Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 524: Dog Nut Gumbo with Renée Colvert

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

Jordan and Jesse take a break from their usual topic to chat with fellow MaxFun podcaster Renée Colvert from Can I Pet Your Dog?. They get into Jesse's recent trip to Legoland, Jordan's Santa bar crawl jaunt, and the many jobs Renée has worked throughout her life, including singing at a Macaroni Grill and getting bitten by a monkey on stage at a theme park.  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. On Jordan, Jesse Goh, we're nuts about nuts. We talk about nuts and legumes exclusively on the program. Bolts, you're at the wrong podcast because we only talk about nuts. Wait, so do we talk about both types of nuts?

Yeah, yes. Yeah, Jesse, we've done over 500 episodes of this podcast. Can you recap to me what we do on this show? We do nuts. Right. The eating kind. Right, and then that's- Pine.

Walnuts. Right. You don't need me to go on i don't but then we also do cover hardware hardware bolts right and then we talk about um the one funny part in best in show sorry what are three funny parts in best in show where it's where christopher guest names those nuts There are a few different fun things in Best in Show. So yeah, we have a three-segment show. Right. You know, eating nuts, recipes, and then we go on to hardware, and then we remember the three or four funny things that happened in Best in Show,

and then we call it a day. Do we ever cover Fred Willard in A Mighty Wind, the only funny part of A Mighty Wind? I'm sorry,esse i i don't think i can start another podcast i'm just swamped got it okay just swamp i'm so busy oh i'm so busy fair enough so busy i'm not sleeping do we ever busy do we ever talk about how we wish that uh show with chris o'dowd in it was better? I'm sorry, Jesse. I like Chris O'Dowd.

Jesse, this is overwhelming to me. I'm so busy. It's not that it's terrible. I can't talk about it. We talk about it. I'm so busy. He's a likable protagonist. He's a great comic actor. I can't handle this.

He's a brilliant genius. This is just washing over me. You know what? How about this? Since you're flipping out. I can't possibly this. Christopher Guest is a brilliant genius. This is just washing over me. You know what? How about this? I can't possibly handle any more information. I'm so busy. Let's take the week off from the information superhighway, which is what I call it. Thank you.

And we'll just take this hour, hour and 20 minutes to just shoot the breeze with a guest, like a podcaster. Okay. I like that. Because the reason I mentioned a podcaster is that Renee Colvert is here from Can I Pet Your Dog? The smash hit dog cast. And pup cast? Yeah. What do you guys do?

Sure, sure, sure. I mean, we can do a pod cast. Right. Shit. We can listen. That's why you're the pro. Our abilities are Sure, sure, sure. I mean we can do a podcast. Right. We can listen. That's why you're the pro. Our abilities are endless, fellas. Yeah. It's great to have you here, Renee.

I made it. Thank you for having me. Can I tell you why I like to go to the flea market on Sunday mornings? Yeah, well – For the audience at home, I would like them to know that Renee and I were talking about what happened at the flea market this morning. Nothing of note happened. I want to be clear. Sure.

No, but that's our tradition every Sunday. Text you. Jesse, what happened at the flea market? At the Pasadena City College flea market, Jordan, not only are dogs allowed, they're practically encouraged. Wow. It's like going to a fancy restaurant and you don't have a jacket. Exactly.

They issue you a dog. Well, here's the thing. It's always a little too big, but. The Pasadena Humane Society has like a Willie Nelson tour bus that is covered in, you know, all over print of dogs. And because it's Willie Nelson's tour bus, everybody gets a contact high. All the dogs are super stoned. Can I tell you that we were trying to get Willie Nelson

on Bullseye this past year and his publicist said he only does interviews on the bus and you have to be willing to get high. Wow! You have to get high? Well, I mean, they literally said

The interviewer has to get high. It is all that is. There is no oxygen air. Oh, OK. I guess is how you are breathing in pure dank. So how was that interview? I didn't get to do it. I didn't get to do it.

We tried. I agreed to it, though. OK. I was like, you know what? If it means I get to interview Willie Nelson, I'll do it. Let's get it. I mean, you have this new pot smoking lifestyle, though. Well, yeah.

Now that I'm the king of drugs. Right. Sure. It would be no big deal. Those interviews are easier to agree to. Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to go interview Snoop Dogg. Sure.

Chong. Chong. Classic. You got it. The three, the stoner, Mount Rushmore, which only has three heads because those guys, you know those dudes forgot to finish it. You know three heads. You know those dudes forgot to finish it. You know those dudes forgot to finish it. Willie Nelson, Snoop Dogg, and Chong. I also have an interview scheduled with Spliffstar.

Buster Rhymes is a long-time hype man. Sure. Of course. So anyway, the Pasadena Humane Society brings a truck full of dogs. Humane Society brings a truck full of dogs. And when I say a Willie Nelson tour bus, this is not a small or medium-sized motor vehicle. This is like a tour bus-sized bus full of dogs, and they all camp out, and you're supposed to play with them. It is amazing. On the bus, or they just spread them around?

No, they bring them out and they're all wearing those little bandanas that say I need a home, adopt me. I'm very high. Don't take that into consideration before you adopt me. They all say, I'm Blaze, don't do that thing, you're running through a forest. They just say,

are you good to drive? And it is magical. I met some dogs. I got to tell you this, Jordan. I know you're an animal lover generally, but you're a cat owner. Renee and her co-host Allegra really inspired in me a full lifestyle change, which is- Jesse. I was already a dog owner and a dog lover.

But what they inspired me to do, and I think especially because they were always dog lovers, but they weren't always dog owners, is they inspired me to bother people so that I can touch their dogs. So, Renee, can you talk a little bit about this philosophy that Jesse has adopted? The on-the-street, dog-bothering lifestyle. Kind of like a may-I-pet-your-dog. Sure. We'll workshop the title. Title's a little formal, but yeah.

It's around there. We're also workshopping this. You seem to be having a pleasant afternoon. Can I ruin it? Yeah. Is what we're working with. Right. What about this?

Would you like to meet a weirdo? I am he. I think that's it. I think we found it. So tell us a little bit about it. What is your policy general on seeing a dog on the street? Sure. Well, here's what's interesting.

I think normally I tend to be fairly considerate of people. Let's keep an eye on them. How are they doing? But dogs are the kryptonite to that. We're like, I don't give a shit. It's a dog. I'm going to pet it. That's just how that's going to go to the point where I'll interrupt a conversation.

I will say, Jesse, you are one of the few small dog people I like for the most part. Small dog can't be bothered. It's a big dog, though. Come hell or high water, petting that dog. You really drew, you just drew a line in the sand. Yeah. Easier to pet. Easier to hug.

Right. Because there's more of it. Your dog isn't a large dog. Your dog's a medium dog. Don't tell him that. Okay. Okay. Jesse.

Sorry. Listen. Hey, you let him decide what kind of dog he is, Jesse. Okay. I mean, I know he loves nuts and he listens to this show every week. That's true. He misunderstood. He lost his nuts.

And so. Oh, it's just a neutering thing. He's just listening. I want some. I just need. Maybe they'll at some point tell me where my nuts are. Where do the nuts go after the neutering? Just the trash? Yeah.

Do they just throw them in the trash? Yeah. Maybe a bouillabaisse. Sure. That's nice. A gumbo. Down in knowledge. Sure.

Down in knowledge. You got to make that dog nut gumbo. I guarantee. Zatarans. Zatarans. They put chicory in the dog balls. That's, yeah. That's their secret.

Human. So I, I'm a fiend for petting other people's dogs now, which was not the case before. I would admire them from afar. Here's the thing. I'm glad that your show is called Can I Pet Your Dog? The reason being, if I weren't reminded by the literal title of the show, I would just – like I would go up to a stranger, pick up their dog and pet it. Like without even making eye contact with the human being involved. Of course.

I'm starting a companion podcast called Can I Sit Quietly on Your Couch Until Your Cat Comes Over? It's just about me going into people's homes who I know have cats and asking them if I can sit quietly on the couch until the cat gets up the courage to come over. Well, you're a fantastic pheromonal receptacle. Sure. You know it, baby. That's why cats love you. That's true. I'm always squirting out something.

You've got to get those glands on you, baby. Yeah. I need those glands. Oh, yeah. Now, what's the average cat comes over time? 48 hours? Yes, two days. Two days.

