Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 550: Fart Me to the Moon with Dan McCoy and Elliott Kalan

Episode Date: September 25, 2018

Dan McCoy and Elliott Kalan from the Max Fun podcast The Flop House join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of graham crackers and other naughty breakfasts, Dan's identity as a baker in Jon Stewart's eyes, and the best songs written specifically for a movie.  Plus, Jesse has some complicated questions about gray beard hairs, Elliott runs down a list of funny things his son has said recently, and Jordan describes his visit to a restaurant owned by a cult. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, my friend? I'm doing fine. Wow! Yeah. My weekend has been uneventful, but I'm making up for it with a sexual voice that makes it sound like I've got a naughty secret.

But the real secret is I don't. I found three gray hairs in my beard. Oh, yeah? Do facial hairs turn gray all at once? Well, I mean, you had only three of them, so that should answer your question. Yeah, they were just growing out of a wart on my chin. Oh, okay. Is that what you mean?

Yeah. Only three total hairs? Yeah. No, I think you're fine. Your beard's looking chestnut. But here's my question. You yanked them. You yanked them.

I trimmed them. Okay. But when do they grow out? Jesse, well, there's your problem. You got to yank, buddy. Okay. If you trim, they're going to grow back. If you yank, they'll think twice.

Really? You're sort of teaching them a lesson? Do you want to get yanked? No, not in the slightest. Well, gray hair don't neither. Okay. So, yeah. This is my question, though.

Yes. Is it about yanking? My question is, does a facial hair come out gray and get longer and longer? Or does it come out your other hair color and then turn gray? Boy, I don't know. We should ask a face scientist. Sure, yeah. Like Michael Jackson from the Black or White video.

Is that what he is? Yeah, because he keeps changing into different faces. Oh, okay. Why else Jackson from the Black or White video. Is that what he is? Yeah, because he keeps changing into different faces. Oh, okay. Why else would you become a face scientist? I think you're confusing a scientist and a wizard. Or the characters from the movie Face Off. Yeah, I think they'd be able to answer. I think we need to talk to Caster Troy. And, oh, God, what's the other dumb name in that movie?

It's Caster Troy and, oh, boy. God, I wish we had somebody here. I wish if only. Oh, gee, what's the other dumb name in that movie? It's Caster Troy and... God, I wish we had somebody here. I wish if only... Oh, gee whiz. If only we had a couple of... Our guests on this week's program are two-thirds of the smash hit Max Fund podcast, The Flophouse. Please welcome to the program, he said, as though there were a live audience in attendance, Dan McCoy and Elliot Kalin.

Hi, gentlemen. Hello. Hi, gentlemen. Hello. Hi, guys. Are you talking about Caster's brother, Pollock's Troy? Yes. No. So Caster Troy is Nicolas Cage. Yes.

You face off. Oh, Archer. Archer Strong. Archer Punch. I just thought his name was Sean Archer. Asterix and Obelisk. I know. that's a Dutch comic show.

It's a French comic show. And a Genesis game. So, looks like one of us, we were both wrong. We were both wrong. I was not as wrong. You didn't mention the Genesis game. Because Genesis players love French pandesigné. That's true.

And blast processing. Is that like a sweet... That's what makes something go so fast. Is that like a sweet bread, Dan? Yeah, that's exactly what that is. It's an enriched bread. Dan, you're quite the baker. What have you baked lately?

Oh, shoot. The last thing I baked was not impressive at all. It was a key lime pie, which, if anyone knows it's the simplest pie. What makes it so simple? Well, for one thing, it has a graham cracker crust rather than a pastry crust. So you basically just blend up a bunch of graham crackers with sugar and butter and press it into a pie tin. Do you add sugar to the graham crackers?

Yeah. Because they're pretty sweet graham crackers. They're basically graham cookies already. I was admonished by my wife once when my son said, I need something to eat for breakfast. And I said, have some graham crackers. And she said, no, graham crackers are a snack. And I said, I've been eating graham crackers for breakfast for a year. What?

She's like, you shouldn't. They're basically cookies. And I was like, I thought this was a healthy alternative. Were you like toasting them and putting butter on them? I was taking them out of the package and then eating them while I walked to work because I didn't have the time to make myself a real breakfast. How many graham crackers equals a breakfast? Three. All right.

You said that as if I'm an idiot. Come on. I'm not going to eat a whole seed. You've seen a food pyramid, Dan. All right. I'm not going to eat a whole seed. You've seen a food pyramid, Dan. All right. Like peanut butter between two graham crackers was a big like childhood breakfast for me.

Like on the go. If we were like running a little bit late. Yeah. Yeah. Our country has a breakfast problem, guys. We are. And we're here to fix it. Yeah.

Hey, kids. Drop kick those granola bars. Get yourself a banana. Weren't graham crackers invented to keep you from cranking it or something? Pretzels. Cornflakes. Pretzels encourage children to pray. Yes, because it looks like praying hands.

Yeah. I mean, God knows that's what I look like when I pray. Yeah, they're not a Kellogg's product, though. I think that that's – you're thinking of Kellogg, right? Kellogg was the big anti-crank. Yeah, you're thinking of The Road to Wellville starring Matthew Broderick and Anthony Hopkins. Okay, thank you. By the way, you know how, you know why I look like that when I'm praying?

Because I'm praying, hey, get me untangled. Untangle me. Dear Lord. This is the gentle Christian comedy of Jesse Thorne. It's very specifically the gentle Christian comedy of a comic from the late 80s. Yeah. Get me untangled. I'm seeing maybe Turtleneck under sport coat.

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on. Let me push up the sleeves and do the punchline again. Yeah. And then maybe half the act has a ventriloquist dummy. Oh, sure. Yeah, of course.

The ventriloquist dummy, though, is very wholesome. Yeah yeah unlike other ventriloquist dummies who are often very randy sure yeah randier than their human counterparts oftentimes which is strange that'd be great if a christian a christian dummy is more pious than his human yeah yeah more moral dan what is it what's the jelly i won't be alone in a room with a woman unless my wife is there. What's the gooey jelly part of a key lime pie? This is very exciting pie talk for the listener. Hey, you don't know the Jordan Jessico audience. These people are nuts about pies.

I love pies. Yeah, your guys' audience wants to hear about like the Chud sequel. Chud 2 starring Bud the Chud. Yeah, Bud the Chud. St hear about the Chud sequel. Chud 2 starring Bud the Chud. Yeah, Bud the Chud. Starring Bud the Chud in his filmmaking role. And introducing. As himself. But our audience wants gentle stories about baking and like,

boy, Elliot, if your kid said something funny, break that out. Oh, boy, did he. All the time. Says stuff all something funny, break that out. Oh, boy, did he. All the time. Break it out. This show is filling the void that was left when people realized they can't listen to Garrison Keillor anymore. Yes, exactly. Both because he's not on the air and because of the things he did. Horrible, horrible things.

And because he was previously unlistenable. Oh, maybe. So, Dan, you were at my house earlier before this. Did Sammy say anything? My son did say anything? No, we've got to finish the pie thing. Okay, the pie thing. Then we'll do pie chat.

We'll get to gabbing about kids. I will say, if you want to hear stories about a four-and-a-half-year-old loving Mr. Bean and relating what's happening to you as it happens. Yeah. He loves doing that. I'm excited about that. Dan got a full blast experience of that. But, Dan, pies. Key lime. How to you as it happens. Yeah. He loves doing that. I'm excited about that. Dan got a full blast experience of that. But Dan Pies, key lime, how do you do it? Well, there's a lot of key lime juice, as you might think.

Okay, stop right there. Just, what is that? There are particular limes that grow in the Florida Keys, and you juice them. Now, these aren't limes like who in the 70s would all put their keys in a bowl and go home with other Lime's wives. Some of them would go home with a lemon. The forbidden fruit. That's where a twist of limon came from. Oh yeah.

