Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 548: Deez Nuts Woof Woof with Ben Blacker

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

Writer and podcaster Ben Blacker joins Jordan and Jesse for a debate over what should be included in the holy trinity of dippin' sauces, a rundown of Ben's ambitious weekend including a birthday party talent show, and a new mystery from Jordan concerning his jocular swimming coach, and the discovery of a very important note from Jesse's wife that could change his life forever.  Plus, Ben has a new comic book coming out called Hex Wives!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris had a drink on an empty stomach. Oh no. Yeah. Jordan. Yeah.

You gotta have a few pretzels first. I tried! I ordered something! They never brought it! Oh no. Is that true? I ordered. I ordered something. They never brought it. Oh, no. Is that true? I ordered a basket of rings. Didn't get it. The drink came. Drank that.

So you haven't had dinner. No. You haven't had rings. No. You haven't had anything. I've had a drink. Oh, no. And it's sitting weird.

Oh, no. Yeah. Getting a little sloshy in there. I'm getting a little sloshy. My nose turned red. Oh, no. And it's sitting weird. Oh, no. Yeah. Getting a little sloshy in there. I'm getting a little sloshy. My nose turned red. Oh, no. I saw some pink elephants outside. I'm a real cartoon drunk.

Oh, no. I'm seeing little bubbles just pop around my eyes. Are there little birdies, little blue birdies flying around? I didn't get conked on the head. Okay. I'm drunk. Do you want me to eat you with this frying pan? That would be nice.

Thank you. Okay. Yeah. My mother-in-law already did a number with the rolling pin Wow It's not affected my comedy chops Do you mind if I bust you in the ass with this slapstick? What is a slapstick? It's like Punch and Judy carry around They hit each other with a slapstick

Popular puppets It's like one of those you know that musical instrument they give you in elementary school music class where it has a handle and then two little plastic cups that go clop clop clop on either side of a stick? Of a flat stick?

It's like that but with three sticks. So the two sticks stick out from the center stick and you hold the center stick. So when you whack it goes, it makes quite a racket. Yeah. Well, don't hit me with one. Now that I know what it is, I don't want to be hit with one. I think you asked me to earlier.

Oh, boy. I'm going to take your word for it. Why, I ought to. Because I am sloshed. Oh, boy. No, it's just that I feel weird. Was it a soft or a hard drink? I mean, it was a Guinness.

So, you know, four percent alcohol by volume. Not a not a particularly boozy beer, but that's 50 percent barley. Right. Yeah. It's like that's like having a beef and barley soup. It's actually when you order a Guinness now, you just get a wet loaf of bread. OK. Eat that with a knife and fork.

That's very nice. And then you headbutt someone over a soccer argument Did you have your drink with our guest today? I did Okay, should we introduce our guest? I'd love to Of course, Max Fun fans know him as the beloved, beloved, beloved host of Dead Pilot Society Podcast fans around the world know him for his show The Writer's Panel

Among other programs. Ben Blacker, what a joy to have you here. Thank you for having me here. I had a beef and barley soup, and it went right to my head. Wow. So you're going to have to excuse me. You know what I like, though? When they pour that beef and barley soup and you get that nice head.

Right. That nice thick head. Absolutely. On the beef and barley soup. Is there a word that is not quite poor, but for something that comes out a little chunkier? It's not really a poor. Gloop? Is this the subject of next week's writer's panel?

This is always the subtext. Are you feeling okay? Did you eat anything, Ben? No, I'm doing great. I wanted no part of those rings that never came. I just sat there and... I would have shared. Yeah,

I just watched him eat. We really ate this beer. Yeah, sure. Really like with a knife and fork. And I knew it was going to go bad when we waited and waited for those rings to come. There was a point where I think we just both realized they ain't coming. Yeah. Did you get charged for the rings? I did not get charged for the rings.

Okay. I'm a little surprised at that. I know. I was anticipating having to pay for the rings. And I was going to do it because I'm a doormat, and I just want to get out of every situation without having to argue about it. I maybe would have said, hey, can you throw them in a to-go container? Sure.

Thrown them in the car. Had some cold rings on the way home. Do you like to dip rings? Yeah. What are you dipping in? As many sauces as they'll give me. Hopefully you're getting a trio of dipping sauces. So you're hoping for what? First of all

hollandaise. Hollandaise. Brown gravy. What is the Holy Trinity? And country gravy. What's the Holy Trinity of dipping? I mean, you know, I think blue cheese, honey mustard, barbecue would be my three.

Oh yeah. For onion rings? Daddy. Blue cheese on anything mustard, barbecue would be my three. Oh, yeah. For onion rings? Daddy. Blue cheese on anything. Just like. Yeah. Yes, I know. I think appetizers are just a good blue cheese delivery service.

Sure. But, yeah, I'm not going to kick a ranch out of bed. I'm not going to kick a – what else? What else we got in the app in the like app dip space? Yeah. I mean, I was thinking ranch. I think that would be my preference, but there's probably a lot of people out there who are shaking their, I guess, Apple earbuds, yelling ketchup.

Well, ketchup should be on the table. Okay. I thought. That shouldn't be, that shouldn't be something, they shouldn't count that as a dip in sauce. That should just be. – they shouldn't count that as a dip in sauce. Sure. That should just be – It's a go with – If you're at a place that has apps, there should be a bottle of ketchup on the table, and I will gladly have some ketchup on the rings, but I don't want that to be presented to me like they're doing me a favor. What about Southwestern-style queso?

Sure, yeah. I'd take that on some rings. You're dipping an app in an app? Yeah. Absolutely. App on app. Wow. You haven't heard about the epidemic of app on app violence?

It's a scourge. I was in New York City this past week with our friend James from Minority Corner. He and I were hosting a podcast advertising event, which was a...

could not have been more challenging. And we went, I was like, we had to go to this party afterwards. And you had to take the gang from Stamps.com to a strip club. I want to tell you that I literally hung out with the gang from Stamps.com. Whoa!

Shout out to the gang from Stamps.com that gave me a Stamps.com t-shirt. They know how to party or what? Sponsor this show. Jesse paid for all those lap dances. I know. James and I had like a quiet interregnum between the event and the party. And I was, here's the thing.

You go up and you're doing humor for a group of people. This event was called the podcast up front this is like where podcast networks present their shows to possible advertisers and media buyers and they emailed a couple weeks ago said we need a host uh i said okay uh well can james do it with me that was the best decision I made. God bless him. He really saved my ass out there. And we realized that by the time we went on, they had been in this room,

with the exception of a lunch break, for like five hours, and they had like four hours to go. And yeah, they weren't, I would say they were more there to look at powerpoints than they were to enjoy our japes and jibes sure um but we really put a lot of effort into it and didn't get anything back was pretty exhausted decided to take a little break before the party so i could rebuild our social energy and uh we went to the Grand Central Station oyster bar,

which seemed to me at the time like the best place in the world to get a wedge salad. Okay. Failed. They just got a bunch of oysters there. Oh, boy. Yeah, there's 7,000 different kinds of seafood, but no wedge salads.

I was like, is there a salad section on this menu? I mean, I was ready to eat oysters as well, I want to be clear. seafood, but no wedge salads. I was like, is there a salad section on this menu? I mean, I was ready to eat oysters as well, I want to be clear. But I wanted a wedge salad. I wanted a nice iceberg wedge with a Roquefort cheese on top. I'll eat the shit out of that. That's a world-class thing that got invented in 1952. So you went out on the scene with no wedge in your tummy.

I know. So it was a disaster. It was just a bunch of little fishes in there. Yeah. Swimming around causing trouble. And the odd pearl. Yeah. I mean. You gotta eat those slowly.

You're gonna swallow a pearl. I can't guarantee there was a pearl in there. I'm gonna have to inspect my feces. Now, while we were having our drink. Yes. Ben, you did not have an alcoholic drink. You had a soft drink. I did.

And because you said that you were feeling a little queasy because you had done three things this week. I did three things and it overtaxed me. That's a lot of things, buddy. It overtaxed me this weekend. This being the third thing. Okay. You were anticipating this being exhausting. So by the time you got to that little drink with Jordan, you had done one thing per day for two days in a row.

Exactly. Can you imagine it? What are the activities in question? This morning, I'm going to, despite what we talked about. We're recording on a Sunday. Saturday was not. That was just a relaxation day. We'll get to it. Okay. Oh, wow. We're working backwards. We're recording on a Sunday. Yes. Saturday was not. That was just a relaxation day. We'll get to it.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. We're working backwards. We're going backwards. Okay. This memento situation. Well, this morning was unremarkable.

