Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 522: Top Daddy with John Roderick

Episode Date: March 13, 2018

The guys forego their usual topic this week to have a juicy chat with musician and podcaster John Roderick.  They get into the bargain you make when you decide to start swimming at 6am, the history of John's missing front tooth, and the very real possibility that Jesse is a shark-man because he still has a baby tooth well into his 30's.  Plus, John talks about his new war movie podcast, Friendly Fire.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every week on Jordan Jesse Goh, we get into the craft of leather crafting. Belts, wrist watch straps, even a little bit of shoemaking. Tan that hide? Yes, please.

Thank you very much. We're not the first podcast to be pro-hide tanning, but, you know, we're probably the best. Yeah. Hey, Jesse. Yeah. I've noticed that because— Is this about Aniline hides again? It's not. It's not.

It's not. I know. If I get into it, I'm going to rile up the internet again, and I don't need that. But I – here's my concern, that I think because our podcast – just because of Apple Podcasts grouping and their categories they have. Right. I think that our leather podcast is attracting a lot of enthusiasts who listen and then are disappointed that it's about the craft of leather making. I'm trying to be delicate here because I don't want to get crass. I mean, we've had meetups. Right.

So I've met some of the cool dudes who come to them. Yeah. And they seem really great. And they love leather. I mean, they even do cosplay for the meetups. Yeah. I mean, that's great. I love all those looks.

Dogman, especially. Yeah. That guy is always great. God, I love to see Dogman. But I think that just there's some- Could you imagine loving leather so much that you become Dogman? I mean... Just a passion for the...

Just the craft, the tools, the process. I love it. I've been doing this leather podcast for, you know, nigh on 500 episodes. I mean, I've made so many things out of leather. I haven't even begun to try making a codpiece. And so for people who are starting there, the passion that must drive them is incredible. And I just think, here's the kinds of comments that I'm concerned about. Right.

Why can I understand, and I'm reading here from our reviews. Right. No, I see that you have a printout of our reviews that our producer Brian Fernandez provided you. Yeah. And some sheets from MapQuest.com so I could get over here faster. Really want to take the best route. And some concert some sheets from MapQuest.com so I could get over here faster. Sure. You want to take the best route.

And some concert tickets. Love printing stuff out. Is that a Southwest boarding pass? I see you're in the acreage. It is. Full color, too. Wow. So I also get some Minute Maid orange juice ads on the side. Can I also mention, what a gorgeous Papa John's coupon and an incredible value.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Is that inkjet or bubble jet? Oh, a little of both. It's my own special blend. In addition to making my own leather goods, I also blend my own printer inks. Yeah. So here's some of the comments.

Why can I understand these guys? They should have ball gags in. Right. And so I think that maybe- Not everybody's going to love the show. No, but I think we've been bad about outreach and clarity. Right. So I think that-

We had that whole episode about outreach and the reach around and the whole nine yards. Yeah, I know. Well, in my around and the whole nine yards. Yeah, I know. Well, in my case, the whole six yards. In my case, the whole four yards. Yeah. But here's the thing is I think that we need to do some advertising, maybe some social media work so as we are not attracting the kinds of people who think they can use this to jack off.

Right. And I'm being a little crass here, but what I think I mean, again, in the interest in clarity, what do you use podcasts for? You know, just killing time while I'm doing laundry. Weird. Yeah. Like while you're doing laundry? Yeah um like it while you're doing laundry yeah or you know folding laundry or you know commute aren't your hands too busy to jack off

um no i mean i just jack off later here's sorry but but the but there's a do you just listen to very long podcasts like the the best show or no i say uh alexa make jungle noises okay yeah sorry i'm kind of a kinkster right you love a good check yeah so sinuous yeah i just imagined that jaguar stalking live so anyways we've got a we've got a pr problem on our hands i think it's gone unaddressed for 500 or so episodes. Why don't we use this as kind of a stopgap episode? Right. Leave the leather in the leather cabinet.

Okay. Which is where I keep my leather. Okay. Is it okay if I hang on to my awl? Yeah. No, that's fine. I know it's kind of a comfort thing, like Linus' blanket. I chew on it.

Yeah. That's why you call it. I chew on it. Yeah. That's why you call it your num-num. Yeah. Why don't we just chat with a guest from the world of podcasts? Is this a possible meme for Jordan Jessico when Bae loves his num-nums? I mean, listen. If we're anything, if we're a couple of things, we're a leather podcast. Yeah.

We're a disappointing jack off choice. Right. And we're a meme factory. Right. Couple of meme lords over here. Sure. So, yeah, maybe. So you say to your, when you need to be sexual.

Yeah. You say to your smart speaker, Alexa, play Jungle Sounds. Or Alexa, play Downeaster Alexa. One of the two. It's either Jungle Noises or Billy Joel Story Songs. I mean, you know me, I usually just say, hey, Alexa,

play Huey Lewis and the News Sports. Sure. Also a good choice. Anyway, why don't we chat with a guest from the world of music and podcasting, and we'll get back to leather next week. You know him from the long winters. You know him from his time as a celebrated local columnist. You know him as a raconteur.

You know him as the host of Maximum Fun's own Friendly Fire podcast. You know him as the host of other podcasts, I presume. Wouldn't know, and frankly, there's no way to know. John Roderick. Hi, guys. I'm so psyched to be here on your leather podcast. Hold on. Sorry, man.

We're taking a break. Although I have to say I'm a little disappointed no one has called me daddy since I came in. I'm clearly like top dad. Well, that's what Twitter's for. That's right. For people calling you daddy. You know, I'm wearing all the accoutrements that should indicate to people that I am top dad here. And everybody just gave me that weird Max Funn-like shy eye.

Roderick's ready to go. Roderick's ready to go. Yeah, so who wants the first spanking? He's here. I think it's probably just some confusion. We did invite you as a top dad, but Jesse and I are both top dads. Well, this is a problem, right? We assumed you were a bottom dad.

No, that's a incorrect assumption. I'm actually putting out- I misread your LinkedIn profile. I'm sorry. I'm actually putting out a rap album on Kendrick Lamar's label. It's called Top Dog Top Dad. John, you're not an Angeleno, so we don't have you on the podcast as much as we'd like. Yeah, I'd like to be here more, but I'm down in Los Angeles for a few days here around Valentine's Day.

Performing a romantic concert. I did. I performed a romantic concert last night in celebration of Valentine's Day. Came down to just romance the stone. Sure, you gotta. Don't neglect the stone. Yeah. I came down to just romance the stone. Sure, you gotta. Don't neglect the stone. Yeah.

My entire life philosophy, romance the stone, chew the num-num. Sure. That's it. That covers both poles. Yeah. So I did that. I romanced the stone, romanced the shit out of it. Good. And now I'm just hanging out because I got a room in one of those weird new downtown high-rises.

Oh, yeah. With floor-to-ceiling windows with this view of all the helipads of downtown L.A. Of which there are many. There are so many. Wasn't it a weird law? Like while they were constructing things, there was something like helicopters have to be able to land here. Things aren't safe. Yeah, I think so.

It was post the Towering Inferno movie or something. It was in L Towering Inferno movie or something. It was in LA code. You have to have a helipad in any building over five stories tall or something. And they just changed that law recently because all the top dog architects were like, we don't want to build buildings in LA. We can't put big, cool spires on them. Yeah. And so they were all building buildings in Dubai, and L.A. had an inferiority complex.

I mean, and I think that is kind of one of the things. And, you know, not to get into hack comedy here, but I think that's one of the things you hear about L.A. There's so much traffic. There's not enough spires. No spires, right? All the buildings have flat tops. I feel like, why are we even talking about this? Woody Allen did these jokes in 1973.

Sure. Okay? Sorry. So yeah. So floor to ceiling windows, are you doing a lot of gazing out? Yep. Yep. I do some gazing out. I lay in bed and I look out across the great... It's not a view you see of LA unless you're in a helicopter. Sure. Yeah. Where you're way up high because everything in LA is way down low. So yeah, I'm tripping out. So I just keep calling down to the front desk and I'm like, I'm staying another night. You can't get me out of here. You know what I say about down low? Too slow.

Okay, sure. And how was the atmosphere at the romantic concert? Was it in the air? Did it tip over into nasty or did it stay PG-13? Did it get stank at all? No. How stank was it in the air? Did it tip over into nasty or did it stay PG-13? Did it get stank at all? No. How stank was it in there? It was not very stank.

