Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 517: Live at SF Sketchfest with Andy Richter, Alison Rosen, and Bayonics

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

Jordan and Jesse take a break from their usual studio recording for a live episode from the Gateway Theater in San Francisco as part of the 2018 SF Sketchfest with special guests Andy Richter, Alison Rosen, and Bayonics.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. This week's episode was recorded live at San Francisco Sketch Fest, one of our favorite places to be. Yeah, absolutely. This was an especially fun show in front of an especially awesome crowd. They always are at SF Sketch Fest. Yeah, we had a great band. We have Alison Rosen. We have Andy Richter. We have a guy who brought 60 itsits.

Oh, yeah. Spoiler alert. Well, you know, I don't think the success of the episode hinges on people like, ooh, will someone have brought 60 its-its? Will they have brought good humors? I need to know what kind of ice cream treat someone throws in the audience. Yeah, this was a blast. 10.30 show, so you're getting a special extra punchy edition of Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah, and Daddy was snoozy. Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, no, awesome. This was a gosh darn blast to record, and I think you'll have a gosh darn blast listening to it. Let's go to the stage in San Francisco for George S. E. Goffman. I'm welcoming everyone who couldn't get in to Paul F. Tompkins! Welcome to Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is our 34th year here at SF Sketch Fest. And it's always nice to come back to this beautiful theater, the Gateway Theater, formerly the Eureka Theater. We've been performing

here since we were doing sketch comedy when we were 23 years old. I think next week it's going to turn into the Twitter idea jam space for solutioneering. Yeah, I mean we've been coming here since we were 24 years old and it's really nice to...

It just ganked out of our minds on blow. Just. We were so coked up. It's so great to have kind of a home to come home to. And this is obviously my hometown. But it's nice to come home somewhere and feel like you belong. and feel like you belong. And like after all these years of working in Hollywood

and in show business, like, you know, we're still in about the same place. With some empty seats in the back. Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan. Yes. There's something here on the slideshow

that I honestly, I don't know entirely what it is, but it's called a running joke that will potentially alienate casual fans. This is a good way to start. It's a running joke that will potentially alienate casual fans. The running joke is, there's no casual fans. You're one of three things. You're a diehard, you've never heard of this shit,

or someone played it once for you and you hated it. I'm trying to imagine a world where somebody is like, they're just like, yeah, well, I'd heard a lot about podcasts. So I opened up my podcasting app that's short for application. I was checking out the names. I recognized Jordan Morris from Fuel TV. I had seen Jesse Thorne on Current on Virgin America. I have a little hobby. I'm into people who are briefly on TV networks that aren't around anymore.

Yeah, so this actually, I just wanted to bring this up real quick. I know, you know, I don't know if there's anybody planning on visiting LA or if there's people from LA listening, but I just wanted to just give a plug for my local dry cleaner, Susie K's. It's on 3rd. They do a great job. It's really fun. They have nice, they have a little popcorn machine for the kids, and they also give you a calendar every year. I picked up this

year's calendar, and it's furry friends. So there's a puppy, and he's next to a kitty. It's kind of a fall scene. So this is probably from November. Oh, okay. So of course it's starting in December 2017. Are you seriously? We're trying to entertain people here.

It's a kitty and a puppy. The puppy looks a little old. This is supposed to be a comedy show. This isn't some puppy kitty bullshit. Ooh, let's check out April. Two babies. Oh, it's a husky and then just a, maybe she's a baby. Ooh, let's check out April. Two babies! Oh, it's a husky and then just a maybe she's a baby coon. She's beautiful.

Here's May. It's my birthday month. There's a bulldog and a kitten. No one cares what your birthday is, Jordan! Oh, the first day of Ramadan's on the 16th. Congratulations, Jordan, to you and your dry cleaner. So that's just a little look at the 2018 Susie

K's dry cleaning calendar, Furry Friends. Did anyone get that? Okay. You know, it's always important to start the show with a joke you're not sure people will get. Speaking of jokes we're not sure people will

get, I don't know if you've heard about this. I kind of follow the news in San Francisco since I'm from here originally. Really? Yeah. I thought you were from Michigan. I know San Francisco currently has what's called an acting mayor. Right. And there's been some talk.

I don't know if you guys have seen this. I don't know if you guys have seen this. I don't know if you guys have seen this, but there's been some talk that maybe there should be a quote-unquote caretaker mayor until there's able to be an election so that anyone who wants to run in the election could spend their time campaigning

rather than running the city. It just makes sense. It makes a ton of sense. Actually, somebody, there was a, someone asked Willie L. Brown Jr., the former mayor of San Francisco, whether he would be a good caretaker mayor, and he said, demonstrating astonishing self-awareness, I was not that great the first time around.

I don't know why they want me back. I love Willie Brown, so don't get me wrong. So we thought, I mean, like, sure, I haven't lived in San Francisco in 10 years, and Jordan's from Southern California. We live in Southern California. But we thought, like, an outsider's... For those of you listening at home,

the setup for this bit was so long that the computer went into sleep mode, effectively getting a bigger laugh than anything we've done so far. If you could fucking get flying toasters to come up there, people would carry us out on their shoulders. Okay, so here's what we were thinking.

We thought we would offer a few names that have been floating around and a few ideas that we had for possible caretaker mayoral candidates. And, you know, you can do with these as you will. You know, write a letter to Matieran Ross in the San Francisco Chronicle. Fold up your choice and put it into a tube and feed it to a sea lion at the pier. Good work, Jordan. Thank you. I know how to

locally pander. You guys are always feeding tubes to sea lions, right? So the first possibility that we thought of was Senator Diane Feinstein. She, of course, a former San Francisco mayor herself could be a good candidate.

On the pro side, she really puts the fine in Feinstein. Khan. I'm just going to give you the pros and the cons. Khan, despite P.T. Barnum's claims, not actually George Washington's wet nurse, could be an automaton clad in an India rubber suit.

And her outlook is dim because of her cataracts. Elderly. Older woman. Oh, no. You guys are going to hate the rest of this. If that cataract thing. Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, this is another idea we had.

Pro for Gwyneth Paltrow is she's a very strong communicator, obviously, as an actress. And she's been very outspoken in her support for universal pussy eggs. Cons, not quite rich enough to afford an apartment in the city. And the outlook for Gwyneth Paltrow? Might get killed in the next Avengers movie. Don't know for sure. World Series MVP Madison Bumgarner. Yeah.