I had to go and meet my cousin who moved here to Los Angeles about a year ago for brunch. She and her new husband. Oh. This is my youngest cousin. Welcome to the neighborhood. He sounds cute. They both are. Yeah. They both are. Yeah.

They both are. A cute couple. They're adorable. God bless them. They were, but I had to talk a lot. Sure. They're not professional podcasters, which is weird. Oh, yeah.

Interesting that you socialize with people who aren't. I know. I try not to. I know. We had the exact same problem with the ad buyers. Oh, yeah. It was a tough audience. Yeah.

Nobody yes-anding. They'd been sitting at this restaurant for five hours, just wanted to look at PowerPoints. And last night, the night previous to this brunch, I went to a birthday party, and it was a lot of fun, but it was very loud.

So it was a lot of yelling at people. DJ, live band, what are you yelling over? There was canned music as well as a performance aspect to this birthday party. Punch and Judy? Is that who the performance was by? Wait, was this some kind of birthday party talent show? A little bit, yeah. Wow, that sounds terrible.

The birthday party for a friend who has a lot of talented friends himself. And they all sang some songs. They had an incredible band. It was a lot of fun. Wow. It was a lot of fun. That's some theater kid shit right there.

It absolutely is. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a birthday party once and on the invitation they said that there would be a live yacht rock band. And I was

not looking forward to this because that sounded like... No, you don't say. And I have a pretty forward to this because that sounded like – And I have a pretty high tolerance for theater kid shit, but that sounded like a degree of theater kid shit that I could not handle. Because of – I think to me the worst part of Yacht Rock is- The Yacht Rock? The aspects. Not at all. There's some Yacht Rock that I am perfectly-

I just interviewed Boz Skaggs the other day. Oh, so you're all in. I'm a big Boz Skaggs fan. Hall and Oates. I mean, I tend towards the R&B side of the Yacht Rock, but you know. But like the fig leaf of irony worn during the appreciation of Yacht Rock makes me feel crazy. I'm like, just like it or don't like it. I think it's all right.

Yeah. And I got in there and, you know, saw the band, captain hats on everybody, except for they had like there were backup singers who were wearing like, you know, you know, Navy, Naval, the boys are coming into port type outfits, which is anachronistic. Yacht Rocks came of age in the 80s, right? Like the early 80s. I guess like nautical though. I guess the unifying theory was nautical. And to be clear, as much as I've just come out against any veneer of irony when enjoying yacht rock, I do support the wearing of captain's hats. Sure, well, I mean. I'm not a monster.

These guys were doing it. Were they all the captain? I mean, that's my concern here. And so they were. You've got to have a bosun. What was the hierarchy of this band? I mean, it was anarchy. I didn't know who to report to.

As I understand it, and I don't know if it's the same as like a light R&B. I have a little more experience with light R&B, but a band needs one captain and one Tennille. Right, exactly. A lot of captains, not a lot of Tennilles. Okay, it's not always the way. Yeah, I know. I'm just a captain looking for a Tennille. And I saw them, and they were rocking out.

Jordan, is too many captains not enough Tennilles, the new politically appropriate version of the old saw? Do I? You'll need to explain that to me. Too many chiefs, not enough Indians would be the now culturally inappropriate, I think. Let's kick that out. If you feel like saying that, if your grandpa says that, tell him that he needs to replace it. We don't say that anymore.

So I started an eye roll when I saw it. Maybe started at the top. And I'm diagramming this for you guys. Started at the top and it's going around. Around three, four, six o'clock. Right about me looking at my nose. Two o'clock. I was like, whoops, this rules.

This rules. It was great. What a twist. It's such great party music. And yes, it is being done by boobs with a theater kid-like enthusiasm. It fucking works for that. It was so great. I enjoyed it so much based on how much I was dreading it.

Or the dread to enjoyment disparity was huge. Ben, you can back me up as the host of the writer's panel. But I think what was magical about that story was that eye roll gave it a ticking clock. It really did. That was Hitchcockian the way that unfolded. Oh, and someone in the band also saved my cat. My cat had gotten out and they got it for me.

Well, it's a Hollywood party. Exactly. It's a Hollywood party. Yeah, so, you know. Okay, so you had gone to eat with your cousin. Yes, I have time for one more. Attended a birthday party. And then this is... This is number three.

Thing three. Well, I watched two baseball games. Oh, wow. That's like four hours each. What are we talking about? We're talking about Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles. Dear God. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

You're making me sick. Yeah, you're probably a Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fan. San Diego Padres? I'll tell you what. Sacramento River Chats? I do enjoy Padres Stadium. Yeah, that's a nice guy right there on the ocean there. It's a beautiful stadium.

What a proud, how proud they must be every time they don those uniforms and head out into Petco Park. There are worse ones, though. Free kibble. That's true. I'm a Red Sox fan. Oh, good for you. Yeah, no, it's great for me.

Yeah, they're doing very well this year. I went to Petco Park and got a, it was on free chinchilla day. Don't say. Not even chinchilla bobblehead day? No, actual chinchilla that I still have to care for. They live for 60 years, apparently. Yeah, turned out to be a little sour-tempered, too. Yeah, I know.

Can I... Listen, I think a couple weeks on this show, I presented a mystery. Yeah. It did not go over well. Right. I have another one. Can I tell you...

I'm going to do this again. Can I tell you, in the spirit of your mystery, when I was at the podcast up front, I watched a promotional video for a new podcast, an upcoming true crime podcast. I don't know if you've heard of this genre of podcast. Oh, no. Do people like it? From what I understand, it's the only genre of podcast.

Anyway, the guy who created Bosch from the book series and television program Bosh. John Bosh. He's got a new podcast. Corona. I'm not sure. Yes. Right. It's about a hard-nosed detective's trip through the seven rings of hell.

It would be amazing. I would watch that. I would totally listen to that. Yeah. Bet I'll race you home to write that. It's just Lance Reddick from The Wire fighting some kind of gruesome hell beast. This is not a bad idea. This is gold.

Yeah, this rules. Let's pitch this to, I guess, David Letterman's new PBS show. No, but I didn't know he had that. No, he doesn't. Yeah. Anyway, what was I just saying a second ago? Let's pitch this. Okay, so I watched this promo for this.

And the one thing that the guy who created Bosh promised, eyes locked into the camera, he said, every season, one case, solved by the end of the season. And I was like, how could they promise that? Right. I think that the guy who created Bosch is murdering people. Oh, and then turning himself in. And then turning himself in at the end of the podcast. Or he pins it on somebody and he knows that it's going to go over.

Well, anyway, mine does not involve Bosch. Okay. It involves a joke. So now let me stop you. Please. Does it involve Klimt? I don't know who that is. Is involve Bosch. Okay. It involves a joke. So let me stop you. Please. Does it involve Klimt? I don't know who that is. Is that Bosch's friend?

You know Bosch and Klimt. Bosch and Klimt. Too many Bosches, not enough Klimts. Sure. I haven't worn Bosch bad Klimt. I stopped wearing Ray-Bans after Bosch and Klimt. Sold them to Luxottica. Exactly.

You couldn't do it anymore. Yeah. So you had this mystery a few weeks ago, and it didn't go over. So you want to do it again? Yeah, yeah. Another one. Another one. All right.

This one's worse. I just want to make sure. This one's less interesting. Just want to make sure I'm clear. I was presented a joke that I politely laughed at, and I don't get it. Okay. I want to maybe see if you guys can help me get the joke. I would like context for this joke.

Yeah, so I have a swim team that I'm part of. All right. I don't believe this at all. And it is led by a man. My lithe build doesn't convince you that... So it's led by a man who is good at yelling at you. He's good at yelling out what stroke to do, how fast to do it. He's like, get up what stroke to do. How fast to do it.

He's like, get up for the downstroke. Yes. Everybody, get up! Yeah. It's George Clinton. Yeah. He's good at yelling. He will occasionally try and make a joke and it

does not work. This is a nice man. He's lovely children that I've met on a couple of occasions. Good swimmers themselves. But I would describe his vibe as in his younger days probably played a bully in a surf movie. Got it. So lots of tats. I could just see him saying this beach is locals only and like really selling it.

Jordan, can I give you some just some life advice? Judge not a man by his words, but rather by the swimming of his children. Right, exactly. Based on the three things you have told us about this man. Yeah. He's good at yelling. Good at yelling. Has children.

Has children. And could have played a. Good at yelling. Has children. Has children. And could have played a bully in a surf movie. Yeah. I already know he's great at... Like 1987. I can tell he's great at jokes. You'd think so. You'd think so.

