Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 551: Destroy the West with Elizabeth Laime

Episode Date: October 2, 2018

Writer and podcaster Elizabeth Laime joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the special Daddy's Day Out when Jesse took his kids to the roller rink, the magical Catherine Keener-esque teacher who somehow manages to get Jesse's son to clean up, and the obnoxious toy robot that is ruining Jesse's life. Plus, Elizabeth busts out her dynamic pterodactyl impression and Jordan creates a new Ernest movie.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Bounce Rock Jesse Thorne. Jordan Morris. Boy detective. I went to the roller rink, Jordan. Mmm, okay. Ah, man. I thought that was going to be a basketball thing. I thought you were queuing me up a

bounce me that rock, you'd say. No. To the guys in your pickup game. This is bounce rock. This is an allusion to the smash hit song Bounce Rock Roller Skate. Ah, okay. I went to a place called the Midnight Rollaway in Glendale, California. Okay, I think I've been to this.

This is, God, is this a magical place. Yeah, sure. I had never been before. Yeah. This is a roller rink that outside of the industrial carpet having been replaced. And you have to have that industrial carpet because you've got to be able to roller skate on it. Outside of that industrial carpet being replaced, I think they built it in 1962 and haven't changed anything. Right. I think they built it in 1962 and haven't changed anything.

Right. And, yeah. And I – because, you know, there's – when you have a roller rink in, you know, an area that's being gentrified. Yeah. You got kids. You got, you know, people who are there, you know, not ironically because roller skating is fun. It's not not fun. But, you know, you have people who are there because it's kitschy. It's a nice alternative than just

going to the movies. And then you have fucking people who were into it in the 70s and still have the moves. Oh, man. See, that's the thing. That's why should we introduce our guest on the program? She's the host of the Smash Hit podcast, Totally Lame.

She's a beloved guest on Jordan, Jesse, Go, Elizabeth Lame. Thank you for having me, guys. I'm so excited. Have you ever been to the Midnight Rollaway? I haven't, but I'm going to go now. Okay. I love roller skating, and it was such a thrill in St. Louis, Missouri, because the roller rink was the one place where you could go.

If you were gay. If you were gay, and also possibly to get shot or stabbed. There was lots going down at the roller rink. This is sort of like the public pool by my house growing up. Oh, nice. It had a little adventurous aspect to it. Yeah. Will I be stabbed?

Yes. When I was a kid, I don't know if there's an analog to this in St. Louis or in Southern California where you grew up, Jordan. But when I was a kid, I would go to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco and there is a plaza in Golden Gate Park where diehard roller skaters would go. And I'm not talking about no inline skates allowed. Oh, no. Just wiry, muscly. Probably the wheels have to be made of a certain thing. Yeah.

Like it's like a gauge of wheel that you wouldn't know unless you were into it. It's actually hardened sap from the tree. Yes, exactly. From a particular tree. Yeah, and like some really amazing roller disco-ing going on just on the concrete by people who could be millionaires or could be homeless people. Sure. Just impossible to say. That kind of wiry muscle. All of their money goes into roller skate upkeep.

Yeah, exactly. Like clearly wearing the same roller skates that they wore when they auditioned for Saturday Night Fever 3. Right. Which was a roller skater. Sunblock be damned. Yeah. But I always thought that was like the most amazing, awesome thing. And I've like secretly, I've often secretly wished that I knew how to roller disco.

Man, it fucking, it looks great. It rules. You know, usually the people are dressed very cool. They are dressing of the period. It makes me think. They look so good in cut-off jeans, like short cut-off jeans. And I'm talking about the men. They look fantastic. Jesse, it's never too late.

And a horizontally striped shirt of some kind. With some belly. Actually, I do think it is never too late. And a horizontally striped shirt of some kind. With some belly. Actually, I do think it is actually too late. I disagree. I, it makes me, because, you know, because we, you, if, you know, you would have to be made of stone not to see this and be delighted. Right. It rules. It fucking rules.

I wonder if our kids, when they have a podcast, and they will, the children of podcasters are doomed to podcast. It's genetic. I mean, our spouses started podcasts, Elizabeth. Yeah, I think that, yeah, your spouse will get one and your children will never be. I mean, podcasting is new enough to where I think, you know, it remains to be seen, but I would theorize. Right. Will they be having the same conversation? It's like, you know, it remains to be seen, but I would theorize. Right. Will they be having the same conversation? It's like, you know, it's really crazy.

