Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 540: Ghost Klumps with Janie Haddad Tompkins

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

Actress and bon vivant Janie Haddad Tompkins joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how Jordan's happy place is tubing on a river even though he's never been, Jesse's daddy-daughter trip to Daiso, the Japanese Dollar Fifty Store, and Janie's plan to use speed bumps and a ghost story as a marketing technique.  Plus, they get into Janie's great work on BUBBLE. Episode five is out now and they're going to be doing a panel at San Diego Comic Con this week! Get your San Diego Comic Con BUBBLE tickets here! Listen to BUBBLE today! Episode Five is out now! Subscribe to BUBBLE on iTunes! Or use this feed for your other podcatcher needs: https://maximumfun.org/feeds/bubble.xml

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne. Hot negative. Oh, not hot positive this week. No. You bailed on it already. I was ambivalent. By the way, I'm Jordan Moore. I'm Jordan Moore's hot positive.

I was ambivalent about your new hot positive outlook on life where when it's hot outside, you think that's good. I'm not saying – okay. You failed to see the nuance of this, but go ahead. What nuance am I missing? Here you are. Your baby is sleeping in a basket on the fire escape. You've got a bucket of ice and a fan blowing the air over it. Right.

We're all fanning ourselves with newspapers and trying to watch the Yankees game on our black and white televisions. You know, here's what I think your problem was. First of all, you time traveled back to the 40s to live. Okay. Well, I have a television, so I'm going to say like 1959. Okay, sure, sure. But you still are cooling the house with a giant block of ice brought to you by a man with a clamp. Yeah.

And the milkman comes and impregnates my wife. Yeah. Basic things from the late 1950s. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, I think that was your first mistake. Yeah. Is you traveled to a time without as many modern conveniences. Yeah.

But I think number two, and this is something we talked about last week if people didn't hear the show, is it's very very hot in Southern California, which is something I'm sure you know if you listen to podcasts. It's even hot at the Grove. Yeah, that's true.

Speaking of podcasts. Oh boy, I know, the air broke at Mendocino Farms. Great place to get a salad. A nice work salad there know. The air broke at Mendocino Farms. Yeah. Great place to get a salad. Yeah. A nice work salad there. By the air broke at Mendocino Farms, you mean they farted, right? Yes. Okay.

Right, yeah. Now, I'm not – now, you know, it's in the temperatures quadruple digits. Yeah. As hot as it's been on record. Yeah. And I'm not saying – And that's self-CR. Yeah. As hot as it's been on record. Yeah. And I'm not saying- And that's self-CR. Yeah.

And I don't think- and I think what you're looking for is an excuse to say that it is good that it's hot. Right. I'm not saying that. Okay. I'm saying that we can find ways to be positive until it cools off. So for you, that's cut off jeans, if I remember correctly. Yeah.

Which you're wearing right now. Oh, yeah, baby. You look like you're about to go tubing. Look, I'm a, listen, I'm not a man with any appealing qualities physically, except I've got a nice set of calves. I'll, I'm fine saying that. Yeah. Look at these juicy jumpers.

Look at these juicy jumpers, baby. No wonder they call you JJ. Yeah. Dynamites. Those juicy jumpers are dynamites. The juicy jumpers are dynamites. Listen. The turtleneck is a bit much for summer, but.

Hey, you know, do I wish I wasn't sweating up a storm? Sure. But I get to show off the gams. Okay. Yeah. I mean, they go from there all the way up to there. They sure do get to show off the gams. Okay. Yeah. I mean, they go from there all the way up to there. They sure do. There's no doubt about that.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, from my knees to my penis. It's weird that they're... Yeah. What's underneath the knees? Just feet? Boy, a couple of taints.

Okay. Left and right. Yeah, I was thrown into a vat of toxic waste recently. Got it. Did you see RoboCop? Anyway. Is that about you? No, but I mean, as I was being thrown into the vat of toxic waste.

Because I feel bad that I have, I don't think I've seen it since I was little, but if I knew it was about my friend Jordan. No, it's not. I think it might have even been made before I was born. But while I was being thrown into the vat of toxic waste, I thought to myself, this is just like that part in RoboCop where the dad from that 70s show gets thrown into that vat of toxic waste. Oh, okay. Yeah. Anyway, I forget his name. Well, I think my point is that I'm tired and angry.

Yeah. Because it's's hot out. Well, somebody needs to take a big old mouthful of hot positive. Okay. What? Okay, let's bring our guest into this. Yes. Because I want to know. Because she actually has an opinion on this.

She's from the deep south. Mm-hmm. She knows something about hot weather. Mm-hmm. She's red hot herself. Mm-hmm. She's a hot commodity in Hollywood. Yeah.

Show business. Podcasting. Bon vivant. Actress. Janie, how did Tompkins? Hi. Hi, Janie. How are you?

I'm well. How are you? I'm okay. So here's my question to you, Janie. Okay. Let me kick things off with a question. I love it. It's not an interview program, but I'm going to throw you a curveball.

Why not? With a question here. You're from the Carolinas. North or South? South. How do you feel about the heat? Well, it's you know, it's difficult. I think you were, I mean, you're probably trying to be positive because you think this is

a positive show. It's not. Okay. In, while we were coming up here, I asked Janie how her summer was going. That's true. I hate summer. I hate summer. Expand on that. Okay. First of all, all right, you really want me to get into it?

Let's hear it. Okay. Just a quick side note, though. I love tubing. Okay. Tubing is good. I've never been tubing and I want nothing more. Even as someone who does not drink beer, I still think that I would like tubing.

You know what? You don't have to stick your beer in the cold river. You could take a LaCroix. Oh, okay. Cool. You can keep your LaCroix in the river, like your six-pack of LaCroix. Can I ask you, is Arrowhead okay? Sure.

Arrowhead's good. That's Mountain Spring water. It seems appropriate. You would stay hydrated. Right. Alright, second of all... Maybe some sandwich cookies? Summer, yeah. Those will get soggy. Yeah, you don't want a soggy Hydrox? Okay. Who wants a soggy Hydrox?

Alright, summer is lame for lots of reasons. One, daylight savings time. Don't care for it. Oh, you're one of those. You're one of those, I don't like daylight savings time. Is this ideological, practical? Oh, it's all of the above. It's totally annoying.

Yeah. I hate that it's not dark like when it's supposed to be dark. It empowers those haughty farmers who already walk around like they're kings and queens of shit. The haughty, you mean the economic anxiety set that has put us in this situation? Let me put it this way, Jamie. Yeah. Like we haven't already taken enough shit from Jimmy Carter. Thank you.

All right. So daylight savings time. Bad. Check against. Okay. Secondly, Hollywood moves slow enough as it is. They put in all these little like, oh, it's Memorial Day weekend. Got to take the week off.

It's July 4th. I can't return your email. It's August. Oh, we take Fridays off after 10 a.m. This is summer Fridays or whatever. And it's annoying. And kids are out of school. Yeah.

Keep them in school. That's what I say. Wow. They should go to school year round. Okay. Really? Yes. They're not smart enough, number one.

Yeah, kids aren't smart enough. Number two, we got to work all year. Yeah. That's true. We should be training them now to build up the stamina for that kind of thing. Here's something that I've experienced. I'm listening. I'm a parent three times over.

Okay. Jeannie, you don't have children, correct? I do not. Okay. So I'm a parent three. Jordan, did you know that I have three children? You mentioned it. I don't need.

I mean, you have three. I have three beautiful children. Yeah. And when they go to school, only my oldest is in school. Okay. School, school. Like real school. Real school.

Okay. And the other two are like- Fake school. I was going to say like Dickensian drifters. Like pretend school. Yeah, they use them for cons and scams. Garment factory. Oh, okay.

Yeah. They work at a real nice joint called Triangle Shirt Waists. Oh, okay. Yeah. And no, so I only have one child that's in school. She just finished first grade. Okay. And at the end of kindergarten, you're like, wait, so what am I supposed to do now?

Right? Because your kid is done with school and you have memories from childhood. Sure. Your memory from childhood is – If you're lucky. Yeah, that's true. Some people have – You haven't gotten conked on the noggin.

Some people have amnesia. We need to – Especially in coconut-rich countries. Right. Sure. People have amnesia. We need to. Especially in coconut rich countries.

Right. Sure. But you have these memories. Like everything. All you wanted was summer. Sure. Summer is all you think about. Look, I get it. School is terrible.

It's all you think about. But when you're a parent, school just ends. And then you're like. You're stuck. What the fuck? I have a job. Yeah. Like my job didn't end.

What am I supposed to do with this fucking five-year-old? I got to think of stuff for this kid now. But here's another thing. If they don't know summer, they won't miss it. Oh, wow. So you're talking about giving them. I'm saying take it away now. Like gaslighting them into thinking that there's nothing in between spring and fall.

Maybe we grandfather in like one level. Right. So there's this like elder class of children who like – They get to have a summer. Like you know when – And they tell children of summer's past. Yes. They're like back in my day.

We had to catch frogs. We had three months of nothing. Shut up, old man. I have to go to school. See, it's remember like the drinking age was like 18 and then they were like, the drinking age is 21. That's what I'm saying. You just like switch it around and then society will be better.

Things will be less crowded. Right. If people complain, you know what I suggest we do? What? Tell them to leave? Where you do the fast karate chops and you see you're running through a forest, you're running through a forest, you're running through a forest. And then they'll just get bamboozled. I see how this is going to improve your life

and it's going to improve everyone else's summers and there's more why I don't like summer. It's hot. I don't like that. We haven't been integrated into our hot positive lifestyle. I guess my hot positive lifestyle because somebody fucking bailed on it basically immediately. I mean, I can tolerate

it. I did. I grew up. But here's the thing. I'm from Charleston. I was by the beach. You jump in the ocean. You don't do that here first of all. It takes an hour to get to. Have yourself a clam bake. Yeah, you have yourself a clam bake. And you just like, you deal with, like you an hour to get to. Have yourself a clam bake. Yeah, have yourself a clam bake. And you just like, you deal with, like you're living this coastal lifestyle.

Maybe you play some paddle ball. Yeah, some paddle ball, some whatever you want. Horseshoes, horseshoes, cornhole. A game of horseshoes. Yeah. Cornhole or whatever. See how far you can throw a crab. Jordan, how long have we been doing this show?

