Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 549: Clean Up on Aisle Three Way with Kevin Porter and Caroline Ely

Episode Date: September 18, 2018

Kevin Porter and Caroline Ely from the podcast Good Christian Fun join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how many cigarettes everyone has smoked, Caroline's top breads, and the catchiness of a Christian pop punk anthem about abstinence. Plus, a cool ass baby shows up to spit on the Hippocratic Oath, and everyone does their best to punch up an orgy.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Soft Pretzel King. Jordan Morris. Oh boy, I guess I gotta come up with a bar snack related nickname now, huh? Yeah. If you're the Soft Pretzel King, then I'm Johnny Tater Skins. Jordan Morris, Johnny Tater Skins. So I have two first names.

In this scenario, is it Johnny or Jordan that I should call you? No, Jordan Morris, Johnny Tater Skins. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's my full name. Please address me like that. Is it like your family calls you Johnny Taterskins? No, that's...

Or they call you Johnny and you added the Taterskins? No, no, I'm married to a whooping names. So it's Jordan Morris hyphen Johnny Taterskins. Her last name is Johnny Taterskins. So again, we didn't want to just give in to what the patriarchy says. So that's all one word? Huh? Is that all one word?

Johnny Taterskins? No, no. So she was previously married to a man. Her last name is Johnny. She was previously married to a man named Taterskins. They hyphenated their name. And you decided to take his name in addition to her maiden name. Well, the name they created to create their family.

Right. So now I'm Jordan Morris, hyphen Johnny, hyphen Tater Skins. It's a similar thing with me and my nickname, the Super Pretzel King. Soft Pretzel King? Super Pretzel King. The Soft Pretzel King. Okay. I was eating a Super Pretzel, which is a brand of soft pretzel.

And I was thinking, man, I love soft pretzels. Oh, I just thought because that you liked pretzels and were flaccid. Well, God knows I'm flaccid right now with you taking me down a peg. Well, I don't know. I don't know. I just thought you were, you know, looking to own your impotence. Seize your own impotence. That's what Robert Bly was all about.

The men's movement. Right, exactly. Seize your own impotence. Now, listen, Bly was all about. The men's movement. Right, exactly. Ease your own impotence. Now, listen, I've been reading some Jordan Peterson lately. Oh, wow. And that's what it's about. Really? Yeah. It's called Soft and Proud.

Soft and Proud. Is that one of the less reported elements of the Proud Boy lifestyle? Yes, sir. No fap slash soft and proud. It's also a new opinion. You might have been Foster's Freeze. Our guests on this week's Jordan, Jesse, Go, well, what a pleasure it is to have them here

on this program. They are Jesse, Go. Well, what a pleasure it is to have them here on this program. They are the hosts of the smash hit podcast Good Christian Fun. Wow. Go with it. Generous. Caroline Ely

and Kevin Porter. Hello. Hello, hello, hello. Hello. So happy to be here on the Lord's Day. We're recording on a Sunday. Take me to church. Yes, sure. Communion for all. Yes, that's right. I have some be here on the Lord's Day. We're recording on a Sunday. Take me to church.

Yes, sure. Communion for all. Yes, that's right. I have some. I'll have a pretzel. Right. I want to engage with. Lord, I like pretzels.

I know. In this case, the pretzel is the body of Christ. Or it represents the body of Christ, depending on whether you're Catholic or Protestant. Exactly. And that's the kind of fun my new show we discuss on the show. Some people believe something slightly different. Isn't that interesting for about an hour and a half? Better be.

Kevin, can we talk about the look that you're bringing to the table to our podcast? Oh, sure. Yeah. We can talk about it. You've got a black and white thing going on. That's true. That's true. And I would say you both came in with a kind of a sock hop realness.

Yeah. That's very true. Oh, man. We were down in some mountains right before we came over. Oh, man. I'm a capital D dork over here now. I'm really feeling it. Oh, I really do.

No, you guys look really cool. Look like a little greaser. Yeah, cool for the 50s where no one's doing drugs or anything. I feel like, Caroline, your outfit is very evergreen. So wait, I'm going to break down the outfit so the folks at home can play along. Caroline is wearing what look to be white Keds. Yeah, well, they're Target off-brand Keds. Okay. Schmeds. Yeah, they're Target off-brand Keds. Okay.

Schmeds. Yeah, they're Schmeds. She's wearing a light wash blue jean that's cut off slightly above the ankle. Yeah. And she's got a white t-shirt with a half tuck. Oh, and a lipstick stain. Is that a half tuck or a full tuck? Yeah.

I believe it's called a French tuck. Okay. Yeah. As the French do. Yeah, that's right. Famously. Uh-huh. I don't know, guys.

This is good. You're the lord. I'm being teased. I'm feeling vulnerable. No, not at all. No, I like my outfit. You look like a million dollars. You're obviously the best looking and best dressed person in here.

Wow, thank you. Well, let's talk about Kevin. Kevin, deal with it. Kevin's wearing a white Converse All-Star, a classic summer sneaker. Both of our sneakers are spotless also, which I think says a lot about us. I switch out every six months. Every six months now? Do you wear a Converse All-Star for like actual life activities?

Like going for a walk? I feel like a Converse All-Star is one of the greatest sneakers of all time. But if you walk two blocks in it, your feet feel like they're going to fall off. It's real. No, I'll go on a few mile walks in the Converse. Yeah. I won't do it if it's in a particularly. Like your pistol Pete Maravich or something.

Yeah, that's right. Bad boy of Pasadena over here. I won't go on any hikes and that's my name. That'll be what I say when we come back from the break as is tradition on this show. Look out, he's going to fuck up that really nice BJ's that's in that bank. But this is what I want to engage. Have you guys been to that nice BJ's? It's a gorgeous BJ's.

It's a beautiful building. You make fun of me for liking that BJ's. Yeah, because it's bad. But the location is beautiful. I have a gift card because I mentioned it one time on the podcast that I used to do, and they sent me a $50 gift card. Wow. What? BJ's did? Yeah. Oh man. But I haven't used it yet. Is that enough for a BJ?

In their opinion, yes. It is. So here's my here's the distinct. So you're wearing a black blue jean. Looks great. You look great. We should mention by the way for our listeners at home, both of these young people, very good looking. These are lookers. We should mention, by the way, for our listeners at home, both of these young people, very good looking. Oh, thank you.

These are lookers. We try. Too good looking for podcasting, technically. Don't look up our photos. Just kind of keep that mental image. Now, you've got a couple little personalizations that I want to know about. Okay, yeah. Now, it's warm outside, but you're wearing a short-sleeve button-down Oxford shirt with a button-down collar, that is.

And you've got it. You've got a couple buttons unbuttoned. Just one. Not a couple. Just the one. The top and the second button. Right. Well, I mean the top.

I'm not a monster. I'm going to unbutton that. You don't count the top. To me, yeah, it's a mulligan button. I have to say, you're a lot more her suit than I expected. Really? You're showing some chest. Yeah, that's true.

You're showing some chest, and you have your sleeves rolled up. This is the true greaser style element of this. I know. It's also a modesty problem, and we've talked to him about this. Greasers don't wear button-down collar Oxford shirts. Not yet, they don't. We're hoping to him about this. Greasers don't wear button-down collar Oxford shirts. Not yet they don't. We're hoping to start a trend. Maybe greasers who went

to Harvard do. Harvard's car clubs. The greasers on the lampoon, you do not want to ask for that. Last night I went to see Sweet and Tender Hooligans. What's that? The Smiths Morrissey cover band led by Jose Maldonado, the Mexican Morrissey.

And I will say that thank you for giving me a nice uniform look for my weekend. Hey, and this is a uniform. I only have two. I only have two shirts I wear. He wears this outfit on some variation, although there are a reputed pair of shorts that I've never seen. But he threatens to break them out. Because I'm afraid she'll make fun of me. But that's the thing. You get made fun of more for wearing the same thing.

Shorts would be like, whoa, all right, cool guy. So these shorts are kind of like a Canadian girlfriend. Exactly, yeah. He talks about the shorts. No one's ever met the shorts. I look so good in the shorts. The shorts are amazing. You just missed them.

They just went home. The shorts are a model. Sorry, I was just texting my shorts. They're missed them. They just went home. The shorts are a model. Sorry. Sorry. I was just texting my shorts. They're so funny. They had to run. Yeah. They had to fly back to Canada for a shoot. Right.

