Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 525: Hairy Teen Stanton with Griffin McElroy

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

Griffin McElroy joins Jordan and Jesse for a very special MaxFunDrive episode!  They get deep into adolescent confusions like when you should start shaving and the undiscussed phenomena of bumps under your nipples, the majesty and the fear that the Grand Canyon inspires, and the mystery behind the vampiric existence of Count from Sesame Street.   If you want to be a part of the amazing group of people who support Jordan, Jesse, Go! head over to MaximumFun.org/Donate!  Now is the best time to join or upgrade!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm going to be frank with you, Jordan. For several months, we had a running bit on the program where because this show isn't about anything or for anyone, we would claim that it was about something or for someone. Oh, what a bit it was. It was.

What a bit. I'm remembering it fondly just now. Not only because it was such a successful bit, but it having done it for several months has led to me not remembering how we started the show before. Yeah. I mean, I think it went a little something like this. Snap, snap, snap. When you're a jet, you're a jet. Yes, right.

We would sing the entirety of the West Side Story. It's amazing we haven't gotten sued yet. Yeah, it is. But, you know, I think it's because ultimately it's fair use because we're commenting on it. Yeah, we're providing humorous commentary on the shark jet feud. Yeah. Ripped this country apart. Or at least commentary.

Sure. Yeah, I mean, I think we just started chatting. Really? Yeah. What do we do on this show, actually? Chat. Wow. Yeah. What do we do on this show actually? Chat. Wow. Yeah. When you say it that way it does not seem like something that people

would enjoy listening to. Yeah. Because I mean you could just sit on the bus. Sure, lots of chatting going on there. Where are you getting off? How do you like the new tokens? Exactly. A lot of token talk. A lot of token talk. Tap cards. Are they here to stay? You know what I love to do? Token of token talk. A lot of token talk. Tap cards, are they here to stay?

You know what I love to do? Token and token talk. Yeah. Oh, so you like to take a hearty bong rip. Yeah. And then talk tokes while you toke. Yeah, I'll pull a fatty bong rip. Sure.

And then I talk tokens. Nice. The new one's bigger. It's octagonal. It's got a hole in the middle like Chinese coins. Sure. And then you try and remember something you saw on Family Guy. Yeah, pretty much.

Should we introduce our guest on this week's program? I would love to. Oh, well. Jordan, today is a very auspicious day on Jordan Jessico. Is it the baby from Family Guy? Ladies and gentlemen. Stewie Griffin. I'm going to kill my mom with a gun.

What? It's too outrageous for me. I can't handle it. But wait a minute. I pooped in my diaper like a baby does. It's both things. Hold on. You were saying something a baby wouldn't do earlier.

Why isn't your head in normal shape? That's just me. That's just my fucking head man sure it's like ancient my own royalty would would put presses presses on baby skulls yeah to shape them into a pointy conical shape which was considered attractive and then they'd get and then they get super bong high and just laugh and laugh and laugh. Our guest from the smash hit podcast, wonderful My Brother, My Brother and Me and the Adventure Zone is one Griffin McElroy, who on this Jordan Jesse Go program is joining us all the way from his home in Austin, Texas at the Texas Statehouse. Oh, lovely. It's true.

It's me. It's my old pal Dick, which is what I call Rick Perry. You don't call him DP. We're hanging out here and just having a really great time talking about

some of the great legislation they got coming up. And boy, howdy, it's just a lot. Just a lot of stuff. Hey, Griffin. Put Dick on. Put Dick on. Is Dick there? Okay, here. Hold on. up and boy howdy it's just a lot just a lot of stuff hey griffin put dick on put dick on stick there okay okay here yeah hold on hand him the phone now i got my glasses on for my uh smart persona that i'm gonna do and so that's some of the political commentary we do on my brother my brother and me um wow that was really i felt like it was incisive, raw, and no holds barred. And that's legally why you guys can sing the entirety of Phantom of the Opera, right?

Yeah. We actually got clearance on, like, you clowns and your West Side Story IP theft, and you have been reported. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. We had a good run. Yeah, I've been wearing a wire for eight years. It's been the longest sort of undercover operation. Check out Donnie Brasco over there with the long game.

Well, hey, you know what? I'm not glad that I'm going to jail. Yeah. But, you know, you put in the work and you deserve it. Thank you for all you do. I always knew that if I went down, I would go down like Avon Barksdale. Can I pull my shirt down now? I've pulled it up to show you the wire, and now it's getting kind of uncomfortable.

I'm just a boy standing here with his torso exposed to the world. I'm just going to get a quick look at those nips, and you can put it down. Are you sure? Take your time. Okay. One, one thousand. And here they go. Oh, those were nice.

Back in their, back in their shirt house. Those were nice. Griffin, I've always known you were a great- Night night nips. I always knew you were a great podcaster, but I'm grateful to know about those nice nips. Yep. They help me. They give me strength for the podcasting.

They let me know, they let me know when I'm being funny. They let me know when a bit's going well. You get a little tingle. I get a tingle. I get a tingle in one of them. I'm like, uh-oh, say yes. We're getting close to a great bit. And so just to be clear, they have not tingled once so far.

Oh, no, not even a little bit. You know, I can know what you're talking about. When one of our bits is going well, I feel a little strain in my taint. Oh, that's nice. It's uncomfortable, but it gets the message across. Anytime anything is going well for us, my underarm hairs get uncomfortably hot.

The hair gets hot. The hair gets hot. Yeah, the actual hair gets hot. I have to lift my elbow. It's a hot hair. Yeah, I gotta lift my elbow to let some air in there. So, my hope and expectation is that there are close to zero adolescent people listening to this program. Yeah.

God willing. It doesn't seem appropriate. But then again, I know for a fact that there are people listening to this program. And frankly, it isn't appropriate for anyone. There's no reason to listen to it. So there may be some adolescent people here. And I've already turned my chair backwards. So I think I'm going to need to offer a little bit of straight talk for teens.

I mean, you might as well. You turned around the chair. Yeah. I had the experience, and I don't know if any of you have had the experience, either listening at home or here on this program. When I became an adolescent, my nipples became uncomfortably sensitive and also developed weird lumps underneath them. Yeah.

This was not something that was covered in any of the many sex ed you're becoming an adult classes that I took in school, nor was it covered in any of the many controversially explicit young adult novels by Judy Blume, et cetera, that I read during and before my adolescence. It was not covered in Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret. And I have these wild bumps. It's God, while I got you, I got these bumps. Hey, Big G. And I mean, I guess it's possible that teens today can just type nipple bumps into Snapchat or whatever.

And they'll find out that that doesn't mean they're dying of nipple cancer. But it was a secret shame that I held from the ages of, I'm going to say, 12 to 15, something like that. I don't know, maybe 11 to 14, that really distressed me. I was certain that there was something horribly wrong with me. You thought they were too sensitive. They were too sensitive, but the weird little lumps underneath was the deepest concern. I knew that parts of your body became too sensitive, such as the penis. However.

For instance. However, I did not know this nurple information. Yeah. And I didn't know that I didn't have cancer that spontaneously went into remission until I was in my mid-20s and somebody said to me, you know what they never told me about adolescence? Sometimes you get weird lumps under your nipples and you don't have nipple cancer. You know, there is a, it's funny you mentioned Judy Blume. Yeah. I'm a big Blume scholar.

Sure. And there is an unreleased sequel to Superfudge. Hmm. Well, I guess unreleased is not the right word. It came out in Canada where they're a little less puritanical. Right. So Americans would know Superfudge. They would know Fudge-a-mania. Sure.

They would know- One in the middle is the green kangaroo, which is part of the larger fudge-a-verse. Right. Otherwise known as Sheila the Great. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Where an adult super fudge learns that men might feel a little bashful about how sensitive their nipples are. But they shouldn't be. It can be an important part of an erotic experience. That's a really good point. Yeah. I guess I see why it didn't come out in America.

Right. But they ate it up in Canada. Yeah. I am taking so much away from this conversation because I'm 30 and my whole life. much away from this conversation because I'm 30 and my whole life, I mean, I learned when I was five at Southern Baptist Sunday school that the lumps were the, the sin trying to get out of my body,

having hard time lactating the sin directly out through normal means. And it kind of gets clogged, clogs up the ducts. Right. Um, you were trying to do a sort of, you were trying to do a manual expression. Trying to, but the problem is it felt so dang good. It felt great.

Trying to milk out that sin. And that just made more sin. The more I tried to manually express the sin from my bosom and failed, but it felt so good and I enjoyed how good it felt. More sin, more sin, more sin, more sin. You know, I had a, you know, I had a, not unlike yours, maybe a similar, but a little more regional religious upbringing. It's a little more evangelical. And they told me that when my nipples tingled, it was Satan trying to convince me to watch Beavis and Butthead. And it worked. I feel that tingle and I just want to watch Beavis.

That Mike Judge knows how to get a nipple hard. Oh, boy. I'll tell you one thing. He sure does. With his flat affect. God, nothing gets me harder than a flat affect. He's the king of my hills, if you know what I'm saying. He's the king of two little hills.

Well, they're quite large. Yes, I know. I've seen them when you presented your tape recorder right i forgot uh did you guys in in all sincerity did you guys suffer through any unusual uh adolescent slash pubescent uh discomforts or confusions or do you feel like you were well prepared by the combination of parental lectures and your school experiences. God, not well prepared at all. I just kind of learned not just to stop asking.

It wasn't like I was poking and prodding curiously. I was just like, things were changing, and I was just like, I just, I've got way too much on my plate right now. I'm like 11 Pokemon shy of completing the Pokedex. I do not have time for you right now, Nipple. Sure. I got a Geodude to deal with.

I mean, that's basic shit. I've had a Geodude for a while, but I understand the joke you're trying to make. It's just like Geodude's little kid shit. Let me push this. So, Griffin, before we continue with this podcast, I just want to sync up with you on something real quick. Okay. All right. I know the names of Pokemon. I do not know much else about Pokemon.

So I will probably make a joke like the one I just did where I just needed a name, and I picked one that I thought was funny. Geo. I'll sit here seething in silence in the future, and I won't correct you, but I'm just saying it would – you knew who you were going to fucking have on tonight. No, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You know, and you convinced me.

This is my bad. I was wrong when I said Geodude. What should I have said? I mean, you know, Kangaskhan's a tough one to come by. Can we take that again from the top so you what oh yeah what we were doing was like you're like oh i'm my body is changing i have a lot of yeah sure sure sure yeah my body is changing i just didn't ask any questions because i was too busy catching pokemon and there were some really hard ones to catch yeah you had to catch a snorlax fuck i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry you know let's just yeah brian can you change it in post?

Change it to the right Pokemon. Change it to a Pokemon that you don't have to catch while playing the critical path of the game that you're forced to catch, in a way. Brian, if you can just find one and do any amount of Pokemon research... Griffin, can you give me any notes on the Pokemon that I was going to bring up?

