Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 523: Horny Conjuring with Mat Ricardo

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

Jordan and Jesse as they set aside their usual topic to have a nice chat with cabaret performer Mat Ricardo.  They get into the fog of horniness permeating The Magic Castle at Mat's performance the night before, the fact that Jordan can present as any type of nerd, and the time a woman used a bodily function to critique Mat's street performance.  Plus, they take calls from people who have gotten foreign objects stuck in their bodies!  

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Want to get rich in real estate? We're here for you. Cha-ching, cha-ching, bada-bing. Yeah, that's our famous catchphrase on Jordan Jesse Go, the world's most popular real estate podcast. Today on the show, we're going to talk house flipping with Vanilla Ice, who apparently does that or did that at one point. I've just been handed a note, Jordan.

Oh, okay. Now, the format of our show has been central to its success. Of course. It's something that people actually want to learn about. It can have a direct impact on their lives. Helpful, useful. It's not just a bunch of miscellaneous bullshit. No, that would be a waste of everyone's time. However, I've been handed a note that says Vanilla Ice is not going to be coming here today. Apparently, he's going to be performing Ice Ice Baby at a plumbing convention in Las Vegas. They've offered him $15,000.

We had only planned to pay him $11,000. Yeah. So. To perform ninja rap on this show. Well, he's got a whole rate sheet that goes all the way down to, for 500 bucks, he'll do the crisscross song, I Missed the Bus.

But here's my thinking. I mean, for my money, that's the definitive version of I Missed the Bus. It is. I mean, it's one, that's the definitive version of I Missed the Bus. It is. I mean, it's one of those situations where a cover really transforms. Yeah. It says nothing compares to you, I think. Like, it's like, it is that the context is so dramatically transformed, I think.

I think it is that, you know, in a lot of times. Jesse, do you think we should probably save this for under the covers of our show about transformative cover songs? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, next week... We just have so many shows with content, you know. I don't want to, like, get it mixed up. Right.

But here's my thing. Okay. My friend Matt is visiting from England. And he is not in the real estate business. Right. He's a cabaret performer. And so what I'm thinking is maybe this week we'll break format. We'll just chat with Matt and see how it goes. And this will be like a week off from getting rich for our audience.

And then they'll get right back on the money train next week. I mean, if they're regular listeners, they're already rich. Right. That's true. I mean, if they're thinking, they're probably growing rich. Of course.

Who moved my cheese? Right? In conclusion. Property brothers. I don't know. You got it. You know exactly what we're talking about. Let's introduce our guest on this week. Flip fences talking about. Let's introduce our guest on this week.

Flip fences? Anyway. Let's introduce our guest on this. What if key to flipping a house was turning the fence upside down? Right. Why are the posts sticking up in the air? Okay. Our guest on this week's program is a talented variety performer.

I don't know. What do you call it? What do you want to call it, Jordan? I'm not willing to ask him. I'm going to say it's a talented amazo. Yeah, he's an amazo. He amazes you. He performs amazing feats.

Not only feats, but also you're amazed at how humorous and charming he is, too. Yeah. And you're like, I'm laughing. I'm amazed. Look at this amazo. Can I tell you what I love about his act? Yeah. And you're like, I'm laughing. I'm amazed. Look at this amazo. Can I tell you what I love about his act? Yeah. We went and saw his act at the magic village. What's it called?

The magic castle. It's a part, it looms over the magic village. The magic village is a serfdom. Yeah, I had actually visited the magic drugstore, which went great. Oh, nice. But yeah, I like what I like about Matt's Act. And I'll tell you his surname in a moment.

What I like about Matt's Act is that it's... People are like, is this Matt Pinfield from 120 Minutes? What's he doing? What I like about Matt's Act is it's all the fun of magic without feeling like the premise of it is that I'm being tricked. That's what I love about this guy's act. We'll talk about what he did. We'll talk about what he can do, what he's capable of, the kind of evil and darkness at the core of his soul,

or the hole where his soul should be. Matt Ricardo. Hello. Hi, Matt. So let me get this absolutely clear. I've come all the way from England, and I'm not going to learn about how to get rich and property flipping. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I mean, you can listen to our back catalog.

Anybody can. But, yeah, I mean, as far as learning about it in person, yeah, I think you're SOL. I was under the impression this was some sort of seminar. Yeah. I have a question. Yeah. Does England have private property? I was under the impression that England was some sort of collectivist state.

Like three people in England have all the private property. Got it. Yeah. The queen. The queen. A horse. A horse. That belongs to the queen.

And, of course, Robbie Williams. Oh, not anymore. Not anymore. No. Are you guys not so hot on Robbie Williams these days? You're obviously not up on your current British, you know. No, Robbie Williams has been failing really well for the last five, ten years. Oh, Robbie.

Yeah, I know. He lives here in Los Angeles, does he not? Oh, I don't know. That's a good question. I think Robbie Williams lives in Los Angeles because it is- I have not seen him at Cafe Gratitude or any of Danny Trejo's restaurants. Got it. So he might not live here.

I think he, like, moved to Los Angeles because no one has ever heard of him here. So he can live a celebrity's lifestyle without being bothered. He seems like the kind of person that very much likes not being famous. You know, somewhere where he can just blend in. I watched him on a Stephen Fry special about being bipolar that he apparently then afterwards had like stricken from television history and it's never aired again because he changed his mind about it, about talking publicly about being bipolar. There was a documentary where he spent an hour on television looking for UFOs and aliens. Oh, really? Was there?

He went to like UFO conventions in Roswell and stuff. Like literally Americans at home are like, right now they're like, who is Robbie Williams? Robbie Williams was like the Justin Timberlake of the UK maybe five or ten years before Justin Timberlake was Justin Timberlake, right? Like a boy band star who became a big solo pop star. Yeah, he was in a boy band called Take That. That's a very good boy band name. Isn't it?

And he was like the bad boy of the boy band. And he went solo. And he had a year of hanging out with Oasis and going to Glastonbury and being obviously using narcotics. And then he cleaned up and released a solo album with awful schmaltzy pop on and became incredibly rich. Do you think Robbie Williams should team up with the other 90s UFO enthusiast, the other guy from Blink-182? Oh, really? I didn't even know about that.

Yeah, so there's Blink-182 who has the guy and the other guy. Right. But the other guy quit the band to focus on finding UFOs. Is the other guy. Right. And then, but the other guy quit the band to focus on finding UFOs. Is the other guy, I didn't, okay, so I don't know very much about

Blink-182. I, my, my pop punk awareness ends at Green Day, I would say. But, there was, were the two,

both guys singers? Yes, there's one guy who sings normal and one guy who sings bad. So, is the bad singing guy, is the normal singing guy the guy who sings like a normal pop punk guy?

Like a baby who's been abandoned in front of a microphone? That's the bad singer. Oh, okay. Yes. You're right. Who would say, where are you? Where are you? Yeah.

