Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 526: Sarcophagus Party with Elliott Kalan and Laura Swisher

Episode Date: April 10, 2018

Celebrated writer and podcaster Elliott Kalan joins Jordan and Jesse for this very special MaxFunDrive episode!  They get into the magical celebrity graveyard trips Elliott and his son take, Jesse's favorite museum in London, and Elliott's dream Michael B Jordan role.  Plus, Laura Swisher, MaxFun's Senior Producer joins in to take calls and talk about the amazing bonus content from across the network. Now is the best time to support the shows you love!!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Beautiful day here in Los Angeles, Jordan. Cool, calm, and collected. That's the city of angels, baby. Do you know,

you're probably a big fan. You know the rapper YG? Sure. I don't. He's a popular... Is it important for the bit that I go along with? No, no, no. I'll explain to you who YG is. No, Jesse, I don't know who that is. YG is a really great rapper. He's part of a sub-genre of rap called gangster rap.

Which is like these guys, they rap about gangs and violence. Okay, I know that. You don't have to go back that far. I don't know the particular guy. I'm familiar with rapping. There's different kinds. So these days, gangster rap is a very small-

Now, hold on. He's a man, right? Now, what's that? What's a man? What is man? What makes man? So rapping is like singing, but there's no melody just rhythms it's sort of like talking over music which is called a beat sounds like my kid could do that

yeah uh that's that by the way is my kid could also paint modern art that is the second paragraph of a new yorker article about hip-hop god yeah his My kid could also be my wife's husband. Beats rap music's musical backing tracks. So why, so gangster rap is like a, is at this point a pretty marginal sub-genre of hip-hop. Like there's elements of it in some popular hip-hop, but most of your pop hip-hop is either about doing Xanax and you're a white guy with face tattoos. That's primarily what it is.

Sure. That's like a 70% of current hip hop is white guys with face tattoos just going, I'm on Xanax. And then there's a couple other- James Franco will play me in a movie. Exactly. You know what? will play me in a movie.

Exactly. You know what? The guy that James Franco played in a movie, Riff Raff, is so much more fun than these Xanax rappers. Like, it's the scale of the amount of more fun that that guy is. And that guy's not a particularly great hip-hop artist. He's made some okay stuff, but he's unremarkable except for his crazy outfits and like purple dreadlocks and whatever yeah um but i've i had to my experience with

with riffraff other than seeing the james franco version of him in the movie spring break in the movie spring breakers was i worked for a show where he was supposed to do a walk-on, so we had to pitch bits for Riff Raff. Uh-huh. I called him. They made me remove a line in the copy saying, ladies and gentlemen, it was Riff Raff. What would happen if Florida became a man? So I had to pitch bits for Riff Raff,

so I had to just sit for a day and watch Riff Raff videos. And after watching five Riff Raffs in a row, I thought to myself, this is probably what having a fatal spider bite feels like. It's not like I'm hot. My whole body is hot. I'm, it's, yeah, itchy. I want to just be nude in a cold bathtub. I think that the new generation of white SoundCloud rappers is sort of like that,

but it's just as you approach the point of death. So you're kind of like getting sleepy. You're still itchy, but now you're sleepy and kind of, you feel like you might throw up. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's that last, just before

the Holy Ghost. Right, before the spider toxins work their magic. Yeah. So the rapper YG is a gangster rapper. And these days, gangster rap often is, like, alarmingly specific. So there was a time when it was, like, Ice Cube would, like, go around and say, you know, oh, I'm a gangster. I like to stick up whatever. Like, oh, I love to fuck with the system, whatever. Right.

Like just kind of general. These days it's like I am from the intersection of this street and this street. And here is a list of people I've killed in real life. It's almost distressing. And YG is not quite that specific, but he's super specific about being a blood. And one of the things about being a blood that he is super into is not saying the letter C if it starts a word. So like, for example like like if you said you had cataracts he would say

you have bataracts so he substitutes B for blood for C for crip which is of course the rival gang that's what happens if Batman has cataracts

yeah or yeah or just like whatever if Batman wants to get his weed card sure so the thing about doesn't Batman know it's recreational now yeah well Batman doesn't like whatever if Batman wants to get his weed card. Sure.

So the thing about- Doesn't Batman know it's recreational now? Yeah. Well, Batman doesn't want to pay the relatively high taxes. Oh, sure. Yeah. So- And to be fair, I bet given Batman's line of work, vigilante justice, I bet there is- We should introduce our guests for this.

Okay. My instincts say is if we're going to do this Batman jag, perhaps we should introduce our guests for this okay my instincts say is we're gonna do this batman jag yeah perhaps we should introduce our guest can i just can i tell you why let's introduce our guest then i'll i'll tell everyone why i mentioned this because it's really just a very brief anecdote not a long story sure so our guest on the program is a celebrated television writer. Wait, you've got like Emmys. Yeah, but I thought – You have Emmys. You've been celebrated.

People celebrate you. I was celebrated by association. They were celebrating Jon Stewart and I received some celebration splash over. You were standing near him. Oh, yes, many times. I've never stood near him. He's very handsome. I'd be uncomfortable.

No, it's very nice. He's very approachable. The closest I've ever been is Jessica Williams in Al Madrigal's office. That's pretty close. Yeah, but it's not standing next to him, buddy. And nobody was throwing Emmys at him at the time.

I wish that was how they delivered the Emmy to you on stage, is they threw it at you. The closest I've been to Comedy Central star Jon Stewart was when I did craft service on Crode Mandun. Crode Mandun. I say Crode.

And the flaming sword of fire. Sorry, I say Crode. I would like it if they just- You say Crode, I say Crode. Let's call the whole thing off. It's a regional thing. Yeah. I would like it-

Where I'm from- At the East Coast, we call it- Yeah. We call it Crode Mandun, just like we say Mario. Oh, right. Sure, sure. And everyone hates it. I would like it if –

Now, what do you call the chocolate news? That's called Chocolat News. It's just about Juliette Binoche. It's hosted by David Alan Greer, though, right? Very much so. I only watch Norm MacDonald's sports show. Oh, rest in peace. What a great show that was.

Okay, so two things. First of all, I would like it if they would just say they give Jon Stewart a dozen Emmys and he apportions them as he sees fit. That's a dangerous idea. We haven't said our guest name. Celebrated. You know that I'm celebrated. TV writer. Yeah. name celebrated know that i'm celebrating tv writer yeah the host one of the three hosts of

the smash hit max fun podcast the flop house uh one of the most successful and longest running comedy podcasts in the world except for joe rogan i guess a lot of other ones it's up there elliot kalin thank you so much for having me. You realize I wasn't sure if I was allowed to talk before I was introduced. So I was holding in so many words that I had to say about things. You're right to be confused. We are rude to our guests. episodes of the show and I've always wondered when is the guest allowed to start talking? Because I don't want to go, I know there's the part of the show that's

Jordan and Jesse going. Sure. Sure, they gotta start to go. Just Jordan and Jesse time, you know? And the guest doesn't need to bump into that. Yeah. The fans call it raw ducking. Go ahead. They don't. They will from now on. What's important, basically, Elliot, is that the guests understand that we will not ask them any questions or include them in any way.

Oh, that's my – look, I don't want to answer anything. Right. And that's because I will – Well, certainly on advice from your counsel. I'm going to plead the fifth because I prefer to just assert things, interrupting other people whenever possible. So I was a guest on a different podcast recently. What? I'm sorry.

You motherfucker. It was a MaxFun podcast though. I still don't care. It was recent MaxFun edition, Jonah Radio. How fun. Hosted by my friend Jonah Ray. But it was one of these things where I'm like, I'm a guest here. I'm not going to just ride roughshod over these people.

Sure. I'm just going to sit back and wait until it's my turn to talk. And afterwards, Jonah was like, I thought you were going to interrupt us more. Isn't that what you do? And I'm like, all right. Well, next time, that's what I'll do. I mean, you really lay back on the flop house. Oh, yeah.

You just let the other guys do their thing. I'm just there to – Jesse, that's Stuart i'll do i mean you really lay back on the flop house oh yeah you just let the other guys do their thing i'm just there jesse that's stewart you're thinking of stewart i thought i thought he sounded different slash worse the one who the one laying back on the flop house is stewart's job at the top and then dan's job later on as he gets very quiet and then i have to ask him questions directly to draw him out of his shell. By the way, Laying Back on the Flophouse is my favorite single from that SoundCloud white rapper. I think I talked about this on the show that we recorded at the Grand Canyon, which Stuart was one of the hosts of. I can't wait to hear that. And wait no more.

As of the release of this show, it's on the MaxFun YouTube channel and in audio form on the MaxFun donor feed. But one of the things that I really resent about Stuart, who's a lovely man and really talented, is that as a person with a pretty good radio voice, I often go out in public and meet people who are familiar with my voice. often go out in public and meet people who are familiar with my voice and then they cannot even manage to hide their disappointment with what i look like like they can't and stewart also has a lovely radio voice or podcast voice and stewart is very handsome oh yeah he looks just like he sounds and i hate it every time every time i see see him, I'm like, look at fucking Stewart. As handsome as he sounds. Yeah, but a lot of work went into that. Yeah, I believe that.

That's the thing to remember. Yeah, a lot of work, a lot of money. A lot of time out of the country, you could say. Oh, wow. In places where they do things to the human body that are not quite legal here. Sure, sure, sure. Oh, wow. Are you saying that he used to be like a minotaur?

He took the words right out of my mouth. He was a minotaur, yes. He went out on a plastic surgery barge off the coast of the Dominican Republic out into international waters. He was the minotaur. And the thing is- Oh, wow. Everyone thinks Theseus killed the minotaur. No, that's not what happened.

He survived and he opened up a bar in Brooklyn. Theseus killed the minotaur. No, that's not what happened. He survived and he opened up a bar in Brooklyn. He got a load of – he went into the witness production program and turned the tables on whichever king of Crete built that labyrinth to throw people – Hard to say. You know what? At this point – Yeah, one of those guys.

I think it was Abraham Lincoln, but don't quote me on that. I won't quote you on that. Okay. I'm going to have to see your citation for that. Okay. And yeah. It's a good thing we have a bibliography for this podcast. Every podcast we like to construct a bibliography. Apparently this

article is a stub and it needs further citations. Sure. But yeah, anyway, and then he opened a bar in Brooklyn eventually. Oh, I was just saying, I think Batman should get his weed card because it's stressful. He has a legit reason to toke up at the end of the night.

Here's what I'm going to tell you. It might shatter some fantasies or illusions or desires or – Allusions. Allusions. Allusions or allusions. My guess is that Alfred has had a medical card for a while now and that Bruce just partakes of it. Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean I've been that guy in my circle of friends before, the one guy who got the card and then everybody was like, hey, if you're going, I'll give you 50 bucks.

And it's not a huge pain in the ass, but you resent it a little bit. Because Bruce Wayne – Batman won't break the law except for all the laws he breaks constantly in his nightly activities as Batman. But if he's like, Alfred, this isn't really breaking the law. Like it's kind of a gray area. I'm using it because I've got some pains and I have to fly in the Batwing later. You know what I get about flying. Alfred's like, Master Bruce, I did it in a telephone call over lunch. It's not particularly difficult.

Yeah, but I just feel weird. It costs $40 and you're a billionaire. And then he's like, what kind of edibles do you have, Alfred? You can go yourself. You go. You don't. Anyway, that's me. I'm Alfred in that situation.

I have been Alfred in that fun sketch. So the rapper YG has a song. That would be good if Mad TV was still on the air. What if that man got his weed card? I am constantly coming up with sketch ideas and getting very mad that there are very few outlets for sketches. Yeah. I have access to none of them. And I'll tell you one of these sketches after you finish this story about YG the rapper.

It's not – again, I want to lower people's expectations. I just don't want to not deliver the end of this. Right. So you're saying he replaces his C's with B's. Right. Because he is a blood. And he, of course, his rival gang is the Crips. Sure.