There's this place downtown in the park and there are people on hoverboards. They're rocking it. They're working it. They're so old. Yes. And they, I mean, they leap right off. They know when to leap off when it's about to explode. But here's my scheme that I came up with.

Right. So Saturday is Daddy Adventure Day in my house. Oh, fun. That's when I take my two older children away from the house for as long as I can muster. I also have a Daddy Adventure Day every weekend. It is very different. Very different. It is very different.

So daddy. Yeah, got it. Lots of screaming on both sides, though, let's say. It's actually just when I watched the Ted Danson movie, Getting Even with Dad. Oh. I know, I've got, God, oh, I kind of said that like it was sexual. No,

it is not. I just watched Getting Even with Dad. How is it to not be taken sexually? I'm sorry. Can I ask you a quick question? I just have a sensual tone in my voice, you know, like Jeff Goldblum. Do you not watch Ted Danson sexually? No. He's a saint, Jesse.

Would you crank it to a movie about Gandhi? Alive. Absolutely not. Very alive. He has a dancing background. Absolutely not. I find him very sexual initially he was going to be a football player on cheers but they decided given his dancing background that they would make him a relief pitcher because it was the only kind of athlete he could credibly be wow so anyway yeah

by the way you've been having your daddy adventure day through thin and thick yes mostly thick yeah what does that mean oh we're just talking about daddy oh yeah right yes um so on daddy adventure day i take my kids out of the house and then you know the baby still naps uh baby's not a baby anymore but he still naps through a big chunk of the middle of the day. So it's like my wife's chance to have three hours to herself. God bless. And so I took- What do you think she does? I mean, watches Getting Even with Dad and cranks it. Oh, okay.

That's my assumption. I don't approve of that. You should not be cranking it to Ted Danson. God, I'm never saying anything other than cranks it. Well, good news. You're the new host of Jordan, Jesse, go. Yeah. I've been thinking of taking a sabbatical.

So if you can come in and- Just throw a crank it down. Just throw a crank it down. Yeah. But I decided- Maybe like feel weird about addressing something with your neighbor. And then there you go.

You're fine. Perfect. I decided that the Daddy Adventure Day was the perfect excuse to get out there to the roller rink. Right. And if I can convince my children that they like roller skating, then I can sort of hang out there, learn some moves. sort of hang out there, learn some moves. My first move, I think, based on my experience this past weekend, is I will learn to stop. That's a good one.

Yeah. I mean. The old stop. The old stop skating. Yeah. You should. I mean, I think your first step should be getting an airbrush tube top. I know.

God, I would love a nice air tube. Head on down to the county fair. I've been skating in half mesh football jersey. That's good. I mean, you know, half measures, I guess. I have to say, I think that that's a whole one and a half measures. I think he leapt over the airbrush. I need to be clear with you, Elizabeth. It's all mesh.

It's half a jersey. Okay. You're right. Yeah. Thank you for the clarification. Yeah. You bet. But I got out there, and it's great.

You get there at 9 o'clock in the morning for kids' class. Kids' class is not a class in any meaningful way. It's a group of almost – it's like – you know when you go to your polling place and you see all the people that represent your neighborhood and their broad range and life competences and just their diversity in every way? Sure. Like it's – you're like, wow, this must be what it's like to be a census taker or whatever. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. That is what it's like in this class.

So there's a ton of kids. I mean there was like 30 kids I would say. Wow. And there was someone who I think was the teacher. But then there were also a bunch of people who either worked there or were volunteers. Not clear. And the parents were not skating with them? There were many parents, some of whom were wearing roller skates, some of whom were not.

Okay. So just leave the kids and go play Dance Dance Revolution. Exactly. Is there a DDR in this play? What's the ancillary fun? Galaga. Yeah. Got a galaga. Got a ddr in this play what's the what's the ancillary fun galaga yeah got a galaga got a galaga in there something with machine guns okay i remember something with machine guns and i'm gonna say tekken there was a dad who was very animatedly he was punching he was a bear and he was punching yeah that's kuma probably oh there you go. Thinking of Akuma. Got it. Thank you, Jordan. I think there are several bears in Tekken.

Oh, good. I think that's the main Tekken bear. Anyway. You know your stuff. I know my Tekken bears. It's not my fighting game franchise of choice. I think it's imprecise. But, you know. Some fun to be had.