How many times have I tried to get you to repeat when I say a game of horseshoes and you can say a game of horseshoes like on the Arrested Development song. Yeah, I just don't want to do it. I think horseshoes as a game is cruel. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Because why it deprives them of shoes. Because it leaves shoes without horses. Shoeless horses. Did you hate summer as a child? No. Do you remember the first summer you hated? Well, obviously, as an adult is when it gets really horrifying because you don't get it off. You have to work through your summer.

That's true. Yeah. And take care of children. If you choose to have them. And you pay your air conditioning. Your electricity is so much higher. Yeah. And take care of children. And take care of, if you choose to have them. And you pay your air conditioning. Your electricity is so much higher. Yeah. But, I mean, Hollywood's brightest stars come out to shine.

Yeah, that's true. They do. Yeah. You know, The Rock makes a bunch of movies. Oh, that stuff. Oh, that's another thing. The movies in the summer are lame. Only the good movies come out right before the awards stuff.

And it's like, no, sprinkle them out all year long. That's what I'm saying. Have a nice July period piece. There was a time where I feel like that was how they did things. Or at least make more like Ocean's Eleven. Sure, yeah. Like good movies

like that. Sure, yes. I'd take that, right? Yes. Absolutely. So I guess, you know, until I'm like, you know, living on a boat somewhere, summer's not my thing. Now, is that an aspiration of yours, living on a boat somewhere? I would love to own a boat. That boat life?

I would love to own a boat. I know someone who owns a boat. You do? I do. It's a friend of ours from college. Okay. Where is the boat? It's in San Francisco.

He pays to like in a marina? Yeah. He docks it right there in Pacific Heights. No. Right at Daniel Steele's house. What? I was going to say. I mean, I don't know.

I think he has it in San Francisco. It's a pretty sexy house. But I mean, if you have a boat. Yeah. We were talking about boats on last week's program. Oh, that's right. I did. Some people believe, by the way, the update on last week's program, there are some people

who believe that those big flat boats that I've been noting in Lake Success are rentable. I still don't believe it because I don't see where would you rent them from. Craigslist? I don't understand. Yeah, from Craigslist probably. An app. They're like those scooters that are all over the place now. Oh, that would be – now there's a business idea.

Jump on a boat. That's a business – But here's the thing. Edit that out because I think – Yeah, if somebody – okay, if you're a Silicon Valley tech head, don't steal our boat app idea. All right. So here's the thing about having a boat. Sure.

You buy yourself a boat, right? Sure. How often are you going out on a boat trip? Well, I would say probably not enough to justify the cost of buying a boat. You're right. I get it. What does a boat cost? $50,000 or $100,000 for a little like a speed boat or something?

Yeah, then you got to pay to like, you know, have a boat. You have to rent the boat. Scrape the barnacles off. Yeah, you got to. But I guess you could do that thing where you know how, like, you have a pet that you like. And you have a photo of the pet on your phone. And just, you know, if you're having a bad day, take a look at that pet that I like. Or I guess in your case, children.

No, it's my pet. Pets. Yeah. You could just look at your boat and go like, oh, there's my boat. He's right. No, but you're making a point my dad makes, which is like, because I'm like, I want to buy a house on the beach. I want to buy a house on the beach. And my dad's always like, well, if you rent a house every summer for like the next 20 years or whatever, 30 years, your life is still going to be cheaper than buying a $2 million house on the beach.

So basically what you're saying is I should rent my boating outings. Do you know how to drive a boat? No. I don't know how. Just Paul? No. Paul seems like a pretty committed gossip. He likes boats.

Here's the thing. When you say he likes boats, do you mean he likes boats or you mean he likes nautical hats? He likes nautical hats, but he loves being on boats. Okay. I do want to learn to sail that's on my bucket list. Because I got one of them

Dixie Cup hats like a Navy boy wears. Oh, wait. A Dixie Cup hat. I can picture a Navy boy. Oh, like the things and they got the little, it looks like a biscuit.

Oh, sure. It looks like a, well, I don't know in what way it looks like a biscuit. I'm trying to picture any hat that looks like a biscuit. Oh, sure. It looks like a – well, I don't know in what way it looks like a biscuit. I'm trying to picture any hat that looks like a biscuit right now. I'm actually trying to – like when you say Dixie cup, it makes me think of a Dixie cup. It looks a little bit like you had a flattened out Dixie cup on your head.

Like it goes – maybe not Gilligan wears like a bucket hat, doesn't he? Who wears a Dixie cup hat? I don't know. I can't picture this hat. I'm thinking of like when it's Navy week or whatever in New York. Yeah, that one. Yeah, that one. And you could turn up the-

They look like Pillsbury Doughboys. And they got their little buttons and they got their little flared pants. Yes, yes. Cure pants with the little dick flap with the buttons around. Yes, yes. The sailor. You could rock that outfit. I would love to wear that outfit.

I guess that's like your Halloween costume right there. There was a vintage store, and by Halloween costume, you mean just Thursdays? Yeah. There was a vintage store by my house. It recently closed, but a vintage store by my house where I grew up called Clothes Contact, 16th and Valencia Street in San Francisco.

And Clothes Contact was like a clothing by the pound store. Sure. The person who owned it had several vintage shops in San Francisco and there was like high end ones. And then Clothes Contact was exclusively like decommissioned sailor pants, like German grandpa shirts. That's fun. Did you get yourself a pound?

Band leader jackets. Sure. Like marching band jackets. Yes. And that was like my, I loved it. You loved that place. When I was 10 years old, couldn't keep me away from the, get myself, I think I look like Michael Jackson.

Now wait, you said that store is closed, but the owners had other vintage stores. Are they still open? I don't know. We'd have to look into what happened to La Rosa Vintage on Haight Street. Yeah. Oh, on Haight Street. Okay. Yeah.

And, Janie, you mentioned that growing up in the South, you tubed. Oh, sure. I've been tubing, yeah. Tubing is like a place I go mentally when life becomes too much. Okay. I've never done it. You know how like a sullent teen dreams of Paris? Uh-huh.

A sullent teen is like, I just need to get away from these fucking sheep. Sure. These fucking suburban sheep and get to Paris. They just don't understand you. All these phonies. You're saying they don't understand you. I'll smoke and I'll write in a cafe. And I'll wear a beret.

That's me in tubing. And I will wear a beret when I do. I probably got a beret I got from close contact. I feel like tubing is much closer to your reality than Paris. Yeah. Like it could happen. I think so. Like even this summer if you wanted it.

It could happen for me. I don't think there's any local tubing to be done. So I would have to take a trip specifically for – Maybe like a couple hours out from here there's got to be some whitewater situation. Maybe. I didn't even consider that. I just assumed that there was no tubing to be had. I went to Calgary once.

And this isn't a show where I – look, the point of the show is not for me to brag about the international destinations I've visited. But I've been to Calgary. I had to perform on a festival with Michael Franti. I wasn't performing with Michael Franti. He was headlining. Okay. But I went to the Calgary Folk Festival once. You were his didgeridoo player for a while though, right?

But not on this festival. And Calgary is a city of it's a seven digit population city. But it's one of these like I think it's an oil town. I want to say the industry that's there. It might be a cow. It might have been a cowboy town before. Obviously, the Calgary Stampede. Right. Isn't that what it is? I don't know. I don't know about any of their. I think that's right. Sorry. Sorry, Graham Clark. I think Graham's from there. He might be from Edmonton. But anyway, you go there and it's kind of a nice town

but I remember having this thing where I asked, like, hey, where's the neighborhood with record stores and vintage clothing shops? Where's the college kids whatever? And a bunch of people were like, oh, we don't have that.

Really? This is a city of like three million people or something. Yeah. No, no, no, no. But where do you go to get a blacklight poster in Calgary? I know. Where do you buy beads? Sure.

To make your friendship bracelet. Right. You know what I'm saying? Or to put up your butt for that matter. Yes. So. Maybe nobody in Calgary is friends because they can't make friendship bracelets for each other. So no one at they only have a work acquaintances and family. But I will say this. Yeah. This festival took place on an island. Okay. In a river in Calgary.

Really? And the woman who invited us to the festival, we're going over to this island, right? You know, going across a bridge or whatever it was. Oh, there's a bridge like a drawbridge or like a long bridge? Yeah, like a drawbridge, like in a castle. And then there's dragons. Okay. And the woman says... You were dropping acid at this festival, right?

Yeah. Okay. Me and Michael Franti. Sure. My most vivid memory of this entire festival is Michael Franti sitting cross-legged backstage, which was just, you know, a bunch of buses parked in a grassy field okay and uh he was sitting cross-legged and there was a circle of hippie women i would say 12 of them and one hippie guy and uh like three minutes after

i walked past them i looked back and security was escorting the guy away. Yeah, it was really hilarious. Nobody was wearing shoes. But anyway, it's in this big, beautiful urban park and we go over this river and the lady says, yeah, you know, in the summer you go tubing in that river. And I was like, okay, I get it now.

Was it summer? I would give up. I'd give up all the records, all the... yeah, just go tubing. Totally. Seems great. Tubing's great. It's really good. Have you ever done whitewater rafting?

I have done whitewater rafting once or twice. Okay. Me too. I like it. As a kid in summer camp. Okay. Okay. It's pretty fun.

What about you? No, I've never whitewater rafted. So your dreams are whitewater. Yeah. Your dream of whitewater. And then maybe it's something that I've romanticized and that maybe it won't live up. Oh, I think it would. But yeah.

Where did you grow up? Orange County. Oh, okay. So yeah, not a lot of- Not a lot of opportunities for it. Right, right. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So- But I think it'll happen. He dreams about whitewater, but only because he reads Info Wars a lot and he was really opposed to the candidacy of Hillary Clinton. Right, right. Right, sure. The Benghazi hearing. And I used to work for Blackwater.

We're like, you're Super Bowl, essentially. Don't remind me. You just re-watch them just in case. Right, yes. I have them all on VHS. Yeah. Can you socialize when you're tubing? Are you close enough to the other people in your tubing group?

Yes. Do you throw a line between each other? No, you're close enough. How do you stay close? Well, you can like – Of course, you have to tell them you care about them. Right. Right.

You have to be honest with your feelings. Yeah. And that's how that works. You have to do check-ins. Yeah, exactly. I'm not that good at that. When you're going through your whitewater moments, you're kind of like alone. You're just trying to hang on to your beer.