So you sit quietly for two days. Sure. I have to go into kind of a meditative trance-like state. Right. And, of course, I have to kind of carbo-load beforehand. So I have a big Italian dinner, stop by the macaroni grill, just load up on carbs, and then I

sit there for the requisite 48 hours for the cat to come over. And sometimes I'll put in my DVD of 48 hours. Oh, cool. Just to kind of pass the time. What if the cat doesn't come over? Do you put in the DVD of another 48 hours? I mean, that's literally all you can do.

Right. It's literally all you can do. It's impossible to do anything else. It's all you can do. I worked at Macaroni Grill in high school as a singer. Did you know they will sing to you if you ask? No. Actually, I definitely have never been to a Macaroni Grill.

Okay. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. When you say you worked there as the singer. grill. Okay. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-huh. When you say you worked there as the singer. Sure. Yeah.

Yes. Did you do any food service or was it just singing? Were you on his stage with a small combo? No. They probably have done away with this, but they had a policy where they would get hostesses who could sing and you could come over and you could sing an Italian aria to the table. I lied and said I knew Italian arias. And then I would just go over and sing various show tunes to people. Sure, yeah.

You just go up and sing Boz Skaggs songs. Exactly. On top of Old Smokey. Sure. Covered with meatballs. I think I know a couple of numbers from Philip Glass operas. One, one, one, two, two, two. The cog continues to turn.

Would you like some more garlic bread? One, one, one. Jordan, you're hired. Thank you. Jordan, I think the Kronos Quartet just became the Kronos Quintet. That's right. If even one of them listens to this podcast, you're hired, baby. Those guys love nuts.

Renee, this is another – this is I think something that is always delightful about hanging out with you is learning about a new job you have had. You have had the most jobs and basically they're all interesting in some way. I mean, I'm sure you've had some jobs that have been not interesting, but all the ones that I feel like I know about are all kind of crazy. Thank you. Well, thank you. I just don't have any skills. That's what I was about to get. This was my thinking as soon as Jordan said that was like, well, if Renee walked in for

a job interview, how could you hire someone else? She lights up a room. Sure. So she must not have any skills. If Renee walked in for a job interview, how could you hire someone else? She lights up a room. Sure. Right. So she must not have any skills. Exactly. You have to – what showmanship will do.

Right. How far it will get you. Right. And then – All the way to that host station. Yeah. Do you want to make minimum wage? Because I can tell you how to get there. What song did you sing?

What show tunes? Oh, sure. I love Little Mermaid. Listen, I was 15. Wow. Wait, you were 15? This was a child labor? Your parents had to sign a paper?

Yes. Yeah. And also, this is Colorado Springs. So I think there's a, hey, you can work 12 hours a week. Right. And that's legal. Sure. Right.

Got it. Okay. It's the altitude. As long as you have a concealed carry permit. Thank you. Yes. Jesse, you understand. You've been to Colorado. I've been to Colorado Springs. Not bragging. It's just the altitude. As long as you have a concealed carry permit. Thank you. Yes. Jesse, you understand. You've been to Colorado.

I've been to Colorado Springs. I'm not bragging. It's just the truth. Wait, have you really? Yeah. You've been there? What took you to Colorado Springs? I went to a minor league baseball game there.

Was it the Sky Sox? Yes. It certainly wasn't the New York Yankees. Who were they playing? And why did you do that to yourself? I don't remember who they were playing. So let's just say it was the Lansing Lugnuts. Okay.

Which inspired the previous podcast. It was because when I was a young teenager, when I was I think 13, my father, my younger brother and I went on a road trip from San Francisco to Detroit. Okay. Went to baseball games on the way. And there are not a ton of baseball games between San Francisco and Denver. I love this so much. If you switch baseball games for water parks, this sounds like my dream vacation. Boy.

And that would be great to go to America's water parks. This sounds like my dream vacation. Boy. And that would be great to go to America's water parks and just soak in the urines of our country. Our great nation's urines. How many skin rashes can you have by the end? Right. You could get some of those little fish that eat skin. Yeah, I've seen that. You know what I'm talking about?

And just bring them with you. That'd keep you clean. As a dog person that carries over to animal kindness, isn't it mean to the fish to be like, hey. No, the fish like the skin, I think. The fish love urine. Okay. But we're not. Yep.

No. I can't continue to argue this. You're right. Are we, like, these fish – these foot skin eaten fish. I'm worried I'm overfeeding them. Oh, sure. Got it. Yeah.

Just because you have so many fish foot treatments per week. Right. You're like – right. It's just unhealthy. So you had a child labor job singing songs from The Little Mermaid at a macaroni grill. Right. How's the food at macaroni grill? Listen, it's tasty.

Yeah? It's real good. What are you getting at the Macaroni Grill? Well, first they just- You gotta get that roni. You gotta get the macaroni and get it grilled. You'll have the option of getting it pan fried. Right.

Yeah. They start out with just a disc of bread, which in and of itself, sure, is great. Oh, so it's Ethiopian food. Right. And then a Shirley Temple, obviously. Of course. Right. They do of itself, sure. Yeah. Is great. Oh, so it's Ethiopian food. Right. And then a Shirley Temple, obviously. Of course. Right. They do a great Shirley Temple.

It's so good. You know the secret? Grenadine. Secret is grenadine. Write that down. Okay, that's good. And then a lasagna. Pretty tasty.

Okay. I love a nice lasagna. Now, where do you... Okay, so for you non-mainstream fellas, where do you get the best Italian that's not macaroni grill? I don't like an Italian restaurant. Yeah. Never heard of it, Jesse. That's my rec. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, do you want some local recs? Do you want, do we need to talk about more local food on this show? Finally, a chance to talk to name one location restaurants in Los Angeles. Yeah. You know, I think there's two Masellis.

Okay. So you could probably go to the Hollywood one or you can go to the Burbank one. So that has a kind of a broad appeal that I think we're looking for. I need to know what other jobs you've had in your time.

Now, I know that recently you've worked as a personal trainer. Sure, correct. Yes. Which is why you're so yoked. Thank you. Thank you. I was prepared to storm out of here if you didn't say it within the next five minutes.

So I'm glad that you got it in time. I tip my cap to you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, boy, it really is eclectic. There's been a lot of, it involves like a personality. Can I say a joke I thought of that I really don't want to let go of? Yeah, go ahead. The only time I'm yoked

is when I'm making a custard. Oh boy, you shouldn't have said that. I can see how in your head you're like, this is going to kill me. It makes sense. It adds up. Of course. So, personal training.

Personal training. Gosh, what – do you have like an industry that you're like, how about this? What have you done? No, I want to know. How did you even – I mean obviously you're fit. I don't understand how you become a personal trainer. Yeah. Do you have to get a certification at the junior college?

Basically, yeah. So that happened when I was in New York. I was doing shows at night. I had nothing to do during the day. So I threw myself into Equinox and said, hey, I'll do that. And then, yeah, they put you through a certification, which you memorize and then immediately forget. So it's a lot of physics and biomechanics and stuff like that. You're like, sure, I'll pass it for the test.

And then you just tell people to lift up a dumbbell. There was an aerobics class at my middle school. Oh, weird. And in order to make it a class, we had to have tests. But you can't. They're not going to test our resting heart rate, you know. So we had to, like, list muscles for aerobics class. What a nightmare.

Yeah. List of muscles. Latissimus dorsi? No thank you. Wow. I'm impressed that you remember that, though. Oh, yeah. It's still in there.

It's still in there. Okay. Food service industry. Okay. Yes. So also, but I mean, I think maybe this is the job that perhaps, other than, like, podcaster or comedian that the most Jordan and Jessie Go guests have had, you've been a theme park employee.

That's true. Yes. What parks? Disney and Universal. And that's it. Wait. Land and studios? Can you believe?

Can you believe? Yeah. So I just did the shows over there. It's a lot. Are you a theme park guy? You don't strike me as one. Funny you should ask. I went to a theme park yesterday.

Uh-oh. I went to a little theme park called Legoland, California. I'm anxious to hear about Legoland. But I would like before we hear about it. To hear about Lego Lost. Yes. My favorite of the elves. Of course. His archery skills are second to none. We hear about it. We hear about it. Yes, my favorite of the elves.

Of course. His archery skills are second to none. What else is there to say about Legolas? Take a back seat, for example, Keebler elves. You can't arch like this. As someone who is now an employee of the Lego industry, I just want to say that I like all of their products. Yes. And if someone hated them and was cranky at their park, I think they were wrong.

