Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 545: Throttle Up with Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

Writers and podcasters Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport from The Hollywood Handbook podcast join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how Sean's dog Bosch has figured out the ocean, Jordan's co-working space mystery, and the time Jesse locked himself out of his cabin.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, American Nap Dad. Jordan Morris. I'm fucking powered up, Jordan, because I took a nap. Yeah, you seem- That's what us dads do! You seem like it. You're a ball of energy.

I feel great. I feel refreshed. I'm ready for humor. Later on, I'm going to go to the Randy Newman concert with my fellow dads. Oh, man. And uncles and grandpas. Uh-huh. It's going to be great. Right. Yeah, I'm kind of getting that energy.

Right now, you seem, you're not mad, but you're disappointed. That's the vibe I'm getting from you right now. You're not mad, but you just thought I could do better. Yeah. I think that might be your emotional association with dads. Okay. So you think I'm projecting a kind of a dad onto you, a kind of a debula rasa. Yeah.

A blank dad. I think in my case, I'm projecting what I see as more of a classic dad, which is a general geniality with periodic fits of terrifying rage driven by post-traumatic stress disorder. Wow. We're learning a lot today. We both have pretty much universal dad experiences. Sounds like it. That's for sure.

How are you doing, bud? I'm doing good. I have a little mystery that's been bothering me. I thought maybe before we got into it, because I know what podcast listeners want. They want a mystery that unspools over the course of between 8 and 12 episodes. Right. I want to get into it because it's baffling, it's fascinating, and it's definitely something you can make all your friends listen to. But first, let's introduce our guest, Starly Time. Yes, yeah. No, our guests this week are the hosts of one of the absolutely most hilarious podcasts in existence.

A podcast that sometimes when I listen to it, I feel tired or burdened by how much funny it is. Some people would have finished that sentence earlier. I feel burdened, like a mule. A mule laden with sacks. We get that. Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport from the Hollywood Handbook Podcast. Gentlemen, welcome. Jordan,ments and Hayes Davenport from the Hollywood Handbook podcast. Gentlemen, welcome. Jordan, Jesse, Hayes' voice.

Hi, guys. This is Sean Clements' extremely distinctive different voice from Hayes'. Here we are, four completely different whites. We're really, yeah, it's really a paint, like a paint swatch of whites in here. I think this might help. I don't know. Sure. For the listener at home who might be having a hard time telling the difference between

the four 30-something white male voices in this room right now, Hayes is wearing pants. Yeah. Yep. And I'm wearing a bathing suit. So if you hear that bathing suit quality, that's Sean. Just a little mesh. Just a little bit splashing around. Aloha, Sean.

You're coming here straight from the dog beach. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know my Sunday, Jordan. I do. I read about it in that New York Times feature. I really do. Yeah. Sean's Sundays.

Oh, is it a weekly feature? Yeah, it was one of those where they profiled an alt-right guy. He's just like us. He loves the dog beach. What a cool dude. I didn't know you were alt-right when we booked you. You know, I'm dipping my toe in the water. Oh, that's nice.

We don't need to go with that, yes, Anne. Yeah. You don't need to. Yeah. We can just stop that. We don't need specifics on that one. We don't need to say what lives matter or don't no no reason to um but i do want to hear about the dog beach well uh rosie's

dog beach in long beach uh pretty easy trip for you east siders um we go there in the summer pretty frequently uh my dog b Bosh, famous dog. He's known on the podcast as one of the characters. There's some merch. Has a t-shirt. Our newest swag. Yeah. Dog t-shirt.

The latest pod swag t-shirt. In case you wanted a longer, a longer t-shirt explanation than your normal one, which is just like, it's a logo for the show that I like. Now you can go even farther and say like,, this is a dog of one of the hosts. It's a dog that belongs to a host of a show. Who is mentioned occasionally. Yeah, it says Earwolf's number one good boy on it. Earwolf is this other thing.

You know what? I'm just going to zip up my hoodie and not try and explain it anymore. I mostly wear it to work out anyway. Yeah. I talk and I'm focused. I'm wearing my headphones. It's a nice heather gray, so it shows all the sweat. Every drop. That's a nice color for a t-shirt. Yeah. I do like my headphones. It's a nice heather gray, so it shows all the sweat, every drop.

That's a nice color for a t-shirt. I do like, Jesse, you know, we blew by, but you asked, are you guys here to sell t-shirts? And I would say, absolutely. No, no one buys it. Because a lot of people, here's the thing. A lot of people come on our show. If they have their own podcast, their goal is to introduce their style of humor, their charm, their unique charm to our audience, right? And we get a little cross-pollination action.

That's loser ball. It sounds like what you guys are doing are leapfrogging straight past that to the kind of intimate emotional connection that leads people to buy a T-shirt with an inside joke of someone that they imagine they have a relationship with. We're hoping to sell the merch without people having to listen to the show. If I say check out the show, there's a very high chance that that person will never buy a t-shirt. Because if I say buy a t-shirt, they might like the design. The merch is the way into the show at this point. Jesse, would you guys feel weird if we did host pet merchandise? I feel like we should do.

We have some beloved pets that are sometimes mentioned. Yeah. I feel bad, though, because I talk a lot about – it's like in therapy. Do either of you guys have children? No. Okay. So what happens in therapy is you talk a lot about your oldest child because you're going through new experiences with your oldest child. And then you never mention your younger children.

They just don't come up. And I feel like that happens here on Jordan, Jesse Go, where I talk all the time about my dog Coco, who's a little older, and my younger dog, Sissy, rarely mentioned. So maybe just a t-shirt with Coco and Bug? Yeah, that sounds nice. Or just a t-shirt with Sissy to make up for all the times you haven't been talking about her. Do you think that would make up for it? It's a good start.

She's also annoying. Would that change that? I think, no, I don't think so. Oh, okay. Are they in studio dogs ever? They have been in studio, but, you know, we used to do this show. We've been doing George and Jessie Go for a dozen years. Oh.

And we used to do it at my house, and Coco and Sister used to be knocking around while we were recording. It's been a long time since they've been here to the office and studio. It's one of the charms of the at-home podcast, which, you know, where we started. I mean, we consider that our roots. That was our CBGBs. Just a little bit of background on Jordan Jesse

goes. So, Jordan and I had been stand-up comics for a really long time, and we were regulars on Conan, but while we had had some really significant early career success, we didn't make it onto Saturday Night Live.

So far, the conversations that you guys would have... Did you not make it, but did Lorne have you jump through his hoops? We went through a... Yeah. We went through a difficult breakup. Got a divorce. We were moved out to Los Angeles. Yeah, this is Marin.

Anyway, who are your guys? Anyway, now we're on glow. Hayes, do you have pets? I have now three cats as of a couple weeks ago. I got a new one via Sean. Sean has a neighbor who goes around up and down his street with a big net. It's true. What?

Is your neighbor a character in a children's book? Yeah, she does sort of look like a cartoon dog catcher or something. But she does. Do they sell nets that big? You can get a net. We live kind of close to K--Town and it's kitten season. And as you walk through the neighborhood, like when we walk our dog at night, we have five cats and there are two neighborhood cats that we feed every day as well. I had been told it was berry season.

Ah, well, I don't think they're mutually exclusive. I was at the Hollywood Farmer's Market today. Although the kittens are eating the berries. So all the kittens are out. Oh, God. I was at the Hollywood Farmer's Market today. Although the kittens are eating the berries. So all the kittens are out. Oh, God.

In the booths. But they're all being born. And so you can kind of hear like little tiny meowing around. And we've tried to kind of corral them before. That's nice. One time I got one and gave it to someone. But I don't have a high success rate of capturing these young cats. But this woman who lives across the street showed us.