Where are you? A-W-O-R-E. Oh. Why? are you? Where are you? Where are you? A-W-O-R-E. Oh, why? So he has, I think, realized that he was in fact a singing baby and is devoting more time to finding UFOs. Which he can do at a grown-up level. Right, exactly.

But he still needs to take a break every once in a while and have his num-nums. Should we talk about what Matt Ricardo does in his act? Yes, we absolutely should. So we went to the Magic Castle, which I have never been to. It's a private club here in Los Angeles, although the private rules are very loose based on the crowd that was there. Sure. But this is something you do every year, right?

Or at least try to do once a year? I did it last year and they had me back for this year. So the show that we saw was in a show room that seats 75 or something the palace of mystery yeah i mean everything is just so magic it's really amazing i think you have to you you have to before you enter the club you have to say open sesame to an owl this is true yeah it's a it's an entire world created by men in polyester suits in 1969. Like it is a truly – it is both amazing and sad and of 1969 and timeless in all categories. And the joint was jumping.

Oh, yeah. I mean this was a weekday evening, early week, weekday evening, and the joint was jumping. Oh, yeah. I mean, this was a weekday evening, early week, weekday evening, and the joint was jumping. But the show was a sweet young man who performed magic magic. He did a little bit of comedy in the middle, weirdly. But, yeah, like did like made birds appear. Yeah, doves, bunnies, et cetera. Mostly dove and bunny work. And it was, you know, it's, etc. But mostly dove and bunny work, and it was,

you know, it's remarkable to see that work, you know? Like, I don't know where those fucking doves came from. No way. Maybe his butt? It's his butt. Oh, thank you, Matt. Wow. Secrets revealed. We're going to get our own Fox special. Butt secrets

of magicians revealed. I thought we were going to box our own Fox special. Oh, man. But secrets of magicians revealed. I thought we were going to box celebrities. Well, that's part of it. Oh, okay. It's going to be hosted by the late Manute Bull one way or another. So there was that. There was a guy who was about 60, 65 years old who did like Buddy Hackett type comedy and magic. I'm not going to say the guy's name and I wouldn't ask Matt to make a comment about a colleague. But what impressed me about him and his act was his jokes were so abysmal and not even like ironic level abysmal, but just terrible, hoary old jokes.

And he was so winning. Like I was so charmed at his stage persona as just like the most professional hack comedian ever that I was. I enjoyed his act. I give his act. Sure. I give his act at least six and a half out of ten. It was just on sheer chutzpah. I had such a wonderful evening at your show in The Phantom Zone.

What was it called again? No, let's call it The Phantom Zone. That's me. Right. The Land of Nightmares. It was me, General Zod. It's a good bill. Yeah. Yeah.

Great patter with Zod. Yeah. and in the middle man kneel before me yeah that's get gets me every time i like i know he's gonna tell me to kneel before him but it's a strong catchphrase it is it's a very strong catch in the middle matt did his act and matt's act is predicated on feats of dexterity particularly built around taking a tablecloth out from underneath a bunch of things on a table. Then, as his grand finale, spoiler alert, replacing the tablecloth on the table, which is a remarkable thing. God damn amazing. Thank you very much. It is, you know, Matt's been eaten off at for 10 years.

30. 30. Yeah. But literally and figuratively because it falls on the table. Eating on it and off it. 30. 30. But literally and figuratively because it falls to the table. Eating on it and off it. Yeah, first person in the world to ever learn to do it, which is either fantastic or a complete waste of my life.

I mean, both, right? It seems clear to me that it's both. You also have, there's also some sword and knife work in your act, which is also very amazing. How does – when one is traveling from England to L.A. or wherever to travel, how does one get one's magic knives on the plane? What I have discovered is – and this is depressing but true.

I am a middle-aged, well-spoken white man in a suit. So I literally have – they ask no questions. Not one question except when I was getting the Eurostar, the train that goes from London to Paris. I took that during the London Podcast Festival. I took it from Paris to London. It's a delightful journey, isn't it? Wonderful journey. Yeah.

I had a little cheese sandwich with pickles in it. Oh, pickles. It was nice. Now I want pickles. Yeah. I had a little cheese sandwich with pickles in it. Oh, pickles. It was nice. No, I want pickles. Yeah, pickles are good. But that's the only place where they've searched my suitcase. They've taken out the big knives, which are obviously fake knives. They're not.

They're blunt. They're just stupid theatrical props. And they haven't let me take them on the train. And they got very grumpy about it. They got very grumpy about it. And the solution that they found was to go to a convenience store, get a plastic bag, wrap the bag around the knives, and then say, okay, now they're safe. Now you can take them. It's like we just want to look like we're doing our job. Yeah, exactly.

We want to keep them from leaking. Yeah, exactly. And hopefully there's a little square on it where you can write the date you put the knives in there so you know whether to throw them out or not. You know they could. There's a lot of pressure changes in the channel. Sure. Yes. You don't know whether –

Also, when we were chatting afterwards, you told a funny story about there's a bit in your act where it looks like you've sliced your arm. It looks like you've sliced into your arm. You've embedded a knife in your forearm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, again, spoiler alert, it's revealed to be a trick. Yes. But there was – you did –

Like he pulls the knife away and shows the half crescent of the trick knife. After everyone is done screaming. Yeah. After the screams die down. Yeah. A few people threw up. Yeah. It was quite a scene.

the screams die down. Yeah, a few people threw up. Yeah. It was quite a scene. But you were telling me that there was a show you did where they did not let you reveal that it was a trick? Yeah, well,

I've worked over Christmas at the Magic Circle, which is the British equivalent of the Magic Castle. It's the secret society of magicians. It's maybe like a little more of a real museum-y thing. But also maybe a little more down market than the Magic Castle.

It is. It's more of a kind of budget airport hotel look rather than the kind of – A little bit of a Knott's Berry Farm to Disneyland. Sure, sure. Yeah. And they're really – for them, secrecy is the most important thing. Right. Above entertainment value.

Right. Listen, people aren't here to be entertained. But it's true. Yeah, yeah. The Magic Castle is all about, you know, can you entertain an audience? The Magic Circle is about the kind of, the sort of cerebral art form level of magic.

So yeah, so I did some gigs for them and they had a polite word saying, if you reveal that knife gag, then you will be fired immediately and you will be kicked out of Magic Circle. You perform in all kinds of different contexts. I mean, I think we met you at the Edinburgh Festival where there's every kind of performer. But, you know, you'll perform in between music acts. You'll perform in between burlesque acts.

