Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 528: The Body Shop with Ben Gruber

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Writer Ben Gruber joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the instant brotherhood that men with beards share, the intricacies of Ben's job as an omnipresent PA on Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?, and the various television dancers who helped awaken each guy's burgeoning sexuality. Plus, Jordan poses a mystery concerning an encounter with a man in a track suit at a Del Taco and Ben talks about his new animated Amazon show Little Big Awesome.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan Morris, how are you my friend? Candied up. Yeah, we are pumped. We have been working for, on a secret project. Secret project, we're not telling you what it is.

Ten hours. Yes. We're in hour 11. Mm-hmm. And all I have had to eat since lunch is tiny Snickers bars. Us and our guest. Yeah. We all made a conscious decision. Right.

Our guest who we'll introduce momentarily. Yeah. Sure. Who knows? Yeah. Maybe. So we needed a little pep for today's episode. Why start being professional now?

Yeah, good idea. Because, I mean, I think people tune in for, you know, the discussion, the humor, the great guests. But mainly they're here to hear some pep. Yeah. Some pep for their step. Yeah. This is mostly a workout podcast. Right.

So we actually hear from a lot of prize fighters who listen to this show before and during their fights. Yeah. So, hey, all you fellas out there hitting some meat. Yeah. Way to go. Way to hit that meat. Yeah. Do they still do that or is that just in Rocky or is that a known boxing thing?

I'd like to think that it's a known boxing thing. Yeah, me too. But probably more UFC guys do it now. Yeah, you're right. Like a Taekwondo guy. Sure. You know what's disappointing to me about Ultimate Fighting Championship or UFC? What?

Well, there was a time when the premise of UFC was what would happen if a Taekwondo guy fought a karate guy. Sure. What if Street Fighter was real? But they just figured out that the best thing to do is basically just like, I guess it's like grab people to the ground and then kick them in the stomach or something. Sure. Something that is alternately boring and horrifying. Yeah, exactly. Something that oscillates wildly between boring and horrifying.

Yeah, exactly. And it is a real disappointment. Every time I see it, what I want to see is like Jackie Chan fighting against Mike Tyson. Sure. But then what I actually see is just two guys rolling on the floor. Sure. You want to see a guy, a yoga guy with stretchy limbs fight Blanca. Exactly.

When actually what I see is just one man holding another man on the ground and hitting his forehead over and over and over. If you're a UFC guy insulted by what we're saying. At Gas Station TV. at Gas Station TV. At Gas Station TV. On Twitter. And send your complaints. We live in Boston. Yeah, exactly.

So we decided to artificially candy up. Right. That's what I call it, candying up. Right. Because, you know, three candy boys here today. Classic C-boys. Yeah, we're just the three C-boys. Welcome to CB Radio. And so, yeah, I don't know if our artificial candy pep will come across, We're the three C-Boys here today. Classic C-Boys. Yeah, we're just the three C-Boys.

Welcome to CB Radio. And so, yeah, I don't know if our artificial candy pep will come across, but something fun to listen for for the rest of the episode. Here's something exciting. Please. Long-time listeners may know this, but I'm a migraine headache sufferer. My top trigger is chocolate. So we'll see what happens. Will Jesse fall to the ground and scream?

Welcome to Watch What Happens Live. Yeah. Jesse Thorne having eaten some Snickers. This is going to be like that scene in Scanners. Wait, what happens in Scanners? Yeah, your head explodes. Oh, got it. Okay. Right.

Maybe it'll be like that scene in Snickers. Flatliners? My voice is my password. And then you buy a Winnebago. You finally get that Winnebago you've been after. Should we introduce our guest? I would love to. Our guest is a beloved comedy writer.

Beloved by whom? The comedy writing community, I suppose. Sure. He's got a brand new show coming out on Amazon Prime. The pilot is up there right now. His name is Ben Gruber. Hi. Hi.

Hi, Ben. I hope you find me looping you into our Candy Boy Club. Yeah. I mean, my wife, actually, her nickname for me is Candy Boy. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. Oh, I want that. I want that.

Because I gave her diabetes. So she's, yeah. Ben, you and Jesse are both- Can we say what Ben's show is? Oh, sure. Ben, what's your show? I'm sorry. I should have said that.

It's called Little Big Awesome. There you go. Very, very fun. And I have... I won't say it now, but because I'm so bad with remembering names, I've printed out a list of the famous podcasters and comedians who are in the show. Let's do that. Our friend Mike Mitchell's in it.

Mike Mitchell's in it? Mike Mitchell is in it. That's true. Brendan Small in the pilot. Brendan Small? That's true. He sings a very? Mike Mitchell is in it. That's true. Brendan Small in the pilot. Brendan Small? That's true. Sings a very funny song about pointy objects. That's right.

The Pointy Things song. Oh, are we actually doing the list? No, let's save the list. Let's gab. Let's gab, yeah. That way we can save it for the end so it sort of like draws people through. Which of your favorite podcasters are in this show? It's like the story of the old stalwart actress who says that she can upstage the ingenue.

And the ingenue says, how? And then when they're doing a scene together, the actress, as she's leaving the stage, puts down her wine glass half on and half off the table. This is just like that. This is just like that. Am I the ingenue? Yeah, I think so. I'm the glass. Oh, you're the glass. And I'm the wine? Yeah, I think so. I'm the glass. Oh, you're the glass.

And I'm the wine, baby. Yum, yum. Let it flow. And Brian's the grand dame. Yeah. Jesse, you and Ben are both beard men. That's true. Do you prefer beard men or beard men?

I prefer bearder. Okay, you're a beardarder okay you're a bearder yes birder yes ben do you prefer one to the other uh truther truther okay you're a truther yes beards are all fake yes this is a false flag on my face what is a beard but a false flag for the face a follicle actor right yeah sure but you i grew my beard because of my woefully fat face. So I realized if I grew a pointy beard, it kind of comes to a point, it looks like I don't have a big ball head. That's the gift of the beard. Yes. Yeah.

For me, I also have a fat face. I also have a fat face. And I think ultimately, like, I am by natural – like, God made me to be a skinny person. And I live in defiance of his will, essentially. I have the build of a skinny person. I have no muscle tone or breadth of shoulder or anything. But I am 15 pounds overweight. So I have a little bit of fat face and then also weak chin.

I would kill to be 15 pounds overweight. The other nice thing is I couldn't afford cosmetic dentistry as a child. Sure. Orthodonture of any kind. So your flowing mustache is hiding your bad chopper? So I actually have, I got Invisaligns. I'm in the midst of Invisaligning. But I feel like when I decided to get the Invisaligns, I think I don't know that I had grown the beard yet. And, like, I think that by the time my teeth are straight for the first time in my life, I will not be able to enjoy it because it will

be hidden behind this ridiculous mustache that I have. Did you take your Invisaligns out when you were eating your candy? Or is there chocolate shoved in your Invisaligns? Save a little for later. Yeah. Actually, I take the Invisaligns out when I'm eating, and I put them in with a little bit of cocaine for podcasting. Oh, sure.

Yeah, get that pep in there. I will say I, like you guys, also have a fat face. I'm not some coward who's hiding behind a beard. I'm just letting it show. It's true. You're proudly fat-faced. Oh, yes. I'm here.

My face is fat. Get used to it. We are family. Anyway, so I noticed as we were coming into podcasts that you guys just automatically got to have a beard guy moment. Right. Talking about, you know, length, care, the clubhouse you guys meet at. It's a treehouse, right? The oils, the unguents that we rub into our beards.

The unguents. Yeah. A lot of unguents. It's a weird amount of unguents. Yeah. What's your unguents budget every month? It's a lot, truthfully. You know how expensive?

I got to go to this place in Pasadena that specializes in unguents. Oh, boy. Is this real? Yeah. You go to a Pasadena unguenture? Yeah. It's the old-timey shaving shop. I can get my straight razors. I can get my unguents. Oh boy. Is this real? Yeah. You go to a Pasadena unguent shirt? It's the old timey shaving shop. I can get my straight razors.

I can get my unguents. Wow. It's super expensive. Yeah, while you're up there, you can go to Pie and Burger. Sure, I can go to Pie and Burger. Pie and Burger, baby. But I was envious of the fraternity that you guys had. We're two men. We're meeting for the first time, but we have

this common ground. We have this meeting point, which is beards. And we can just – we can have a moment and we can get to know each other. And I thought that was really beautiful and I was envious of it, I'll say. Yeah, I think it is one of the better parts of being a beardo is that you can just walk right up to Bob Mould and you immediately have a point. Maybe you don't have any opinions about Zen Arcade. Exactly.