Pros. Has his own dirt bike. Cons. Not that good at riding his own dirt bike. Outlook. Okay, as long as we keep him away from dirt bikes. Next up is clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl.

You want to see Give the Pro? Yeah, pros. Internationally beloved culinary symbol of San Francisco. Con. No San Franciscan has ever eaten one. Outlook. Slightly fishy. What did you hate more,

that or the cataracts thing? Your older brother's friend. Seems like a great one to me. Yeah, he's in the mix. Pros, knows where to get Oxycontin and illegal fireworks. Cons, his Camaro's in the shop right now. Outlook, pretty good if his stepdad would quit busting his balls.

Um, next up, another idea, Statue of Liberty. I love this one. Pros, a proud icon of the San Francisco Bay welcoming ships to shore. Cons, is that right? Are we sure about that? Outlook, we should look this up. Cons, is that right? Are we sure about that? Oh, look, we should look this up.

Another idea we had was the fish man from The Shape of Water. The pro on that is he's extremely sexy, ultra sexy. Cons, too sexy? Instead of addressing key issues, will board of Supervisors just crank it slash flick the bean? The outlook for him is fair. Might split the vote with the other fish man from Hellboy. And finally, Huey Lewis. Pro.

Can really get a party started. Con. None. Outlook. Almost certain. Uh, pro, can really get a party started. Con, none. Outlook, almost certain. That's our ideas for caretaker mayoral candidates. Roll them up into a tube and feed them to a sea lion. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a special guest on this evening's program. You know him from television's Conan and from an Olsen Twins movie, Andy

Richter! Hello, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Andy, which Olsen Twins movie were you in? I forgot. The only theoretically released ones. Ooh la la. Yeah, yeah. The only theatrically released ones.

The rest were video. Wait, so you were in multiple? No, no, no. He's saying the one he was in was better because it went to theaters. It was their theatrical debut. Up till then, they had made a gazillion

dollars doing videos that were straight to videos that kids would watch at home. Right. And then this was their – they were – Some grown men like to collect them, Andy. Oh, all right. Because they like the music. I was – the music.

I'm just a big fan of the music. Sure, sure. I collected them for the articles. For the Olsen twins. Explain how to set up your hi-fi. For the Olsen twins, explain how to set up your hi-fi. Well, and then this was their, this was, they were going, this is, they were going to break into, like, their adult phase. Or they were, I guess they were, like, 17 or 18 at the time. So this was an adult film.

This was, well, it was meant to, it was meant to be, you know, them being out, rather than just in their own sort of little cottage industry, which was not little, being out into the world. And so it was called New York Minute. And it was, it lasted about that long. having been in that movie throughout ever since now there's there are will be groups of like 10 year old girls that know who I am and they and that's the dream

yeah and then they and then they but then it's like and then it's a continue but it's always like the same 10 or 11 year old girls that know like hey weren't you in New York weren't you Benny I don't know I think it was Benny something Benny Bing or hey, weren't you in New York? Weren't you Benny? I don't know. I think it was Benny Bing or something. Were you Benny Bing in New York Minute? Say the famous Benny Bing line. Hey, you twins, get away

from that winder. I'm a big fan of... That's the famous bitty big line. You did it better than I could. New York Minute. The previous films had been comedies. New York Minute is a defenestration tragedy. Yep.

They fall out a window in the first minute, and then the rest is all flashbacks as they fall. It's like a dancer in the dark type thing, mostly, tonally speaking. And then they hit the ground and then their head turns to the camera and they say, chaos reigns. Great music, great music in that one.

Can I bring up something that happened to me over the holidays? Sure, absolutely. Kind of close from the holidays. It's still topical-y. And it relates to California politics, too. So I am lucky. Even though I do have to go down

to Orange County for the holidays, I do not have the thing where you disagree with your family over politics. I mean, I think we do disagree, but no one talks about it. Which is nice. So, you know, I think maybe my mom and stepdad do kind of lean a little conservative,

but they have the best possible version of that, which is, well, I couldn't have voted for either of them. Well, I mean, that's why you voted for Lyndon LaRouche. Yeah. But something came up, and it was the legalization of marijuana. Yeah. Now, this is a popular recreational drug for folks here who... That you can also use... Right.

...to stimulate the appetite. Right. True. Or they make lotions out of it now. Oh. They really do, yeah. So my mom and stepfather vary against this. And I'm trying to get it out of them

without saying, like why they are so against it, without saying like, hey man, just blaze a little of the gange. You know, like, I'm trying to see what the argument is without seeming like a pothead. You know, when you were born, you were sort of responding to your mom's housemate wanted listing on Craigslist.

And she should have told you that it was 420 unfriendly. You got to read the fine print. Are those Craigslist ads to be born? What's the logic of this? I couldn't tell you. No, yeah. And how does he read? Is he peeking out the cervix?

I'm just looking for a no drama womb. In this case, Jordan, it sounds like a womb with a view. Come on. Of Craigslist. Wow. Specifically. Come on. There's a woman in front just shaking her head.

Do you not know what the show is? Did your significant other bring you and you're mad? No, that's okay. I just noticed it because of how hateful it was. So, okay. So I'm, like, you know,

trying to put this together, and I have, like, an eight-year-old step-cousin who's just a new person that I got in my life when my mom got remarried. Thankfully, she's 420 friendly. She is very. Well, no, here's what came out of her mouth. How old is she?

She's eight. Okay. Her mom says, honey, they just made a law to legalize marijuana. And the eight-year-old says, huh, that's funny. I thought laws were supposed to make things better. Wow. Wow. And so was that

Was it resolved? Did you speak up? No I didn't Did you try and be cool? No I didn't I was just a fucking lame-o And I changed the subject to the Oscars Well I Last Coachella

Yeah it must have been Because I have a teenage son. I have a 17-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. And my wife was going to be out of town, and my son went to Coachella with a friend of his. And I, my daughter and I accompanied them, which basically was like we drove out there, and we stayed at like some golf resort. You know, it was like we drove out there, and we stayed at some golf resort. It was like a golf course. And so my daughter and I just basically waited around for my son and his friends to go to Coachella. Can I guess where this is going?