So he would say that his favorite Nibblodian song was Blurissa Exploited. I think he only does it at the beginning of the word. So his favorite Nickelodeon show is Blurrissa explains it all. But he's also – he's literally living a Monty Python sketch where the guy realizes that he can't say Cs. He can only say Bs. And the guy says, why don't you just start color with a K? Why don't you start buller with a K? He goes, color?

Oh, yeah. Oh, why didn't I think of that? What a silly bunt. And that's the punchline to the whole sketch. So he's literally living this Eric Idle sketch about a guy who can't say those words. Yeah, that seems about right. And he has a song on one of his recent records, which, again, I really, really like his music. It's a play on the phrase cool, calm, and collected.

And the song is called Bull, Balm, and Belective. And he repeats that. That's the chorus of the song. It's about how he can kill different people and do all and he's be shot at and killed. But he's cool, calm and collected the whole time. And I think – Good for him, by the way. There is no more perfect example of like a situation where you know there was a recording engineer sitting there trying to decide whether to tell YG that the expression is cool, calm, and collected not cool, calm, and collective. But then he just decides, he's like, well

he already sounds so dumb because he's saying cool, calm, and collective. He's saying balm which is a word. Forest for the trees. But also both of those, like both the song is about and the reason that he's doing this dumb thing, his murderousness.

Sure. So it's really like a tradeoff like do I want to let this person who's currently rapping about how chill he is about murdering. So there you go. That kind of thing happens even with non-murderers. I've seen many times when someone is famous or even just the boss and they are wrong about something and everyone's like, OK, I guess that's the word we use for this from now on. Like that's – he thinks that's the name of that person's dog. So I guess that's what we're going to call that dog from now on. I heard one kind of like reverse of that story that I thought was pretty magical from Ben Harrison who is one of the – The president. Yes, exactly.

President Benjamin Harrison. Yes. Ben Harrison, the host of Friendly Fire and Greatest Generation here at MaximumFun.org. Ben is from Oakland, and he had a buddy who worked when they were in college at a recording studio in Oakland, and one day

E-40 came in in order to record a guest verse on like an R&B song, like a local R&B song. And they had booked a three hour session and it was like... A minnow tour is what it's called. Yeah. Because the minnow was on a three hour tour. Got it. Not because

it's half man half bull. Wow. It's a different minnow tour. No. Got it. Okay. So Jesus Christ. I apologize for weaving an! Got it. Okay. So, um, Jesus Christ. I apologize for weaving an audio tapestry. Sure. We gotta set the scene. Yeah. So, uh, E-40 went in with his,

you know, with his entourage. And you know E-40 rolls deep. Forty people, I assume. Roughly. You know. All the whole staff of Sick Widow Records. So they all go in, they all go in there, and they're all just, you know, E-40. I don't know if you know this about E-40, but he carries jug wine with him because it's actually, I think, sad because he's an alcoholic. But it's like a fun part of his.

It's a fine line between my cute quirk and get help. Yeah. But I mean, the man's, you know, one of his nicknames is 40 water, so-called, because he drinks 40s like water. Because, again, it's actually sad because he's an alcoholic. But E-40 went in with all his buddies into the studio. And, you know, they're just drinking jug wine and getting high. And like two hours and 45 minutes go by. And E-40 comes out to the front desk, which is where this Ben's buddy worked and said, hey, man, you white, what does equestrian mean?

And Ben's buddy goes, I mean, having to do with horses. And E-40 is like, all mean, having to do with horses. And E-40's like, alright, cool. And he goes back in the studio, fucking writes a verse and records it in the last 15 minutes that's about the word equestrian and leaves. And it was like the greatest triumph

of the hip-hop art in the history of popular music. Is that available somewhere? Did that ever come out? You're going to have to do a search of Rap Genius or the original Hip Hop Lyrics Archive if you want to find that one. But I also don't want you to do that in case it's not a true story. On the subject of death. Yes.

Oh, good. Yeah. Guys, we've been having a lot of fun, but the Reaper comes for us all. Sure. I think about it a lot. A couple weeks ago, Jesse, we talked about your trip with your kids to Legoland. Yeah, in Carlsbad, California. Where the-

Oh, I've got to go there. Just weaving a tapestry, Ellie. Yeah, no, that's great. Where the stink of death is potent, as potent as the corn dogs. Sure. And it reminded me of- No, there's the killing no, that's great. Where the stink of death is potent, as potent as the corn dogs. Sure. And it reminded me of- No, there's the killing fields of northern San Diego. Sure, right.

It reminded me of, I think this is a story you told on the Flophouse, Elliot, of you taking your son to a famous showbiz cemetery. Oh, yeah. We went to, what's the one, what's the really, really big one? It's not- Hollywood Forever? Don't, it's not, no, Forest Lawn. Yeah. We went to – what's the one – what's the really, really big one? It's not – Hollywood Forever? Don't – it's not – no, Forest Lawn. Yeah. We went to – Hollywood Forever we need to go to. Yeah.

And we really want to go see Groucho's Grave, which is at a Jewish cemetery that I don't remember the name of. But he talks about it with me every now and then where he's like, we're going to go see Groucho's Grave, right, Dad? I'm like, yeah, yeah. But we went to – but Flophouse – Okay. So where did he learn about Groucho's Grave? Well, okay. Well, I'll go back even further.

So my son has – I have indoctrinated him into the Marx Brothers. Sure. We spent 30 minutes today watching the beginning of Horse Feathers because he and I are watching all the Marx Brothers movies in chronological order. Your son is four. Yes. So what does he like about them, the harp songs? He does love harpo. Anything harpo is doing, he finds hilarious.

The harp songs he will sit through. But he finds Harpo hilarious. He finds any time where Harpo – where Chico asks Harpo – and I say Chico because of years of Dan McCoy berating me about St. Chico. Any time Chico asks Harpo for something and Harpo gives him an object that rhymes with the object Chico asked for. Thinks that's hilarious. That's pretty funny. He loves to play on our backyard trampoline. We have to reenact that scene while jumping. He finds the physical stuff

very funny and I think he enjoys seeing me laugh at the other stuff. I can see him getting a little bored during the Groucho scenes because it's all talk talk talk. I find it hilarious. He'll be like, where's Harpo? When's Harpo coming back? Yeah.

But we went to, Dan McCoy, my co-host on The Flophouse, was in town for a Los Angeles show that we did that Jordan joined us for because Stuart had hurt himself

and couldn't fly. Oh, that was a great show. I remember listening to that show on the podcast and loving it. Thanks, I enjoyed it a lot. The only thing that would have made it better

is if Dan had hurt himself. I would have been the star of the show. But we were looking for things to do and we were like, why don't we go visit Chico and Gummo are both buried at Forest Lawn. Let's just go there. And we went and I was like,

there's so many celebrity graves there I wanted to visit. Some of the best ones are behind Lock and Key. Can't go over to Humphrey Bogart's grave that's been had a locked door because i don't know he needs privacy in the afterlife he's gone everybody but uh because i mean you know you know the ghost of bogart's fucking wait you know he's fucking humphrey bogart is dead oh yeah he's dead then that was his ghost that you had sex with that night? Yeah. In a Dan Aykroyd type scenario?

Yeah. But so yeah, we went there and he really liked it a lot. And so we've been talking about going to Groucho's grave. Do you think Dan Aykroyd thinks he's gotten a blowjob from a ghost? I don't know that he's reached that level of senility yet. Are you talking about a blowjob? I think Dan Aykroyd believes a lot of things. He can still tell movies

he's been in from his real life. He hasn't reached Ronald Reagan level yet. But they say write what you know. I think he's got a screenplay credit on that thing. He wrote, I mean, Ghostbusters was Dan Aykroyd's baby from day one and he is, I think, the third in a multi-generational dynasty of Canadian paranormal investigators.

Oh, yeah. You don't have to tell me this. I'm friends with John Hodgman. That reminds me of a new podcast that John and I have been doing to zero listeners, which is called John Hodgman Calls Elliot While He's Driving Over to Pick Up His Son from School. And it's my favorite new podcast. Anyway, I wish people could listen to it, but you can't. It's a phone call. But we had a very long discussion with him, between me, him, and his son, over which character in Friends is the worst.

Oh, wow. In the show Friends. In the show Friends. The sitcom Friends. Okay. Yeah, yeah. In the hit sitcom. Right.

Which character was the best and which was the worst? Which was the most entertaining or who was the best person? Who would you want to know ever as a human being? And who would you never want to know as a human being? Boy, I – you know, friends – I kind of missed friends. I have seen – I've seen some friends. I've seen some friends, but I remember at some point in life having a discussion with some of my friends about the show Friends. And you said, check, Blaze.

You were hanging out at a coffee shop called Central Pork. Right, yeah. We also serve sausage. Coffee, sausage. That sounds great. Yeah, that does sound nice. You can stir your coffee with your sausage. Oh, that's a problem I always have at coffee places. I don't like coffee.

What am I going to buy while I'm there? I end up getting either a bottle of water or coffee places always seem to have just coffee or the biggest pieces of cake or enormous chocolate chip cookies. It's like, alright, I guess I'm having a chocolate chip cookie at 10 a.m. And some ice water. A nice brownie and some ice water.

This is my breakfast today. And I remember talking with the friends about friends and them all them all and me revealing myself to be a fraud because a friend fraud, a friend fraud fraud, because i thought that the monkey was always a part of the show but the monkey had left two or three seasons earlier and i had to kind of own up to the fact that i thought friends was a show about a man and his monkey it's interesting and there were some tertiary characters so yeah i that is definitely not one of those things i am nostalgic for uh i saw a handful i you know Ross and Rachel. I know Rachel's haircut. Tom Selleck was involved at some point. But yeah, I don't know a lot of – so I don't think I would be able to hang in a discussion about the quality of people. Oh, Smelly Cat.

I remember Smelly Cat. Anyway. So you know all the stuff that would appear like on commercials. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. While I was tuning in for the single guy or seinfeld or seinfeld it was must see tv must see seinfeld friends the single guy

carolyn the city carolyn the city aisha tyler the black we watched a lot we watched a lot of carolyn the city in my house carolyn city is the city was really a character and yeah that's a really good point yeah thank you really got a sense that this story could happen, not in the city. Oh, sorry. I was pretending to be a plane. I didn't want to listen to Elliot. So anyway... Jordan, we need to do an apocalypse now for you. That's the thing that

to drop a thread and pick up another one. Oh, the horror. Whenever I'd ask my dad as a kid about the 60s, he'd always go, it was a different time. And I'd kind of be quiet for a little bit. And I could feel him turning his head and then hear the chopper blades all along the watchtower. Yeah. But my dad did not serve in the military. Sure.

But that just was my idea of what the 60s was. I guess everybody was in Vietnam at the time. I guess everybody was in Vietnam at the time. One time I was talking to my dad about what the 60s were like, and he's like, yeah, I spent a summer painting my bathroom to look like the inside of a serviceman's coffin. Oh, boy. And I was like, whoa! Whoa! He fucking 12 out of 10 me, like the extent to which my dad did that shit in the 60s is so extraordinary that like I could never, I can't even process it.

Much less imagine that my dad, a real person, actually did it. It was a different time. Yeah. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I wanted to ask you. So the worst person. Oh, the worst friends. Ross, worst friend.

Now he, this is played by Schwimmer. Yes. Who was a paleontologist. He was a paleontologist. And owned this is played by Schwimmer. Yes. Who was a paleontologist. He was a paleontologist. And owned a monkey for not long enough. Yes. And best, they were making a case for Joey. I made a case for Phoebe.

Being the best. Being the best. Being someone where it's, and I mean, partly because I have friends who basically are Phoebe. Sure. So I'm like, this is someone I could see having a lot. Yeah. Which one is Phoebe? Phoebe is Lisa Kudrow.