Yeah, your beer and your tube. I guess I imagine like going with friends, but we just go, hey, this ain't half bad, huh? Like that's all we do. But then when you spit out a little whitewater area, you're in like just kind of like lazy river times. And that's when you're, you know're getting next to each other and stuff. It's like the tube that you sit in. It's like a children's flotation device but bigger. Like it has like a sling that you put your legs into in the middle of the tube?

No. Or do you sit with your butt down and your legs down and your head up? Here's the thing. Okay. So the tube and I have done, we just do like tire. Right. Inner tubes. Yeah.

Inner tubes. Yeah. Is that what tube is short for? Yeah. You thought it was short for tuberculosis. I did. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You're learning so much. I know. Okay. I thought it was short for tube steak. So the tube is like kind of like a hammock. So your butt is like in the donut hole part of it. Oh, God, I want a hammock too.

I have a hammock. Yeah, I know. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah, you have a hammock. Congratulations. You're doing better than me. You don't have to fucking rub it in my face.

I've got three kids and a hammock. I've got three kids and I've got a hammock. I feel like you could get a hammock on Amazon Prime like this week. Put one in your living room, baby. I three kids and a hammock. I've got three kids and I've got a hammock. I feel like you could get a hammock on Amazon Prime like this week. Put one in your living room, baby. You could get one of those bouncy chairs. They're like,

they hang and... Oh, like a baby, like you put a baby in to settle their colic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I wish I had colic. Jordan, what are you doing? God, I wish I had colic.

That's funny. Wish I had the croup. I'm glad that you specified don't put your legs in the tube, though, just in case Jordan tries. Because you never, ever want your feet dangling in white water, in rapid water. Because they could hit a rock and you could. You could seriously die. You could lose a leg.

Yeah. If you were to be thrown out of your white water boat or whatever, the protocol is you immediately get on your back with your feet up in front of you. So you'd be wearing a helmet or whatever. And you'd lead with your butt. You would lead with your feet. Are there any concerns? Like on your back. You see what I'm saying?

Do you squinch up? No. You don't squinch up. Like if you're thrown from your whitewater boat? I'm imagining you... Right now I'm imagining you... Like a board. You're wearing a vest. A flotation device. A flotation vest and a little helmet.

Sure. It's like a cute little, you know. Yeah, like a helmet. Like a bike helmet. Like a safety. And then you're on your back and you're squunched. You got your knees to your chin. No. And everything is out of the water except for the back of your flotation device.

And you're going, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. No, you're on your back. Okay. So you want to become like a – That's what I'm talking about. You're on your back, but you're all squunched. You're in the fetal position. But you become no fetal position. You're like a board.

You're like an ironing board. No fetal position. You're like a board. You're like an ironing board. Oh. Like you become like an iron. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. So that your feet are in front of you so your head doesn't hit a rock. And so nothing is under, because under the surface is danger. So you want to stay above. Got it. You could have just said light as a feather, stiff as a board. I guess I could have. Yeah, you're right. And then we would have known what was going on. Right.

What's the concern critter-wise? Any? Crawdad? No, you're fine. You're fine. Like, and I'm a real critter-sensitive person. So, like, I don't like, like, even when I. That's how I sexually identify.

Yeah. Critter-sensitive. Like, in fact, I saw something this afternoon that has scarred me for a while. Very brave of you to talk about this on the show. Thank you. Very brave. This is really brave. Do we need a trigger warning?

We need some tissues. We need some tissues. I hope this isn't actually something bad. I assume it's going to be. If anyone... I just want... I'm going to give a quick trigger warning. If anyone... If you don't like critters.

If anyone has had any trauma perpetrated by crawdads, you might want to skip ahead a little bit. Well, okay. So, no, this is like unrelated to water critters. Okay. Have you ever had like one of those wasp mud mounds like on your door or on your window? Yeah, I know what you're talking about. It's like they build a beautiful

mansion for themselves. Beautiful but deadly. Okay, but so someone posted the Insta story, blah, blah, blah. Here's what I didn't know. They're filled with paralyzed spiders. Hmm. How does that happen? I don't know.

I guess they paralyze them with their venom. Sure. I don't know why they need the spiders to build the thing. Anyway, critter-wise, whitewater, you're fine. We're talking freshwater fish. Jamie. Yes. You're going back to the spiders.

Have you ever tried to build a wasp nest without spiders? Without the spiders? Mm-hmm. The whole thing just falls apart. I guess not. I mean, this is a classic rookie mistake. Are the spiders... I tried to do it with beetles once and it wasn't...

I wish I had watched my friend's Insta story because they took it off of their door and put it in this plastic bag and then crushed it inside this plastic bag and all these freaking... Paralyzed spiders. Ugh. Begging for death. Kill us, they say. And of course I'm like, there's probably YouTube videos of this that I can go down some weird wormhole. American Horror Story. Videos.

Freshwater, you're fine. Look, there's no alligators. It's when you get in the salt. I guess I'm skater snakes maybe I'm worried about. Snakes maybe. One of those swoosh around in the water snakes. You know these guys. Oh boy.

Those are really like a water moccasin. That's the one. Those are quite deadly. What about a cobra? I don't think they're in the water. But if it was, it would be mad. Yeah. If we're talking about Sylvester Stallone movies, what about over the top?

You're constantly like. You have to be worried about that. Moving. What about Rocky Balboa? What if he's in there? Cobra's a Sylvester Stallone movie. You're constantly like – You have to be worried about that? It's moving. What about Rocky Balboa? What if he's in there? Cobra's a loser. You're constantly moving. I don't know.

I think – like when I swim in the ocean, I'm constantly thinking I'm going to get attacked by a shark. Sure. I don't know about y'all. How do you feel when you swim in the ocean? I had shark fears as a kid. You don't have them anymore? No. I've gotten over my shark fears and I enjoy a dip in the ocean.

You don't have them anymore? No, I've gotten over my shark fears and I enjoy a dip in the ocean. But I definitely had a, you know, maybe six to ten of being really, really afraid of sharks. Well, here's something crazy. And stingrays. Yeah, stingrays. Which are a kind of shark, I guess. This is crazy.

Bull sharks, they can get into fresh water. No! Yeah. Oh, my gosh. But I don't think they're going I think I still want a tube. I don't think this will dissuade me from swimming. I don't think you're going to encounter a big-ass bull shark in a whitewater situation. What about a hippo?

They're very deadly. That's true. They are very deadly. They'll fuck you up, hippopotamus. I bet they're like, don't whitewater where there's hippos. I mean, don't whitewater there. What if I want to whitewater on the Limpopo River? I don't know.

Whitewater down the Limpopo. I was going to do that this fall. You were? I had penciled in. I haven't talked to my travel agent yet, but I said I wrote down call Mary. Ask about whitewater down the Limpopo River.

What is the most terrifying wild animal you've been very close to in the wild? Not like in a zoo or whatever. A bear. Whoa, what kind of bear? Brown bear? Yeah. How close? We talked about this on the show.

I have a cabin in Sequoia National Monument. Okay. And we had some friends visiting us. Uh-huh. Who were bears. They stayed the weekend. It was Paddington. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Corduroy. Yeah.

We. Oh, I have a hammock. I have three kids. I'm friends with famous bears. They came and knocked on our door, our friends, our bedroom door, early in the morning and said, 3 o'clock in the morning, let's say,

and said, hey, there's a lot of noise going on outside our window. We think it's a bear. What? I said to them, don't be silly. This is the woods. There's no bears in the woods. And I went to their window and looked down. We were on the second floor of the house.

Twas indeed a bear. Whoa. Just hanging out out back. We had put some garbage out there, so he had found that. That was our fault. Yes. Our fault. Yes.

All honey, too, right? Yeah. A big honey pot. It's because we got so much honey for our wedding. We should have had a registry. But literally 20 gallons of honey. It's like, what are you going to do with it? So we just brought it up to the cabin.

And marmalade sandwiches. Yeah. So I went down to the first floor because I had to make sure the windows were closed. And it was immediately outside the bedroom where my elderly, slightly confused, and very severely post-traumatic stress disorder addled father was sleeping. Oh. And I was like, I need to go into his bedroom. And make sure the windows are closed. Because I have to make sure the windows are closed because bears can come in through windows.

Sure they can. A lot of people think they can't, but they can. They just climb right through like it was a tree, which is what they love. Sure. Well, besides honey and the sandwiches. And so I had to decide like- And little overalls. Whether to-

We're talking about Corduroy here. Right. You know Corduroy? Yeah, sure. He's a sweet bear. Pocket for Corduroy. He lives up in- He lives in a little pocket in his overalls.

Lives up in that cave. Department store, maybe? Does he live in a cave? Who am I thinking of? Hmm. I think Corduroy- You might be thinking of a real bear. No, there's a bear that lives in a cave, and the little boy goes to get him back down from

the cave. Okay. He's a wind-up bear. Okay. What? Anyway, this real bear... Yeah, this is not Corduroy. The two scary parts,

the two truly terrifying parts of what happened were one, when I went into my dad's bedroom to make sure the door was closed and the bear was literally like a foot away from me. Whoa.

And then the... And this bear, I did not know And then the, and this bear, I did not know this at the time, this bear let itself into another cabin nearby. I talked to the cabin owners. They had to like drive it out

by banging pots and pans. Oh my gosh. And the other terrifying thing that was at least as terrifying was trying to decide whether to wake my dad or try and sneak around my dad because I knew that if I woke my dad,

he would flip the fuck out because of his PTSD. Right, right, right. But that also, like, if I went in without waking him and then accidentally woke him, he might, like, at some point... That would be alarming in a different way. I might trip over his bag. He would, like, sit bolt upright.

His arms would shoot out and he would throttle me because he thought I was, you know, a Vietnamese soldier or whatever. You know what I mean? Sorry, not to make light of post-traumatic stress disorder, but I feel like I've earned it. No. This is like your real experience. So yeah, a bear. But have you ever dealt with a deadly creature, Jordan? No.

I mean I've seen – you know, I've seen your Roman – Besides love. That's true. The deadliest of creatures. The deadliest. I've seen – you know, I've seen your Southern California coyotes. I've seen your Roman. Besides love. That's true. The deadliest of creatures. The deadliest. I've seen your Southern California coyotes. I've seen your possums. They're spooky.