If I would say probably the single wittiest, cleverest, sharpest demographic category is surf dudes. Of course. Yeah. Now, wasn't this also Richard Pryor's background? It was. Yeah. They don't talk a lot about it.

To say nothing of. Right. You know, who loved to hang ten, the great Oscar Wilde. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, he had so many children. Yeah. That's how you knew he was funny.

PG Woodhouse in a tube. What's that called? A tube? A barrel? Sure. Yeah. These are parts of the wave. P.G. Woodhouse in a tube. What's that called? A tube? A barrel? Sure. Yeah. These are parts of the wave. Yeah.

Jeeves and Worcester were totally tubular. But Mark Twain actually got his name from an old surfing term. Yeah. Samuel Clemens. So he used to surf on the mighty base of Sip. Sure. Right. Exactly.

The number one surfing river. Yeah. So, OK. So something that he will yell periodically is halfway, halfway down and back, go halfway down and back. And this is the function of this is if, you know, one lane is done with something. There's, you know, various speeds of lane. So if, like, you know, the fast kids are done with something and the slow kids are not done, then, you know, he'll yell to the fast kids, go halfway down and back so that, you know, you don't cool down. Sure. So you, you know. They're being punished for being fast. They're being punished, yeah, with more swimming.

Yeah. But everybody there loves swimming, so it's a privilege. We love it. We love this stuff. Back, breast, fly, free. I knew you were a fly motherfucker. Yeah, that's right. I have a hard time with butterfly.

Yeah. Requires a lot of core strength that I do not have. Yeah. Anyway, I'm more of a breast motherfucker. I have a frankly struggle with standard. Yeah. I don't like to, struggle with standard. Yeah. I don't like to put my face in the water. Oh, it's scary.

Yeah. It's scary. You need to learn how to blow bubbles. Yeah. Have you learned how to blow bubbles? I blew bubbles once on the set of The Wire. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. He's a handsome man, a fun guy. Can he be in our Hell Cop show?

Yes. The entire cast of The Wire. Right. Yeah, it's just an alternate wire reality where someone opens up a portal, some runes, someone can find some runes. Love a rune. You know, Amy Ryan didn't have to come, but she did come. Yeah. And we appreciate it.

Absolutely. It's part of the Conjuring universe as well. Oh, cool. That'll bring people in. Can I ask you a question? Yes. come yeah we appreciate it absolutely it's part of the conjuring universe as well don't bring people in can i ask you a question yes you know about the house with the clock and its walls i've seen the billboard and i for some reason know that it was directed by eli roth um really yeah i did not know that uh my only real question about it jack black will have his eyes pulled out in this PG movie. My only real question about it is whether they intentionally gave Jack Black the hair and facial hair of like a late period Steven Seagal.

Oh, I didn't get that from it. I feel like I can't see it. I can't not see it looking at the billboard. Yeah. I can't picture it. Okay. Well, fair enough. But also, isn't a house with a clock in at the billboard. Yeah. I can't picture it. Okay. Well, fair enough. But also, isn't a house with a clock in its walls not unusual? Yeah.

Why are you naming your movie after that? The original title was Standard House. Right. And then people are like, this isn't really. Specificity here. They considered a house with a roof on top of its walls. Thought about that. A house with a roof on top of its walls. Thought about that. A house with a floor betwixt its walls.

Sure. But underneath. But underneath your feet. And then it was just called Location, Location, Location for a while. Yeah. Then they settled on the House with the Clock in its Walls. Great bit, everyone. Great bit.

Yeah. Hey, way to go. Good run. And some good viral marketing. Good run. It really is. Everybody, get out to see the house with the clock in its walls coming soon from Orion Pictures. They went bankrupt.

Anyway, so halfway down and back, the guy will say. Go halfway down and back. So this today, so a couple days ago, he yells, go halfway down and back. Pause. Thinks of something. Go halfway down and back. That's what she said. And then he did it again.

He said the same thing. Go halfway down and back. That's what she said. What is he talking about? Go halfway down and back. What is the sexual, what is she saying? It sounds unfulfilling. Yeah.

Halfway down. And back. And back. So if she's, maybe she's prone. She's lying down in a sexual situation. Oh, now I'm in. You're going halfway down. That's what that joke is about.

I don't know if you've ever heard someone say that's what she said. No, but I'm going to go back and relive all of those. To the hip or so. Yeah. And coming back up on top. Mm-hmm. Sexually. Sexually.

Yeah. Go halfway. Yeah. I mean, maybe that's it. I assumed it was an oral sex thing. Yeah. Go down, you know, going down. Going down.

But halfway down is around the navel probably, right? Sure. This is what I'm saying. Yeah. So what's around the corner from the navel? I don't know, but fudge is made.

Fudge is made. Yeah. Well, it's not exactly there. You're close to the fudge. I have to, when is your next swim practice? I'll probably go to-

Swim rehearsal. Swim rehearsal, yes. I'll probably rehearse tomorrow. Are you going to have a punch up session swim rehearsal? Swim rehearsal, yes. I'll probably rehearse tomorrow. Are you going to have a punch-up session before that? Right, yeah. We're bringing in – ah, shit. Who's the guy who writes for the Oscars?

Oh, yeah. Bruce Valanche. Bruce Valanche. Just say Blaine Kapach. Blaine Kapach. It would be great to get Blaine Kapach in there. Get Kapach in there. He's got a lot of pitches. He's got 500.

That's what she says. Sure does. Yeah. Would you punch up the setup or the pitch? That's a good point. What is that as the problem? I'm going to have to insist you follow up and ask him what he meant by that. I'm like, hey, man, I know I laughed at it politely while it happened.

It's been driving me fucking crazy. What did you mean? What did you mean? I haven't slept in a week. How do you fuck? How do you fuck, sir? I know you have two lovely children who are both strong swimmers. Yeah.

Anyway. I guess I would open with how do you fuck? Hi. Hi. You know me from class. I feel like if I knew someone. I'm the guy who doesn't do very well. If I knew someone who was super fit.

Yeah. I wouldn't want to ask them about their jokes. I wouldn't want to do any follow-up on their jokes. I feel like it could only lead to me being humiliated in some way. Could I say this in the hope that he listens to this podcast? And I – listen, I don't want to be the comedy police. I dropped out of Comedy Police Academy. I want – I know there are lots of young men who listen to this podcast.

You didn't get along with Michael Winslow. No. He was incessant with those noises. I couldn't concentrate. Had to leave. Like, hey, man, you don't have to be on all the time. Okay. Michael, my sister died.

Michael, your sister died. Oh, no. Wop, wop, wop, wop. See, this is quality comedy. Young men. That's what she said. Let's give it a break. Sure.

Yes. I mean, this is not a young man. This is an older man. Right. So I think he was maybe the last comedy thing he latched onto was that is what she said. That was the last time maybe he liked The Office

and did not understand that they were making fun of that character by making him say that. I think that is one of the strange lingering things from The American Office

is that dudes actually thought that was funny. Anyway. Here's my feeling about it. Please. I feel like I can't join Ben in criticizing him for saying that's what she said or in asking all young gentlemen to refrain from using that horny old joke construction.

Primarily because on this show a few months ago, I openly advocated for the return of Deez Nuts. You know what, though? Still funny. Oh, yeah. Still funny. Something works. It's got to, you know, it's fun to say. It's post-ironic.

You got to chew on Deez Nuts. Yeah. There you go. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Are you tired of trying to keep up with the news cycle? Is bad stuff happening too fast for you to process? Don't you wish there was an easy way to find out about only the most important info you need. Hi, we're Lisa and Emily. Why don't

you try our podcast, Baby Geniuses? On each episode of our podcast, we discuss a weird Wikipedia page such as Flatulence Humor, Clamato, Catalan Witches, Slippy, the Microsoft Office Helper, Death during Consensual Sex, and the Talking Mongoose. We ask each other stupid questions. If you got a packet with like 300 seeds in it, what kind of plant would you choose the seeds to be? That felt like you were assigned to ask me a question and there were certain words you weren't allowed to use. We talk about Martha Stewart, her pony, and other celebrity horse news. Ben Chunch. Every other week on Maximum Fun, Baby Geniuses. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Guys, I mentioned that I went to New York. I've been going through some pretty serious family stuff.

Do you guys mind if I talk about something that's pretty serious and family-oriented here? I insist. You guys are probably two of my best friends. Sure, yeah. Which one are you? Jordan, we've been working together for almost 20 years now. And Ben, I try and check together for almost 20 years now. And Ben, I try and check in with you every few months.

