking about eating out, I'm going to have to say pussy. Well done. You know what? You know what I will just have whenever it exists?

Onion rings. Got some in the fridge right now. I don't get sick of them. I just don't. I love onion rings. But you know what? Because I'm not a big French fry eater, I love onion rings disproportionately. Sure.

And I mean, I don't hate French fries, but I don't care about them particularly. Whereas I do really like onion rings. And onion rings is one of those foods where a garbage onion ring is still pretty good. Sure. Yeah. But I wish that there were more places that would actually make onion rings. You know what I mean? Like as opposed to just dump a bag of frozen onion rings into a –

Because it doesn't seem like it's – I've made onion rings before. It's not super complicated or anything. Is there a restaurant that does specialty onion rings that does like a – I would love that. Like a – you know. Oh rings? I would love that. That's our thing. We're the onion ring place. And everything else is a side.

Popular opinion, oh, where it's focused on the onion rings? Focused on the onion rings and maybe like- That would be a gut buster of hers. And it's called Ring of Fire or something like that. Maybe you can get a slider on the side. Yeah. If you want. If you want to get a little protein. Chicken tikka masala for me maybe.

Sure, yeah. I feel like that's one where even if you're eating it out of a frozen Trader Joe's meal, it's still pretty good. Yeah. I would say tacos are probably my favorite thing to eat overall. Yeah. But a bad taco sucks. to eat overall, but a bad taco sucks. Like you go somewhere where there's not a lot of tacos and you order a taco,

there's not enough things on there for it to be good. I don't know. If it's bad. A taco is just like, all right, you did your best. It's just the food, you know, like chicken and then some. What's on a taco? I also, you know, frankly, I feel the same way about pizza. I mean I love pizza as much or more as anybody else does, which everybody loves pizza. Sure.

It's amazing food. But like I don't – like Pizza Hut or something is kind of gross to me. Oh, really? Frankly, like I don't want to eat it. Yeah, I guess. Like when my wife was in law school, we went to a lot of events where there was free food, and the free food was a pile of Pizza Hut pizzas. Uh-huh.

And I don't like it. I would go out of my way. I've gone to a few Chuck E. Cheese's with my children for birthday parties. How is that pizza? It's horrible. Yeah? It's super gross. I haven't tasted it since I was a child.

It's worse than Yeah? It's super gross. I haven't tasted it since I was a child. It's like worse than Tombstone pizza. Do you know I heard they're encouraging adults to come into Chuck E. Cheese by themselves now? No. I'm not kidding. I mean, I did remember the thing a few years back where they're like, we have beer and wine now. Yes. For the millennial moms. I think they are now.

I had a long conversation with somebody and they were saying that. And I was like, well, what about this whole thing about kids? A while ago it was don't come in without kids. Sure. And a friend of mine, she's sort of a Chuck E. Cheese expert. Jamie Loftus, very funny comedian. She was saying, yeah, no, they're happy with them coming in. I know they're happy with them coming in.

Well, it seems like with the rise of the barcade, which I think every city with a hip neighborhood has one of these now, it seems like if you could coax the hipsters in, like saying, hey, kids are out of here at 8 o'clock, but after 8, we're breaking out the craft brews and the what have yous, you got a little income source right there. Yeah, there you go. I shouldn't say that. I think it was her that said that, but I don't know. I thought it was weird. If you could be any animal on earth, would you become another animal?

Would you animorph? It's from Tony. Briefly or permanently? I'm human all the way. Humans have dominion over the beasts. It's true. Other beasts don't know that. That's true.

Yeah. Because they've never read the Bible. Tell that to my cat. Okay. She's the boss. She's the boss. I'm with her. The cat.

Now wait. Is this I can morph back and forth? I think you have to do it once and... Oh no, I'm going to be a human. I think if I'm on my deathbed, I'll just transform into a monkey for a couple hours before I die. I'll do that. Okay. Yeah. That's fair.

