Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 530: Burger Cuck with Bill Corbett

Episode Date: May 8, 2018

Bill Corbett joins the guys as Jordan recovers from shrimp overload after eating a delicious and giant shrimp po' boy sandwich for lunch and they get into the positive effect of Guy Fieri, the non-Halloween recreational usage of dry ice, and a Jesse explains how his family is handling "holiday monsters" like the Tooth Fairy and Santa.  Plus, everyone goes deep on a shrimp hypothetical and Dr. Anus comes around to put a camera up everyone's butt. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris full of shrimp! Oh, wow! God, I'm full of shrimp. Oh, can you tell me what happened, my friend? Well, I ate too many shrimp.

Okay. It's a bad story. Oh, goodness gracious. Sorry, there's not many shrimp. Okay. It's a bad story. Oh, goodness gracious. Sorry, there's not a better story there. Was it an unlimited situation? No, it was a limited number. Did you get caught up in the- But that number was high.

In the classic value conundrum. Sure. Which is I've paid this much for unlimited shrimp. Right. I'm going to take this whole fucking red lobster down. So you ordered shrimp. I ordered, yeah. I had shrimp.

Okay. So a rare lunch. I ordered, yeah. I had shrimp. Okay, so a rare lunchtime record for us. Yeah. Or after lunchtime record. Midday record. Usually we're evening recorders. We're usually evening recorders, but sometimes- That's why we're so punchy. Sure.

Sometimes you get a guest who has an afternoon free, and you say, fuck it, we're going to record in the afternoon. If we record after five o'clock, you know we're going to be in our cups. Exactly. Once cocktail hour comes around. Right, exactly. It might tip over into late night material. Oh, yeah.

You got it. After dark. You know what I'm saying. Today we're keeping it after school. Yeah, exactly. It's going to be a lot of lessons. I'm going to do PCP for the first time and jump out the window. The basics.

The basics. So, you know, I was on my way over here running a little early. I'm like, I can stop for lunch. I should have lunch. I'll be better on mic. Oh, absolutely. Certainly not good, but. Yeah.

But better than me. Better. Yeah. Good, but better than me. Better. Yeah. And this restaurant opened up that I had been hearing about called Little Jewel of New Orleans. Oh, yeah. That's a really good restaurant.

One of my favorite foods that you cannot get anywhere around here is the shrimp po' boy. Right. This is a French roll stuffed with cornmeal-y fried shrimp, lettuce, pickles. I say no tomatoes. I don't like tomatoes. A little bit of mayo. Heaven if you get it right, but few can. Yeah, well, especially with the passing of celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme.

Sure, yes. Yes, a humble, respected Zatarain's to him up in heaven. Zatarain's, Paul. Zatarain's, Paul. And I've heard, I kept hearing from the foodie set that this place could do it. Yeah. I was skeptical. I got one of these sandwiches.

This is a $15 sandwich. Right. It is as long as your arm. Yes. I'm like, I'll have a half of this. Yeah. I'll wrap the other half up, take it home, throw it in the lake. I don't know.

Right. I'm going to try this thing. Yeah. Fuck, it was so good. I just ate it. I just put that thing away, and I am so full of shrimp. Here's how full of shrimp I am. Yes.

Jesse, I'm full of shrimp. Yeah. How shrimp are you? Thank you for asking. I am planning on going swimming later. Uh-huh. And I'm worried that in the water I will take on shrimp-like qualities. I'm worried I will develop an exoskeleton. Right.

I don't need that. Eyestalks. You don't currently swim by scrunching yourself up, then extending yourself? Not now, but who knows? Got it. Jesse, I mean... Can I tell you this, Jordan? Should we welcome in this guest that was so hot that we couldn't wait for the evening?

Yeah. You know him from Riff Tracks. Bill Corbett. Hey, guys. I am not full of shellfish right now, but I'm a little jealous of you, Jordan. I'm not. Listen, this fucking sandwich was so good. But I am miserable right now.

Oh, yeah. I'm so shrimpy. This restaurant. You do look like you have more than your usual amount of iodine in you. Yes. I feel like I have a poop vein running up my spine. You actually, now that you mention it, are turning pink like a flamingo. Yeah.

Yeah. Guys, if, I mean, I mean, you guys are married. You don't know this. Dayton's hard out there. Now I've got an exoskeleton. I don't know. People are into that. Yeah, I mean.

Are you suggesting that there's an exoskeleton fetishist out there? There is, yeah. I think you need a distinguishing characteristic on your, what's that thing called? Where you flick through the... Oh, yeah, sure, your Tinder profile. Yeah, your Tinder profile. You're going to need something that sets you apart from the package. Select all exoskeleton checkbox.

There you go. Only you is there. Right. Only you. Shaved, comma, exoskeleton, comma, There you go. Only you is there. Right. Only you. Shaved, exoskeleton, no drama. Loves hikes. I have been to that restaurant that you refer to, which is in Chinatown here in Los Angeles. And they have a set of sandwiches called the Parish Fair Sandwiches, separate from the Po' Boys.

These are $9 sandwiches, not $15 sandwiches. And they're supposed to be a small serving for one person. And I have never not eaten the whole thing, and I have never not made myself sick because of how much I ate. And you had $6 more worth of sandwich. I had $6 more of sandwich. And I'm here eating cochon de lait. I'm here eating stewed pork, and you're over there eating them shrimps.

I'm so full of shrimp. Bill, what's your favorite giant sandwich? Your favorite giant sandwich? Dagwood. Let's talk. Well, I did have a Dagwood sandwich at the airport the other day. We're coming to L.A. that I regretted mightily. It was full of – it looked pretty good,

but it had a lot of unidentified salami-like stuff on it that started to sit really bad in the plane. So I don't know what I would grow from that, like a pig snout or a... Are there people out there who can identify and know the differences between the groups of salami-like foods. My wife can.

She's a cheesemonger. She has a side in salami and charcuterie. So she can – yeah. I genuinely – I know that pepperoni goes on pizza and salami goes in sandwiches. But if you said to me right now, what's the difference between pepperoni and salami goes in sandwiches. But if you said to me right now, what's the difference between pepperoni and salami, I would say, oh, well, pepperoni goes on pizza and salami goes in sandwiches. Yeah.

That's all I've got. It's sort of a logical conundrum you get yourself caught in. Yeah. Well, it's a square, a parallelogram. Philosophical. Sure. Yeah, no way out situation. A Schrodinger's cat.

Schrodinger's toppings. Yeah. Right. Yeah, right. There's a category of meat that is pink meat with little white dots. And there are ten kinds of meat in that – under that ten. I am using salami pretty generically. It could have been something like a capicola or gabagool, as they say on The Sopranos.

Yeah. Or any number of other Italianate ham thing. New York seltzer. Hey. Hey, a New York seltzer. I was. It's a donut. No, donuts are everywhere.

Oh, yeah. You need a real Jersey donut over here. It's a sandwich. It means sandwich? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we It's a sandwich. It means sandwich? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we call it a sandwich. I had to stop watching The Deuce because there was too much of that. I kind of like this, but I'm out.

Right, right. Too much of this. I flew to the Grand Canyon recently, and while I ordinarily don't like to brag, I'll take this opportunity to say that I flew American Airlines out of Burbank. Little Mr. Fancy. Yeah. Burbank. Looks like there's a new Bob Hope in town.

Now that the other one is dead. And they took his name off of the Burbank airport recently. Yeah, they did. Oh, no. It used to be called the Burbank Bob Hope Airport. Now it's just of the Burbank Airport recently. Yeah, they did. Oh, no. It used to be called the Burbank Bob Hope Airport. Now it's just called the Burbank Airport. Oh, wow. So, yeah, there are no defenders of Bob's name.

I guess not. There weren't a little community group that got up in arms about it? What happened is the people who remembered him before 1960 are dead now. Yeah. Now all of the rest of us remember a special that confused us as a child. Right, right. It seemed terrible. We couldn't figure out why people liked it.

He put on a wig and pretended to be a hippie or something. Everything wrong. I think actually now, I think what they're doing is they're in a transitional period. And I think, you know, now I think you kind of got it right there, Jesse, is that, you know, just Bob Hope's legacy is waning as fewer and fewer people remember him. So I think now it's going to be Burbank, the rock airport. I just assumed you were going to say like the Burbank Bob Hope Invitational Golf Classic Airport. Oh, nice. Because that's what people have the most.

