Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 547: Squirrel Nut Zitters with Guy Branum

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

Comedian, writer, and host Guy Branum joins Jordan and Jesse for some fruit talk including the riskiness of stone fruits and the appeal of jazz apples, a warning concerning the dangers of a recreational Ricola cough drop as a gateway to more powerful cough drops, and a meditation on the anachronistic popularity of the song Stacey's Mom. Plus, Guy has a new memoir out called My Life as a Goddess. Get Guy's new book here!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Swimming themed garb for you today, Jordan. Yes, listen, wanted to change, here's my plan. Yeah. Afternoon record.

Yeah. Took my car in to get service. We're in here on a weekday like this was our job. Yeah. Punch in, punch out. Mm-hmm. Lunchbox. Sure.

Whistle blows. Yeah. Safety foreman. Yeah. Killing some sheep. I'm thinking of those old Warner Brothers cartoons. Oh, wow. I don't think it's used on any sheep get killed.

Wait. Was there an old Warner Brothers cartoon about an abattoir? So the punch in, punch out makes me think of those old Warner Brothers cartoons about the wolf and the sheep dog. You know, and it's like, hey, Sam, hey, Frank. And they both punch in and then go to their respective corners. Okay. You know. Got it.

And, you know, the natural order is. I thought there was like a Warner Brothers cartoon set in a sausage factory. Like an actual literal sausage factory. Right. Yeah. Wait. Hold on, guy. Sorry.

No one even knows who you are yet. that you heard earlier was our close friend, the host of Maximum Fun's own Pop Rocket, the host of television's talk show, The Game Show, and now the author of the brilliant and hilarious memoir, My Life as a Goddess.

The one, the only, the man, the myth, the legend, the hardest working man in show business, soul brother number one, Guy Branum. Just let me know when you'd like me to come and put the cape on you, Guy. I thought I remembered something that involved a sausage factory, but I think it was probably

just an itchy and scratchy. So I'm wearing a t-shirt for my swim team. Yeah. Shout out to Golden Road Aquatics. Wow. Are we buzz marketing Golden Road Brewery on here? Well, they're a sponsorship of my swim team. You know what?

While I'm out, I'll buzz market the Verdugo Aquatic Center out there in Burbank. If you're looking to swim on Verdugo, you can do no better than the Verdugo Aquatic Center. Wow. I was going to swim on Coahuenga. No. You're going to want to head to Verdugo. Got it. Nice water aerobics class there for older gals.

Sure. Anyway, so this is- My mom used to go to the water aerobics pool. She called it Flippers. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, I headed to Flippers, she would say. So before we came here, I had to go get my car to get it worked on. Oh, wow.

Just, you know, regularly scheduled maintenance. Nothing's wrong. You take care of your car. I do. You got to keep it on the road as long as possible. It's got to last me. I'm not doing well. If this fucking car breaks down, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Comedians, we buy, don't lease. Right. Yes. Yes. I don't know what I'm going to do. Comedians, we buy, don't lease. Right. Yes.

Yes. And I was assuming that how my day was going to work out. I was going to get this scheduled maintenance, have time to run home and change into something that wouldn't get me shit on this podcast. Right. But I didn't. It took a little longer. So, yeah, I'm wearing my fucking swim team T-shirt and flip flops in the podcast. I'm defensive about it already.

I haven't shit on you at all. Guy, do you remember? Did you shit on Jordan at all? No. It makes me feel breezier and lighter seeing you in such summery wear. Oh, thanks. I'm roping it into my summer theme of hot positive. Yeah, Jordan is hot positive.

He likes to try and live a lifestyle that embraces the heat of summer. That's ridiculous. Last night we recorded Pop Rocket and, like like Margaret and Karen were both doing late summer. Like just all efficiency, none of the fun. Like shorts but in dark colors. Margaret was in a t-shirt dress. It was cute but it was like give me some of the romance of summer, please. Right.

Yeah. I think that's fair. I mean you want a little bit of the Tuscan sun, the low Tuscan sun in late summer. Yes. You want a golden haze around everything, not a dark color headed for autumn. Because as I was saying last night, I think Pop Rocket, as we sort of wind towards declaring the song of the summer, my summer jam, it really makes me excited for late summer. That and, of course, peach season. You don't have to tell me about peach season. I ate one of those fuzzy fuckers yesterday,

and it was a dream. How was it? Oh, gorgeous. Buying stone fruits is always dangerous, except during this magical period of time. I've been having a nice time with jazz apples lately. Oh, I had a jazz apple that was tremendous. Finally, we're back

to fruit talk. This is my area of expertise. We had a very controversial apple tasting at the Mindy Project writers' room. Oh, boy. We got ourselves a jazz,

we got ourselves a Honeycrisp, and we got ourselves a Fuji. And, like, jazz took it, and I was really betting on the Honeycrisp. You know, I was very surprised at how much I like that jazz apple. You know what I like the best, though?

Size and roundness? No. That's what I like. I think holdability, you're not getting any better than a jazz. Roundness, I don't think they get rounder. Show me a rounder apple. I was going to say that I like a little apple. I like a little flavorful apple.

Oh, that's very old school of you. Like a heritage breed. Hey, I don't need your work, UC Davis. I'll go. But as a representative of California's Central Valley, I must say eating apples in the late summer is preposterous. Why on earth would you do that? Sure. You have a death wish or something.

Yeah, you're going to want to wait for that cold snap. Exactly. Exactly. This is, you know, you should be romancing your stone fruits. Um, that's really good.

That's really good. Isn't that just a chapter in your book? God, it really is. I have, I have a footnote where I say every meaningful event of the first 17 years of my life occurred in front of a member of genus Prunus. Your almonds, your peaches, your apricots. You know what my favorite chapter in your book is, Guy?

What? Are you there, Gord? It's me, Margaret. So this t-shirt. Yeah. So our swim team is sponsored by a craft brewery. I get it. I get it.

And this t-shirt has a hashtag on the back, which I'm still figuring out. So the t-shirt on the back says hashtag, you should see us swim when we're sober. Uh-huh. Which I don't under, and who under... Are people using that hashtag? Is that a useful hashtag? Here's the thing. We have done shows at breweries. Yes.

More than one. Sure. We've done more than one different brewery here in Los Angeles we've worked with. There's some great operations around here. They're so wonderful, so glad that you've got people there to drink their beers. Yeah. But there's one thing that they tell you. Do not make any jokes about irresponsible drinking.

Sure. That's like the one rule. It is a hard and fast rule. You're not allowed to make jokes about irresponsible drinking. And as far as censorship goes, I'm comfortable with that. That's fine. That's perfectly reasonable. They want people to stay safe. Intravenous drug use, they're fine with that. That's fine. That's perfectly reasonable. They want people to stay safe.

Intravenous drug use, they're fine with. Yours is drowning theme. Yes. This is the slogan of the team, and it's essentially drowning. I don't think anyone there is swimming drunk. The pool is actually far away from the brewery. It's a long drive. What constitutes sponsorship in this context? Do they just provide

a sixer every time you get out there? I have a key chain fob, which gets me 15% off at the Old Golden Road Brewery. And I'll acknowledge the irony of the thing I do for fitness, getting me a discount on beer and a really nice pulled pork sandwich. Ooh, good soft pretzel too there. Good soft pretzel. I love a soft pretzel. That's balanced. That's real temperance.

Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I think that's kind of how the sponsorship goes. I don't know how that is beneficial for them, but I'm talking about it. You've been on this tattooed swim team for quite some time. Yes. Are you competing against local high schools uh

well i mean i'm slashing their tires stealing their mascots yeah yeah do you compete against weho aquatics no i would love to compete against weho aquatics um it's surprising to me like i mean i i would to be fair i've swam at the weho pool yeah and i have seen the men who swim at the WeHo pool. They would fucking destroy us. They would fucking, it would be such a not a contest. Yeah. Is WeHo Aquatics a team of sleek dolphin-like homosexual men?