Those coyotes are very spooky. I think they're sleek and beautiful. I kind of like seeing them. They're so silent. They remind me of my favorite god, Coco Pele. Oh, yeah. Sure. Coco Pele.

You guys want to see my tattoo? Yes. Michael Franti gave it to you. Okay. Pull your pants up. Janie, you wild animal? Alligators. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Definitely been too close to alligators. How close is too close? Like from here to Jordan, from here to Jordan. From you to Jordan? Yeah. Boy, that's naught but a meter. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I love about alligators? I know, I don't like them. They remind me of my favorite god, Jesus Christ. Yes. Thank you. Finally. The true god.

The finally. Like one of your polytheistic deities. Jesus Christ is the one true God. Sucks to God. Sorry, God. Take a hike, Holy Spirit. I haven't technically read the Bible, but I've got some, yeah. Anyways, Jesus has a lot of gator-like qualities.

Sorry for the blaspheming, believers. Let's see. Yeah. Well, okay, so one time we were on we went to bull island which is a barrier island and you're expected to see bull right i don't know why it's called anyway um so as we were coming back our guide because you have to take a boat there he was driving us in this um truck like we're on the back of this truck bed and he stopped he's like oh the alligators are hibernating for the winter and he stopped the truck and like on either side of this little

country dirt road there was like swamp to the right of us and swamp to the left of us and there were i'd say probably like 300 alligators. Too many. Jeez Louise. They were all just like frozen and kind of like they were hibernating. They're very still. They were very still and they were so many. And like I could feel the hair on my arms just like raising up. I didn't like sitting there.

But then I don't know. Otherwise, I guess like jellyfish. Jellyfish. I've been stung before. Oh, yeah. That's when you're in the beach in the south, you have to worry about jellies. Yeah. Oh, boy.

But you don't see them. You just feel it. Yeah. Here in Southern California, the only jellies I have to worry about at the beach are these cool shoes. The shoes? Okay. Yeah. Or it's a cool jelly. Are there not jellies out have to worry about at the beach are these cool shoes. The shoes? Okay. Yeah. Or it's a cool jelly.

Are there not jellies out here? Jelly fishes? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think in the sand. There's got to be, right? I think there are. Yeah.

I don't think it's a huge problem. I don't think you get the thing where it's like there's a swarm of jellyfish. We have to close the beach. Right. Do you? How often do you? Because you live, Janie, you live in the eastern

half of Los Angeles, if I'm not mistaken. I live in eastern Los Angeles. So, I think maybe some folks who don't live in Los Angeles might underestimate the effort it takes to go to the beach when you live on the other side of Los Angeles. Exactly. Those people are

delusional. If they think side of Los Angeles. Those people are delusional. If they think that eastern Los Angeles people can just jaunt over to the beach, they are. It's a whole project. It's a serious situation. First of all, where are you going to park? Are you going to pay $20? It takes an hour to get there. It takes an hour to get back.

I mean, you're going to park at the Annenberg Community Beach House. Sure. Yeah, that's where I go. If you've got any sense. I love Annenberg Community Beach House. Yeah, it's great. It's great. You can get food there. Yeah, but's where I go. If you've got any sense. I love Annenberg Community Beach House. Yeah, it's great. It's great. You can get food there. Yeah, but it's like a hike. And if you're a puny weakling like me, you've got a beefcake kicking

sand at you. Oh, yeah. That's a big problem. That's terrible. That has not been an issue for me since I did that Charles Atlas program. Yeah. If only you'd let me see the back of that comic book. I don't like the beach here. I like the beach on the East Coast. That's just my personal opinion. What's the

difference? Why do you prefer it? Well, first of all, it's... The pizza and the bagels. The pizza and the bagels. The water's different. The water's different in East Coast beaches. If you swim at the beach in South Carolina, it's basically like getting into bath water.

Like it's not... Here it's freezing cold and I don't know, it's like kind of like treacherous here. Like the waves are kind of treacherous. Could be deadly. Could be deadly. I don't know. I don't get I don't swim here. I don't swim in the water here. Especially if

there's cobras. If there's, I was going to say great white sharks because I bet there are. Definitely. And there's people on surfboards that look like seals and they're drawing them in. You know what? Sorry if you have misophonia and you don't want to hear me doing my award winning impression of a great white shark. It was pretty good.

Smacking his lip. I liked it. Ooh, a barrel of nails. Now, do y'all go swimming in the beach here? Like, what's your beach relationship? What's your Los Angeles beach relationship? Yeah, I like it. I like to bring a – listen, I always keep a couple of beach chairs in the trunk.

Oh, you're like that? I'm spontaneous. Oh, I love that. I'm fun. That's really amazing. That's really cool. You have a beach kit. You got a beach kit.

I got a beach kit. A little spray on sunscreen. I don't like the lotion stuff. It makes me feel sticky. I like the spray. That's really cool. You have a beach kit. You got a beach kit. I got a beach kit. A little spray on sunscreen. I don't like the lotion stuff. It makes me feel sticky. I like the spray. The spray's nice. It's less effective. Well, you got to use a lot of it.

You can get into your lungs and give you cancer. Sure. Oh, yeah. The spray? Yeah. Does the spray give you cancer? It can if it gets into your lungs. You got to be careful not to.

You're not supposed to spray it on your face. You spray it on your hands and spread it around on your face. I learned on this show a few weeks ago that bathroom wipes, potty wipes, ass wipes. Do you have another name for them? Nope, just the three. Okay, okay. Bathroom, potty, and ass are bad for the environment. And now I learned that spray sunscreen is going to give me cancer. These are my two favorite products.

I don't like any products. I like these two products. Jordan, talcum powder, which you also love. Causes cancer. Also causes cancer. What? Yeah. And you know what else?

You got to buy cornstarch-based talcum powder. I'm just going to fucking get cancer. Who cares? Plastic straws are horrible. Yeah, I think I know that. You're not me. I think I know that. I don't mind those paper straws.

What about boba straws, though, like the big ones? Those aren't as bad, right think I know that. I think I know that. I don't mind those paper straws. What about boba straws, though, like the big ones? Those aren't as bad, right? Oh, yeah. We have to make an exception for that. How are you going to get the bobas? How are you going to get the bobas? I don't know. You can't just chip it. No, you can't.

I had a nice boba at the Beard Papa earlier today. Boba at the Beard Papa. We had some of their signature cream puffs, of course. You're not going to go to the beard papa without getting some signature cream puffs. How do you order a boba? There's a boba place in my neighborhood

and I'm intimidated by it. I usually get mine over easy. Over easy? It's like I can say I want it over easy and they'll know I'm not going to order it. Or scrambled. You can get fruit instead of cottage cheese, but you have to ask. I can say I want it over easy and they'll know I'm not going to. Or scrambled. Sometimes scrambled. Never poached. You can get fruit instead of cottage cheese, but you have to ask. Okay.

Like, what is a buffalo? I think you just say the – I don't think there are kinds of – I think you just say the drink that you want. No, I think there are. Do you want the – Oh, okay. Any kind of drink. Yeah. Do you want the tea?

Do you want the milk tea? What's the best? What do you get? Often there will be a milk tea. There will be a black tea, like an oolong or something. So it's like ordering tea. Yeah. I think you say the drink and then you say if you want boba or not.

Sometimes a Thai tea. Thai iced tea. Oh, I love that. Charlie had a Thai tea boba earlier. That's nice. Oh, and a Thai iced tea is good. And sometimes there will be fruit flavors as well. Really?

Which are a little tea-y but mostly fruity. Okay. And they're all very sweet. Okay. Some of them have milk. Some of them do not. I like a milky one very sweet. Okay. Some of them have milk. Some of them do not. I like a milky one. I like them.

I think I would too. I like a milk tea. I think I'd like that. And they're going to give you some boba balls down at the bottom for fun. And that's, when do you,

when do you consume the boba balls? At the beginning or at the end? With your big fat straw. Yeah, but like, do you like,

try to drink the, Ah, shark! There's a shark in here. do you try to drink the... Ah, shark! There's a shark in here. Do you try to drink the liquid first? My thing that I... Oh, yes. Sorry. Continue. I just don't understand

the protocol. They come in along the way. That's what's nice. It's a constant. It's a well-balanced thing. You get a few here and there the whole way through, and then there's some at the bottom for you to just go. I feel like I get. I like that. The end of my boba.

Yeah. Always has too many bobas. I feel like I get that drink. Your boba to drink ratio is off. It is. You need to up your boba intake. Yeah. I need to get more boba early on so that the end of the drink is not all, I'm not just sucking down boba.

Okay, I get it. Jordan, are you scared to get up in there with that straw? Yeah, what's happening? Get down on it, baby. No, I don't know. I'm shy. You've got that big straw. Yeah, I got the big straw. You might as well use it. Yes, exactly, exactly.

Okay, I'll use my straw. You might as well use it. Yes, exactly. Exactly. I'll use my straw. Yeah. You got to get down. All right. You got to get down and get down. All right. Why are you pounding? You got to hit rock bottom.

Oh, okay. It's like the opposite of tubing. Are we talking about Boba or going to AA? What is Boba? It's like. Tapioca. It's just. And what is that again?

It's like a pudding ball. It's a type of pudding. Okay. It's just like a. It's aba. It's like. It's like. Tapioca. It's just. And what is that again? It's like a pudding ball. A type of pudding. Okay. It's just like a. It's a pudding ball. Yeah. Okay. It's a nice pudding ball.

Yeah. It's a. It's very lightly flavored. But what is it made out of? They absorb the flavor of the drink. They take on the. And that's what again? A type of pudding.

It's a nice pudding ball. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessi, Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Beginning this summer, you can listen to new episodes of Inside Pop every other week for an even deeper dive inside the world of pop culture. Now we're still bringing you our brilliant insight, always on the nose opinions, and insidery inside information on the most interesting pop culture stories of the week. And we'll also have interviews with the pop culture professionals who create the culture you crave. For example, we'll speak to casting directors about how they find the right talent

for the right role. We'll talk to music supervisors about how they choose the music to create the right mood. And we'll grill producers who will discuss what exactly a producer does. Oh man, Sean, how many times has someone said to you, oh, you're a producer, so what do you actually do? So many times. Same here. many times. Same here. So make sure to catch Inside Pop every other Wednesday on Maximum Fun

to indulge your pop culture obsessions. And to hear in-depth interviews from the movers and the shakers in TV, music, film, and more. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janie Haddad Tompkins guest. She is. It's true. Am I lying? Not lying. No, she's quite right.