So I know that you know this, Jordan, but I don't know if our listeners know this. We may have mentioned this in the past on the show, but for your benefit, Bill. Yeah. You know, Burbank is a small sort of regional airport. Oh, I've flown through there. A lovely place to fly from. Wonderful airport. God, I love going to the airport.

Sometimes I just go to hang around. That's why I'm here in town. Good pandex. I flew to LAX to go to hang out at the Burbank. out. Good pandex. I flew to LAX to go to hang out at the Burbank. So for years one of the only problems with the Burbank airport was

that the food situation was a real challenge. So if you were flying at lunchtime and you needed to eat a meal, which is my situation. Several pounds of shrimp. Exactly. Oh, I'm so full of shrimp. Don't exactly. Oh, I'm so full of shrimp.

Don't remind me. Your choices were limited basically to those. That's my new catchphrase, by the way. I'm so full of shrimp. Don't remind me. So basically your choices were those kind of cellophane-wrapped refrigerator case sandwiches. Is this what you, is this your mystery salami? Yeah, super cold, too. It's like nobody needs a sandwich.

They have rights. Yeah. They're very cold. I get the storage needs for it, but it's icky? Super cold, too. It's like nobody needs to sandwich it. They're very – they have rights. Yeah. They're very cold. I get the storage needs for it, but it's – go ahead, Jesse. Probably because they're also very old anyway. Cold and old. Cold and old. Guy Fieri.

I don't know. I would presume that he didn't do this personally, but that someone did it on his behalf. But Guy Fieri has taken over all of the concessions at the Burbank airport. So your choices are between three or four Guy Fieri outlets. Oh, wow. Of slightly different types. They're all basically horsey sauce vendors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is, as we discovered, aioli basically, right? Yeah. It's entirely. It's just mayonnaise mixed with a little something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like- Which is, as we discovered, aioli basically, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's entirely, it's just mayonnaise mixed with a little something. Yeah. And I- From Guy's body. Right.

He excretes it. I was very hungry. They hook him up to a tube while he sleeps and he just loses- And had to eat a meal because if I skip a meal, Bill, you and I were talking about this on my walk here, I get terrible migraine headaches. And if I skip a meal, Bill, you and I were talking about this on my walk here, I get terrible migraine headaches. And if I skip a meal, I will get a migraine 100% of the time. So I have to like eat a meal when I'm at the airport if it's lunchtime. And I went to the Guy Fieri burger restaurant.

And there was a giant television playing Guy Fieri's Visit to Cuba. Mm-hmm. What? Which was so fucking weird. Oh, my God. What was crazy about it is that it was like a cultural exchange program for a man with no self-awareness of any kind who's incapable of seeing the world through other people's eyes. But I will say this for Guy Fieri. He is good at doing the thing that he does.

Sure. He is very good. So it's just him talking about American cars. Yeah. Smoking cigars. Blinding people with his shirts. Not even like salsa music in it. I guess when you have the loudest shirt in Cuba, that is an achievement.

A friend of mine opened a restaurant in Minneapolis and was one of the – Hold on. I need to give Guy Fieri some credit, too. Go right ahead. I ordered some kind of cheeseburger with onion rings and et cetera. Ass kick sauce on it. Bacon and nut kicker sauce. Sure.

It's the burger that fucks your wife. Yeah. Wow. I just want to say that when that burger fucked my wife, I really enjoyed it. You burger cuck. And I turned to the – Brian, I think we have our title for the episode. Go ahead. I turned to the guy sitting next to me and I said, I am so sorry that I'm going to eat hot food on the airplane and you'll probably smell it.

Thank you for doing that. It's lunchtime. I just have to – this was the only thing I could get. And I ate it and first of all, the man next to me was so lovely about it. What a saint.

Hey, don't worry about it at all. Yeah. That's what he said to me. Very sincere. Don't worry about it at all. I ate this burger. I fucking really, number one,

I really liked it. You went to town on it. That's first. First and foremost, number one, I really liked it. Number two, now I'm best friends with the guy next to me who was so fucking chill about this.

And I look over and he's reading this book about why global warming isn't real. Whoa! And just the heading. There's just this – there's like one of those like – you know how like a slightly large format book with black and white illustrations in it, like a for dummies sized book? It was like that. And it had an inset box in it. And the headline was just me versus Bill Nye. Whoa.

It was like, oh, no. Take that asshole down a peg. Oh, no. But you were on your way, you started saying, to the Grand Canyon? Yeah. So it wasn't a huge flight, thank God. Like you weren't going to London or something. Yeah.

I had to get on a weird tiny airplane in Phoenix. But yeah, the whole time I was just like, God, thank goodness that I decided I liked this man before he started reading that book. He was happy that you were eating beef. Yeah. You know, because it does not contribute to any bullshit global warming. Sure. Yeah. I don't care about American cars from the 50s.

I don't care about cigars. But I do love a good burger. Yeah. Salt that. 25% fat. More. Yeah. I mean, I had a-

Half and half. I had a breakfast sandwich, or I think as Guy prefers us to say, sandwich. Yeah. Insist, we say. At that same kiosk I think when we went to San Francisco for Sketchfest and I was floored by how good it was

for airport food. That was at the sammich kiosk. No, no, this was at the burger kiosk and a sammich kiosk. This was at the burger kiosk. Was it a sammich burger or something? It was like, this was the breakfast menu. A full sandwich encased in a burger.

Salmon cheese sandwich on top of a burger. In between two buns. Melted cheese all over the whole damn thing. Bill, you were saying you have a- Oh, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to sort of reiterate that Guy Fieri has a good side to him because my friend had not a struggling pizza, but pretty unknown. And she's Korean American and her take on pizza, she just like self-taught how to make

it. And she has some Korean like spins on some of it. And she's really amazingly talented, but somehow it got on his radar, put her on the show and it just like, it made her career on some level. Now she has like four restaurants in town. Instead, he was a good guy. He was a little bit of a lummox, but he was a sweetheart. There's a restaurant that I will go to occasionally.

If I am – like it's in between my house and work. And so if I for some reason am going to work at 11 a.m., it's too far away to go to for lunch, but I can stop there to pick up lunch on my way to eat it at the office. And it's called East Side Deli in the east side of Los Angeles. And it is the kind of restaurant where no matter when you go in there, there are three firemen and three policemen in uniform waiting in line. And it is the Guy Fieri-est of restaurants. And there's a giant Guy Fieri thing on the wall because when Guy Fieri goes somewhere, he puts his mark on it. He lifts his leg and sprays flames all over the wall and then his face is burned

there. His hot flaming pee. You'll see a doctor guy, by the way. But it is so fucking great. It's such a great place to buy a potato salad, a meatball sandwich,

a chicken parm. Like it is just straight down the middle spectacular. They always have Bob Seger blasting. Yeah. No matter what. That like as long as you can fit into the people who want to eat a meatball sandwich, which is to say policemen and mooks of various kinds. Just glutes, guys. I'm going to get a potato salad. Yeah.

People who would yell while talking. Yeah. Yell talk. As long as you can – and look, I'm a big white dude. I can slide into that if need be. I'm capable of a passing. Then it is the greatest fucking venue in the world. And actually, it makes me think like Little Jewel of New Orleans where you ate those shrimps.

God, I ate so many shrimps. I forgot my catchphrase. I ate so many. Like, it's a little bit too, like, contemporary foodie. While it is a very unpretentious presentation, it's a little too self-consciously foodie. But it's the same thing where, like, not only will I eat that whole sandwich, but I will order banana pudding. And I will eat. I love banana pudding. The banana pudding comes in, like, the size of a small pancake plastic container. That's the thing about banana pudding comes in like the size of a small pancake plastic container.

That's the thing about banana pudding. It's better when it's been sitting there a little bit. Yeah. It should be sitting there a little bit. A little bit of skin. Yeah. Oh, it's so good. A couple of fruit flies on it.

Yeah. Ooh, you can taste the larva. Gives it that crunch. Yeah. Like it's- The larval crunch. It's one of those things like ordering a side of potato salad at a deli where I really like like straight down the middle classic American like sweet pickle relish potato salad. And I will order it when I order a sandwich.

But like that the smallest container is a thousand calories of potato salad. And the same with the with same with the banana pudding, I will fucking eat it. I will eat the whole thing. I cannot stop eating. Once I have put some of it in my mouth, even if I'm already sick from how huge my sandwich was, I'll just keep eating it. Well, my kids

like to assert that it's a whole different system for dessert. Right. It doesn't matter how much you've had. Yeah, there's a dessert pouch inside everyone. Here's what's crazy is... Untouched by a big meal or lack thereof.