Hang by my tail. It seems fun. Yeah. Or what about a mighty eagle? Ooh. Yeah, I'm going to go monkey. Caw, caw. You could fly.

Caw, caw. Yeah, but hanging by the tail seems like such a blast to me. You can do that now. You could hang by the legs. Yeah, but it's a tail and you're hanging by it. You peel something with your feet. I don't know. All right.

It just seems fun. Okay, here's something from Doc. My friend brings quinoa to work but calls it quinoa. Nope. Is he just trolling me? I mean, he has to be at this point. I was listening to our friend Helen Zaltzman's podcast, Answer Me This, which I recommend to all Jordan Jesse Go listeners, one of my faves. all Jordan Jesse Go listeners, one of my faves.

And she and her co-host, Ollie Mann, had an extensive discussion of quinoa or quinoa, something like that. Quinoa, maybe they were saying. I don't think British people know about quinoa. It's called quinoa. Oh, interesting. Huh.

Maybe they've only seen it written. Nothing has ever led me to more harshly judge other people than listening to them repeatedly say that wrong. And I don't even know if I'm right. Like, I want to be clear. It could be that in Peru or wherever quinoa is from, they call it quinoa. Yeah, maybe we've changed it. That's true. Quinoa is one of those foods that there's another one that I'm trying to remember now. But it's where i've

always known how to pronounce it but for a while when i would see it on the page i wouldn't i would just gloss over it i wouldn't whatever that is i wouldn't make the connection right like like uh when i was a kid i thought that there were two different words debris and debris yeah i've and Debris. Yeah, Arai and Ari. Mm-hmm. I had that. Yep. That's classic. What's a modern social convention

you wish would revert back to the old ways? And what's an enduring convention you wish would die already? Oh, boy. That's from Chase. From Chase.

So read it again. What's a modern social convention you wish would revert back to the old ways? And what's an enduring convention you wish would revert back to the old ways? And what's an enduring convention you wish would die already? For me, the answer to the first one is easy. Plague doctors.

Sure. With those big leather cones. Yeah. I would like doctors to wear big leather cones again. And I would like for my barber to do my surgery. Exactly. What? Cones?

Yeah. Pl plague doctors. They wore giant, like, bird noses made out of leather. What? Dude. That's not a thing. That's a thing? Yeah. Or was a thing?

That's what you want to combat? Clearly you haven't been to a lot of steampunk meetups. Wait. Is that... That's just what happened when I googled plague doctor. Oh, that. Wait. Is that? That's just what happened when I Googled plague doctor. So you're telling me. There's probably also a death metal band in there, too, isn't there? When there was a plague back then.

I'm just guessing. Yeah. That's what someone would really wear? They weren't just headed to a party, a masquerade ball as a crow? Yeah. All right. They were very fuckable. I guess, but you have to be careful with that thing coming down on your face, I bet.

In general, I'm a fan of modernity. Yeah. I like it. Of what? Modernity. Yeah, I mean, should we get rid of racism or something? Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Let's get rid of it. Let's say racism. Let's say racism. You might as well. Yeah, as long as we got... Well, we have the power, the sweeping authority. Okay. What's the right age to get my daughter into video games?

Should I get a Nintendo Switch? Tyler. Jordan, didn't you get a Nintendo? I don't have a Nintendo Switch. Oh, you have Nintendo Wii U. I have a Nintendo Wii U, which I bought a couple years ago drunk on Amazon. Okay. That is my first and only drunk Amazon purchase.

Like you were drunk on the power that Amazon gives us to have almost any product in the world delivered to our doors. Yes, exactly. I had not had any liquor. I was just drunk on the power. Yeah. You got drunk and then bought stuff online? Yeah, yeah. This is the only time.

I mean, I think it's a thing that people people talk about doing everyone you know i think anyone who drinks seems to have a story about oh my gosh i woke up and you know then this showed up a couple days later i don't think i've ever done that but i think because the minute i sit down if i've been drinking a lot if i've been drinking enough to make me just buy something crazy online, if I sit down. You're watching Love Actually. I'm watching Love Actually until I pass out. He loves love, folks.

