Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 542: Hot Time Summer Hang with Mara Wilson and Marina Shifrin

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

Jordan takes the reigns this week and is joined by actress and writer Mara Wilson and comedian and writer Marina Shifrin for a discussion of how Marina's father reacted to the sex stories in her new book, Mara's love of the Magnolia Park neighborhood in Burbank, and the powerful nostalgia of Empire Records. Plus, Jordan brings in some malt beverages for the beloved summer drink taste test segment.   Check out Mara's Substack newsletter, "Shant We Tell the Vicar?" here! Check out Marina's new book, "30 Before 30: How I Made a Mess of My 20s, and You Can Too" here! And, of course, BUBBLE is still going strong -- episode seven is out and the big finale is coming this week! Subscribe to BUBBLE on iTunes! Or use this feed for your other podcatcher needs: https://maximumfun.org/feeds/bubble.xml

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. This is Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jesse Thorne out this week. Could be vacation. Could be health problems. Could be he is tending to a loved one who is about to pass uh i don't know because i am a bad friend uh he is not here this week uh but uh hey hey brian do me a solid and if it turns out jesse is tending to a dying loved one edit that out of the show and make it sound like i'm not a monster anyway uh jordan Moore's Boy Detective here with two amazing guests, first timers to the show, who I can only assume will become beloved regulars after this amazing show.

Am I building it up too much? I'm a little nervous. Yeah. I actually thought, I thought, Mara, not to like take your thing. I was about to introduce you. Okay, sorry. Sorry. No, no, no.

Finish your sentence. I'm just kidding. I haven't introduced anybody yet, but go ahead. I thought Mara was on to introduce you. Sorry. No, no. Finish your sentence. I'm just kidding. I haven't introduced anybody yet. But go ahead. I thought Mara was on the show before. So now I'm like, now maybe we'll just spin off and have our own if it goes very well. Mara and Marina? Yeah.

That would be great, actually. Our names are almost the same. You're already planning the spin off and we haven't even done the show yet. It's like if Frasier came out after the first episode of Cheers. Yeah. yet. It's like if Frasier came out after the first episode of Cheers. Yeah. My guests, my delightful guests, who

you heard chatting just a second ago, an actress, an author, and the brains behind the delightful subscription newsletter Shant We Tell the Vicar, a place for comedy, essays, and

fake BBC show titles. Mara Wilson. Mara, welcome to the show. Hi, thank, and fake BBC show titles. Mara Wilson. Mara, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you very much for having me. And the other voice you heard there is a comic, a former co-worker of mine, and the author of the delightful and hilarious new book of essays, 30 Before 30, How I Made a Mess of My Twents, and You Can Too, Marina Shiffrin. Hi, Marina.

Hi. It's so good to see you again this week. I know. We saw each other. I came to your book reading at Skylight Books. I know. It's actually more stressful to have friends at reading where you recognize their laughter, you know?

Oh, sure. Because you have a great laugh, and I was listening for it. Thank you. Nice of you to say. Yeah. Do you feel like I laughed at the right stuff? You could have laughed more, you know, but just kidding. No, you're right.

You're right. It's always so hard in those book reading situations because I think, you know, as a kid, we're kind of taught to, like, behave ourselves in libraries and bookstores. And, like, laughing at a comedy thing in one feels naughty. Yeah. I called them and asked if I could bring alcohol and they were like, of course. Like, it was a stupid question. Have you ever had a book reading? Yeah, I had a book launch party. And was it at Skylight? No, it was it was in New York. It was when I was still living in New York. And I did want to do I did a reading in LA, but they did it at the Barnes and Noble at the Grove. I kind of wish we'd done it at Skylight. I really like Skylight.

That's a good Barnes & Noble, though. As someone who lives across the street from the Grove, I enjoy that Barnes & Noble. It was a good Barnes & Noble. Three stories. Yeah, it's huge. I kind of got lost in there. In fact, it was so big that my parents showed up and I didn't see them until somebody came up to me to get something signed and was like, hey, I was just talking with your dad.

And I was like, wait, what? And I looked over. My dad was in the line and he was waving. Did he have a T-shirt that says world's best dad or something? No, he was he was just like and he was like talking to the girl. He was like, he was like, you know, so long, Emily. That's my kid up there. No, my dad.

My dad's kind of a shy type of guy. But I think that like she mentioned I think that she mentioned he's friendly. You know, he's he's kind of quiet, but he's friendly. And I think she mentioned something about like going to college in Chicago. And he was like, oh, I went to Northwestern. And she was like, great. Why are you here? And he was like, oh, I'm Mara's dad.

That's very much the kind of. Dads love to talk about where they went to college. Yes, they do. They really do. Marina, interesting. Your dad was at your book reading as well. And when he was mentioned

in your essays, he silently raised his hand. Yes. He was in the front row and would just... When dad came up, there's a hairy arm would shoot up.

Right up into the air. Yeah. I think it got the biggest laugh of the night, which I was like, okay, dad. Your dad was killing. He was crushing. He really was. His bits were going off really well.

But yeah, my dad and my little brother were there. And also I heard someone off to the side ask afterwards when I was doing the book signing, asked my brother like, oh, who is that? And he goes, my sister. And then walked away. And I was like like very not helpful like i'm sure he was just kind of like is this a new author or who's this and um anyway but it is interesting that when one families come and how they handle that kind of my dad and that girl like hit it off oh really like she messaged me later like she was he was waving at her like so nice to meet you emily good luck with all your future endeavors like hey me

and your dad are going to see Steely Dan next weekend. Exactly. She tweeted at me being like, you were cool to meet, but your dad was really cool to meet. It's so funny. I have been getting a few text messages of friends with my dad, which is. Speaking of your dad and your book, this is something we were chatting before, like right as the book was about to be published, kind of as you were turning in the final drafts. And this book of essays is about, you know, it's about you wanting to do 30 different things before you turn 30. But kind of the sub theme, you know, as you can see in the kind of the header is fucking up in your 20s. Yeah.

So there is embarrassing shit in this. Yeah. So there is embarrassing shit in this. Yeah. And you were telling me something specific about having your dad read the, like, advanced copy. Yeah, I got the advanced reader copy, which still has some errors and is not properly formatted. And I finally, I couldn't wait to have my dad read it. So I gave it to him. And, you know, my mom actually read it in a night before my dad did. And, you know, my mom actually read it in a night before my dad did.

And I had this story in there because I wanted it to – I had a lot of shame about my early sexual experiences because, you know, it's just like embarrassing when you don't do things correctly. And I have a story about how my – I know what you mean. All of my red hair. So I know that feeling of shame around your – I've also, you know, wrote these stories before the advanced copy came out. I wrote them like two years ago and I've read them probably 20, 25 times. So I kind of I know every word in there, but I forgot the impact of those words. So my one of my first sexual experiences, and this is very crazy if you know me now, was one of the first things I did was I 69.

Oh, yeah. Talk about walking before you run running before you walk yeah i fucked that up yeah i it took me a long time to figure out like a good analogy for it yeah and people think i peaked too soon my god yeah well it's like i didn't lose my virginity until i was almost 20 like the first the only thing same yeah i was over i – I think I was 20. Yeah. And still, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was like – yeah, I like 69 at 16. I got you, loser's beat.

19, baby. 19. I was a pretty cool dude. Yeah. But so I – and it was like that part of the essay, I always – I have like this line that says like 69ing is like the most advanced sexual thing you can do with someone. It's kind of – and it's like kind of weird. It's like trying to feed each other cake. Like how are you supposed to cake in someone's face when they're trying to cake in yours?

Like it's just some weird like funny line that everyone always loved. And so my mom read it and my parents are Russian. And so this will explain my accent. But my mom read it first and she – the advanced reader copy is done. You can't make any changes on it. And she like comes into my room because I was staying with them at the time. She goes, Marina, please take out 6-9 stuff. Like that was her first comment about the book.