What's crazy is my appendix has been removed, which, you know, they say that, the doctors say that's what appendix is for, dessert storage. But, yeah, there you go.

I don't know. Yeah. I have a third dessert testicle. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. We've got two sponsors on this week's Jordan, Jesse Go.

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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Remember, when a problem comes along, you must zip it. We're also brought to you this week by This Sounds Serious, a brand new podcast from CastBox. This show was produced in part by our friend Dave Shumka from Stop Podcasting Yourself. It is a very funny serialized fictional murder story full of wild twists and turns with twins and cults and a Florida weatherman. Twenty five minutes an episode. It's an easy listen. And if you love all those true crime narrative podcasts, you will probably love Dave's new show. This sounds serious. It also involves the folks from the CBC's This Is That.

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Take advantage of it. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll share your message with the world. If you want to advertise on Jordan Jesse Go go email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love in the Indiana Jones, you know, third Indiana Jones. Yeah. I think it's fair to characterize Bill as your joke dad. Sure.

Yeah. I'll take it. I mean, I remember the volume of Mystery Science Theater 3000, just the sheer physical volume of Mystery Science Theater 3000 video cassettes that were in your college dorm room. Yes. I definitely – that was a big part of what was taking up space in my college dorm were all of my VHS dubs of Mystery Science Theater that I brought to college from home because I could not bear to be without them. Do you remember that one kid on our hall who had the state's book? Like the state's like out of print. Oh, yeah.

Sure. State by state with the state. That was like the holy – like he would like lend that out like only if you had really fucking buttered him up. You had to check it out. You had to sign it out. Yeah. You had to leave your driver's license. Listen, kid, this is back before you could get anything on the internet.

You had to look for it. Physical copies. It was like getting a foosball at the Boys and Girls Club. Right, exactly. In order to get the foosball. If you want a cue ball for bumper pool, you've got to leave your hat, your keys, 50 cents deposit, and your ID. Yeah. One of your socks.

Yeah. It's a whole set of footwear. Just one footwear. And I've got one sock, but I have my own foosball now. Yeah. It's best, honestly, like it's best if you give them your left sock and your right shoe. Yeah. It balances out a little bit.

You beat the system, Jordan. Yeah. Yeah. I need a free foosball. So, Jordan, something that we have been talking about recently on the show, something that we really believe in, that is sort of one of our core principles, And we talk about principles a lot on this show. We really, we really, we try and lead with our hearts on Jordan, Jesse, and Colin. And one of the things that we really believe in besides kindness and democracy, in addition

to kindness and democracy and heart as a rock, wind as a river, is without a base, without a trace. The last thing that we want to have happen to our listeners is for them to lose foreign objects inside of themselves. Oh, yeah. Yep. And so we really are strong advocates for a flared base in all matters, literal and metaphorical. And in the pursuit of that ideal, I think it's fair to call it an ideal. I mean it's something that we – Noble as fucking hell.

Yeah. It's something that we strive for. Yeah. It's not always a standard that we meet, but it's something that we do our best every day to pursue. North Star for you guys. Yeah, exactly. Also, if you've got a checklist, without a base, without a trace, but also lube it up. I don't know.

There's not a rhyme for it there. Right. You know. Right. That's mainly for your comfort, though. Right. Without a base, without a trace, it's really a safety issue. And so, in the pursuit of that ideal, we have asked Jordan Jesse Go listeners around

the country and indeed around the world, Bill. Wow. From, we're looking at you, Dominican Republic. Where are you at, Mozambique? Hey, Chad, what's up your ass? Sri Lanka, what do I see up there? Chad the country and the guy. Yeah, we got a call from Chad from Chad. Not a lot of Chad's in Chad.

Not a lot. There's the one and he called. Hey, dudes. Chad. Oh, man. From Chad. Waves are sweet. I don't know if this country's landlocked.

Anyway, I was at the marketplace this week. Dude, hanging on my spinning wheel all week. Oh, my God. It sucked. Oh, dude. So we've asked our listeners around the country and around the world to call in and share with us what, as a cautionary tale, what they have lost in their bodies and what they have lost in the bodies of others. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And we include all types of potential – Orifices? Is that what you're getting at? I was going to say maybe invaders or penetrators. Sure. Yeah. Be they – Accessories?

Yeah. Such as surgical doctors or surgeons as they're known. Sure. Yeah, such as surgical doctors or surgeons, as they're known. Sure. My mouth kind of hurts because I went to one of those dental doctors. You know, the dental doctors, the ones that operate on your teeth. Jordan, orthodontist. Orthodontist, excuse me.

So we've taken some telephone calls. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Go. This is Ike from Cleveland. Calling in about the action item about getting something stuck or lost in your body. I hope I'm not too late. About 10 years ago in 11th grade, a peer of mine decided it would be a good idea to jab a very sharp pencil into my hand. When he did so, the tip snapped off and is now permanently lodged in my middle knuckle of my middle finger.

And now every time I look down at it, all I can think of is, man, what an asshole. Well, thanks. Love the show. Bye. Yeah, it's awful to have a physical reminder of your high school bully just implanted in you. It would be great, though, if, and he didn't clarify whether this is possible or not, if he can extend and retract it. Sure. Because then he would be like a writing or note-taking Wolverine.

Yeah. He's basically a pencil cyborg. Yeah. Yeah. Need to write down an address, bub? My wife definitely, like, had, like, a rock in her knee from when she was, like, seven until she was, like, 21, and then it came out.

I don't understand the trouble with getting, like, that pencil thing out. They didn't have to go in through his left ventricle or like just – Yeah, right. It's in the hand. It seems like that is something you could – No, you're stuck with it forever. We send the camera in through his anus.

We follow the alimentary canal through to the underarm. Honey, why did you go to this German doctor that's obsessed with cameras in the anus? It's nowhere near my anus. I'm not obsessed. It's a casual interest. Yeah, but it's with my hand. I don't know. Do not worry.

The camera has the flared base. There's no holes in your hand, sir. But there is one upon your butt. The anus. Yeah, the anus. Some would say it's the butt itself. Some might call it. It's a very definition of butt.

That is a theory. That is a viable theory. We have a complex compound word to describe this. This struck me as a dumb thing that I believed as a kid when I was thinking about this. We would always talk about not jabbing people with pencils, not because it was cruel, but because you would get lead poisoning. Yeah. Anyway. That seemed to be the missing piece here.

My father stabbed his brother with a pencil when they were children, then realized that his brother was going to die of lead poisoning and cried. Now, that can't happen, right? No, because it's graphite inside a pencil. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, that was a scare tactic. Kids, hey, if you're listening out there, don't believe all this higgledy-piggledy about lead poisoning.

But still don't stab each other. Stab away. Oh, sorry. We came to a different conclusion. Don't worry. My vote would be the tiebreaker. Anus doctor. I think it's amazing.

I presume that pencil lead is called lead because at some point it was lead and not graphite. That sounds about right. It's amazing that in the early days of learning to write, but when it was a privilege to learn to write, But when it was a privilege to learn to write, the same thing that you were using to learn to write was also delaying your mental development. Sure. And the materials in your hat were driving you crazy. Right. There was no way to – you just drank a big Coke to escape and you had cocaine suddenly. Yeah, sure.

In the 19th century and earlier, there were a lot of really interesting sources of madness. Right. Like you hardly ever meet someone who's syphilitic, syphilitically mad anymore. But, you know, 1875, you're walking down the street, you're going to see three syphilitic mad men on the way. And I think also, I think it is also worth mentioning that in addition to more

casually mad people walking around, more people were also drunk. So just like, you just drank alcohol because it was safer than water. So it's maybe hard to tell the people who were crazy from hat disease versus the people who were just casually drunk. And another category, and there might have been some crossovers, people who got kicked in the head by a horse. Right.

Yes. Right. Which was just always happening. Yeah. That's another tough thing. Yeah. Then you get to the hat trick of like syphilitic madness, alcoholic, kicked in the head with a horse. Right.

And, you know, they become president. Plus people who are driven insane by hunger and see everyone around them as looking like a fully dressed turkey. I think you're confusing people from the 1800s and Daffy Duck. The guys that Bugs Bunny was on the island with. Right. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Sorry. A Bugs Bunny was on the island with. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. Okay, sorry.

A fine fat goose. A fine fat goose, sure. Okay, let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. My name's Dan, and I'm calling starting. I think I got it. So when I was a kid, my dad used to occasionally, like an activity we would do, he would just buy us a bunch of dry ice and we would just play with it, unsupervised, for hours and hours at a time.

