Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 54: I Dream of Jordan

Episode Date: March 10, 2008

A listener calls in to describe a steamy dream starring Jordan plus Liam Neeson v. Leslie Neilsen and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dumm, fiddly, palm tree. This week, someone gets intimate with Jordan.

We get a telephone call from the ladies' room of a United States postal facility and much, much more. Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome, Jordan. It's good Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome, Jordan. It's good to be here. Yeah, it's always a pleasure to have you, Jordan. Thanks for that warm welcome, Jesse.

No problem. I thought you might want a warm welcome, given that we're in a mad scientist's laboratory. Yeah, yeah. But thanks. I mean, I've basically forgotten all about the horrible atrocities against God that are going on all around us. Sure. Because of that warm welcome. I knew that electricity was amazing, but I didn't know that it could do that. Yeah, right? You know what I mean? To a penis.

Yeah. Through a suction cup. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Who had any idea, honestly? Certainly not I, sir. No. Certainly not I.

Mm-hmm. This is truly the work of a deranged mind. This is a time of transition here in Los Angeles, Jordan. It's early March. I've taken the opportunity, as I'm sure you have, to put away my tweeds and bring out my seersucker. Right. I'm thinking maybe houndstooth this year. Yeah, sure.

Maybe some, I don't have anything. I should thinking maybe houndstooth this year. Yeah, sure. Maybe some... Maybe some... I don't have anything. I should have had something. How about a nice... Seems like a thing you would have. Jordan. Knowing the things that you have, Jesse, that seems like one that you would. You talking for that long has given me the opportunity to come up with...

Oh, wait, hold on. Do you want me to say houndstooth again? Yeah. I'm thinking houndstooth this year. I would say you should go with a nice prince of wales check fair enough there we go you know what this has been jordan jesse go you know what i wonder let's say you're a guy who's on television you know what i mean okay like you or myself sure we're both television stars certainly um. Cable television. The most expensive kind of television there is. How do people get by

without being able to wear plaid or checked sport coats? I assure you, sir, I don't know. There are people who are... Take Ted Koppel. He was on television. The guy from the best damn sports show. They're on television every night

for years. Years on end. How do they do it without checks? They warp on camera, Jordan. Yeah. You're not allowed to wear them. They're better men than us. You're not allowed to wear solid white. You're not allowed to wear solid black. You're not allowed

to wear all kinds of stuff. Tiny vertical stripes. Yeah, exactly. Tiny vertical stripes. Yeah, exactly. Any small pattern, any repeating. Like right now, I'm wearing a cotton shirt. It's kind of paisley. It has a paisley pattern.

This is actually a repeating pattern of small blue flowers, tiny blue flowers. Okay. You're wearing it distant, so you can't quite see exactly what it is. And I couldn't wear this on television. The design would warp. It would warp. I'm a little worried about this gray sweatshirt I'm wearing. Exactly. You might disappear.

You can't wear any green in case you might be in front of a green screen. Oh, Jesus, Jordan. There's a lot of rules. Nobody told me the entertainment industry was going to be this difficult. Yeah, let's give up. Yeah. Okay, well, we'll see you never again on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Don't get me started on podcasting.

There's all kinds of rules. Talking to the microphone. Turn on the microphone. Be in the same room as the microphone. Jeez. Where are we, a podcast or Nazi Germany? Tell me about it, Mussolini. Yeah.

We'll be back in just a second. You're not kidding. Who's the Mongolian guy? Genghis Khan. Tell me about it, Genghis Khan. You got it, Montezuma. Looks like a real Montezuma's Revenge type situation. Yeah.

Is that diarrhea? Yeah, that's when you can't... You can get sick in Mexico because the water is amoebas. You can get dysentery. Really? Well, dysentery or something that just makes you poop. I mean, it's not always dysentery. If you get dysentery, though, it's important to stay hydrated.

No, thanks. That's a take-home for everyone out there in the audience. If you get dysentery, please stay hydrated. That's important. We like to throw in a little educational thing every now and then so we can keep our public funding. Yeah, exactly. We're tax dollars at work.

You know, the Canadian Film Board would not be giving us the hundred grand a year it does to make this podcast if we didn't slip in the occasional tip. Make sure that you get something with electrolytes. A great possibility, you know, people think automatically Gatorade, right? How about just some Pedialyte? Right. You know, you can make your own Pedialyte

at home. Search for make your own Pedialyte on the internet. You'll find out how. We'll be back in just a second. What about Powerade? Can I make my own Powerade? No, that's impossible. Right. Powerade only comes from Michael Jordan's sweat. Oh, right. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Yes, Nutsy is my taxidermied squirrel. We should also say he has an acorn in his hands. Right. Has that been taxidermied? That's probably yes. Okay. Or is it some sort of false acorn? I can't imagine they would, a false acorn. You know, fiberglass or something.

Jesus Christ, you're really making me question my assumptions about what's real and what's fake. Wait a minute, you've been... You're the Las Vegas of co-hosts. You've just been assuming that's a real acorn this whole time? I just thought, you know, you know the old saying, from a tiny acorn the mighty oak grows. Oh, well, I mean, yeah, I can see how that would lead you to think that about your taxidermied squirrel's acorn don't you think it raises the level of professionalism in here don't you think it gives a the podcast a little extra extra snap crackle pop you know i will say this about nutsy's presence in the room i'm less likely to start masturbating now that he's in here because it's weird let's's be clear. That's not to say that you were likely to start masturbating before. Right.

It was, but certainly it was in the cards. Yeah. It was a possibility. I'm not going to rule it out entirely. Under the right circumstances, you know, I have to go, let's say I go to the store. Sure.

Because I'm going to get us some sodas. Right. Like some Jarritos. to get us some sodas. Right. Like some Jarritos. Totally plausible. Totally something that might happen. You might want to knock one out just to relax. Mm-hmm. Knock one out.

Peel enough. Yeah, exactly. Kick one down. Mm-hmm. Sure. Absolutely. But Nutsy's here. That's actually why I moved Nutsy in here.

Because I've been worried that you've been masturbating in my office. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, can I... In the introduction of the program, we were talking about the fact that I'm wearing this

shirt with a very small pattern on it. So a white shirt with little blue flowers. I haven't worn this shirt in a long time. It's one of my favorite shirts. Very nice, a lovely, very fine cotton in this shirt, German cotton from before

the unification of Germany. And that's the German cotton you want to get, by the way, Jordan. When that wall came down, all the craftsmanship with the shit. With it fell the quality standards in German cotton. Anyway, but I hadn't worn this shirt in a long time, not just because it's a summery weight and it's been cooler, but also because I've been fat.

I've been a fatter guy. Not fat. Not obese. Fat for you. But fat for me. I had been, the last time I got fat, I ended up making a television commercial where I was nude and flopping around. And I looked at the commercial and I thought, oh, I know what the joke of this commercial is. It's that I'm fat. Yeah. Yes.

No, I mean, I feel the same way. I mean, oftentimes, I'm... You just recently got naked or stripped down to your briefs in front of Woody Harrelson. Yeah, yeah. On the television program I appear on, I often am nude for comic.

I am in my undies or take off my shirt. Look like probably American apparel briefs. Yes. Oh, I like those American apparel briefs. I had to buy a pair of those for comedy. I've been a boxer man for a long time. And I had to buy a pair of those for comedy

and really liked them um i don't i don't know and then i i bought several more pairs you know when i was in that television commercial they we did a several different takes one was where i was holding the final shot the premise of the commercial is that uh i'm a corporate guy who just can't take the pressure anymore he needs to express himself so he tears off all his clothes and quits his job okay um like tears off his all his clothes during a presentation so i do that and then they show the thing oh go to this arts college instead of working in a corporate job. And then the tag is me walking out of the place past the secretary, but I'm naked.