Anyway, Lego's a great company. Wait, since when are you an employee of the Lego company? I'm writing some episodes of Unikitty on Cartoon Network, which is a spinoff

of the Lego movie. You know it well, Jesse. I gotta say, I'll say, I enjoyed Legoland, so you have nothing to worry about. Oh, God!

Did you hear that, Lego? Thank you. Now, I did write on a comment card that you had touched me inappropriately. No, no, that was wrong. I did it by name. That was wrong. And I said, in case he should ever come into your employ, for example, writing for a spinoff of the Lego movie that's on Cartoon Network. God.

We probably could have used a few of your gags for the Ninjago movie that I watched. But besides that. I would love to punch up a Ninjago. If the Ninjago people are listening. There was a lot of up to be punched in that one. There were some very cool effects. There were a lot of cool effects. Now, I haven't been to Legoland.

What's the three must-sees? You got to check it out. There is. I mean, here's the thing about Legoland. Like, I am not a theme park person, generally speaking. I picked up on that. You'll be surprised to learn. Just don't go to Legoland barefoot, you know?

You're going to step on something. I bet they tell that joke a lot there. What's nice about Legoland is Lego is a great theme. Yes. You can make anything out of Lego. There's no reason not to. So just go ahead. Also, any ride could be a Lego ride.

go ahead. Also, any ride could be a Lego ride. You don't have to do anything to make it a Lego ride other than put Legos on whatever is in the ride. You know, like if you said to me, say any kind of ride. Log flume. Yeah, so make the

log out of Legos. Go ahead. Say another ride. I thought you weren't going to be able to do it. I honestly, I'm like, there's no fucking way this guy can do it. No, try me again. I can do this. Tilt-a-whirl. Tilt-a-whirl. Tilt-a-whirl. Right. So instead of like, okay.

He's not going to do it. He's not going to get it a second time. He's going to get it a second time. No way. Guys, I can't do this. The first time he got lucky. Okay. I can do this.

So you know there's an enclosure? Uh-huh. Cover that shit in Legos. Lego bricks. What? Lego building bricks. I didn't think he was like, Can he go for it, though? Okay, one last

one. Okay, this is tough. Do you have one? No, go for it. Train. Can you do it? Make it out of K'nex. Oh, fuck! Yeah! Baby, how the mighty have fallen.

You thought you could... That's not a Lego brand product! You fucked up! You fucked up! Hey, baby, how the mighty have fallen. We thought you could. Shit. It's not a Lego brand product. You fucked up. You fucked up. You had it. It was right there and you lost it. I know.

I know. God damn it. Well, the nice thing about Legoland is it has very little ambition. So what it really is, is it's just some, it's very low. What it really is, is it's just some, it's very low. I also should mention, I went in at the very beginning of March when it was scheduled to rain, which is my time to go to any theme park. I cannot bear. Because you love a poncho. You love a commemorative poncho. I love a nice poncho.

There's a picture of me and my dad at Disneyland in giant ponchos when I was like five years old. That's like one of our treasured family photographs. But like basically it's – I don't want to say it's abandoned because it's not – it's very – it's like clean. It's not dusty or anything. But it's just quiet for a theme park. I mean it's quiet. It's not dusty or anything, but it's just quiet for a theme park. I mean, it's quiet. It's not – nothing crazy is happening. And everything is for six-year-olds.

There's no trying to figure out if something is for a six-year-old. There's no things that are – that will catch you blindsided because they're not for a six-year-old. And fucking six-year-olds love that shit. Like how you go to Knott's Berry Farm and you'll go on a ride and there's a lot of fucking. Yeah. Right. Exactly. There's a lot of-

Learn that the hard way. You're like, oh, come on. Put a rating on these. But it really is just, it's just, I didn't wait for any rides, really. You know, five, ten minutes. That's what you want.

That's nice. That's all I really want for my theme park. My feeling about theme parks is I don't mind going on rides. I think rides are neat. I'm not a big rollercoaster guy, but I like... I'll go on Mr. Toad's Wild. Sure. That's a good sport right there.

Yeah. I'll go on whatever. I'll go on it. I'll go past some shit. I like those rides where you're in a boat just passing stuff. You like a storybook village. Yeah. But here's the thing. The idea of paying someone for me to wait an hour to do something that takes five minutes makes me want to cry.

It really breaks my heart. We got to get you an ice cream cone, buddy. I know. Yeah. Exactly. Have you guys heard about Dole Whip? It's something they have at Disneyland. Oh, boy.

Only at Disneyland. Yeah. Well, they have it at Disneyland and also every frozen yogurt place in the world. Right. Right. So the nice thing about Legoland is the stakes are very low. The stakes are very low and you really can make anything out of Legos. But when you were eating, did you try the steak?

I did. How's the steak? And, uh, like, you know what? Yeah. There's this whole part of Legoland where shit's made out of Lego. Like, uh, regular shit from the real world, but it's made out of Lego. Oh, look at that. That's fun. You know,

here goes the New York City skyline. But it's made out of Lego instead of, look at that. That's fun. You know, here goes the New York City skyline, but it's made out of Lego instead of bricks and concrete. Renee and I, speaking of going to a theme park during the off hours, we were both having a little bit of, I would say, mutual anxiety about where our careers are at. Will I ever work again? Sure. How much time have I wasted? Should I die?

Am I a drain on the world's resources? Guys, just because you're a drain on the world's resources doesn't mean your career's not going anywhere. This is show business. We're all a drain on the world's resources doesn't mean your career is not going anywhere. This is show business. We're all a drain on the world's resources. This is before I had acquired my sweet job writing episodes of the spinoff of the Lego movie on Cartoon Network, which is a very funny show, and it's great.

Right. But pre that, you know, some anxiety, beginning of the year, things are slow. Right. But pre that, you know, some anxiety, beginning of the year, things are slow. Right. So we decided to celebrate our freelance lifestyle by going to Magic Mountain at 8 a.m. on a Monday. That's awesome. It's a Six Flags Park, which I think people, maybe if you haven't been to Magic Mountain, you've been to a Six Flags. You're familiar with the idea of hurtling groundward in a vaguely superhero-themed mode of conveyance. Sure, yeah.

Precisely, yes. Yeah, while being wary of the other people who are there. No direct eye contact. A general discomfort. You're like, hmm, can we check for face tattoos on the way in? Yeah, I would say that the vibe of there's a particular kind of man that I think we've mentioned on this show before who frequents the Six Flags. And that kind of man is Juggalo without the makeup. Yes.

He has it. Right. And he knows how to apply it. It's there. It's in his backpack in case. Right. But it's not on just yet. In case somebody goes whoop whoop right yeah then you quickly put on that grease paint so you can also say whoop whoop um and here's the thing about here's the thing i noticed

about first of all six flags 8 a.m on a monday nobody's there uh here's the here's the problem with it though a little hard to make a day out of it because you get on those rides so fast. You just walk on. By noon, I was so nauseous that I had to lay. All I wanted to do was lay on my back. Do you like to go on a roller coaster ride? I love a thrill ride. I'm a thrill junkie.

Got it. A thrill seeker. To Jordan's credit, though, you tried to rally. You were like, we're just going to sit for a little bit. Then we'd get up and he's like, and we're just going to sit for a little bit more. Let's enjoy a bench. You know, Jordan, not unlike our friend Nick Weiger, I'm a bit of a heat seeker. Does he get steel running jokes from other podcasts?

Okay. Anyway, it's time to sing the letter song. Letters. You write us letters and then we read them. How does he do it? How does he do it every week? Maybe you guys should try. Nobody else is doing it.

Try stealing directly from other shows. Maybe they'll never find out. It would be nice because then the show would have segments and content. Yeah. Maybe they'll never find out. It would be nice because then the show would have segments and content. So, yeah. No, I like a thrill ride.

They've definitely – they've gotten far more thrilling since I was a kid. Were you always like from childhood? Like were you a nine-year-old getting on roller coasters? Took me a while. Took me a while. Late bloomer. How late? Both in the terms of theme park rides and sexually. I think once I got – I think I remembered a lot of like early like trips to theme parks where I felt I was not – I was the scaredy cat of the month.

Sure. Which inspired which? Did you ride a roller coaster and think now I'm ready for sex? You had sex and you're like, I think I can handle a roller coaster. It was the same one. Me and my high school girlfriend got on the Matterhorn. One thing led to another. And there we were.

Two birds. There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, Jordan. Thank you. I was literally a junior in college the first time I wore bloomers. There you go. You guys. Yeah. Custard, steak wore bloomers. There you go. You guys. Yeah. Custard, steak, bloomers, boys.