Yep. The guest. I'm the guest. Tonight on this very mic you're about to hear, we swear, the top podcast guest of the year. I'm doing a little Dougie Fresh. You think you're going to get the Janie Haddad Tompkins bump? Oh, yeah. The Janie Haddad Tompkins bump? Oh, yeah. The Janie Haddad Tompkins bump?

We're relying on it. Okay. If we don't get the bump, show's over. We have to close the doors. This is our last ditch effort. I hope that's not true because it's too much pressure. Yeah, it is. Sorry.

The stakes are high. So, you know, just continue to bring it in the second half of the program. Okay. Hopefully we get that bump. When you're talking about the Janie Hadid-Tompkins bump. Yes. You mean that you're going to get us pregnant junior style, right? Yes.

As in the movie Junior? Yes. I thought it meant we were going to do a little coaching. Keep the energy up. All of the above, guys. Sure. All of the above. I think any bump you got, honestly.

I got a bump in your podcast numbers and your pregnancy bump and your cocaine bump. Can I ask you a question Janie? Three bumps. Three bumps.

Three. I have concerns that people are driving too fast down my residential street. There's kids playing.

You need a kitty gun. Wave that gun at him. Like a speed bump. There you go. Yeah. That's what we call the force bump. I got it.

The Janie Haddad Tompkins speed bump. What if I just, you know, started putting in speed bumps on my own as a private citizen? My concern, I mean, I think that's great for the safety of our children. Sure. Because our children live here. Yes. But I worry that people will see Janie Haddad Tompkins' speed bump and think that you have died. And that the speed bump is memorializing your death.

There's going to be like bouquets. Like that she's entombed in the speed bump. Yes. Yeah, could be. We'll always remember her. And I think that'll hurt your bookings because casting directors. Oh, right. They'll think I'mings because casting directors. Oh, right. They'll think I'm no longer with us.

Like, well, we'd love. We want Janie on the show, but I just drove over her speed bump on the way to this casting session. I don't know. It might just keep her name in their mind. Oh, yeah. It could slip out. Otherwise, they're trying to think who would make a great kooky neighbor on this sitcom, they're thinking themselves.

And somebody says, you know, I just went over the Janie Hadid Tompkins speed bump. If we could get her ghost in here. And then you come in and you go, hello, it's me. I actually think this is marketing genius because we see ads and stuff. We see billboards. There's like, was it billboard for Angeline or whatever. And then we see like bus stop benches and whatever. No one's done the speed bump. Right.

Do you already have speaking of just ghost technique? Do you have chains for Rattlin? Sure. I got some chains somewhere. And maybe when you enter the office, just make sure that they hear like a music box playing faintly in the background. And I'll be covered in sort of like ghostly white makeup. I think that works. Yeah, sure.

I mean, however you want to juice it. Okay. I mean, you could also just kind of outline your eyes in black, like dead president style. Oh, yeah. and black, like Dead President style. Oh, yeah. Maybe like, you know, it would be like a whole campaign, like hire more ghost actors. I'm sick and tired of living actors playing ghost roles.

Oh, my gosh, right? Yeah. When they can have ghost actors playing the real ghost parts. Yeah, they know what it is. That's their lived experience. That's exactly right. Their dead experience. Yeah. That's fun. I'm like, I'm gonna be

in Hamlet this summer. I'm gonna be like, this is like, I got a lot going on now. This is good. This is good. Thanks for the ideas. Hamlet, that's a good, that's a plum ghost role. That's a good one. Is that the top ghost? Is that the top ghost role? Gotta be, right?

Gotta be. I would say number one is Ghost Dad. Casper. But then at Christmas, I'm looking at Christmas Carol. That's chock full of ghosts. That's nothing but ghosts. I'm playing every ghost. Like Eddie Murphy style.

Ghost clumps. You know how they're like, Eddie Murphy is. Eddie Murphy is. Eddie Murphy is. And it's like, the ghost of Janie Haddad Tompkins is the ghost of Christmas past. The ghost of Janie Haddad Tompkins is the ghost of Christmas present. Would you say that's the slogan of ghost cuffs? Is that what's on the present? That's what someone says.

Ghost cuffs. Ah! Look out! Okay. of ghost clumps? Is that what's on the page? That's what someone says. Ghost clumps. Ah! Ah! Look out! Okay. Ah, they're pretty funny. All right, y'all. This is good stuff.

When something momentous happens to you, like you lead a critical reevaluation of ghost clumps. Mm-hmm. Initially reviled, but I want to say

one of the guys from The New Yorker really loves it. Mm-hmm. He also really loves Vampire in Brooklyn. Mm. Those kind of pre-comeback Eddie Murphy movies. Yeah.

Gotcha. Some good stuff in there. Yeah. Then give us a call for our segment, Momentous Occasions. I'll tell you what the phone number is. It's 206-984-4-FUN. Or you can just, Jordan, I don't know if you know this about your telephone. A lot of folks have these smart telephones these days.

Mine's dumb as a rock. Can't figure out how to use the goddamn thing. Hey, Siri. Hello. Siri. Excuse me. Help me go to the bathroom, Siri. Hey, how do I make a chicken pot pie?

But a lot of folks have these smart telephones. They got a voice memo function on there. Fire that up. Lay it down. Lay down your tracks. You can do this anywhere, but it's nice to do it somewhere quiet. Lay down your track. Get that voice memo.

And then hit that send button, baby. Send it right to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. JJ Go, that's the initials of our show. It's true. It's a contraction of our show. Initials, I guess, are JJG. Yeah. Hello, Jordan.

Hello, Jesse. Hello, Jeff. Hello, Sonny D. Joe calling from Boston. I just set fire to... Pause it, pause it, pause it, pause it. We're taking bets here. What do you set fire to, Jordan?

Shit. Well, I'm trying to gauge Joe's vibe here. Yeah. I'm going to say... This is a little chain rattly. Someone else at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Oh, wow. I had a severe, shaky, white guy vibe.

I was going to say a rejection letter. Oh, wow. That's not bad. Janie, you've played this game before. Sure. And maybe have set fire to rejection letters before. This isn't your first time playing with fire. Play the theme song, Playing With Fire.

We've never, that hasn't. Does it? Yeah, Brian hasn't written it yet. Slacking. I'm going to go ahead and say Pile of Leaves. It's not seasonal. Now that points against me. And he's in Boston.

He's not in California where there's a drought. Sure. Right. Which would get you in trouble here. I mean, his failing restaurant is another good option. Oh, that is a good option. Needs that insurance money. Yeah.

Are you switching from rejection letter? No, I'm sticking with rejection letter. Because you can switch. Do you want to phone an expert? No, I'm... We've got a real firebug on the line. Hello, it's me at Arsonists. I love to jack off into the ashes.

Oh, my God. That's right. Is that what arson is all about? It's motivated by sex? I think so, but... Sexually motivated? I mean, that's why I start fires. I'm sorry if I'm kink-shaming arsonists.

I can only speak for myself, Janie. I'm not... I know hashtag not all arsonists. Not all. Okay. Brian, let's find out. First but second Ford Bronco in a row.

The first one, I had spent seven years restoring it and took it out one day. Fuel line popped out, and it went up in an inferno. And then it took me a year to convince my wife to let me buy another one. And I took it out for the very first day, and it was smoking, and I thought it was just residue. And halfway through the day, I was driving was smoking and I thought it was just residue. And halfway

through the day I was driving around and it went up and went to Ken. So that's awesome. I'll send you pictures of those. Who was closest? That is not setting fire to something.

But he initiated the fire by turning on the fire car. Yeah, by purchasing a second version of a car that went up in smoke. I feel like we have to let him know his wife is trying to murder him. Oh, yeah.

Could be Russian mobsters. Or it could be an erotic game that they play. Yeah. You know. It sounds hot. Yeah, sure. You got to keep the fires alive somehow, the metaphorical fires.

I'd love to have those flames licking at my balls. So wait, first of all, is there not a class action lawsuit against Ford Bronco in here somewhere? This will be an old Ford Bronco. I'm going to say this is a 1975 Ford Bronco. Two old ones. Can I suggest something to this guy? I think you should. Let's switch to International Harvester Scouts.

Switch to Scouts. That's my new motto overall. Switch to Scouts. Okay. Get yourself a Scout, maybe a Scout 2. Okay. That's my recommendation. Or maybe, how about a Land Cruiser?

Can I say something about smartphones? We were talking about smartphones earlier. Okay. You know how you have on the iPhone? Hold on. I'm reconsidering it. Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

You know on the iPhone, when you swipe to the right, you got that other little screen. It shows you the weather. Yeah. Shows you the little thing on your news feed. The little notifications. And the map shows you someplace that you might be going. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Shows you the little thing on your news feed. The little notifications. And the map shows you someplace that you might be going. Can I ask a question? Yeah.

Is swiping right, is that when your finger is going left or when your finger is going right? Your finger's going left. You're bringing over the left part by your finger going right. Wait, no, your finger's going... I'm saying the finger's going right. Right. You know the screen I'm talking about. Okay. Kind of just this screen. I don't have a map set in my area. Well, no, your finger's going... I'm saying the finger's going right. Right. You know the screen I'm talking about. Okay.

Kind of just this screen. I don't have a map set in my area. Yeah, well, on my thing, it has a map and it usually is like, you know, home, 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Office. This has been told to me, yes, yes. Mine just said to me when I looked at it during the break,

20 minutes to Coinstar. So, wait a minute. It just knows where you are with reemployment. Right, I know. It's like, we've seen your bank account. Maybe, uh... That's pathetic. I know.

That's basically, like, saying, like, you better start, like, collecting your coins. I know. It really is. Anyway, I was insulted by my phone. Mine yesterday said, 18 minutes to recycling center. Sure, yeah.

Which is, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got to set mine up so I know what I'm supposed to be doing. So they can insult you. Yeah. Again, this show is not just for me to brag, but I went to the Daiso earlier today.