And one of the things we would do is I would take a little piece of it and put it in my mouth and shake it around and blow out smoke like I was smoking. So one time I think I accidentally swallowed a piece about the size of a dime, and it got stuck inside my throat for, like, several minutes. And I went to burp up all things of smoke, and it would hurt really bad. But I couldn't tell my parents about it because they'd never let us play with giant again. So I just kind of wrote it out, and then I had a short throat for about a week, and that's pretty much it. I don't think I've ever told them that that happened. Thanks, guys. Bye.

Bye. I mean, the most interesting thing about this call is that I think maybe his parents listened to Jordan Chessie Go. Yeah. This is when he finally revealed to them through the intergenerational medium of Jordan Chessie Go. Yep. Yep. It's America's meeting place. Right.

Used to be Starbucks. Now it's here on this podcast. Yeah. I don't – we said this before. We don't recommend that children listen to this show. Right this podcast. Yeah, I don't – we said this before. We don't recommend that children listen to this show. Right. But also parents, I don't think. We have not been adamant enough that parents not listen.

Yeah. There's a cohort of about two years of like single people, maybe like 27 to 28 years old. Yeah, that's the spot. You can listen. No one else. Jack off a lot. Yeah, jack it off. Listen to this show. That's your – spot. You can listen. No one else. Jack off a lot. Yeah, jack it off. Listen to the show.

Yeah, there you go. And I want to be clear. When we say that the people in that little age range can listen to the show, that's not a recommendation that you listen to the show. It's really just permission that if you feel compelled to listen to the show, it's probably – it's not inappropriate for you to do so. It will harm you less than the other cohorts. Exactly. We really try and follow a harm mitigation model of podcasting. So let's say you're addicted to a more harmful podcast.

Joe Rogan, for example. Yes. Harmful podcast. Joe Rogan, for example. Yes. Then in that case, listening to our show, if you're in that window, will soak up that time that you otherwise would have spent learning about why the moon doesn't exist. Right. And it will also kind of – it will also, you know, hurt you less.

Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'm showing off a little – in terms of this guy's call. Yeah. Maybe I'm showing off a little privilege here. I thought you were about to say maybe I'm showing off a little, but I can prove why the moon just exists. Right. Because it won't return my calls. And I hosted Fear Factor.

Thank you. Yeah. Oh, wait. That was Joe Rogan. I was on news radio, though. That was Andy Dick. Oh, that was. You're thinking of Andy Dick.

Getting yourself confused with the cast of news radio. Very common. Yeah. It happens. Yeah. In my old age. It's true, Dave Foley. Master of the slow burn.

John Lovitz, the master of John Lovitzing. Sure, of being John Lovitzing. To be fair, no one's better. I'm not that good at it. No one has ever even been half as good. No. Yeah. What are the non-Halloween uses of dry ice?

Oh, wow. Stagecraft. Okay. Related to Halloween. Usually spooky, but you know, metal bands and- Oh, sure. Right. Yeah.

Cool middle school teacher. Yeah. The community theater production of A Christmas Carol. Oh, sure. Bright Macbeth needs some dry ice. Yeah, yeah. Double Double Toil and Trouble and all that. Shipping premium meats. Okay. Yeah. Like, let's say Macbeth needs some dry ice. Yeah, yeah. Double, double toil and trouble and all that. Shipping premium meats.

Okay. Yeah. Like, let's say I got a nice mortadelle. Sure. That I ordered from your wife. Sure, Bill. A nice sandy dick. I needed the dry ice.

Everybody sounds like Mario when they're in the meat world. Yeah, that's another central use of dry ice, I think. Shipping. Yeah, because I guess I – when I was thinking about this guy casually playing with dry ice, I'm like, evidence of a phenomenon that I did not know existed, which is a cool science teacher gone bad. So this guy's dad obviously was a cool science teacher. That's how he had the dry ice on hand. But everyone knows that there's nothing cool science teachers love more than safety goggles. Uh-huh.

Sure. Big rubber gloves. They're really in the game for that. Like, who else do you see wearing a lab coat? Don't talk to me about pharmacists. I will not. Do not, because it's a whole thing. Well, I see a lot of people wearing lab coats, but on the weekends I go to a lot of monster

matches. But, like, if you've known, I mean, I'm sure, did you ever have a cool science teacher, Jordan? Yeah. I'm trying to remember what the coolest, I can remember, God, I can remember his face and I can remember how cool he was. Yeah. Mr. Stender?

Yeah, that sounds right. Anyway. Oh, yeah. My middle school- That guy's cool. Yeah. Stender's cool. My middle school science teacher, Lori, was very much like this.

And a cool science class is a place you go to see things explode, shoot across the room, have danger, where you otherwise might have to worry about learning about science. Sure. Right. Sure. Right. Do you guys' high schools or whatever have a cool photography teacher? Oh, no. No, we did have a cool science teacher, definitely. A cool biology teacher, actually. Oh, okay. Really was into dissecting stuff.

Yeah, yeah. And actually got us on board with that, squeamish as we were. But he looked like Ichabod Crane. He's like six feet seven, no weight on his body at all. Sure, pumpkin for a head. Mr. Pumpkin for a head. Came into class on a horse with a flaming sword. But no, not a photography teacher.

I had a cool acting teacher. Not my main acting teacher, but a guest artist who was very compelling. Ended up doing something inappropriate with a student. Oh, dear. And I had a cool literature teacher. Now, my cool literature teacher was, I think, probably to some extent a general case, but also a particular to San Francisco, which is to say he was a student teacher. He had recently graduated with a degree in women's studies and was a black leather jacket bear

who was really into Love and Rockets. Okay, sure. And showing us Carrie. Okay. He was like a classic 1995 women's studies stuff that he was into, the Shirelles, Will He Love Me Tomorrow? Yeah. And he was very cool. His name was Mr. Crawford, Philip Crawford.

Obviously listening now. I don't know where Mr. Crawford is, but he was a good dude, and he didn't care that I did not care about school at all. He was fine with that and just glad to have me there. Yeah. It was very nice of him. Never broke out the dry ice? No. He was super chill about it, and he'd just be like, hey, why don't you check out Linda Barry, man?

Sure. Here, have a mouthful of dry ice. Keep some in my desk. Exactly. But this was recreational dry ice. Keep some in my desk. Exactly. But this was recreational dry ice. Yeah. This sounds like just like casual for fun dry ice. I mean, I-

Never heard of that phenomenon before. Like mom and dad just get a shitload of dry ice for the kids to play with. I'm about there with my oldest. Yeah. My oldest daughter fancies herself to be an inventor, which has a very expansive definition in her opinion. Are you worried that she'll get into monster mashing? Yes. She starts sneaking out at night to go to mashes?

Well, I don't want – as long as she doesn't bring a wolfman home. Okay. You know what I mean? I do not like wolfmen. I don't think – I think they're out here taking our jobs. Boy, open your mind, man. Wow. Pretty small-minded of you.

Jesus. My daughter loves inventing, which is great. I mean, it's a really cool thing for her to be into. She's into like, she has one of these, there's now these toy robots

that you can program with a Kindle or whatever that really are made for little kids and are kind of amazing. Like, it's really a neat thing. But her inventing, we sort of realized early on that it was going to be a major part of our lives.

Like when she was like four and she decided this was what she wanted to do with her life. We're like, okay, we got to figure out how to, like, our kid isn't exactly artistic, but there's going to be a lot of projects. And what we did was we just started buying our children enormous rolls of painter's tape. Oh, okay. Because painter's tape comes off of anything. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And satisfied her need to attach things to other things yep but you haven't you haven't tried the dry ice yet no so right now she makes basically everything out of uh construction paper and painter's tape which is great because i don't it's expressive enough for her to feel satisfied I think. What does she say she's inventing? Recently she's been cloning. Oh boy. Nicely done. She turned my four year old

Oscar into a I'm going to say a yeti crab recently. Cool. You don't need dry eyes for that. And is he human again or is he still a yeti crab recently. Cool. Yeah, you don't need dry eyes for that. And is he human again or is he still a Yeti crab? No, he's still a Yeti crab. You have a personal interest in this, right?

I think he has, sure. Being a shrimp man? As being a shrimp man, I want to interact with other human-animal hybrids. Honestly, I'm a little skeptical because there's a mythical creature thrown in there, which I'm not comfortable with personally. I would prefer that all the human- human animal hybrids be more traditional. Zoologically traditional. Yep.