From citrus fucking. When a lime fucked a lemon it wasn't married to. It was still legal at the time for limes and lemons to marry. There's a lot of lime juice. There's condensed milk and there's a bunch of egg yolks. And that's pretty much it, I think. How'd it turn out, the pie? It was delicious, but I'm a single man, Jordan.

That's what I— I made a pie. You ate it. Follow-up question, Dan. And this is—I was sitting on this, and I'm glad you got to it, because it would have been rude of me to say. Yeah. I just said it. It's my job.

I'm trying to host this program. But, you know, it would have been rude of me to say. Yeah. I just said it. It's my job. I'm trying to host this program. But, you know, it would have been rude. Dan, you're a single man. What are you doing with a pie? I don't know what the thought behind that was. There's a movie called American Pie. Oh, sure. Which suggests a new use for pies.

Dan, have you tried that? No, although the gooeyness of a key lime, I feel like would... I already... I'm sorry I asked. I made it. I had a friend over. We made a pie. We each had... That's a fun friend activity. Yeah, we each had one slice of pie, and then I was stuck with

what is it? Six eighths of a pie after that. Which I then, as a solo person, ate as breakfast for the next six days. There you go. So Dan has a breakfast. Seems like a little theme in this episode is naughty breakfast. Yeah, in breakfast we shouldn't be having.

In my family, when I was a kid, the on-the-go breakfast was two slices of key lime pie with some peanut butter in the middle. Yeah, it's a sandwich. I guess what Dan's saying is he's the only guy who puts a pie on a sill and hopes a hobo takes it. That's why you moved by the train yard, right? Gentle, family-friendly comedy for me. All praise is me. I put my own hobo mark outside that says, friendly man with pie. You put a mark that says, lonely man with pie.

Lonely man. Mark says, if you hear sighing, it's not about you. I'm just that way. Dan, do you ever make meat pies? Speaking of someone that's the only kind of pie I like? I have in the past. It's been a long time. Back when you were a demon barber?

Where was your shop again? Was it on Main Street? Fleet Street, right. Yeah, well, you know, like the cat pies weren't doing it anymore. But if you came over, Elliot, and you demanded a pie, I would make one for you if I knew you were coming over ahead of time. I'll let you know next time. Yeah. You eat a lot of meat pies, huh?

I mean, I don't because I don't get the opportunity to do it too often, but I do love them. Oh, interesting. I love a pastry crust. I love meat. I don't love the sweet stuff they put in pies. Do you not like any sweet stuff? Elliot is famously against all fruits. I don't like fruit.

All fruit. I don't like it. Huh. And I know – wait. Before you say anything, tomatoes, sure. I'll eat those. Wow. Cucumbers, sure.

Those are fruits that don't taste like fruit. So you're saying you prefer the worst fruits. I prefer vegetables. Am I right, folks? People don't taste like fruit. So you're saying you prefer the worst fruits. I prefer vegetables. Am I right, folks? People don't love vegetables. Is this a Christian comment? I'm not sure. Are vegetables more sacred for some reason?

What about a rhubarb pie? That's a vegetable pie, my friend. That sounds disgusting to me. It is pretty gross. It's not that good. It's my favorite pie. Really? Rhubarb is your favorite pie. Really? Rhubarb is your favorite pie? Yeah. I feel like rhubarb pie is so much

work to get me to eat what essentially is like a sour celery. No, it is definitely a sour celery that you have to add absurd amounts of sugar to make palatable. But, I mean, I think we've agreed Dan's MO isn't necessarily

creating a delicious pie. It's attracting the most hobos. That's right. And I think. And also my nickname is Sour Celery. Yeah. Sour Celery McCoy. That's when you played for the Astros. That's what he used to call you. That's right.

Sour Celery McCoy. So, Dan, you work at television's Daily Program. Yeah, that's right. That's the British version. With two M's and an E. Does anyone bring in a baked good to that office? Yeah, me.

You're the guy. You're the baking guy. That's why Jon Stewart used to call you the baker. Yeah, he literally did. And you were the butcher, right? Yeah, I was the butcher. Of Fleet Street. Yeah. Candlestick maker. Jon liked to learn one thing about people and then, like, that would be his thing. Sure.

So, like. Danny's very famous. He had a lot on his mind. Like George W. Bush. Yeah. And so. He'd give you a nickname and stick with it. You're tall.

I'll call you Stretch. You're tall. I'll call you Stretch, too. Jon Stewart, to this day, still sends me a Transformers birthday card. All right. I was into him when I was eight, okay? Yeah. And I still love him when I was eight, okay? Yeah. And I still love him.

Yeah, I hadn't seen John for like a year and then the Daily Show Oral History came out and there was a party that we were all at and he looked at me blankly for like, you know, longer than you should look at someone blankly that you've worked with for four years closely. And then he finally was like, the baker!

What bread did you make most recently? And I'm like, I felt like I couldn't tell him that I had already finished. Like, I was baking my way through a bread book, and that was the project that I was on that he knew I was in. I didn't have the heart to be like, I finished that long ago. So I'm just like, I don't know, ciabatta. Sure. You just picked a bread.

Yeah. You just pulled a bread out of thin air. I didn't get an invitation to this book party. When was this? The oral history of the Daily Show? It was at American Retro about a year after John left the show. We've come to the part of Jordan, Jesse, go where we air our personal grievances. Oh, no, wait a minute.

I did go to that one. Hey, Jesse, fuck you. Sorry. We just did a quick one. No, but you said, I assumed it was at like a bookstore or something like that. No. No, no, American Retro I went to. Yeah, I remember that.

There's a bar very close to the Daily Show offices that is known for nothing other than having various types of tater tots. Oh, cool. And so. This is a bar that when it first opened, it was called Whistlin' Dixie's Texas Saloon. Okay. And it had so much stuff. Like it wanted to be a Coyote Ugly so badly. It was like if you order this drink, we will ring a bell and then we yell real loud.

And you order this drink and we sing this song. And it was like this is a rock and crazy time. And that did not work very well. And so they shut down for a little bit and they reopened as American Retro, which is like you name the bar the style that you're going for, which is crazy. But they figured out a winning combination, which was take tater tots and put a lot of different things on them. They have that at the Los Angeles Dodgers game. And I went and ordered what amounted to tater tot nachos. Yeah.

Thinking, how could this go wrong? I'm at the baseball game. I knew I was going to eat something disgusting going in. That was sort of the plan. And what could be more disgusting than cheese on tots? I ate them. I ate all of them out of a weird, sad sense of obligation. I made myself so sick. And I have like an iron stomach, like I'll eat whatever. But I made my – I just kept eating them because I couldn't stop. And they were probably pricey at a baseball stadium. Oh, sure.

That was $10 tots. Yeah. It was a $10 tots night. Was it just – All the tots, $10. Right. You usually sell them for $5. $10 tots nights.

It was actually a $10 tots night, but it was unrelated to the food selection. It was an adoption event. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's cheap for adoption. Yeah, totally. I was grateful. I'd been going through this whole thing. It was so hard.

I was thinking about going international. I heard about $10 tots night. Yeah, grab a tot. Yeah, grab a couple. The problem is all those tots have bobble heads. Yeah. Okay, it's not going to get better than that. We'll take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every single week, Jordan.. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every single week, Jordan. Yes. Without fail, Jordan, Jesse Goh is supported by all the Max Fund members who go to MaximumFund.org slash donate. We love them.

We do. But even more than them. No, no, no, no. Equally. Similarly. Similarly. Similarly to them. Yeah.

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That's true, my friend. It seems like they're all over this thing. Mon frere. Not only on the network, but on the other networks as well. You want to watch that new Star Trek show? Sure. So you can listen to Adam and Ben talk about it? Yeah, I do.