Okay. Which is the Japanese $1.50 store. Okay. So, yeah, I don't mind spending a little extra for a premium product. Yeah, a little extra money going on. My daughter and I were having what's called a daddy-daughter day. Oh. It's when the two of us go out and have some great—

Like that Simpsons where Lisa can pick football teams. Exactly. We're going out and having—yes. Jordan, do you relate to all emotional states? Yeah, now more than ever. Oh, I know this thing you're having. There's a Simpsons analog for this. Got it.

Anyway. Anyway, so I had invented a new drink called a Flaming Moe. Oh, okay. Okay. This ingredient was cough syrup. My daughter and I went to the Daiso. We were having an adventure day. I thought, this is fun.

We'll get something at the Daiso. She can pick anything she wants. Okay. Because look, I spend more than $4 in this joint. I hear you. If you're picking one item. Dollar, dollar bills. Initially, she goes, she says she wants to get herself some purple nail polish.

Okay. So it's great. $1.50 out the door. We're in business. Okay. Then she says, we're standing in line. She says, wait, wait, wait. I want to get something different.

I'm like, what's it going to be? Is it going to be a fun animal eraser? Is it going to be? You know, there's a lot of great options. Sure. In the Daiso. I don't know if you've ever been. Have you ever been in the Daiso?

I haven't been in the Daiso. Okay. Well, it's a ton of fun. Okay. Pot holder that looks like a fried egg. Yeah, absolutely. How about a pencil bag that's made of silicon shaped exactly and looks exactly a dead ringer for a banana, which is a fruit, not a bag at all. Hilarious.

That's pretty good. That's good. So. Tempting. We're in the Daiso. She says, it's not going to be the fingernail polish. I'm picking something else. Okay.

She runs. She comes back. And she has one of those grabber devices that people use to pull a can out of a public trash, like an aluminum can out of a public trash can. Right, like elderly people who can't pick things up off the floor situation. Okay. And so I bought it for her because I had said. What's she been grabbing?

What hasn't she been grabbing, Jordan? Everything. Yeah. Oh, she's all over town. Grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab. So she loves it. She loves it. She loves grabbing.

I'm concerned about what message it sends. Sure. It's probably just a phase. I'm concerned about what message it sends. Sure. It's probably just a phase. I mean, I want to be clear. To this point, she hasn't grabbed any tushies. Okay. That's good.

Or front tushies. Mm-hmm. Front tushies. Or wallets out of people's back pockets. Or people's pets. Is that- Are you worried about her chomping on some pets? Jordan. Yeah, the pets is what I would...

She's grabbed a few wallets. But you know our family motto. You've got to pick a pocket or two. Sure. Is that from... Oliver? Yeah, that seems right. Yeah.

No pets, although my middle son, Oscar, my four-year-old, found it at home and immediately went for the dog. Yeah. She was not crazy about it, the dog. No. Not crazy about it. That's not good. Dog's not going to like that. That's not good.

You know what? If he does it, she bites off his hand. Then he learns. Sure. He learns. He's going to learn the lesson. It's a cool hook. He's going to learn all kinds of stuff. He's going to learn how to type with one hand. Then he learns. Sure. He learns. He's going to learn the lesson. It's a cool hook. He's going to learn all kinds of stuff.

He's going to learn how to type with one hand. He's going to be like, don't grab the dog. Yeah. He's probably going to get dragon naturally speaking so he can dictate. He's only got one hand. Yeah. And by the time he's ready to dictate, they'll be like on the 23rd edition. Yeah.

Of dragon naturally speaking. Of dragon naturally edition. Yeah. Of Dragon Naturally Speaking. Of Dragon Naturally Speaking. Yeah. I mean, there may even, by the time he's ready, there may even be a setting for that in Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. Yes. Hand bit off by dog. Yeah.

Yes. Or one hand, one hook. Sure, yeah. You know, that's another possibility. I don't know where the software world is headed, Jordan. Hard to say. What am I, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist? Not that I know of.

Well, that's because I'm not. Well, I know that we're going to have, like, community boats. Yeah, these boat rental apps. The boat, yeah. Sure. Like, along with the bird scooters and the city bikes. You know who follows me on Twitter? Who?

That guy who invented Netscape. We'll spell... WaitO-T-E. Wait, that guy, can you get him to fund our- Yeah, I think we gotta- Tell him we'll spell it B-O-T-E. Also, Craig from Craigslist listens to Judge John Hodgman. That's fun. I mean, I don't think he listens to this one, though,

but if you're out there, Craig- But John can get him to fund it. Yeah, ironically, I don't deal with Craig from Craigslist. Too much drama. Yeah. Too much drama, that guy. Ah, the drama! Well, Jordan, you're saying that, but it's because

you dated Angie for so long. Oh my gosh, Angie. That's true. I broke up America's favorite list couple. Sorry, Craig, I have a nicer couch. We have another call. Let's take it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Matt. I'm a nicer couch. We have another call. Let's take it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go.

This is Matt. I'm a surgeon here in Texas. I just got done removing a lost vibrator out of somebody's rectum. Finally. It was purple, but the batteries had died, so I don't know if that means it's still a vibrator or if it's just a dildo at that point. I'll let you guys figure that out. Love the show. Bye.

No, you figured that for us. You're the doctor. Yeah. You went to like 17 years of college, and you're leaving it to us to figure out whether a vibrator with dead batteries is a dildo? It's a dildo. You think it's a dildo? Well, if it's not going to vibrate, then it's a

dildo. You could replace the batteries. Then does it transform into a vibrator? Yeah. But I mean like. Is a car that's out of gas a chair? Yes. Oh, you know what?

I'd like to change my answer because that was an excellent point. Thank you. That was a really good analogy. It has the potential to vibrate. Yeah. You mean a car? It's still a vibrator. Yeah. You're right. You don't want like a dirt bike if you're really going to get off.

Yeah, exactly. I can't fit a car up my butt. So like surgically removing, so like where, like what, like isn't, okay. I didn't go to medical school, obviously. None of us did. Only this guy did. And he can't even answer these hard questions. But why is surgery, like they can't like put the grabber that you bought your kid up in there.

They don't have a Japanese dollar store. Why is an – like where is the incision being made? I think what happens is – this is my guess. Okay. What happens is first of all, someone forgets probably the most important maxim of Jordan, Jesse, go, which is – Without a base, without a trace. And they put something in there. Yeah.

And, well, there's no base on there. What happens next? Yeah. Without a trace. By the way, it's almost Analogus, so get those letters off to Anal Santa. Every August we celebrate Analogus. Okay. So.

Pretty soon. It's coming up. It's coming up. It's earlier every year the Analogist decorations come out. Caught unawares. Earlier every year. You put it in there. So you put it in there and it doesn't have the base.

Put it in there like you put it in there yourself. Yeah. No one's like doing it for you. No, I think you're putting it in there yourself. Okay, you're like, I'm going to put this in there. I mean, it would be terrible if someone else was putting it for you. No, I think you're putting it in there yourself. Okay. You're like, I'm going to put this in there. I mean, it would be terrible if someone else was putting it in there. They're like, oh, whoops.

Oh, it slipped. Now it's all the way inside you. And I can't drive you to the hospital. Yeah. I have an appointment. I forgot. I had to be somewhere. Oh, God. Sorry.

You're okay. You're cool. Are you cool? Yeah. I'll call you an Uber. Yeah. Right. What happens is it goes in there and then your butt just goes.

Ah, butt shark. So it's in there. Ghost bumps. And then you're like, I got to go to the ER. Yeah. And tell, like, this has got to be this guy's, like, worst day. Yeah. I think.

No, this is fun for him. Yeah. Because ordinarily. It's a call to podcast. That's fun. He's a surgeon. No, not the surgeon's worst day. The patient's worst day.

Oh, the butt hammer. This is his worst day because of the prostate stimulation. Sure. Very erotic. Stimulates the prostate. But it ran out of battery. Oh. I guess he did not say the gender.

It could be. Could be a lady. Could be up a lady's butt. He didn't say the gender? We just assumed. We assumed. Oh, we're gender biased. I guess we are. Could be gender nonconforming person.

I don't know. Women might not be shoving things up their butt as much as men are. No. It's the prostate thing. I'd like to see a graph. There's got to be statistics on it somewhere. I'd like to see a graph. There's got to be statistics on it somewhere. I'd like to see, yeah. I'm aroused by graphs, so I got to go up and then go down.

I'm more of a chart man, but, you know, it's a classic age-old conflict. Are you a chart man or a graph guy? I would like to know. I wish that we could call the surgeon right now because I kind of want to know, like. If you could get a free surgery. No, like, how does this, like, go down? Like, in terms of, like, are people. It goes up, I believe.

They go up. Okay. It's saying, like, how are they, like, are they, is it funny? I mean, it's, like, life-threatening, right? It is kind of, right. Once it goes all the way in there. Like if it's up in there and you're not passing it. I think what happens is it goes all the way in there and it's terrifying.

And you're in trouble. And then you think it's going to come out and you think it's kind of funny. And there's an obstruction. But then it doesn't come out. Like it could be a bowel obstruction and you could die. Right. Like when a dog eats a toy. So basically it's not like,

you got a dildo stuck in your butt. It's sort of like, I need like anesthesia stat. Hi, I'm Dr. Thomas. Have a seat. Maybe you don't have a seat. Do you mind if I stand? Do you mind if I stand?

I might stand. Ha ha ha, ha. You got a dildo stuck up your butt. I'm sure you see this all the time, doctor. Bedside manner. I mean, you definitely have seen this all the time, right? Right? Yeah.

I mean, constantly. I'm not. I mean, this can't be the first time you've heard of this. Do you see this sign on my desk? What does it say? Without a base? Without a tray? Oh, I listen to that podcast, too. Do you think he sign on my desk? What does it say? Without a base? Oh, I listen to that podcast too.

Do you think he's a butt surgeon? I think he's an ER surgeon. You have to be like board certified in butt surgery to become a butt surgeon. You can't just start cutting up butts. I don't think he's cutting up. I think he's getting in there. Oh, really? He's old to get in there. Like a scope?

Like a scope? Yeah. Or, you know, a joss of life or something. I mean, I've had a colonoscopy. Okay. Not to brag. Again, this is not a show about bragging. Okay.

You guys, you high rollers. Yeah. Like, go to the doctor for a necessary procedure. That was like they put you under. Like, I was put under. Oh, stone cold, huh? Well, they went up and then they also went down. Oh.