The man loves love. But anyway, sorry, I interrupted. It might go back to your time in the romance-heavy world of R&B boy bands. Maybe just in that time you absorbed so much love. So much love. R&B boy bands. Maybe just in that time you absorbed so much love. So much love.

That you, that any movie that has love as a central theme, you're just drawn to. Yes, that's possible. Yes, so I bought a Wii U a couple years ago. There was a bundle, came with the new Smash Brothers. Okay. Yeah, and I think Nintendo people, they will all agree with the fact that maybe the Wii U, not their strongest system, a lot of fun games for it, but just didn't have the lifespan. But on the plus side, I got to play the new Zelda on it, which was great. The new Zelda is the best video game ever made.

And yeah, but as far as like when to get your kid into them, you know, as a guy who loves video games, and I genuinely do. I like them a lot and I think, you know, I love to play them. They're a really fun part of my childhood. I don't think you have to consciously try and get your kids into them. I don't think it's like an enriching thing. I feel like they'll just fall into it if they. Yeah. I was looking for. It's like They will find out about video games.

That's a thing your peers, you get drawn into with your friends and your peers. Yeah. I was trying to figure out what video game might be appropriate for my oldest kid, who's now six. Okay. And the main problem is the top suggestion was a video game we talked about on this show in the past, Starman Farm Game. And in that game, you obsess over planting crops and growing them. There's no reason to be doing it.

It starts to control your mind. You do it obsessively. All of a sudden, all you can think about is when your peach tree is going to bear fruit and whether you should make a jam out of the fruit once the fruit comes out of the peach tree. Okay? It's the worst possible thing that a child could get involved in. That's just life. It is just a nightmare. It is a horrible nightmare, this thing.

So I also got this game called Unravel. So I also got this game called Unravel, and it's where you're like a ball of string that's running around, and you're navigating through a sort of melancholic world of memory. That sounds fun. What? And it's a really lovely kind of puzzle-ish game. It has a nice pace, so it doesn't take over your mind. And my daughter thinks it's really cool and it's really beautiful to watch her play and see her

and it's very challenging to her to figure out the puzzles. It just sounds like an existential dream. Like, how is this ball of yarn just unraveling? It's made by some Scandinavians, I think. Ah, sure. Wow. I think, like, the main thing for me is that certainly almost any kid will react to the kind of video games

that just have a lot of input and reaction, like a lot of button pushing, your Super Mario type games. And there are games like that that are really great games, like Super Mario. But I don't know if that's really good for kids to do with their brains. I think it's a little brain scrambling. Yeah. You both have games like a Nintendo or – I have an Xbox and Jordan has a PlayStation. I've been threatening to get a PlayStation forever and I have yet to buy one. They're a lot of fun.

I know. I'm just afraid I won't – And they're cheap now too. I'll get sucked into it and then I won't do anything else. It's a concern. It's a concern. It's a concern. Don't get Skyrim because then you'll just play Skyrim for a year. What kind of games do you traditionally like to play?

All I want are like Batman and Star Wars games. Those exist. I heard I should get the PS4. I went all the way through this Batman game. Yeah. I don't know what it was about. Was it Arkham or whatever? Yeah, I sure liked pretending to be Batman. I know. It's a lot of fun. It's so fun. And I don't know what it was about. Was it Arkham or whatever? Yeah, I sure liked

pretending to be Batman. I know. It's a lot of fun. It's so fun. And I don't even care about Batman. I will say that that Batman game is a life ruler, but it's brief.

It's not like one of those games that just keeps going and going. You'll be soups into it for two weeks, but then it ends. I did have, I have an original PlayStation. Cool.