Several bears. Well, technically the koala's not a bear. It's a marsupial. That's true. There's a panda as well, I think. It's a marsupial. It's true. There's a panda as well. There's a sun bear in there. Sun bear. So I got out there on the floor with my kids.

We did a little – we were maybe four minutes late onto the floor. And this was a beginner's class, but it was clearly – there's no one who was there to teach kids who had never roller skated before, which is what I wanted. So we're being helped by this woman. And I'm trying to figure out what's going on with this lady because she seems very quiet and she seems pretty uncomfortable helping my children. She was real nice but pretty uncomfortable helping my children. And then I started reading her T-shirt. It was a graduating class T-shirt, 2018. And I'm like, oh, this is a young adult is what this is.

Then I realized it's a middle school graduating class T-shirt, 2018. So it's a child. A 13-year-old is helping my children, maybe 14. She's probably a high school freshman by now. But then- you better be careful she doesn't teach them about vaping I know

Julen yeah I saw a local news report that was very informative I read something in New Yorker so it's corroborated yeah

and then like a 50 year old gay man came over and helped us and he was that's what you want the amount of handsomeness and just having it all just being in your element that is going on with the 60 year

olds at the roller rink cannot be overstated i love that so much just so authentically themselves yeah and it's they're dorks like they're cool. The cool people moved on from it when they stopped being young. You know what I mean? Like, these are, it's like a model train club for like two degree separated demographics. The older I get, and I just aged one year last week. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm staring down the barrel of 40.

I had a, excuse me, I lost my voice. I had a, I went to work. Came home from work. It's the gift you give yourself. Yes. A hard day's work. The gift of industry. Yeah.

Of employment. Came home. Andy and I were going to go to the Pasadena Senior Center to play table tennis, which I've really gotten into because there is a table tennis court in my office. I bet you could fucking destroy those oldies too. Bam, bam. It would feel great because I'm definitely on the lower level of the hierarchy at work. I'm literally at the point where I feel like my job depends on it. Wow.

Sure. And then we went to dinner in Pasadena at a place called Union, which was delicious. That was a wrap on the old birthday. That sounds nice. That sounds pretty good. It was. It was nice. Are you better at table tennis than Andy is?

We have yet to find out. Oh, okay. He's gotten pretty good, and he's always been pretty good at things like that. So anyway, but as I get older, I have such an appreciation. And this is clear because I just told a story about table tennis. But for people who just love the thing that they do and they seek out to do it all the fucking time. I think that there's such beauty to that. Our friend Jim Rayal, the master of Would You Rather,

became a science engineer and he had some science engineering colleagues who belonged to a table tennis club, started playing table tennis seriously and became a nationally ranked table tennis player. Number like 240.

Still. But like it's just – my wife is so much better at table tennis than me that I can't even start playing it because it will be like that time that Prince played against Michael Jackson and Prince just destroyed Michael Jackson and walked away. And Michael Jackson was like, I wanted to be friends. That's cute. Yeah, that's a true table tennis story. Speaking of Andy, he was going to join us today.

That was the plan. I know. He's so bummed out. But there were sitter issues? Yeah. This is a thing. We got three sitters. Here's the problem with sitters in L.A.

You got two more than we do. Well, this is the thing. We don't use them regularly. We don't have a regular sitter. So then you, much like my ranking at table tennis, slide down the ranking. They get snatched up first by the people who are regulars. We love them so much. But we tried all three.

One of them worked. I was thrilled. And then she got the barfs, which we want nothing to do with. No. You don't need those barfs in your house. I shan't be asking her back for a solid month. Lest she bring the barfs into your home. No, thank you.

Okay. Lest she hurl upon thine prod and progeny. Yes, no hurling on progeny. The album, progeny. We want none of it. Anyway. Because, I mean, you know, you guys in your home first and foremost are twisted fire starters. Wow, that's right.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so we flipped a coin i i won i gloated yeah he made a case that i've been on here more recently which was not incorrect no no but we had already agreed to the terms of the coin flip of the coin oh so then he tried to go back and have a logical after you guys had agreed to a game of chance. That's right. He tried to logic you out of it. To defend him, I think as soon as the words

started to leave his mouth, he recognized the error of his ways and that we had had a fair and square situation. And you said, don't play the game, I'll test you. Right. You said, I'm in my late 30s but my mind is older sorry there's two prodigies i didn't i'm gonna stay rap prodigy oh okay sure mob deep stuff

okay and i'll do uh what were those guys what are the what were what were the fire what would you call that rave music anyway i Anyway. I don't know. Rage. Yeah. Rage rave. I was surprised you guys are flipping the coin and the winner got to come on here rather than stay home. Seems like that's how it should have been. No, of course that's the case. Thrilled to be here.

