Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 537: Saving My Meat for Marriage with Cristela Alonzo

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Comedian, voice actress, and one of the stars of BUBBLE Cristela Alonzo joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Cristela's Disneyland rider when she does voice over for Disney, the streaming commercials that viscerally upset Jordan and Jesse, and the role that the United States Post Office played in Jesse cementing his manhood. Plus, Jordan debuts a new nickname he got from a chill dude friend of a friend named Rich. LISTEN TO BUBBLE! Episode Two is out now! Subscribe on iTunes! Or use this feed for your other podcatcher needs: https://maximumfun.org/feeds/bubble.xml

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, new nickname incoming. Oh, really? It's a whole thing. Is this a tease for later? Yeah, it is a tease for later. It's a whole thing.

It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. I am flying free as a bird right now, baby. You're not wearing underwear? When have I ever been wearing underwear, George? I don't. You know what? To answer your question, I don't know. I don't know what your underwear situation is.

I'll unzip my fly once in a while in case you want to take a peek. Yeah, I never do. So I guess it just... Really? Maybe I should have been wearing underwear that whole time if it was just going to be wasted on you. Yeah. Should we introduce our guest and then you can tell us why you're so free? Yeah.

Is it because you live in the good old U.S. of A? God bless her. Yes. And all she stands for. She ain't wearing no panties, I can tell you that much. Lady Liberty. Getting fucked by those spendocrats, am I right? Right.

All our babies are going to be half clown with these. With these clowns in Congress. Sure, yeah. Half clown, half statue. Now that looks like America to me. That's my America. Yeah. Real women have curves.

And real babies are half clown, half statue. Our guest on this week's program, a beloved past Jordan Jesse Go guest, an immense celebrity in the world of stand-up comedy. She is the star of a new podcast, which I just actually listened to the first episode of. And I cannot say I cared for it. I get it. It's a little all over the place, totally. Yeah. I mean, I like Parks and Recreation a lot.

Sure. Bob's Burgers. Yeah. I thought your show was a little mean. No. You know. You know what? I have a lot.

I'm a man. I have something to say. Yeah. In these. Is your incoming nickname going to be Equal Opportunity Offender? Yes. Exactly. Everybody gets it.

Our guest lives, dems, men, women, fish. Like the band or the animal? Everybody's getting that. Jam bands, things with gills. Jam bands, things with gills. Fish's songs are too long and flounders are too flat. Yeah. Oh. And then I smoke a cigarette. Cristela

Alonso, star, one of the stars of the podcast Bubble. Bubble. Which I actually enjoy quite a bit. Bubble. I actually heard the first episode a couple days ago and it is, I loved it. Yeah, you're very good in it. I also was surprised.

I was like, oh, I guess I'm right. I think I had marinated myself so deeply in the presumption of failure. Like the worst case scenario, I had done so much work to prepare myself as always, as I do with anything I've ever participated in. Are you the kind of person that always thinks it's going to work out bad? Yes. Because I'm that person. I always feel like everything's going to be the worst. I always prepare myself for the worst.

Yeah. That's why I have this weird positive attitude that rubs most people the wrong way. It's like just 100% compensation for the fact that I believe everything will go wrong. Can I just say that I believe everything will go wrong. Can I just say that I love driving here because I like putting the directions in the map. And I love that the directions – it's just directions to maximum fun. Like that's amazing. Like you get directions to fun.

Right. It's so awesome. You would think like before this building was here, it just took you to a Chuck E. Cheese. Which there is a Chuck E. Cheese. There's a Chuck E. Cheese. It's pretty close actually. And there's a valet at the Chuck E. Cheese. This Chuck E. Cheese is interesting in many different ways. I mean, first of all, the really hot band there Friday and Saturday nights, if you guys like live music.

Yeah, I really do. Now, I don't know if they have – I mean, I have kind of a particular live music taste. Yeah. What I like is like classic rock know, it's like classic rock songs. Right. You know. Yes, yes. Beach Boys.

Yes. The Kinks. Yes. But I like certain words to be changed so the songs are about pizza. Yeah. Oh. Can I, is this, is there something for me here? Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. How do you like your mouths to move? Loudly? Loudly and clankety? I only like robot bands. We'll never agree. So in addition to the valet, it's just the entire bottom floor of an office building. Really?

Yeah, that building is 100% just a regular office building that one day a Chuck E. Cheese took over the bottom of the office building that one day a Chuck E. Cheese Except for like the lobby? took over the bottom of the office building. I know when someone has a meeting at the office upstairs, they have to like check in with a guy in a mouse outfit. After the meeting, they cash in their tickets for an eraser or something. Yeah, the dude after my job interview said I didn't get the job

but he gave me 40 tickets and I got three Tootsie Rolls. It's always the Tootsie Rolls. Yeah. Tootsie Rolls are pretty easy to get. And actually, I mean, how overpriced are all of that stuff? Like, come on. Right.

If you do the transition between tickets to tokens to money to Tootsie Rolls, those are $8 Tootsie Rolls. Yes, they are. I really only mess with the fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls because it's a premium flavor experience. That's actually – I agree with that. I love that. The fruit-flavored Tootsie Rolls are kind of like the Starburst of like poor kids. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I say that because that was my childhood. Like I couldn't do Starburst, but man. They're the Starburst of the dusty candies. Yes. The candies that are covered in a thin layer of dust. That have been at the liquor store since the last winter. Right next to the Smarties and the Chico Sticks. Oh, man.

The restaurant by my house, there's a family restaurant by my house that I probably eat at conservatively once a week, possibly more than once a week. When I say family restaurant, I'm claiming it as a family restaurant because I will take my family but I will also go there myself. In fact, right now

because I am free as a bird, I'm going to guess that La Beja will be getting my patronage two to three times in the next four days but one of the nice things about it is that it has a counter that's full of candy including Smarties yes and I will or I when I'm going up to pay the bill because you know daddy's got to pay sure yes I'm bringing home the bacon baby yeah he ain't washing no dishes so i go i'll walk up to the counter to pay i say to mr la beja the owner i'm like hey can i get some smarties too that's that's for daddy that's a little that's a little something for me you know what i love jordan hey i mean i don't know when this is coming out but happy father's

day everybody we are recording this on Father's Day. Yes, yes. Fitting that we're hearing about Daddy and his num-nums. Yes, Daddy. That's the name of the episode. Daddy and the num-nums. Yeah, it actually might be. Brian, maybe go ahead and write that down.

Daddy and the num-nums. Can you also write that down for our Saturday morning cartoon pitch? Right, yeah. Yes. And our robot pizza band. I am free as a bird because my wife. Passed away. Oh, I'm sorry.

And it was a murder-suicide, but luckily I was not included. Oh, so it is a happy Father's Day. Yeah. Last one for a while. Were you going to try to sing a happy Father's Day song? It almost seemed like you were going to go into a Happy Father's Day song. No, I wish. If I got, I wish I was a musical improviser.

Why don't we do an album for- Or felt that way about fathers? We can write songs for all the holidays that don't have songs. Oh my gosh. That is great. I think that would be- Why don't we do that? Well, I mean, I don't do that because of no musical-

But I could just be there and brainstorm. I don't have to like- You wrote Bubble. You're a lyricist in a way. Yeah, that's true. You can do that. Yeah. I mean what is Bubble but word jazz?