But you have something else to talk about. Yeah. Although I'm sure he's tired of talking about it. Well, also we have shaved bald heads, too. Oh, boy. Are there unguents for that? Unguents. Yeah, you got to make sure your scalp doesn't get all dry.

Is it a different unguent than the beard unguent? Come on. Okay. You're better than that. Of course it is. Is your head all the way shaved? Are you a – it looks like there's – it's hidden a little by headphones from my angle. Well, this is like three days past the shave.

Are you shaving it yourself? I am shaving it myself except for those special days that I go to the barber to have him tighten up the beard. Then he'll shave my head, but mostly it's me by myself. I learned how to do it where I hold a hand mirror and I check. I start bouncing reflections off different mirrors in the bathroom so I can see the back of my head. That's clever. I believe it's my traps. The muscles that come down from your neck

are huge from just having holding big shavers and hand mirrors in my hand. Do you have a special head shaving razor? Because this is something that on my drive to work, I drive past the lowest rent giant billboard that anyone has ever

seen in their entire life and it is for the pit bull head shaving razor which i do not think has anything to do with the semi-wrapper pit bull sure yeah i think it is i think that they just picked it it's like baby ruth oh okay sure yeah um No, I just use beard shavers on my head. Oh. Yeah, yeah. But there are those ones that you can like, they have wheels on them and you can roll them across your head like a Hot Wheels, except it's cutting your hair while you're rolling the Hot Wheels across your head.

In my imagination. Can you get the Batmobile? Yeah. That's great. Absolutely. In my imagination, I am not bald because. Now hear me out, guys. Sure, yeah. Hear me out.

In my imagination, I'm not bald because I go to the barbershop and get a haircut. So like from my perspective, even if I had like an electric razor with a clipper on it and I was cutting it very short, the fact that there is a fade, that there is a fade present is what constitutes non-baldness to me. So in this world, how big is your hog? I don't know. You'd have to ask Mark Barber. He shapes that too. Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, it's a full service thing.

I used to live in Chelsea in New York City. Beautiful country. Beautiful country. Famous gay neighborhood. And I lived by a place called the service station that they had a special where they would hand shave your balls for you. Oh, my. Yeah. Oh, my.

That's quite a service. It is. And it was like weirdly reasonable. I feel like it was like 15 bucks or something like that. Jordan's had his taint blasted. I've had my taint blasted at Burning Man. And all that cost was a hug because that's currency. It's like sandblasted?

No, it was a man who – and I'm sorry I'm talking about this on the podcast. You're coming on to promote your children's cartoon. But at Burning Man, I met a man who his thing he was giving to the community, and that's I think the ethos of Burning Man. I don't know if you guys are burners or not. I know you're bearders.

We're bearders. We're not burners. But you want to give something back. It's a money-free community. And this guy's service he was providing was taking one of those machines, those pump-action machines you'd use to water a plant that's up high. And he was blasting taints with water. And I will say I was reluctant. I think as any normal person would be. But I said yes to life. as any normal person would be.

But I said yes to life, and I let the man blast, and lordy did it feel good. It was cooling. Yeah, I mean, it's hot out there on the playa. Yeah. And, you know. Dusty? Sure. Ben, if you do want to get your balls sandblasted, I have a friend who has a body shop.

Sure. It could use it. It's a body shop in the back of a body shop. Oh, okay. All right. So that you can get some lotions in the front and then – This sounds great. When I first moved to L.A., this is like the first six months in the city, I got my inaugural L.A. fender bender and I needed to repair my car that the bumper was dragging off of

and I didn't know where to go. I needed to repair my car that the bumper was dragging off of. And I didn't know where to go. First vendor, vendor new to the city. So I'm like, well, I'll just go on Yelp and I'll type in Body Shop and I'll do whichever one is closest and that has a reasonable amount of stars. So I just typed in Body Shop. To be fair, you probably went to CitySearch.com. Yeah. That's how long I've been in L.A. CitySearch.com.

Yeah. That's how long I've been in LA. I went to – it's always funny when you see a restaurant that still has their CitySearch award that they won. Anyway, maybe take that down. But yeah, I just – so, you know, put Body Shop into Yelp and the first phone number came up and I called it and someone picks up. And I just start rattling off what happened to the car. I'm like, hey, yeah, I got hit in the bumper it's dragging and you know I have insurance but it's this company's and I don't know who you take and this guy in the you know because I was like you know I'm not I'm not a

cool professional man so it was just you know you weren't in your suit I was not in my suit no I was just rambling and this guy so I'm like yeah and you know someone hit me and I'm not sure and I got his insurance and I don't know if you take my insurance or his insurance and the guy cut me off with like hey hey hey this is a strip club called the body shop anyway so you got a lap dance so yeah i mean i got a lap dance just in your pants and here you know and you know what they took by they took my insurance they take triple a at the body shop. You needed that. Yeah. After the stress of your... I know.

Thank you. I'm realizing, by the way, that we might be part of another fraternity. What's that? Besides the Beardos. Are you wearing the Alden Indie boot? I am wearing the Alden Indie boot. Oh, Beards. I'm wearing also a pair of Aldens.

So we're part of the shoe... The Beards and Boots Club. The Beards and Boots Club. The Beards and Boots Club. Which is also a night at a bar in Chelsea. That is absolutely true. Those are beautiful, by the way. Aged lovely. I don't know how long you've had them, but they are.

10 years maybe? That's a good looking boot. 10 years? Handmade somewhere in New England. Oh, boy. Beautiful. Where in New England exactly? Connecticut?

Rhode Island? No, higher. Oh, like Maine? I don't know. I think it's like Maine. How far? Rhode Island? No, higher. Oh, like Maine? I don't know. I think it's like Maine. How high does it go? New Finland. New Finland.

I believe it's New Finland. New Finland. No, those are made in America, brother. The Maritime College. So, yeah, I mean, I have, I mean, like, you know, you guys had this immediate connection, like, I feel like to just, like, connect with a stranger, I just have to go up to them and say, like, do you like PlayStation? Yeah.

And then maybe they do and we can talk, but without that, I got nothing. It's undoubtedly the best part of being a member of the heterosexual bear community. Sure.

Is that you can recognize another hetero bear from across the room. You can just come up and talk about oils. Yeah. By the way, you were asking about shavers

for your head, for your bald head. I'm going to know my head's not bald. I get a haircut when I do. Oh, that's right. You get – that's right. Actually, I do see – there is a shadow there. And eight edges. Your hairline is just a little high.

Yeah. But there are also specialty shavers where I go to get my unguents and oils. There are specialty shavers for your back as well. So if you guys need that. How does that work? I kind of do need that now, by the way, and I don't like that about me. It's like a very long handle that has joints in it, like an action figure. Oh, cool.

Except you put a razor at the end. Like an action figure. Like an action figure. I think we all taped a straight razor to our Leonardo's. So it's like a back itcher, except instead of itching your back, you're probably cutting your skin while you're trying to get the hair off of it. Now, I mean maybe I don't know this because I'm not a married guy. Is this apparatus for single men?

Do you guys – does your spouse shave your back? Do they check your marital status at the door? I guess it's like something you don't need because you have a spouse. Well, can I tell you my first showbiz job? Yes. I walked in, so I worked on Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Whoa, whoa. Oh, no. Oh, no.

He threw down his microphone. Does he hate it? Does he love rockapella? Does he hate rockapella? I don't know. To be perfectly honest, I've known Jesse a long time, and I had no idea he would react this strongly to knowing that someone had worked on Carmen Sandiego. Well, I mean, it's not like you told me you worked on Square One, but this is like the second best. Holy cow.

Look, it was an exciting job, but I walked into the host, Greg Lee's dressing room once, and his wife was shaving his back. It was fantastic. Wow. wife was shaving his back. It was fantastic. And on the back was a map leading to the location of the Eiffel Tower. That's right. There was the loot and the warrant. Wow. Yeah. I had such strong

feelings about where in the world is Carmen San Diego as a, I don't know, what were we, 10 maybe? I didn't know this about you. Yeah, because all I wanted to do was be on where, it's the only, like the way that adult trivia nerds feel about Jeopardy, where they're like, I could do that. Like I could win money on Jeopardy that 100%, the only show that I've ever felt that way about was Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Like that was all I was good at in the world.

I was like, how do you get on? There was no, you know, you just got to be a – Were you an East Coast boy or a West Coast boy? I was a West Coast boy, but I was in Northern California. That's the problem is like – so they shot in Queens in the same studio as like where Sesame Street did their stuff. Actually, they shared a studio. It would be Carmen Sandiego and then the state would take over the thing.