We've met several times. Your podcast. I went to New York the other day. And pretty crazy trip. Pretty tough trip. It's a wild town. The bars are open until 4. Yeah.

Have you heard that? Have people told you that? I missed a plane. Okay. Which I had never done before. Got in at 1 o'clock in the morning or something. Came home. Was changing into my pajamas. And I saw a note from my wife on my computer keyboard.

She was already asleep. And I just, I guess I knew that it was a lot to ask that I was going to New York for three days because, you know, I got three kids and all kinds of stuff going on at home and it's just tough. But I didn't know,

I had asked her and I just didn't know that it was going to engender a response like this. This is what it said. Please give Grace five boxes of pizza at 3 p.m. and go back to New York for three weeks. Then when you come home, when I'm asleep, draw a big nose on me. Then go to Hawaii for three years. Do all this or else. From Mommy.

So your wife has that famous handwriting, right? Yeah. That famously kind of intentionally childlike handwriting. She did the poster for that snowman movie. Oh, sure. Right. Yeah. Mr famously kind of intentionally childlike handwriting. Yeah, she actually did the poster for that snowman movie. Oh, sure. Right. Yeah. Mr. Police.

It was really good. It became a meme. Oh, I thought you meant Frozen. Oh, yeah. Does your wife have one? She did the poster for that, too. No kidding. Yeah.

Does your wife have- Kangaroo Jack, also. She's- Very good. Worked a lot. Yeah. Very good. I didn't realize she's in the industry.

Yeah. Does she have one of these Oliver Sacks diseases? Yeah, totally. She mistook herself for a hat. Well, Oliver Sacks is the best of us. Did you give Grace three boxes of pizza? I mean, my wife had asked me to. I would have run it by her, but she was asleep.

So I went and got the pizza. Absolutely. Anyway, I'm headed back to New York tomorrow. For three weeks. Yeah. And then when – and it's funny. Here it says – you'll see here it says, when I – you can see she's erased something that looks like mommy. Uh-huh.

Well, I mean, I think that – I mean, I don't know this. I don't have kids. But, I mean, I think that, you know, I mean, I mean, I mean, I don't know this. I don't have kids. But I mean, I think it affects your identity. Probably you start to think you don't think of yourself as, you know, yourself. You're I'm mommy. Same thing. Daddy. Same thing happened to Ricky Henderson, where he started referring to himself in the third person.

Sure. Yeah. Your wife is highly empathetic. Yeah. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Do all this. All capital letters. Or else. Wow. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Do all this, all capital letters, or else.

Wow. Do you think she'll, what do you think she means? I mean, obviously, you've had some time to talk about this, or maybe you haven't. I've kind of been tiptoeing around it, honestly. It's so raw. I don't want to bring this up. I mean, I felt like when I got, just bringing home the pizzas, I felt like – The three boxes of pizza.

Yeah. That's a weird way to describe pizza, isn't it? Boxes of pizza. I mean, I guess they come in boxes. They're measured in boxes. Right, yeah. How many boxes of pizza do you want? I actually bought her three cases of pizza.

So each one has a gross inside. So that's – Come in on pallets. Yeah. When you buy pizza from Costco. 444 whatever it is, pizzas. Yeah, I mean,

when I brought the pizzas home, it was almost as though I wasn't meeting her expectations like I was disappointing her in some way. So I didn't want to really get into the whole rest of it

because I just think that what I'm hoping is that once all this is done, once I've drawn the nose... So you didn't draw the nose? I haven't yet drawn the nose. I have to go to New York for three weeks first. That's not how I heard it. I thought you had

to get the three boxes of pizza, then draw the nose, then go to New York for three weeks first. That's not how I heard it. I thought you had to get the pizza, the three boxes of pizza, then draw the nose, then go to New York. There was a list of at-home chores. There was. To be followed by go to New York for three weeks. I mean, I don't want to tell you how to run your marriage, far be it for me to backseat marriage trials. You are his supervisor. That's true. I am his supervisor and a marriage expert.

First, I bring the late afternoon pizzas. Late afternoon 3 p. late afternoon pizzas. Late afternoon 3 p.m. pizzas. What time did you roll in with those? Around 3? Right around 3, as required. He brings the first box after breakfast. The English call it elevensies. Yeah. Then I gotta go back to New York for three weeks. That's the next thing.

Three weeks. So I guess I'll just stay at my friend Adam's house or whatever. Yeah. He seems great. Yeah. He's got a nice apartment in Brooklyn, you know? So, yeah. So, I mean, I guess, you know, obviously, you know, you have to travel a lot for this. Oh, stay in Hodgman's study. There you go.

Hodgman has a little guest sofa. You don't have to tell me. What do you think will happen? I mean, I guess I'm thinking of myself now. I mean, how do you think this will work when you have to live in Hawaii for three years? Okay. Are we just on hold till then or well i mean loyal listeners of jordan jesse go no my father lived in hawaii for sure

yeah um and that eventually did end when he ate magic mushrooms in his omelets every day for a week, went insane, thought a tribunal of 12 men, 12 huge men representing every race were judging whether he should live or die. Ended up getting in a rock fight with some Hawaiian dudes, ran away naked when a Hawaiian woman shot rock salt at all of them. Then wandered down the highway for a few days until he was arrested and put into crazy people jail. So you're just going to do that? It's my plan. Yeah. Okay. You're just going to do that exactly.

Yeah. Kind of like a Tuesdays with Maury thing. I don't know what that is. Maybe I would make a scramble of some kind because I don't really know how to flip an omelet. I hear you. And, you know, I don't like my eggs in sheets. Yeah. I don't like a sheeted.

I prefer a scramble to an omelet. Really? Yeah, just the texture's a little bit better. Okay. Do you like a creamy scram? You like a hard-cornered scramble, don't you? I do like a hard-cornered scramble. I like to be able to, I want to be in danger of putting my eye out on my scramble.

I use my scramble to pick my teeth. No, I would say I like to be able to, I want to be in danger of putting my eye out on my scramble. I use my scramble to pick my teeth. No, I would say I like medium creamy. Yeah. How about you, Ben? How do you like your eggs? The listeners know what I like. When I'm not hitting on you now. The listeners know what I require. There is no

greater achievement for a chef than to make a perfect omelet. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Let it not be said that Ben said that with the most astonishing conviction. He believes it. That's how I say everything.

Yeah. I can tell he believes it. I can tell that this is at the core of your being. Absolutely. Is this omelette. Absolutely. You don't like a scramble, though. I'm fine with a scramble. Okay. I had a scramble this morning at brunch with my cousin. But you don't consider it an act of culinary genius? No, anyone can scramble. Are you kidding me?

You barely need tools. All you need is heat. And hand scrambling. Yeah. You're doing hand scrambling. Eggs and what? Chorizo? Sure.

Throw whatever you like in there. I had some salmon in the one this morning. It was delightful. Salmon and kale. It's great. Head on over to Ostrich Farm. Oh, salmon and kale? Great.

Oh, you're a monster. It was very salty now that I think of it. It sounds pretty salty. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to get salty about your salty scramble there.

You really didn't. Yeah, so I mean, I guess I'm... Yeah, you got a new life ahead of you. What I'm hoping is that by the time I've been in Hawaii a couple years, it will have blown over. I can send her a fax or something, check in. Sure.

Maybe send her a few more boxes of pizza. Maybe ask the tribunal to write you a letter of recommendation to reenter your marriage. Well, presuming I pass the test and catch the rocks. Right. What's the time difference between here and Hawaii? I'm just thinking about what time you have to order those pizzas. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah.

I was going to say, I think it's less than three years. Even with the international date chart. I haven't been there in quite some time. I can't remember. I think if you fly over the international date line and then you eat the magic mushrooms. I think that's about how it works. Is that how it works? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, and then in your head, just whatever time you want it to be, man. Wow. Yeah. Did you learn that from your swimming coach? Nah, dude. He learned it from me. Motherfucker! It's my back tat. Wow. Yeah. Did you learn that from your swimming coach? Nah, dude. He learned it from me. Motherfucker! It's my back tat. Oh, shit. I shoved his face in it. Read the tat, asshole. His motherfucker. I am really mean to him. I really bully this guy. I really bully this

jacked 45-year-old. That is what she said. Yeah, that's pretty good. Man, there is nothing that I fear more. Teenagers. I fear teenagers more. But other than teenagers, there's nothing I fear more than a physically powerful dad. Sure. Because I'm not physically powerful. I have nothing to offer in combat. You know what I mean? What do you have to offer

in general? Almost nothing. I mean, I got a 7.5 out of 10 radio voice. Like a good but not great radio voice. Alright. I got um, menswear blog. Do you need a menswear blog? Sometimes.

