Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 515: Catillion with Haley Mancini

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

Jordan and Jesse take a break from their usual deep dive on weather to shoot the breeze with writer and voice-over celebrity Haley Mancini. They get into the time Haley and Jordan judged a raucous cat poetry contest; Haley's obese kitty, BB-8; and Jesse's daughter's magical new holiday. Action Item: Call in about the things you've lost inside your body! 206-984-4FUN! It's the last week to buy the 2018 JJGo slogan t-shirt -- Hard As A Rock, Wet As A River! Get it by Wednesday January 24th at 5pm!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan, Jesse Goh, it's all weather all the time. Our weather predictions, weather science, barometric pressure. Sun, rain, sleet? Who knows?

Only one way to find out by listening to Jordan Jesse Go. Can I ask you a question, Jordan? Yes. Only if it's about the weather. We've been doing this show for 10 years. And, of course, every week on the program, we deliver what weather nerds love. Barometric pressure. Sure. pressure sure sleet only one way to find out here highs lows fronts here's my concern both cold and warm we've been doing a

lot of weather reports and weather projections it's not a live program right so they're not always the most timely. I mean, I think... I mean, I have heard, I think a lot of our iTunes reviews, you know, great hosts, fun energy, useless. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, had we gotten that one episode out earlier, faster, a few years ago, and this was, of course, Brian's fault, but had we got...

Then I think New Jersey would have been a lot safer in the hurricane or superstorm. Sure. I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to this kind of thing. Well, hey, that's your job. And mine too as the co-host of this weather program. Here's my thought about it. Maybe this week instead of doing weather stuff, let's take a week off for a group. We'll just dedicate this episode to shooting the breeze with a guest from the world of Entertaining.

Oh, shooting the breeze. So that kind of ties it in. Yeah. I like that. I think we should call it shooting the breeze. Unless you want to call it like stormy weather. Yeah. Has stormy, maybe it's cold outside. Yeah. Yeah. Has stormy, but baby, it's cold outside.

Yeah. Yeah. I've always found that song to be a little diehard. I'm sorry. I just, I think about weird stuff. That song seemed a little diehard-y to you? Yeah, I like it. I mean, shooting the breeze is good.

Yeah, I like it. I mean, shooting the breeze is good. I mean, I like to think of my conversation as more of a torrential downpour. Right. Because of the strength and power of my takes. Well, certainly when it rains, it pours. That's true. But yeah, but I mean, I think I can probably scale it back and, you know, put my natural intensity on the back burner.

Can I ask you a question about salt real quick? Sure, I guess so. Was the main thing about salt previously that when it rained, it would get clumpy? I don't know. Why are you bringing this up? Before Morton Salt invented when it rains, it pours. I didn't know Morton Salt invented that. Yeah, that's their when it rains.

Well, they didn't invent the phrase when it rains, it pours. They alluded to it through their slogan when it rains, it pours. Now, I. They were talking about salt. Now, again, Jesse, I'm a one podcast kind of guy. Right. I know you're a guy with multiple shows. Sure.

Got Bullseye. That's my NPR weather program. Right. And then, of course, Judge John Hushman. Your history of logos program. Yeah. Don't try and rope me into program. Right. And then, of course, Judge John Hushman. Your history of logos program. Yeah. Don't try and rope me into that. Right.

Anyway. So let's do that. Let's shoot the breeze. I'll try and keep my torrential opinions out of it. We have a guest here, actually. We have a guest who- Is what a coincidence. Who actually was experiencing some weather today.

Really? Would you like to introduce her? I would love to. Hey, our guest today, who is experienced weather. Yes. A comedian. Yes, finally. Somebody acknowledging what I've experienced. A writer.

A voiceover actress, whose voice you might know from the Powerpuff Girls program. You know what? I'm upgrading that. A voiceover celebrity. Yeah, sure. Wow. We just got upgraded to Superstorm celebrity. Watch out. Wow.

Past guest Dana Snyder, I guess. She's gunning for you. It's Haley Mancini. Hi, Haley. Yeah, thanks, guys. What an introduction. This is like how my parents

introduced me in Colorado. They're like, she's a voiceover celebrity. Do some of your voices. Yeah, and then people are like, what's voiceover? And they're like, well, your voices, the cartoons don't come with the voices. And then people are like, what? Okay, listen.

Why don't they just use the character's actual voice instead of bringing in an actor? Yeah, exactly. They're like, why don't they just let it live naturally? And they ignore me and go, but it's true. Ah, a train is coming out of the street. Those Colorado bumpkins. And it's all being projected on a sheet in a barn, right?

It's all, yeah. A heel heel. That's exactly. They get together in the town square and they project episodes of Powerpuff Girls on a sheet in the barn. I love that you think

we'd have a town square that's still so Euro. No, you're right. I think that maybe- It's just we put a couple cows at markers. They stand around and that dictates where the town square is. Exactly. And if the cows move, then it's all fucked. Absolutely.

And you know what? I'm really excited to be here discussing weather with you guys. Thank you. And I love listening to everybody talk about that. In a retro, I'm glad it comes out after I've experienced the weather. Yeah. Weather to me is like a memory album. Yeah, exactly.

That's true. It is a lot like a memory album. It's great to review. That's why we called the show, for a long time, we called the show The Way We Were. The Way We Were. Wow. Then after that tsunami, we're calling it The Waves We Were. But then people said that was insensitive.

Yeah, it was tragic. It was tragic. More than it was an occasion for puns. Haley, the last time we worked together. I should explain. After they didn't want us to use The Waves We Were for the weather podcast because of the tsunami, which I understand entirely, I did have some success moving the waves we were over to that podcast I was doing about the band Waves with two Vs. Oh, sure. Good for you.

I mean, you got to make lemonade. Yeah, exactly. When God gives you a murderous tsunami, make lemonade. You just got to make lemonade. And, of course, there was that confusion because I was doing the Traffic App podcast, The Ways We Work. Oh no. Boo. Boo.

Haley, the last time we worked together, speaking of celebrity, we were asked to be the judges the celebrity judges of a cat poetry contest oh my gosh that's right that's what we were doing and boy let me tell you something which cat had the best poems oh it was people talking about their cats this time this time but you know what who you know who wins in my heart? My cats always win their poetry competition. Yeah. Bebe and Wu-Tang. There they are. Bebe ate and Wu-Tang.

Sure. So everybody knows. Which, by the way, I took. I'm sorry about the tragic deaths of Bebe's one through seven, too. Yeah. It really sucks to go through seven cats. But you know what I have a feeling

About this one So you're up This is a two cat situation For you now Two cat sitch Had an ex Didn't He got it

Wu-Tang And then he You know After the breakup It was like He was like He kind of walked out On his child baby

So single mom Holding it down Yeah Working day in the studio And you're very brave You're very brave. Thank you. Thank you.

I think single mothers are courageous. Thank you. I do too. Instead of seeing all these, having all these movies about superheroes blowing things up, I think we should have movies about single moms blowing things up. Yes. Exactly. Yes.

Especially cats. Especially, yeah. That's what happens. We think of them one through seven. Boom. We're doing our best. Yeah. Yeah. cats. That's what happens when you think it's one through seven. Boom! Pow! Pow! You know,

and, you know, I took Woo in for, she had to have her physical before I could get her insured

because she's like a year and a couple months. What kind of insurance are we talking about?

Pet insurance in case they get sick. I thought it was like Tina Turner's legs insurance. Oh, yeah. Like this cat is so cute. I got to insure her.