So your son is like, oh, man, my dad's coming. And then he's out there. Kanye takes the stage. No. Hold on. Okay. You might be stage. No. Hold on. Okay. You might be wrong. Okay.

It's got to take quite a left turn to go where I was going. Okay, go ahead. Kanye comes on stage. Yes. I'm so glad my embarrassing dad's not here. And then Kanye says, please welcome to the stage,

Benny Bing. And you come out and wrap a whole thing. Hey, you twins. Get away from that window. Well, my name's Benny Bing. No, what happened there was because when you, the eight-year-old in the pot is like now, like having a teenager now, like there's just weed everywhere. And we went out to Coachella, and I was going to spend, like I say, I was spending the weekend alone with my then 11-year-old daughter. And I love my daughter, but she's a handful.

And I had asked a guy at work who deals with a lot of bands, and he has a drawer in his desk that's full of swag weed pens. And I was like, yeah, like vape pens. But just say like band of horses. No, no, no, no. It's like it's like it's like no, no, no, no, no, no. They say like New York Minute. No, they say whatever the name of the weed company.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. It's like now there's like, you know, I work in weed PR. Right. Like that's a thing now. And so I told him like I have to go be with my daughter all by myself. So I need a vape pen. And he's like, okay.

So I put it in my shaving kit. And my daughter and I are hanging out. And at one point we were in the hotel. We had been out in the morning. I put it in my shaving kit, and my daughter and I are hanging out. At one point, we were in the hotel. We had been out in the morning. We were hanging out at the room. She's like, I need a Q-tip. I said, I think I have some.

She appeared in the doorway holding the vape pen. For the folks listening at home the computer is going it gets better computer Jordan Jessica is brought to you by the Microsoft Surface why are you so into this when it happens is that could should we just not be

up here should we just be playing screen savers for you people isn't that what YouTube is now oh yeah just people talking Should we just not be up here? Should we just be playing screensavers for you people? Isn't that what YouTube is now? Oh, yeah. Just people talking while shit happens on the screen. Yeah, yeah. Should we just be opening Kinder Eggs? So she appears in the doorway with the vape pen in her hand and says,

What is this? And I said, It's a marijuana vape pen. And she said, why do you have it? I said, I don't know. Somebody at work gave it to me. It's been in there for months. I forgot about it. I'm holding it for a friend.

I totally lied. I lied about like, I didn't lie. I didn't want to say I brought it with me so I could tolerate you. Right. Because it seemed a little on the nose but I said I don't know somebody gave it to me I threw it in there and she said why do you have it and I said well because occasionally I like to smoke marijuana and she was like then you lied to me and I said I lied to you when and she said when you said you were a good father

she said you told me that when you were that you hadn't smoked marijuana since I was a tiny baby. I said, well, I probably lied to you because there's certain things that are none of your business. You know, I said, I deserve my privacy and I didn't want to tell you. I said, just because you ask a question doesn't mean I have to tell you the truth. And furthermore, get away from that window. Yeah, yeah.

That was some powerful real talk that you delivered to her, Andy. Yeah, well, you know. Is that the kind of inspirational leadership that you provide around the rich? Sure it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's got to know. Dad will lie to you. Sure.

And marijuana is a gateway drug. That is true. And dad is on heroin right now. Did you guys both fly into Burbank? Flew out of Burbank. Did you notice that there, in the Burbank airport now, there are like five Guy Fieri themed restaurants? Yes. They're sandwich stands.

The Burbank airport is a regional commuter airport that is more convenient to fly out of than Los Angeles. It's a dream come true. It's wonderful. But yes, you walk through security. There's a giant Guy Fieri there. And then there's a series of different Guy Fieris. It's like beating bosses in a video game. And I just want

to correct you, Andy. They aren't sandwich stands. They're sandwich stands. S-A-M-M-I-C-H. I did have a breakfast burrito from the Guy Fieri breakfast burrito stand. Excuse me. Burriti.

B-U-R-I-T-T-Y. Sure. It was kind of a Willy Wonka situation because I pulled out one blonde goatee hair and then I got a tour of his factory. Hey, Jordan, we've got some sponsors this week. I'd love to hear about them. Well, we're supported in part by HelloFresh, the meal kit delivery service that delivers your favorite recipes and pre-measured ingredients

so you can just cook, eat, and finally, Jordan... What? What happens? What happens? I need to know! Enjoy. Yes! All the ingredients come pre-measured in handy labeled meal kits so you know just which ingredients go with which recipe. Jordan,

I have a question. Yes. I like classic recipes. Do they have those? They've got them. They've also got... Well, what's it, I have a question. Yes. I like classic recipes. Do they have those? They've got them. They've also got- Well, what's it- Okay. I changed my mind. I hate classic recipes. I only like veggie recipes.

They got that too. Okay. I changed my mind again. I'm back on meat, but you've got to provide family-friendly foods. Jesse, they've got that too. Okay. Well, I would expect to pay more than $10 a meal. No.

That's all you're paying. Less than. Really? In fact, less than $10 a meal. No, that's all you're paying. Less than. Really? In fact, less than $10 a meal. This is like a three-hour cooking process. No, recipes. Cooking is hard. I'm not a chef.

Jesse, recipes only take around 30 minutes. Wow. This sounds great. This is what I recommend that you do if you're out there in the audience. Get $30 off your first week of HelloFresh. Go to HelloFresh.com and use the promo code JJGO30. So HelloFresh.com and the promo code is JJGO30. We're also brought to you this week by the good people at Stitch Fix.

Sweater weather's here. But if last year's layers are feeling tired, give your closet a wake-up call with help from the style experts at Stitch Fix. You just answered some questions about who you are, and you did this, right, Joel? I did this because, as you know, their slogan that we wrote for them that they did not ask for, that also might be copyright infringement, is, of course, when a problem comes along, you must stitch it. That's right.

Yeah, I went on to the Stitch Fix website. I went on there at stitchfix.com. And you just saw. JJ Go. How tall are you? What's your weight? What's your length? What's your girth?

The basic information. Shoe size. Yeah. And then you talk about your lifestyle a little bit. Are you going from the office to a date? Do you need something that you can dress up and dress down? Right. You know, what's the vibe of your workplace?