Yeah. I don't have a ton to offer. i just mean like if you jordan i know that probably there are less dads in your life than in mine um because uh you like to hang out with moms yeah hey mom happy with those chores hey mommy, Mommy. Gross. Mom was fun. Mommy was not. That was horrible. You know, I found my line. I found the line, and it's Mom's fine.

Mommy is not. That's what comedians do. That's how society learns where the line between Mom and Mommy is. I'm a truth teller. Anyway. So gross. I just like to live in a liminal space Between mom and mommy Mom with two M's

But you go to like When you have children You go to a school event Sure And if you're anything Like me You spend the whole time Looking around

And deciding Which of the dads You could take In a fight Sure Now I'm gonna be clear I've never been in a fight I got punched once Didn't care care for it, and have avoided fights ever since.

Fair. Yeah, right, because there's the old adage, my dad could beat up your dad. You're afraid that will be made literal. That's right. That one of your beloved children, maybe you won't send the pizzas in time. Yeah, because I'm a big guy. I mean, I'm 6'3", 210 over here. You know, I'm a beefy man.

But I'm not so big that being big would win the fight for me. I'm not Butterbean big. Ben, what's your fight status? Did you scrap? Oh, flight. It's flight. Okay, pure flight. 100% flight.

Did you scrap in grade school? I did. Had to fight a dad? you scrap in grade school? I did. Had to fight a dad. No, in grade school, I definitely scrapped. Not since then. Yeah. I realized I'm smarter than those guys. Sure.

What was the last scrap? Probably like fifth, sixth grade. Yeah. Yeah. What was it over? I didn't come out well. Pencil topper? What were they ever over?

Ball privileges? Pencil topper. Peachy folder? Dunkaroos? Trapper keeper. Pencil topper. Peachy folder. Dunkaroos. Trapper keeper. Clearly a trapper keeper. Oh, shit. If somebody had Dunkaroos and you didn't have Dunkaroos, take it straight to them.

You don't just eat Dunkaroos. What are Dunkaroos? God, can you imagine, Jordan? Is it a kind of underpant? No. Though it should be. It was a lunchtime snack when Jesse and I were together. I guess I don't even know how old you are.

Oh, I had an omelet every day. Oh, okay. Yes. A little drizzle of green onions on top. Those are chives. Oh, excuse me. It was weird that you brought Jacques Pepin to school every day with you, but worth it. Is it weird?

But worth it. So, yeah. Oh, Dunkaroos was like a lunchtime snack. Yeah. The theme song went, you don't just oh, Dunkaroos was like a lunchtime snack. Yeah. The theme song went, you don't just eat your Dunkaroos. That doesn't describe to me what the thing is. I just wanted to sing it again. It was fun for me.

I felt that. We can't afford to have you sing it another time. Right, yeah, the Dunkaroos. Tim Rice wrote that. It's very expensive. Wrote the lyric. If I may, Jordan, Ben, this might clarify for you. Thank you.

You run, you slide, you hit the bump and take a dive, but watch out for the crocs! Yeah, I guess what you're getting at is this was part of the, like, we like Australian stuff point in pop culture. This was a time, well, what I was getting at was I just wanted to sing that. Yeah. I'm this close to doing the crisscross sprite rap, okay? Yeah, well, that doesn't have anything to do with what I was doing. So, yeah, but yeah, this was a product of America's love affair with Yahoo! Sirius.

Oh, so this was post-Dundee. Yeah. Yeah, I think this is maybe between Dundee movies. There's, what are there, three or four canonical Dundee movies? Well, they're direct-to-DVee. Yeah. Yeah, I think this is maybe between Dundee movies. There's, what are there, three or four canonical Dundee movies? Well, the directed DVD. Yes. Directed DVD Dundee? Anyway.

And then there's the spinoffs. A Dundee story. Right, sure. Sure. Dundee origins. That was a drama, right? That one wasn't a comedy. Yeah.

That one wasn't a comedy. So Dunkaroos were kangaroo-shaped cookies, just like a real standard white cookie. Sure. And they came in a little plastic container, and then next to the cookies was a little cubby of frosting. Yes. You could Dunkaroo them. Yes, I do remember these. You know the rest. You know the rest.

I think I need to hear it again. Okay. You know the rest. You know the rest. I think I need to hear it again. Okay. You know, just eat. Get on gurus. There's your new ringtone, everybody. Ayo, Chris. Yeah? What's that in your hand?

It's to the P-R-I-T-E can. That's some Australian shit in there. Yeah. Yeah. Follow me down to the barbie, mate. Have a Sprite. Sprite, Sprite, Sprite. Did you ever get anything in your lunch that other kids wanted, Jordan?

Oh, boy. Let's see. Shark bites. Shark bites were a big one. Oh, shit. You got fucking shark bites? Yeah, the ones that had one great white. Are you very, very wealthy?

We did all right. We were doing all right. I could tell. Yeah. My mom was under. Sure. We were doing all right. I could tell. Yeah, my mom was a nurse. Sure. We had shark bite money. Ben, was there anything that you got?

Yeah. Your lunch that other kids wanted? No, and to be honest, I can't even remember what I brought for lunch. Yeah. It was such a non-event. My dad eventually figured out that when he made lunch for me, I just wouldn't eat any of it. Just starve through the day. I think that's what happened to me as well.

My dad made the most generous – so my parents were divorced for your benefit. So it was like half the time my mom would be making my lunch. Sure. My mom would do a perfectly credible job. And then half the time my dad would be making my lunch. And let's be honest, when an incompetent cook dad is making your lunch, what you want out of that is shark bites. Sure. You want the packaged garbage. Easy for daddy.

Yeah. You want daddy. Don't say. Come on. Mommy's fine. It's all terrible. Right. Yeah.

So I would say, hey, poppy. There you go. No, no. I like it. I think it, hey, Poppy. There you go. No, no. I like it. I think it's great. You would want them to give you Lunchables. You would want them to give you Shark Bites, Fruit by the Foot. I was never a Lunchables guy.

I had them once. I thought they were real gross. That's disgusting. I can still envision the texture of biting into that first Lunchable and thinking, God, no. I still want to eat that little packet of four long, skinny saltine crackers

with a little tub of cheese and a little red plastic towel. Oh, sure. The best. The best. But I didn't get any of that. My dad would make me a sandwich of bread and change. Wheat bread. That was a good joke.

Wheat bread, mayonnaise, and bologna. That's it. No magic mushrooms in there? It was just horrible. But even my mom, my mom's a pretty good cook. I never got one cool thing

in my lunch. What would your mom make you? You know, my mom would like give me like some leftover pasta bolognese from the night before or something like that. That's probably the top thing. There was a brief period where my mom would make barbecue

ribs. She made them in the oven. We didn't have a backyard at the time. But she'd make barbecue ribs and then she would send them to – she would pack them up for me and my friend Petey. We would take them on the 15th Street to Candlestick Park to watch the Giants game. That's delightful. Because we couldn't afford – you could buy a bleacher seat for $1.75 if you were under 18. They, I think,

expected you to bring an adult. Nope, not you. Not you and Petey. But like, as long as you were the ballpark express, the bus that went straight to the stadium,

that cost $5. So we couldn't afford $5. We could afford the regular bus fare of $0.25, but you had to take the 15 third, which went through the Sunnyside Projects, which were like the one part of San Francisco where I was legitimately terrified to be. But like just white knuckle it through there, pack a lunch, and watch the ball game. That's great.

So I think, Jesse, what you're saying is you want people to mail you shark bites. Oh, God. Mail them to the office. Are they still shark bites, I wonder? Hmm. Maybe it's probably just great whites now. Yeah. They probably figured out that's what people want. The most popular shark.

The most popular of the sharks. Fruit by the foot. Get yourself some fruit by the foot. Get a fruit roll up. The best I ever got was a fruit leather. Those are good. Number one. Yeah, look.

I'm not saying anything bad about fruit leathers. What's the difference? I've never had any of that. Fruit leather comes from a natural food store, and it's saying anything bad about fruit leathers. What's the difference? I've never had any of them. Fruit leather comes from a natural food store, and it's actually made out of fruit. Yeah. That sounds better. It's all right. There's seeds in there, too.

It's fine. Sometimes there were seeds in there. I like it. Really? Oh, yeah. You like a nice texture in your fruit tape. Okay, that's weird and gross. I don't like it.