Exactly. Yes. Skibbity-doop-doop-da-da-ba-bubble. Yes. Yeah. But yeah. So what doesn't have a song? Father's Day?

Groundhog Day? Easter. Easter. No song. Why isn't there an Easter song? Because it's a church thing. Yeah, I guess. No song. Why isn't there an Easter song? Because it's a church thing, I guess. Yeah, I guess. I guess.

But I think that Easter lends itself to a song. Sure. I think it's begging for it. There are very few more popular themes in popular music than I'm back and I'm better than ever. Right. That's true. Oh, my God.

Don't call it a comeback. Jesus backs. All right. Just replace Backstreet with Jesus. Yes. Everybody praise him. As we were talking about, there's no Easter songs. I had a flash in my head of what I think is an Easter song I sang as a child.

Let me sing this nugget. Yes. And you guys tell me if this is real. Yes. Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way. Does that ring any bell for anyone? Not me. It sounds like a Christmas song where they replace some of the Christmas things with Easter things.

Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way. Yeah, because Santa's on his way. Right. Hmm. So did I just weird out that myself in my head? You probably did. I think probably. You grew up in a Christian household,

church-going family. Sure. I think what happened is you felt that vacuum with what is perhaps the most important Christian holiday, the day that he rose from the dead and rolled back that rock. Sure. I'm back. I'm back.

And he does mean Dwayne Johnson. Right. When Christ rolled back the rock. That's the only rock we know of, you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Christ rolled back the rock. That's the only rock we know of, you guys. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm surprised there's not more bigotry against our Dwayne Johnsons, given that they were blocking the door to the cave. In Christ's tomb. Yeah. You would think. But he's so charming. He does the eyebrows. It's like he knows the movie's corny when he's in it.

He knows. You can tell. You can tell I think that's a Christmas song that you've replaced the word Santa with the word Easter What is it? Hippity hoppity Easter's on its way So what is it?

Hippity hoppity Santa's on his way He doesn't hop A hippie to the Jesus Christ it don't stop Shit man, these are good Hunting some eggs and dough Santa's on his way? He doesn't hop. A hip, hop, a hippie to the Jesus Christ, and don't stop. Shit, man, these are good. Roll the rock. These are good.

Hunting some eggs and dough. Yes. These are very good. Yeah, I think with Easter particularly, I think we would have to face head on the question of whether we wanted to make a secular or religious Easter song. I think we do one of each.

Like, you know, you do a clean track and an uncensored track. Oh, all right. One that mentions Christ. Would you say that the secular version of Easter is too nasty for you? I mean, I don't need it. It's not one to one. I'm just saying we're doing two of them.

I'm not saying one's nastier. We're going to find some motherfucking eggs. For Jesus Christ. For Jesus, of course. Oh, my gosh. Of course. Of course, of course. Oh, my God. Of course. Of course. Love that.

Yeah, put the Christ back in Easter. Plenty of patriotic songs. Plenty of patriotic songs for the 4th of July. Yep. Lots of them. Lots of those. Lots of them. Arbor Day, not really a song.

No. Not really a holiday, though. Mm-hmm. What is an arbor? Well, I mean, I celebrate it. Group of trees? Yeah, I think it's a tree. A tree? Yeah, though. Mm-hmm. What is an arbor? Well, I mean, I celebrate it. Group of trees? Yeah, I think it's a tree. A tree?

Yeah, or something related to trees. Arboreal, right? One arbor. Well, a single arbor. Yeah, it's a single arbor, just tree. Yeah, it's a custom. I wonder. An arbor.

Oh, Tannenbaum. Mm-hmm. It's a good Arbor Day song. Yeah. Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving can have a, that seems like it's right for- You know, I'm getting that same thing.

I'm getting that same – I think I was – Hippity-hoppity, turkey's on its way. Turkey's kind of hop. They have a hoppy. And thank you for knowing exactly where I was going with that, Christelle. I appreciate it. I think we have a connection. I think we definitely have a connection.

Sure. Yes, yes. We've been on two long car rides together. Yes, we have. So I think we kind of figured it out. We had so much fun. We had a lot of good times. We had a lot of great times.

Yes. Christelle and I drove to and from Max Fun Con East together. Yes. In a lovely rental. Yes. What'd you get? You get yourself a Ford Focus? We had some, it was some weird rental car.

Didn't we have the same cars? Oh, I don't know. I think both, I think you both had the same cars. I think we might have. It was like a Mitsubishi Bump or something. I had a, I recently had an occasion to rent a car. Oh, stop wrangling. Oh, daddy's really free.

Rented myself a nice Ford Fusion. Yeah, that's the life for me. Whoa, with or without Sirius? You rented myself a nice Ford Fusion. Ooh. Yeah, that's the life for me. Whoa. With or without Sirius? Chrisella, Sirius and XM, thank you. Ooh! I didn't know you had that kind of money. Oh, my.

Yeah, checking out that MLB radio. Nice. 80s on 8. Yeah. Where else would it be? Yeah. Life hack, 80s for eight is a station on Siri. For those that don't have Siri, as we should translate.

I remember our car ride. Yes. From MaxFunCon. Yes. Because I think we had hooked up my phone to get the map and my music collection just started autoplaying. Yes. And that is such a raw moment when your music collection starts autoplaying. You're vulnerable.

Deeply fraught. Absolutely. It's vulnerable. And you don't know what's – and I'm like, I don't know you. We're just getting to know each other. Yes. And I remember – and it was a long ride too. Yes.

So I'm like – It didn't feel long. It did not feel long. But it was long. It was. Yes. It was actually long. Yes.

It was breezy and pleasant the whole time. No one fart long. It did not feel long. It was long. It was. Yes. Actually long. It was. Yes. It was breezy and pleasant the whole time. No one farted. It was great. Yes. But I remember that ride just because I was kind of worried. I'm like, OK, well, this, you know, is there anything here I'm going to have to explain? You know, like what's going to happen?

Who knows what's on my phone? Absolutely. And I remember it being a ride and I'm going, hey, this is going really well. I feel like a lot of great general interest things are coming up, things everybody can enjoy. Maybe some fun deep cuts that people could also enjoy. Absolutely. I haven't heard of this before. Yes.

And I remember toward the end, one thing I was embarrassed of came up. It was the early 80s punk rock classic Anarchy Burger, parentheses, Hold the Government by the Vandals. This is a song called Anarchy Burger, Hold the Government. Well, the Vandals were known. I mean, different punk rock groups took on different parts of American culture and society. They were known for taking on those clowns in Congress. Exactly. Exactly. Sure. I mean, I'll quote the song.

I mean, I don't need to quote. Listen, America stands for freedom. But if you think you're free, try walking into a deli and urinating on the cheese. Anarchy burger. Don't hold the government. And I'm like, OK, I'm embarrassed of this. Not the end of the world. I'm just going to light.

I'm just going to surreptitiously read, because we're chatting, we're talking. I'm going to reach down and I'm going to skip this. And I just hit skip really closely. And the next thing that plays is a live version of Anarchy Breaker holds the government. I have two versions of that song. Anyway. Good song. Good song. And now acoustic right here's them at the bbc doing it here's some covers of anarchy burger hold the government

covers i love the cover yeah a nor and does a really emotional i was gonna say nora jones okay oh both very good references yes Yes, both are very good. I wanted to ask about, because you are so good in Bubble, with your voice makings, your voice talkings. Yes. What was your first voiceover job? My first voice? Oh, that's a good question. It was a, I can't even remember it, but it was a cartoon.