PS1? No, not the PS1. I think there was just a PlayStation and then there was a PS1 after that, right? Someone explain this to me. So yeah, so the PlayStation, so I think they rebranded it as PS1 and they put out a, but it's the same machine. It must be this. Okay.

And I played Tomb Raider on that. I played Tomb Raider and I played Resident Evil. The subject of the worst movie you've ever seen. Oh, yeah. And I got sucked into that. I remember sitting in bed for hours just playing Tomb Raider and Resident Evil. Yeah. And then I got rid of it and I, you know.

And became a successful professional comedian and comedy writer. Sure. And you're looking at your torpedo pole. Maybe had romantic relationships. I don't know. I'm trying to destroy everything and comedy writer. Sure. And you're looking at torpedoes. Maybe had romantic relationships. I don't know. I'm trying to destroy everything I've built. Yeah. I also bought this game.

I have not tried playing it with my daughter. But it's some kind of Kinect game where it's like Disney music concert Fantasia something. I don't know. I can give that a try. Sure. There you go. Sounds like fun. Full-throated recommendation.

I think this game's been sitting around. I heard it was kind of good. There's nothing hotter than Kinect games these days, too. Got that dead interface. Yeah. Get your kids on the hottest interface. What's a trend, fashion, or lifestyle from the past that you would like to see make its comeback in 2018?

Hammer pants. Yeah, I mean, I think we... You were quick with that. You were really ready with that. You had it. That just popped in right away. They're comfortable. Yeah.

They looked cool back then. And if we all start wearing them again, they'll look cool again. Now, how different are they, though, from the harem pant that had its big return four or five years ago? I think they're the same. They're probably easier to wear because they have a less dropped crotch. Yeah, that hammer pants were actually, that was the proper name, drop crotch pants. Those feel super comfortable. You're just moving all this space to move around.

Yeah, exactly. Go down, head down're just moving all this space to move around. Yeah. Exactly. Go down, head down to the Chess King and get yourself a pair. Oh, man. Hit Oak Tree and go get some and a nice

shimmery rayon shirt. You're good to go. Some patent leather shoes. Yeah. I'm going to say Big Johnson shirts. Oh, God. Okay, finally break

your collection back out. Yeah, right? I had a collection of those. Oh, nice. What was your prized Big Johnson shirt? I, uh, Finally break your collection back out Yeah right I had a collection of those Oh nice What was your prized Big Johnson shirt I don't even want to The one that I remember It was liquor in the front poker in the rear

Yes it was That's the one that makes me throw up the most I was like I wore this in public Oh my god Jesus We were not allowed Big Johnson shirts At my house My mom was pretty strict about that We were not allowed Or I was at my house. My mom was pretty strict about that.

We were not allowed – or I was not allowed. That must have been very difficult for you because local laws in Orange County actually required you to wear them to be admitted to the school system. Yeah, right. Exactly. So I had to get bused to another school district. It was really complicated. San Diego County. My mom would not let me buy a cross-colored shirt because she said it was gang-related.

Oh, wow. Yeah, so. Dude, I could get, you know, we've talked about the actual happening return of cross-colors. But if cross-colors came back so hard that white people were allowed to wear them again, I think so fondly of my one pair of cross-color shorts that I managed to get my hands on in the cross colors at the peak of cross colors, you know, like purple and green. Yeah. I think of them so fondly.

There's so many pictures of me wearing them at Disneyland, visiting my grandparents. Whatever. And, you know, I really support a message of transracial communication and love. Sure. You know? I had off-brand. Let's bridge those gaps. Let's bridge them.

Put them all together. Yeah. With all kinds of pastels. Yeah. That's really what it's all about. Orange and... You just had, like, universal colors. Yeah.

Yeah, I just... I had... Advertised by speech from Arrested Development. I had... I remember I had oneed Development. I had, I remember. When Baba OJ and I are getting dressed for a lazy Saturday. Oh my God, you remember that guy's name? Baba OJ. Forgot about that.