She's insured by Lloyd's of London. Disfigurement. That's right. Lloyd's of London. Feline. Little do they know how common cat disfigurement is. Yes. You just don't know.

The cat explosion enthusiast. Exactly. They're calm like yours. It's just don't know. You never know the cat. Exactly. Calm like yours. It's just, it's, you know, it comes with the territory. But Woo is,

she weighed in at seven pounds, which is five pounds less than Bebe. So it turns out both Woo is small and Bebe is, oh, Bebe's. Oh. So yes, it turns out i i've really failed and i put bb on a diet for a while like i put her on a diet and i had like i took a did a photo shoot i was like i'm gonna take take some befores yes because i was going to print one of them and when she i was convinced

she would lose the weight and then she was gonna run through an old picture of herself you know right holding a giant pair of jeans i was like her old collar like yeah like don't need this anymore and i'm coming up i don't want i want to sleep in the bed. You know what, though? Yeah. It's so true. And then, you know, and then I took her and I was, like, really excited to bring her in for her, like, yearly thing after that. And I was like, this is it. And she had lost precisely zero. Well. She hadn't gained.

There's something to maintaining there's something impressive about I guess I thought she really had lost it I was like does that mean I just got stronger by lifting up my obese cat are you how do you put a cat on a diet cause my cat

and again I think she's beautiful asking for a cat real cats have curves full figure cats she's beautiful Asking for a cat Real cats have curves Right Full figure cats She's full figure cats She's a dove model She's a BBC Big beautiful cat

Jordan I agree with you As a man with a daughter A wife And a mother Uh huh Hey Wow

I think that real cats Sure Men that are related to women Sure Are really amazing Yeah I mean as a man Who is not related to any

women, I don't understand their plights. You know what? It's too bad for you. Because it's real plight. Someday you might be related to one. How does one... I do feel like my cat is a little bit chunky.

I think people remark on it when they come to see the cat. Which is a little insensitive. Yeah, I think so it when they come to see the cat. Which is a little insensitive. Yeah, I think so too. I agree. Jordan, have you noticed this? This is one of the main ways that cats become obese. They take a small fish like a sardine or a kipper. They lift it up in the air and they put their mouth facing upwards.

They put it down into their mouth and then they go and they pull out the skeleton. Now the rest of the fish has gone right inside them. Here's what's happening with my cat. A kipper. Does not pull out the skeleton. That might be it. That might be the diet. Make sure to pull out the skeleton.

That's what you've been doing. You've been manually pulling out the skeleton. Oh no, I taught Bebe how to. Oh, okay. I was like, Bebe was going full hog on it, and then I was like, Bebe. Watch these Heathcliff episodes. Yeah, I was like, come on, Bebe, get it together. Be a lady.

And, you know. Be a lady and pull out the bones. Listen, if you want to be in my house, you're going to be a lady. You can't swallow those. A tree will grow out of your stomach. That's right. She went to be in my house you're gonna be a lady no you can't swallow those a tree will grow out of your stomach she went to catillion you know that's that's really good i was i was i want here's what i wanted to do here's let me walk you through my reaction to that i wanted to clap but then i but then i know we had been doing that sarcastic clapping for sure being performatively woke.

So I'm like, I don't want to get confused. When you're not related to any women. So this could be a thing. Yeah, that's probably why I don't. Yeah, you don't want to overstep some bounds. So that's fair. You know what? I appreciate it.

I appreciate the mental clap. Yeah, thank you. The mental, that sounds like syphilis. So did you. Mental syphilis. You're right. It's when you're having an emotional. It's a mental clap.

It's when you're having an emotional affair with someone. You can get the mental clap. The mental. That's what, that happened to me when I hired a prostitute to listen to the Dead Prez song. Mind sex with me. Right, right. Mind sex. Yeah.

Mind sex. There's a part where they say they're going to eat a salad with croutons on the futon. There you go. And play some chess. The origin of the word mindfuck, you know, is actually talking about mind. So did you change your cat's diet? I did. I went down to, I did like wet food at night because she really doesn't like wet food as much.

And then I did like a less, like a smaller scoop in the morning. And she was not thrilled about it. Sure. But. They're creatures of routine. Right. She just, you know, she felt a little slighted, but then here is the thing. It just didn't work.

I did exactly what the doctor did, and then we got this kitten, and the kitten was just mowing all of her food. Like, she's just taking Bebe's food. And Bebe's still just, you know, she's just, baby, she was born that way. Like, I can't control it. And that's why I just, I gave up. And the kitten just stays skinny. And so I have a fat cat and a skinny cat.

But they're a classic comedy, too. I mean, they truly are. They are the original odd couple. And what a ride. Sure. It's convenient that only one has a mustache. Yes, exactly. Thank you.

That's how you can really, really tell them apart. So when we got asked to judge this cat poetry contest, I was, you know, and we got asked, this was put on by a guy we knew from UCB. Yes. Joey Cliff. Yes. Great guy.

Great guy. Does a great cat talk show. Check it out if you're in town. He does. It's really fantastic. I'm like, oh, this will be kind of like a comedy show type thing. And, you know, it's for a pet charity. I don't remember the name.

I wish we could shout that out. It was for the Kitty Bungalow, I think. The Kitty Bungalow. Which is such an adorable name. Mm-hmm. So, I mean, there were some comedy people there doing kind of joke cat poems. Right. But then there were a handful of people who just did serious poems about their dead cats.

Right, which was like, we're supposed to be deciding this. And it's like, ha ha, that one was hilarious. But then it was like, this is what happens at the Oscars, people. They're all getting thrown in the same category for best picture. And I tell you. Right. Somebody wants to pick Get Out. Yeah.

But then there's a Holocaust movie. Right. And, well, guess what? Who's to say which one is better? Exactly. So we had the choice. Racism or the Holocaust? Yeah.

Sure. Which do you prefer? Up to you. Mm-hmm. And so it was like, there was this one that was, like, really heartfelt and, like, got me choked up. And then there was, like, a lady that dressed as P-22, the local mountain lion. Oh, yeah. And was like, ah, yeah, buddy.

And I was like, ah, this is tough, man. This is real tough. This is tough. That is a very funny, funny, like, L.A. regional thing is that we have celebrity mountain lions and they're P- and then a number. Yeah. And that, of course, like, the most L.A. thing ever is they put up a stop. You should look up P-22 if you're listening. The only mountain line to cross the 405.

Yeah. He's like really kind of a big deal. And they set up a motion capture photo thing at the top of the hills. And they got him roaring in front of the Hollywood sign. He was crazy. So thirsty. So thirsty. You should see the Instagram likes on that, though.

He was holding a kind bar so you can see the label. He was a dick. He had just finished Runyon. It was like... And then he was like... Rewarding myself with that ace of spades. It was like only in LA did our mountain lion find just the right place to do this photo. Who won the contest?

Was it a sad one or a happy one? It was a funny one. I think it was Leslie's. So you know what happened? So there was two when, didn't we have to vote and then there was a cat that broke the tie? There was a kitten that broke the tie. I got to hold a kitten the entire time and she was like meh, meh, meh, like every once in a while. And then I like cried multiple times when she was meowing because I was like, oh, life is predatory.

Sure. We're all so fragile. Oh, my God. Circle of life. We're all so fragile. Oh my God. Circle of life. We're all so fragile. Child cat. I can't believe I have to feed this

to a lion. It's part of the show. Yeah. And so like then we both I can't believe I have to put this in my mouth

and then take out its bones. This is super weird. How did they rope me into this? Why do I why am I agreeing? I'm not getting paid. And they so yeah we, we split our votes on a dramatic one and a funny one.

