Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 531: Mist Connections with Alison Rosen

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

Alison Rosen joins Jordan and Jesse as they "candy up" and get into a discussion of Alison's son's media diet, the similarities of Jesse's baby Curtis to an afro-haitian dancer, and how the title of Alison's new book (Tropical Attire Encouraged (and Other Phrases That Scare Me)) was inspired by a party thrown by Maria Menounos. Plus, Jordan has both a new dresser and a pet dilemma and a momentous occasion call helps remind everyone that there is still some magic in the world.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, candying up! Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Ooh, you hear that bubble in my throat?

What's that bubble in your throat? That's candy. Oh, my goodness. That's the saliva that comes when you eat some candy because you need a little pep. Can I ask you a question? Yes. When you say candy, is it possible, is it at all possible that you're talking about double bubble brand bubble gum? No.

Because candy doesn't make bubbles. Bubble gum makes bubbles. I guess by bubble I mean like, you know, when you have a sweet treat, your saliva gets thicker. And you get a little, our guest is nodding. You're looking at me like you don't get candy bubbles. Which is my burlesque name, by the way. So your saliva gets, how much thicker does it get? Noticeably.

Really? Yeah. Enough so you get – when you try and talk, you get a little bubble sometimes. Out of your mouth like a drunk in a cartoon strip in the 1920s? Maybe – okay. It might not be a – it's just like it's blockage. Is that why earlier you kept going hick? Right.

And then I saw a pink elephant and I rubbed my eyes and I smashed my bottle with three X's on it. You know, candy bubbles. Okay. I want to know if our guest confirms this. So I'm going to go ahead and bring her into the conversation if you don't mind. She is a beloved podcaster. She is now an author. She has a brand new book called Tropical Attire Encouraged.

A good friend of Jordan, Jesse Goh. The one and only Alison Rosen. Thank you so much for having me. Jordan is 100% correct. Thank you. I was listening to the most recent episode as I sit here in this chair where you guys were talking about candying up at the beginning. We'll give a little context for candying up, I guess. Jesse and I are doing a secret project

that requires a long day of taping before we tape this. So it's a real marathon. So to get a little pep. There's upsides and downsides to doing this project. Yes. The downside is you've got to work for 12 hours straight. Yeah.

The upside is – Twix. Steve Agee stops by. Oh, sure. Yes. And an excuse to eat some Twix around 9 p.m. There's a bowl of Twix. Yeah.

So I came in and mind you, I had nothing to do with the secret project. I haven't been working since 9.30, although I have been up because I have a baby for a really long time. So arguably the same, but not really. But anyway, I mean, some might say that the hardest work of all is being a mom. I feel heard. Yeah. I feel understood. I feel supported.

Thank you. No problem. Real babies have curves. Sure. So I saw the bowl of candy and I thought, uh-oh, now I want to candy up. Yeah. And then I'm like, I'm not going to do it. Hell yeah, you did.

And then I saw you, Jordan, and I brought it up just because I wanted permission. Yeah. And then I couldn't help myself. I did. I had a tiny Twix and a tiny Three Musketeers. But as I was about to do it, I thought to myself, I don't know that this is the most prudent decision right before podcasting because podcast bubble. Jesse, how have you lived this many years?

And I'm not calling you old. I'm just saying you've been around. Have you never experienced a certain viscousness in your throat? Like anyone who's used Pennzoil, I have suffered from viscosity and thermal breakdown. I think I understand what you're saying. I just have never reached bubble status. I'm not bubbling, baby. Right.

Well, Allison and I, well, you sound great, by the way, Allison. You don't sound like you have candy bubbles at all. Thank you. I was concerned that I would, though. You sound sonorous, mellifluous. Is it my dulcet tones that you're hearing? Those are the tones we made. Honey-drenched dulcet tones.

Initially, I thought it was a dulcimer. That's how dulcet they are. I get that a lot, yeah. Or maybe a lap steel. Right. I eat less candy at this point in my life than I have at other points in my life. I mean, for a long time, you were off all candy and sugar entirely. Yeah, I had a no-sug period, and I've eased up on that. How long was your no-sug period?

A year and some change, maybe. That's a long—like, how hard—w you no-fruit or just no-sugar? No, no, no. I was not one of those. Yeah, if I was, I probably would have lost more weight. You weren't a no-fru? I was not a no-fru. Jordan also had a shug period.

That's when he hung vanilla ice out a window. Yes. Right. He had it coming. Yeah. So, yeah. But I try not just have casual candy. Try and save those sweet treats for when you're at a restaurant that has a special dessert or when any donuts at all are available, even if they're stale as someone got them.

Will you turn down any donut? Is there a donut you will – oh, a faux nut. That came up on my show. Yeah, I do not like faux nuts. That is... I feel like not everyone who listens to this show is like a coastal... I feel like hardly anyone would know what a faux nut is, actually. A faux nut is...

People might have heard of a cronut, which is half croissant and half donut. Here in Los Angeles, we have faux nuts, which are half donut. Thank you. Thanks for... I was going to say half donut and half telephone. Oh, I'm sorry. I stepped on it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's fine. It doesn't matter. It's not like I'm the host

of the program. Half donut, half faux hawk? Yeah. That's what a faux nut is. Invented by early David Beckham. I know I should let this go, but I feel really bad now. Don't feel bad. I thought you were genuinely going to explain that. I didn't realize you were going for a joke.

Don't feel bad, Allison. You had a great joke. It was just as good as my joke. It's fine as long as a great joke happened. That is so- And we all had fun. Yeah. We did.

Yeah. Although, I can't remember what side of the Fonut argument you came out on. You just know the Fonut maker from a reality show, right? Yes. Know of her, Waylon, from a reality show called something like Eat, Drink, Love. Okay. And it was just one season or possibly two. It was on Bravo.

There were a few people in the cooking world who had no connection to each other other than they were all on this show together. They tried to force them into having drama. It didn't really work. But she has great hair and she makes artificial donuts. And you're not a fan. What does that mean, an artificial donut? I think it's baked, not fried. Yeah.

So it is just kind of like this kind of cakey thing. They look very nice. The presentation is terrific. I live right by this Fonut place. This Fonut place is a five-minute walk from me. Right. So I decided to try this Fonut. Good cup of coffee there, too, I should say.

Okay. But, yeah, the Fonut is very gross, and it definitely feels like you are getting the same sugar bomb, so maybe just have a donut? What about our friends at the Baked Not Fried Wing Restaurant? Oh, yeah. Those are good wings. I think that preparation is pretty nice on a wing.

So I will say give me a baked wing, but if we're talking about a nut, fry it up. I mean, Allison, you weren't here for this but a few years ago I happened to have read a Busytown book that was about one of the characters

from Busytown being a baker and trying to bake donuts and it enraged me to the point where I think I probably talked about it

for 12 consecutive minutes without letting Jordan talk I was so upset about this children's book it was a terrible book but mostly It enraged me to the point where I think I probably talked about it for 12 consecutive minutes without letting Jordan talk. I was so upset about this children's book. It was a terrible book. But mostly I was upset that they were trying to bake donuts. Like, just fry them. That's why they taste good.

Yeah. Were they trying to indoctrinate children in some sort of healthier lifestyle? Like, what was going on there? I couldn't tell you. I mean, honestly, I think they were probably indoctrinating children into accepting, you know, peer to peer relationships with worms wearing hats. Sure. Lowly worm. Yeah, we should look down upon that. Which in hindsight is such a

depressing name for a character. I have developed a very late in life fondness for Slimy the Worm from Sesame Street. I grew up with Sesame Street. slimy was just friend of the grouch but i didn't have any special feelings for slimy however now that i'm watching sesame street again with with my son um slimy is so cute and sounds like this like yeah that's fine the highest pitched cute little voice. What else? Yes, I guess I don't know squat about child development.