Yeah, I had a pair of. It was a rap group with an old man in it. He was there for his wisdom. Yes, he didn't do anything. He never said anything. How do we know he was wise? He was behind the scenes. He was showing his signature wisdom.

He's writing it down, probably. He was probably on the boards. Yeah. That's why their second album, Zingala Maduni, was so successful. Because of the wisdom of Baba OJ. Oh, my God. Who else was in that group? There was a lady.

There were two ladies. Two ladies. One of them was Dionne Farris, who went on to do a solo thing. And then there was the other woman who was bald. And there was Baba OJ. And Baba OJ in speech. Yep. Huh.

Cross colors. Yeah. I'd be pretty into the return of cross colors. I'd be down with it. It's coming. I mean, I know I'm a fancy dad now, and it's not really appropriate for my age category. But let's face it. You're on the bus.

You see somebody wearing Carl Connie. Is it appropriate for their age category? No. Not at all. No. That's all right. And I could finally get that cross color shirt that I was denied as a kid. And then I could finally get involved in some gang stuff.

Those were anything but gang colors. I know. That was the opposite of gang colors. I think your mom, to be fair, was right about Big Johnson shirts. That's true. I should not have worn those. Yeah, she was right. I think that just, you know, when we were growing up, you know,

there's a lot of hysteria on the local news about what gangs were doing. And I think moms probably didn't have a lot of information. Yeah. So they're just making a judgment based on the information they were given. Mm-hmm. And sometimes they were right, and sometimes they were wrong. You ever have a pager? No, I never had a pager.

Oh, I did. I definitely had a pager, and my dad was opposed to it because he thought it would make me seem like a drug dealer. Sure. Not a doctor? I know. The show Doogie Howser had probably already come out by then. I was much more convincing as a Doogie Howser than I was as a drug dealer. I think that's a good point.

Even in a neighborhood with many more drug dealers than Doogie Howser. If you were the one person who'd be like, oh, I've got to get to work. Yeah. I was just talking about. They need me in surgery. Yes. I was just talking to... They need me in surgery. Yes. I was just talking to someone about my pager today. I had a pager that would give you text messages.

And it was an 800 number. And you would... So if you were going to page me, you'd call it an answering service. Someone would get Kevin Avery's paper, whatever the hell. Holy shit. And then you... What are you, fucking Spencer for hire? I don't know what was

going on with me and but you would call and leave your message and then they have to read it back to you and then i would get this thing on my pager and al magical used to call me he paid he would pay me every now and then with these very sexually suggestive homoerotic messages and, he was like, yeah, and they have to read it back to you. And you could hear it in the guy's voice. He's just so annoyed to have to say this. And so every once in a while, he would wait long enough for me to forget that it was a thing. And then every once in a while, I'd get, had a great time. You give the best hot tub massages ever.

Your hands are wonderful. You know, and I'm like, oh, good old Al. It's okay. Actually, I know. I'd love to, oh, oh, good old Al. It's okay. Actually, I know. I'd love to get a text message like that from Al Madsickel. I,

I, I never had a pager, but I was, so pager codes is a thing, right? Yeah. If you text somebody, I love you.

So, yeah, Kevin, what's the pager code for love actually? Oh, wow. What?

I think it's really just the shrug emoji. Yeah. Ultimately, that's just like, maybe this is good. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Go. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories

in innovative ways using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this. But let's face it, all that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in. It's so stupid.

It's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop podcasting yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes or MaximumFun.org Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, that. It's a bad promise. Why are we getting in this business? I know, really. Did you say the same about 2017? Yeah, we were really emphatic about it. Like, ooh, I hope David Bowie

dies again. Yeah, people genuinely believed 2017 was going to be a great year because 2016 sucked so bad. And now, look at us. We're back in the same place. I know. What's next year going to bring? Maybe we should get a new pet or something. Jesus Christ. Oh, that might be nice. Like a guinea pig?

Sure. Those are cute. Get a porg? Yeah, porgs. Yeah. You know, we're probably... I mean, I think it's in Disney's best interest at this point to open up a genetic lab. Yeah.