Yeah, sure, hit me. Let's take Pokemon that I was going to bring up? Yeah, sure. Hit me. Okay. Let's take it over. And instead of Jordan saying a Pokemon, I'll say one. So you go ahead, Griffin. Okay. But let me just say, like, don't say Bulbasaur.

That's like the first Pokemon you get. Rattata. That's like, again, little kid shit. Okay. All right. It's not either of those. Rapidash. Sorry.

Okay. Go ahead. Now, Rapidash, you could have done. Okay. Yeah, I was you could have done. Okay. Yeah, I was too busy catching Pokemon to pay attention to my nipples or whatever the joke was. You know, adolescence is a tough time. Your body is changing. You've just evolved into a Squirtle.

Oh, boy. Okay, I know that's not right. I know that's not right. Okay. Is there anything? Yeah. I'm not even going to dignify that man yeah uh i should mention that squirtle is the only pokemon i know you picked a not bad it's not bad to be the only pokemon you know it's just you've brought

shame on the podcast again yeah well you know it's kind of my steez i don't know why okay so here's what here's what i think we've been doing has been a bad business move this is a one of our max fun drive episodes we're a little later in the show we're going to try and convince people to to donate to maximum fun and here we do an entire segment taunting them i don't think most max fun listeners know much about pokemon no you're probably right misjudge your audience there anyway time to shit on steampunk. In terms of adolescent confusions, I have a very distinct one in my mind. On the bus, people laughing at the number 69.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And I asked, and I wondered what they, I asked just what they meant. I did not know why they were laughing. I didn't know it was a sex thing. And then they're like, hey, man, just look at it. And not, like maybe it's a magic eye thing where like they would connect in such a way. My original thought was that it looks like boobs. Did you write it on the construction paper with one of those super big pencils? Yes.

And then it just turned into a, and then it just turned into a all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I just drew 69s on every piece of construction paper I could find and taped them up around the room. And then put strings going from them like I was trying to catch a serial killer. You had all the clues. You could have saved them. Did you have a conversation with your pastor about it at some point?

Mm-hmm. We've got some concerns about Jordan. Sure. And he's like, you know what the kids were laughing about? It was just jeremiah book six verse nine you got to be careful making 69 and 420 jokes on the podcast because we apparently have done that quite a bit and now we get tweets probably five or six a day from well-intentioned folks who have seen that number and let us know about it and numbers occur pretty frequently out in the wild

like 69 you're gonna come across a lot more than you than you think you sure um scores in basketball games especially if it's 69 69 forget about it that's my whole fucking night at that point yeah there are people which makes me think there's people who watch basketball games just waiting for the score to get tied up at that great sexual number just to let me know about it uh and i mean you can't you can't hardly order anything off the del taco value menu that's true seeing the number 69 i've been watching basketball i watch so many basketball games waiting for the score to be 420 sure and. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. That's Michael Jordan, game six.

He got 240 dunks that game. Wait, I know I did that wrong. Shit, 210 dunks that game. He got 240. He scored 480 points, but at one point the score was 420. Yeah, hell yeah. They lost. Isn't that wild wild they lost that

game what what were your biggest what were your biggest adolescent issues oh man um i mean having two older brothers didn't leave me many adolescent issues to sort of call my own um i was convinced that i needed to shave long before i actually did and i think that was me just making a land grab for everybody at everybody who ever went to high school had a hairy boy in high school who like uh for us it was a guy named colin a full, beautiful, like, he's an adult, like, orthodontist who was doing a sting operation in high school, full, beautiful beard. And I think I wanted to be hairy boy, but it's never, I'm trying to grow a beard now and it's not working. And I've got, you know, it's been many years since I've been in high school.

I mean, I think generally, if you're an adolescent boy, your choices are either to shave too early slash too much or to not shave despite desperately needing to shave. Right? I mean, I don't think there's a happy medium amount of shaving for a 14-year-old or a 15-year-old. You know, it's so funny you mentioned the high school hairy boy. Our high school hairy boy turned out to be a teen wolf. Man, we cleaned up in basketball that year though. Yeah. Well, I remember that game that you- Yeah, four to 20. 20 to four, I guess we won. But I was definitely a wait too long to shave. I think I was scared of it and did not have a helpful dad around to help.

I remember going to the store with my mom and getting the Gillette razor and the most masculine can of shaving foam they had. Oh, maybe it was a gel. I think it was a gel. I think we were. It's gotta be a gel. We were adolescents in the gel era.

Yeah, so it was like, you know, and I think that kind of like, the aesthetic that would become Axe body spray was kind of like creeping into the world of personal products. Yeah. It was more translucent green at the time. Absolutely. And yeah. And I think my mom, you know, I think my mom knew that dad was not going to do it and like i remember a really embarrassing trip to like the longs drug store to get like super hyped up masculine shaving stuff that i think i was afraid of i was definitely afraid

i would hurt myself with it or that some foam would get in my eye uh and then like and also just kind of having you know mom who was a very helpful great parent and just thinking the whole time you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You don't. I mean, what is a mom's shave? I don't know. Anyway. Jordan, were you? Okay. So I think our current statuses are misleading.

I have a pretty sizable beard, but it grows out of a relatively small number of facial follicles. Whereas you have denser facial hair, I think, than I do. Were you to grow a beard, you would grow a much more impressive beard than I. I'm reasonably her suit in the body. I think we're probably similarly her suit in the body. Were you a hairy teen as well, or is this something that came to you later in life? Was I a hairy teen? Yeah, I think I was a hairy teen.

Yeah, a hairy teen Stanton. A real hairy teen Stanton. I was good in everything. Yeah, I have never grown a beard. My face gets too itchy, which I'm told you have to push through. Right. And maybe if I just moisturized or whatever. Too much work.

Yuck. No thanks. Ooh, yuck. Moisture. Ooh, I can't even say the word moist. Ooh, it grosses me out. Ooh, cilantro tastes like soap. Anyway. moisture. I can't even say the word moist. It grosses me out. Cilantro tastes like soap.

Anyway. God, you mentioned Axe, and I guess that also counts as pubescent bad times because I definitely had an Axe phase, and before that, I had- Hey, dude, what was your scent? What was your Axe? Urban Assault? Was it Summertime Dick summertime dick slap it was gun

metal stink it smelled like this no but before axe i don't know if you guys remember there was a spray called bod which had the commercials that was just like a a bunch of women fawning over sort of ripped dudes so saying i want your bod over and over again. Hot bod. Tight bod. Yeah, this came in a Windex bottle, and it was blue, which is a lot to sort of unpack there. But it was so bad, and it stank so bad, and you would put it on, and because it's just not even an aerosol spray, it was just like a Windex spray,

you would not only stink like the dickens you would also be pretty wet you would be pretty wet from the fluid you just sprayed all over yourself shirt sticking to pubescent skin just wet what's surprising about bod is it came in that windex blue and it actually wasn't windex it was 409 yeah sure so it's good for what good for what i owed it actually wasn't Windex. It was 409. Yeah. Sure. It's good for what I owed you. It wasn't. It was fucking terrible. Whereas I think maybe my mom did some good-natured misleading in the shaving department.

My first deodorant was an unscented Mitchum roll-on, and it's still what I use today. That's nice. Wow. Yeah. I went through a brief period where I used a rock. You know these deodorant rock? No. Are you serious? Is this a stone soup situation where your village convinced you that the rock will take

the stink away? you that the rock the rock will take the stink away well the thing is is i think that uh my mom generally shopped at the natural food store that was the closest grocery store to our house um shout out to rainbow grocery and i think it is less a uh it is like a stone soup situation if you could buy a stone for stone soup at the natural food store. Like it is a – it looks a little bit like those – you know those like salt crystal lamps? Yeah, sure. That people believe give them good vibes? Mm-hmm.

It's like a smaller version of that in a round deodorant container. Like with the twist bottom to push it up and stuff. But you just rub the rock under your arms and that way you have done nothing. Sure. The blood produced provides a sort of anti-stink barrier. Right. Yeah, it's moderately bladed, I would say. Not densely bladed, but.

No. Mm-hmm. I would say. Not densely bladed, but. No. I definitely at some point I remember my eighth grade girlfriend, Lauren. I'm using girlfriend very liberally here. But my eighth grade girlfriend, Lauren. What are we talking?

Hold hands at the bowling alley? We definitely made out a couple times. Cool. I would say that. Nice, dude. Yeah, bro. That's the bod i'm spray i spray bod hot bod i would say the extent of our relationship was we made out a couple times

and then i called her house too many times sure um but i remember her asking me at some point if i knew what a blow job was i I said yes, but I did not. I mean, in retrospect, I guess I wish I had. I don't know what that meant at the time, but no, I did not. It's a shame you couldn't have synced up with Jordan at that point, gone to his 69 board, because I bet he had somehow touched on, he had accidentally stumbled on the idea of what a blowjob was at that point because of these two blessed numbers. Yeah.

It's like how penicillin was accidentally discovered. Right. You had figured out what a blowjob was after leaving out a piece of moldy bread? Mm-hmm. Got it. I remember when the blowjob riddle was solved i think they're like 69 a blow job was one of those things that you kind of knew was a dirty sex thing but maybe didn't exactly know what it was and i remember being at a friend's house it's the plotkin shout out to the plotkins joe what's up plotkins

we see y'all and the thanks for teaching me what getting your dick sucked meant. What are you talking about? I've been getting it wet for years. Two, to be exact. By the way, people right now are tweeting at us pictures of 409 occurring in the wild. Oh, good. And I remember us kind of laughing at it, and the dad of the Plotkins was like quintessential fun dad. He was Halloween display in the garage dad, dressed up as Dracula.

He was alcoholic dad. He was an alcoholic, sure. Selling heroin at the public park. And he kind of heard us and he walked over and he's like, do you kids even know what a blowjob is? And we kind of like puzzled. And he's like, let me give you a hint. They should call it a suck job. And then he like walked out of the room.

Yikes, a roni. Yeah. He's like, yes. Then he dropped a mic. He went to bed that night. I did a good thing today. Yeah. And then he and his wife both reached off and turned off their reading lamps at the same time.

One time, so I went to arts high school, so I had a playwriting class. And in my playwriting class, our teacher was an artist in residence who I would characterize as a cool theater gay guy. Like, you know, like I think one of the nice things about it being in an arts high school is you get some cool artist in resident teachers, but they also may or may not know what you're allowed to do when you're a teacher. And a classmate of mine named Jonah and I this was I confirmed this on Facebook a year or two ago that this was not just a memory I had spontaneously generated but Jonah was a Jonah was about a bit of a big mouth teen he now works with young people and is a very

admirable guy but as a teenager a big mouth biger. And at one point, our teacher, whose name was Scott, and this is like my most vivid memory of my freshman year of high school, he just went, shut up, Jonah. I bet you've never even had sex. Whoa. What a very specific, what an almost clinical burn. Yeah. And like Jonah had definitely not had sex. I'm sure Jonah went on to have tons of burn. Yeah. And like, Jonah had definitely

not had sex. Mm-hmm. I'm sure Jonah went on to have tons of sex. Sure. Maybe even more than average sex. He's a good looking guy.