Yeah. So we shot three versions. One was the naked version for the internet. One was the version where I'm holding the box of my possessions in front of my junk, blocking my junk. And the third was the underwear one, which was like the TV version. And the underwear that I got,

they picked out this kind of jokey underwear that had little fire trucks on it and stuff. But I was really into it by this underwear company. And I don't think I'm being, I don't think I'm speaking out of school to say this gay underwear company called Ginch Gonch.

Ginch Gonch. Ginch Gonch. How do you know that it's gay, Jesse? Just because it's called Ginch Gonch. Ginch Gonch. Ginch Gonch. How do you know that it's gay, Jesse? Just because it's called Ginch Gonch and makes firetruck underwear for adults. Why are you assuming that it's gay? I'll tell you how I know that it's gay. You, sir, are a bigot. Jordan, because after I liked this underwear so much, I thought, what is this Ginch Gonch?

And I asked the lady, where did you get the ginch gonch? Because I got to keep it, you know. She said, well, I got it in a gay store. And it was a gay-themed store in the Castro in San Francisco. What was it called? Do you know what it was called? In the butt? No, I don't have any idea.

Just because it was in the Castro and called In the Butt, you, sir, are a bigot. I may or may not be bigoted, but this is not a point in either direction. I visited the website. Sure. And having visited the website, I can say conclusively that it is a gay underwear company. And I mean no animus when I say that. Obviously, I liked the underwear.

I support it. Okay. And it supported me no sure um i what i'm trying to say here is that uh when it comes down to american culture if you're looking for underwear and you're a dude you're not going to go to other straight dudes because they don't have any taste in underwear no okay okay so i went to the ginch gonch and, and I became a convert to Ginch Gonch brand underwear. What are you dropping for a pair of Ginch Gonch? The Ginchers are, they're in the, you know, they're in like the, I bought them on sale.

They have a sale, you know, I signed up for the email list in the sale. But they're still $10 or $15 a pair. I mean, they're not a daily thing, but, you know if you once in a while if you want to have some fun in the bedroom you might want to wear the ones that um have the big uh like red white and blue kind of evil kenevil star on the on the business area or like i i got a really nice pair really let your lady know that she's lucky yeah exactly i got one with motorcycles on it oh um it's a lot of fun. So it's fun. It's interesting, I guess, what I'm trying to say is that we both found a new kind of underwear

from the fact that we had to have comedy underwear. Right, yeah. And the American apparels are about 12 bucks a piece. They kind of come in these bright primary colors. these bright primary colors um they're cute it's it's i thought you looked cute jordan well shut up um but my my thing is that i can i can write them off as costumes oh i've gotten a couple pairs but they have all appeared on camera at some point so okay i don't feel too shady that's nice i don't see now here's the thing i'm inclined to prefer a brief with a bit of elastosine or spandex in it oh yeah those are 100 cotton and i feel like sometimes they get kind of bent out of shape yeah um haven't run but yes no i'm sure that maybe to multiple once i have once i've had these for a while they may not hold up to have i ever told you the number one thing that i do for myself sort of in the way that a

lady will tell you like when i'm feeling down I go get a mani-pedi? Oh, sure. You jack off in front of Nutsy. Jack off on Nutsy, Jordan. Thank you very much. Wow. I go to, what? You fucking brought it up.

You're the one that's making all these jack off jokes about my squirrel. I'm not. I'm not. Jordan, don't try and turn this around on me. Don't turn this around on me don't turn this around on me jordan all right and don't try and you reuse my joke while turning it around on me and pretending that you're offended by it all right um i like to go to ross check out the underwear section and i'll try a new kind of underwear yeah that's like fun because i don't want to pay

twenty dollars for a pair of underwear like ross that's like fun. Because I don't want to pay $20 for a pair of underwear. Yeah, no, like Ross, you're like seven bucks, you get a three-pack. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know, in my case, I want the fancy kind, so it's $4.99, $5.99 for one. But that's what I'm comfortable paying for an underwear. Especially if I buy them one or two at a time, you know? Yeah. How do we get talking about underwear so much?

Oh, you know, because we were talking about, and this is something I'd like to get back. Oh, our body consciousness. Noel, the realization that showing our bodies is a joke. In place of a joke, we can just reveal our bodies to the camera. Yeah, boy. Yeah, I feel like I'm a little fat. I'm a little fatter than I'd like to be. You know, it's funny. than I'd like to be.

You know, it's funny. When we first met, your freshman year of college, somehow between your freshman year of college and your sophomore year of college, you lost a lot of weight. Yeah. Is that true? Yes. I remember that.

Might have been, oh, that was a big breakup summer. Oh. I don't know if that had anything to do with it. Maybe not. I don't know. Because you were trying to meet hot new chicks or because you couldn't eat? Well, I was vomiting a lot. You were vomiting from sadness.

Yes, yeah. But both you and I, like I grew up as a... Oh, can I actually... Okay, go for it. I actually want to tell a story about Breakup Summer. I want to hear the story. Actually, someone told me a similar story and I can't remember what was on the message board. You can't remember what happened to you, whether it happened to you or someone else.

This might have been me or some characters in Who's the Boss. This might have just been a story Tony Danza told on Letterman Woods. Yeah. Anyways, the summer, I had my first girlfriend my senior year of high school. You guys were very close, I remember. Sure, sure. And I went off to college and she stayed behind in Orange County and we LDR'd it. Anyway, so I came back for the summer and she kind of went on this two-week post-high school jaunt around Europe.

And whilst there, met another guy and came back, yada, yada. And anyways, that was bad, but to kind of punctuate – Was it like a French guy? No, it was just a guy who was on the trip. It was like kind of semi-organized through school um and kind of when uh when um uh anyways and and it was kind of uh this that was the start to what was kind of a bad summer and because in my car had broken down so i needed a job that summer that i could walk to and the only thing available

was in orange county there's a um there's a man-made lake uh-huh that you need like a membership card to get into like you live live in certain surrounding gated communities you can have access to this because you pay dues you paid part of your like condo association and then there's like you know there's summer concerts where flock of se Seagulls and the Righteous Brothers will come. But mostly Flock of Seagulls. Mostly Flock of Seagulls. Paula Cole came to the year. Anyways, so my job was to sit in the booth and check people's ID cards and then allow them access to the lake or not allow them access to the lake.

And it's usually – and it was just a sad, pathetic job staffed by other sad, pathetic guys. And I remember just- Were you allowed to listen to the radio or anything? Yeah, yeah, you could listen to the radio. So you had your Rush and your Dr. Laura. You could bring magazines. No, the radio was almost always monopolized by the other guy.

The other guys in the booth with me were really big, strong personality guys. So to give you an idea of what kind of guy it was, mostly we listened to Pennywise. Sure. We listened to a lot of Pennywise. And I don't mean to say that I haven't enjoyed some Pennywise in my day. No, you have. In high school, I definitely enjoyed it. But a day of No, you have. In high school, I definitely enjoyed it. But a day of...

Even an album... You're a red-blooded Orange County man. Absolutely. But I don't see any reason to listen to a Pennywise album all the way through. But we did. Sometimes just started it right over after it got done.

You have listened to Pennywise in the same way that I listen to the same you have listened to pennywise in the same way that i listened to and support or have listened to and supported a tracy chapman sure there you go you know it's just down hometown pride yeah um uh anyways so the day i remember like, you know, broke up in the evening. And the next day I had to, like, trudge down the hill to this gate where I'm sitting with this guy. And he had the Orange County Weekly with him, which is, you know, the alternate newspaper. And he spent the entire day prank calling the prostitutes in the back. Oh, jeez.

I think that was maybe the lowest I've ever felt in my life. Just sitting there listening to this guy asking a prostitute if he can poop on her, then hanging up and wanting to high five me. And that was it. But I feel like if I can make it back from that, like if I can bounce back from that day. Finally someone's taking those prostitutes down a peg. Yeah, right? Come on.

How dare they? Jeez Louise. Sometimes someone had a good laugh at their expense. They're getting so, walking around. They're getting arrogant. Like they own the place. Oh man. Anyways, so yes.