And I had like a little bit of a panic attack because I was like, oh, my God, my aunts and uncles, like my family's pretty conservative. They hate 6ix9ine stuff. They hate 6ix9ine stuff. And then my – yeah, my – then my family was like prepping my dad for that chapter. And they're like, you're going to read some stuff you're not going to like. It's going to be hard. And so my dad read the book and he loved it. But he's like, you know, bad stuff first. And he's like, he said, I won't ever forget. He goes,

Marina, look, I'm I'm man. I look at pictures sometimes. And I was like, oh, my God, we're all men. Men look at pictures. Oh, my gosh. We're all men. Men look at pictures. And, hey, I think, you know, I think, you know, in this room, we can acknowledge in this day and age, sometimes women look at pictures. Sometimes women can look at pictures. Look, if I have some wine, yeah, I'll look at some pictures.

And he was just like. We're humans. We're visual creatures. We want to look at pictures. And so basically he was just like... We're humans. We're visual creatures. We want to look at pictures. And so basically he was like... Sometimes watercolors. I don't mean to do your dad. You can do your dad. I go to a museum.

A museum is nice. That's like essentially what he said. He goes, Marina, some pictures tasteful and some not. And he's like... Sometimes beautiful fresca. And so he's like... Did you say fres And he's like. Sometimes beautiful fresca. And so he's like. Did you say fresca or fresco? I said fresca.

That's the drink. Okay. I fucked that up. I honestly thought you meant fresca. I saw a painting of a fresca. It's like an Andy Warhol thing. Oh, yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah. Sometimes filthy Georgia O'Keeffe. Sorry. I'll stop my bad Russian accent there. Yeah. And he was just like, Marina, I don't like 59 stuff. Whoa. Classic dad mistake. Wow.

Yeah, downgraded. Yeah. Yeah. To 59. That's very, now 59 seems more advanced if I'm thinking about the numbers. Yeah, I mean, I've heard like some other numbers, and I don't know if this is just like stuff that me and my friends made up, but like 67. What's that?

Wait, I love this. I have not. It's, oh God, I feel gross now. Like isn't 67 where like one person's using their mouth and another person's using their hand? Did we make this up in college? I mean, that tracks. I feel like you need to draw that. That makes sense to me.

Yeah, I feel like that like, you know, and it's not like a fun number, but it's like probably a little bit more practical. Well, yeah. I mean, especially if there's height differences, I'll say. Yeah. I mean, it seems like to comfortably 69, the height has to be really, really perfect. Otherwise, someone is scrunching in a weird way or extending in a way that might pull a muscle. I mean, not to be – it's so crazy because I only – basically that's one of the only sexual things in my book because I thought it was so funny and strange that that's the first thing I tried and then just didn't talk to boys for another four years. Sometimes that happens.

Yeah, a lot of friends of mine, they're like, oh, yeah, I had this one experience experience then nothing yeah four years especially it was like such an like acrobatic experience i was like it's not i went to one orgy and then all youth groups and just after that first orgy i just went to jars of clay concerts and that's it yeah um uh yeah but the in all but they came to the breeding your dad seemed like he was having fun so Yeah. So they're not – they have not disowned you. Yeah. Well, actually his business partner was talking to him about the book and his business partner, my dad, said like he loved it. He thought it was beautiful. He couldn't be more proud.

And then he's like, you know, there are some things in there that I didn't – do you like how my accent for him changes depending on how he's like more modest? But he was saying there's some things in there that you know were a little bit bit too much information and his business partner was like well sex sells and my dad now is just like sex sells my business friend told me that what you're doing is okay yeah i kept the sex stuff in my book mostly to one like one segment and uh and this title of that segment was something – I was talking about how being a child actor made me kind of a late bloomer when it came to showing any kind of sexuality at all.

And so I called it – and I'm using this word in an academic sense. Please, yeah. Keep things academic on the show. Well, it's the Matilda whore complex. Oh, my God. And because a lot of people still saw me as a kid. Well, it's the Matilda whore complex. Oh, my God. Because a lot of people still saw me as a kid. And so I felt like I had to be, you know, I had to be this like buttoned up good girl and all of the time. And, you know, which is a messed up thing to think.

But when it came time – like when we got my book, I was actually signing my book for my dad at my reading and I was like, dad, there's one segment that you should probably not read. Before I hand this book back, I'm just going to rip out a chapter. And he puts it in her mouth. Yeah. And he was like – I just eat parts of the book sometimes. And he was like – that's funny because I actually do have a story about eating part of a t-shirt to get out of trouble with my parents. And that is a story that I ended up cutting out of the book just for length purposes and stuff. Let's hear that after you finish the Matilda Horcowplex thing.

But I told my – it's also kind of tangentially related to sex. But, yeah, I was like, Dad, there's one essay in here that I don't think that you should read. And he said, yeah, I think I know which one it is. And I'm just going to skip over it. And we never talked about it. Oh, good. Yeah. Was that the title of the essay?

Yeah, it was. I think he kind of know it's coming. Maybe I should. Yeah, he saw that and was just like, all right, I'm just going to go ahead and skip over that. This next one's called Summer Fun. I like this. Yeah, exactly. Dad approved.

What's the t-shirt thing? Oh, God. Okay. So I was really, really, I was like a really innocent teenager and my parents were really strict. My dad married my stepmother when I was 13 and we moved. Oh, I was going to ask, do you think the, I know you kind of alluded to this before, like, do you think that the kind of late blooming as far as that stuff goes, it had something to do with being a child actor? Yeah, I definitely think so because I feel like I definitely had to – I definitely had to watch myself and I definitely had to – people were a lot more judgmental back then. Sure, yeah. And there wasn't very much room to do it.

I also saw a lot of girls who kind of felt like to be grown up was to be sexual, but it never felt like – it didn't – in those days at least, it didn't really feel like they were owning it and being honest and expressive about it. It felt kind of exploitative to me. So I was worried about that. But also I was just kind of a loser in high school. I mean I didn't really do very much and I also had incredibly strict parents and they were also very conservative, especially my stepmother. And my stepmother was very strict with me because I – she didn't know how to, I guess, deal with a kid who talked back as much as I did. And we were – I was always afraid of getting in trouble with them. And I think that that's the thing when your parents get remarried is you never know – like you know how far like one parent will go but you don't know how far a step-parent will go. So one of my brothers was like volunteering with like a sex ed outreach organization kind of thing and I'm not going to name which one but I don't know if people would know that anyway. But I got a T-shirt from like the AIDS walk.

And my parents were very much – like my stepmother especially was like super Catholic, anti-abortion, you know, like be a good girl, you know. You're kind of pounding this into my head. And my parents found the shirt. And my brother was like – oh, my brother covered for me and was like I left it there. But I was so terrified. So terrified because I had no idea what they were going to do and how they were going to – if they were going to – it said something like safe is sexy on it. And so I was so scared and I was such a neurotic teenager that I set out to destroy this shirt one night and I cut the shirt into pieces and started like putting Sharpie and nail polish over it. Wow.

But it wouldn't stick to it and I started flushing nail polish over it. Wow. But it wouldn't stick to it. And I started flushing pieces down the toilet. But then I was like, oh, shit. But that filthy slogan was still there. Safe and sexy. And so I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. And I mean, like my parents were the kind who got, they got mad.

I remember my dad got mad when I was listening to like musicals that he didn't agree with. He was a lot more conservative in those days. What musicals did he not agree with um probably that filthy rent i remember it was a little controversial in my house yeah i rent uh uh steven sonnstein's assassins he thought that was like inciting violence right and i had to be like no dad it's it's historical fiction it won a tony he's like all kinds of crazy left-wing shit wins tony's and and uh we had to you know we had to i'm sick of them lionizing charles gateau yes exactly exactly and uh he was really mad is that the he shot yeah he anyway yeah my sister was singing the ballad charles gateau in the car and my stepmother was like what are you singing yeah and i got in trouble for in trouble for introducing my sister to that.

So I was – so I ended up actually – I was panicking and I ended up swallowing parts of the T-shirt. Was it the nail polish and Sharpie parts? There was some nail polish and Sharpie. You catch a little buzz from that though, you know, a little fun side effect. And yeah, and I – at first I was like, yes, you know, I am successful. And then I like went to bed and woke up half an hour later with like the worst pain in my abdomen I'd ever felt. Fortunately, I did not have to go to the hospital. I just kind of stuck it out.