I don't know at what age a kid does what. I feel like I will like, you know, someone will show me a five-year-old and I will ask if they're talking yet. So you know the basics. You start school at five. You enter adolescence as like 11, 12 year old. Yeah, this is all new. Lose your virginity in your mid-20s. Well, some people.

Some real fuck machines, I guess. Maybe in Buenos Aires. Are you suggesting that in Buenos Aires, there's a very sexual culture? I think so. Argentines. Would a summer boy – It's all that hot weather. Yeah.

When does a summer boy lose his virginity? Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm going to call back just to something that cracks me up, but I don't even think I necessarily understand what a summer boy is. Well, we don't either. Like most things on this show, it doesn't really have any meaning. Sure. I mean, you're going to want to talk to the tree bee about that one.

Oh, boy. Yeah, well, full short. Anyway. So I wanted to ask, first of all, how old is your child and what sorts of media are you ingesting with him? We just uploaded a thumb drive. Oh, sure. Yeah, we're ingesting all kinds of... He's 15 months old, and a lot of parents of 15 months old, if they are in LA and go to

Mommy and Me classes, or even not, probably... I feel like you're not supposed to really give them screens yet. There's this whole pushback against screens. Sure. I think the pediatricians will tell you that you shouldn to really give them screens yet. Like there's this whole pushback against screens. I think the pediatricians will tell you that you shouldn't have screens before about two. Huh. Our pediatrician has not weighed in. But then she also hasn't seen me give him my phone.

So for a while we were like, that sounds smart. That sounds good. And then I don't know. At a certain point, it became very difficult to change his diaper because he kept wanting to flip over. And I discovered that if I show him a video on YouTube, Sesame Street, then he becomes very – it's very easy to change his diaper. He becomes very docile. You give him the opiate of the people. Yes. It really works.

Religion. It's crazy how into it he is. Yeah. So sometimes it does concern me. Like if he's holding the phone and he's like, his nose is in the phone and he's very much not paying attention to anything else. Not like he's in the middle of the street or anything, but I'm just saying he's so he's like not present. Um, so I try to, if we're going to watch Sesame Street, put it on the television just so he isn't like an inch away from the screen. And at least, I mean, Sesame Street is a quality program. I think we all grew up with it.

And at least he's not watching like videos of like a weird adult playing with Barbies. Right. No weird adults playing with Barbies. No snuff films yet. But fingers crossed he'll get there. It's pretty much just Sesame Street so far. I put on Paddington one day because I was curious about it. The movie?

The movie. The recent movie, Paddington? Yes. And he was fairly into that. And then I also put on The Secret Life of Pets because I was also curious about that. Both of these, I think I only caught 15 minutes of them. Sure. They were kind of 15 minutes of them. Sure. They were kind of on in the background.

Okay. I think Paddington definitely traumatized my six-year-old daughter. When the first one came out, she would have been three or four. She and I went to the movie theater, and I was determined to sit through it because it's pretty good. This is what I hear. Yeah, and both Paddington 1 and Padding it because it's pretty good. This is what I hear. Yeah. And both Paddington 1 and Paddington 2 are both pretty good. But there is a scene where Paddington Bear is in like a furnace duct and there's a fire in the furnace.

And it's like tickling Paddington Bear's butt. And he's trying to escape out the duct. It's like Toy Story 3. All these kids' movies have the finest danger. Well, I think, I mean, I feel like what happened is at some point they decided, well, you can't have like hitting, kicking, or shooting. What is the next most terrifying danger? Sure.

Like we have to have danger because otherwise we're not creative enough to have the plot revolve around people's feelings. So like let's go ahead and – It's either a furnace or attacked by spiders. Yeah. Swarmed by spiders. Exactly. So my daughter was – like my daughter is still very afraid of fire basically because of just that one scene in Paddington Bear.

I feel like a fear of fire is not the worst thing. No, no. I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be afraid of. Like it's, you know, right up there with sticking a fork in a socket. Another thing kids should be afraid of. But they don't know to be afraid of it until there's a bear movie involving it. My biggest concern is there was not a single socket scene in Paddington Bear 1 or 2. Have you thought about, and I just, you know, as far as like teaching moments and teachable

moments and things like this about teaching, bringing her to Avengers so she knows to be afraid of infinity gauntlets. Yeah. Well, she already is really big on collecting magic stones. Sure. Yes. Yeah. The infinity stones.

Yeah. Or gems. Got it. There's some people who are mad that they're called stones yeah or gems got it there's some people are mad that they're called stones and not gems in the movies okay well anyway she's she's definitely already big on that uh certain types of men you could maybe picture them in your mind yes sorts of other things these men are mad about uh yeah you know ethics and video ethics Luke Skywalker throwing away the lightsaber what gender a ghostbuster should be these sorts of these sorts of things they sound fun yeah real

fuck machines even though we are sort of poking fun at how um persickety, for lack of a better word, there being about facts and whatnot. Question taking us back to Paddington. And this is not a spoiler, but Paddington and the other bears are super into marmalade. Yes, sure. That is technically a spoiler, I think. It's right at the beginning, though. Yeah. I mean, it's right at the beginning.

But you're kind of ruining the movie for people if they now know that the bears like marmalade. That's one of the things about, like, I didn't like Paddington as a kid. It fell under the category of boring European thing. Say British bears. Sure, yeah. We're also putting The Little Prince in there, Babar. God, The Little Prince. I just read The Little Prince with with grace my six-year-old

what a snooze and it had come as a gift and there's like some very beautiful things about it but is 100 for adults yeah and uh it had come as a gift from a friend of my mom's and i emailed my mom and said like oh we're actually reading that little prince that uh you us. And my mom just wrote, oh, that book is very boring. What a slog. Why didn't you say that when you gave it to me? Here's the slog for you. Yeah. But I do, I mean, I have only a passing knowledge of Paddington, but I know he likes marmalade.

You do. That's one of the things about him. When I was watching and I was just thinking, I know bears like honey. But I was unaware they like marmalade. He likes marmalade because he's a colonialist. Right. So it's really about British sea power through the early 20th century. Yeah.

Like if he were Australian, he'd like Vegemite. Right. Yeah. You just have to. It's a cultural thing. Or wallaby steaks. Sure. Or. Yeah. You just have to. It's a cultural thing. Or wallaby steaks. Sure. Right.

Or being poisoned. So Sesame Street, you guys are watching Sesame Street. Sesame Street. That's about it. What about in the book category? Oh, all the greats. Uh-huh. Good Night Moon.

Yeah. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. I don't think I know Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. I didn't know Chicka Chicka Boom Boom either. That's a sexual book for children. Oh, sure. It's from Buenos Aires. I didn't think I know Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. I didn't know Chicka Chicka Boom Boom either. That's a sexual book for children. I was sure it was from Buenos Aires. I didn't know it either. And when I got it, I was like, that is a dumb name and I'm never going to feel comfortable saying it. Sure. It's like ordering the Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity.

I will never say that. But Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. I mean, I have the whole thing memorized. Okay. And also for my first- We won't ask you to recite it. That would be cool. A told B and B told C. I'll meet you at the top of the coconut tree. We said D to EFG. I'll beat you to the top of the coconut tree.

Chicka chicka boom boom. Will there be enough room? I could go on, but – No, that was terrific. Yeah, that's enough. Yeah. First 100 words. Snuggle puppy.

My personal Penguin. And the thing is – That sounds like that could be the title of like an erotic Cinemax movie, My Personal Penguin. It's about some kind of nun fucker or something. I don't know. I feel like it's about someone hairless. Oh, is that what you call a hairless person? I mean I don't. And I don't know that one – One might. It would just feel – doesn't a about someone hairless. Oh, is that what you call a hairless person? I mean, I don't.

And I don't know that one might. Doesn't a penguin seem hairless? Well, yeah. It seems like it would probably fall under the same naming convention as bears and otters and cubs. Like, what is a penguin? It's right. It's a smooth, mucusy band. Penguin's covered in mucus.