They're acting like we should pay them for sex. Right? Anyways, so yes.'re acting like they're acting like we should pay them for sex right um anyways so yes i think maybe that really is sad but but apparently i came back from that summer real svelte and handsome no you did i and i in fact i also remember that i think that was one of the times that you cut off your hair yeah you had short hair yeah i did i i uh i that was one of my one of my head shaved times i remember we've talked obviously on the show about the varying powers of your hair your hair being a sort of like uh um uh what's the guy who's samson is that the one who's hair yes yes that's the the biblical character yeah it's sort of like where your power lives. Yeah, yeah, it's definitely comedy hair.

I was watching Battlestar Galactica the other day, and there was a scene where someone really seriously cut their hair off, and I couldn't do it. I mean, Battlestar Galactica is a fantastic show, don't get me wrong. I couldn't buy into it. It was like a new beginning. Oh, okay. The lady was cutting her hair off.

Gotcha. Yeah, I was checked out. I checked out for about 30 seconds. Interesting. I'm like, nope, nope, not buying it. Let's have a different show. Actually, that show also had a character who got symbolically fat, and it was really stupid.

Wow. It was really dumb. Just like over the course of a few seconds? No, between seasons. Oh, he came back fatter? He came back super fat. And is that like a plot point? It was a plot point.

And it was supposed to symbolize that he had gotten like soft and didn't care anymore. Right. But it was completely, like the actor who plays this character, the character's name is Apollo. He plays Edward James Olmos' son on the show. Okay. He is super ripped, like creepy ripped.

Yeah. Like if anybody has watched The Wire, like what's his name? The boss guy, I can't think of his name. Not Rawls. Is it Rawls? No, Rawls is the white guy. No uh i can't think of his name not rawls is it rawls no rawls is the white guy no maybe it is rawls anyway i can't remember anybody's name ever but sure dude super ripped is what i'm saying and he was just like they just like had some shots that were like neck down shots of how fat he was oh gosh it was clearly like clearly like, he's clearly like wearing a fat suit. Just wearing a fat suit.

Yeah. Like, and then they're using a fat double for the neck down. Yeah, exactly. And the, and the story arc of him being fat literally lasted three episodes. And then he was just inexplicably ripped again. No,

they explained it, but it didn't like, it was just like him, like coming out of the gym, like got over that. Also, I took space fitness pills. He's also super ripped again.

Nice. Jesus Christ, Apollo. What's your problem? Right? Let's just talk about Battlestar Galactica some more. I'll listen to you talk about Battlestar Galactica and then ask you a question about it. I'll tell you something about Battlestar Galactica. Good show.

Yeah. I like that Battlestar Galactica. You've mentioned that. I don't know if I've described exactly why, but I'll tell you why. It's because I enjoy it. It's enjoyable and I care about it, but I don't care about it that much. And this has been, as we've talked about on the show, big problem in my life. Right, right, right. You don't want to care about a TV show. You don't want to care about too many shows too much. I don't want to care about a TV show. You don't want to care about too many shows too much. I don't want to care about any show ever again as much as I care about The Wire.

That's how I would summarize it. Gotcha, kind of ruined your life a little bit. Like when I watch an episode of The Wire and people know what a big fan of The Wire I am and then they're surprised sometimes. I wonder what the last episode we did where he didn't mention The Wire was. Yeah, exactly.

That's the trivia contest for today. 206-9844-FUN The last episode where Jesse did not mention The Wire. We're going to get Paul. I was just emailing with Paul Scheer from the Human Giant the other day about when he comes back to LA, he's going to come

do the show with us. This show? That's just going to be me and Paul Scheer talking about The Wire. Should I even show up? No, don't even bother? That's just going to be, yeah, and that's just going to be me and Paul Scheer talking about The Wire. Oh, boy. Should I even show up? No, don't even bother. It's just going to be Wire talk. But anyway, people are surprised that... Even though I'm watching before then.

I have the DVD. I should power through. Anyway. I've been watching The Wire for... I mean, a lot of people just sort of just came to The Wire, and I didn't watch The Wire from when season one was on, but, you know, like season two. I've been watching it for a long time, and people are really surprised that i'm not that

i'm not up to date which i'm totally not but it's just because like every time i see one i just flip the fuck out i just freak out like i'll be like crying or just like totally destroyed emotionally. Masturbating on a taxidermied squirrel. You got it. You got it. Jordan. Yeah. This segment was going to be about the fact. How we're fatso's.

But the fact that I have for the first time ever in my life, and I mean this quite literally, the first time ever in my life begun to exercise. How's that going? It's okay. What happened is... I noticed you guys have exercise equipment in your building. You guys have a little gym.

What happened was this. We had this exercise equipment in our building. What do you got? Like an elliptical? We got an elliptical, two treadmills, one of those lifting machines, you know, with like a different pin you put in them, different weights. Yeah, pin lift.

And like a stationary bike. Yeah, that's like a pin lift. And like a weight bench. It's like a very, it's, you know, just a one room operation. Are there mounted televisions? There's one mounted television, yes. Okay. Are you free to change the channels?

Yes, you can change the channel. And it's good because at least when I go, there's never anybody in there. That's nice. It's nice. Free reign. You can get the channel, and it's good because at least when I go, there's never anybody in there. That's nice. It's nice. Free reign. You can get free reign. I usually listen to podcasts, but this morning I watched an episode of Monk. Oh.

It was fun. It was nice. That's a fun show. But anyway. Monk. I just like, what happened was we had this equipment in there, and I always think maybe I should go use it sometime. Sure.

And like Teresa really loves exercising. It's a great luxury. Teresa's a really committed exerciser. And she, you know, she runs like five, seven miles a day. And I tried to run with her once when we were living in San Francisco. I mean, not literally one time, but for one brief period of time, like a couple of weeks. And I hurt myself really quickly, despite the fact that we were doing like the super easy beginners, you know, how to ramp up. And then I was just like, fuck this, I'm never exercising again. But then like we had this equipment, so I kept feeling more and more guilty. And then we were going to move. And I was like, gosh, I guess I'll never use that equipment, you know? And then we moved down the hall and i thought well i should just start exercising

also uh when i realized that i was going to be on tv a lot yeah that was good that was enough to like push me over the edge i was just like you know what would i rather be on tv a lot as the slightly fatter version of me or the slightly skinnier version of me and i was just like you know what i'd rather be the slightly skinnier version of me? And I was just like, you know what? I'd rather be the slightly skinnier version of me. Fair enough. I don't think I'm ever going to like exercise enough to be a fit. Sure. Per se. You're not going to become muscular at any point. No, not at all. I've never in my life been muscular and I don't plan to become muscular. I don't plan to do anything that pushes any of my limits. I want to make that clear. You're not going to feel tired ever. No, but I will sweat a little bit. Okay.

I realized I had hardly sweat in years. Wow. Just not at all. Yeah. Since I spent a summer in Washington, D.C., I basically hadn't sweated. How about it? It's a weird thing.

Do you still exercise regularly? Yeah, no. No, I only just started. I go to this weekly mystical movement dance class. Oh, no, I, um, uh, no, yeah, I, I only just started, I, I go to this weekly mystical movement dance class. Oh yeah, mystical movement dance, sure. I started that, that's once a week and that's, uh, that's pretty, um, uh, that's pretty, uh, strenuous. Mm-hmm.

I'm a little worried I'm going to roll an ankle. Really? Yeah, that's my main concern. Give me an example of a move you learn in a mystical movement dance class. Ooh, there's the, you know, there movement dance class. There's the butt pump. Sure, butt pump. Wow, that's very mystical. Walk it out. Oh, walk it out.

Yeah, you do some marching. Wait, when you say walk it out, do you mean you do the dance to the song Walk It Out? No, I don't know the song Walk It Out. Oh, okay. Is that like tighten up uh no it's more like uh it's more like crank that soldier boy okay it's more of a crank that soldier boy type song fair enough you know what i'm talking do you ever crank that soldier boy no you ever superman that hoe no um somebody asked me recently what supermanning a hoe was it might have been me was it yeah it's

a terrible is it it's one of those like it's something you should not it should not something you should not be allowed to say on television especially if you're 17 which i'm pretty sure soldier boy is nice believe it involves um just for the benefit of our audience, ejaculating on a woman while she's asleep so that the sheet sticks to her. Oh. And then when she wakes up, it's like she has a cape like Superman. Oh. No, that's not...