If you have even a little bit of Catholic slash Christian slash religious guilt and abdomen. And abdomen pain for doing something wrong is probably terrifying. I mean, my mother was Jewish. So like, yeah. So Jewish. I have Jewish guilt and I have Catholic guilt here. My mother was Jewish. My stepmother was Catholic. So you can imagine I'm just a goddamn neurotic guilty mess.

Sure. So but I feel almost like I punished myself harder than they would have. Yeah. Because they would not have made me. They wouldn't have. Made you eat a shirt. Exactly. They wouldn't have, you know, made me. Like we saw a very interesting Werner Herzog movie. Exactly.

They wouldn't have given me intestinal pain. Errol Morris? I'm fucking up a lot on this show. Who ate their shoe? Werner Herzog. Yeah. And Errol Morris directed it. Anyway, I don't know either.

Anyway, don't correct me. Internet. We got a Twitter account for that, at Gas Station TV. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, boy, I wonder, do you think in super conservative households now, like, kids are getting in trouble for Hamilton? Do you think they're still not in my house? Hamilton?

I was going to say, do they break the CDs? I think Hamilton is, like, too educational. Hamilton. I was going to say, do they break the CDs? I think Hamilton is like too educational. Yeah, I was going to say. I mean, I imagine like racists probably don't like it. Yeah, maybe some racists. You know, why is George Washington black? But yeah. Not my George Washington.

Yeah. Reena, did you have bands in your house growing up? No, I was just thinking like I'm not a musical person. I'm always very fascinated by it's just this genre of art that I know nothing about. And I think it's partially because, you know, where did you get your love of musicals from just... From my mom. My mom was... And I mean, I grew up in Burbank. So it's not like I was in, you know, the most musical theater, like, savvy place in the world. But my mom had grown up loving musicals. She'd grown up in Chicago and Minneapolis, which are maybe a little bit more theater oriented. And she'd gone to school. I didn't want to disprove my own theory, but I feel like you get your love of musicals from usually parents. And, you know, my parents are Russian, so they don't listen to any of that.

Although we did. We're a big Jesus Christ superstar family. Okay. Sure. It's very strange. Like, I recently realized watching last season of Transparent that I hadn't thought about that for so long. And I knew every word to all of it. And I remember watching it as a kid, which is very strange for a, you know, a family that's not religious and not into musicals is something that we watch together

every Saturday morning. But my parents, they were super, super strict, but it was only about grades. And they, I mean, I definitely put way more pressure on myself. But my – it's interesting. My parents – like my mom is very – she's not very sentimental and she – I used to leave my diary out and I would tape a piece of hair across the pages to see if she had opened it and read it. Oh, ruthless. And she never did. It was so disappointing. Or she replaced the hair. Oh, ruthless. And she never did. It was so disappointing. Or she replaced the hair.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe she's like some kind of, you know, maniacal mastermind. But yeah, my parents like... You are paid from the Americans. Yeah, yeah. The child worships us. I haven't watched it yet, but everyone says that I need to watch it. Yeah, I love it.

My parents are very good. I got my musical thing kind of as I was getting into high school because I was so interested in drama club. And I think I like saw them, you know, the drama kids. I'm like, oh, these are my people. And I think I tried to cram musicals because we didn't really see a lot of them growing up. Yeah, I think we had an old cast recording of hair that was laying around that maybe. cast recording of hair that was laying around that maybe uh but yeah but i think i probably in all in all honesty probably i really had to like force myself to like them because i was just interested in green day at that point yeah and to a lesser extent rancid uh but yeah so i think i

like got the rent cd and just i remember listening to it. I'm like, I will like this. I'm going to like it. And I'm like, OK, I think I like it now. You know, and it was this it was this thing about I need to these I need to have these people's approval. Yeah. Anyway, but it is strange to like be fighting for the approval of essentially the biggest dorks in high school. I know. Well, hearing that when you were saying your parents were, you know, against certain musicals, I was just like, for me, when I think of kids who listen to musicals, they have like a little cup of coffee in a newspaper and they're like, I'm so smart and sophisticated. If I can't do everything perfectly, I just won't do them at all.

Oops, I'm getting all Cs. You know, I was one of those kids where I was just like. But I have my own attache case. Exactly. No, I was a roller backpack kid. Nice. Oh, okay. Did you have back problems?

No, I just had like, I just had people be very concerned about me. And I actually did get back problems eventually from wearing like a shoulder bag. Those are awful. Those are really, really awful. But I had a roller backpack and in middle school kids used to kick it all the time. I was going to ask because we had a few kids with roller backpacks and kids would kick theirs, you know, flip them over. Oh, yeah. Did this have a theme?

All the time. The roller backpack space dinosaurs? A theme? Okay, I wasn't that big of a door. Whoa. It was middle school. Sorry, I crossed a line. It was middle school.

I found the line suggesting you had a dinosaur roller bag. I once had a bottle of, like, Bath and Body Works lotion in there because, well, because, because, and this isn't as funny, I had obsessive compulsive disorder and I was always washing my hands. So my hands were always dry. I was, again, a neurotic kid. But I had a bottle of lotion in there that I would, like, keep with me and take it to school. And one day one of, like, the cool popular girls kicked my backpack. And I went to health class and we were trying to – and I remember that was like the day that we talked about puberty and sex and everybody was all excited.

And I like went to get my binder and it came out covered in freesia scented lotion. Oh, sure. Yeah, it just covered everything. And fortunately my teacher allowed us to spend the rest of the class cleaning it. So yeah, still managed to learn about sex. Yeah. But also – yeah, but yeah, it smelled like free chef for the rest of the year. It's interesting.

I wanted to mention this. You mentioned growing up in Burbank. Yes. On your terrific email newsletter, Shantwe Tell the Vicar, there is a wonderful, full-throated endorsement of Burbank. Yes. That brought tears to my eyes. I have never lived in Burbank, but I have really grown to love it. I wanted to maybe just hear.

Can you can you encapsulate your pro Burbank argument? And also maybe I want to hear a little bit about kind of what is going on on Magnolia, which is kind of interesting. Right. So there is currently a campaign going on called Save Magnolia Park. Right. So there is currently a campaign going on called Save Magnolia Park. And if you have not been to Magnolia Park, it is like something out of a John Waters movie. Yes, right. And one of the charming ones, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like a scene out of – A crybaby. Like I remember like the – and in the movie musical, I remember like Good Morning Baltimore looks like it takes place on Magnolia Boulevard. It's all this like weird googie architecture, you know, from the 50s and 60s. It is like a set of America. It really is. Kind of in that way that like L.A. stuff can be like this kind of cool, weird facsimile of a thing. There are still like VCR and DVD repair services there. There are.

There's more than one model train place. There are more than one. And I always drive by. I'm like, I just passed two model train places that are still open in 2018. I love this place. I recently was in the area and I looked up a vintage undergarments and there were like eight stores that popped up because I had a dress that needed like a special undergarment and they were like, oh, pick your poison. It's it's so that has been I mean, a lot of these places have been have been are like

Burbank institutions. And I grew up in that neighborhood and the neighborhood's gotten cooler because for a while it was kind of like speaking of musicals, it was kind of like River City, Iowa. Yeah. From the music man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. He just kind of dumped in the middle of LA. People were very suspicious of the pool hall.

Yes, which is why my parents – It begins with P and that rhymes with – P and that stands for poor? No, sorry. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But my parents really loved it there I think because it felt safe and kind of quaint and – Right. But it is weird how the film industry kind of bleeds into it, which is why you have stores like It's a Wrap, which is just clothes from movies.

It's just wardrobe. Yeah. They will not give you a Caesar salad and a tortilla. No, they will not. They will not. It's all clothes from – so my dad would like go there and try on a shirt that Christian Slater had worn. And one of my dad's favorite gags was – Your dad only dresses in Christian Slater's old clothes.

Yeah, no, he did. Like he could go there and try on clothes that various actors had. And one of his favorite ones was there was a shirt that needed to be ripped for a scene. So they made it Velcro. So dad would come home and from work after wearing this shirt all day and he'd go, I hate this shirt and pretend to rip it. That's a great dad. Oh, yeah. Great dad running joke.

Exactly. We loved that. It's like pretending there's stairs behind the couch. Yeah, exactly. We've seen it. We know. Dad culture is one of my favorite things. Dad culture is so great.