Renee, you did a great job of roller coaster riding. I feel like I was the one who got nauseous. You have a high tolerance for this sort of thing, it would seem. Well, again, with my no skills, I can show personality and I can ride a bunch of roller coasters. Right. That's all you roller coasters. Right. That's all you need in life. Yeah. But in Jordan's defense, one of the rides is called Full Throttle that has to be sponsored by just caffeine.

Just so intense and so crazy. Again, they're throwing you all over the place. You're going from zero to 80 in no seconds. It's a lot. It's fun, but it's a lot. Yeah. And they do – that's that one with the fake countdown? Yeah.

Great. These fucking teens. Operating these rides, these fucking teens. The last time I went to Disneyland, I got, you know the Dumbo ride where they go up in the air and spin around in a circle? up in the air and spin around in a circle uh i went on that uh and i went with my then i'm gonna say four-year-old child okay and i we got up to the top and i realized like immediately upon arriving at the top like sort of like when you when you're like walking up a set of stairs it doesn't seem like you've gone that far until you turn around so on the way up it was fine and i got to the top, like sort of like when you're like walking up a set of stairs, it doesn't seem like you've gone that far until you turn around. So on the way up, it was fine.

And I got to the top and I was like, I'm not okay with this. But I have a four-year-old here and it is really important that I not betray the extent to which I'm not okay with being here right now. Sure, of course. And I don't think I have spent a longer three minutes and 45 seconds or however long that ride actually lasts in my entire life. Now, with Dumbo, you get to control the height. Is that right? No, not if you've got a four-year-old on board.

Oh, okay. Gotcha. So there's no tricking of like, oh, ours is broken. Not even a little bit. So were you always like this or was this a skill that you developed, Renee, when you worked at theme parks? No, I also wasn't like that. I hated roller coasters. And then there was a boy in eighth grade who loved roller coasters and Mind Over Matter.

Boy, was I able to get into that. The only time I've ever been on a real roller coaster, like anything more intense than Indiana Jones, was at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where we went to college. We went to the university there, to be fair. Boardwalk was near the campus. We went to the university. The university is actually not technically part of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

It's actually part of the Dippin' Dots franchise. Right, yes. It's the ice cream and the education of the future. Anyway, I majored in corn dogs. Saltwater taffy here. You'll never use that in the real world. Get something you can use. You haven't seen me pull.

I guess not. Okay. So, sorry, that was a stretch. Okay. We love it. He's back, baby. The only time. You've recovered from that yoke thing. The only time I've been on a real roller coaster, they have one of those big old-fashioned wooden

roller coasters that's been there since the 30s or the 40s or whatever. I bet you could call it a rolly coaster. It's so old. I absolutely think so. Yeah. Would you really call that? One could. I don't think it would.

That's fair. Probably Chubby Checker would call it that when he's playing a concert below it. One of his eight or nine yearly concerts at the Beach Boardwalk. We should explain. We come from Santa Cruz, California, where the entire economy is Chubby Checker

based. Okay, that makes so much sense. Occasionally a lesser Beach Boy will The entire economy is Chubby Checker based. Okay. That makes so much sense. Occasionally a lesser beach boy will stop by. Like a Mike Love solo. Sure. Doug Wilson. What a big day. You're skipping corn dog class when that happens, right?

Yeah, exactly. I'm calling in sick. I got a case of batter poisoning. Gotta see. But I wrote on it, Dennis Wilson's half-brother, Doug. It was like freshman orientation day or something. Okay. And I was talking with a literal Swedish exchange student.

Sure. A young woman who was literally a Swedish exchange student. Spectacularly beautiful young woman. And she was like, do you want to go on this roller coaster? I should explain. For those who are worried because they know that I've been with my wife since we were in high school, when we went away to college, there was a brief window where we tried to break up and it didn't take.

So this was during that window. When we went away to college, it would be ridiculous. And then it was just open season on exchange students. Exactly. Everything was fine and more. That's what you call that period of time, open season on exchange. So I'm hanging with this beautiful blonde woman from a foreign country. And she's like, you want to go on this roller coaster?

And I'm like, yes, of course. I love going on that. As I love all things that you like. And we went on it. And I'll say this. I did not like it. I did not even like it a little tiny bit. But then my friend Noah said to me, he said,

hey, you know, a lot of times you don't like it the first time. It's like the first time you're getting used to it and the second time you really come to love it. A lot of fun. And I was still hanging out with this Swedish exchange student. So I went on it a second time. I think used to it and the second time you really come to love it a lot of fun and i was still hanging out with the swedish exchange student so i went on it a second time i don't i think i liked it less oh yeah is that what made you go back to your wife the roller

coaster yeah okay yeah that was it yeah i don't even like my wife just you just wanted to be sure you didn't have to go on any roller coaster yeah she doesn't like roller coasters or fish and i don't like fish either so sure it's the main side i don't like fish and to go on any roller coasters. Yeah, she doesn't like roller coasters or fish. That's all I need. And I don't like fish either. Oh, sure. It's the main side. I don't like fish and I don't like roller coasters. So she's on board for both those things. No, that's great.

So you said you did shows at theme parks. So you weren't churro selling or something like that. But this was like an extravaganza. Sure. So I did two shows. One was Fear Factor Live. Oh, wow. You remember the TV show.

You played Joe Rogan, right? Right, exactly. You were the – A lot of facial hair. It is a difficult position. So you remember the show Fear Factor. They would put that on stage and they would make people run around in circles and drink fish guts. Were you concerned about being circles and drink fish guts.

Were you concerned about being typecast as fish guts? I was. Yeah. It was a concern. It didn't happen, but I was concerned about that. And then that was a job where at least once a month you would get puked on. Oh, wow. I know. What was your job?

Yeah. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. Were you Joe Rogan or were there other people involved? Sure. So they were two hosts. They you Joe Rogan or were there other people involved? Sure. So they were two hosts. They abandoned Joe Rogan completely. Not one Joe Rogan impressionist in the thing.

Wow. Not even just a different MMA guy? Chuck Liddell. Yeah. Listen, the show's been closed for 10 years, but I think we need to go back and be like, guys, here's why it didn't work. Here's why it was. Yeah. Should have gone with that.

Your host should be deadlier. Here's why it was. Yeah. Should have gone with that. It should be deadlier. A boy and a girl host just to keep it fun. And then three different levels for people in the audience who were previously selected to come up and participate. The first one you had to hang from a bar, but the bars were angled, so your hands are slipping right off that.

Oh, wow. Now, this was not part of it. Can you hang on this angled bar? You're letting us in. This is a peek behind the curtain. Give me a little peek. So to the audience, it's just like, hey, can you hang on this bar? Oh, what a bunch of wimps up there.

But it's great. They were sliding off. Right, right, right. Yeah. I know, Jesse. Can you believe? Did you grease them up like a Philadelphia telephone pole? Of course we did. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. The old Philadelphia telephone pole. I don't understand that. What does that mean? Is that a sex move? When you grease up the pole and you dip it in the cheese whiz. The main thing to know about football. I'll give you the big football news for the year.

The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl. the big football news for the year. The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl and when they went to the Super Bowl, the city of Philadelphia greased up all the poles so people could climb poles, fall off, and die. Smart. It's good.

They literally had to grease up the poles. So what happened is they couldn't climb poles so they would just eat shit in the street then? Is that? Yeah. Okay.

Exactly. That was the meme from the Super Bowl party. Just sliding on down. Anyway, shit eating. Go ahead. So Fear Factor Live. Fear Factor Live with former guest Chelsea Crisp. You guys remember she also worked there together.

And now she's a star of a sitcom. There you go. So grounds for success. Yeah. And then I did the animal actor stage show where they have monkeys that you're not allowed to look at because they get jealous. Jealous? So you're making allowances for the monkeys' jealousy. Precisely.

Yes. So we got hired. There's a whole rigmarole, don't look at the monkey. Well, that's the first thing you're going to want to do. It's not like don't look at the monkey. You get it. What's the first thing I'm going to do? Look at the monkey.

To be fair, I'm not looking at the monkey. You're not looking at the monkey. No, I'm too busy climbing those poles. Yeah, there you go. Putting a crack in the old Liberty Bell. Making them tasty cakes. You guys are erotic Philadelphia things. Yeah, Randall Cunningham, huh?

Sure. Okay. Guess who looked at the monkey? And guess who got bitten in the knee? Oh, shit. Right in the knee, huh? In a monkey bite? In a monkey bite.