They seem like they might be. I think they're covered in an oil slick. There you go. I've seen them on television and they're definitely covered in a thick black oil slick. So if you're into hairless, oily dudes, lubed dudes,

you know someone isn't into all that. Is into all that. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Yeah. They're into penguins. But anyway, what I didn't realize is that I have all of these books memorized. Yes. I don't know how. You just memorize them real fast. Yeah.

A friend of Max Funn, Tim Harrington, the high-flying front man of rock band Les Savvy Fav. Oh, I remember them. Yeah. Make a new album. I know. I know. Anyway. There's not enough money in rock music, unfortunately. Well, do remember them. Yeah, make a new album. I know. I know. Anyway. There's not enough money in rock music, unfortunately.

Well, do it anyway. But instead of making albums, Tim Harrington, who is a lovely man, every bit the lovely man you would hope he would be, he has made these children's books. He's a graphic designer, works as a graphic designer, and he's made a couple of children's books. And there's this one called Nose to Toes, You Are Yummy. Oh, I like that. And it is one of these bip-de-boop-de-bop-de-boop children's books. They all are. But this one, seriously, there is instructions on how to do a dance.

And I have found that with my children, I'm sure it's different with all children, but I found with my children that anything, any media that instructs them to do something, they are not interested. So there is this presumption in children's media that like they will talk back to the television or they will like interact with the book. My children will just stare at me like, give me a fucking break. stare at me like, give me a fucking brick. However, with Tim Arrington's book Nose to Toes, You Are Yummy, which has an associated dance,

they will do the yummy dance for my wife and I. It is the greatest pleasure in my life to watch my children do the yummy dance as we intone the... Can you describe this dance? It involves rubbing your tummy, jumping up and down on one... I don't remember all the steps of the dance. Sure. You've got to rub your nose, nose, nose, and your feet, feet, feet, and your something, something, something, your neat, neat, neat, something like that.

But watching my children do this, to my mind, it is there like my private dancers. Sure. Yeah. Like to my mind, they are doing it for me. I realize intellectually they're doing it for themselves, that it's an activity that they're doing. But to me, it's like, I am getting, you know, the reason that you take care of children is because there's chemicals inside your brain that tell you they are cute and that's important.

Sure. And so this is like a heroin of that. Gotcha. Like it is the they are it is like they are giving me a little. It's it's like they're saying, like, Dad, let me hit your vein real quick. Right, sure. With some of my fucking kid shit that controls your mind. You know, like, this is the ultimate fucking uncut hard white.

Right, sure. The real shit. You're a junkie. Yeah, yeah, you're just chasing that. I'm going to hit you so hard with this fucking cute shit. You're just chasing that first high of that time they ate spaghetti. Exactly. Got it all they ate spaghetti. Exactly. Got it all over their face.

Exactly. Like, it is a powerful experience. So I can't recommend that one enough. Yeah, I was going to say, if you don't think I'm going home and looking up this yummy dance and getting my son aboard the yummy dance train, you're wrong. Oh, yes. Now, 15 months. Is that a dance? Can he dance?

Not in any way where he could follow directions. Right. But he does, when he hears music, he kind of, like, rocks back and forth he could follow directions, but he does. When he hears music, he kind of like rocks back and forth. That is gorgeous. It was so cute. I was doing – he has like a very particular dance he does where he kind of like puts his chest forward and puts his butt out and like – he's like a little pigeon, like hops up and down or like bops up and down.

So I was doing it with him in the mirror and I woke up the next day and I was so sore. Like whatever. Yeah. That's bar method is what that is. Yeah, it is. I don't have the core strength for it, I guess. He probably does pop physique. My best friend is pop physique.

Yeah. I think the best thing that a 15, because Allison's baby and my baby are about the same age. The best thing that my baby does is when they walk around, they're not good at it. And it's not that they're toddling. It's more that it looks like they're doing – I mean, we've talked on Jordan, Jessica, Go before about how I took Afro-Haitian dance class in high school. And, you know – In high school. And, you know, our high school. Wow. Yeah. Michelle, our Afro Haitian dance teacher, she would always say, you know, you got to like ground yourself with your with your butt.

Sure. You know, you got to you got to like let the connection between your butt and the ground like that is what your center is your is your rear. And that's just naturally how my one year old is like is just his Like, his toes are always pointed a little bit wide for balance. And when he runs, he's just going, going. And it's like I want to be like Michelle, the aberration. She used to go, ging, ging, ga, ging, ging, ga, ging, ging, ga. And, like, when he's running around, I want to go, ging, ging, ga, ging, ging, ga.

Because he's going like, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph, oomph. Like shaking his ass. You should. It's gorgeous. Oh, it's a delight. And then, you know, I mean, that ultimately, I think, I think the reason that we invented diapers as a culture. Right. Well, so there's not shit on the floor.

Well, so here's the thing. In other cultures, they don't have shit on the floor and they don't have diapers. What do they do? They just can tell when their baby's about to shit and they take it outside. Hmm. But they, that's my understanding anyway. My theory is that the reason that, you know, quote unquote Western culture, European and American culture invented the diaper is it's like high heels. Like high heels emphasizes women's sex characteristics.

I think that the diaper emphasizes the cuteness of a baby's butt. It really does. The funny baby walking. Yeah, like it really helps you focus on, oh, look at that funny baby butt. Yeah. You know, like, oh, look at that baby butt. Do you guys like videos of babies getting knocked over by pets? I don't. Just thinking about it.

Yeah. I'd like those. And I was wondering what being a parent did for that genre of video. Like gently knocked over by a cute puppy and then the baby laughs or something where you're worried the kids hurt. Because I have no time or tolerance or ability to watch videos where kids are actually potentially getting hurt. And they're so popular.

I don't understand that. It's like a football player where you say they've lost the tendons and cartilage in their knee and it's bone against bone. You're bone against bone with babies getting hurt. There's no give there. It's just as soon as there's trouble, it's intense shooting pain. Because I really like this kind of video, but I was wondering if I was a parent, if I would find it as delightful or as an immediate like, oh my God, what happened? As long as it's clear there's no jeopardy.

That's the central thing is that there cannot be jeopardy. I'd rather just see a baby playing with an animal. That's fun. I like anything in a video where something comes out of nowhere. My baby, baby Curtis, walks around

the house following our dog Sissy. My dog Coco, she's old and weird and no longer. She doesn't really relate to anyone besides me and kind of Teresa anymore. But my dog Sissy is much more friendly to the kids. And Curtis will waddle around the house going, sis, sis, sis, sis, sis. What is your son's relationship to Wendy, your dog?

He has very floppy ears, by the way. Yeah, he loves Wendy. Sounds good. Wendy, thankfully, is really, really patient with him. Yeah. So he can go up. And I'm sure there's going to be dog people or dog trainers who are hearing this and who are like, I don't think so.

But he can take stuff out of her mouth and she's fine with it. Yeah. I mean, actually, if we take stuff out of her mouth, she's fine with it, too. She's just thankfully not. She's a nice dog. Yeah. She's but really patient. But when she's sleeping, he wants to go up and pet her.

So, you know, there's a lot of and his pet petting is not like the way, it's not like a gentle caress. Sure. It's just a sort of like spastic, like touching her face. Right. But she, he gives her a lot of his food. So she's fine. She's fine with all of this.

My dog is so self-centered and pet driven, that is driven by the desire to be pet. Sure. And pet driven. That is driven by the desire to be petted. Sure. That like literally my baby essentially punching her over and over. She's like, I don't know. It's good enough. I mean, it's enough for me. It's contact. It's fine.

I know he loves me. I know he loves me. Yeah. That sounds like a fun relationship. Does he feed the dogs? Well, yes. I mean, that's like the big problem, though, is that, you know, you are encouraged to let your dogs, you know, eat food that's left over from your baby or eat the food that your baby drops just because it gives them a general sense that that is also a source of food for them, which is encouraging for them. But because my dogs in their old age have started to fight over food.

