Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 532: Mama Roach with Allie Goertz

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

Podcaster, musician, and writer Allie Goertz joins Jordan and Jesse and they get into Allie's recent visit to an Austin Powers themed bar called Electric Pussycat, the new song Jordan sang to his cat Bug, what it takes to be Jesse's favorite comic book store, and the abundance of superhero statues at the MAD Magazine headquarters.   

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. What a beautiful day it is here in Southern California. Mm-hmm. Clear, crisp. No, sorry, it actually is not. Now that I say that out loud.

Yeah. I committed to the conceit. How would you not. Now that I say that out loud. Yeah. I committed to the conceit. How would you describe the weather? I was yes-anding myself. Basically what happened is I started the show by spacing out a little bit. And then I would describe the weather as perplexing and hazy. Yeah, sure. A little muggy even.

Yeah. It's a very odd, like it's not hot. But it's warmer than you'd like it to be, given that it's not cool. You know what I mean? Yeah. In other words, clear, crisp. It's one of those days when you put on a sweatshirt and you're a little too hot.

Sure. You take off your sweatshirt, you're a little too cold. How are you feeling right now? Let's check in. You're wearing a t-shirt. I still have my sweater on. It'll probably come off at some time during the record. Here's hoping.

Fingers crossed. Yeah. It's getting hot in here. Take off all your clothes. Alright. Yeah, I've never done a dick out podcast. It's about time. What do you think? The fans demand it. Do you think

that was the reaction that Nelly was going for when he wrote that song? It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes. The reaction he was hoping for the reaction. Yeah, all right. Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, Nelly. Yeah, sure, Nelly.

You've never led me astray before. Well, except for that period where I wore a tiny Band-Aid on my face. Oh, yeah, sure. And he also sold me a bogus timeshare. Oh, gosh. A lot of downsides here for Nelly. You know what? You know what?

What? I'm not going to take off all my clothes. Nope. Because Nelly is an untrustworthy character. I'm only taking off all my clothes if Murphy Lee asks me or one of the other Saint Lunatics. Do they have a popular take off your clothes song? No, that's the rest of Nelly's group. Oh, okay.

There's one guy who I think wore catcher's equipment. One guy wore a Phantom of the Opera mask. Maybe it was a hockey mask. Oh, so do you think his take off all your clothes was a kind of reaction to maybe what he saw as gimmickry? Oh, like the guys, like his hype men were wearing too many costume elements. Sure. It's like it should be about the jams. It shouldn't be about who's dressed like a classic universal monster.

He actually wrote it after going to a GWAR concert. Sure. He's like, you don't need this gimmickry. These songs rock. Yeah. Yeah, right. Exactly. Just sing songs about sex with an alien fish.

You don't need to look like an alien fish. It's about the metal. Yeah. You know, I'm feeling good in this T-shirt. And you know why else I'm feeling good, Jordan? Mm-hmm. Wearing a moccasin. Oh, metal. Yeah. You know, I'm feeling good in this t-shirt. And you know what else I'm feeling good, Jordan? Mm-hmm. Wearing a moccasin. Oh, yeah.

Fun. I went to the flea market this morning. Mm-hmm. And you know what they say about finding a pair of moccasins in your size? Hmm. You're never going to find them again. Oh, yeah? Yes, you've got to buy them right there and then.

Are you hard to fit when it comes to a moccasin? No, but you just don't see a lot of moccasins out there. Sure. You know, unless you're a mainer. My feet are two different sizes. Really? So a little hard for me to branch out in the shoe category. How different of sizes are they? A whole size.

Really? Yeah. Holy cow. Seven and a half and eight and a half. We gotta get you some nice moccasins. Yeah. I don't think so. No thanks. Yeah, it's not your aesthetic. Nah. I don't have a moccasin vibe. Yeah, let's stick with the Vans.

But to be fair, neither do you. Okay, fair point. Yeah. Our guest on this week's program, she is the co-host of the Smash It podcast, Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. She is an editor at Mad Magazine. Maybe you've heard of it. Yeah. She is a charming singer of light song on the internet, Allie Gertz.

Hi. It was really hard to not jump in on that weather conversation. Yeah. I have so many opinions. Do you want us to go back? Do you want us to set you up for something? You know, it's in the past and I try not to live there. Allie, you're wearing a cat sock today.

I can't help but notice. I'm wearing two cat socks. One for each foot. One for each of my cats. Shout out to each. Faraday and Ginsburg, if you're listening. Yeah. We are.

Mom, we prefer Joe Rogan. The bird landing was fake. They always say the darndest things. We're interested in punching. But yeah, I put these on because I knew that I'd be seeing Jordan, and Jordan and I share a love of cats, and it was the least I could do. It's a fun thing to talk about. It's wonderful. What did your cat do? Show's a fun thing to talk about. It's wonderful.

What did your cat do? Show me the latest picture of your cat. It's a real finger in my eye. You can talk about what your dogs did. My dogs don't really do anything besides bark annoyingly. Yeah. But they're so much better than cats. Mm-hmm. Yes.

We found a dog at the office this week. Oh, yeah? I mean, not in the office. Right. That just sounds like an insult. He had been working here for six years. He'd been promoted. Yeah, it's our colleague Danny.

Oh, he's been a dog this whole time? This whole time. He looks like a small Filipino-American man. Turns out he's a shepherd mix. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Good boy. Turns out he's a shepherd mix. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Good boy. Yeah, he is a good boy.

Laura Swisher, who's been a guest on this show, the senior producer at Max Fun, was hanging out at MacArthur Park, the park immediately outside our office here in Los Angeles. And a little dog came up to her and ended up jumping on her lap. That's nice. This dog came into the office. This dog has no tags. She kind of hung out there for a while with the dog in case someone was going to come up and claim it. We had a new dog around here. It went home with Bikram.

Oh, yeah? Our managing director. So the dog belongs to him now? Yeah. I mean, I think they're putting. So the dog belongs to him now? Yeah. I mean, I think they're putting up a few flyers in the park in case. Sure. But I'm going to say that this dog did not have a family. If this dog had a family, it had been living on the street for a while,

although it was healthy. Mm-hmm. But an amazing, like one of those big-eyed dogs. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Like a boxer chihuahua, maybe it was. Something like that. Is.

I just feel like you're trying to get a bad tattoo. Like, one of those big-eyed dogs. Like, put it on my arm. No, not one of those. Oh, well. I made up a new song to sing to the cat today. Oh, really? Because, guys. For regular listeners. Sure. I made up a new song to sing to the cat today. Oh, really? Because guys...

For regular listeners, you live alone with your cat, Bob. Sure, as the story might suggest. Connect those dots. And Allie isn't the only songstress here. No, uh-uh. I'm also a songstress. Noted songstress. You're more of a songbird. Mm-hmm.

And you love to sing to and with your cat, Bug. With? No, no, to. You guys don't do Steely Dan harmonies? Oh, man, I wish. Singing Peg all the time together? Right. I claimed the alto part.

Bug gets bored if they're under a lot of weird chord changes. Right, sure. Bug's like, give me more jazz changes. Right. But guys, she slept all day. Very lazy today. Oh, God. Get it together.

Tonight's going to get wild. Huh? Tonight's going to be wild. Yeah, there's going to be a lot of scampering tonight. Maybe chasing a dime around the floor. Is this why you can't go to the Austin Powers bar with me? It is. I'm anticipating.

I'm anticipating. I'd love to, Allie, but. Oh, boy. It's going to be a late night. I'd love to, but I'm conserving my dignity for a night with my cat. Right. And going to the Tim Burton bar, which actually exists. It does.

Sleeping all day. So I went up to her and I'm all, everybody's sleeping on the duvet. Everybody loves a little nap. Meow. Oh, yeah. I guess there are no cat specifics in the song as it is. So that meow probably helps. That could be for you.

Now, Allie, you did go to an austin powers themed bar this weekend right thank you yes yes tell us about this is like a this is a weird like this is like a a real phenomenon this year around la is the like themed pop-up bar that exists to be instagrammed yes it's something um it something that is, I guess I can't say near and dear. It's not like it comes from my past. Sure. But it's something that has become something I really look forward to. And it is-

It's a real touchstone for you. I presume that I'll tell future children and grandchildren all about the wild days of visiting bars at 7 p.m. and leaving around 8. By the way, I'm opening one of these theme bars that's Touchstone themed. It's adult-oriented Disney films. I love that. So I went there for a friend's birthday and I don't really even know the friend. I was just so excited to have a reason to go.