Largely, yes. But I honestly wonder, one of my really good friends is on the water polo team, but they also have just like a swim team. And I feel like they only do it to give them an excuse to get naked and have fundraisers. Because they're always just like. No one has been asking me to come to any naked fundraisers. Water polo is the sport that intimidates me. I mean, you were a high school football player guy. I think football is somewhat intimidating.

Yes. But water polo, which it's like the only sport that encourages genital violence. Yeah. Like where it's not just tolerated, but it's like a central part of the identity of a water poloer. Like there's two things. I can tread water for longer than you and I will go for your nuts. I like what Water Polo says about the tax base of your high school. It means a lot of lawyer dads. And I like anything that Hungary is still the best in the world at.

Yeah. I do support. I am a big enthusiast at any Olympic sport marginal enough to not be dominated by the United States. Team handball, I don't know what it is. I don't know how it works, but I'm glad that there's things where

Czechs are like, this is what we do in Czechoslovakia. It's our gift to the world. The first time, I think it was like 88, that I saw the full list and saw all of those things that we don't tell-ifies. I was like, what's the story here? And the answer is. What's this curling? We're bad at it.

Yeah. Curling. It's so satisfying to watch. I wish they would show it more. Like, it's just so wonderful. I have. Yeah, I was. I was in a bar that was showing curling during the Olympics.

And it was – I don't – I've never really got what people talk about when they talk about ASMR. But I was pretty close when I was watching curling. It definitely had a soothing kind of, you know, what's that drug they give you when you have a wisdom tooth out? Yeah, sure. That. That one where before they give it to you, they say, we're giving you that Michael Jackson shit? No.

This is like a painkiller. This is like an opiate that you would get addicted to. Anyway, it's like having a little half one of those, like breaking off a half before you chill out for the night. That was like how I felt during the curling. Those brushing sounds. Yeah. Their occasional sort of like directions to each other.

Yes. The polite directions to each other. They're so nice. Yes. Well, I mean, the fact that Canadians dominate like gives you that extra bit of sort of like mutual respect. Right. The fact that they're folding towels and explaining what they're doing as they do it. And bringing this corner to here. And bringing this corner to here.

And bringing this corner to here. Is that just ASMR videos? I think it's both. Okay. I think, yeah. You guys, I like a tiny cooking video. I like a nice, it's soft speech. And it is generally like sort of like two inch by four inch little stoves.

What? I've never heard of this. It's wonderful. Tiny stoves? A candle heating a tiny, tiny little pot of oil to make just one little tempura shrimp. What? Like, it's wonderful.

Is it a shrimp-sized shrimp? It's not a shrimp-sized shrimp. I have never researched how she got her tiny little shrimp. Did it still have the tail on it? It did. It was like a perfect – it can be any number. Is this like veal shrimp? Is it a baby?

Like it's any number of things, but it's just like tiny cooking. I know that Mark Zuckerberg was brought in front of Congress to talk about Russia meddling in the election and the problem of fake news. Yes. and the problem of fake news. Yes. I would prefer if he were brought in front of Congress to talk about how his algorithms discovered things that apparently we wanted that I didn't want to know that we wanted. Like, you know, one of the biggest types of Instagram user,

as I understand it, is pimple popping. Yes. And that's the grossest thing in the world. Yeah, it sucks. I understand completely why people want to look at it. I'm not casting aspersions upon those who subscribe to those channels because I get it innately. But that's an innate part of myself that I did not want to have to recognize.

Oh, so you enjoy the pimple popping videos. I don't look at the pimple popping videos. Because you know you would enjoy it. I'm not a pimple popping daddy. Oh, so you enjoy the pimple popping videos. I don't look at the pimple popping videos. Because you know you would enjoy it. I'm not a pimple popping daddy. Sure, yeah. You were in a different swing revival band.

I am worried that if I looked even at one, I would go for the subscribe button and all of a sudden I would be really into it. Sure. And that's not something

I want to do with my life. He was in the Squirrel Nut Zitters. Show's over. Let's go. We're going the fuck home. But I feel like all online video content, doubly so on Instagram where it's reduced to a small section of nonsense, but also on YouTube to some extent, is just an algorithm that figured out something that we want

that we should have never figured out we wanted. Well, I think it's interesting. When will we get sated? With some of these things, I think there will come a point where we're like, I'm good. Like, you know, like many... I'm going to go watch Mad Men. Yeah.

I mean, God, will there come a time when we just like return to scripted, I mean, scripted comedy? Will it ever have a moment again? No, I'm pretty sure it's just cute boys pulling pranks. Oh, God. One time I was at the Grove and there were these like super hot guys. So I sat outside so I could look at them. And then I realized that they were beginning to like set up some shitty prank. And I was like,

all right, I'm done now. Oh, wow. That's a, that's a, that's a big turnoff. You became not attracted to them anymore.

Pranking. Yes. I mean, it's like, like the, it would be bad if they were just like sad little boys who were, and these people were like 25. That's what I mean by little boys. Sure. But like if they were just sad people who boys who were, and these people were like 25, that's what I mean by little boys.

But like, if they were just sad people who were like, this is my angle. But it's even worse if they have 2 million followers and are like famous worldwide. Yeah. That is the kind of the rub of the like internet idiot, the like

that class of person is that they are all, I mean part of their thing is how hot they are and you can you know and you you you dislike what they're doing but also you have to feel a little bit attracted to them which i don't like what's happened to our vine stars right what has happened to all of those people who were living at that like building on vine that's what i was about to say what I imagine that it's like in a fantasy novel when over the period of one year, a castle becomes decrepit.

Magic has left it. There was a rose with one final petal that fell to the ground. In the apartment building they all lived in. I hate to break it to you guys. They're actually living on Verdugo now. Oh, wow. I had been looking for them on Coinga.

No, no, no. Verdugo. That's where you'll find all your washed up vine stars. Got it. The valley is a magical place. One time I was at Republic of Pi and I had gone there to do work. And I just heard people around me having worse problems than they would have if they lived in L.A. It was just like some people were like planning to have an improv group.

And there was a guy talking about like the fantasy series he wanted to write. And I was like, if you guys just moved three miles away, you would have that improv group. Someone who has a – like my house has bats in it. You're like, why? How? But Guy Branum, you are sitting here with us today on the precipice of a truly remarkable and indulgent experience in the world of the San Fernando Valley. That's very true. You are about to go across the street.

There is a comedy theater across the street, wonderful comedy theater across the street called Dynasty Typewriter. And you're about to go across the street and do a corporate show for a pornography company. That is true. Me, Lisa Trager, Debra DiGiovanni, and then a couple of other comedians.

Debra DiGiovanni a big Max Fun favorite regular guest on Stop Podcasting I mean an amazing comedian Bob the Drag Queen who if you guys aren't familiar with Bob super funny he's one of those guys who wears clown makeup and sings songs on YouTube right?

yes but like Bob is an astoundingly talented drag queen who won RuPaul's Drag Race season eight, I want to say. Got it. But yeah, I have to do seven minutes of original material roasting the porn community. But, you know, but nicely. Yeah, you can't refer to broken lives and broken dreams. Right.

Yeah, that's a tightrope i would imagine it is and another thing is like it's also straight porn so i'm not that familiar with it like gay porn i know the ins and outs if you know what i mean i do but you just have a joke on your card and it's like, when you lady porn stars are leaving the military and you're out on leave. Right. I actually did go do some research for this to understand what things were. And there were some aspects of things that just never crossed my mind. Yeah. That is a – this is – I mean when we're talking about the algorithms finding things in people's brains that should not have been found, if you go on one of the porn tube

websites, one of the websites that serve porn videos and the top things, the things that show up when you click on most viewed or something, I've heard, have gone from like uncomfortable 10 years ago to genuinely distressing now. Is that the only type of pornography left? Incest and white guys being humiliated because black guys are having sex with their wives? Is that the only things that turn straight people on anymore? The amount of stepmom, stepdad stuff was really surprising to me. It's so weird. Who wants it? Okay. Can I tell you about my favorite gay porn premise yes usually we don't have premises a lot of the time it's just a guy explaining to you that

like a couple of guys explaining to you that they are straight and then having sex with each other like we do yes how often just when i'm talking to my bros explain how i'm straight i just love there's just a few a brief opinions about inside inside the NFL and then they go to town. Credentials must be presented. And like the closest thing. We're not nuts about the new Star Wars movies. And then it's on. Well, I mean, one of the things I saw when I was looking at the straight porn was POV porn.