It was a concert featuring a lot of indie rockers who are typically not known for their bump and grind. Sure. And it was oriented around a single grand piano, which, again, doesn't really, there's not a lot of, like, taboo rhythms that go along with, like, you know, bing bong, bing bong bong. Every year at Carnival, they roll out the grand piano onto that float. Yeah, and have, like, 11 people that don't normally play the piano sit and try and make some funky music on it. But it was heartfelt and there was a lot of vulnerability and that's what people want now in romance. Sure. They want it raw, real, raw. Raw dog from top daddy.

That's right. But not like grinding on them. Right. They want you to get inside their little heart and make it all sad in there. Got to make it all sad in there. So that's what I'm pretty good at. Filling people up with your sadness. I do.

I mean, you know, I'm filling them softly with my song, which is a song of sorrow. And again, I don't know exactly when this is gonna release we have you know we're kind of having staggered recording releases I just want to mention that the first single from my album top dog top daddy yeah it's called filling them softly but it's about making like cream blintzes right nasty little blintzes, right? Yeah, nasty little blintzes. Got to get up in them blintzes.

Ooh, got to top them with a compote. Guys, let's stop stealing jokes from latter-day American Pie sequels. Sorry. Yeah, direct-to-video ones that Eugene Levy was also in. It's called American Pie Lime. Sure. I received... So yesterday was Valentine's Day. John, you did your romantic concert.

I did. In the morning on Valentine's Day, I was just checking my email. Received a mass email from the Netflix Corporation. Congratulations. Thank you. That's exciting. And the headline was, watching Netflix tonight? Which seemed cruel.

Which seemed like a taunt. Yeah. Well, yeah, but it's a way of saying, like, it's a way of normalizing aloneness, right? Yeah. So it's actually pretty kind because it makes somebody that's like, I'm watching Netflix tonight. And then they put an exclamation point at it. This is my problem with Trump's America.

We're normalizing aloneness. Sure. This is not normal. The lonely should be shamed. Fuck on Valentine's Day or else. That's right. If you're eating dinner alone in a restaurant, everybody should come by and shake their head ruefully at you. Anyway, so I'm feeling taunted by the Netflix Corporation. Watching Netflix tonight?

And what was their suggestion? Something about zombies or murder or something? So I did open the email, despite being insulted about it. Sure. I did open the email. You're a curious man. So they suggested Star Wars Rogue One, which, you know. It's a sexy movie. Well, I mean, but also the name kind of taunts the lonely. Yeah, that's true.

Are you a Rogue One? Or empowers the lonely, like, I'm a Rogue One. No, yeah, that's true. I can steal those Death Star plans. You could take yourself out to a solo fan and say, yeah, table four, rogue one. Oh, sure. Yeah, I reserve all my tables under the name Jin Erso. Just so people don't know who I am.

It's like, you know, it's a celebrity thing. Sure, sure, sure. But did you guys have valentines? I know Jesse's got a valentine. I have a valentine. I call her my Galentine. Oh, your Galentine. Oh, because you.

No, I had a solitary business-like Valentine's Day. Oh. Yeah. Mine is Wonder Woman, by the way. Is your Galentine. Is your Galentine, sure. Yeah. Isn't she your Shiro?

Yeah, that's true. Okay. She can't be both, Jesse. Yeah, you totally can. Oh, okay. Very highly decorated. It's unusual. It's like an EGOT. Oh. Yeah, you totally can. Oh, okay. It's very highly decorated. It's unusual. It's like an EGOT.

Oh, okay. So it's a blend, like a printer ink. Exactly. Okay. When you say a business-like Valentine's Day, what is... Yeah, so I am... My lifestyle these days is that of a... Now we're getting into it. Is that of a... I mean, listen, I'm two things.

Right. I'm a freelance writer and I'm a top dad. Right. Leather dad. A top daddy. But so when you want to get a job on a late night show, you have to do a submission for them. Oh.

So which is- Like in a vial? Yeah, right. You have to- You know what? You've got to get it to them within 20 minutes or it is not. I have not been having a lot of luck getting staffed on late night shows. It's probably just because I'm sending them vials of cum.

Right. Now that you say that. What do the things request? Actually? Yeah, vials of urine. Right. If somebody wants a vial of urine and you send them a vial of cum, that's a power move. That is a top dad move.

Sorry, baby, this is all I make. I'll throw this into fifth gear, baby. There's probably some urine particles in there, is what you say to gross everybody out. Urine particles is my second single. So usually it's a lot of things that would be on the show. So it's like jokes about, topical jokes about the news and desk pieces or sketches or whatever that show does that's different from the other ones.

So I'm working on one of those. So I had a nice night working on topical jokes. Coming up with some jokes. Do you guys want to hear some jokes about the Winter Olympics? I do want to hear jokes. I mean, this is the thing about comedy writing that I've never fully understood. Yeah. The ability to sit down and just like churn out jokes.

Yeah. And then just send them off like it ain't no thing. And then the next day just make some more jokes. Do you want to hear a topical joke that I wrote about the Winter Olympics? Yeah, I would love to. So, Sean White, the American skateboarder. He's a very admirable American. One, well, moderately admirable.

Oh, does he have, is there like scuttlebutt on Sean White? There is. We'll derail this joke, which is not about that. Okay, sorry. Let's get back to that. Sean White, the American skateboarder, won a gold medal and was seen dragging an American flag on the ground. Uh-oh. I think we should send him to Cuba.

That is really good. Thank you. Yeah, that's nice. That's like a James Corden thing. I hear it in my ear. I hear it in James Corden's voice. I don't want to. It didn't make me laugh.

Yeah. But inside, I'm like. Well, a lot of comedy people, it's more of a nod than you get. You know, you can't play the back of the room. So that's sort of a broad. Right.

So the way I see that joke working is sort of to a broad swath of what I call real Americans. So an elitist comedy snob like Jordan wouldn't really get it. I also, I wrote one for Bill Maher. Oh, sure.

For real time. It's the same premise. Right. Sean White's dragging a flag. I'll do the whole thing. I'm, you know, Sean White, the American skateboarder, won a gold medal in the Olympics in South Korea, and he was seen dragging an American flag on the ground. Fuck me? No, fuck you.

Right. Buy Bitcoin. Yeah. I assume. I don't know a lot about Bill Maher. I'm assuming he's into Bitcoin. Probably into Bitcoin. Probably into Bitcoin. Yeah. I'm still confused about writing jokes, even after all of that. Well, you clearly weren't paying attention because that was a master class. That was a master class.

Thank God it was recorded, John. Yeah. You can listen back and you maybe listen to it a little bit on a slower speed. It's a slow burn. I think later at Langer's I'll like crack up at it.

I like to slow down comedy podcasts so I can really savor it. Really get in there. I mail them come. I mail them come I did have a I feel like our show would be so upsetting at that speed

it's already a little upset you know what they say upsetting at any speed yeah sure that's Ralph Nader said about this showting at any speed. Yeah, sure. That's Ralph Nader's career. Upset about this show. Upsetting at any speed.

You know, I feel bad about sad sacking so much. No one wants to hear that. Right. I mean, perhaps an indie rock audience at a Valentine's Day show wants to hear that. That's all we know. I did have a positive experience. I'd love to share it with you guys. What was that?

Something that made me feel good. So I don't know. I've talked a little bit on the show about swimming seriously again. Oh, hey. I'll be your Palantine if it helps. Nah. Nah. Seems like another taunt.

Seems like another Netflix-esque taunt. Yeah, you get that email. Want a Palentine? Yeah. Can I be your Palentine? And then Hulu sent me one that just said, have fun jerking it. You're already, Netflix already decided that you're Palentines with Palpatine. Emperor Palpatine.

Palpatine is my Palentine. Yeah. Oh, that would be good if this was... Anyway. So you've been swimming. I've been swimming. And so this swim organization that I'm part of is... They have three sessions per day that you can go to.

It's a Scientology thing. You can say it's called the Sea Org. Yes, it's the Sea Org. And you always leave one lane open for L. Ron Hubbard for when he returns. And he will. And he will punish us. By making us watch Battlefield 3. Right.

Reading to us from his volumes of Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction. So I feel like we, in recent shows, we've pissed off both Bloodhound Gang fans and Scientologists. How do you piss off Bloodhound Gang fans? We talked at length about how bad Bloodhound Gang is. You know, they were enormous in England. Really? They were huge in the United Kingdom, much, much bigger than here in the United States.

Interesting. Because they represented to the UK listener a kind of authentic American New York sounding like... Euro dance. Yeah. It seemed to them like real Sopranos style. This is what it's really like. Yeah. So here in America, it read a little bit corny.

Like, hey, I'm making diarrhea jokes over here. Sure. But they were big overseas. Interesting. So there's three sessions to this swim thing. There's an afternoon swim, which I started going to. It starts at about 12.30. Aft swim. Aft swim. A real aft swim.