You'll perform like wherever it is. Yeah. But when you perform in a magic-specific context, is it difficult for the magicians to accept that part of what you're doing is not tricking anyone? Yeah. The difference between me and a magician is that I use dexterity not to try and fool somebody but just to try and impress them you know yeah so yeah it splits magicians down the middle some of them think you know I'm using dexterity not literally though because that would be the kind of trick they would love yes yeah no some of them think I'm using using this skill for the wrong reason yeah where are your

secrets um but um it is I magic, it's a weird world. It's generational. No, are you telling me that magicians are weird? They're not. I mean, it's just the kind of thing that you pick up when you're at school dances, out with your friends at nightclubs. It's the kind of skill that you really develop in social situations. I would think that all, no magicians would be weirdos. No, they were very socially adept. nightclubs. It's the kind of skill that you really develop in social situations. I would think that all, no magicians would be weirdos.

No, they were very socially adept. Right. Yeah. Confident. Beautiful ponytails. Yeah. Gorgeous ponytails. By far, Matt, I enjoyed your act a ton.

And I enjoyed the whole show. I even enjoyed the magician who was trying to trick me doing magic because he just seemed like such a sweet guy. Does it make you angry that they try and trick you? I just don't like that I'm paying for it. And that, like, I don't like their attitude about it. That they know things you don't know. Yeah. But not just that they know things you don't know. Yeah, but not just that they know things I don't know. Sure, there's plenty of people who have

powers that I don't have, skills that I don't have that I interact with gladly. It's just that they're kind of smug dicks about it. Yeah, that's a fair comment. You know what I mean? Their whole deal is like, I'm going to figure out some shit that no one else can do so I can really rub their nose

in it. So anyway, I really enjoyed the show, but the highlight of the evening by far for me, and again, I don't mean to slight your performance, which was really a joy, but was when we were at the bar and an enormous man with a giant ponytail, like a three-quarters of the way down his back, blonde ponytail. And the man was roughly square in shape. He was sitting at the bar. A boxman.

Yeah, exactly. A real boxman. And he had, I presume, his girlfriend there with him. And everybody dresses up at the Magic Castle. A coat and tie is required for men so you know she's wearing a a gown um and he's wearing a coat and tie and i'm i can see behind them so it's just his beautiful ponytail streaming like a mighty river down the back of his suit coat and he just puts his arm around her and then goes down down down down down down down up right onto her butt

like he was shopping for melons at the grocery store and just fucking left it there. Just left it there like that was a thing to do in public. That was my highlight of the evening, but your show was second, Matt. I think magic is the great aphrodisiac. I think we can all agree on that. I were to describe

and I've been to the Magic Castle a few times. This was by far my favorite. It was a goddamn delight. And every time I've been there I would describe the atmosphere as horny. There's a cloud. There's like a musk, a mist.

Kind of a fog., a mist, kind of a fog, just a horny fog that kind of drifts over all of the proceedings. And I don't know what that is. I mean, maybe it's just because it is kind of a wonderland. It kind of feels like you're in a

story or you're in a, you know, it's secret. It's away from the rest of the world where you can truly be as hor as, as horny as you want to be. But it's, it's there. I don't know. Is that something you've noticed? Are you sure it's not something you bring with you when you go?

That could be. I also do sometimes feel like that at the CVS. Jordan, are you also sure that horny as you want to be isn't Vanilla Ice's third biggest hit? To be. Right. It was for Ninja Turtles 3, the one where they go to feudal Japan. Yeah.

And then he teaches them the hit song, horny as you want to be. Yeah. Number two, letter B. Oh, and actually, that's funny. I told you guys about this that happened to me on the way to the show. I think it's worth repeating on the podcast. Good, because I don't remember what it was. Yeah. So I took a lift

to the show, because I was going to get my drink on. Yeah, sure. You got no. You got no. Congratulations, by the way, on being the least drunk person in the entire... I know. The amount of drunkenness for an 8 o'clock show, the first of three shows

that you had that night, I believe. The amount of drunkenness for an 8 o'clock show, the first of three shows that you had that night, I believe. The amount of drunkenness was astonishing. It was like being in a nightclub at 2 a.m. The amount of drunk that these people were at 9.15 on a Tuesday night. Yeah, just a huge group of, as far as we could tell, country club employees from Orange County. Club managers, yeah. Oh, my God. It was astonishing how drunk these people were.

It's so much easier to baffle and fool people if they're fucking hammered. Yeah. You know? Just jangle keys in front of them. That literally would have done it. That would have done it. There was people. I mean, I've been to so many comedy shows in my life.

And there's often a table of drunk people. You know, it's either a belligerent dude or a group of women that came together that are very, very hammered and socializing with each other. But the extent of the four people were sitting behind us and engaged us in conversation. And the amount of drunk those people were, like it was as though they had gotten drunk, then done like gotten drunk at seven, then done some blow to get pumped for that. It was incredible.

And they were so employees of management level employees of a country club in Orange County as well. It was breathtaking, truly breathtaking. Yeah. I got a round of applause by telling them you can put peanut butter on an Oreo and it's pretty good. Yeah. So you were taking a lift to the Magic Castle. And, you know, and so I get into the lift and the driver is kind of looking at the route and she's like, oh, Magic Castle.

And then she kind of looks back at me in the rear view and she's like, so are you doing a show? I guess I present as potential magician. I think it was the cape. Yeah. You know, in hindsight, in hindsight, it might have been my cape. I'm not saying it wasn't stylish.

You can count it. Jordan was just trying to put on the Ritz, you know. That's his signature. Just trying to put on the Ritz, yeah. I mean, here's the thing, Jordan. I was blue and I didn't know it wasn't stylish. You can count it. Jordan was just trying to put on the Ritz. You know, that's his signature. Just trying to put on the Ritz. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing, Jordan. I was blue and I didn't know where to go to.

You have to understand that there's multiple components of identity. So while you present as a magician, you may not identify as a magician. Yeah. And that's a different thing. You can be a magician but not do magic. Yeah. You can not be a magician but do magic. Exactly exactly a lot of people don't know that yeah and i think something that i kind of realized i've been thinking about this and and i think something that i that i think i've confirmed about myself is

i think i'm a little bit of a of a nerd cipher i think i'm as as general a like, you know, pudgy white as you can possibly be. And I think if you looked at me, you know, you could put any number of nerd things upon me and it would track kind of. I think you also, if I can add to this description, I think part of what's going on is you have a look and a manner where a nerd looks at you and says, that guy's my friend. That's a friendly guy who I can come up to and nerd out about. And what's interesting is, I wouldn't call you not a nerd, but even maybe your most passionate nerd-related interests, like reading comics or playing video games, you're not so up on it. Sure.

It's not the center of your – you're too much of a responsible adult man with a non-nerd career to really have that be a central thing in your life. I don't have a lot of vinyl figurines. Yeah, exactly. I do have a Spider-Man bobblehead. That's about as bad as it gets. Yeah, I mean, when I came in here today, I was wearing quite an obscure comic book pin, and you immediately recognized it.