Oh, that's so funny. Wow. So you actually, you have a brief appearance in Porcupine Racetrack? Yes. And I dip my balls in it. Oh.

Yeah, absolutely. That was when you toured the studio. Would you like to dip your balls in it? Oh, sure. Yeah. I do remember staring at them being like, oh, you sons of bitches. I'm putting out bagels and you're starring in a sketch show. No.

Oh, I am so mad at you. And they were like, we also work at The Gap. Pretty much. Yeah. That's what MTV paid. There's 45 of us. But yeah, so Carmen basically, I think, would just cast from people in New York. Carrie Kenny once told me that when she was on the state, she also worked as a cater waiter,

and she once worked at a cater waitering event. I mean, it wasn't a cater waitering themed event, but an event. An event that would require a cater waiter. The cater waiter award. Sure, yeah. She worked in an event that required- The Katie Waities. Yeah, that featured the entire top brass of Viacom, including the president of MTV.

That makes sense. I used to see – jeez, there was a sketch show on Comedy Central and – what's it called? Like Last Exit or something like that? Exit 57. Exit 57? Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Yeah, the early Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert, Paul D'Anello collab. Yeah, so I would see some of them bartending in the village.

Wow. It was not a great living, which is eventually why I had to move to Los Angeles. But you were getting that Carmen Sandiego money. I was getting that Carmen Sandiego money. Best thing that ever happened to me there. So the chief, if you remember the chief, Lynn Thigpen, I believe was her name. She is the lips in the movie the warriors she's the dj she's like hey boppers so in between she's had quite a career

she had a hell of a career but so in between takes she would do stuff from the warriors for me which was incredible she's one of those actors that you you just you you you're just like oh look it's that person like an esopath of murphys and right it's like you're you like, oh, look, it's that person. Like an Esopathamurthus. Right. It was like, you were super mean and stand by me. But you're so nice in real life. And you got to have all the bagels that Rockapella didn't finish. Oh, my God, Rockapella.

Not as nice. Rockapella, not as nice. No. Actually, that's not true. I take that back. Some of Rockapella, very nice. Okay. Low voice Rockapella man was not the nicest man in the world to me.

Was it just because whenever you talked to him, was it like one of those, was it like, did he have standing bitch voice? Yes. No, he would talk in that smooth, deep voice. He was like, well, I just, I brought him to the stage. Bring me, bring me my coffee. Bring me my coffee, coffee. I brought him to the stage too early once. And he did, was like, never do that

again. My wife had to stop shaving my back. It was, you know, later on, Greg Lee was sort of an underappreciated comedic genius. Like what he would do when the cameras weren't running.

It was super funny. And I eventually got a pilot on Comedy Central that I wanted him to host. And he got really close. And I kept pushing for him. I kept pushing for him. He did the funniest audition tape I've ever seen. I got hysterical laughing where I couldn't breathe. Everyone at Comedy Central did.

But they passed him over for J. Keith Van Straten oh our Max von Kallen J. Keith Van Straten it just so happens that I went to an Angels game with J. Keith Van Straten

not two days ago oh there you go so J. Keith was in my pilot it was called Let's Shop America it was Comedy Central's home shopping network and J. Keith was

the host. They just had a powwow. And they're like, listen, your guy's great. We all love the audition tape as much as you did. But we just want a man who works with rescue cats. I think that was it. We just need a man who's more well-versed. And then didn't he go on to host?

Beat the Geeks. Beat the Geeks, right? And then Blaine Capaccio's Beat the Geeks. So he was on that hosting run for, like, he was going to be the next big host. Yeah. But, you know, now he's here in podcast world with us. Yeah. Welcome to the sewer.

Hey, Jay Keith, go fact yourself. Yeah. Your great new podcast that I legitimately enjoy a lot and is really good. It's really funny. Yeah, check out Go Fact Yourself. They do a really great job on that show. Speaking of the mysteries of Carmen Sandiego, I had a mystery that I wanted to bring up. Can we save it until after the break?

Why don't we take a break, and then it's mystery time. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. Welcome everyone to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. So far, the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition. Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty? Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast. Titan Fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with hilarious conversations.

Woke trips through the history of wrestling, and jokes about the finer points of people wearing spandex. What a match! And the Tights and Fights podcast will be back every week! Thursdays on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Please, these hosts have families. Guys and Bites Podcast. Guys and Bites. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, of a tender head kiss. Oh, wow. Gruber came locked and loaded.

Pa-pow, pa-pow! And during the break, he was telling us that not only was he a PA on Carmen Sandiego, but he once put on Big Bird's head. Yeah, that used to be my job because I'm a Tali, so I could put on Big Bird's head. I could put puppets on people's hands.

That's amazing. I got to play, look, I don't want to freak you out again. I played a soccer tort in Carmen Sandiego. What's that? Oh, it's a flourless chocolate torte cake. Oh, a torte. Yes.

A Socrates torte. Oh. It's one of those cakes that you eat and then you're like, hey, this tastes good. Oh, this tastes like shit. Like after your second bite. Sure, sure. A couple of bites into the torte. Yeah, there's nothing that can get it out of your mouth. Do you feel like you got typecast?

Yeah, I'm always playing pastries these days. He had that nice run as a chocolate croissant on the shield. That's right. Oh, and I played a shark. Did you see the episode where the shark keeps going through the... No. Do you want me to remember specific things? I want someone to remember my on-screen credits.

Do you remember interactive television? It was like a box you connected to your TV that you could interact with your TV, like answer. That sounds very familiar. So they had that for like the defining memory, the thing that drew me to my rage about not knowing how to get. For some reason, I didn't want to be on like you can't do that on television. Yeah. Which is what I should have wanted to be on. That's extraordinary. I wanted to be on Double Dare.

Yeah, exactly. Super sloppy Double Dare or just regular? No, not, no, regular only. Okay. And not family Double Dare. Okay.

Because my dad wouldn't have participated because he wasn't an active member of the family. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Oh, boy. Yeah.

They got really real. Sorry. You really, you really slimed us Oh, Jesus. Wow. Oh, boy. Yeah. That got really real. Sorry. You really- I'll never- You really slimed us with your feelings. But I was at, I want to say, a baseball card convention as a nine or ten-year-old, and they had a setup for interactive TV, and you got to play along with Where in the World is Carmen Sandiegoiego and I got all

the questions right. You really could have cleaned up. So I had two jobs on that that would give like I'm prone to like panic attacks anyhow. Again, not to brag. Not to brag, but I do have panic attacks all the time. Ooh la la. Was your dad even absenter? So two of my jobs on there when not putting out bagels was, you know, the board where you would look for the loot and the warrant and all that?

Right. And how they would flip? Yeah. I was behind it flipping them. Oh, wow. That's like being the scoreboard operator at Fenway Park. It's very similar. Yeah, sure.

And I would get so scared. I was like, what if I don't know where it is? And I would sit there and I would study it and my heart would race and I'd go tell the line producer. I was like, I can't do it. I can't know where it is. What if I, you know, I would just, and I would sit there and I would study it and I would like, my heart would race and I'd go tell the line producer, I was like, I can't do it. I can't do it. And he would be like, I believe in you. That man eventually died. Rockapella sang at his funeral.

It was beautiful. And then. Did Rockapella really sing? Yeah, they really did sing at his funeral. It was so sad. There was a lot of crying. And my other job was, you know when they're running around the map? Where in the world is our beloved friend Ron?

Swing low, swing low, swing, carry it. I did become friends with a guy who later on joined Rockapella who would do the beatboxing. He was a later member. Sure. When they tried to get some urban cred. You know what we need. It worked out really well. You know who's going to love us?

Are you out of word up? They had a huge fan club. I mean, it was the saddest fan club in the entire world, but it was huge. And they would come visit the set and they would want like, can you get me that fake banana that they touched? And I would give them the fake banana. I'm willing to wager. If I know our audience, there's at least a few people out there with a signed Rockapella

photo that has moved with them from like apartment to apartment yeah they were legitimately great what kid yeah sure they're good um can i ask you a question yes please were they fucking oh the the groupies rockapella i mean were they were they fucking the groupies yeah yeah i think so yeah i don't see what yeah absolutely because these women like this was like 70s rock star style worship. This was crazy, crazy, crazy stuff. People throwing hotel keys. Yeah. Absolutely.

So I would say yeah. And then they'd probably go out to Astoria, Queens and get like a gyro with them or something like that. Oh, that sounds nice. That sounds very nice. Astoria is cool. I like Astoria. A lot of spiced lamb. Delicious there.