Okay. I did it like maybe, ooh, eight years ago. Yeah. And I was only supposed to do one episode and they kept me on for about eight. Yeah. Oh, bubble episodes. Yeah. Yeah.

A full bubble's worth of episodes. A bubble's worth. Yes. Yeah. What do you feel like you learned? Because I feel like you were so good at just your like proneness really shown through. How do you improve at you learned? Because I feel like you were so good at just your like proneness really shown through. How do you improve at voice acting? You know, I've actually told people I learned English by watching TV. So I actually learned how to do voices as a kid because that's

how I learned English. So I spoke Spanish first. So I started picking up accents of shows I would watch and I just started doing voices. I never thought you could get paid for it. Oh, okay. So then once I started, I did a voice and they asked me to do more. I realized that not, I thought everybody could do it. Oh, right. You know, so. You can all change your voice a lot, right? Yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, well, if I can do it, that's my whole thinking.

My whole thinking is if I can do it, anyone can do it. Yeah. You know, you know. You guys' whole life is defined by a crippling double consciousness, right? Sure. Yeah. Right? Same Zs?

Same Zs. You have many people. They live in your head. You never know at what point one will be dominant. That's hilarious. And when you did, you're also a voice in Cars 3. Yes. Did you have to do a lot of ancillary voices like for action figures in video games

and stuff like that? Yes, and I still do it right now. Wow, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like every couple months I'll go in for a new thing and it's always something different. Yeah. So the last time I went in for VO, for voiceover,

I had to do one session for a baby toy. Uh-huh. Is this like covered in your original contract or is this? No, these are all, it's like a separate contract every time I do it.

Okay. So I do this thing where every time I do voiceover, I ask to go to Disneyland as like, you know, as part of the payment along with the money. That's really good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you go in the booth, you do the thing and then you go to Disney. Yes. Okay. Yeah. You know that it only costs like $75 to get into Disneyland.

With the tour guide. Oh. Oh. Yes. You're basically, you agreed to have a movie career specifically so that you could drink booze at Disneyland. Is that what you're saying? With a guide.

With a guide. A cool ass guide. Yes. Who knows where Walt's secret apartment was? I know a really cool guy who works at Disneyland who's a guide, but he's an ayahuasca guide. Oh, sure. He leads you through your trip. Yeah.

Like, okay, man, let's go on Splash Mountain. Yeah. Let's close your eyes. Okay, next stop, Tom Sawyer Island. Don't get into any hijinks. Okay, tell me about when you're rolling up to Disney yeah on the company dime of course

yeah of course you did some of those sweet baby lines yes I did what tell me about your tell me about your Disneyland day where you going where are your faves

what are you eating who you're rolling with who you're rolling with I always pick different people to go with so rarely do people repeat on trips because I like finding

the different combos so but which is sad because then you realize how many friends you don't have when you're like when you're giving them a lot of number of friends and you're like, I don't have enough to fill the spot. Sure. That's embarrassing. Yeah, yeah.

But I always want to go with people that will last the entire day. Okay. Because I will go from about 10 in the morning to about midnight. Nice. So I do multiple rides multiple times okay so like space mountain i'll do about depending on who's with me i will get on it about four or five times in a row hell yeah you know you know so i i that's i don't know that that's how i would do it but i respect it i respect the shit out of it i repeat repeat Thunder Mountain Railroad, Space Mountain, the Cars ride, obviously.

Of course. But it's one of my favorites, too. Do you get a VIP access to that Cars ride? Yes. Behind the scenes? You get a car that actually doesn't have a track? No, but I have to do my own voice in the ride. It's like, wee!

Yeah. It would be funny if you were just sitting, seated next to like a little kid on that ride. Like you had to, you know, there was a room issue and you were sitting next to a random little kid and just like blow their mind by doing your voice. People recognize my voice. Oh, yeah? It's really weird. Like I'll be at Disneyland and I'll say something and, you know, Cruz is – my character is really my voice.

So I will say something and parents recognize me and they'll come and take a picture. And just a single tear goes down my face. I know. I'm like, do you want to hang out? I don't have enough spots. I'm missing a few friends. You want to come with me? Thanks.

I'm going through a really intense experience right now with another one of our stars in Bubble, guest star Judy Greer. Guest star Judy Greer is, of course, she does a voice on Archer. It's one of my favorite shows. One of your favorite shows as well, Jordan. gasoline commercial that plays in every inning break on MLB.TV, the streaming service for watching out-of-town baseball games. It is so uncomfortable to have the voice. I feel like when she's acting, acting on Archer, I'm fine with it.

I don't have any problem with that. But the hula girl, I find it so disconcerting to be like facing away from it and then Judy Greer's voice comes out of my TV. And she's also in something called Storybots that my children watch. Okay. They're so unimpressed that I know her. Yeah. I'm like, no, that's daddy's friend. That's daddy's friend right there on your show.

Is it a robot? Yeah, I think it's a robot. Okay. Maybe it's a kid that's daddy's friend. That's daddy's friend right there on your show. Is it a robot? Yeah, I think it's a robot. Okay. Maybe it's a kid that is friends with robots. I haven't really watched a whole episode of it, but I often, I know that it's on because I hear Judy Greer's voice. Oh. Cars 3, I have not seen. That's okay.

I wouldn't watch it. I heard that Crystal wants us in. I know. Boo. Boo. that Crystal wants us in. I know. Boo.

Boo. I'm having an interesting emotional reaction to a streaming commercial that is coming up constantly. I think that's, you know, that's if you have any kind of, you know, streaming thing that includes commercials,

you're seeing the same one over and over again. Let's talk about it. What is this? Thank you for creating this safe space for me. Yes, go right here. Develop a crush on Peyton Manning.

Don't we all. I know. I just want to see him and Papa John kiss. Are those the two that are friends? Just one time. Are those the guys' friends? Okay. You nailed it.

I love that. Are those the ones? I know Papa John is friends with a football man who is maybe bad. Papa John is bad. Papa John is bad. Papa John, yes. Peyton Manning is fine. Peyton Manning is fine. Tom Brady is bad. Papa John is bad. Papa John, yeah. Peyton Manning is fine. Peyton Manning is fine.

Tom Brady is bad. Tom Brady is bad. Okay, yeah, sure. If you disagree with Jesse, don't get at me. I don't know what he's talking about. I'm just going with it. So the thing I watch the most with, the streaming thing I watch the most

that has a consistent commercial break is the FX app that has all the Simpsons episodes on it. A lovely app. I would love it if they would mix up the commercials a little bit because there is this commercial for Match.com that keeps coming up. And this is a two-pronged commercial. So sometimes you'll see a lady looking for a man and sometimes you'll see a man looking for a woman. The classic two prongs of marketing. The classic two prongs. Heterosexual men and heterosexual women.

And this woman is delightful. She's fun, a little beachy. At some point she rides a long skateboard. Great. If I was on Match.com and she came up, I think that was great. All right.