And I realized like that just for straight guys, it makes a lot of sense that you get to be like, oh, yeah, that is my dick. Sure. We're like for a gay guy. No, you want to see all of the things. Sure. But. Oh, but there were periodically we do some with sort of like a story or an arc or whatever. I'll say that I don't and I don't mean to, you know, cast a generalization.

Yeah. Far be it for me. I mean, the world's a beautiful quilt. Yeah. Made up of manyization. Yeah. Far be it from me. I mean, the world's a beautiful quilt. Yes. Made up of many patches. Yeah. I would assume perhaps straight guys own more VR headsets. And again, I'm sure there are a lot of gay and queer VR enthusiasts out there.

Absolutely. And more power to them playing games or whatever. But yes, I would assume that maybe... We do tend to budget more for shoes and ketamine. Are there VR pornographic games? Like Leisure Suit Larry? I don't know. That's hilarious.

I don't really want to do any kind of VR, gaming or pornographic or otherwise. You know what the main type of VR that I'm into is? It's where you're buying a ticket to the baseball game and you can like move your phone around and see the view from that seat. Oh, that's neat. I'm into that. I want to visit ruins in China or go through a house that just went on the market. Oh. to visit ruins in China or go through a house that just went on the market.

But, okay, so there was a series that were done that were just different places in LA. And, like, all of them were themed to whatever place you were in LA. And the only one I remember is Burbank. Would you guys like to speculate at all what was happening in the Burbank porn? Okay. I'm going to say just a hot transaction at a model train store. Oh, I can't pay for this tiny conductor. How will I? I presume that it would include someone who's doing like an impression of,

like in the Dana Carvey sense like an impression of like in the in the in the dana carvey sense and impression something that captures the essence more than reflects of drew carrie um it was uh uh six foot four muscly top casting director uh and twink who's reading for a part. Okay. And then that just immediately descends into, like, fucking on top of a table. And I just loved this, like, it was a power dynamic I could understand. Teacher, student, that is distant from my world. Right. Like, young man who wants to be on, like, get a guest spot on Two Broke Girls. Like, that I can really understand.

But you make an amazing point, Jesse. Jordan, I'm sorry. That is super racist. Whatever your name is. Sure. It's the second time I have done that in three appearances on this show. That's okay. It happens to me with guests on this show and also with lovers.

But the point of the- That's actually the only genre of porn i watch is where the women call me jordan podcast cucking oh yeah mark maron your show's so popular i like to watch that's great interviews but the number of hobby stores in the Valley reflecting the nice stable incomes of like union grips on studio sitcoms. Somebody who likes – a guy who likes to get things right. Yes. Who likes efficiency and clarity in their work. Yes.

And it really is – I love any time I need to go pick up a 20-sided die or a small figurine to be used in the course of role-playing, understanding that the Valley is going to take care of me. Right. Do you have Warhammer needs? Yes. The Valley will help you with those needs. I love, and I think this is,

this actually came up when you weren't here with Mara Wilson, who is a big Burbank advocate. And I will always mention the fact that I love driving around in Burbank and seeing the many model train stores. It really warms my heart. It's like this is, you know, this is – it's great that this place exists. Model airplanes as well. That's true.

That's true. I'm sorry. Well, it's also that thing of of living in the valley, you have children and a life. People come to LA to burn bright and not long. If you go back to Ohio, you become a regular on a

CW series or you die and there's just no other options. I think years ago, two, three years ago, we had Matt Myra on the show. And Matt Myra is a model train enthusiast. He loves model trains. He has a model train set up.

I am shocked by this revelation. I know. And this lifestyle is so immensely appealing. And also I genuinely like the idea of making little towns and choosing different trains to do different things and switching tracks. I have – I am so, so far from the amount of patience it would require to even begin to have that hobby that it is completely off the table for me. But I feel like as a menswear professional, you can only have one little knickknack thing in your life. And there are just so many cufflinks and tie pins.

Stick pins. They just sort of like emanate from your being. Rings, bracelets. And are tossed about the MaxFun headquarters. Yeah. That like if we got little people into this. Little tiny depotes. Yeah.

I guess antiques and collectibles would be my area of... Yeah, that's fair. And I guess when you have a model train set, you don't... Like, I have the Put This On Shop online, putthisonshop.com. But I... And that is my, like, outdoor. So I have an indoor and an outdoor. I always know that if I start to become choked by my collection of objects,

I can put some of them for sale. And that is very meaningful. And that's not something that I could do if I were into building things out of Lego, necessarily. I just want to talk to the guy, the Burbank resident, who prefers one model train store to the other one.

Like, thinks one of them is bullshit. Do you think they have rival swim teams? God, I hope so. Yeah, maybe I need to jump ship and start swimming for, you know, the Burbank Ollaboards. I mean, I will say this for model train stores and the model train hobby. Great opportunity to wear an engineer cap. It's true. Sure.

I think, guy, you'd look nice in a hickory striped overall. Oh, I thought you were going to say cap. Overall, absolutely. I'm not built for hats. But you knew that already. You're a menswear professional. You would look great in a nice hickory stripe engineer cap. No.

That's what I would say if I saw you dressed like that. But overall is delightful. I'm the world's biggest three-year-olds. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I was just trying like a new inflection.

I liked it. That was sort of that time. Oh, okay. So that part I don't like. Okay. The new, that intro was good. It was fun. Kind of like the guy on the local news who maybe like reports from the like, you know,

animal adoption fair or something. That's the vibe I was getting. What if I do like a laugh from a song? You know, like, or like, no, I like that. Yeah. The Grandmaster Flash one. Yes. Okay, good.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, hey, ha, ha! Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, heyo. Oh, God. I don't got anything. I got nothing. Let's just tell people who's supporting our show this week. Of course, every week.

Every week, it's all the MaxFun members who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. That's who pays the bills. This week, also, our friends at HelloFresh, the meal kit delivery service that delivers your favorite recipes and ingredients. So you can just cook, eat, and then what, Jordan? Then enjoy. Enjoy. Hello, is it fresh you're looking for? Our famous jingle.

Our famous illegal jingle that is sure to get us and the company sued. What if we wrote a letter? What if we wrote a letter? What if we wrote a letter? It was really heartfelt. I think it might be easier to get Nicole Richie's address and ask her to pass it along. To her famous father. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, I mean, I think that'd be great. I mean, I know Nicole loves the show and loves it when we do parody jingles for our sponsors. We'll write to her, care of the unjustly canceled sitcom, Great News. Right, sure. And see how it goes.

I think that'd be great. Hey, what does HelloFresh do? Well, here's what they do. They offer three plans, classic, veggie, and family. They give you a box that's made up of fresh, responsibly obtained ingredients. And then you can make dinner without having to spend a ton of money on takeout. It's an easy night's meal, and you don't have to worry about having the right ingredients

because they are all there in the box. I've cooked with HelloFresh a lot, and I really, really like it. Can I tell you what I like about this service? For me, I like to cook, so the cooking isn't the problem for me. And I don't mind grocery shopping. That's not the problem for me. The problem for me is like I get home at the end of my work day and I know that I have to cook for my wife and children and self. And I just think, I don't remember what I meant to cook. Like, I don't know what I was supposed to. And like, I'm in the grocery store. I'm like, I don't know what I need. What goes in chili I don't know what I was supposed to. And like, I'm in the grocery store.

I'm like, I don't know what I need. What goes in chili? Yeah, there's no way. What goes in chili? And so it's really great to reach into the fridge. There's a HelloFresh meal there. It's all portioned and set up and ready to go. And I just cook that.