So how do I do that? Oh, well, you get your Amazon Prime Video channels, and you sign up for CBS All Access on there. Oh, my gosh. You go to tryprimechannels.com slash JJGO, and you can start a free trial of over 100 channels. That's tryprimechannels.com slash JJGO. You don't have to pay for the channels you don't want anymore. Yeah. Just try them. If you like them, keep paying. If not, get it out of there.

Try a new one. I'm not saying you should never pay for Golf Channel. Right. But I'm just saying I wouldn't. You would not. Personally, I wouldn't choose to. It's easy. It's fun. It is low risk. Tryprimechannels.com slash JJGO. We also have another sponsor on this week's program, Jordan.

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They actually – so here's the thing, Jordan. If you just put it on one of those free classified websites or you put up your listing there or something like that, you'll get so many people that don't know what they don't have anything to do with the qualifications for your job. It's so hard to find people who actually are qualified for your job. ZipRecruiter uses powerful matching technology to find qualified candidates for you. That's why ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers

in the U.S. And the rating comes from hiring sites on Trustpilot with over a thousand reviews. And right now, Jordan, Jesse, Go listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free, no cost, at ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGO. That's a nice O. That's a nice deep O. A lot of range. I'm trying to do some Tuvin throat singing now. Oh, how exotic.

Where am I? The Himalayas? No, UC Santa Cruz. Oh, right. Sure. Yeah. Hear, right. Sure. Yeah. Hear me now. I'm a white guy talking in Jamaican patois as well.

The other main kind of guy. Yeah. Anyway, we'll have more Jordan Jesse going in just a second. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, From the future. Doesn't know how toilets work. Dan McCoy. The pie maker. Wow. Two of my favorite Batman villains. Dan, I feel like that was a real fuck you to Jon Stewart who didn't name you the baker.

It's true. You're like, not good enough, Jon Stewart. Oh, Ellie, you also worked for The Daily Show. Did you have one thing that Jon Stewart knew about you? Although I guess maybe as head writer you worked a little closer with him. I worked with him for much longer than Dan did. This is not a slight – I'm not like, yeah, I was a little closer to Jon than Dan was. But this is me being like we worked together for longer and I did work with him closer. You worked your way up from being an intern too.

Yeah. I mean Jon also knew me from the age of 20. Not he wasn't 20. I was. Like I started as an intern when I was 20 and I worked – Yeah, you worked on remote control. Was he on that? I don't know.

Probably. No, he wasn't. But there was a – Who am I thinking of? There was a staff – there is a guy on staff there who worked with John on the John Stewart show. Oh, wow. So like – but the – so he knew me from the age 20 when he didn't know me that well to – but it was a smaller staff then to age 33. So like he – so I feel like we got to know each other relatively well and like every now and then we text and it's very nice.

That's cute. So I had more of a closer experience with him than Dan did. So I think he knows about at least four things about me. So your Velcro wallet then. Yeah. So I think he knows about at least four things about me. So your Velcro wallet then. Yeah, yeah. I had a reoccurring like terror that John would just like scan the room, look over at me and go, so what do you do exactly? Are you a security guard? You're writing an article about us, aren't you?

John, I've been here for the past three years. Yeah. I thought it was a very thorough article. Three years in the life of Jon Stewart. For Newsweek.com. Oh. Oh, wow. Okay.

Dot com. Well. I've been writing for.net for eight years, and they keep telling me they're going to promote me. But sorry, man. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Dan, what are your top

baking categories? Baking categories? Yeah, like what do you prefer? A cookie, a bread? A quick bread? I love a quick bread. What about a, like have you ever tried

to make a bagel? I have made a bagel. And you know, the interesting thing about a bagel is everyone knows is you boil it and you bake it.

I don't think anyone in L.A. knows that. Yeah, well, our water's different here. Yeah, that's delicious. Nobody reads. Or walks anywhere. These are all things that were disproven today. I did have a beer today that was brewed with

avocado, so I felt very Californian. I went to one of these L.A. restaurants. There's a handful of them. We've got a handful of restaurants. I've been cooking all my own food. There's a couple of restaurants. Okay. One of these restaurants is owned by a cult.

Oh, okay. It was very nice. It's like an out. It's like a Hubbard's. Hubbard's. Hubbard's Hamperons. Right. Was the cult the Source family?

Yeah. Was this on the Sunset Trip in the 1970s? Did you taste green goddess dressing for the first time? I did. Yeah. All right. I was backstage with X. And it's a very nice restaurant.

It's kind of like up in the hills, deep valley. You go to this kind of, you know, you drive up this hill and it's kind of outdoors. It's kind of a gazebo theme. And their cocktail. The theme is gazebos? It looks like you're under a big gazebo. Okay. It's a gazebo vibe.

Is it only gazebos or are there conservatories, greenhouses? Gazebos only. Listen to the story. Okay. That's a gazebo vibe. Is it only gazebos or are there conservatories, greenhouses? Gazebos only. Listen to the story. Okay. I assume they're always playing John Philip Sousa music. The music of gazebos. Right. Yes, exactly.

I love gazebos. They're a nice place to rest. Give me a G. And their cocktail menu, their cocktails were wild crafted. So, I mean, you see here. What is that? Out in the woods, I guess. Is that like a barge to buy an animal?

Yeah. Your cocktails are made by raccoons. You know how raccoons will wash their food in a stream? We can give them an orange peel. We give the bitters. Taste them to muddle. Mint. We give them a little handful Teach them to muddle. Mint. We give them a little handful of mint.

Now, Jordan, we- They're nature's bartenders. We discussed, I think, on a recent program that you're not forward with waitstaff. You're a little resident to push your agenda. Yeah. You're reticent to push your agenda. Yeah, yeah. I would be hard-pressed.

I would be hard-pressed to send something back. Did you inquire as to what wildcrafting was? I should have. You should have asked. But I was afraid they would sacrifice me to their god. Let me tell you what you are not, what I learned from that story. Jewish. Because the first thing you would have said to the waiter before the waiter even approached the table,

you would have looked around, seen if there's anyone who looked like a waiter and said, What's wildcrafting? Wildcrafting. What is that? What is it? You know probably what I – I mean other than – Then you would have sent back all your food because they did it wrong. Other than not being confrontational, I think that there's – here's what I was afraid of.

That there's a good explanation for it and I just want to dick on it. I just want to make fun of it. But if there's a good – I'm like, oh, well, this means this. I bet it is something with like – it's like the seasonal ingredients or something like that I bet. Yeah. What was the cult element? Oh, boy. You know, I should have looked into it more.

Okay. I vaguely know that – I vaguely have been told it's called like the end of the seventh ray of light. Oh, wow. Yeah. I like that. You're like, I should have looked into it more. Like later on you find that it's like a sexual slavery. Like, you're like, I should have looked into it more. Like, later on, you find that it's like a sexual slavery cult. You're like, I really should have looked into it more.

I would have come here sooner. Do not want to support that. Yeah. You only looked at regular Yelp. You failed to look at cult Yelp. Right. Yeah, exactly. Dan, I thought the thing you were getting at was that I would be sold into sexual slavery.

No, I was not. The joke I was making is that I would enjoy that. I was not making a joke that I enjoyed others being sold into sex. Right. So now we've all cleared up. Now, if I can clarify, on regular Yelp, you learn about appetizers and stuff. And then in cult Yelp, you learn about secret rituals and that kind of thing. If I can specify, Jewish people are people who are descended from the ancient Israelites.

Right. They don't believe in the divinity of Christ. But they will talk to you about their opinions about it at great length because they're very opinionated people. And I know because I'm one of them. And I don't need to know about a topic to have an opinion on it. That's because I'm also a man. That's two things I am. Elliot, I can't.

A male Jew? Yeah. Let me tell you about our penises. They're quite different. They're barbed, right? Yeah, like a bear's. Oh, yeah, bears. And what are bears but nature's Jews?