Sure. Yeah. It was really, very nice. Astoria is cool. I like Astoria. A lot of spiced lamb. Delicious there. Sure, yeah. It was really, really nice. What was I going to say? Oh, the other job I had there was, you know when the kids run around on the big map, which I'm sure you wanted to do? Yeah, of course. And there would be a sound effect for right or wrong. I literally had a – the right trigger was for right.

The left one was for wrong. So I would have to memorize the map to know when they were right or wrong. And again, it was just another thing where I would just panic attack every single day. You could destroy some dreams. Yeah, because if I fucked up, then the kids got to restart. And so if the kid was on a roll. Or they would become confused as to where Guam was. Right.

I also destroyed their education. Yeah. It was pretty exciting. And like the best and the worst of times. Right now I'm just picturing you and it's like the question is like was 9-11 an inside job?

And they go no and you go blah blah blah. They would not stop talking about 9-11 on Carmen Sandiego. Which is weird in retrospect. We didn't even know what it was at the time. But we should go back and watch the tapes. Hey, guys, I was there.

So come on, guys. Yeah, I mean, I was in the shower in my Chelsea apartment. Oh, boy. Yeah, it was. Thinking about the spiced lamb you were going to get later in the day. Man, listening to Howard Stern, I think. Yeah, I never imagined that Rockapella were capable of such an

act. I mean, it did, right? It turned out it was them. Yeah. I believe that's correct. I don't read the newspaper, but I look at Facebook sometimes. Sure, that's where you get all your news anyways. I wanted to talk about this mystery. Oh, yeah. Because I know we've got

a couple of snoops in the audience. Maybe a couple of snoops. Snoops. Some Sherlock's. All right, gumshoes. Sure. This fit in nicely. Beginning, I do know that the internet loves to solve mysteries through podcasts.

Yeah. For instance, where did Richard Simmons go? Yeah. Remember they solved that? Right. Yeah. I think. Yeah. He just wanted to be left Richard Simmons go? Yeah. Remember they solved that? Right. Yeah. I think. Yeah.

He just wanted to be left alone. Yes. He was tired of dancing and wanted to be left alone. What about the mystery of a grizzly murder? Sure. That's a mystery that's constantly being solved by podcast fans. Podcasts solve that? Just general grizzly murder?

No, one. Yeah. A new one every couple of months. Oh, okay. The hot new murder. The hot new murder. So I just wanted to let- What's your favorite murder?

My favorite murder? So I wanted to put this out there. And maybe this is something that you guys could solve immediately. But I'm guessing- We shouldn't because we don't have any more content for this show that's true yes so got it so i wanted to put this out there and just see if through you know people's gumption uh stick-to-itiveness google ability they can maybe help me solve this mystery that's really been eating at me for a couple of weeks um so what is this growth on your yes yeah what is

this is this cancer i'm gonna rub it on my microphone and you tell me the sound of this growth seems cancerous sounds good yeah oh yeah no it sounds benign um so i listen i was visiting some friends in orange county and i know that braggy, but it's important to the story. It was someone in no doubt? Well, we'll see. Now, Jordan, when you say you were visiting some friends in Orange County, do you mean the glow-in-the-dark stuff that you have on layaway at the store that only sells glow-in-the-dark stuff in the Irvine Spectrum?

No, that got bulldozed for an oxygen bar. So all my glow-in-the-dark stuff in the Irvine Spectrum? No, that got bulldozed for an oxygen bar. So all my glow-in-the-dark shit is gone. Thank you very much. And you were like 80% of the way there, too. Yeah. Yeah, still into oxygen bars in Orange County. They just made it there. Off to the wizard's store.

Yeah, I guess so. So I was visiting some friends in Orange County. And, you know and this visit happened. It was lovely. I find myself in the line for the bathroom at a Del Taco. Sure. Just things progressed that way, and I'm in the line for the bathroom at a Del Taco. Oh, for the bathroom?

For the bathroom. Had you already eaten your Del Taco and immediately got diarrhea? No. Uh-uh. Okay. Oh, for the bathroom? For the bathroom. Had you already eaten your Del Taco and immediately got diarrhea? No, uh-uh. Okay. Yeah, right, exactly. What we also have is you order from Del Taco, you get in line, you eat in line, and then sit right down on the toilet.

Right, that makes sense. It's a Del Taco life hack. Especially if you've had too much Del Scorcho. Oh. And so I'm standing in a little lineup for this bathroom. Jordan, I believe you're a bit of heat. Stop using other podcasts, catchphrases on this show. Sorry.

Oh, you're going to hate my letter song. Oh, I'm going to sing such a letter song. We did just see Mike Mitchell. Gotta love him. And Ben brought him up. So, you know, we got that on the brain. Um, so I, I'm in line and this, there's's a there's the dude at the front of the line he's and i want you to be able to picture him because i think that's important

so he's got on a he's got on a panama hat he's a full adidas tracksuit and he is like sunburned and swaying he's like drunk and sunburned and swaying. He's like drunk and sunburned. This sounds, this honestly, that you're describing a person in Orange County, this sounds like a person from my childhood. Yeah. Like this is a guy walking down the street in my neighborhood when I was a kid.

So yeah, so this is a, this is, this is this man. Okay. And so he's just kind of like waiting for the bathroom and kind of swaying back and forth. I literally recently had the thought, why don't I see more people swaying, walking around anymore? Like, oh, because I no longer live in a place full of winos and cranes. People are nodding out. Yeah.

Yeah. People are fucked up so they're not conscious but not so fucked up they can't walk around. So few people itching themselves in my presence.

This was not that. This is just a guy who had been like drinking all day. Right. At like Disneyland or something like that? I think like at the beach.

Okay. Like at like a beach side bar or something. So this guy's standing in line. He's kind of like looking. He's clearly like annoyed this has taken so long. And he. Is he holding his pee pee?

No, his pee pee is in his pants. Okay. His arms are crossed. The man's fully clothed. And then he's looking at her and then he notices me. And he looks at me and he's like, oh my God, dude. How the fuck are you? And he comes over.

He gets out of line and gives me this huge hug, gives me this huge hug. And my thought is immediately, this is someone I went to high school with because I went to high school around there. And, you know, I was seeing old high school friends. So, you know, I'm like, oh, this is like, or, you know, like, yeah, or maybe even further back, maybe even like elementary school or this is, you know.

You're pretty sure it's not your dad? I'm pretty sure it's not my dad. Yeah, because he didn't help me win that Sega Genesis. Got it. By finding the flag that was in the Blue Plate special. Got it. That's a thing on Double Dare. Got it.

Anyway, good for me. So this guy's hugging me and I don't know who he is. And he's like, oh, my God, dude, how are you? And I'm just like, good, man. Small world, huh? is. And he's like, oh my God, dude, how are you? And I'm just like, good man, small world, huh? You know, he's like, yeah, totally. He's like, so what have you been up to? And I just don't, I'm, I'm, my thing is like, I will ride this out. How long could this last? Right. So I'm like, yeah, good. You know, just, just chilling, just here visiting some old friends. And I kind of gestured to my friends who I'm like, yeah, good, you know, just chilling, just here visiting some old friends. And I kind of gestured to my friends.

I'm like, oh, if he recognizes them and we went to high school, maybe this will help. But he did not recognize them. And you're thinking maybe he doesn't have the stamina to keep this up. Sure, yes. Yeah, this is a man who's having a hard time staying conscious at Del Taco. Right. So he's like, yeah, so what are you up to? I'm like, oh, you know, just, you know, a little of this and a little of that.

He's like, oh, cool, man. Yeah, I know. And then so the guy in line in front of me, I guess, is his buddy. And he turns to the guy and he's like, this guy, me and this fucking guy. Me and this fucking guy spent eight weeks together on a bus on the Warped Tour who does he think I am? who does this man think I am?

I have never been on the Warped Tour I've certainly been to the Warped Tour as a child but and who is this guy? as a television professional

that's true I did go to so I did go to cover the Warped Tour when I worked at Fuel TV because that was fuel tv's thing right uh you were briefly i believe in paramore i was in there i did play keys for paramore a little bit so it's one of those things where i wasn't part of the band but i toured with the touring right group so yeah so this is my question to the audience is who is he and who does he think I am? Yeah.

Who on the Warped Tour do I look enough like? Now, can I ask you a quick follow-up question? Yes. The Warped Tour is not my area of expertise. Is it possible that he said he spent eight weeks in a van with you on the Rock the Bells Tour? Oh, so maybe he thinks I'm Tyga. In that case, I believe you're U-God. U-God.