My dad is very much a dad in that way. But yeah, there's all these amazing stores. There's like a bunch of different vintage stores. It's a great place to be goth or rockabilly, Burbank is. Yeah, sure. And the thing is that Burbank, it could just be like another like muted, boring suburb like Glendale. Glendale is not that bad.

I actually like Glendale. Ooh, shots fired at Glendale. I like Glendale, but Glendale wants to think it's as cool as Burbank and it's not. Sure. The poor man's Burbank. Yes, yes. It doesn't have the soul that Burbank does. Right, yes.

You know, it has the beige stucco, but it doesn't have the soul. Right. It has good, you know, it has some good bakeries and shopping and stuff, but, you know, it's not quite the same. But, yeah, I – but Magnolia Park has actually been – and that is the block that I grew up on. Well, not literally on Magnolia but near Magnolia. And it's been undergoing this transformation because people have – the renters, the landlords have been like doubling and tripling prices there.

So it's become more cool now. There's like these food trucks that are there on Friday nights. Yeah, yeah. There's all these kinds of sponsored things. But people have been like, oh, OK. It's cooler now. It's OK if we double and these kinds of sponsored things. But people have been like, oh, OK, it's cooler now. It's OK if we double and triple the rent. Sure.

But it's not. And so now – When the food trucks come in, that's when the Halloween stores leave. Yeah, exactly. We have, I think, three or four year-round Halloween stores in Burbank. There's so many Halloweens. It's great. People – yeah. It rules.

And people will be quick to tell you. My sister and I were there yesterday, and we walked there, and we noticed just more and more blue-haired teenagers hanging out around there. It's great. But yeah, but because of that, so many beloved places like Pinup Girl Boutique and Creature Features and all of these places are closing or are being threatened. And a lot of these are all small businesses, and a lot of these are, these are all small businesses. And a lot of these are like women-owned, they're family-owned, they're in these small places. They're sort of these great places to let your freak flag fly.

And they're closing down. So there's this big campaign to save Magnolia Park. And there's a bunch of different ways that people are thinking of helping out, whether we, you know, we do like a co-op kind of thing, whether we make it a historical district, whether we raise the money co-op kind of thing, whether we make it a historical

district, whether we raise the money so that the people can buy the stores. There's a bunch of different ideas that are going around right now, but we're also just trying to spread the word. So I wrote something last week or a couple weeks ago about how much that area means to me and about all my memories there and why I love it so. It's really nice. And I think that even if you're not an Angeleno, if you read this thing, you'll kind of be reminded of like the weird neighborhood where you grew up. Yeah.

I think, you know, we've all got it. Yeah. The first time I was there was a few months ago. I did a podcast in a really cool studio. I think it was, Dan, am I allowed to mention other like podcasts on here? No, I swear to God. If you mention Earwolf, yeah, sure.

This is at Starburns Audio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Starburns Audio. Yeah, and then... If you mention Gimlet, you are fucking out. And then like, and then a few weeks later

I did the audio book and it was in the Audible studios which were also on Magnolia. And so I thought, I was telling my fiance, I was like, I think it's a mecca for like, you know, recording your voice. Yeah. Actually, I do a voice on Big Hero 6 for Disney and we record in that same studio in Magnolia. And it's so weird to go back and be like, oh, and then, you know, and I am blocks away from my elementary school. I'm going to work blocks away from where I went to elementary school.

It feels like a very cool creative space. I don't know, where prop masters go to start the business they always wanted to. Exactly. And this is an interesting thing I remember from the weird neighborhood where I grew up. It has not cool comic book stores. At some point, and I think this is the best for the medium, the comic book stores got cool.

They were run by cool people. They were well-lit, friendly places that everyone could go. There's comedy shows in the back and we have this and we have art galleries. But when I was a kid they were dank places filled with cardboard boxes where someone was mean to you yeah if you came and

they wanted you to leave where'd you grow up uh orange county oh okay so yeah and comics quest comics i think it's still there it was in this just kind of weird strip mall uh you know buy a yogurt place that was constantly closing down yeah and. And, yeah, and, you know, it was just a dank place. There was some guys playing D&D in the back. And I know that the well-lit, friendly, welcoming comic store is probably better for culture and, you know, for people other than straight white guys who might like to buy comics. But I definitely – there are still a few of those in Burbank. And I go in and go, yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I know one of these. And then the guy behind the counter is like, you buying something? Leave. Filthy casual. Stop breathing. So I would like to take a little bit of a break.

Great. We have a beloved slash horrible segment coming up that you guys are coming into during your first time on the show. And I'm sorry. It is a bad segment. And I'm sorry we have to keep doing it. But we do. So we're going to take a little bit of a break. We're going to get some water.

We're going to get some spit cups. And we're going to test summertime malt beverages. Again, I apologize. And to the summertime malt beverages. Again, I apologize. And to the listeners who like this segment, fuck you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective here with Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Hey, guys. Sorry, you were about to introduce yourself.

Oh, I was going to. You know, well, it's all right. Brian Fernandez, Sonny D. Yeah, since Jesse is absent this week, I am here with Brian, our beloved producer, to read a couple of ads. We have some awesome sponsors on today's show. Of course, every week the show is brought to you by people who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. But there's a couple of cool folks who also support the show and we'll tell you about

them now. Sound of Vinyl. Brian, have you, I mean, obviously you've heard about it because we've read ads on the show. But have you checked this site out? It is really cool. I haven't yet, but it's really exciting because I like the idea that they text you suggestions. Yeah.

So it is a vinyl record shopping place. And, you know, you go on there and you can kind of browse genres. They have kind of celebrity curators who will put together lists for you. People like Henry Rollins get on there and suggest some of their favorite vinyl. But also, they have a text messaging feature. So here's what they do. They text you an album recommendation if you want

it. You reply yes, and they ship it right to your door. You can even text with a real-life human to help you find the records you want. Yeah, it's really neat. They kind of send you some new music, and they get a sense of your taste. And, yeah, if you're a vinyl collector, this is a great spot. Yeah, I feel like it's like that friend who we had in high school or college that would turn you on to new music.

But now that I'm a little bit older and I don't have that friend anymore, I feel like this is sort of a stand-in for that. Like, oh, my friend's texting me some suggestions for music that I'm, you know, a little bit older and I don't have that friend anymore, I feel like this is sort of a stand-in for that. Like, oh, my friend's texting me some suggestions for music that I would like. Yeah, yeah. They have limited edition color vinyl from R.E.M., The Beach Boys, John Coltrane, Marvin Gaye, and more. And it's free to sign up. No subscription fees and no commitments. Here's what you do.

If you want a little discount, you go to soundofvinyl.com slash JJGO and you get $5 off your first record. Oh, I think I'm going to do that. A lot of times I'll go and use the promo code for different sponsors and I'm almost always really happy. Yeah, it's great stuff. And I actually just, I'm leaning into being a man in my late 30s and I started my vinyl collection. It just happened this year. And yeah, I've definitely been using Sound of Vinyl a lot. They've got great stuff. That's awesome. Before we get to our next sponsor, Brian, I think people, when you're on the show, people want to hear about your dog a little bit.

Yeah. How is Alice liking the heat? Well, she hates the heat. She does not. We have to do a walk. Well, so a couple weeks ago, ago we went to the vet and the vet was like uh your dog's overweight oh no and we found out we've been feeding her too much like so she's so she's got to work off that weight so we're trying to do longer walks but then it heated

up so now we got to do them early morning or like after the sun sets because if we take her out mid day she'll just flop on the ground and not go. That sounds pretty cute. She's an Australian Shepherd. Oh, it's a cute flop. Sure. I bet it's a cute flop. Yeah.

Yeah. So she's a breed that has a lot of energy, but not when it's hot. Oh, boy. But she just turned one. Happy birthday, Alice. Oh, happy birthday. Yeah, we took her to the beach and got her a bone cake. A boat?

Is it shaped like a boat? Yeah. It was a dog food shaped like a bone, I guess. Like dog-friendly cake. Dog-friendly cake. Do you know what it was made out of? No, we just ordered it. It's one of those things that they just sat on Amazon, ordered the dog.