That's a little more... That's just a little more mischievous than it is awful. That's kind of charmingly mischievous. On the other hand, it's also like one and a half steps from rape. Oh, okay. Oh, I think that's maybe something you did to your girlfriend, like the Dutch oven or something.

Yeah, no, I mean... Just to annoy her. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. I just... Anyway, this exercising thing, big thing in my life right now.

I don't know. It's weird. You go and like exercise and you get tired and you take a shower yeah i don't know how people do this yeah including me i've been doing it for i don't know a month or so and you're in no idea in your mind it's really i don't enjoy it yeah um i don't hate it as much as I thought I would. But you're not looking forward to your exercise time. No. I mean, it's okay.

It's fine. I'm fine with it. Right. And I think it's cool how I'm getting, moving away from Fat Jesse. Okay. Which I am. Good. But I don't know.

I don't know. It's a weird thing. You know how people are always, like Teresa, when she goes to run, she loves that shit. She fucking loves it. She'll tell you all about how much she loves it.

Yeah. She's so great. She subscribes to running magazines, doesn't she? Yeah, she subscribes to two running magazines, although one of them is called The Running Times and Runners Times, maybe. She doesn't like that one. She likes Runner's World. Okay.

And she'll tell me about something she read in Runner's World. She'll be like, take a look at this Paula something or other. She's such a great runner. She ran until she was seven months pregnant, and then like three months after she had a baby, she won the something or other marathon or other. She's such a great runner. She ran until she was seven months pregnant. And then like three months after she had a baby, she won the something or other marathon or something. Boring. I don't know. I guess I'm probably pretty much doing that to our audience right now, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that audience. It's just something that's going on with me. Are you going to start doing something again, Jordan? Are you going to start going to

the Y to swim? Yeah, no, that was what I did before, but I just live too far away from the Y. It's just not, and the Y isn't open. Why don't you just buy a swimming pool? Oh, yeah. Have one put in. God, I feel like a real dork. Mr. Television. Yeah, I know, I know.

I forgot that I was Mr. Television. Yeah. Sometimes I have to be reminded that I'm Mr. Television. You could probably get underwater flat screens in it. Yeah, that might be nice. Maybe you could get some kind of speaker system that broadcasts through the water. That also would be nice. I'm just saying some different stuff that would be nice, Jordan.

Just throwing it out there, Jordan. Sure. Just throwing it out there. Maybe some sort of dangling candy that I can jump out of the water and get. Dangles above the pool. Oh, above the pool. Yeah. I water and get dangles above the pool oh above the pool yeah i was imagining it dangling into the pool oh no then it would be wet yeah i wouldn't come on i wouldn't care because people pee in the pool me it's mine i pee in it yeah exactly be drinking

my own piss dude if i had a pool i would pee in that pool so much. Oh, my God. You're Mr. Television. Yeah, absolutely. And then I'd be like, see you tonight, America. Pissed in the pool. Yeah. Then I would go, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo. Pretty sure that's the song from SportsCenter. Maybe.

I'm not here to tell you that it's not. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse. I am... Jesse. Jordan. Jordan, the sponsor of Jordan, Jesse Go. I want to see that. Dot com? Dot com.

I'm going to ask, I'm going to say a movie to you. Okay. And you tell me whether you want to see that. Okay. 10,000 BC. I want to see that. So do I. Oh, great. Have you clicked it on the site yet? I haven't clicked it yet

I got to click it Because if we had clicked that It gives you a list of the movies That are coming out this week You click on it And then it tells you It would have told me that you wanted to go see that too Yes, it's like a little MySpace type thing.

You set up a profile, your friends set up profiles, and then you compare the movies that you want to see, and then you make plans to go see them. Very convenient, super fun. Very simple too. Absolutely. I like what I like about this website. Not a lot of bullshit.

No, not a lot of weird ads. You can review a movie if you want to. But you don't have to. There's a podcast you can watch, but it's not shoved in your face. They don't force it down your talk hole. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? They'll let you just say, this is what they say.

Tell us what your name is. Tell us what your email address is. Click on the movie you want to see. We'll tell you which one of the other people that's on here that's your friend wants to see that movie too. Hassle free. Can I ask you a question about 10,000 BC? Yes. Will it have saber-toothed tigers?

Almost certainly, if the poster is any indication. Okay. And usually posters are indications of what kind of content will be in the movie. I'm going to take this one step further, Jordan. Will it have mastodons? Almost certainly. Now, Jordan, this is what is known in the French

as a pièce de résistance. Sure. Le crème de la crème. Jacques Cousteau. France. Will it have giant bear sloths? I don't know. i haven't seen one of those in the preview i should hope there's at least one in the background i would like to see a giant bear sloth movie me too i'd like to see a bear sloth stampede a gradual stampede i'd like to see it as narrated by marty

stauffer of wild america specifically okay hey do you like marty stouffer you don't know what that is you don't know what marty stouffer is for gosh sakes i'm marty stouffer for wild america no nothing yep what about bay area back roads am i getting anything here bay area back roads it's all just recently making sounds recently friend of maximum fun.org uh merlin man met the host of bay area back roads this was big news in my world wow it's sort of like there's a guy down here who i think is roughly equivalent named huell hauser oh sure yeah yeah the doug mcconnell of uh bay area back roads is roughly a guy. Yeah. Speaking of which, I know that usually we just end our sponsorship segment, but I had an idea last week.

Okay. So last week, you may remember that Jasper Red had the brilliant idea of converting our singing of local television commercial jingles and radio and television jingles into a mixtape hosted by Don Cannon, the famous DJ. I don't think we're going to

be able to get Don Cannon on board. I can't say for sure, but I don't think we can. However, Jordan, however, I still think we should go ahead with the project okay action item for our audience right sing a song you remember from uh the localer and more defunct the business the better yes uh if. If you want to sing, for example, I'm going to give you an example. If you grew up in the

Bay Area, I'd like to hear someone sing, I'm a credit man, from the Diamond Center commercials. If you grew up in Southern California, how about a rendition of the best oldies K-Earth 101? Give us a call,

sing the song, and say where it's from. We'll remix it. And then we're going to play only the best. Only the best are going to make it to the air. Only the most amazing singers, the most amazing songs. Vibrato. Vibrato. Pizzicato.

La Dolce Vita. Mm-hmm. Italy. vibrato vibrato uh pizzicato uh la dolce vita italy europe caveman times thank you we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go la la la la la la la it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart Just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, last week on the program, if I recall correctly, we had a discussion. In this discussion, we discussed the fact that you have to admit in Hollywood-y type meetings that you don't really watch any television shows besides futurama right yeah and actually they actually came up a few days after we did the podcast and this time i was really up front like he so you were meeting with um uh i'm guessing

ron howard yeah roll ron howard and the weinsteins. Sure. I mean, they, you know, it's kind of a package deal these days. Absolutely. And Louis B. Mayer. Right. And, um. And Fatty Arbuckle. Fatty Arbuckle, yes. I was trying to think of one of those old time Paramount guys to say Hal Ashby. Yeah, sure. Hal Ashby or something. Anyway, so... Ah, William Shakespeare. There you go. And Christopher Marlowe, who was really doing all the writing. And a cave painter. What's up with back in time reference joke?

I feel like we've done a lot of back in time reference joke. Yeah, it's a crutch. Sorry about that, audience. Yeah, we'll try and cut it out. We'll try and stop and in the meantime you can throw it in the drinking game. That you're all really excited about.

Yeah. Anyway, so I had another one of these and just the question came up, like, hey, we just want to see what you respond to. Like, what have you been watching these days? And, I mean, it always comes up. It always comes up with that tale.