This guy. This fella. This guy. This dude. And so, you know, they're showing you someone who is apparently on Match.com who they think is great. And they show their day with a lot of rapid YouTube-style jump cuts of them doing all these things so it's this guy and you know he's a deep v-neck guy okay he pretty tan and he's going around and he's like you know he's at the beach and he's walking his dog and then there's this thing of him and he's

sitting at a table outdoors like this thing is burned in my mind he's sitting at a table outdoors and he has a giant iced coffee and he is doing like a shoulder dance like a side to side shoulder dance and he's singing to himself and he's not been singing in the commercial before this is the first instance of singing he's doing the side to side shoulder dance and he goes i like coffee and work and in the city and it hard cuts to him doing something else and i fucking hate it that is my least favorite two seconds of television ever is this guy going i like coffee and work and in the city i i'm i'm afraid i'll run into him and i'm afraid i'll hurt him i'm afraid i'm just gonna fly into a rage because i just hate i don't know why that it it's nails on a chalkboard to me.

Jordan, I am a professional menswear blogger. Yes. And I think that people presume that I make more judgments about other people's outfits than I do. Like, for example, some people think men in sandals are gross. I don't care. Wear sandals. I don't care. Deep V-neck.

I find viscerally upsetting. Interesting. How do you feel about coffee and working in the city? Well, I like both. I wrote a little song about it. No, no, no. No. Hippity hop.

Okay, good. Deep V-neck's on its way. All right. You spoiled my happy place. I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, good. Deep V-necks on its way. All right. You spoiled my happy place. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hated it. I was calming down. I know. I know. Stress ball. Stress ball. Imaginary stress ball. Imaginary stress ball.

Imaginary stress ball. I think the two things that I genuinely are upset by clothing-wise would be deep V-neck. And frankly, deep V-neck is all... It doesn't matter who you are wearing it. Like if you're like super cut and you're like showing off your pectoral cleavage, that's upsetting to me because I'm not that. If you're not that and it's unflattering,

it's upsetting to me because it's unflattering. Overall, I just hate looking at it. The other thing would be like a knit cap, a toque, that is worn off the back of the head when it's not cold outside with a little condom reservoir tip. Those two things. This is why I have to be very careful about visiting the western half of Los Angeles. Sure, sure.

Those two things are so deeply upsetting to me. They're both kind of past their primes, so you don't see them as much anymore. 2010, you're probably seeing that a lot. 2011. Yeah, but truly, like, and they're sort of, they're like the signature sartorial moves

of, like, an Ashton Kutcher, I would say. But, I mean, a positive thing about running into this deep V2 guy, he's probably got an awesome golden retriever with a bandana. Oh, well. You can just check that out. He's got that that I'm happy. He's got that. Oh, man, I met this Irish wolfhound at the flea market this morning.

Oh, my goodness. This thing had a head like a bowling ball. Chriselle, can we go back to Disneyland forland for a second yes go ahead i mean can we go now back to disneyland yes uh how do you feel about disney's california adventure oh it's amazing actually i think one of my favorite rides is at california adventure it's called soaring oh i do like so soaring is not just soaring over california now no it's worldwide now wow it's worldwide the only time i was on Soarin' over... The California one? It was just California.

Does it still have Patrick Warburton? You know it does. Yeah. You know it does. They know where the bread's buttered. Hey, I know. Let's not mess with the magic. Yeah.

Actually, I took my friends to it on one of the trips, and no one wanted to get on it. And I told them, trust me, you're going to love this ride. And we got on it and it was everybody's favorite ride. Because it seems like it's going to be educational. Yes. And maybe it is a little bit. And you're really not. I mean, it's kind of a swing, you know, so you go up and it's not a ride per se.

It's not like a roller coaster, but you really get into it. It's kind of like it's kind of like like it get into it it's kind of like um it's kind of like uh like uh it's it's the it's kind of like star wars tours you know in a way in that you're sitting there you're kind of mobile but like you're but not really at the same time but you go on an adventure you're watching a beautiful movie and you're being jostled absolutely i've never been to california adventure but i have to say that as a child, my mind was so profoundly blown by the fact that Pee Wee Herman was a robot in Star Tours that I've basically never recovered. Yeah. I'm still trying to put that back together in my head.

I get it. I get it. C-3PO now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird, though. I don't want to go right now because then, you know, it's weird.

I don't want to compete with kids. You know, it's a lot of. Yeah. You're going to want to go to Disneyland in like March. Yes. That is a good time to go to a theme park. Absolutely. As a childless adult.

Yes. I do a lot of theme parking in March. You know, that's why actually I have a pass to Legoland. Oh, Legoland. Legoland. Coming up a lot lately. Legoland is very cool. I have the year pass. It used to be, for a while, I don't think that they would

let you in if you didn't have children. But now they do because so many people, so many parents bought the passes when their kids were young and then their kids grew up. They used to have lifetime passes and once their kids grew up, they couldn't technically go. Yeah. So they changed the rules and now you can go in.

So I have a friend that has two girls and we will go to Legoland and we do their version of like a fast pass. Legoland closes at about like four or five. I just have something I'd like to say. Yes. At Legoland is the fast pass called a quick brick. Anyway. Go on. Go on.

Go on. I love quick brick. If it's not a quick brick, it should be... Missed opportunity, Legoland. Yes, yes. I love it. I love it.

The fact that you thought of it on your toes, yes, all day. Thank you. All day. Well, I'm an occasional employee of the Lego Corporation. He's done some consulting.

He's a brick expert. Jesse, master builder, please. No jokes. By the way, Bricks is also the name of the generic Lego company. Oh, right. Sure, sure, sure. You cannot afford Lego

Those are the Tootsie Rolls The fruit Tootsie Rolls They're like the designer imposters of the 80s Do you remember those phrase that they would be like If you like CK1 you'll love You know you'll love BK2 It's like oh okay Sure it's exactly alike

Bricks is Bracar Yawar Hot water I'm sure it's exactly alike. Yeah. Bricks is... Bracar Yawar. Yeah. Hot water. Ooh. Ooh, I like it. Well, it's... Ooh, okay, not bad. Yeah, no, but Legoland, I love going to it. I just like getting on rides and I like roller coasters and stuff.

But there aren't roller coasters at Legoland. There's like three. There are? Yes. I went to Legoland. I don't remember any roller coasters there. There's the dragon one. I can? Yes. I went to Legoland. I don't remember any roller coasters there. There's the dragon one. I can't remember.

I suck at the names. There's like a dragon one. There's one called, is it like Technic or something? Or that's the cooler one. That's a Lego for cool teens. Yeah, sure. And there's another one that's like a kiddie one where you ride it twice because it's a smaller one.

Oh. And there's another one that's like a kiddie one where you ride it twice because it's a smaller one. So in your opinion, you have to get to a certain thrill level. And if you have to repeat the ride to add to the first ride's thrill level to double it, you're cool with that? Yeah, I'm fine with it. So like if it's a one-third thrilling ride, you'll ride it three times? Yeah, like I'll read three boring books instead of one exciting one. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely.

Got it. Makes a heap of sense. Yes, yes. So basically, if you ever want to date me, you got to be really into like riding roller coasters more than once at a time. I can see. Look, if I can suggest anybody in the audience what a hot date with Chrisella would be, get yourself down

to Legoland. Spritz yourself in DK2. Drench yourself in DK2. And then head over to Tip Top Meats to choose something out of that meat counter and cook it up for you. A magical day. A magical Tip Top Meats. I don't know if I want a day where anything goes to Tip Top Meats to choose something out of that meat counter and cook it up for you. A magical day. A magical day.

I don't know if I want a date where anything goes to Tip Top Meats. Not on a first date, certainly. I was raised Catholic. I would never use that for a closer. Sure, yeah. Third date. Third date, yeah. You want to make sure that this ends up back at the old apartment.