So raccoons are nature's bartenders. Bears are nature's Jews. Nature's Jews. Yeah. We're learning so much about the animal kingdom. We sure are. Elliot and Dan, you guys are cine-fans. Did you ever see that?

Love sin. Did you ever see that Source Family movie about the green goddess dressing? No, I'm not familiar with it. Oh, God, is it gorgeous. It is just a dream. The best part about this is a documentary about the Source Family, which is this 70s cult here in Los Angeles, who did have all together collectively a restaurant on the Sunset Strip

that is the one that in is it Annie Hall where Woody Allen goes to Los Angeles for like 10 minutes of the movie

and he eats at a health food restaurant and he thinks it's weird so that's a direct parody of this one restaurant that was owned by a cult called the Source Family

and the guy who created the cult he had killed someone with jujitsu in like a defensible murder. Oh, okay. Self-defense. Yeah. Yeah, the sort of thing that, you know, is charismatic and brings people to you as a cult leader.

Yeah, so he's like a Billy Jack type. Yeah. And he was a devotee of physical culture. Oh, okay. Which is like exercise before they knew what exercise was. Yeah. If you read the book Mr. America, they talk about that a lot. Oh, great book.

Yeah. Great book. And so he was also like 20 years older than all the members of the cult because he was from the 50s and they were all from 1967. And anyway, in the end, there's two really beautiful things about it. One is in the end, he dies. He brings the cult eventually to Hawaii. And it was spoiler alert. And he dies because he thinks that he knows how to hang glide.

But he's never hang glided before. Hang glided, excuse me. so he just plummets to his death he just jumps off a cliff on a hang glider and plummets to his death and then the other thing is everybody that was in the cult that they interviewed for this movie they're like yeah that cult was great i would love to go back to being in that cult culture fun like it definitely like broke up because the guy jumped off a cliff thinking he could hang glide, but he didn't know how.

But, like, everybody there is like, man, it was great. And they all seem, I mean, a little dippy, but pretty reasonable. Elliot, we were, I think we were building towards some sort of child story. Oh, yeah. Were we?

We were. We talked about it in the first bit. Yeah, you got kind of child story. Oh yeah. Were we? We were. We talked about it in the first bit. You got kind of braggy. About my child. Frankly. All the funny stuff that he says and does. Speaking of Judaism you were showing me some pictures of the child

earlier. The newest child. The new one. And he has a little bagel shirt. Yeah he has a onesie with a bagel on it because we are stereotypes that we're like New York Jews who love bagels

and that's pretty much I mean like there's a certain aspect of my family that's like, yeah, just we're – like that's the Goldbergs. OK, great. That's the sitcom. Elliot, I'm a San Francisco Episcopalian who loves bagels. So I think bagels are pretty undeniable. They're pretty great. They're a rock-solid home run. A quality bagel is very few things better than that. Ice cream is better. But like very few. It's a rock-solid home run. A quality bagel is very few things better than that.

Ice cream is better, but like very few. It's a short list. I did find when we moved from New York to Los Angeles last year, people were like, you're going to miss the bagels. And I found them like, yeah, okay, bagels are fine. Like I realized it was not the staple of my life that it needed to be. People were like, you're going to miss the bagels and you're going to miss the pizza. They don't make it right. And we found pizza That's fine.

And I'm like, I don't eat that many bagels when they're not presented free to me at the beginning of the workday in the form of a basket. But I'll tell you some funny stuff my son said. How about this? Yeah. What do you got? What do you got, motherfucker? I send myself an email when he says something particularly funny. I mean he did mishear.

I was talking about the national anthem and he went national ant farm? that's good I was talking about the movie let the right one in at one point and I said to your child

well I mean I was referring to it I said let the right one and he goes and let the wrong one out that's just good advice you gotta teach your kids about Dracula

he uh one time he uh this is just I'm just reading emails I wrote to myself of stuff he said he dipped his french toast into his orange juice just to see what it was like and his review was, it's better than bad. He told us that for Halloween he wants to be salad.

Have you thought about how you're going to pull that off? No, I have not. Well, his other – his previous thing was Hammerhead Shark, which I think we're going to stick with. We were listening to the song Good Morning. Is it Good Morning, Good Morning from the end of Sgt. Pepper? Yeah. All the animals start up at the end. And he was like, maybe they recorded this part on a farm.

And the animals came in at the end and they took the guitar and the drums and the animals were playing them. Yeah. Probably more fun than what was really happening, which was – That's dope. That song was written because John Lennon was so bored and strung out on heroin that he would just sit and watch TV all day. And there was, I think, a Corn Flakes commercial where it was like, good morning. He's like, I'll write a song into that. So I did not tell Sammy that story of how it happened.

And I'll tell you two more things he said. One he said was, I know chocolate is not a vegetable, but I would like to have some with dinner. And he was trying to convince me once. My wife said, what should we have for dinner? And he really wanted to have chicken parmesan. And I was not – I wanted something else. And he goes, Daddy, it has chicken, which you love. I was like, you know me.

You know me. It's a daddy and chicken. But when Dan was there, he had taken my wife's reading glasses, which are basically just magnifying glasses, and was walking around the house going, it looks like I'm walking up a hill. That looks really big. That looks the wrong size. Like just pointing out things that look different. That's great. Funny kid.

And, yeah, we were watching Mr. Bean, and he was like, daddy, daddy, daddy. He did this, and he went there. I'm like, I know. I saw it. It just happened. Just tell me about it. Elliotiot i've got an important question for you yeah it's something i've been thinking about a lot you and i have been doing dad activities and i don't look yeah i don't mean to brag or exclude either of you guys but elliot and i are both the parents of children sure and we're also and the children of parents. Let's just say it. I'll speak for myself.

I am also lonely. So I like to invite Elliot to do family activities so that I don't have to engage too deeply with my own children basically. Well, me and Dan practice kissing on each other. So – Yeah. Well, I mean if me and Elliot had a clubhouse like you guys do. Sorry, no dads allowed. We'd have a venue.

I like those outings. We have a good time. I mean, you can ask Jordan. I've been bragging to him for the past three months about what a great addition it is to my life. That's wonderful. The two of us and our children go on these outings. But my oldest is seven, and my middle child, who usually comes with us, as well, is four.

And Sammy is also four, right? Yeah, he's about four and a half, yeah. So here's the thing. My children have a lot of enthusiasm, and so does Sammy. And everyone seems to have a nice time on the trip. Do our children like each other? Oh, yeah, for sure.

Do they? Okay. Yeah. He talks about your kids all the time. Oh, awesome. That's great. And also, I think as I've told you in the past, this will be new to Jordan and Jessica listeners because I've never said it on a podcast before, but my son's favorite person

to hang out and play with is a girl who is a couple years older than him or like a year or two older. He's like, this is someone I want to follow around. Like, this is someone I want to hang out and play with is a girl who is a couple years older than him or like a year or two older. He's like, this is someone I want to follow around. Like this is someone I want to hang out with. So it's like he's – yeah, so he loves it. But he's like, oh, OK. But there's this other kid who's like my age. So like if this older kid doesn't want to talk about poop, I've got someone my age I can talk about poop.

Elliot, let me just let you know right here and right now. There is no time when my 7-year-old does not want to talk about poop. Yeah, that's true. Not since Captain Underpants was introduced to our life. One of my favorite things is that at every one of these outings, you have expressed your disdain for Captain Underpants and wish that it was never brought into your child's life. Well, here's the thing. Years ago, Captain Underpants, Jordan and I, famously only to longtime Jordan Jesse Go listeners, but famously to longtime Jordan Jesse Go listeners. When we were in college, a couple of times for the pledge drive of the college radio station, we did our show from the base of campus in our underpants.