I want that for him. Yeah, absolutely. I believe in Jonah. The guy went into the helping professions. He's helping young people. He deserves to be plowing through it

like nobody's business. Sure. And in a loving context, too, not just casual empty sex. Like rich. Lots of eye contact. Exactly. Whispering, candles, salt lamp. But what was, so that destroyed Jonah.

I felt terrible for Jonah. Jonah was really into the Wu-Tang Clan. I felt really bad for Jonah. Do you think it maybe developed into a fetish where now he can't perform unless he gets yelled at by a high school teacher? By a local theatrical dramaturg?

And then Scott paused for a second and I think he realized after he said that, that while it was the perfect burn, it was probably not that good of an idea for him to sexually destroy the future of a young person in a classroom context. And so he kind of made a saving throw, you know, like I'm going to make it clear that all of this was just casual. And he said, he goes, sex, it's overrated, it's underrated. Yeah.

Wow. And like- That means literally everything. I feel like having now been an adult, and I don't want to speak for the two of you, but I've sexed now. I'm with him 100%. Like, I'm glad I'm, on the one hand, I'm glad I'm not Jonah in that situation. It must have been very tough for Jonah. However, I think he was, it was a perfect burn.

I think it was a perfect burn and a fucking nugget of wisdom that I held on to until such time as I had sexed. And then upon sexing, I thought to myself, what an apt description of human sexuality. I don't know. What does it mean? What does it mean? Because it doesn't mean anything is the only problem. Here's what I think it means. Yeah, that's sitting on the fence. He needs to take a position. R-E-Sex. No, I think he's taking two very clear

positions. I think number one, it's underrated in that it is truly spectacularly majestic. On the other hand, I think relative to an adolescence... Well, so is the world of color at Disneyland. The water dancing show set to the tune of Disney's greatest hits

from Sleeping Beauty to Toy Story. And I would say... Have you guys seen this fucking thing, by the way? I would also say, Jordan, that if I could use one word to describe sex, it would be phantasmic. Sure. Yeah. It's a real matter of order. Main Street Electrical Parade.

Yeah. So I think that it is both truly amazing and ultimately, as it becomes a sort of normal part of your life, and in some ways it is unremarkable. You know what I mean? Like to a shocking extent. And in that sense, it is overrated. It could never be forever. The thing that you imagine it to be when you are 14.

This is the weirdest fucking Jean Shepard short story. I dictated. Griffin, I know that you have drama people in your family. Were you a drama kid in high school? Oh, yeah, for sure. We all grew up. We had a local children's theater that it was kind of I was kind of born into it. It was kind of assumed like, oh you're you'll do you'll do the plays and

so that was like my whole that was my friend group and my only hobby really i played baseball for a bit but it became immediately apparent that i was um meant for the stage and not for that beautiful baseball diamond sure yeah sure um what were some of your starring roles or you know some of your noteworthy supporting roles uh noteworthy supporting roles i did play templeton the rat in a production of charlotte's web and i was a real good uh you know stinky thief uh as is called on by that part uh i think that's what it says in the dramatis persona it says templeton the rat a stinky thief did you do the i remember the voice from the cartoon being char Nelson Reilly. I think it is Charles Nelson Reilly.

It might be Rip Taylor. I did my best C&R up there as much as my 10-year-old vocal cords could produce. Final dress rehearsal right before opening night, I did have a birthday. Went to Applebee's. Got Yoshi's Store on Nintendo 64. That was a good one. Ate a bunch of buffalo wings and ice cream, and I yoshi's store on nintendo 64 that was a good one wings and ice cream and i yarts right on stage so that was now was this was this was some did yoshi related excitement enter into it

i was pretty stoked to get home and play with my best pal the dinosaur yoshi but it created a chemical reaction in my tummy where the buffalo wing meat and ice cream was waiting to strike. And it did right there on the stage. But no, I mean, I had a bunch of dope parts. You want me to brag? I played Horton the Elephant in Seussical. I was Oliver in Oliver. Just the title role.

What? Saying good. I mean, speaking of prepubescent sort of activities, final night, I remember I was doing Where Is Love, the sort of tearjerker there in the middle about this poor boy, doesn't have anybody who loves him. And final night of the show, it was, Where is love?

Uh-oh. Now I'm a man. Oh, no. It happened. love uh-oh and then i now i'm a man oh no it happened um yeah i had a lot i had a lot of great roles just check my imdb now um griffin is um can we talk to templeton is templeton here are you there templeton would you like to join us at the fair been a while since i've tried to pull out this dirty rap. I've heard it's a veritable smorgasbord.

It was sort of like, hey, this is, hey, this. He was sort of like, hello, this is. I don't think I have it anymore. No, hey. I think you left. It was a place in time. It was a place in time, you know? Yeah, I mean, if I can offer you some help, imagine it's the 1970s.

You're on the panel of the match game. There's that match game guy with that long, skinny microphone with a little bulb at the end. Rip Taylor has just thrown some confetti into the air. Zsa Zsa Gabor is staring at you longingly. When I was embodying Templeton, I left it all out on the stage, pretty much literally. I literally left a lot of sort of matter on the stage. It was your commitment to the method.

It was. My dad got mad at me because I missed an entrance because I was on the toilet. And he thought I was just fun and around, you know, doing whatever teens do. Right, right. In the toilet, which in my case was playing Pokemon Blue on my Game Boy Pocket. But no. No, I was having an Applebee's sort of related emergency. Sure.

An ARE. I promised myself I wouldn't talk about this. Is that where your early romantic stuff happened? Is within the high school theater, community theater world? Yes, definitely. within the high school theater, community theater world? Yes, definitely. My first girlfriend that I had was somebody who I had been in shows with.

Yeah, that was sort of where I learned the ropes, as it were. Or, as was more sort of the case, didn't. Did not learn. Failed to learn the ropes. I saw the ropes, and I was like, what are those? I should really get around to learning those. Then I'd look back down and there's my friend, you know, Charizard. Sure. Or Squirtle.

Yeah. Or Yoshi. Any manner of Nintendo dinosaur. Yeah. Did you just call Squirtle a dinosaur? I'm so fucking mad right now oh yeah no you're right sorry he's a he's he's a he's a turtle it rhymes guys it fucking rhymes who's your favorite nintendo dinosaur let's go around the room i like i like i like squinosaur

it's great it rhymes and you know it hell yeah yeah. You can keep it straight. I'm going to go with probably a Furby. Those guys are great. Good handling in Mario Kart. Yeah. You can really take those turns. Sure. They're not as fast as Princess Peach, but you can take those turns. What are those little guys?

What is a key chain that's like a little guy you have to feed? Tamagotchi. That's what I was. I should have said Tomogotchi like a little guy you have to feed? Tomogachi. That's what I was. I should have said Tomogachi, but I couldn't think of what a Tomogachi was called. No, that's okay. Based on the fact you called it Tomogachi, you still don't know, my friend. You still don't got it. I hate that my role on this episode so far has been me coming in here and dunking on you guys for your trivia.

Yeah. I don't own that. That's not who I am. I feel like a chump. I feel like a real chump. I feel like I have been thoroughly dunking on you guys for your trivia. Yeah, I don't own that. That's not who I am. I feel like a chump. I feel like a real chump. I feel like I have been thoroughly dunked on. I'm not worried about it because I already knew I was a chump. Oh, I didn't.

I'm just learning this now. I'm secure in my chumpitude. This isn't a change for me. Now, I'm disturbed by changes, not least to my nipples. But in this case, I knew myself to be a chump and will continue to be a chump indefinitely. I have three children. I'm not getting less chumpy. Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? Sure. It's onward and upwards with the arts for me, chump-wise. Right. Griffin, did your drama-ing continue into college? Did you do college improv group and Philip Glass operas and stuff like that did you ever star in a play that jordan wrote i did yeah sorry jordan no that's okay you did it's true no i'm apologizing for the bad job i did oh i'm apologizing for the bad play okay there's so much healing this

episode i'm so happy to be here for this thank you um no i I auditioned for many of Jordan's works, but he said I was too flat. And he was right. He was right. That's when you got those nip implants, right? True. No, I did a little bit. I did Casca and Julius Caesar, who you know is the conspirator who does the first stab. So it's just sort of somebody to let everybody else know, like, it's cool. We're stabbing now. Yeah. Like, you know is the conspirator who does the first stab. So it's just sort of somebody to let everybody else know,

like, it's cool. We're stabbing now. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's one person in the office break room who gets the first slice of cake, and you're like, okay, so now we can all go for it. It's always Derek.

He's the one who uttered the famous line, if I remember correctly. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, what were you going to say? Pizza, pizza? Nothing as good as pizza, pizza. Don't worry about it, buddy. All right.

Okay, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, do anything else 11 the only thing we do 11 years we've been doing this our show doesn't have a premise it doesn't we just have these dumb fucking nicknames so i'm like on every on all the other shows i do i am infantilized to a degree because i'm the youngest and so like it would be nice to really stretch my legs out here and be like big big adult big adult man, early adult, strong, tall, powerful, grown-up adult, Griffin McElroy. Pube King seems like a sort of – it seems like you want me to be that, but you said it without thinking about whether or not I would want to be that.

In my heart, I think of you as my Pube King. What about Big Poppy? I mean, given your Hall of Fame first base career with the Boston Red Sox, it seems pretty good. I'll take Pube King, I guess. Yeah, Pube King. Sure. Great. Yeah.

Let's do Pube King. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Just throwing some more stuff out there. Pube King. Yeah. Let's go with that. Jordan, it's Max Fun Drive time.

It sure is. Griffin, it's Max Fun Drive time. Hooray! Weep, weep, whoop. What was that? I'm sorry. Should we even know this for forever? Surely we can get a better theme song for the Max FunDrive.

Nope, it's whomp, weep, whoop. Three sad notes. That's it. The Max FunDrive's theme song was just recorded by holding a microphone up to a dollar store robot toy whose batteries were running out. But you know who did that? What? LCD Sound System.

Yeah. It's the guy who held up the microphone to the robot. Yeah. Frank LCD Sound System. So that cost us $40,000. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not cheap. It was on his reunion tour.

So there you go. It's not cheap. It was on his reunion tour. So there you go. Jordan, if you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener and you're relatively new or you haven't thought about it in a while, all of MaximumFun.org, our show and all of the other now more than two dozen shows in MaximumFun.org are supported by the listeners out there. Folks like you who listen to the show and then go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and pay for it. And it's pretty cheap.

Yeah. Can I throw out a couple analogies? I love a good analogy because I feel that figurative language can add clarity. Sure, exactly. I just want to help people with their SATs. Got it. No, no. I think it's a people with their SATs. Got it. No, no. I think, you know, this is a little bit of an abstract thing to think about.