Okay, sure. Or Tyga. It could be Tyga. It might be Tyga. Let me ask you this. Please. Is it possible that this is just like a rap he concocts when he sees a guy who he just wants to get a squeeze on?

Oh, he just wanted a bathroom hug. Right. He wanted a pre- I've got to be honest with you. I look at you. Sure. You've got a nice soft bod that I want to get up on your case. I do. No, I've got to be honest with you. I look at you. Sure. You've got a nice soft bod that I want to get up on your calves. I do.

No, I do. You know what I mean? Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Ben. Now, hold on, Ben. He's soft in all the right places. Hard in all the right places. Right.

Absolutely. Big. Stronger calves than you might think. Stronger calves than you might think. That's what Jesse's talking about. But I maybe, you know, I could see how that would actually work as a way to, like, hug somebody. I want to hug, so I'm going to pretend

like I was on the Warped Tour with this guy? Look, it's all specifics, right? You learned that when you trained your improv. That's true, yes. Specifics. Yes, and? Jordan, are you Big Tigger from Rap City the Basement?

I think so. Okay, well, that explains that. Yeah. So, yeah. And I mean, I guess, I mean, it's like the Warped Tour is such a changing thing. You know, it just acquiesces to whatever 16-year-olds are into that year. Yeah. Who are the bands?

Like, oh, my God, you know who you look like? Who? Wait a second. What, did we figure that out? This is a skating festival, right? Wait a second. What if we figured it out? This is a skating festival, right?

So it is mostly like whatever the genre of heavy rock music that is popular. But then people are on a half-pipe. And skating, yes. Yes. All right. You look like a professional skater whose name I cannot remember. Okay. He's in two movies. Okay.

He's in a comedy that I'll never remember the name of, but the woman who's in, like the star of Once Upon a Time was in it. Okay. It's not Gleaming the Cube. Okay. That's a different movie. One of those, one of those like teen skate movies. It's like a teen skate movie.

And then he's also in one of those, the Dogtown one. Oh, sure. Dogtown and Z-Boys. Dogtown and Z-Boys. Yeah, yeah. He was, he's in that,

he hits one of the main characters who then has to get an eye operation. Do you remember that character? Oh, I don't. They get into a fight on the half pipe. Okay. He's got curly hair like yours. Okay. I swear to God, I think he thinks you're that skater.

This is close. I think this is great. He's a professional skater. I do not know what his name is. You can IMDB those movies. I don't. Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk.

Yes, it's Tony Hawk. That's true. That's right. That's why I've been making all those video game residuals. People just assume I'm Tony Hawk and send me his checks. Yeah. People keep bringing up the Jones Brigade to you. Right, exactly.

Do you know Tony Alva? I think I do. Tony Alva's the one who gets punched by this guy. Oh, okay. Yes, the Tony Alva character, I should say. So, yeah, I mean, I guess the assumption is like, oh, look for a guy in a band who I look like. But, I mean, there's also the- I think you really look like this skater. Okay, so mean I guess the assumption is like oh look for a guy in a band who I look like. But I mean there's also. I think you really look like the skater.

OK. So maybe I'm a skateboard guy or I mean I guess it's entirely possible that the people do do like concessions travel in buses. So maybe there's a non sexy answer to this. You're the churro guy. Yeah. Oh man me and this motherfucker sold some fucking churros to some 16 year olds. You would hook me up with that cinnamon sugar. You think the tour that you think the churros to some 16 year olds. He would hook me up with that cinnamon sugar.

Do you think the churro guys tour with the show? I don't know. We got to get consistency in this churro serving operation. We can't get local churro guys. They don't have the touch. Yeah. We want to be able to regulate. We want to be able to regulate the quality of our churros.

Right. Like how some hick in Pepper Pike, Cleveland going to know how to make a churros. Right, like how some hick in Pepper Pike, Cleveland, know how to make a churro. Yeah. To answer your question, I think Warped Tour just kind of changes as to what the 16-year-olds are into. I think when I was going, it was like, you know,

it was your rancids and your no-effects, but with a pepper of whatever the weird throwback was that year, like a swing band or something like a cherry popping. I absolutely saw the cherry popping daddies on my first Warped Tour. By the way, have you thought about that name now? I know. Horrible.

Awful. Also, their signature hit song. And I apologize. We do have a listener oh that's right the manager listens of the cherry poppin daddy yes who was it that we had a question about them and then the manager or their tour manager answered something like that but anyway we also have we have a listener who's a super fan but uh their signature hit song is about a brutal race riot wait wait the zoot suit riots were a race riot in which Latinos were victimized by white American service members during World War II.

I had no idea. I honestly thought it was just like guys wearing Zoot Suits having fun. It seems like that's what they think it is, but yeah. Sure. And it was, yeah. And that was just like a song on the radio in 1997 by a band called that. Yeah. So yeah. It was just like a song on the radio in 1997 by a band called that.

So, yeah. But I think when I was doing it for Fuel TV, it was like screamo bands. It was like thin boy men with flat ironed hair and then one of them sang and one of them screamed. Like a Fallout boy? Yeah, like a Fallout boy. A Fallout boy with a little more screaming. And maybe a worst screaming who and maybe a worst case scenario and then a guy who rapped that also thrown in there too like i always sing like this rap rap rap this is bad i i always felt bad for the rap guy from the band lincoln

park i mean i didn't feel that bad for them because they sold 7 billion records somehow. But I always felt bad for that guy for two reasons. One, like at one point he made a solo album and like every producer and guest appearance on that was like, if I made a rap album, like it was like, like if somebody gave me, Shaq made an album like this too at one point, but it was like, if somebody just gave me the budget to book any hip-hop producer, any guest rapper on my rap album I wanted, that guy picked exactly the people at the time that I would have picked.

Also, not a good rapper. I felt bad for him for that reason. He seemed like a nice man, but not a great rapper. So yeah, I just wanted to throw this out to all the snoops. All the snoops. I think I honestly solved it. Okay.

So F all you snoops. Yeah. Iops. I think I honestly solved it. Okay. So F all you snoops. Yeah. I did it. Brian, do us a favor. Let's go to break and see if you can find the man who punches Tony Alva in Dogtown and Z-Boys. And we'll find out if our guest is an ace detective. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ben Gruber, human equivalent of a tender head kiss. You know, every week, Jordan, Jesse, go is supported by folks like you out there who've gone to MaximumFun.org and become members of MaxFun. We're also supported this week by the folks at Away, makers of first-class luggage at a coach price. You know, I have an Away piece of luggage. Braggy, but continue. I really, I know.

I hang out in Orange County, and I've got a piece of Away luggage. And I really love this thing. It's terrific. They use high-quality materials while offering a much lower price by cutting out the middleman and selling directly to you. So this actually has a compression system built into the suitcase. I thought that was kind of incredible. Yeah, helpful for overpackers. And this is a neat feature.

They are always able to charge cell phones, tablets, and anything else that's powered by a USB cord. A single charge of the Away's carry-on will charge your iPhone five times. There's also a lifetime warranty. So if anything breaks, they'll fix it or replace it for you for your entire life. And, Jesse, we got a special offer for our listeners. If you want $20 off a suitcase, you visit awaytravel.com slash JJGO and you use offer code JJGO at checkout, awaytravel.com slash JJGO, offer code JJGO at checkout for $20 off.

What do you think is the top travel destination for Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners with their Away suitcase? Rockapella Con. It's got to be Rockapella Con. It's gotta be rockapella con. That's an Aruba, right? Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

I think so. Uh, you know what? Head to Aruba, hit that con, get to fucking. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's what I say. At awaytravel.com slash JJ go. Offer code JJ go at checkout.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. JJ Go. Offer code JJ Go at checkout. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ben Gruber, kissy head.

Oh. Shorten that up. It's like a fun short version. Yeah. K-head. Sure. Shorten it, longen it. Any occasion. Dress it up, dress it down.

As long as you're kissing the head, that's the important thing. As long as you're kissing the head. Don't fuck that up, okay? Yeah. That's like important. It's very important. Got to draw the line somewhere. Of course.

That's my line in the sand. Don't fuck that up. During the break, Ben's theory is the guy in line thinks I'm professional skateboarder Chad Fernandez. I believe that was his name. Okay. Skateboarder slash actor. That is either his name or a parody of a professional skateboarder's name.

We learned that he plays the evil dude in the other skating, the comedy skating movie, The Grind. One of my favorites. It's called Grind. One of my favorites. Well, you love to grind. I do love to grind. And I love grinders.