There's an evening swim that starts at 6. Eve swim. There's also a 6 a.m. swim. Ooh, morning swim. So the folks at the afternoon swim... They're like the reg swims. These are the reg swims.

These are hunks. This is a hunk-based session. You know, lean hunks. Beefy hunks. Tattooed hunks. Shaved hunks. Name your hunk.

Hunky slicksters. They're here. Neck tattoo hunk? Oh, yeah. Oh, John. Oh, the neck tattoo hunks at this swim club. You should see them. Dripping wet. Just, just so moist.

The whole thing leaves Jordan dripping wet. Yeah, the whole thing. But I, I started challenging myself to go to the morning swim, the 6 a.m. swim. Why? Why do you do that to yourself? You know, just because I'm all about pushing myself. You got to get up at 5 in the morning to make it to 6 a.m. swim? Yeah, and we're setting the alarm for maybe 5.20.

We're trying to get on the road by 5.30. Dude, 5.20. 5.20, bro. It's like an hour later. Oh, man, I spaced on getting high. Oh, no. Are you breakfasting? You know what?

I don't know if they're sponsoring this episode, but I like to grab an RX bar. Sure. And if they're not sponsoring this episode, a Kind bar. And if they're not sponsoring this episode, a Casper mattress. Yeah, I just eat an entire Casper mattress.

This episode brought to you by Squarespace. Ah, fuck. Can't eat a website. Or can you? Well, with their drag and drop interface. Yeah, drag and drop it right into my mouth. And I am, the swim thing is in Burbank.

So after you get done, I don't know what you guys know about Burbank. Was it at the Johnny Carson Memorial Swim Club? It is, yes, yeah. The Karnak Memorial Pool. Karnak died also, by the way, so he had a memorial pool. Burbank's diner game is very strong. Oh, sure. Very strong diner game up in Burbank. So you grab a little snack up to the pool.

You treat yourself to a nice bacon and eggs afterwards. Sure. And you can get like all kinds of bean pie and other foods that don't exist anywhere else in the world, like with a 70-year-old server. I mean, bean pie is a new one. What's this bean pie you're thinking of? If you go to diners in Burbank and just kind of do the constellation of them, you find all kinds of weird pie.

Interesting. I don't know if you spend much time looking at pie cases. I guess I don't. Well, I do. I've been missing all kinds of bean pies. And you go and you say, like, what do you got in the pie case? And they start going down the pies, and they do the regular pies, right? Sure.

The apple cherry, berry pies. And then they get to mung bean. And then they get down there, and they're like, but, you know, like, here we got the— You seem like a real pie guy. Yeah, let's take you in the back and show you the real pie case. They open their overcoat. This hanging pie. And there's all these pies that are like green and made out of fosberries and winkle berries and stuff and different kinds of beans.

What's amazing is that the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. Yeah, they do. It is. So anyway, go in there. I mean, you have to find- Do not lick the wallpaper at the Bob's Big Boy, by the way. Do not lick the wallpaper at the Bob's Big Boy. Start asking for the secret fives.

You will get hepatitis. You know, only go to diners where the servers are over the age of 50. That's the standard Burbank methodology. That's the Burbank way. Jordan, you get hepatitis, but it's Drew Carey's hepatitis. Whoa. It's kind of cool. He loves it there.

He has a booth. Yeah. But yeah, no, I mean, I guess I should start going to these places. Well, so you get out of swimming and it's still, what, seven in the morning? Yeah. Wow. And I think the next time I'm in there, I'm going to grab my waitress by her lapels and say, hey, Helen, stop fucking with me. Where's the bean pies?

Why are you hiding the pies? Why are you hiding the bean pies? But this has got to feel – you've got to feel so vital. Yeah. You know, it really is a – so, yeah, here's the 6 a.m. swim bargain that you're making. You feel like a fucking million bucks. Yeah. Until around 6 p.m. when you want to go to sleep. Yeah, right. But you do.

It is a more effective you for that short time. But, yeah, trying to do anything after 6 p.m. is nigh impossible. I actually feel almost exactly the same way just from the exercise of having children. I would say the only difference is that I feel terrible all the time. Okay. Yeah. But you're jacked. Man, I want to go to sleep at six.

Yeah. I mean, my problem is I stay awake till 3 a.m. whether I try differently or not. Really? I could take straight heroin. I could snort heroin at 8 p.m. and I would still be awake until 3. You wouldn't cut it with anything, not even like chamomile tea. Just 100% pure refined heroin. What about that sleepy time bear tea? Yeah, and a little sleepy time bear tea and some melanon and whatever.

Right. And a nice slice of like nice warm but not hot bean pie. A little warm bean pie and a milk chaser. So I go to sleep at 3 and then I have to wake up at 6 to get my kid to school. Oh, boy. And so I'm on this like three hours of sleep thing. Like Napoleon. Are you napping?

So I do nap. Because we're in the danger zone here. Yeah. I do nap. But a nap, you know, like I get home and my daughter's like, play with me. And I'm like, I need just a little nap. And she rolls her big blue eyes at me and is like, my daddy is a loser. Yeah.

And goes and plays her own lonely games while I lay there on the couch trying to get like a half hour more sleep before she comes out and says, nap time's over and does what she calls con foo, which is to just jump on my head. Yeah. So that's my, you know, that's my life right now and I don't know how to, I don't know how to go to bed at 10 p.m. Where did the 3 a.m. Is that a result of a life of rock and roll touring?

Is that where that came from? Or have you always been a 3 a.m.er? I think both. I mean, I'm a native late-nighter. Also, I'm one of those people that believes that days should be 28 hours. Sure. 24 hours is not enough day. Because if days were 28 hours, guess what?

I'd go to bed at 3. I'd get 7 hours of sleep. Right. That makes – I mean the math of that adds up. See? So why the hey, right? The numbers work. But also the years and years of being on tour.

We can cut taxes and deficits. Yeah. Sure. We just need a 28-hour day. But I imagine that's nice in your loft because, I mean, I imagine the 2.30 a.m. gaze out over the city makes you feel very powerful. It does. I sit up there. I feel like Michael Douglas with my power tie on just looking just like the world is mine.

It's weird to wear pajamas and suspenders, but it works in this context. I pace around. I kind of like make plans for all. I'm going to land my helicopter on every single building in downtown L.A. That's my plan for the future. Just like Q-Bert. Yeah.

Just land and you change the color of the roof. So the crowd at the 6 a.m. swim. Yeah. Not so many hunks. Old people. It is women with long gray hair, long gray braids who maybe have a common law husband and who maybe are interested in crystals. Right. They're fit and they sleep under a pyramid.

Yes, yes. And probably sometimes have lunch with Beck. Yeah, once in a while have lunch with Beck. And so this crowd, I mean, it's a different ballgame. I mean, it's a different ballgame. The first time I did this, this woman, I'll just go ahead and call them all Cheryl. Sure. Or Jan.

Or Jan. Yeah, Cheryl and Jan. When we got to the end of our lane, she just taps me on the shoulder and gestures up to the sky and says, hey, look, the sun's coming up. And we just floated in the water and watched the sunrise. Wow. And the other day, I'm getting out of the pool. And Jan taps me on the shoulder and says, hey, you know, your body is really changing. And it felt nice.

It felt really nice. I don't know what she meant. You are looking quite lupine. Sure. Yeah. Oh. I was transforming into a wolf. Yeah. For my monthly shame murder.

Jan sounds tuned in to the phases of the moon. Yeah. Yeah. I think, yes. I think if you are going to the 6 a.m. Burbank swim, you are very aware of what the moon is doing at all times. But she's also indicating that you are becoming accepted as a member of this tribe. They're noticing you. Sure.

They're watching the transformation. They're taking some ownership in your progress. Yeah, no, and it's nice. It's nice to feel seen. Maybe even ogled a little bit. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Young guy up at six. Sure, yeah. In the pool? Yeah, maybe I'll see if Jan wants to go to the big boy afterwards. Probably not. She wants to go to the Sprouts hut. Yeah, you're right. Jan probably wants to go to the co-op.

Get something. Have you tried? Carrot melted on Sprouts Hut. Yeah, you're right. Jan probably wants to go to the co-op. Get something. Yeah. Have you tried? Carob melted on sprouts. Even the word carob still transports me back to 1976 when mom named Jan and Cheryl would fake you out with carob chip cookies. You guys are too young to remember this. No, no, no.