And I have to tell you, it's a very good, they did a great job of all the details. What kind of place is it in? It is across from the Glendale Galleria in Glendale, California. Okay. So Glendale is a somewhat – this is the town that my father spent his teenage years in. It is now a somewhat anonymous Southern California suburb. Right. It's mostly like you could – they have like a strip where you could like get a BMW and like have some Indian food and then get a different type of car and then go to an Austin Powers bar. Yeah.

There are a lot of – its main distinguishing features – You can do three things. Yeah. Its main distinguishing features are a very large mall. Correct. Across from a smaller mall. Yeah. The Americana at Brand and the Glendale Galleria.

Yeah. Okay. It is just occurring to me now that those are separate malls. They're separate malls. I thought – I was using – I always think I was calling everything the Galleria interchangeably. Yeah. But a lot of times when I was talking about the Galleria, I was talking about the brand. Oh, my God.

The Americana at Brand? The Americana at Brand. Got it. At the Brand. Oh, boy. Okay. I think it's just at Brand. It's at the Brand. The Brand? Yeah. Oh, my God. Got it. At the brand. Oh, boy. Okay. I think it's just at brand. It's at the brand.

The brand? Yeah. Oh, my God. What is the brand? Okay. Hard to say. I think it's brand because it's on Brand Boulevard in Glendale. Either way.

The other distinguishing characteristic is it is the home of the most Armenian Americans of any city in the United States. So you can get good Armenian food there. You can. Yeah, absolutely. You cannot get good Armenian food at the Austin Powers themed bar, I hate to tell you. But they do have vegan options, which is very exciting for me. Actually, I took a picture. You can get soup dumplings at the Americana brand, which is very exciting.

Let me pull up some pictures to list the names of their themed drinks because it was pretty fun. Yes. But I will tell you. So is it – was it – is the space – is the space – was it just like an abandoned bar? You say it's a pop-up bar. I think I'm praying that this stays a real bar much like the Beetlejuice-themed bar. I think that this might be here to stay because the amount of – You say that as though I understand the analogy to the Beetlejuice bar. I think that this might be here to stay because the amount of... You say that as though I understand the analogy to the

Beetlejuice bar. The Beetlejuice bar opened as a pop-up but then became permanent? Yeah, I think that's what is happening with the... I guess probably so many people said Beetlejuice in the process. Yeah. So, okay. To answer your question, it is a pop-up

bar for now. And it seems like it's going to live forever, which is baffling because why is there an Austin Powers – Just like the Austin Powers movie. Is there going to be a fourth one? Like I'm wondering why they're doing this. Just as beloved as ever, the Austin Powers movies. Do you get the impression that it is official because there's like – Yes, we do.

There's the Star Wars bar, Scum and Villainy, takes great strides to be just legally dissimilar enough from Star Wars. They played the Austin Powers music the entire time. Okay. They have an Austin Powers lookalike. They have everything from the movie. All of the drinks are from it. And Jack Nicholson showed up last night. Wow.

Yeah. Did he think it was a Lakers game? I sadly left moments before he arrived. I checked Instagram and almost as soon as I got into my car, I was just like, Jack Nicholson just showed up. Hashtag Jack Nicholson. That's because you were following Jack Nicholson on Instagram. Okay.

So some of these drinks. Great stories. He heard the pussy was amazing. Sure. Wow. Is that a reference to? That's the only reason Jack Nicholson goes anywhere. Oh, so some of these drinks. Great stories. He heard the pussy was amazing. Sure. Wow. Is that a reference to? That's the only reason Jack Nicholson goes anywhere. Oh, okay.

Is that a reference to something? No, it's just that Jack Nicholson is a notoriously sexual monster. Oh, okay, okay. Anyway. I thought that was like a catchphrase for one of his movies that I had not seen. I think it's from As Good As It Gets. Oh, As Good As It Gets. Instead of Here's Johnny. Sure. Here's the pussy being good that I had not seen. I think it's from As Good As It Gets. Oh, As Good As It Gets. Instead of Here's Johnny.

Sure. Here's the pussy being good. I don't know. But some of these drinks- They had to change that to prevent it from being an NC-17. Yes. So these drinks probably only will mean something to you if you actually love the franchise, which I do.

Sure. Have you, Allie, have you seen the Austin Powers movies recently? The first one, yeah. And I love it a lot. I really think it holds up even with Me Too lenses. Even with the kind of like, well, that's a little, that's going to be problematic. Because I watched 40-Year-Old Virgin now on Netflix. And I was like, oh, I'm curious to see how bad it is.

Because we all remember like the, you know how I know you're gay scene. Right, sure. And, you know, there were a couple things here and there that were kind of touchy, but like Austin Powers, pretty solid. I will never watch number two or number three again, I don't think. I'd like to preserve it in my brain as being pretty fun. But some of these drinks are the Fook You, which was one of the names of the twins. You have Liquid Hot Magma Shot.

I'm Spent, which is really just a Negroni. Sure. Man of Mystery, Mrs. Kensington. My Mojo's Back Bowl. What's in that bowl? Acai berries? Well, it starts with, he's back, baby, yeah. Drink Austin's Mojo with your mates in this huge, heavy-poured gin and Pimms-flavored bowl.

Balanced with danger and the essence of sweet love. This is Austin in a glass nutshell. What does that mean? In what way is this bar themed Austin Power themed? So we've got the music. Yes.

Is it like it's from the 60s? Every single thing about it looks like you are in the club that they dance at. The place is called the Electric Pussycat. Okay. And so they have so – Now I can see why Jack Nicholson was confused.

Yeah. This is a misleading sign. Exactly. That was really good. Thank you. I had my – I had put my hand on my forehead and I pulled my hairline back. It really helped. You should work that into your act.

Can I give you a setup for it? Sure. What would it sound like if Jack Nicholson was misled by a sign? Oh, sure. I think it would sound a little bit like this. Yeah. Hey, man, that's a misleading sign. Why are you skateboarding?

This is a confusing bit. One more drink I want to share. That's his hook. Mitzi said he had to have a hook. So the one that the people ordered the most was a lot of vagina. And it says, do what it takes

and get this vagina. Tequila and Grand Mariner mixed with sour and cranberry have the flavors you need for this mission. Mixed with jalapenos for that judo chop. I have to tell you, I love all of this. Which one did you have? I had the Negroni, which is called I'm Spent. Let's see if they said anything fun.

You know, they kind of just keep what it is. The perfect amounts of bourbon, Campari, and sweet vermouth thrust inside a glass and getting all stirred up for your pleasure with a smell of citrus everywhere. But then it says, oh, behave. Just in case you forgot. Now, you are a professional, a high-quality professional parodist, right? You're in the Mad Magazine business. Yes. That's what you do all day at work.

It's all I do. Did you have an uncontrollable urge to punch up this copy? I really take it exactly as it is. Like, I am a very genuine, sincere lover of things, and I love the mall and the other mall. I like them exactly as they are. You can't change people or, like, malls or— You love the Galleria and the Americana? I like them both.

I think the Americana, in my opinion, is designed as a repudiation of the Galleria. I thought they were the same. It's a real finger in the eye. As many people say in 2018, not just me twice in this segment. I was wondering what the deal was. So I actually really like it as is because I just like to imagine, like, who did this? Like, who did they hire to do this? And regardless. I mean, a imagine who did this? Who did they hire to do this?

A sad social media consultant? Most likely. I was going to say Bruce Valanche. Being at an Austin Powers bar which is very fun and very much up my alley but not really knowing people and finding myself very alone sitting in a corner while

these songs from the movie are playing made me a new level of sad that I've never been in my life. It was a sadness I didn't know existed. I went over to somebody and I really desperately and I'm I would say that over the years I've become a very outgoing very sociable person but every now and again you find yourself in a situation and sometimes it will surprise you like an Austin Powers bar and you'll you'll try to make a friend I'll be like oh hi I just want to say I'm Allie nice to meet you how do you know so-and-so and they're just like uh-huh and then moved away from me and I was just like well I'll just Instagram story this in the corner and make

everyone think I'm having a great time um yeah and that is that is a thing about these kind of like, you know, pop up the experience type places that I am curious about them. But going to one alone just seems like profoundly upsetting. It was. Yeah. Now, let me let me ask you this. You know, the movie has a certain tone, and I think that things that are heavily themed like that kind of give people a little bit of an excuse to kind of cut loose in a different way or to kind of play a character a little bit because it is kind of like theater almost. Or even a variety of characters. Sure, exactly.