It's my favorite kind of regional sandwich. So good. I love MTV's The Grind. Sure, yeah. Also great. Love that high-energy dance music. Yeah. That's my favorite genre.

And I also loved some- I don't know if y'all were ready for that, but- I loved some early sexual feelings. Did you ever try to jack it to The Grind? Maybe, it was maybe like looking at it and going like, OK, I think I like girls. Yeah, I think I like them. I think I'm ready to start liking girls. And I think I'll do that now.

As a wee boy growing up in the suburbs of Philadelphia, there was a local dance show and there was a dancer on there. She went by Princess, but she would she would dress like prince oh boy but oh my god like this woman i was a little too young to masturbate but i if i if i had known how to i would have just destroyed myself to princess i have you ever i've talked about this drove me crazy i probably talked about this uh a number of times on Jordan, Jesse, go to the point where it's probably worrying people. But there is a YouTube compilation of Rosie Perez on Soul Train that will make you like sweat out of the tops of your feet. Oh, boy. Like your kneecaps will be sweating because of how intensely sexual Rosie Perez dancing on Soul Train is.

Like it is awe-inspiring. I remember watching, just from that era of television, I remember I was a big In Living Color fan as a kid. I loved comedy. I loved sketch comedy. Sure. You love Fly Girls. You've always been into the subtle stuff.

Sure, exactly. I like it. Right. It's kind of almost British. It's so dry. I think it was like Portlandia before Portlandia. Exactly. Thankfully. I think it's a proto-Portlandia. In a lot of ways, it just kind of holds a mirror up to our urban elites. Right.

Exactly. And I remember watching In Living Color, and then there would be a Fly Girl routine that would be so sensual that I would be taken aback. I would be like, this is not a place for such sensuality. I'm not comfortable with these feelings. I'm surprised you were allowed to watch In Living Color. You know, yeah, we were. Well, it's not like his father was around to stop him.

Yeah, like, I don't care what you watch, kid. I'm not going to help you win that trip to space camp. Jordan was famously not allowed to watch Pee-Wee because it was too weird. Too weird, yes. Yeah. Which, to be fair, it is too weird. It may be too weird. You kind of seem, honestly, like a real-life peewee character.

Right, yeah. You're like Cherry. If Cherry was a guy, you'd be Cherry. If Cherry was a guy, who am I to have found my new nickname? Cherry. So, yeah. I mean, you know, we had a couple of no-no shows in the house. Peewee was one.

Beavis and Butthead was the other. Because I think my mom, you know. I mean, Beavis and Butth. Pee Wee was one. Beavis and Butthead was the other because I think my mom, you know. I mean, Beavis and Butthead. I worked as a PA on Beavis and Butthead. Whoa. There you go. What a career. What a career. You got some credits, buddy.

You got some credits. Did you meet the great Cornholio? I did. Wow. Cool. But no, and Living Color was fine. I don't know why. I can't get into my mom's head about what was okay and what was not. The Sim Living Color was fine. I don't know why. I can't get into my mom's head about what was okay and what was not.

The Simpsons was okay. We liked to watch that as a family, and that was like a famous show that my friend's moms were banning. So I don't know. I don't know. my parents my mom was not engaged enough in the world of popular culture to know what i shouldn't watch i thought you were just literally gonna stop it my mom wasn't engaged enough in the world yeah okay no no she was she was actively engaged in the world but like i think i sincerely think that when i was a child she now watches a lot of MSNBC, and she really likes Say Yes to the Dress.

Ah. But I think that when I was a child, we used to watch Pee Wee's Playhouse together every week, and I think that was the only television show she watched.

Mm-hmm. That's horrible. Yeah, but she wasn't like opposed to television. We had a TV in the house. It just, she was too busy manically doing other things. I was the last of six boys.

Oh, wow. So by the time I was watching television, my parents couldn't care fucking less. Just watched the Playboy channel. I was, like, legitimately just watching porn. Like, my older brothers just had all sorts of dirt around the house. And they just couldn't care. It seems like these red shoe diaries. Yeah.

They didn't care. And we had that full package. Right. Everything. You didn't just have Playboy Channel. You had Spice. That's right. Oh, hey.

Really? Yes. It was incredible. It was what a childhood. Thank you, Mom and Dad. I really appreciate it. Did they ever take you on Family Double Dare? No.

No. No, they didn't. Room for improvement. That's a good point. And as a matter of fact, it's weird that I cared about this. They took all my brothers to go see Annie on Broadway with what's-her-name from Sex and the City as Annie. Cynthia Nixon. Cynthia Nixon.

No. Another one. The main character. Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker was playing Annie. Cynthia Nixon. Cynthia Nixon. No, another one. The main character. Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker was playing Annie. I didn't know that. They're bringing all my brothers

to New York to go see this show. They lied to me saying like, we're just going to the market or something. You stay here with the housekeeper.

Oh boy. And then like hours were going by and I was like, where is everybody? And it turned out they went to go see Annie. And everybody comes walking through the door.

The sun will come out. I legitimately remember laying down in the driveway just crying, just bawling that they left me. You're like, if you're going to leave me, then I'm going to go into show business. That's right. I'm going to go see Secret Garden without you. Yeah. I can't think of other bad Broadway musicals that I wanted to go see. I wanted to go see Bring in the Noise, Bring in the Funk.

Sure. I got to. It was revelatory. Sounds amazing. I cried. Yeah, wow. Is that true? Yeah.

Did you cry? Bring in the Noise, Bring in the Funk. I totally cried. Did you cry at Blue Man Group? I haven't seen Blue Man Group. Stomp? I did see Stomp and I wasn't nuts about it, but I was a little older. De La Guarda, Learn to Fly?

I haven't seen that one. Okay. I can't think of any other. Are we just going to list? Like the ones where you smash trash cans. That's what I'm trying to think of. Got it. No, Bring in Denoise, Bring in Defunct did genuinely bring me to tears.

Less so Whoopi Goldberg in A Funny Thing Happened on the Way of the Forum, which was the other Broadway show I saw as a child. I just saw popular podcast guest and sitcom star John Bowie. John Ross Bowie. John Ross Bowie. A friend of Jordan Jesse. Oh, there you go. He and I went to college together. But I just saw him at the Gary Marshall Theater in the Laughter on the –

23rd floor? I cannot remember the name of the floor. Laughter on 42nd Street. No, it was definitely a floor. 23rd floor. It was the 23rd floor. Vanya on the 23rd floor. Yes, that's right.

It was great. This is the Neil Simon play about Sid Caesar's writers. Exactly. This is the Neil Simon play about Sid Caesar's writers. Exactly. And Neil Simon should be – it turns out Neil Simon needs to get sued by the guy who wrote My Favorite Year, which is also about the same thing. There are very similar beats in both things. Neil Simon wrote his years later. I didn't realize that.

I thought My Favorite Year was basically taken from – But Neil Simon did – he was there at the time. I think maybe the other guy was too. I don't know. I don't know who wrote my favorite year. I'm not 100% sure. Long after the show's over, Jesse and I will write dueling Broadway musicals about Jordan, Jesse, go. Which one is the real one?

And John Bowie can- God, I would love that. He's got dreams of Broadway. John Bowie to... Oh, God, I would love that. He's got dreams of Broadway. John Bowie to play Brian. Oh, John Ross Bowie. Yum, yum. Going to see him next week on our secret project.

Yep. Yeah, there you go. Star study. Great J.R.B. Star study. Who knows what it is? He's a network sitcom star now, that guy.

Sure is. God bless him. Good for him. Deserves it. Using his network sitcom star cachet to star in plays in Burbank. Well, I think honestly he's like trying to get his chops up so he can get to Broadway. I think that would be his like ultimate goal. I think that's true.

There is no more passionate exchange than if you get John Ross Bowie and Jimmy Pardo in a room. Right. change than if you get John Ross Bowie and Jimmy Pardo in a room, say the name of a, like you just say the name of, you just say Steven Sondheim or something. Watch him go. You just say assassins.

Yeah. See what happens. John Ross Bowie once was making on this show, once made fun of me for having gone to an arts high school. And he's like, Oh, what, what, what play did you do? what play did you do in high school?

Mother Courage and Her Children? And I was like, yes, I did do Mother Courage and Her Children in high school. Sweet burn. Yeah. What, were you in Gypsy? I don't know. Aw. When something momentous happens to you, like you get into a musical theater conversation with John Ross Bowie, the one and only, we ask that you call us at 206-984-4FUN.