I know. And they, listen. Was it immediate? Was it you looked at the monkey, he's like, I don't like this eye contact, I'm biting some knee. Or was it, did it happen weeks later? Yeah, yes. No, exactly like that. Don't look at the contact. I'm biting some knee. Or did it happen weeks later? Yes. No, exactly like that.

Don't look at the monkey. I looked at the monkey. The monkey bit my knee. And then they said, we told you not to look at the monkey. That's the succession with which it went. Here's something that happened to me when I was at Legoland. Yes. You got bit by a monkey.

Yes. Why was it there? It was not made of Legos. Or Lego, singular. It's a Lego collector. It was there to trade minifigs. Of course. Loves minifigs.

So there are different kinds of people who work at a theme park. I think there are a lot of aspiring actors and actresses that work at Disneyland. I think, I don't know what, I've never been to, I've never been to the Six Flags here, but I've certainly, as a child, went a couple times to Marine World Africa USA. And at Marine World Africa USA, you can expect to meet pimply teens. Of course.

At Legoland, everyone there is a powerful dorkus. like a sweet, powerful Dorcas. Like there's no sheen on the Legoland. Like neither are they bratty teens, nor are they those kind of like people wearing a lot of makeup like at Disneyland where you like everyone, you feel like everyone's trying to trick you into doing something. It's just real sincere, real sweet power dorkuses. But this is what your knee incident made me think of. My friend's daughter had a cut on her finger and it was really upsetting her. It was a small child.

And we needed to find a first aid area so that we could get a little band-aid to put on it. And I went in that first aid area. These people were gorgeous. The people in the first aid area. Oh, wow. There's three people in the first aid area.

They look like a fucking, the cast of a ski patrol movie. These are the most beautiful people I saw the entire day. I mean, I did not see any other beautiful people among the attendees. This is not a venue

that attracts beautiful people. It's not a glamorous, not super Instagrammable, you know. Of course. But three spectacularly beautiful people and I went in got

you're like oh hi I have an owie you got a photo I went in I got a bandaid I told them that they were the real heroes I left and immediately all I could picture was those people planning a party that no one else from Legoland is invited to.

Oh, absolutely. Like no one else in the whole. Like, hey, so what are you guys – what's everybody in the first 810 up to after work? We're all going to go to Brian's house. Yeah, we're all going to the macaroni grill. Sure, yeah. If you first aiders want to tag along. It's pretty great.

Awesome lasagna. Yeah. How do you – okay. How do you treat a theme park monkey bite? What's the first thing that happens? You've been bit by the monkey. Right. I would be panicking because of monkey diseases. You would think.

Somebody shoots the monkey. Right. No, the monkey's the star of the show, Jesse. Okay, sorry. So the- The monkey is friends with Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah. When you're right, you're right. I'm not going to rat on the monkey. Okay, sorry. So the- The monkey is friends with Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah.

When you're right, you're right. I'm not going to rat on the monkey. It was happening. So the show had- You'd rat on a rat. Rat. Yeah. You got bit by a rat.

Different story. Not one thing has not hit. Everything is hitting. Everything. Thank you. I'm delivering premium quality content right now. In your strong defense, when I come on the show, you're like, here's what we can talk about, guys. Theme parks.

So have fun. Yeah. So we planned some great theme park puns ahead of time. Perfect. Some yoke material. We had a punch-up room. It was great. Of course.

I can tell. Yeah. Robert Smigel was there. It's apparent. It's a good room. It's a good room. It's a good room. So, yes, the monkey bite happened, but the show had started. So I went on with, you know, just an injury.

So you were a bit on stage. I was backstage. Okay. So they have a real cute opening where the animals clean up the stage. So the monkey went in. He threw away his litter and bit me on the knee and then went back. Wow. so the monkey went in he threw away his litter and bit me on the knee and then went back into his cage wow and then it was time

for me to come on stage but it was during summer and we were wearing shorts and so they had to pull me aside they were like you were bleeding

from the knee yeah you knew like the show must go on yes so a little show must go on and then

oh just hours of paperwork that I wouldn't sue that's about it. Yeah. Not a shot, not anything. They cleaned it up and they're like, you're probably fine. And look at me today, guys.

Yeah. Doing great. Still alive. But you were, I mean, that's the most glamorous position at the theme park. I think when you're a theme park performer, when you're getting stage time at the theme park, that's when it's serious. Obviously. Earlier when you were saying they probably have a party that nobody's invited to, I was

like, tell me about it. Yeah. I was part of that group. Yeah. Macaroni grill? Yeah, right. We'll be at Olive Garden. Bottomless breadsticks.

Yeah. Yeah. Looks like you are- Keep them coming. Keep them coming. Keep them coming. Yeah. You fucking ticket taker.

Yeah, exactly. Those are the verbatim words I said to everybody. You're right. Fantastic. Okay, so we've had two interesting careers. Theme park performer. Yes. Or as I call it, gorleying.

Great. Then you've got personal trainer. Right. What else has gone down in your professional career? Macaroni singer. Right. Macaroni vocalist. Of course.

Yeah, I did a lot of musicals stuff. Is there anything specific that you're thinking about? They didn't fire you when you went out and sang, you know, a licensed Disney song. Oh, yeah. No, they absolutely did. That's why I did so many jobs. Yes, 100%. The crux of this business is that all of these Italian arias are public domain.

Right. We cannot go around. I literally tried to think of a song from The Little Mermaid, and all I could think of was that song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I want the world. Sure. I don't know why I thought that was in my head. That was filed under Little Mermaid songs.

Yeah, it should be. Yeah. It was probably cut earlier. Yeah, it's a lot of under the sea. Mine was more of a beauty and the beast guy song. Yeah. Huge beauty and the beast. We were nominated for Best Picture, so it's a pretty of under the sea. A lot of part of your world. Beauty and the Beast, guys. Yeah. Huge Beauty and the Beast. We're nominated for Best Picture, so it's pretty serious for us.

You know, anime isn't just for kids. Yeah. Oh. Oh, really? I wouldn't even say kids shouldn't watch it. They certainly shouldn't watch mine. No, yeah. I'm working on an anime.

Okay, yeah. It seems like it's going to be very adult. Oh, absolutely. Okay. Yeah, but it's not like pornographic. Right. But is it in the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion? Yeah, but they don't show dicks in that, so it's different from that.

I think they might. Anyway, I only know a couple of anime things one of them is neon genesis evangelion i think there might be dixon neon genesis evangelion god don't correct me on this gas station tv gas station tv oh no i'm sorry i'm sorry i mentioned anime i'm sorry please don't i know i know it was hard for you listening to hear me say that. I know. Please, at Gas Station TV, that's where you put your corrections. I don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Sorry. All I really know about, I haven't really seen any animes myself except for Totoro. Sure. Which, that's a dick free. You can come with it. Well, Totoro's kind of a dick at first. Sure. Of course.

Well Totoro's kind of a dick at first Sure But I loved I don't have one bad word to say about Totoro Cat bus Yeah that fucking shit is tremendous Rarely do you does something deliver so fully

upon what you would hope and it's promise as that cat bus which is really an incidental part of the film. It's on screen for like four minutes and you're just the whole time. You're like, fuck, I wish once in my life I would think of something as good as cat bus. Just one time,

one morning. And I could remember to write it down. Right. I, I can vet you about anime. I have seen the Miyazaki movies. They're terrific. Uh,

I think like, you know, like our animation, we have our Pixarars that are beautiful works of art. And then we have Scooby-Doo that people like for some reason. Scooby-Doo is a real zero. So the only other anime I've ever seen is this one that I watched probably when I was – I had just heard it was really good and was – you know, grown-ups can like anime too.

It's called Grave of the Fireflies. Oh, boy. It's just about a boy and a girl dying of radiation poisoning. Sure, after Hiroshima, right? Yeah, boy, is it brutal. That's like maybe the single most brutal movie in any genre I've ever seen. Whoa. Is this a feature?

Yes. You get to sit through. You get 90 full minutes of big-eyed children dying. Mm-hmm. And they die in a sad way. It's not even like, it's not like they're just like in a cancer bed. Huh. They're trying to make their way through the world while we can see that they are going to die of radiation poisoning.