Yeah. Showcasing their three or four voices. Would you say it was making people horny, baby? Was there a horniness in the bar? Was Nicholson right or wrong? Yeah, sure. It was pretty shagadelic. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know, I tweeted a video of me kind of sitting sadly in a corner saying, it's like, I'm extremely depressed here. Does that make you horny, baby? But there was a moment when I was closing out my tab that I was kind of like, if I really dedicated myself to staying here for three more hours,

I bet it could become the most fun night of my life. But instead I decided to not do that and to go home, which I think was right. But everyone there was a huge nerd because they were doing it ironically. But then as the night progressed, I would see more and more bros kind of finding themselves in there and being really excited by the go-go dancers. People who got really hyped up by the Armenian wedding they were just at and want to keep it rolling. They want to keep it rolling.

So I think it was about to become horny just in time for me to leave. it was about to become horny just in time for me to leave. It's like if I eat six soup dumplings, it's uncontrollably irredeemably horny. Yes. Just terrifyingly horny. Because how do they get the soup inside the dumpling?

I don't even know. I couldn't tell you. Now you say they played music from the Austin Powers soundtrack. Did they play that really kick-ass Beyonce song from the Austin Powers 2 soundtrack? Is that the one Beyonce's in? I think she's in the third one. Austin Powers 3.

There's a kick-ass Beyonce solo single. It was one of her first solo singles. They did. Because they would branch out from the Austin Powers, and then they would do some songs from Smash Mouth. Oh, yeah, sure. I'm sure you can guess which ones. Yeah.

Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Well, some of the reviews, you should actually read the reviews. That's pretty fun because a lot of people are just like, wow, what a really fun idea. We had a really nice time. And then there are other people just like, they didn't stay in the brief window in which this movie could have taken place. And they started playing dubstep and other songs and really took me out of the element. And I guess so Austin Powers is a time-traveling movie.

Which is something I don't think we talk about enough. As a culture. Is the bar – because Austin Powers gets frozen in the 60s and he wakes up in the 90s and he's a relic. Different social mores. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is the bar set in the 60s or is the bar – The bar is the 60s.

Okay. Can I tell you my absolute – The bar was like 1999. My favorite scene in all of Austin Powers and it really emphasizes the kind of fish out of water thing. Austin Powers riding the bus. He's in the back of that Muni bus and there's that punk rock guy listening to punk rock music. Star Trek 4. And then he reaches over and he gives

him the Austin Powers death grip. The guy just crumples and then everybody on the bus applauds. Star Trek 4. Star Trek 4. I think that's Austin Powers. I'm pretty sure it's Star Trek 4. It might have been Austin Powers 2. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right.

The spy who shagged me. The spy who shagged me. I had a little bit of a sad moment within a good hang this weekend. I went to see a band with some friends who are like they all have like young kids. So them doing something is rare. So I will go see a band that I am not nuts about because I like hanging out with these friends so much. And it's not, you know, I'm not seeing. You're a hero.

I am. Thank you. Thank you. Brian, insert some applause, please. Insert the applause for my sacrifice. So I'm hanging out with these friends. We're having a nice time. And my buddy Brad kind of gives me a little tap on the shoulder kind of mid-band. Are you sure this wasn't your stepdad, Brad? A man can know two Brads.

A man can know two Brads. I don't want to live in a world where a man can't know two Brads. My son is also named Brad. That's funny. It's very funny. It's very funny. One of, if not the funniest show ever. So, yes.

I guess I maybe even have more brads in my life than most. If we were all three to tally up our brads, I might have the most. There was a brad at my elementary school. There has not been a brad in my life since. Really? Just the one? Yeah, maybe was Brad the name of the neighbor on Married with Children? I don't think you get to count him.

I felt like he was my friend. You're thinking of Jefferson. Jefferson Darcy. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm lousy with brads. I am heavy, heavy with brads oh you should use a medicated shampoo yeah like a head and shoulders

like a like a selsun like a nix try a nix my buddy Brad gives me a little tap and he kind of gestures down near his pocket he gives me like a like hey he kind of gestures down near his pocket. He gives me like a hey, check out

my pocket area. Did we get to guess what was in there? I might ruin the punchline. But here, how about this? Because I think you have a funny guess. I don't want it to step on the punchline so let me tell the rest of the story and then I'll retell it and then you can do the guess. And then I think everybody will have fun.

And then Ellie, if you want me to reset you for something, I'm happy to. So he kind of gestures down by his pocket and he has a little like Ziploc baggie and with like capsules in it. I can see like the shape of a capsule. And I was like, oh, I didn't know it was going to be one of these. All right. I don't know it was going to be one of these. All right. I don't know. I don't know if I have anything to do tomorrow.

And I'm like weighing in my head. I'm like, oh, boy, do I want to make it one of these? And then I look a little closer and he's offering me earplugs. So anyway, I'm 36. Okay, so let me do it again. Yeah. So he gestures down by his pocket and... In there, there's a baby kangaroo or Joey.

That's good. That's cute. Isn't that cute? I like that. Yeah, because he's a marsupial. That's right. That's nice. Kangaroo Brad.

Old Kanga Brad. Yeah, sure. You got to come up with a name for all your different Brads. So you got Kanga Brad. Yeah, sure. You got to come up with a name for all your different Brads. So you got Kangaroo Brad. He's called that because part of the gestational period of the young happens in a pocket. I know. Largely at concerts. But yes, I think like you, Allie, I was in bed by like 11.45.

Yeah. Yeah. What other Brads have you got? You know Bradford Evans? Bradford Evans.45. Yeah. Yeah. What other brands have you got? Oh. You know Bradford Evans? Bradford Evans. Comedy favorite Bradford Evans. My stepdad.

Oh. Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper. I'm pretty close with Bradley Cooper. There you go. That's a pretty good one. Close is strong. We only slept together once. Sure.

But it was great. It's a tell. Yeah. What? What? If you slept with Bradley Cooper, would you not tell? I wouldn't want to ruin it from happening again. Well, it's not going to happen again, let me tell you.

We did not leave one. Okay. Let me just say it was nice while it was happening, but the next morning. Right. Okay. I'm making fried eggs. Sure. Which I love to do.

Turns out he's vegan. I know that story. Sure, yeah. So anyway, I sort of torpedoed my chances. Why did he have the eggs? And I'm also happily married. Well, not that you are happily married. That's not what that was supposed to sound like.

Why does a vegan man have eggs on hand? I had brought the eggs with me. That was part of the thing. He felt like I was personally insulting him. Hey, egg boy. Get over here and fuck me. It's me, Rocket Raccoon. He's doing the Rocket Raccoon voice.

What proportion of his sexual activities do you think involved rocket i mean probably what they based the character on sure it was just a film executive was fucking bradley cooper bradley cooper was going i'm not a raccoon sure i'm a little talking raccoon with laser guns. I think that is what happened. And then he found out. I should fold this into my new project with the guy from Parks and Recreation. Kids will love it.

Right. And then, of course, we all know that Bradley Cooper isn't to gruiting. Untitled space cassette movie. Right. That's what it was called at the time. Oh, yeah. They hadn't figured it all out. So, yeah.

So what do we have in the pop-up landscape these days? We have the Austin Powers Bar. We have the Beetlejuice Bar. There was a really fun Twin Peaks pop-up bar. There was a pop-up Stan Mikita's Donuts from Wayne's World. Oh, fuck. And that was the best thing in the world. I'd fucking go to that.

It was sadly only there for two days, and it was at the Staples Center. That sounds terrible all around. It was very, you know, it breaks my heart when they don't do a great job. They did pretty well, but it was very sponsored, which can work because they make fun of sponsorship in a very funny way in Wayne's World. If they just lean into it, it works. Sure, yeah. Give people some new print it, it works. Sure, yeah. Give people some new print on the way out.

Right, exactly. Or was it sponsored by Dana Carvey's agent? They had like a Volkswagen that you would get in with an iPad and take pictures in in order to go inside. Like you couldn't get inside unless you did like one of their photo ops. And it was just a little cheesy and they wouldn't let you buy anything cool there. go inside. You couldn't get inside unless you did one of their photo ops. It was just a little cheesy and they wouldn't let you buy anything cool there. Was it a Volkswagen Pinto at least? I couldn't tell you.

It might have been a Gremlin. Was the Garth Mobile, the Mirth Mobile, was that a Gremlin? I think it was an AMC Gremlin. Yeah. It was fine. Right afterwards I went to one of, it was like the protest that was going on, this is back in the day, it was fine. Right afterwards, I went to one of – it was like the protest that was going on.

This is back in the day at the airport. Remember, they were at all those airports? Oh, sure. Yes. So I went dressed as Wayne from Wayne's Rules. And I had a sign that says – That's nice. You made a day out of it. I did. And I had a sign that says, Trump blows goats. I have proof.