I love it. Keep going. And you throw a mommy in there. Ooh, seeds, that's weird and gross. I don't like it. I love it. Keep going. And you throw mommy in there. Ooh, seeds mommy. Come on, Jordan. Seeds mommy, that's what she said. That's true. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Goff. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Hello, listeners of Maximum Fun.

I want to tell you about our newest podcast that tells you all about the truth of the flat Earth. Have you been looking out over the horizon and you've been thinking, wait a minute, this doesn't look round. I've been lied to my whole life. What is NASA doing with $52 million a day? Uh, uh, come on. We explode the myths. Just kidding.

We're Oh No Ross and Carrie, and we investigate extraordinary claims. That's right. We investigate extraordinary claims firsthand. We go undercover in fringe groups. We get alternative medicine treatments. And we hang out with people who have unusual beliefs, like flat earthers, 9-11 truthers. We do ghost investigations. We've joined Scientology.

And we got baptized in the Mormon church. If it goes bump in the night, then so do we. Why don't you check out Ono, Ross, and Carrie at MaximumFun.org? It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. And I'm Ben Blacker. They won't let me leave.

No. He's restrained, folks. Yeah. The first time ever. Usually I'm wild. Have you ever? I wish our audience could have seen the flair with which you tossed your head and batted your lashes. As you said, usually I'm wild.

He's pretty wild. We've known each other for some time now. Have you ever seen me? We're best friends. Yeah. Right. We made that oath when we were children. Over ribs. Right. Have you ever seen when we were children. Yeah. Over ribs.

Right. Have you ever seen me so subdued? You guys found that body, right? That's right. Yeah. Who would have thought that Michael Connelly, the creator of Bosch,

would have murdered a man? But at least we solved it by the end of the season. Yeah. One season, that's all it took. Yeah. Hi, I'm author

and serial killer Michael Connelly. Right. Former reporter for the LA.A. Times. Did you look up his name during the break? No, I remembered it halfway through. It was on the tip of my tongue. Yeah.

Rest his soul. One of the Hollywood handbook guys who were on the show recently co-hosts a show about Los Angeles politics called L.A. Podcast. And I listened to an episode the other day, and they were talking about this police policy. And gosh, I can't remember which Hollywood handbook is the one that co-hosts it. It's Hayes. It's Hayes. Okay.

Hey, the great Hayes Davenport. And Hayes just kept drawing comparisons between this police retirement policy and Bosch. It's a real Bosch spurt. There's some Bosch heads out there. A lot of Bosch heads. I've been thinking about in Bosch. It's a real Bosch spurt. There's some Bosch heads out there. A lot of Bosch heads. I've been thinking about starting Bosch. Well, we ran into each other down at San Diego Comic Con and you could not get away from the Bosch cosplay. Right.

Everywhere. Sure, a lot of grizzled, people playing more grizzled than they were. A lot of 5 o'clock shadows painted on. 6 o'clock shadows. Sure, yeah. They're retired, but they're still drawing a salary. That's right, yeah.

We got some calls. Yeah, when something momentous... Good segue. Thank you. When something momentous happens to you, like you talk about Bosch with Bosch star Lance Reddick from The Wire,

which I once did backstage at NPR's Ask Me Another, we ask you to call 206-9844-FUN or hit us up with a voicemail at JJGo, not a voicemail, voicememo at JJGo at MaximumFun.org. Here's our first telephone call or voicememo. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Caitlin calling from Oakland, California with a momentous occasion or maybe a momentous situation. Currently, at this very moment, there's a snarling, semi-feral cat in my pants drawer, in my closet, inside of my dresser, and she's definitely not supposed to be there, and she hates me.

and she's definitely not supposed to be there, and she hates me. It's not actually so crazy that there's a cat in my house. I foster cats regularly for a local rescue group, but normally I foster them in my art studio, which closes off from the rest of the house with one of those sort of hideous 1970s accordion doors. But this cat, as soon as the volunteer let her out of her carrier, literally charged that door, broke through it, literally split the boards apart, escaped from that room, ran to my front closet, jumped in my, you know, into the dresser drawer, and is now snarling at me. And I think I'm just going to leave her in there for now.

Uh, maybe let her chill out for the night inside the pants drawer. Hopefully I don't have to get any pants out. And hopefully she does okay. I'm going to put some food and water in there. And maybe I'll call you guys back eventually when she's out of there. That would truly be momentous. Anyways, I love the show and hope you guys are doing well. Bye.

I liked the inflection just at the very end. That would truly be romantic. Anyways, love the show. Talk to you guys soon. Can I talk for American Movie Classics? Can I talk to the cat for a minute? Please. I insist that you do.

Just go. So, listener, if you're there, just please, you know, I don't know if the cat's still in the drawer or not, but, you know, hold it up. Hopefully you've gotten some food or water in there somehow. Yeah. Hold up whatever device you're using to listen to this so the cat can hear. Kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come here, kitty, kitty. Come here, kitty, kitty. Okay, I'm done. Do you guys want to hear the joke that I saved the whole time I was listening to that? Sure. Pants drawer. Maybe it used to be your pants drawer. Now it's your rags drawer. Nice.

The cat's going to tear up the pants. You know what made that joke great? When you explained it afterwards. It took it over the top. Thank you very much. My dog, one of my dogs, has lately been hiding in my closet. I have like a little Coke closet,

but it's got those... I'm sorry, did you say coat or Coke? Coat. Just checking. No, I have a Coke bowl on my dining room table. Like a gentleman. And a Coke. You have a Coke nail now. I see that you've grown.

Yes, absolutely. Sure. But not a coat nail. Yeah, no. And a Coke vending machine. Oh, yeah. Right. For Coca-Cola.

Sure. I have one of those wire shelving things. You know those modular ones with the little round plastic nubbins that connect the corners of the thing. And it's full of whatever my t-shirts are, what have you. And my dog will jump up to the second or third level and back into

it so that there's a t-shirt covering all but her nose and a t-shirt underneath covering all up to mid-waist personnel. Sounds like a lurking crocodile. It is absolutely like a lurk. Thank you for using an analogy that our Australia mad audience will understand.

Like a crook. Oh, blimey. It made it relatable for all of us. You could have said like a crook. You could have said like a crock. You could have said like a young Einstein. Sure, yeah. You could have said that's not a knife. This is a knife.

Thomas Dolby is British or American maybe. You can dance if you want to. Wait, have you run out of Australian things? Hat with corks. Yeah, take a few more guesses. Blimey, it's a Hugh Jackman but like she hides in there so well that I will go in there in the morning to grab a coat

grab a t-shirt then close the closet with the dog in it and we have spent literally 40 minutes tearing around the house trying to figure out what happened to the dog. And then I have literally been doing that, opened the door, examined the whole closet. It was a small closet, like a little coat closet. Not found my dog.

Closed the door again. Then later my wife came down and she said, did you look in here? And I said, yeah, I looked in there. She opens it up and there's just a little schnoz hanging out between the t-shirt. That's adorable. That's very cute. Ben, do you have pets? I have two dogs.

Okay. There's one of them, which is a nine-pound rat terrier that we do lose in the house. She likes to stand on a chair that is right at the front window and look out the window. And she will occasionally slip between the chair and the window. Sounds cute. So she's on the ledge. And I've come home and I only count one dog because I do a dog count when I get home. Count the dogs.

One? One? Shit. That comes from your time as a first responder. Exactly. Do an immediate dog count. I tear around the house looking for this goddamn animal. And then she's like balanced on the ledge.

You should teach the dogs to count off so you don't have to count them yourself. It would be so much easier. Or you could go with a buddy system. I wish I could. I can't trust. Is anybody missing their buddy? I can't trust the other dog. Listen.

Just tape the dogs together. Now you're thinking. Tape. Tape one dog to the other dog. Listen, just tape the dogs together. Get some electrical tape. Tape one dog to the other dog. I'm going to use some fruit by the foot. Oh, that sounds nice. Lick it. Get it a little sticky. Wrap it around the dog.

Absolutely. Would you tape two dogs together in a pile or nose to tail? Oh, is this one of those? Or side by side. Side by side. It's kind of the snake wear this one of those? Or side by side. Side by side. Is this one of the snake wear pants kind of things? Absolutely side by side. You're crazy to ask.

Side by side? Yeah. Like a double barrel shotgun? Exactly. What about you, Jordan? What's your choice? I would tape the small dog to the top of the big dog. I mean, as if riding it?

And then you drape an overcoat over the whole thing. Yeah, then they can get into an R-rated movie. Two for the Meg, please. I mean, one. Those dogs are going to see the Meg? Yeah, they want to see the Meg. Although the Meg's probably not right. I think it's PG-13. Might be PG-13.