Oh, no. Like we have to like quarantine them and not have them do it anymore because they both love the baby for that reason. Right. But they hate each other because when the food's, it's very stressful. It's extremely stressful. I had a pet dilemma come up this week. I got a new dresser.

This is not part of the pet dilemma. This is part of the story. I don't consider a dresser a pet. I was worried you guys would think I was crazy because, like, I have a pet dilemma. I got this new dresser, and it's not eating. It's not eating. My internal autocomplete when you said, am I got a new, I just was certain you were going to say iguana. Oh, funny.

I don't know why. Do I seem like an iguana guy? I'm a little insulted, honestly. I'm not a reptile, no snakes. I like an iguana more than maybe the more than you do. So it's not an insult in my book. Do I want to feed an iguana some lettuce? Sure.

Yeah. But do I want to care for it longer than that? I mean, do you want to keep meal worms in your freezer? No. Sure. Probably not. Yeah. That's for good humor bars. That's what the freezer's for. Not meal worms. That's one of Jordan's famous

rules for life. Sorry, baby. The freezer's for good humor only. My dad had tropical fish growing up, and the freezer was always a mix of, like, yo, play bars and frozen worms and frozen beef heart and just all sorts of

yuckiness. Yeah, beef heart. Like, ground into, like, this very thin sheet in a Ziploc bag and then... Oh, dear. Yeah. I think ideally it would just be,zikadoosies. Sure. If we could get some tropical fish that ate Itzikadoosie, then we wouldn't have to worry about it.

All freezers could just be full of Itzikadoosies. One for me, one for you, one for me. I don't even know what an Itzikadoosie is, but I'm into it. That's a quiescently frozen confection. Sounds good. So my pet dressercently frozen confection. Sounds good. So my pet dresser. I got this new dresser. Anyway, a couple days into this dresser, everything's working good.

The pants go in there. No complaints. The drawers are opening. The drawers open. As one would hope. And close. Now, Jordan, once they go in there, are they coming back out? Not unless I want them to, baby.

Oh, my God. Not unless Daddy needs a pair of pants. Finally. God. Not unless daddy needs a pair of pants. Finally, finally, you're finally the boss of your pants. Yeah, exactly. I'm putting them on when I want, not when they want. Sorry, I'm not living by your rules anymore, pile.

Yeah. Sorry, pile. So anyway, just in the house, doing some in the house stuff. And I'm like, I have not seen the cat in a while. I wonder what the cat is up to. How long is a while?

Two minutes. Yeah. I get concerned. Yeah. No, I just, I don't know. It just had kind of occurred to me that, you know, usually it's a, you know, it's not a huge apartment. So I'm like, I can kind of check in on the cat. From a seated position.

Yeah. You hear dicking around and you're like ah cat's probably fine like oh right someone loves me sure yes they're they're in they're in the other room uh yeah ruining the couch yeah um so so you know it occurred to me i have not seen the cat in a while so i'm like well i'm gonna i'll just like look around i go to all her like spots she's not in any of the spots I'm like oh boy like something's happy she's hiding or something so I get out her treat bag her uh temptations bag yeah I like to tempt my cat my dogs have a four tops bag I see sure right um so i'm shaking this bag and usually when i open the cabinet that the treat bag is in she runs in the kitchen like that it's that strong a response so i open the cabinet no cat i get out the bag you know one you know if she doesn't come at the

cabinet she opens comes at one shake are you like panicking at this point because i am a little bit yeah i definitely was. Did you think about upgrading from Temptations to Supremes? Sure, yeah. Which is a bag of sour cream you give your cat. Here you go. So, you know, I'm shaking this thing and I'm calling her and, you know, I don't see her and I don't hear her. And, you know, she's gotten out a couple of times.

There's – the door has been a little bit ajar or something like that or there's been like a screen she can poke out. It's never been for long, but it's happened. So I'm like, OK, maybe this is what happened. I'm going to have to kind of go around the neighborhood and look for her or go in the flower bed or something. And … You'd go in the flower bed anyway. Well, yeah, to give myself a little dust bath um so you know but so i'm just kind of around the house and i'm looking under everything and i go in my room and i'm shaking the bag and i just hear this kind of muffled

and i'm like oh she's somewhere in here And I'm looking around and this is coming from the dresser. And I open the drawer and she just jumps out of the dresser. Which is very cute, by the way. Very cute. But I'm like, shit, what happened? She got in the dresser but then closed it? And now I'm afraid to leave the house because I'm like, well, shit, the cat can get in the dresser and close it. I don't want her to die in the dresser while I'm gone.

Or pee on your pants. No, I don't need that. I mean, I would take that. That's fine. You know, you can wash a pair of pants, but you can't get a new cat. There's no more. You're going to have to put a tiny water dish in every drawer. Yeah, I'm probably going to put cat food in my drawers now that I'm so afraid.

Wait, are you, and by drawers, do you mean drawers or pants? What do you mean? Because you said catfish in your, I mean, catfish, cat food in your drawers. Oh, my drawers are my drawers. Right. Both, probably. You already have some catfish in your drawers, right? Sure.

That's the temptations. Are you sure that she closed it? Are you sure that she wasn't just, like, hiding in a drawer and you closed it, maybe? I guess it's possible. Because how can she close a drawer? Right, exactly. I guess that must have happened. I guess I probably just absentmindedly pushed it on my way.

She's not a huge cat. No, but you would notice her in a drawer. Right. She's the Chubbikins. I mean, you do have her sleep in a drawer like a early 20th century tenement baby. Right, sure. Wait, what? If she's not out on the

fire escape. Right, exactly, yeah. I've been wanting to know this whole time. What kind of dresser are we talking? Is it like six drawers across, low to the ground? Arts and crafts, mid-century models. Yeah, what's going on? Three and crafts. Mid-century modern. Yeah. What's going on?

Three and three. Does it have really good, this is the technical drawer term, rollies? It does have good rollies. Yeah. It rolls real nice. In that case, maybe it could, she could have somehow like momentum made the drawer close. Yeah. Maybe.

I don't know. I don't either. Anyway. You're going to have to put a camera on it. Could have been some kind of protest action? That she was getting the drawer to, I don't know. I don't either. Anyway. You're going to have to put a camera on it. Do you think it could have been some kind of protest action? That she was getting in the drawer to, yeah. I don't know, Black Lives Matter or something. No, sure, just a human cause. Me too.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how she feels about various human causes. Maybe you should ask, maybe. You know, we don't talk about politics a lot. It's just like, come on. You know what? I want to turn off my brain. I think it's time for things to get real.

Sure. Do you want to see what happens when people stop being polite? That's what I was looking for. I was looking for that. Thank you. I was like, shit, what's the real world slogan? Thank you, Allison. You're welcome.

Thank you for picking up my slack. I just want to be clear. I was also looking for that, didn't get it, and thought, if I provide half of it, these guys will. Someone will say it. Well, Allison will. Yeah. I did. Were you a

real world person? I was. I never was. I really was. I stopped being... Well, no, I continued to watch it, but for me... It's still on, right? Yes. There's still new real worlds? Is there really new still real worlds? I think there are, and I think they're redoing cities that they already did.

I would imagine so. Yeah, because there's not that many. At this point, they're like, I don't know. Real World Butte. Yeah, Istanbul. Sure. I recall. The sea. For me, a big turning point was Real World Las Vegas, because it was like the first night

they were all drunk and hooking up or could have hooked up in the jacuzzi. For me, that was the season where it's like they, now it is being cast with people who know what a reality star is sure there's like a certain kind of thing thing yeah whereas did you even see the first the very first season yeah i mean i think from you know what i remember it kind of started out as you know maybe a legitimate kind of social experiment that's supposed to be kind of like, you know, that was supposed to be like important in some way. Like we're going to take a, you know, a gay person and put them with a,

you know, a person who has a prejudice and see if they can hash it out. So yeah. And I was glad to see the gay person finally compromised. Yes, I know. Right. Yeah.