I think we've both been carob faked out in our day. to remember no no no i've been we've i think we've both been care of faked out in our day we were i think we are like just as we are very old millennials we are very young people who have been faked out by care yes yeah i think we were probably the last generation to have been faked out by care of that's true what the fuck yeah yeah come over to somebody's house what the fuck tim coda's mom yeah the mom is wearing like a moo moo and you're like hey this is fun over here this is different from my house and then the cookies come out and then you're like this is the best afternoon play date i've ever had before they even called them play dates yeah and then those carob chips yeah at the time like eight and ten year olds

would mostly get together to smoke cigarettes and ride motorcycles. Sure. Sure, we would go ride motorcycles over the baseball field while the little team of misfits was trying to get their game together. Sure, and calling each other ethnic slurs. Right. And shooting BB guns and telling their dad's secretaries they should wear tighter sweaters. Back when America was America. That's right.

U-S-A. Have you tried evening swim? I have tried evening swim. And who's there? Evening swim is, it's maybe a little more of a mix. It's a little, I would say it's more, it is more like young parents. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So the hunks, the hunks are there. They come to swim unless they have an audition. Yeah. Yeah, I think the early swim people are just naturally early risers. Yeah. And, yeah, I think the later swim is people who cannot make either of those. Right, right. I think I'd be at evening swim.

Evening swim is nice. Like a mountain dew in a floating koozie. Yeah. I am not a natural early riser. More of a natural Paul riser. Nice. Nice. Thank you.

Congratulations. Congratulations, you've ended the podcast. He's dragging the American flag on the ground. Send him to Cuba. Send him to Cuba. Get out to Cuba. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, every Jordan Jesse Goh is brought to you by our listeners who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate during the MaxFunDrive. And we thank them. And the MaxFunDrive's right around the corner. We're looking forward to that. Here it comes. However, this week, Jordan Jesse Goh is also brought to you by our friends at ZipRecruiter.com is also brought to you by our friends at ZipRecruiter. Are you hiring, posting your position to job sites, and waiting and waiting for the right people to see it?

Well, ZipRecruiter has revolutionized hiring. Their technology finds great candidates for you. Not some stranger. No, you. You. The person who went to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo and signed up. The nice thing about Zipper, which is what I call it. Sure.

Is it sifts through like a flour sifter or a food mill. Yeah. It's also great for making applesauce. It learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experiences, and invites them to apply for your job. It just drops them a quick line electronically. Hello? Hey. Perfect candidate?

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Yes, Jesse. We mentioned that the MaxFunDrive is coming up. Sure is. A lot of good stuff in the hopper for that. But another great way to put some money in my pocket is to visit the Put This On Shop. It is my vintage gifts and accessories store. And there is all kinds of brand new stuff for spring in there right now.

And as always, everything ships, almost everything ships free with the code TUPPIES. TUPPIES, so go to putthisonshop.com if you want to get yourself some, you know, beautiful men's jewelry or a cool pin, maybe. something to put on your desk and make it look classy, these are some of the options. Put this on shop.com. Okay. Let's get back to the show. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I have to tell you this. Many years ago, you lost a front tooth.

I did. And that was when I met you. Oh, when you met me, I didn't have a front tooth. You were just a strange man who was friends with John Hodgman and had only one front tooth. And did I have really long hair at the time? No, you didn't have really long hair. No, you were in the same kind of moderately long handsome locks that you have today. For a while there, I had hair down to the small of my back and was missing a front tooth.

And that, let me tell you. That's a look. It's a look that communicates that you are a man in his 40s who is thriving. What was the- No matter what phase the moon is in. Yeah. It's always a blood moon, baby. So the thought that I had at the time was I've never seen someone look so handsome.

I've never seen someone who somehow is so well-suited to having one front tooth. Like, usually you meet a person without a front tooth, your main feeling that's going to well up inside you is basically concern. Right. And stop bothering me at the public library. Exactly. Can I – I have two questions. One, what was the decision like or was it a considered decision to get rid of the long hair? Oh, you know, it was –

And also your second question and the same same question but for the tooth yes uh the you know i i grow out my hair and cut i cut my hair myself sure so hair is just another thing i mean i i think it would be it would have been better for me over the years to just have a haircut that is mine sure which is what most men do right they pick a haircut and then they're like this is my haircut and they just roll with that for their life yeah it's called personal branding personal branding i have never done that i grow it out long i usually right before a photo shoot i cut my hair at three o'clock in the morning and i do a butcher job and then so all of the photo shoots if you go look at me uh like any professional photo shoot, I just look awful.

I look like I just put a bowl around my head. You look like you just cut your own hair. And I always thought that that was – On three hours of sleep. On three hours of sleep. I always thought that that was my brand and that people would look at the pictures and be like, yeah, this guy just cut his own hair. But, of course, that's not communicated. What's communicated is this person doesn't have money to spend on haircuts.

Right. But I grew my hair long several times in my life. And this time, most recently in my 40s, I just I was so impressed with it. Like it developed this natural curl. It had all this interesting highlights. It was lush. Really, really enjoyed it. Yeah.

Lush. It was lush. Really, really enjoyed it. Yeah. But then I got asked to moderate a mayoral debate for the Seattle mayoral campaign. Oh, okay. Because, you know, in Seattle, I'm active in political life. Sure. And you were representing the League of Indie Rock Voters. That's right. Exactly. You know, I'm there to communicate with the people on the street.

That is to Seattle as, say, the NRA is to Alabama. That's exactly right. They were like, who are we going to get to moderate this debate? Yeah. Let's get this ding-a-ling. Sure. Can we get big mandolin out of politics? And so just spontaneously in the middle of the night, I was like, well, you know, mayoral debate.

Like, you come either with a missing tooth or long hair, but not both. Right. Yeah, you got to pick one. So I cut my hair. Like, again, in the middle of the night, I just made a spontaneous decision to cut like two and a half years of hair. Yeah. Did you ever braid it? Was it ever in braids?

Yeah, of course. You braid it. You put it in like braids. Like a Punky Brewster, a Willie Nelson. And this was pre- Braided hair share. Or side braids, like if you're fighting in an elven war. Yeah, sure, yeah.

But this was pre-man. Hey, you're preaching to the choir on that one. I know, buddy. Dwarves, dwarves, dwarves. All right, all right. Okay, let's not get into this. We've already angered the Bloodhound Gang fans. Got it.

Thorin's son of Thor again. I never had a man bun because those didn't exist at this point. Oh, interesting. And it would never have occurred to me to put a top knot on my head because I am not a samurai. Sure. Top knot for top daddy. I don't know. I don't know.

I could have made that a thing. Sure. Top not for top daddy. I don't know. I don't know. I could have made that a thing. Sure. But so normally a person would have all their teeth. Okay. I think this is just generally, right? When I was young, before I got sober, when I was not sober, I lived a much more rough and tumble life. Right. I was not then a respected indie rocker

or journalist or podcast or city council candidate. Political wonk? No, I didn't do any of those things. I was just a drunk young person and pursuing a very different course. And during that time, I sustained a lot of injuries, bodily injuries, broken hands and broken other things. Sure.

If I shave my head, boy, it looks like a switchyard in a railroad town. You know? It's just like train tracks of stitches. Or a switchyard in a mostly marine town that still has a railway station.

Sure, an active. A sizable railway station. Right. If you're bringing in shipping containers, you do need to move those by rail. Yeah. Or a switchyard in a very elaborate train set in an old man's basement. Sure. Right.

Or a switchyard that's in a modern art museum that has a switchyard in it as one of its exhibits. That's great. Or in a map of a switchyard. Right. From an old west, you know, sort of like a switchyard that doesn't exist anymore. Exactly. Or. Or.

Uh-huh. Or in a yard, a backyard filled with Nintendo's new console. Right. Is it called Switch? It's called the Switch. Oh, that's great. That's really cool. I was going to say with BDSM enthusiasts who could be either tops or bottoms, but again, there's the confusion around our podcast. I'm thinking actually about moving back to Santa Cruz where we went to college basically to focus on video games

because I got that new Zelda game and I got to beat it so I'm actually going to move into a switchyard. Okay, just see how many shrines you can conquer. Got to find all the shrines. But yeah, so during that period Do you think

the switchyard puns will be a beloved segment on the show? Do you think we've just started – Have we found our what is a goblin? Yeah, maybe we did. I think that there are an unlimited number of switchyard puns. I mean we just barely scratched the surface. Oh, yeah, absolutely. There's a rich vein of ore if we just keep mining.

You guys mine that as long as you can. Sure. Thank you. We'll send you a residual check for each time we do it. Thank you. You have a portion of the mineral rights. Yeah. Well, you know, this is how I make my living, one like 80-cent check at a time.

Exactly. So the missing tooth— Like the one you get for the time you were on Becker. Yeah, that's right. So the missing tooth is a reminder from a previous part of your life. Well, so it reoccurs because initially I got like my whole – all of my front teeth just like really hurt, damaged. Yeah. And then they were put back together by a team of government dentists.