She had had like a more traditional trap that they like walk into but then she very proudly came over one day because we see her as we like feed neighborhood cats she had this giant net but it's not like you scoop them up it's more like you lay it on the ground and then you can like cinch it up at the top. Oh, snap. Like one of those ones that hangs from a tree. Yes, yes. In an adventure. It's Robin Hood's. Wow.

Has she ever like dug a deep pit and then put sticks in the bottom with feces on the end of the sharp end of the stick? I haven't asked her about that. Because if you put a tarp on top and strew some leaves on top, it would be a great way to catch these young cats. This is sort of an urban environment, so you'd be like, what's that leaf patch doing on this cement sidewalk?

And then you smear yourself in mud because, of course, the cats hunt by your heat signature. Yeah. Well, I'm thinking of Predator. I'm sorry. Okay. But she's caught now two this year that one went to Hayes and one went to one of the producers over at Earwolf. How's this new cinched cat adapting to the other two cats? He's great.

They're all getting along now. They ate from the same bowl last week. Cute. Which was huge. Yeah, it's like kittens are so playful. I had forgotten how much energy they have, how much they just love to play all the time. So we're having a blast with this new kitten. But Sean has a very effective way of getting people to adopt these kittens.

I'm a bully. Yes, which is you are not doing him a favor by doing this. It's never like a thank you situation. You are failing him by not doing it sure and that works a lot better the suddenly this is just something that you are supposed to do you just get a text and now and now you need to have a new cat it's a classic missy elliott put your thing down flip it and reverse it thing that's exactly right now i learned from the masters. If there are so many pets between you, why has Bosh, the dog, made it onto the merch, whereas the other pets have not?

He comes to the studio, Doug. He's in the studio every recording. Okay, sure, sure, sure. And so people are talking about him, and he's a big part of the show. He eats the table sometimes, makes a lot of noise. But I feel guilty. He used to fart, not as much anymore. I feel guilty similarly to the younger

dog, younger child thing that we did have the five cats first and they've kind of fallen out of the conversation. Not featured nearly as much on Instagram and they don't have their own shirts. Do you bring the cats to the dog beach?

Not really, no. They're cats, Jesse. Huh. Hold on, hold on. I want to see where this is going. Can we? Anyway. How often are you at this dog beach?

This dog beach is a source of great fascination for me. I've only been a couple times. Live pretty far from Long Beach. Have three children. And I don't think I found out about this dog beach until shortly before my first child was born. And that kind of got in the way of the dog beach lifestyle. But it

is basically where I want to like when I retire I want to live out. Yeah. In Long Beach? No, at this dog beach specifically. Okay. Yeah, just with the dogs and some of them are going in the ocean.

Somebody's throwing a ball in the ocean. The whole nine yards. Little house on stilts, right? So when I tie the water, it comes up. Oh, a dog in a bathing costume. Maybe a cinchable net so you can catch the dogs. Okay. And pull them up into your house.

Yeah, dig a pit out there at the beach. A lot easier to disguise a pit. Now we're in business. Now you're digging a pit. Yeah. Find a way to hide my heat signature. Are there any predators out there at the dog beach? At the dog beach?

Yeah. There are some aliens. Okay. Sorry, xenomorphs. Got it. You would know them as xenomorphs. I would, yeah. Anyway.

I love it there. You know, it's like a dog park at the beach. One thing that was really fun for me today, speaking of some dogs fetching things in the water, Bosh today seemed as if he feels like he has solved the ocean. So, hey, for a long time, he would go in up to his chest because he likes to be in the water. But then he would get creamed by a wave and suddenly be swimming and like have this panic on his face. He was like, oh, no, I didn't want this. Then he sort of started to swim a little bit, but he was still so scared of the waves.

And now like he became so confident where he like times it. The wave crashes. He jumps over the wave, does like three big jumps into the ocean. Then he'll see another wave coming and like spin around and essentially body surf and like let it hit behind him and kind of glide in. And it was so cool to watch him like be confident. spin around and essentially body surf and like let it hit behind him and kind of glide in. And it was so cool to watch him like be confident. Right.

Bittersweet at all? Huh? Because that old like childhood Bosh is gone now. It's like a first day of school kind of. No, it's true. My dog used to be afraid of wind. first day of school kind of like oh it's true my dog used to be afraid of wind and now if there's a gust of wind and she doesn't get scared i do think about how cute it was when she was a baby and she was scared of wind right because she had lived in a hotel room with 25 other dogs in tijuana i do yeah i guess i i never hear about that part of your life. I would love to hear more sometime.

It was right before I started podcasting. Oh, okay. It was a whole other thing. That's your lost year, right? Yeah. Like when John Lennon came to LA. Exactly. Sure, yeah.

I'm learning I may be unique in that I don't want to see my dog be scared. Oh, yeah. Yeah. His terror isn't cute to you? I guess it is kind of cute. But I don't miss it yet. Are the two of you, and Jordan, I'm going to include you in this as well. As a guy who grew up in this land.

Please don't. No, go. Are the three of you fully comfortable at the beach? And the reason I mention it is when I'm at the beach, I have a couple of issues and concerns. One of them is I don't really want to do anything in the ocean. I don't think I'm going to drown, but it seems cold and not fun to me. Right. That's one.

But the bigger issue is a kind of existential crisis that has to do with like looking out over the waves and the ocean seems to go on forever. Infinity, yeah. That makes me very nervous. Huh. It can be kind of soothing. Use like a nice short ocean. Well, I don't know. What's the man in the – the man from the planetarium who wears the vests with the stars on them and he hosted Cosmos 2?

Neil. Neil deGmos, too. Neil. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah. I interviewed Neil deGrasse Tyson on my public radio program, Bullseye. Mm-hmm. And as you guys know from- Let me pick up that name you forgot. Now who's here to sell T-shirts?

You know, his public persona, he's like, well, he's a chill guy, right? Yeah. On Twitter, he's always chilling. Yeah. On Twitter, he's always chilling. Yeah. And I asked him if he ever gets uncomfortable contemplating the infinite nature of space. Sure. And then he just made fun of me and picked on me. Oh, wow.

But I legitimately, looking out over the ocean makes me kind of uncomfortable. Hmm. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think we can all agree nerds are the new bullies. Him and Elon Musk out there giving people shit. Nerd bully is a definite type of person. Sure. That has emerged.

Mean nerd. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. People who have been so protected. But are you guys cool with all that? No, I never go there. As you can see, it's 110 degrees and here I am wearing jeans.

I haven't worn shorts this entire summer. I'm like at dusk. I love the beach. I feel sometimes uncomfortable at the beach, but more because I know I'm going to have sand everywhere. Because some Charles Atlas type is going to kick sand in your face.

Believe me. They're always lifting weights or lifting big dogs. Oh, yeah. Oh, so that's a bunch of studs go down there. Oh, yeah. Bench some retrievers. There's a muscle dog beach as well. Oh, okay.

So there's regular dogs. Just one mastiff over each shoulder. Sure. Yeah. And boom, they steal your wife and you're not looking. Hayes, why no shorts? Why have you not, why invest in some shorts, buddy? It's hot.

It's hot out there. So context for you is Jordan this summer has come out very strongly as hot positive. Okay. He's keeping the heat in his positive frame. He's locked it in. He's going to enjoy summertime fun. Uh-huh i i think at some point when you don't wear shorts for i don't even remember the last time it's probably been like

10 or 15 years i think your legs stop being shorts legs anymore and now i i think i have basically only pants legs and not necessarily it would be weird to another person seeing it but to me I would just be too conscious of my shorts if you don't mind my asking is it a length issue? is it a musculature issue? well definitely color you look like you've got nice gams

the gams are probably okay you know what I go running yeah a lot and you show off them getaway sticks it's true I go running. Yeah. A lot. And you show off them getaway sticks. It's true. I have no concerns. I'll go really high on those.