Do you work on a turn-of-the-20th-century luxury cruise line? Sure. That's going to be a different set of styles. Right. Are you a bicycle racer? It's really fun. It's the new way to shop for clothes. It does all the work for you. You go online, you answer these questions, and your personal stylist will pick out

five pieces based on your preferences and send them right to your door. You try them on and you only pay for what you keep. No subscriptions either. No. So you don't even have to worry about it. And they will, if you choose bicycle racer, send you one of those teardrop helmets. Ooh, nice. You know those nice teardrop helmets. Ooh, nice. You know those nice teardrop helmets? Oh, yeah. It gets a little narrow in the back. Yeah.

Get started now at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. You'll get 25% off when you keep all five items. Stitchfix.com slash jjgo. Stitchfix.com slash jjgo. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. Let's get back to the stage. La, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la. Well, we have a band here tonight. Should we introduce the band? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the prides of the Bay Area, I'm really thrilled to bring this band to the stage for you. Please welcome Bayonix. What's going on, y'all? What's happening? We go by the name of Bayonix. I'm going to

play some new music for you guys. Check it out. ¿Cómo olvidaste nuestro lindo romance? Merezco otro chance Tranquila, te voy a explicar Sé que me amaste Por la tarde me buscaste Amor incomparable En la esquina te voy a esperar

Cuando te conocí Mi mundo cambió, me senté tan feliz Juntos los dos, así de para mí Para mí, para mí. Te di todo mi amor y entregué el corazón, ahora solo soy tuyo quien soy. No escuches chismes, no soy un playboy. Te fuiste sin una, yo sin pensar en los dos, no quiero volver y empezar. ¿Cómo olvidaste nuestro lindo romance?

¿Perezco otro chance? Queda tranquila, te voy a explicar Sé que me amaste Toda la tarde me buscaste Amor incomparable Tranquila tira, te voy a esperar Nunca me imaginé la energía de ti Nunca me imaginé la pasión que sentí

Entre tú y yo nos tendremos un fin Entre tú y yo, tú y yo Ahora solo soy tú y yo quien soy No escuches chismes, no soy un playboy Te fuiste sin una y así empezaré los dos No quiero volver a empezar ¿Cómo olvidaste nuestro lindo romance? Merezco otro chance

Imagínate a Pikes y Cat No sé que me amaste O por la tarde me buscaste Amor incomparable, aquí en la esquina te voy a esperar Ahora soy el terror, tienes como reírte Ahora pido perdón, otro día sobre tierra Un día me vas a buscar, solita ya te voy a ir Un día me voy a alejar

¿Cómo olvidaste mamá? ¿Cómo olvidaste el hogar? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no Ahora solo sé tú quién soy No escuches chismes, no soy un playboy Te fuiste sin un adiós, sin pensar en los dos No quiero volver a empezar ¿Cómo olvidaste? ¿Cómo olvidaste, mamá?

¿Venés con otra chance? ¿Venés con otra chance? ¿Venés con otra chance? Siempre te digo aquí, mamá Incomparable, amor incomparable Oh, I think I'm mad at you No, no, no, no, no, no Oh, I think I'm mad at you Oh, I think I'm mad at you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, There's a track called Around the Way. Check it out. Oh, yeah. All right.

All right. Here it is. Start. Me, me girl around the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your body is full of grace And make it tell if I'm not looking for your face Me, me, you're all the way Just take my hand and we can take it to my place

We don't have no time to waste I know you're ready to escape In love and I do Get down, brown sugar In the presence of my majesty In love, the phone, the waist down I know you're ready to escape. Thank you. Me make it around the way Just take me and we can take it to my place We know there's no time to waste I know you're ready to share It's all about the truth

Truth Oh, we've been kicking it all night With your body feeling so tired We'll be right back. But lie to us cause you know we don't pay no tax Make it regret, you got the passion We got the love and the community satisfaction You got me, let's try Yeah, let me show you why And got your identity, let's try Take it to the morning lights Talkin' like you let me know

If you're down for sure Thank you. I live in the moment I promise it will be okay They know that he's a good man But you don't even say Your man never noticed They like fooling you They make you look around the world I can't see you, you can't see my way Your body is full of grace Thank you. I know you're ready to skate All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Thank you. Bionics, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, guys. They'll be back out later on in the program. Too funky for this event. I feel like if we were going to get a musical guest... How fucking great was that, by the way?

Right? Shit. I feel like if we were getting a musical guest to, like, match our vibe, it should be just, like, John Mayer noodling on a lute. Hey, speaking of awesome guests... Yeah, we have one more.

Shall we bring her on to the stage? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage celebrity podcaster, Allison Rosen. Hello. It is so great to be here. I have so many things to say, and I'll probably only remember one. Great. And it is this. I have a baby.

I'm going to talk about it incessantly, but I don't want it to define me. Listen, Allison, I get it. I have a baby. I'm going to talk about it incessantly, but I don't want it to define me. Listen, Allison, I get it. I have a cat. Well, so you know. I know what it's like. And she's needy. And the way that you said it right off the bat is the way that someone would write

I have a gun on a note that they gave me a bank to. I have a baby. And then another they gave me a bank to tell me. I have a baby. And then another note, but it does not define me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have many interests. There's plenty of other things to talk about. This is the first time I've been up this late in many, many months.

I might fall asleep. Not at the computer. It's crazy, right? It's weird. And I'm like, I was an avowed night person. You were an avowed that. I had avowed. I had passed it on a paper

along with, I folded it up and signed the gun. You wrote down, I am a night person and that defines me. See, I almost fell off the chair. It did define me. You were always working on your night moves. How many people in here are childless?

Childless. Okay. How many people in here have children at home and they're here at this show? I like that. I like that. They're holding up a baby. Don't hold up a baby. They are holding up a show. I like that. I like that. I think... Oh, don't hold up a baby. They're holding up a baby.

No, don't hold up a baby. They are holding up a baby. Put it down. Someone is holding up a baby like the beginning of The Lion King. I know. Thank you, sir. I hope your baby likes the word fuck.

Yeah, yeah. I was going to say that kid better bought a fucking ticket. Sitting on a lap, sitting on a chair. I don't care. You better have a ticket. Yeah, some bullshit. Here's the thing, Allison. I think your baby remains relatively new.