Well, Lisa Kudrow. Yeah. One thing about Lisa Kudrow is, I've had Lisa Kudrow one time on Bullseye, and she's cool as shit. Like, talking to Lisa Kudrow, I was like, man, Lisa Kudrow's great. I want to be friends with Lisa Kudrow. Executive producer of one of the best genealogy television shows that's ever gone. For sure. Top ten anyway.

Minimum. Yeah. I never – I've watched one episode of Friends all the way through. It was when Lisa Kudrow came on Bullseye. I watched the pilot of Friends. But I've seen many incidental minutes of it on must-see TV. of it on must see tv but like certainly i don't think like there are parts of my like uh adolescent identity that uh i have let go of pretty thoroughly i think um certainly being a big fan of the hip-hop group arrested development um that kind of thing but like uh i don't think I could give Friends a fair shake.

No, I think at this point probably not. I just feel like too much of – as I was becoming who I was, too much of me was invested in liking Seinfeld and hating Friends. Liking news radio and hating Friends also to some extent. News radio is way better than Friends to me. But then I'm a weird guy. Yeah. I like weird shows about weird people. Yeah, me too.

I'm not a business. Not normal shows about sex pots. And monkeys. And a monkey. For not quite long enough. Jordan, I feel like we cut off your story about that. Yeah, you were going to say something about that. Oh, no. I was going to ask you just because I found that story so delightful that you guys go to celebrity graveyards.

I was going to ask if you had gone on any other child trips with your child and where to? I mean we go lots of places. Yeah. Mainly playgrounds. That's where his interest lies the most. We went to – for my birthday last year, I really wanted to go to an art museum. We went to LACMA. And he did the funniest thing where we were in the painting section, which he liked for a little bit.

And then it was lunchtime. It was time to go. And I kept getting distracted by things because I'm a dad. And I have to read everything that is written on a wall. Right. That's why. Sure. You got to get a little education while you're there.

When am I going to be there again? Sure. Probably sometime. And I was looking at paintings. I'm like, isn't this cool, Sam? And he was like, yeah, yeah. It's great, Dad. It's lunch. Yeah, yeah. Sure, Dad. Sure, Dad. Let's go. Let's get lunch. I want to go to that weirdly fancy Marie Callender's that's near there. Oh, no. We went across the street and ate food out of a truck. Oh, that's fun. There's some nice trucks there. Yeah, it was good. Good truck scene over there by LACMA. I signed up for an art museum membership

because my friend Noe convinced me that children are willing to go to the art art museum if you just say we're going to the art museum and it has worked astonishingly well oh yeah like you can't get more than 90 minutes out of it yes but that's pretty good like i yeah fuck it i like going to the art museum let's just go to the fucking art museum. He and I, we went to – when we went to New York over New Year's to visit family and friends and such forth, he and I, we had a day where it was just me and him and we went to the Met, which I haven't been to in years. And I used to go – when I was in college, I had a membership to that museum and I would just go and hang out there. Like I would go – so there were weekend days where I would go when it opened and I'd stay till it closed. Get yourself a nice brownie and some ice water.

Just stroll. And once I have the membership, I don't need to buy something to stay in the museum. But yeah, I would get a brownie and ice water. Is this like an E40 story?

Is this just actually about, is this just actually about the tragedy of your young life? And I was cultured, but then he was like. I would go in the bathroom stall and cry. There was certainly a point And then I was cultured. Then he was like – I would go in the bathroom stall and cry.

There was certainly a point where he like shuts down. He's like, no more. But he was really into seeing a lot of stuff and like he'll sit and look at something for a long time if it really catches his eye. And there's a thing at LACMA that's this kinetic dealy where it's cars going through a city. Yeah, it's called Metropolis. Metropolis. And he could sit and watch. Yeah, it's called Metropolis. Metropolis. And he could sit and watch that forever. It's mesmerizing.

It's amazing. And it's little cars driving around, which is his favorite thing in the world. Yeah, that is almost a like a – if the joke of that was – I've seen this too. This thing is fucking amazing. You can watch like – if you can't go to it, watch a video of this thing. There's a lot of good videos of this thing online. It is essentially like a maybe 20 foot by 20 foot block of car roads and fake city pieces made out of every kind of thing that you would build a children's city out of, blocks and

things like that. And then the cars go up to the top of a thing and they race down. But there's literally like 2,000 cars on all these intertwined tracks and there's trains going around. And it's like the densest pool of activity, which obviously is why it's an artistic expression

of what a city is like. And I think that, yeah, if the joke of this thing was we let a hyper five-year-old conceive of an art piece, that would absolutely track to me. Yeah. Yeah. It's really something. There's also an opposite piece that my children are on board for.

It's called Block-A-Stone. Sure. Well, I mean, yes. It's not called Block-A-Stone, but there's this piece called Levitated Mass that is – Oh, yeah, yeah. I know that one. Essentially, it is a – like a – It's like a boulder, right?

It's an art boulder. So I was trying to describe what the thing is that you walk through. What's that, a channel? It's like a – it's almost like a pedestrian underpass. Yes, exactly. It goes under a boulder like Wile E. Coyote dropped a boulder. Yeah, and the boulder is so huge that they had to like— Sponsored from a generous grant from the Acme Company.

Yeah. From our friends at Bank of America and Acme. The boulder is so huge that they had to do things like remove light poles along the route that it came to the LACMA. It took 40 years between when this art piece was conceived and when it was implemented and so on and so forth. And it sits above this pedestrian underpass with only the tiniest amounts of the boulder supported on either side. So you're essentially walking underneath this boulder that's so immense you almost can't imagine it's real. It's like an Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail challenge.

Yes. It's like, do you have faith? Sure, yeah. And it really is so big that my son Oscar touched it and he said, it feels like a real rock. And I said, honey, it is a real rock. And I said, honey, it is a real rock. And he said, it's a real rock. I'm out of here. Feets don't fail me now.

I said, Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail. It's Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I just couldn't remember the full title that I now I want to see. Indiana Jones and the Meaning of Life. Yeah, basically. Indiana Jones and the Life of Brian. Sure. But the, yeah, he likes that a lot too, walking under that boulder. It's funny. Well, it's breathtaking.

I mean it's completely awe-inspiring. And I like it because unlike the Grand Canyon, which made me sick to my stomach and made me want to cry because I was worried that I would fall, there's no worry about falling. Something falling on me is not a worry for me. It's interesting what you're talking about, about having the route it had to take. That's what the obelisk that's outside of the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Look, guys, I'm from the New York area. Everything's got to be compared to what it's like in New York for me. You know, I didn't know until you started talking like that.

Hey, maybe you don't know I'm from New Jersey, and we're like little New York. Sure. So when people ask us where we're from, we just say New York. You know why we can't have good obelisks here in Los Angeles? It's the water. It's the water. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I'm always walking around L.A., and I'm like, this time of night in New York, You know why we can't have good obelisks here in Los Angeles? It's the water. It's the water. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

I'm always walking around LA and I'm like, this time of night in New York, I could be having an obelisk. Yeah. I mean, we have obelisks, but they close at two. It's like, has no one realized that you can call up and order an obelisk and have it delivered to your house? It's not that crazy. But it's-

Hello, I'm calling from my car phone. Isn't that crazy? But it's – Hello. I'm calling from my car phone. It's called Cleopatra's Needle because they all are, all ancient Egyptian obelisks. Sure. And it was brought over in the late 19th century and it's like they had to do – they had to construct like a train track just to bring it from the harbor to where the museum was. And they had to move it so slowly and it was so long that they

had to they were like moving things out of the way and it's there's a whole book about it that uh where they just talk about the process of moving this thing it sounds astonishing i can't believe my tax dollars went to that i mean my kid could move that obelisk there is a museum in there is a museum in london called the Sir John Soane Museum that I – Sir John Soane. Yeah. He's a minor royalty. So I went there just on a kind of on a recommendation from somebody or something a few years ago.

And I was like, oh, this is my favorite museum I've ever been to in my entire life. It's the greatest thing ever. I've ever been to in my entire life. It's the greatest thing ever. And the guy who created this museum was a pioneering architect in the, I'm going to say, early 18th century. Let's call it that. Late 18th century, something like that. And he, among other things, like he invented making a copy of classical architecture, like a scale model of classical architecture so that you could use it to teach architecture classes.

Before that, everyone just had to go to the classical architecture. Well, your assignment tonight is to go to the Acropolis. I'll wait. Sure. Come back. Check it out. This is like a seven-week journey. Okay. journey okay but like at the time the fucking hottest shit in the world like if you were the fucking if you were the if you were the p diddy white party thrower of london in the 18th century

the shit you had to have was a sarcophagus oh yeah they love that stuff and so they got it he so sir johnstone had a sarcophagus now this is actually sounds a lot like this is actually something i've done i've talked. I've talked about it. I talked about it on the show years ago when it happened. But I went to Nicolas Cage's estate sale. Nicolas Cage. I thought you were just going to say years ago like when the show started in the mid-18th century. Yeah, the mid-18th century.

Yeah, it was us and Ricky Gervais. You were an antiquities robber. Yeah. Podcast was a lot more exciting then. I went to Nicolas Cage's estate sale, famously has tax problems, and there was a thing where you could go and just paw through Nicolas Cage's shit. To see what he ate? Like what kind of seeds? You're right, yes.

And we knew he was around because it was still warm. Oh, wow. Nicolas Cage is here. He's stalking us. Are we the hunters or the hunted? Nicolas Cage, a lot of sarcophaguses. Sarcophagi? Anyway. Sure. A lot of them. Anyway. So he was the

that guy of mine. Cleopatra's needles. Sure, yeah. He has a... Oh, mummy night-night cases. This is a mummy sleepy box. Night-night mummy. You go in your sleepy box. He built a mausoleum into the bottom of his house. Nicolas Cage.

Sir John Soane. Oh. The Nicolas Cage of his day. Nicolas Cage does have a pyramid-shaped mausoleum in New Orleans that he plans to be buried. Oh, that's nice. In honor of his legendary work in the film Bad Lieutenant, Port of Call, New Orleans. I gotta believe it. I guess it's a combination of national treasure.

The pyramid being the eye on the dollar that tells you where Ben Franklin's bones are buried. I have not seen this movie. I love the idea that you need a secret code to find where Ben Franklin's bones are buried. Just look it up. Well, those are the fake bones.

Well, they bury his. Because he didn't want to be cloned. Underneath his gravestone is where his flesh was buried. His bones were removed. Yeah. So Sir John Soane has a mausoleum in his basement for the sarcophagus, him, and his dog. And in order to install the sarcophagus they built the first he built the mausoleum then he took out the middle of the floor of the two floors above the mausoleum and installed a

railway so every part of the house you can look down at the sarcophagus and then finally he realized that they couldn't get the sarcophagus in the house so he removed the entire facade of his home so that they could install the sarcophagus then replaced the entire facade of his home this is like you know uh whatever brickwork or whatever stonework so you couldn't just like take out a hole a sarcophagus sized hole they had to take the whole thing off put the sarcophagus in put it down and then he had a fucking epic week long sarcophagus party where just he invited everybody

and everybody just milled around just get fucks up on opium oh it was gorgeous okay we have a sarcophagus party to throw so

right we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Max Fun Drive on your show. Oh, yeah, that's true. And Max Fun Drive is, I think, maybe the most exciting time of the year. Easily. Yeah, it's definitely the one where— I apologize.

It wasn't— No contest! I mean, there's a lot of exciting time— Christmas? Go fuck yourself! I'm coming off a real high from Passover. I do. Passover's pretty good.

What about March Madness? No way! You got the men's NCAA tournament and the women's NCAA tournament. Shove your bracket up your ass! Oh my goodness! Watch this voice! The musical guest, Florence and the Machine! That was like a WFAN show that just turned into the SLO.

Don Pardo, who I think has been dead for years. Are you Mike or the Mad Dog? Hard to say, really. Some days he's Mike, some days he's the Mad Dog. The Max Fun Drive, if you haven't heard on this or any other Max Fun Show, is the one two-week period a year, actually even a little bit less than two weeks in the year, when we come to you, hat in hand, and say, if you love this show or you love other shows in the MaxFun network, will you please pay for it?