Thank you. They found a nice medium ground. So yeah. But, but know, right? Yeah, thank you. They found a nice medium ground. So, yeah. But then, yeah, I think it turned into that of just kind of a hot tub hookup show. Right. And no one learned anything. Was real world San Francisco the first real world? No, real world New York was.

Okay. I'm only, like, there are these things that I am aware of because, you we were we were in our adolescence in the in the very twilight days of the monoculture and any time and you know maybe it's not this way in orange county where you are proximate to show business but for me the like essential experiences the like the essential media products of my childhood are basically real world San Francisco, which I didn't even have cable, but I just received it via osmosis. And the week that David Letterman spent in San Francisco. We were just talking about Manny the Hippie. Yeah, sure.

Because that looms so large. And I occasionally will look back and be like, that was a week. Yeah. But it was the biggest deal in the history of the world. Like one establishing shot in a Whoopi Goldberg movie was like, oh, my God, show business is in town. Dreams are coming true. I guess I never grew up thinking that Orange County was close to show business. No, it really didn't.

I just feel like it was. And I think that is a misconception about growing up there is that everybody's kind of an L.A. person when it's like... Because I never had met anyone who was creative for a living. Like, I never, you know... Well, a few golf course designers. Yeah, golf course designers.

They're driven out of Orange County. The what? The creative people are driven out of Orange County. The what? They're driven. The creative people are driven out of Orange County. Yeah. At least they were back in the day. In a lifted pickup truck. Yeah. Yes.

And I think also there's kind of the thing of like you don't see a lot of media set in Orange County because like, well, just set something in L.A. If we're going to set something in Orange County, you know, it's like just film it there where there's infrastructure for it. So, yeah, I guess I don't remember a lot of my hometown in media. How old were we when the OC and that other MTV reality show? Right. That was just as I was getting out of high school. Like Orange County had this little moment. I had just moved to New York.

I had been there, I don't know, maybe six months. just moved to New York. I had been there, I don't know, maybe six months. And I remember watching the OC and thinking, I can't believe I am being like manipulated into feeling nostalgia for a place that I really wanted to leave, first of all. And second of all, I know that the OC that is represented on this show is not the one that I grew up in. And yet it is making me miss this place. It was very strange the way that happened. Yeah. No, I never watched. I didn't never watch any of that.

I think the closest I mean, I saw the Jack Black movie, Orange County. Right. Oh, I saw that movie, too. Which is pretty good. Written by Mike White. It's got some very funny late period Chevy Chase stuff in there, if I remember correctly. Oh, I don't think so. John Lithgow is the dad.

Isn't he a teacher? I think. Oh, I don't know. I feel like Chevy Chase is in Orange County. Is Colin Hanks in it? Colin Hanks is the lead of that. I'm remembering Lithgow and, oh, gosh. I tried to tape Orange into my phone and it came out Crangle.

Orange Crangle? Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, so yeah, I don't really have any experiences of like, oh, there's my hometown in something. Because it never didn't seem like it ever really came up. Yeah, he's totally in it. Chess is, huh? Yep. Well, there you go.

I remember it because it was when I was in high school, I had this friend who insisted that Chevy Chase was the funniest person ever. And I doubted him because I think, Jordan, you and I are the age and you may also be this age, Allison, where Chevy Chase had only been. I knew him from no good thing. Only horrible, horrible things. Sure. I am that age. But see, I knew him from no good thing. Only horrible, horrible things. Sure. I am that age, but see, I liked those things. I really liked European Vacation. The original Vacation movie is really funny.

It's like, it is, it's crazy how funny that thing still is. But yeah, the sequels, diminishing returns. Yeah, so I didn't, I mean, like, I had never even seen the Vac movies like we're i'm talking about like chevy chase show chevy chase so i only knew him as a guy that i didn't understand why anyone had ever thought they were funny just a received celebrity you know like when you're a teenager there's these people that like you know people older than you like and respect but you don't understand why sure it's like, every time someone does a guest voice on The Simpsons, I was like, okay, I bet that's a famous person. I'll ask my mom who that is.

And then I remember seeing him in Orange County and in Dirty Work around the year 2000 or whenever that was. Great late chase. And also someone loaned me a VHS of the best of Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live. I thought, oh, I guess Chevy Chase is famous for being funny because he's the funniest person ever. Sure. Yeah. Bad person though.

No, I think we know. My understanding of Chevy Chase from having read several books about the history of Saturday Night Live and so on and so forth is that while he is a genuine comedy genius, a big part of his genius is being mean to people and he never stops. That sucks. That he has never professionally ever stopped being like he will just sit there and like over and over and over forever make fun of you without being able to. You know who's great and dirty work or not dirty work? Orange County.

Catherine O'Hara. There you go. Love her. We can all agree that is not a problematic like. Oh, wow. Good in everything. One time Catherine O'Hara was on Bullseye. And I just sat there and I was just like looking at her like, how could someone be this great?

Yeah, I know. Just the whole time. I was like, this is the most amazing person. Like, what a wonderful, lovely person who's so fucking funny all the time. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Not problematic.

Not a bit. But you know who is really good? Hmm. Pol Pot, have you heard of him? No, Jesse, no. Someone gave him worth it. I like his early work. I like his late work.

Sure. Consistency. Yeah. Exactly. Just some really, just very artful. Yeah. his late work. Sure. Consistency. Yeah, exactly. Just some really, just very artful genocider. Right. Like R.E.M. Yeah.

Just the passion comes through. Right, exactly. He's not in it for the money. I feel like not enough people talk about how great Michael Stipe is at genocide. Sure, yeah. He's really great at it. Yeah. Really solid work.

Okay, we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio Ooh, we have a very nice sponsor for you this week on Jordan, Jesse, Go. A very nice sponsor. Our friends at HelloFresh. They're the meal kit delivery service that delivers your favorite recipes and ingredients so you can just what? Cook, eat, enjoy. It's a simple three-step process, folks.

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For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, go to HelloFresh.com slash JJGo30 and enter the promo code JJGo30. $30 off your first week of HelloFresh at HelloFresh.com slash JJGo30 and enter the promo code JJGo30. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, be you. You gotta plug your book, Tropical Attire and Courage. And other phrases that scare me. That's the one. If we learned anything from advertising in the 1990s, it's that we gotta be us. You gotta. I'm just trying to do my thing here, man. Listen, we're the Sprite

generation, okay? Obey my book. Sure. Ayo, Jordan, what's that in your hand? Oh, boy. Is that S-T-R-I-T-E, Ken? Mm-hmm. Allison, it's a lifesaver when you need thirst quenching, like a kiss with a lime and twist. Now, you know that's kicking.

Word? Mm-hmm. Drink up. Drink up is what you got to do. Why? Because we're the Sprite generation. You know, I asked for a nice tea recently at a restaurant and got brought a Sprite by mistake. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, I'll have a little bit of this. Pretty good. Before you send it back? Well, I don't know. I was just, I'm not a, I'm not a back sender in general. Okay. Hard time with that. A little bit of a doormat personally.

I think that is that, you know, it's kind of part of the whole thing about me is I, you know, I, I duck confrontation. And one of those is like not sending shit back at a restaurant. It's one of the secrets to our 20 year relationship. That's what I hear, yeah. Is that both of us will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid conflict. You guys might actually deeply dislike each other.

Sure. Who would know? Listen to my other podcast to find out. It's a secret podcast on the dark web. You buy it with Bitcoin. You buy it with Bitcoin and opium seeds. Sure, yeah. Whatever.

And I had a little bit of Sprite. I haven't had a Sprite in years. It's been 10 years since I've had a drink of Sprite. Pretty good. Wow. Yeah, good story, huh? What a terrible anecdote. I accidentally drank Sprite and it was good.