They met at summer camp. Yeah. So. Jesse's pointing at me like I'm on trial. Do you have two different styles of shirt or only two shirts? Same style. Uh-huh. Two different colors. Uh- only two shirts? Same style. Uh-huh. Two different colors.

Uh-huh. And five of each of those. Okay. Are we talking about, what are we looking at? White and blue? White and a navy blue. Where do you get those shirts? A navy blue.

Yes. Is there like a children's uniform company that you reach out to? Kids Gap is cheaper. Right. Baby Gap is affordable. No, but I actually do want to know. Are those like Bonobo shirts? It's Gap is affordable. But I actually do want to know. Are they putting on both shirts? It's Gap.

Oh, very nice. Although I've been struggling now because I do want, now that fall is coming and finally in LA, it's getting back into the high 60s at night. I do want to get a short sleeve Oxford shirt, but they changed the cut at Gap and now it's way too long and it looks like I'm wearing my dad's dress shirt in an extra small. That's a short sleeve. That can't possibly be all the way down to your wrist, what you've got. Yeah, wait, how's that different than what you're wearing?

You've got it rolled up to the height where you're showing off your Navy tattoos. Right, right, right, right, which I hope to get one day. I'm the only one of my siblings that does that. Somebody get this man a pack of cigarettes to throw in there. I would love them. I had a ciggy once. It was fun. What were the circumstances under which you had the cigarettes?

True story. There was a girl that I had a crush on, and we said after church one time, it would be funny and fun if we went down to the gas station and got a pack and smoked them. Funny and fun. Now, was this girl a gorgeous pair of shorts? I mean, let's just say she had two pockets in the back, two pockets in the front, and a very nice zipper. Okay, if you, in this room right now, how many cigarettes total do you think the four of us have smoked? One.

One? Don't you think just Kevin? No, oh, sorry. That wasn't one for me. You also smoked one. So that's two. It's a sum. How many among the four of us? Oh, gosh.

I don't know you guys very well. Well, I don't know you very well. Clock us. Clock our vibes. Okay, so we have like Portland by way of Hawaii right here. Sure. Kind of summer Portland. More like Aloha-ug, right?

Aloha-meh. Meh. I think yours was better. I was going for chill Japanese guy, but go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Japanese man. And then maybe like, I'm going to go skating with you later. Yeah, that's right.

Who likes to kickflip? I'm saying less than 100 for the whole room. Less than 100. Yeah. I mean, that's, I feel like you're, if you were on the Price is Right right now, and that was the first guess, you're getting undercut immediately. You're busted. You're out.

You might as well go sit back down in the audience right now. I could. You're not getting to the showcase show. With our one-man laugh track, producer Brian on the ones and twos. By the way, I would love to have Brian at our show. He's such a generous laugher. I know. I would love if sitcoms from now on, three-camera sitcoms, had no studio audience but just Brian.

See, that would be – it would be funnier to watch the final season of Big Bang Theory with Dan's laugh track. One ghostly laugh from up in the rafters. For one guy who's loving it. But after one joke, you just hear – He didn't like that one. What encouragement. Thank you, Brian. So you're saying – Feels good saying your guess is 99 kevin

yeah i'll say 99 caroline where are you all right two plus i know you guys are both some nice christian boys so two plus zero two in the whole room i happen to be a heathen thank you very much well don't tell me that uh so i going to say maybe five between all of us. I don't know. I'm taking a guess. Okay. Jordan, where are you? I think, well, I know how much I've smoked.

I mean, this is like playing a game of Wadlord. Sure, yes. This is a very Wadlord type game. I think, I think. How did they know my game? I think the number is 25. 25. Yes.

Oh, okay. I mean, see, this is the Wadlord element here. Hold on. Who's Wadlord? Wadlord is a game invented by our friend Phil Elverum, the musician Phil Elverum. And it involves one person. Yeah, yeah. One person is.

Yeah, and we have a box at the time machine. Awesome. One person is... Yeah, we have a box that's a time machine. Awesome. One person is the Wadlord. They have a wad of money. Other people then contribute... It's pronounced a lot of money, Jesse. Contribute to the wad of money and everyone guesses how much money is in the wad. I'm probably messing it up a little tiny bit.

So it's like a jelly bean thing at a convenience store. The main thing is the wad only has one bill on the outside. And you can see how thick it is and what bill is on the outside. This is a great game. But if you're the wad lord, like the power move is to put like $500 into the wad. Because then everybody's going to guess $42. But you know there's $500 because you really went wild.

Right. But you're risking $500 of your own dollars if someone happens to guess higher. And what I'm concerned about here is that Jordan, what did you say, $25? $25. So, like, we have a— He's wadding the deck. We've got a $99. That's ridiculous. That brings me back to my

naval days. Oh boy, those salty days at sea. Yeah, just wadding the deck. We did a lot of that. I'm ready for them. Roll up those sleeves, Jordan. Let's see the text. It just says mommy forever? Whoa.

And the other arm says, where's daddy? Never get questions for tattoos. Never get questions for tattoos. Just write those down. Yeah. My tattoo just says, what is the largest land mammal? Mine is just the Waze directions to the Hollywood Bowl on a show night. And it's like, the problem is it's to a parking lot that you do not have passes to.

So it's like, really, you should get them to like, what, Hollywood and Highland or whatever. Yeah, just park at Hollywood and Highland and walk up. Yeah, it's a walk up. It's a long one. But it's worth it. It gets your, like, blood pumping. Yeah. Anyway, Carol. If you're going across town, the walk up. It's a long one. But it can be fun. But it's worth it. It gets your, like, blood pumping. Yeah. Anyway, Caroline.

If you're going across town, take Fountain. Anyway. I like to park in the Veterans building. Oh, that's nice. That's a nice building. You might get stacked, but it's good. Caroline went the other direction. She went for two.

She knows, we know Kevin has had one. And I think Caroline's thinking, I've had one. Yeah, this was a strategic move. I'm just going to go two. Thank you. Yeah. I think this is's thinking, I've had one. Yeah, this was a strategic move. I'm just going to go two. Thank you. I think this is a very, very sharp, very sharp move. Jordan immediately kicked it up to 25. So my concern is that he's wadlording here.

He knows that he's smoked 20 cigarettes. What's on the board here? What's at stake? Yeah, there's money in the table, right? Who gets what? Who's right? I think we have $5 cash. I say we're playing for $150 BJ's gifts are coming.

I have it in my car. How many pizookies is that? That's at least six. You don't like a pizookie? No, they're fine. What is a pizookie? A pizookie is the signature dish of BJ's. It's a cookie with ice cream.

That's it. A pizza cookie, if you will. It's a warm cookie in a cast iron skillet with a scoop of ice cream on top right as it gets out of the oven and it fucking rules. It's really good. It's so gooey. What's your issue with it? Brian is outside the window going, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, that's good.

Brian's got to go. Pizookie is a great work of food genius. When they talk about food on Big Bang Theory, there'll be an agreement in the audience. Right. As long as it's about pizookies. Oh, yeah. I like pretzels. Guys, Brian used to be a wad squire,

but when we mentioned pizookies, he became a wad lord. You know what I mean? Hashtag wad goals for sure. Wad goals. I got to go. I got to go quit my life. Quit your life? Come on. Wad goals? I got to go. I got to go quit my life. Quit your life? Come on.

Waddles? I got to start clean. Enter a fugue state. Move to Arizona. I felt bad. Okay. I am going to split the difference, and I'm going to say eight. Wow.

Wait. Kevin, what was your guess? Oh, well, I never gave a solid number. I just said less than 100. No, then you said was your guess? Oh, well, I never gave a solid number. I just said less than a hundred. No, then you said 99, jackass. Don't try and fuck us out of your gift card. Alright, alright, 99.

I'll stick with it. He's very precious about that gift card. How long have you had that? Probably like three years? It's more sentimental now than practical. That relative died. It's the only thing you have to remember. That's right. From your huge podcast.

From the podcast, yeah. From Grandpa BJ. That's right. Oh, the company sent you. For some reason, I thought it was a family gift, but you were... Oh, no, that would presuppose

anyone listening to anything I did. Right. Of course that's not the case. No, it was a company gift. But corporations do, and that's what matters. Okay, so we have 99 for Kevin. I think I said five as my second guess.