Right. And then the tiebreaker was the kitten. We told the kitten, we held the kitten up to the mic and we said, did you like this one? And it was our friend Leslie's one. And she went, me! And then we were like, oh my. And then everybody in the audience exploded. Have you seen those?

It was like, if I can kind of set the scene here. Do a metaphor. At this cat poetry contest, when the cat meowed on cue for the winner of the poetry contest. Yes. Have you seen those videos of high school talent shows where someone flips a water bottle no okay so you know how kids now or good thanks for painting this picture for this picture that means nothing to me yeah wait so what is it

have you seen the sketches from yoda roski's dune um. Like, it's a very, it's a popular, popular kind of viral video where, like, a kid will come out on stage during a talent show and he'll do that thing where you flip a water bottle. Yeah. And then shit gets crazy in that auditorium. Oh, really? This is like that. It was like that. It was like that. It was like that. There was like so many people like, you know, all of that pent up energy from the weekend rolling into 7 p.m. on a Sunday.

And there it was. This is where it broke. That kitten meowed. And people were like, it was like the Beatles. Right. All over again. I was at a birthday party this morning. Okay.

I'm not trying to brag, but for a very cool, now seven-year-old named Ellis. Whoa, whoa. Yeah, so I was over there in Glass Hill Park. Sure. Jamming out the jams. What are we talking? We're talking jumper, pony rides, clown, any of this. All of this?

Number one, Ellis already has a giant trampoline in his backyard. Oh, God. So he is the cool kid. Yeah. Yeah. He knows where he sits. But his parents were like, we got these people to bring animals to the party. So you're going to look forward to that.

We got these animals at the party. Right. I'm thinking, okay, great. We're going to have some bunny rabbits. Yeah. We're going to have some bunny rabbits. Yeah. We're going to have a goat, maybe. Sure. Right.

A single llama. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Something along those lines. That would be a full compliment. Right. And I guess I'm thinking of like if you work in a fun, like techie office, sometimes they'll

get like the puppy brigade to come over and you can look at all the fun we have here at our office. Which is so great. Have you gotten the puppy brigade at your office before? At an office, I should say. I haven't, but I got to be part of a puppy shoot at an office. That's great. Wow. Where there's multiple puppies. So do they give the puppies

a head start? Yeah. Or do they just pile them up and start firing? Pile them up and start firing, David. Wow. Let me tell you. So it's less sporting and it's more like or a rifle virus. Pile them up and start firing, baby. Yeah. Let me tell you. So it's less sporting, and it's more like when you pay $10 and they give you a baseball bat to hit a truck at the county fair? Yes, except petting puppies.

Got it. So the man comes, and he's dressed like— The animal man. The animal man, and he's dressed like Jack Hanna, Jungle Jack Hanna. Love it. The world's famous not real scientist. You guys know that about Jack Hanna? Not real.

Yes. No. No credentials. He's just, yeah. He's a rock star scientist. Like his thing, like, oh, he is the honorary whatever of the San Diego Zoo. Like, that's just because the San Diego Zoo saw him getting on television and said, oh, he is the honorary whatever of the San Diego Zoo. That's just because the San Diego Zoo saw him getting on television

and said, well, we could get some free promo if we... Let's claim this guy. Sure, yeah. Okay, so anyway. It's like how doctor is a title, jungle is a title. Yeah. I love... I didn't go to eight years of jungle school. We called Mr. Hannah. So, Jungle Jack

Hannah slash Krat Brother Man comes. Shorts? Khaki shorts? Cargo pants. Cargo pants. Full-length cargo pants. And he sets up what you might call an adventure shirt. Okay.

He sets up a table in the back part of the backyard, and I didn't even see him do this. So I didn't see any animals come in or anything. And he says, I'm going to do this at the table. And I'm thinking like, what animal could possibly come out from behind a table that would make this worth paying a man to come to a birthday party? Lo, how wrong I was. I'm just going to list a few of the animals that came out from behind. Again, a standard Costco six-foot folding table. Okay.

First of all, alligator. What? That seems dangerous. Kind of big alligator. What? Not like a giant alligator, but at least like a three or four-foot alligator. That's a pretty big alligator. Yeah.

Did he have like a rubber band on his mouth? Nope. Okay. So he's just straight chilling. He's chilling. Rubber bandless. Guy's just hanging him by his tail.

Like who wants to touch the... He's holding him by his tail. Is that cool? Apparently this guy was pretty chill about it. He seemed knowledgeable. He's like, don't worry. I'm comfortable.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, these are called osteoderms. Who wants to touch the osteoderms? So this is an alligator? So, okay. So a fucking alligator comes out.

A kookaburra. A kookaburra? I love kookaburras. And they got the kookaburra. And they get him to laugh? We all got him to do that together. Whoa. Oh my gosh, that is so cool.

By making the sound ourselves, we convinced the kookaburra to do it. And then he goes like, ha, ha. I hear at those parties you teach the kids a filthy limerick to make it. Yeah, exactly. That's what I heard. Yeah. Really get them. So was this man from Australia?

No, he was a regular man. Standard. Standard man. Regular man. From a, not from a prison island. He had, okay, he brings out an armadillo. This is great. This is from

behind one table. So these things are all interacting before? I'm sitting here like, what the hell? Before he brings them out, there's just these things all together behind a table together, not killing each other. I have no idea how it works. I frankly, it boggles my mind.

Are they all doped up? He brings out a porcupine? They've got to be doped up. Yeah, they're doped. He brings out a porcupine? Yeah. You guys know about porcupines? Yeah, there's porcupines.

It was a hedgehog type porcupine, but still very spiny. Yeah. Those are the same as hairs. He catches a bug, a bad tasting poisonous bug. The hedgehog does. Yeah, and he goes, chews it up and then spreads it on his little spinies. What? So that.

So that they're poisonous. When he rolls up in a circle, then a lion or whatever comes by. And it's like. Dr. Robotnik, continue. And it's like, Dr. Robotnik, continue. And it's like, this nasty, and leaves. The famous porcupines of the savannah. Yeah.

This was an African pygmy hedgehog. Oh, it was? It was an African animal. Lions want to eat it. So, oh my god. Then a fucking monkey. What? A real monkey. How does the alligator not kill the monkey? They're natural enemies.

I have no idea. Whoa. Particularly given that the monkey had no teeth. What? See? That's why he can't live with the other monkeys. Sure. Why doesn't he?

Where did his teeth go? What happened? He used to be an organ grinder monkey. You are kidding. And they detoothed them? They detoothed them so they don't bite anyone. They should have told the kids that it ate too much candy and then you got a lesson in there about brushing. That would have been a good point.

I mean, it's a lie. Every time I hear about something like that, I'm just like, humans have it coming. Come on, Meteor. Every time I hear about this shit, I'm just like, we are— Do you mean the teeth coming out or just that we can deliver this many albums for – this many animals for $125? I mean, honestly, all of it. All of it. Because, like, I think about it, like, I think about it, you know, in our own lives where you're like, something goes wrong with somebody's friend or whatever.

And you're like, that bitch is going to just get her karma. And, like, we're so sure about it when it comes to, like – We are the world's shitty friends. Yeah. Like, we – yes, we it. When it comes to, like... We're the world's shitty friends. Yeah, like, we... Yes, we are the world's shitty... Come up and start to come up. But we're, like, super convinced, like, we are that person.