Yeah, yeah. It's a really cool pin, by the way. Thank you very much. I will ask you off mic where you got it and get one for myself. I recognize that, too. So I think you may be overstating the yeah um it uh yes but i think i think that is the same reason this woman asked me if i was

a magician is the same reason people ask me to help with their computer or if i know something about star trek uh-huh and i and i am i do not know anything about either yeah so anyway um so yeah i just um i yeah i feel like i I feel like I am every nerd in a way. I'm every nerd and no nerd. Can I reframe this for you, Jordan? Please. Is it possible that people see you and they just think, that guy's got powers? It could be, yeah.

And it could have been the horny cloud that follows me everywhere I go. And she's like, and I learned this on the ride over is that the driver had been to the Magic Hassle before and really had a good time. And was still horny. And yeah, or so, you know, maybe when I got in the car, she's like, oh, this musk that this guy's carrying with him. I know this. I know this sweet smell. She said to herself. She probably carries a nose gay of horny wherever she goes.

Sure. The familiar stench of horny conjuring. Have you thought about maybe describing that? I think that's my next one-man show. Horny conjuring? Avocado's horny, the stench of horny conjuring. Have you made any magic friends while you're working at the Magic Castle? Colleagues?

Let's say colleagues. Let's say colleagues. Yeah, no, because everyone's friendly. Everyone's very friendly. It's like being in a model railroading club it's like on the one hand i don't have the attention to detail to be in a model railroading club you know like at the end of the day i would just space out rather than be helpful but i look at that model railroad and then i think like man it'd be cool to have made that and then i'm like I bet these guys would be really excited to have a new friend. And I would be happy to be friends with them.

Yeah. Yeah. I think magic people like me because I'm not a magician. So I can, I don't really know a lot about magic. You know, I'm a juggler basically. So they can show me a trick and I will react like a rube. Right. I will go, ah, fuck, it's gone.

You know. And they're really impressed because they never get that backstage. You know, when one magician shows a trick to another one, they go, oh, yeah, no, I see what you did. Right. It's like making a joke to a comic or something like that. Exactly. Nice. Yeah, funny. Or something.

Good. Yeah. Whereas as a magician, you know, it's what you want is someone to go, what the fuck? And you never get that with other magicians. You know, Matt, I want to be clear about one thing. I know that you I mean, because we met in Edinburgh, I know you've heard the program before. And I just want to say on behalf of myself, this is something that Jordan's never indulged in. But I just want to say that I really respect your circus skills and I'm proud that you use them for good. I mean, what makes you think I use them for good?

Isn't that exactly what I'd want you to believe? Oh, wow. Is one of your circus skills deception? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be, would it? Yeah, that's true. It is. I mean, speaking of comic books, I mean, it is kind of a perfect villain backstory. Cabaret performer by night, evil robber by day.

You flip them. You have to work at night. You have to work at night mostly. Yeah. And then do some daring broad daylight bank robberies with fake cleavers. What is the weirdest context, Matt, that you have ever performed your act in? Because I imagine, like, do you also even get, like, weird corporate jobs and stuff like that, right? Because you just have an agent who's, like, looking for some amazing shit to take up 20 minutes.

We've got it. Exactly. Well, I mean, because my background is in street performing. So the first 15 years of my career was literally on streets all over the world. So all the crazy shit happens then and there. So anything that could happen in a comedy club or any sort of heckling or anything like that could happen there is nothing compared to what has happened to me as a street performer. I could tell you some fucking stories. I insist that you not do so.

Please don't tell us any interesting stories. We're trying to focus on real estate here. Mid-90s, Covent Garden Piazza in London, the home of European street theater, beautiful natural theater, outdoor theater. Doing a show, 300 people doing my shtick that you've seen, having fun, nice day. A woman pushes her way through the crowd, walks into the middle of my space, acknowledges nobody, drops her pants, pulls up her skirt, does a shit. Does a shit. Pulls up her pants, strains down her skirt, leaves through the crowd who make a space for her. Yeah.

And that's it. That's a fucking critique. Right. There's no heckle that can touch me now. The bar has been set, you know? Sure. And honestly, I... Someone fake snoring in the audience. Yeah. right there's no heckle that can touch me now the bar has been set you know sure um and honestly i someone fake snoring in the audience it's like nothing compared to someone shitting in front of you took a dump in front of me i mean and and and the thing is you know everyone sees it you can't

hide it you can't move on so i i they're like these trash cans on the street so i just kind of pushed a trash can in front of it so they can't see it. But they can still smell it. I mean – You know what the secret is? Once they can't see it directly, you just sort of move your hand over to the side and then that draws their attention that way. Misdirection. Yeah, it's called misdirection.

Yeah, I mean I was going to ask you. I mean I too was taken aback by how wasted everybody was at the show we were at. And, you know, I mean, God, I mean, I've, you know, I don't go on stage that much these days. But I definitely have been in, like, improv shows or, you know, I did a show at the SF Sketch Fest this year where there were some kind of drunk front row people. And it's terrifying. And I'm just talking. Like, i don't have to do anything amazing and i was so amazed that like you know you handled the drunkenness and then went about being amazing and i'm like oh but i guess that is just the calluses built up with years of having to perform in front of shitters

it's really true in front of i mean not everyone was a shitter. No, I don't mean isolated incident. The one shitter. I mean, I imagine that when you put that fucking tablecloth back under the shit that's on the table, there's a few people shitting themselves right there. That's what I'm aiming for. Certainly. There's two kinds of shits. I guess there's the critical shit, which you got that time in the 90s. But then there's a nice appreciative dump.

Appreciative dump. Yeah. Somebody comes over and says, you smell that? You the 90s. But then there's a nice appreciative dump. Appreciative dump. Yeah. Somebody comes over and says, you smell that? You did that. Thank you. I think that's the musk. That's the musk. That's the musk.

Some might think it's horniness. Some might think it's a dump. In Germany, it's the same thing. This episode already has so many potential titles. Yeah. I feel like this is the smallest segment that has the most potential episode titles. And in the end, Brian is just going to call it Make a Shit. Sure.

Pretty good. It's not bad. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, which they pronounce, interestingly, Squat a Spot Chatting. Oh, I don't think they do. They probably want us just to say Squarespace. So we shouldn't just say Squat a Spot Chatting. No, we shouldn't.

It's spelled the same way so people won't have trouble going to Squarespace.com and entering the code JJGO. Yeah. It's just that as you type it, you can think in your head, oh, squat a spot, Jay. You know what? Think whatever you want to. As long as you're going to Squarespace.com and putting in offer code JJGO when you want to make your own website. Yeah, no matter what kind of website you want to make, whether you want to showcase work, you want to showcase your business, you want to sell things online. Squarespace is an easy way to do it. We've used Squarespace for websites here at MaximumFun.org. It is genuinely easy to build a beautiful website

with Squarespace. It's a great product. Yeah. I used it to build my personal website that I used to get freelance writing jobs. JordanMorris.net, check it out. And I am, Jesse, you know this about me. I am not a man who knows things to do with a computer. No, sir. I am bad at computers, despite being a nerd. An Xbox is a type of computer. Yeah, I guess I could use that okay. Yeah.