Yeah, it takes around 30 minutes. They are delicious. They're filling and they're less than $10 per serving. Yeah, $20 off your first three boxes for a total of $60 off. They're filling, and they're less than $10 per serving. Yeah. $20 off your first three boxes for a total of $60 off. Visit HelloFresh.com slash JJGo60 and enter the promo code JJGo60. That's HelloFresh.com slash JJGo60 and the promo code JJGo60. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Stitch Fix.

When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. Ha ha ha ha. Do you think Nicole Richie can help us clear that one too? Yeah, I think so. Here's what Stitch Fix is. It's an online personal styling service. You go to stitchfix.com slash JJGo. You tell them your size and your preferences,

and your personal stylist will send you a hand-picked five items right to your door, and you only keep what you like. So you just go to stitchfix.com slash JJGO. You type in extra large, looking for shaved, 420 friendly. Hold on. I think that's a different set of preferences. Okay. Different set of preferences.

These are like more style preferences, fashion preferences. You know, do you have a, does your office dress up? Is it more casual? It says here that Stitch Fix is no drama. That's true. You know what? I will say because the returns are convenient and free, I would consider this service no drama. There's no subscription required.

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Stitchfix.com slash JJGO. And guess what, Jordan? Got something on the Jumbotron. Yeah, a little message from a listener. You can join in on the Jumbotrons, by the way, at MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Girl in the Background is the debut album of Tilly and the Flowers,

10 pop songs for loners you can sing along to or simply glower at the stranger across the room while you listen to it on your headphones. Get it on cassette, CD, or digital download at tillyandtheflowers.bandcamp.com That's tillyandtheflowers.bandcamp.com Cassette, CD, digital download.

Whatever format you like that is one of those three. I think Tilly and the Flowers would probably dub a mini disc for you. Oh, yeah? You're not going to get a commercially produced mini disc, but if you just want a quick dub. Sure. You know, they'll dub it off for you. I'm sure they got the stuff.

Yeah, reel-to-reel. They probably got a reel-to-reel deck. That Tilly HQ. Yeah. Video disc. Mm-hmm. What other formats are there? Laser disc?

Laser disc. That's some kind of... Maybe is that digital? Is that like a digital version? Laser disc? Laser disc. That's some kind of... Maybe is that digital? Is that like a digital version of video disc? Yeah. So maybe you can have the Tilly and the Flowers album over those cuts of Star Wars everyone prefers. Yeah.

If you want to get on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be right back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. World's largest three-year-old, Guy Branum. Oshkosh bagosh, guys here. Wanted to say that when you were talking about overalls. Sorry I went to the break before you could say oshkosh bagosh, guys here. That's okay.

We got more show. We should probably get one of those producer, host, computer-based talkback systems, typing things. So if Guy said, I'm the world's largest three-year-old, then you could type to me, want to say, Oshkosh bagosh, Guy is here. Then I would type back, sounds great, we'll set you up. Sure. And then I'll say, well, Guy's here, or whatever is necessary to set up Oshkosh Pagosh. Can I just say, as a member of the Maximum Fun family,

I've always been missing a cough button. I always felt this booth, where's my cough button? Sure. And cough drops, there's no cough drops in here. There's no Ricola? What if you just want a Ricola?

Yesterday there was a dandelion and burdock cough drop out on the table. It was very nice. Oh. Just the one? No, there was like a little bottle of themdock cough drop out on the table it was very nice oh just the one no there was like a little bottle of them oh that's nice you know I like a cough drop even when I don't have a cough I don't know if I'm

if that's bad for me but I like to just have a recall every now and then my mom is a woman who would when I was a kid would occasionally go through excessive food interests. And so, like, we didn't really, like, we didn't, it was not, like, emotionally freighted.

We weren't allowed to have bad foods. But just my mom has pretty good eating habits in general. And we wouldn't have a lot of, like, weird crap, food crap around the house. And also, like, especially when I was younger, the only grocery store within walking distance, we didn't have a car, and the only grocery store within walking distance was, like, a natural food store.

So there was, like, not that much, you know, wheat thins to be bought there at the time. But my mom would occasionally get interested in something. So, like, there was a period where her friend

got a Costco membership and she would go with him and get a giant thing of Cheez-Its. There was a period where she would buy one of those five-pound bags of gummy bears and she was really, she was and is really into atomic fireballs. She would buy like a thousand atomic fireballs

at once or something. Like we never had dessert. Like there was never ice cream in the house, but like a giant bag of atomic fireballs. I never could participate in the challenge candies as a kid. I had a delicate palate. I couldn't do Warheads. I couldn't do fireballs.

I couldn't do- Our generation was all about the excessively sour candy. Sure, yeah. Guy, did you- I hate the entire school of what I refer to as junior high candy. Sure, sure, sure. That's a fair description. Yeah. Anything that comes's a fair description.

Yeah. Yeah. Anything that comes in a vial. Yes. By the way, I'm glad that you've been in this situation enough that you have a special phrase that you use to describe that. You're like, in the future, this is going to come up again. I'm going to need to have a pithy phrase to describe this category. No, I just remember being stunned by how fascinated and consumed

they all were with this thing, where it's like, where's a nice chocolate? What about a shortbread? How about just one foot of bubble tape? Yeah! That's plenty of bubble tape. Can it be for you and them? There was a period where my mom... That was her slogan. Six feet of bubble tape for you, not them.

Yeah, well, there was a period where my mom would bring home this kind of, like, not them. Yeah, well, there was a period where my mom would bring home this kind of, like, jug of Ricolas, like, made out of that kind of foil-lined cardboard, though. You know what I'm talking about? And then it had the most wonderful lid. Like, the sense memory that I have is it had this yellow plastic lid that went, like, fit into the top

and had an interior rim that you used to pull it and open it. And it was great because it was a lot of Ricolas and it made me love the taste of a Ricola. I will gladly eat a recreational Ricola at any time. And then go... To feel the Ricola juices

in your mouth? Or the Ricola particles, I guess. Recreational Ricola, fine. But if you're taking a has for no reason, like I worry for your health, I think that you're imbalancing yourself in some way. Halls are powerful. Respect that. Right. Yeah, I think one Halls. The Ricola is a gateway drop.

You know, it's like you do a couple Ricola and then you think you're invincible. One Halls is as much menthol as an entire entire pack of cools sure it's not good for your health the way i see it a ricola is just an essentialization of all the herbs and like home remedies of switzerland right where a halls is powerful industrial runoff from like a small town in New Jersey. And it's just got the power to blast away your sickness. What a Ricola is doing is it is simulating what happens when you put your mouth around the business end of an Alpenhorn. And when a skilled player will blow those Alpen particles into your mouth. Which incidentally is my favorite genre of gay porn. So here's the

thing. When you open a Ricola, it comes in a little wrapper, little waxed wrapper, and then it has a second little waxed paper wrapper around it. And it's a very nice sense experience to pull apart the ends, open it up, and then pull that little wax wrapper that goes

around the outside of the Ricola, pop it in your mouth, pull that little wax wrapper that goes around the outside of the Ricola, pop it in your mouth, get your lips on that Alpenhorn. Sure. In the jug, they're just all in there together and they're stuck basically into one giant clump. Like they did not do anything to individualize the Ricolas to keep them from sticking to each other. To go back to Costco candies.

Yeah. Now, I'll say that phenomenon you're describing is certainly a negative when it comes to Ricola, but a positive when it comes to the Costco gummy bear. That's true. You can get a gummy bear loaf when it's like just a, just you press them, they're pressed together, and you can just take a bite like it was a little sandwich.

I feel like this is- That is so fucking great. This is something we covered in the first year of Jordan and Jessica. In 2007, you and me ate from a bag of gummy bears that my mom had mailed to me, but had melted in the mail into one giant brick. We just took munches off it like we were eating an apple. I was going to say, oh man, the show was bad back then, but it ain't much better.