It's easy to do. There's lots of cool prizes. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Can I tell a personal story about the- About- Elliot, please. All right. It's good.

I think you'll like it. Jordan, the MaxFunDrive isn't about you. If this show were about you- That's true. Your name would be in the title. I know. I know. It's about you talking about your favorite Michael B. Jordan movies.

It's about YG. Yeah. Personal story. Max Fun Drive. Let's go. So this is more along the lines of the importance of the podcast. And something I like so much about the Max Fun Drive is that it's a time for – Jordan, can I interject here real quick?

Please. Would you please? Thank you. Creed. That's my favorite Michael B. Jordan movie. It's a time for – Jordan, can I interject here real quick? Please. Would you please? Thank you. Creed. That's my favorite Michael B. Jordan movie. It's a good one. I loved Creed. It's a good one.

I loved it. Contender. Loved it. My favorite is the Thin Man remake I want to make with Michael B. Jordan and Anna Kendrick. So a fake movie. Well, it doesn't have to be a fake movie. Yeah. If someone can wrest the rights away from Johnny Depp,

who has been trying for years to get a Thin Man remake done with him as Nick Charles, which is a stupid idea. Sure. Because Johnny Depp is just going to do a fucking imitation of William Powell, who is perfect as Nick Charles. Why would you try to top perfection? Okay. Okay. Let's get back to Jordan's story. Do you think that Johnny Depp will rescind the rights if Michael B. Jordan promises to wear nine scarves in the film?

But he's going to be counting. He's going to go frame by frame counting those scarves. He only has eight in this one. Here's my concern, Jordan. My concern is that somehow we transitioned from you telling this story to you as a batting practice pitcher for Elliot, who's in a sort of like Elliot home run derby. Right. Which is talking about his dream casting for a remake of

the thin man movies uh so personal something i like so much about the max fun drive yeah is it's it's not only a time uh for listeners to support these great shows that they like so much but it's also a time for them to to get on get on social media to get on reddit and talk about why they love the shows and a lot of it has really been hitting me where i live blackburn avenue that's my street uh it's really been hitting me where i live uh because i and particularly i had this moment uh this week where i a little bit of a little bit of a career disappointment. One of my beloved what I felt was consistent sources of freelance writing income turned out to be not so consistent.

It just it flew out the window. I was sad to see it go. And, you know, better times ahead, perhaps. But but but but it was it was a it was a it was a crummy it was a crummy situation and but it also coincided to a time where i had to drive to a big fucking family thing and when you feel like your life isn't going great the last thing one wants to do is be surrounded by family you want to be alone yeah but i mean i think especially if you if the disappointment is and this is something that folks who uh folks who have actual jobs might like one of the weird things about working in show business is that you're constantly having to explain that you, that how you make a living.

Sure. And if it's, even if it's going well, it's often something where people are like, I don't know, I've never heard of it. Sure. And when it's not going how you'd like,

uh, it can be doubly difficult. Yeah. As my friend, Nick White, who used to work here at Max Ponce, have you ever tried to explain what podcasting is to your dentist? Sure.

Right. Yeah. Uh, mine, mine is always to an aunt at a wedding. Yeah. Are you a weird aunt? You'reing is to your dentist? Sure. Right. Yeah. Mine is always to an aunt at a wedding. Yeah. Are you a weird aunt? You're seated next to at a wedding.

Yeah. Who's asked what you do. So, yeah, this was a thing was like, you know, if you, you know, you can have a little disappointing time around your close family. But this was a thing where it was like, I've got this step family and they've got neighbors who are going to be here. And it's just going to be this thing where I have to chit chat with people. And I don't want to.

I don't want. I don't want to. And plus, it was a long drive. It's all the way down to Orange County. So that's that can be two hours on the fucking freeway. Yeah. And I got in the car and I put my iPhone on my little iPhone cradle so it can give me the map to go down to this fucking thing I don't want to do. And the little blip pops up that said there is a new episode of The Flophouse.

And I was so – I can't believe how happy I was. It was such a fucking 180 flip from this. I got to do this ride, this drive to this thing I don't want to do. I'm like, no, you know what? I have a fucking excuse to sit and listen to three of the funniest humans that I could not love more just goof around in my ears and I get to laugh and forget this bad day and I get to go into this thing I don't want to do in a 90% better mood. The power of podcasts.

They are a powerful thing. You turned that bad drive into a max fun drive. I sure did. Oh, wow. Yes. Thanks, that's very sweet of you. But not a drive angry 3D. No.

Oh, too bad. So I definitely kind of know firsthand that podcasts, you know, more so than TV or movies or other kinds of media that do a similar thing. I don't know. They are just, you know, they're just a little more special. There's a very intimate connection between the listener and the podcaster that even goes beyond. I think it's something that like when you listen to people talk about like Gene Shepard on the radio. It's that kind of thing. But in a way, it even goes beyond that because you know when Gene Shepard is talking on the radio. It's being broadcast out into the waves and you just happen to be able to catch it.

Whereas a podcast is something that you are – like that new episode came in and you called it up. And you like – there's just something about it that makes it feel like there's more of a relationship between you and the podcasters. And Max Fundrive is a way to like strengthen that relationship in some ways by – it's like the – I don't know. It kind of reinforces just how strong that relationship has been in a way that like I know means a lot to us on the Flophouse. I assume it means a lot to you guys. Yeah, and it's really nice. And I think that just know that the people who are doing it for MaxFun, the only way they can break even doing it is if you go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And think of it like a tip.

You tip your bartender. You tip your rideshare driver. You tip your barista if you're if you're nice why not tip your podcasters do you feel like you have an intimate relationship with any of those people

no way I hate them I actively dislike them I'm pitching a Cinemax show right now about having an intimate relationship with your ride share driver

oh boy no it's called intimate relationships which is the kind of title those shows would have or is it called like is it called like night ride it's called Intimate Relationships, which is the kind of title those shows would have. Or is it called like Night Ride? It's called Dick Lift.

Oh, sure. Yeah. These are the tales that lift driver Richard Lift tells his passengers. But anyway, not to piggyback too much on your MaxFun drive story, but I will say that it's like being part of the Flophouse and a part of MaxFun has – one, it's provided a link with – I moved recently from New York to Los Angeles, and it's a big move, which it seems like it shouldn't be in the 21st century when I can literally – I was talking on FaceTime with my sister who lives in London this morning. It was 9 a.m. for me and 5 p.m. for her. Like this is crazy. What's going on, earth? But it still feels like a long – you're a long way away from people and the Flophouse has provided this – and this Maximum Community has provided like a link between me and the people I left behind.

It's provided a community that I can be a part of here in Los Angeles and it's also through the drive, it's helped me stay afloat in a not insignificant way at a time when I'm like rebuilding my career basically from kind of scratch because an awful lot of people are not interested in hiring me for the things that I want to be hired for. So it's like a – it's a real – it's not an insignificant thing. It's a very meaningful thing and it means a lot to me and to all of us. Yeah. I mean it's like when you're doing a show like this one or like The Flophouse, like sometimes you'll do one of these shows and you'll put it out and you're like, God, that was really funny. I think everybody is going to like this. We had a great time. We talked. We laughed.

a great time we talked we laughed and then you know you look on social media you look on reddit and just the first thing you see is somebody correcting a comment you made about universal monsters or something and you're like why am i doing this and it's so nice to go online after you put out a show now and say people like hey by the way elliot please stop doing that he's not get your universal monster stuff straight. No, I don't. And it's weird that you will text Dana Gould and ask him to back you up on stuff. There's no one else I trust about this stuff. Yeah. And D. Gould.

And, yeah, so it's so nice to go online where people are talking about the shows and instead of them correcting minor things that you got wrong in conversation saying, hey, I love this show. It makes me feel great. And I'm supporting it with a little cash because it means something to me. So it's really, really nice. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I really like when I love to hear like stories about how it has changed people's lives in extraordinary ways. But that's very difficult for – I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty anhedonic. I have a hard time like accepting any kind of big emotion from anyone and certainly happy ones.

So like when people tell us about how it got them through a really hard time in their life, I can only appreciate it intellectually sometimes because it's a little overwhelming. But something that I really love hearing is like, when somebody just says like, yeah, I mean I spend 10 bucks a month on Hulu, so

Yeah, I know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, right. It doesn't have to be, you guys were here for me when I was getting chemotherapy, which is a wonderful thing to hear. It is a totally amazing thing to hear. But I just love when people just say, like, look, I know that you could put this behind a paywall and you don't because, you know, there's a lot of reasons. I don't want to put anything behind a paywall. I want people to be able to, you know, I want people who don't have any money to be able to listen to it. I want people to be able to give it a try. I want people to be able to share it with other people when something they think is cool happens on it, whatever.

Right. I want it to be out there and available, but it is like, it's so cool to me that people who I am not forcing to give us money, you know what I mean just say like yeah this is worth 10 bucks you know like yeah i like this i i you know i this is good that is weirdly like the most the most uh the most nurturing or uh nutritive bit of feedback that i get from the max fund drive is just thinking like, sure, there's people in the world where they needed something to distract them from the clowns in Washington. They needed something to get them through the really, you know, a family illness or an illness of their own or whatever it is. And all that stuff is so awesome. But honestly,

the core meal for me of the MaxFunDrive is just thinking, yeah, that's great. Like these people think that I'm doing – that we're doing a good thing that's worth paying for like other things that are professional. You know what I mean? Like that is – I know it sounds like you guys work on real entertainment. But like for me, that's such a powerful piece of evidence that we're doing something right. Doing something real. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's so beautiful. And I know that it also – especially for you guys. I mean we were talking about how weird and hard it is to have those kind of freelance jobs. Our producer Brian, he spent a year as a union writer on a television program, which is an amazing job that he'd been working his first 15 years of his professional career to get to. And the show to you know write specs or drive lift or work at starbucks or kind of the things that you know you do when you're between shit you can say no people are i have bosses they're you know cutting me a check every month so i have to come in and do my job which is make a podcast and that's great when one of your

you know one of your hustles can be making a podcast for people instead of you know one of those other things i mean i know that was a big deal for you guys elliot when you came to max fun was that you guys have been busting your asses making this amazing show for years and years and years by then. Yeah, we did it for a long time, just kind of throwing it out into the ether just to do it. And it reached it. I know, I think, I think I certainly in my life, but in their lives, too, I think we've reached a point where it's like, it's more difficult as you get older to do that to do something just to do it. But also like it did – it was a – yeah, it was a real validation and it's dumb that we live in a world where money is a validation that is like above all.

It's like love is the top validation and then sex is like right below that and then money. Yeah, it is, buddy. But that like – it was like, oh, yeah, people really like do care about this and we can treat it like something that we really can take seriously and put effort and put time and not feel like the time and stuff like that that I don't think we would be able to do otherwise because the costs for doing that up obviously, Max Fun has – we've created five or six shows in the last couple of years that I understand is that there's a certain something you can get out of people when they're not being paid. And there is a certain something that you can get out of people when they're being paid. And it's not really a matter of nobody is getting rich at any Max Fund shows. That's something I want to talk to you about. Yeah. I'd like to be rich, please. I'd really love to be rich please i really love to be rich thus far but like i know that for somebody like you elliot who you know when when you've been working on mystery science theater 2000 or the daily show

which are very demanding jobs um for somebody like you know margaret woppler from pop rocket who's a freelance journalist uh which is a very demanding job, you know, for all April Wolf from Switchblade Sisters, you know, who's a film critic, and that's a very demanding job. The fact that this is a real professional thing gives them the room in their lives to make room to do these podcasts, you know, gives them the opportunity to say, okay, I know that I'm going to have to spend five hours less a week or 10 hours less a week doing this other thing, which is how I theoretically would make a, be making my living. But it, but I can take that time because I am making some money out of doing the thing I'm doing instead, which is making these

podcasts. So I, I know that that professionalism is really important. And I am really grateful, ultimately, frankly, that we as podcasters at MaxFun are ultimately responsible to the audience directly. That our bosses are the folks who pony up a few bucks a month because the other options are tough and they kind of suck. Yeah. So thank you, everybody who goes to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Let's do this. Yeah.