Right. Sure. Suddenly I could chew like through government dentists. Right. Sure. Suddenly I could chew like through metal. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It was a secret program.

Oh, this was a crack team, not a standard team. No, no. It was a crack team of secret dentists who rebuilt me. They made me better than I was. A crack team of crack dentists. They were crack dentists. They focused mostly on patients who'd lost their teeth because of illegal drug use. Yeah. And my teeth also, I mean, one of them was lucite and had a little fish swimming in it.

Yep. Sure. One of them had cyanide in it. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case your moon mission goes awry. That's right. That's right.

You have led a colorful life, John. One of them was a radio transmitter. Shaved to a point as though you were a Mayan ruler. But they are- And one was just a candy corn. And sometimes now with this missing tooth, I'll be chewing gum and I'll just shape the gum into a tooth shape and just hold it in there with my tongue. It's like, yeah.

It's me, old pink tooth. Hello. Like, yeah. It's me, old pink tooth. Hello. But then one of the teeth, the main front tooth, then later I crashed into a microphone as part of my rock job. Ah, yes. Right? And then it broke, newly broke.

And then that one now, sometimes I have it and sometimes I don't, depending on how much I remember not to eat nuts with it. Okay. I've been communicating with a new crack dentist, and we are working on a project where I will in the future be much less likely to sometimes show up to places missing a tooth. And if you listen to the podcasts I do right now, including this one, you'll hear just a very subtle, lispy kind of whistle. Yeah.

That is a product of this. Oh, right. I just thought you were super into Gopher from Winnie the Pooh. Well, it's part of being top dad. Sure. I have to get a tooth implant. I had a baby tooth in my mouth. You know, of all the people I know that could have told me that, you are the least surprised.

Someone who still has a baby tooth? Yeah, I had my own baby tooth that lasted 36 years. It lasted 36 years. Wow. But then I got braces about a year ago, and they were like, we need to take out this baby tooth now because there's – they were like, either you can put a crown on it every two years for the rest of your life or take it out now and put in an implant when you're done with the braces. I was like, okay. Now, did it ever – was it ever brought up to you? And I don't know who your dentists are or how good they are or if they're crack dentists or government dentists.

They're mostly crank dentists. Crank dentists. Well, this might explain it. Right. Was it ever brought up to you that you might be a man shark? No. Because you have rows of teeth behind your normal teeth. I remember vaguely someone mentioning that I might be a half shark, half alligator

man. Okay. Like Mr. Gerbic. What's that? It's a thing from a Cool Keith record. Oh. But no, I did not know that I might be a shark man. I have

a street shark. I have a dorsal fin. Does kind of a street shark. I have a dorsal fin. Does that make a difference? Yeah, I mean, that's points four, I would say. Okay. A prehensile fin? Yeah. Right.

I had been told. You used to open nuts. I had been told that I might be a porpoise man. But that was because I like to grab lovers with my penis and drag them underwater. Well, and sometimes you do communicate by going, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. That's also true. And I can do basic math problems. Well, I guess

the jury's still out then. Sharkman or Porpoise Man? Let us know on our website. Onporpoise.org. Hit us up. Okay, when something momentous happens to you like you find out you're a real porpoise man, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN, like this person has. Hey, boys.

This is Robin from Chicago, calling in with a momentous occasion, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I just got back from a trip to Ireland, and as soon as I boarded the plane, back from a trip to Ireland and as soon as I boarded the plane, a couple with two toddlers got moved from my row to like 15 rows in front of me

and no one ever came to sit in those seats. So I spent the entire eight hour flight just lying completely flat across four seats, sleeping like a baby. Wow. That's the best.

Yeah, that rules. That's fucking amazing. Yeah. What a miracle. That has happened to me before many times, back in the day when airlines would undersell their international flights. But one time I was flying back from Frankfurt and there was an empty row in the middle and I could see it. And the plane was taking off and I was thinking, as soon as this

plane reaches cruising altitude, I am going to just jump to that row. But also, I mean, you probably have to know at that point, there's other people who are thinking the same thing. This is a real Mexican standoff. And I've never seen this before in any flight, but they immediately began a drink service from the back. Oh, boy. And immediately blocked that row with their cart. Fuck it.

Wow. And so I'm there in my seat, and I can't leap the cart. And they move the cart forward, and right as they're at my row, the guy from the row right behind me leaps and has the rest of the flight on his five-seat bed. Yeah. I was just thinking about, speaking of flying to Ireland, the last time I was just thinking about speaking of flying to Ireland. The last time I was in Ireland, I was in Belfast, which is where my stepmother's from. And my wife and I were hanging out with my Uncle John. Is she orange or is she Irish?

She's Irish. And she grew up off the Falls Church Road, which is where the core heart of the troubles are. So my uncle, who's a very mild-mannered computer programmer guy, I think he's like an office IT guy, he's taken us on this tour of horrible tragedies. Just all the only content is there's where your stepmother was attacked by a policeman. There's where your stepmother was attacked by a policeman. There's where we all starved on the street for four weeks when Mother McCree couldn't find a job and she lost her dole check. There's where the Orangemen beat up a teenager and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Like this horrible nightmare.

And Teresa has never experienced this. She's like stunned by the whole thing because she doesn't – she didn't live in a house with my stepmother for whom these are examples of jokes. And in the end of it, my Uncle John just goes, suppose you'll be wanting to see a castle then. We're like, yeah, we'd love to see a castle. Yes, thank you you know the thing about touring a castle is that a lot of atrocities happen there as well yeah that's true every like actually turned out jordan that this was a castle where he's like uh okay guys here's the story uh I can go into the parking lot of the castle, but I can't leave the castle. And we're like, why? He's like, it's not safe for me here.

We're like, Jesus Christ, you're a 60-year-old man who swaps hard drives for a living. And he's identifiable on the street as the wrong faction. I guess. Yeah. Well, I'm glad that... He's like, well, I have to be going somewhere else for lunch. I just can't let the government know that I'm a shark man. I've tied down me dorsal.

I have to hide my rolls of teeth. Good accents today. Yeah, you guys are good. Good accents today. I'm not even going to try and wade in there. Yeah. That's real good. Good accents today. I'm not even going to try and wade in there. Yeah. That's real. Belfast Sharkman.

The next thing he said to us, which was really wild, he was giving us a little tour, and he just said, uh-huh, yeah, I'm from Brooklyn. Right, because he was going to replace Liam Neeson in a movie. Yeah. Anyway, that was fun. Let's take another call. Hello, folks. I'm calling with what I believe is a momentous moment of shame. I was sitting on my couch

and decided to enjoy some pornography on my television. Television? Were you a caveman? I realized I had to pee, but I didn't want to go all the way upstairs and ruin the moment, the mood. I have to start all over. I looked to my right,

and there was a cup of tea, an empty cup of tea that I had just finished. Does he live on a tour bus? He didn't. A cup of tea, an empty cup of tea that I had just finished. Wow. So I... Does he live on a tour bus? Ate in the cup. Well, several minutes later, after I was finished enjoying the pornography, I was hated, but thirsty. And I looked to my right, and there was a lovely cup of tea.

Some short-term memory issues here. I drank my own urine accident. You need to adjust your medication. The bright side is that my pee doesn't really taste that bad. Alright, that's it. Bye. What an amazing... I feel so privileged to have been included in this communication

This guy seems like a real rogue one A real gin or so Well I'm just I'm picturing him going and pulling the on-off knob On his TV and waiting for it to flicker on Right Adjusting the rabbit ears Putting his little Betamax cassette in

Right I'm just imagining Pornography on TV? Linda Lovelace. Right. I mean, Jordan, in the same way that I can't imagine not being tired at 6 p.m. Sure. I can't imagine a life so free and luxurious that pornography is on television.

Yeah. What an amazing fucking life that must be. Whether or not you're drinking urine. To be there like, oh, man, I have to go to the bathroom, but it's all the way upstairs. Yeah. And if I just pee in this, like, cup, nobody's going to know or care. Like, can you imagine? Yeah.

Having that kind of liberty? Probably it's just decadent as things were, like, right before the fall of Rome. Yeah. We're jacking off to our TVs. We're drinking pee out of teacups. Although it does seem like a scene right out of Idiocracy. Sure. Yes.

That's true. I grew up in – my father lived in a split-level house. But the bottom had two rooms in it, but they were kind of basement rooms. And one of them was where was my bedroom. Right. And it was great for a local teen. Sure. It's a great, you can go down there, you can totally mack out.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of privacy. Teens love privacy. Watch reruns of Married with Children on your black and white television. Nice. Basically everything that you want. Good stuff.