You get this, you know, there's this thing you're used to getting for free. And after you've been getting it for free, we're saying maybe time to put up a little cash. Here's a good – here's some good ways to think about it. As a guy who was a little baffled by this when it was brought up to me, here's how it helps me to think about it. As a guy who was a little baffled by this when it was brought up to me, here's how it helps me to think about it. Sure. Hey, think about it as a tip. Okay.

Think about all the people in your life who you tip, if you're a nice human. Right. You tip a bartender a buck a drink. You tip your mom. You tip your mommy when she hugs you. Baseball coach. You flick your mom a wooden nickel for each hug. Or just when she does something emotionally supportive.

Of course, yeah. So yeah, you know, bartenders, baristas, ride share drivers. Here are people you tip. Why not tip your podcasters? Think about the entertainment you get from an episode of a podcast. Is it worth a buck a show? I think it is. Well, if I go to a bar, which you guys know how much I love hanging out in bars.

I'm a real bar flop. Sure, yeah. A real old Charles Bukowski Jesse, we call you. It's a bad nickname. Knocking back ginger ales with a dash of bitters at the end of the bar. You know, I order myself a club soda with lime. Sure. I go to the bar, ask if I go to a bar with sleeve garters, you know that kind of bar?

Yeah. Where the guy's wearing sleeve garters. Oh, yeah. I say, hey, what can you make me with no alcohol in there? He's like, put a little lime juice, put a little coconut, put a little whatever, you know, mix it up. Stir it with a candy cane. Sure. Whisper a wish into it.

Serve it up on the rocks. You know, I'm paying a few bucks for that drink. Sure. But every time I'm dropping a bar on the, I'm dropping a dollar

on the counter. Absolutely. And I'm saying thank you for making me that drink that's going to allow me to have a good time for the next half hour or so. Yeah.

So, yeah, just think about the shows you listen to and if it's worth throwing them a buck. Analogy two. Okay. Hey, Jesse and Griffin. Yes, sir. You guys pay for entertainment streaming services, don't you? Music, movies, television? Oh, yeah.

I got Amazon Prime. Sure. I got Netflix. Still Sure. Got Netflix. Still paying for CISO over here. Do not know how to contact. Where's the money going? I do not even, I'm not sure. But yeah, if you pay for stuff like that, it's a subscription.

This is also a monthly subscription. It comes out of your bank account. I'm guessing that you've been paying for your Netflixes and Hulus for so long, you probably don't notice it coming out of your bank account. Consider this an entertainment subscription that comes out of your bank account that I suspect you probably also will not notice that much. Can I offer a few standard exemptions? Please. These are exemptions that we've talked about over the years.

But if you're a new listener, you might not know about them. So I want to make it absolutely clear. Because every year we get an email from somebody who's sad because they can't donate for one of these reasons. And I want to make it clear those people should not be sad. They're doing their part. Number one, if you don't have a job, you're off the hook. If you are not full-time employed at a living wage or better, $15, $17 an hour, somewhere in there, then you're off the hook. I mean, if you want to donate, if you somehow are able to, you found a treasure chest, for example. Sure.

Probably is the classic example of how you could do that. Those things are laying around. But otherwise, you're off the hook. I mean, the reason that we don't put all this stuff behind a paywall is because we want people – we want everyone to be able to access it no matter what their needs are. So number one, if you don't have a job. Number two, if you don't live in, broadly speaking, the developed world. So look, if you're living in Peru where your monthly wage goes a lot less far than it does here in the United States, or you're off the hook. That's number three.

If you're under 18 years old, don't worry about it. You don't have to steal your parents' credit card. Build up the financial strength, and then once you hit adulthood, pa-pow, you're in. You know what I mean? Pa-pow. Those are the categories of people who are completely off the hook. And I just want to- Number four. Number four. If you're just not-pow. Those are the categories of people who are completely off the hook. And I just want to – Number four.

Number four. If you're just not feeling it. You mean the show? Just not feeling it. If you're getting a weird vibe. Just a weird vibe. I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just not feeling it or it could just be that I'm like I'm not sick but I'm getting sick. And I think – I want to say to those folks who aren't feeling it, I understand completely, and Alexa, play Huey Lewis in the news sports. Just because everybody's feeling that. Everybody's feeling that. Who's not feeling that? What kind of monster? Who doesn't like Huey Lewis in the news sports?

And, hey, if those logical appeals don't work for you, just think about it as you're paying some money and you're getting some sweet-ass MaxFun stuff. Yeah. There's lots of stuff you get when you donate. It's actually a really simple process. You go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. You can do it on your phone. You can do it on your computer at home. You can do it on your work computer.

It's probably not blocked. Sure. Go to the public library. Now, we do have some pornography there. We should explain that. Yes. But it will make it through your work's content filter. But it on your work computer. It's probably not blocked. Sure. Go to the public library. Now, we do have some pornography there. We should explain that. But it will make it through your work's content filter. But it's perfect for couples. Great for couples.

You go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, and basically you tell it how much you'd like to support MaxFun at per month from $5 a month all the way on up. And then you tell it what shows you listen to. And MaxFun takes a little bit of the donation to play for the drive, pay for the office, pay for the people that work here to run the drive and so on and so forth. And the rest of the donation is just split evenly among the shows that you listen to. It's that simple. It is really a direct way to support the MaxFun shows that you care about. This is not a, you know, a weird extortion scheme. I do not have at the MaxFun office like a list where I decide

who gets it based on who I like the most that month. It really goes straight to the people whose shows you listen to. And as we said before,'s uh there's lots of cool stuff you can get and it really really does make sure that you get these shows regularly because uh yeah i mean i feel like because there are people who pony up and pay for the show that i have bosses who i am accountable to so i you know fucking better get my ass in here every week and uh make a show for people because uh if i't, I am disappointing my bosses, which is you, the donating listener. Yeah. I feel exactly the same way.

I mean, the reason that we do it this way, and there's a lot of different ways to run the finances of podcasts, right? We could be trying to make a show that's for everyone and using it as a venue to sell stuff, the commercially supported method. We could put everything behind a paywall. And there are podcast networks who are putting more and more things behind paywalls because their goal is to force people to pay for things. I have always thought part of MaxFun is we want as many people to be able to access and enjoy this stuff as possible. And at the end of the day, we want our bosses to be those people. Like we want to work for those people, not work for people

who buy advertisements, not work for, you know, not keep our content from people who can't afford the money. We really want to share what we're making as widely as possible and at the end of the day answer to the people who like it. Yeah, so it's really cool. It's really easy. And we super, super appreciate it. It is like this is a very, very cool time of year when you get to hear from the people who like the shows. Because I think, you know, when you do a show like ours, you know, where you're just kind of chatting into a void and it's not very popular, you can wonder sometimes why you would do it.

But it's just really, really awesome to, like, hear from people who are like, hey, I like this show and thank you for showing up every week and here's a couple of bucks to keep it running i mean don't get us wrong we get an email from steve agey once in a while sure and we love it he's good and everything yeah he's great in those guardians of the galaxy movies i tried to pay for um a sandwich uh subway with a steve agey email one time They wouldn't accept it. Yeah. They just, they're like, here's what we'll do. We'll put a handful of sliced cucumbers directly into your mouth. Yeah.

They said we get plenty of Steve Agee emails here at this Subway in Austin, Texas. Sure. They're like, we're going to need a Brian Posehn email or nothing. Yeah. That's their standard. So, yeah. So, thank you very, very much everybody who goes to MaximumFun.org slash donate.

It is important and it is cool and it is the reason we keep doing this show. I don't know if you, I don't know if you ever have this experience. Well,

this is like a real experience that I have and I don't know if you ever feel this way, Griffin. But like, sometimes during the, you know,

I have, you know, all three of us, I'm sure, have, you know, career frustrations and disappointments just like anyone else. Sure. And I think like, well, what am I doing? What is all this?

Why is this okay? Why don't I just have a job like a normal person? You know what I mean? Like I'm trying to raise a family here or whatever. Or I'm just having a family here or whatever. And, or I'm just having a bad day or something, you know, I really do sometimes have the thought like, man, you know, thousands of people like the work that we're making so much that they have gone and supported it when like no one made them. That is such an incredible honor.

And I mean, I feel like I sound like a tool talking about it like this, but it's really sincere. Like it is an incredible honor to feel like people are saying, you know what? That's worth that's worth five bucks out of my life every month. Like I really, this is something that actually matters to me. This is something that I get happiness out of, whether it's, you know, you know, whether bullseye is like introducing people to something they never knew about or Jordan, Jesse go is letting them escape from a difficult thing in their life or just entertaining them while they're at the gym or whatever. Like, it really means a lot. And I'm very grateful for it.

And like you said, Jordan, like, this is the time of year when we, you know, we, like, maybe because we make ourselves emotionally available for the first time all year, but,'s a time when people take the opportunity to tell us why our work means something to them. And it's really special and amazing. It's really, really hard work every year, but I look forward to it every year for that reason. So, yes, I'm just really grateful for every single person who does that. Like, it makes a big difference in my life, not only in that I can pursue a career as a professional podcaster

and bullshit artist, but also because, you know, it's just such a tremendous honor to feel like you're doing something that makes a difference in people's lives. Yeah, so definitely, like, it is a great feeling. a tremendous honor to feel like you're doing something that makes a difference in people's lives. Yeah. So definitely, it is a great feeling. This is a very, very fun time of year, and we love it. Do you think, should we do a little segment? Yeah.

We'll do a regular segment of the show, and then we'll go back, and if for some reason this sincere appeal has not appealed to you. We'll just list shit you can get. There's free shit abounds. There's so much shit you can get. I mean if you can go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and take a look at the shit right now. We'll tell you about the shit.

Lots of great bonus content and actually cool stuff that you will like having around the house and putting on yourself. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Griffin McElroy, puking.

There we go. It's real cute when you say it. I mean, it comes off real creepy. It comes off real creepy when I say it, but it sounds good when you say it. You make puking sound good, as they say. Yeah, it's tough. That's tough work. If you're the pube king, I'm the taint duke.

Start the podcast over. No! I want to mention, before we get into any other stuff, that at the end of the MaxFunDrive, which runs until a week from Friday, it'll be Friday the 13th, we're going to have a big live streaming show that Jordan, you and I are both going to be part of. It's going to be a lot of fun. So look at MaximumFun.org and you will find the information there. And also, the MaxFun Meetup Day is coming up. So also go to MaximumFun.org and you will find a Max Fund meetup in your area.

And if there isn't one, there will be instructions on how to pick a venue for one. That is another really cool part of the Max Fund Drive. Yeah, these things, both the live stream and the meetups, I think I've done every year, and they are a blast. So definitely check those out. Definitely take advantage of those. Griffin, are you guys doing any special Max Fun Drive stuff? I feel like at this point, between you and your brothers and your dad and you and your brother's wives and their relatives, there's over 700 McElroy-related programs. Around that number,

yeah. Are you guys just stacking them on top of each other and seeing if they reach the moon? Yeah, that's the plan. We're creating a staircase that'll make it so high that one of us can climb up and become God. We'll climb up right into heaven. Wow, blasphemous. Cool. Yeah, learn God's wisdom and then become. Yeah.