He is right now still a Yeti crab, but I think he's about ready to come out of his shell. All right. And or his fur. Sure. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah, so what's nice about it is that it's satisfactory to her, but nothing that comes out of it is so, I want to say, attractive. You can throw it all away.

I feel nothing when I throw it all away. I just gather it all up. She's really mad at me while I'm doing it. I'm just gathering it all up. Just burning it in front of her, making her watch as it turns to ash. That is a hell of a lesson. Yeah. Yeah. Bill, what were your kids into when they were kids' kids?

You know, they were a little bit into that, like, robot making. But my son was just such a force of destruction that anything, any, like, kit you got him with moving parts would just be trampled pretty quickly. Hit you got him with moving parts would just be trampled pretty quickly. But, yeah, video games. You know, my son's gone straight gamer on me. Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

I don't know if I'm ever going to get him back. He sounds like a pretty cool dude. A lot of messy art projects. He's probably good at Fortnite. He's probably too good at Fortnite anyway. He is playing Fortnite. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's digging it.

I spent – I had like an Easter lunch with some like extended family that I don't have much connection to. And I sat down with the little kids and played Fortnite and just felt like the world had left me behind. Yeah. In a good way, right? Yeah, yeah. Because the world is not good and you wanted it behind you. Yes, exactly. All right.

Yeah, yeah. I was looking at The Ringer the other day, which is a popular pop culture and sports website. And I was reading an article by Ben Lindberg, who's one of the baseball writers there and the host of a podcast I enjoy called Effectively Wild. And I read about overcast. called jump diving or dive something, like a controversial strategy in the world of not overcast. What's it called? So there's Fortnite and there's Overwatch.

Overwatch. Overwatch. And the competitive Overwatch has this thing called jump diving or something at Gas Station TV. If you know exactly what I'm talking about, please let them know. But I read, I'm going to say, eight paragraphs. And I said to myself, why am I reading this? I hate this. I say that about reading in general.

What am I doing? I could be playing a video game. Like, I can just let this part of me die. It's not necessary anymore. Like, when I was 22, sure, I had to know something about how to play all the different types of video game. Right now, no. That can wither and die. It's fine.

I tried to play a little bit of Overwatch. I had to. Not had to. Got to. little bit of Overwatch. I had to, not had to, got to help our buddy Chris Hardwick write some jokes because

he was hosting BlizzCon, which is a convention for people who like the Blizzard family video game. It's a spin-off of JizzCon, right? Sure, yes. Same convention center. Things get confusing. I actually, every year, I'm in St. Louis at FizzCon.

I enjoy hyphy rap. Oh, sure. I'm fizzing. And so I got myself an Overwatch and played a little bit of it and thought it was fun. It's one of those things, it's an online game, so I just immediately am killed immediately because I'm, you know, yeah, old and dying and on my way to the grave. Insulted by a 13 year old as you're dying. You know, I do not have any kind of headset hooked up to it. So I imagine that I'm being called all manner of slur. Yeah.

So I can just I sometimes have a, you know, kind of a straw man in my head calling me things. Provided yourself, yep Yeah, right, exactly. It's sort of like the dog tells the serial killer to commit murders. Sure. Bug is sitting there just calling you various slurs. Sure, yes, exactly Bug is my cat and yes, she speaks to me sometimes and calls me names

Anyway, I should go to the hospital See ya I'm afraid she'll eat me now that I'm a shrimp man. I don't want to go home. I'm going to get eaten in my sleep. But that's how I want to go, though. Eaten by my own cat. It's a good death.

Yeah. It's a perfect example of the circle of life. Anyway, so I played a little bit of Overwatch. Do you remember this song from The Lion King, by the way? The circle of life, eaten by your own. Because you are a shrimp. What did you expect? Elton John and Tim Rice.

Tim Rice is really the special, because Elton John's moving melodies, but those lyrics. Those lyrics. The wit. The insight. Shrimp and rice. The perspective on the human condition. And as moving as they are funny. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I'm a rocket man, because you know I just ate too much shrimp. God, that is my favorite song from Goodbye Yellow Brick Shrimp. Sure, yeah. Anyway, send us your Elton John shrimp parodies. Yellow Shrimp Road? Yeah, sure. This is starting to sound like at midnight, like hashtag.

Yeah, no, you're right. Benny and the shrimp. Goodbye Yellow Brick Shrimp. We will not tolerate your at midnight satire here, Bill, who was a wonderful employer for many years. I won the show once. That's true. That's true. Because Chris let me cheat.

To be fair, the show was that dumb. It was Elton John shrimp. No, that wasn't the shrimp. It was like the Twitter participants. Right. Yes. Make a joke about shrimp. Just put shrimp in something. Yeah. One was like the Twitter participants. Right. Yes. Make a joke about shrimp. Just like –

Just put shrimp in something. Yeah. One-to-one substitute of word. Oh, and the Overwatch characters all have a cool, very cool design. They're neat-looking characters but just made me uncomfortable because they were 15% too porny. Right. And I – That is very precise. Because they were 15% too porny. Right. That is very precise.

And I am a man who has a high tolerance for like a Japanese action game. Right. You grew up passionately loving Street Fighter 2, which is not insignificantly porny. Sure, yeah. And it is, oh boy, the latest iterations of Street Fighter are uncomfortable. Yes. I'm like, oh boy, these tits really crept up in this thing. I thought since the 90s there weren't big video game problem tit creep. Yeah, sure.

They only go one direction. Yeah, sure, yeah. Anyway, but yeah, so I stopped playing Overwatch for two reasons. One, because I was not any good at it and it made me feel bad like a failure uh but yeah it also made me feel a little bit like just sticky like there was a sexual film on me at all times like you were at jizz con like i was yes exactly like my last trip to jizz con yeah i can understand that entirely jordan i was just i just didn't know any of the words. Sure. I was looking at a lot of words that I did not recognize. Right.

Mercy. Camping. Hanzo. True love. True love. Well, you'll find out about that soon enough when you meet Christ. Anyway. Has the podcast gone in that direction?

It has. It's very religious now. We talk about Jizz God for 20 minutes. Wow. That's a sneaky punch. And it's been a while since you've been on, Bill. Yeah. We talk about Jizz God for 20 minutes. Wow. That's a sneaky punch. And it's been a while since you've been on, Bill. Yeah. We try to bring it back to him, capital H.

Capital H. Yeah. Can you feel the shrimp tonight? Oh, my God. No one shrimps like Gaston. No one shrimps like Gaston. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A shrimp thing that's nobody's shrimps like Gaston. Shrimp's like Gaston. A shrimp thing that's nobody's shrimp's like Gaston. That's good.

Thank you. Does shrimping have a, it must have like a filthy connotation that I don't know. God, it's gotta. Yeah, shrimping has to be something. Brian, okay, do us a favor. Play our next body call, and while it's playing, go on UrbanDictionary.com and type in shrimping. Open up a private window first. It's going to be bad.

Yeah, it's going to be very bad. Control-Shift-N. Then go ahead and type in shrimping. Big shrimping? Big shrimping. Hopped with cheese. When I was like seven years old, I had a loose cheese. When I was like seven years old, I had a loose tooth.

Maybe I was younger than that, older, I don't know. Anyway, we were at the beach. My mother and I and some other people, it was like a beach party, pizza party. I bit into a piece of pizza and then my mom had a bite of the same pizza and then I noticed that my tooth

was no longer loose because it was totally gone. And we always assumed that my mom swallowed the tooth. And, yeah, that's pretty gross. So I guess, I don't know. That's my story. Bye. That's not gross. That's beautiful.

Oh, yeah. She could have grown a whole other daughter in her from that tooth. Yeah, you've never wanted your mother to eat part of you. Some kind of weird folktale with pizza. That's how you and your mother shared powers. Right. Yeah, I was thinking like, oh, the child growing out of the tooth. That it seems like something that people who believe that like the maggots come from the meat would believe.

Right, right. Some weird Belarusian folktale where children grow from teeth. There is only one way to get the tooth back from the stomach. You order dominoes. We must draw it out of the fingers. Oh, come on, man. It's Dr. Anus again. He believes that the butt is only an in.

Right. So if you want to get something out, you have to take it out through the fingers. Yeah, it's the one and only place with double entry. Are you guys, I guess your kids are probably out of this zone, but are you guys doing tooth fairy, Jesse? Have you had to deal with lost teeth? I don't know at what age children do things. My oldest, Grace. You had to deal with lost teeth.