And it was really very fun for a while until I get there. And, like, you remember why this is happening. And this really sweet Muslim lady who doesn't read English saw my sign, not knowing what it said, and thanked me and cried because I was such a nice person and I kept – I felt awful. I was just like, no, no. I mean you earned that feeling. I was making a joke of something really important and beautiful. Sure. I mean, you earned that feeling. I was making a joke of something really important and beautiful. Sure. I'm awful.

So, you know, I toned down the costume the next time that I dressed up as a bit. But it was – The next major emotional protest that you went to. I held in the yeah babies when I dressed as Austin. You kept the wig and the glasses and stuff. But my jeans had zero holes in them. It was like a Sunday afternoon. Okay, so aside

from that, I'm trying to think of what other themed bars there are. There are a lot of themed burlesque nights, but in terms of bars, well, there was an Alice in Wonderland one that we almost went to. Just the Tim Burton. Oh, yeah. And it was kind of far away. It was Tim an Alice in Wonderland one that we almost went to, just the Tim Burton. Oh, yeah.

And it was kind of far away. It was Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland themed? Yeah, yes. Huh. I think they – I mean I think theming something based on Tim Burton is just such a like – I mean if you're going to theme something, like aim it at nerdy goths, I think. I agree. Because they'll go to something. They love to spend money. They sure do. A lot of disposable income. Like how they go to that special thing at Disneyland.

Yeah, sure. Goths mobilize in a way that I think non-goths don't. And I like that about them. Are there a lot of goth podcasts? Do you guys have one on the MaxFun? We don't have any gothic podcasts at all. Well, maybe you should look into it. I feel like that's the future. Yeah. I hate to tell you how to do your

job. The future is gothic? Yeah. Allie Gertz? Allie Goth, yes. Yeah. I did go to the Star Wars bar for a night. Is the Star Wars bar a continuing operation? It is.

So, yeah, it's one of those that has become so popular it's become permanent or permanent-ish. Nothing is permanent. Man, this gothing is really catching on. Yeah, this is going great. Let's try and make the rest of the show a little gothy. Everything turns to ash. How themed out is it? Because I feel like I went to – I had been told that our friend Stuart Wellington's bar, which is actually owned by his wife Charlene – sorry, Charlene, that I said it was Stuart's. It's okay. Yeah.

We forgive you too, Jesse. It's us, Allie's Cats. The great Stuart Wellington of the Flophouse has a bar called Hinterlands in Brooklyn, New York City. It's a lovely bar. And I had been told that this bar was Dungeons & Dragons themed. And I went to the bar and what constitutes a Dungeons & Dragons theme is basically just that there was some like pages from the Dungeons & Dragons monster manual, you know, wheat pasted to the walls of the bathroom. That was pretty much it.

Yeah. Now this is like, yeah, this is a little more of an operation. It's, yeah, and I think this one is not a Disney sanctioned thing. So it has to be like legally dissimilar. I love those types of things. I love an off-branded thing like that. It's very fun. It's the same as when you go to the Halloween store and you look for costumes where it's just like –

Oh, right. Yeah. Video game plumber. Yeah. I'm trying to think of what the Edward Scissorhands name was. Hockey mask maniac. Exactly. I do all my drinking at the All-Star Cafe.

Oh, yeah. I'll drink anything Bo Jackson tells me to. I do – so this doesn't count as like a pop-up or anything, but I do really love going to Universal Studios and drinking at Hogsmeade and then also Moe's Tavern. Yeah. It's truly special. Those are really fun. The Hogsmeade bar, the Harry Potter zone, so they have – their signature thing there is butter beer. Right.

It's this kind of – what is it? So it kind of tastes like how you would imagine. It's kind of – it has like that Starbucks seasonally type drink. But you could get it iced like it's frozen or you could get it cold. But it has like a butterscotch vanilla-y – not root beer but something kind of like that. It's non-alcoholic. Yeah. And less.

Yeah. So when you go in there to the bar, my first question was, is the butterbeer alcoholic, which I realize is a question an alcoholic would ask. Is this child's drink? How fucked up will this get me? Anyway. First question, is this alcoholic? Second question, I have a small abrasion. Do you have any rubbing alcohol?

Right, exactly. But, you know, at the bar, they'll, you know, they're like, no, it's not alcoholic, but I can sell you this and a shot and look the other way. I had the same thing happen to me. My person was not as flirty. Mine was more. She's seen it all she's she was just like oh just get a shot and put it in oh yeah sure sounds like you have a new co-host for your goth podcast yes disgruntled harry potter employee i am in love yeah um but yeah mine was kind of mine was kind of fun but then i realized that they just that's the song and dance

they give to everybody. Allie, you're a few years younger than us, so you probably grew up with Harry Potter, right? I did, yeah. I rarely talk about this, but in middle school, I designed the Harry Potter theme parks. And I'm a little mad they went through with it without asking me. I had notebooks and notebooks full of my designs. And so I would like to build, I don't know if you'd call them models because it was just out of printer paper. So it didn't really have like a very good structure.

But I would often build like kind of like diorama 3D type things all the time of like restaurants that I wanted to own. And I loved themed restaurants as a kid. And I really wanted to make a pirates themed restaurant. This is before I knew about like the one in Boyle Park. Pirates, a dinner adventure. Yeah. Which if you don't know that, that is kind of like, it's across the street from Medieval Times, if you've heard of that.

This is the pirates one and there's some singing and there's some, you know, I don't know. It's jaunty. It's fun. Yeah. It's nothing like what I would have done. Unlike, here are my notes for Pirates of Dinner Adventure. That I would want to punch up.

We should mention that Jordan is a theme restaurant development executive. I have some notes. I can't believe we haven't talked about this yet. I have so many ideas. I've received the dioramas. We'll review them. Did they get smushed in the mail? No, they're fine.

I'm sorry. We're unable to review unsolicited dioramas. So please have your agent submit the dioramas for you. I'm in between agents right now. Well, my hands are tied. Do you want to take a look at the sperm whale diorama that my daughter and I made earlier today? That reminds me of my squid and the whale themed restaurant. All right.

Melancholy dramedies. There's semen on the walls everywhere. Yeah. If you've seen that movie, that makes sense. The little boy puts his whale in a whale themed restaurant. Right. Melancholy dramedies. There's semen on the walls everywhere. Yeah. If you've seen that movie, that makes sense. The little boy puts his, well, anyway. You could just have people

wear short tennis shorts, but whatever. Sure. That's grosser than your call me by your name restaurant where you eat a gross peach. Anyway, such a lush movie.

So lush. Very lush. L lush. Very lush. Lush. Luxurious. Anyway. This makes me want to buy perfume. Yeah. That's my goal.

Pirates of Dinner Adventure had a lot of like fourth wall breaking out of genre jokes. You can't act cool when you are a pirate's dinner adventure. Yes, and I think this will date when I was there. They were doing a lot of Damn Daniel material. I will say, I have some friends, and we have, within our friend group, brought it back, and it's very fun.

Saying Damn Daniel. Yeah. In what context? Almost any time that anyone says anything. Okay, so you just punctuate it with very fun. Saying damn Daniel. Yeah. In what context? Almost any time that anyone says anything. Okay. So you just punctuate it with damn Daniel. Like if I knew you both better, it might have come up a couple times tonight. Sure.

Frankly, I can't. I don't have that trust. No, I understand. Damn Daniel. We'll have to all be in freshman year of college together. Yeah. I did see people playing hacky sack outside of the Mad Magazine offices and say, damn, Daniel. Oh, yeah.

So that's an example. But anyway. Hacky sack's back, huh? I hope to God, no. Yeah. This is an isolated hacky sack incident. It's not indicative of a larger trend. Right.

I mean, we'll see. I saw a guy with some purple juggling pins having a coffee outside of a Starbucks that's in a giant parking lot that also services Home Depot and Food for Less. Was he juggling or was he just holding them? He was gesturing emphatically with them to a man who looked like Michael Chiklis. Okay. It looks like. Yeah, it looks like. Simpsons is funny.

Simpsons is fun. Yeah. Did you have – so you were saying they broke the fourth wall. I'd love to get these notes to apply to my own future projects. What I loved so much about my last trip to Medieval Times was just how earnest it was. Really the only time that you were taken out of the fantasy other than something one of the drunk asshole patrons was doing. Like really the only wink to the modern world that the cast gave was when the king came out and reminded everyone that there was no vaping.