And start creating some of these things that we see on screen. Porgs. Crystal dog. It can be done. Others. Is that a dog? I thought it was a cat. No, it was like a dog.

Rabbit horse. It's really a fox. Yeah. It's sort of foxy. I think those... But I thought it was a little like a lynx. I think those animals... That's probably the closest.

...are designed so brilliantly, because no matter what kind of person you are, you can see your favorite animal upon that. That's probably the closest. Animals are designed so brilliantly because no matter what kind of person you are, you can see your favorite animal upon that. That's true. I'm racist and it looked white to me. Yeah. So I didn't judge it. There you go.

Can I say a sincere thing about that Star Wars movie? Yes. Sure. I know it's a little late now by the time this runs, but I fucking love looking at all those different space animals and space creatures. It's great. I don't care about that in any other movie besides Star Wars movie, but like even in the back, like even in like the Phantom Menace or whatever. Yeah.

I just love looking at all those different space animals and space creatures. I do like when they come up with a good one that's unique and interesting. Like the thing they, when see uh one of the characters he milks one of them oh yeah that was kind of those look really cool and they're just sitting there on the bit like it looks like this is a you're i'm in this real different world now that's yeah it's always fun it's it's and i because i was watching that milking part sorry spoilers for the last jedi somebody gets milked in the last someone gets milked yeah and i'm watching that milking scene and i'm like you, it's shit like this is why

these movies are a little long. But Adam Carey's milking that thing. He's looking at him. Yeah. He's going to drink its milk. There you go. I like it. Kevin Avery, what a joy it's been to have you here on the program.

Love coming over here. Kevin Avery, people, we can folks see you doing any stand up anywhere anytime soon? Um, maybe by the time this comes, when? I don't know when. Avery, we can focus. Are you doing any stand-up anywhere anytime soon? Maybe by the time this comes. When? I don't know when. We're looking at January. Well, you'll have just missed me at Cobb's Comedy Club the 28th, 29th, and 30th.

I'm sure you were great. Great work at Cobb's. Yeah. You'll read about it in the paper. North Beach loves Kevin Avery. Indeed. Otherwise, I don't know what I'm doing in the new year. Well, you got a great job on a new show. Yeah.

But I'll still... Well, Jim Jefferies is back in March. There you go. So check that. March 27th, I believe, is when we're coming back on the air. Comedy Central. That guy's engaging hot button issues. He really is.

The hottest of buttons. Yeah. And he's doing it with a foreigner's eye. Mm-hmm. Oh, different perspective a little bit. Frankly, I don't think he should have been allowed in the cove. Oh, and he's doing it with a foreigner's eye. Different perspective a little bit. Frankly, I don't think he should have been allowed in the cove. Okay, alright. Well, see, that's one of those hot buttons

you usually talk about on the Jim Jeffery Show Comedy Central Tuesdays at 10.30. See, that's a plug, Jordan. That's a good plug. That's a good plug. I'm tuning in. You can join us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. And remember, if you have any corrections for this week's program, where should people send those, Jordan?

Those are at GasStationTV on Twitter. Yes, our Twitter, at GasStationTV. At GasStationTV. The company that puts the little screens on gas pumps. I am at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is- I guess, do they put the screens or do they program the screens? I don't know.

Probably both, right? Probably both. Probably both. It's not like you get a pump with screens and then you got to decide between Gas Station TV and Comcast. Sure. No, wait. I think there's a different company that installs the TVs.

It might be different. Roadrunner. That's a hardware software issue. I think you're right. They kind of split that down. Right. Yeah. Anyway, at Gas Station TV, if you had any problems with today's show.

Danny Baruela is on the board this week. If you hated the milking in Star Wars. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. The show is called Jordan Jesse Go. We'll get you back to floor coverings next week. Bye. Bye. We'll get you back to floor coverings next week.

Bye.