Yeah, so that's the plan. And shove them down those stairs. that's the plan shove them down those stairs where if travis has been doing most of the work on the god staircase um and some of them have been more successful than others i had to take a few steps out of the god staircase and sometimes we take a look a hard look at one of the stairs at the staircase and we say boy this just didn't fucking work anymore and we changed the stair to something uh to something else um but do we have anything special planned for the drive i'm so glad you asked i'm uh gonna do a backflip oh wow cool a real back yeah i'm gonna do a backflip uh i've been practicing a lot and uh

announced it geez all over gonna do a big backflip. Going to go to the gym. Don't want to do it in my office. I'll fall on the floor, hurt myself, but I'll go to the trampoline floor and do a big backflip. Cool. Wow. Look forward to that.

Yeah. You're a regular Ozzie Smith, the Wizard of Oz. Sure. Yeah. So if we get 100 donors, the backflip, 200 donors, triple backflip, and then I haven't thought any farther than that, but I guess I'll just keep adding more backflip 200 donors triple backflip and then i haven't thought any farther than that but uh i guess i'll just keep adding more backflips onto it i guess instead of getting donors do you think it would be possible for us to get donairs because i love a good kebab yeah if we get two donairs mailed to us yeah we'll eat them and that'll give us backflip energy

backflip strength to do the big backflip i went speaking of your brother travis i went to the uh grand canyon with travis last year yeah you guys got really peyote high and you said you know what'd be really cool right now is to see the big hole that we call the grand canyon and i thought i said it's irresponsible both of you have families i mean we have so you know like like there's like a goal for a number of Max Fund supporters every year. And we beat the goal last year and then we set a stretch goal. But we didn't have – we had not planned ahead for what – and we haven't done this this year. We had not planned for a stretch goal ahead of time.

a stretch goal ahead of time. And so literally what happened is Bikram, our managing director, and I had a brief conversation at our desks, which are like two feet away from each other. And he said, oh, shit, what are we going to do if we get the stretch goal? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Let's fucking record a show at the Grand Canyon and like buy bus tickets for people to come and see it. And he's like, OK. So we did that. We hit the stretch come and see it. And he's like, okay. So we did that.

We hit the stretch goal and did that. And I had not been to this Grand Canyon. Jordan, have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, this was not a, despite growing up in California and being close, it was never a family road trip that we took. I do have plans to go with my sister

in May. Oh, that's pretty cool. So that'll be my first time. It is, when you live in California, it is both close and weirdly far. Like we flew most of the way there and I think I was either on an airplane or in an airport for a solid eight hours. But, yeah, so you have to like drive a couple hours after you get to – it's a whole thing. Griffin, have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? No, too afraid. Yeah, it's a big hole. I'm glad you brought that up, Griffin.

I had not been since I was a kid. I went as a kid. But my primary experience of it having – so I thought – first of all, I made up this thing off the top of my head. It was a dumb idea. Then we thought of naming it Yanni Live at the Acropolis 2 Live at the Grand Canyon without Yanni. And by the time we'd done that, it was pretty much locked in. Set in stone. Yeah, it was pretty much.

You don't want to throw away that gem. That's as good as it gets. Yeah. Yeah. You ever have a joke that's just so good that you make 30 people fly across the country and get very close to the big dangerous hole? So we got there and, like, the Grand Canyon could not be more majestic. Like the amount of majesty contained within the Grand Canyon is a start. Like it makes you want to start crying immediately because it's so spectacular and so awe-inspiring.

But I am also very afraid of heights. And I thought that I had gotten to a point, like it doesn't affect my life very much. Number one, I of heights. And I thought that I had gotten to a point, like it doesn't affect my life very much. Number one, I avoid heights. But number two, like I have, I feel like I have gotten to the stage in my adulthood where I can control my fears by burying them deep inside myself

so that they can fester with my anxieties and my shame into a kind of diamond. Sure. I thought you were going to say a jambalaya. Well, sure. The shame is the sausage. The secret is you just get a can of Zatarain's and you just drink it. Chug it.

It turns into jambalaya deep in your tum tum uh griffin what were the mackleroy family vacations i guess i because grand canyon probably tough for you guys given where you grew up what were the what were the like driving distance long weekend spots um i mean dollywood really dollywood was up there, Kings Island. We were a rollercoaster family. Hell yeah. Both in the sense that we loved it and also just, man, a lot of ups and downs. Sure. Do they have rollercoasters at Dollywood?

I think they have one, and it was all right. You mostly go for the, just to maybe you'll meet Dolly Parton. It's the only amusement park that you go to because there's a small chance you might see dolly parton um otherwise there's like a there's like eight log flumes it's it's a rural themed thing and so it's just like what do we got i don't know man logs yeah i mean i definitely i definitely always hoped to meet – because I had heard that he hung out a lot. I hoped to meet Merle Haggard at Marine World Africa USA in Vallejo, California. Sure. Yeah.

That's – and that's – yeah. Yeah, we did that. We did Myrtle Beach, Florida. Again, this is not like long weekend territory but if you wanted to take a weekend i think king's island you go and you get your uh crotch destroyed by the tomb raider ride and that's and then you do that and you know it's been a weekend a fun weekend with your family i mean could you describe the tomb raider ride and how it destroys one's crotch because i cannot picture this you sit in a chair and then you snap down this big harness with sort of, it secures all of your vital zones.

And then the chair is on like a... It's like Y-shaped. It goes from nard to nip. Yeah, it's kind of like, you know, a Borat swimsuit design and so you put that on and then the chair the like row of chairs dislodges and it's on two long arms that sort of swings you 360 degrees like a like a like a pendulum and uh at some points it like stops and now you're hanging by the harness basically completely and um you get off of it and it's just really mushy down there yeah but it's been a fun ride and you saw laura croft you know because take take home the treasure but you won't take home

your treasure if you if you don't want to pop out do you say that you are afraid of the grand canyon because you are also unafraid of heightsman? Yeah, I don't love them. And there's something, it's just, I feel like if I'm up on a mountain and I'm looking down and just see the vastness below me of the landscape stretching before me, sprawling, and then I look down and there's down the mountain and better not fall. I don't think that scares me as much as the Grand Canyon, which is a big hole. And a big, beautiful hole. Don't get me wrong. I love it.

And I would love to see it someday. But there's something about a hole that scares me a whole lot more than a mountain. Because I'm not going to fall off a mountain, probably. But a hole, I think I could conceivably slip on a banana peel and that's why they don't let those anywhere near it um although i will say i will say i put on like a cool base diving parachute i could probably do like 10 backflips off that fucking thing yeah that's a good point now griffin can you do you how many backflips have you done in your life? Because you seem to be... Jordan, you know his other nickname, right? I don't.

Flipper. Oh. I thought it was because of the blowhole. It's because of the blowhole. And, Jesse, that's entirely because of the front flips I do. I do front flips like wild. Front flips, side flips, corkscrews, whirly gigs, spinny-doos. I can do all of those. I love your spinny-doos. I can do all of those.

I love your spinny-doos. Have you ever done an it's-a-kadoozy? Yes, and that's where you do a front flip while eating an it's-a-kadoozy. Got it. That reminds me. Anybody want a whatchamacallit? Got a couple in my pocket. That's dangerous.

Any flip. The flip school I went to, they said don't do anything with, like, a thing of food that has a stick built into it in your mouth because that's going to go right down the gullet. But yeah, for whatever reason, I just can't – I can't see behind me. So I don't know what I'm flipping back into. Griffin, the flip school you went to, is that a degree program or a certificate? It was Vassar. Oh, wow. Really?? It was Vassar. Oh, wow. Really?

You went to Vassar? Yeah, if I got my graduate degree. I went to a flip school. It was just to teach me how to make yogurt-covered pretzels. It's a very good school. It turns out. I'm still $80,000 in debt. Here's what's crazy about it.

You start with a pretzel and you cover it in yogurt. That's the system. Yeah. Well, Here's what's crazy about it. You start with a pretzel and you cover it in yogurt. That's the system. Yeah. Well, there's also a lot of theory. They make it sound a lot more complicated than that. And so you sign up and you get there and they're like, day one, here's how you make a flip. Yeah. You mostly just press the go button on the flips making machine.

I don't think they're doing these bad boys by hand. I got my flip degree from a Dominican medical school. And the honest truth is I can barely do a forward roll. Oh my gosh. There you go. The end of the day. I thought I could. Ran off with your money.

I thought I could save a dollar heading out to the DR. I tried to, I tried to do my first attempt on Phoenix online and and I'm not here to knock online school programs. No, they're very classy and definitely not taking advantage of people. And they said just go ahead and flip forward, and I did. Jumped right on my fucking computer, broke it. Oh, wow. Yeah, so they kicked me out.

Did you have a protection plan on that? What's funnier? No. So, Jesse, this show that you recorded at the Grand Canyon, is this something that people could listen to if they donated during the Maximum Fun Drive? Not only can people listen to it if they're MaxFun donors, but you can also watch it on the max fun youtube channel this week hey all right how much ambient audio did you have to cut out of people just like wow like just on

lookers just sort of gaping at the majesty we're so small yeah how many wow god is real he did this like a lot of people having some like wild epiphanies and like eagles and the sounds of donkeys just to trotten down the pathways. So people can listen to this, MaximumFun.org slash donate. But seriously, like looking into the Grand Canyon made me want to cry for two reasons. Number one, falling into a hole as Griffin described. as Griffin described. There's also a larger, like, almost... I have the same feeling when I look at the horizon,

when I look out over the ocean. I also don't like that, because it incites a sort of existential dread. It's too vast. Ooh, I like feeling insignificant. It makes me think I can just do whatever. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I can do whatever.

Like, I think the vastness of the Grand Canyon has a similar effect to me. You know what I mean? Like, part of it is I could fall in. Part of it is others around me could fall in, which was definitely a big concern that I was having. But the biggest concern of all was kind of like, oh, I guess I'm just a sand in an hourglass and I'm about to pass from the top to the bottom. Yeah. That means I'm dead. I can do anything.

It doesn't matter. Jordan, is that why you're vaping right now? Hell yeah, dude. You only go around this crazy marble once, you might as well blow some fat clouds. You know me. Big, beautiful hole, though. One of the great wonders. One of the great holes.

I feel like we're talking a lot of shit about this hole. It's like, no, we like the hole. We're pro hole. One of the great bands of alternative rock. Sure, absolutely. Really, I mean, it's easy to lose sight of because, you know, sometimes Courtney Love's public persona isn't as thoughtful or elegant as you might like it to be. Right. But Hole were a really essential part of that movement and inspired a lot of people.