I don't know at what age children do things. My oldest grace. So Teresa is in what I would call the John Hodgman camp, which is John Hodgman. He's talked about this on Judge John Hodgman several times, has discussed the reality of holiday friends with his children because when his oldest first learned that Santa Claus wasn't real, it was very deeply traumatic for her. And I don't care. I don't have a strong position on it. I don't remember ever thinking that Santa Claus was real. But I do remember enjoying – I don't think – I don't know if my parents ever like said to me Santa Claus isn't real.

And I definitely was never traumatized because I don't think I ever really thought Santa Claus was real. So like it was always just a fun conceit to me. Right. And it was fun in part because my parents had never like openly said it. But that was always the understanding in my family. For Teresa, Teresa definitely really believed Santa Claus was real and it was – I think it was hard for her to deal with it. It wasn't real. She immediately extrapolated and figured out that the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny were not real.

Smart. But what's great about it is we – But this whole thing makes it easier for the Krampus to sneak up on her. Yeah. We convinced her not to talk about it with Oscar, her little brother, because we thought Oscar is four. Like he can believe that the Easter Bunny is real if he wants to. Like he can believe that the Easter Bunny is real if he wants to. But it has led to a number of kind of like she's so bad at hiding it. Some just spectacularly dumb situations where she covers it up retrospectively or retroactively very, very poorly.

But he didn't even notice when she openly said that it wasn't real that she had said it. Kids are such idiots. I know. Like a four-year-old is just the sweetest, dumbest bag of rocks. Yeah. Yeah, my four-year-old especially. Like he is just such a like, he'll just walk into a wall, you know? It's like, can I have a hug? Yeah, you can have a hug, of course.

Will you love me? Love you so much. Bill, did you guys do holiday monsters? Holiday monsters? Yeah. That's what I consider to do fair, holiday monsters. I never had a policy on it, but we had enough grandparents who would regularly cite Santa Claus that the kids got it and all the tremulous expectations therein. I don't know if your wife works at an office, but does her office around the holidays ever have any holiday mashes?

Only regarding monsters. Do you guys have a runner with monster mashes? We do this episode. It crept up so stealthily. If you're wondering whether or not this makes sense, it does not. Okay. What's great about a runner- I sort of concluded that about life, but I thought podcasts were the last remaining bastion of order.

No, it's all chaos. Yeah. Podcast, the universe. You've spent your life thinking of new jokes. Each episode of Riff Tracks requires so many jokes that you think of joke upon joke upon joke upon joke. Raw tonnage. And on Jordan, just you go. We've been doing this for 10, 12 years now, and we've really honed in on about two or three jokes per episode. Yeah. We just repeat them.

Sure. Okay. No, I get that. Phenomenal. We take little breaks. Yeah. Pepperin. Same stories a couple times a year.

Yeah. I'll talk about I grew up in San Francisco, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. I'll talk about I grew up in San Francisco, et cetera, et cetera. Jordan lifted trucks in the parking lot of his high school and going to Disneyland a lot. But you don't have a previous Monster Mash bit going on? I think we've talked about – it's something we enjoy joking about. Okay. So, yeah.

I mean, it's our top mash. Right. Easy. Although we really like those paper things that look like flowers that you open and close to find out who you're going to marry. Sure. We're cootie catchers. Right. Easy. Although we really like those paper things that look like flowers that you open and close to find out who you're going to marry. Sure. Cootie catchers. Yeah. Non-monster mashes are not worth it. No. I will not go

to a human mash. Hell no. I have several Facebook invites to human mashes and I will not go. Monster or nothing. What does mash stand for? Marry? Oh. No. I think mash so i think you're i think you're you're conflating the mash and the cootie catcher jesse okay so the so mash is like a game you play with a paper and pencil uh-huh um and you write down mash so it's mansion apartment

shack house okay so you you know there's some sort of counting mechanism to where you land on one of those. It says where you live and then you'll do a list of your potential husbands or wives.

Uh-huh. John Hamm. So yeah, I think around the time I was doing this, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was a popular option. For me,

it was a young John Hamm. Sure. A young, right. A not famous John Hamm. A teenage John Hamm. Yeah, there's a young Jon Hamm. Sure. A young, right. A not famous Jon Hamm. A teenage Jon Hamm. Yeah, there's a teenager in Mad Lewis or whatever. From the show Mad Boys.

Yeah. Little Mad Men. Mad Men babies. Yeah. So, you know, I think if you were- I thought there was too much little adultery. I felt like they leaned on that too hard on that show. Maybe if you were into ladies and playing mash, maybe Mila Jovovich was on there, and that was the one you wanted to land on.

Really? Yeah. Mad Men Babies is a great idea. It kind of is. Yeah. If only Funny or Die were still employing people. That'd be. Yeah, if only Funny or Die were employing people, and it was 10 years ago.

Sure. Mad Men Babies. That's the dream. 10 years ago. Goding people and it was 10 years ago. Sure. Mad men, baby. That's the dream, 10 years ago. God, I wish it was 10 years ago. I loved 10 years ago. So cool. What is this? You know, that's why I...

What is this, now? This bullshit of being 10 years after then. That's why I voted... It's now. Fuck you. Now. Ultimately, that's why I decided not to vote for Hillary. I wanted to make America great again, by which I mean about 2006.

Yeah. You know, when I was really in my wheelhouse, when I was out there fucking, you know. Yeah, sure. Still had my hair with all the Screamo bands. Still good. And of course, the Screamo, right? Your vehicle was Trump, you know, obviously. Sure, yeah.

We thought he would make My Chemical Romance get back together, and he hasn't! And of course, the screamo, right? Your vehicle was Trump, you know, obviously. Sure, yeah. We thought he would make My Chemical Romance get back together. And he hasn't. Forget the wall. Get My Chemical Romance back together. We're going to get My Chemical Romance back together. Dear President Trump, this is Jesse writing to you from Los Angeles. Why aren't Jay-Z and Beanie Siegel friends anymore?

Please focus on this pressing problem. Lick envelope, stamp, mailbox. Imagine, if you will, being at the start of Mad Men. Oh. President Trump. Imagine. Make it happen. Sure. When you thought the show was mostly design-centric.

Sure. You're mostly watching it for the aesthetics of the design not the character portraits and the little Twitter icons had yet to appear that was a delight yet to be foisted on the world

yes you can do that sir we had yet to madmen ourselves yeah or Iranian revolution ourselves oh boy

yeah sure so many fun icons yeah when those Iranians were living under the thumb of an evil dictator that's where it was at. That was some good shit. 2006, baby.

Yeah. The Arab whisperer. Sweet spot. Fall, baby. Fuck now. Now it's a bitch. Now we're just all too full of shrimp. We're going to take some weird shrimp crap later.

God. I have a blood vessel running down my back. It's noticeable. It's ugly. Vice President Pence, you're supposed to be the adult in the room. What are you doing about too much shrimp? Yeah, right? Is there some sort of camp I could go to?

Why aren't you limiting our shrimp intake? Sure. We Americans don't. We have too many freedoms, I think. Yeah, I think so, too. We have to gorge ourselves on shrimp on a Wednesday afternoon. Sure. We Americans don't, we have too many freedoms, I think. Yeah, I think so too. We have the freedom to gorge our shells on shrimp on a Wednesday afternoon.

Yeah. Shouldn't be. How many, okay. Bill? Yeah. Jordan. Yes. You're at a shrimp-ster on.

Mm-hmm. You know, your red lobsters. Yeah, sure. I call them rester shrimps, but you don't. Proceed. So proceed by a regional thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like the Midwest, it's the coast. Sure. I understand entirely. Like a shrimp in the wind. Candle in the shrimp. Scans better, though. Candle in the shrimp.

Daniel is leaving tonight on a shrimp. Me and Susie had so much shrimp. Now that, you nailed it. I remember when food was young. I think we just learned who wrote for at midnight. Sure. I have this savant-like power and nothing to do with it. Just mumbling punny song lyrics in my house.

It's a well-developed muscle. Sure. You're also juicing. I am also juicing. You're on steroids. Yep. I want to know, you're sitting at a shrimp restaurant. I can picture it.

You've ordered yourself a – what's your top shrimp? A scampi? No. No, that seems like supperpper Club of the 1950s. I think it's sort of in that Cajun zone. Yeah. Like there's nothing better than like blackened shrimp or something like that. Yeah, sure.

That is good. Shrimp cocktail? Not my fave. I'll have one. Okay. I'll have one, but it's not my preferred. If someone's like, I'm going to get a shrimp cocktail, do you want to split it? That's great for me.