But after that, after that initial warning not to vape, they played it really straight and I really appreciated that and I thought that Pirates A Dinner Adventure could use a little bit more of that too much winking bullshit somebody saw the Ben Stiller show and got the wrong idea yes someone saw the Ben Stiller show

hey guys gather around look at this Charles Manson Lassie sketch we need to do more of this shit so when I was at Medieval Times I felt the same exact way where it was all very sincere, all very in earnest. And the king didn't say anything about vaping for our night. Maybe it was vape night. Sure.

But he did throw me out of it a little bit when he was wishing people happy birthday and different anniversaries. Because he was just like – it goes on for a very long time. And it's just like, happy birthday. What, do people go to medieval times to celebrate? I think only. Yeah. I don't think people often go when they're having a hard time. But, you know, like, happy birthday.

This will cheer me up. Oh, boy. But you can get very drunk there. Another night at medieval times. Yeah. But they were listing off, like, happy birthday, Timothy. Happy birthday, Jonathan. Happy birthday, AT&T.

Happy birthday. And they would list like a legal group. And it was just a lot of business people. And I looked over and it was a whole – the whole green team was just like all suits and they won. And I don't think they really appreciated the win. Sure. We really could have grown as a group of friends and we won. And I don't think they really appreciated the win. Sure. We really could have, you know, grown as a group of friends

and we lost, you know? So, I shan't be returning, but. You know what? Oh, so you're,

what you're saying is that whoever wins the Medial Times is not based on who knights the best, but it's some preordained thing. I think it was rigged. If some big shots are there.

They're trying to impress the legal team. I'm so fucking sick of fucking corporate bullshit. Yes. Thank you. You know what I mean? I just want to watch the fucking Ben Stiller show. Sure.

And move to Austin, Texas and wear vintage Western shirts. Yeah. That's the life. In conclusion, I'm Ethan Hawke. Ooh. Cool. Probably Ethan Hawke, right? Approximately. I mean, I have the Before Sunrise Trilogy posters in my room, and they spelled

Julie Delpy wrong. That was pretty funny. On all of them? Yes. They would not return them. I said, hi, you spelled her name wrong. May I please get the poster fixed? She's like, you could send us it back and then we'll give you your money. I was like, that's just returning an item.

Wait, did you purchase them from some sort of on-demand poster service? I cannot tell you where it is because it's a great company and I don't want to shoot on them. Shoot on them. Oh, wow. Thanks, Christian mom, for changing shit to shoot. Jesus Christ. Oh, boy. I want to hug and kiss you.

It's truly a Simpsons land for everything. Yeah. Anyway, I think, where's the cliffhanger themed bar? You guys remember Cliffhanger? Yeah, sure. Sylvester Stallone film. Allie probably doesn't. She's a little too young.

Well, he- I'm busy here reading Harry Potter. That's true. There's a soccer bad guy. You could, like, theme a drink after that, I guess. Wouldn't you rather just go to a Demolition Man bar? Yeah, it's a little on the nose, though, I think. Yeah.

Yeah, what is the themed bar that you would be the most genuinely excited that you couldn't help but check out? I sincerely got excited when you said that there was a Makita's Donuts. That actually, I was like, the 11-year-old in me was like, yes, yes, yes! Yeah. Would there be a way? I just want to, this is a huge hypothetical, and there's a lot of maybes to this working. For Ed O'Neill to actually work at that. Sure.

So good. As soon as Modern Family gets canceled, I'm sure he'll do it. Stab a man in the dead of winter. Anyway. Would there be a way to have a Big Lebowski themed bar where no Big Lebowski fans could go to? So it's just a Big Lebowski themed bar, but no one in it is too into the big Lebowski. Well, the way to do that, and this is really how you do it, is you do it during Lebowski Fest when everyone that's really diehard is already out of town.

Sure. And then wherever they are, you burn that down. Burn that down. I went to Lebowski Fence once here los angeles because my childhood best friend peter uh his band would play a once a year credence clearwater tribute show okay and i only once so here's the thing well because they were a real band oh i see uh the rest of the time they would do it like for halloween or. Got it. And they just got a reputation. And apparently Lebowski Fest just books a local Credence Clearwater tribute band every city that it goes to.

And so this was like the biggest gig of their career. You know, they're a band that, you know, was playing in 200-person venues. And Lebowski Fest was in like a 3,000-seat theater. Wow. But they weren't allowed to play any originals. It was Credence only, and definitely no Eagles. Oh, yeah, sure. How many times, here's my question for you, Jordan.

In this theoretical Lebowski-themed bar. Right, where no Lebowski fans can go. What's your cutoff for number of times you've seen the big Lebowski themed bar. Right, where no Lebowski fans can go. What's your cutoff for number of times you've seen the big Lebowski that they check at the door and they kick you out if you've seen it more than that? I'm going to say eight. I was going to say six. Six seems good. That's low. Those numbers are low.

That's a reasonable amount of time. It's on TV a lot. Yeah, sure. I think just single digits. Single digits. If you're over double digits, sorry. Not that guy that I worked with. Sorry.

You just have to go to the Donnie Darko themed bar. It is funny though because I feel like you should only get to go to the Wayne's World one if you've seen it 25 times. Yeah. Because there are too many people that like it peripherally that I don't want them to have the joy that I have because I'm a hipster. Right. Right.

You're a real Wayne's World hipster. You're a real Wayne's World hipster. I'm a real Wayne's World hipster. How do you feel about Wayne's World 2? Have you seen it recently? I don't like it. Okay. I've never liked it. I really love Penelope Spheeris as a director,

and it was something that I never realized as a kid that she didn't direct it. Oh, I didn't know that too. Yeah, there was actually a lot of drama surrounding it, which is really unfortunate. She's so interesting, though. She just did a live Q&A thing at some place downtown. And, oh, Alamo. Alamo Drafthouse is doing, like, showings. And it was really great.

And she was just so interesting and so cool. Did she show Wayne's World? Yes. And she was talking about why she wasn't on Wayne's World 2 and like kind of how screwed over she got. And it was really interesting. And, you know, I watched Wayne's World 1 so many times that I actually for fun typed the script from memory every single line and I brought it to school in middle school. That does sound fun. And would read it to myself.

Yeah. And I loved doing it. And I was called Garth during a lot of – I was called Garth for all of seventh grade until one of my teachers caught on. And she's like, Garth, what's up? And I was like, oh, this lady. Yeah. Suddenly this isn't cool anymore. And so I stopped doing it.

But Wingswood 2, just OK. OK. I interviewed Penelope Spheeris once. And a few amazing things about her. You know, she directed – Fashion, yes. She directed the she directed. Or fashion, yes. She directed the Decline of Western Civilization film as well. Boy, there is a very nice Blu-ray set out of that.

Yeah. If anybody likes those. It's a beautiful collection. They're great movies. They really are. They're sort of documenting scenes, punk rock and metal scenes in Los Angeles. The first one is the early 80s and then there's the second one is like a hair

metal one from the late 80s that kind of got her Wayne's World. Yeah, boy, that hair metal one is so funny. It's really good and it really like... What I like so much about it is that it makes that thing, that hair metal thing, which I do not like, it makes it seem both cool and fun, but also very sad.

And she is also allowing them to call themselves out as being misogynists. It is all three of those things at once. It's amazing. It's great. What's amazing. It's great. What's amazing to me about this, so like she, now at least my experience with her was she was a woman who has lived a lot, particularly with rock and roll parties. Sure. Yes.

But a super cool lady and she got super into that metal scene and was going out every night for a couple of years on the Sunset Strip metal scene. And in my head, I guess I just pictured her as a 24-year-old but actually she was

like 40. Yeah. She was like a full adult with a teenage child who Oh, yeah. Who was just like, whoo! I'm here to see Wasp do some blow. Yeah. She – She – the thing that I love, her great contribution to Wayne's World. I mean, obviously, like, she didn't write Wayne's World, one of the greatest scripts ever.

Correct. And she's not only Mike Myers and Dana Carvey or Mike Myers and Dana Carvey. And she's not only Mike Myers and Dana Carvey or Mike Myers and Dana Carvey, but in addition to the comedy directing of the time, which was point the camera at it, she pointed out – she didn't take credit for very much of the film, but she did take credit for the scene where they are lying on the hood of the car looking up at the airplanes going by, which is the absolute essential emotional linchpin of Wayne's World. And you're like, yeah, well, you fucking earned – you can take credit for the whole rest of the movie if you want to because you fucking earned it by thinking of having them do that. Right. And so just for anyone that doesn't know the story, basically in that scene – It's these two guys. One has brown hair and one has blonde. Cool.