Not the same. Not the same. I feel like my Costco candy, and it's not because it's necessarily good, is that $5 jug of Red Vines. Sure. Which, you know, you guys work in show business, so every craft services table has that. Maybe you've soured on it by this point. I don't.

I've never left them. I like two of those a year. I like as many red vines a year as I like candy corn. I would never buy red vines. I would never choose red vines. And I will occasionally choose a Twizzler. For some reason, a Twizzler is my airplane candy. But if you put that jug of red vines in front of me, I will, with great happiness in my heart, eat them one after another continuously like I was chain-smoking red vines until the entire jug is empty.

Like I have no off switch for eating red vines for some reason. Guy, of all of your showbiz jobs, which one has had the most impressive snacks? That's a really great question. The Mindy Project was great for a number of reasons. Like, we had fine stuff there, but we had this writer's PA who was an empath and could understand Like Deanna Troi from Star Trek? Exactly like Deanna Troi from Star Trek. He could sense your needs before

you had them. And so he would just periodically arrive with like so hey I baked cookies for everyone or it's a little cold outside so here's some hot cider. I know you haven't thought about Entenmann's for years, but they popped into your head today and I stopped off. It's exactly that.

And he's a great guy who's a very funny writer and is now a writer's assistant. But I am a little bit like, if capitalism were real, this being your amazing skill set, why can't you be a magnate of writers PA-ing? Because he's the best. Maybe they could put him into a bath, like a solution, and hook a bunch of wires up to him. That Tom Cruise movie about future crimes? Minority Report. I just assumed you were talking about those fucking robot guys from Battlestar Galactica that are in the tubs. Oh, I haven't watched that show. Well, he's got these fucking robot guys. Battlestar Galactica that are in the tubs. Oh, I don't know.

I haven't watched that show. Well, he's got these fucking robot guys. Here's the thing. These sound like similar sci-fi guys. You can't even tell if one of these guys is a robot guy or not. That's part of what's so tricky about it. Okay? But some of them are super robot guys, and they're in these glug tubs full of goo, and

guess what they're doing? They're getting you antemons and whatever. There you go. That's my memory of it. It's been a while since that show was on. If we could hook this snack man up to some sort of supercomputer and just he could be in a suspended state of living death. Yeah. It would be a kind of hell.

Some of them are hot chicks and some of them are double talkers. What? Like clever double talkers. Not double talkers like Sid Caesar on your show of shows. Are you talking about the robot men? Yeah.

Oh, OK. Yeah. Some of them are some of them are trying to trick you with their fancy words. Some of them are hot babes. And President Laura Roslin is just barely holding it all

together. Guys, I haven't seen it. Oh, boy. Don't worry, Jordan. Edward James Olmos is there. Oh, good. I was beginning to worry. Edward James Olmos is there. Oh, good. I was beginning to worry. Yeah.

So satisfying. Yeah. Did it lead us into the world of prestige television that is destroying us today? I wonder. That's an interesting question. Mad Men probably more did that. I would think that there would be – I would love to watch – so my feelings about that – God, I shouldn't share my feelings about that show because it can only alienate people. But I really liked it at the beginning and then I kind of lost my –

Absolutely. I wasn't into it after a while. But like the idea of like cool, fun genre shows that are also good is like all I want to watch. Like I don't have enough affection for genre to watch genre shows that aren't that good. Yeah. I know that some people do and more power to you. There are shows that have been on the CW for 17 years for that reason. Yeah.

But like for me, that's not what I want. But I would like if Star Trek The Next Generation was on now and was as good as Mad Men, it would be like my greatest dream television show. Yeah. The Star Trek that we have is not that. Yeah. I hear it's okay, but not great. It's okay, but not great. My niece started watching Supernatural,

which is the CW show that has been on for 17 years. God bless it. And I was a little bit like, do you really want to do that? I think that bought our friend Jane Espenson seven homes in Burbank, probably at this point. Wonderful. Yeah, God bless her. Guy, when you

became more of a boss of a TV show, talk show, the game show, did you have some say as to what the snack situation was like? I had absolutely no say, but one of the things that happened, I mean, when we were in our writing period, we could sort of say what we wanted is craft services and then they wouldn't have it because it's barely a TV show.

But, like, during production, we had, like, sweet craft services and, like, a person who made, like, a hot breakfast and, like, a hot snack at lunch. I like that. I like that hot snack. But more importantly – It's my favorite genre of street porn. Oh, hot snack. Cool. But more importantly – It's my favorite genre of street porn.

Oh, hot snack. Cool. They had the real maple syrup sandwich cookies from Trader Joe's. And when I saw them – I have not had these. Well, they're extremely expensive. That's the thing that's most important is when I saw them, I was like, no, those are expensive. You know why?

They're tapping mapes and stacking papes. Yeah. That was loud even for one of my laughs, but also you need to send that to the Quebec Ministry of Commerce. Oh, I'm way ahead of you. Way ahead of you. I got a letter in to the governor of Vermont. We need to talk to these young people. Yeah.

Get on their level, eh? One time I did a show at the University of New Hampshire, and then I went to a quarry and smoked pot with four students. And there was this one boy who was just talking about how like his dad's friend had a maple orchard. And they just barely do any work. They just ride around in snowmobiles and set up taps during the late winter. And then they make like 50 grand a year. And he really was like essentially saying, uh, tap,

make stack. Wow. Did you ever see the, uh, HBO, uh, sex prestige program, how to make it in America?

Cause that's what it was about. Sure. It was just Louis Guzman doing that. It was created by a guy I worked with at G4. Like this one guy who did promos, who always had shoes that were far too good for the job that he had. Like it was always like fucking Ian Edelman. He's got them shoes. And then when I found out he had created prestige television for HBO, I was like, I'm not surprised.

Yeah, you got to find the right project for Lake Bell and you're all set. He's very talented. Yeah, so anyway, Jordan, when something momentous happens to you, like, let's say, the time that I went to Jordan Jesse Go listener Jenny's house and got to check out her maple shack. Yeah, that's right. She has a shack on her property for boiling maple syrup, and I got to press the buttons.

It wasn't maple season. There wasn't any syrup in there. But I got to kind of pretend like when you're a kid that gets put onto the seat of a piece of construction equipment. Yes. Yeah. Call us 206-984-4FUN for our segment Momentous Occasions or voice memo that shit. Email it to us at JJGoAtatmaximumfun.org. Here's our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and Chris Fairbank. This is Avi from Alameda, where the nuclear vessels are.

Calling for the Momentous Occasions. Hold on. Pause this. Alameda, where the nuclear weapons are. Try Alameda, where the Alameda flea market is. I think he was saying Wessels in reference to Star Trek IV, the voyage home. Oh, yeah, he sure did.

Yes. Yeah, that was a Star Trek IV reference. Yes. Sorry. I guess I've been a little slow today. I haven't been thinking as quickly as I had in the past. You should have seen me. I was trying to call up my notes on my laptop for an interview I did earlier today with W. Kamau Bell.

It was just me holding the mouse and going, hello, computer. Hello. That delivery of computer is so good. Yeah. Star Trek 4 is the best Star Trek thing. Yep. They all do great at broad comedy. All those guys.

It's kind of weird, actually. Yeah. Should we listen to the, now that we've figured out the Star Trek reference, should we listen to the rest of the call? Thanks, Jordan. Where the nuclear vessels are. Calling in with a momentous occasion. Earlier today, I got to hold and take a selfie with the actual best picture best animated picture Academy Award

for Shrek. A lot heavier than it looks on TV, I guess. Bye. Huh. Shrek won an Academy Award? Apparently. Shrek? Shrek. Huh. You would have thought Shrek 2. You would have. That's the best Shrek.

Yeah. I have no opinions I've seen of Shrek. I've never seen a Shrek. Huh. You would have thought Shrek 2. You would have. That's the best Shrek. Yeah. I have no opinions. I've never seen a Shrek. Yeah. I bet Shreks are pretty fun. I feel like I've seen a Shrek. I've seen, I think, only the first Shrek, but it was really good. I mean, it was Mike Myers before the Guru, and we would all like to capture that in a model.