We're, like, super convinced it'll be fine, though. Like, I can just keep living my shitty life. Sure. And it'll be just like... Ripping the teeth out of monkeys. Ripping the teeth out of fucking. Yeah. Fucking organ grinder. Like, you know, and I guess I look at, you know, and I look at myself and I'm like, well, I've led a pretty moral life. I don't you know, I don't probably don't deserve to die in any kind of, you know, holy apocalypse.

Yeah. But if it happened and, you know, the the demon is about to bring his sword upon me. And he's like, and I'm like, why? I don't deserve. And he's like, yeah, but the thing, your species is ripping the teeth out of monkeys and taking them to birthday parties. Oh, okay. Yes. Bring your flaming sword. I want to be clear.

I want to be clear about this monkey. Yeah. This is a nonprofit rescue organization. No, this is a rehabbed monkey. The man did not rip the monkey. The man didn't do that. No, no. Yes.

Did they kill the organ grinder? I'm focused on the organ grinder man. Yeah. This is who I'm focused on as the villain. Was he killed? Yeah. Well, that's where the donation money goes. So it's a murdering organ grinder.

Right. This is all I ask. The $150. Is the whole organ grinder being hunted down? Your $150 goes to support the animals. Okay. And then any additional donations, you can tip them like the minister

at a wedding. Yeah, he gets monkey dentures. You go in and tip them. That would be very cute. monkey dentures. Yeah, and then they'll use

that tip on, you know, poison darts. Yeah, all that crap. Traps. Yeah. Grinder traps.

Yeah. Exactly. Grinder traps. If they're a gay, they can set a trap on the app. Grinder. It's a grinder trap. No, I'm after Organ Grinder Man. And like, who also, by the way, that could be a horror movie.

But you're probably best friends with the monkey. Oh, I'm great friends with the monkey. No, I'm talking about the organ grinder. If you're an organ grinder, you're best friends with that monkey because you don't have regular friends. You don't have regular friends. I thought like when you said that you're best friends with the monkey, I was like, yes, this is my vengeance movie. I team up with the toothless monkey and I'm like, we're going to get that organ grinder that did this to you. And you get in your classic car, your classic hot rod.

We'll get you, Ross from Friends. Oh, was it Ross that took the teeth out? Yeah, it was Ross. Oh, God, it was Ross. It was Ross. Ross's dark past. You know, you write those character backgrounds. Yeah.

That's called an actor's secret. It was the original actor's access breakdown. Ross took the teeth out of his... Yeah, a nervous paleontologist who has ripped the teeth out of a monkey that he enslaved. He's in love with Rachel. And he's in love with Rachel. They all get married, I think. willpower in order to not get this guy's card and give him $150 to come to my house on a regular Saturday afternoon.

Yeah, for sure. Like, the amount, I touched an armadillo. Right. And he was a kind of armadillo that can when he goes into a ball did he go into the ball okay now you know you guys know how an armadillo's little plates are like almost like little round helmets like little bicycle helmets or something so when they close there's a kind of rectangle of empty part in the middle because they uh like the part where the face would be on a helmet they can't quite close that part protect the money make they like the part where the face would be on a helmet. They can't quite close that part.

Gotta protect the money maker. This armadillo's Alright. Tail and head. You guys like the mountain lions in LA. The armadillos also have to have a strong Instagram presence. This armadillo's tail and head are like isosceles triangles that match

together next to each other and turn into a rectangle that covers its one open area when it rolls up. It was fucking amazing. That is amazing. Quick question. Yes. I have not seen a lot of armadillos up close. Yeah.

In my mind, they make a little noise that goes, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Was it doing that? Yeah, it certainly does do that in your mind. It made a little, ha, ha, ha. Oh, good. It was not making this noise in real life, though. It was as silent as can be.

But it has little furs on it. It has little furs underneath it. Little furs underneath. Are they soft? Could you touch them? I didn't get to touch the furs. I only touched the shell. Okay, that's fair.

But the shell is hard. Wow. Well, that makes sense. That's one of the things that makes it useful. I mean, he's got, like's fair. But the shell is hard. Wow. Well, that makes sense. It's one of the things that makes it useful. I mean, he's got, like, armor. Like, that's just, like, plated armor, right? Yeah. Good for that armadillo.

Yeah, way to evolve. Yeah, absolutely. Way to evolve like that. It's like he's like, I have to protect myself, okay? Sure. What happens if you're a policeman and you pull over that van on the way to the birthday party? Like, I'm going to let you. You're like, the monkey was jumping on my head and gumming my ear.

Trying to gum my genitals off. It's going through puberty and it's trying to gum off my face and genitals. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jess and Go. I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. We host the podcast One Bad Mother. We're a podcast for when you have a new baby and motherhood is not what you expected it would be. We're a podcast for when you're working full time, parenting the rest of the time, and parenthood is not what you expected it would be. We're a podcast for when you're working full time, parenting the rest of the time, and parenthood is not what you expected it would be.

We're a podcast for when you decided to stay home with your kid full time, and it's not what you expected it would be. We are a podcast for when your kid does something that you didn't expect a child of yours would ever do, and you reacted in a way you never thought you would. Why would you put a hose into the mail slot and turn it on? We are a podcast for moms, dads, parents of all kinds. We're even a podcast for people who are not yet parents, are not even sure they want to be parents. One bad mother.

Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Haley Mancini, catillion extraordinaire. We've got some sponsors on this week's program, Jordan. We sure do.

First of all, our good friends at what space? Squarespace. That's the one. It's the perfect. good friends at what space? Squarespace. That's the one. It's the perfect. Here's what I like about Squarespace. Yes. It's a website that makes websites. Yeah.

The singularity is here. Sure. We'll all be killed. It's like a serial killer that kills serial killers. It's the Dexter of websites. It's full of beautiful templates that work on any size screen that are easy enough for even the most creative person to use. So whether you're selling something or sharing your work or building a personal website, all of them are possible with Squarespace. E-commerce functionality, beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers, and 24-7 award-winning customer support. They won a freaking award for this customer support.

Can I... At the customer supporties. Can I do a dramatic reenactment real quick? Please. You just dialed a phone and now it's ringing. Oh, hello. It'sop, beep, boop, boop, bing. Yep. You just dialed the phone and now it's ringing. Oh, hello. It's me, the Squarespace guy. Oh, it's 3.30 on a Sunday morning.

I'm up. Well, I'm calling you to tell you that you've won an award. I'm calling from the awards committee. The customer supporties? The supporties. Yay. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code JJGO to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

That's squarespace.com and enter the code JJGO. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Hh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Haley. I'm back. She bailed on her nickname already.

I bailed on my nickname. Well, this time I was like, oh, I did it a minute ago. Wait, do I do it again? Oh, yeah, you do it again. Everybody's looking at me. Take two. Haley Mancini. Cat-catillion.

Or cat-tillion. Shit. Take three. God, please love me. Can I offer you something? Cat-tillionaire? Cat-tillion. Shit. Take three. God, please love me. Can I offer you something? Cat-tillionaire? Cat-tillionaire. There you go.

We'll have a take four. Hayley Mancini. Cat-tillionaire. Yay! We'll use that one. Brian, we'll use that one. Brian, go ahead and use that take. Also, this isn't part of it, right, guys? No.

No, yeah. This is all getting edited out. Jordan, have I talked? None of this has been part of it up till now i must be perceived as infallible right uh jordan i have i talked about the fact that um my daughter grace is now queen of the universe uh i don't think you've mentioned it i've kind of noticed some you know just like changes to my like my water bill's gone down a little bit and uh Amazon Prime subscriptions went up.