And actually, the guy who directed Afropunk was just in here to do Heat Rocks. And I was thinking of he actually showed up in person to do the interview. And we interviewed him in our underpants. And he's like a cool punk rock guy who directed an excellent film. And the poor man had to be interviewed sincerely by us while we were wearing underpants and he was wearing a full punk rock outfit. But we one time one time I called or emailed the publisher of Captain Underpants. And I don't remember what it was. And I said, hey, you know, we're college students.

We're doing this show for our college radio station. Do you think you could send us some Underpants books for our pledge drive? And they sent us a box of Captain Underpants books that had to be four feet cubed. Like 500 copies of various Captain Underpants books. And I didn't, it was so generous of them that I've held it close to my heart ever since. Although, to be fair, I think we successfully gave away like three of them.

Like the rest of them were just, we're not quite there yet. The rest of them were buried in the desert like those E.T. Atari cartridges. Like the Book of Mormon. Yeah, the rest of Captain Underpants was inscribed on huge plates buried at the Scientology Celebrity Center. So I had this soft spot. Great cocktails though.

Great cocktails. Yeah, yeah. I've had this soft spot in my heart forever for Captain Underpants. But Captain Underpants is like, it's like a great thing for what they call reluctant readers. If your kid doesn't want to read, then it's good because it's something that's, I mean, it's real silly and real goofy and very charming to children particularly. I mean, it's real silly and real goofy and very charming to children particularly. And it's a wonderful thing that I'm glad exists in the world, except for the way that it has affected my life, which is my child was introduced to it by, I guess, there was a copy of one of the books in her classroom or something like that. And literally, I had to spend three months being like, Dad, do you want to hear the names of all the Captain Underpants books?

Or like, Dad, can I tell you the plots of all the Captain Underpants books? She taught it to my four-year-old who knows nothing about Captain Underpants except for secondhand. And now my children who never talked about potty stuff or used potty words or anything, like, it's just, it's a raging river of potty talk through my home.

I mean, I don't know how you were able to stave it off that long. Because with my son, it's like he's always – I mean, it doesn't help that like we try to take his questions seriously. So if he's in the bath and he's like, what's this part of me? We're like, that's your scrotum. And he's like, scrotum. I tricked you into saying it. I take his name.

Then he turns into salacious crumb from Return of the Jedi. But the – I'm just amazed. How young – how old is – at what age do you teach a child about Salacious Crumb? That's between – I mean you have to really gauge how your child is ready about it. I try to start with – A space gangster and a parasite love each other very much. Here's the thing. The space gangster has a pet who is also his jester and his best friend. And it's not – he can say little words, but it's not clear if he's an animal or if he has a job or both because the – I mean, Salacious Crumb is also, I think, my favorite Star Wars character.

So you think he's a jester and not sort of like a – I don't know, like a hype man kind of character? I mean, a jester can do that too. I mean, it's all – I feel like Salacious Crumb is definitely the one guy there who can laugh at Jabba and nobody else can. But he also laughs at all of Jabba's jokes. So it's a little bit of both. I mean Yak Face is not going to be doing this job. A man, a man is not going to be doing this job. The Rancor.

The Rancor can't talk. The Rancor Keeper is – he's just so obsessed with his damn Rancor. Yeah, sure. Ula is – I mean she's a great dancer but she's – obviously he's not crazy about her work as he shoves her into the rancor pit to be devoured. There's that other dancer that I can't remember the name of, the one with six boobs that – Please let Elliot know on Twitter what the name of that character was. Please, yeah. And what are the – and Riggies, come on.

The guy can barely function as a henchman. Then you got Barada and Nikto. Those guys don't know what's going on. My kids wanted to learn. I'm running out of Javis characters that I know the names of. I mean, you went for a long time. You, like, really did a good job. You could only be described as arduous.

I was going, I'm going to try and get to Rancor first because that's basically the only one I know. That was a good one. You went to that one. My kids wanted to learn about Snaggletooth, but I decided they weren't ready to hear about Mock Turtlenecks. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fair. Very fair. Yeah, so, you know. This is a conversation that my wife and I have had a number of times is when is he going to be old enough to see Star Wars?

I would like to show him the first movie when he's five. Wow. The younger than that is too young, but not the other movies. Episode five? No, not episode four. Episode four. No, that's cool. I mean, you didn't know that much about Jab he's five. Wow. I feel like younger than that is too young, but not the other movies. Episode five? No, not episode four. Episode four. No, that's cool. I mean you didn't know that much about Jabba's Palace.

No, let's try. I only do one guy in there. I'm really sorry. And some people – and I already have a friend who's like, you got to do it the machete style. That's where you show him four and five. Then you show him one, two, three. Then you show him six. And that way, the surprise that Vader is Luke's father, spoiler alert for a 30-year-old movie, or almost 40-year-old movie, he gets that surprise.

But then you go back and you see how Anakin became Darth Vader. And I was saying to this friend of mine, I don't plan on showing him those three. Here's how I'm doing it. Wait, why is that machete style? I've never known that. Well, that's how Danny Trejo did it. Here's how I'm doing it. Solo first.

Then the holiday special. Then the Ewok Adventure. And no others. Oh, and then I'm taking them on star tours. Is Ewok Adventure the one with the super fast Ewok? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, then I just show them that and call it a day.

Yeah, that's Star Wars. That's what everybody's talking about. Did you mention the holiday special? I did mention the holiday special. Okay, yeah, holiday special. So it's going to be solo, holiday special, Ewok adventure, Star Tours, and that's it. You don't know what else is going to happen in the next few years, though. I'm sure there's going to be some other embarrassing Star Wars thing.

That's true. My daughter desperately wants to watch the movie Return to Oz. Oh, my gosh. That's a scary movie. How does she know about it? Huge fan of Walter Murch. I mean, you know, she has to be introduced to the concept of electroshock therapy as early as possible. So she saw her favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz.

Which makes sense. It's maybe the greatest movie ever made. And she couldn't love it more. I mean, like, she's completely over the moon goo-goo-ga-ga for this movie. Turned into a baby. Yeah. She's seen it many times, and it's totally magical to her. She's completely obsessed with it.

It's, like, everything that she wants. Like, it's, like, magical and fantastical, and the main character is a girl and, you know, all that shit. She loves Burt Lahr. Yeah. She loves Burt Lahr. And it's like, did you know he was in the English language original production of Waiting for Godot, Dad?

And you're like, I did not know that. Yeah. Did you know that his son is still a theater critic for The New Yorker in his 80s and 90s? Now how young is too young to teach a child that it syncs up with Dark Side of the Moon? I had her. She actually demanded that I read to her John Lahr's biography of Dame Edna. Wow, really? And I was like, I think she's ready for that.

That seems appropriate, possums. But I think maybe her babysitter mentioned it or something. She just knew that there was a sequel to it. Did you ever watch that movie when you were a kid, Jordan? Oh, sure. I have the not hot, boring ass take that it's very, very scary. Yeah, like I. Die Hard is a Christmas movie and it was Frankenstein's monster.

Yes. I mean. It was scary. Tell us some more cult takes. Tell us some more cult takes. Oh, boy. Yeah. I had nightmares.

I mean, I really, truly. I mean, I still don't like scary movies particularly, but I really genuinely had nightmares until I was like 12. And I think I saw it when I was like six. And she will not let it go. So we told her that when she's 10, she could decide. And she basically has like one of those page a day tearaway calendars. An advent calendar. A countdown until she's old enough

to see Return to Oz. Now, I recently rewatched Wizard of Oz at Prospect Park. They were doing an outdoor screening, which is, you know, an outdoor screening is really great if you want to kind of hear the movie. Oh, hot take on park movies.