It was a whole kit. She had a little bandana. Oh, just like a dog birthday kit? Basically, yeah. Hey, dog birthday kit. Sponsor the show, by the way. Yeah, come on a little, yeah. Oh, just like a dog birthday kit? Basically, yeah. Hey, dog birthday kit. Sponsor this show, by the way. Yeah, come on. Yeah, exactly.

Hey, I think the Jordan and Jessica audience would love it. Yeah. Hey, we got a Jumbotron for you guys. It's our friends at VG Kids. They have been longtime fans and supporters of our show. We love them. VG Kids is a full-service screen printing company specializing in high-quality silk screen rock posters, movie posters, and art prints.

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t-shirt printing for MaxFun since as long as I've been working here. It was like 2009 when I was an intern in Jesse's apartment. Like we were going through VG Kids and they're just the best. Yeah, they're awesome. I'm sure if you're listening out there, you've got a little bit of MaxFun merchandise. Chances are the folks at VG Kids helped that get made. They're awesome. Really, really cool stuff.

And they're fans of the show. They got fast turnaround on custom apparel, eco-friendly options, specialty inks. These guys are who you turn to for your printing needs. And if you want 10% off, just tell them JJ Go sent you. If you're a JJ Go listener, you get a discount on the shirt or tote order. If you mention our show to them at vgkids.com

Yeah, and just let the customer service team know you heard about it on this show and you get that 10% off. One more time, vgkids.com That's cool. It's like a small town. Tell them I sent you over there. Yeah, tell them your friendly neighborhood podcaster sent you.

We don't need promo codes. We just rely on word of mouth. Right. Yes, exactly. Yeah. The informal promo code is thrown out the window in favor of just simply telling them. Well, thanks to them. Thanks to the Sound of Vinyl. And we will be right back with more Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, I introduce myself. Yeah, love you, love you. Okay. Mine. I'm Mara Wilson. I'm the world's greatest aunt. Fuck. Those are both really good. Is that okay?

Those are both great. Well done. I am a good aunt. Yeah. Well done. Aunt, aunt, aunt. Can I? Are you an actual aunt?

I am, yeah. Cool. How's that going? It's great. It's great. Do you want to shout out the nieces and nephews? I'm not going to mention their names. Sure.

Yeah. But I love you all very much. And let's watch My Neighbor Totoro sometime soon. How many do you have? Three. Three. And they're great. Yeah.

So what we are about to do is something that we do on this program when Jesse is not here. Jesse, for you guys' benefit, my co-host, is not a drinker. So, you know, when he's gone, we like to loosen things up in here a little bit. Dad's gone, so we're throwing a little party um but a strange running thing on this show that i i will try to explain is that people really want to get my take on malt beverages the kind of heavily flavored summertime party maybe these are the things you drink when you're 19 and you've never had a beer but you still want to get drunk. Yeah, so these types of things.

Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi O, things that are bad colors in horrible bottles. This kind of started when I was very adamant about Bud Light Lime. I love Bud Light Lime. I think it's a terrific product. It's a great, easy-drinking summertime beer that is a nice antidote to kind of heavy, hoppy IPA types of things that are so in vogue these days that are, frankly, terrible in a barbecue situation, I think. And I think if you are, you know, for hot time, summer hangs, Bud Light Live. Hot time, summer hangs. You know a hot time summer hang.

You love a hot time summer hang. Listen, we all love a hot time summer hang. That was their ad campaign, I think. I was going to say, I feel like I auditioned for this VO commercial. Hot time, summer hang. Fuck, that's good. That is really good. Mara, you got the job.

You got the job. Thank you. This has been a stealth audition the whole time. Please tell some voiceover people that so I can finally get bumped up to be on SAG's insurance. That's the dream, huh? Not to produce your show. Sorry, Brian. Can we get a clean one?

Oh, yeah. So what is the copy again? Let's say Bud Light Lime, perfect for your hot time summer hang. Bud Light Lime, perfect for your hot time summer hang. Bud Light Lime, perfect for your hot time summer hang. And let's just get a fun one. Bud Light Lime, perfect for your hot – what is that? Hot summer? Hot time summer hang?

Hot time summer hang. Hot time summer hang. Hot time summer hang. Bud Light Lime, perfect for your hot time summer hang. Okay. We'll use the first one. So I love Bud Light Lime. And when Bud Light introduced the Limeritas, people began, you know, tweeting me pictures of them with Limeritas, wanting to know about what I thought of the new flavors.

Bud Light Lime is great. Bud Light Limeritas are awful. But Bud Light Lime is great. Bud Light Limeritas are awful. My stance on them is they are the taste of the loud public fight you had with the worst person you ever dated. They are the taste of that. I hate them. But for some reason, that won't get into people's heads.

I think it's trolling at this point. People want to know what I think of various products in this zone. And, you know, I realize I'm displaying a little straight white male privilege here with that's the worst trolling I get is people wanting me to taste Bud Light Live. I'll take it. Honestly, as far as internet trolling goes, it's pretty mild. I'm thankful I don't have to deal with the other things. But it is something that happens. And so as it's just kind of a public service and it's to kind of get it all out for the year, I like to have some guests taste test some new products in this zone just so people don't ask me what I think of them later. You have this definitive document with what I think and also what my guests think. So just before we start taste testing, we have three items here that I got from my local Target. What is your guys' experience with this kind of product?

Is this something you guys kind of drank in the early days of drinking? Yeah. I really don't know. It's not at all. I don't like sugary drinks. My favorite drink is a vodka martini. Sure. I will say I was thinking about high school.

Can I tell a quick first time drinking story? I would like it if you did. Okay, so this reminded me of I didn't make the National Honor Society. Sorry to hear that. And I was very, very devastated and I had a bunch of friends coming over to watch

Empire Records, which is my favorite movie. When you're down. I actually, no, I watched that after my first serious breakup. Really? Yeah, I did. It is such a great movie because it's just like about love and music and, you know, raising money. We watched that and Ghostbusters.

Yeah. Have you guys watched it recently? Does it hold up? Empire Records? I was actually just thinking about it today. And it is kind of creepy that Mark kisses the ballerina's foot. But. Oh, yeah.

That is weird. I think I watched it in the last five years and it did hold up. Yeah. Enough. It's very 90s, though. Like, I know so many people. Maybe not. OK.

Maybe not in, like, the past two years when suddenly, like, people. I know a bunch of communists now. But, like, I would say that, like, that, like, like, you know, two years ago, my friends were like, man, I can't wait to sell out. It would be nice. I would love to have. Yeah. It would be nice to be able to, you know, afford things. And now now there's much more like radical stuff going on.

But but it is very 90s of the like, you know, hey, gang, right. We're punk rock. We're doing it for the record. Sure. Sure. Sure. Like deals with suicide right away. Look, we're doing it for the record.

Sure, sure, sure. And it like deals with suicide right away. And it has like – I will say the Rex Manning moment between Liv Tyler and him where she wants to seduce him. And the first thing he does is unzips his pants and then shakes up some ranch. Like I didn't understand that throughout high school and beyond. And I still don't really understand the ranch. I think he says something to reference it. But I do like that she – I don't remember the ranch.

I don't either. I just remember that guar is in the movie. Oh, yeah. And then a guy glues change to the floor and guar is in the movie. I don't feel I need to explain my art to you. Ah, there you go. That's a great line. Yeah, that was the first penis you saw?

Yeah, it was the guar penis, and I was like, I will have none of this. Sure, yeah. And you've been dating monsters from Antarctica ever since. I think that's Gwar's backstory. Is it? Something like that. Yeah. And then there's my favorite line is like the beginning of the movie where Lucas is like, I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do. It's a great movie. And so I had a bunch of friends over to watch it. And I decided

that this, you know, I didn't make the National Honor Society, so I'm going to start drinking. I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry. Yeah, it was very hard. It ruined my career as a high schooler. And so my parents had a full bar because we're Russian, a lot of different type of vodka, and I didn't know the difference of any of it. So I just grabbed the first bottle, opened it, poured it into a lemonade for myself and drank lemonade and vodka for the whole movie by myself with a large group of friends over who like didn't drink. And the movie ends and we're all talking and my friends are like, you are so drunk. How did this happen? Because it was just a pizza party with like nice kids

who didn't drink. So they like me, and I burst into tears immediately. It was like, I didn't make the National Honor Society, so I'm going to drink now, and I'm a bad kid. And I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. My first drink, vodka and Tang. Oh. We did it right out of the can. We passed around the can that Tang comes in, like the Costco-sized. We poured the vodka in there and mixed it up and just passed it around like some fucking scumbags just like that sounds awful I had a lot of

yeah I had actually my friend is in town tonight and she was she was supposed to come in and listen to this and you know would have shared embarrassing stories about me but as I've said I can embarrass myself on my own but yeah she was the first person that I got drunk with and I think she was she got me drunk for the first time and I think second and third. And she was like – like she's really smart and trustworthy. So my parents always really trusted her, but they didn't know how often we got drunk. Really? Yeah.