I think it is. Well, they shouldn't have a problem, though. There's no way to find out. Yeah. Well, in dog years, they're fine. I was going to ask. Yeah, what is the cutoff? What's the name of that guy from the Meg that I like? Is it Meg? Let's see.

Who's the cast? I don't know. Meg Ryan. Statham's in it. Jason Statham. What I was going to say they say is, hey, they're on the way out. They say, hey, I like that Jason Statham, but that was rough. Nice.

I don't get it. Okay, it's fine. I'll explain it to you later. It's a dog joke. Yeah. You'd know if you were a dog guy. All right. I'm half dog.

Oh, you are a dog guy. Yeah. My mom is a real bitch. I don't get it. That Meg really, oh, that movie really blew. That's what she said. I don't know if that makes more sense. Deez nuts.

Ask your swim coach. There's only one way to know. Deez nuts, woof, woof. Woof, woof. The dog's famous catchphrase. Deez nuts, woof, woof. Sure. That is an insane Cloud Posse album Right?

Like there's no way That's not At least It's a B-side I think that's a web comic That people post Underneath Twitter comments To make a point

Oh sure Yeah Deez Nuts There's one dog Talking to the other dog Deez Nuts Woof Woof Right sure

You know what Don't even make the comic If you're out there listening You're thinking I could draw Just take that one Where it says On the internet

Nobody knows you're a dog and just get rid of that and just yeah there's your meme there's your meme assholes yeah it's been a while we haven't had that many memes lately more memes yeah let's generate some memes got another call brian hello fellows i was actually going to call this in to stop podcasting yourself as an overheard because I came to their podcast for finding yours. But now that I have found yours and this one is dick related, seems a bit more in your field. Brian, can you pause it? Obviously, he came to stop podcasting yourself faster. But I say take your time and enjoy it with Jordan and Jesse Go.

Right. Oh, this is an ejaculation thing. Sure. Yeah, sure. You got to enjoy it. I'm doing it our way, baby. Yeah. This is a tantric podcast.

Do your kegels. Yeah. Yeah. It's called, listen, we practice edging on this podcast. I'm on a nofap. Yeah. Brian, I'm so glad you paused it. Thanks for pausing.

The honest truth is we're in sales. Sure. Go ahead, Brian. So here we go. My name is Brian. I live in Austin, Texas, and I was in one of the ATV grocery stores that populate the town. And there were two ladies. Sorry, guys.

Pause it again. On Little Rest. I think he said that Austin is populated by ATV grocery stores. I think that's what he said. You can ride an ATV through the store. Oh, I imagine the store was in an ATV. Oh, wow. That's a very few items.

I imagine that it was a grocery store for ATVs. Oh, no. So I was picturing an ATV eating like a bunch of strawberries. Oh, that's cute. See, we all imagine something different. That's the power of imagination. It is. Yeah. It was like a children's cartoon, like maybe those Chevron cars.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. But it was munching. I was eating a carrot, and the top of the carrot was flopping out. Cute. Yeah, it was really cute. Go ahead, Brian. Well, you know, kind of older ladies on little rascal scooters. Well, you know, kind of older ladies in little self-motorized, you know, little motor scooters things.

I'm a little drunk, so pardon the ramble. Sorry. Cool. But, so, it was laundry day for me, so I was wearing fairly loose shorts with no underpants. Not usually how I go out in public, but I was in severe need of some ice cream. So I went to the store to get the ice cream, and as I walked by the ladies ladies I heard them as I had passed or the lady in the in the front of the pair said did you see that guy's dick and I heard the second lady say no what did it look like and the first lady said again floppy I

guess the the no underpants inpants in the short situation was bad. I don't know if that's actually momentous or shameful, but it happened, and I thought it was fucking hilarious. Keep up the good work, guys. That's that guy committing a crime accidentally. Sure. Was it hanging out, or do you think they just saw the outline of it? That's an interesting question.

I was wondering. I thought maybe he was jogging through the store and they were seeing it flop against the material. I was watching the Great American Sport of Football earlier today. And maybe I had just never looked at the dicks of football players or maybe before I didn't have a big enough TV to really get a sense of the dicks. But I noticed that an NFL kicker, because they have a cross-body kicking action, there's no dance cup, much less athletic cup down there. cup, much less athletic cup down there. And I found that because the kicker is looms large on the screen, that I was staring right down the barrel of his hog. I mean, he's wearing stretchy, shiny pants, and he can't let anything get in the way of

his crossbody foot to ball action. What did it look like? He's nuts. The answer is floppy. Oh, sorry. Come on. My apologies. You want to take it again?

A thousand, a thousand, a hundred thousand apologies. That guy really sounded like he was just barely holding on. I don't know. That's the most Austin call I've ever heard. Yeah, this guy's the mayor of Austin probably. That dick flop though. Yeah. When that dick flop.

You don't really have to. There's your meme. When that dick flop and then Spongebob or something. I don't know. Never been on the internet. I'm told it's Spongebob usually. Totally. You know, Michael Jordan.

When that dick flop. How about we just use that when you're on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog dog. I actually don't think I know that dog. That's like a famous cartoon where the dog's typing onto a computer and he says, when you're in the internet, nobody knows you're a dog. Sounds good. It's all right. It was a lot more fun in 1992. I believe it.

1995 maybe. in 1992. I believe it. 1995, maybe. Yeah, I don't have this thought a lot, Jordan, but I had this thought as I was listening to that call, that chill dude, slightly drunk, from Austin, Texas, with no underwear.

I thought, man, this guy better stay in Austin because Southern California would eat him alive. Keep Austin weird, you know what I'm saying? Keep Austin weird. The brutal Southern California lifestyle. The brutal demands of Southern California. Too fast-paced. Too uptight. You can't free-ball it in the Whole Foods.

In the O.C.? Yeah, you can't free-ball it in the O.C. They don't even have grocery stores for dirt bikes. So much less ATVs. Man. Trying to get some carrots for my Sea-Doo over here. What? Everybody's doing it.

Feeding carrots to Sea-Doos? Oh, everybody's Sea-Do-ing it. Everybody's doing it. Sea-Doo! Is that the Sea-Doo's? Sea-Doo. Oh, everybody's Sea-Do-ing it. Everybody's doing it. Sea-Doo! Is that the Sea-Doo commercial? Yeah. Cool. You run.

It is cool. You slide. It's cool. You hit the bump and take a dive. Ben, do you want to sing a commercial before we end the segment? I've never seen a commercial. Oh, really? I've always had TiVo.

Great. They're really good. Thank you. So you've seen parts of them. Yeah, yeah. I've never heard one, I should say. You've never heard one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At one point you saw a commercial for TiVo that convinced you, I've got to go with this. It was a print ad. Okay. Yeah. USA Today. If you have something momentous for us, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. 206-984-4FUN. Or just email a voice memo to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Probably our most beloved segments.

I would say number one, Overhertz. Number two, Drunk Dials. Yep. Number three, Celebrity Birthdays. Number four. Hulk Hogan News. They still do that? Hulk Hogan News.

Just listing. Probably not. Stop podcasting yourself. Hulk Hogan News. Hulk Hogan News. They still do that? Hulk Hogan News. Just listing Stop Podcasting Yourself segments. Do you think there's still Jordan Jesse Goh listeners out there who aren't listening to Stop Podcasting Yourself? Don't know.

Get with it. I know what you think. What do I care about some Canadian celebrity that's going to be their guest? Some Canadian stand-up comic or improviser. I don't know who this is.

I'm not going to care about this show. We're not doing any better and you're listening to this. We got Ben over here. Yeah, the bar is so low. Yeah. The bar is so low. I mean, you know. We'll be back in just a second. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Ben Blacker, I have to pee. Well, Ben, I've got great news for you, buddy. There's a bathroom in here? We're P-positive in here. Whip it out. I always knew that about you guys.

Start to stream. Just do it, Colin Kaepernick. Yeah. That's like the courage that Colin Kaepernick got that advertisement for Nike for, right? Yes, exactly. Pee in his pants when necessary. You can knee and peel peel and knee knee and peel

was a great sketch show on Comedy Central kneel and pee yeah there you go kneel pert kneel pert you can really kneel pert

if you want to yeah Ben yo I'd like to take a minute before we wrap up the show to talk about your terrific new comic book

that is coming to comic stores thank you momentarily yes any minute now moment any second it's coming show to talk about your terrific new comic book that is coming to comic stores. Thank you. Momentarily. Any minute now. Moment, any second. It's coming. Get your catcher's mitts. Get in the store. You might miss it. You sent me a PDF of the first issue.