Personally, I'm not going to Tip Top Meats, so I'm married. I'm saving my meat for marriage. You got to save that meat. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, plans, including paleo, vegan, vegetarian, keto, gluten-free, omnivore, and carnivore, for those of you who are raptors. Each ingredient is thoughtfully sourced, and its journey is tracked from planting to plating. Like Green Chef, do the meal planning, grocery shopping, and most of the prep work for you week after week after week. It will come straight to

your door, just like it did to mine and Jordan's. For $50 off your first box of Green Chef, go to greenchef.us slash jjgo. That's greenchef.us slash jjgo. We've also got something up on the Jumbotron this week, something to Vanessa from Adam. Vanessa, happy two-year wedding anniversary. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life. You're so kind, thoughtful, and supportive. I wouldn't be where I am today without you. We've had so many adventures over the past two years, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Vanessa, congratulations on choosing such a sweet partner with such poor judgment as to celebrate the anniversary with me telling you how much he likes you. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on Jordan, Jesse, go. You totally can. Why not email Kira at MaximumFun.org, K-I-R-A.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, nickname. Yeah. Mine is just because I bought a minivan. Did you buy a minivan? Yeah. What kind of minivan? Honda. Ah, look at that. Honda Odyssey. How do you like it? It's great. Okay. It's got a lot of features. I spent a week trying to talk my wife out of it. I was like, can't we just use the station wagon, whatever, whatever, whatever. And she was like,

I think we need to get a minivan. Honestly, I went down to that Honda dealership, drove that Honda Odyssey, said to myself, this is not a paid endorsement, said to myself, I could get used to this. I'm a minivan man. I'm still driving a station wagon, but the missus is driving a minivan. Minivan family. Jordan, how did you get your nickname?

Well, I'll debut the nickname. I'll tell the story behind it. There's a man that I know whose name is Rich. Uh-huh. And I interact with Rich

because he is a friend of one of my good friends. Yeah. And I always like seeing this guy. Rich is short for Richard? Hard to say. Don't know.

We're not that close. I have not asked him. What if it wasn't? Yeah. Rich is short for Eric. I'm very weird. I'm a confusing man. What if it wasn't? Yeah. Rich is short for Eric. I'm very weird. I'm a confusing man. And he is, if I was to describe his vibe, I would tell you that I basically always see him, he's always wearing shorts and an Outbreaker t-shirt.

Okay. I've never seen him outside of shorts and I have been to a wedding with him. I feel like this is your, like like this is really your cultural milieu. I think that while you have a very diverse group of friends, each of them themselves has four chill Southern California dude buddies that then enter your sphere. And you know what? I'm all right with it.

Because you know who loves to chill? Those guys. And you know who's not going to be weird about anything socially? Those guys. Can I tell you something really quick on the subject of rich not being short for Richard? Yes. There are more than one. I learned this today listening to a podcast, which I do from time to time.

There are two Major League Baseball players whose name is Chasen. Whoa. Chasen? A combination of Chase and Jason. Chasen? Oh, boy. Two? Yeah.

Two different Chasens. Not Chasen as in like, oh, I've been Chasened. Chasen. C-H-A-S-E-N. Do you have a favorite Chasen? I think, oh, I've been chasened. Chasen. C-H-A-S-E-N. Do you have a favorite Chasen? I like them about the same. Can we pitch a remake of Heart to Heart with Chasen and Chasen? Oh, boy.

Chasen and Chasen. Hello, TNT. So rich. So rich. Rich. And rich is always like, he's a guy who will come up with a spontaneous nickname for you when he sees you. Oh, that sounds nice. Is that because he forgot your name?

Jordan Meister J. No, no. He remembers. And I think he's Jordan Meister J-Man. He's not doing like sport. He's doing one that is your name, but with a variation. And I've never been super impressed by any of these nicknames he's come up with me. I like that he does it.

I'm into it. Yeah. I think that some of this is speaking of baseball. This is a big problem in baseball. They have this one day a year when everybody wears their nickname on their jersey. It's Players Day or something. Many of these baseball players,

there was a time when yellow journalists would call everyone the Splendid Splinter or whatever. These days everybody's nickname is just J-Man. Sure, yeah. And I've been called J-Man by many a dude. And I'm fine with it. I'm fine being just J-Man. Ah, sure. Yeah. And I've been called J-Man by many a dude. And I'm fine with it. I'm fine being called J-Man.

I'm okay with it. I don't care for it. But it's never been... It's never hit me in a way that this new nickname has. Oh, this is good. And I was invited to a queue, a BBQ, that Rich was also going to be at. And I get there.

Rich is in his sandals and his flops. He's drinking a Tecate. to a queue, a BBQ, that Rich was also going to be at. And I get there. Cue man. Rich is in his sandals and his flops. He's drinking a Tecate. And he sees me coming in and he's like, hey, Jay Morrison Associates. And I'm like, that fucking rules. That's so good. Yeah. So

for a while, I'm just going to go ahead and be Jay Morrison Associates. I love it. I love it too. I want be Jay Morris and Associates. I love it. I love it, too. I want to sue someone and hire you to run the company. Yes. I have no legal experience. But a cool name. But a cool name.

That was the name of my dad's company when I was a kid. Oh, yeah? Jay Morris and Associates. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, it was Lee Thorne and Associates. He had no associates. Well, you. Yeah, technically. A child can be an associate. Sometimes he would send me to the, you. Yeah, technically.

A child can be an associate. Sometimes he would send me to the post office. Yeah, there you go. So that's an example of associate-ness. That is a fun way to help your parents. Sometimes I'd photocopy my hand. Anyway. It is a fun way to help.

Jay Morrison and associates. Yeah. I was friends with the people at the post office. That's fun. I feel like the post office is one of the places in your life that can have the grandest distance between low quality and high quality experiences.

You go to a post office, it's a good post office. They're on it. They're nice. They know you. You'd think, why would anyone say anything bad about the U.S. Postal Service?

What a joy it is to participate in this community institution and connect with these fellow Americans representing their government so well through the efficient delivery of mail stuffs. You go to a bad post office, you want to commit suicide. Yeah. No one is at the windows and there's a bird in there. Yeah. I'm like, this sucks. suicide yeah no one is at the windows and there's a bird in there like this sucks why is no one here you open the thing to put your package in and there's just a rat ready to eat it sure yeah you're just feeding it to a rat napkin in his shirt you ever see those post offices that are only open like two hours a day and you're just like why what's the point like why are you here like we already built a office, so we figured we ought to use it.

Kind of. Kind of. I want to say that when, that reminds me, I think when I was a kid, my hometown had a library that was only open one day a week. And it's just like, you either learn that day or you just stay dumb for the other six days. It's like so weird. They're like, well, Burger King's open.