Went up. I'm like, there's probably a new queen of the universe. Right. So here's the thing. It used to be called. So it's your daughter. Yeah. Oh, cool.

It used to be called the universe. Run and vote for her. Run and vote for her. Well, you don't vote. That's not how queens work. Queen. Oh, okay. It's not like you go in there and vote yas or no.

Yas or na. Yas or nah. Yas or nah. Nah. So my daughter has also- Did she murder the previous queen? Is it one of those? Was it a regicide? I think it was a bloodless coup.

Okay. You have selected regicide. You know the name of the king or queen being murdered. Press one now. This is funny. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah, that's funny. Man,

Simpsons, great show. Starland vocal band, they suck. So, oh, one more. When they say

don't feed the bears, do not feed the bears. Hey, don't have a cow, man. That's a little season one for me. I mean, you know. Okay.

Grace not only became the queen of the universe, but she also renamed the universe. Just for your benefit, it is now called Graciopolis. Oh, Graciopolis. I like it. So she gave the universe a city name. Yeah, I was going to say it's a city. That's nice. She did have – she has her first big reform and I wanted to bring you guys in on it.

I thought – Thank you. All right. This is pretty much ground zero for this. It's a new holiday. Okay. And my family has already celebrated this holiday. Okay.

And it was a big success. So does it take place at the same time every year? Did we miss it? So we're going to be celebrating next year. Exactly. Yes. Exactly. So we've got a year to prepare.

It's called Gracie Annuary. Okay. All right. I have a feeling I know where this is going. Go on. It is. I think, you know, I don't want to speak for my daughter, but I think it may be partly inspired by Kwanzaa. Okay.

Oh, wow. So themes of unity and. Yeah. So it's a five-day holiday. That's the main way in which it is. Oh, wow. Where each day has its own theme. It comes immediately after New Year's.

Great, great. And it's a sort of family holiday. So it's something that you do. I think that's nice. Yeah, family's so important. Family is so important. These days, family is really taking front and center. It's so important.

You know. It's supposed to kind of like toward the back where it was before. Kind of back and to the side. We've got family on the end caps these days. Prime placement. They'll really move. Yeah. So this is all conceived by my daughter, who for a year and a half is six years old.

Great. Ah, it's a advantage is six years old. Great. So the first day was initially going to be a day where everyone in the universe gives presents to Grace. Great, great, great. That was the original plan, but luckily my wife... That's going to impact your

mail carrier. Yeah, that's true. That was a real concern. We'd try and tip him around the holidays. Yeah, so he's like,'s very true. That was a real concern. We would try and tip him around the holidays. Yeah. So he's like, sorry, Gracie Annuary is coming up. But my wife is a very patient and loving parent, and she did some conferencing about whether that would make for a good holiday and what we could change about it. Sure.

And in the end, we changed it very slightly from everyone giving Grace a present to everyone gives each other a present that they've made. That's nice. Everyone makes a present for each other person in the family. Wow. And then you hide them in their bed. And then you – I got you a horse head again. I made it.

I made the head off your horse. So that's the first day of Gracie January. It's really kind of a beautiful celebration. It's great. And you have to make those presents yourself. So whether you think of yourself as an artist or a maker or not, it's really about the thought and the kind of family bond. Which is great. I like it.

Every year at Gracie Annuary. The second day of Gracie Annuary is all about building machines. Oh. Okay. Helpful machines or? Yeah, well, electrical machines. Electrical machines. Okay.

Right. So whether you're an engineer already or just an aspiring engineer. It's time to make a lever. It's time to. Art lever. It's time to... Artificial organs. Police. Yeah. Oh, a lever.

I think it's a liver. You're going with simple machines. Oh, I was going with simple machines, Jordan. Gotcha. But sure. You know what? If you can make a bionic heart, that's a machine. Yeah.

I'll start with a lever. Yeah. I'm going to work on fulcrums. Maybe a little dumb waiter. Yeah, you know, there's a little... I like waiter. To bring comic books up to my treehouse. That's the second day of Gracie Annuary is building electric machines. The third day of Gracie Annuary is backwards day. Oh, great.

That's where you do everything that you would do at the end of the day, at the beginning of the day, and vice versa. Sure. And you also get in a lot of fights over the specifics

of how you do an entire day backwards. It teaches us the power of time. Yeah, so the main thing is you want to eat dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner.

Right. These are the tent poles. Yeah, okay. That's like the top thing. And you also are going to be showering right before bed rather than showering immediately after. Got it. Sure. Got it.

I'll be pooping around too. Yeah. Great. Day four of Gracie Annuary is being lazy. I like it. So that's a day for laziness. A day for lazy. A day for lazy.

You got to relax after all the machine building and backwards. Yeah. It's an important time to let go of your ambitions and just eat, relax. And allow the machines you've just built time to rise up. Yeah, time to become sentient. Why did that get built in? This is how it all went down. Yeah, the world government fell during Lazy Day.

And the final day of Gracie Annuary, the fifth day of Gracie Annuary, you thank everyone in their family for all the nice things they've done for you over the years. Wow, that's really nice. Like when they helped you make your electrical machine on the second day of Gracie Annuary. So do you not thank them on the first day when they give you the gift? Do you just stare at them? You've got to hold it. You've got to hold it, yeah.

And then you spend the next four days kind of feeling weird about whether or not they liked it, if maybe you, maybe they were insulted by the gift. Was that the right thing to do? Was this not? Sure. And then you come out the other side and you're like, thank you.

It's a day of relief. This is good. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, I like it. Is this going to be like a bank holiday? Are we going to have all five days off from this? Yeah, because I'm in for sure, and if that's the case. Well, I mean, if Martin Luther King can get a holiday. Right.

Sure. Sure. Yeah. If Jesus has one, Gracie can have five. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What did he do?

Die for our sins? Congrats? A fucking lation. Didn't build a machine. Didn't build a machine. Didn't build a single machine. That cross couldn't do anything. No.

I mean, if there was a weight on one end, if one end of the cross was weighted, you know what? He could have bought comic books up to his treehouse. Yeah. If I nailed my six-year-old daughter to an enormous cross in the desert, she could die too. Sure. Okay? She's fully capable.

Right. There we go. We're building machines. We're going backwards. We're thinking people. I like this. This is good livings. Yeah.

Good livings. I needed that. I needed that this year. Things were weird at the beginning of the year. Now, Jesse, are the libs going to make it so we can't say happy Gracie Annuary anymore? How are the libs dealing with this? The war on Gracieopolis. The war on Gracie.

Yeah, the war. Yeah. Congratulations, SJWs. You really shit the bed on this one. Boy. Oh, who else's annuary does it have to be? Sure. Martin Luther King-y annuary?

They won't stop until it's Harriet Tubman-uary. Oh, boy. It's coming for it. They're probably going to take Andrew Jackson off the money just because he's a bad president. And I hear that they've taken- Probably the worst. I hear they've taken Grace off the Starbucks cups. What a nightmare.

What a nightmare. What a nightmare. It's sickening. Sickening. Ugh. Also, Andrew Jackson looks like Hugh Grant, right? You know what I mean? I don't. He definitely does.

That's probably why I do so much kissing of the money. I know. I'm always like, ooh. His hair kind of looks a little windswept. Tussled. Yeah. He has the high collar. He looks like he's like, ooh, ooh, ooh. I own a bookery. Yeah,led. Yeah, he has like the high collar. Like he looks like he's like, oh, oh, oh.