And I remember there was a lot of like fruit punch and such. And I do remember like a lot of malt liquor in college. But probably the most disgusting thing was I remember my college boyfriend being like, we need to move beyond, you know, Mike's hard lemonade and those things. We need to be sophisticated. Right. Yes. And he was totally like a – like would have carried a briefcase to school kid too. Not like a Republican but, you know, very like – we were the kind who would like, you know, make out to Paul Simon songs. So like we were talking, I remember, and he was like, I think I know something that would be good for you.

And he gave me a Jameson and cranberry juice. Okay. Those don't typically go. They don't. They don't. But I thought it was really good because it just tasted like a cranberry juice with slightly different undertones. And then after we broke up, I tried to order it at a bar. And the bartender, you know.

Looked at you like Jameson and cranberries. Yeah. Who was this like, you know, like East Village hipster bartender, you know, with his beard and everything was like, excuse me. I will not put those two things together. I had personally insulted him. Right, right. So, yeah. So actually let's grab our first can down here.

Let's grab this. This is the Henry's Hard Sparkling Water. Let's see. So, let's see. So, 88 calories with this, no sugar. So, I think what this is trying to do is this is trying to be like the – this is trying to be the, like, spiked LaCroix. This is, I think, capitalizing off the sparkling water trend and for drunks, for people who have a nice LaCroix and wonder why it's not getting them fucked up. OK.

I have a lot of friends who have like recently become sober. Like I feel like a lot of my friends are like, oh, yeah, you know, you hit 30 and suddenly all your friends have babies. And that's partially true. But I feel like like 30 percent of my friend group are having babies or thinking about having babies and the rest are getting sober. Right. I totally agree. Yeah, especially if you have a lot of comedian friends. Yeah.

We know. Especially if you are around comedy. Just a little side note. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. But I was going to say they've heard of the idea of sparkling – of like alcoholic sparkling water and it infuriates them. Oh, interesting. And I think rightfully so because this is like, you know, the sparkling water.

I mean I love sparkling water. And seltzer, that's like – that's a thing that you can have when you're sober and you can enjoy it. It has a bite to it. So this is like – it's ruining something. Sure. I mean I think for the sober people I know, the like – the sparkling water with like bitters is like the thing you can order at the bar. It kind of looks like a cocktail. It has some of the qualities of it.

It has a bit of a kick. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, let's taste this Henry's. This is actually – did I say it was passion fruit? It's passion fruit. Okay. So yeah, let's have a little bit of this and then we'll talk about it.

Okay. Oh, no. Oh, now I'm nervous. Oh, you put a sip before me. Okay. So I think what we are going to do, and this is going to sound like a stolen dough boys bit, I realize, but I think let's rank these either summer fun or bummer no fun. So you can rank these. So, boy, yeah, not a great first drink for Henry's.

I'm going to take another little sip. I will point out that these are very cold, and that's, I think, probably helping them. The second sip is better, I will say. Yeah, first sip is not great. This is very medicine-y. I would not have – if you gave this to me, I wouldn't say there was alcohol in it. It doesn't – okay, so the smell is stronger than the taste, and the smell smells almost exactly like the hairspray we used to use when I was in Showwire. Oh, sure. Right.

So like – Before you got out there to sing 76 trombones. Yeah, exactly. Well, Burbank actually has a very hip one. So we would do like up-to-date songs in ours. So yes. But it smells like what we used to spray on our hair to give us huge curls. It has, like, a product taste to it, you know? Yeah.

I feel like this is marketed – this is going to make me sound sexist, but, like, to women, because it says there's no sugar, it's only 88 calories. And the reason I think that is I lived in Taiwan for a year. When I moved there, they have Taiwan beer, which is very like bottom shelf, just their PBR. And they'd come out with a pineapple flavored one for women. And it was like very similar coloring. It was super bright. And it was like, we have pineapple.

Drink the beer. So this feels kind of, you know. Yeah. Should I be angry? That's what I'm asking. Hard to say these days. Am I offended? Yes.

I ask myself that a lot these days. Maybe they're going for the nostalgia factor of like, you know, drink this. It smells like the thing you used to spray on your hair in high school. Right. I mean, maybe that's – I also don't like passion fruit, so. Yeah. I think we're kind of – yeah, we're operating from a bad base here. Yeah.

But I think it really doesn't taste like anything. I think it just smells. Yeah. It just kind of has a general air of unpleasantness, I think. A little cloud. And yeah, it's not a very extreme taste. Yeah. Like maybe over ice. And if you squeeze like a whole lime into one of these, it would be OK. Have you guys tried mixing sparkling, flavored sparkling water with vodka? Yeah, it's great. Yeah. Really? I hate it.

You don't like it? I hate it. Yeah. Oh, interesting. I really enjoy it. I like a little, like, little LaCroix cocktail. I think it's because my brain knows how it should taste, you know? Yeah. Because if you add carbonation to vodka in a spritz of lime, like, that's one taste,

and then it's different if it's Pamplemousse and vodka. I can understand it. It's not something that I have a lot. I don't have mixed drinks a lot, usually. I usually just have wine. But I do think that I – because I'm classy. I pretend to be classy by drinking wine. No, but I – yeah, but I feel like it's almost like I like chocolate and I like strawberries, but I don't like the two of them together.

Sure. Interesting. Yeah. A quick little story about getting these today. So these are all things you can get at your local Target or at least things I got at my local Target. And my local Target is about a mile away from me. It's on La Cienega. So if you're a fan who wants to kill me and wear my skin, that's the Target I'm at occasionally. Wait for me there. Tuesdays and Thursdays. Bring sweet death. Yes. Yeah, exactly. I like to go to Target. Very regimented Target schedule. And I'm like, okay, so it's about a mile away from the house.

I can walk. So I got, like, a backpack. And I'm like, I'm going to load these things up in a backpack. And they were so heavy. And I got, like, I got another case. I just needed a case of sparkling water. So I was, you know, I had, like, four cases of stuff in this backpack. And I was, like, trudging home in the heat with this backpack in flip-flops.

Oh. And it was like the most insane workout I've had recently. And it also gave me an idea for a reboot of Rocky set in Florida. So if anybody wants to get in on my Dirtbag Rocky reboot. He's running in flip-flops. He's toting malt beverages. What's the like Florida version of the Rocky theme? Oh, yeah. Exactly. He's running in flip flops. He's toting malt beverages. What's the Florida version of the Rocky theme? Oh, yeah.

I don't know. With trumpets? It's like a little... I would say it's probably just ba-wa-ta-ba, right? He does all his exercising to ba-wa-ta-ba. And he doesn't punch a side of meat. He just punches people at an Arby's. He just goes to an Arby's and punches people.

Okay. Oh, so let's Arby's and punches people. Okay. Oh, so let's talk about Henry's hard sparkling. Are we giving this a summer fun or a bummer no fun? I'm going to say bummer no fun. Can I say summer bummer like somewhere in the middle? You can. Yeah, you can say summer bummer. Yeah, I was going to say summer bummer also because it's not like actively harmful.

But it's not pleasant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've had much more offensive versions of these for sure. So yeah. So I think our next product is the Spiked Arnold Palmer or Arnold Palmer Spiked I guess it is. This is a half lemonade, half iced tea and some alcohol.

I guess you can't have three halves anyway. So wait, the last one. Yes. Let's see. It had 4.2. Oh, yeah. Let's check the alcohol content. And this one is five.