Let's do a beloved segment that the audience has come to expect. Okay. And then if maybe all this – Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Jordan Sings a Song. I want to hear this. Nope. Stopped doing it for a good reason. There you go.

That's a song. But, you know, I couldn't hold a candle to the letter songs. How much is that segment in the window? I don't think we'll do it today. That reminds me of a parody song I came up with that my son did not find entertaining. Maybe because he doesn't know the main version of it. He did not want to get out of the car after running some errands. And we were like, okay, I guess you'll just sleep in the car and you'll live there.

And he was like, yeah. And I started singing just a verse of a parody of Starman called Carman. But he did not care for it. The other day, my son, who's about the same age as you are, about four, said to me, he just goes, Dad, no one likes it when you make jokes. Stop making jokes. Wow. If you want to prove Jesse's child wrong, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. To prove Jesse's child wrong, go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Why don't we'll – if this was too sappy for him, why don't we come back a little later in the show and we'll just tell you about some shit you can get. Yeah.

Just some fucking rad shit you can get when you pony up some bucks. We'll just buy you off, baby. Make it a transaction. Yeah. That's fine. If that's more your thing, baby, we got stuff. You don't want to make the emotional investment that is just like wham, bang, do this. Okay.

Leave the money on the table in an envelope. Sure. Call for a donation or roses or something. Another time is not the time to do it. Now is the time to do it. You can just go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, for. That's a fucking – you know what? A lot of people would say Dinosaur Man. That's a double.

No, Dinosaur Man is a home run. That's exactly what I want. Ground rule double. As you can tell from calling myself Dinosaur Man, I love sports metaphors. Bonus guest. Yeah. She is a stand-up comic. She is beloved by,

when she was a guest on Jordan, Jesse go, I sort of like in passing mentioned her past television career. And we found immediately there was like seven posts on the max fun Reddit. Like, Oh my God, I love Laura from TV. Wow.

I know. Right. That's very surprising. And those people, why didn't you watch when me and Jordan had a TV show? But, yeah, Laura Swisher, she's the senior producer here at Maximum Fun. Yay! Hi, Laura, how are you? Me, me, me.

Thank you for stopping by on a Sunday evening. I am good. I was afraid that I was going to have to come up with a nickname, and I was and I was like on the spot and this is why I have never done well in improv. But you also do have a beloved regular nickname that you use. Swish. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a good one.

That's a real solid nickname. Great nickname. Yeah. So I mean it helps to come into a Jordan Jesse go with an established nickname. It's like a super touchdown. Yeah. I can just say it. It's a real super touchdown.

That's your nickname from when you were on the And One mixtape circuit. I think that's anyone whose last name is Swisher. I feel like everybody would be called the Swish or the Swish. But, I mean, it's a pretty rock solid one. I mean, like, if you think of our colleague Kevin Ferguson, people call him Ferg or Fergie. Neither of those is something you would want. It's something you'd be saddled with. I got a – I had a job where we – I got a new coworker.

His name was John Gutierrez. Funny guy, John Gutierrez, by the way. Find him out there on Twitter. Love, John Gutierrez. Of course, his famous nickname is the Goot. Well, here's the thing. Yeah? He was in the aisle, and I said something to him like, hey, can you throw me that calculator? I don't know

what we were doing. There's no calculators. Hey, can you throw me that calculator? We're taking a standardized test. We were taking a standard, yes. We were taking the AP bio test, which there's a lot of math on, weirdly. Chaperone went, shh. Sure.

So I said, hey. You just wanted to play Drug Wars. It was a TIAT. I know. I just wanted to play Drug Wars. How did that game spread so far? I don't know. It was a touch point for a generation, I understand.

And I said, hey, throw me that calculator, Goots. And then I was so impressed by myself. I'm like, hey, you got a new nickname. Everybody, we're going to call you Goots from now on. And he just looked at me and said, people have been calling me that my whole life. I love that you never had the thought, oh, someone's probably called him Goots before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway.

Call him Rez. That's the nickname that popped into my head. Whoa. Yeah, there you go. See, you just got to think about it for one half more second. I would have said, throw me that calculator, Tierra. Throw me that calculator, John. See, I like to do something with first names.

Oh. So it's like my former Daily Show colleague, Jubin Parang, who's a very funny guy. That's a good name. So I would call him Z-Bone, which he hated. And I was like, no, I'm going to ram this nickname into your life as much as I could. Z-Bone. I got it going for a while. Yeah, that's good.

I really didn't like it. Well, when something momentous happens to you, like Daily Show head writer Elliot Kalin forces you to be known around the office as Z-Bone. We ask you to call us for our segment, Momentous Occasions. The number is 206-984-4FUN. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Nick in Houston.

Can you pause this for a second? I know that I tend to pause the call before we get into it and everything. God, this guy sounds great. Jesus fucking Christ, this guy sounds great. Yeah, well, I was going to say, is he dancing around in front of a mirror with his penis stuck between his legs? A little bit of a Buffalo Bill vibe. A little bit of a Buffalo Bill vibe.

Not in a bad way! No, no, in a positive way. He's a serial killer hoping to make a skin suit so he can become the person he feels like. In a good way. That's an aspect of that film that has not aged great. No, no, no, it sure hasn't. I feel like he's got a great Sam Elliott vibe. I feel like he's about to give the dude some advice.

Oh, yeah, sure. Or tell Patrick Swayze how to become a more famous bouncer. Or be the sexiest man in the world in People magazine in like 1981 or something. Gotta be. Sorry, the dude calling from Houston. Go back to the beginning, Brian, and press play again. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse.

This is Nick in Houston. I had a momentous occasion happen about a month ago. I was traveling for work and had a car, a rental car, and had it for a couple of days. And the day that I was headed back to the airport I stopped for some coffee and got out and noticed there was something underneath the driver's seat a little package and figured it was just trash and so I reached under and pulled it out and it was not trash it was a package of cock rings. Wow. Didn't know if they had been used or not and didn't really know what to do with them.

So I just put them back underneath the driver's seat, of course, after taking pictures and sending them to my wife. So, yeah, maybe you'll get more than one momentous occasion hopefully out of that fun experience thanks a lot love the show bye no you're the only business person who's ever listened to Jordan Jesse go

I'm just glad that he got rid of him because that's the kind of thing you hold on to it and then the owners of the cock rings come after you and the next thing you know you're in the middle of like some huge, huge international. It's like a whole heads in a duffel bag thing. Yeah. It's a real direct-to-video post-pulp fiction.

Sure. Two Days in the Valley. All right. Michael Rapaport is involved. Something is happening. Michael Rapaport is involved. Here's – OK. My – I wonder –

Take a moment. Take a moment. You're struggling with this. Why do you need – Are you having one of those on-air strokes from YouTube? Yes. I hope this is a viral news video at some point. Why do you need a package of cock rings?

Are you wholesaling them? You know what I pictured immediately? Have you ever been to a jewelry store and they have something that is kind of like, you know, like a jailer's key ring? Sure. You know, where it's like a big ring and then there's a million different kinds of keys on it? There's like that, but with sizing rings. It's also a little bit like the like ring that has all the teaspoons and

tablespoon sizes for baking on it that they all kind of nest together but there's rings on the ring that represent all the different sizes of ring and then you put your finger in each of them in order to unlock the mummy's cape he's a cock ring salesman

so he goes around my dad told me a joke about this. He goes into a barn, he needs to sleep in the barn. He needs a farmer's daughter. Yeah. Yeah, interesting. Because it seems like

if you are a cock ring enthusiast. I don't see there's any other way to involve them without enthusiasm. Just, well, I guess I'll slip this on my dog. I don't know. I'm more of a cock ring dilettante. I just dabble in it. Someone who treats cock rings like a CBS sitcom.

Yeah, this is fine. I'll throw this on while I make dinner. You know what? Allison Jane's good and everything. You know what? I was going to fall asleep now anyway. I'll just keep this on. Yeah, sure.

And I'll just let myself go to sleep. This might be a dumb question, but do cocks change sizes? Like, is it one thing like, oh, I used to fit into this cock ring? They actually do very quickly, depending on the scenario. So maybe he's got the series, like, ready for every point. Every step. Yeah, every step, it's like, you've got to switch it out. Do you mean, like, over the course of an incident or over the course of what I call romance?

Sure. Honey, are you ready for an incident? Because you do a report after each one with a lot of paperwork. So it's not a bad thing. If you can't suddenly – like if you're now too big for the cock ring that you always use, like that's not a bad thing or is it a good thing? I'm just asking. It doesn't change that much over the course of your life. I think maybe,

maybe it changes a little tiny bit when you gain or lose weight, but only a little tiny bit. I think, I think you could have one standby. Yeah, it might not.

Not that I've ever, like, I'm just, yeah, I don't even know. You know what? I don't have a, this is a typical man thing of jumping in with an opinion about something

I don't have any knowledge of. All the time I have to – Save it for Universal Monster movies, Kalen. That I know about. There are times when my wife will be like, I wonder why that is. The Invisible Man was James Whale's best movie. Sorry.

Are you crazy? Have you watched it? It's good. Bride of Frankenstein. It's funny. Bride of Frankenstein. I'll put the old dark house above the Invisible Man. Oh, boy.

I love the old dark house. But anyway, my wife will be like, I wonder why that such and such thing is. And I'll tell my brain. My brain will start generating some bullshit explanation. And I'll be like, stop, brain. You don't know the answer to this. You don't need to throw an answer out into the world.

Such a dumb man thing to do. Yeah, we should have just texted Dana Gould to ask what the best – Yeah, does a man's penis curve change over its lifetime? Dear Dana, two questions. Number one, which is better? What are the – Well, the Invisible Man or the Old Dark House, I guess.

The Invisible Man or the Old Dark House. I cannot make an argument that the Invisible Man is better than Brian Frankenstein. But anyway, that being said, if I was in this man's situation, I do not know that – unless it was a labeled package, I don't know that I would know what those – what it was a package of because cock rings are one of those things I've heard about in jokes so many times. But I've never had a personal experience with them. I've never seen one in person. It's like the Loch Ness Monster kind of. I might be like, what are these? This is a weird selection of napkin rings.

the Loch Ness Monster kind of, I might be like, what is this? This is a weird selection of napkin rings. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Why do you think this guy was like driving to a sex expo? A sexpo. I think what happened is. You know, whoever owned that car beforehand was going to, you know, Bang Con or whatever. And, you know, they're unloading the goods.

By the way, every year I forget to make hotel reservations. It is so hard to get a reservation in Cincinnati during BankCon. No, I know. It'll cost you, too.

Like, if you wait to the last minute. Yeah. I mean, especially this year now that George R.R. Martin is showing the new Game of Thrones trailer. The scandal really

is that the tax breaks that they get from Cincinnati for bank on. Sure. Every year it's like, well, maybe we'll take it to Kansas City, Missouri. And you know they're not really going to do that. They're not going to. Cincinnati needs it so badly. Wilmington's not going to get bank on.

Yeah. Yeah. They prefer St. Louis style barbecue. Sure. To Kansas City barbecue. But yeah, whoever rented that car before was transporting wholesale fuck goods. So you're saying this is a Jason Statham type operation. Oh.

Transporter is behind the wheel of that car. That would be great. You just have to smuggle cock rings. There's one they didn't get. And that was around the base of his penis. I think that just— Excuse me. I have a movie to write.

I'm going to leave the... I'm not going to do the rest of the show. Laura, you can just kind of fill in for this last bit. What's the premise? Someone kidnapped his child. I don't... You see Jason, stay some stick in it. There's nothing...