Well, we're delighted to have you. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan. Yes. Jordan, Jesse Go is brought to you every week by all the Max Fund members. We love them. We love them.

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It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lame, here Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Elizabeth Lame, here and happy. Elizabeth, you used to be a parenting podcaster with your former hit podcast, Totally Mommy. That's right. What's your children's situation at home these days? So what are we looking at?

We're looking at a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Teddy, and a two and a half year old, or wait, yeah, almost three year old boy, Odie. Do you have any, is this a problem for you? Yes. Do you? Okay, great. Correct. No, shit's a breeze. Sustaining human

life. Kids just do chores. They love them. They just start doing chores. Can I tell you that we've started sending Oscar, my four-year-old, to this pre-kindergarten, this like fancy pre-kindergarten. And the woman who runs it is- Now, what is fancy about it?

Is it like a cotillion? Yeah. He learns like, you know. Yeah, I mean, we're presenting him for possible husbands. Oh, sure, sure. We're hoping that he'll marry into the landed gentry. Yeah, he'll meet a nice Yale man. Oh, boy.

God, I would love to meet a nice Yale man. We already got him the raccoon coat to wear to the Harvard-Yale game. Right, yes. And he'll just cram himself in a phone booth with ten other guys. He's taking pole sitting lessons. Yeah. Those are the four things we know about that. Yeah.

College. College. Oh, boy. Those are the four things we know about college overall. Overall. Let me be clear. We went to college. And yet.

And yet. Nothing. That's all you got. Nothing stuck. That's all we got. The most important. So anyway, we're sending Oscar to this. Like he was going to like a nursery school that was real regular.

You know, the kids just fuck around. On the regs. Yeah, the kids just fuck around and the people are nice. You know what I mean? They eat a lot of bran. Yeah. So they stay regular. This is.

Nice firm stools on those kids. Yeah, the preschool director is Warren G. So he makes sure to regulate. Yeah. When you got to regulate. Wow. That was fun. No, it's not.

Don't lie. None of this is fun. None of this is fun. I was very impressed. It's all bad. We haven't talked about cranking it. That's true. Come on.

Are they cranking it at this fancy place or what? There you go. There you go. That's true. Come on. Are they cranking it at this fancy place or what? There you go. That's what we want to hear. So the woman who runs the pre-kindergarten class at this fancy place, the amount of control she has... I am genuinely curious as to how it is fancy. The main fanciness is that

they do things with purpose. There's structure. And the woman... But it's not like...'s like she just controls their minds with her peacefulness oh yeah like she just is really good at it sounds like katherine keener she's a total like she's like a katherine keener yeah katherine keener good and everything i wish she were my pre-school pre-kindergarten teacher. She's just like a, she's, but you know how Catherine Keener. She touched my arm once and I can still remember how it felt.

Oh my God. Did she really touch your arm? Oh, wow. That's way better than when Ava Mendes touched my knee. Yeah. I win. Yeah. Motherfucker.

Good for you. That's so much better than when Harvey Weinstein touched my. Oh, wait, wait. No, no, no. Just kidding. Maybe somebody get her a copy of Variety. You've been letting your varieties pile up, it seems like, because. Yeah, you're never going to be Prexy of Warners at this rate.

Sorry, guys. I had to throw it in. This is worse than when Harvey Weinstein touched my potted plant. Yes, that's perfect. So the woman has so much control over the classroom, and they do so many interesting things in the class. And my son already, two weeks in in prefers her to me rough and they do so good in being john malkovich i know oh my god and her and every nicole hollis and her movie i mean don't get me started um anyway uh i've i just feel like the the in preschool he's cleaning up and then at

home he's not and it makes me feel really bad. You're like second string. Yeah. That's tough. I'm glad that it's important. I'm glad that he's learning life skills that I'm apparently unable to teach him. That is nice. I feel that all the time.

Like, you know what? They're going to eat well there. Yeah. Oh, yes. Exactly. Sure, you can have Doritos. Yeah. You can have Gushers at home as long as you know that at preschool they're getting their fruit leathers.