Oh. You know? I own a bookery. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I'm quirky. Oh, Mr. Darcy. Like this. Haley.

In what movie does Hugh Grant say, oh, Mr. Darcy? I think he might say it to himself. Yeah, when he's looking in the mirror. Was it Colin Firth, Mr. Darcy? I don't really know. I don't remember. That might be Mr. Darcy.

You're probably right. I might be wrong. I think what I kind of took know. I don't remember. That might be Mr. Darcy. You're probably right. I might be wrong. I think what I kind of took it as is just a general kind of thing that would be said in a Hugh Grant movie. Absolutely. There's definitely an Oh, Mr. Darcy. Somebody trips while holding a box of pastries, probably. But it's okay.

I've made a mess of your bookery. Oh dear. I do apologize. This is quite awkward. I still haven't thanked him for his greasy annuary present. Honestly, I've never noticed the similarity,

but to be fair, I've never had that much money at once. Okay, well, that's fair. Not me. I'm loaded. Wow. Guys, watch out. Name a type of dollar. Oh, okay. Let me think. Wow. Yeah. Guys, watch out. Name a type of dollar. Thank you.

Oh, okay. Let me think. Let me think. One. Have it. Whoa. Five. Whoa, hold up.

Got it. What? Hold up. Hold up. What? Hold up. Hold up. Because I got some shit that's really going to fuck with your head.

Okay. A one word. Sack of Jo- What? Oh, you know what? I've got one. Oh, you know what? I've got one! Oh! Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica.

Hey everyone, Freddie Wong. Matt Arnold. And Will Campos. Here to tell you about Story Break, a Writer's Room podcast where every week we, the Hollywood geniuses behind video game high school, have one hour to turn a humble idea into an awesome movie. Thrill as we weave the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story. We're going to double down on everything that made the prequels great. Jar Jar, Trade Federation, Politics. Gasp as we assemble a pantheon of heroes for the Kellogg Cinematic Universe.

We could get rid of Snap, Crackle, Pop. I wouldn't even miss the- You're crazy. They'd die in the second act. Oh, come on. And join us as we make fun of Matt as he struggles to name a single Beyonce song. Well, yeah. Put a finger on it.

Sure, she wants to be Beyonce. Put a finger on it. Beyonce is the famous song. Will we break the story? Or will the story break us? Find out by joining us in the writer's room every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Haley, catillionaire. Swish. Got it this time. You didn't say your last name. Oh, shit. Added that swish a little too early. Oh, my ambition brought me to my knees. You're a classic Greek hero. My hubris. You're too ambitious. You flew too close to the sun. I flew too close to my knees. You're a classic Greek hero. My hubris. You're too ambitious.

You flew too close to the sun. I flew too close to the sun. Well, I'm Hayley Mancini. I'm here. You still have to have the nickname that time. So, you know. But it's fine. You'll never get it.

It's fine. That's all right. I'm so sorry, Mom. You've always got your Powerpuff Girls money. That's right. You'll never get it. It's fine. That's all right. I'm so sorry, Mom. You've always got your Powerpuff Girls money. That's right. You just live off that forever. Then I remember I've got all these denominations of cashola. Kaylee, real quick, can I ask a question about doing voices for cartoons?

Sure. Our buddy Nick Adams works for the, this is an anecdote that leads to a question. Great. Our buddy Nick Adams works for the BoJack Horseman program. Nick Repeat Adams. And he was out with his son and Will Arnett walked by.

Okay. And he said, you know, they start talking because they're colleagues. Will Arnett does the BoJack voice. On the show BoJack Horseman. And then Nick got to say to Will Arnett, like, would you do the Lego Batman voice for my son? And he got to say to will arnett like would you do the lego batman voice for my son and he got to say hey son meet batman oh that's and then fucking arnett does the batman voice and

son loses it right because when do you get to meet batman basically never it's a big deal have you got to do your voices for kids i have did that blow their fucking minds? It blows their minds every time. Every time. And some adults, too. Because people really, people have, look, people are off and on about,

like, as adults, people are off and on about this reboot of the Powerpuff Girls. I can't speak to that. You know, whatever. I get to write on the show. Wait, hold on.

So, nerds are weird when something they love gets remade? Turns out, yes. First I've heard it. And they will blame it.

Well, maybe your character shouldn't have thrown away that lightsaber. Oh, boy. Oh, I love it. That was a problem. And maybe I shouldn't have been a female writer. That was your first mistake. I mean, I wouldn't know anything. I'm not related to any women.

I know you're not related. One day. One day. I'll have a anything. I'm not related to any of them. I know you're not related. One day. One day. One day. I'll have a mommy. How about this? Maybe women should stay away from dude stuff. Thank you.

Like the Powerpuff Girls. I agree. So true. So true. But yeah, no, people really like, in spite of that, even adults really like the new iteration of Morbucks because she is such an updatable character because she's a brat and a spoiled brat who can afford anything. So the definition of what a spoiled brat is and what they can afford is always an updatable thing. And it's very fun to see how it would map onto, like, the new generation and that sort of thing.

So people really like Morbucks, and kids love Morbucks, which I find a little alarming because she's basically mini Donald Trump. But they love her, and they love that she's a villain. She's just fun. And so I will do it at, like, Comic-Con. And if somebody brings, you know, I meet somebody's kid, and it's every time they're like, oh, my gosh. And then every once in a while, like, a kid's like, you're bad. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, that's right, kid.

I got a one and a five. Yeah. And it's really, really fun. And there was one kid, like, when I was signing at Comic-Con, there was these siblings. It's really, really fun. And there was one kid, like, when I was signing at Comic-Con, there's these siblings. And this girl or this boy was, like, dressed up as Batman. And I was like, do you like Princess Morbux?

And he was like, no, she's bad. But then his older sister was in a full Slimer suit. Or you really couldn't see. You couldn't see her face. She just had, like, the mesh over her eyes and everything. And she was like, I like Marvux. And I was like, this is the best moment of my life. Thank you, Slimer. I was like, thanks, Slimer.

She's like, yeah, Slimer likes Marvux. And I was like, do you like her because she's bad? And she's like, yeah, I like villains. And I was like, yay. It was great. I also like dumping hot dogs into my mouth. my mouth i uh i have a friend who is not an actor but who did work on the television program yo gaba gaba oh yeah there were no actors present julia at the time uh no oh okay uh but uh his name is adam cool cool and he uh was one of the characters on Yo Gabba Gabba by virtue of just being around.

Right. And he talks like this. I can't remember which character is which on Yo Gabba Gabba despite having watched a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba. But it's just my friend Adam talking like this. It's just my friend Adam talking like this. And I talked to him about it once. And he said that he has often been asked, especially to, like, make a place a birthday call. Oh, yes. Yes.

But because Yo Gabba Gabba, I mean, I'm sure with Powerpuff Girls, you're dealing with, you know, eight-year-olds and six-year-olds and nine-year-olds. And six-year-olds and nine-year-olds with Yo Gabba Gabba, you're dealing with two-year-olds and three-year-olds whose ideas about the world are very inconsistent. Right. Like they don't – you can't expect a three-year-old to have – some three-year-olds think that cars are a type of people. Right, right. You know, like whatever. Yeah, they put the cars to bed. Yeah. They're still working it out and you don't know which pieces they've got. Right, right. You know, like whatever. They put the cars to bed. Yeah. They're still working it out and you don't know which pieces they've got.