We just want to see what you respond to, and you're like, stimuli. Right. I'm like a baby. I know that when the bell rings, I get a food pellet. Or maybe kind of like an anemone. When something hits one of my tentacles. You try and draw it towards your mouth. bell rings i get a food palette well maybe kind of like an anemone when something uh when something hits one of my tentacles you try and draw it towards your mouth yeah sure thinking it's some sort of detritus food yeah absolutely um yeah i just said listen i'm gonna level with you i don't

actually watch a lot of tv jordan you're even more beautiful than a cianemone oh thanks jesse and more deadly and more purple and more containing of venom yeah absolutely um they have a tiny amount i have a moderate amount do they have a beak or anything i don't know i think they just have regular i think they just have like a like a membrane yeah some sort of membrane porous membrane yeah probably some kind of porous membrane not baleen no they certainly don't have baleen no that's a whale you're thinking yeah that's a baleen whale specifically not like a not a sperm whale no that's a toothed whale yeah this is like a blue whale maybe a pilot whale

sure absolutely is that a toothed whale that may be a toothed whale but i'm telling you a blue whale or a humpback whale those are definitely baleen whales gray whale gray whale may be a toothed whale. But I'm telling you, a blue whale or a humpback whale, those are definitely baleen whales. Gray whale. Gray whale, that's a baleen whale. Sure. Yeah, you bet. Blue whale, the blue whale.

I already said blue whale like three times. I wasn't listening. Is that what the Hollywood guy said after you told him that you didn't watch television? Yeah, so I said, listen, I'll level with you. I've been watching a lot of Mysteries of Night's Theater online. And I have rabbit ears, so every once in a while I catch a letter from him when I come home from work. But that's, you know, but I don't watch a lot of TV.

And got a real definitive weird look. Like, got an honest weird look from him. And then he says, all right, well, how about movies? Like what movies have you seen recently that you liked? And the only thing that came to mind, I'm like, well, I thought the funniest movie last year was Shoot Em Up. And then he looked at his assistant and he said, he's like, I didn't see that.

Did you see that? And the assistant goes like, yeah, it was something else. Oh, jeez. Yeah, so I, and then I said, yeah, I liked Beer Fest. When did Beer Fest come out? And the assistant's like, that was like three years ago. And you didn't even like Beer Fest that much. i'm more like what beer like the idea of it yeah i thought that beer fest represented you like the fact that a character died in beer fest then

reappeared in the next scene yes and um and no second act yeah i didn't have a second act that's true it was a long first act and a really long third act that was weird um so yeah anyways i um so i was honest and it got me weird and i'm not one to say that something went bad when it went good jesse you you know i'm not one of these you know jordan i can be real and say when something went well and when something went bad. In every silver lining, I can find a cloud. Right. In Jordan, for you, you traipse through life as though you were skipping through a field of golden daisies. Yeah.

This went bad. I was saying it was the wrong move to make. I should have watched a couple of hot shows before i went into this so you could have said well the real housewives of orange county right for instance and then you pleasure and then you and then you just go well i'm talking about my mom right i watch my mom um yeah so anyways there's uh there's a little resolution to that thing from last time so did you did you have you come up with a new plan yet can you just think of a few things that you can say that you like no can you say that you like human giant yeah yeah i and i did i didn't

mention human giant i did say that i've illegally downloaded you know yeah so yes um you know human giant and um i you know and then thinking back i should have said venture brothers uh because i i have made it a point to to try and watch every single venture brothers i think it's it's one of the funnier things on tv but you're like venture it's got patrick warburton in it sure there you go what about that other show that patrick warburton's in Family Guy? I don't know. He's on some TV show. He's on a sitcom. He's on a sitcom. But I think it's a pretty...

It's a bad one? Yeah, I think it's... I don't know. I don't know anything about it. It's like a dad sitcom? Yeah, it's like a dad com. Yeah. Anyway, so I did have a couple things I could have said but didn't.

But, you know, yeah, you're right. I just need to prepare for the question more and don't, you know... Why do they ask? That's a weird, that feels to me as, in this case, I'm a surrogate for the audience who are Hollywood outsiders. I'm mostly a Hollywood outsider myself. Why do they say that? That's a weird thing to say. Is it like a getting to know you meeting yeah i mean i think it's i think it's a couple of things um i think it's you know if they you know i think they want maybe to to figure out what someone would want to do and what kinds of projects they would be aggressive towards doing like you know maybe they're you know feeling it out to see if it you know i was someone who might be interested

in some sort of how i met your mother-esque project doesn't everyone just say like you know, feeling it out to see if it, you know, I was someone who might be interested in some sort of How I Met Your Mother-esque project. Doesn't everyone just say, like, you know, oh, The Simpsons and Larry Sanders and, like, who is the people who go in and they're like, well, what shows are you really liking? And they're like, well, Till Death. Yeah. Can't get enough Till Death. But also, I mean, I think part of it is them confirming to themselves what is cool like just the fact that they kind of have a you know they have a guy there a young person who's

injured but and and just kind of seeing um you know making sure they know do you ever aware of everything i don't know do you ever meet with these people and then something good comes of it um no hasn't happened yet yeah no none of my uh none of my none of my hollywood meetings have gone i you know i'm kind of still waiting to see on this one i think that apart from this uh apart from this taste thing it actually went went okay so we'll see if this is a thing but um the guy is the guy that you met with right now as we record this podcast is at home watching Shoot Him Up and thinking, when's something funny going to happen? Right. It pretty much starts happening when the movie starts and doesn't stop until the movie ends.

Shoot him up, people. Jordan, is Shoot Him Up going to become your pootie tag? I think so. Shoot Him Up is definitely my, yeah, so we'll see. Jordan, is Shoot'em Up going to become your pootie tank? I think so. Shoot'em Up is definitely my, yeah. The company that made it, New Line, went out of business recently. Oh, that's good. Yeah. So, yeah, so we'll see how this one goes.

Thanks, Claude Brodesser-Ackner. Yeah, basically none of my legit Hollywood meetings have been anything. I think I failed at them all. I don't know if that means you failed. That may have meant, I'm going to be honest with you and say, that may mean that you succeeded at them. Perhaps. Wait, why does that mean?

You may have shown them that you have a soul. You know, like, I can't, this kid's. Sorry. He's not broken yet. Yeah. Nobody's broken his spirit. Yes yes his laugh wasn't false and forced it came from a legitimate place of joy he seemed to smile when he was happy and he cried when i killed that goldfish for no reason

he seems to still know what cruelty is. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. Okay, cool. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I love the oom-bops. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan? Yes. Shall we, sir, to the telephones? Why's it not? Hey, Jordan, Jesse. This is Ian Brill. I'm here at the Edinburgh Castle at the Bay Area Maximum Fund Meetup. Bay Area Maximum Fund Meetup. Make some noise! have some fun meetup

make some noise and we're going to see Mary Van Oden Fred Weinbach and DJ

Real a lot of fun people about 10 minutes I want to thank Mary I want to

thank Jesse for all he's done to publicize the meetup and it's turning out to be pretty

cool I actually met someone who was a Sound of Young America fan but not a

Jordan Jesse Go listener and I think I turned him on to the podcast. So I think that's pretty cool. So, yeah, I just want to say thanks again. And we're going to have some fun. All right, see you. Bye.

Yeah, sweet, huh? Yeah, so some dudes in the Bay Area had a Maximum Fun meetup. It was organized by Ian Brill, who writes the Pod Thoughts column on the blog. Really nice fella. I just thought, when he suggested it, I thought, Ian Brill's going to knock this one out of the park. Because he's the kind of guy

that he's just a jovial guy. He's very friendly to everyone, very personable. He's a nerd. He's a giant comic book nerd. So he's going to be, the nerds are going to relate to him, but he's not a weird at all. So the normal people are going to be comfortable talking to him. He's going to meet their gaze when he talks to them.