Yeah. Go there. Why not? Yeah. Yeah. You can learn about the like, well, Burger King's open. Yeah, go there. Why not? Yeah. You can learn about the further adventures of the Burger King Kids Club. I went when my childhood post office, the one that was on Tiffany Avenue,

the street that my dad lived on, I was so, the employees, it was always the same people. I was friends with them. They worked there for decades. Like my favorite place to go, go, how's your father? How's your mother? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, lovely, lovely, nice time,

community institution. When I moved to Hayes Valley in San Francisco, the closest post office was like on Market Street downtown, like a real, not in the fancy part of downtown, in the low-rent part of downtown. And I would just go in there and just every time there would just be a person with one eyebrow trying to mail like a hamper of dirty laundry. Sure, yeah. And just getting in a yelling fight with a woman like, you can't mail that! Someone who wrote an address on a paper box of apples. Yeah, and it just says, you know, President

Edward James Olmos or something. And, yeah. He's not president? I feel like that was... He is in my America. Nothing but respect for my president. Where the Statue of Liberty has clown babies and Edward James

Olmos is the president. That sounds like second season of Bubble. Yeah, that might actually be. I am actually out of ideas, so actually this is good that we're brainstorming. I feel like that's when I became a man, though. When I first visited that post office and had the scales torn from my eyes. 23? Yeah.

A little bit of a late boomer. That's also when I had my bar mitzvah I was gonna say I have my yeah it's like the Episcopalian

bar mitzvah you go to a terrible post office and lose faith in institutions shall we do momentous occasions I would love to

well when something momentous happens to you we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. Why, some people have already done so, Jordan. You can also email JJGoatMaximumFun.org with a, what do you call that? Voice memo. There you go.

Some people have already done so, Christella. Let's take a listen to the first. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Sonny D, and guests. This is Mike from New York. I was just driving around in Brooklyn, and, you know, since the Greatest Generation doesn't have momentous occasions, I had to tell you I saw Patrick Stewart. He was getting into a vehicle right in front of where I was stopped,

and like an idiot, I opened my window and yelled out, Hi, Captain, and he got in and he waved to me. And it made my life because it's Patrick Stewart. And he's very handsome in person. It's the second time I've actually seen him. But he acknowledged me and he was wonderful. I forget what the motto of the year is. So I'm just going to quote MOP and say, how about some hardcore?

Take care. Bye. Cold as ice how about some hardcore? Take care. Bye. Cold as ice. That's the theme this year. Naming lesser M.O.P. hits. That's nice that Patrick Stewart's cool about that. Well, you kind of have to be. You wouldn't expect him not to be, right?

Yeah. He's Patrick Stewart. He's a prince. It's Jean-Luc Picard. Sure. You know what I mean? You have an obligation as Jean-Luc Picard. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, you have an obligation as Jean-Luc Picard to- To engage.

Were we both getting after that? Yes! Yes! Yeah! Look at this. In sync. In sync. Ba, ba, ba.

That's us. Chrisella, you're a big Star Trek The Next Generation fan. Yes. TNG, yes. Are you TNG above all else? No DS9? No., TNG, yes. Are you TNG above all else? No DS9? No. No TOS? No, TNG was like my thing. No Star Trek 4?

The Voyage Home? Actually, you know, I grew up watching the movies. I love the movies, but TNG was, like, for me, it just had such a great world to it. And honestly, I like Q. I think Q is one of the coolest villains I think they've had in the star trek universe and i just like i liked um i don't know i just to me it clicked more with

than the other ones than voyager and deep space nine and stuff was scott bacula on star trek he was the cat he was the captain of something he was the one uh scott bacula that was the uh the one after deep space Nine, I think. I can't remember what it was called. Yeah, well, I'm sure nobody listening knows. Enterprise. Enterprise. Oh, this is embarrassing.

Oh, I love that. That's my favorite Star Trek series. They'll pick you up. I think you're thinking of Rattlecon. My actually favorite Star Trek was. They'll pick you up. I think you're thinking of Rattlecon. Oh, okay. My actually favorite Star Trek was Star Trek colon Hertz.

Yeah. Star Trek budget. I love Star Trek, though. I think Star Trek is so great. I love it. Do you, but you don't keep up

with it? You haven't, like, have you gone and watched the recent movies? Oh, all the, yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. it? You haven't, like, have you gone and watched the recent movies? Oh, yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

You know, for me, I don't go to the movies very often. But when I go to the movies, it's always to see either action movies, comic book movies I used to do religiously. But now it's, they're their own genre. So you can't, it's hard. Like, I used to say like i love batman right and i loved when i was younger you'd see a batman movie and your mind was blown but you knew that you wouldn't have another batman to like another four or five years you know so it kind of held you over and now every comic book like studio has a movie within a movie within it's a

turducken of, like, comic. Right, sure. You know, like – and it's overwhelming because I'm – And it does not care that you did not see the last one. Yes, because it's – That's on you. Buckle up. That's on you.

Yes. You should have seen the last one. So it's weird. Like, a moral obligation. Sure. Yes, but I also – and sci-fi. That's what I go see. Like, I don't go see rom-coms.

I really rarely – I rarely see comedies, you know. It's just I love sci-fi, action, and comic books. I mean, those are my movies. You know who I liked in Star Trek III, the new one? Jayla. Do you guys remember Jayla? No. She was great.

She had a lot of traps. And people don't talk enough about Jayla. People are mad that those new Star Treks had too much action and not enough conferences, which I get. But it's like no one talks about Jayla, and she lived on a strange planet in a husk of a spaceship, and she had so many traps. I love this. And no one talked about it after it happened. I'm like, this is great. She was just there on her own weird planet.

Yeah. I haven't seen it in a while. So I'm sketchy on the details. I know that just snapping and trapping looked cool. And then she was their enemy. And then she was their friend and help them with traps. I just don't understand. Like with Star Trek next generation,

like how did we're way in the future. Yeah. But for some reason, the British accent survived. I love it. But you know, it's like one of those things that I'm like, how did that survive? Yet so many others, you know, so many other things didn't. My biggest question about the future has always been why is Whoopi Goldberg only there sometimes? I'm sure. She gets Sister Act movies to make, I guess. Yeah, right. You don't hear a guy with a thick Boston accent.

No, it's like, hey, engage in shit. Engage, motherfucker. But you know, no Latino accent, no anything. Oh, we getting hit. Shields up and stuff. How did the British, oh, how did it survive? Hard to say. Probably something with crystals.

I think Patrick Stewart was protecting it. Oh, yeah. Right? Is he a big man? He seems like, I feel like in his latter days, maybe it's the diminution that comes with age. But I feel like I used to think of him as being big, but now I think of him as being small.

I don't know. You got an answer on that one, Christella? I don't know. I don't know. I've always thought of him as being big, but now I think of him as being small. I don't know. You got an answer on that one, Christella? I don't know. Wrong kind of nerd? I don't know. I've always thought of him as a medium man. Okay. A medium man.

By 5'10". That's a nice, solid medium. That's a medium to large, I would say, right? That's a medium. I love blunt talk. That's my Patrick Stewart. Yeah. Very weird show.

Why did they let Jonathan Ames make TV shows? Hard to say. It's because he's so funny. Yeah, he weird show. Why did they let Jonathan Ames make TV shows? Hard to say. It's because he's so funny. Yeah, he is really funny. He's so great. We got another call, don't we, Brian? Yeah. Get it.

Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Russell from Anchorage, Alaska. Today, a man had a heart attack at my office, and myself and a co-worker successfully shocked him back to life with an AED. In doing so, I knelt in the man's puddle of pee. Thank you very much, guys. I love the show. That's really cool. An AED, for folks you don't know, is an Amprovised Explosive Device.

And now what does Amprovised mean? Is that a word? No, I think they just like the way it sounds. Can we start an improv troupe? That's a great, momentous occasion. He saved a life and he knelt in pee. Oh my God. That's great.