I don't think I would drink a Sprite if drank Sprite and it was good. I don't think I would drink a Sprite if Grant Hill himself served it to me. Sure. Recently, I was remembering Slice. Slice. What happened to Slice? I liked an orange Slice back in the day and Dr. Slice as well. They're Dr. Pepper variant. I didn't know they had Dr. Slice.

Oh, there was quite a variety of Slices. I just remember the lemon-lime slice. It had a flavor that I don't know how... It was almost like cinnamon-y. It had like some weird flavor that wasn't doing in there, but I liked it. Yeah.

It's more exotic. Yeah. I know, because I was watching Silicon Valley and they made a slice, the soda reference. Oh, okay. So yeah,

I completely forgot about it. I have nothing but contempt for Slice, Sprite, even 7-Up. But you know the whole song. Well, okay, I have fond regard for the Criss Cross Sprite commercial. Sure. By far the least, like, Sprite revolutionized hip-hop culture by bringing it to the mainstream with Brand Nubian and shit like that. I don't remember the Brand Nubian Sprite commercial at all. And all I ever think about is the crisscross one.

I don't know how that came to be. I guess when it comes to the Brand Nubian commercial, I miss the bus and I'll never, ever, ever do it again. Oh, boy. Wait, but why do you hate all these refreshing drinks? Because they're garbage drinks. They're bad for you. That I can't argue with. Okay, so all soda is bad for you, right?

Like that's a fundamental quality of soda. It's sugar water. But you have a choice to have ones that taste like something or ones that are just sugar water. And the Sprite is just sugar water. Jordan, you just had some. Would you agree? I thought it had a lemon-lime kick. I don't know.

I don't know what this guy is talking about. I thought it was pretty good. I probably will not have another one anytime soon, but that little accidental Sprite drink was pretty good. So then what are some... It's the worst thing I've ever talked about in the podcast. What are some sodas you can get behind?

Jordan, come on. We've talked about some truly terrible things. I'm talking about as far as entertainment value goes. This is like... What has... This is the most content this show has ever had. That's true. This is a new apex.

A story about drinking Sprite. You had a Sprite and liked it. Yeah. Is the most insight we've ever brought to the table. Are they writing this thing now? It's so tightly plotted. This is like a regular cozy mystery. Sure, yeah.

We should do soft drink themed cozy mysteries. Yeah, J.K. Rowling wrote this episode under a pen name. Just bring in a French detective. Yeah, J.K. Rowling wrote this episode under a pen name. Just bring in a French detective. Sure, yeah. Oh, Le Sprite. You'll be the nice team, but you got a Sprite. Sounds like a nice experience.

Who am I? I'm a detective from a small town in England, I guess. Sure. That's probably what those are about. Cup of Sprite. I feel like Linda Holmes would know.

Linda Holmes knows. Get at us, Linda Holmes. All right. What are we talking about? That should be the new last segment of every Jordan and Jesse go is Linda Holmes, pop culture expert from Pop Culture Happy Hour on NPR, tells us what we were talking about. Oh, boy. Now, would she listen to the episode or would she just take a stab? I think she doesn't really.

I wouldn't want. Linda is too smart and nice to be forced to listen to it. I think best. Ideally, Glenn Weldon from Pop Culture Happy Hour to listen to it. I think best ideally, Glenn Weldon from Pop Culture Happy Hour would listen to it. Give her the gist of it. Sort of give Linda the gist of it and then she would report back to us.

And then if Stephen Thompson has anything to throw in. Yeah. Stephen Thompson's too busy being, like, listening to high quality rock music and stuff. You know, he's got kids. He's got shit to do. Who's this Glenn person that you guys have decided does have the time to do this? He's one of the other hosts of NPR's Pop Culture. Right.

But I mean, does he not have something more important? No. Nah. Nah. That guy's written two books about superheroes. Okay. He's got time on his hands, you know. Might cut into his cabin time a little bit.

So what soda can you... I know that... Glenn Weldon. I know that not everyone cares, but I do. What soda can you get behind? Basically all sodas except for lemon-lime sodas. Okay. I mean, my all-time favorite would be Dr. Pepper. I love a cherry Coke.

Sure. I love a regular Coke. Okay. That'd be probably my classic top three, but I love a root beer too. You? Allison? I love a premium root beer. Well, look, I like diet sodas.

I think we know this. Sure. So I like – I mean I've talked about and in fact I have one next to me. I think it's like kind of the number one thing I discuss on my show. Sure, yes. Refresh sparkling water beverage, wild cherry. You can get this at Vons or Pavilions. And are we counting a sparkling water beverage as a soda?

I think we should because if you taste it, it's got a lot of artificial flavor. Sure. Yeah. That's an artificially sweetened. It really is. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably taking-

That's like a clearly Canadian, like a generic clearly Canadian. Yes. It's like a clearly Canadian, like a generic clearly Canadian. Yes. It has no calories and no caffeine, but a lot of chemicals, which is what I like. Everyone's about LaCroix. I find LaCroix to be not sweet enough, although I will drink a LaCroix if the only other option is water. I also, sorry, Jesse, I like Diet 7-Up.

I like, do they still make Sierra Mist because I liked diet Sierra Mist oh I don't know I haven't seen a Sierra Mist in a while but I'm not looking I feel like it might have

gone the way of but I am looking sure yeah I like diet cream soda I see it all the times in the Miss Connections on Craigslist

oh Miss Connections that's good oh so good I Allison I'll tell you i'm gonna be honest with you about your beverage choice it's killing me no i support it entirely thank you i think that uh cherry generic artificially sweetened drink is both disgusting and one of my favorites i don't buy it because I think, like, this is...

Somehow this is probably poisoning me. It has that weird NutraSweet flavor. Like, it tastes like an artificial sweetened thing from 1977, 1981. Before they perfected it. Sure. But you know what? That shit is good.

I think so, too. Now, some of my... And I think the cherry flavor matches the gross artificial sweetener in a very nice way. They're very consonant together. They have a nice relationship. They really do. Some of my listeners, the more dedicated ones, went out in search of this drink so they could taste it. Now, these are people who are like they are bent there. Sorry, words are not happening for me right now.

We're basically just talking about Lothreeper here. No, I don't even think he would consider him. They call themselves hashtag Allison people. They have a predilection for liking everything. They're going to be pretty charitable to stuff I like. And one of them, and so I have to assume all of them, was like, it tastes like cough syrup. Yeah, that's what's good about it. So even people who want to like everything about me can't get behind the drink.

And I agree. It does taste like cough syrup. I like the taste of cough syrup. But I don't like the taste of cough syrup, but I do like this drink. It's weird. I am filled with contradictions. I feel like if you wanted me to drink a diet soda, and I don't like a diet soda, but Dr. Pepper, which naturally tastes like cough syrup, tastes good as a diet.

I think it tastes less good to my taste because I don't like diet soda that much, but it tastes relatively good as a diet because it already tastes like cough syrup. Yeah. It already has that weird medicinal flavor. And, you know, I like a Cherry Coke Zero as well. Coke Zero is pretty solid. Do you have any listeners left? No.

No, they're loving this. They're drinking it up like it was Dr. Slice. Bad news, Allison. We didn't have any to begin with. Okay. Well, as long as I didn't have any to begin with. Okay. Well, as long as I didn't drive them away with my soda talk. It was the three of us, Brian and Lothreeper.

Yeah. And you just alienated Lothreeper. I'm sorry. No, I love Lothreeper. I'm just saying I don't know if he would consider himself a hashtag Allison person, but if he would, I take it back. I love him, though. We have momentous occasions to get to here. We sure do. back. I love him, though.

We have momentous occasions to get to here. We sure do. When something momentous happens to you, you call us 206-984- 4-FUN is the telephone number and you should put it in your phone. [phone]-F-U-N. So you don't have to remember it. You don't have to remember it.