Moving on. But it's the scene where they're talking about just like, you know, hey, have you ever found Bugs Bunny attractive? Sure. And put on a dress and look like a girl bunny? And we get that really, really, really, really sincere, honest Mike Myers, no, no. And he just has this extraordinarily big laugh. And it was from – he had just been laughing at something else earlier. So that was actually a reaction to not that. And it was just this real moment. And it's funny because I think as a kid who watches DVD commentaries, I mean I assume that's maybe a lot of the people in your fan base and maybe this room.

That's safe. Yeah. I mean Jordan and I watch a lot of vhs commentaries okay yes yes yes um commentaries in general but like you know personally i think the beta commentary sound the best i only watch commentaries on video disc so i remember even just like when harry met sally like there's the there's the moment when uh sally and and harry as it were are just doing the titular were, are just doing – The titular Harry.

Are just doing – I say Sally first. I'm a feminist. Because they're doing bits about like, I'd be proud to partake in your pecan pie. Pecan pie. And he keeps saying it really weird. And there's this moment where she kind of like looks to the side and like doesn't really know what to do and just kind of goes to the scene. Apparently in that moment that was ad-libbed and she was looking to Rob Reiner just like, should I keep going? And he kept going like, go, go, keep doing it.

And then that ends up being a very sweet moment where they actually kind of realize that they like each other. And I love those moments that you kind of, before BuzzFeed lists would tell you all about them, it was like a really fun thing to have. I'm just kind of like, oh, yes, I've done my homework. It was very fun. I would fuck Billy Crystal if it gave me access to that apartment. I don't remember the apartment.

God, he's got a killer apartment in that fucking movie. Yeah? I only watched it for the first time. I mean, like I had seen bits and pieces of it on cable, but only watched it straight through for the first time like two years ago. seen bits and pieces of it on cable but only watched it straight through for the first time like two years ago and all i can think about since then is just how badly i want that like a brick loft oh yeah um what is the name uh nora effron i was talking to somebody about nora effron kitchens and how sure yes they always have really great kitchens and it led me to a fun

game of which director would you want to design each room of your house? Oh, boy. Do you have a perfect house as a result of this conversation? I have a very weird house based on this conversation. But you know what I mean. Like Kubrick, he masters the bathroom. Sure. He does quite a lot of rooms very well.

And if there are any directors that come to mind that you can think of, like, well, that'd be a fun room of my house. I'd love to hear it. Yeah, I guess so. You could put some time into it. You don't have to tell me now. Yeah. Come back to me. I'll have a great answer in nine days. We can make a diorama of it.

Whoa. I would probably have Wes Craven design my abattoir. Yeah. Sure. Right. Who would do the foyer? Sure. abattoir yeah yeah sure right um who would do the foyer sure i mean i would have um david cronenberg design my um car i was gonna say pulsating vaginal opening but yeah it's also my car fucking area okay let's take a break we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We're brought to you, of course, every week by the folks who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and support the show. We're also supported this week by our friends at Stitch Fix. Now, Jordan. Yes. When a problem comes along, what must you do?

You must stitch it. Okay, good. You know, I opened my Stitch Fix box before I came here. A lot of great stuff in there. Yeah, you know, some people, certainly like your hosts here on this program, style comes naturally. Well, of course. Some people, it's a little more work.

Stitch Fix is a great solution. Whichever part of the style spectrum you're on, you basically just let them know a little bit about yourself. You say, I like this kind of thing. I like that kind of thing. I'm about this size. I'm about that size. I've got to go to this kind of event. I've, I like this kind of thing. I like that kind of thing. I'm about this size. I'm about that size. I got to go to this kind of event. I got to go do this kind of thing.

Just a little bit of, just a little something for them to chew on. A little info. You just give them a little something to chew on. Yeah, give them some nommies. Cool.

And once they're nommed up. Once they're nommed up, they send you a personalized box with five clothing items just for you. And here's the thing. You send back anything you don't want. Shipping is free both ways, and you only pay for what you keep.

Yeah. You can get your fix whenever you want, or you can sign up for scheduled shipments. That's right. Once your clothes are starting to run out, they'll send you new ones. Hey, Jesse. Yeah. How about a deal? Okay.

How about a deal? I love a deal. Well, if you love a deal, you're going to want to go to stitchfix.com slash JJGO. And when you keep all five items, you'll get 25% off your entire purchase. Stitchfix.com slash JJGO. Stitchfix.com slash JJGO. Can I tell you a joke that kind of occurred to me? Sure.

It's not that funny. Please. I left it out because it would have derailed our conversation. Okay, thank you. Yeah, and thank you for waiting. When we said all nommed up, I wanted to say all nommed up like a 1980s Sylvester Stallone vehicle.

What is that a reference to? They're just all full of, he was always a Vietnam guy. Oh, an AM. That's good. Yeah, it was all right. I mean, I had to explain it, so it wasn't that good. His characters all have demons.

By the way, I just got an email from my friends at Heathrow Airport. They say, we'd like to keep in touch. That's fun. So stitchfix.com and Heathrow Airport. Why does Heathrow Airport even have my email address? I don't know. It's a very polite British spam. Do you think they found that sport coat that I lost there seven years ago?

That might be it. God, that was a horrible, that was a very sad day, Jordan. The day I lost my sport coat at Heathrow Airport. Sorry to hear that. It was very nice. It was a Brooks Brothers, a Harris Tweed, and a sort of gray herringbone. You can wear it with everything. That's what's so great about it.

Yeah, dress it up, dress it down. I know. I know how that goes. I mean, that very day I was wearing it with jeans. No big deal. Jeans and chukka boots. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,, it's like a thing. Yeah, we've been doing it for, what, 11, 12 years? Something like that?

In that zone, yeah. I think the last time I was on the show, mine was like cat throwing out of window person. I don't know what it was. That's good. You can just use that one. That is snappy. Rolls off the tongue.

I'm surprised that hasn't bled over into your day-to-day life. Well, I got burned. Is that what Dan Telfer calls you over there at the offices of Mad Magazine? He wrote it. Yeah. He's got that Dan Telfer calls you over there at the offices of Mad Magazine? He wrote it. Yeah. It's got that Dan Telfer zing. It also has a list of types of dinosaurs, so we know it's his. Yeah.

I got to come to the Mad Magazine office. Yes, you did. You guys did a- Well, Dan Telfer did. Sure. He did a Twitch event for Mad Magazine. I thought it was so fun. It was a beautiful place brimming with fun. The offices at Mad Magazine are so cool and great, and they're filled with Batman, and it's very crazy. Yeah, yeah. with Batman and it's very crazy. A lot of people don't realize that Mad Magazine is owned by

DC, which is owned by Warner Brothers. When you go to the offices there are just busts of superheroes all over the place. It's very cartoonish. Jack Nicholson came there and he's like, I was led to believe something different.

Baby. There's not even just busts. There's like whole superhero-sized superheroes. There are. In glass cases. And out. There's one of Batman. They have Christopher Reeve's remains there which seems inappropriate to me.

But he's standing in it so it's nice. Yeah, nice memory. For his family if they want to come and visit. They want to remember him before the This is what it would have been like. They want to remember him before the accident. So there's one of Batman and he's standing in kind of like almost a mid about to jump out at you. And every time I see him, I just imagine him saying, my name is Batman.

Hey, you know me. I'm Batman. Hey, Batman, you're so fine. You're so fine. You blow my mind. Hey, Batman. I think Batman will be fun in like a Shirelles type girl group from the 1960s. Batman's fun everywhere.

Just a couple of- Batman's always fun. Ethnically ambiguous New York girls with beehives. Yeah. That sounds fun to me. I think it does sound fun to you. Yeah. I was coming out of Golden Apple Comics.

I love Golden Apple Comics. On Melrose. Great comic book store if you're ever in LA. Golden Apple on Melrose. They'll do you right. Sorry, Secret Headquarters is mine. That's the one where the lady recognized me once. Sure.

That's the only qualification to lady recognized me once. Sure. That's the only qualification to be Jesse's favorite comic book store. Well, I recognize you. Oh, thank you, Allie. Am I your favorite guest? Are you a store? You're not a store. Come inside me. I have stuff.

I don't know. What do you sell? Seems like a lie. Sorry for telling you to come inside me. No, that's okay. It's okay. I'll just shoot on the walls. Squid and the Whale theme park.

I was coming out of Golden Apple and I had my nose in whatever I had just bought and I banged into somebody and I'm like, oh my God. You're about to fall in love. Yeah. Well. Well. It was one Billy Crystal. I have an amazing apartment now. So I banged into somebody really hard and I'm like, oh my God, I'm sorry. And I looked up and it was a statue of Spider-Man.