I just want to be honest. Did you update it to five? I said it later. You're updating it to five? Yeah, I'll say five. We have five for Caroline. I have eight, and Jordan has 25. Interesting.

Now, Kevin, you've smoked one cigarette? I've smoked two. Two? Kevin! Did I throw it off? There was a sneaky cig in there. I like it. Wad Lord.

Wad Lord. Wad Lord. Wad goes. Bow down for the Wad King. Yeah. What was the circumstances of the second cigarette that you smoked? It was the same night. Oh.

You were like, I'm going back for seconds. That's right. Did you enjoy it? We had to take cool pictures. Then you're, cool pictures? Put a self had to take cool pictures. Then your... God. Cool pictures. Put a self-timer on the cars. Great, yeah.

Does this relationship work out? She married my best friend. They have two lovely children. Then your grandpa caught you and took you behind the barn to smoke the whole pack. That's right, yeah. Okay.

He flew out to LA. Because he's cool. Mm-hmm. No, he was with it. He rocks. I love smoking. Yeah. Carolyn, just the one? Just the one, yes. Okay, so we have a total of He rocks. I love smoking. Yeah. Carolyn, just the one?

Just the one, yes. Okay, so we have a total of three cigarettes. Zero for me. Wow. Never. For you? I'm saying 20. 20.

Yeah. Now that is not exact. Okay. That is based on... Fuzzy memories. Fuzzy memories. I have had... Fuzzy smoke-cold memories.

I had a good buddy who was... I like to have one when I drink and I would sometimes go out with him and have the cigarette. Dated a woman who had a similar policy. I would go out just to be supportive. That sounds nice. So you were a compassionate social smoker. Yes, exactly. That's great. I went with the flow and did something that was bad for me.

Well, we should all be grateful that none of us ever got addicted to it. That's true. That's a really good point, Kevin. No, I think we should. We were all in danger. And I think there's someone we need to thank for that. Brian. Brian.

His name is Brian. His name is Brian. Yay. You were the X factor in this for me, Jesse, because I was like, well, I know Jesse pretty well. I know that he has not done a lot of things. No. Would you have guessed zero, though? I'm like, I bet.

I'm like, I can see Jesse, you know, a junior high Jesse or a high school Jesse, you know, try. I mean, especially with all the theater kids you grew up around. For context, I went to arts high school. That was what I was thinking. So not smoking cigarettes was a pretty active and affirmative choice. I'm like, there was a cast party where he tried one or something. But no. No, at the cast party, I tried unlimited breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Oh, yeah. But you could put one in your mouth like it was those are addictive. You could put one in your mouth like it was a cigar. Yeah. And you were a tiny man. My comparison. Yeah, see? Okay, we'll be back in just a second

on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, be weird? The production of Jordan, Jesse, Go! is supported by Max Fund members who go to MaximumFund.org slash donate and support the show with a few bucks a month. And we're grateful to every single one of them. We also have another supporter, our friends at Away, makers of first class luggage at a coach price. That's right. They use high quality materials while offering a much lower price by cutting out the middleman and selling directly to you. God, I hate luggage middlemen. I know.

I can't trust them. Those shady, shady corner of their eyes looking. Flipping a quarter up all the time. Flipping it up. Pulling a box truck up to you and rolling up the back and saying, like, hey, want to buy some luggage? Hey, want to buy some luggage? Do not take that person's offer.

They are questionable morally and otherwise. Yes. Stick with Away. Hey, I got myself an Away carry-on. Congratulations. I took that with us to Comic-Con. How'd it go? It went awesome.

It's a great little bag for, like, a short trip. And, I took that with us to Comic Con. How'd it go? It went awesome. It's a great little bag for like a short trip and I mean, I'll say this. I'm not above a little self-reflection. I'm a forgetful guy. But here's the thing about it in a way. It's got a little station where you can charge things with a

USB cord. It'll charge your iPhone five times over and so yeah, if you forget any cables, you can charge them right there in the bag. It's really cool. And there's a lifetime warranty. If anything breaks, they'll fix it or replace it for you for life. Gorgeous. That is gorgeous.

Now, here's the thing, Jordan. Yeah. I don't want to pay too much. This sounds like some ritzy thing. I need, like, a special deal. Okay. Well, if that's what it's going to take to close this thing for me. All right.

Well, they're already offering you a first-class experience at a coach price. I know, but I usually go basic economy, the one where you don't even get your own seat. Here's the thing. Yeah. We'll go lower. If you want $20 off a suitcase, here's what you do. You go to awaytravel.com slash JJGO. You use offer code JJGO at checkout.

That's awaytravel.com slash JJGO. JJGO at checkout. You get $20 off. Do you know what that sounded like to me when you were talking just now? When you said awaytravel.com slash JJGO? It was like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, bo. It was like, music to my ears, friend. Wow. Yeah.

That savings is just what I was waiting for. Perfect. Cut. We got it. Use that take. Awaytravel.com slash JJ Go. We'll be back. Oh, Jesse.

Yeah. I also wanted to do a little plug. Oh, you're going to be? For a live event. On Go Fact Your go fact yourself the uh great max fun podcast hosted by j keith van stratton and helen hong oh i love j keith and helen they're great j keith is my angel's friend yeah and uh helen is my san diego Yeah, there you go. Do you think in San Diego they're like, oh yeah, call me Padre. So I am

going to be on their great comedy trivia show with our good buddy Allison Rosen. Oh, the great Allison Rosen. She's my new best friend. And they that will be released via podcast sometime in the next five or six years. But if you want to see it live, we're doing it downtown L.A. at the Angel City Brewery, Sunday, October 7th at 5 p.m. Sunday, October 7th, 5 p.m., Angel City Brewery.

It's free. So come on down. Oh, that is going to be so fun. If anybody has not listened to Go Fact Yourself or has listened but has not gone to one of those live tapings, it is such a hoot. has not gone to one of those live tapings. It is such a hoot. Helen and Jay Keith are such fun hosts. And there's like the amount of exciting and cool, fun, funny stuff you can learn and enjoy in 90 minutes or whatever when you go to a taping is unfathomable.

Plus, I don't know if you knew this, but there's a new thing at Angel City Brewing, which is a brewery in downtown Los Angeles. They're serving beer there. Interesting. And it sort of clouds your judgment. So it seems even better than it is. Yeah. And it's already really great. Already pretty good.

Yeah. And you can simulate that at home if you'd like to, if you don't live in the Southern California area. You can cloud your judgment ahead of time. Right. Do some pre-clouding. Then just listen to the podcast. Yeah. But, I mean, if you're in the Southern California area, come on.

See it live, baby. See it live. All right. Jordan. Yes. Will you, like, sign an autograph for somebody if they want an autograph? Absolutely. You'll be a little confused as to why they want an autograph, maybe.

Yeah. I mean, that'll be baffling. It's nothing you should want. No. But I'll provide it. Great. Even though you're wrong to want it. Would you sign a butt or something?

Hmm. Oh, boy, I would need a lot of consent. I would need constant consent. They shaved the butt to prep. I would need, like, a contract saying it's okay for me to sign the butt. Well, yeah, of course they're going to bring me a butt contract. Well, if you bring the butt contract. I mean, is it okay if they just bring a standard butt contract or are you going to make amendments?

No, yeah. I'm going to take a pass at it, make sure that all the language is correct. And then in six to eight weeks, I'll sign your butt. You're going to run it by your lawyer, Brad, so he can get his 5%? God, I know Brad needs that 5%, baby, of a butt. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, you know, I'm trying to recreate your signature bad boy cackle.

That time you set the rose parade on fire. Don't cross me. He's crazy. And I'm Caroline, the bread baby. Goo-ga-ga, give me gluten. I really do love bread. You keep talking about breadsticks and pretzels and it's really driving me nuts. What's your top bread? What's your top bread?

Number one. Oh, gosh. Okay. Let's count it down. Number three. Okay, gosh. Okay. Let's count it down. Number three. Okay. Number three. Woo.

There is a breadstick from a local place in Temecula called Pat and Oscar's that made pizza and stuff, and you would get a mustard with it. Oh, what heaven. Okay. That's number three. You get a lot of those. Okay. Number two.

Yeah. Soft pretzel, probably number two. Sure. Gosh. Number one, a flaky biscuit. Just Gold's. No, not Gold's. The ones that come in the can probably a number two. Sure. Gosh, number one, a flaky biscuit, just Gold's. No, not Gold's. The ones that come in the can.