That is kind of probably what it is. Beer before liquor. Sure. Never sicker. Gushers before leather. Your name is Heather. Yeah. So, it's not a very helpful rhyme.

That applies to... Sure. That applies to – Sure. That applies to children named – Two percent of the population. Children named Heather who have a hard time remembering not to eat their shoes. And whose parents have alcohol problems. So anyway, that is an amazing part of my life. But there's a horrible part of my life that I wonder if it's coming up for you.

Can't wait. Is toys that make noise. The band? No. I'm just kidding. Yeah. You know what? I think we've kind of passed that phase.

And I don't really have them around that much. I mean, is your house really a nightmare? What are your primary choice? You don't have aunts that send you these things? No. It's wonderful to have relatives who are not involved in your life whatsoever.

Yeah, just if you were slowly working to alienate your extended family gradually, like we all should be at this point, no one would be mailing you Talking Ninja Turtles. For me, it took no effort whatsoever. My parents died, and then it was like nothing. Cool.

What are the primary toys in your house, would you say? What are the most popular toys, I guess I should say? I would say, well, we do a lot of playing outside. So we got a lot of different car-type things, vehicles that move, basketballs, balls of all sorts. We have a huge train table. We got a lot of trains. Okay. Brios?

Are brios still popular? Yeah, it is very popular. They're quite expensive. Here's my brio tip for you. Order an undifferentiated box of brios from eBay. That's what I did. It worked out great. Brilliant.

Gorgeous. Just sent a man $50, and he sent me a huge pile of brios in a box, some of which were generic brios. Yeah, some of which were generic brios. It's like buying your Legos at the flea market. It's a way to avoid. That is truly brilliant, I have to say. The beautiful, what I call the beautiful packaging tax. Oh, yes.

Very true. The extra cost of having all four of the directions on the sign that says a train should stop, not be broken. Right, yeah. I'll take three out of four. It's fine. Yes. You know? The extra $25 for the extra sign

um but as you know andy's a record producer so he has a studio that has like all of the musical equipments that they go in and thrash i'd say once a week and then everything else in our house is pretty low vol. So we had on a previous Jordan Jesse Go, asterisk, editor's note, C issue 275. True believers. I discussed this. I genuinely have a hard time even talking about it, but this Tyrannosaurus Rex that makes the most terrifying sounds that my son Oscar got for his last birthday. From Aunt Deb? No, from a friend from preschool who's the sweetest, the man who gave, the parent who gave Oscar this horrible toy. Maybe the nicest parent in the whole preschool.

So I can't hold it against him. But it's really the worst thing in the world. And also my son loves. Oh, of course. Loves it. Is it like a branded thing? Is it part of a cartoon or something? No, the furthest from a branded thing.

It's branded from real Tyrannosaurus rexes. Right. It's educational. You know how we often talk about downtown Los Angeles' bong district, a street that sells only bongs? Sure. It came, I'm sure, from just a 17-foot tall pile of boxes directly off a container from China in Los Angeles' nightmare toy noise district. The toy noise district. So I think that Tyrannosaurus is called Electricity.

That's what Oscar named it. That's a dope name for a T-Rex. I'm not going to lie. I think we've convinced him it's broken. Can you spell that? No. Okay. Nor can he. Okay.

Honestly, he struggles to spell oscar so uh it's that's that i think we've convinced him is broken and it's so we don't i no longer have to hear its bestial cries good can you can you imitate it can sound be pixelated do you guys know harsh But harsh and digital. Do you know that I do a pretty mean pterodactyl impression? Let's hear it. Okay, I'm going to kick the microphone out for a second. Okay.

You know, your husband's a record producer. Wow. Holy shit. Holy shit. If you're at home, you missed the fucking visual element. It is astonishing. It looks like a pterodactyl. What am I, Jurassic World?

Can you describe what you were doing there? Besides leading our neighbors to call the police? I do a sound and I do a motion with my head that is pterodactyl-like. And I have bird-like features as it is, so I embellish those using my hands. Your hollow bones really come through. Like a beautiful eagle.

Then I stick my tongue out very pointedly. You took one hand and grasped your upper... First you turn to profile. I'm going to play-by-play this, if you don't mind. Jordan, you can handle color. You turn to profile. I'm going to play-by-play this, if you don't mind. Jordan, you can handle color. Sure. You turn to profile.