You know what I like? When just that Costco plastic tray of shrimp is out there and you can use many of those weird suckers. Cold, rubbery shrimp. I really like them. It's the same as me. It's like whatever it is about them, whatever it is about a grocery store potato salad that I love is the same thing that I love about- Do you just eat the shrimp sort of on a darn, no dipping? I'll dip them, but I don't like the sauce.

Oh. So you're dipping them- I just dip them out of obligation. Social pressure? Yeah. What if someone's looking at me and they see me not dipping? They do have to be cold. If they're not cold, I don't like-

I like- Like airport sandwich level cold? Yeah. Like I like- God damn, that's very cold. There's a weird satisfaction for me about the fact that the shrimp are so cold. I don't like. I like. Like airport sandwich level cold? Yeah. Like I like. There's a weird satisfaction for me about the fact that the shrimp are so cold. Like why are they so cold? You get like an ice cream headache from your shrimp. But it seems right.

Okay. So here's the question. You're in a situation like that. And we're talking about chain restaurant sized shrimp. Okay. You know, smaller shrimp. Not tiny shrimp or anything. But smaller regular sized shrimp.

They're not prawns. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. but smaller regular size shrimp. They're not prawns. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. Fucking no way. No, no, no. How many of them do you eat on an unlimited when you are untethered? Hmm.

You know, I mean. Let's say they serve you 75 before they cut you off. They don't cut you off. Oh, it's like right in front of me. 75 was going down my gut. There's no part where you reflect back to yourself. Should I eat more shrimp? When you first said it, the number

that came to me was 15. Now I'm thinking 20. Or maybe like a third of the 75. They think that I'm going to eat 75. Those monsters. Yeah. I think I might, I think I might eat 25.

I'm trying to think. That sounds about right. I'm trying to remember this sandwich I had today. How many shrimp were in that? Because I feel like I have never eaten so many shrimp. Right. But you also ate bread. A loaf of bread.

A loaf of bread. A loaf. And probably an entire pickle sliced up. And a jug of mayonnaise. A jug of bread. A loaf. And probably an entire pickle sliced up. And a jug of mayonnaise. A jug of mayonnaise. But if these were just bear shrimp, I'm probably- And some fresh crispy lettuce. And some fresh crispy lettuce.

Four vitamins. No tomatoes, thank you. No tomatoes. I'm watching my weight. How are you ingesting the lettuce? Like you're picking it like a shrimp wrap? You're not eating the lettuce. Oh, this is just on the sandwich today.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. This was just a- No, that's okay. I thought it was in Jesse's hypothetical. Sure. I're not eating the lettuce. Oh, this is just on the sandwich today. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. I thought it was in Jesse's hypothetical. Sure. I did not see lettuce there. I'm probably eating 20 shrimp. 20?

Yeah. How many? Okay. Second phase of the question. Same situation, same size shrimp, but instead of how many do you eat, how many can you eat? What's the measure of that? Vomiting? We're going to use numbers.

Oh. No, no. Like how do you know? Okay. I guess I should phrase it as how many are you willing to eat? At what point do you draw the line? Like let's say that you are in a shrimp eating contest or you're just – everyone's watching you and they – You're with a date who has a shrimp fetish.

Exactly. You really want to get them nice and ready. She's like, I like them tender. I like them hard. Exoskeleton hard. Sure, yeah. Yeah. Ain't nothing harder than an exoskeleton.

Damn. 35? I don't know. I have not been tested. I may just be picking a number that's five higher than you, but I think I could eat 40 shrimp. I could eat 41. Okay. I could eat 46 shrimp.

I could eat 47. I could eat 52 shrimp. I'm being realistic here, and I think if this is a chain restaurant situation where they do have some sort of promotion like that, by the time this shrimp comes here, I've had three iced teas. Sweetened? No, I usually do an unsweetened iced tea. Have you been filling up on bread

as my parent? My mom just texted me and wanted you to know if you were filling up on bread. I heard you were having a conversation about getting the most for your money at a restaurant. I just wanted to remind you. I'm going to pay for the chicken parmesan. Don't eat the whole bread.

Don't fill up on bread. Yeah. So I'm probably – I'm going to walk – I'm going to say will eat 18, can eat 25. That seems a little more sane. I think, George – I've had so much iced tea at this point, though. You might be underestimating how pumped you are from the iced tea. That's true.

Like, while the iced tea is sloshing around in your tum-tum, and that's going to be a concern? That little caffeine's kicked in. Maybe giving me a little bit of extra caffeine hunger. Yeah. Let's assume fast service, too. So you're just like halfway through. Yeah, she's there with the pitcher. She's there.

Well, no, I mean with the shrimp too. Oh, yeah. The shrimp is coming in a pitcher in this situation. It's pouring out. I'll take the pitcher of shrimp. They're all just sitting there under a heat lamp. Sure. And –

Scooping them in. They're ready. I have a friend named Adam who once told me the story. He went to college in St. Louis and he and his college softball team, like his intramural, you know, what do they call that? Multi-gender, intergender, mixed gender softball team. Intramural? Intramural. That means they play against other.

That doesn't mean that it's more than one gender. What's the word that I'm trying to say? Yeah, exactly. God, Bill. Do you like how I drew the line there? Can you feel the shrimp tonight? Yeah, I know, right? All right, they play against shrimp.

Okay, good, yeah. Good joke. Yeah. A plus. Very good. You, good, yeah. Good joke. Yeah. A plus. Very good. You've got the job. There was like a bar in St. Louis near Washington of St. Louis where he went to school that had an unlimited wings day. Right.

And what they would do is they would go when the bar opened, eat as many wings as they could. Then they would sort of take it in shifts to go do their business for the day while always keeping a few people from the team at the table. Wow. Thus maintaining their unlimited wings status. What is the total elapsed time here? Like four hours? So he was like six plus hours. Holy shit.

So he told me that he personally would eat like 100 wings in a day. That doesn't seem like that. He's a really skinny guy too. Wow. That doesn't seem like that is happening because of a love of wings. That is a hatred for that restaurant. It's just not liking the restaurant and wanting to... Or for oneself.

Love of the game. Yeah, maybe there. The wand finds the wizard. I get it. I get it, man. I feel like no wizard would ever find your wand if you were eating that many wings. Sure. Your gunt covers your wand if you were eating that many wings. Sure. Because your gut covers your wand.

Even in college. You have to move a few folds away. Yeah, the wand's under there. You might want to get a crowbar. Should I lay down in this pile of bones? Constantly surrounded by a pile of birds in that situation, Jordan. Yeah, you're just made of blue cheese at that point, too. In, I guess, your wizard cave?

Yeah. Yeah, but I feel like if you're dipping those wings, you are as much blue cheese as you are chicken at that point. Oh, my God, I love it. I love blue cheese so much. I don't like talking about this because I'm so full of shrimp. Have I mentioned that? Have I mentioned how full of shrimp I am? cheese so much. I don't like talking about this because I'm so full of shrimp. Have I mentioned that? Have I mentioned how full of shrimp I am?

I have heard. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la la la la. Chaotic Bro. Natural Yeager. Picosby. Mount Armis. The USS Entrepreneur. Dustbuster Club. Drunk Shimoda. What are we talking about?

Some of the many delightful nonsenses that are now important running gags in the Star Trek podcast we still can't believe we're actually making. The Greatest Generation is a show that is reviewing Star Trek The Next Generation episode by episode, but it's much sillier and has more fart jokes than that makes it sound. Our reputations may never recover. You can get our show at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Hi, I'm Vince. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world,

join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. Turns out it isn't what we thought it would be. For example, stickers on car windows? It's no longer about what type of monster would let that happen and more like realizing you are that monster. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Download One Bad Mother on MaximumFun.org or Apple Podcasts. And yes, there will be swears. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

And I'm Bill Corbett, a shrimp-human hybrid. Bill, what is a Riff Trax project that people should check out right now? Right now. What's the hottest thing in the Riff Trax store? Right now, check out The Fairy King of R, A-R. It's one of these – it's a movie I was telling you before we started here that was filmed in South Africa. We got a whole bunch of them where we just sort of made up a backwards story of actors were like let – given like two weeks at a resort or something like that and a bunch of Krugerrands. It was in the 90s. And they just – because Scott – Malcolm McDowell, who's still a wonderful actor, you know, despite his choices. The immortal Corbin Bernson.

Oh, sure. L.A. Law. Yeah, absolutely. Ashes of the Universe? Anyway. No, that's Dolph Lundgren. Dolph Lundgren was He-Man. I'm sorry.