Oh, yeah, sure. Like a Pillsbury. Yeah. I got to say about soft pretzels, this may be a hot take that I've shared on this program before, but you know how you're walking through the train station or the mall and there's a soft pretzel vendor? Yes. train station or the mall and there's a soft pretzel vendor. Yes.

If I remember, your position is that they are never slash rarely as good as the smell they're piping out. And somehow, but I want to offer, as you know, I'm known as the people's champion. Right, right. I'm known for my down to earth attitude. While I reject Auntie Em's at all, entirely, for some reason, I am 100% satisfied by a frozen super pretzel. A frozen super pretzel from the grocery store or at a baseball game or whatever, I am completely happy with. Is that an expectations game because there's no smell coming from the frozen food aisle? The promise of freshness.

Could be, yeah. I think those Auntie Em's pretzels and equivalent, too sweet for me. Okay, well, that's my aunt, so that's super messed up. Oh, wow. Sorry, Dorothy, I guess. I should say, Jessie, you also insulted me because my father is John Wetzel. Oh, wow. Do you know that Wetzel, that's the real name.

And that sounds like such fucking bullshit, doesn't it? It sounds stupid. But the man who started it is like Jeremy Wetzel. And he was, okay, so my old boss was friends with Mr. Wetzel. And at the time that he was starting... That sounds like a slur, by the way. I'm big into bread bits.

Was your boss O. Range Julius? I loved your face. Just blooming into the sweetest smile as you said that. It was great. But he said when Mr. Wetzel was starting that company, he was like throwing around other names of California pretzels or like Cali Rolls or whatever. Phil's Pretzels. Yeah, and everyone was kind of like, just Wetzel's pretzels. Don't be stupid.

Yeah. And now they're a millionaire. My mom will drop on me like, she had this whole, before I was born, I was born when she was in her late 30s and she had moved recently to the West Coast from Washington, D.C. where she was from. But between when I was born at when she was 36 or 37 or something like that, and when she went to college at 18, she had this entire adult life that included a marriage, a divorce, like all this different stuff that was in 3,000 miles from where

I ever knew her. And she will mention things to me as though I understand the context because she lived it. Like I received it from her when I grew inside her. But it is actually just a completely mysterious 20 years of her life to me. And among them are, she'll just be like, oh yeah, well, when I used to make clothes for Miles Davis or something. And I'll be like, when you used to make clothes for Miles Davis? Wait, hold on.

But two of those things are, one time the colonel stayed on her sofa. What? Of KFC fame? Yeah. The actual Colonel Sanders. Oh my gosh. He somehow knew her first husband and stayed at their house once. And she was like, hey, maybe you want some gravy and biscuits tonight.

He's like, that gives me an idea. Exactly. The second one is for a side dish for my already established chicken restaurant. What a gripping origin story. Yeah. I got to stop serving sushi with my fried chicken. Right, yeah. But gravy, that's it.

Oh. And the other one is that she was friends with famous Amos. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Friends with famous Amos is a claim that my mother has made. She's like the Forrest Gump of good food. I do not have a way to evaluate these claims.

I want to be clear. There's no photographic evidence of her and the colonel or her and famous Amos. So it's either this is true or your mom is a sociopath. My mom may be a sociopath. I would not put it past my mom. Okay. But let's believe the best. She's a lot of fun, though.

She's like a lot of sociopaths. And that first marriage was to the Honey Nut Cheerios bee, right? The bee. Who then left her, tragically, for the Honey Bunches of Oats lady working at the factory. It was more compatible.

Bee movie. It's also a reference. It's another thing that involves bees. I was just thinking about it. Jordan. Yes. You guested on Good Christian Fun, our guest's podcast. Did I ever.

And you grew up in like a mainstream evangelical Christian household, right? Yeah, kind of. We were kind of on and off churchies. But when we were on, it was a, yeah, it was kind of a cool SoCal Baptist-ish kind of scene. Yes. What about you guys? Grew up evangelical Christian my whole life, pretty much, yeah. And we were in like the Midwest for a short stretch, and then I was in California from like third grade on.

Went to Christian high school, went to Christian everything. Are we talking like mega church evangelical Christian, boring evangelical Christian, or like something cool like snake handling? Wow. Okay, snake handling. That is interesting. Okay. Snake handling. That is interesting. No. Pretty boring. Kind of like a smaller, smaller mega church.

Like have you heard of the Calvary Chapel? Yeah. Franchise of churches. So I went to a Calvary Chapel high school and elementary school. So we were sort of associated with that. Dr. Cavalry actually stayed at my mom's house. He was one of the guys. And his name was Cavalry.

A lot of people... Yeah. That's why they named him as a mistake. Yeah, so that's me. I grew up in Texas and I had a nice mix of... I did go to just kind of like...

kind of the Texas equivalent of like a chill, kind of laid-back Baptist church where a youth group is fun, but also let's be penitent for such and such. It wasn't the boring kind. It was like a nice, fun social but also let's be penitent for such and such. It wasn't the boring kind.

It was like a nice, fun social scene. What were you penitenting for? Oh, gosh. For what were you penitenting? Oh, I mean, for, well, I was a guy, and I have been most of my life. And Caroline's doing the motion. It's for J&O. Yeah.

It's always for J&O. It's filling his feet. Men's group. You don't become the bad boy. It's for J&O. Yeah. It's always for J&O. It's filling his seat. Men's group is for J&O. You don't become the bad boy. Yeah. So it's just you go and you hang out and you all take out your crank banks. And then you take out a stick and you hit each other in the head. There's apps.

Like there's a real app called Triple X Church. You can install it on your phones and apps or on all your devices and your computer. And it'll monitor the websites you go to. And if you have an accountability list attached to it, it'll send emails to the guys like, Kevin was J-O on Tuesday night, so here's your alert. Does it have AI and starts to pick up like, hey, you're visiting a lot of Kermit sites,

so we're just going to block that. Well, no, it's triggered by the website, not by whether I J-O or not. Right. It can't tell. Yeah, it's not a camera system. I'd just say if it's learning. Yeah. There's facial recognition. Who's to say there's not dong recognition out there?

I can see the algorithm. Initially, it lets you know that you're visiting, you know, youporn.com or whatever. Not that I know the name of pornographic websites, of course. Yeah, whatever it is. No, no, no. This sounds like made up stuff.

But like if you're Kermit sites, that was the real thing. That was the. There's some nice shit on DeviantArt. But then it starts to recognize the number of ripped Sonic the Hedgehogs that you're looking at. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's like I have a migraine headache tracking app on my phone that will say, good morning. Can I guess your sleep pattern for last night?

Which I don't know what it's guessing based on. It's so weird, Jesse, because I think like Kevin mentioned, there's kind of an accountability factor. Your migraine app actually texts me whenever you jail. Why did it just buzz now? Is it a trigger or is this something I should be paying attention to? That's less accountability and more of a brag.

It's like hey give that buddy a high five. I mean Jordan I do get a lot of migraines. Sure, that's true. A lot of migraines. And you have a very short refractory period. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

But I also went to an assembly of God church growing up, too, which was not literally snake handling, but a close approximation. Hands on the forehead. Snake appreciating. Yeah. Snakes on a plane handling. We handled the DVD right into the trash can. Because of all those swear words. I got pushed down during a prayer.

Oh, my gosh. At that church, yeah. By a force wave? Yeah. It felt like it. No. The scenario was I went up. It was during a song, and I went to the front of the altar, which was something that people did just to get like a little bit closer to the action.

And there was a man praying. There's a few men praying for different people. And oftentimes they would just like lay a hand on your shoulder and it's just symbolic and just like speak a prayer over you, blah, blah, blah. But this guy laid his hand on my forehead and i'm 11 years old at the time uh so not consenting i guess is what i'm getting underage at some point during the prayer he just starts pushing me down and i'm fighting it and he just whispers under his breath let go and then and i fall back people catch me take a little nap on the floor. That sounds nice. Yeah, the nap part was fun.

There are some people who will say, whoa, I was slain in the spirit. And they just fall backward naturally. But this guy really wanted it to happen. My church experience, I was a pretty regular churchgoer as a kid, I would say. What flavor? Mega? Ebbed and flowed a little bit, but I would say, like, I probably went to church half of the Sundays of my childhood. Pretty good.