That's 206-984-4FUN. And the way to do it is put it in your phone. [phone]FUN. While it's in your head right now, put it in your phone. [phone]FUN. For our segment, Momentous Occasions. Here is our first such occasion. Hey, Jordan, Jesse,

guests. This is Mike calling from New Jersey. I got a momentous occasion for you. It is Sunday the 15th and I just got back from my Boy Scout camp

I've gone to for the past 15 years because we were touring about 500 people through. It's because the Boy' camp I've been to is where they filmed the iconic Friday the 13th movie. So I got to basically play Jason and tour people around the place

where I learned how to cross old ladies over the street. So a bunch of plit. Get them, get them, get them. Have a great one. Crossing old ladies over the street, by the way, is what you do if you run into a possessed old lady. Sure, right. He played Jason?

Am I? On the tour. So wait, they have people jump out? He's been for, okay, number one, my first concern is that he's been going to this summer camp for 15 years. Sure, yeah. That seems too long. Right. Like, when do you start when you're nine, right?

Right, yeah. For the past 10 years, they haven't realized he was there. Yeah. But he's still been going. That is too long to go to a summer camp if you started going when you were one. Yeah. He's attended the summer camp for nine years, and then for six years he skulked at and around the summer camp. Right.

Do you think, now, this is just a pitch for this guy and, you know, the camp. And I don't know who makes these decisions, the camp director or the administrator or a board or whatever. I'm not familiar with camp politics. Maybe Jason. Maybe Jason. Kick it up because, I mean, clearly there's a lot of repeat business here. This guy has been going for 15 years. Next year, when you're leading people around, Jason comes out and then fights Freddy.

Oh. I think people want to see that. And then Predator fights Alien. Whoa. Next level. Yeah. And then Jackie Chan. We just went down a little.

Just end up rolling around on the floor. And then you all make God's eyes and drink bug juice. Yeah. Did you go to summer camp, Jordan? I did not go juice. Yeah. Did you go to summer camp, Jordan? I did not go to summer camp. Did you go to summer camp, Ben? I went to summer camp my whole life until my final year. I went to some camp on Lake Winnipesaukee.

Wow. Beautiful Lake Winnipesaukee. Wait, until your final year? You mean like before you were stricken with cancer? Yes, exactly. My final year. Oh, by the way, guys, I'm dead. I was never here.

We've been talking to your go-go-go-go-go. That final year. Oh, by the way, guys, I'm dead. I was never here. We've been talking to your... Whoa! That's right. No, I just remember I went to this... The old camp I went to, Lenny Lenape was the name.

Okay. I think closed down, so I went to this new camp on Lake Winnipesaukee. I'm pretty sure that's a sitcom character from the 70s. That's right, Lenny Lenape.

I just remember being so unhappy, and I was already way too old for this, but I just remember crying a lot at camp. Sure. I was like, Mommy, Daddy, you have to take me home.

I can't be here. I don't want to be killed and made into a trophy by the Predator. Wait, the whole way through? I was like after week one or two because like one camp I was like doing plays, and then somehow I wound up at like a real sporto camp. Sure. And then somehow I wound up at like a real sport camp. And I just I have like I always blamed it on the fact that I'm very tall. So I've never had any physical coordination because I'm always growing. That wasn't true. I just was a fat, shitty athlete.

So this was not the camp for me. And I was just like super upset the whole time. And eventually, like I cried so much, they did bring me home. And that was the end of camp for me my camp experience uh at saint dorothy's rest in northern california and episcopal sounds fun episcopal overnight camp that i attended several times was i feel like most people who most kids who go to summer camp their struggle is with being apart from their family and their parents. But for me, as the child of divorce, I was so emotionally alienated from both of my parents and all other people, as today, that it was no problem.

That part was no sweat. I already was basically just like taking care of myself, you know? So it was no concern at all of mine. It really came down to my distaste for the camp ultimately came down to my distrust of trees. Sure. You don't know what's going on in there. Yeah. Bees nest?

Owl couple? Wait, where are you from? I'm from San Francisco. Okay. And I don't... Only as a now 37 year old man, only in the last four

years have I... I still do not want to go camping. Because of trees? Because I just don't know what it's all for. Sure. Like, what am I trying to do here? I will say, so a friend of mine married a woman from Orange County, your hometown. Yeah.

Braggy, but keep it clear. Yes, that's right. I went to a wedding with them in Connecticut, which is, of course, famously treed. Sure. And she was legitimately freaking out. Maybe it's a California kid thing, but she was like, look at all these trees. She's like, anything could be hiding behind these trees. Yeah.

This place is terrible. And they have white castles instead of In-N-Out burgers. Which is also terrible. Yeah. Oh, you don't like In-N-Out burgers? I'm not going to fight you on that, but I disagree. No, the White Castle's are bad. The White Castle's are bad.

Which are you saying is worse, White Castle or In-N-Out Burger? White Castle is way worse than In-N-Out Burger. Okay, good. Yeah. Good, good. In-N-Out Burger's pretty good. Sure. It's pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, that's astonishing for $3. Sure. Anyway, let's listen. Again, we don't want to steal another podcast. Oh, that's all right. That's right.

I'm just warming up. You're the one who brought up Del Scorcho. That's true. I did bring up Del Scorcho. I did bring up Del Scorcho. Anyway. A brother of mine, I believe, was famously arrested for smoking crack on his way to a white castle in Yonkers, Oh, and that was the basis for Harold and Kumar. Yes, exactly.

Oh, love those movies. It did get him off drugs, though. Oh, there you go. Because he said, I was sitting in jail going, I just smoked crack. I really better take a look at my life. Sure. And that was his food choice. And I don't even have those tasty sliders.

Oh, he didn't get with those little onions on it? No. Yeah. Anyway. I've never had White Castle. Have you he didn't get with those little onions on it? No. Yeah. Anyway. I've never had White Castle. Have you ever had White Castle? I've never had White Castle either. It's disgusting.

Like if you just want like steamed, just eat a steamed onion. Sure. That's what it tastes like. Okay. Well, that doesn't sound half bad. That might be nice. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. How's it going, everyone?

I'm Oliver Wang. And I'm Morgan Rhodes. We have a brand new show on the Maximum Fun Network that we'd love to share with you. It's called Heat Rocks. Morgan, we should probably explain what a heat rock is. It is a banger, a fire track, true fire. Right. Dope album. Each episode, we will bring on a special guest to join us to talk about one of their heat rocks. It might be a musician. A writer. Maybe a scholar. I mean, I would have been happy to just talk to you about your heat rocks, but this is a different show. Yeah. I think people might enjoy hearing maybe the guests instead. To do that, you'll have to go to MaximumFun.org.

So if you want to talk about hot music, you should check us out. Heat rocks. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ben Gruber, kissy face. If you talk about a list in the first act act and i don't mean to get all screenplay seminary on you but if you talk about a list of podcast celebrities take it home robert mckee

if you talk about did you know robert mckee is doing comedy seminars now oh boy i know it's truly truly truly incredible we should probably go do you think it'll make the podcast better uh i think the podcast is beyond saving but we should should probably go just for the next phase of our career. Sure, yeah, yeah. Once this is inevitably canceled. Is he the Save the Cat guy? That's a different – I think the Save the Cat guy died.

He's the adaptation guy. Okay. Yeah. He's the guy who is parodied in adaptation. Okay. Or attributed or whatever. Do you think he has the ability to save the cat? I think he could save a cat, but he's no J. Keith Van Straten.

Sure, yeah. A man who's dedicated his life to saving the cats. Okay. Does Robert McKee own a ladder? Who knows? He can get cut in trees. So, Ben, you've got a list. You've got a new television program coming out on Amazon.

Yes. A little bit awesome. You cast a lot of major celebrities on this program, genuine famous people such as Dave Franco. Dave Franco, that's true. He plays Freedom Toe Dave. Okay. Yeah. Weird Al.

Weird Al, Weird Al. Amy Mann. And then it gets even more famous. Jessica McKenna. Whoa. Yeah, we've heard of Off Book. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

We've heard of Party Over Here. Oh, sure. Yeah. I have heard of Party Over Here. Party Over Here was good. Did you write for Party Over Here? No, I wish. Okay.

No. All right. But it was- Nick Weigert. Nick Weigert was the head writer. Ryan Perez wrote for Party Over Here. Okay. Ryan Perez wrote for Party Over Here. Heather Campbell wrote for Party Over Here. Then we got what?