I really hope there was some hooking up at this. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great? That would be so awesome. Please call and tell us about it. I hope that someone hooked up with Brent Wein up at this. Yeah. Wouldn't that be great? That would be so awesome. Please call and tell us about it. I hope that someone hooked up with Brent Weinbach at this. Me too. Mm-hmm.

Yum, yum. Thumbs up. Details, girlfriend. Details. If you want to organize a Maximum Fun meetup, post it on the message board. See if there's other people in your region. And if you can at least get two people to show up,

I will plug the shit out of it on the message board, on the shows, everything. I think it's the greatest thing. Let's get some pics. Let's get some recaps. Yeah, absolutely. Film yourself hooking up. In fact, I'm going to say that if anybody was taking pictures

at the Maximum Fun Meetup, upload them to the Flickr group, Max Fun Pics, but also upload them to our Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page that we just created recently. There you go. We've already, we made it like a week ago, we've already got like 200 fans on Facebook. And I like that fan thing because then it shows up on your profile so then other people who are your friend, they're like, what's this Jordan Jesse Go thing? And then they click on it and it takes them to the little page about the thing.

So upload those pictures. That's what I'm saying. That's all I'm saying, Jordan. I don't ask for much. No, you're a simple man. Tis the gift. You know, I'm a week behind on the show, so I don't know if you found something to do with your $20 yet.

But I was just thinking that if you cash that in, that's like 2,000 pennies. And if you leave 2,000 pennies kind of scattered out wherever you go, just leave pennies in the street, you could potentially leave 2,000 people with a lucky day. And I think that would make the world a better place. Now, does that guy not sound like the nicest guy in the world? Yeah, it sounds nice, but that's a little too hippy-dippy an idea for me.

I feel like... It's a little too dream catcher. That would be a little bit too much like littering. Yeah. In my opinion. Also, babies eat them. Babies will just pick that up and put it in their mouth. But I just wanted...

You know who would try and eat that? Coco, my dog. Oh, yeah. She'll eat any goddamn thing that's on the ground. I would say pennies are more dangerous than they are good. Yeah. Pennies are a danger. Mm-hmm.

Why isn't anybody standing up against them? I don't know, man. They're a threat to our liberty. I think so. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is Nate from Chicago. I'm calling because I am getting the first opportunity that I've ever had to visit San

Francisco in two weeks. And I was wondering if you had any possible new sincerity or just plain cool things to go see or do in San Francisco. So, yeah. I think we've answered this question before for Los Angeles. If you come to visit Los Angeles, the one thing that you cannot, absolutely should not miss when it comes to new sincerity is the Museum of Jurassic Technology. Sure.

Which is one of the most amazing things in the world. Now, it just so happens that in San Francisco, there is a similarly amazing institution. It's called the Musée Mécanique. It used to be at the Cliff House, which is this famous house that is a famous restaurant and was a hotel and stuff like that in San Francisco right on the water, right on the ocean water. It's now like somewhere – it's in like a hangar. It got kicked out of the Cliff House when they renovated the Cliff House, and they were going to put it back in. But then apparently they managed to like never let them back in. we got kicked into this like hangar that's in it's a you know by the like fisherman's wharfy shit and all that fisherman's wharf and stuff not even worth spending time on it sucks not even once don't even bother with it it's not like alcatraz where it is cool once it's

totally unearned don't fuck with uh fisherman's Wharf. But if you go down there, search for Musée Mécanique on the internet, it is this whole place full of 19th and early 20th century penny arcade games. Wow, that sounds great. I've never heard of that before. It's like things where you put in a nickel or a penny or a quarter and a little show happens with music and lights coming on

and different things whirling around and stuff. There's games where you put in a nickel and you play a weird football game that's sort of like that kind of tabletop magnetic football. Electric football. Yeah. It is just the coolest fucking thing. There's lots of cool photo booths, different kind of photo booths. It's a really wonderful place.

And if you get the chance, if you see the guy, there's this kind of gruff guy that, like, walks around and looks like he's in charge. It's because he is, and it's, like, his thing. He's just a really cool guy. It's just a really amazing thing. My suggestion, cable car. Oh, cable car is great. Yeah. It's just a really cool guy. It's just a really amazing thing. My suggestion, cable car. Oh, cable car is great. Yeah. It's awesome. Here's a tip for the cable car. A lot of everyone gets

on the Powell Street cable car, which is indeed the cable car to take. They get on it right at the, right by the Powell Street BART station, just, you know, right at Market Street near Union Square. If you do that, there's like a cable car turnaround there. You're going to end up waiting, if it's tourist season, a couple of hours to get on the cable car. Not worth it. Go to the other end of the line and get on there. And there's never any line on the other end of the line.

So that's my cable car tip. If you want to know about San Francisco stuff, a good place to find out is a friend of the program, Maximum Fun Pal, Stuart Shuffman, a.k.a. Broke-Ass Stuart, wrote a cool book about living in San Francisco and doing stuff in San Francisco called Broke-Ass Stuart's Guide to San Francisco. Working on one about New York now. And Bree's got a Broke-Ass Stuart franchise in the mix. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is James from Binghamton. I was listening to your show where you took on a medical correspondent.

And as an experienced watchmaker slash clockmaker, I'd like to request that I be your horological correspondent for all your timekeeping needs. Thanks. Request granted. Yep. If you have any horological questions, I know I have one. Okay.

It's funny he should bring it up. I'm interested in acquiring a vintage Baum et Mercier chronograph, probably a doctor-style chronograph. I've been thinking about this a lot, and I look at them on eBay, and there are certain sellers, largely in South America, like Argentina and stuff, that are selling all these Bombard-Mercier chronographs, and they really rarely come up being sold from the United States. And they show pictures of the works are signed, and the case is signed, and the back of the

case is signed, and everything. But I kind of wonder, how come they have so many and the United States doesn't have any? And is it because they're fake Bombette Mercier chronographs and doctor's wristwatches and so forth? You know what I want? What?

Velcro shark watch. Wait, what is that? It's a watch that works underwater. It's got a green Velcro band. Oh, I know the kind of band you're talking about. Yeah, so if Mr. Horological can get one of those for me. Sure. You know what you were looking for.

That's what he does, right? He gets things. You were looking for one of those Burger King Kids Club watches. Yes. With the vinyl band. Mm-hmm. And some promotional Simpsons glasses. Hey, Jordan Jesse, this is Chris in Brooklyn,

and I have a pitch for your creative interpretation action item. I know you've been really good lately about not falling off the horse. You're on the horse. You're up every week. But sometimes I realize you're both busy men. You need some time off. I think I have a solution for that. A solution is a page from the playbook of the Master Gallagher.

You should franchise the podcast. Have a Jordan-Jesse-go-2, a Jordan-Jesse-go-3, a Jordan-Jesse-go-Latino, something like that. And I feel that myself and my roommate Ian would actually do an excellent job of this. We have podcasting equipment. We're college buddies. We did a radio show together in college. And listen to these facts. Me, Chris, or Jesse,

too. I wear sweater vests. I love 1980s baseball. I love hip hop. I love The Wire. Ian, Jordan, too, doesn't like any of that shit. But Big Santa, real big fish in high school. So I think you see the similarities are uncanny. And,anny, and we can talk about stuff. We can answer personal questions about you guys. It would be really good on those off weeks, and all we really need is money for a bunny calendar. And I don't know. Is there a drug to get kidney stones? Maybe that too.

So let us know if you have a green light because we can pick up the slack and you guys are too busy. Take care. It's an interesting proposal, Jordan. Yeah. I mean, as far as drug you can take to get a kidney stone, just find some dude with a kidney stone and when he pisses us out, eat it. Yeah. So there you go. That's how it works.

I have to say that this person, this caller, I don't think he's done his research into the gallagher situation yeah that ended poorly yeah the gallagher 2 situation actually tore apart gallagher's family and also gallagher's uh horrible he's horrible he's horrible sucks jordan and i went to see gallagher once and it was awful it was much worse than we expected and kind of racist and just horrible I wouldn't want to be in in any in any way analogous to Gallagher unless I had you know like maybe the analogy was about me being able to smash things yeah oh and uh oversized props yeah um I yeah I think this is kind of a D plus idea, but I'd like to hear an audition tape from these guys.