Right, right. And so he said that at least like 35% of the time he would do it for his friends or whatever and their kids. But it would just end in tears. Oh, like the kids would just become very confused. They were like. It was just terrifying. My reality is crumbling. That's like seeing like a three-year-old

that sees Minnie Mouse for the first time and they're like, no! There's just something. And it makes sense because you're like, you're learning about the world

for the very first time and then you're like, oh no, giant fucking mouse. That would be horrifying if you're seeing it for the first time and if you're like, this voice doesn't go with the thing that it's supposed to go with.

When you're like a three-year-old, that's got to be terrifying. Yeah. Six-year-olds have it. They get it. It is intense. My three-year-old will check in with me, or my now four-year-old will check in with me about what is and isn't real. And today, oh, a quick question. This is real.

Today. He asked me, I have been reading with my six year old, my daughter, and he's been kind of listening in this comic book called bone. Oh yeah. Yeah. Which is a really,

really lovely comic book. Really cool. Really cool comic book. And, um, and he asked me if boneville is real, which is where the characters, the bones from Bone come from Boneville. I know it's complicated, but I'll make a chart.

You're like the bone zone. Yeah, that's real. I've heard. Ask your mother. So I said, no, that's just part of that story. And my daughter, Grace, got so fucking mad at me. She just tore me. She's like, that is real.

Boneville is real. And it's in Graciopolis. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. The crown jewel of Graciopolis. Yeah, you can't take apart. By denying its existence, it starts to take apart the universe.

So what your daughter is doing is kind of collecting cities. Yes. Kind of like a brainiac. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. She's a brainiac type figure. Oh, my gosh. I love this.

She's more like that bald guy from the What If comics. Sure. You know that guy I'm talking about? I think I know what guy you're talking about. He says, like, what if the Fantastic Four were all dogs? Yeah, sure. A watcher. Yeah, watcher.

That's what he's called. Utau the Watcher. Thank you. The Watcher. Yeah. Utau. Utau the Watcher. Do not correct my pronunciation of Utau.

You're going to want to direct those. Hi, on Twitter. You're going to want to direct those to at gas station TV. Yeah, if you've got any corrections about want to direct those to at gas station TV. Yeah. If you've got any corrections about this or Firestorm the Nuclear Man. Sure. Tweet them at gas station TV. At gas station TV.

Did I tell you I was in a gas station with a gas station TV last week? Mm-hmm. And it was just like an ID for Gas Station TV playing over and over. Like they had broken. It was broken. There was no content. And it just was saying, connect with us on Facebook and Twitter, at Gas Station TV. Connect with us on Facebook and Twitter.

And I was like, oh, there's a ghost in the machine that knows what I did on Jordan and Jessica. Yeah. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call for our segment momentous occasions. Our telephone number is 2 0 6 9 8 4 4 fun. That's 2 0 6 9 8 4 4 fun. Or you can email a voice memo to JJ go at maximum fun.org. That's what I did just the other day.

I emailed a voice memo to SPY at maximum fun.org. Cause I hadn't overheard that I wanted to call into our friends and stop podcasting yourself. Fun. It was very fun. Okay, let's take our first momentous occasion. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is Philo. I'm calling to let

you know I was just kicked in the groin by a horse who was excited about a pumpkin I was carrying. Dope. Yeah, I think I'll be okay. I'm not bleeding out of anything yet. So, all right, punch a blimp. Yeah, fucking A, Philo. You rule.

Boy, you know, and a lot of times I'll snap at our callers for kind of giving you, you know, giving us like a, you know, a little taste of information but not enough. Or like leaving out the part of the story that is interesting. It's kind of like you get a tease or a log line for a story that you'd actually want to hear. But in this case, I think that's the perfect amount of information. That was just right. I was kicked in the groin by a horse who was excited about a pumpkin.

Yeah. Like that's a solid Reddit top liner. Yeah, sure. Like this is very. Yeah. Click. Upvote. I just upvoted it. Yeah. I know. a solid Reddit top liner. Yeah, sure. This is very... Yeah, click. Upvote. I just upvoted it. I know, I'm upvoting all the way.

You'll all get gold? I don't know how it works. Yeah, you don't understand what that is at all. Hard to say. How many pregnant Sonic the Hedgehogs do you have to draw to get gold? Happy cake day? Yeah. That's something.

Oh yeah, cake day. I really just go to Ask Reddit. Yeah. You know. A lot of fun on there. What's the weirdest thing, you know, and then the guy gets a... What about Ask Reddit after dark? You never go to Ask Reddit after dark?

No, I don't. Yeah, it's where you find out whether you have an above average penis. Sure. Ah. Yeah. I've got to go over there. Primarily. Primarily.

You know, dating in L.A. doesn't afford me enough dick pics. Sure. So I should seek them out. Dating in Los Angeles, you get a lot of dick head shots. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Here's my dick if it's going out for a firefighter role.

Yeah. It's a four-panel dick pic. Oh, my gosh. The four-panel. Yeah. Here's my dick's reel. The cowboy. Ooh, a scientist.

Here's my dick with some, what are those earphones that doctors use? Stethoscope on it. Stethoscope on, yeah. Or doctor earphones. You can just call them doctor earphones. But here's like my casual normal dick is like wearing like a sriracha t-shirt or something. It's like when your dick is going out for a cool small business owner in a bank commercial. Like I'm trying to open a food truck. Yeah.

I'm doing my best. Taking improv class one night. Oh, boy. Shit, man. Shut it down. Let's take our next call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Rachel in Omaha, and I was calling with a momentous occasion.

This happened yesterday. I let my kids walk to school by themselves, as they do sometimes, and I leave before they do. And yesterday I came home early from work before I picked the kids up and found the front door wide open. Not just unlocked, but open. I freaked out, checked the house, and the momentous part of this occasion is that no one had come into the house all day and taken anything we had three laptops in plain view uh there were packages on the porch for christmas uh probably money and jewels scattered about and no one had even tried to come into the house for 10 straight hours i would call it a Christmas miracle

if I was into that kind of thing, but I'm not. So I'm just going to say that that was momentous. Thank you. It's good to know. Another Lib telling us that our Christmas miracles are simply holiday wonders. Typical Libs.

Holiday wonders. I'm surprised people didn't fall into her obvious trap house. Sure, yeah. Oh, my jewels are unattended. Right under this net that won't fall. This net that never comes down. Wow, that is pretty impressive. That's a nice and kind street.

Yeah. That she lives on. I assumed when you said that it was obviously a trap house that she was selling rock out of there. Oh, no. She was moving weight. She's like this. A trap house. There's jewels scattered everywhere, just rocks.

Or it could be a home alone house. Yeah, that's what I imagined. I imagined that she was luring them in and they'd step on ornaments. Smashing with some paint cans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bunch of micro-machines. Yeah.

Good use of micro-machines. I once went home to my mother's house for Thanksgiving. My mom was out of town for Thanksgiving and I was going to spend Thanksgiving with my wife's family. So my mom said, you can stay at my house.

My wife's parents and my mom live in the same region. Oh, that's nice. And my wife and I got up to San Francisco, parked in front of the house, saw the door was wide open and went in and it had been extensively robbed.

Oh no! It was... On a momentous occasion. I have never felt more like – I, like, looked at my wife. My wife is from – this was not the first time my house had been robbed. No. And my wife is from the Northern Bay Area. And while she grew up very lower middle class and later middle class, she grew up in very affluent area, a very low crime area.