He does. But I think I have three children. I have a six-year-old, a four-year-old, and an 11-month-old. I didn't realize you had. Mine's 11 months old. I didn't realize you had. We have. Okay, go ahead.

Okay, well, that's fun. You guys have similar sexual schedules. Right. Holy shit, what if it's the same baby? Pulling a scam! Alice is like, no, no, no. My baby is totally different. It has a mustache and glasses.

I mean, Jordan, I'm glad you brought up sexual schedules. Yeah. What I know from having three children... If that fucking computer restarts right now, time for me to fuck. What? Time for me to fuck.

I know that... Time to go give it to that vending machine. My wife and I are very much in love, and we share a vibrant, intimate life. Kudos. Thank you. That said, when you reach a certain number of children, when the clock gets to, like, 9.15,

and the children are all asleep, you know that's when you're making a choice. You're either going to fuck or watch one episode of Cheers before you fall asleep. I mean, with the right positioning, it could be both. That's so true.

For us, we've been trying to watch the same episode of Vanderpump Rules for a long time. But you keep getting so fucking turned on. That's right. They just keep saying pump so much. It's that piece of man meat, Jax. Like, I know every single one of those.

Not a big Pump Rules crowd. Okay. Every single one of those parents who's in this comedy show at 1030, that means that they chose this over having sex. I just wish I could prioritize sex over the episode of TV. And I should probably be talking to your wife about this. Yeah. I mean, are you watching a – that's the thing.

Like, a lot of these TV shows are serial now. So you get caught up in that cliffhanger. Yeah. You want to know how that crisis resolves. I just found out there's a third season of Broadchurch. So, sorry, Daniel. Is that that one where Thomas Hayden Church gets real fat? I don't think so.

Ladies and gentlemen, professional entertainer, Andy Ritz. Can I bring up one more thing? Yes, please. Are we saying Fieri now? Because I think he says Fieri. However, you said Fieri, and Janine Garofalo, who's a guest on my show tomorrow, I was watching her special,

she says Fieri, like, with no hesitation. And I feel like, why am I... Wait, I'm not supposed to say Fieri? Fieri? Yeah, I'm a local newscaster. He says Fieri. Yeah but the guy says fucking

Sammich. And then he's going to get classy with his own name. I'm going to Paris to have a Sammich.

I resent all the nine or ten times I've ever said Fieri and then felt like, oh, I'm putting on airs. You're being... I'm being fancy. Allison, you're just naturally classy. That's with a K.

You bring a dash of class to anything you do. I try. Thank you. Whether it's watching Broadchurch or watching the Vanderpump Rules. Right. I smoke a pipe while doing both. When you were a night person.

Yes. What kinds of things were you doing at night now that you are? And how late does night mean? When did you go to sleep when you were a night person? I probably went to sleep. We're really getting into the interesting stuff. I would say between like... Stock bet times.

1.30 and 2, maybe. Ooh. That's pretty good. Yeah, I really... And I was watching TV. Sure. I was having a snack. I was looking at Twitter.

All the stuff that I do now in daytime hours. What time would you have to be up for your... Wait, you can look at Twitter any time of day? Sure. You can, yeah.

And the same goes for snacks? Yes, yes. It's not... But television... Now, here's the thing. Watching TV, I know that doesn't work at night. They just show that pattern with the Indian chief in the middle. There is a point where Twitter is just English people, though.

I know. There really is a point. Like when you can't sleep and it's like, oh, fucking English people, though. I know. There really is a point. Like when you can't sleep and it's like, oh, fucking English people. I don't know who Fiona Quigley is. Just like a meme and it's like, Arsenal supporters had me like.

What is that? Is that a soccer reference? I don't know. It's also possible that it's something that happened on Father Ted. Whatever that is. I thought I'm Downton Abbey. Is your child here with you in San Francisco? No, he's not.

The plan was that my husband and baby and I were all going to come up, but then we started thinking about what that was. Well, actually, I found out I was doing this particular late show and then I thought if my baby comes I'm going to have to get up early and take care of him fuck that that's not what I signed up for unless somebody wants to bring him

to the show and hold him up like a trophy wouldn't it be funny if that baby was the fan and the parents are like Wouldn't it be funny if that baby was the fan? And the parents are like, I guess. They're like, okay, you have to come with us to stuff you should know, though. The baby's like, come on, Fuel TV.

Current, you know. Guys, so as I said before, we have the 2018 Furry Friends calendar. Oh, Jesus. I only heard about this. I was backstage. Andy, do you want to describe one of the Furry Friends? No, I don't think you should do that. Oh, that's fun. He's like, I don't think you should do that. Oh, that's fun. Look at that.

He's like, I don't know. I'm trying to put on a show here. Allison, Allison, you're on my side. I'm just trying to entertain people. They're looking at a fucking calendar. Is your side that this isn't cute? Because I'm not on your side. Oh, come on.

The audience can't even see the calendar. I know. Oh, come on. The audience can't even see the calendar. I know. Oh my god, interspecies friends. Okay, okay, we're going to play a game. I was going to suggest the winner of this game will get the 2018 furry friends calendar from

Susie K's dry cleaners on third. Wow. That's pretty bold. Allison and Andy, you guys are both here. This isn't either of your first San Francisco Sketch Fest, right? It is mine.

Oh, is it? Yes. Have you visited the San Francisco Bay Area before? I have. I was born in Oakland, actually. Oh, congratulations. Are you wearing an It's It sweatshirt at all? No. There can be only one.

Oh, that's an It's It. I thought it just was a stain. Jesse, you wore the It's It sweatshirt today as a form of pandering. Yeah. I've been very open about that, yes. Today I was wearing my Good Humor sweatshirt

and some young toughs beat the shit out of me. The ice cream allegiances are strong here. Yeah, you gotta know what colors to fly. Yeah. Are It's It's really that much better than all the others?

Yeah. Are they? much better than all the others? Yeah. Okay. Are they? Anyway, here in the San Francisco Bay Area, it's a thriving economy. All these people are extremely rich.

They're rich from one of two sources. There are now only two industries here in San Francisco. Previously, there had been many. Shipbuilding, of course. Sheep. Export. Wool. Textiles. But now we're down to two,

and that is, of course, the technology industry, particularly technology startups, and marijuana dispensaries. So we put together a contest that's called dispensary startup or some shit we made up. So we'll be giving each of you in turn three names. You have to tell us which is a medical marijuana dispensary, which is a technology startup, and which is some shit we made

up. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. Allison, you're the most recent guest to sit down, so you go first. It just makes sense. Here's your first question. The choices are Blismo, Blazortag, first question. The choices are Blismo Blazer Tag No vowels.