From a child. You can step on slugs that come in from the garden. That was a little distressing more than anything else. And I definitely remember vividly the feeling of, I have to pee. It was a one-bedroom home. I have to pee, but I don't want to go upstairs. I know what that burden is, and I know what it's like to, instead of going upstairs to pee but I don't want to go upstairs I know what that burden is and I know what it's like

to instead of going upstairs to pee wander into the garage and pee into the garage drain but the drain doesn't drain that well and then the garage kind of smells like pee and your dad is like it's okay to tell me have you been peeing in the garage

listen I'm not mad I'm'm not mad. I'm not mad. Yeah, he fucking put that shit together. And I just said no. What are you going to say? Yes? Yeah, right.

Going to seem like some sort of drain pervert? Well, you're going to get one of those teenage lectures on hygiene. Yeah. Like, no, son. You have to use soap. You can't pee in the garage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you, son, you have to use soap and you can't pee in the garage. Yeah. Yeah.

You've got to hear it. And then you get a ball washing lesson from dad. Nobody wants that. Yeah. Nobody wants a ball washing lesson from dad. I used to live in a very cool rock and roll loft in downtown Seattle that was unfinished and full of just rock and roll layabouts. We'd find pianos on the street, you know, that kind of life. But we didn't have a bathroom.

There was a bathroom down the hall that was shared by a bunch of artists and other degenerates. And it was a big loft, so I had to walk all the way across the loft and then all the way down the hall. So we didn't like going to the bathroom either. But, you know, I'm a big man, so I can't pee in a teacup or whatever this guy's talking about. Sure. You need at least a pint glass. You've got to have to be an impressive stream. And you've got to tip the pint glass so there's a nice head on the urine.

Sure. So we would keep those big- A lot of fluids on this week's program. Yeah. Fluids and leather, right? It's a real juicy show. It's a real gusher. Hey, who wants to hear the pee tape, huh?

Sure. I listened to this played back half speed. Yeah. And dear noise. But we would pee in gallon milk jugs. Oh, okay. And when I say we, I mean primarily me. The other rock and roll loft dwellers were a little bit more genteel.

But then we, or then I, realized that rather than go down to the bathroom and empty these. Just huck them out the window and passing cars. The loft was right across an alley from the police station. Oh, boy. And so I just started going at the end of the hall and just hucking them as hard as I could against the wall of the police station. Wow. Which was my little gesture of rebellion at the time. Yeah.

And they would explode with a big, like, urine bomb. Did you ever get caught or in trouble? No, because it was an alley. It really had no effect on the police at all. All it did was make that alley uninhabitable for people that wanted to go down there and collect cans. Sure. So in the end, it was like most resistance. Right.

It just— More symbolic. It was more of a, yeah. And it just screwed it up for the poor, like almost everything that in the end doesn't work. The police just close their windows. On the plus side, you got rid of that pee. The pee is gone. I did, I think, appall one potential girlfriend.

Just the one, huh? Who was in there collecting cans. She looked under my bed and she was like, is that two gallons of pee? And I was like, well, I haven't gotten around to going down the hall. And she was like, boy, I don't know if I can make this work. That's very fair. Yeah. I mean, that's just being American.

The one that got away. Yeah. She said, you know, I went to a good school. I don't have to deal with this. I didn't go to Evergreen. Sure. Not another one of these Evergreen checks. I didn't sign up for this.

I went to Reed. Thank you very much. Okay. Not another one of these Evergreen checks. I went to read. Thank you very much. Okay, let's play one more call. Hey, guys. This is Alex in Northern California. I'm calling with a momentous occasion that I promised myself for the last two years I would do. I am calling because I finally got my titties cut off. What?

I have transgender and I have bilateral mastectomy. I am super high on pain medication. But I remembered that I wanted to call Jordan, Jesse, and Guest and tell them this, particularly while I was high. Gets it. Gets it. Gets it. Congratulations. Alex gets it. Yeah.

I mean, and I think, you know, call the show while you're high on pain meds, but also listen to the show. The show will be better. This will definitely be better. Yeah. Slow it down. Take some pills. Especially the slow stuff.

Yeah. Congratulations, Alex. Enjoy your slow stuff. Yeah. Congratulations, Alex. Enjoy your meds. That's wonderful that your fans call in with real life changing moments. Yeah. I mean, we've had, I mean, I think these have all been equally momentous. I mean, it's hard to say which of these is the most important. Oh, no.

I'm going to say that this call is more momentous. It's a matter of comparing apples to melons. Sure. Right. To teacups filled with urine. Yeah. I think, you know what we should do? We should make a sort of bingo card. All the parts added and removed during gender confirmation surgeries of various types,

I think we're almost there. I think we've almost got a full set. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder, well, I'm sure a fan will produce that bingo card within an hour of this show airing. That's true. But don't.

Yeah. But don't. But don't. Yeah, but don't. Please don't. Yes, now that I think of what it would look like in real life, it doesn't seem appropriate. I mean, I know it's not related to one's true gender, but, I mean, we had a tooth removal story. Yep, that's right.

You know, that kind of adds to our, you know, our body part situation that we have going on. Well, we had two teeth removal stories. And in Jesse's case, it wasn't a gender reassignment, but it was his final transition into adulthood. That's true. To an adult shark. He went from being a baby or a shark baby to being a fully grown shark. I should explain.

I still have a tiny withered twin at the back of my waist. Oh. Yeah. I don't know if that's like a kid thing or a grown up thing. Sort of like Star Wars. Is it a kid thing or a grown up thing? Sure.

Hmm. That's a good question. Well, I mean, I think- Can it be both? I think you can view the twin differently. Right. When you're a kid, it's just kind of a fun twin.

I don't have to go around saying the kid is really great like people do with Cool Runnings. The movie Cool Runnings? It's really great. I remember my mom bawled at the end of Cool Runnings to the point where I was embarrassed to be at the mall with her. She was crying so hard at the end of Cool Runnings. There was a hot take from a popular hot take website

and it said Cool Runnings is not good and it's not a cult classic. Okay. Which to my mind was maybe the least controversial thing you could ever say in a million

billion years. It's not really a hot take. Yeah. I was like, yes, it is an unacceptable family film from 20 years ago. Sure. It's not garbage. John Candy? Yeah, it's one of the last John Candy movies. Yeah, you know, it's not total garbage, but it's, you know, it's probably one of the better Dougie Doug movies.

Sure. But like, but yes. Up three anyway. And it's, I don't think, I don't think the term cult classic could be applied to Cool Runnings. Yeah. No. It doesn't share any qualities with Rocky Horror Picture Show.

It may literally be the most middle of the road entertainment ever produced. Yeah. I don't think that generates cults. But I thought, what a garbage fucking premise. What a garbage take. Someone had retweeted a link bait to it. I was like, this, what a pile of garbage. And I clicked on the original article from this outlet.

And this is a reputable hot take outlet known for producing some great gab fests. Sure. known for producing some great gab fests. And I was like, I clicked on it and I looked at the replies. Just a hundred people who, it was as though we had, it was as though the take there was like, Donald Trump should be deported. Sure. Like the level of intensity and vitriol in the rage of people saying that actually Cool Runnings was a truly great film

that was definitely a cult classic was incredible to me. Yeah. I had not heard that, but while listening to that, my only memory of the film is seeing it as a child, kind of enjoying it, but then being embarrassed that my mom was crying so hard at the mall. These are my feelings about Cool Runnings. But yeah, I mean I guess I'm like, oh, maybe it is in that camp of movies that are really cherished by people.

I was going to say by people like a little younger than me. Maybe it is a goofy movie or a hocus pocus or a space jam. Space jam. Of like, huh, people feel strongly about that. Yeah, people feel strongly about these two to two and a half star movies. Cool Runnings came out when I was in college and at the height of my pot smoking. Okay. And so we went to see Cool Runnings came out when I was in college and at the height of my pot smoking. Okay. And so we went to see Cool Runnings.

Pot the drug? We were doing pot. Wow. A lot. We were doing a lot of pot and other drugs that accompany pot. Because as you know, it's a gateway drug. And by that point, I had been through the gate. Right.

And I was over into drug land. I was over into the United States of Drugachusets. Sure. You had gotten high off the pot and you were just thinking to yourself, what else is out there, man? What other drugs can I get hooked on? Yeah.

And so we went to see the... How can I expand my mind? Let me try kefir. Sure. Let me blow some minds right now by going to this Jamaican bobsled movie. These dudes are from Jamaica. They know what's up.

Yeah, I feel – and that was back when High Times had that back page that had all the like jams, 100 jams or whatever on the back of High Times magazine. You guys – No jellies, only jams. You're just looking at me with total incomprehension. Yeah, preserves. This was – Full fruit preserves.