Although, I don't think you even have the latest Xbox. You've got a PlayStation. I've got a PS4. I'm a PS4 man. But I'm also a Squarespace man, because I went to Squarespace.com. And I put in my own offer code, Jesse, because I'm a man of the people. Absolutely. Well, if you go to Squarespace.com

you get a free trial and then when you're ready to launch, you use the offer code JJGO to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Squarespace.com and enter the code JJGO. We also have another sponsor this week. The folks at Stitch Fix.

Oh, which they pronounce Stitch-a-fee. They don't. It's just Stitch Fix. Really? But you know what they do, though? What's that? They do just pronounce it Stitch Fix, but they do like it when you sing. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it.

It is a new, simple way to shop for clothes. You know, Jordan, you can tell a guy who's got style, and that takes a certain skill set not all of us were born with. But now there's an easy way to look better with Stitch Fix Men. You go to stitchfix.com. You answer questions about your sizes, your budget, and what styles you like. And then your personal stylist selects clothes just for you. They ship them to you. You pay for what you keep.

Shipping is free both ways. Yeah. This is a service that you actually utilized, right? You told them some information about yourself. Yeah. You know, you tell them, you tell them, you know, are you going from from the workplace to out on the town? Do you need something more formal, more casual, business casual? You kind of tell them a little bit about your life, what kinds of clothes you need, and

they ship you a great box, and you only pay for what you keep. I got a great pair of jeans from Stitch Fix. I've gotten some great shirts that I've got many compliments on. So if you would like many compliments- I told them I'm a train engineer, and I got the perfect hat. There you go. The classic choo-choo cap. That was a classic with a twist, my friend.

Get started now at StitchFix.com slash JJGo. You'll also get 25% off when you keep all five items in your box. That's StitchFix.com slash JJGo to get started today. StitchFix.com slash JJGo. You know, we mentioned, Jordan,

the real way that we pay the bills here at JordanJesseGo and across the MaximumFun.org network. That's through listener support. We only ask for your support once a year during the MaxFunDrive, and the MaxFunDrive is right around the corner. Yeah. You go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. It kicks off April 2nd, and it runs for two weeks, and we have a lot of fun stuff coming up. Yeah, we're going to have premium episodes with some of your favorite fellow MaxFun hosts.

We're going to have awesome thank you gifts to everybody who supports this show and all the shows at MaxFun. And, you know, like I really want to emphasize when you support us during the MaxFun drive, you are supporting this show. If you listen to Jordan Jesse Go, your donations go to Jordan Jesse Go. It's not like – I don't know. Once in a while I think people think that I just have like a vault and then I'm just writing checks at will like, yeah, $100 for Ross and Carrie and $500 for Minority Corner. No, it's really how we actually pay the bills and your money goes directly to the shows you listen to. So don't miss it. Don't miss it.

We got a lot of fun stuff. Can I tease this? We've got a couple of special episodes coming up. We're doing a great one with Carrie Poppy of Oh No Ross and Carrie. We're going through some calls that were a little too hot for the air. That'll be for donors only. But also for donors only, I recorded a very special podcast with a certain judge where we talk about a certain food

that is cheese. Oh man, I didn't even know Judge Judy loved cheese. No, not Judy. Oh God, I wish. Wapner? No, not Wapner either, my friend. Guess one more judge.

Joe Brown. Yeah, that's the one. Wapner? No, not Wapner either, my friend. Guess one more judge. Joe Brown. Yeah, that's the one. No, me and John Hodgman have a very special one-episode-only podcast about cheese that you can get if you donate in the MaxFunDrive. Do you want to tell them what it's called? Shooting the Breeze. It's a very dumb show where we talk about cheese. It's because you're both former professional cheese mongers. We both briefly worked in the cheese business.

I think his stint was more successful than mine. But we get into it. We talk to a professional cheese man from France. And it's a real hoot. And you can only listen if you donate. Ooh la la. That's the way he would not want you to talk. It starts April 2nd.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Matt Riccardo, fast hands, smart mouth, nice suit. The man actually has a... Is reading from his Edinburgh French Festival poster. Oh, yeah.

He's just delivering his log line. It works. Sticking with it. Listen, I mean, I think your slogan fits. It's descriptive. It coaxes people into your show. Sticking with it. Listen, I mean, I think your slogan fits. It's descriptive. It coaxes people into your show. If, you know, during the next segment you just want to throw it away and be Doobie Goober or something like that.

Doobie Goober. That's fine, too. I'm not doing appreciative dump. Matt Ricardo, appreciative dump. Doobie Goober. Yeah, that's my example of a Jordan Jesse Goat nickname. Wow. Have you just been saving that for years?

Yeah. Okay, because it's fucking, you earned that shit. If ever we have someone who can't think of a nickname, I will gift them Doobie Goober. Oh my gosh. If there's not a Twitter account Doobie Goober, I'm getting it now. Yeah, you're going to want to squat on that one. Okay, speaking of squatting on things, Jordan and I, a few weeks ago on the program, asked – this is something that came up on our Facebook group, on the MaxFun Facebook group. A lot of fun over there. just the Facebook group. And we threw out a call to you, the Jordan Jesse Go listener, to call us and share with us

what the craziest thing you've lost inside your body has been. We learned, or that you had direct experience with no hearsay, but direct experience with it being lost inside a body. So a family member,

a person that you performed health care upon, this sort of thing was also acceptable because this Facebook thread, I don't know how you felt about it, Jordan, but I was immediately astonished at the sheer volume, both on an individual basis and on a collective basis, of the things that had

been lost in people's bodies in various ways. Yeah, and we thought it would be appropriate because we have Matt here, who is affiliated with the magical arts, to talk about disappearing. Yeah. Matt is tenuous at best. Thank you. Fuck you. As I understand it, in prison it's called hooping.

The ability to pass objects of value into your body by means other than the mouth. Hooping. Hooping. Okay. But I'm also interested in things lost during surgery or consumed. Sure. Non-food items that have been consumed. Yeah.

I had that story about losing that earbud in my nasty little ear canal. Yeah, exactly. We'll take an ear canal. Yeah, we'll take it. Any orifice that you can stick something in, we're interested in something getting lost in there. Yeah. And at the end of the day, we do this, of course, as a sort of public service announcement. The motto of Jordan, Jesse, Go, of course, is without a base. Without a trace.

Yeah. Yeah. So let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, Go! of course is without a base, without a trace. So let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, possible guest. This is Al from Florida. Calling regarding an Axiom item. I've got some things that have been stuck inside of me. Whenever I was younger, maybe five, six years old, I made a habit of taking the toy billiard set. Can you pause this, Ryan, because I'm already...