It's horrible. But then they get to ride to heaven in the cat bus. There's a note of whimsy. I don't mean to. Worth it. Anyway. And an octopus fucks them on the way. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Okay. Okay. Okay. At Gas Station TV. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, we are supported every week by folks like you who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, especially during the MaxFunDrive, which is right around the corner. Sure is. But we're also supported this week by our friends at HelloFresh, the meal kit delivery service that delivers your favorite recipes and pre-measured ingredients so you can just cook, eat, and enjoy. All the ingredients come pre-measured in handy labeled meal kits

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And of course, Jordan, you know this. I got to putGO30 at HelloFresh.com. And of course, Jordan, you know this. I got the Put This On Shop popping right now. Spring product drops just happened. And you can use the code TUPPIES

for free shipping on almost everything in the United States. Go to PutThisOnShop.com and check it out. Let's get back to the show. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Renee Culver recently decided she wants to ride on Willie Nelson's bus. Yeah. I think we all want to go on that Willie bus, huh? Yeah. That's a magic ride I'd like to take. If only we could hot box the cat bus from my neighbor Totoro. I wanted to mention. Yes.

So you asked me if my whole family went to Legoland. I took my two older children. My wife stayed home with our baby. Right. And we went with some pals and their kids. But my mom came with me. Mm-hmm. And I did not know that this was – when I invited her to come, I knew that it wasn't something that was in her wheelhouse.

Sure. But I wanted to spend some time with these friends in question and I needed an activity to do so that I wouldn't have to talk to my mom for too long. Smart. You know, just something, a third thing going on. Right. going on right and but my mom who is 74 or something 74 i'm gonna say uh my mom had never been to a theme park in her life no that's not true her entire life she was like does children's fairyland in oakland count and i've been to i actually love children's fairyland uh but no it does not count absolutely uh and i was like you had never been to marine world like i definitely went to marine world a couple times and she's like you went there

with the boys club like that was like uh that was like one of those situations where they were serving underprivileged youth by letting them meet an orca yeah so my mom had never been in her life and like i said it was so quiet and so chill. And at one point my mom was sitting there and she said to me completely sincerely, she turned to me and she said, are there this many people at Disneyland? Oh, boy. And I said, mom, it is a rainy day in March in Carlsbad right now. There are way more people at Disneyland. And she went, I'm glad I never went.

Oh, I was going to say, did this break the seal? But it sounds like it just sealed her. No, my mom is not a thrill seeker. Okay, all right. If you're wondering. She's listening to a great letters song, though. But can I make a,

can I offer a recommendation to anyone who heads out to Legoland, California? Sure, yeah. Or any of the Legolands that are in Carlsbad. heads out to Legoland, California? Sure, yeah. Or any of the Legolands that are in Carlsbad. Don't go barefoot, right? I'm sure they do that joke there. I'm sure a million people do that joke there. Wow.

There's like a boat ride tour that's vaguely Jungle Cruise-like. And if you've ever cringed your way through the jungle cruise, do not get on the Lego boat. It goes past some real cool shit made out of Legos. But, oh, boy, are those jokes rough. And they're not even winkingly rough. They're just terrible. Just horrible. In addition for writing for the spinoff of the Lego movie that's on Cartoon Network,

I also have been punching up the Lego Jungle Cruise. So this – There's nowhere to punch but up, my friend. Nowhere to punch but up. Now, are you making it as problematic as the Jungle Cruise? Yes. I wanted to – Upsetting and offensive.

Yeah, I just want it to not age well. And, you know, we try and maybe – but, you know, it's just there. It's in the DNA. So that's what I'm shooting for is something that will. What's interesting is they didn't even have a Lego piece for Spears. And then Jordan insisted they create one so that he could problematize that. Sure. Of course.

It's just what I do. You got to do what you got to do. It's what I do. If you're going to have a cruise, you're going to need natives. Mm-hmm. Sure. It's what I do. You got to do what you got to do. It's what I do. If you're going to have a cruise, you're going to need natives. Sure. What am I supposed to be, racist against the Irish? I can work that in.

Right. Give me a little more time. But yeah, we can make that happen. But it's in Carlsbad, California, home of, past Jordan Jesse Goh subject, tip-top meats. The German delicatessen where they have an enormous meat counter and you point to what you want them to cook you and they charge you the cost of the meat plus $4 for sauerkraut. Oh, boy. I went there. I ate like a king. Like a king.

And I was tortured to my children. Children don't like food from German delicatessen. No, sure. They don't like food from German delicatessen. No, sure. They don't want pickled red cabbage. They don't want spetzel. But boy, do I. Do they try to have a children's menu or no? No, there is absolutely no children's menu.

Although the only thing that saved me, I ordered one grilled cheese and one hot dog. There you go. And to give you a sense of how out of scale this place is, I had a beautiful prime rib dinner that was $14.98, and the hot dog and grilled cheese were both $10, which I don't know how that works. One is subsidizing the other somehow. Like, kids, you want to eat some wet cabbage, right? Yeah.

There you go. So the hot dog was two German wieners on like a Kaiser roll. And my daughter would not even consider touching it. But my son had ordered grilled cheese and he had just got a pile of three grilled cheese sandwiches. So there was plenty for my daughter. So it all worked out in the end. It all worked out, yeah. While I was eating German potato salad until I was physically ill.

Oh, what a dream it is. What a perfect family day. Carlsbad, California. The beauty by the bay, as they call it. The San Diego Carlsbad Bay. Home of caverns. Yeah, you got it. You got it, my friend.

Carlsbad Half Marathon. Oh, yeah. It's a great half marathon. You got it. Okay. When something momentous happens to you, like you get a chance to visit Tip Top Meats in Carlsbad, California, the greatest restaurant in Southern California, please give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, for our segment Momentous Occasions.

That's 206-984-4FUN. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Chris from Northern California. I'm driving. Can you pause it, Brian, real quick? Just so you know, I'm actually from, originally from Northern California. I don't know if you knew that. No.

Wait, when have you mentioned that before? Yeah, so I, do you want me to get back into my yolk material? Yes, please. I miss it so much. Did I poke you enough to do it? Please. So I am from Northern California. If someone calls and says,

hi, I'm calling from Northern California, that specifically means they're a pot farmer in Humboldt. You cracked the code. Yeah. Good. Thank you, Jesse. Go ahead and press play, Brian.

A van, which on the side said, wine tours by Santa. breastplate, Brian. I saw a van which on the side said, Wine Tours by Santa. And there was a big man dressed up as Santa with a big beard

driving it. And I just want you to be aware that it's March. Have a good one, guys. How does he

know that wasn't the real Santa? Yeah, could be. The sign said Santa. They can't just, Santa would sue them if it was a fake Santa and they were advertising that it was Santa. I mean, honestly, when does Santa's production start, do you think? For Christmas. Yeah, like July.

What else is he to do? Yeah. Except for do wine. Yeah, probably July. Off season. Probably when Santa sees a great fireworks display. He's like, it's time. It's time to start making wooden soldiers.

But first, let me get that corn on the cob. Yeah. Throw me another beer. Elf. Elf. Throws him a beer. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to get fucked up with Santa.

That sounds fun. You could be in one of these santa marches oh sure i have been to a santa march oh really yeah where so i went to a sandy santa march in san diego oh wow were you reading a first person uh journalism book about being an asshole yes i was i was a brief i briefly an employee of vice magazine got Got it. And this was someone I was dating, grew up in San Diego, and just has wonderful memories of the Santa Crawl. You don't have to give her a first name, but last name Claus, right? Yes, yeah. Absolutely.

M. Claus. And my only association with the Santa Crawls was like, oh, these are the things that like ruin the places they're in. Yeah. This is why they have to grease up the polls. Exactly. Yes. Right. It's a I mean, I guess if for some reason you're unfamiliar with this, it's a, you know, a thing that happens in big cities. I don't think L.A. has one, but like San Francisco has one. New York has one. I'm sure Boston does. And San Diego has one. New York has one. I'm sure Boston does. Yeah. And San Diego has one. And, you know, it's a thing where the town's drunkest assholes all dress in Christmas shit and do a bar crawl. Right.

But this was, I mean, this. It's like a less racist Cinco de Mayo. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Although I think personally, I don't, I don't like that they are presenting that character of jolly old elves. Yeah. You're right. Also, you call it Cinco de Drinco.

I do call it Cinco de Drinco. Yeah. Were you made to dress up for this? No. So I did not dress up. And yeah. And I think that the dress up, you know, it was maybe half dressed up, half just, you know. And buck naked with a little mistletoe over your privates.