This is five. OK. The spiked Arnold Palmer will get you a little bit more fucked up. The last one didn't really taste like alcohol. It really didn't. Yeah. Yeah. So this has the man himself. Arnold Palmer is on it. r.i.p i think i don't know um is he dead yeah

i think he's dead um well i'm sure this is a an honor to his legacy the this uh this redneck barbecue drink uh so yeah so let's this is half lemonade, half iced tea with I don't think it's actually vodka. Sorry for the belch into the microphone. My apologies to the ASMR community. So yeah, let's take a sip of this. I think in theory this could be good. I love the idea of an

alcoholic Arnold Palmer, but I don't know. Let's see in execution. Hmm. I don't hate it. It's like a Snapple. It has a Snapple-ish quality to it. It does. It's a pleasant taste, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't hate this. Yeah, you can't really taste the booze. Again, it is just like a Snapple or a Fruitopia. But yeah, any thoughts? I mean, this is changing my mind. I don't know. I always thought these drinks were for kids who don't like hard liquor.

But because a beer is, what, 6% alcohol by volume? It's a pleasant taste. I like it. Yeah. I think over ice, this might be all right. Laura, do you have thoughts? I mean, this is another thing where I like lemonade and I like iced tea, but not together. Like, I can't and I like iced tea but not together. Sure.

Like I can't drink sweetened iced tea. I'm sorry, southern United States, but I just can't do it. Right. But I feel like if I did – There are people in Louisiana hurling their phones out the car window. But I would – I think if I were a fan, then I would love this. I think that this is pretty good. Maybe not – OK.

Maybe not love this, but I would like it. Sure. Yeah. And Arnold Palmer is a handsome man. Is this a drawing on the can? Yeah, I was going to say, in the drawing, he looks like he's to be in his 40s, and it looks like it's from the 60s. Yeah. So maybe he died recently.

I don't think he's still around. No, I don't think he is either. He was a great man. Loved his work. And you know what? He has a great summertime party trick i'm gonna give this what are our what's our ranking against summer fun or bummer summer fun oh summer fun or bummer no fun okay i'm gonna give this a summer fun i'm gonna say summer fun i concur summer fun summer fun okay hey summer fun way

to go way to go marina you were saying that you actually had a Target trip before you came here, right? Oh, I did. I actually, so I was working at UCLA today because I have access there and get a lot of work done. And Mara was really excited to meet you. So I put on a cool hip outfit. Yeah, you do look really cute, by the way. Yeah, I don't usually look so hip.

I'm wearing ripped jeans, which I think is a statement maker. But it's like, hey, I'm casual and I can show my knees when I'm out. Right, right. Meanwhile, I realized while I was swimming in the pool today, I was like, oh, shit, I'm supposed to be there. So my hair – I came here with wet hair. Where do you swim? Just in the backyard. The apartment building has it.

I swim in Burbank at the Verdugo Aquatic Facility. Oh, my God. Yeah. Beautiful aquatic facility. Yeah. They're all the – yeah, all the memories I have there. Oh, nice. They don't have the – they did not have the sweet-ass water slides when I was growing up.

Yeah, sure. How much does it cost? Because I've been looking into public pools because I don't have access to one. And I saw the standard. People are always posting photos. And then I saw it was $45 food and drink minimum. And then there's one in Los Feliz and it was like $6 to get in for the day. Oh, is that the one in Griffith Park? Yeah, it's near there. And the reviews were pretty decent. But then sometimes they're like, a man was masturbating.

Yeah, that's the $6 one. My friend and I went to one in Brooklyn. It's $5. They knock a buck off the charge if someone's been jerking off in the pool recently. Yeah, I remember my friend and I went to one in Brooklyn before I moved, and there was a guy doing, like, really explicit yoga. Sure, sure, sure. Was it in Greenpoint? It was in the area.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. It was that one. And it was a really nice day, but this guy was just, just doing really, really explicit yoga in these tiny, tiny shorts. And that kind of ruined it. But you needed a replacement shirt. So you went to your local Target. So I wore my coolest outfit for you guys.

And then I was eating curry for lunch, as you do. And I spilled it all over my shirt. And I was like, this will not do. And so I thought I would have enough time to go to Target before. And I went to a city Target. Did not know they were different from any other Target. And they had like two types of T-shirts. They had actually a California bear T-shirt that I loved.

And it had a stain on it. Wow. So unpurchased one. And so I did not find a T-shirt and ended up being late. But I did find an I voted sticker in my purse. So I walked in. I panicked that there was an election. Yeah, there's so much. I was I was wondering about that. Yeah. And there is so much like social media pressure around like voting now that I'm like, oh, fuck, did I miss it? Am I a bad? Do I? Should I march? I should. I should probably do some extra marching. And I honestly have this one because I didn't want I was like, I'm a comedian. I need a clever. I voted post, but I also follow all comedians and theirs were so clever.

They put on their dog's noses. I don't have a dog. I wish I did. Sticker on a dog is good. And the pressure of having a cool I voted post kept me from posting anything. And thank goodness because now I have the sticker to cover up my curry stain. Yes. So that's my Target story from today.

So the last one of these that I got at my local Target is something I'm very excited about actually. It is a canned Paloma cocktail from Cutwater Spirits. A Paloma is probably my favorite summertime cocktail. It's tequila and grapefruit juice. You can do some other stuff to it. Sometimes you can salt the rim. Sometimes you can add some twists in there. But essentially, it's tequila and grapefruit,

and it fucking rules. It's my favorite hot weather cocktail. So this is a canned version. I'm not sure. Do we see the alcohol? Oh, 7%. 7%. It is gluten-free. You ordered this perfectly.

Yeah, yeah. So we're going from least boozy to most boozy. And if this works, if there was a good canned Paloma, this could be a game changer for me. But let's see. Let's see if it's actually effective. I don't drink tequila usually. Sorry to... I don't know if there's

actually tequila in this. It might just be – It says that there is. It does, yeah. But it says tequila with carbonated water. Okay. Hey, this is all right. I don't hate this.

Way to go, cut water spirits. Yeah, this is kind of approximates the Paloma. I think I'm alone on this. Judging by the expressions, I think I might be the lone fan of this. What are your guys's thoughts yeah it is somehow both incredibly sweet and incredibly bitter yeah sure sure yeah and incredibly loud and incredibly close um yeah i movie about 9-11 i'm sorry yeah is it with tom hanks i don't know anyway um i hate tequila and does – I think if you like tequila, this would be a fun thing.

Yeah, it's got a little – you can kind of taste it. I do like tequila, but – Oh, you do. But I still can't. It might be the grapefruit. It might be the Jordans, just but – Yeah. Yeah.

In the wrong. You know what? I love a good margarita. I really do. But this – Sure. This is not it. But for some reason, I can't.

Maybe it's the grapefruit, but I don't know. Or the carbonation is probably strange. Yeah. It's kind of – I mean, I love – Are there carbonated tequila drinks? I love grapefruit LaCroix but – Yeah, sure. Yeah, but –

Well, I mean I think I will be going against – I think going against the group and saying Summer Fun for the Paloma cocktail from Cutwater Spirits. Let's make it official. Marina, what's your rating? Summer Fun or Bummer No Fun? Bummer No Fun. Bummer No Fun. Bummer No Fun. Okay.

We've got two B or no funs, one summer fun. So yeah, I think that's it. Actually, this was a very, you know, a very successful round of this. I liked two of them. Oh my God, am I like getting Stockholm Syndrome for these things?

Fuck. Okay, maybe I'm into them now. So yeah, so that's that segment. Please stop bothering me about this online. And we'll be back for more Jordan Chessie Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la You probably know that MaxFun podcasters are funny in the talking way, but did you know they also are funny in the writing way? We are very excited to announce that John Hodgman and Paula Poundstone wrote books that have been named as semifinalists for the 2018 Thurber Prize for American Humor.

John Hodgman, celebrated fake internet court presider, is the host of Judge John Hodgman and was recognized for his book Vacation Land. Paula Poundstone's book is called The Totally Unscientific Study of the Search for Human Happiness. And you can hear her expound on happiness and many other topics on her new podcast, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. The Thurber Prize is one of the highest awards for humor writing in the United States. And we are proud to have both these authors on Maximum Fun every week. Paula Poundstone and John Hodgman, everybody. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy.