And all of my priests were gay. Wow. Wait, openly? Literally. Or are you, like, not sure? No, no, definitely openly. 100% openly. Oh, cool.

Like all of the weird things they did at the churches that I attended, which were all Episcopalian churches. Like the one that I went to as a little kid, pretty straightforward. I mean San Francisco-y, so gayer than most. But like besides that, pretty straightforward. You know, there's two kinds of Episcopalians. There's the ones that where women and gays aren't allowed to do anything. And then there's the ones who are chill about it. It's definitely the chill about it. just tweeted me the other day that she was there on a Sunday. But like this church that was like almost too chill. Like...

Everyone naked? They had built their own... They were just playing volleyball? Everyone had to do a dumb dance together every time. So, like, everyone went from the seating area to a sort of standing area, a rotunda. And you had to, like, put your hand on the shoulder of the person next to you and do a funny dance in a circle while someone played a drum and they sang a song.

Wow. So your church was just a series of icebreakers and then it ends. I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing apples. I'm going to the picnic and I'm bringing bananas. Now close your eyes and we're going to play a game of Zip Zap Zop. Christ is going to the picnic. Christ is going to the picnic and he's bringing God's love. If Jesus was a dessert, he'd be cheesecake.

Indeed. If he was a website, he'd be cheesecake. Indeed. If he was a website, he'd be Kermit Sites. I don't like the stereotype that's come up against me. In that rotunda where you did the dance. I actually worked at this church for a little while. It was a really lovely place. What was your job there, sir? They would have early music concerts there and weddings and stuff.

And it was my job to be like the person who supervised the facilities. Oh, yeah. Okay. You know, like just show where the folding chairs are and make sure that everything gets put back. Yeah, that kind of thing. And it was a great job. So you go up there for an hour, set everything up, go down into the basement, look at websites for a few hours, go back up for half an hour. Caroline?

Nothing. What? I don't see. Just like regular, just like Kermit stuff. Nothing gross. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kermit sites.com. And, you know, occasionally a Gonzo site.

You know. Gonzo's a fuck boy. Yeah. Him and those chickens. You know. The nose of his He's hot Can't deny it

So in that rotunda Where we did the dance The embarrassing dance There were these Like icons painted Doing the dance With each other Oh

And the icons were of Saints They were called saints And some of them were Christian saints But others of them were Christian saints. But others of them were like mathematician Paul Erdos and

Malcolm X and a bear. And Prince. It was a famous bear from history. I don't remember what bear it was. The Shakespeare bear? But it was... These are pictures of Genghis Khan. It was like almost, I would say, exhausting.

That's weird. So was that every week that you did that? Or was it like a once a year ceremony? No, no. The dumb dancing was every week. Interesting. What was the dance supposed to mean? It was like one of these things where they,

the guys that were the founders of the church, they were like into like Christianity across the globe and also early Christianity. And so they would just like pick stuff and make everyone do it. Okay. Basically. There's a potpourri of Christianity influences. Yeah. Like it was really – it was – I found it – Okay. Basically. There's a potpourri of Christianity influences. Yeah. Globally. It was really – I found it – I mean I'm glad that they like gays and everything.

They were all very nice and it was a nice place to work. Yeah, that's a good example. Yeah, because there's content things, there's substance things, and then there's execution things. Yeah. And sometimes the substance can be good and the execution can be very bad. But the other day I was at my cabin. I was reading the autobiography of Malcolm X. And there's this famous story that he retells in there where he is speaking at some Nation of Islam event.

white lady takes a cab from her house in you know the uh the upper east side or whatever to harlem i think which is where his uh where the his original mosque was and that he goes there and she goes there and she says what can i do to help and he says nothing please leave um and i'm like do we are we supposed to think that like malcolm x would be stoked to be in this Episcopalian mural? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like Malcolm X thought other things. Yeah.

And that's why no films or movies or TV shows should depict any historical figures after they die. Yeah. That's a good point. Because they cannot consent. Just like you. Exactly. When that old man was pushing on your forehead. So if you're thinking about John McCain biopic, how about don't?

I feel bad for watching Seabiscuit this weekend. Because? That horse didn't have any say. Nope. That horse didn't have any say in anything in its life. That's true. It is wild. Any animal in a movie, they don't know what's going on.

Yeah. They don't know they're famous. There's just a lot of people. Yeah. Right. Now, Jordan. Yes.

You brought something for us. I brought something. So I was on the GCF podcast. Yes. Great, Jess. I had a blast. It was so fun. This is fun.

It's basically the most fun I've ever had podcasting. Jesse. Which episode of JJ Go is this? You guys are in the 540s right in there yeah and that i mean jordan quick check i still own these mics right yes thank god yeah yeah yeah okay um and yeah so some something it was very fun to talk about with you guys was a an aspect of my growing up that was very very particular in that that, you know, this is the 90s.

So, you know, your punk music, your ska music is just starting to make its way onto the airwaves from the underground, from the clubs into, you know, national prominence. From the streets of South Central. Exactly. Oh, yeah, sure. I love South Central ska. Oh, yeah, sure. I love South Central, Scott. Oh, yeah, right. Exactly.

And then also being part of the hip Christian youth group world, there were the bad imitations of what was on the radio. And it's this very weird little pocket of music of people doing this style but adding Christian messages. It's very weird, and I have, yes, I have a lot of memories of it, and it was nice to be able to talk about it with people who kind of also experienced that. And something that I could not remember, something that was on the tip of my tongue

while we were talking, was the fact that there was a Blink-182 style pop punk song about abstinence. Gave it up. And now this is like, there's... Yeah, I'll give it up for... Wait, hey, save it, everybody. Save it. Yeah.

Because there are multiple lanes of this, right? Because there are multiple lanes of this, right? Like in the ska pop punk community, some of those bands were Christian. Yeah. But the music was not for the Christian market specifically or like it wasn't like real big fish maybe were Christian. Is that true? No. I'm trying to remember. Yeah.

I think like – I think a good example that maybe some people know is like MXPX. They played that kind of Blink-182-y, fast drumming, power chord-y pop punk. And I think were Christian and did not swear but like rarely mentioned Christ. Right. But still maybe earned the ranking among Christian kids and be like, mom, I can listen to MXP. Excuse me, Christian. Right. Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah. So. So, yeah. So if mom heard that from your bedroom and came, what's this racket? You could, you know, point to several sources saying that, you know, Mike Herrera and the boys actually loved the Lord. By the way, Jordan, before I forget.

Good pull, by the way, Jordan. Knowing that guy's name. From your episode in which we talked about the punk ska rock band Five Iron Frenzy. Yes. That did inspire singer Reese Roper to write us a long email telling us how he's not actually for Trump. As we stated on the episode. Forward me the evil!

We meant to, but yeah. God, oh, I can't wait. He was upset. Yeah. I thought a little bad. I mean, yeah, but he wasn't mean. He was not mean. Uh-huh, yeah.

But, yeah. God, I want to stop this episode right now. And we're inviting Reese onto the show for a debate. Good, good, good. A lot of confrontation. Anyway. Good, good, good. Anyway. Anyway, so I, you know, and I think we were talking about, you know, and a lot of this kind of music is very general. And I think by design, too, because the idea, I think, behind it was to, you know, something for the Christian kids to listen to so they don't feel so square.

But also, maybe if you have some friends who have not met the Lord yet they hear these sick beats oh I do this to this day and they're like hey what's this this is just some indie band that I listen to and they have kind of a cool

message too me and some guys like to hang out on Saturday nights and just talk about life and how hard it is to be a teen. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. Yeah, we have pizza. So yeah. Ski skateboard.

It I think is a – it was a tool. It was an evangelizing tool. And so there – Effective, honestly. Absolutely. Absolutely. And by design, it had to be very, very general. Absolutely. And by design, it had to be very, very general. But I did remember that there was a pop punk song specifically about abstinence. And it was my mind was blown just because it was that particular style and also about something so specific, saving it for marriage. And I could not remember the name of the band. And like on my way home, it hit me like a bolt of lightning

from the Lord himself. Like a virgin penis. Yes, like a virgin penis hitting my leg on my mom's couch. So clean. Wow, this feels pure. Untainted. Right. Sorry. All I did was

mention Kermit's side. I've never J-O'd to Kermit. I want listeners to know that. Sounds like you have. You draw the line at Miss Piggy. He just liked to look at it. Well, Miss Piggy can get it, if we're all being honest. Yeah, Miss Piggy can get it.