Lennon Parham. Sure. Playing in the house. Past Jordan Jesse Goh guest, I think. Absolutely. Lennon's been on Jordan Jesse Goh. Super Delight, Paul Scheer. Sure.

Another past Jordan Jesse Goh guest. Absolutely. June Diane Rayfield. Hey. Another past Jordan Jesse Goh guest. Someone who's seen Paul Scheer news. Sure. Yeah.

Maybe. We don't know that. Don't put words in their mouth. Who knows how those babies got in there? Sure. Kate Micucci of so many things. Sure, yeah. Micucci's all over the place.

She is. Maybe he never has been on Jordan Jesse Go. Really? That's surprising. We should change that. We should get Kate Micucci in. She'd be great. Another delightful young lady.

Absolutely. Mike Mitchell we talked about, of course. Yeah, we can go past that. Betsy Sedaro. Oh, sure. Betsy Sedaro is lady. Absolutely. Mike Mitchell we talked about, of course. Yeah, we can go past that. Betsy Sedaro. Oh, sure. Betsy Sedaro is hilarious. Great. She plays Puddin' Peggy.

Puddin' Peggy. That's right. She runs a water park that's, instead of water, it's pudding. That sounds really good. It's really gross. Nicole Byer. Oh, yeah, sure. Talented young woman.

Michael Bolton, who we forgot to mention. Big star. Legit big star. He's actually one of our most beloved recurring guests here on Jordan Guest. Michael Bolton came to shoot his... There's some live action. There's actually a fair amount

of live action in the show. So it's animation. There's some puppets. There's puppets. There's some kitties. There's people in suits like Weird Al and Amy Mann play the sun and the moon but they're just putting on like headdresses. Great. So do you see the whole thing

as just a Baron Munchausen? Yeah, essentially I stole Baron Munchausen. Also, I'm going to kill my child because I have Munchausen's. Oh,

got it. Excellent. So I have that as well. And you're going to say something that really upsets people because you're Terry Gilliam. That's right. Michael Bolton flew in to do his shoot. He had just come from like Japan where some billionaire paid him to play his birthday party.

He's backing up his Bentley. He hits a pole, dances Bentley. Not through – someone actually guided him into the pole. It was the most ridiculous thing. Oh, wow. But he dances Bentley. I was like, well, that's it. He's not going to do the show because that's $25,000 worth of damage right there.

Right. Bolton apparently has done pretty well because he's like, oh, well, and walks inside. Bolton's a pro. Yeah. Bolton's a pro. Bolton's got comprehensive. He is. Maybe that's it.

He's going to call up the body shop and ask for a lap dance. Yeah. There you go. Bringing it back around. We don't need McKee. Nope. We don't need McKee. Well, this was like the most successful Harold of all time.

That's what Robert McKee calls the prestige. Yeah. Well, Ben, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you. It's been a joy. This is my first podcast. It's very exciting. You handled yourself really well. I would have thought this was your third podcast. Oh, wow. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Besides that fancy shaving store in Pasadena that you like to go to. Yes. Which I'll have to stop by on my way back from my therapist's office. Okay. Where else can people find you? Are you on the Twitters? No. I mean, yes.

I have an account. I don't do any of that stuff. I'm too lazy. I don't know what to say. I mean, stories about your time on the set. Sure, yeah. It seems like you've got a wealth of material. I will say, if you're a friend of mine on Facebook,

I will be saying that I did this podcast on Facebook. That's, okay. And asking you to listen. But I don't really Twitter or do any of the other stuff. Do you think you could get, like, I don't know, John Gabrus or something to listen? Oh, that's great. As a matter of fact, I can. What podcast celebrities can we get into the mix here?

John Gabrus will. He will listen. Andy Daly. Oh, I would love it if Andy Daly would listen. Andy Daly and John Ross Bally and I were in a sketch group in college. Wow. Oh, my God. That's a dream.

Yeah, right? Can you believe it? And then I realized I was shitty as a performer. We were just in a sketch group with Jim. Yeah, our friend Jim was in a sketch group with us. He didn't become Andy Daly. He's some kind of microscope scientist now. That's pretty cool, though.

Yeah, Jim's pretty cool. Jim's a great guy. But people can basically just go to Amazon, Little Big Awesome, the 27th. It is very, very funny. The pilot is up there as we speak. Don't watch the pilot. Wait until the 27th. Okay.

Our friend Lauren has a sausage restaurant in Austin. Lauren Labkiss? No. Oh, wait a second. Lauren Pasternak. This is unfortunate. Listen, the sad part about our sketch group is we're the most successful member. No, actually, Jim and Lauren are more successful than us.

Never mind. Not in showbiz, but just in life, they're doing better. What was the name of your sketch group? Prank the Dean. Oh. Pretty, you know, it's an embarrassing

college comedy group name, but not the most embarrassing. Yeah, it's all right. It's not, you know, dishwasher dildo captain. We were the nothing special at Ithaca College. Yeah.

We had a TV show on the Ithaca Television Network. Wow. Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah, and people from that went on to... God to god you must and no wonder you resented the state i really did because we kind of graduated near the same it's not like there was a it's not like there was an improv group from uc irvine making it big at the time right yeah but who really got screwed is Andy Daly and this guy, Andrew Secunda. Yeah.

Sure. Who's a UCB guy and an executive producer on the Goldbergs now. But they got to New York. Also been on this show. Oh, there you go. So they got to New York and were doing sketches and stuff in their own shows. And they kept sort of uh picked over for the state people um and they like you know they legit had a shot not like me but uh i don't know and then

it just wasn't their time they're doing all right they're doing all right now if youtube had been around i think when they were doing their sketch stuff they would have had yeah a show on mtv where they didn't get paid we still get to what? We still get to enjoy Andy Daly. You do. We still get to enjoy the Goldbergs as executive produced by Andy Secunda. That is true. Also, somebody else is going to be in our secret project next week. Andy Secunda?

Yeah. Every time I see Andy Daly's television commercials, he is the spokesperson for a brand of car dealer. That is true. Or hear his radio commercials, which run on every baseball broadcast that I listen to. I just think like, yeah, Andy Daly. Getting paid. Yeah. Even in college, you were like, Jesusesus this guy is ridiculous and and you start

to realize like what the term comedian's comedian means sure uh i don't it's it's like you only you almost have to like have been schooled in comedy to realize how great we're sort of like shut-ins comedian yeah if you've never been to a comedy show you love this Exactly. You're a dumb person's idea of what a comedian is. Yeah. I'll take it. Yeah. Like president... Never mind. I don't want to get political. I won't get political. Thank you. This is not a political show. This is not a political thing. Apolitical. Yes.

I mean, to be fair. Oh, boy. We don't like to get political here, but once in a while... Yeah. In Washington, D.C. Oh, boy. This is a running thing. Under the Capitol Dome.

Yeah. Okay. You can just. There's a set of nose-honking clowns. Okay. That's a voice. That's a running thing. For whom I have nothing but contempt.

My contempt bubbles up from me like the bubbles in their seltzer bottles. These clown lads and clown lassies driving tiny cars and riding the flying trapeze of legislation. Are you saying it's a circus over there? Make me feel sick. Like I ate too many peanuts of a certain kind. Yeah, yeah, okay. Nancy Pelosi, fuck you. Too specific.

General contempt for the clowns. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He's the one you hear laughing through the wall. Always nice to have Sonny D. there. You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter and join us on Facebook where you can like JordanJesseGo. You can also join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. The only nice Reddit ever.

Yeah, it's a very nice Reddit. I bet there's a mean, like, Pictures of Bunnies Reddit. Reddit. Might be. But the MaxFun Reddit's always great. Yeah. A lot of fun there. And our thanks again to everybody who supported us in the MaxFun Drive. If you haven't listened since then, we're so grateful to you and thank A lot of fun there. And our thanks again to everybody who supported us in the MaxFunDrive. If you haven't listened since then, we're so grateful to you and thank you so much.

We tip our caps to you for making this show possible. And thanks to everybody who tweeted about the show, said hello. And, hey, how about this? Jordan. Yeah. This is the week. Apple Podcasts. Oh, yeah.

You have to write a review. Get in there. Write a review. Apple Podcasts. Get in there. Review Jordan, Jesse, review. Get in there. Write a review. Apple Podcasts. Get in there. Review Jordan, Jesse, go. And don't, here's the one thing I ask, don't ironically give it less than five stars. Yeah. You know, once in a while somebody will be like, well, I got to give it three stars because

and then it's a joke reason. Sure. That hurts us. Yeah, that makes us feel bad. Don't do that. It hurts our numbers too. Yeah. Okay.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Bye. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.