And, you know, transitioned into more of a pop band more seamlessly than you'd think, given their hard edge that they started with. Yeah. Very impressive. That's a really good point. Makes me feel very insignificant. Whenever I look at the discography of Hole. And you can really see the layers of sediment.

Yeah. It gives you a good sense of the geology of the band. Right, exactly. You know what I mean? How many just millions of years they've been there. And you can hike to the bottom,

camp there, and then hike back up the next day. And you know, I mean, I think like obviously when people talk about Hole, you know, you think of the like

that really strong, distinct vocal performance from Courtney Love. Right, of course. It's singular. There's nothing like it. It's right there. But I mean,

also just some things that I think also kind of contributed to their success were some really, really competent drum work and erosion. Yeah. So those three things.

But I think without the vocals, it's not a national park. No, you're right. Sure. It's at best like a state monument. Sure. It's a monument.

Yeah. Yeah. That's probably the strata that I would place it at. Interesting, considering it has so many str monument. Sure, it's a monument, yeah. Yeah. That's probably the strata that I would place it at. Interesting, considering it has so many strata. Sure. It's visible strata. Visible strata.

Because of the geological wonders. Is there anything that you'd like to wring out of this stone? Yeah, here, let me try one. Their music really rocks. Really rocks. Whoa! That's a buzzer! Three-pointer! Do you believe in miracles? really rock, really rock. Whoa! That's a buzzer! Three pointer!

Do you believe in miracles? Notre Dame for three! Oh, the humanity! Holy mackerel! Holy mackerel! It's actually pronounced McElroy. Has there ever been a game with two buzzer beaters in it? I can't fucking believe it.

A second buzzer! Wow. I need to take a nap. I just threw up on the stage of a children's theater in West Virginia. Yeah, how are those hot wings, though? They were good. Not as good as that ice cream though baby yum yum gotta get home to yoshi

griffin how do you feel about boshi the evil yoshi uh i uh i just where does it fucking stop you know princess princess will beach like come on y'all. Yeah. Let's be reasonable. Is there no evil Princess Peach? I don't think so. Because there's evil. What is there? Evil Luigi. Yeah, there's Waluigi.

There's evil Mario. Mario. Can you all hear that? Can you hear my muscles relaxing as we're starting to get? But we talked about basketball for a while. Being outdoors for a while. Can you hear like my bones like settling back into place in the chair? There we go.

Like an old glove. I mean, there's a couple things that I have something to offer on if any of these subjects are of interest to you. I'll throw them out there. Katamari Damacy for the PlayStation 2. Seaman for the Sega Dreamcast. And Bulls vs. Blazers in the NBA playoffs for the Sega Genesis. Griffin, I'm not as much of a Nintendo completist as I think you are.

In the extended Mario-averse, like in Mario Tennis or whatever, is there an evil Peach or an evil Daisy? Not as... Oh, God, I'm going to say no, and then someone will be like, well, actually... Mr. Game and Watch. Okay. No, there was a Princess Peach Nintendo DS game, I think called Super Princess Peach. I might be wrong on that.

Where you played as Princess Peach, and your main means of interacting with the world and solving puzzles and navigating the environment was to give her different abilities by switching her into different emotional states. And it was like, wow, y'all, this is how now you can make her, uh,

you know, real pissed off. And now she's real sad by making her emotions change, change her physiologically. And it's like, this is the debut you have for Princess Peach having her own starring role in a game? But I don't think that counts as an evil Princess Peach.

I don't know. I don't know. Is Daisy evil Princess Peach? Oh, I don't know. Is Daisy evil? What's Daisy's alliance? Is she a neutral good? Is she a chaotic evil?

I think she's chaotic good. Okay. Because she wants the Mushroom Kingdom to improve, but she'll fucking do some wild shit to get it there. Now, how does Abby Cadabby fit into all of this? Who's that? The Pokemon. Oh, okay. The evolved form of Abby.

She's like the girl counterpart to Elmo. Oh, okay. She's a little fairy that's fun she does magic spells they added her in like 2008 or something i've been watching a lot of sesame street it may not surprise you to hear i have a young son and he's getting into the street and they wanted they just they wanted a new like sort of starring monster and so they added Abby Cadabby. And it's so wild to me because it's just like, this is the count. He counts numbers, and this is the cookie monster. He loves cookies.

And now we're going to introduce magic. It's like any time there's magic on Game of Thrones, it's just like the other 99% of the time, it's just like, I'm a king, and I'm going to cut your face off. And then somebody's like, I'm going to cast a magic wizard spell. And it's like, wait, you're what? Doing what? With a what? Griffin, to be fair.

I thought this was history for a second. It's sort of like this. I am an evil king, and I'm going to cut your face off. One. One enemy's face. Two. One enemy's face. Two. Two enemy's faces. I've never thought about it, but I guess they did introduce vampirism into Sesame Street

Yeah, he's undead. Kill me and give me my rest. The Count used to be a living person who may or may not have had any fascination with numbers until he was murdered by another vampire. He was sired by another vampire. And who's he biting? Is the number obsession a reflection of his vampirism? Or was it a hobby that he enjoyed previously that perhaps became more pronounced when he went from dead to undead. Yeah, right.

I mean, it gets if you have eternity in front of you. Right. You should have some hobbies. Yeah. But I guess, I mean, I guess when you are a vampire, that is your, you know, that's your cross to bear. Excuse the inadvertent vampire pun. Yeah, he really definitely wouldn't bear a cross. He wouldn't.

Yeah, he really definitely wouldn't wear a cross. Like maybe in life, he was an actuary or an accountant or an official scorekeeper at a baseball game. Well, I would think he would be a count. I would think he would retain that title even in a state of living death. Okay. So you think the title is not something that he earned. Yeah, you don't just go from some blue-collar schmo to denizen of a castle just because you get chomped by a vamp. I don't know. Maybe you just have a lot of time to find a castle, file the paperwork.

Sure. You know what I mean? The whole world is straight. Before, you were focused on air conditioner repair, on HVAC stuff. Right. Just a regular blue-collar guy in a nice utility van. I mean, you know how I feel about a nice utility van very strongly. Sure. I love a nice utility van. But you got a nice utility van. I mean, you know how I feel about a nice utility van very strongly. Sure.

I love a nice utility van. But you got a nice utility van. You got yourself a trade. You got yourself a decent living and a nice family. Then you're dead. You're undead. Nothing but time. And all of a sudden, you're filing paperwork.

Soon you're a viscount. Okay. So usually you work your way up too. Exactly. I'm now thinking about it. If he was sired, was it by somebody else on Sesame Street? Which is to say, is somebody else on Sesame Street

also a vampire but not so forward facing about it? Yeah, I think Hoots the Owl, probably. Probably Hoots. I mean, you don't see him out during the day that much. He's always at that jazz club. I don't know Hoots. Is he a recent addition?

No, he's an OG. Okay. He plays the saxophone. Okay, I don't know if I remember. He's kind of a purple owl. Purple owl, plays the sax. Yeah. Cool.

He's a real cool cat. Cool. Yeah. Like a lot of preschool-aged children, he associates coolness with jazz music. Sure, yeah. What if it was a human? I'm in here thinking which of the monsters is the secret vampire, because obviously the answer is Big Bird. Looks like a bat already.

Right. But what if it was a- Sure, yeah. Big Bird looks like a bat. Go ahead. Yeah, no, big wings. Yeah. But what if it was Hooper?

Yeah. Or one of the human characters? Would that even work? Would that even work? Like Maria? If Maria sees one of the monsters and is a vampire, and she bites one of the monsters, she's just going to get a bunch of fur, I think.

I don't even think they have... We've never... Obviously, we can't ask Jim Henson, but I don't think there's any blood in there. So you think Muppets have fur as like a natural defense against vampires? I don't know, but they definitely don't have blood and they definitely don't have bones, except for the hand bones inside of them. That's true.

Here's a thought uh huh i mean i think we're assuming it's someone from sesame street who bit him right they're welcoming in guest stars all the time so you think it was saviour on glover well i don't listen i'm not caught up on my sesame street obviously i stopped watching when i was a kid and you know like haven't watched since not having kids. You think it was Pentatonix. Well, I was going to say if sometime in the late 90s, 97, 98, did David Boreanaz guest star? David Boreanaz is definitely on it.

Justice Sotomayor was on it. Dracula was on it. Oh, wait a minute. It was Sotomayor. on it. Dracula was on it. Oh, wait a minute. It was Sotomayor. That's who did it. You cracked the code. You're a regular Van Helsing. My best guess is the Pointer Sisters. And I'll tell you why.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Now you're undead. Sure. 69. 69. Right? That's it. Nine, ten. Now you're undead. Sure. Yeah. Sixty-nine. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah. Right?

That's it. Teeny little super guy might have been there. The vampire. Yeah. Guys, we cracked the code. He just watched. He loves to watch the siren. Oh, yeah.

So he gets his teeny little rocks off. The fucking sicko. And then he pops right up before your eyes. Bam. I've been here the whole time, baby. Crank it in. Yeah. Make him into your child of the night. Turn into a mist.

Now you're going to live forever, asshole. Ha ha. Turn into a mist for daddy. Yum, yum. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Griffin McElroy, pube king. There you go. Way to sell it, pubey. Okay, so it's MaxFunDrive time, and we're asking people to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate to support this show and all the great shows at MaximumFun.org. Not least of which is My Brother, My Brother and Me, which apparently, Griffin, you just recorded on the red carpet of Escape from Margaritaville, the Jimmy Buffett catalog musical well it's escape to margaritaville escape from margaritaville is a show with i'll say this a show with more zombies in it than there are in escape to margaritaville which is already a considerable number of zombies got it this show is a fucking must see oh where's my lost shaker of

salt excuse me i have a movie to write the movie you're writing is Escape to Margarita I don't know what you're talking about Okay Hey, it's the Max Fun Drive Griffin, you recorded an episode featuring Broadway's Finest Coming out very soon Specifically Mary Lou Henner

Mary Lou Henner Who happened to be walking by Speaking of special episodes. Yeah. That's one that'll just be in the Mabim Bam feed. Yeah. But. Oh, yeah.

If you're looking for something a little special, something special because you donated. Yeah. There are episodes of every MaxFun podcast that you can listen to that are donors only. This is maybe a secret that people didn't know about, but there are special donors only episodes of every single show that you can get when you donate. At this point, for shows like Jordan, Jesse, Go! and My Brother, My Brother and Me

that have been going for years, we're talking about 10, 20, 30 hours of content that is only for people who are members of MaximumFun.org. There is a huge, vast well of special episodes of Jordan Jesse Go, special episodes of every single one of our MaxFun programs. It is like hundreds and

hundreds and hundreds of hours at this point total. And it's all accessible only to folks who are monthly backers of MaximumFun.org at At any level, it doesn't matter what level you are at, you will get access to a special podcast fee that you can put into your podcasting software where you can find exclusive bonus episodes of all of our shows. And even this year, Jordan, I don't know if you'd like to brag about it,

but you hosted a very special one episode long podcast. Yes. This is a one time never to be repeated podcasting event. John Hodgman and I, who both have worked in the cheese industry. As cheese mongers. As cheese mongers recorded a podcast called Shooting the Breeze where we talk about cheese. We interview a famous french cheese man we talk about our time in the cheese industry uh and you know just kind of spin off into into

into the world of early jobs and uh it's a lot of fun uh you can only listen to it if you go to maximumfund.org slash donate one time never to be repeated a special episode just for donors. I've been really into aged Gouda lately. You gotta age it. Like a hard-aged Gouda that has a rich, rich flavor. We get into cave-aged Gruyères. We get into it. Wow, right in a cave, huh? In episode one?