What about Janice? How do you feel about Janice? Janice, I like her because I feel like, unfortunately, plastic surgery gone wrong always ends up looking like Janice. Yeah. Ultimately. Sure, sure, sure. Which is very sad.

I feel like the longer I live in Los Angeles, the more I feel like I could settle down with Janice maybe in a nice place in Malibu. Oh, yeah. Oh, she's a- I see Janice as a Laurel Canyon kind of girl. Yeah. She's up in the hills. She's very cool.

She's living her life. She likes to smoke. Maybe go over to James Caan's house for a barbecue every now and then. Oh, no. So anyway, so I wanted to, the band is called Philmore, P-H-I-L-M-O-R-E. And I found the song. It's got like 300 views on YouTube. Jordan, do you know why it's called Philmore with a P-H?

No idea. Is it possible that there was one Phil in the band and then another guy named Phil joined? Oh, it could be. It could be. It could be two or three Phils. Wow. Honestly, I think in most Christian bands, you have at least one Phil. Okay.

Yeah, by law. Anyway, so I wanted to, maybe we thought we could play a little bit. Hopefully, I don't know how much, you know, I don't know how litigious these guys are. Well, we're talking about it we're and I'm a professional culture critic we're great

so yeah so Brian do you want to and it has some and I upon further listen it has upon listening

you know now it has some audacious lyrics anyway let's Brian can you play it I cannot wait Willie's standing face to face

everybody in the place this is about them getting married. This is about their wedding day. Back up the aisle? Did they just run happy with happy? Yeah. Did we just run happy with happy? Yeah.

Calling up what it's probably like to get married. Aww. You were worth the wait. God told him to wait. Couldn't see the light. I look ahead and see your face. I had so many chances Yeah. So many.

I could have bought you. I could have bought you. A lot of times. Listen, college was practically a buffet. Yeah. Oh, boy. I'm in a band. And I've been Phil Moore.

I'm the second Phil. Oh, these guys didn't go to college. It seems a very hard time. Hey. Phil! Oh, these kids didn't go to college. Hey. Very hard sometimes. You know, it's hard sometimes. I feel like if I had not had sex by the time I was in my early 20s, it would be hard all the time. Yeah.

Do we get the flavor? Can we? Do we need to? Anyway. So that was. Brian, I'm going to need a little more flavor, buddy. Hit me with that flavor. Can I ask you a question, Jordan?

Yeah. Now, this is a language to which you are native, I would say. Yes. Are you saying abstinence language? Yes. Come on. But the world of- I speak saving it.

The world of melodic punk music- Yes. Is something that you've spent your teenage years surrounded by, absorbing, and enjoying. Sure. And it's become your life's work. It has become my life's work, by the way. I am in Screeching Weasel. I was not one of the original members.

When I hear this song, I think that I find it both indistinguishable from every other song of the genre every other song of the genre and slightly pleasurable in the way that I find every other song of the genre. I am both surprised at how competent and enjoyable it is. And I'm wondering if I am like the reverse version of people who are like, all rap sounds the same to me. It's just black people talking. So here's what I think is interesting about this, why I remembered it all these years. Because, you know, I didn't like this band. I didn't go to see this band.

This is your favorite band. This is my favorite band. But I think that does speak to it. Now it's your favorite band. Because the content is ridiculous. But also, I don't know, it kind of works. It kind of works. Yeah, they got that down. Those harmonies come in at the right time.

Those drums come in at the right time. They duplicated it way better than most of those. It's a very good mimic. Yes, it is, absolutely. Yeah, and as far as substance and style stuff goes, they have the style. They do. So even if the substance is kind of iffy, it still works. Wait, what do you mean iffy?

I mean- The substance is perfect. And good. It simulates what it feels like to get married. I'll be on a minute, Mom. Just crank up this song. I'm abstinence after marriage oh man

still going I just looked it up this band is from Tulsa Oklahoma which is the place of my birth your hometown oh hey

local boys which makes sense for me local boys make good yeah yes so audacious lyrics is the audacious lyric that we're talking about

the one about how hard it was? that too? yeah yeah do you think they knew what they were doing when they put that in? they're like this is one for the fellas yeah we all have the J-O app ladies thinks it's romance but we know it

I think a few people in our audience have gotten a boner I do like the idea of them seeing this as an insidious way to make kids want to be abstinent. Right. Well, it just rocks so hard. So, yeah, I guess I'm, yeah, no sex forever. And before they went out, they all like huddled up in prayer circle and was like, hey, guys, let's kill some boners and try some pussies tonight. One, two, three, boner killers.

Boner killers. guys, let's kill some boners and try some pussies tonight. One, two, three, boner killers. Boner killers. And this is not for punk specifically, and like the melodic punk that Jesse is so, that Jordan is so familiar with, but this is kind of a subgenre in Christian music,

which is the abstinence anthem. There are. Are there more? There are dozens. So this is not an anomaly? It might be an anomaly for the punk stuff, but there's a lot in pop music. There's a lot from the female perspective in pop music. Oh, interesting.

Because think about it. If you're a musician who's a hardcore Christian and you're writing about romance before you've been married, it only goes so far. I mean, you can only talk about Chick-fil-A dates so much in a song. Chick-fil-A dates. Yeah, like once. And then he did it in the sauce. No, no, no, no, no. You had so many choices.

Did not get lost. So you can only go so far and you just have to sing about your passion in somewhere or another. Okay. And you sing about the lack of it. You don't want to get into dangerous territory like a rowboat. I do. Right. Oh, do. Right.

Oh, man. Yeah. But I do appreciate that there is a, so to speak, happy ending in this song and that it's the wedding day. So it's like, don't worry. This guy's going to fuck. We're going to sex the shit out of each other in a hot sec. But for a lot of the anthems, it is like one day.

Like one of the big ones is Wait For Me by Rebecca St. James, which the chorus is, I'm waiting for you. Wait for me as I wait for you. So it's like, I'm saving it. And then she married. I'm doing 15 to life. Yeah, that's right. There is a lyric in this one like, you know,

it's the choice I made and you made the same choice too. So there's a like, you better not have fucked either. Yeah, no, gosh darn it. Ivan, what were all his shots at fucking? I mean, he bragged, basically bragged about how often, how many times he could have fucked. Like if she's not on board for fucking, then how many times could he have fucked realistically?

Sure. Well, I mean, how many cigarettes has he smoked? Let's go around the room. That's in the bridge. We didn't listen to that. Are there... Okay, so did any of you guys grow up in a church culture that explicitly expected abstinence of you?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Was it... What counts as abstinence? Oh, boy. We're getting into the line. That'sence? Oh, boy. We're getting into the line. That's a good question, Jesse.

You know, I heard a pastor say one time, if you're wondering how close to the line you're supposed to be, you're doing something wrong. You need to get out of there. Sure, get out of that rowboat. Exactly. Yeah, for youth group stuff. They had to be amorphous enough to not turn anyone on.

Because if they got super specific, it'd be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, that sounds great. And we've heard stories of people getting turned on. And not having been turned on before, but getting turned on by the talk

about why you shouldn't do it. It's so filthy. Hearing the description of someone, like what it feels like to cum. It feels really good, guys, but you shouldn't do it now. Don't do it, even though it feels awesome. It feels so good. You don't.

You don't do it. Don't do it. And you're going to want to. Because of how good it feels, you're going to want to. And I prepared a slideshow. This is my face during the act. But you don't want to have this face unless it's made. Oh, man.

Here's the sounds of my beautiful wife. Oh, boy. So, yeah, it was pretty explicit, I think, for both of us all throughout our evangelical We're the two of you. And if at any point I ask a question that you're uncomfortable answering, just tell us. Were the two of you, and if at any point I ask a question that you're uncomfortable answering, just tell us. Were the two of you committed to that actually? Like I went to this church many times and had a lovely time and everyone there was very nice.

And I was definitely an atheist the whole time. But like everyone was super chill about it because it was like the kind of church where they wouldn't really care as long as you came and you had some fellowship during the coffee hour or whatever. Cut a rug at the top of the service a little bit and then got back up there. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Even up until my, how old am I? 28.