It was a different time. Yeah. And yeah. And so this was something that I was like – I didn't want to go to because – I mean like I don't know anybody. I mean I like to have a drink but I don't want to be responsible for the thing that ruins the neighborhood right you know uh so yeah i mean it's and it starts at you know it starts at 8 a.m at a you know at one of san diego's 30 000 fake irish bars of course of course and you know and i'm there i'm like okay i'm doing this a little bit loud loud santa dudes sexy elves sexy reindeer sexy santas everybody and you know and i'm like huh this fucking sucks this fucking sucks Loud Santa dudes. Sexy elves. Sexy reindeer. Sexy Santas. Everybody.

And, you know, and I'm like, this fucking sucks. This fucking sucks. But then you just have two car bombs and it's great. And you're like, yeah! Merry Christmas, motherfuckers! So I think you just, like, you know, you just get so immediately drunk that that common sense thing of maybe I shouldn't do this just goes out the window. You just become overwhelmed by the Christmas spirit. Exactly.

Yeah. The spirit of giving. Mm-hmm. And love. Sure. Absolutely. And Christ. Yes.

First and foremost, Christ. Of course. Thank you. Jesus Christ. That's the one. Is this where we pray in the podcast? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Yes. We have a, yeah. Just a quick prayer. How many bars did you hit? Oh, boy. I don't remember. This was a while ago. So, yeah.

It was like, you know, it was a day. It was from, you know, 8 a.m. to 8 a.m. 24 hours. Pure assholery. Yeah. Like as depicted in the movie 24-Hour Party People. Yeah, exactly. I've never seen it, but I assume that's what it's about.

It's about Santa Khan in San Diego. It's about the guys from Joy Division. Yeah. Doing Santa Khan in San Diego. How many days after were you still finding Santa beard various places on your body? Sure. Yes, I did let a Santa eat my ass. It would be weird to say no.

Yeah. In the Christmas season. No. To Santa. I had put the mistletoe there. It's on you. It was a different time. I get it.

It was a different time. Mistletoe was more freely available. Sure. Yeah. You didn't need a prescription for it. Okay. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jessica, and guests.

This is Henry from Bellingham, and I was calling on my momentous occasion. I just drove all the way across town with my favorite vintage Deming logging show coffee cup from the 1970s on top of my car, and it didn't break. I probably drove two miles up some hills, stop signs, trying to drive around students. Very happy. Hope you guys have a good day.

Bye-bye. What kind of Demi Lovato? I don't know. I don't – yeah. Sounds cool. Yeah. A nice vintage Demi Lovato mug from the 70s. Now, where's he from?

Hard to say. Probably a pot farmer in Humboldt. Bellingham. Bellingham. Bellingham, Washington. That's the Humboldt of Washington. Speed limit two miles? How did that happen?

Have you guys ever had that thing happen where somebody has something on top of their car and you try and get their attention to help them, but then it was a prank? Oh, no. People prank that? Oh, they like glue something to the top of their car. I have not. I know that that happens, but it's never happened to me. That happened to me one time.

And I was like, okay, I mean, I guess you got me. You caught me trying to help you. Yeah. Motherfucker. Yeah. And made driving a little more dangerous. Yeah. That's a weird prank.

I don't like that. Yeah, I'm not nuts about it. It's a baby seat with a baby on it. Right, yeah. Because they do. They do weird pranks. Was this in LA? This was in Los Angeles, yeah. Because they do. They do weird pranks. Was this in L.A.? This was in Los Angeles, yeah.

Because they do weird pranks. When I was – I just moved back from New York and I got into my car and there was a steering wheel cover and a baby seat in the back. And I was like, it's fucking weird, but I guess I'm back in L.A. I got in the wrong car. But I was pretty sure that that was one of the new things they were doing. Just fixing baby seats. Yeah. Putting a baby seats. Yeah. Putting a baby seat and a steering wheel cover on it.

Point is. My mom was telling me this morning, she's visiting from out of town, which is why she went to Legoland with us. She had rented a car. She flew down here and rented a car. And she told me, this car is nutso. And I'm like, what kind of car is my mom driving? Toyota Corolla.

Wow. She can't handle it, huh? My mom can't take the heat. She's got to get out of the Toyota Corolla kitchen. Nice. I'm in a rental car. Camry or nothing or something. I'm in a rental car these days.

I got rear-ended a couple of days ago. I'm fine. I'm glad. I got a sweet Nissan Versa. Oh, yeah. It's not a bad vehicle. It's nutso. It's nutso. It's nutso.

I think it's nutso. Yeah. You out there racing for pinks? Racing for pinks? Yeah. What does that mean? Sure. I'm with you, Jesse, but why?

Oh, sure. Is that another? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I thought that was another Philadelphia sex move. You got to grease the pole and race the pigs. It's not a bad wiener.

No, uh-uh. Actually, yeah, it is a bad wiener. It's a bad wiener. It's real bad. It's weird. It squeaks for some reason. I don't like it. Yeah.

If something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. 206-984-4FUN. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Worried about the upcoming inevitable nuclear war? Or maybe a rat is living in your house? There's a rat living in my house. How do you get rid of a rat from a house? Why not immerse yourself in a completely fictional, imagined podcast for the beef and dairy industries? It works for me. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the number one podcast for those involved,

or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Don't worry, it's funnier than it sounds. Find us at beefanddairynetwork.com or maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts from. Oh God, there's funnier than it sounds. Find us at beefanddairynetwork.com or maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts from. Oh, God, there's the rat. Oh, God.

I'm Darcy, and I love Lady to Lady. My name is Alan, and I love Jordan Jassico. I really like Lady Problems because it's such a sweet segment. Jordan talked about his Zoom for 30 minutes and I never stopped listening and I listened to every backlog episode from there. It's like hanging out with great girlfriends. I'm smiling talking about it. Listening to Jordan Jessico until I hit my first maxDrive, what made me realize how important it was to become a donor to programs that I love. These are listeners just like you, and they support Lady2Lady and Jordan Jesse Goh with a MaxFun membership. The 2018 MaxFunDrive is April 2nd through 13th, and if

you want to support your favorite shows too, it's the best time to sign up or upgrade your membership just tune in starting april 2nd and we'll give you all the details thank you very much loth reaper yeah one of our one of our most beloved and loyal listeners, really active over there on the MaxFun Reddit. I noticed that Lawthreaper signed up for Twitter, which I hadn't seen him much on Twitter in the past, I think. I mostly had seen him on Reddit. And his Twitter handle is Lawthreaper, and I got worried that I bullied him into it. I think he loves it. He's at least as big as me. He's also a big man, not unlike me. I think he loves it. He's at least as big as me.

He's also a big man, not unlike me. I think he could take me. Yeah, if it comes to that. Yeah, so hey, thank you very much to Alan Lothreeper and to everybody who's going to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate during

the MaxFunDrive. Yeah, that's how we keep the lights on here and we are so grateful to every single listener who supports the show. the MaxFunDrive. Yeah, that's how we keep the lights on here, and we are so grateful to every single listener who supports the show. The MaxFunDrive starts the 2nd, ends the 13th. There's going to be a MaxFun meetup day. Yeah. That's going to be really cool. There's going to be, of course, your show with John Hodgman, Shooting the Breeze.

Mm-hmm. There's going to be a live streaming show at the end of the pledge drive on the 13th that we're both going to be in. Yeah. Jordan, you've been threatening to do some borderline dangerous drinking. Yes. Yeah. There's going to be some ill-advised stunt drinking as part of this live stream because we really want to make the Max Fun Drive memorable by dying. Yeah.

So it's going to be a ton of fun. We got special episodes, special bonus episodes for donors. It really is, I don't know, for me, Jordan, I don't know about for you, but for me, the MaxFunDrive is a magical time of year. It totally is. It's like so amazing because it is the time when, in a way,

people feel like they have permission to reach out and tell us why they care about the work that we do. And it's very touching for me as a person who creates a very dumb thing with his friend from college to hear about that stuff. And so I always look forward to it. And I hope we make content that's good enough that you look forward to it too. Yeah, thank you so much. We really, really appreciate the people who support this show. And, yeah, it is an awesome time of year.

I always like the MaxFunDrive because it's nice to hear from people who like this thing that, by all accounts, should not exist. April 2nd through 13th. Okay. Let's get back to the show. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Renee Colbert, racing for those pinks.

Racing for pinks. Like they do in Philly, baby. Sure. Have a hoagie and race for the pinks. Pink's racing. You guys can't see, but I'm punching some meat in a locker. Frozen locker. You know can't see but I'm punching some meat in a locker. Frozen locker. You know, a frozen locker?