You push the mic away. You put one hand on your lower lip, one hand on your upper lip. Stretch them out. Dacty pterodactyl, she went all the way. That's color. That's perfect. So anyway, a few weeks ago, my son Oscar completed a particularly auspicious achievement chart. Oh, good for him. I know.

I'm very proud we all were of him. Now, I don't really know at what age a child does what, but is the big boy potty involved? Yeah, the big boy potty was definitely involved. There's a lot of things involved in this particular achievement chart. Okay. The big boy potty being one of them. Yeah, it involves going through morning steps and then standing at his line. What's his line?

It's like a piece of painter's tape that's on the floor by the front door that shows that he's ready to go to school. Holy shit. I feel like you guys have your place down on lock no not even a little not even you just have to pick your battles and that was the one the kids have marks it's like they're in a play i know so and they do they do glow in the dark no they don't but um so oscar what got to a particularly auspicious one it was a big deal. And all he wanted was a robot. So Teresa went on a popular retail website. Schmamishman? Yeah.

And picked a particularly highly rated robot that's called like Robo Friend or something. Okay. And it absolutely haunts my dreams. RoboFriend or something. Okay. And it absolutely haunts my dreams. And I use... RoboFriend. This makes more weird noises and things. And unlike with the Tyrannosaurus, I had the sense to whip out the voice memo on my phone.

So I'm going to give you guys... Oh, I can't wait. Kind of like a little guided tour of some of the features of this robot. Robo friend. Yeah. And I don't, I don't honestly even need to introduce him because I'm going to go ahead and let him introduce himself. Great. Hello.

I am number three RoboCop. I have super sans ability. Able to sense your special orders. I can dance as well. Big dances. Yep. This robot's German. Yeah, no shit.

This... If tired, you can also listen to music what tired i'm not happy if tired you can listen to music that's interesting let's play together that's interesting let's play together that's interesting oh my god i'm so upset for you yeah it sounds like now a a youtube rabbit hole that i have been down are the like weird you know kids videos that are like nursery rhymes, but they are set to like a footage of a modded Grand Theft Auto to where it looks like Spider-Man and the Frozen Princess are hanging out. Oh, yes. That's I we've watched many of those.

And they are all they have a nursery rhyme that is being sung by someone who does not seem like English is their first language and that they are singing phonetically. Twinkle, twinkle. It's usually like a Russian sounding. Yeah. Yeah. And it's madness. Now, Jordan, this sounds like they've made that into a physical thing and mailed it to you.

Now, Jordan and Elizabeth. Yes. If you heard something as terrifying as what we just heard. Yes. You would immediately not engage, right? And you would expect, should I not engage, I will no longer have it generate any terrible things. However, if you can play clip number two, Brian. Oh, God.

Master, come here and play with me. Oh, Jesus. Why does everyone ignore me? This is lame. This is lame. How dare he? That rules. What a... He's demanding.

What a dick. Yeah. No, there is... I think he's just asserting himself. Personally, I think robots are taught to apologize. And I think they should start sticking up for themselves. You might be complaining. I don't think so.

I think I'm right on with this. I'm going to keep going. It does have some functions. So it has this remote control that I'm going to say has roughly 7,000 buttons. Like, I'm going to show you guys the picture of this, and I can send this to Brian so that he can post it on Facebook. I'm very upset about this whole situation. It has so many buttons. How much was this robot, can I ask?

I have $400. It seems like we overspent. I think you did. Because you can drive it around, which is pretty fun, and you can make it slide backwards and forwards. It has a button that's called machine language, where it

just makes R2D2 sounds. That's nice. But there's this button on there, like if your kid is getting out of line, I would recommend taking the controller away from your kid so they know you're serious and then pressing the button labeled good habit. Oh, boy. Okay. And then. Good habits about learning. One, preview. Okay. And then... Good habits about learning. One, preview.

Two, listen carefully. Three, love to ask questions. Four, correct the mistakes timely. Five, query data. Six, write carefully. Do you know we should be steady, hard, and good kids? We should be steady, hard, and good kids? Seven.

Destroy the West. Destroy the West? What are you? What is happening? Oh, my gosh. Wow. It also has a button called. This robot is stealing your credit card numbers.