Up until my late 20s. Wow. That was the case. Yeah. Wow. Had you been turned on? No, not yet. I'm waiting for that.

It's a dead zone down there is what we like to call it. No, it is wild. This is the one part of Christianity that I do feel like is still very strange. I mean, there's many parts that are very strange. But the one that's still kind of off-putting in a weirdly neutral way.

Not like in a political way. like you believe bad shit about women or gay people or people of a certain race, but like a value system that feels like an attack sometimes. Like Yvonne Orgy from Insecure, famously a virgin as well, because she's saying, I'm waiting for one of the most gorgeous women alive, co-star of that show. And she's like, no, I believe this. And this is what I'm doing with my body and my sexuality. And it can still be a little. It's odd. But, yeah.

Wow. And the air is sucked out of the room. I just feel like it would be so hard, especially if you're trying not to masturbate. Like, I feel like if they were like guys, if they were like guys, crank it all day and all night, you know, a couple of times a day, it'll keep you from having sex before marriage. I can see that. Like if you just, if you just get rid of all your sexual forces. Right. I think there are some Christians that are kind of on that, that point of like, man, if you're okay, if you really can't deal anymore,

just crank one. I've heard that. And then go back to no touching anybody. I have heard, I have heard it explained that it is, it is okay as long as it's being used

for relaxation. Yes, yeah. Or like, I'm thinking about the ocean. As long as you're, Whales sound! Aloha! Oh boy.

Well, I don't know if a luau is relaxing. I guess it is. As far as parties go. There's all these strange loopholes to it. But yeah, if it's a desert of just like no sexual activity at all whatsoever, that would be tough. That sounds rough to me. Yeah, but I think honestly a lot of people kind of come to terms with it too. And it's like this kind of like, I won't think about it.

And then eventually it just kind of becomes neutral I think after a while. I also think that the stakes of romance would be so extraordinarily high that it would be madness. Well, and that's why you see a lot of marriages at 22, 23 years old. Like much earlier than you see the median age of marriage in most of culture. You see it at a very young age because that's a big part of it. Yeah. Because you feel ready. Yeah.

Right. Because you're ready for it. Well, and that's the only time we could and we can't help it anymore. So we might as well just get married and then we don't have to worry about the shame or the sinful aspect of our relationship. We can just be, you know, holy about it or something. It is the one thing, uh,

a friend of ours brought this up. It is the one, uh, quote unquote sin that changes completely just in context. So murder is murder in every context, right? Well, within the confines of a loving marriage.

I mean, if you didn't, if you didn't plan it ahead of time, it's murder too. Exactly. But it's the one thing where it's like, oh, over there is bad. A loving, consensual relationship. And I'm married. That's bad.

Are you married? It's great. And it's just a, it's a paperwork thing. So the message is the Lord is very concerned about that marriage license in the state of California saying like saying, like, oh, yeah, go to Poundtown now because the state has recognized it. It's administration. You need to follow protocol. That's right. Here you go.

Signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Ghost. Speaking of, speaking of heat, it's getting a little hot in here. You guys want to take a quick break? Let's take a break. Open the door. Yes. La, la, la, just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. I'm just going to end with this. Everybody, you're doing a remarkable

job of swimming through the shit show that is parenting. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Now I know what you're thinking. I'm no nerd.

I wouldn't listen to a Star Trek podcast. If you're listening to any podcast, you're a nerd. Just admit it. We're all in the school's band practice room having our lunch together away from the rest of the school. Yeah. And we're here to tell you about our Star Trek podcast. Yeah. And even if you don't even like Star Trek that much, but you are a nerd, which admit it, you are, you will like this show.

You shouldn't be too ashamed to subscribe and download The Greatest Generation on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, fact, during the break, producer Brian, World's Most Supportive Laughter, came in and said not only was he a fan of Phil Moore growing up, but apparently there is more than one abstinent song on that album.

Y'all ready for this? Don't do it. Don't have sex. They've really changed their style. Yeah, I really like, I prefer their high energy Don't have sex. They've really changed their style. You got one song. Yeah, I really liked, I preferred their high energy work to their pop punk work. Kind of space jam feel. Kind of jock jam, sure, yeah. Well, really, no jam. Yeah, sure.

Jamming in your pants. Keep it there. Jamming. Yeah, your penis. Sexually. Yeah, that's right. Take it out for peeing. Or vagina. Hey, thank you. Thank you for saying that. Sexually. Yeah, that's right. Take it out for peeing. Or vagina.

Hey, thank you. Thank you for saying that. Or? Neither. Butt. All right. Keep it all in your pants. Keep it all in your pants.

Okay, we got some calls. Hopefully they're about Fillmore. Yeah. Brian, can you play the first one? Or at least Mallard Fillmore. Nice. Cartoon strip character. at least Mallard Fillmore. Nice. Cartoon strip character. You guys ever watch Fillmore Girls?

That's what the groupies called themselves. Oh, okay. Sure, sure. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. Hey, Kerry, Kenny, Silver. It's a beautiful morning. I was just driving to work through downtown Portlandia,

I was just driving to work through downtown Portlandia, and all of a sudden a guy just chucked a full jar of peanut butter across the street in front of me and just kept going like nothing happened. He seemed to be pretty upset with that peanut butter. Must have been chunky, and he wanted smooth. I don't know. Anyways, thanks. Have a good day. Keep Portland weird, huh? Yeah, throw in some peanut butter. Must have been chunky and he wanted smooth. I don't know. Anyways, thanks. Have a good day. Keep Portland weird, huh? Yeah, throw in some peanut butter.

So weird up there, guys. I love it. I mean, to me, that's my favorite kind of humor, which is very random. Love random. I love random. Do you guys like it when things get a little awkward? Awkward.

Awkward. Awkward. One of these awkward turtle guys. Oh, my gosh. Guys, sometimes I'm like, something happens and I'm like, wait, what? I don't even know what's going on. Honestly, flying peanut butter, that's not a thing. It's not even a thing? No.

When that guy threw the peanut butter across the street, I'm like, so that happened. Wow. Okay. guy uh when that guy threw the peanut butter across the street i'm like uh so that happened wow hashtag blessed so that happened thank you god work this is a great podcast still in movies so that happened i know it's amazing how much people will say so that happened and that's not a thing and that's not a thing it's like still going strong also still going strong someone gets hurt i'm okay i'm okay well here's what i think here's what i here's i've heard something about that i've worked in television a little bit okay so i guess t executive over here okay all right all right apparently louis ck over here because he worked in TV. Right. He did.

Worked in TV for years. Apparently, TV networks like to have that, I'm okay, just so no one gets scared for the characters. So sometimes that, I'm okay. Confuse people that don't know it's a fiction? Yeah. I think there's a Simpsons episode where Grandpa falls down. Listen, I listen to a lot of Simpsons DVD comic areas. I love those. I used to rip those and make those podcasts from the DVDs using handbrake.

That sounds really cool. Wait, are you saying network TV is playing to dumb people? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Darn it. I know. Anyway, but yeah, some of that other stuff, I'm so surprised people still do that.

So do you have an explanation for babies wearing sunglasses while Bad to the Bone plays? I mean, this is good comedy because that's kind of random, right? The execs like to know that the babies are cool. The people at home. Right. Is this baby cool? How could I know? We get so many letters when the babies aren't cool.

So if you guys can just add that. That explains the new character on The Good Doctor season two. Cool baby? Yeah. Scalpel? I don't think so. Master Juice. Hello, nurse.

I have a soft spot. He's losing blood. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Wow. Bad to the bone. I'm saying he's bad to the bone. This baby is so bad.

And cool. So bad. This baby is so bad, he doesn't even take the Hippocratic Oath seriously? He does not. He calls it a Hippocrite Oath. The only swears I do are fuck and bitch. Oh, wow. Fucking bitch.

Wow. I draw the line at asshole. I won't say the C word. Right. You won't swear except for those. Should we take another call? Let's do it. By the way, can I just say, before we take this call,

Should we take another call? Let's do it. By the way, can I just say, before we take this call, it occurred to me after the call had completed that probably it was a shatterproof plastic jar of peanut butter. A glass jar of peanut butter that shatters as it's thrown across the street is a lot cooler to me. In fact, I'd go so far as to call it bad to the bone. Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- go this is Robin from Sebastopol California I am calling with a momentous occasion I had a lesbian threesome sex dream and that wasn't the momentous part really what happened at the end was that one of the other girls called you guys to give in her momentous occasion about losing her virginity in a lesbian threesome so that's's it, guys. Have a great day.