It's just something about lounging. But you have running shorts. I wear running shorts. Okay. And some of those are really short. You would adjust. You would be amazed at how quickly you would adjust if you found a pair of shorts that you like because I also did not wear shorts

certainly the entire time I lived in New York and probably the first two years I lived in LA. And as soon as I got back into it. What changed? You know what? I said fuck it. Yeah. Can we swear on it? Can we curse on here? Yeah. Yeah. But we have not started yet. I saw Ris fuck it. Yeah. Can we swear on it? Can we curse on here? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, but we have not started yet. I saw Risky Business. Oh, I thought you saw Yes Man. Yeah, I saw Yes Man and I decided to start saying yes to shorts. Probably honestly. Oh, I thought you were just inspired by the sight of Luis Guzman in shorts. Yeah. Looking good, Guz.

Yeah, I was watching Jim hang out with all his age-appropriate friends. Just guys who were the same age as him. Bradley Cooper. Love interest, Zooey Deschanel. Everybody roughly the same age. No way to tell if they're not. I think probably what changed, honestly, was my relationship status. I think my wife was like, bought me a pair of shorts.

I feel like every summer I buy three pairs of shorts and I think that this next pair of shorts will be the pair of shorts where I'm happy to be wearing shorts. Okay. But every summer I feel like I fall short, no pun intended. Yeah. Although we think we all do. But let's all enjoy it. It's delightful. It's delightful.

I love it. We're going to pretend there's no pun because you didn't intend it. And I think that like every year I feel more ambivalent about wearing shorts. But the reality is I also like if I was wearing pants right now, I would be dead. Yeah. Like I just can't do it physically. It's nice to always be able to wear pants. Your body adjusts enough so that you can wear pants in basically any situation when you're a pants guy.

Some people flip it. situation when you're a pants guy. Some people flip it. I know my high school, my college roommate, Mike. Mike, when I was a freshman, he was a sophomore in college. We had been living together all year. And we went to school in Santa Cruz where it's pretty cool and wet in the winter. And I want to say it was April or so.

So we'd been in school for six or eight months. And he said, I got to go home to Hayward, Jesse. I was like, why is that? He's like, oh, I got to get a pair of pants. I got a job interview. And I'm like, this whole time you didn't have a pair of pants? And he's like, you didn't notice? And I kind of thought back and I was like, I guess you have been wearing shorts every day that I've seen you for the past eight months.

Yeah. What happens to those guys, I have personally seen this, is you become a grandfather, and then you cannot wear pants anymore, and then you are not allowed to go to Thanksgiving dinner at the club. You are removed from the club, from the dining area, because that is a pants-only event. Right. There was one guy in my high school who had a bet with someone that he would wear shorts for the entire year. This was in New England. This was in Connecticut.

A little bit more of a challenge. It was pretty cold, but he did it. But I remember it being hot. What was the bet? What did he get out of it? I don't remember. I didn't really know him that well. I remember being like hey man shorts because it was like snowing outside and he was like yeah yeah i bet my buddy bet me that i

wouldn't uh wear shorts for the entire year i would love i didn't do any bets in high school i was like there's a lot of like i mean if you look at watch a high school movie it's all but bets everybody just betting each other things yeah i'm sorry to tell you this the bet was about you oh that was like can you make him homecoming king or something yeah yeah like and i you know i'm in the same club i wasn't one of the guys making the bet sure you were the target of yes that's right as a 37 year old now i feel like i would love just to have the emotional bandwidth to invest in bets with my buddies. Like if I had so much room in my life that I could really get down into wearing shorts every day. You've been selling me this bill ever since you saw Tag. You just got worked up over Tag.

You want an intense game with your adult friends. I went to a movie theater and saw tag. Did you? Yeah. That sounds fun. It was all right. Stop playing because we get old. Yeah.

It's a really good point. Because we stop playing. Is that the moral of tag? Benjamin Franklin said it. Did he? Yeah. According to the opening. According to tag.

You'd know him as Poor Richard. I'm sure, yes. That's my favorite all-man actor. Wait, Benjamin Franklin is Poor Richard? Whoa. Oh, my God. It's like the end of Fight Club. It's like Donald.

That was their Donald Glover in Childish Gambino. Wait. Okay, it's getting too hot in here, so we're going to take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I am Jesse Thorne. I am America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan. Every week on Jordan, Jesse Go, we are able to do this. Keep these microphones in fine fettle. Right. Because of Max Fund members who go to MaximumFund.org slash donate. We love them. We love them. We also have sponsors on this week's show.

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I mean, in this case, recruiting, but sure. It's like one of those things where they invented Tang for astronauts, but then everybody wants some Tang. That's true. It's one of these things, this perfect matching technology is great for recruiting employees. It's also great for playing Go Fish. It has civilian usage. America's favorite card game. Yeah. And right now, our listeners can try

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It's something they want you to know. Yeah, but you can get $20 off your first contacts order at simplecontacts.com slash JJGO. Or you can just enter the code JJGO at checkout. That's simplecontacts.com slash JJGO for $20 off your first contacts order from Simple Contacts. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. That's the one. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, I'm Hayes Davenport, the Hayes man, which is my – I feel bad a little bit that my standard nickname is gendered. Well, you're gendered. I know. Do you identify as a man?

I feel like I'm pushing it on everyone as like I'm the Hayes man. But do I have – It's okay. No, I think it makes people feel comfortable. If we all use gendered nicknames, it's sort of the equivalent of going to a conference and having your pronouns my pronouns part of my name yeah that's cool just what you're laying it out there so other people feel comfortable yeah making it easier at any point have you said it's the hazy days of summer so you tried that and i've never done that and someone uh julie klausner

introduced me to hazy shade of winter which I wasn't familiar with either. I mostly got Purple Haze growing up. I don't know. I don't know how I missed all these other ones for so long. Sometimes when I would say that my last name is Clement, someone would go, as in inclement weather? God. Yes, exactly. You got it.

Back to reading Atlantic. Yeah, it's like, not really really it's happened twice yeah yeah it's not like your name is so weird that you need oh like this it's just a name it's a regular name i had a um if i could tell a brief story please um uh how psychotic and broken i am uh so i went to um healthy spot you guys know that pet store pet store, kind of a fancy pet food store? I have not been. Yeah. What's the distinguishing characteristics of it? Just general fanciness or are we talking about fresh food that's original to the Healthy Spot?

I don't even know. They have a lot of like high-end brands and some nice toys and stuff, but they sell a specific thing that our dog likes there. Dog food? Yes. Stella and Chewy's freeze-dried chicken patties. We break it up on his kibble. So anyway, they have an account for you where it's like your dog's name is in there,

so you give your phone number when you get out, and maybe you get a little discount and you get points or whatever. Not like a credit account like an old-timey general store. No, no, no. Just like they have your information just like every other store you've ever checked out at now where it's like, can we have your phone number? And it's like, can I fucking pay? So I guess my question is if you don't have that, how do you pay for the dog food before the harvest comes in?

Okay. And do you want me to answer that question? You just want to have it. Honestly irrelevant. Sure. But they looked up my dog's name, and here's where we'll loop back around. And she read it and went, huh, how do you – I'm sorry. How do you pronounce your dog's name?

His name is spelled B-O-S-C-H. Right. Does this cashier not have Amazon Prime? I guess. That might be. I guess so, but I went, it's Bosch.