Remain too messy for 48 hours. Right, yeah. It's like a speed situation. Or a crank. A crank with a crank. It's a crank on a crank. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like a speed situation. Or a crank. A crank with a crank. It's a crank on a crank. Yeah. Yeah, and then, right, and this fuck goods wholesaler, you know, unloaded the goods.

Unloaded, yeah. Unload, sure, yep. He unloaded two people who need to unload. Yeah. And, yeah, and just left one pouch under the seat. I don't know. That's where I'm thinking business travel. I'm thinking the large volume.

That's to me what happened. I'm imagining that this did not come from the person who previously rented the car, but rather from – You should be so proud of the restraint when I did not pounce on your use of the word come. Exactly. Ditto. We were both like, you know what? This is no. We won't do this. We've all matured a lot, guys. But not so much that we didn't have to point out

that we didn't comment on it. We still wanted the credit. But you were saying? This did not come on. Making it so hard for me. Yep. And that's not a, anyway, it's very difficult.

This was not due to the fact that the previous renter left it in there, but rather. This was a Randy Enterprise employee. Yes. I think an Enterprise employee who works at the airport in Houston, you know the sex stores in Houstonston are next to the airport in houston that's true so zoned that way specifically exactly it's the only zoning laws they have in houston a city where from what i understand there are just like bars in the third floor of apartment buildings but like uh i think that what happened is uh somebody somebody was somebody went out to get some lunch. They got it from, let's say, a strip bar buffet.

Sure. Then they went next door to the sex product store, purchased that, put it in their breast pocket. As so, I'm demonstrating it to my colleagues here. Visual representation is very helpful. Went back to their job of vacuuming the crevice between the back of the seat and the bottom of the seat. Leaned over. Fell out. Then it slid backwards during the exterior wash.

And there it is for a lucky renter to find later. Is he going to send us pictures? Or it didn't happen, apparently. I want to know which one of those rings fit. Yeah. Send us some pics. Please don't send us pictures. No, don't send us pics.

Please don't. Please don't. Not of anyone wearing them, but he did say he took a bunch of pictures. Oh, yeah. So I'm curious about the packaging, how many rings per package. I really want to see a picture where he's wearing them on his fingers. I'm curious about the packaging, but don't send me any pics. I want to see a picture of him wearing them on his fingers like regular rings.

Oh, yeah. Just like, yoo-hoo. I immediately pictured him both having cock rings on his fingers like rings, but then when you said wear them on his fingers, all I could think of was canned black olives. Like when you're a little kid and you put canned black olives on the end of your fingers. So he had both the cock rings around the bottom and olives on the top. And then a little bugle hat on each one. That's a party mix that can't be beat.

That's a real nice mix. Let's take another call. Hey, hey. Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, guest. Thanks. This is John

from North Carolina. There is a wasp in my house which I am very, very much afraid of and it is on the light in my kitchen. I've got a shoe

in my left hand, my phone in my right and we're about to see what happens. I'm like, dial in the left hand my phone in my right and we're about to see what happens I'm like down in the area oh here we go fuck holy shit he's dead

oh no now when he says wasp he means like a character in a John Updike novel the villains in a frat movie, yes. It's a Whit Stillman movie. All the kids from Barcelona are in my room right now. They're wearing their little round eyeglasses. Yeah.

God damn. I'm going to hit him right in his sweater. You would think, though, that he would win in that scenario. Yeah. Oh, yeah, probably. I would think so. Unless the guy was like on crew. Yeah. A lot yeah, probably. I would think so. Unless the guy was like on crew. Yeah.

A lot of upper body strength. Can I tell you, I watched the first season of the TBS show Search Party recently, which I really liked a lot. That's a show that I always mean to watch, but then I forget to watch it, and then people mention it, and I'm like, oh, I wanted to watch that. You should watch it. Yeah. That's the thing with modern TV. It just goes away. It's hard to – you got to wait for summer reruns.

I kind of missed that in a way because the pressure to get caught up on things, it was like, oh, I didn't – like even having a VCR was bad enough because it was like, oh, I forgot to set a tape. And then there's some responsibility on you. But when things just aired once and then never again, it was like I have a life to lead. I can't just be sitting at home life to lead. I'm sure. I can't just be sitting at home waiting to find out who shot J.R. Elliot, here's the fucking deal. You're not getting paid until you watch Bunheads. Sorry, man.

You got to fucking crush Bunheads. Just chug Bunheads down. Sorry, man. Yeah. Just block out some time. I was watching. Send the kids to grandma's. Daddy's block out some time i was watching the kids the grandma's daddy is watching bunheads i was watching the first season song to bunheads i was watching

the first season of search party which i i really liked a lot and um the whole time i'm talking about this like 10 episodes or 12 episodes or whatever the whole time i'm i'm thinking why does this remind me of a wit stillman movie nothing about this is wit stillman like why like i guess it's set in new york is it because it's set in new york like why do i feel like i'm watching metropolitan it doesn't have the same weird stilted dialogue it doesn't like nothing and then i just realized the whole time I was just one of the characters has little round glasses. That was it. That was the thing that made me think I was watching a Whit Stillman movie. Now, Brian, this is a two-parter if I remember correctly.

Yeah, he called back. Okay. Can I tell you, Jordan? Sure. I literally had to kill some wasps earlier today at my house. They were setting up shop. There were two different queen wasps getting started on building nightmarish empires in my window. Do queen wasps have accents?

Yes. Yes. And Laura Swisher, professional comedian. They have two – so there were two on the windows in my living room. And I don't know – I mean it's like you remember a couple years ago when there was a dead bird in my backyard. I just – having grown up – But you weren't home, so you had an alibi. Yeah, exactly. I was at the movies. What did you weren't home, so you had an alibi? Yeah, exactly.

I was at the movies. What did you see? I don't remember. Bird Man? Sure. Lady Bird. Deadpool. Shit.

No. Bird Murder. That's not a movie, sir. I killed a bird. Are you confessing or are you trying to think of a fake movie? I don't know. I grew up in this city and my parents never owned a home, so I just don't have any dad skills at all.

And let's be frank. I'm a, you know, I got a lot of shoes. That's my, like, top skill. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not a skill-developing type dude. You'd think you'd need nothing more than that to kill a wasp sure that's a good point that's a good point so i literally had to post a picture of it on twitter and say like is this something i need to kill how do i kill it if i need to kill it and people gave me full fucking breakdowns uh there was a universal yes you need to kill this yeah although a few people tried to give me that

like they're not that dangerous like they're not super aggressive you should just let them do this I'm like no it's a fucking wasp yeah exactly that's exactly how I feel about it one time one went up my wife's leg and gave her like 12 stings

yeah cause a bee is noble a bee loses it's life when it kills. It's that one shot. Exactly. And it's like, I'm doing this, but we're both going to get hurt. But a wasp is like, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. I don't feel bad. I'm going to

sleep great tonight. You know that song from Hamilton? You know that song from Hamilton? I'm not giving away my shot. A lot of people don't know this, but Lynn actually originally wrote that for Bee Movie. Oh, I didn't know that song from Hamilton, I'm not giving away my shot. A lot of people don't know this, but Lin actually originally wrote that for Bee Movie. Oh, I didn't know that. Sure. Which was originally called Wasp Movie.

When he was working on it. There were some creative changes. Well, Whit Stillman was actually there. Jerry Seinfeld picked up, bought the screenplay from Whit Stillman and rewrote it. Oh, interesting. Sure, sure. Here's what, I'm going to tell you a real story from my life about why you should kill

wasps before they can build nests in your home. When I was a little boy, when I was a wee lad, a nubbin, you might say, of probably three, I think, or four, we had a wasp's nest in the backyard of my house in New Jersey. Yay! Oh, forget about it. Pizza. Meatball

sandwich! And actually... Crossing the street! Okay. In New Jersey. Yay. Oh, forget about it. Pizza. Meatball sandwich. Hey, gabagool. And actually- Crossing the street. Okay. Hey, there's no self-service at the gas stations. We've got to protect these jobs for no reason. It's autumn.

Let's go apple picking. Hey, auto insurance rates are not so good. New Jersey once. It was really nice. That was one of the things I hated about New Jersey, which I do love the fact that it is a great agricultural state. And a very beautiful state. It's beautiful. More cranberries come from New Jersey than any other state.

Ooh. My family would go to like apple or strawberry picking and I hate that stuff. And they wouldn't let me bring a book because they wanted me to be like with the family. So I'd just be standing in the sun watching my family pick strawberries and I hated it. But anyway, that's not the story I'll tell. That was a good one. Oh, sure. I was a wee nubbin at the family. Right. So I'd just be standing in the sun watching my family pick strawberries and I hated it. But anyway, that's not the story I'm going to tell. That was a good one. Oh, sure. I was a wee nubbin at the time.

There was a wasp's nest in the backyard. My dad decides I'm going to take care of this thing. And for some reason he thought it was – he wanted I guess – I don't know. He thought I should accompany him on this expedition. The way my mother tells it, I was wearing just overalls, no shirt underneath because I was a little kid. You were in Dexy's Midnight Runners at the time. Every little kid is either telling Eileen to come on or they're about to whitewash a fence with Tom Sawyer. Did you bring the rest of our gang with you?

It was me. Sparky. Me, Spanky, Sparky. Spooky. Yeah, yeah. Crypty. Me, Spanky, Sparky. Spooky. Yeah, yes. Yeah, yeah. Crypto. Babyface Nelson.

Gorgo. The reverse Flash. Yeah, yeah. Professor Zoom, he was there. Yep. And I guess he – I don't remember if he used smoke at all at first, which is what you should do when you're trying to kill a Waspmas. First, use smoke to lull them to sleep. Is it any smoke?

Could it be a pommel? Could it be – or do you? Anything. A fat dube? The more methylated, the better. Like a Newport is probably better. And I think he tried to just like slam it down with something and it – this is the way the story is told to me because I think I blocked it out. It landed on the ground, exploded with wasps, and who rightfully, to be fair to the wasps, saw this as an attack on their home.

Sure, yes. They were correct. Reacted the way anyone would. Yes, naturally reacting. And stung the shit out of us. Oh, boy. And me – and I had so much exposed skin that I got stung all over with wasps. And so ever since then – and I like don't really have much – I don't really have a real memory of it.

My family would tell the story and it's like, oh, OK. So I have no sympathy for wasps. They're bad dudes. They'll even attack a kid. They won't even stop to look at the situation and say, who's to blame here? Yeah. The grown man adult or this kid who got brought along? So you don't want that to happen to your kids.

You take those wasps out with extreme prejudice. That was like the consensus on Twitter was you got two there now. Pretty soon there will be 5,000. They're building a wasp empire and you got to do what you got to do. But I did not have any wasp poison. And also my house is on a pretty steep hill. And so while it is the main floor of the house, by the time you get that far in from the front door,

it's actually like 15 feet above the ground. So there was no way I could have reached there from the outside. I had to reach around outside the window to do it. And in so doing also had to open there from the outside. I had to reach around outside the window to do it. And in so doing, also had to open the windows, obviously. So I was pretty concerned about it. But I was just like, you know what? I'm a dad. I'm the responsible party in this transaction. My wife has made it clear she will not be party to it. She's made it, she's put it squarely on my plate, squarely and unequivocally on my plate, and she doesn't ask much of me. So I went and got some 409. I was like, what's the closest thing to wasp

poison I have? I'm like, 409 I guess. It's good for everything, you know, it'll clean any goddamn thing. I went out there and 409'd the shit out of my exterior windows, Like the whole not just the wasp, which immediately fell down to the ground, but like

just... Like, don't you come back here. You know what lives here now? 409. Yeah, salt the earth. Yeah, exactly. And hopefully it works. We'll probably get an update in future weeks on Jordan Jesse Go, but my fingers are crossed. I did see a wasp later today, this afternoon,

just kind of going around like, hey, what happened here? Casing the joint? Sure, yeah. You didn't... You guys got a new security system in here? A couple of wasps in a car driving by slowly. Right, sure. And they saw that you had put the

wasps into upright coffins with a sign that says, this is what we do to wasps around here. It's just toothpicks with wasp heads. Okay, let's hear the second part of this because I'm on tenterhooks, as they say. Update. Didn't die. Neither did the wasp. He's very angry.