Or Surefire with a Y. Blismo Blazer Tag or Surefire with a Y. One of these is a real startup. One of these is a real dispensary here in San Francisco. One of these is some shit we made up. They all feel like shit you made up. But I am going to say, A, Blismo is a dispensary.

C, Surefire, though it has vowels, is a startup. And B, Blazortag is made up because it's too on the nose. That's exactly what I would have said. Blismo is a startup. Oh. We did make up blazer tag, and we're very proud of it. What do you imagine that it is? A marijuana startup.

You know what it sounds like? It sounds like a future drug from a sci-fi movie. Yeah. I think it's like a high-powered burst of weed smoke that you shoot at people. Oh, like a weed dart. Yeah, exactly. Like a ball of smoke. Oh, I'm so fucking high now.

I'm a brain surgeon. I can operate. From a super dank sniper. Yeah, yeah. So, Allison Rosen, one point for you in the first round. Doesn't she get two? Oh, no, never mind. She only got one right?

Andy, this one's for you. Andy, you're going to lose the's for you. I can't help it. Andy, this one's for you. Okay, I'm ready. Andy, you're going to lose the calendar because you're giving her points. I do want this calendar. All right. Well, I mean, I've already memorized the address. I can just go fucking get one.

You should bring dirty clothes if you're going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do. Alterations, too. They do alterations. These clothes are so filthy. I don't even know what day it is. We're your one-stop shop, Mr. Richter.

And I sure am lonely. I stained my pants and I want to see two things that usually hate each other be friends Andy this is yours okay I'm ready Meta Thrive M-E-D-I Thrive somebody's like oh I work there

someone works it I'm gonna say Someone in this audience Works it Every single one of these That's real U Biome U Biome Little U

Capital Biome Biome Daddy's num nums Alright All right. The A, B, and C, it's the title of the game. A is the dispensary. B is the startup. Don't you know me.

It's that fucking baby. And daddy's num-nums is shit you made up. That's three out of three. Absolutely right. No, jerk. Yeah. No. Andy Richter is on television.

Yeah. Don't talk to him like that. I know things. He's personal friends with the Olsen twins. That's right. What are you on? Oh, it's John Dickerson from Face the Nation. Sorry, sir.

I'm glad you're going to be on CBS this morning. Do you want to give Allison this one? Allison. Yes. Two, one, two. Number two. Word one. Letter two.

Two Wong Fu. 23 Skidoo. Iron Brew. Too Cool For You. Cuckoo Cuckoo. Or Google.com. So technically, technically in this one, we made up a few extras. Right.

What happened is we rhymed one thing and then we thought it would be fun to have more rhymes. So there's actually... In lieu of humor or jokes. Sure, yeah. 23 Skidoo is where you find out if you're related to flappers. They've been underwriting on NPR's The Hidden Brain. So in this list, there actually is a dispensary, a startup. There is a dispensary and a startup. I don't know if you're going to be able to guess which one of these

is a tech company okay 2-1-2 is something real I suspect okay I hmm

now take this very seriously Allison I know this is a real contest and if you lose you'll be embarrassed I need the calendar

I love cute shit I I need the calendar. I feel like Iron Brew might be real as well. So now I just have to determine which one is which. I think 212... This feels wrong, but I'm going to say that's a startup. Which one of these is a technology company, Allison? Oh, but you're saying startup, so it's confusing. Yeah, you said startup.

Thank you, Andy. It's started up. Oh. But it's been done started. Then Google is the startup. Yeah, Google is the startup. Boy, I hope it goes well for them. Yeah.

Hope it works out. Hope they're not one of those dot-com crash stories. Yeah, just a couple of kids in a garage with a dream. Hope it works out. Hope they're not one of those dot com trash. Yeah, just a couple of kids in a garage with a dream. And a pool table. They always have pool tables.

Probably a fish tank. Okay, so now I just have to find a dispensary. Cereal bar? Anybody here work somewhere with a cereal bar?

212 is the dispensary. You're absolutely correct. That's three out of three. Three points for Allison Rosen. I can taste that calendar. It's back to you, Andy. Number four.

Here's your choices. Turplandish. Turplandish. Twisper. Twisper. And taint-twasn't. Jesus. See?

Those choices again. Turplandish, Twisper, and Taint Twesn't. I know this is supposed to be fun, but the fact that two of these are real business names makes me mad. Makes me fucking angry. Fuck you, Terplandish because I know you're real the premise of

21st century San Francisco is getting mad that someone makes that much money doing whatever that is oh you get paid $184,000 to what? yes I know

I think I'm going184,000 to what? Yes, I know. I think I'm going to go again with ABC, dispensary, startup, and shit you made up. Absolutely correct. Six to four, Allison. Here's one for you. But turplandish. What the fuck? It sounds like it's where a hobbit buys his weed. I know, but it's like, yeah.

It's like, how is that supposed to say weed? Okay, here's one for you, Allison. Like rain, like unicorn tears. Like that's a dispensary name. Like a little melancholy, you know? Yeah. I'm tired of these upbeat dispensaries. Allison Rosen.

Yes. Growbots. Spark. S-P-A-R-C. All capital. Or Fart Sniffer. There's no E at the end of Fart Sniffer. Right.

Well, why would there be? Yeah. Well, because Fart Sniffer with an E does lead to fart sniffer. Right. Well, why would there be? Well, because fart sniffer with an E does lead to a port site. Yeah. URL confusion. Elegant dating app. Right. Okay. Great interface.

It's an fart sniffer with an E is a dating app where you meet at the Burbank airport at one of Guy Fieri's restaurants. One of these is a disp's restaurants? One of these is a dispensary. One of these is a startup. One of them is some shit we made up, Allison. Fart Sniffer is shit

you made up. And I mean, I feel like Spark is the dispensary and Growbots is the startup, but that's just so straightforward, but I'm going to go with it. You're absolutely correct on all three. Thank you.