And she went, oh, okay. You must get that all the time, huh? And I guess anyone else would have gone like, yeah, sure. But I went, no, actually, I'm struggling to find another way you could pronounce it. the time huh and i guess anyone else would have gone like yeah sure but i went no actually i'm struggling to find another way you could pronounce it and she said and she panicked here because really she could have said like bosh i guess but she went she's a customer service employee getting paid 14 an hour oh and i'm a complete asshole. Yeah. And she went, well, I guess the S would be silent and would be like Bach.

And I went, okay. I can't think of a word that has a silent S like that. She said, I'll look some up and I'll get back to you. I left. I called my wife. I said, I'm very sorry. I can't go to a healthy spot anymore. I think you called me on the way home as well.

Yes. To tell me about this. Because I can see myself when I'm doing something like this. Yeah. And I know that I should stop. Right. And I know, I'm like, this is why people don't like me. Like people don't really like me and this is the exact behavior that causes it.

And I can't – I think now I can see it while it's happening but I can't quite hit the brakes yet and that's kind of my goal for maybe 2020. Would you say that – is that a possible slogan for 2020 for you uh yeah yeah in 2020 let's hit the brakes yeah and think of what you can get up to for the next year and a half oh yeah to actively be pleasant for someone clem dog unleashed yeah oh so you're saying before you for full stop you're gonna have like stop, you're going to have a bender. You're going to have a huge... Oh, right. Like all this next year, I go, let's get it out of my system. Sure, yeah.

Throttle up could be the slogan for 2019. I want to hear about this mystery. Oh, yeah. Please. I was worried it was going to happen in the intro, and then I wouldn't be brought in. And now I'm worried it's not going to happen at all. No, it'll happen. Please get me.

And will it be worth the buildup? Some are saying no. I'm just grateful that Hayes stepped in and hosted our show. Yeah, thanks. I was about to go on a whole thing about how my cat's name is the Marvelous Miss Maisel and I run into similar problems. Oh, I'm sorry. But then we never would have gotten to the mystery.

I know. That would have been good. It would have been Amazon Prime pet jokes. Yeah. Cat's name should be Fleabag. All right. She's very clean. But she's very clean.

It's a show, but she's clean. Anyway. Tom Clancy's Jack Reacher. I really know why this is your producer. Huh? I really understand why this man is your producer. Yeah. He laughs so much.

Uh-huh. We've never experienced this. He has such a positive vibe. It's so cool. And it's producer. Yeah. He laughs so much. Uh-huh. We've never experienced this. He has such a positive vibe. It's so cool. And it's sincere. Yes. No, it feels totally sincere. I don't know what emptiness

we feel inside him, but I'm so grateful to have him. It's so nice because we have these engineers and stuff, and they don't. They hate our stuff. I think they're mostly,

it's not that they hate or like us. They're just doing other stuff during the record. I hate to break this to everybody. Jesse, this will probably devastate you, but I actually saw a reflection in the mirror, and Brian has just been watching The Marvelous Miss Maisel. Oh, wow.

And sometimes the laughs in the show correlate to when we say something. I immediately assumed that you were going to say that you saw a reflection in the studio window, and you realized Brian is us. Sure. Yeah. We are Brian. Brian is us. Wow.

And we are Groot. Yeah. Have you guys ever been to, has anyone ever been to or done any work or had any meeting at a WeWork? Never been inside. I know about it, but I've never been to one. It's a shared working space, and most of my work these days is freelance.

I do it from home. And I don't like it. It's bad. I feel bad when I stay at home all day. Yeah. I know I'm being hot positive, but I'll drop that for a second and just say my house is fucking hot.

I don't have air. Okay. So it's uncomfortable. So I've been looking for other places to do this work. And public library has been pretty good to me. But, you know, sometimes there's a weird vibe in there. Yeah. Especially in the middle of the day.

A lot of shit can go down at the moment. Yeah. Public library is a wonderful place, but it's a wild card. there. Yeah. Especially in the middle of the day. A lot of shit can go down at the public library. Yeah. Well, the public library is a wonderful place, but it's a wild card. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. And like, you know, like a public library on a Sunday afternoon is a little slice of heaven, but like, you know. They got a hot apple pie cooling on the windowsill.

Sure. Story time. Dog beach. Yes. Yes. There's a dog beach in some public libraries. But yeah, but just like during the day, sometimes there's some shit going down in there.

Unreliable Wi-Fi too. Every time my wife finishes a book, basically, she'll be like, will you just go donate this to the library? And there's a library right around the corner. And every time I go and do it, I'm like, hey, we're donating this. And they always sort of look at me and go like okay like sideways and then I'll be like hey they're so weird what I do

she's like really they're so friendly whenever I do it hold on what have you said to the people at the library think of your last interaction with them are there any breaks you should be hitting yeah but a buddy of mine and I'll shout him out because they're helping. They're giving me a hand. My buddy who owns Fulcrum Labs.

Oh, wow. The number one place to make. That's a big defense contractor, right? No, you're thinking of Blackwater, but they do sound like it does. You know, I was. Blackhawk helicopter? Yeah, they make cruise missiles. Yeah, Tomahawk missiles. They're digging the pneumatic tubes under Los Angeles to move cars.

No, that's the boring company, Elon Musk. Anyway, I was not consulted on the name of this company. It's a fine company. They make educational videos for various companies. Does it sound evil? A little. Okay. But maybe that's part of its charm.

But you know what? There's nothing wrong with a simple machine. That's sure. Yeah. That's the truth. Give me a long enough lever and I can move the world. Oh, Archimedes. Yeah.

Just show him where to stand. Yeah. You know? Yeah. He's going to need. He's good in everything. He wants the point. He was so strong, I think, is what that was about.

Yeah. The lever should be thick to is what that was about. Yeah. The lever should be thick to girth some. Sure. Yeah. The width is important. Yeah. Yeah. When it comes to Archimedes, I think we can all agree.

Daddy thick. Daddy thick. Sure. Yes. Daddy is thick. So Fulcrum Labs. Welcome to Jordan. This is what we do all day.

That's about it. Oh, that's so good. It's the only thing people will remember from this episode is when that happened. So Fulcrum Labs, they operate out of a WeWork, which is, you know, they're in kind of these nice buildings. They're shared workspaces. There's some individual offices, but there's a big kind of common area. They got infused water. Foosball table?

I have not been to one with a foosball table, but they do have shit like that. Beanbag chairs? Beanbag chairs, absolutely. Like a neon sign that says, like, work bitch. Yeah. W-E-R-K. Yeah. Which I found insulting. Not dystopian at all. I have a weird way to spell bitch. Yeah. W-E-R-K. Yeah. Which I found insulting.

Not dystopian at all. I have a weird way to spell bitch. Yeah. It is W-O-R-K-W-E-R-K. Yeah. And I'm like work bitch. Weird way to spell that. Anyway.

Work work. So they have like the company, they give you points. So you get a certain amount of points at the beginning of the month. And so he's like, hey, we're not using these points. Use these points and check into whatever WeWork you want to go to when you got a deadline. So I've been doing that. It's been great. There's WeWorks all around LA.

I think like public libraries, they're wild cards. And they definitely take on the character of the neighborhood they're in. So I went to a WeWork in like the middle of Hollywood and it was just like guys in track pants yelling over their Bluetooth and like pacing in weird ways. I have not gone back to that one. It's a lovely one in the Pacific Design Center where everyone is very chill. Great WeWork. And also something I like about it is I'm getting a kind of an office experience that I feel like my life is lacking. Right. I mean, I know how much, how strongly you feel about bringing a lunch.