But, you know, I loved it even in that context. But I had two problems with the movie revisiting it number one glinda obviously can send dorothy home at any point so it seems like all she wants to do is have dorothy kill the wicked witch of the west so she can keep her hands clean of the murder oh sure yeah sure basically so that's like a setup and then number two it's the silver standard. Number two I like at the end

of the movie I'm like alright this is all well and good but isn't Miss Gulch going to come and kill Toto anyway? Like what happened

with that story? No Miss Gulch died in the hurricane. How do we know that? In the tornado. We don't see any of that happening. Just tell yourself

that then. That's the real life Wicked Witch? Miss Gulch yeah. God the thing so i saw it on uh uh with my daughter and it is a lovely movie and i think particularly like the the things that the supporting characters that are being funny or dancing yeah are doing are so great that you're just like, oh, how could anything be this lovely and delightful? Your Burt Lahrs are just glorious. But the whole part until they get to Oz is so long.

So much boring stuff happens. I don't know if I'd call it boring, but it is long. It's like my wife, when we started dating, she had never seen Back to the Future. And we watched it and I was like, I forgot how long it takes him to get to the past like there's like 30 minutes of him just around the 80s sing a huey lewis song first and as they seed every single thing that's going to happen in the 50s but there's a lot of stuff beforehand but that's also like you got to know who these characters are you know or else when you see them pop up in oz you you're gonna be like who's this guy some dude oh okay i guess i guess ultimately what I'm saying is

it's a bad movie. I don't like it. And you should definitely contact me about that. It's a great movie. I think that section of the movie feels longer when you know where it's going. When you know you're going to be hit

with a colorful world of dancing scarecrows and cowardly lions and flying monkeys then seeing this girl dealing with her problems is, even seeing her sing you're going to be hit with a colorful world of dancing scarecrows and cowardly lions and flying monkeys, then seeing this girl dealing with her problems is – even seeing her sing Over the Rainbow, which is maybe the greatest song ever written directly for a movie. Like other than that song that played during the credits of Memento. Other than Double Back for Back to the Future Part 3. Yeah, other than the Addams Family rap, or the ninja rap from TMNT2, Secret of the Ooze.

Guys, we're all forgetting LL Cool J's song about the plot of Deep Blue Sea. Fair, fair point. Even sitting through that, it's like, you know what's happening is going to be more exciting than that. And it took me, something I do sometimes is I'll re-watch a movie I've seen over and over

again, and I'll say to myself I'm going to pretend I'm watching this like I've never seen before I did this with Star Wars a number of years ago I do this when I masturbate sometimes to Wizard of Oz because when I masturbate to something I've seen before it's the anticipation that really gets me like I know where she's going with this

the funny thing is Jesse's masturbation syncs up perfectly with Wizard of Oz but watching those movies and you're like I'm going to not try to anticipate anything is Jesse's masturbation syncs up perfectly with Blizzard of Oz. Wow. Yeah. But watching those movies and you're like, I'm going to not try to anticipate anything. I'm going to say to myself, I've never seen this movie before.

I'm going to react to it or try to react to it as if I'm in the moment with it. And then a movie like that is more entertaining because you're not waiting for the really cool part to happen.

That's sad. Another thing that you do is watch a B-plus movie from the late 30s and really get a lot out of it. Yeah, because the 30s was the greatest time in American cinema. There you go. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, The Wings at Hooters. The answer is Fried Green Tomatoes. Margaret, what is the Marvel Cinematic Universe missing? My interest.

Winter, name someone who will EGOT in your lifetime. Ike Barinholtz. That's beautiful. Top gear or top model? Sadly, I have to say top gear. The clear answer is Top Chef. But Top Model taught us about smizing. Pawpocket, smart takes on everything.

Catch us every Friday on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott. And we're the hosts of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. Every episode we cover a different episode of The Simpsons that is a favorite of our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright. I got a D minus, I passed! And we've also had people that are on the Max Fund Network already.

Homer wearing that golf outfit is so funny. And when he gets super into golf, he's wearing the golf hat in bed. In bed! We've had Weird Al Yankovic on the show. I was just struck by how sharp the writing is. I mean, that's no surprise because it's The Simpsons, but I mean, you can't say that about a lot of TV shows, particularly ones that at that point

had been on the air for 14 years. Find us on MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin, man from the future. What can I tell you?

We do toilets differently in the future. And your primitive ways are disgusting to me. Three seashells, right? Yeah. Well, it's four seashells. The movie got it wrong. It's actually four seashells. But one of the seashells you don't really use.

I mean, everyone acts like they use it, but you don't really use it. Sure. Come on. Yeah. Sort of like Dan McCoy, the pie maker. Sort of like how in the present, like, we don't actually wash our hands after we pee. Right, guys? We do.

Oh, man. Wow. I mean, hold your hands in the pee stream, right? No. I wish I hadn't have eaten all those macaroons you gave me. My penis is probably cleaner than my hand, right? I mean, it certainly touches less. Oh!

Something that sounds like an insult but is objectively true. touches less. Oh! Oh! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Meow. Something that sounds like an insult but is objectively true. That was an old George Carlin joke because he was talking about how like your penis is just like

in your pants all day. Yeah. Not doing anything. Like if anything, you should wash your penis after you touch it. I think it was George Carlin. Maybe it was somebody else.

Dan, you ever made a macaroon? I have not made a macaroon. It seems... Wait. I haven't made a macaroon. It seems – wait. I haven't made a macaroon. Hold on. And suddenly there's a flash in your memory. What about a macaroon? Nor have I made a macaroon.

That was what I was – I was wondering which one you were asking me about. That's why I stopped. What about A Secret World of Alex Mack? I've never made an episode of The Secret World of Alex Mack. What about a Mac tonight? What about a horrific food man who sells you burgers? What size? Whose name is a play on a song about a murderer.

Oh, I just got that. Wow. A murderer and his favorite prostitutes. Fair point. And other low lives. Yeah. I think sex workers are brave. Would you say...

We have a difference of opinion on this show. Jesse thinks they're dumb and I think they're brave. Would you say – We have a difference of opinion on this show. Jesse thinks they're dumb and I think they're brave. Would you say that Big Mac tonight was – Be treated equally and with respect. Would you say that Big Mac tonight was McDonald's pioneering work in exploring the V effect in television commercials? Yes. Okay. That's why someone doesn't blow a cigarette smoke in your face every time that commercial is on.

Quick-baked good round table. Yeah, sure. Macaroons or macarons? The former being like a coconut cookie. Yeah, correct. The latter being a French colorful cookie. It's like a sandwich. A French Oreo, basically.

Yeah. With meringue. Yeah, but in like a pale pink often. Pale blue. I'm going to go Pazooki. Can I go Pazooki? Can I do the third one? I guess you did go Pazooki.

Elliot? Yeah, I don't like either of those, so I'm going to go with those leaf cookies that you get at town fairs in my hometown that I grew up in. They don't taste that great, but when I was a kid, I loved them. Anyway, I don't know if they're sold anywhere else. They're like deli cookies in the shape of leaves. They're also sandwich cookies. What kind of sandwich cookies are they? A maple thing?

To be honest, they had mint varieties and they had varieties that kind of like were just kind of plain baked outside and then like chocolate on the inside. I didn't like the mint ones that much. But that was – but when – there would be – in Milburn, New Jersey, my hometown, there would be like a town fair and my sister and I would be like, we've got to get some of these leaf cookies. One day these will be our Proust's Madeleines. Oh, there will be a day when I am an old man. God willing, there will be a day when I am an old man. God willing, there will be a day when I'm an old man.

And I'll take a bite of one of those cookies and it will take me back to being really bored at an event for adults that everyone has their kids to. And then your parents – And not enjoying a Bachman-Turner overdrive cover band. No. And really wanting to go home and your parents finally saying, OK, time to get in the car. And you get in the car. And then your parents talk to their friends, time to get in the car, and you get in the car, and then your parents talk to their friends for a while, leaning on the car, while you sit in the car waiting for them to get in, just wanting to go home.