206-984-4-FUN. Like this person has. Oh, shit. Sorry for stealing your catchphrase, Dave Shumka. Go ahead and press play. Hey, guys. It's Ryan in Seattle. I was driving to work this morning, listening to a show, actually. And the guy in front of me in traffic looks like he's taken the passenger seat out of his car.

It's an old Subaru Outback. And his dog is sitting next to him like he's got a little platform. out of his car, uh, it's an old Subaru Outback, and, uh, his dog is sitting next to him, like, like he's got a little platform for the dog to ride, and they're both just, I don't know if he's going to work, but,

I kind of want whatever job he's got. I want that. Thanks, guys. Fucking awesome. Yeah, sure. If you're going to have an old... Custom dog car.

Number one, if you're going to have an obnoxious hippie car, you really can't do better than an old Subaru Outback. Sure. It's a great vehicle. It's a fucking high-quality-ass vehicle. No Volvo, but... Is that the ultimate hippie car, Volvo? No, I think a Subaru Outback has surpassed a Volvo.

Sturdy Volvo? I think it has surpassed a Volvo. I think a Volvo, you know, sure, 15 or 20 years ago, you would have said a Volvo. But at this point, you're looking at a Subaru Outback. Okay. So first of all, I just want to say they've chosen the right... I can find no fault in them choosing this vehicle. You know, I'm not that close to this culture myself.

It's not my chosen way of life. But I can't help but respect the Subaru Outback's fine vehicle. I myself had a Subaru Legacy wagon at one point. LSI. Leather seats, my friend. Okay. And a very leaky sunroof. Sounds like a nice package.

Driving back from Santa Cruz while water just dripped on my head. It was very difficult. That's when you want the leather seats. Oh, yeah. Wicks right off there. Yeah, exactly. And I have to say, you know, I'm a dog safety advocate. I think they should be in a dog area of the car so that they, you know, in case of an accident or something.

And also so they don't cause an accident. However, I can't find fault in a dog platform. Yeah, sure. I love a dog platform. You know, give it its moment in the sun. Hey, I wonder if a dog had a political platform. What would that be like? More bones, please.

You guys both went a different way with that. Also anti-immigrant. Yeah. America first. Woof, woof. America first. More bones, please. But also more bones, please.

Woof, woof. Back to the gold standard free silver okay oh boy free silver is the cat's position oh sure yeah trying to loosen monetary policy to help farmers Brian told us this is a two-parter so there might be is there's there's a shocking twist here,

isn't there? Let's hear this. I'm going to strap in. It was a ghost dog? Sure, yeah. Hey, it's Ryan in Seattle again. The dog just slipped down the visor on the passenger side.

Oh my god! I know we say this a lot on the show, but there's three parts to any magic trick. The promise, the turn, and the prestige. Oh, that's amazing. That's good.

I love it. Can I just say, inside my head right now, Celebration by Kool and the Gang is playing. Sure. Like, as soon as he said it, it was like, bop, bop, bop, bop, ba-da-da-da. Everybody's, like, having a party, like, after the home team just won the ball game. What a day, guys. What a day.

We're candied up. You know what? Laughing at a dog we've never seen. This is true. The world, you know, people say the world is full of fear. The world is full of hatred. And I can't say that's not true. Especially thanks to the great work Pol Pot did.

Yeah. But I have to say. What do you mean Peter Buck? But I have to say. What do you mean Peter Buck? I have to say that the world is also full of magic. Such as dogs with their own special platforms where a chair should be that flip down their own visor. Now, what kind of dog are you picturing?

One that's concerned with glare. Yeah. I'm picturing a lab, chocolate lab. Yeah. Yeah, that seems right. I mean, I had pictured kind of a bigger beagle. Sure. Oh, good.

I'm picturing a Great Dane, like a Scooby-Doo dog. Three different dogs, all great choices. You know, I think that something that really speaks to the durability of the American dream is that each of us can disagree on what type of dog this is. And, you know, there's a very bitter disagreement. There's no doubt about that. I'm angry. Pretty tense in here. I'm angry, yeah. Pretty tense.

But at the end of the day, I think we can all come together to agree that this dog sounds like it would be a great friend. Sure. Yes. I will meet you halfway there. Or all the way. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Is there a dog in a car at a bar on the street? Yay! I'm a leg laryngo, a small dog owner.

My dog, Pistachio, howls when she's excited. And I'm Renee Colvert, a big dog owner. My dog, Tugboat, tips over when he's sleepy. And we co-host a podcast called Can I Pet Your Dog that airs every Tuesday. We bring you all things dog. Yes, dog news, dog tech, dogs we met this week. We also have pretty famous guests on,

but legs. We're not going to let them talk about their projects. No, just want to hear about those dogs. We don't want to hear about your stuff, only your dogs. So join us every Tuesday on MaxFun. Thank you so much to the over 28,000 members who joined or upgraded during the 2018 Max Fund Drive and to all of our monthly members.

You showed up in full force to help us reach our goal and to show our appreciation for putting up this year's batch of Max Fund Drive exclusive enamel pins on sale for all $10 and up monthly members. And just like last year, we're giving all the profits to charity. For 2018, we're supporting the National Immigration Law Center. The sale will run from May 18 through May 28, so don't miss it. $10 and up monthly members will be receiving personalized code and instructions to purchase pins on May 17. So keep your inbox open and notifications on. For more details, head over to MaximumFun.org slash pins.

And to learn more about the National Immigration Law Center and support them directly, you can go to NILC.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I just got your new book, Tropical Attire, encouraged in my hands. That's right. I'm excited to read my friend Allison Rosen's great new book. Thank you. I have to say, it reminds me of one of the worst nightmares of my life, which was when my cousins got married and I had to deal with the dress code, Calypso Casual. Oh, my God.

You could have written my book. I know. Tell us what the title is a reference to. Tropical Attire Encouraged and Other Phrases That Scare Me. I was invited to a party. It was like a tiki-themed party. Sure. And the invite said Tropical Attire Encouraged.

Henceforth, I did not go. I want to be the kind of person who'd be like, no problem, I will go. But it turned into a problem. I could not go. I liked that it said tropical attire encouraged, like it wasn't tropical attire enforced. However, I also knew that if I showed up in a sweater and jeans, I would be the only one and all night people would be like, aren't you hot? And I would have to pretend I wasn't even though I was. So it's just, it's sort of the title essay kind of goes into just body image stuff and also like social anxiety. And cause I want to be invited to everything. I just don't, I find myself not going often.

Sure. Although this weekend I did go to a party and I feel like the whole reason I went was just to be like, if you invite me, I will come sometime. Sure. Everyone here, invite me to your next thing. I might show up. That's right. How was it?

How was the party? The one that I went to, it was down in Orange County, so it took forever to get there. Sure, yeah. But I was really happy that I had gone. It was really fun. And it was just a reminder that, like, yeah. If you hadn't gone, you wouldn't have gotten to meet No Dou that's right that's for or sublime it was a long time ago or

claim jumper yeah so uh yeah it's a reminder that as humans we are meant to be social sometimes tropical entire encouraged tropical attire encouraged. Tropical attire encouraged. It was actually Maria Menounos' party. I'm going to name names. Yeah. You know, when I was a guest on your podcast, Maria Menounos broke in being professional and famous, busted in on me, left me in the dust. I was, no.

I was in there, hey, what am I, chopped liver? Oh yes, I am, compared to Maria Menounos. No. I was trying to remember why, because I don't normally have a guest

and then have a phone guest. Because Maria Menounos was calling. There was something specific she was promoting, I think. I think she just called. It was an unusual, maybe. I think

Menounos called, and what are you going to do? Not take the call? You can't. You gotta take the call. If Menounos called right now, what would we do? We'd say, sorry, Allison, Menounos is on the line. And I'd be like, well, turnabout is fair play. But we're not friends with Menounos, and you are. Well, so I

was a little, I wondered how she would feel. We're friends with mary hart no i fucked john tesh once about as close as i get a little bit of your classic round ball rock anyway yeah i wondered how she would feel knowing that she had inspired the title story but she's like exceedingly cool with it. Oh, good. Yeah. That's a fun Easter egg.