Oh, okay. So you're basically. Put together a little demo reel, maybe, you know, three to five minutes. Highlights. Yeah. Highlights. No low lights, please. Absolutely not.

We are not looking for, we're not looking for Chiara Scuro here. Don't know what that is. It's the light in the dark my friend that's the principles of uh makeup fine stage makeup fine um so yeah put it together we'll give it a listen just you know but but know that it's kind of an uphill battle yeah i'm disinclined but i'm gonna go jordan's or if jordan's gonna order the pilot i'm telling him i'm gonna say yeah i'm to put in a pilot order. Okay.

Or maybe a pilot presentation, I should say. Yeah, we're asking for a pilot presentation. I'm not saying go ahead with the pilot yet. Yeah, we're going to put together a little pilot presentation, and we'll see what we think. You can email it. It should be small enough that you can email it. I mean, if it's three to five minutes, you can make it a decent quality MP3 file.

Email it to jjgoe at maximumfund.org, and we'll see what we think. Hi, Jordan. My name's Kristen. The reason I'm calling, I'm kind of embarrassed. Actually, as I'm speaking, I kind of wish I wasn't doing this, but I already got the bull rolling, so what are you going to do? A couple nights ago, I had a sex dream about Jordan. I think it was probably prompted by all the ball talk on that one episode.

I don't know what he looks like, but it was just kind of like a fuzzy composite with curly hair. But I woke up in a good mood, so, you know, it can't be that bad. I found that as a lover, he was a gentleman, but not a sissy about it. And that's it. I feel like a weirdo, and

thank you, Jordan, especially. Bye. It's not weird. No, it's perfectly natural. I have sex dreams about my favorite podcasters. Yeah. I mean, think of all the times that you've woken up in a state because you were dreaming about Claude Brodesser-Akner. Why is it always Claude Brodesser-Akner?

What a fucking surprise. What a fucking surprise. Thorne goes back to Claude Brodesser-Akner. I thought I could think of another podcaster. There's millions. I know. Keith and the Girl. You have that threesome fantasy about Keith and the Girl. Yeah, Grammar Girl.

Oh, you're way into Grammar Girl. No, yeah, and I'm sure people fall asleep to the podcast a lot, so I'm sure that. I mean, I've fall asleep to the podcast a lot so i'm sure that i mean i've fallen asleep to a few podcasts i like to do that anyway just so you know what jordan looks like he has curly hair um he's a little bit like uh if you can imagine like a robert redford type um but the young robert redford obviously jordan's in his mid-20s. Also, you didn't listen to the first part of this podcast where we talked about my comically out-of-shape physique. But no, I think your assumption,

what kind of lover did she say I was? She said you were gentlemanly, but not particularly efficient, I think is what she said. Oh. But that's okay. Yeah, no, I'm not about, yeah, sorry. You know who else wasn't efficient? You know who else wasn't efficient? Jackson Poll okay. Yeah, no, I'm not about, yeah, sorry. You know who else wasn't efficient? You're not a wham bam.

You know who else wasn't efficient? Jackson Pollock. Yeah, absolutely. He was a drunk, but a genius. You got it. Modern art. So, you know what? Sorry.

Sorry if you, you know, sorry if you want something. Jordan's a post-modern dream fucker. Utilitarian. If you want something functional, you've come to the wrong guy. Yeah, maybe you should go listen to meese vanderose podcast yeah right maybe you should have a sex dream about that german but uh you know what but sorry i'm you know what i'm just gonna i'm i'm kind of free form i'm kind of the ornette coleman of sex yeah i like to think of myself as the ornette cole of sex. But yes, always the gentleman. You'll get a please.

You'll get a thank you. A doth of the cap. Jordan, Jesse, go. Your weekly trip through allusions to mid-century American art. Oh, Man Ray. Man Ray, Man Ray. Hi, Jordan, Jesse. This is Leanne.

And Lauren. Today we're calling from the women's bathroom in the post office. We to know leah neeson or leslie nielsen okay thanks bye bye wow that's a good one dude isn't it wasn't when they said women's bathroom at the post office wasn't that awesome yes um there's nothing i didn't like about that call jordan can i ask a question? Have we ever talked on Jordan and Jesse Go about the thing that you overheard at the post office that one time? I totally forget what it is. The thing where the woman and her daughter were arguing at the post office? I'm aware of this. I forget what it was, though.

Oh, okay. Well, as I recall... Do you remember? Okay, yeah. Let's hear this third-hand story. So you were at the post office, and this woman and her daughter were... This was in college? Yeah, I think this was when we were in college. This was definitely the Santa Cruz post office. Okay. And this woman and her daughter were arguing really vociferously with each other.

And finally, the daughter's just like i'm leaving and uh and she's like stalking out of the room and her mother yells after her you are lying you lied to me on federal property yeah yes as if that was worse oh man but i guess the the moral of the story is this is really intense no lee neeson or leslie well it's not intense for me i have i i i have a real distinct loyalty in this uh in this one but i mean i could see how it would be tougher for someone who didn't love the naked gun so much well i mean i as much as you love the Naked Gun, what about Dracula Dead and Loving It? Yes, another good reason that Leslie Nielsen wins.

I mean, the man has been entertaining us as far back as Forbidden Planet. Yeah, he was in Forbidden Planet, that's true. And he continues to entertain us this day in various Zucker Brothers productions. zucker brothers productions i mean you see i guess ultimately for me what this is about is the fact that having grown up in a household with a stepmother who is from belfast northern ireland yeah um i am compelled to support all the major northern irish uh artists okay uh specifically van morrison shenaid o'connor and liam neeson that's pretty much it that's pretty much the only three but it's very important that i support those three oh yeah famous the leprechaun he's actually from the republic of ireland oh sorry he's from cork or something sin fiend yeah

jerry adams that's who i have to support um uh the fuck has Liam Neeson done other than being Irish and handsome? He's really intense. He's super intense. I would call him the Chiwetel Ejiofor of Northern Irish people. He was in, what's the movie about the Holocaust? Steven Spielberg? Oh, yeah. Schindler's List.

Schindler's List. He was one of? Oh yeah, Schindler's List. He was one of the main guys in Schindler's List. He's been in a lot of amazing movies. Yeah, Leslie Nielsen was in Airplane. Oh shit. Was Leslie Nielsen in Airplane? He was, yeah. Don't Call Me Shirley? Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. Come on. Well Jordan, I feel like I have to leave this open

to our audience here. Leslie Nielsen versus Liam Neeson. Let's hear the attributes of each. I feel like that might have been... I think this is going to be a bloodbath. That might have been the Lauren who created the Jordan, Jesse, go MySpace group that we recently signed up for. I saw that you had signed up for it, so I signed up for it.

Sure. Yeah, we're members of our own fan club. Is that egotistical or what? We just want to let the fans know that we're there for them. Sure. Okay, we got a couple of momentous occasions here. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm calling about the momentous

occasion. I'm Jonathan. I just drove from Pittsburgh to Detroit and I'm on my way back. I just played my first show outside of Pittsburgh. So I guess I'm a traveling musician now. That's pretty exciting. Anyways, thanks for the show. Bye.

That's pretty good. Good job. Congratulations, man. Yeah, here's to a long life on the road. Here's the thing about the Momentous Occasions series, Jordan. Yeah. As we move forward in the podcast, we've covered your My Child Was Born, I Just Had Surgery, I Just Bought a House, I Just Got a Cool New Job,

I Just Quit My Job. House Burned Down. House Burned Down, we covered that one. Now we're, and this is an example of one we're not we're checking the boxes here for important stuff this guy's a big step forward in his musical career first gig yeah somebody's gonna have their first paid modeling job or something like that yeah but it's gonna get weirder and weirder trained for money yeah exactly it's gonna be the first time I shot a harpoon. At the whale that I just trained. Not to dodge harpoons.