They went like- The all up and down. And then what do they do? Meet in the middle? It's a dopenscope. Little- I don't think they do it at the same time, but they put it down the top and then they put it up the bottom.

Did they go in the nose? Separately. Did they go in the nose? I don't know. It was like I was on the michael jackson they i don't know they didn't know nothing did they say to you this is the michael jackson stuff i can't remember because they said it to me when i got my appendix out and it's bothered me ever since they're really into that's a fucked up thing to say the man died of that died from it died of

it yeah they're proud of it but they're proud it. You're doing the same drug as a celebrity. That's cool. They're proud of it. They're proud of the propofol. Yeah. It's just a little, you know. Mm-hmm. Anyway, I'm glad, Jordan.

I don't want to speak for you. Please don't. In my capacity as one of the two hosts of this show, I'm glad that all our talk about what's the most important and significant thing that got lost inside your body, which we got some perfectly good calls about. Absolutely. But none of them were up the butt and none of them were sex stuff. Yeah. And so I'm glad that someone finally delivered on that because obviously, you know, you put a bean up your nose.

Right. It's fine. It's fine. It's great. All the best to you. I'll send you a card at New Year's. Sure. Only because I couldn't quite get it together in time for Christmas. Put the bean up the nose.

It didn't go up by accident. They put it in there. Well, they were snorting some cocaine, but they were snorting it off a pile of pintos. Off some beans. Yeah. There were some lentils on the table. Yeah. It was a split pee.

Yeah. And I'm glad that – I, for one, am glad that someone finally called in a sex thing that went up the butt. A vibrator, which we determined it was. Yeah. Obviously what we were hoping for was for people to call in and say, yes, I lost this sex thing up my butt or this. In fact, this, I would say, is the lowest stakes because it is a sexual device. And I think obviously our real dream was a G.I. Joe, a zucchini, pineapple. Otterpop would be one.

Would you say frozen or unfrozen? Yeah. Frozen little orphan orange. Got it. Yeah. one. Would you say frozen or unfrozen? Yeah, frozen Little Orphan Orange. Got it. Yeah. Okay, thank you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

Hi, I'm Paula Poundstone. And I'm Adam Felber. Adam, I haven't gotten one thing done today. Well, let me see your to-do list. Ah, yeah, well, here. Make 30-second promo for Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, so at least you're getting that done. Score!

Except you haven't said what the show is about. We're like a comedy field guide to life, starring me and you. I give useful advice, and we have real experts to talk about things like how to keep a friend, or what to do when you encounter a bear. Bully for you, but you haven't said where people can find the show. Oh, MaximumFun.org or wherever you find your podcasts.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, hot, positive. Janie had had Tompkins, still guest. Yeah, she's doing it. Man, Jordan, I wish that thing you said off air you'd said on air because it was real fun. Yeah. Should we try to recreate it?

Yeah, let's recreate it because it was really fun. Okay, so Janie, your skin, you're having a cosmetic peel, right? Yeah, I did a sensitive chemical peel. I had a group on. Congratulations. Thank you. Again, not a bragging show. I know.

And it's just like for sensitive skin, but my skin is peeling, so I had to explain to you guys. I'm like, oh. But then I was like, afterwards, I'm going to, like in two days or whatever, I'm going to look like Nicole Kidman. Yeah. Because she looks. She looks great. Beautiful.

I mean, her skin is like alabaster. And I was like, what's her secret? And then you said. I said, she's probably because she's from Australia. Because, you know, outback don't crack. Worth it. You know what? Worth the run.

Worth the run. I like that. Great job. I like that. Big ups to JC, my Lord and Savior. Jesus Christ, one true God. More than God. More than the Holy Spirit.

Holy Spirit can suck it. More than Gilgamesh. Nicole, if you're listening. Yeah, Nicole, if you're listening. Jordan, I'm glad. Give your life to Christ. I'm glad you brought up Gilgamesh because I was hanging out

with a Jordan Jesse Go listener this past week, a friend who is a Jordan Jesse Go listener, and I was talking about how she mentioned something that I

will always bring up. I don't remember what it was. And I said, oh, yeah, like Jordan's always bringing up Gilgamesh, the epic of Gilgamesh.

And now you did. I did. I appreciate it. What's the name of his dog friend, Enkidu? I don't know. I don't think I remember enough about the epic of Gilgamesh. I think Enkidu is his dog friend. It's a fun creation.

One of my favorite creation stories. Okay. Don't know much about it. Go ahead and Google Enkidu. Okay. You got a lot of fun out of it. Turn that safe search off, too, with the good stuff. Okay.

Pregnant Enkidu. Check it out. Pregnant Enkidu. Pregnant Enkidu. Sonic on the cross. Oh, boy. I was thinking of Gargamel. I bet there's some pregnant Gargamels out there.

Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Some hot Gargamels. Why did Gargamel hate the Smurfs? I don't know. I don't know much about Smurf lore. I mean, the Smurfs are kind of dicks. They're kind of smug.

Yeah. I don't know. They think they've got it so great in their little socialist utopia. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, like Papa Smurf is probably Bernie Sanders. I don't know. They think they've got it so great in their little socialist utopia. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, like Papa Smurf is probably Bernie Sanders. Well, I know he's anti-gun control, so in that sense he's like Bernie Sanders.

What? Anyway. I'm pro-gun control, and I'm sorry to your listeners that take offense. Yeah. We're sorry to control, and I'm sorry to your listeners that take offense. Yeah. We're sorry to everybody, Smurfs included. Oh, y'all, this really happened to me like two days ago. What? I was driving down the street.

I hit a Smurf. I didn't tell anybody. I just kept driving. I called animal control. Yeah, right. It was the one girl Smurf, too. That's the end of the Smurfs. So, you know, my cell phone rings and it's a

it's a number that i don't recognize but i thought it i don't usually answer those numbers but for some reason i was like oh i wonder if that was a person i just left blah blah so i answered it and it was the nra whoa and that um it was like a young girl and she was like, oh, hi, I just called you from the NRA because she had like this like whole little spiel that I let her get through. Basically, like Wayne LaPierre wanted to give me a free tote bag. Yeah. And I was like, oh, God. And tote bag is a sex thing? I don't know.

I don't know what. What is it? Like a gun shaped tote bag or what? And I was like, actually – That could be cute. I can see that on NRA, Etsy. I was like, I'm sorry. I don't support the NRA.

And not only that, I don't believe that gun control laws will negatively impact the Second Amendment when – Well said. Yeah. Well said. And she's like, okay, thank you. Wow. She didn't have a response? No, because I think she was instructed to go on to the next person. Yeah, she's looking for a sale.

Yeah. She's trying to close. I was like, I don't want your free tote bag. So she wasn't, okay, she was just there to get rid of the tote bag. She was not there to change her mind about the Second Amendment. Is that what you use to carry a gun? No, you can carry- Like a nice canvas tote? You can carry them openly and

you don't have to conceal them. You just carry them out. You just carry it out in your hand. Maybe it's for convenience, you know. You know, if you're a Trader Joe's. You mean like hands-free or something? I carry... I have a few handguns. A couple of handguns. Sure. Three or four. Do you carry them out in the world?

I carry them in a tote for two reasons. Number one. It's better for the environment than a plastic bag. Right. Exactly. And number two, I don't mind people knowing that I subscribe to The Atlantic. Right. I mean, I could put some handguns in my Nina Toten bag or something, but I don't have any guns.

Sorry. It's okay. But the NRA called me. Isn't that weird? It's a little weird. They probably got your number from the Democratic National Committee. It's a Groupon. You get that facial peel Groupon.

It was. I bet you're right. I bet it was Groupon. It might be Groupon. Selling your info. Trying to get you to go whale watching. Fuck them. I am trying to figure out how

they i think they were just cold calling uh la area codes yeah you know where we'll tell a lot of these npr or these nra tote bags wait that's the thing it was a free tote bag and then after i hung up i realized i should have said yes yeah to the tote bag to like, you know, hobble them financially. Oh, sure. Boats and totes life. For my boats and totes life. You could have creatively defaced it somehow. I don't know.

I'm not one of those. And I could have been like, I know a bunch of other people don't want those free tote bags and then give other numbers. And then they're just giving out tote bags like crazy. You know what I would have said? Postage bankrupts them. numbers and then they're just giving out tote bags like crazy. You know what I would have said? Postage bankrupts them.

I don't want to feel like I'm mansplaining or correcting you or whatever, but I do have an idea I could offer you. Okay. I'd like to hear it. I give you permission. Why don't you just ask them to send you money? Ooh. Like I'll take that tote bag.

How about? Eight dollars. Yeah. Do you want me to support the NRA? And then they'll say yes. And I'll say it'll cost you. Well, you just say this. My uncle has a million dollars in an escrow account. Just wire me $800.

Yeah. I'll get it back to you, Wayne LaPierre. Isn't Oliver North the boss of the NRA now? Well, she said Wayne LaPierre. Maybe she's got an outdated script. Could be. Anyway. Now I got to find out.

I did Oliver North. Yeah. Hard to say. Remember him? Yeah. Famous criminal. Oliver North. Criminality celebrity.

But he kind of did take, didn't he sort of take the hit for Reagan? Isn't that the whole thing? Yeah, I think that's the story. But I think the three of us, given our, you know, cultural zone we inhabit. The three of us. Southern California. Yeah. Okay.

We're lousy with tote bags. The three of us, have we had so many fucking totes? That's what I thought. I don't even use them that much. I got a closet full of totes. They were like, let's call Southern California Area Codes. We'll get them with tote bags. Oh, these people are tote crazy.

They love tote bags. Can I tell you something? I was at a store earlier today. Okay. Fucking bragging again. Oh, gosh. Went to a store. And I was looking at this nice- Those stores. Here we go again. I was looking at this nice tote. I don't need a Oh, gosh. We went to a store. And I was looking at this nice...

Those stores. Here we go. I was looking at this nice tote. I don't need a tote, but this is a handsome-ass tote. Yeah? Very handsome tote. Okay.

A lot of colors in this tote. Uh-huh. And a nice little interior zip pocket. Was this an amazing Technicolor Dream Tote? Yes. I'm looking at this tote, and I'm thinking, this is a good tote.