I know how much you- Love to bring a lunch. I know how you feel about your tuppies. I love tuppies and I'm doing that. I'm doing, I'm bringing a lunch. I'm waving. I'm at the coffee machine. Hot enough for you? I'm doing that. I'm doing, I'm bringing a lunch. I'm waving. I'm at the coffee machine. Hot enough for you?

I'm saying that. Sure. Is anyone there to make friends? Or it sounds like maybe you are. I'm there to make friends. I haven't had any real deep connections, but, like, I've got some people I'm on waving terms with. And it feels great. I should be clear that Omarosa is there.

She's not there to make friends. No. I should be clear that Omarosa is there. She's not there to make friends. No. I don't know what the mystery you're going to present is. Right. But to me, the mystery is why can't Jordan hack it at the Hollywood WeWork?

No, that's true. I might not be Hollywood WeWork material. Like how's this guy think he's going to get anything done? No, you're right. I can't handle the swirling chaos of the Hollywood WeWork. So you get mass emails from the WeWork staff. And I guess I could turn these off, but I started to like these emails from a guy named Greg. And I'll read to you a Greg email. Wait, hold on.

to you a Greg email. Wait, hold on. When you say you get mass emails from the WeWork staff, just different staffers at WeWork have the right to send all their customers an email? I think it is too. I think this is meant for Fulcrum Labs employees, which I maybe technically am in the system. But this is someone from an individual WeWork office or main office? I think so. So Greg will send an email.

Here's an example. Hello, everyone. It's your boy Greg here serving Prosecco and Popsicles in WeWork's first floor break space. Great. He's awesome. He's fun. He's my boy Greg.

Yeah. I don't want to foosball with that guy anytime. Absolutely. Here's another one. Hello, everyone. It's your boy Greg here serving drinks on 35. Swing by for cinnamon toast cocktails. I'll be here for the next hour.

Ah, ew. So, yeah. Okay, so the things Greg is serving sound gross. Very gross. Yeah. But, I mean, I guess, like, it's more socially acceptable than, like, hey, it's your boy Greg here. Fireball shots. You know, like, that's your boy Greg here. Fireball shots. You know, like that's a different ball game. So that was

continuing. It was making me feel like I had community. I had a boy Greg. I've not met this man, but it's like a comforting thing to find in my email. And just context-wise for you guys since you're not here every week, Jordan's been on this search to find a boy. Ah, yes. This trickles out and just like the whole podcast

space we've heard about the colors things. But here's the latest email. Here's one from like earlier this week, which I think colored the rest of the emails. It's from Greg. Our weekly mindfulness meditation hosted by Peak Brain Institute begins at 1.30 p.m. in room 35F. He's not saying it's my boy Greg. It's become root, clinical, not personable. So my question is, what the fuck happened to Greg?

He's not fun anymore. He's sending these business-like emails. Do you think he hit peak brain? I don't know, maybe. Are you guys peak brain? I'm at, like, if you have to ask. Yeah? I don't know. Maybe. Are you guys peak brain? I'm at like... If you have to ask. Yeah.

I know you ain't. Okay. Yeah. Take one to no one, huh? So was he... You can smell it on me if you're peak brain. I'm just peak TV. That's all I am.

I'm in the fourth golden brain. Congratulations. Hey, it's stupid. I'm in the fourth golden brain. Congratulations. Hey, it's stupid. I don't care. Throttle up indeed. I think what happens for any email, any mass email at an office, the explanation for everything is somebody complained. Right. Yeah.

I mean, and I feel bad because I haven't told anybody how much I like these emails. I like them. I have a theory. Please. Well, the first two emails seem as if you will be directly interacting with your boy, Greg. Uh-huh. Which is a dream of mine.

In a kind of fun social activity where he's like, you'll come get a drink. You introduce it. Be like, are you Greg? I'll be like, yeah, it's your boy. We is a dream of mine. In a kind of fun social activity where he's like, you'll come get a drink. He introduces it and be like, are you Greg? I'll be like, yeah, it's your boy. We'll do this whole thing. This one seems like he may not even be in the meditation. It's still his responsibility to inform you of it, but it will certainly not be led by your boy Greg. Right. It will be like a group inside a classroom.

And so for him to go, hey, it's your boy Greg. Come to Peak Brain Institute's meditation. It sets up a false expectation for you. Sean is right. If he had prefaced it with that, I would have assumed that he was not just attending the meditation but leading it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I like – I mean, I like – I have nothing but respect and admiration for Greg's vibe.

I don't know how a dude like this, who I perceive to be a very chill, fun bro, I don't know how he would do it leading a meditation. I don't know that he's a relaxing guy. Which is why he's not setting you up to expect him to lead the meditation. But his whole thing is he's just taking orders from the Institute. The Peak Brain Institute. Yeah, the Institute's calling the shots here. This isn't authentic Greg's original thoughts. You get to a certain point and you cede your sense of self to that Institute.

And that's just the reality of being in Central Hollywood. So you think my boy Greg has been kind of introduced into some sort of cult situation? I think that's possible. Yeah. He's in PBI. I think he should look into some of the other character groups

in Fallout 4. Yeah. Anyway, so I just wanted to put that out there. If anybody knows Greg, have him get in touch with me and just let him know

that I would like the... I just want to say, he is in touch with you all the time. No, that's true, yes. But like privately. Okay. Not in a mass email sort of way because I just, I don't know.

The fun Greg, my boy Greg emails were like a real source of comfort to me. Have you thought about calling Greg and just hashing this out? People don't talk on the phone anymore, Jesse. Jordan, sometimes... I freak out when someone calls me on the phone. And do you have one of those email accounts that only receives email? I guess I could reply. It only goes one way?

Yeah, no, I could reply. I'm not being proactive. I think being framed as a mystery was misleading. Yeah, maybe. I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be a fun, you know, Richard Simmons kind of thing. Putting all the work on the listeners. If they know Greg, we know they're already busy.

Sure. That's true. Sean Hayes, I know you guys are professional writers in show business. Yeah, sort of. If you were going to compose a reply to one of Greg's emails, which is something that Jordan's obviously scared to do. Yeah. There's something that Jordan's obviously scared to do. Sure.

Yeah. And, you know, like, I don't want to hit it too hard, but just for context, Jordan's really going through some stuff right now. Thank you. Yeah. And I think he's ready for a breakthrough, but he's going to need some coaching. How would you reply to one of Greg's emails to repair or reinstate that relationship that's so important to Jordan right now? This is a bad question for Sean. Related to the Healthy Spot story, Sean is a pretty harrowing email sender. Well, and the other thing is, I am Greg.

In a lot of these scenarios, it's like, This is the satisfying twist that the listeners wanted. In a lot of these scenarios, it's like, fuck! That makes sense. It's the satisfying twist that the listeners wanted. And then you just don't have any congeniality left. Yeah. I'm going to keep it up this Greg character in my sort of WeWork gig. When I go to pick up dog food on the way home, it's spent. Yeah.

Yeah, so it's hard for me to get in the headspace of someone who would respond to Greg. Okay, sure. Just because I'm replying to myself. That's a little weird. Yeah, that's a little weird. And I'd probably be asking really personal stuff. I know me so well. Who are you really?

Right, yeah. So, Jordan, I just want to, like, you like, the WeWork experience is good for you. Yeah, it's been really good. It's been really good for me. You prefer it to other places to go. You don't do, like, restaurants or anything? There's no for you. Yeah, it's been really good. It's been really good for me. You prefer it to other places to go. You don't do restaurants or anything? Sometimes, yeah. Have you tried the Hatchery?

No, I have not. What's a Hatchery? Oh, the Hatchery on Larchmont is, I think, similar to- The Institute is growing human-like life for you. Oh, okay. So, okay. I see what's happening here. Well, guys.