Oh, he died now. Oh, Lord, I can't do this. Oh, okay. I can't do this. I can't do this. This guy understands the power of silence. Hard as a rock, wet as a river. Here we go. Oh, shit. Well,

well. Killed him, broke the light. Yeah. That's a real promise. The turn broke the light. Yeah. That's a real promise. The turn, the prestige. Worth it. Yeah, you got what you want. Next stop, Magic Castle.

Yeah, right. Oh, wow. That was better than, I'm going to say, every episode of The Shadow I've ever heard. Right, sure. Like, would it benefit from a soupçon of Orson Welles' beautiful baritone? Yes. Sure. But besides that, I would say less formulaic and more compelling.

I liked it more than Stranger Things. There you go. What we just listened to. Yeah, it could have been nice with a little bit of the kind of warm glow of nostalgia, though. Sure, yeah. Like if he had just mentioned that it was an owl flamp. I kind of want to hear him narrate just animal films. Yeah, I feel like this guy has a planet Earth

narrating a future in front of him. There's a cheetah. Oh. Oh. Some gazelle. Oh, boy. Oh, he's running. Shit.

Gazelle's dead. I'd like to hear David Attenborough narrating Planet Earth, but just with obscenities mixed in. Fucking dead. Yeah, just like the pleasure of hearing him say, you know, with obscenities mixed in. Fucking dead. Yeah, just like the pleasure of hearing him say, you know, the majestic wildebeest 500 strong, you know, rolling across the Serengeti. Fuck!

No shit! No shit! Well, there's an episode in Planet Earth 2, now on Netflix, where there's a sloth that has to swim across between two islands to get to a lady sloth that he believes is presenting. Turns out he is mistaken. That sloth is mistaken. Oh, man.

It's just a windbreaker caught in a tree. But I wish – He fucks the shit out of it though. He just goes crazy. Yeah. But I wish – like the sub subtext the whole thing is he want that sloth wants to have sex with that other sloth and i wish it was just like the sloth seeing a chance for fucking has to do and it shows seeing a chance to get his dick wet it shows him he shows him swimming across the river and just i wish the whole thing

would just been like the lure of the fuck to do a remarkable thing. But, you know, it's all very English coy. Sure. 206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. Put it in your phone. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm the swish. Dinosaur man, Ellie Kal Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I'm the swish. Dinosaur man, Ellie Kalin. No, that's Stuart's sound. Hold on a second. You better say rah-rah. I was going to say rah-rah, but then I'm like, that's not even a dinosaur sound. It'd be more like...

Dinosaur sounds a lot like an air horn. It's a rap air horn. Which I think is maybe the funniest sound in the world. It's the most lovely sound to me for whatever reason is the sound of a liquor bottle being turned over, not poured, but just the – That's a beautiful sound to me, but the funniest sound to me is... What if this whole time we thought Funkmaster Flex was dropping bombs on top of hip-hop records when, in fact, he was sharing stegosaurus cries? It's a scientific find of literally the century that he has the one authentic sound of a stegosaurus. I don't know why he's not making money off of that. He's just been putting it over Mobb Deep records or whatever.

Me Ghost, I guess, would be probably a more contemporary reference. Speaking of current references about music, something that doesn't have anything to do with that is the fact that it's the Max Fun Drive. Yeah. Laura, you are, as a Max Fun senior producer, you are working in the trenches during this thing. Working in the trenches, yeah.

What is your report from the ground? How is this thing going? I have not had a chance to actually see how this thing's going because we've been trying to get bonus episodes off the ground and just keep up with actual production. So we've been just super, super busy. But also it's been fun because I've been able to see everybody interact with the listeners and I know all the hosts of the shows really get a kick out of hearing from everyone and knowing that people are supporting the show because they listen and enjoy the content. Because guess what? It's pretty good. Yeah.

Pretty good. Speaking of those bonus apps. Yeah. We got some bonus apps for you. Well, Laura supervised the brand new show that you made only for MaxFunDonors. One and done. It was so good lord could you i've talked about this okay tell us about this bonus episode it was it's shooting the breeze

and it's uh just two cheese mongers hanging out former cheese monger cheese mongers one cheese monger knows a shit ton about cheese and the the other cheesemonger, not as much. Just hangs back. Not as much. Let's just say that one time on Jordan Jesse Go, the other cheesemonger said his favorite cheese was Mexican blend. I love a three cheese Mexican blend. One cheesemonger. You know who does a good job?

Kroger. One cheese monger. You know who does a good job? Kroger. One of them worked at a really high-end cheese shop in London, and the other slummed at a Silver Lake spot. Sure. And I don't want to say which one's which. No. But both you and John Hodgman had worked as cheese mongers in the past.

Yes. And we did a, which is a one and done, never to be repeated podcast extravaganza. John Hodgman and I shooting the breeze, B-R-I-E-S, talking about cheese. We're talking to a famous French cheese man. And, you know, it's kind of a fun convo about food, but also the world of shitty first jobs. By the way, let me just say that the name does not do justice because it's kind of, it's very gimmicky.

Sure. Shooting the breeze. It was fucking interesting. I was, I was listening, yeah, I think driving somewhere and I like stopped

and listened like in the driveway because I wanted to, I wanted to hear how it ended up. But it was, it was really, it was really interesting.

And what's the name of the French? Oh, Chef Laurent. Chef Laurent. I was worried at one point that like Ice was going to get him because he was talking about doing some illegal cheese things. Yes, there is some talk of illegal cheese smuggling in this episode. It is fascinating. talk of illegal cheese smuggling in this episode it is fascinating it is genuinely fascinating to hear about the world of like high-end cheese enthusiasts getting that raw shit over the border they like it raw i really like okay so in addition to shooting the breeze yeah there are now like i

don't know 15 or 20 hours of j Jordan Jesse goes. And I was just reminded, and I had completely forgotten about this, but I remembered that not only is there, at this point, hundreds of hours of bonus content audio, there's also, you get access to Rift short

films by You and I Made One, the Stop Podcasting Yourself guys made one, and the McElroy brothers made one. And I had not thought about them in a really long time because maybe we made them five years ago.

I watched the Stop Podcasting Yourself one just the other day and I was like, yeah, this is fucking great. Laura, it sounds like you have been maybe combing the bonus content a little harder than we have. Is there anything else out there that you are excited about bonus content wise when people donate in the MaxFunDrive?

Absolutely. Well, I mean, as far as like, okay, speaking of bonus episodes, so Who Shot You, our movie podcast, we had Brian Fuller, TV's Brian Fuller, for any fanables. The Pushing Daisies guy. Pushing Daisies. Hannibal. Hannibal, American Gods, Dead Like Me. Fuller's done it all.

And so instead of talking movies, they're talking TV shows. And he and April Wolf go deep on Murder, She Wrote. Whoa. Yeah, that's another amazing show. And we did Pop Rocket at Crawford's, which is a fried chicken place around. I've run into Tonkson at Crawford's a couple of times. You could go to random chicken places

and there's a good chance you'll run into Tonkson. She enjoys, yeah, she enjoys good food. So anyone who donates at any monthly level to Maximum Fun gets access to this huge treasure trove of bonus content. Elliot, what's the Flophouse got? What have they got this year? What's the flop bonus? Well, we've had a lot of fun in the past with stealing from the McElroy brothers and doing a role-playing game episode. Sure. And this year, Stuart wanted to do as our bonus. fun in the past with stealing from the McElroy brothers and doing a role-playing game episode.

And this year, Stuart wanted to do as our bonus, it's a new adventure with characters loosely based off of our Adventure Zone characters who are in a different setting. It's more of a- Hold on. Is this canonical or non-canonical? It's not canonical. What if? It's a what if. It's more of a what if, but it's a- or it's an Elseworlds.

Sure. For any- An imaginary story. That's a what if. It's more of a what if. Or it's an Elseworlds. Sure. An imaginary story. That's a different thing. Oh, okay. If people object to any of these points of clarification, should they tweet those tweets at Gas Station TV? Yes, at Gas Station TV. Okay, great.

What if is more like, well, what if this thing was different in Marvel Comics? Elseworlds is when DC is like, what if Superman landed on Earth during pirate times? Yes, I know the Elseworlds pirate story was about Batman. It was Batman as a pirate. But look, you don't have to correct me on that. But it's more of a 20s-ish,

20s, 30s, Lovecraft-y type story with our three characters are investigators looking at stuff. And it's a multi-part story that's going to be up. It's going to be multiple bonus episodes. And our old pal, Z-Bone Jubin Parang. Hey, Z-Bone himself.

He's in those episodes as well. And it's just – there's like music in it and stuff. Like it's a – It's a real production. It's a real production. Unlike our regular Fluff House episodes where it's like hit record, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and we're done. This is like a real slap the stuff on it, slap the intro on, slap this stuff. This is a real production.

And Stuart Wellington has gone way above board in putting it together and running this game. So I think people are going to like it a lot. I've been seeing tweets from people already who pledged or upgraded their memberships this year who have been really excited about it. Yeah, I am very excited that the show we recorded, The Grand Canyon, is up now.

You can find the audio in the bonus content thread, and the video is on the MaxFun YouTube page, which is available to everybody but i i want to i want to emphasize something this is the last break we're going to take during the max fun drive and i mean i hope people will join us on friday night uh for our live streaming show at maximumfund.org but this is the last time we're going to come to you on Jordan Jesse Go this year asking you to become a Max Fund supporter.

I want to emphasize this. There are levels for every kind of budget. Of course, we always like to say, make it clear, if you're unemployed, if this is the difference between you paying for your food and rent and not, if you are under 18 or you do not live in what is often called the developed world, you're off the hook. Don't worry about it at all. But there are – otherwise, there are levels from $5 a month to $200 a month that will accommodate every budget and can be accommodated in every budget. But I really want to emphasize something that I feel really strongly, which is like basically if everybody listened to our show, became a supporter at $5 a month, we could all quit our jobs and like just make a million podcasts every day forever like it would be a fantasy world for us.

The real difference for us is not the level that you choose. We are really, truly, immensely grateful at every level. Really, the choice that we're asking you to make is to... The money will be okay for you. For most people who are listening to this, really what we're asking you to do

is just take a few seconds to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and sign up for one of these levels like that. You do it that that people choose to make the choice to support the shows is what is really important to us and what I am so deeply grateful for, no matter what level you can afford. And I I thank every single person who already has. And as of this recording, which is, you know, 36 hours or something before the show goes live, we're already more than halfway to our goal

of 25,000 new and upgrading supporters. So, like, every single one of you, thank you. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. Yeah. It's so fucking cool that we get to do this and that we get to have you for a boss and that our goal can be to make something that is really special to people rather than to make something that is palatable to enough people that it's good at

selling life insurance to them yeah definitely uh go over Go over there to MaximumFun.org slash donate. There's a level for every budget, and there's also very, very cool prizes depending on which level you donate at. A lot of great stuff. I think people will really like it. Go over there to MaximumFun.org slash donate, and no matter what level you donate at, you get all this bonus content we've been talking about. BOCO. That's what our colleague Lindsay has called Yeah, there's a ton of it.

Boco. I like that. I know. It's good. At $10 a month, too, these enamel pins, the new Jordan-Jesse Go pin is so cool. And I want to assure people, because we're getting a lot of questions about this, if we hit that goal of 25,000 new and upgrading supporters, which I'm hoping that we will. It might come down to the wire again, but I'm hoping that we will. It might come down to the wire again, but I'm hoping that we will. We're going to do what we did last year, which is everybody who's a $10 a month supporter

or more will get a chance to buy as many of those pins as they want with all the proceeds going to charity. Because last year we raised over $100,000 for the LA Food Bank. By the way, that could have just gone back into the company. Yeah. But you didn't put it back into the company. No, we didn't. And it was a fuck ton of work.