Next one goes to you, Andy. Oh, I'm ready. Andy, the Cookie Co. Treat Full. Shake Bucket. Also, all Guy Fieri restaurants. I think that Treatful is a dispensary. I think the Cookie Company is a startup.

And I think that Shake Bucket you made up. Well, Andy, bad news. We made up Shake Bucket, but the Cookie Co. is a dispensary. And Treatful is a startup. So that's only one point, and it all comes down to this. A lot of pressure. Allison Rosen. The last question.

Yes. Munchery. The Apothecarium, Dr. Good Vibe's sweet green gongitorium. Those choices again, Allison. Munchery, the apothecarium, or Dr. Good Vibe's sweet green gongitorium. I used to live across from a place called Dr. Free Cloud's Mixing Lab,

which was not a dispensary. I don't know. They sell antiques, right? Yeah. They sold headphones and records. Oh, God. See, I feel like those shifty pot smokers, of which I used to maybe be one. Dr. Good Vibe's Sweet Green Gonditorium

sounds like something that would be funny when you're high, but gonditorium sounds... It's that word that's making me think it's fake. So I'm going to say the apothecarium is the dispensary, munchery is the startup, and C, you made up. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a champion, Allison Rosen. Oh, no.

Goodbye, furry friends. Jordan, when something momentous happens to someone in our audience, we ask them to call us or line up in the crowd or whatever for our signature segment, Momentous Occasions. Got some momentous occasions here. Let's start with well, look at this. This is a momentous occasion from podcasting celebrity Ben Harrison of the

Greatest Generation. What? Hi, Ben. Aren't you launching a brand new program this week? Yeah, my co-host Adam Pranik and I and John Roderick just launched a show on the Maximum Fun Network, Friendly Fire. And we're doing it here at Sketchfest on the 17th, so everybody here should come. Way to sell it, Ben. It's really funny, and it's about war.

What's your momentous occasion? It's really funny, and it's about war. What's your momentous occasion, Ben? I was at the airport on the way here, and I was in the Sky Lounge waiting for my delayed flight, and Taraji P. Henson sat down next to me. Ooh. And then after like 45 minutes, she got up to go get her flight, I guess, but she left a copy of LAX Magazine that she was on the cover of. So I kept it.

And they say they're not pushing her new movie. I only read LAX Magazine for the articles. Same. Chili's 3. Ben Harrison, ladies and gentlemen. Where's Rebecca? Rebecca. All right.

Hi. Hi. Rebecca just ambled onto stage like as though we were like the spin doctors and she was Neil Young. And we were like, Neil Young's here tonight. Come on up.

And she's like, well, all right. You want to hear my momentous occasion? Yes, please. Okay. So I went out this week and got pretty drunk and had to go to work the next day and somehow magically woke up at 7.30, even though I hadn't set an alarm because I had blacked work the next day. And somehow magically woke up at 7.30. Even though I hadn't set an alarm. Because I had blacked out the night before.

And it was one of those amazing moments. Where I woke up perfectly on time. Even though I may have been sleeping in my clothes from the night before. And I woke up, took a shower, and went to work. What? And it was amazing. Let's hear it from all the enablers in the audience. That is really impressive, Rebecca. How long have you been a problem drinker?

Not at all. No, it was appropriate. Okay. I promise. How do you feel about accepting higher powers? Hey, I made it to work, right? Yeah, that's true. So you're functional.

Yeah. As long as I can still do the thing. What was the cause of the drinking? Was it just fucking Tuesday night, dude? No, it was a really good reason. I got thirst. No, it was a great reason. I hadn't seen my best friend for a really long time

because of the holiday breaks. We both had seen our families. Wait, hold on. Time out. We had our reunion. Did she just say... I'm going to go to the... You hold it for a second. Did she just say her reason was

she hadn't seen her best friend for a really long time because they'd gone to see their families for the holidays. I hope the next part of this is like, and when she went, she fell through the ice, went into a coma, was in a coma for three years,

and had just come out of the coma. Thus, it had been a long time since I had seen her. It had been like a month. Allison, does this sound like the behavior of a night person? It does, actually. Yes, it does. I will admit, I am a night person.

I will define myself like that. Okay. And thank you for saying night person, by the way. Was that your good reason? I do live in San Francisco. Was that the totality of your good reason that you hadn't seen your best friend in a month so you guys went and drank until you blacked out?

Okay, I'll explain it a little bit more. So actually what happened is we went and we hung out really early and we went to like teeth. Do you guys know teeth? Well, it's this club. Pat Dispensary. Teeth. teeth? Well, it's this club. Pot dispensary. Teeth.

Yeah, teeth. I've heard of them. I think this might be a case. Somebody's going to have to explain them to the baby. But besides that, I think we're all square. I think this might be a case of you have a certain kind of social life. And the majority of our audience probably came from playing Settlers of Catan? Yeah, Rebecca, are you aware

that you're currently at a podcast taping? Yeah. Hey, how about a hand for Rebecca? Rebecca, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Rebecca. Who's getting wasted at teeth after the show? Okay, Danny. Where's Danny?

Now, see, Danny's taking this serious. She's high-stepping. Hi, Danny. How are you? I'm excellent. How are you? And how fucked up did you get this week? Not enough.

Danny, are you a San Franciscan? Do you live here in San Francisco? The city by the bay? I live here, but I'm from L.A. Oh, interesting. Fascinating, right? Here's an interesting story. I had the reverse experience.

Neato. That's our show, everyone! Well, I wrote two things. I'm not sure. Get right up in that microphone, Danny. Is it about Reggie, or is it about Chowder? Reggie. Okay. But I about Reggie or is it about Chowder? Reggie. Okay.

But I think we all want to hear the Chowder story afterwards. Should we start with Chowder? Let's start with Chowder. Cliffs notes. Have you ever had the Chowder at teeth? That Chowder will get you fucked up. It's a Long Island chowder. You can keep going.

You're a lot funnier than I am. Okay, so let's start with chowder. What's the chowder one? Okay, chowder. I was on the F train. Yeah, that's what's up. Yeah. Shout out to the F. You know what, though?

F train's no J church, am I right? What about that? What about that? Hold up. What about that K Ingleside, baby? Ingleside! You know, they also clapped for a screensaver. This is true.

So you're on the F train. So I was on the F train, and this very intense-looking goth girl was screaming on her phone, I like him, but the only thing is he only eats clam chowder. Wow. Okay.