People like it. I've heard. I've heard it's great. Anyway, I just don't want to spend a lot of money. Yeah, sure. People like it. I've heard. I've heard it's great. Anyway, I just don't want to spend a lot of money. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, I don't know. I never try it.

I just work from my house. You're pretty near a Norm's, right? Norm's can be good. I've done some work at a Norm's. Yeah, they'll let you post up there all day. Yeah, you can just hang out at a Norm's for basically as long as you want to.

And that's been, I have done that. You just have to keep eating eggs. That's exactly like cool hatchery. Bricks and scones. Can I ask you a question about the shared office experience? Here's the thing. We did a little research into shared offices here at Maximum Fun

because we're starting to have too many employees for this space. That's just the reality. It's just the reality of success. Yeah. It's flexing on me. So here's my question about it.

It seems like you pay your money to get in and you get guaranteed a place to sit but not a particular place to sit and I feel like I would feel weird sitting in what I feel to be someone else's desk.

Yeah, you're worried about WeWork bullies. Well, I'm just like, what if there's a picture of another man's family? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. You know? There's not like traditional desks with tchotchkes. I think if you're a company, you can get a little like area to yourselves. But I think then there's like a common space where like a little, like, area to yourselves. Mm-hmm. But I think then there's,

like, a common space where, like, fun creatives like me like to hang out. Okay. Like a fun creative. Like Bumper Pool. Bumper Pool, sure.

Pinball. So many noisy games that you think they're doing at this WeWork. Pitching those. Uh-huh. Are you the most famous person at the WeWork, you think?

Uh, no. Wallace Shawn. What? Yeah. Wow. I don't know what he's doing. Developing an app, I guess. Holy shit.

He's like a mega millionaire. Playwright, Wallace Shawn? Yeah. He's at home being like, hey, man, don't tell people that. Come on, dude. I have my own office. We'd be out of this, man. We don't have a lot of listeners, but because Wallace Shawn does listen, we feel good about it.

Which is the only reason we keep doing it. Roger Angel also listens, speaking of. Oh, cool. So a lot of the New York literati are really into Jordan Jesse. Oh, damn. Trillin. Oh, Calvin Trillin loves it. And you know what?

A lot of people ask, why make a podcast? And it's like, if I make one person happy and that one person is edwidge dante hey jesse do you want to so good you want to take a little break and then we'll take one of our patented hilarious prank calls from david mamet it's always about zionism in the end that's true we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I can't hear myself, but I'm consumed by the podcast.

These are real podcast listeners, not actors. Hey, thanks for coming. Here's a list of descriptors. What would you choose to describe the perfect podcast? I mean, vulgarity. Dumb. Definitely dumb. And like, right here, this one.

Meritless. What if I told you there was a podcast that did have all of that? No. Jordan Jesse Go. And it's free. Jordan Jesse Go? Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. A real podcast.

Beloved Maximum Fun Star Trek podcast, The Greatest Generation, is going out on tour. We are bringing Greatest Gen Con to a bunch of cities in the U.S. and Canada. It's our big tribute to slash send up of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. And we have a big leg coming up. Yes, we are raising our legs on a number of cities in the coming weeks. We're going to Washington, D.C. on August 23rd. The Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on August 24th. Mass Mocha in North Adams, Massachusetts on August 25th.

Pittsburgh on the 28th. Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater on the 29th. Atlanta, Georgia at the Earl on the 30th. Ferndale, Michigan at the Magic Bag on the 31st. Those are some great big rooms and some great big cities, Ben. And it's a really fun show. It's accessible even if you haven't listened to the podcast yet. We can't wait to see you when we're out on tour.

Check greatestgencon.com for dates and ticketing information. And con is spelled K-H-A-N because Wrath of Khan. Greatest Gen. K-H-A-N.com. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sean Clemens. You could call me the Clem la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sean Clemens.

You could call me the Clem Dog, though. The Haze Man. You're not even going to say your full name. No. If I Google Haze Man. I'm getting away from Haze Davenport. If I Google Haze Man, do you think I'll just get your IMDb? Wikipedia page?

I'll be up there. Not a lot of hazes. Especially not a lot of hazemen. Especially not a lot of haze men. There are a few haze women. Who's your top haze? Besides yourself. Besides myself. Gotta be Haze MacArthur, I think, at this point.

He's on Angie Tribeca. Okay. He was on, I want to say, Perfect Couples. Yeah, I think that's right Either that or Traffic Light, which were kind of the same show around Sure, they didn't have to be one or the other I mean, either way, this dude works Yes, he gets work

Well, you know what the slogan of all hazes is? We work Oh, sure, yeah He's the kind of guy, he slots right in to any project He sounds like a handsome white guy. Yes, he's one of those guys. Sean, do you have a top Sean? Besides yourself and Wallace, Sean?

Putting me on the spot here. Top Sean. Well, I guess my first answer is no, I don't. And then I put that. And they say always go with your first feeling yeah yeah answering a question yes but i'll think of one i mean i'm the top sean is probably sean connery yeah that's really and let's let's stick with sean's if you want to narrow it down yeah yeah yeah because otherwise it's sean waynes or SW1, my favorite DJ. You have Sean Bean.

Sean Bean. Who has two different ways to pronounce the same sequence of letters. Yeah. That's nice. Jordan, you got a top Jordan? Yeah, it's a Sean Bean. Oh, fantastic. Yeah.

Got to be Jordan B. Peterson. Yep. He's my favorite thought leader. Just wrapping it back around him. Thank you. Didn't want that to possibly get lost in the shuffle of this podcast recording. Yeah, Jordan Peterson, if you're out there, thank you. And thank you for yes-anding that.

I appreciate it. And thanks for yes-anding when we specifically asked you not to provide specifics. Ah, yes. When something momentous happens to you in our audience, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions. You can also, of course, email your voice memos to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. That's the kind of hot technology a lot of kids are using these days. I've heard. That's what Julen is, right?

Yeah, exactly. It's when you record a voice message and send it to Jordan Jesse Go. Send it to your favorite podcast from 2015. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan Jesse Go. It's Patrick in Omaha. I was just calling to say I have a moment of shame. I locked myself out of my house with my four-month-old baby upstairs in the crib.

He's fine. This is after the fact now. I was fixing a lock on a door, and it's fixed now because it shut, and then I'm locked out. All the first floor doors and windows were locked, but I remembered on the second floor, one of the windows was unlocked so i got a ladder from the garage and i climbed up and opened it my son was fine you know he was alone for maybe 15 minutes there but he's fine um yeah so that was like the scariest thing ever i just wanted to let you guys know that i'm very very. I'm the stupidest motherfucker ever. Enjoy. Have a good one.

Bye. Happened to me three weeks ago. But not as cool as that one. A, you weren't fixing the lock. That's true. Right? Fake. This guy's fake.

He's fake as hell. He's bragging. My kid's fine. You think this guy doesn't actually have a son? Or that the son died? Well, if these sequence of events happened, he planned the whole thing. kid's fine you think you think this guy doesn't actually have a son or that the son died uh well if this if these sequence of events happened he planned the whole thing just do you think this get a sweet viral telephone call on a podcast you think this guy is a crisis

actor a thousand percent i know but i know that you know when you see like an internet video of a kid just like you know spontaneously singing frozen or something you're like oh but i'm like they got fucking coached by their weird parents there's you know there's an hour of this shit before they got it right moms are now viral moms right exactly see that's what you think this guy did he's he's staging viral hijinks it really did i was at my cabin and my child was not in a crib. My child, the child in question is like 17 months old or something. And I did not know that the doors had been locked. We usually keep the doors unlocked at the cabin, not to invite anyone to come break into my cabin, steal my VHS tapes. I locked myself out and I went through – I like literally had that conversation where my child who is – he's like doesn't speak English but he knows words and kind of – you can kind of tell if he can tell what you're talking about. Yeah. So it's just me. You have an Esperanto kid.