That has everything. It's got suspense. It's got pee. Sure. It's got pee. Sure. It's got, you know. The two pillars of drama. Suspense and pee. I made a really powerful personal excretion-related decision the other day.

I took my children out, my older two children out, for a little adventure. Daddy adventure, we call it. Yeah. And which, in this case, much of their disappointment meant there was an estate sale that I wanted to go to. But generally, we'll go to the zoo or something. Sure. And we had had lunch.

Had lunch at a nice place called the Earth Cafe with a U. Oh, U-R-T-H. Yeah. Yes. Great little pies. Have you had one of the little pies? I had a nice quiche. I had a nice quiche. I had a nice quiche.

It's like a savory pie. And I took them to the bathroom. We went to a park across the street. Everything's going great until my son Oscar said to me, Daddy, I think I have poop in my undies. Can you check? And that means he's got poop in his undies yeah I've never been like nope it's just you just imagined it yeah you're just being paranoid Oscar phantom poops and what happened is this so I was very upset both because I had to deal with poop in the wild which you know

when you've got a diapers and stuff it's not that big of a deal but yeah with undies once you switch to undies poop becomes an extra much bigger deal and because we had just been in the bath i mean like literally five minutes before i had watched him go to the bathroom and then he pooped in his pants and i on the way over back to the Earth Cafe with my poop-laden child, I gave myself a privilege. I said, Jesse, you don't have to save these undies. Just toss them straight in the trash. That was a good call. Yeah. That was a good call.

How much does child's undies cost? That's what I figured. You know, a child's undie maybe costs $5. Okay. Something like that. Yeah. Wow. You think one pair of child's underwear costs $5?. Okay. Something like that. Yeah. Wow. You think one pair of child underwear costs $5?

Yeah, I think they do in 2018. I feel like we should play like prices right where we have to guess the price of a product. Okay. Let's find out. What are you guessing, Chrisella? I'm guessing five bucks for like a pack. I'm talking about like a pack of three superhero underoos. Okay.

Let's all guess how much. I'm going to guess three pack of superhero. A three pack would be no more than $8.95. Okay. I'm going to guess $6.95. Okay. $6.95, $8.95. Is this Price is Right rules?

Is it closest without going over? Probably. Maybe we can just do closest. The Underoos brand appears to have been taken over by adult ironists. So I'm just going to go to a popular retail website, and I'm going to type in Batman underwear for boys. Okay. Wow.

Extraordinarily inexpensive. A pack of seven. And this is the very pack I think that my child has. Costs $12.74. Okay. So that's less than two bucks per undie. That's $1.50 per undie or something. That's an extraordinary value.

I should be wearing these. Yeah, sure. It's a great value, but let's also acknowledge that you're the kind of baller that just throws undies to the wind. That's true. Trashes undies, goes back in the Earth Cafe and eats her little savory pie. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people try and amortize that expense, but I consider it disposable.

Yes, anything's disposable if you throw it away. That's good, yeah. My mom always said that. Yes, all the time. Yeah, before she and my father got divorced. Oh, man. Tough. Real talk. Yeah. I did feel like I felt like I really got hold of my own life in making that decision.

I said to myself, Jesse, you're a man. You deserve this. You don't have to try and save these poop undies. Yeah. I had a similar I'm right feeling just before we started this segment when Brian came in and told me that there's a message board thread somewhere dedicated to how much people don't like the I like coffee and working in the city. I'm not. I'm not an island. It's on LonelyOpinions.com. Yeah. Watch is streaming LonelyOpinions.com. Sure, yeah. Watch is streaming Simpsons too much. It's on your website. Did I start it?

Yes, I did. But a lot of people are jumping on there. Man, it seems like both of you had momentous occasions. Yes. That's good. The only other series of commercials that plays during the baseball game besides the one where Judy Greer is Hula Girl on top of the dashboard is another for gasoline. And it is the story of an adorable hipster couple who go on an adventure. And it's serialized, but it's not clear what order they're in.

There's many of them, but it's not clear what they seem to be. It seems to really matter which one you see first, but I can't figure it out. And there's just one where they got a van and they're sitting there and the husband tells the wife that he quit his job so they could go on this trip. And she's like, wait, you weren't supposed to do that. These people are love. First of all, I want to say in contrast to most characters drawn by 30-second commercials, these actors really shine in their brief moments on screen. And they really feel lived in and really create a character through strong choices. on screen and they really feel lived in.

They really create a character through strong choices. However, that having been said, I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about these two characters and I have no idea what it has to do with gasoline. Is that the end or is that the, you know, at what point in the story does that happen? It's not clear! That's part of the...

So they go on the trip driving everywhere and that's why they use the gas, right? Yeah, but it's not no part but at no part are they like, man, I feel free thanks to gasoline. Right, right, right, right. Thanks to, I don't know, Sunoco or whatever. And do they like coffee and work it in the city? They don't mention it, so it's really hard to know for sure. And they're listening to the greatest hits from Jay Morrison and Associates.

Oh, yeah. Yay. Yay. Jay Morrison and Associates, for all your needs. For all your needs. All the needs. All of them. All of them.

I'm going to get some business cards printed up. Jay Morrison and Associates, for all your needs. Going to buy a few ads on Backpages.com. Well, I'm going to buy a few ads on backpages.com. Sure, sure. Well, I'm going to buy some bus benches, I think. Something in the adult services section of Craigslist. Yeah, just let people know that I'm here for your needs. For your needs. Do you have needs?

You're not a boy. You're a man. I'm a man. I'm a man, and I can help with needs, and I have associates. You went to a bad post office at 23. Sure. You know the drill. We've all been there. Yeah. We've all been there. You've lost faith in

our institutions. I bought a dusty greeting card. Dusty greeting card was my wrestling name back in the 60s. That's a great name actually. Dusty greeting card is pretty awesome. That's like a lost folk album or something. Oh, man.

I love that. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Well, Adam, we're still putting out the Greatest Discovery podcast while we wait for season two. What are we doing with these episodes? We've talked to a whole bunch of interesting people like the Wall Street Journal's Ben Fritz and MaximumFun.org's own Danielle Radford. We're kind of using this time to find ways to entertain ourselves and you while we wait for the next season. So catch yourself up with Star Trek Discovery and join us Tuesday on The Greatest Discovery. It's on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. Podcasts. They're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this.

But let's face it, all that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop podcasting yourself. The stupid show that

smart people love. Find it on iTunes or MaximumFun.org La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, it up for one talking car. The minivan man. Jay Morrison Associates. Cristal the talking car. It's in public domain. Our friend Al Madrigal used to have a show called The Minivan Man. But I think that's done, right? It's been gone long enough to where you can assume the mantle. Yeah. If you think you're so great, Al, why don't you start your podcast back up again?

Al is really great. Don't taunt people to create better podcasts than ours. BRB, get the domain. Yes, thanks. Sorry, I got your domain. Thanks, guys. Chrisella, thank you for being on Jordan, Jesse, Go, and thank you for being in Bubble. Oh, my God.

That was so much fun, you guys. I can't wait to listen to the second episode. Are you concerned that you're going to be typecast as steely bosses slash possible evil overlords with the surname Klein? Is that like, are you going out for a lot more Klein parts? Oh, my God. I've been going out as a Latina actress. I just go to Klein maids. Yeah. You see all the other Kleins.