Sure, a pre-Guru Myers. And also Cameron Diaz. I mean, she's been delivering for 20 years now. Like, Fiona was an amazing character. Guy, this is really your... I feel like Cameron Diaz is so much deeper into your area of expertise than mine that I would defer to any Cameron Diaz opinion that you had. Like, I can't even name a Cameron Diaz movie right now. Charlie's Angels Full Throttle?

Okay. I saw Charlie's Angels 2? That's Full Throttle. Is that the one that has Tom Green in it for no reason? And he's driving a boat? But he was married to Drew Barrymore at the time, wasn't he? Oh, that makes a ton of sense. You know, I think Shrek did win Best Animated Feature, but also won Best Original Song.

And that is how Smash Mouth got their first step on E! Got It. Oh, my God. That songwriting Oscar. That was too long a run to say that. Anyway, sorry. But that songwriting Oscar is amazing. It is. It's given us so much. Oh songwriting Oscar. That was too long a run to say that. Anyway, sorry. But that songwriting Oscar is amazing. It is. It's given us so much.

Oh, I know. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't, you have to get other things. Like, they would not be an EGOT had they not also written the music for Fun Home. Right, sure. Yes. You also have to get a Tony. Yeah, it has that kind of, yeah, right. Bouncy.

Elaine Strick. Pop reggae. If it weren't for the work they did on Elaine Strick's last cabaret show, they wouldn't have a Tony. Right, right. It's not just winning an Oscar. And, of course, their Grammy is for best spoken word album, so they read their audio book. Yeah. So funny.

Yeah, my life in the mouth. Liner notes. Yeah. They have a liner notes Grammy uh let's take our next call hi jj go me and my dad have always had a little bit of trouble communicating with each other and today uh he learned to text just to send me i love you times a million dad um and he told me that it took him 45 minutes to learn how to text that, and that's just so nice.

It's really momentous. I love you guys. Bye. We love you, too. That was very emotionally intense. It's more emotional intensity than I'm used to in my life. Can I tell you? So intimate.

When she told us this beautiful story about, like, learning that her father actually does love her which is something that i'm a million that i can really relate to like i know you know like i have an emotionally troubled father as well and um you know so do you jordan i i can't i actually i know about your father and yes you also do i got a chapter in the book as detailed in your book my life is a goddess um but i do have to say that as she was describing her father having trouble sending that text message what i was picturing was him holding a mouse and saying hello computer right computer do heart emoji it's funny because it took him 45 minutes to

send that text but in five minutes he taught someone how to make transparent aluminum. Do your guys' parents text? My mom texts. My dad at this point is pretty confused about most things. So he's not a big texter. I think he has lost his phone many times and maybe no longer has it. Not sure.

But my mom texts, but her phone, she says, doesn't get pictures. Doesn't get, sure. And she has a smartphone. I'm not sure what's going on there. I think maybe she has one of those wireless plans

that you sign up for at a booth outside City Hall. You know what I mean? Like where they're like, free cell phone, free cell phone. And she just has a lot of squares with question marks in them that come up. Yeah, exactly. Right. Pretty much.

Guy, are your parents texters? Debbie Branham does not text. She uses the internet exclusively to go to Macy's on Tuesdays. Okay. And that's pretty much it. Just goes to the Macy's website? Like Macy's and JCPenney's websites. Apparently they have sales that's on Tuesdays. Okay. And that's pretty much it. Just goes to the Macy's website? Like, Macy's and JCPenney's websites, apparently they have sales

that are on Tuesdays. Oh, I didn't know that. That's a hot tip. She does that. Sort of like the super king near my house, the grocery store. Yes.

Like, I like having that boundary of just sort of like, she's never going to have an opinion on Facebook. It's always weird when like, a couple of friends' moms like are my friend on Facebook. And I'm like, what am I not supposed to say because Ryan's mom is here? Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah. I could see that going real wrong for Ryan's mom. Yeah. Guy, you're not a shy man about explicit detail from time to time. That's true. Yeah. And that might make Ryan's mom uncomfortable. But you know what, guy?

From my perspective, that's Ryan's mom's problem. Yeah, that's her hang up. Get with the times. Come on, Ryan's mom. Welcome to the 90s. Now, you know who's got it going on, in my opinion? Stacey's mom. Stacey's mom, sure.

That's such a good song. I love that song so much. Isn't that weird that that had a moment when it was a hit song? Like, it was so anachronistic from everything else. Like, here's this. Like, it was weird. But then nothing else like it became popular. I don't know.

It's like a song from, like, six years before when it became a hit, right? Well, gosh, what is it? I mean, it's kind of like a cheap trick song or something. And I think it kind of came right. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. It kind of came like, boy, what was happening when Stacy's mom was happening? Like we were just getting bored of like the strokes.

And I feel like it was like the era of like Stained. Like that was what a hit rock song was when that song came out right maybe it was maybe it was pre-strokes and like rap rock was starting to die anyways and like here's this moog thing moog what do you call those beep boops well you know what here's something interesting an experience that i had the other day so i interviewed uh eccentric soul legend Swamp Dog. Swamp Dog himself is not that eccentric, but his music is quite eccentric. And he's an older man these days. This will be on an upcoming Bullseye.

And he came with a friend, a helper, who drove him. He doesn't drive on the freeway. So a friend of his drove, and his name was Moogstar. Moogstar pronounces it Moogstar. Huh. So if you're going straight to Moogstar, he's going to tell you Moogstar. But if you go to Moog, who invented the Moog, he's going to tell you it's Moog. Well, let's call the whole thing off.

I say GIF. Oh, yeah. Right. That's what that keyboard sound is. GIF. GIF is a peanut butter. Gif is a peanut butter. Gif is a fucking peanut butter. Can I ask you guys a really serious question?

This is a hot issue on the internet that I was looking at today. And we don't usually like to get into hot internet issues. We try and- Don't like it. Try and focus on Waluigi porn. You know, the important stuff about the internet? Like Princess Daisy and Waluigi. Oh, yeah. I mean, such beautiful icons.hmm. You know, the important stuff about the internet? Like Princess Daisy and Waluigi. Oh, yeah.

I mean, such beautiful icons. Right. You know? Yeah. And also there's just something transgressive because the man is evil. Yeah. No, it's absolutely true. We're not talking about Luigi here.

No. Right. Imagine how Luigi feels with Waluigi. But why does it, I mean, but you're just queered from the narrative so many times. Like, it's not, it's always Mario's story, but what about Luigi? But what about Wario?

But what about Waluigi? But also, I'm saying Princess Daisy is the story we're not telling. I'm sorry. Right, no, there's a princess out there who has something to say. Something beyond wah, which is all Waluigi has to say. But you know what?

Classic, classic, a guy's classic perspective, especially in a narrative like this. Yeah. Waluigi feels like everyone wants to hear him say wah. Right, exactly. Like no matter what the context is, he's perfectly comfortable putting wah out there. He's wah-splaining to all of us. Sure. What was I talking about, though?

Controversy on the internet. This is how Wah Luigi isn't in Smash. Hashtag JJGo, hashtag WahLuigi4Smash. You had a surprising volume of tweets with that hashtag, Jordan. You really instigated a movement there. Well, this is a movement.

No, this is not mine. I am not. I am jumping on the Waluigi for Smash train. I mean, you might as well be grape nuts the way you've instigated a movement. Right, exactly. A nice, firm movement. No, no, this is something that is going on that I am stumping for. I mean, again, I know we don't really have big political opinions.

We try not to be too topical on this show. People like that. That's why we avoid it. But it's insane that Waluigi isn't in Smash. I mean, I'm glad Simon Belmont's in there. King K. Rool, sure. But I mean, give the people what they want. Waluigi for Smash. Sorry. Go ahead, Jesse. So here's my question to both of you. And this is really a lifestyle question. Right. As much as it is an internet question. How do you feel about mayonnaise?