It was kind of like your call-in thing here. People would send in things to be on this list of 100 things that were really iry or cool. Oh, sure. And you would have all these things like there'd be shout outs to people and like, you know, big, big ups to like Harry Bear for helping us like get our bus back on the road. And, you know, like all this kind of stuff. I mean, if you got it, listen, if you're if your bus ain't road ready, you're going to want to call Harry Bear. Yeah, you're going to want a miracle.

I prefer a shaved bear. Shaved bear. Yeah, slick shaved bear. Sure. But so, I mean, I haven't seen cool ones since then, but we had a great time. Or a Thick Dick Gigolo. That's nice. Huh?

Sure. Thick Dick Gigolo. Thick Dick Gigolo. Oh, boy. It's just something we say to warm up on the show, to warm up our voices. What to do to die today. Dicked gigolo. Dicked gigolo.

You're a musician. You could probably use this to help you. Also gargle with salt water. Dicked gigolo. Dicked gigolo. Last night at the show, a lot of the musicians were sharing their tongue twisting, get ready for the show type of tongue twisters. But I wasn't listening to them because they're a little bit younger than me, and I don't

have anything to learn from young people. Yeah. Who needs them? They're just going to try and tell you about how a goofy movie is great. Yeah, they're going to give me their hot takes on cool runnings, and I don't need them. I don't need those. I'm not going to watch Hocus Pocus. When we recorded Judge John Hodgman at the San Francisco Sketch Fest, we were backstage at the Castro Theater in San Francisco.

It's a big theater. You guys did a big job there. Beautiful, historic theater. And we had a special music guest on the show, Meryl Garbus and Tune Yards. Yes. And about 40 minutes before the show, I was sitting there having some hummus, as one does. Cool. I'm not bragging.

It's my life, baby. Were you dipping some veggies in there, or were you just doing pita? Or just handfuls. Just scooping. Just licking it. Just my dirty fingernails getting up in there. Yeah, exactly.

And just like a fucking, like a true theatrical haunting, I just started hearing the legitimately most terrifying sounds. Like ululations and just torture sounds and just insane noises coming from a completely unplaceable place in this theater. noises coming from a completely unplaceable place in this theater and I finally figured out oh right I'm here with the world's greatest weird noisemaker and she's doing a warm up

she is spectacular she's the greatest and a super cool lady but yeah I mean if you're looking for somebody to make some crazy sounds and Bobby McFerrin is not around. Right. What she does to warm up is probably very different from what Craig Finn of the Hold Steady does to warm up.

Right. Which is just have a nice conversation. Like smoke four cigarettes. Right. Yeah. Have a micro brew, something hoppy. What I do to warm up right before a show is wake up. Okay.

Yeah. Because you've been napping. And then somebody rolls me onto the stage. They rolled you. I love the image of you being rolled on stage. I like the idea that maybe instead of like screaming Jay Hawkins arriving on stage in his casket, they roll you on stage in the bed from your house. Yeah, or the couch with the little rollers.

You need your daughter to come in and jump on your head. Get up! Yeah, you have to play a show. Everyone's going, Kung Fu! Kung Fu! Kung Fu! Wake up, this bell house audience needs to be entertained. If you have something that you'd like to share with us, something momentous that's happened to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to you. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott. And we're the hosts of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. We are a Simpsons podcast brand new to the Maximum Fun Network. And every episode we cover a different episode of The Simpsons that is a favorite of our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright. All people that have worked on The Simpsons. And we've also had guests like Weird Al and people that are on the MaxFun Network already.

And each week we will talk to a very cool guest about their favorite episode, and it is so much fun. So if you like The Simpsons, come listen to Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. All right. Smell you later. Either way, we're now on the MaxFun Network. And I would like it if you checked it out. It's a lot less professional than what you're hearing right now.

Speaking of not as professional, I just... It's a minute. No, I just hit record 20 seconds ago. So we got the end of that. So just give us the head again. All right. Hey, my name is Jonah Ray. No, it doesn't matter, Neil. My name is Jonah Ray.

I have a podcast called Jonah Radio with my friends Cash and Neil. Oh, you gave your credits at the top. No, it wasn't recorded. That's exactly what he just said. Now you've got to do your credits. Where do people know you from? Forget it. Listen to Jonah Radio on maxfund.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Fuck. Man. Nickname game changed. This is next level. Yeah.

Just saying you're another guy. No, I am John Roderick, America's other radio sweetheart. John Roderick, you're the host of Friendly Fire here on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network. Friendly Fire. I don't know if it is still the newest product. I don't think it's the brand new. It's close. It's very new on your radio network.

I've been a friend of Maximum Fun for many, many years, but I've never had a product. I've guessed it as Bailiff on the Hodgman Show. Right. When you're, you know, jet-setting around. Right. But now I have a show, Friendly Fire, with Adam and Ben from Greatest Generation. Yeah, and you actually knew Adam before, I think, maybe even before you knew me. I introduced Adam and Ben.

There you go. Adam was making a documentary film about the long winters for a long time, and Ben I met in New York when he was working for Engadget, and he kept trying to pitch TV shows to me. We had a show in mind where I was going to drive across America in like a primer-painted Corvette T-top, and he and a team were going to be in like a Winnebago chasing me as we went to all the most depressed former industrial towns of America.

Oh, wow. And I would walk around interviewing people trying to figure out like, what's next in Poughkeepsie, New York? Like, what are you guys going to do? What's the story here? You can't just let your town be like a garbage pile. And that was actually the original genesis of the Bernie Sanders campaign. That's right.

We were out there trying to galvanize people to get free education. And, you know, well, we got real close. Yeah. Anyway, so I put those two together so that they would— And is that pitch still available if any network people are listening? Listen, I'm willing to do it. Like, I've got a Corvette T-top painted primer. Like, I know where I can get it for cheap.

Oh, boy. Actually, if network people are listening right now, which I think seems like a safe bet, I actually have a question for network people. Can we have a television show? Sure. Yeah. That's it. Just that. You guys are both very photogenic.

It doesn't matter. We'll do whatever. Yeah. You know, we got Baby Tooth over here and we got the, you know, the like increasingly fit. Sure. My body is really changing. I mean, if you've like, if there's been a time, you know, where you've, I mean, I'm talking to the network folks out there. Yeah.

The suits. Yeah. Because I know people love to listen to this while they dine at Spago. If you see somebody at Spago with an earbud in, they're listening to this show. Eating some steak tartare. Yeah. If you guys are at, I mean, if you- Or they're the bodyguard of the president of India.

But to be fair, they are usually also listening to this show. That's true. That's true. Not protecting the president of India, which I think is a mistake. Yeah. He's a great man. Yeah. Or a woman.

Yeah. I don't know. Unless you ask the president of Pakistan. Sure. No, they're going to have some problems. I won't. Yeah. If you're listening

and you're a network suit and, you know, you... Which one do you think Wolfgang Puck glad hands with first? It's hard to say. Yeah. I bet he sends over a tort to both tables.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's a good point. If you're listening and at some point you're like, oh, these guys, these guys have a real, you know, some kind of talent. Yeah. And then they're listening, and at some point you're like, oh, these guys have a real, you know, some kind of talent. Yeah.

And then they're like, well, I'm going to Google them, check them out. And they're like, oh, the one guy is nice and tall. The other guy, a little doughy. Well, get your new head shots up there. Yeah. My body is changing. Yeah. According. Get your 6 a.m. is changing, according to a woman

who might live in a van. You're looking more and more like a jaguar. My body is really changing. A sinewy jaguar. Leaping on its brain. Alexa, play Huey Lewis in the news.

Sports. Sports. I like how you guys stole my pitch. You didn't actually steal my pitch. We had the attention of network executives. Oh, and we hijacked. Give me this Corvette show. And then you're like, oh, no.

And yours is kind of more fleshed out than ours. I got as far as Poughkeepsie. But anyway, back to my new Max Funn podcast. Yes, of course. Which I, you know, I want to promote and not get derailed in promoting. We're sorry. No, no, it's all right. I want to make this show a success because it's going to be the thing that keeps the

lights on here at Max Funn HQ. But we're, you know, it's a podcast about watching old war films, which when we initially started doing the show, it seemed like maybe the last thing that Max Funn would want on the network, right? Yeah. It's three white guys talking about war movies, which generally do not have a lot of female characters. Right. I mean, it sounds basically like a subplot from King of the Hill. Yeah.