I expect that at some point when I'm an old man, I'll bite into a Pepperidge Farms Mint Milano cookie, and I'll have the magical feeling of sitting in the corner of a nondescript storefront while a really intense AA meeting for only vets happens. Oh, dear. Trying to draw pictures and block out stories about people hitting rock bottom. And those people are homeless people, by the way. Go ahead, Dan. Dan Macarons. Macaroons and macarons.

Big macaroon fan. Not funny, just true. Yeah. Macaroons are good. They're super good. I feel like one of the great gifts of adulthood for me has been coming to really enjoy asparagus and coconuts. Oh, I'm with you on asparagus. Uh-huh.

And asparagus and Brussels sprouts for me are two things where I'm like, oh, these are fantastic. Why do kids not like these? Kids are stupid. Well, one of the problems with Brussels sprouts, and I'm speaking as a Midwesterner here. I don't know how it was with you East Coast elites growing up. But the only Brussels sprouts I had were the ones that came in a frozen block from the store. Like I never had fresh Brussels sprouts until I was an adult. And then I'm just like, why the fuck did they freeze these things and then boil the shit out of them?

I will say Brussels sprouts for much of American history seem to have been cooked the wrong way. Yeah. That people just didn't know how to cook them. And they do smell like a combination of poop and death if you cook them the wrong way. And they taste terrible. If you've only just begun to not serve them just soaking wet. They were just up there up until five years ago. They were always just soaking wet they were just until five years ago they were always just soaking wet and that's how they add oh wet that's how the ad sold them too they're like soaking wet soaking wet

sprouts dripping with sprout honey i'm home oh good i made your favorite, cold, drippy Brussels sprouts. Just sponges for hot pot water. I didn't cook them enough to get the flavor into them and I didn't season them. Yeah. I hope you like it. Did you put a pinch of salt in the water? No. It's like if I boiled a cabbage. Yeah.

But it's tiny. I put them into a savory jello. Oh, well. All right. Okay. Put them into a savory jello. Oh, well. Okay.

So how lucky are we that we didn't grow up as adults in the time period when everything at a party was sticking inside a pillow? When it was like when deviled eggs were the best choice that you could get at the party? When all meat had a ring of pineapple on it? God, disgusting. I fuck with deviled eggs pretty hard, so you're not going to get me to go down that road with you, Elliot. I fucking love deviled eggs. I'll eat an entire plate of you, but a plate of deviled eggs within my reach. I'll continue to eat them until they're all gone. And then I will just fart myself to the moon.

Just like in the Tony Bennett song, fart me to the moon. Oh, just like in the Tony Bennett song, Fart Me to the Moon. Okay, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN or email a voice memo to jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Now, here's an unusual situation, gentlemen. Now, I know that both of you listen to Jordan and Jesse go without fail, take careful notes, and then study them to prepare for your own program, The Flophouse. Every month. How often does this show come out? Once a month.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a good one once a month. However, on this program, typically, we'll take a couple calls and we'll usually take calls from two different people. Now, what Brian, our producer, tells me is that this week's calls are from the same person, a remarkable young man who's had two remarkable events happen to him within the span of however long he waited to call us. So let's take the first call. As a momentous occasion, I'm a nurse and I accompanied a patient of mine to an A's game recently. And I brought along a whole bunch of supplies and medications to make sure that I could keep the patient safe during the game while we were away from the facility. And it turns out the only thing I used the entire outing was a large syringe to push beer through a feeding tube. Hell yeah.

I don't know if I'll ever do that again. It was pretty fun. Dude, my – this was – I just fucking Proust's Madeline out just now when he said – You slapped the Madeline out of Proust's hand. You said, I got a better one. Yeah. I'm a nurse and I took a patient to an A's game. My dad's best friend when I was a kid was

quadriplegic and he was like totally, he was paralyzed from the neck down except for a finger. So he could drive a motorized wheelchair, but he had to use a breathing machine in the motorized wheelchair and he had to be in an iron

lung when he wasn't in the wheelchair. So he would have an attendant that would come with him. But we would go to the fucking A's game. The nice thing about, here's a fucking hustle for all you disabled people out there. Physically disabled, I've got great news for you. Using a wheelchair, fucking breaking. If you go to an old-ass baseball stadium, they had to put in the disabled seats like last at the end.

Like they didn't build them with disabled seats. So those fucking, at least at the Oakland Coliseum, the fucking disabled seats were so sweet. So we would go with Ed because he was in the chair and we could sit in the disabled seats. You could buy any ticket in the ballpark. They put you in the disabled seats because he needed to go somewhere that was wheelchair accessible. And it was the fucking best seats I had ever sat in. And it was the fucking best seats I had ever sat in. Also, one time I saw his attendant hold a joint for him so that he could get placed while he was in his iron lung.

Okay. That's a good attendant. Yeah, a good attendant. So that's basically the then illegal equivalent of pushing beer through a feeding tube. And then do one of those Sundays that's in the helmet. Yep. I'm glad he said pushing beer through a feeding tube

because when he just said syringe and beer, I was like, no, you can't inject that. Yeah, don't. It's going to be bad. And then just pure nacho cheese. Well, you can throw in a few tots. You can throw in a few tots. You could throw in a few tots. Crunch them up, maybe.

So Brian said that he reversed the order of that call. So this was the second half of the call. So now we're going to hear the first half of the call. What a fun puzzle. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. I have a momentous occasion and a moment of shame for you. A couple months ago, I was having sex with my wife, and I went to go grab some nipple clamps. And when I returned, I blurted out, it's a clampy time, in the style of the pizza ghost from the Joel McHale show, which I had been watching earlier that day.

I still don't know why I said that. It completely ruined the mood for a couple of weeks, and we still don't really talk about it. As a moment. Wow. Weeks. Yeah. You know, I mean, maybe he was just trying to instigate a little Wario play. Apparently he had this sketch comedy character in mind.

But it's sexy Wario. It I read to me as Wario play. I don't know. I'm sorry. By sketch comedy, you meant the character from the Joel McHale show. Yes. Yeah. So – I know it's not the weird thing in the call, but the first thing that stuck out to me is

he had to go get the nipple clamps. Yeah. Shouldn't you keep them in the side table? Because you can't have them just – okay, in the side table. You can't have them just lying next to the – No, they're not on the pillow. It's kind of presumptuous. Like I feel like he has to keep them somewhere that doesn't suggest that anytime he and his wife get into bed, it's going to be a clampy time.

It's a clampy – yeah, that's true. So he keeps them in the junk drawer out in the garage or – Well, I immediately pictured him with the spare key and three AAA batteries. Every time they buy a frozen vegetable and there's a rubber band around it, they just take it out, put it in the junk drawer, make a ballroom next to the clamps. I sincerely immediately pictured, as soon as he said he had to go out and get them, I immediately pictured him like putting a robe on and some slippers and walking down to the liquor store. Dad went out to get nipple clamps, never came back. It's 15 years ago. I was really touched that he shared with us that it ruined the mood for weeks.

Yeah. with us that it ruined the mood for weeks. I don't know whether it ruined the mood for clampy times or all sexual times. Or even like

playing Smash Brothers. That's what I call having sex with my wife. Like Smash Brothers. This may be saying too much about me and my sex life. My sex life is fairly boring and standard. I do it the same way humans have done it for thousands upon thousands of years in a cave. Sure. But there's something about like –

Without regard for the woman's pleasure. Not what I was implying, sir. A joke I considered going to and I said, no, I will not do that. I'm here for you, buddy. I appreciate that. Thank you for saying the things I dare not do that. I'm here for you, buddy. I appreciate that. Thank you for saying the things I dare not say. There's a part of me that is like, comedians are truth tellers. So their sex life is open enough that nipple clamps are part of it.