It's a little expensive, though, but I like this tote. Sure. Maybe I want to spend this. I had a credit for the store. I'm thinking, I can just take this tote home. It's nice. They tell me it's Roman Coppola's Tote Company.

What? And I'm going to tell you the truth. I don't have anything against Roman Coppola. Who knew he had a tote company? I met Jason Schwartzman one time, and he was lovely. He was absolutely lovely. I think he's funny. I think they have anything against Roman Coppola. Who knew he had a toad company? I met Jason Schwartzman one time and he was lovely. He was absolutely lovely. I think he's funny. I think they're good buddies. He's funny. Jason Schwartzman? Don't you think he's

funny? Yeah, I think he's fucking great. When he's in stuff? Yeah, he's fucking great. I enjoy him. I love Bored to Death. It's one of my favorite shows ever. Oh, no way. Yeah, love Bored to Death. My friend wrote on it. Oh, well your friend sounds great. She's awesome. We've had Jonathan Ames on this very program. He's a strange man who I love and admire.

That's what I heard because my friend wrote on it. Don't understand how he got a television show twice, but I really support it. Anyway, this is Roman Coppola's tote company. And? I said, you know, he doesn't need my tote money. So you kept it. You kept your store credit. He's got that fucking vineyard.

He's got the Coppola money. He's got that fucking vineyard. But he's got the Copp tell money. So you kept it. You kept your store credit. He's got that fucking vineyard. He's got the Coppola money. He's got that fucking vineyard. But he's got the Coppola money. He couldn't wire it to his cousin, Nicolas Cage, who does need it. He does need it.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Janie, hot-a-tompkins, actress, not just on screen, but also in your ears in the Smash It Podcast bubble.

That's right. That's right. Episode three, one of the highlights. I'm going to say- Janie throws that episode on her back and totes it right away. I just carried it out the door. The best one in that episode, and I'm including Hodgman. Wow.

That's right. You're better than Hodgman. Look, John Hodgman, are you one of my closest friends in the world? Are you also close personal friends with the Hatted Tompkins family? Yes. Yes. Go fuck yourself, Hodgman, are you one of my closest friends in the world? Are you also close personal friends with the Hatted Tompkins family? Yes. Yes. Go fuck yourself, Hodgman. We've turned against you because we're all about Janie now.

Yeah. No, thank you. You came in to do that part and you really, when we were doing this, this bubble that people should download if they haven't already. Yeah. You can also pronounce it Buble. Sure, if you want it to be confusing. You know, we had a lot of different kinds

of people come in to do voices. You know, we had tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones. Any ghosts? All whites, though. To be clear. And that was a problem on our part. People of many races.

But all living, though. They were all living. And that was a that was a many races, many races, but all living though. Huh? They were all living. Everyone was living. That's true.

And you know, an oversight on our part. I can only do a little better next time. I tried and failed to book

our favorite ghost actor, John Wilkes Booth. Okay. Yeah. Maybe next. A controversial choice.

I feel like look at the art art not the person right that's my and a lot of I get it you know people like

bringing different like skills to the table you know people use their voice in different ways and when you sat down there

I'm like oh there's a pro really there's a fucking pro are you for real she's done this she's been on regular show.

Brought it. Nailed it. Fun, specific character. You had a take. Seriously. So funny. Fire to the microphone. So funny.

I literally burned down the whole building because I was like, we're never going to. That's it. That's it. You're done. How are you going to top episode three? We're not. Episode three peaks. And then. It's a gentle slope down. We're not. Episode three peaks and then.

It's a gentle slope downward. Yeah, sure. We have five more episodes. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I just make a suggestion. Please. Spinoff series.

Oh. Yeah. I'll just leave it here. You don't have to answer now. Thanks. Sure. Spinoffs have never been bigger. Look at Solo, a Star Wars story. Exactly.

Exactly. never been bigger look at look at solo a star wars story exactly exactly um janie but you you have a podcast that you've resurrected correct people want to listen to more of you after they lived in episode three of bubble correct it is called yes janie and aaron does hollywood that is the name of it and they can you get that. You can find it anywhere. Find it anywhere. Yeah. So wherever you get. Podcasts? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Yep. Phones. Phones. Zunes. Actually, if you listen to Jordan and Jesse go, I actually think you would enjoy Janie and Aaron Does Hollywood. Similar vibe. Yes.

It's a fun conversational. Chat show about totes. Chat show about totes. Chat show about everything. Things lost up butts program. Everything. And I co-host

with my best friend Aaron Ginsberg. He's a TV writer and we kind of give you like what it's like to live in Hollywood. A little of this and a little of that.

A little of this and a little of that. And it's really fun. People like it. We get lots of great feedback from it. Don't miss Bubble at the

San Diego Comic Con, which is Saturday. Saturday. Oh, wow. When are y'all going down? July 21st. We're going to be there at 5 o'clock.

At the San Diego Public Library. At the San Diego Public Library. So I think you can get in with your Comic Con badge, but also, if you're just a San

Diego with no badge, you can get in as well. And please do. Yeah, you have to register at the library. Yeah. So go to your with no badge, you can get in as well. And please do. Yeah, you have to register at the library. Yeah. So go to your public library. But you can find all the information at Maximum Fund. Check out the microfiche.

Maximumfund.org slash SDCC. Can I? I was looking at the schedule. Yeah. Because I'm. We got a signing too. You're planning ahead. We're planning ahead.

So I'm like. You know what the signing is going to look like? Hmm. It's going to look like one of those bar graphs where there's one really long one and two little tiny ones. But the really long one is just people waiting to get an autograph from Travis. Yeah. And Christella. Oh, Christella, yeah.

Because she's Cruz. Yeah. I forget her name. Her name is in scars. Graphs sexually arouse you. So, yeah, I'm into that. So that's a good day for you. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm excited about this graph. So, yeah, so who do that. So that's a good day for you. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited about this graph. So, yeah, so who do we got at this thing? We got Travis McElroy. Chrisella Alonso. Mike Mitchell. Eliza Skinner. Alison Becker. Danielle Radford.

I think Danielle not at the signing, but at the panel. I'm going to be moderating the panel. You'll be making sure it remains moderate. Thank you. Yeah. Doesn't get too far left or right. Exactly. I was looking at the schedule. Because I'm like, oh, we're on at five. Yeah. I wonder get too far left or right. Exactly. I was looking at the schedule because I'm like,

oh, we're on at five. I wonder what else is on at five. Everything you want to see. Is that what you're about to say? Deadpool and Doctor Who. Come on. It perfectly bisects our audience. When you can't get into Deadpool and you can't get

into Doctor Who. We're your third choice. Come to bubble. Third choice. Third choice. No, we need you. you can't get into Doctor Who. We're your third choice. Come to Bubble. Third choice. Third choice. No, we need you. They don't. Those jerks. And this, what have they done for you?

You have to buy a pass to get into Deadpool and Doctor Who. Yeah. You can just register with the San Diego Public Library to get into this. Oh, that's your show, guys. So we can throw this out to regular San Diegans. If you're in the Navy, come by. If you're Tony Gwynn. If you run a paintball range. If you're Tony Gwynn. If you run a paintball range. If you're Tony Hawk.

If you sell cargo shorts and polo shirts, stop by. If you've got a nice, chill vibe, come by. Yeah. So, yeah, please come to our show. It's going to be great. We're going to have a lot of fun. Your show is going to be very well attended. I think so.

And it's going to be a wonderful group of people. I think so, too. Thank you. Thank you very much. And we've got. And it's going to be a wonderful group of people. I think so, too. Thank you. Thank you very much. And we've got a new plan, Jordan. This is my plan. Yeah. The last episode of Bubble drops, we're looking at the calendar, August 1st.

The perfect time for it to drop is also the start of Anal August. We're focusing all our Apple Podcasts lasers on that day. We want to go out on top. So, here's what you do. On August 1st,

the day that the last bubble episode drops, we want you share that Apple Podcasts link, review in Apple Podcasts, click on subscribe in Apple Podcasts.

Yes, we would be so cool to like end the run on the top of the comedy charts. We want to take down Dax Shepard. Who doesn't? We're fine with Dax Shepard. He was good on Parenthood. That doesn't mean we can't take him down. Get him in our sights.

Take him down. So, yeah, no, all of the reviews and the shares really, really, really help. So, definitely, if you have not done that, do it already. And if you're waiting, August 1st, get in there. He doesn't need this. He's married to Veronica Mars. Yeah. This guy's already married to Veronica Mars.

He thinks he needs the top of the fucking podcast charts. Exactly. This guy's not sweating it. Selfish. He's in Without a Paddle, directed by Bob Odenkirk. I totally agree. Like, he doesn't deserve a piece of this pie. I mean,

he was good in Parenthood. I'm not saying he wasn't good in Parenthood. Didn't watch it. It was a really solid network drama and he did great work there and I'm not,

I'm not here to say he doesn't deserve his success in Marriage with Veronica Mars or in the show Parenthood. It's on NBC, I believe.

This is something I've never said out loud. One time, this must have been five years ago, I was driving east on Franklin Boulevard. Great direction, great street. Yeah, I was on Franklin going east in Los Angeles, almost to Western. I was behind Franklin going east in Los Angeles almost to western. I was behind the motorcyclist.

The motorcyclist turned left really hard and ate it and spun out and, like, spilled out into the street. And it was Dax Shepard. And I slowed down and I thought, oh, my God, is he okay? But then he got back up on his motorcycle and went off. It's okay. I'm married to Veronica Mars. I married Veronica Mars from the show Veronica Mars. Yeah.

Because of his marriage to Veronica Mars, he sustained no injuries in his motorcycle accident. So, again, the man's invincible. We're not. We're mortals. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. He defied death. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. He defied death.

Yeah. He's married to Veronica Mars. He's good in parenthood. Bubble deserves to rise to the top. We don't have any of this. That's right. That's what I'm saying. Thank you.

Okay. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He's the one that you hear outside the studio laughing through the window. He's the one that you hear outside the studio laughing through the window. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter where you can find us, all three of us, at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris. Janie, what are you on that Twitter? I'm at Janie Haddad. There you go.

You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go. Bubble is also there on Facebook. Having a lot of fun. You can find us on another thing. Are you on Instagram? Reddit. That's the word I'm looking for.

Maximumfun.reddit.com. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.