What I love about how this call started is he says, whenever I was younger, like as though once in a while, he gets back into that headspace and really shoves a billiard ball up his ass. This could be... I don't want to, you know...

I mean, again, I don't think these things are necessarily related, but this This could be, I don't want to, you know, I mean, again, I don't think these things are necessarily related, but this man could be an adult baby. Yeah, that's also possible. So he is sometimes younger, but, you know, then he throws on the suit and goes to work. Anyway. Do you think he sometimes wears

his didey under his suit? Yeah, and if he wants to feel a little nasty, he wants to feel a little nasty at the office. And who among us doesn't want to feel a little nasty at the office? Just not all the time. I know you don't work in an office, Matt. But on special occasions, sometimes you want to feel nasty as you want to be. I'm starting to wish I worked in an office.

Yeah. I want this opportunity. It's really cool. I actually, in order to feel nasty here at the office, I sometimes have my employees call me Miss Jackson. Sure. Go ahead and press play, Brian. ...your Kmart, and obviously not playing fool with them because that's impossible, and I would shove as many of the tiny billiards up my nose as I could.

This was sort of a party trick that I did that no one was impressed with until one time I shoved five of them up my nose and two of them did not come out and I had to go get them sucked out by a doctor. I also got some corn kernels stuck in my ear doing the same thing whenever I was maybe nine or ten years old. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. That's amazing.

That's beautiful. This guy's quite the shover. My daughter put a rubber band up her nose and we believe it may be there still. She claimed that she had removed it, but she was obviously showing us a different thing that was not a rubber band. And so we knew that she was just trying to get out from under the onus of having a rubber band in her nose. And so a healthcare professional of some kind told us, have you heard of mother's breath? We were like, no, we haven't heard of mother's breath.

Apparently, what you can do in this situation is you if something's up the nose, you can plug the nostril that it's not in and then basically do like a mouth to mouth and blow in and the air pops the thing out of the nose. Oh, boy. That seems ridiculously dangerous. In my head, eyes are coming out. Yeah. But I'm not sure that's how it works. In my head, you're getting a whack right in the brain. Yeah.

I don't know if the two are connected. I don't know a lot about anatomy. We're not doctors. Yeah. Of course we're not. We're not. Please do not consult us for about anatomy. We're not doctors. Yeah, of course we're not. We're not. Please do not consult us for medical advice. No, you can.

You can. You know, something I like about- I'm a doctor. Oh, okay. Not a real doctor, but- I mean, I'm- I claim to be. Actually, I claim to be a doctor.

I'm a federal bikini inspector. So it's kind of like being a registered- I've never met a real FBI agent. It's true. What I think I like about this story that I think I think needs to be remarked upon is that it's as a party trick that he admitted no one had ever liked. Yeah. That's something he did at parties. But like it never.

It's gross. It's totally gross. I love I love his commitment to doing this at parties despite no one liking the saga of the lonely child sure yeah i mean and and this is this is my milieu i know tricks yeah and if it's a trick no one likes it's not a trick right yes just a thing you do what's the thing that you like the most that others like the least in in my act yeah or in your abilities it may have been cut from your act out in a fit of realism um What's the thing that you like the most that others like the least? In my act? Yeah, or in your abilities.

It may have been cut from your act out in a fit of realism. There's the thing that I like that my wife hated the most, which is from my last one-man show where I juggled three electric cordless carving knives jammed in the on position. Oh, boy. Which was just fucking stupid of me. But I did it on a UK tour every night, you know. And I hurt myself. By the way, Matt, congratulations on finding a woman to tolerate this bullshit. Yeah, no shit.

It's really remarkable. What a remarkable and beautiful love story it is. But I mean, maybe speaking of love stories, I mean, kind of something, you know, somewhere where I saw this going. And maybe this is just the screenwriter in me. I can't turn it off. Because you were thinking Matt could save a cat right before he does that. Right, of course. You have to save the cat, then juggle the knives. Yeah.

I was thinking this was leading to some sort of meet cute where this guy's doing this billiard snorting at parties, you know, being rebuffed by everyone. No one likes it. And then finally he meets that one special person who's like, hey, I like how you crammed that shit up your nose. Wouldn't it be nice if we were over? That's the music cue. We have a big music budget for this.

I assume that you meant it might be a good meet-cute for Matt to juggle the electric carving knives because he is an electric carving knife juggler and his beautiful wife is a hand repairer. Sure. She does hand repairs. Hand repairs. Yeah. Let's take another call. Yeah, this is Isaac from Wyoming. And basically, I lost a fingernail in

my eye about 20 years ago. Following my mom's example, and clipping my fingernails while sitting in the back row of church for the morning. One of them flew off and went in my eye, tried to get it out. Obviously, my eye is watering. It gets kind of stuck. So I run out one-eyed into the bathroom, go into the mirror, and while I closed my eye, it, like, went underneath my eyelid. I could feel it against my eye and the backside of my eyelid. So I open up my eye, and I feel it go deeper.

I pull back my eyelid, and I can't really see it. So I blink a couple more times and I feel it go even deeper. Like now it's like not against my eyelid anymore, but it just went into my body. And basically I just sat there holding my eye open, pulling the lid down, trying to fish it out with just my nine-year-old fingers and failed. I have no idea what happened to it. It dissolved or something. So, thanks. That is like if Un Chien Andalou was a documentary. Yeah, Jesus Christ. About eye distress.

It just went on and on and on and got worse sure did oh i had for i had forgotten this but when i was in sixth grade i was walking down the path at the school that i went to and a bug flew into my eye and went under my eyelid and i went to the school it was a small school so there wasn't like a school nurse so i went to the receptionist and i was like there's a bug under my eye uh inside of my eye socket and uh she got the science teacher which i guess is like the closest thing to a nurse just as like you're looking for a doctor, but you would take an EMT. You would accept it and you're like, well, the EMT knows the basics and they can pass it off to the doctor.

She was like, okay, there's no doctor. There's no nurse. There's no EMT. I guess the science teacher, like a middle school science teacher, she probably owns her own forceps. Or she can just tell you what kind of bug it was. And she did such a bad job getting it. It was like the most terrible part of my entire middle school years. And middle school was not easy for me.

The body has too many holes. It does. You know, when I'm president, I'm going to – we're going to sew a couple of these. Sew them up. Sew them up. Sew them up. Yes. That's what we'll chant at my rallies. Boy, yeah.

Oh, my gosh. I'm running. I'm not so much running against my opponent as I am running against that fish that swims up your urethra. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I'm for emigration. Right. Except in the case of Brazilian urethra. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I'm for emigration. Right. Except in the case of Brazilian urethra fish.

Yeah. Let's take another call. Unless they have extraordinary ability. Yeah. I mean, if they have an advanced degree, yeah. If they're Norwegian in some way. Yeah. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.