Bye. I'm going to say this. Yeah. That's great. I'm glad we've invaded her dreams in that way. That's an honor. You're in her subconscious. Yeah.

Oh, I thought this was a real story. I missed the dream intro. Oh, no. Yeah. I was like, dang. Okay, sorry. Sorry. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Okay. Booga. Okay, sorry.

Okay. Oh, booga. Sorry. Okay, three sequins. Thugs at color. Boy, this is our inception, I think. Yeah, but here's the thing, though, Jordan. Yeah. This is our inception, I think.

Yeah. But here's the thing, though, Jordan. Yeah. The part that disappointed me was when she gave a nice, healthy storyteller's pause after saying lesbian threesome dream. I was disappointed that it wasn't Lady Jessie and Lady Jordan that were in this threesome. Oh, okay. Yeah. I just feel like that would have been a ton of fun. It would have been really cool. And the fact that one of the ladies called in is still cool.

And if I hadn't had that other thought, it would be really cool. Yeah. Very little disappointed. It's like I just went into it with these expectations and the pretzel came back too sweet. So to be clear, the disappointment comes from this woman who's a regular listener of the show. Seems to love you guys. Calls in and participates in the show.

Yeah. And does dream about your podcast in a way. In a very direct way. Right. But the criticism is not enough. Not quite enough. It's that she didn't transmogrify us into women.

That is insulting now that I think about it. Would I still have a beard? Right. No, it raises the question. Or would it just be my pretty eyelashes? Would I still have these handsome jorts? I like to think so. Oh, yeah.

That seems like me. I like to think so. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and swimmer's shoulders. Mm-hmm. I think so. Yeah. Here's the thing, and swimmer's shoulders. Mm-hmm. I think so. Yeah. Here's the thing.

We love all our listeners. Mm-hmm. Especially the ones who call us at 206-984-4FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. They're so smooth. To share their momentous occasions. Yeah. But they know that when they do that,

I'm going to have questions and concerns. I'm going to have a few notes. It's just the reality. I'm a creative executive. You're an optimizer. And as just if we're giving notes to this stream, after the lesbian threesome, if someone could just pop a thumbs up and go,

I'm okay! Or at least say, I could get used to this. Or a third was like, that's gonna hurt. Check, please. Just a bit outside. Hard pass. Welcome to Punching Up Dreams with Jordan and Jesse. hard pass welcome to punching up dreams i think i think that if there's any two entertainers in the world and i use the term entertainers broadly but because i'm including jordan and i sure but

if there are any two people tangentially involved in the entertainment industry who are more qualified to punch up orgies, I would like to know who they are. I think that's Jordan in my sweet spot. We have 12 years of experience offering notes on people calling in to describe their group sex. Yeah. And that's a big thing that people look for in orgies is the guys giving notes in the corner. They love that. For some of us, that's our kink.

What were you going to say? Lurking with a notepad. Oh, girl, let me pick your nits. I'll be a nitpicker, baby. Oh, yeah, save the cat, baby. All my notes would be, can we make this less gross, please? Ew. Clean up on aisle three.

That's very good. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin Porter, bad boy, virgin of Pasadena. Caroline Ely, cleanest shoes in the block. Jesse, you're nice enough to do this for me once in a while.

Sometimes, you know, between segments. It's up. It's up. Sure. Yeah. Once in a while, between segments, you're nice enough to allow. What to do to die today in a minute or two.

Unique New York. You're nice enough to reset me up for like a funny remark I'll make off Mike. Because I, you know. Oh, that is nice. It's my only joy. Yeah. So I, yeah. Well, you're a cat in certain

video games. Yeah, that's true. Do you have a cat? Yeah, I do have a cat. She I, yeah. Well, you're a cat in certain video games. Yeah, that's true. Do you have a cat? Yeah, I do have a cat. She's really nice. Y'all talked about this a couple of times. And sometimes I play a video game that has a cat in it. For instance, Persona 5. Garfield for the PC.

Which is very boring apart from the cat. I have not played Animal Crossing. Animal Crossing's fun. Yeah. I don't know. It's all right. Maybe not my thing. You write, it's one of the best letter writing video games.

I love to write. If you love correspondence, oh, you're going to love this. Yum, yum. Digital letters. If you're like, this first-person shooter is cool, but there's not enough enormous peaches in it. Where's the stationery? Carolyn, you did a great job with clean up onle 3 regarding the call about the lesbian threesome. And then off mic, you alley-ooped it with Clean Up on Aisle 3-Way.

Oh, guys. Thank you so much. We were all doing something different. I just went da, da, da, da. Like I was Morse. Guys, I didn't sing anything. You know why? Because you're cool.

I'm bad to the bone. I'm not going to rate and review this one on iTunes. Cool Baby doesn't rate and review? No, I'll still listen. Too cool for it, huh? Where's my baggie of Cheerios and cigarettes? Wow. What a show, huh?

What a fun show. Yeah. Well, Kevin and Caroline, what a joy it's been to have you here on our program. Thank you for having us. Thank you. It's so fun. We're very fond of you and we're grateful that you took the time to be on our show. Thank you for having us. What fun. So fun. We're very fond of you and we're grateful that you took the time to be on our show.

Thank you. You as well, gentlemen. I do want to sincerely say that I had such a blast on Good Christian Fun. It was so fun. Really? Yes, I've been enjoying subsequent episodes. Oh, thank you, sir. It's a blast and I think everyone should listen. No matter

what your faith or belief system is, I think there's a lot of fun and humor on the show. It's not for Christians. It's for everybody. It's for everybody. Yeah, that's the idea. And you definitely go deep on some very weird particular pop culture. I couldn't like the show more, and you two are a delight. Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. And Kevin, I just want to say that when I said that you had more chest hair than I expected, it wasn't because you're not virile. He's more masculine. This happens every couple of days. He's going to unbutton from the below now. Whoa! Dude!

Your happy trail is incredible! Covered in hair. That's a pissed off trail. Wow. I think it looks great. Thank you. Incredible. Covered in hair. That's a pissed off trail. Oh, my God. Wow. No, no, no, no. I think it looks great. Thank you. And I just want you to know that I'm hard as a rock.

I appreciate that. Someone said you should wear a medallion. It would fit right in there. Hold on. Can I just, Brian, do you still have Fillmore up there? I just want to maybe try something. I want to try something yeah just to on our way out um tone down the sexual energy in the room right yeah i just really want to

i want to soften and dry everyone waiting for you maybe like can we that like those opening strains of that song maybe we could have that snuggle campaign on on like kind of in the queue as kind of a drop, you know, to make this more like a morning show. Yeah. So maybe like, so maybe like, you know, Kevin, you can redo that bit of business where you were miming pulling out your dong. Okay. Which for the listeners, he was miming. And then Jesse, maybe if you could say, again, I'm hard as a rock. And then Brian, you fucking hit that Fillmore.

And then let's just see how dynamic that is. It might not work. Okay. But no bad ideas in brainstorming, right? I'm excited as a rock and then Brian you fucking hit that Fillmore and then let's just see how dynamic that is it might not work but no bad ideas in brainstorming I'm excited what is this podcast if not a series of bad ideas yes I know exactly an unedited stream of bad ideas blue sky rambling

ill conceived if anything we had more bullshit oh no okay so I'm gonna say Kevin is gonna say something about his body hair

and then pull out his crank and you're gonna say I'm hard as a rock and then Carolyn you say clean up on aisle three way and then Brian

you hit that Fillmore and then maybe maybe this will work this sounds organic wait do you have a part in it? I don't want you to be left out. Yeah he's taking notes. I'm in the corner taking notes. But whistling

intermittently. Okay so Kevin is first and then me and then Caroline? Yeah and then Brian's gonna hit it. Okay I'll button up but what about this? I'm hard as a rock. Clean up on aisle three-way. We'll be starting off with our list of names.

Yeah. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us online with the hashtag JJGo on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. We're at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris. We're also on Facebook where you can like Jordan Jesse Go or join the Max Fun Facebook group. We love you very much. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.

Slow fade out with the music, Brian. Slow fade out. And I will stand beside you. Now. Praise the Lord.