Yes. It's like, oh. It's so much fun. I never, you know, it's weird because I don't have a type when I go audition. But they try to put me wherever they can because I don't fit a certain category. And it was so much fun to do Bubble because Bubble was just – I love voiceover. Voiceover allows you to do anything. It allows you to have that world.

It's like a cartoon. I actually thought Bubble would make a great animated show. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think it would be fantastic on an adult swim or something like that. It's got its own personality and stuff. When am I ever going to play that character? I mean, you know, it's like, when am I going to do it?

You know? Yeah. I mean, I think something that we maybe like, you know, was maybe not great to do logistically, but I think great creatively was trying like whenever possible, like have people in the room together doing the scenes together. Yeah. Because, you know, this room can fit four people, you know, so. As long as you're willing to get sweaty.

Yeah. As long as you don't mind stank. It's not stank in here right now. No, it's not. It's nice. But there's only three of us. I'm getting a little beefy over here. But, yeah, I just, I, like, you, like, in particular, like, just did such a great job,

like, connecting with the other actors. I mean, it's because you're because you're an amazing, friendly person and a beacon of warmth that everyone's drawn to you. But all of your scenes, I feel like, are so great. You can hear, you're like, boy, they are in the same room having feelings about each other. They're just great.

I love your bits so much. You know, actually, I was going to say earlier, Jordan, one thing I really like about you a lot is your warmth and perkiness. You have like a happiness to you that's hard to explain. Can you explain it, Jesse? Yeah, whatever it is about me that people dislike, people like about Jordan. You guys are the yin and yang of the podcast. We're just two fish eternally chasing each other.

I have to admit, you know. I'm only salty when certain dating app commercials come up. Obviously. Match.com is your trigger. Yeah. I know. I fly into a rage. It was actually, I was really surprised.

I was really surprised that I was asked to do Bubble. And I think, you know, be honest I um I I have social anxiety I actually don't like being around people like I I struggle to be around crowds of any kind which is weird because I do stand up yeah you know but it's like and you seem to really like Disneyland I well you know it's it's that thing where I I do better with strangers that I'll never see again but if there's people that I like or you know I just's that thing where I do better with strangers that I'll never see again. But if there's people that I like or, you know, I just. The whole thing is like as long as you're vulnerable to a terrorist attack, you're fine. And it's weird because I actually, what we did, we met when I did Bullseye.

Yeah, that's true. And I remember when you when I got asked to do Max Fun East, I actually called my friends and said, I don't know if they got the right person. I think they wanted to ask someone else. And I almost said no. And it was actually an exercise. I said yes because I always say no. So I actually I said yes to going to Max Von East because I wanted to do something

different. And when I went, I had such a great time because everybody was so lovely. Like everybody, I didn't, you know, it was so much fun. It was awesome. So I actually came

back and told some of my friends. It was like an exercise for me. I said yes, and I had fun, and I'm going to keep saying yes. That's how I started doing stand-up. I started doing stand-up, and I told myself, I'm going to say yes, and the moment it stops being fun, that's when I say no. So I say yes to max fun because every time I do something, it's been a good experience.

Streaks alive. Yeah. Yeah. So how about, yeah, this is like a turkey, like bowling. Yeah. You know, so. By the way, I should mention we're moving next week and I could use some help. MaxFun is, no, not really. I was like, when I invited Christella to Max Fun Con, I was sure she would say no because she is so successful.

I was like, and also, like, I was like, when I saw her special, I was like, I'm going to come up with a scheme to become friends with this person. Invite her on my public radio show. And then I really truly was like, I was like, what thing could I do to interact with that cool lady again? Yeah. And then I think Jordan and I literally, when we were casting Bubble, Jordan and I had the conversation that was just like, Cristela wouldn't do this, would she? Let's just see how fast we can get the no and then move on to somebody else. Exactly. We were just like, well, we can just ask and she'll say no, but that's fine.

She doesn't have to say yes. She'll still be cool. Yeah. Do you know that I actually, I flew in, I was working, I was doing standup. I was in Jacksonvilleville florida and i had to change my flight i changed my flight to come here to record it was amazing like the first like i honestly i was like yes and then when i saw the schedule i'm like oh god i'm in florida and i literally i ended up having i I flew – not even joking.

I was playing Jacksonville, Florida. The only way to get in here, to get into MaxFun, to do the VO, I had to drive after my last show in Jacksonville. I drove to Orlando. It was like two hours. I drove two hours to Orlando. So how many times did you get through Anarchy Burger? Oh, man. I did two hours to Orlando. So how many times did you get through Anarchy Burger? Oh, man. I did the spoken word version.

You sent me the audio book version. I did all of it. But yeah, I drove from Jacksonville right after my last show. I left, drove to Orlando, got a room, got a hotel room. Literally the next morning, woke up at like six something in the morning and came to do Bubble so everybody has to listen to Bubble because I did this for you

it's a personal insult to Christella you know what a lot of people say that firefighters or policemen are heroes of the community they're not our real heroes our real heroes are Christelle Alonzo. I mean, I don't mean to say you're right, but.

From one city in Florida to a second city in Florida? On purpose. Yeah. Yes. Two whole Floridas. Jacksonville to Orlando. By the way, we're recording season two in Boca Raton. Okay.

Jordan, Jesse, go is over for this week. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez with us as always. Nope. Just this time and one other time. Christelle Alonso. Christelle recently deleted all of her social media accounts, so there's no way to know what she's up to. I don't even have a website right now. I'm taking a break.

I'm enjoying summer. But if I come back, when I come back, when I come back, I'm at Christella9 at all of the sites. All the things. Jimmy Pardo was worried about you, Christella. I know. I love Jimmy. He said she deleted her social medias.

I just want to know that she's okay. Yeah. Actually, I will text him right now after it's done. You got to text Jimmy. Let him know that you're okay yeah i need well actually i i will text him right now after it's done gotta text jimmy let him know that you're okay he's gonna be worried he's gonna be put off his food i well you know i mean hey i mean i don't do a lot of podcasts i do max fun stuff and i do jimmy's podcast that's really the only ones i do regularly. So, yes. Yes. I think he's just worried that, you know, I won't come back for Never Not Funny again. I mean, it's the

same here. I do Max Fun Shows. Go over and do Never Not Funny once in a while. In my case, I also have been the subject of a few episodes of My Favorite Murder. Oh. But I didn't actually appear on microphone. You were just, right.

Yeah. You were the Boca Raton straggler. Yeah. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. Jordan Morris is with me here. You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. We always enjoy hearing about that. You can also like Jordan Jesse Go Facebook, where you will get all the

dank memes. Some very dank memes came out of last week's program. Really enjoyed sharing those on the Facebook. And you can follow Jordan and I on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris.

If you remember, we're going to be traveling the country over the next few months. Are we? Well, I'm mailing you in a crate to Djibouti. Oh, Abu Dhabi? Abu Dhabi.

Thank you. Shipping from the Hayes Valley post office. Oh, I've heard it's a great post office. I really want to become a man. San Diego anyway. Yeah. Right. We're going. San Diego anyway? Yeah. Right?

We're going to San Diego. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure. Who knows where else we may go? The point is this. We have this policy. If you're not a bubble listener, we won't speak to you.

It's true. We won't speak to you. We will simply turn our backs on you. Turn our backs. We've worked very hard on that. It's like a reverse Jordan Jesse Go in that sense. Turn our backs on you. Oh, man.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Thank you.