You know what? Here's the thing. If you're going to have a tropical attire-encouraged party, of course you're fucking chill about it. Right. That's the whole thing. Fucking none of these parrot heads are giving us trouble. They're kicking back and relaxing.

They're having a cheeseburger in paradise, baby. Five o'clock somewhere. You got it. That's right. So my husband did the illustrations in the book. Yes. And the one that goes with this story is based on a photo that I put on Instagram from another one of Maria Menounos' parties. By the way, I love Maria.

It's not like she and I are besties, though. But sometimes I get invited to her parties. I dated Mary Hart for a while in the 70s, but it was a mutual thing that we broke up, and we're very good friends now. We're very good friends now. No, I get that. Her husband Frank and I are good friends.

We go golfing. It's a whole thing. So I am also really relaxed about my relationship with Mary Hart. But we're a little closer than you are with me. That sounds like it. Yeah. I hope to one day. But so anyway.

And Jordan is kind of her side piece. Sure. Yeah. Her and Frank are very progressive. Yeah. I mean, cheeseburger in paradise, baby. Sure. As Mary Hart famously said.

These entertainment news people, they can be kind of middle of the road on air, but off air, no idea. Choo-choo, yeah. Trains coming into the station. Yeah, right. Did I ever talk on this show about the college roommate that Teresa had, or housemate that Teresa had, who, when she was having

sex, her boyfriend would say, the train's coming into the station! Oh, no. Everyone in the building could hear that. How did she stay with him? I know. It's truly incredible. Could they still be together?

She was not well-liked in the house for that reason. Yeah. That was too much for everyone to bear. It's a lot. I feel assaulted just having heard it. Menounos would never do that to you. No. So anyway, Menounos posted some photos

from this party she had of her and her fellow skinny, tan, blonde, fashionable friends. And then if you look in the very back, like the tiny margin, you just see this figure with black hair,

dressed in all black, looking uncomfortable. So I posted that photo and I put a red arrow pointing to myself. And I, once again, I just touched the microphone. It's really as if I've never done this. I'm all flustered. I have such a crush on both of you.

You're fine. Okay. Anyway, and I said. It's five o'clock somewhere, okay? All right. My vibes need to get chiller. Anyway, I said I am effortlessly social and always the center of attention on that photo. So then he did an illustration of that photo, and that's in the book.

And you can see. Can I suggest something for you to do in that situation at parties? I don't know. Maybe it's something you're already doing, but it kind of helps to have something to do when you're standing there alone. So you look like you're doing something on purpose rather than just wishing that you were talking to someone. Not sure how to do it. Do some vaping. Oh, that's cool. I thought you were going to someone, not sure how to do it, do some vaping. Oh, that's cool.

I thought you were going to say the yummy dance. Both are good ideas. Yeah. I mean, my kids usually vape while they do. Did I mention that? No, you didn't. Again, I don't know a lot about child development. It seems like it's too early to vape.

No. Pediatricians are undecided on that at this point so it's two years old for screen time right uh but vaping there's a lot of disagree in uh happiest baby on the block they say you should wait for six months before you get them a sweet and i mean what's nice is the kids the grandparents all pitched in this year at christmas they already had the rigs but they got some fucking gargantuan tanks. So they never run out of juice. Yeah, you hate to run out of juice.

It's cotton candy flavored. I'm going to do it. I'm going to hook myself up with a sweet rig for future parties. Plus some fat clouds. Yeah, and then feel out of place again. Whereas before, people were like, that person appears to be an unchill raven haired person who is not at all fitting into our Orange County lifestyle. Right. Now they're going to be like, who's that intriguing fat cloud floater?

Sure. Oh, those clouds are fat. They'll say, what's behind all those clouds? Right. Someone who surfs, clearly. Yeah, sure. Perfumed air, they'll say. What's behind all those clouds? Right. Someone who surfs, clearly. There's sweet perfumed air, they'll say. It's actually just a water vapor. It's a harmless vapor.

Oh, yeah. It's a harmless water vapor. That's what vaping is. Anyway. Do vape pens still sound like this? No, they don't sound like it. I'm doing it. That's a really poor impression.

That sounded like a bong. But I just remember a friend of mine created a vape pen company. He's like a tech guy. And so he was vaping indoors before I'd seen anyone do that. But it made like a ticking sound. A real cutting edge vapor. Yeah, he really was on the bleeding edge of vaping indoors before I'd seen anyone do that. But it made like a ticking sound. A real cutting edge vapor. Yeah, he really was on the bleeding edge of vaping. But it made like a ticking sound almost.

Yeah, I think I will. I mean, I'll hit a weed vape from time to time. And that's a soundless process. Now, my weed vaping machine is so designed that it will buzz when you have enough. Oh, is that the dosist? Yeah. I was just learning about that. Yeah.

I want to get – I got to hook myself up with the one for sleep. They gave me that because I'm an idiot who had never done drugs before. So like don't worry. Even idiots who have never done drugs before can have one of these. And then I blow some really fat clouds. I believe it. The clouds I blow are really like – it's mostly just me in my basement office at my house. But the clouds are really impressive.

And this is for migraines or just for general chill vibes? This is for migraines and general chill vibes, I would say. Allison, where are we getting tropical attire encouraged? Go to AllisonRosen.com. Yes. Tropical Attire Encouraged. Go to AllisonRosen.com and then you'll be there and you'll be like,

I can't help but click on something to buy this book. Or just go to Amazon. Great. Probably like a link. A link. A hyper link. Right when you get there,

it's on the slider, it's on the sidebar, it's on the top where it says news. I mean, it's just all over my website. You can't miss this thing. You can't miss it. Allison, it's a joy to have you on this program every time you come to visit us.

I love coming to visit you. If anybody hasn't heard, Allison Rosen's your new best friend. Allison's smash hit podcast. Why not check in with one of the many episodes that Jordan has been a guest on? Do it. It's a lot of fun. Don't listen to my episode. It's all Menounos stuff. No. It's just a bunch of Menounos.

Some Menounos. I am starting a a bunch of menounos some menounos yeah i am i am starting a new show with mary hart though about alternative lifestyles um yes allison's podcast is a blast i think if you like this show you will like her show which is a better version no you will like the better one professional like if an entertainer like a professional, like a skilled entertainer who thought of things to do. It's a blast. If you do not listen to it, do yourself a solid. Brian Fernandez is on the boards for us this week. Our producer, Sonny D, he's the one you hear laughing through the window occasionally.

I heard him clapping outside the studio, which he definitely has to have control over doing that. I mean, I'm willing to grant that his laughs are involuntary, but he's disturbing the show by clapping into the window. We've got to professionalize this operation. Nah. Brian's dead weight. Let's get Rosen on board. Sure. Let's bring in Mary Hart. She's got some. He's kind of gross. Let's get Rosen on board. Sure.

Let's bring in Mary Hart. She's got some engineering skills. She sounds great. She's old school when you had to do everything. Cut your own tape. Right, sure. You know? She used to cut her podcast with a razor.

Wow. Wow. You know, reel to reel, cut it with a razor, distribute it on audio cassette. Door to door yeah like a like a fuller brush man

yeah I don't know sleep in the barn yeah that's the life man traveling podcast salesman just don't fuck that farmer's daughter no

whatever you do you can find us on reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com you can find us on facebook at MaximumFun.reddit.com You can find us on Facebook where you can like Jordan Jesse Go. We're on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. Allison Rosen is on Twitter at Allison Rosen.

That's right. Instagram at Allison Rosen. So you can find her awkward party snaps there. That's right. And pictures of my dog and my baby. And sometimes me. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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