People are doing that now. Sure, yeah. Universal language. He has two dads, me and William Shatner. We – like we – I had this moment where he came up – I'm outside. I've just realized the doors are all locked. He comes up to the window and it was like – you know when you have the phone in prison and you put your hand on the glass? Sure. Just for the glass. Sure.

Just for the illusion of touch. In that moment, you need it more than ever. I just wanted to communicate to my child, don't put a fork in the electrical socket while dad runs up to the neighbor's house and gets the spare key. Like that was... You should also have told him not to look at porn.

Well, he did look at porn. I mean, that's like his whole thing. Oh, his whole thing is porn? Yeah. I mean, he doesn't see it sexually. He thinks it's like, he thinks it's cool. Okay, sure. To him, it's not porn.

It's just people. Oh. That's a good point. The human animal. He's a sex positive kid. Sure, yeah. And you know, Terry Crews was addicted to porn. Terry Crews is a big hero for Curtis.

Oh, that's great. Oh, okay. I didn't know that about Terry Crews and I thought I knew a lot. Yeah. He's an onion that keeps on peeling at Terry Crews. Yeah, he really does have a lot of information about him. Former NFL player, American gladiator, porn addict, minivan driver, yogurt enthusiast, and victim of Hollywood sexual harassment. Terry Crews, he's a treasure.

An American treasure. More to come. He's not done. What will he be addicted to next? I feel guilty retrospectively about how much of my worry in that moment was about my child hurting himself. Which, you know, the cabin's full of hazards. Sure. Who knows what might happen in there?

Sure. There's that one crab you guys put in there. Yeah, sure. A single wandering crab. Oh, there's a couple of bowsers in there. Okay. Oh, there's a couple of Bowser's in there. Okay.

So, but I was like very concerned for his well-being, but I think that concern may have been somewhat superseded by concern that my wife would come back from her hike and then not want to be married to me anymore. Sure. Grounds for divorce. Yeah. Grounds for divorce. Just discover an empty locked cabin. Yeah. Because she definitely loves our children much more than she loves me. Yeah, because she definitely loves our children much more than she loves me.

Yeah, but she left the house. That's true. That's on her. Yeah. That's kind of her thing. She basically fed her child Okay,

well, I'm going to stay home where my child is. Yeah. Stay home with the child and the Bowser's or else you're asking for trouble.

Sure, yeah. She knows you. You mean? Yeah. Right. She knew what she was getting into. Yeah. She married me. Yeah. The dumb yeah. She knows you. You mean? Yeah. Right. She knew what she was getting into. Yeah.

She married me. Yeah. The dumb broad. I do, about this guy's story, is there any greater thrill slash scary thing than breaking into your own home? Like when you're locked out, figuring out how easy it really is to get into your house and that really- You just kind of agreed not to break into each other.

Under a lot of circumstances. But you can do it. As a white guy especially. It can be just thrilling. Because you know that nobody is going to. Call the police on you. Who will come and kill you. They'll just assume this man was locked out.

He's getting in the best he can. You can just focus on. The process of getting the window open. Did I mention that I was wearing a pair of nylons pulled down over my face? Oh yeah, that might have been. A pair? A pair. You put one

leg on and then you pull the other one around. It's better. It's like wearing two condoms. It feels better. One condom makes it feel a little bit worse, but two condoms are extra good Yeah, it's better. It feels better. It feels much better. Yeah, one condom makes it feel a little bit worse, but two condoms,

extra good. Well, the one condom rolls the other one off and it feels amazing. Sure. I put the second condom on inside out so it cancels

the first one out. Sure. Brian, you got another call in there? Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, possible guest. This is Brian from Pittsburgh.

I was calling in with a moment of occasion. I was just driving to the store when I realized that the car I rolled up on behind had a giant, somewhat anatomically correct, let's say anatomically ambitious dildo suction cups to the rear corner of the window. So I'm not even sure that the driver knew it was there, but I certainly did as every bump, it just kind of flopped around rubbery penis for about a quarter mile until it turned away. And I was somewhat saddened but also relieved. So that was an interesting way to spend a couple minutes on the way to the store. Thanks for the show. I love it. Bye. You're welcome.

The world is full of wonders. That's the moral there. The suction cup is such a thoughtful addition to a dildo. Because it used to just have an end. There wasn't anything there. It was useless. But then if you don't want to use your hands,

you're trying to get down on it and it's kind of falling over and stuff. Like the suction cup makes that so easy. Makes us obsolete. It sounds like this guy was road testing this dildo. You know, like how you, you know, use a steak knife to cut through a tin can just to prove how powerful it is.

I have three kids, so of course I subscribe to Consumer Reports, and I look forward to that one every year. The dildo road test. Sure, yeah. Because you can't know unless you have the know-how, you get the breadth of product,

you bring a little bit of science to the table and a lot of fairness. It sounds like, yeah, this whatever brand this was the guy saw, sounds like you could, you know, take some solace in knowing that you could really get down on that thing. Yeah. If it can survive a car ride in, you know, whatever town this was in. Do you think this could be the new truck balls? I was going to say that if he saw some truck nuts, he would never be calling into the show. Right. But that's

weirder because where's that rod? Yeah. Sure, yeah. I mean, I see the nuts. Yes. That's a more interesting story in a way. This is just a complete set. Yeah. And hey, I'd love to see a truck vagina.

One day. Yeah. One someday. Vaginas are strong. Can we? Thank you. At long last. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Anyway, then we will finally have achieved equality once we see the truck vagina. And we can just wrap this whole American experience up. And in the same way, those Kappa mudflaps with the silhouettes of the babes. Right. I want to see some dudes on there. A man languishing with a full erection. Yeah.

And like realistic looking guys. You know? Right. Not like too big. Yeah. Not like too muscular or anything. Not like it would embarrass us. Yes.

Like normal looking guys. I think it should be the dude who's driving the truck. Yeah. His silhouette. So you get like a scanner and a 3D printer. We could go to the county fair. Any man who's driving a truck with a silhouette woman mud flap, the other mud flap should have to be him. Yeah.

I like that. And then you can drive up on him a little faster and look in the window and he's like, hey. the other mud flap should have to be him. Yeah. I like that. And then you can drive up on him a little faster and look in the window and he's like, hey, that's me. Yep. Full erection. You know, in a way, that's really sweet, I think. Yeah.

Because it kind of celebrates just kind of the diversity of the human body. Oh, yeah. They're all beautiful. All of them. I think so, too. That's why I use Dove Brain Soap.

Sure. Because the human body is diverse and beautiful. Yeah, that's... Yeah, that's... Real mud flaps have curves. Is what I say. I love my curvy mud flap.

206-984-4FUN is our telephone number. You can email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Sean Clemens, but you could call me the Clem Dog. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Sean Clemens, but you could call me the Clem Dog. Hey, man. Guys, what a pleasure and an honor it's been to have the two of you on our program. Oh, thank you. Two of the funniest, handsomest podcasters in America. If anybody has not heard Hollywood Handbook, Sean and Hayes' podcast, Jordan was on it recently. And yeah, like I said, so funny that I find it exhausting. Jesse, you were on, I would say, one of our, I mean, this is an open wound for me and Sean, but you were on one of our best received episodes ever with Tom Sharpling. I don't think I have ever been less confident that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing correctly on the episode.