Oh, gosh. Oh, the thing that millennials have destroyed recently. Yeah. I like it. I love it. I think it's a great, I mean, you know, oh, boy. You know, I had a mayonnaise experience recently. Really?

From time to time. Mm-hmm. I'll smoke a little pot. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'll smoke a little pot. You want to have a little snack. Mm-hmm. Really? fucking brain and I know it and now you guys know it and you're fucked you're all fucked because it's so good it's so good it it's amazing how good it is and you're and I'm fucked it's over I that's all I want now I just want that that is what I eat that's what I eat it's all I eat uh-huh and it's all I'm fucked man can you imagine if they started serving that at Golden Road? Oh, my gosh.

10% off from your farm? Give me a nice hoppy stout. Uh-huh. Mayonnaise and barbecue chips. You should see him swim when he's not bloated from mayonnaise on chips. So, yes, I really like mayonnaise. There are two people in my life, my brother john and my brother-in-law dan and they both hate mayonnaise opposed to it mortally okay like the way that people talk about cilantro who

get the soap taste when they eat cilantro like as though it were the single worst thing in the world. And again, like, for these people, these are two general American whites. It's not for cultural reasons. They both come from mayonnaise-positive communities. Yeah. But they both hate it violently.

Guy, where do you stand? I think it has an important place. My mom is a great sandwich craftsperson. And mayonnaise as point of tang is an important counterpoint in the work that she's doing. That said... You can't be a musician if you don't have all the notes. Exactly. That said, one time...

It's about the spread she's not using. There are no spreads she's not using. Even a tapenade? But one time I was at Hipster Deli in Portland, and I was very excited because Hipster Delis are really revitalizing Jewish American cuisine or Eastern European cuisine in America, which has been moribund. I will talk some shit out of Cantor's or whatever. Not Langer's, though. Not Langer's.

Langer's is wonderful. Okay. Thank God. Because Kevin, my producer on Bullseye, Kevin Ferguson, he was down in the lobby of this very building, which is mere steps from Langer's Delicatessen, America's greatest pastrami restaurant. Yeah. And he saw someone from a meal delivery service bringing canters into the building.

What the fuck? I know. It was so baffling. Anyway, that's really specific. Sorry for anyone who doesn't live in our neighborhood. Go ahead, Guy. The point is I was at Hipster Deli, which is playing fast and loose with the rules, but I appreciate that. And a waitress said to me after I ordered a pastrami sandwich, would you like mayonnaise on that?

And I started to say, can I talk to your manager? I did not. I did not. I think here's the thing about mayonnaise. You got to juice it up a little bit. The sandwich sometimes the tang is central. And I don't dispute that appeal of the mayonnaise. But sometimes a sandwich needs

a little juicing up. And if your central ingredients are not juicy enough, if there's not a fat element in there, and you're going to need to have an unmelted cheese. Yeah, exactly. You just need a little something to, you need to add a little lugubriousness to your sandwich. And I do think that there's a whole world of class conversation around the way we treat mayonnaise. Because everybody will sort of, like, ankles in the air for an aioli. But if it's just, you know, a standard—

It's my favorite category of straight porn. Hashtag JJ Go, hashtag ankles in the air for an aioli. But, like, when it comes to just, like— Why not ankles in the air for a smash? Sure. But like when it comes to just like. Why not ankles in the air for a smash? Sure. Like I just think we are a little bit unfair to a best foods, which does so much good work.

It brings out the best. It's really, it's a solid, it's just a solid contributor and it adds an essential element to every sandwich, which is, you know, as Julia Child said, the fat carries the flavor. Yeah. The fat carries the flavor. The fat carries the flavor. Sort of a as Julia Child said, the fat carries the flavor. Yeah. The fat carries the flavor. The fat carries the flavor. Sort of a more Julia Child. I feel like you would be better at that than me, guy. I'm not really.

No. It was close. I saw. We almost got there. It was sort of like a Dana Carvey type thing. It really captured the essence more than reproducing the. It was sort of like a Dana Carvey type thing. It really captured the essence more than reproducing the... Do you remember in second grade where you had to make a list of instructions to do a thing?

They taught you how to do that. The first time I saw one of those that put butter on a sandwich, I was like, it was a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and they put butter on it in the instructions in a goddamn textbook. And it made me question all of my belief in books. Wait, butter in addition to peanut butter? Yes. Was it just butter, peanuts, and jam?

No. Oh, you know what? Sometimes I'll do that to toast in the morning. I'll put a little butter on it and a little peanut butter on it. A little butter and some peanut butter. That is toast. It is a different situation. I know.

I know. I'm just, okay. Toast has been dried. You're right. And heated. Sure. Yeah. It makes the butter go, butter goes into the crannies. Sure does. Not to mention the nooks. Uh-huh. To say nothing of it. Sure. Yeah. It makes the butter go into the crannies.

Sure does. Not to mention the nooks. Uh-huh. To say nothing of the nooks. Yeah. Hashtag nothing of the nooks. Too many hashtags for this episode. Hashtag feed in the air for aioli.

Yep. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Listen, we already know that you love genre movies, film craft, and female filmmakers. So if you love all those things, then by transitive property, you love my podcast, Switchblade Sisters. Hi, I'm film critic April Wolf. Every week I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their favorite genre film. Each episode covers the filmmaking process, working in the film industry, and just like general geeking out about awesome movies. I've had such great guests like the big sick writer Emily Gordon. To me, indie movies as of late have come to be a catch-all term for a movie that kind of defies genre.

Billy Madison and half-baked director Tamara Davis. When a comedian comes and enters onto my set, they're just there to be funny. And we're all ready and waiting for them to be funny. Horror industry veteran and actor Barbara Crampton. That's where real drama lies for me. What's between you and I speaking right now? Where are we meeting? And what's the energy that we create between us?

And so many others. So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. podcasts podcasts podcasts they're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this like this like this but let's face it all that smart stuff can be exhausting that's where stop podcasting yourself comes in it's so stupid it's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop podcasting yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes.

Or MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Guy Branum, your new memoir is called My Life as a Goddess. That is correct. It just hit bookstores. We're talking 10 days ago. Just hit bookstores, flying off of the shelves. I've seen several flying across Los Angeles. I thought, this is a hazard. Yeah, it's true. If people want the books, they want the books, and they're going to fly off the shelves. It's true.

And the audio book not having physical form is able to fly with less damage. Although that's how Dan Rather gets shot. If an audio book is flying through people's bodies and poisoning their insides. Yes. I don't understand this at all. This is like a thing that people who are mentally ill and chewed people say is that the information traveling through their bodies is. Oh. Yeah.

This is a reference to what's the frequency Kenneth. Yeah. Oh, okay. Pretty much. Yeah. That's all right. Sure. Yeah. Okay. This is a reference to what's the frequency Kenneth in somewhere? Oh, okay. Pretty much, yeah. That's all right. Sure. Yeah. Was that Dan Rather? That was, I think.

I think so. I don't know. Okay. About the guy who. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I don't know or I would have made a more specific reference. Yeah. I guess I remember as a kid, Dan Rather came on Letterman and sang that with REM.

Oh. Anyway. That's kind of fun. That is fun. Yeah. Anyway. That's kind of fun. That is fun. Yeah. Anyway. Guy Branum, do you have further book events? I know you've already done a few.

I am going this weekend. I don't know when this episode drops. This will be a week from the 10 days from now. So this weekend is out. So I will have already been in San Francisco and Petaluma plying my wares. What are you going to be doing in Petaluma just telling people you know Karen Kilgareth? I mean, pretty much.

I'm going to a bookstore, and then I think after that really focusing on the dairy and eggs production of the town. Or maybe see if you can find some teens who want to get high in a quarry. That sounded fun. That was a fun. Good option.

An alternative. Look, I mean, after a college show, you have to do something to entertain yourself. Hey, I agree. And if it involves some moxie soda and some weed, I'm going to say yes. Sure. You're getting to get in that quarry. I mean, you need the Moxie, too. You gotta juice it up a little.