To respond to the sound of a harpoon gun being fired. And so we're going to end up with more momentous occasions that are really specific, and that's the best kind, like this one. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. This is James from Astoria, and I have a momentous occasion. I got to sell Ira Glass some Wii games.

I didn't recognize him at first, because I've only known him by face for a year or so because of the show. But once he started talking, I started freaking out and mumbling my explanations, probably not giving him the best reviews of games.

And finally when I took a deep breath and asked if it was truly him, we had a good handshake and talked about this American life for a little bit. Then he went on his way. After he left, I pulled out my phone and texted one of my friends. My manager saw me texting and asked what I was doing. And I told him I was telling a friend that I just met a public radio icon. And he laughed and told me that he really was, or that I really was, the whitest kid in the store.

So that was a momentous occasion. Thanks for the podcast, guys. Bye. What Wii games did he buy? Come on, dude. What the fuck, right right i think he bought ape escape not a wii game oh you bought excite truck marble madness that's one is that no oh yeah i thought it was uh maybe but oh i maybe i'm thinking of the amiga hey you know what uh what we game i got recently what did you get maybe a little bit in advance super smash brothers brawl oh yeah is it cool oh it's good how does it compare to uh super wario smooth moves oh you know there's actually a

super oh there's actually a wario where themed level that you fight in oh shit and it and it shouts commands at you and while you're fighting the other guy, you have to do WarioWare things like... Shake it. Shake it. Touch him. Wait a minute. Touch him?

Yeah. That's a WarioWare command. Touch him? You have to touch him. There's a guy, and you have to use your remote to poke him. You mean like the Spirit of the Lord? Yes. Touch him with a capital H?

No, that touches you, Jesse. Oh. That's what I thought. Unless you're Icarus, then you try to touch God. Yeah. Then your wings melt. Because you went too close to the sun. Then you've got to push that boulder. I want to know what

Wii games Ira... You know what? I do too. You know what? What? When I interviewed Ira Glass for The Sound of Young America, he talked about listening to Jordan Jesse Go. He had listened to it once. And you know why? Because his wife listens to it. Oh.

I wonder if his wife is listening right now and if she'll call in and tell us what Wii games they've been playing. Yes, please, please. And whether they possibly got Super Wario Smooth Moves. And whether or not you touch him. That's a game where you're riding a cart through a mine and then it says shake it and then you have to shake it and then it goes oh good work or no bad work

and then it says point point them turn it oh I love that game something Japanese yeah oh man man alive what a drive yeah I feel great Jordan well Super Smash Brothers Brawl is really great Oh, man. Man alive. What a drive. Yeah.

I feel great, Jordan. Well, Super Smash Bros. Brawl is really great. Uh-huh. There's some great new features. The overpowered characters have been made more overpowered, so that's not good. Oh, wow. Yeah. Overpowered? Yeah.

Are you talking about how, like, the princess can fly? I'm talking about how, yes. Is that what you were talking about? like the princess can fly i'm talking about how um yes is that what you're talking about no but but you something like that yeah and i'm thinking of maybe remember when uh remember when tails was just exactly like sonic only it could fly and you're like how come they just made it they just took the other thing and gave it a superpower yeah why didn't they take away something from it maybe they didn't i just don't remember hard to say hard to say what the deal with tails is let me ask you the question about this game sure can you take other wii games and plug them into this game and then you get to play tails in your other wii games no no it's not like uh

knuckles no that would be nice though is there a casino level at all no what the fuck's the point then jordan you're right you've convinced me i'm here i thought it was good but it's actually bad thank you jesse are there any marbles in it? No, nor do you acquire any kind of madness. Then it doesn't measure up to what I call the Amiga standard. Yeah. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, man alive, Jordan. Are you ready for March of Time Madness? Yes. This is what it is. We've been talking about it. We've been talking about it. We've been talking around it. Now we're ready to ramp up to it. Okay.

March of Time Madness, the Battle of Historical Epics. And that's epic, E-P-O-C-H. Yeah. This is how we will find out what the best period in history ever was. Was it the Ice Age? Was it the Babylonian Empire? Was it the Dark Ages? Was it the Viking Era?

Was it the Wild West? Was it the Gilded Age? Was it the Information Age? Which we're currently in. Are we currently in that? I believe we're in the push-button age. Oh, okay. As I understand it.

I think you taught me that. Yeah, it's true. I thought we were in the information age. Turns out we're in the push-button age. This is how it's going to work. King Grebo, the moderator of the Showdown Forum on the Maximum Fun Forums, has set up a bracket. It looks great.

Very good-looking bracket. Much better looking than the bracket that I had previously created. It's got the Maximum Fun rocket on it and everything. Starting March 17th, we will have, over the course of one week, all of the first-round matchups in the America's bracket and the Asia bracket. So half of the first-rounders are going to go from March 17th to March 23rd. Half of them are going to go from March 24th to March 30th.

That's the Europe bracket and the Africa and Australia bracket. Okay? Good. This is going to be very exciting, but it's going to be much faster paced than people are used to from the animal battle. What we want you to do is log on to the Showdown forum, take the opportunity

to familiarize yourself with the various eras. Print out the PDF that we've created. Pass it out at work. Pass it out at work and start taking bets. Yeah, this is a fun this will be a fun thing to do with the office i think to the guy who sold uh the nintendo wii games to ira glass this is a way to cement your reputation as the whitest person of all time right this is

at least the whitest guy who works at this particular game stop yeah exactly i mean think of think of how many um think of how many like extended warranties and subscriptions to the video game store magazine right you will be forgiven for not selling by getting your manager involved in this exciting opportunity people will not care that you you fail to move those game informers yeah you didn't have enough pre-orders for the playstation 4 or whatever all you got to do is put 10 bucks down right um anyway it's all on the forum maximum fun slash forum we also want you action items this week uh call in and sing a local television commercial or radio commercial or television or radio station jingle or song.

Yeah. The weirder, the better. We're only going to play the best, Jordan. We're putting together what we see as the absolute creme de la creme. Right. Like if we... The creme brulee. We want to be able to put this...

Creme de menthe. Mixtape. Sure. Any other cremes? I don't think so. I think that's all the cremes. Creme de cacao oh fuck we came up with a lot of cremes here yeah um so this this should be a mixtape where if you

shoot it into space and aliens find it you know thousands of light years in the future they know how hilarious our local commercials were this is a mixtape where we get a deep understanding like a carl sagan level understanding of contemporary human culture right and i say human because it's not just american people listen to this show in other countries yeah and for fuck's sake if you live in another country i want to hear that country's local television commercial song. I don't care if it's German. It can be Japanese. How about this?

Senegalese. Lay Ocean. Yeah, absolutely. Atlantic Ocean. If you're out there, if you're Lao, you're in Vientiane right now listening to this program. I want to hear the slogan for the product that was on the radio before, I guess it would be before the communist revolution. Yeah. When products had more slogans.

Sure. Um, I'm, that's what I'm looking for here from you people out there. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Um, do we have other action items? We're still discussing the video game on the forum,

uh, Jordan Jesse video game. What to do with the 20 bucks is still out there, I think. What to do with the 20 bucks is still out there. We haven't gotten a really great idea for that, I feel like. Yeah. It's probably going to be candy, right? Somebody suggested that candy was too infantile, and

we should donate it to a battered women's shelter. I should be clear, we support battered women's shelters and I should be clear, we support battered women's shelters and the work they do. Sure. And we think you should donate money to the battered women's shelter. A significant amount of money. Yeah, I'm talking dozens of dollars, if not hundreds.

Sure. Whatever you have left over once you donate most of your money to MaximumFun.org. Are you trying to divert money from the battered women's shelter to yourself, Jesse? Hey, Jordan, I'm really, you know, I got a bed, just paid my taxes. They were over $5,500 I had to pay. Wow.

I know, it was really intense. Yeah, boy, I don't have anything else to say. Yeah. Fuck this. Yeah. Who needs it? We'll be back next week i guess on jordan jesse go