And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Me and 3,000 of your closest friends just found your next podcast obsession. Serial. Okay, but like the second best podcast. 99% Serial. Oh, f***. Just listen to My Brother, My Brother and Me

on MaximumFun.org. There you go. Perfect.org. There you go. Perfect. Perfect. Thank you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan Jessigo.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Marina Shiffrin, girl criminal. Yeah, I think that was it. Okay. I'm Mara Wilson, world's greatest aunt. Excellent. So before we go, I just want to give you two a little bit more time to talk about the things you're here to promote. Marina, your book that I think I can remember the name of is called 30 Before 30, How I Made a Mess of My 20s, and You Can Too.

I am so impressed with you. This is available now. And can you tell us maybe one or two of the other things that were on your before 30 list that you wrote about in the book? Yeah. I'm trying to think of the most interesting ones. I should have these remembered by now. But one of them was to return back to Russia where I was born. So I went there for the first time within the last year, which is a very wild time to just visit Russia.

It's never been hotter. Yeah. It's trending every day. It's so topical. My manager was like, thank goodness you're a Russian. But also don't swing one way or the other because you might isolate people. And then another one. Where in Russia?

So my family's from Moscow, which is, you know, the heartland. But it's like really interesting because it's such it's this big country with all these different cultures. But when people think Russian, they think Moscow. So it's like, you know, the stereotypes are – it was interesting to hold the, you know, what Americans think of Russians and then meet Russians. But it's an incredibly warm culture once you break through the icy exterior. But everyone was super interested about the homeless population in the U.S., which was very strange, but I guess makes sense because they're a city

and they got rid of all their homeless people like New York did, you know, like shipped them out. And they were just like, you have homeless people there? Tell us all about them. Did you try and have a dash cam accident while you were there? Like an insurance fraud one where I just flopped onto a car? I didn't, but I should have. Yeah, I could have used the money.

And then another one. Oh, I have Be a Muse, which I wrote when I was very young and it was super embarrassing to me. And so I write about kind of like having a musician boyfriend write me into a song. And what a huge disappointment that was. I did not like the song. Are you the person that song Little Black Backpack is about? Yeah, exactly. I love that song.

I have no opinion about that song. Well, great. And this is available wherever books are sold? Yes. Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, Indie Books, and Amazon. So, Mara, a couple of things I want to ask you about before we go. One is I do love the

subtopic of your blog which is fake BBC shows. Every blog post ends with the title of a fake BBC show? Yes. I think I forgot one recently but a couple months ago I was watching a bunch of BBC shows and I was thinking to myself how they always have titles that have nothing to do with what the show is about. Or they have titles but they're weird rhetorical questions or there's something.

So I wrote – I tweeted this thing saying these are things that I would actually believe were real BBC shows. Right. And it got a lot of traction and it got retweeted by like people who actually work for BBC comedy and people who actually work for the BBC. And Shant-Me-Tell the Vicar was one of the more popular ones. And my publicist, when we started talking to people from Substack about doing a subscription newsletter, she said, you should call it Shant-Me-Tell the Vicar. And I did. And now I close. I close everyone with, you know, things like, what was theirs?

A Farewell to Humberside was today's. I think one of the most recent one I did was Standing in Fields with Noel Fielding. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, things like that. I tried to play myself and it was very, very difficult. Really, the only one I thought I came up with that was even remotely acceptable was Michael Palin Presents A Brief History of Puddings. That was the only one I came up with that I thought was kind of good. They can be very specific like I did one that was Ants of the Commonwealth. Or they can be ridiculous like celebrities shouldn't be running a surgery.

And this is – and tell people how they can get a hold of this thing. So they can go to Mara.substack.com and they can sign up for free to get – I would say probably about a week. You can get something new, a story, an essay, comedy, something sent directly from me. But there is also going to be additional material. If you sign up and you can do a paid subscription, you can get exclusive content, which is often a lot more personal, a lot more experimental, things like that. And that is $5 a month or $50 a year. Excellent. Well, I recommend this wholeheartedly.

I had a lot of fun looking through this thing. Thank you. Lots of laughs, some pathos, a real roller coaster, a delightful roller coaster. Thank you. So I want to ask you one more. I'm going to do a little plug for myself and I want to ask you one more thing. We did not get to cats. Oh, yes.

And I just want an unrelated moment where we can look at pictures of your cats. So if you would please do me a favor and boot up a few while I am plugging. And then we'll close out with some gushing over cats. My phone is out there. Okay. So we might have to do this post. We can pause. Okay.

So I'll do my plug. Yeah. So if you are a regular listener to this program, you probably are sick of hearing about this. If you're new, here's something for the first time that hopefully you're not sick of. We did a scripted podcast on this network, MaximumFun.org, called Bubble. It is coming to a close this week. The last of eight episodes airs on Wednesday. Yeah, it's a real labor of love.

It's just a quick plug. If you don't know what it is, it's a real labor of love it's just a quick plug if you don't know what it is it's a sci-fi comedy maybe if you like Buffy the Vampire Slayer maybe if you like Portlandia if you love old 70s paranoia stuff like Logan's Run this is kind of a mashup of all that stuff

a lot of our favorite people did voices Alison Becker, Eliza Skinner, Cristela Alonso John Hodgman, Bill Corbett, all your comedy faves. Yeah, it kind of got together and did this crazy, crazy scripted thing, kind of a la old radio dramas or the BBC Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It is. Yeah. And it really was like a real team effort. And we're very, very proud of it. Yeah. We'd love to kind of go out on the top of the itunes charts that might be kind of fun uh so if you have not reviewed uh bubble yet get in

there and do that if you haven't tweeted about it uh get in there and do it if you've tweeted about it tweet about it again it's how people find the show so if you haven't subscribed yet subscribe if you haven't reviewed it yet review it and uh yeah any kind of look a little plug you can give would be super super awesome would love to make more but we're not sure if that's financially a good idea it was a little bit expensive there's a donation button

there's t-shirts for sale so yeah if you like this thing and want to support it we would really really appreciate it so bubble it's wherever you get your podcast it's a ton of fun Mara is back tell Tell us about your cats. Okay, so these are my boys. Yep, the fellas.

That's Milo and Theo. Nice. They're best friends. As you can see, there's a lot of pictures of them together. They look small. No, actually, they're huge. Really? Yeah, well, Milo is huge.

He is a huge, huge boy. And Theo is not. Here they are on top of bookshelves for scale. There's a lot of pictures of them. This probably shows, this next one shows probably just how close they are. I love this for audio, by the way. I was looking at cat photos. Hopefully you can hear

our delight. It's my favorite thing to do. So it is an orange. Milo is a giant orange tabby and Theo is a gray and white tabby and in this photo Milo is sitting facing away and Theo has his little arm around and is looking looking back at me really little paw on his shoulder they're best friends uh there's yeah so um I was really good tabby cats couldn't be not orange yeah yeah That's only ginger tabbies or orange tabbies. Milo was really good at opening cabinets.

Oh, nice. Like a little raptor. No, it's a pain in the ass. Oh, sure. Yeah. Because I have to keep him from going in there. I had a cat that liked to pee in electrical sockets. This is Theo stealing one of my –

Did you steal one of my bagel chips from Cantor's? Yeah. I don't know if you can hear that, but this is me dismayed that Theo stole one of my bagel chips from Cantor's. Fucking Theo, always after those bagel chips. Yeah, he's a sweet-faced little mama's boy, but he loves to steal food. So those are my boys. Maybe actually I can ask you, maybe if you want to email me one of those, we can post one of those on the Jordan Jessico Facebook group so people can also get a look at these two very sweet little fuzzies. Well, thank you.

This has been delightful. Thank you guys both for filling in and coming in. Marina, once again, the book is 30 Before 30. I made a mess of my 20s and you can too. Yes. And go ahead and subscribe to Shant We Tell the Vicar and that is on, what is the?

Mara.substack.com. There you go. Get it. Jesse Thorne will be back next week, maybe. I don't know. Again, I'm a bad friend. Brian Fernandez out there

producing and getting us spit cups for our bad malt beverages. We thank him for his work. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.