Yeah, Corbin Bernson is L.A. Law. Okay. And I don't know what else. He also has Denzel Washington. No, he doesn't have Denzel Washington. He was on L.A. Law, wasn't Denzel Washington. No, he doesn't have Denzel Washington. He was on L.A. Law, wasn't he? Sure. No, he was on St. Elsewhere.

Blair somebody was on L.A. Law. Blair Underwood? Blair Underwood. You're right. Yeah. Very handsome. Yeah. And Corbin's pretty handsome and Malcolm handsome.

You know, so if you want a South African movie with a lot of handsome people and some terrible CGI fairies. I do. I do want that. Shot in the immediate aftermath of the fall of apartheid. Yeah. Very much so. That's the main thing. They're like, the cultural boycott has been broken.

And there is not a- Let's make some fairy movie. There is not a black person anywhere near this movie. So they did their part for... Live show coming up in June. Live show coming up in June is a redo of an MST3K classic Space Mutiny.

That's the stuff right there. Starring Reb Brown. We're excited about that. A little daunted because we gave him about 40 nicknames in the first one, and people want us to find 40 more. Really? You're doing more red brown nicknames? Yep.

Boy. Can you give us a preview? Is there anything that's in consideration right now? I have to do basically a flow chart of modifiers. Buff drink lots. Yeah. Slab bulkhead. Beef strong heart.

That's fun. But we're looking forward. Riff Trax is fun. We are fun. If we're not that, we're nothing. Really. Yeah, Riff Trax is a blast. Definitely get their movies and go to the live shows.

They're simulcast. Yeah, they are. You can see them in a movie theater. And I frequently go to these and they are just a hoot. They're so funny. Thanks, man. Yeah, you will not laugh harder in a movie theater. Well, I go to the Metropolitan Opera simulcast. Sure. That is

hilarious. That was in IEA. Tosca. Damn, boy. Right. If you had seen this Carmen. Yeah, you would have. Yeah. And funny and sexy.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like a boob would come out. It was sort of. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. We can get Kevin Murphy to do that. Yeah.

Murphy will whip out a boob. Great. Twirl it around for you and put it back. You heard it here first. I mean, Benedict Cumberbatch took out a boob in that Royal Shakespeare Company play that he did in the final pass. So, I think it's pretty much de rigueur at this point.

We'll get on it. Take out our old man boobies. And also, I'm going to need some shrimp. So, should we do the whole thing like, not like stuffing our faces with shrimp, but consistently eating it for the last— Oh, and just see how many you can get through over the course of a two-hour presentation. Just keep replenishing the supply.

I think that's a fun, like, audience participation thing is every time they see a shrimp go into your maws. Yeah. And one, two, 39. Sure, it'll be like a Rocky Horror thing, and everybody will throw cocktail sauce. Eventually we can just dispense with the movie and make it, yeah, shrimp eating contest. 39. Sure. It'll be like a Rocky Horror thing and everybody will throw cocktail sauce. Eventually we can just dispense with the movie and make it. Shrimp eating contest. Right. Cybocast around the globe.

Watch us eat shrimp. Everyone throws tiny forks at the stage maybe. Sure. That happens in the room. Spoons. Yeah. And we'll challenge the Metropolitan Opera Company to a shrimp off at some point. Yeah.

I don't think you're going to win that one. There's some big people. Big voices, big folks. Sure. Shrimp needs are vast. You said that your brother lost something in himself. Yeah. My younger brother, when he was, well, we didn't know this until after the fact, but when

he was about five, he'd been getting nosebleeds for about a year. And then at one point, he tearfully confessed to my mother that he had taken out the plug from one of those like Christmas globe shake-em-ups. And for some reason he was compelled to put it up his nose. And so he spent about a year with it up there like tossing and turning at night wondering if it was ever going to come out, having nosebleeds. Just this little dumbass four-year-old, five-year-old. And then eventually it just kind of did come out with a big sneeze. And my mother was like, ah, you're having like an alien baby.

What's terrible is when they are that age, because something similar happened with my oldest when she was littler. You can't rely on their reports of what did and didn't go up there. So like they'll kind of have a feeling like they put something up there, but it might have just been a dream they had or an idea they thought they might try that could be fun. All those things are one to a four year old. They're dumb and they're super high at all moments. And so there was a point where we did, I think, have to take our daughter to the doctor. The German. To verify that nothing was in there.

Yeah. Like we were like, we thought nothing was in there. I believe it was a balloon. What was the operating theory though? What was up where? She thought she had put... She claimed that she had maybe put a balloon up her nose.

Okay. Like one of those little magician balloons. When I was little, I made my mom take me to the emergency room because I thought grandma's ghost was in my eye. Yeah. I can see it. I can see her there dancing around.

Free me. No. Don't move into the black neighborhood. Grandma. Grandma's ghost. Grandma's ghost. Oh, boy. I'm sorry.

But with my – It's a different time. Yeah. She's trapped in my eye. I'm sorry. But with my – It's a different time. Yeah. She's trapped in my eye.

Does she have – can she travel from eye to eye or is it just one? Yeah, it's fun. Okay. It's kind of cute. Is that why you got bifocals? It is, yeah. And I think they make me look distinguished. Yeah, well, you know.

With my brother though, the funny part that I remember, I was only a year and a half older, is that he actually tried to convince my parents that it happened by accident, that he was just kind of messing around, like shaking the snow globe and it popped out and it went up there of its own volition. And finally, you know, I butt losings that they come across. People will always say they like fell on something. An entire spaghetti squash just found its way up there. It was sitting on its end and I fell off a ladder. So I had lubed a spaghetti squash for display. As you do.

And I happened to be gallivanting. Right. Under pantsless. Sure. Across my living room floor. That was a recent tear in my trousers. Just spaghetti squash size. We'll take it out of there.

Inspired by a New York City ballet simulcast I had recently viewed. You've come to the right man. It's me. An old joke that we sought of an hour ago. Sure. I remove things by putting more things up there.

I hope you don't mind. Soon there will not be enough room for more things. The bigger things will chase the little things out. Sometimes I'm German. Sometimes I'm basically Malcolm McDowell.

I need the money. I am not very precise. Jordan Jesse Go is produced by Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. If you hear laughing from off microphone, that's Brian. You don't need to ask us. It's Brian. He

laughs through the window sometimes. It's a problem that he's seeing a counselor for. It is Brian. He laughs through the window sometimes. It's a problem that he's seeing a counselor for. It is actually the ghost of his grandmother in his eye laughing. It's a common problem. Hashtag your thoughts about the program. Hashtag JJGo

on Twitter. Send any corrections or further information we might need based on what we said on the program on Twitter to at gasstationTV. That's at gasstationTV, the only television network that lives inside a gas pump. That's their slogan, right? It is, yeah. The only television network that lives dot, dot, dot inside a gas pump.

Yeah, you need that kind of 70s commercial voice. network that lives... dot dot dot... inside a gas pump. Yeah, you need a... Yeah, that kind of 70s commercial voice. A smucker's guy. Get a gas station. A Casey Kasem thing. It's morning in America. Yeah, and a TV network

lives inside a gas pump. Somewhere in Omaha, farmers roasting corn. I'm going to fuel up the tractor and watch the Today Show. But just a little bit of it. Just a little bit. Just a very little bit.

Watch a few seconds of Jimmy Kimmel. You can tweet at us at jessithorn at jordan underscore morris. Bill, you're just Bill Corbett, right? Yep, yep. You can tweet at us at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris. Bill, you're just Bill Corbett, right? Yep. Yep.

It's spelled the standard way, Bill Corbett. Yeah. A couple of omelettes along the way. In that order. Throw in some. If you're a Redditor, you can join us on Reddit where there's always a lively discussion at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. And you can also join us in the MaxFun Facebook group where there is often a lively discussion. You can also like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook, and we encourage you to do so.

And can I say this, Jordan? Sure. This is the week. This is the week that you write a review in Apple Podcasts of Jordan Jesse Go. Do it. Let's do it all at once this week. Now. Go.

This week and never again. Yes. Right now, did you know that the top review of Jordan, Jesse, Go? I'm pretty sure it was Jordan, Jesse, Go was like a review that I wrote before we started the show in order to make the show look good. Whoops. That's funny. That is remarkable honesty. It's like 15 years ago now.

Oh, wow. But it stays at the top because I think whatever is at the top is whatever has had the most, this is useful. I wrote a clear review that describes what it was. As President Clinton has taught us. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for listening. I always review my own podcasts.

I'm very horny. In retrospect, I'm a bad person. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.