It is a super duper duper dad sounding premise. But when we got into watching the films and watching them with a critical eye and trying to figure out like how these films not just work as films but also like they were made in a context. A war movie made in 1954 is made in its contemporary context and speaks about what people thought masculinity was in the 50s. And what the people in the 50s thought masculinity from the 40s looked like. Which had even changed quite a bit in that 10 years. from the 40s looked like, which had even changed quite a bit in that 10 years. Or what they thought about 1917 or 18, 15. And I think, to be fair, you and Adam also wanted to list the ordinances available on various aircrafts.

There's a lot of that. Because I love that stuff. I'm not somebody that's like, those shoelaces were wrong. But I do like to talk about what's happening in the actual war. Like, oh, this was a pivotal moment because after this, you know, the Soviets couldn't advance or whatever. And that is dad stuff. But I try and make it interesting. Those guys try to punctuate it with a lot of fart jokes because that is a big success on their Star Trek podcast.

But I try and shut that down. Lowest common denominator. Because I'm top dad. Sure, you're top dad. I'm like, all right, that's enough, boys. And then they talk about focal lengths and lighting and all this film stuff that, like, who knows? I mean, it's interesting, I guess.

Sure. Edit. So it's really... M guess. Sure. Yeah. Edit. So it's really... Mise en scene. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, that was an interesting tracking shot. And I'm like, I don't... Was it?

Midwipe. You're watching Star Wars. I recognize when the sun is out and stuff. Yeah. Like, oh, that was a sun shining scene. That happened in daytime. Yeah, that was a cloudy day scene. So they have a lot of insight there.

And then, of course, they have a tremendous rapport with one another and with me. We've all been friends for a long time. And, of course, Ben is quite a bit younger than I am and Adam's somewhere in the middle. So we also have cultural contexts that are very different. Ben brings a kind of millennial or millennium- Sure. Like, take. Ben will deliver some Berkeley shit if you need that.

He'll throw Berkeley at me. Want some Oakland? Yeah. Yeah, he'll bring it. And then, you know, I'm like Mr. Dank Memes. Sure, right. And- I know about you and memetics.

Yeah. And, you know, an Adam, right, like classic semiotics major. Mm-hmm. No, not really. A real Ira Glass. Yeah. No, I think he's probably, I like everybody on this network. But it's been super fun to do.

I didn't realize how great it would be to watch these old films and parse them and dig them. I don't think you have to watch the movies to enjoy the show. Top success, top failure relative to your expectations. You know, a lot of the films that you expect to be good are good and in some cases better even than you remember. Like watching Apocalypse Now with a critical eye, there are major flaws in that movie, but it is one of the pinnacles of cinema even if you know all the terrible stories even if you want marlon brando to be in a different movie or if you want a different marlon brando in that movie

uh master and commander flawless film really truly like great in every respect. Rambo is like an abomination. Truly indefensible at every turn. And it created not just like war movie tropes that plague us to this day, but it also like had a profound effect on America at the time and changed American political culture in the 80s in a super bummer way. I mean, we spent hundreds of millions of dollars pursuing the idea that there were POWs in the dozens being held still in And we spent millions chasing down this idea, which there was no evidence for.

Yeah, just don't watch an action movie made before the year 2000. I think it's a good policy. An action movie, I guess. Yeah. Not a war movie because they're a great, great war movie. Oh, sure. Yeah. But any movie where the protagonist is shirtless for more than 80% of the film.

Beverly Hills Cop is pretty fun. No, Beverly Hills Cop is good. Yeah. It's a good action movie. Beverly Hills Cop 2, where do you guys stand? Is Beverly Hills Cop 2 the one with the extended Gilbert Gottfried scenes? Like where it was going to be Gilbert Gottfried's rocket ship to film stardom? I feel like that might be three.

Okay. Gilbert Gottfried's rocket ship to film stardom. I feel like that might be three. Beverly Hills Cop 2 is, you know, it's a pretty serious plot involving drug smuggling and... Well, definitely, if you watch any of these movies that you think of as being a comedy, you realize real quick that, no, they're a boring action movie from the 70s that they've inserted five jokes and one comic lead into. Well, in war movies of the 50s and 60s, we discovered that there is a trope where at some point, even in a serious film, Don Rickles will appear as kind of like a chief petty officer.

Sure. And just by having him on the screen, you'll feel like, oh, right, this is a little lighthearted moment where somebody gets a bug in his slop or whatever. Remember that part in Dirty Work where they just have Don Rickles yell at everyone for like 10 minutes? A great part of Dirty Work. Oh, man.

Anyway, Friendly Fire is going to be covering Dirty Work next week on the program. Well, we're covering the Rolling Stones album, Dirty Work. Right. Yeah. Well, it had a lot of post-Gulf War stuff in it. I think a lot of our post-Gulf War anxieties come out in that scene where a skunk fucks a dog. Yikes. We cover war movies across the whole spectrum, right?

All the way from foreign films and films in languages other than English. You've done most of your episodes are about battleship Potemkin. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I like to think of myself as a Potemkin. Sure. But, you know, we did The Three Kings. Oh, great.

About the original Gulf War. And that was a film we were split on. Really? I loved Three Kings at the time. And a lot of, and my co-hosts still do, but I feel like it does not hold up it has a kind of early 90s like hip filmmaking thing a lot of jump cuts and a lot of like pata pata pata and i just felt like it it um cheapened the fact that people were dying cheapened the career of ice cube and marky mark yeah right after that they weren't taken seriously as actors yeah well you know know, you got to do what you got to do.

Both of them are doing a lot of good work lately. You know what? Those are two movie stars. I don't mind watching them in anything they're in. I don't want to watch. I think that might be because I don't watch them in any of the bad things they're in. But I love them. You know, if Mark Wahlberg was on one of those planes in 9-11, it wouldn't have happened. That's a good point. I've heard that. I've heard that from him. You know what? Mark Wahlberg was on one of those planes in 9-11, it wouldn't have happened. That's a good point.

I've heard that. I've heard that from him. You know what? I believe it from Mark Wahlberg. I feel like he has just enough of a complete – like he appears to be completely insane in a very particular focused way that leads him to exercise, lead his entourage. And I think that he would have done something about it. And he's very fit. He would have marked right up to the front.

He would have knocked on that door and said, not happening. Not on my watch. Yeah. He would have said it kind of slow. Yeah. And quizzically. No matter how assertive he is, it seems quizzical. Yes.

He'll be a little confused. Greatest charm. And then he would have taken over that plane, found the other planes, and leapt between them, rescuing each subsequent plane. Yes, sure. You know who's in Three Kings? Alia Shachat. Tell me more about Alia Shachat. She is the star of Search Party and the former star of Arrested Development, or I guess maybe current star of Arrested Development.

That doesn't seem to be certainly done. And she plays an Iraqi child in it. Oh, she's a child actor at that point. Yeah, she's like 13 or something. Yeah, there you go. Fun fact about Three Kings. What a fun fact-filled episode. Should we drop some other fun facts about movies that I enjoyed when I was 17?

You guys want to talk sexy beast. Sure, let's just go to the IMDB goof page. Want to talk about the limey. You're going to turn this opportunity yes. Yeah, okay. Well, our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, he's on the boards this week. He's here. He looks great.

He's got three shirts on, looking very good. I really like this multiple shirt look for him. Is the dress code here, like, come correct? Is that the only dress code at MaxFun? Or can people just come dressed like Jordan? I think people come dressed almost exclusively like Jordan. In fact, I would say that Jordan comes in here and really knocks the competition on its butt most days.

He's wearing a jort today. I'm wearing a jort. This is a jort day. He left the house in a hurry. Listen, we're recording the podcast. It's a little different. I had to rush over here. I forgot.

It's been a busy week, and I'm wearing a jort, and I don't need shit for it, and it's hot out. I would say Brian and Jordan, when they're here, do Jordan and Jesse go. That's when we're at our peak, because they both always bring the heat. Brian and Jordan are always bringing the heat. Bikram? No, sir. No.

No, sir. Brian's got three shirts on. Jordan barely has one shirt on. Bikram explained to me- I might even take this one off, actually. Bikram explained to me the other day his theory of buying one pair of shoes every two years and then switching them out.

And I'm like, well, that's why your shoes are so fucked up. Bikram's great though. We had a lovely conversation about our shoes when I walked in the door because that's the kind of people we are. Hey, nice shoes. Oh, thanks. Nice shoes to you. Tell us more about your shoes. So civil.

Let me just say about my shoes. Maximumfun. Nice shoes to you. Tell us about your shoes. So civil. So civil. Let me just say about my shoes. Maximumfun.reddit.com on Reddit. JJ, go at Maximumfun.org. 206-984-4FUN is that telephone number. We're also on Facebook in the Maximum Fun group. And you can catch Roderick on Friendly Fire and us

next time on Jordan Jesse Go. And you can catch Roderick on Friendly Fire and us next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.