This is Joe Paul calling from Connecticut. I was just listening to the recent episode where you were asking about things that were stuck inside people's bodies. I get bonus points according to Eliza Skinner because this happened during a surgery. My father had back surgery a few years ago to fix a pinched nerve. And after the surgery, he noticed that he was still having some pain. And they were showing him the x-rays. And my parents kept trying to ask, oh, what's this little spot here? And the doctors kept trying to be like, oh, no, no, it's nothing.

But it turned out they had left a surgical sponge inside him after the surgery. And so he had to have a second surgery to remove it. Wow. Health care at its finest. That's like a whole thing. That's like a whole thing that doctors lose things in your body when they open you up. Sure. I'm not sure there's not things inside my body from the two surgeries that I've had.

There could be, I don't know exactly what it would be, but maybe a nickel inside my balls. There should be a pre-sew-up checklist. There is, I think. I don't know how they – I think they have to list the things to each other, like do we have this, do we have that, do we have this, at least where I go to the doctor. Check the change in your pocket, how much was there before the surgery. Yes, to make sure no one has nickel balls. Has anyone been clipping their fingernails? No one has nickel balls.

Has anyone been clipping their fingernails? You know, I had a pretty big surgery in the 90s and I think I still have a Tamagotchi. A long battery life on those. Yeah. It's probably dead by now, right? It is often. Just reset it, I guess, and start again. It is often the sponges. Yeah.

Right. I think I have heard sponge before, too. And as a sort of middle-aged-ish man, I quite like the idea of having some sponges inserted into me so everything is more comfortable. Yeah. When I sit down, it's soft. It's like a buffer. Yeah. For sure.

What if you could get permanent lumbar support installed? Oh, yeah. Just get a spine poof. Who was it on our show? Oh, yeah. Just get a spine poof. Who was it on our show? Maybe Vanessa Ramos, who talked about having that inflatable lumbar support in her car seat. Oh, yeah. And turning it off sometimes so that she could turn it back on later as a treat.

Yeah, that sounds nice. Have you seen those? There's like senior citizen airbags now. This is a new gadget. It's a kind of a belt that a senior or someone just who's prone to whoopsies will put on themselves. Like a doobie goober? Yeah, some kind of doobie goober type or a magoo. Someone from the magoo family. Sure. Mrs. Magoo, Junior Magoo.

Sure. Oh, his nephew Waldo. Yeah. He's always dressed like a 1920s college kid. Right. He might have a fur coat. Might have a pole sitting accident. Right, yeah.

And Waldo. But yeah, I guess you clip on this belt, and if you take a little tumble, these belt bags will inflate and cushion your fall. Oh, that sounds nice. But you're saying we could get kind of an internalized version of this. Yeah. Kind of a sponge inflator. It just makes the world slightly more comfortable.

Yeah. I put out on Jordan Jesse Go that because of the small number of people that listen to this program and the relatively small proportion of them who's overseas, and because I was traveling by myself and was likely to be lonely, I indicated that I was willing to be friends with anyone in the nation of Denmark who was listening. And I did get a nice email from someone and I wasn't actually in the end able to go visit them. They lived outside of Copenhagen, I believe. But what was distinctive about their letter was, you know, they had provided some,

they had sort of invited me and said we'd love the show and whatever. And their evidence that they weren't crazy people was that they had invented the inflatable bicycle helmet that you wear like as a muff. Okay.

Yeah. So no insane person could have invented that. Yeah, exactly. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Assumed Guests. I'm going to go ahead and guess Chris Fairbanks. Close. I'm calling about the object stuck in bodies.

It didn't happen to me specifically, but I thought you guys would get a kick out of it. I'm the housekeeping manager for hospitals, and one of the hospitals that I work at insisted on buying a metal detector wand to wand over all the trash bags taken out of the surgery suites because they were leaving so many pieces inside of people and they wanted a way to double check that they had accidentally thrown it away and not left it inside of a patient. So there you go.

Have a good one. Bye. Wow. That's amazing. I don't know if that's scientifically sound. Yeah. But, yeah, I can see how you would make that logical leap. I guess if you lost a scalpel, you don't want to go digging in the trash to find it, the medical garbage.

So what they're concerned with is the loss of a scalpel rather than whether it's inside a person. You don't put the wand over the person. Yeah, right. That is a concern here. Yeah, well, I mean, what if the person has, for example, brass balls? For instance. It would throw the whole thing off. Sure.

Or nickel balls. Yeah, or. Sure. Or nickel balls. Yeah, or nickel balls. Or nickel balls. Any metal, frankly. I'm surprised we've gone through this segment no butts yet. Yeah. Not a single butt. I'm really impressed.

Yeah. I'm really impressed. It sounds like people are really flaring those bases out there. Sure, yeah. Well, they listen to this show, so they've obviously gotten the memo. Let's take another call. Maybe this one will be a butt one.

Hi, this is Ben in Brooklyn. When I was in kindergarten, I think, I swallowed a nail, like a whole nail. And then I got taken out of school, had to get an X-ray. There's an X-ray somewhere that I try to get a copy of that has the male inside of me. And then the doctors told my mom that they should check my poop in the weeks following to see if it passed through me. And it never did. So I don't know where that nail is. All right, bye. By the way. How? How? How?

Can I just say that I want this guy to be best friends with Dan McCoy from The Flophouse? They already both live in brooklyn similar vibes yeah boy uh yeah i mean just youthful curiosity yeah i can see like the i like i get i get the physics of the nail clipping guy he's clipping they're shooting everywhere you get under that lid but how does one it seems like you just have to do it on purpose. Is it possible that it's like how pregnant women go in the backyard and eat dirt sometimes? It's just a compulsion driven by like an iron deficiency. Sure, right. It's an ancient need to eat a nail.

Like this person, like he should just switch to iodized salt and he would no longer feel the compulsive need to eat nails. I think that guy is dead and that was a call from a ghost. You know what? Yeah. That's what I think now too. You know, we don't take these calls live. It could be like when you're looking at the stars. It's like a time machine.

The light from the stars is from thousands of years ago. He died since he made the call. Yeah. I bet a lot of these people are ghosts. Man died of rectum puncturing. Mm-hmm. Any story that involves the phrase checking your poops for nails. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta be careful

about those poops. Now, I'm gonna say that's another one that didn't go up the butt. Yeah. This is pretty remarkable. The't go up the butt. Yeah. This is pretty remarkable. The butt was tangentially involved. Right. I don't know how many more we have. I would be amazed if we got through this without a single butt one.

Without a single. I mean, yes. Yeah. I guess that is telling us two things about the audience. Yeah. Or one of two things, rather, is that they listened to this program enough to know without a base, without a trace. Right. Or these are some uptight types who aren't exploring the erotic power of the anus. And in the case of the men, the prostate.

Yeah. Milk the prostate, guys. Guys. Or they're just a little more sophisticated. They've moved past the prostate and now they're working on nose, ear. Oh, that's a good point. The other sexual hole. Yeah, exactly.