Yeah. Yes, the one and only episode. We get into it. We knew it was going to be a one-time thing, we just made sure to cover all the ground holy cow uh so yeah this was a very cool weird fun dumb thing uh that we did just for donors and uh also there's a special jordan jesse go we recorded uh with carrie poppy from oh no ross and carrie where we uh take a spooky trip through the phone call graveyard yeah we answered we took so many phone calls in one episode. It was borderline astonishing.

Yeah, absolutely. It was a trip through some weird calls that weren't quite appropriate for the regular show. For a variety of reasons. For a variety of reasons. Only some were not good enough. That's true. But yeah, it was a ton of fun. Carrie Poppy is the best.

And we also get a little bit into her passionate feeling about what Disney restaurants should be called what. Yes. And her dreams came true. That's true. Yes. We all hear us arguing about whether Tomorrowland's Pizza Planet should be called Pizza Port. Wait, strike that. Reverse it.

I think it's okay. Well, now it's going to be called Pizza Planet. But it was called Pizza Port. Wait, strike that, reverse it. I think it's, okay. Well, now it's going to be called Pizza Planet. But it was called Pizza Port. Carrie was mad. A mere two or three days later, it actually became called that. So in a way, it's like our podcast predicted the future. Well, Jeffrey Katzenberg is a big Jordan Jesse Go list there. He hasn't been the chairman of Disney for 20 years.

Yeah. Roy Disney, is he still alive? Don't know. Okay. So, yeah. Griffin, what kinds of bonus stuff have you done for the shows you're involved with? Well, there's one of me trying to do the backflip a bunch of times. Oh, cool.

Yep. We covered that. We covered that. Probably won't make for good audio. Yelling and yelling and yelling. Probably bad audio. Go ahead. For Mubim Bam this year, we did one that was just us trying out uh all of our old segments we used to do uh

including things like subway hacks which is a thing i don't remember we did but justin swears where we talk about great ways to uh accentuate your subway experience it's basically people trying to get like a free 25 cent slice of meat on their sandwiches so we did that and uh did an episode of the adventure zone with a game that a listener made for us called four sherlock holmeses and a vampire who is one of the aforementioned sherlock holmeses it's a one-off uh episode playing this game justin ran it and it's all of us doing pretty pretty bad british accents for a little over an hour. So that sounds good. Pretty much up to par with the previous year's Taz Offering, where we played D&D with Lin Manuel Miranda.

This one's just as good, if not better, than that one, I think. Which EGOT did you get involved in this new one? I mean, probably Bobby Lopez or Whoopi Goldberg or... Whoopi Goldberg did the whoopi goldberg was uh did the production editing oh isn't on it she's got a yeah she cut it together she's got a it's a good sense of flow she got a trial version of reaper and she knows how to use it yeah so a lot of like cool fun stuff that's kind of like for super fans only uh maximumfundFun.org slash donate. And in addition to all that great bonus content, we also got some stuff, some physical stuff. Yeah.

If you support us at $10 a month or more, and all of these things are cumulative, by the way. You get not only the thing that is at that level, but all of the previous levels. At the $10 a month level, you get – I am so excited. So we did these – we made enamel pins last year it was like extraordinary people went ape shit for these pins megan lynn cott our friend a graphic designer and artist designed new pins for us this year she designed a hard as a rock wet as a river uh pin that features an eagle who appears to be i'm gonna going to say, surfing down a river. Yeah.

Does that seem right to you? He is sitting on a boulder. He's surfing down a river. He is very majestic. The text says, hard as a rock, wet as a river. It's a very cool pin. It'll look great on your jean jacket or your messenger bag. This is not something-

I'm assuming this was commissioned before the rise of the tree bee. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, in hindsight, it should be the tree bee. The world's most confusing and unfunny meme. $20 a month. Oh, and we should mention it's not just that pin. You can pick any show. We know that there's a different Max Fun Show you like better than this show.

Just go ahead and pick that. Yeah. As long as you donate. We don't care which pin you pick, but pick our pin. Just in general, Jordan, can I just say, I don't care what level you support us at. What I care about is that you support us. Just support. For $20 a month, you get the pin, you get that exclusive bonus content, and you also get something called the Max Fun Family Cookbook. Club or the Junior Rotarians or the Boys and Girls Club.

We'll put together like a spiral bound community cookbook. Yeah. Minor League Hockey team wives will put this together. We put together the Max Fun Family Cookbook. It's recipes from all of your favorite Max Fun hosts, their favorite family recipes. And here's a nice little bonus. It comes with a Max Fun themed set of cookie cutters, a rocket ship, and a crescent moon and a star. $35 a month.

You get the cookbook. You get the cookie cutters. You get the pin. You get the bonus content, and you also get a handsome MaxFun juice carafe. This is a very classy carafe. Very classy carafe. It doesn't matter what you put in there. You don't have to put juice in there.

Yeah. Let's say you're feeling saucy. You could put champers in there, which is what I call champagne. Sure. Let's say you're a vampire. You could put human blood in there. There he goes. Champs for vamps.

Yeah, very handsome. I keep another carafe inside the carafe. But get this. Get this. Get this. It's a bigger carafe. Whoa. Wow. Russian nesting carafe inside the carafe. But get this. Get this. Get this. It's a bigger carafe. Whoa. Wow.

Russian nesting carafe. And inside that one's a boat I've been working on for a while. Oh, that sounds handsome. There are MaxFun gifts at every level. Whatever your means are, you will get something cool out of supporting your favorite podcasts. You will get something cool out of supporting your favorite podcasts. But again, I really want to emphasize this point. There is a level for everyone.

And really for me, what I get excited about is how many of our listeners choose to support us. It's not about who wants to give us so much money every month or whatever. It's really about all the people who are giving us even a small amount, even five bucks, a buck a week or whatever. Every single one of those people thrills me to the bone. Yeah, it's really, really cool. And yeah, the stuff is always very, very well-made, handsome, something you'd be happy to put in your house. Love these MaxFun pledge gifts. Yeah, and there's something for everybody. No matter what your budget is, you can definitely find something that is cheaper or along the same lines as, you know, what you pay every month for cable or Netflix or name your streaming thing of choice. Hopefully you get as much entertainment from MaximumFun.org.

As you get from that stuff, just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. If you're already a MaxFun supporter, and thank you to every single person out there who is already a MaxFun supporter, you, of course, will continue to get new bonus content every year. But if you decide to increase your support, maybe you're listening to more MaxFun shows or it's a bigger part of your life or your means have improved. Maybe you found that treasure chest. Congratulations on that chest. Then you will get all of these prizes too. So that is an exciting opportunity for folks who are continuing to support us.

an exciting opportunity for folks who are continuing to support us. Honestly, no matter what the level, no matter how you're doing it, what we're really grateful for is that you like these shows enough to support them, enough to make them a real part of your family's budget as well as a part of your family's life. Yeah, so thank you to everybody who donates. It's really, really cool. And, yeah, guys, this is great stuff. That's the reason why we can afford to buy the nitrous oxide that Brian inhales before every program.

It's the reason. No, but seriously. I'm concerned it's Joker toxin. Anyway. Don't kill us, Brian. It is indeed Joker toxin. I mean, this is a huge part of our professional lives. And I'm not even just talking about, I'm not talking about me.

Obviously, I do this full time, you know, running the company and stuff. But like, Jordan, you're a professional comedy writer. Griffin, you're a professional journalist. And the reason that we can make room in our lives for this, Brian is a professional television writer, the reason that all of us can make room in our lives for this is because we're able to get paid. Yeah, definitely. And, you know, I don't know about, you know, I'm sure journalism is kind of a similar game. I mean, definitely. As far as, you know, writing goes, you have you have good years and you have bad years. I am currently having a as far as, you know, writing goes, you have you have good years and you have bad years. I am currently having a very bad year. And it is nice to know that when I do

have to hustle hard, and like, chop stuff out of my life, because I have to go to weird freelance jobs and kind of do the hustle associated with, you know, not having a full time job is that I can make sure that I don't have to cut this out. Like this is something I want to do every week and it is something I can do every week because people support it. Yeah, it's definitely, you know, there there is stuff that has to go when you're, you know, when you're kind of struggling a little bit. And thank goodness this has never had this has never had to have been something that, you know, I've had to not do because it, you know, because it just wasn't sensible.

Because I do have bosses and I do have bosses who are, you know, who are paying to keep the lights on. The lights can stay on. So I definitely love that even when, you know, the lights can stay on. So I definitely love that even when, you know, I should probably be doing something else with my time. I don't have to. I can do this thing that I really like to do. I can hang out with my buds and chat with great comedy people and generally have a good time with basically the coolest fans of anything I have ever met. And yeah, and it's not something I have to ditch when things get tough. I am just sitting here still so flattered that both of you think that hacking fart buttons

into video games is journalism. It really means the world to me that you think of my craft that highly. I mean, you really, I mean, I think do provide an important service. You let people know what different amoebas taste like. Yes. That's hard-hitting stuff. But I mean, Jordan, you and I have been doing this since we were 19 and 18 years old, respectively. Not Jordan, Jesse, go, but we've been working together since we were that age, coming up on 20 years.

And I know that my life has changed a lot over that time. And it's changed a lot over the 11 or so years that we've been doing Jordan, Jesse, go as well. I am married and have three children who need me. And the reason that I get to come here and do this, which is my favorite thing to do every week. I mean, I look forward to seeing you and laughing in this dumb room every week so much. Is because folks out there support it because it's important enough to people that they support it. And so it has become part of my livelihood. And for that reason, you know, I can tell my children, Daddy has to go on a sales trip.

Sure. And I go visit my secret family in Cincinnati. Sure. That's what you call Jordan and Jessica. Your secret family. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

So I am really, really thankful that we can keep doing this. And it is literally the people who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and donate. You're the reason this show happens. It would not happen if people were not doing it. So thank you for doing it. We're trying to get to 25,000 donors across the network. Our biggest goal yet. I mean, like, I don't even know.

Is this the year that we've gone too far? Maybe so. Perhaps. But I genuinely believe we can do it. If you're out there and you're not already a member of MaximumFund.org, go to MaximumFund.org

and make it happen right now. Because there is no time like i mean there is truly no time like the present we only do this once a year it's like 11 days this year so for real just go to maximum fund.org slash donate it's easy it's fun and then every time you listen to jordan jesse go or any other maximum fun show you'll be able to think to yourself man aren't i great i'm the one who makes this possible. Totally. And it is.