I mean, I feel I've known Tom Sharpling for 15 years. And I consider him a good friend and I really care about him. And I'm 100% never sure where I stand with him in any given conversation. Yeah. And I think the premise of that episode that I was on was that Tom was co-hosting a new show with your engineer. It was like the third episode we'd done with him,

and the narrative we had for him was that we were going to help him kind of give his career, like his podcasting career, a boost, and we were planning new shows for him to do. And this was him launching a pilot with our engineer, and you were the guest. The other notable thing about this episode, which was given several like best episode of the year awards not just for our show for all podcasts is that sean was not on it at the

time it was the only episode i had not appeared on we did the show for what it was sure about two years i mean it was like the second year it was in existence. Yeah, something like that. And so, you know, we'd made a hundred or so episodes, and it was the only one I wasn't there for, and it was the only one to receive any kind of attention, positive attention. There had been a few that had received negative attention because you'd acted out. That's right. What were you going to ask? Would you say that the world is paying for it to this day for liking that episode?

That's true, yes. I would say that I'm forever damaged by that experience. Tom booked me on that show. He did. He did. Tom was serving as the producer of your show in his capacity as guest on the show. He did. Yeah, he did. Tom was serving as the producer of your show in his capacity as guest on the show. Yeah, that was the premise, I guess. But it sort of blurred with he went ahead and sent that email. Yeah, look, I'll show up wherever Tom tells me to. Yeah, I knew you guys were brilliantly

funny. Jordan had been on your show by then. And it was been very, very funny, funny episode. But it truly is. I mean, I'm I am absolutely sincere in saying that it is absolutely one of the funniest things there is. Thank you. Yeah, I will say, you guys did a very special episode recently from Comic-Con. And I won't say too much about it, but it is easily the hardest i have laughed at media this year is that episode so i think if you are not familiar with hollywood handbook listen to a couple apps and then get into that comic-con episode but if you kind of know the deal with the show jump right to that it's better to have a little bit of content yes yes i think i need to know that one is not behind a paywall

the comic-con episode yeah we're really trying to get people deep in that and behind a paywall, the Comic-Con episode. Yeah. We're really trying to get people deep in that, behind that paywall with a Jesse episode. Sure, yeah. And you have a recent episode too, Jordan, where we talked about Bubble that I don't really want to push too hard because that one is very free. Sure. Can I also say, like, I think a lot of people who heard this story about Sean at the pet store will want to avoid episodes with Sean in them.

I'm in most of them, but there are some without me, and it always makes me upset. The one, in fact... There is an episode coming out soon that I wasn't there for the recording of, and I may have melted down a little bit about not being involved in the episode.

Fair. Did you get involved in the episode. Fair. Fair. Did you get involved in a spiral? Yeah. Yeah. Still. Still in something of a shame spiral. It's 2018 still.

I acted out and... You've been scolded. Yes. So he's got a lot of time to get it all out of his system. You seem pretty torqued about it even now. I think it's hard to find a balance between – I am proud of the show. I think it's something fun and funny that we made. It is.

I like it. I agree. I agree 100 percent. And so I want to be able to take some comfort and pride in having made something that is fun and funny without being so wrapped up in it that when an episode I'm not involved in gets attention, it destroys me. Right. Sure. Right. And that's too invested. So there's got to be sort of a healthy distance. I feel the opposite, which is I am so relieved when something that I have my name on can just sort of proceed and be appreciated without me having to do anything. You got to fly. Yeah. I mean, that's the most amazing feeling. I mean, you guys are just a typical comedy pair, a pants guy and a shorts guy. That's right.

A guy who is mad and a guy who's not mad. Sean, here's my advice to you. Please. Because, you know, every so often I'm out of town. Maybe I'm up in my cabin losing my child and locking my child into the house. And Jordan will do a show here without me. There was a recent one. Yeah.

He'll bring in some heavy hitters. Uh-oh. He'll bring in some Bud Light Limeritas. Oh, wow. And, you know, when the goose is away, the gander plays. When you say Bud Light Limeritas and heavy hitters, it makes me think the heavy hitter is like some kind of vape. Right. Yeah, it's just a vape with a fat like some kind of vape. Right.

Yeah, it's just a vape with a fat tank. A big vape with a gravity bong, yeah. Yeah, just a fucking blocky ass. Yeah. One of those really- When you really want to- You don't want to hit it. You want to hit it.

Fun thing you can do if somebody has those big vapes is you can pretend to answer a call on it. That's fun. And they leave it out on the table. Works with bananas, too. So it's only you that's ever out of town, it sounds like. Yeah, and I think that universally in our audience, which is a broad, diverse audience, everything from Edwidge Danticat to Wallace Shawn. They all prefer a Jesse-less episode.

And they'll let me know. But at the end of the day, you know, at the end of the day, I bought the microphones. Right. Sure. So it doesn't matter what John Cameron Mitchell thinks. Oh. That's what Cameron Mitchell thinks. The woman from the CBC having real sex.

That's what happened to that John Cameron Mitchell movie. Oh, Short Bus? Yeah. I haven't seen it. I'd like to. I thought it was okay. Okay. I enjoyed it fine.

I'm going to get in there. Yeah. I'm going to watch it. Yeah. I don't think it fine. I'm going to get in there. Yeah. I'm going to watch it. Yeah. I don't think it's streaming anyway. So that's my recommendation to you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I did not buy the microphone, so I don't have quite the same, but I get the concept.

It's worth spending the thousand bucks. You got the mics. You're all set. You bring those in. What can they say to you? You set up the introductory email with the guy who bought the microphones. That's right. Scott Aukerman.

Yeah. So there you go. I don't know anyone who even owns microphones. So that's something. It's your show. That's just a hot tip. Okay. You don't have to do it my way, but your way is not working.

You don't have to do it my way, but your way is not working. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He's on the boards this week. You can join us on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo, at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris. You guys are tweeterers. Yeah. You guys want to share your Twitter handles? Mine is at Hayes Davenport. And then mine is actually at Sean Clements. Yeah. You guys want to share your Twitter handles? Mine is at Hayes Davenport.

And then mine is actually at Sean Clements. Okay, so the both of you guys are really throwing some curveballs here. Engineers, when they get shouted out, think about this, Brian. You know how when they would always throw to DJ Scribble on a show, they would do like... Or Crab Scratch. Yes, if the engineer should just do a little flourish of effects. Of engineering. Yes. Just a little flourish of effects. Of engineering. Yeah. Just a little bit of engineering.

Sean was pretty stoked about saying it was a crab scratch. He and I shared a little moment. Yeah, Jesse and I. We're both pretty into turntablism. Yeah. We were briefly in the invisible scratch pickles. Forget it, man. Yeah, that was a lifetime ago.

You got the juice now. We're into podcasting now. Mm-hmm. So you can join us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can join us on Facebook in the Maximum Fun group or by liking Jordan Jesse Go. You can listen to all of Jordan's smash hit podcast, Bubble. Sure can. On demand right now via a new type of media consumption a lot of young people are really into called jeweling.

Just jewel the whole thing. Just jewel one episode after the other. You don't have to wait. For new jewels. Jewel it on down. Yeah, you can do it one after another. Just fortnight it right up your. Wait, wait, wait.

Now, jewel is definitely a vape. So this is a podcast that you can consume through vapor. Vapor, yes, exactly. Got it. It also stars Jewel, which is confusing. Yeah, that is. But we loved her story. The van in Alaska is just like...

Unbelievable. Totally amazing, and her poetry is really beautiful. It also comes in flavors. Coconut. Yeah. Just coconut, actually. Our motto is the podcast that blows fat clouds. Sure.

Oh, new car. We're also getting new car flavor. The taste. The taste of a new car. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Okay, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.