Not judging anybody. If that's true, that's totally fine. But it is not open enough that it can survive a brief moment of an Italian accent. I do feel like if you're playing, if like you're, you know, in a dominant submission, submissive area, like if you're trying to, you know, create a vibe of like a little rough play, like it's a clampy time. I guess that's true. Really?

It's a me, your master. It does puncture the tongue. I don't know. I'm making an assumption about who was the dominant sub in this. Yeah, that's true. And I do not know. I don't know who was getting clamped. It might have been to be used on him, in which case I totally understand why saying,

it's a clampy time and then wanting the clamps to be put on you would be off-putting. Because you're like, how much are you going to use that voice while I'm doing this to you? Yeah, in that case, I would imagine him wearing an adult diaper and wiggling on the bed. It's a clappy time. Come on. I know. I can't be the only one here who occasionally, maybe when the wife or partner is out of town, sit down at the computer and boot up a web video site and watch Roberto

Benigni's screen test for Secretary. And watch Brussels sprouts commercials. Okay. If you have a momentous occasion for us, 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org for your emails and voice memos. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Swing. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Elliot Kalin, man from the future. You gotta understand, a lot of things

are the same in the future. Toilets are just not one of them. I'm not one of these guys who's like, it's not a reverse caveman and seno man type thing where i like don't understand modern technology i get it you've never had to expel the matter yourself no i mean because that's why we have the poop bots yeah that's the shells activate the poop bots i don't know but like the shells they call the poop bots well it's i don't have time to explain the whole thing it's a process, but it's very clean.

But when you're in school, do they teach you how the toilets of 500 years ago worked? No. So in our school, they taught us about what was – how people dressed, music of the day. I learned a little bit about how pemmican is made. Oh, how is that? Well, you smash berries and acorns, but you have to boil the acorns. Otherwise, they're poisonous. Smash berries and acorns, but you have to boil the acorns, otherwise they're poisonous.

And Dan McCoy, guy who wishes that the nicknames were read off in a different order. Your nickname doesn't have a whole thing that goes with it. Gentlemen, it has been a joy to have you here on Jordan and Jesse Go. A joy and a pleasure. Particularly you, Dan, as a man who lives some 3,000 miles away. It's lovely to set eyes upon your visage. Thank you. And ears upon your bon mot. Thank you.

And thank you for catering almost the entire episode to things that I can talk about, like baking. I got to say this. Look, I spent a lot of time. I'm not going to deny that I spend a lot of time on Jordan Jesse Go talking about, you know, basically Steve Agee's Instagram account. Like how much I love it, how talented he is, how he takes beautiful photographs in addition to being charming and funny. You know what my second favorite Instagram account is? Dan McCoy's. It's just lonely pictures of shitty baked.

And I'm like, man, I would love to be able to bake that. That looks great. Now, let's be clear. The pictures themselves aren't necessarily lonely. It's just the fact that you know me that makes them. No, no. Loneliness is implied in them. Okay.

I mean, I guess if I knew you to have a large family who were going to consume the baked good, then I would not presume loneliness. But knowing that you are a single man with a friend over, probably. Sure. Each of you will be consuming one slice of key lime. And maybe a wandering hobo on his way to Houston. If they're lucky. And a cat.

That's right. I mean, Archie does not consume so many baked goods, but he certainly gets in the way. Cute. If any Jordan Jessico listeners out there are not already Flophouse listeners, I cannot even begin to tell you. I'll say this. Many years ago, Jordan said, you know, The Flophouse is a really great show. And I'll tell you what I said.

I said, I don't have any time in my life for fucking bad movie podcasts. That sounds like the worst thing in the world to me. I'm not a bad movie. Rightfully so. If you are a bad movie person, God bless you. But for me, I'm with my friend John Hodgman in that i i just it's not my thing not not for me then i listened to the flop house i said you don't need to be a bad movie person to love this podcast these are three of the most charming and hilarious guys that there is in the world just three true

pure delights uh each more delightful than the last. I would say probably least delightful. No. I was waiting for it. Yeah. If I was to make a list of like the five in my history of listening to comedy podcasts, if I was to make a list of like the five funniest things ever said on any comedy podcast, two of them would be from The Flophouse. Wow. Very nice.

So much funny stuff happens on there. I would say three. Yeah? Of yours. Huh? I would say three of yours. I would say three of yours, but one of mine. Oh, okay. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I hope that

Jordan, Jesse, Go! listeners will check out the flop house. And guys, thank you for taking the time to be here with us. Thank you so much for having us. Yeah, thank you very much for having us. They are when Dan said, boobs are the ultimate breasts. I think that's my favorite sentence anyone has ever said.

You know how, like, they say that, like, cellar door is the most beautiful phrase? Yeah. To me, it's boobs are the ultimate breasts. And then...

Dan is everyone's favorite gentle pervazoid. Yeah. And then, you guys were talking something about, like, a factory that makes children at L.A. You said it was called Amalgamated Child. I don't remember that.

That's a good name for that factory, though. I think about Boobs with the Ultimate Breasts and Amalgamated Child Weekly. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. He's the one you can hear laughing through the window. Blame him. Jordan, I have a concern. Yeah. It has been voiced to us that in the past our corrections had gone largely to things that were annoying to Twitter accounts that were annoying to us.

Yeah. We switched to a Twitter account. I don't remember what it was, but it was something that we were neutral to positive on. I think it was Lisa Frank. Lisa Frank. I got no beef with Lisa Frank. Cool folders. They were great folders.

Does the Peachy Corporation have a Twitter? Don't know. I think they probably should. What about OPG? I don't know. Canadian Hockey Cards. I would hope. To be fair, I'm not annoyed by Gas Station TV.

Oh, really? I kind of like Gas Station TV. Wow. Wow. So. This show just fucking, we just fucking solved the mystery here. Anyway, so when I think we decided on Lisa Frank as our place to direct. People were worried about it. They're like, I like Lisa Frank.

Sure. And I was just thinking of something, I guess the game I was thinking of, of like something that doesn't really need a Twitter account but has one anyway. Yeah. So I don't want to be – Well, they like to crack about – crack wise about the news. Yeah, right. That's why they're on Twitter.

Yeah. I mean maybe the Lisa Frank Twitter account is great. I don't know. I don't follow it. If it's great, if it's one of those like fucking Wendy's or something that's like busting chops, that's great. Can I suggest something for this week? The Moonbike Twitter account? Not having put any thought into it, and I want to be clear.

I think we should go to kind of a customer service oriented company. Simply because then people will be more likely to get a response that satisfies them. Right. Because I don't want people to leave the interaction if they have a correction for Jordan Jessico disappointed. Maybe we could have them tweet at L.L. Bean. That's great. I love it. Yeah. At L.L. Bean.

At L.L. Bean. They'll deal with your questions, concerns, and corrections. If you have one, tweet at L.L. Bean. That's great. I love it. Yeah. At L.L. Bean. At L.L. Bean. They'll deal with your questions, concerns, and corrections. If you have one, tweet it at- We got some Star Wars shit wrong. At L.L. Bean. If I said something, if Snaggletooth is actually wearing a full, not a mock, turtleneck, my memories are very vague. Based on a toy I got from my dad's girlfriend's older son.

206-9844-FUN or jjgoe at MaximumFun.org if you want to get in touch with us. And you can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can join us in the MaxFun Facebook group on Facebook. And you can like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook. We also have a smash hit podcast called Bubble

created by my colleague Jordan Morris. All the episodes of that are up now. If you haven't listened, do so because it's a hoot and a half.

You know what? It's also a hoot and a holler. Okay. Sure. And it's a real pig and a poke. I think you're

setting unreasonable expectations. There are no pigs. Okay. Fair enough. What about pokes? There are no pigs. Okay, fair enough. What about pokes? There are some pokes. Oh, okay. On behalf of my

friend Jordan Morris here and, of course, the great Elliot Kalin and Dan McCoy from the Flophouse, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.

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