Oh my God. I was so apologetic to Spider-Man. And I know that statue. Yeah. It's so funny. I know. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. to Spider-Man. And I know that statue. Yeah. It's so funny. I know. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

That was our meet cute. When I visited the offices of Mad Magazine, our friend Dan Telfer, a stand-up comedian and a Mad something or other employee. I don't know what his title is. Senior editor. Senior editor. Dan Telfer was kind enough to show me around the office and i have to say i had a lot of fun really wearing down dan's welcome by misidentifying the superheroes i mean i've i know alfred e newman is sure it's like what's this guy's this one's captain america right

oh that's fun uh one of my uh one of my favorite tweets uh late was someone asking why Wonder Woman wasn't in Infinity War. It made me laugh very hard. Sure. You'd think that movie was a big success. Yeah. Get her in there. Get her in there. Also, why wasn't Duckman in Infinity War?

I don't know. I'm not Joe Duckman. You know, in hindsight, Duckman's not in enough stuff. That's really true. Turn into my Duckman podcast. Yeah. Okay. When something momentous happens to you like you're-

So it's too sexual. Far too sexual. Like you're watching Marvel's Infinity War starring the Avengers. And what do you know? There's Duckman. Sure. The adult comedy cartoon from the USA Network. USA Network?

USA, I think. Starring Jason Alexander as Duckman. His best role. Then call us. I think that's the one he's most known for anyway. After Pretty in Pink. Yeah. Well, Dunstan checks in.

Jason Alexander's had an amazing career. Between Dunstan, Duckman, and Pretty in Pink. Sometimes wearing that toupee. Yeah. 206. Fucking Jason Alexander's great. Can I just make that clear? I'm not making fun of Jason Alexander.

None of us are. Okay. I'm a little bit making fun of Jason Alexander. Really? I'm a little bit making fun of him. Sure. But he's really great, though. Sure.

I mean, you got to admit, Jason Alexander is really great. Was he a store that complimented you once? Yes. The jerk store? I want to be clear. When the person recognized me at the comic book store, it was just that they recognized. They didn't compliment me. They didn't come.

Like, hey, you're you. Like, Jesse Thorne, right? Yeah. And they're like, eh. All right. Eh. Yeah. I mean, getting recognized at the comic book store is a dream. I got it. It's a dream. It's a dream, right? Yeah. And they're like, eh. All right. Eh. Yeah. I mean, getting recognized at the Comics Store is a dream.

I got it. It's a dream. It was great. Not since I was a boy and Al from Al's Comics would say, oh, yeah, I saved some Mark Grace cards for you. Sure. God, that's what it means to be alive. Allie and I went to the ren fair once yes and you know and i think i think ali and i

are like aware of the space in which we occupy in the entertainment industry and i think we were talking about what they call liminal space right exactly right exactly um there's a dave matthews song about it anyway i'll i Anyway, we'll link to it in the comments. The drumming is actually technically very virtuosic. Very technically, yeah. Very impressive. And we had a bet as to who would get recognized first at the Red Fair. Guess who it was.

Who would you think? Well, okay. So I'm going to talk through this millionaire style. Yeah, yeah, sure. So, of course, Jordan, you were on TV for many years, both as a correspondent on The Daily Habit, which many people who were in situations where they couldn't change the channel saw. Yeah. People on military bases.

Men with babies on their laps. Yeah. Sure. People in sports bars where there's a lot of TV. People in hostage situations where their captor turned on the TV. Children who can't find the remote but need to watch television. To live. You also were in a Sandra Bullock movie.

Sure. Wait. Speed? Speed. Were Sure. Wait. Speed? Speed. Are you the bus from Speed? I was the bus. I said, come inside me. I'm a bus.

I've got a bomb, though, so... Is that Jesse Thorne? Come inside me and shoot on my walls. I'm talking to you, Dennis Hopper. I think it was called The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down. The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down. The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down. What's crazy is Jordan was not actually, Jordan was in the movie All About Steve.

He wasn't in Speed. Oh. But he was the bus on the Pittsburgh Steelers, legendary running back Jerome Bettis. The fridge. I was the fridge. So you were in that, and you were also, perhaps most importantly, in a television commercial for the local news with NBC4's Fritz Coleman. Yes. Wow.

My finest role to date, says my mom. Yeah. And you were in that one scene on Scandal. Yeah, one scene on Scandal. What happened? They didn't kill your character, so he's still part of the Scandalverse. He is. Although the show has been canceled.

What happened in your... I work for a tabloid and someone was selling me some Intel. Oh, that's fun. Were you excited to be sold Intel? Oh, I loved it. I loved being sold the Intel. I'm a rag man. Nice.

I print the rags. Was your character called the Rag Man? Well, in my... You have to... When you're acting... It's a constructive, what's called the backstory. You have an actor's secret. Oh, okay. And my secret was I am called the rag man. I love rags.

Another thing is you get what's called sides and you take a highlighter and you highlight just the parts that you're going to say. That's interesting. So I'm just giving you some inside information. Yeah, you don't say all the lines in the scene. Really? You don't say it along with the actor? You don't actually.

A common misconception. Now that's weird. Now, and also when you're watching a movie, the actors aren't there. What do you mean? They did it previously. But it is, well, I was going to say it is live. It's not actually. But they do shoot it in order.

Yes, they do shoot it in order. That is true about movies. So Jordan, you're a pretty successful actor. Your face has been around the world. Sure. Okay. Now, Allie, of course, you're a popular Simpsons podcaster. You're an editor at Mad Magazine.

I was not at the time. Let's let that be. Yeah, you are currently. Yes. And, of course, you do a lot of, like, periscopes or something. Yeah, more or less. So I'm going to go with Allie because I know that a lot of people like periscopes. No, it was absolutely Allie.

Yeah, absolutely. The funniest thing about it is when you – it was someone who worked at the Red Fair. Periscope. At Periscope at periscope yeah uh and uh you are not allowed to break uh the character like you can't ask for like a pen you have to ask for a quill and so uh this person was trying really hard to explain what they liked you can't ask for a condom you just have to get pregnant sure you could put a sheep's bladder on your ding. That's what I call a dong. Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding. So she said, my lady, um. Right, because I think what she is trying to do at this moment is trying to figure out how to say I know you from the internet. And she said, um, I like your Gilmore Guys podcast appearance. And just like she didn't know how to get out of it. Yeah, sure. Do you remember that? I do.

She tried really hard. Yeah. But there's no old timey version of like. A Gilmore Guys recap podcast. There is not. That is like a lot of people think there is, but that didn't get invented until the 18th century. Right. Sure, sure.

Yes, yes. Like an Enlightenment era. What was the first one called again? The old Gilmore Guys podcast. Ah, yes, yes. It's weird that you couldn't think of that. Yeah, it's a little bit weird. Okay, let's take our first momentous occasion call.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. This is Ben up in Alaska. And my Momentous Occasion this evening is related to making healthy eating choices. I had the weekend to myself here. My partner is traveling at the moment, and it just made the unfortunate choice to go grocery shopping at around 9 p.m. when those day-old discount donuts for $3.99 a dozen

started to look pretty tempting. And anyways, they ended up shopping cart on the way out the door. I ate a couple of them on the way home back to my cabin. And I felt sick. It was terrible. I mean, you know, it was great in the moment, but not worth the consequences. And so I took them outside and set them in my driveway and took a leak on the donuts I was about. And I just took a leak all over the donuts just to remove that temptation that I could possibly eat anymore.

And it was the right choice. Thanks. You're welcome. Thank you. God bless you, sir. Yeah. Take a leak on those donuts. If there's any doctors in Alaska with a treatment for cabin fever, this guy's got it. Yeah,

sure. That's what happens, I think, if you live in a cabin in Alaska. Your girlfriend or wife or husband. Your solution is to pee on everything. Your romantic partner leaves for two days and all of a sudden all you're eating is donuts and you're peeing on them. Yeah. To be fair, the donuts could have been stung by a jellyfish. That's a good point.

It's the only way to disinfect them. You might have left that out. That's a fair point. I don't know if Alaska has jellyfish. And to be fair. She's like they would be a warm water animal. You know, they say Gandhi peed on his donuts. What is that from?

Gandhi used to drink his own pee. Did he? I didn't know that about Gandhi. That's why he's so smart. Are you sure you're not thinking of the Mariner from Waterworld? I'm thinking of Spock from Star Trek IV. There you go. Yeah, sure.