Shh. Advance. I'm not giving it out. Okay. This is mine. This one's for Daddy. He sent me a JPEG. I asked for a TIFF because I wanted to uncompress yeah but yeah uh it's called hex wives and it is fucking rad it's so good um what's it about ben i'm glad you asked thanks for sending me one by the way you didn't ask well you should have known by standing policy send, standing policy, send me a TIFF.

I didn't realize you'd be here. Okay, fair enough. The concept of Hex Wives is what if Samantha from Bewitched didn't know she were a super powerful witch and was being held as a suburban housewife against her will? And so the first arc is a literal empowerment story

about her discovering that she and her friends are a coven of witches who are being controlled by these awful men. Oh, that's fun. It is very cool. The artist is great. Yeah, boy, the art is really beautiful in this thing. Mirka and Adolfo did the art. Marissa Louise did the colors. And they are amazing.

Those two. Real violent. It's a little sexy. Yeah. And yeah, I really liked it. Wait till you see issue two. That's very sexy. It has the... Did you hear the title of issue two? These Nuts? These Nuts.

Oh, sure, yeah. It has... I know, we... I'm proud to say, the kind of creepiest, least sexy sex scene in all of comics. Okay. Whoa, okay. Yeah. Alright. Well. I mean, once you've seen Swamp Thing, fuck, that's pretty big. That was the bar. Yeah. All right. Well. I mean, once you've seen Swamp Thing, fuck, that's pretty big. That was the bar.

Yeah. How do I out-creep this creep? But that's why I seriously rules. Thank you. If you enjoy comics, you're going to like this. Maybe, hey, if you haven't read a comic in a while or you don't normally read them, Hexwives, great place to start. Thank you. Not part of any existing source material?

No. It's an original story? No. Yeah. Let's get Ta-Nehisi Coates on the phone. Let him know. I don't know enough shit to read his comic book. I'm sticking with Ben. I agree. I like the way he writes, but

it's hard for me to understand what's happening because I don't have that depth of knowledge of comics. You guys didn't read Secret Wars! You't read Secret Wars! You gotta read Secret Wars and know that Reed Richards is now one of the Beyonders! Wait, is that true? Beyonder?

Are you breaking this news? It's like two years old. Hex Wives is out on Halloween. We had that happen though, it was cool. But here's the thing Jordan, Jesse, I've learned in making comics that it's very important to get pre-orders. Now, I have 100 issues of this comic that I would like to write. Yeah.

The only way to do that. I have 100 to give away. I pre-ordered one. Call now. 206-984-4FUN. Most comics. Ben, we got your pull list for this week. It's 100 issues of one comic.

The only way you get to do a lot of comics is if people pre-order it. So this comic book is out on Halloween, but if you call up your local comic book store and say, I want a copy of Hex Wives, they will pre-order it for you. You go in on Halloween, you pay $4, you walk out with the comic. I don't even care if you read it. Just pre-order it. Throw it right in the trash. Yeah, pre-order it, pay for it, and walk out with a comic. I don't even care if you read it. Just pre-order it. Throw it right in the trash. Pre-order it, pay for it, and then I get to make more.

Can I tell you the truth? I think anyone that doesn't pre-order Hex Wives for delivery on Halloween is Halloween-y. You're not wrong. Harsh words. You're not wrong. Harsh words. You know what? It had to be said.

I'm not afraid. Yeah. It had to be. You're braver than the Republicans. I would to be. You're braver than the Republicans. I would tell that. You're braver than Alex Jones. You know what I would do right now? Put me in front of a bunch of college kids and see if I don't deliver the truth.

Sure. Straight no chaser. Sorry, snowflakes. Yeah. Looks like Halloweenies if you don't preorder Hex Wives. Too raw. This is too raw, this truth. Sorry. I thought this was

a podcast, not a Halloweeny roast. You're right. But you should. I'm roasting these Halloweenies. If you are out there, I'm going to make a wild assumption and say that if you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener, you probably have a local coffee book store where they know you.

Pre-order Hex Wives. You will not be sorry. This shit fucking rules. It's so good. Thank you so much. And if you don't have a local comic book store where they know you... Guess what? I know what you can do. What can you do? Before you get to your joke. Jesse's gonna... You do. No. Before you get to your joke.

You say the actual solution and then Jesse will say the joke. You go to comicshoplocator.com You put in your zip code and it tells you where your local comic store is. You say the actual solution and then Jesse will say the joke. You go to comicshoplocator.com. You put in your zip code and it tells you where your local comic store is. Or you go to comicsology.com, comicsology with an X, and you can preorder it digitally. Now, Jesse, what do you got? What are you going to say? You go to that comic book store in Silver Lake where Jordan gave me a gift certificate.

And then they were like, are you Jesse from Jordan? Jesse, go. And it's like the only time I've ever been recognized in public and it was really exciting. Yeah, give the secret headquarters a call. They're great. If you're local, if you're here in LA, give the secret headquarters a call. They'll pre-order you a Hex Wives event. I may do a signing there on Halloween when it comes out. Okay.

Will you come? Yes. Awesome. Yeah. I won't. I will be dressed as Bosh though. So you know, I'm going out later as sexy Bosh. We. Yeah. I won't. I will be dressed as Bosch, though. So, you know, I'm going out later as sexy Bosch. We all will. We all will. Yes. Just a store full of Bosches.

Yeah. Yeah. That would be great. I'm going to be dressed as Hayes Davenport. Oh, cool. Like me, but handsomer, I guess. Sure. These guys are too handsome to be funny.

Looking good. Brian Fernandez, a.k.a. Sonny D, is our producer running the boards. He's the one whose laugh you can hear through the theoretically soundproof walls. Ben, not only are you

the author of Hex Wives, which people can pre-order now at comicsology.com or by using Comic Store Locator. Comic Shop Locator.

Comic Shop, well, they probably got Comic Store Locator, too. I tried, they don't. Really? Wow. Because that's what I thought it. Well, they probably got comic store locator, too. I tried. They don't. Really? Wow.

Because that's what I thought it was. I mean, if only there was some kind of map business website, like a map website that had businesses on it that you could type any type of business in. What would you even call that? I don't know. My initial thought is a billion, but there has to be a number bigger than that. I couldn't tell you. Map Biz?

Is that a good name? I would just put a one and then a hundred zeros. You're also the host of the smash hit Max Fun Podcast, Dead Pilot Society. Which I love doing and thank you for letting us put it out on this network. What a thrill it is to have you. I'm proud to be on it. What is the most recent exciting pilot? So on this program, writers bring their pilots that died in development.

Correct. Their scripts, and then you bring in all star casts to act them out using something called play acting Jordan Ben's a theater kid he knows a little bit

about this exactly I'm gonna break into song any minute oh boy when does this what's your

what's your most what's your most recent favorite this is going up like tomorrow oh good so here's the thing yeah

my most recent favorite and we were talking about like tomorrow. Oh, good. So here's the thing. Yeah. My most recent favorite, and we were talking about this earlier, was Elizabeth Lame's pilot, which died on the vine, as you say, but it's about a,

it's based on her life. She's a podcaster, so it's about a podcaster juggling life and love. It's utterly charming. It's a great cast. It's very funny. Sounds totally not lame.

That would be good to her podcast. Totally lame? Yes, yeah. I can see the poster. But we have on... It's like, it's type, it says totally lame, and then somebody wrote a little arrow in there. There you go. Not in hand, right?

There you go. Coming soon. You know, we did that. If you are in Los Angeles... My wife actually designed that poster. She's really good. Yeah, she's good. If you are in Los Angeles, come see Dead Pilot Society live.

Oh, wow. On Saturday, September 22nd, 2 p.m. Afternoon show. I've been to some Dead Pilot Society readings. They're a blast. And these, thank you, these are really fun ones. We have a pilot by Morgan Murphy. Okay.

By Brian Gallivan. And one other one. We have an amazing cast that includes Lauren Lapkus, Sam Richardson, Aparna Nancherla, some others. It's going to be great. So it's at the Dynasty Typewriter Theater and you can go to their website to get

tickets or you can follow me on Twitter, at Ben Blacker. Sounds good to me. It'll be fun. You know what? If you don't live in Los Angeles, you know, crawl back to Austin. You can't hack it here anyway. Take your floppy dick. Take your floppy fucking dick. But please subscribe

to Dead Pilot Society. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com. Like JordanJesseGo on Facebook where we will be sharing your dank memes. Hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, at Jesse Thorne on Twitter. With me, Jordan Morris, Jordan underscore Morris on Twitter. We'll talk to you next time on JordanJesseGo.

MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.