Holy shit. That was her second best one. Is the Reggie one you just heard the other side of the call? No. Or he was like yeah I think I love her, but she's got a problem with my chowder.

It actually might also be about Reggie. They might be about the same person. Okay, so what's this Reggie one that I've been hearing so much about? So, Reggie, I was in a bar in Oakland, and on in the girl's bathroom, on the wall, it says, love the way Reggie eats my pussy.

And I want to meet Reggie so bad. Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie! Folks, it's baseball hall of famer Reggie Jackson. Thank you, Danny. Is this Melee? Give her a hand. Melee, ladies and

gentlemen. And what information have you brought us on notorious pussy eaters? Unfortunately, none. I wish. I'm sorry. My momentous occasion is... But I had a DUI in Oakland, and I drove into Lake Merritt. That's a famous

local lake! That is, yeah. Yeah, it's a great... That's just about the furthest thing from a roadway there is. Wait, has there been some confusion? Are some of you here because you think this is an AA meeting? Are we just all sharing rock-bottom

stories? I asked if it was a joyous, momentous occasion or like a depressing one or a fun one. I just have a question about the chronology. Did you get the DUI and then drive into the lake? They charged me with that after they got me out. So, yeah. Was it like a situation? I don't know Lake Merritt.

Is it deep? Well, no. Because by the time that I... Don't Lake-splain to her. Hey, she's telling the story. She knows how deep the lake is. She doesn't need a fucking man telling her how deep the lake is. Strong woman. I'm sorry.

How deep is the lake? So by the time that I crawled out of the window, because the window was down and the water was coming in, and I was able to claw my way to the surface, and the lake is salty for everyone that was wondering. What? You never want to find that out, but it is. Most lakes made of tears are.

The water came up about yay high when I finally stood up. Oh, so like chest high. Yeah. For those at home, it's chest high. Yeah, I was able to stand there and realize I could never talk my way out of what just happened. You're just like, oh, fuck this. I'm going to Children's Fairyland. Yeah, just beelined

right over there. I think this is the first momentous occasion we've ever had that includes the phrase, and then I clawed my way out. You'd think it would come up more, frankly. You would think so. You would think our listeners would be clawing their way out of more things. So did you actually get the whole vehicle into the lake? The entire vehicle went into the lake.

I don't remember much other than the wheels kind of catching and then all of a sudden just whoop right in because some parts of the lake there's like a sidewalk and there's like, you know, pieces of grass where you can have picnics but the part that I was driving along was literally just sidewalk, dirt, lake. So it was just you

driving down the sidewalk. Driving, driving, just like wheeling and dealing in summer nights. Do you remember So it was just you driving down the sidewalk. Driving, driving, just like... And one wrong turn. Wheeling and dealing in summer nights. Do you remember what happened? Like, do you remember it? I don't remember. All I remember is, like, the wheels catching.

I remember I had a fight with my boyfriend in a parking lot before that. Right. So I was driving angry. He's like, who's this Reggie that's been texting? But, yeah, but the car was, I think the car was like flipped next to me because I remember tires near me. So somehow

it flipped. Wow. Yeah. Dang! Yeah. You put in work. Yeah. You made it. What kind of car are we talking about? We're talking about a 2004 two-door Volkswagen Golf. Oh, yeah. That's a nice car. It's a nice car. It was.

German engineering. It was really nice, yeah, and I figured with all the water damage, it just went, you know? Let me tell you this. Nice car, bad boat. Thank you. Thank you for the tip. Melee, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. We got one more.

Where's Ernesto? Ernesto, come on up. Did he go to the bathroom? No, there he is. He's getting up. Oh, no. We want you to come up on stage. Oh, are you going to get something? You have something in the freezer? Ernesto, what do you have

in the freezer? I did not get enough of what I got. I went to Safeway before the show and got a bunch of it's it's to share. Oh shit! Aww Ernesto! How many it's it's did you get? 60? Nah! That's a lot.

Fucking fight it out you guys. Ernesto just came through for many of you. Ernesto ladies and gentlemen. We get to throw those into the crowd, right? Yeah, that would be more fun. Oh, look out. See, this is just

they're coming from all directions. No one can follow this trajectory. God, this is tremendous. This is the best thing I've ever been a part of. I know. Same. This is like feeding the homeless at Thanksgiving. I feel like I'm putting some beauty into the world. It's like feeding the ice cream-less at a podcast festival.

I want to throw them. Okay. Hey, while we're throwing these, should we get the band back on stage? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage, Bayonix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, y'all? We go by the name Bayonix. And my name is Reggie.

What's going down? You know how we do it. But an instant will do. That's it. We got a song. We're going to play another track for y'all. Is that all right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Na, na, na, na.

Oh, na, na. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Thank you. ignored Time to keep on moving Can't be a fuck off But it ain't going nowhere Don't know what I'm waiting on Don't know what I'm waiting on It's like standing on the front line Anticipating It's like standing on the front line The ground is shaking Cold nights getting harder But I don't got patience But I don't got patience, but I don't got patience Patience, patience, but Yeah! Woo! Yeah! I hear it!

I hear it! That come me the giant, the champion, a lion, a rider You gonna make me roar, break out the sirens They riding, the girlies, they grinding Hooking up on dance floor, when do we come in there? Save me, who's the baddest? All for the world to see You know now we all the statues, causing havoc All we now ever be I'ma give my, my shots to me players

I don't got no more time for these haters Gonna keep my game sharp like a razor Come follow me, I guess I'm gonna take you Oh, oh, oh, oh Holding that down for my people Oh, oh, oh, oh Look at where we been rockin' Oh, oh, oh, oh

You know from my egos Oh, oh, oh Oh, we cannot be forgotten What's going on? What's going down? You see them, they look up around What's going on? What's going down? Feel up when they get you down What's going on? What's going down? They smell the gun smoke on the clouds

What's going on? What's going down? This is Michael Town Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh na, na, na, na, na, yeah, yeah Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh na, na, na, na, na, yeah, yeah Oh na, na, na Ooh, na, na Ladies and gentlemen, Bayonix! Allison Rosen!

Andy Richter! Special thanks to everybody here at SF Sketch Fest. Brian Fernandez, our producer. Jennifer Marmer, helping out. The guy who brought the it's it's. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.