I believe that's the metric measurement is a fuck ton. It was a shit ton American. But it was an extraordinary, like it was like two months of customer service work for two or three people in our office to make all of that happen, but we are so stoked that we were able to. Yeah, every show has its

own unique enamel pin if you donate it. Ten bucks a month. Laura, are there any particular pins you're excited about this year? I like the Switchblade Sisters pin. It's like a little crest with two swords and you look closely and you can tell that it's film strip.

Oh, I like it. Actually, the swords, they're actually switchblades. But in my head, they were swords. I am a really big fan of our new Simpsons show's pin. Horny Marge. Horny Marge. Horny Marge. It's a sideways Marge hair that just says Horny Marge on it.

Elliot, what's that flop pin this year? This year it's St. Cage himself. Oh, wow. As mentioned earlier in this very episode. This is Xander Cage. Yeah, Xander Cage. Right. Yeah.

He's shining presence because he holds a very special place in the hearts of the Flophouse podcast, both hosts and fans, in that he is a frequent source of films for the podcast. But we genuinely believe he is an amazing actor who manages to sometimes go a little off the rails and make – unfortunately be forced into bad decisions because of the aforementioned tax problem. That led you to go to the state sale. He's a very special – I feel like there's a – and underneath it, I think it says good, bad. He is like – there's a dichotomy on The Flophouse, which is that we both love movies. The reason we do it is because we love movies. But we also like – we also love to take a dump on movies. Like it's – we also love to take a dump on movies. That's because part of – for when you're a nerd, half of love is hating a thing.

And you hate it partly for making you feel vulnerable because it made you feel emotions. And you hate it also because it's not as good as you want it to be because your expectations are too high, much like this Thin Man remake that I want to talk about. It's not happening, Elliot. Someday. But Nicolas Cage is like this beautiful symbol of that duology because he is one of the most talented actors in the history of film. And yet he has somehow become this – like fallen into this morass of garbage. Anyway, so it's Nicolas Cage in this year. I'm very excited about it. I watched this really crazy, brutal crime movie that was directed by by what's the guy that directed american gigolo

called was it doggy dog that one that paul schrader directed yes it's i couldn't finish it it's really brutal and insane uh and i didn't i didn't love it but i i was interested to talk to paul schrader for my show bullseye and um but there's this one moment where they're just going where where willem defoe and nicholas cage are going through this insane fucking like brutal string of violent incidents and just at one point uh nicholas cage suggests that they stop and go get some bagels and it is like the most compelling thing i've ever seen on film just because it's Nicolas Cage and he's amazing. Maximumfun.org slash donate. Lots of great stuff.

Lots of great bonus content from lots of great shows. Yeah, this is the last time we're asking you. So now is the time to do it. We only do this once a year. And, you know, if this is like the first Jordan Jesse Go you ever listened to, it's pretty weird that we're doing this. Sure. My guess is you've been listening to Jordan and Jesse go for a little while because we don't have any new listeners. Nope.

Stagnant. Stagnant listenership. And so I want to challenge you to join all the folks who have already signed up at MaximumFun.org slash donate to support this show and other shows at Maximum Fun. Look, if you just want to go to MaximumFun.org and support Still Buffering because you're accidentally listening to the show and other shows at Maximum Fund. Look, if you just want to go to MaximumFund.org and support Still Buffering because you're

accidentally listening to the show and you only like Still Buffering, go for it. That's great. They also deserve your support. I have a question for you guys. Please. So we have the $20 a month. We've got the Max Fund cookbook where all the albamos put together their favorite recipes. So what did you guys submit for JJ Go?

What's your – I submitted my famous – it's not famous at all and not mine. I submitted a recipe that I use to make blondies because for many years – first of all, I can't – I don't eat chocolate because it's migraine trigger as a rule. So a blondie is as close as I can get to eating a brownie. as a rule. So a blondie is as close as I can get to eating a brownie. But I used to make blondies for a certain level of supporter.

I no longer can because we simply have too many supporters. It's a bad problem to have. Yeah. It's a good problem to have. It's a good problem to have. Yeah. This past year, even though it was like a secret level, I literally spent like three days in a row baking all day here in the office, which weirdly our office has an oven. But yeah, I like to make blondies

for my family and for my MaxFun supporter friends. So I thought if I'm no longer going to be able to do that, then I will put that recipe into the MaxFun cookbook. Elliot, you got a little something special there, right? I put in, you know, it's just, it just a recipe that I use in my daily life very often. It's nothing super exciting, but it's a roast vegetables recipe. Sounds functional. It's very – what it is is – Sounds healthy.

Yeah. Every meal should have a vegetable on the side or make the vegetable the main thing. I've seen the food pyramid. Look, the Western world, we make meat and protein the center of the dish. Do I like that? Yes, I do. Yeah, meat's great. Let's do a little Eastern and just consider meat to be one portion.

By the way, thanks for starting to sing that song, Poor Unfortunate Souls from The Little Mermaid. Do I like that? Yes, I do. Oh, wonderful. Anyway, but this is a recipe that my wife taught to me and that I – Will teach to your next wife. When the divorce comes. When I finally bluebeard my current wife.

No, I would never do that. That's terrible. But she is going to teach to her next husband after she gets wise and does that. Very likely. Oh, until my otherwise terrible eating habits get the best of me. But it's – I usually use it for like Brussels sprouts or broccoli or cauliflower. You can use it for lots of stuff and it's just a really easy recipe that tastes really good and my son are out of town, this is what I will make myself as dinner is I will just make myself an entire

pan of broccoli and that'll be dinner and I'll just watch the movie. And spend the rest of the night farting? That's the one bad side to it. Watch this down with a mug of black coffee. Which I know I said I didn't like earlier.

Just for the joke. Just for the joke. Just for the joke. At Gas Station TV. Yeah. But it's something that – so anytime – so this is not like – I didn't like rip this out of a recipe book and be like – cookbooks I think they call them. I didn't rip this out of a cookbook and like just toss it in. This is something that I do often. And so when people are trying it out, they can be like, I'm living the Elliot Kalin lifestyle right now.

Like I think I'm going to – Going to turn on a Polish movie from 1919? I think I mentioned like going to watch a Czech New Wave movie. Yeah. And then something that Uri Menzel worked on and then I'll eat this and then I'll go use the bathroom while trying to get the Marvel Unlimited app to work at a reasonable rate. Sure. And that's the Elliot K. Allen lifestyle right there. I mean you could also add in if you wanted listing weird Batman villains.

Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah. Well, define weird. Like is Clock King weird? Yeah. I think we should all ask ourselves. Is Clock King weird?

Like is Calendar Man weird? That's what we're here to ask you, to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And is Calendar King weird? Calendar Man. Calendar Man. There's Clock King and there's Calendar Man. Come on, man. Guys, I think you're misdirecting this at me. You should be tweeting this at Gas Station TV.

MaximumFun.org slash donate. Do it, please. It's fun. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Laura Swisher, a.k.a. The Swish. Elliot Kaelin, dinosaur man, 65 million years later, still rolling strong.

Elliot and Laura, thank you. Thank you for joining us on this week's show. What a joy to get to have both of you here. Yay. Thank you for having us. Thanks for having us. Elliot, I mean, I can't imagine people don't already listen to this. If they listen to this show, get on that Flophouse.

I think it's one of the things in my life that makes me laugh the hardest. I really love that show. I love the Flophouse. You would be upset at that makes me laugh the hardest. I really love that show. I love The Flophouse. You would be upset at how much I listen to it while I'm taking a shower. It doesn't bother me. I love it. Oh, cool.

Yeah. I mean, what do you know? I don't need to. You know what? Maybe I spoke to you. But you were saying. But yeah, I love listening to The Flophouse so much. What a joy it is to listen to each and every seven hour episode.

They've been getting a little long. European flights, The Flophouse. Yeah, there you go. Are you going to Guam? Laura, are there any MaxFun things that you're producing right now that you're particularly excited about? I'm excited. Okay. Who's Shy Yet is a

great movie podcast and Elliot's been a guest okay we want him back he's very busy so but we always have like amazing guests we have like Ingu King who's hilarious and funny it was really brilliant yeah she's fantastic we have Drea Clark who produces a number of film festivals and has seen everything. Andy Richter's made an appearance. We always have really, really fun panelists. But for real, the regular people on Who Shot Ya?

Ricky Carmona's been a guest on this show a bunch of times. Yeah. And so we all know that Ricky is the world's greatest expert basically exclusively on – what's that one Michael Mann movie? Heat. I was going to say Café Bustelo. Yeah, Café Bustelo brand Cuban instant coffee, pre-ground Cuban coffee. But it's delicious by the way, the Café Bustelo. I got to have some.

And they really should sponsor it. And it's a beautiful package. Let me just say of all the packages in the supermarket, Café Bustelo is one of my favorites. The bright colors, the shape. How would you compare it to Chocful O'Nuts? It's better. Way better. Way better.

No offense. I went to a Café Bustelo pop-up in New York. Wow. And it was wonderful. Sounds great. But in addition to Ricky Carmona, who folks know from Jordan Jesse Go, April Wolf and Alonso Duralde, who are the other regular co-hosts of that show, are so funny, passionate, and insightful on the subject of film. They're just really, really brilliant. We actually know Alonso from when we had that failed television program. He was also a contributor to that show.

And I always thought like, man, this guy is so cool and funny and great. Like we should do something with him sometime. And we finally had the chance to do it this year when we created Who Shot Ya? And I think that there are – there's a lot of film podcasts that are let's just say three straight white dudes in New York not that there's

anything wrong with that who watch a Nicolas Cage movie to be fair one of them is in LA two of the straight white guys

are in New York and the other one is Jewish so I think it's pretty diverse fair point fair point no that's it is yeah they're that's a really good show that I wish is Jewish, so I think it's pretty diverse. Fair point.

That's a really good show that I wish I could get co-hosts as good as those guys. Okay, we gotta go, but go to MaximumFun.org slash donate as the MaxFunDrive. And if you already have, thank you from the bottom of our hearts and tell the world with the hashtag

MaxFunDrive so you can shame your friends that listen to – let's be honest. You've never admitted to your friends that you listen to Jordan and Jessica. Yeah, buck up. Let the world know. Tell them to listen to five or six. It'll start to gel. It's like the wire. It's going to be hard to listen to the first couple of them.

Then it will pay off later. Jordan's going to be hard to listen to the first couple of them, then it'll pay off later. Jordan's accent work is perfect throughout. Mine is shaky throughout. No matter how long it goes on. Anyway. I'm Dominic West. You're Idris Elba. Of course.

Idris Elba's voice is perfect. Everyone says that about me. The whole length of the wire and the whole time Dominic West, you're wondering if his character is supposed to be from Ireland or something. MaximumFun.org slash donate. Our producer, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez.

Let's be honest. He needs your help the most of all. This poor man is recently married. He's at a career crossroads. He's been eating dog food out of a spoon. It is an awesome thing that for every person you hear gabbing

on MaximumFun.org, there are a lot of very hardworking, brilliant people like Brian Fernandez, like Laura Swisher, busting their butts to get this stuff to you every week. Definitely know that when you go to MaximumFun.org slash donate, you're not just supporting the lunkheads you're hearing on mic. There's a bunch of other more talented lunkheads off mic that are really working hard to make sure you guys get this stuff on time. So MaximumFun.org slash donate.

It's kind of crazy. Like it was only like five years, five or six years ago that this whole company was just me in my house. And now it's, you know, in addition to more than two dozen shows, it's also 15 people or so who work here in this office and um and all those folks feel exactly like we're the ones on microphone and we brought laurie in here as well but we're the ones on microphone but like i know for a fact how much it means to all of those folks that they work for you as well um so yeah maximumfund.org donate and we'll talk to you next time with no URLs of that type on Jordan, Jessica.