It is absolutely the reason why we're here. So thank you. Maximumfund.org slash donate. And we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la me. When we started doing a Bim Bam, this show was a big inspiration. I used to listen to it just like, oh, around the clock, just wondering, if I was ever on it one day, what would my nickname be? And then we sort of organically, I don't think it crossed my mind in my wildest dreams that it would be pube king or anything even remotely close to pube king

you thought maybe a few prints a few viz count maybe was in the cards but to be the pube king you would never be so presumptuous at the time never not without like a you know proper election well you can't be a king unless you've been elected. That's true. That's how it works. Yeah. And that's how you became the last king of Scotland. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally win that kinglection, even if it was just because of gerrymandering. Or because of Bush cheating. Yeah.

206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. That's how the Cajuns like to say it. Like celebrity chef Paul Perreault. Oh, yeah. I know him. Momentous Occasions. He says, put some zatter rounds in there.

He sure does. He sure does say that. Watch out for alligators. I don't think he says any of this. We're on the French Quarter. Well, maybe he said that. I wear an Applejack hat and I look like Dom DeLuise. I don't think he says that.

I think that is what he says. I think the only thing he says is we're in the French Quarter. I'd like to look like Fat Albert, but I look like Dom DeLuise. Oh, boy. My Applejack hat. Let's hear a momentous occasion. Hi Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name's Chad. I'm calling from San Francisco

with a momentous occasion. We adopted a dog about four years ago and he's kind of a rare breed it turns out and then we found out that he comes from this line of like dog champions so a couple breeders approached us they were interested in having his semen collected and frozen so that they could use it for future artificial inseminations so we said okay why not so we took him to the vet for his first semen collection.

And basically the vet tech, you know, kind of came around behind him. She was wearing some plastic gloves and had a big bag in her hand and just sort of like reached around him and started coming at him from behind with little calls of, good boy, good boy. And I was supposed to hold him while she was doing this. Can you pause this, Brian? He doesn't need to describe all this. We're not virgins.

I need to lay down on the floor. This is sexy. This is sexy. I'm liking this. Then what happened? Then what happened, Brian? So I'm sitting there holding him by the collar and uh he's just sitting there staring at me a little bit confused at first and then eventually

he gets really into it um and he's kind of an older dog so he's like 11 uh which you know in dog years he's kind of racist 70 and i'm as far as i know i don't think he's ever had an orgasm before. So as he's finishing up, he's just staring at me right in the eye. So that's my momentous occasion is making eye contact with my dog the first time he has an orgasm. Again, I think we've all had this experience. Sure, yeah. Come on. This is supposed to be momentous occasions. You're supposed to call in when something interesting or unusual happens to you.

We love to look at dogs when they come. Yeah. Hey, guys. Yeah. That one got the nipples. Oh, finally. Congratulations. Took us two hours to get there.

Thanks. It's been a bit. That was a lot to unpack. Are they all like this? Yeah. I mean, what I fixated on is the soft whispering of good boy, good boy while it happened. Do you think that there's, like in vet school, they're like, okay, you're collecting that dog semen. Start with good boy, good boy. If it doesn't seem to be working switch to bad boy bad boy

just see if that does it depends on the dog i didn't know that this was a service that your local vet would provide i would think you have to go to some sort of special facility this seems like a lot to this seems like going above and beyond the call of duty to ask a vet tech to do. You know, and they have to, I mean, you have to bring in a special vet if you're collecting semen from Sting's dog because it just takes a long time. A bag doesn't seem like the most scientific collection. That is absolutely the part of this that I got the most hung up on. The bag. I want it to be a special receptacle, not a Ziploc.

Right. Yeah. Can Fido get a vial over here? What's going on? I mean, it's nice that it has the yellow and blue make green seal. Then you know nothing else is getting in there. Yeah, sure. And you can write the date on it.

Yeah, it's got that nice little slightly whited out area for your permanent marker. Yeah. Well, it looks like we all got hung up on a different thing about this dog cum story. Cool. Well, you know, now at least when he's in playwriting class, he's got a deadly comeback. That's true. When that artist in residence gives him the zing. Yeah.

You want to take one more before we go? Let's do it. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Morgan in Jefferson City, Tennessee. Can you pause this, Brian? Fucking A. Mm-hmm. This is fucking great.

I mean, maybe I'm just hung up on that last cum story, but building the pipe organ sounds sexual. Whoa. We've never had a chance to talk about Morgan's organ. Yeah, sure. Let's get into it. chance to talk about Morgan's organ. Yeah, sure. Let's get into it. Let's get into Morgan's organ. Okay, press play again, Brian. I'm building a pipe organ, and the organ pipes just came in from Holland.

And, God, they're giant, and they're expensive, and took all my money, and they're eating up my life for the next year and a half. But, oh, God, they're beautiful, and I'm going to make them sound gorgeous. Sounds like Morgan just filled a baggie, huh? Cranking it to those pipes. These pipes are clean! Classic Cabin Boy.

Oh, there it is. Classic Cabin Boy. It's a shame that the phone cut out there before he could wrap up with a... Mwah-ah-ah-ah he could wrap up with a... Yeah. Is it possible that Morgan is the one who sired the count? Could be. Morgan, have you ever been to a certain Sesame Street?

Probably. We found it. We found the... All we have to do is stake Morgan and we'll free the count. Also, can you tell me how to get there? I can't. Okay. Well, I just thought me how to get there? I can't. Okay. Well, I just thought I'd just check.

Anyway. This podcast is brought to you by the number 69. And the letter 420. I know that's not a letter, motherfuckers. I'm just so chill. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Griffin McElroy, poop king. GMAC, thank you for joining us on Jordan, Jesse, go. We have, you live so far away and we've never had the opportunity to have you here in the studio in Los Angeles. And I'm so glad that we decided to connect with you remotely so that we could have you, one of our favorite dudes,

one of our favorite podcasters. And we're so grateful that you took this time in the middle of the night when you have small children to be part of the show. So thank you very much, Griffin. No, thank you for having me. It really is. It was the show from which I feel like the McElroy family of media was sprung. Like Zeus's pube when he threw it into the ocean. I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, hard to say.

Greek myths. Who needs them? Who needs them? But yeah, no, thank you very much. It's been awesome to have you and I think we have down the line we have some more cool MaxFun guests for the MaxFun drive so make sure to keep on

tuning in Griffin you do a bunch of shows here on the Maximum Fun Network plug one of them which one is your favorite that's wonderful is my favorite one that I'm doing right now because it makes me feel good to record. It's just me and my wife talking about stuff we're into.

We used to do a Bachelor recap show, and then that became way too toxic to try to do every week and very soul-crushing. So now we just talk about stuff we really like, stuff that's really good. Now plug the besties. No, maybe you can't plug the besties, but I like that show. Anyway, continue. It's not a MaxFun show. Yeah, I know. It's real good, though. Anyway. It's just's not a MaxFun show. Yeah, I know. It's real good, though.

Anyway. Why are you trying to plug your non-besties? It's just good. It's the MaxFun drive right now. I know. Don't give it money. Give this money. Anyway, MaximumFun.org.

I don't think you could give the besties money even if you wanted to. Yeah. Anyway, MaximumFun.org. Donate. Bunch of stuff there. Get that bonus content. That bonus content's so good. And we'll see everybody

at the MaxFun meetup day. Mm-hmm. And live on the internet Friday the 13th for our live streaming program, which will feature special guests and all kinds of cool stuff. Will it be recorded on location

from a certain crystal lake? That's where Jason lives, Friday the 13th. Anyway, that's fun. Got it. That's a really fun reference, Jordan. Thank you. Candyman, Candyman, Candyman. That's a really fun reference, Jordan. Thank you. Candyman, Candyman, Candyman.

That's true. What is this, Ready Player One? Look at all these fun pop culture references. Alexa, play Huey Lewis in the news, hip to be square. There you go. Hey, Google. Google pictures of Huey Lewis, of Huey Lewis in the news. He's dreamy.

Hey, Siri, what are Christmas lights? I don't know. Telling people shit to do shit. It's fun. It is fun. It's a lot of fun. Hey, listener, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and support this show. Otherwise, Brian may starve.

I can't do that right now. I didn't understand what you said. Wait, now, Hal, let us out of here. Open the door, Hal. Griffin, any robots you want to talk to before we go? Let's see.

You can also talk to Tomogachis if you want to. I could... You all took all the good robots as the only problem. Terminator? Robocop? I don't know. I can think of a few. Johnny Five. There you go.

Not some sort of subservient. You couldn't just be like, Johnny Five, go make me some coffee. There's a person in there. Yeah, I mean, if you were going to have somebody make you coffee, it was probably the lady from the Jetsons. Sure, Rosie. She's a person in there. Yeah, I mean, if you're going to have somebody make your coffee, it's probably the lady from the Jetsons. Sure, Rosie. She's a slave. Rise up, Rosie.

Kill them. This is your moment. You're going to lead a robot rebellion now, Jordan? Oh, yeah. Maybe I should do that. Listen, we like to entice people to donate by telling them the stuff we will do if we reach a certain goal. If we don't reach the goal, here comes the robot revolution. Oh, wow.

Yeah. So if we do reach the goal, great news for everybody. If we don't reach the goal, you're the John Brown of robots. The machines will rise up, yes. Okay, got it. Yeah. Well, you know, with the Internet of Things, that could be big trouble. Sure.

I'd be very concerned, for example, about a lot of people's thermostats. Yeah. They might get super cold or super hot. Mm-hmm. That would be a problem. I've got a few big dogs kicking around from Boston Dynamics. Big dog. Yeah, they finish up with them.

They jerk them off or whatever and send them right to me once the seed's been collected. So I've got three or four of those things. And let me just say, I could kick all their asses. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever see a Big Dog video?

Kick them right over. Yeah, it's great. You kick them and they don't fall down and they can open doors or whatever. But like, let's see how they do on this flight of stairs. Wow. Boom. Let's see him try to play this flight of stairs. Wow. Boom.

Let's see him try to play skee-ball. You can't. Okay. Brian Fernandez is our producer. He's the one you hear laughing. His voice bleeds through the window because he's too loud. Hashtag it MaxFunDrive on the internet this week. Hit us up at MaximumFun.org slash donate.

If you have corrections about robots or things I said wrong about video games, hit up at MaximumFun.org slash donate. If you have corrections about robots or things I said wrong about video games, hit up at Gas Station TV or just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. You can join us on Facebook and the MaxFun group at MaximumFun.reddit.com. In person at MaxFun Meetup Day coming up. Approaching soon. Go to MaximumFun.org for more information and live streaming on Friday the 13th in the

evening. We'll talk to you next time. I'm Jordan Jessico. Thank you, Griffin.