And I looked at her and I thought, fuck, like, because I grew up in the hood, I'm the one who has to go through that door and check for burglars. And I have never been so fucking terrified in my life. In my fucking... I had to go through... It was a side door on the ground floor of the garage. It's a duplex. Two flats above a garage.

And there's a trash room door. And someone had kicked down the trash room door. I have never made so much noise going up a set of stairs. You better run. Yeah, like, hey, it's just me, the homeowner. Here with my gun collection. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, that's scary. Oh, it was so terrifying. It was the most terrifying thing ever. And the police do come, but they come like four days later. And they just tell you nothing's going to happen. Just straight up. They're like, yeah, I mean,

we're just doing this because we have to. Like, this is a contractual obligation. We're here out of obligations. Yeah, this is like when Van Morrison made that album full of songs about how he had a tapeworm because he had it's a great album

by the way wait what find that on YouTube okay great yeah find Van Morrison's song about tapeworms my favorite is

the song my favorite song from that album is called Here Comes Dumb George it's about the guy who owned this old record company

Here Comes Dumb George it doesn't really have lyrics it's just him going Here Comes Dumb George. It's about the guy who owned this old record company. Here Comes Dumb George. It doesn't really have lyrics. It's just him going, here comes dumb George. I just imagine him being like, it's a marvelous night for a tapeworm. It comes out of your balls. Out of your balls. A couple of the songs really are not bad.

And it really is a testament to the power of a great star musician that he, like, obviously just set up a fucking microphone set. We got to, what do we got to do, 20 songs? Here we go. And a couple of them ended up pretty good. It's like, unleash me on that. Yeah. Okay, if you've got a momentous occasion for us, like you get out of your record contract with Bang Records, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, and I gave up on it. Yeah. But I'm still here. Haley, every time you say your full name, I hope in my heart of hearts that you're the heir to the Mancini sleepworks fortune. Oh, gosh. That would be... I drive past that when I ever go up north and I'm like, hee-hee.

But no, alas. And people thought I was related to Henry Mancini right when I died. This is where I thought you were going. And I lied about it once at my first side job at Wells Fargo in Studio City. And because I had a full name tag on, I was like, Haley Mancini, service starts with me. And a lady was like, the 10 millionth lady asked me that if I was related. And I was like, yes. Yes, I am.

I am his niece. And she's like, wow, that's wild. And I was like, he's amazing. He passed away, but he's amazing. And I really started to build up this Henry Mancini thing. And then my boss came up behind me and was like, wow, that's interesting because I live next to his daughter and she's never mentioned you. And I was like, here's the $100 you were withdrawing. Goodbye.

We should mention your boss is a legendary detective, the Pink Panther. That's true. That's true. The cartoon one who's relatively good at detecting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's always dressed up for work. Always dressed up for work. Eating those fish, pulling the bone out.

Classic. Classic cartoon cat. Classic cartoon cat. Classic cartoon cat. Haley Mancini, where can people find you if their interest has been piqued? Oh, well, then you can find me on Twitter at Haley Mancini. That's H-A-L-E-Y-M-A-N-C-I-N-I. And, you know, I'm on Instagram at The Haley Experience, I guess. I don't know

people are probably people probably are already sending you flexi discs of the Powerpush Girls for autographs that's fair

you go to a con you go to a con I do go to a con but I will see we'll see how the how the cons go on because

the show the show is continuing but I I left at the end of go on because the show is continuing. But I left at the end of the season because I got a very nice offer from a little network. It's called Netflix. That's where I like to do my binge watching. Oh, really? I love to binge. Well, get ready to binge up. Me too, Lillehammer.

An American gangster in Norway? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, so I'm still doing Morbucks. The show's still trucking along, but I have departed for Netflix, so we'll see how many cons I'm doing. People should probably keep their eyes on social for what this new program is going to be. Yes, it'll come out eventually. There will be a word will be put down the pipeline on what this show is through the PR world. And then we will talk about it.

But in the meantime. We just keep those Netflix subscriptions paid up. I'm going, everybody. You probably already subscribed. Just don't cancel it. Exactly. Don't cancel it or the Graciopolis will come down upon you. Sure.

Isn't it? Yeah. Yes. Capital punishment for canceling Netflix. I would like to mention something. Sure. Sure. Regular Jordan, Jesse, go listeners know that there is a new motto for 2018, which is this year,

I think, right? It feels like it. It's hard as a rock, wet as a river. This is a metaphor that we've created, Haley. Sure, sure. The constancy and power in the face of misery that the mountain and the river have. Wow. So that's why we say as hard as a rock and as wet as a river.

Love it. Not sexual. It's not a sex thing. So a lot of people have been asking us if it's a sex thing. People just have dirty minds. Abundantly clear. Number one, I think that's gross. I don't like sex yeah i don't

want sex no i certainly don't want to talk about sex no way no no no no no yuck it literally makes me physically ill everybody hates sex tonight my my abstinence w Chung parody. Everybody hates sex, don't I? And because of this important... Please someone start an abstinence-focused Wang Chung cover band. A dick in a sriracha t-shirt. Yeah. Because of this important slogan for 2018, this important piece of inspiration, we've decided to offer a very

limited edition t-shirt. The t-shirt, because of the issues that we've had with people interpreting the slogan as sexual, sickos specifically, we haven't put the words of the slogan on this t-shirt.

We have put a beautiful river and a gorgeous mountain range and you know what it means. Yes. Okay. The meaning is in the phantom thread. Exactly. Sure.

The meaning is in the phantom thread. Exactly. From the movie The Phantom Menace. Sure. So go to maxfunstore.com. I was disappointed when I saw Phantom Threat and Boss Nass was not in it I mean it was

beautiful it was taut but I'm like where's Boss Nass I was disappointed that it didn't have Boss Tweed because I love Tammany Hall we've put so much weight on that movie it just didn't pay off.

I know. We had no reason to think any of this. Okay. Maxfundstore.com and this ends almost immediately. It's a two week sale and it ends almost immediately after when this episode comes out. Get them. Get them if you're listening to it.

So if you're listening right now, you gotta go to maxfundstore.com immediately or you will never have another opportunity. It is a beautiful shirt that Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our producer, designed. He did wonderful work. We gave him some color references. Wow. You know, some

design ref. An inspo board. Exactly. A lot of inspo. And thinspo. Now he's got a thigh gap. Yeah, now he's got a... Sure, yeah. That gap, though. That gap, though.

That gap, though. That gap. Come on. Gap or nah. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. And hashtag it JJ Go. I want to particularly take this opportunity to compliment folks who created some profoundly, almost astonishingly dank memes about when Bae side-eyes the tree.

I saw people making those and I did not know what it was about. I don't remember it at all either. It's just a fever dream. Something about Kevin Avery's bumblebee thing. Yeah. Hard to say, though. Hashtag when Bay side-eyes the tree bee. though. Hashtag when Bayside eyes the tree

bee. Thank you for the amazing amazingly dank memes and if you haven't seen these dank memes definitely like Jordan Issey Go on Facebook or search for the hashtag JJ Go on Twitter because you will find these. The dankness cannot

be overstated. So dank. Oh my god. Yeah. It's truly astonishing. The dankest. Yeah. It's just, it's truly astonishing. The dankest. Yeah. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Our producer is

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our thanks to him. He's the one who's laughing outside the studio if you heard some muffled laughter.

It's because it leaks in through our window. That's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go. peeks in through our window. That's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan,

Jesse go. Maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.