All right. Do we have like – is this one more, Brian? We got one more. Oh, boy. Will it be a butt? So it – This is why I came to America. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests

This is Pat from Vancouver, Washington Calling on the action item of Losing something in yourself My ex-girlfriend and I Were having sex years ago And when we finished We could not find the condom that I had been wearing And

Eventually after some digging, she found it inside of her and freaked out and thought that she was going to get pregnant and was yelling at me because we couldn't afford to have an abortion. And then she told me

that this wouldn't have happened if my dick wasn't so small. We're no longer together. Oh, my God. But, yeah, that happened. Okay. Heart of the Rock. What is the regular?

I'm not sure. Love you, Spoken. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. Oh, my God. There are guys who would pay so much money for that experience. Yeah.

So much money for that experience. They're like mostly CEOs of Fortune 500 companies and stuff. Yeah. If you pitch that to the president right now, he'd give you 10 grand for that. You know, I don't think that this issue is a matter of dick size. I think this is just something that happens. Yeah. I think sometimes condoms come off because I'm using the British pronunciation.

Nicely done. Thank you. I've been doing some work on Peaky Blinders, by which I mean I've seen an episode of Peaky Blinders, so I'm pretty good at it now. Condom. Condom. Condom. Yeah. Well, hey. The way to remember it is it rhymes

with gendarmes. Hey, caller, if you're listening, I hope that you are. I hope so, too. I just want to say, you know, again, these things happen, and it's not necessarily because of dick size.

But, if you do have a small dick, just get good at eating pussy. You know? Jordan, I'm glad you're finally standing up on this program for pussy eating. Come on, man. Finally taking a moment out from this program. You know I like to get my drank on. My guy from earlier. I remember him. Yeah. I met him earlier. Yeah, he's a cool dude. He guy from earlier. I remember him.

Yeah. I met him earlier. Yeah, he's a cool dude. He is very cool. Let's get his drink on. The kind of guy you want in your lift. Yeah. That's for sure.

It's getting musky. Probably. It's getting... Is that a musky sense? Something's magical in here. I shot myself. But I'm eating Lucky Charms out of a bag, so... Probably those two things is probably Matt's shit-filled pants and my baggie of Lucky Charms.

They're magically delicious. If you have a momentous occasion or you just lost something inside yourself, give us a call at 206-984-4FUN or email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey, guys, this is Adam Conover. You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything. Well, guess what? Now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun. What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talked to for just a couple minutes on the show,

and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Matt Ricardo, England person here. Jet lagged. Long day. Very long day. Matt Ricardo, you travel the world performing your remarkable feats of dexterity.

Yes, sir. your remarkable feats of dexterity. Yes, sir. If Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners are out there and they're intrigued by some of the dexterity that you've demonstrated by not embarrassing yourself on this program, which really involves a lot of dodging thrown feces, where can they find you?

They can find me on Twitter at Matt Ricardo. M-A-T? M-A-T, one T in Matt. And, you know, Google me. I infect the internet like a show business virus. Yeah. And if you're in England, then I'm doing a new show at the Edinburgh Fringe this year

and we'll be touring it afterwards. Yeah. We went and saw, when we were in England for the Edinburgh Fringe, we got to see Matt doing his act there as well. And it was really a hoot. It is exactly what you want to see at the Edinburgh Fringe after you've seen Josie Long's show or whatever. And I'll say, I've, you know, Jesse, I'm online.

I'm out there. I'm on the net. And I'm monitoring, you know, chatter about the show. I recently subscribed to Earth Spring. So, yeah, there you go. So you're catching up to me as far as most online. Yeah. I'm the most online.

But you're getting there. I use Usenet. Sure. Do you have America online here? Yeah. It seems like you would. It's what we all use. Yeah.

Because we're in America. It makes sense. We go online. Now I think about it. I have a free disc for you after this. We actually, here in America, we don't call, just this is a language thing, we don't call it America online. We call it an elevator.

Sure. Got it. In Canada, it's just called bacon. It's the boot. I've been monitoring online chatter about this show and I think a lot of people are remarking, rightfully, we've had a really good streak of first-time guests knocking it out of the park. Right. And I'm agreeing. I think we've done some really good work lately, and we've had, we've had some kids in here and we've taken chances on them.

Yeah. You know. And it doesn't always work out. Sure. This is a challenging program. It's a lot of bullshit to generate in just an hour and 15 minutes. Absolutely. And I think we've had a lot of new people who have really risen to the occasion.

We've had a lot of great shows. A lot of people make mistakes when they're trying to do it. A lot of people think I should try to trying to do it. A lot of people think, I should try to be good or funny or entertaining. Sure. No, you just ride on the river of garbage until the ride's over. So yeah, I think we've had a lot of great, hilarious people

lately. First timers, new friends, people you're going to see back on the show at a moment's notice. And we've also had Matt Ricardo. I see. Here's what I was going to say. Streak continued. That was great.

That was a joy. That was an absolute delight. But you got to cut them down sometimes. I get that. I get that. They become too powerful. Yeah. Look at him.

He's outdressed me today. I'm standing here in Clark's Wallabies in a sweatshirt and a match to the nines. Yeah, looking good. No tie. No tie. That's true. But now you're making that handsome comic book pin from earlier. Yes.

Oh, boy. The whole thing. It was the, like, comics code. The comics code logo. Seal. Really good. I wonder how everyone's going to go and buy one and now it's not special. Yeah.

Fine. Sorry. You can just go to putthisonshop.com and find a great thing to put on there. God damn it. Okay. Our producer, putthisonshop.com and find a great thing to put on there. Okay. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design, and our friends at Light in the Attic Records. You can join us on the internet, hashtag it JJGo on Twitter.

If you've got corrections, tweet them at GasStationTV. If you've got corrections, tweet them at GasStationTV. So if you have any corrections or disputes with us, just tweet those at GasStationTV, and we'll be sure that they see them probably. And you can also join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, the only corner of Reddit where everyone is almost always pleasant and nice. Right? That's true.

There might be a couple other subreddits. Awe. I guess awe. People are probably being pretty nice on awe. Hanson.reddit.com is probably, they're probably pretty nice. Or Hansons.com to discuss natural sodas. Yeah. I can't imagine being a dick or a chemtrail guy on there. The subject line just says cane sugar, and then the body of the post just says, no tangy aftertaste, a clean sweetness.

And then Mandarin appreciation thread for everybody. Posts how much they love Mandarin. Yeah. Anybody having a company picnic this year? Question mark. Sure. I feel like Hanson's is the— They throw a little vodka in that—what was I calling it?

Mandarin? Mandarin. I almost said maraschino. Yeah. Oh, hey, Hanson's. No idea for a flavor. Maraschino. Yeah. Anyway. Matt Riccardo, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you very much. My pleasure.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. to have you on the program. Thank you very much. My pleasure. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.