I do feel bad for any homeless person who got excited by a box of donuts that are now covered in pee. Yeah. That's a good point. But if you're a homeless person and you're living in Alaska. Yeah, you're probably doing pretty great. Yeah. Sure. It's all rough.

You'd just be glad to get a pee donut, you know? Oh, sure. End of all rough. You'd just be glad to get a pea donut, you know? Oh, sure. End of the day. Remember that scene from Star Trek IV where Scotty picks up the computer mouse and he's like, hello, Gandhi. Hello. Boy, you were mixing too many things. There are too many things in that recollection. Let's take another call.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. I just had a momentous occasion. I was sitting on my porch in Minneapolis, Minnesota, enjoying this finally beautiful spring day when the Amazon Prime guy drove up in his van, his indescript white van, Amazon Prime guy drove up in his van, his indescript white van, and he was blasting Papa Roach, that song that was popular. I don't know what it's called.

My name is Roach. He came to my door, gave me my package. I said, is that the radio or are you in Papa Roach? And he said, I just listen to that song on repeat all day. So clearly my Amazon Prime delivery guy is a sociopath. All right. As strong as a river, hard as a rock, wet as a river. Punch a blimp. I don't know. All right. Strong as a river. Hard as a rock. Wet as a river. Punch a blimp.

I don't know. All right. Thanks. Bye. I think when he's a sociopath, he means kick-ass dude. Yeah. Seriously. I think he meant my boyfriend.

Yeah. Why, monster? Can you start kissing him? Do I have to do everything for you people? Is there a mama roach? 206-984-4FUN is the number. And you know what else you can do, Jordan? There's a little innovation that I thought of.

And I thought of it when I had an overheard that I wanted to call in to stop podcasting but I couldn't remember the number off the top of my head because Dave always makes a big production

of how he forgot it and then he says ugh SpyPod 1 and I couldn't remember how that spells out in numbers if you can't remember

the Jordan Jesse GoFundMe number just open up that voice memo app throw it in there and email it to us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Get it in here.

It all ends up in the same place, baby. Come inside us. Please. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Co. The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Camp, Laurie Metcalf, Felicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skylar Astin, Mae Whitman, Josh Molina, Ben Feldman,

Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee, Jane Levy, Alison Tolman, Danielle Nicolette, And many more. Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. podcasts. Welcome everyone to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. So far, the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition. Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty? Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast! Titan Fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with hilarious conversations,

woke trips through the history of wrestling, and jokes about the finer points of people wearing spandex. What a match! And the Tights and Fights podcast will be back every week! Thursdays on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Please, these hosts have families! Tights and Fights Podcast! Tights and Fights! Dies and dies It's Jordan, Jesse Go

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Alley person who has cat socks. You sure do. Hey, Jordan. Yeah. Boo! Ah!

Don't do that! You know I believe in ghosts. You know how I snuck up on you? How? Fucking moccasins, baby. Oh, no! Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm lucky I'm not a bison. As quiet as the wind. Mm-hmm. As quiet as the wind, Allie. Oh. What did you'm lucky I'm not a bison. As quiet as the wind. Mm-hmm. As quiet as the wind, Allie. Oh. What did you say? I said, boop. Oh.

Yeah. Earlier to Jordan. I see. That should be like just the podcast that was just scaring me. Allie Gertz, you're the host of the Everything's Coming Up Simpsons podcast. That's true. This is a delightful podcast about the television show The Critic. Wait a second.

No. It is about The Simpsons. It's about the second most beloved animated show. Jordan and I, if people are looking for a starting point for this delightful Max Fun show, Jordan and I have both been guests on the program. So fun. fun show. Jordan and I have both been guests on the program. So fun. Someone tweeted at me the other day and said that

they listened to the episode that I was on and it was their first episode and they were looking forward to listening to many more. I would recommend Jordan's episodes. Yeah, Jordan, you've been on twice. I have. You talked about, I think, Homer the Heretic. Yes. I always have a hard time with that.

What was the most recent one you just did? We did Scenes from a Class Struggle in Springfield. Ah, yes. The one where Marge finds the Chanel suit and they go to the country club. And it has many scenes where the Simpsons are wearing something other than their normal clothes. That's great. That is something that we learned we now look for in every episode of The Simpsons is are the Simpsons wearing a new outfit? Yeah.

But she's got a new hat. you now look for in every episode of The Simpsons is, are The Simpsons wearing a new outfit? Yeah. But she's got a new hat. Yeah. So if you like The Simpsons and like hearing people geek out about it and hearing Simpsons writers and directors and animators and people who have done the show like Weird Al and, you know, really cool people, you should listen to the show, especially since it's on Max Fun.

And you guys have a Simpsons book that is available for pre-order now. Yeah. If you go to Amazon, you can pre-order the book that Julia and I co-wrote. It is called 100 Things Simpsons Fans Must Know and Do Before They Die. Number one is Homer Simpson. That's this Homer I've been hearing so much about. And how can I have it come inside? Sure.

He's one of the things you have to do before you die. Right. Yes, exactly. So, yeah, you can get that on Amazon preorder. inside sure he's one of the things you have to do before you die right yes exactly um so yeah you can get that on uh on amazon pre-order it doesn't come out until september uh but why not just get it now and you get yourself a little surprise once school starts exactly your old school children right and you know who's gonna deliver it roach guy yeah oh then you could have a meet cute yep ali what's Allie, what's one example of a thing that a Simpsons fan should know or do before they die?

One thing they, well, because it ties into what I said before, but one thing they should do before they die is they should listen to the DVD commentary because you get a lot of really cool facts and things that are like really exciting and cool. I immediately thought you were going to say facts and figures.

I almost did. Number of times Homer has said dough. But one thing that was fun was one of the things that we think people should do is go to all the Springfields. Julia Prescott is doing a tour where she goes around Springfield to all of the different Springfields in the country. Wow. And it's those types of silly things, but you could also get a tattoo. There are all kinds of things you could do, and they're all in our book. Do you have any tattoos?

I have zero tattoos. But if I got one, it- So this is more of a do as I say, not as I do situation. Well, Julia wrote that chapter. She has a tattoo of the gummy Venus de Milo. Oh, really? Oh, that's really good. And she almost got it on her butt cheek, but so more people could see it, she decided to put it on her shoulder because she wanted to share that with the world.

Sure. If I ever got one, it would be a Simpsons tattoo and it would be Starland Vocal Band. Starland Vocal Band? They suck. They suck. That's nice. Yeah. Alligarts, always a joy to have you on the program.

Thank you very much for joining us again. And this is my first time actually doing it while you were a host here. So it's very lovely. Is it really? It is. I've done it once when you were not here. Wow. Well, thank you for doing it.

It's been a delight. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the boards this week. That's his voice that you hear leaking into the studio. He laughs very loud. It's a voice that you hear leaking into the studio. He laughs very loud. It's a medical condition. He'll be dead soon. Stop being mean to him on the internet about his laughter.

It's terminal. He'll laugh himself to death like one of the weasels in Rocky Rabbit. In addition to that, the only thing that will bring him comfort is you leaving an iTunes review of Jordan Jessica. Yes, do it.

And telling a friend about it. Tell everybody. And sending me $5. $10. It's a happy dude. Yeah. You can find us on the internet at jessethorn at Jordan underscore Morris. Allie, you're just Allie Gertz, right?

Well, I wouldn't say just, but yes. G-O-E-R-T-Z? Correct. There you go. And you can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Always a lot of fun there. Can I tell you something that happened on the Reddit? Please do.

So the MaxFun Reddit is just a ball of delight. There's almost never anything bad happens on the MaxFun Reddit. That's shocking in comparison to the rest of Reddit. I know. Much of Reddit is fun. I subscribe to this Los Angeles Reddit. That's shocking in comparison to the rest of Reddit. I know. Much of Reddit is... I subscribe to this Los Angeles Reddit. Who boy is it rough? But yeah, it's mostly... It's almost exclusively

great times. But some dipshit complained about a Judge John Hodgman litigants vocal fry. And I just remembered, like, I'm the boss of this company. I can totally tell this guy to go fuck himself in public. So I did.

How did it feel? Oh, it felt fantastic. I was like, go fuck yourself, man. That's lovely. I don't think I wrote in those words, but I was like, get out of town, I probably said. You actually said, stop being so mean. I said, gee whiz, mister. Come inside me.

Come inside me. Maximumfun.reddit.com You can also like Jordan and Jesse Go on Facebook where we have been sharing some really dank memes that have been created recently. Some really tremendous memes. We also share those on Twitter

and you can share yours on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go. with the hashtag JJGo. We'll talk to you next time. I'm Jordan Jessica. I'm Jordan Jessica.