Yeah, a frozen locker. Did you see the Oscar winning movie, The Frozen Locker? I did, yes. Very suspenseful. One of our finest directors. We've all seen this movie. You don't have to describe this movie.

We've all seen. A lot going on in have to describe this movie we've all seen. A lot going on in this story. Renee Colvert, you're the co-host of the Can I Pet Your Dog podcast. Can people find that as part of the Maximum Fun Network? I believe they can. Would you recommend that they do so? I would. Please come listen to our... Well, if you like dogs.

If you don't like dogs, you can probably buy pets. Have you guys gotten any negative iTunes reviews from people who don't like dogs, you can probably buy pets. Have you guys gotten any negative iTunes reviews from people who don't like dogs? No. Not crazy about the subject matter. Fun hosts wish they were talking about something else. Lizards, question mark? Boy, yeah.

What a bad thing to do to recommend, hey, trolls, come get me, but I want that review now. Yeah. It is. Talk about dogs too much. But don't actually do that, though. Okay, yeah, please don't. But review the podcast of Gas Station TV. Yeah.

Yes. God, I'd love to start a Gas Station TV podcast. Hit us up, Gas Station TV. Come on. We're plugging you every week. Some of the hottest entertainment clips. Mm-hmm. News about bargains on hot dogs.

Yeah, sure. Everything you need. Everything you need from an entertainment network. Well, I'd like to see animals clean up after themselves. Obviously. That might be fun, sure. Watch out for those monkey bites, though. A fair point.

A fair point, Jordan. Can I ask you one question before you go? I would love nothing more. What's the best pet you've ever had besides a dog? Jesse, that doesn't exist. A dog. Always a dog. No, I'm lying to you.

I had a chinchilla named Vinny. You had a chinch? Yeah. Chinch named Vin? Is that right? Yeah. I should have said it like that. I'm forgiving.

May I do it again? I had a chinch named Vin. Oh, wow. When was this? This was, gosh, 2004. Oh, right after 9-11. How else am I going to get by? Yeah.

9-11 world. Well, you know, irony is dead. Let's just get a chinchilla and name it Vinny. I want to get a soft pet that doesn't like people. They don't like people. But have you seen these dust baths that they do? No. Yeah, Chinchillas, they every day.

Like a hamster. Hamsters do that. Do they really? Yeah. Oh, I should have gotten a hamster. But you don't usually have dust in a hamster enclosure. Right. So they can't do it.

Right. But you have dust in a, you got a dirt area? Yeah, you got a, well, listen, I maybe used a bread tin. Mm-hmm. He made it work. And, yeah, they just roll around in that dust. Do you have to get special – what are chinchillas? South American?

Yeah, very good. You got to get some South American dirt or is it standard American dirt? You go get that chinchilla dirt at PetSmart. Got it. Go to the dirt section. They're so fucking smart. They know exactly what dirt to use for a chinch. They know everything over there.

A chinchilla is a spectacularly soft animal. Oh, they're amazing. But you're right. They're not friendly. And they're nocturnal too, right? Aren't they? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Dust baths all night long. Why are we adopting nocturnal animals? Sure. To guard us while we sleep. Yeah. In case we become a meth head. Sure. You never know. You want someone who's also going to be up. Hooked on crank?

Try hamsters. You've got to plan for these things. Sure. Dealers should include that, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. Listen, you're going to get hooked. It's going to ruin your life, but you get a chinchilla. It's a lot of fun. Rodenstone. I don't know if they're going to give you a chinchilla. I mean, a chinchilla is like 60 bucks. Good point. I think they're going to stick with a hamster. Right. How

much does a hamster go for? They give you a dollar to take it. Yeah. Because it's such a bad pet. Okay. That's all right. So Can I Pet Your Dog is the name of your podcast with our friend Allegra Ringo. And the two of you are talking about dog matters. Yes. Dog breeds. Dog owners. Dogs we met this week. Dogs you met this week. Celebrity dogs. Yes. Everything. Celebrity dog owners. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yes. Yeah, all about

his dog, Toby. I just talked with your friend and mine, I say to both of you, Andrew W. K. Sure. Who sent his fond regards to both of you. Sure. And we were talking about what a great time Andrew WK had on your dog. He was so great. Yeah, he's the best.

Would you believe that Andrew WK is so great with dogs as well? I believe it. I believe it. Can you believe it? I believe it. There's a stunner. Next thing you know, you're going to tell me kids like him. I know.

It's astonishing. I know. Listen, stick with me. I'll blow your mind. Yeah, a chinch. Did the chinch like you? Oh, no. Absolutely not.

I wished I could have a chinch because they're so beautiful and fascinating and they're so soft. Yeah. But they also, everyone would always say they are bad pets and shouldn't be allowed to be pets. Well, no, I don't think it's on them. Listen, they're- They should be allowed to be wild creatures. Precisely. I put them think it's on them. Listen, they're... They should be allowed to be wild creatures. Precisely. I put them in a cage.

Like Misty of Chincoteague. Yeah. But then also, I'm a lot. So that poor thing had to just, just every waking moment, just my face in there saying, take a bath. Oh, like you were,

what was that thing that you said you were good at showing emotion? Sure. Demonstrating personality? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly... There's two things I said you were good at showing emotion? Sure. Demonstrating personality. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. There's two things I'm not very good at.

I've got to tell you. Disagree. Disagree. You're great. But you were just demonstrating personality to it all the time. That's it. Just a lot of, yeah. A lot of show tunes.

Showmanship. Yeah. Sure. It was like, mom, can we do this an hour a day? Right. Just a minimum. Bare minimum. Yeah.

Got it. And then just insistent that we become friends. It never worked, but I was relentless. Yeah. Maximumfun.reddit.com is where you can talk about this show. There's also a Facebook MaxFun group. Hashtag it. JJ Go on Twitter where – I I gotta tell you this, Jordan.

The memes have never been danker. Very dank meme. You would think that these memes would run out. You'd think that this faucet would have run dry by now. Online Willie Nelson tour bus. It is spectacular. There was one

where for some reason I was kicking you in the nuts. I was Bobby Hill and you were the guy that Bobby Hill kicks in the nuts when he's taking the women's self-defense course. And I honestly that one made me feel bad. Sure. I was like, why am I kicking

Jordan in the nuts? What's the premise? What's the premise here? We get along well. We've been doing this for 20 years. Now, what face did they use for Jordan? Was he handling it well? Was he enjoying himself? No, he didn't care for it.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I have to say that one did have a lot of, I would say the real, the best work was there was one that was based on the steamed ham scene from The Simpsons. based on the steamed hams scene from The Simpsons. And while I, again, was not clear on exactly what the premise of that one was.

So steamed hams is a thing on the internet. So people do steamed hams but it's. So they take that scene from The Simpsons where the superintendent Chalmers comes and has dinner. Principal Skinner's house. Yeah. So they take that and it's steamed hams but it's and then you apply another genre to it it's usually pretty specific video game stuff there's a pretty good

steamed hams but it's Metal Gear Solid I'm doing an urban reboot of steamed hams with Mark Curry so yeah but I mean someone did steamed hams but but it's JJ Go. What I liked about that one the most was they had either photoshopped or done a lot of Google image searching to find photographs of us looking the right direction for all the places where they replaced. They had done a poor job replacing the heads. Right. It was a very slapdash operation except for that they had preserved the sight line spectacularly well.

I mean, there's sight line nerds out there. Stunningly. Very good meme. Very good meme. Stunningly, stunningly well. So hashtag it JJ Go. You don't have to post a meme. You could just get in there and sip on the dank, you know?

Sure. Why not? If you like Jordan and Jesse, go on Facebook, too. We post a lot of those there, and they've been doing very well, much better than episodes of our show. Sure. They're like, I'm not going to listen to this thing. Renee, not that you would know anything about Facebook popularity that has distressingly little to do with your hard work.

We have such a big Facebook group. And then daily, they're like, wait, there's a podcast? At least once a day. From the popular Facebook group. Yeah. I think we should flip that. I think that's the way to do it. There you go.

Stop concentrating on this bullshit. Yeah. Just start tending the garden that is the Facebook page. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez on the boards for this week's program. Our gratitude to him, as always, for engineering our show, producing our show, and confusing new listeners by laughing so loud that it pierces the wall of the recording studio. That's it. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.

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