Moxie soda is delightful. If you haven't had, like, it's just bitter enough to turn, like, your rum and coke, like, rum and coke, you're like, oh, that's too much. A fucking rum and Moxie. Rum and Moxie. That gentian is... What about a Moxie and coke? What about a Moxie and Coke?

I'm sure that the 11-year-olds of New England are really living that. I feel like a rum and Moxie is like the most complicated story about a vacation ever. Sure. Like toes in the sand, but it's the rocky beaches of Maine. Yeah, Like they were supposed to go down to the Caribbean to spark life back into this relationship. Yeah. But they missed that plane. Are you writing- Jimmy Buffett's Northeast cousin.

Yeah. There's an unsuccessful song called Rum and Moxie. Are you working as a writer on John Hodgman's next solo show? Is that what's going on here, guy? I think we are. Okay. Thank God. Or putting something really nice together for the

Hallmark Channel that Linda Holmes would really enjoy. Oh, yeah. God, I would love to do one thing that Linda Holmes enjoys. Yes. That's like my life's aspiration is just to do a thing that she approves of. She likes remembering Sports Night. Yeah, that's true.

We could always remember. We'll always have remembering Sports Night. Yes, we will always have remembering sports night. But Jesse, you as a human being would rather remember Studio 60. No. Not at all, guy. I'm a sports night man through and through. But Studio 60 was so bad. I know, but I have had the cult of Studio 60 is so bad you need to watch it sold. There are like Studio 60 is so bad i know but i have i i have i have had the cult of studio 60 is so bad you need to watch it

sold like there are there are like studio 60 is so bad it's good like zealots who will pin you against a wall and tell you you need to watch it it's so bad the jordan you're you're you're a television comedy variety writer okay like his view his hero's journey of how a comedy variety writer. Okay? Like, his view, his hero's journey of how a comedy variety TV show works is so grossly

misguided. It is magnificent. Okay. I have, I wish it was, if it was readily streaming somewhere, it would be

a little easier. Do I drop the 40 bucks and buy it on Amazon or whatever? Like, the important thing to understand is that it and 30 Rock came out the same year. Yes. One of them is goofball approach to the story. One is, like, self-serious approach to the story.

The sketches within their shows within a show are exactly the same level of bad. Okay. Like, the sketches. Yeah, I bet somebody put this on YouTube. I'll track it down. I'll give it a shot. Guy, I don't need Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I am not a comedy variety show writer.

Yes. I am a podcast dad, and I have Alex Inc. I have never seen Alex Inc. You had Alex Inc. It went away. I mean, I am grateful for the cultural work it did. People thought radio was boring, but he made it cool, I believe is the quote, if I'm remembering correctly. Like, I am.

Already that brilliant promo is fading in my memory. Like, I really hate the fact that everyone is just piling more fuel on this incineration of the half-hour comedy. I love half-hour comedies. I've been watching Schitt's Creek, which I'd never watched before. Oh, Schitt's Creek is real funny. It's uncomfortable to me how combination Eugene Levy-like and handsome Eugene Levy's son Dan is. Yes. Like he looks exactly like Gene Levy, but he's also very handsome at the same time.

Yes. Like, and also, like, there's also something so galling about the fact that, like, Canada being seven years behind on how America makes TV means they're still making good comedy shows. Boy. Yeah. We should get our asses to Canada, huh? Can we get some visas? But also, the other thing about that is like, hey, gay showrunner, your hot guys are actually hot.

The hot guys, he has a guy from 90210 playing a comedy role and doing it well. It's like, yes. Wait, what? There's a guy from 90210 on Schitt's Creek? Yes, from new 90210. New 90210. I thought you meant it was like Luke Perry or something. No. Though Luke Perry is on, he plays the dad on- He's on Supernatural.

No, he's on Sexy Archie. I believe he plays the dad on Sexy Archie. Oh, wow. I think that is one of the Sexy Archie deals. They're getting all your 90s throwback faves in there to play hot parents. There are all these guys on the San Francisco Giants baseball club. And I know you guys are both huge baseball fans. Yes. But there's all these guys on the San Francisco Giants baseball club who have the look of, first of all, they're baseball players, and baseball players are either – like unless they're notably weird looking, they have a strong-jawed handsomeness like a football quarterback. Yes.

But the Giants have a huge volume of kind of generic-looking white guys. But because they're also handsome, generic-looking white guys, it's like an entire baseball team of sexy Archie. Oh. Like, everyone on the team looks like a 30-year-old version of Archie. I do love that professional sports and, like, older gay producers just, like, pick them up when they're 24, let them go when they're 29, you know? Hopefully they don't roll an ankle okay okay okay guy branham's new book is called my life as a goddess uh guy is one

of the most brilliant and hilarious guys we are lucky to know and you should absolutely buy his book he also has a really uh he's had a he not only hilarious, but he's had a remarkable life that he is able to share with us in a moving way. If you don't buy it, just look in the back where Jesse Thorne is thanked, but not Jordan Morris. Let's be fair. No, that's okay. I didn't do a lot to help. If anything, I hindered the book. To be fair, when you thanked Jesse Thorne, you were actually talking about Jordan.

You just got the name wrong. Right, yes. That's true. That's true. A lot of people. But My Life as a Goddess is the name of the book. You should get it.

And also, if you want Guy's pop cultural insights, hit up Pop Rocket, baby. We've got a great episode about Crazy Rich Asians this week. What's the easiest way

to watch Talk Show, The Game Show? Because Talk Show, The Game Show is so fucking funny. Thank you. It is streaming on the True TV website.

There you go. So go to truetv.com and it's not just Guy. It's also beloved regular Jordan Jesse Go guest Karen Kogariff. So that's a double whammy of hilarity that you're not going to want to miss out on. I bet there's a lot of... I think there was... I remember a specific

episode of Talk Show the Game Show where all three contestants were beloved Jordan Jesse Goh regulars. Yeah. I was about to say, I was thinking like, I remember Dave Holmes was on. I'm trying to remember. Eliza Skinner's been on. Yeah.

There's definitely, if you like this show, there's lots of familiar faces on Talk Show the Game Show, even though on this show, you don't see anyone's face. Yeah. I mean, think of it like it's sort of like it's a lot like Impractical Jokers, I would say. Yes. Which is why it's on TruTV. Yeah. It's like Impractical Jokers for the me generation. Sure.

Is that a me thing? Yeah. What's the me generation? I don't remember. Something about yuppies in the 80s? Crystal Pepsi? Is that involved? Yeah. Crystal Pepsi? Is that involved? Crystal Pepsi's involved, I think.

What about that thing where Cindy Crawford is really hot, but she puts a Pepsi on her forehead and it helps cool her down? Yeah, that's that. That's the me generation? Yeah, that's true TV. Thank God. Daniel Baruela on the boards on this week's program. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez.

He'll be back another day. He just has to work. We're recording on a weekday. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can join us on Twitter with the hashtag LegsUpForAoli. Hashtag at JJGo and we'll see it. We always love to see. This week I saw our old Reddit friend

Lothreaper, who's now on Twitter I think exclusively to correspond with us. But Lothreaper posted a couple real nice Jordan Jesse go memes. Nice memes. Mine was about Stuart Wellington's crank and how symmetrical it is, which is

an insight that you shared, Jordan. I don't know for sure. I suspect. I presume is what we would say, right? We've never been in a YMCA change room with Stuart Wellington, but it seems like it would be pretty, right? Yeah. And Jordan's yours was another great thing that you said. I don't remember what it was.

But anyway, it was fun. Fun memes. And it was hashtag JJGo. You can also join us on Facebook in the MaxFun Facebook group where there's often a lively discussion. And by liking JordanJesseGo on Facebook where you will get our cool announcements. Like the announcement when stone fruit season is over. We'll let you know. Stop buying plums.

It's close. It's close. It's going to be all winter squashes pretty soon. Yep. Don't worry, folks. I'm right here to keep you posted on all the satsumas and cherimoyas you're going to be needing throughout the winter. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org.

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