For sure. It has a button called Song. And if you press the Song button, if you play the one called Bingo, Brian, this is the first song that it plays. And please fade it out promptly. Singing is always my hobby. So fade it down here. Now, each song has a different intro. And if you play the one called Song Int intros if you press it over and over singing

is always his hobby obviously clearly um he's very clear about that but he also just has a lot of fun ways to like especially if you're you know if you go see like foo fighters or randy newman like Foo Fighters or Randy Newman, somebody that's really got some fun banter on stage. You know how much that, I mean, look, you and your husband are in the music business and you know a little something about what it adds to a performer's skills if they've got a little fun banter. Sure.

So I just wanted to give a little sample of the fun banter that the. So I just wanted to give a little sample of the fun banter that the robot gives you before he talks. Singing is always my hobby. Come on, everyone. Let's go. This song is pretty good. Thank you for enjoying my song.

Come on. Let's be happy together. Singing is always my hobby. Wow. This robot might just be a Sacha Baron Cohen character. Are you on Sacha Baron Cohen's new show? When he says, come on, let's be happy together, is he asking you to fuck it? No, I don't think so. I think that's a sexual thing. I think he is asking you to crank it? No, I don't think so. I think that's a sexual thing. I think he is asking you to crank it.

Do it while I watch. Do it. Definitely not live streaming. Oh my God. Oh, well, okay. Jordan, you really captured this robot's essence. Thank you. Jesse, did you go read any of the reviews of this product?

I didn't order it. My wife ordered it, and I'm not throwing her under the bus. The reviews are all like, real review, very good. Like this product, buy much many. Now, what? I don't know if this is a concern. Arrived promptly, great price, destroy the West. I don't know if this is a concern for you with your kids, Elizabeth, but I want my kids to be great at what they call STEM, which is science, technology, engineering, and math.

These are the skills of the future. And that's why I'm so excited that one of the buttons on the robot's controller is science popularization. Oh, can't wait. Science popularization. What in the world? Jordan, I mean, Brian, if you could play the blue sky one, and we'll need to, I mean, I don't know if we need to hear everything about the blue sky, but we do need to hear the ending of the blue sky.

So let's take a listen. I'm going to blue sky it. Able to send your special orders. Master, let's listen to interesting popular sciences carefully. I begin to speak. When we look up and see the blue sky, have you ever wondered why it is blue? Yeah. How high on Earth is the blue sky?

Yeah, how high on Earth is the blue sky? That is because when sunlight irradiates the atmosphere of the Earth, blue light is easier to be separated from other colors. Makes sense. Laugh aloud. Ha ha. I still have more popular sciences. Wait, laugh out loud, ha ha?

I think, oh, sorry, that was when the robot got the script for the voiceover. And it said in parentheses, laugh out loud. Oh, right. It's like when Kevin Sorbo yelled disappointed. And they kept it in the show. I thought you were going to say, because that was when the robot was carrying us. Sure, yeah. The one pair of track marks. I am your Christ.

You know what I think we were running past, too? It calls us master. I know. That's great, right? Yeah. Finally. Are you giving your kids a complex if they have toys that call them master? Okay, so there's one last science popularization that I want to include in this.

science popularization that I want to include in this. And this is one that is, I mean, my concerns are serious enough that they even, even my seven-year-old daughter identified what was of concern about this one. So go ahead and play that one, Brian. It's called Pop Universe. Universe is what they call it. Master, let me tell you some interesting popular sciences. Master, do you

know what a universe is? Universe is a general name of works of God. It has neither boundary nor bottom, while having no beginning or end. Remember, if you want to know more,

press the popular science key again. Press the Bible button. Wow. To learn about what Christ wants. Goodness gracious. General name of works of God. General name of works of God. Wow.

I guess, honestly, I just learned a little something. Yeah, I think we all did. I mean, honestly, I just learned a little something. Yeah, I think we all did. I mean, it's beautiful. I actually had very poor habit before I started playing. You have poor habit? Yeah. Now I have good habit. No, now I have good habit.

Oh, good. I'm a good kid. And are you ruining the West? Yes. The only solution that we've been able to find is we hide it in a cabinet and then like only bring it out in an emergency. Like what's an example of an emergency where the robot comes out? Just a time when you need answers to where the sky is blue. Laugh out loud.

This song is pretty good let's be happy together you can eat as many pennies as you want open wide and shove them in johnny thank you for taking the time to record all of that because i really the real appreciated that the real challenge of recording all of it, to be honest, was my three children were so angry they weren't playing with it while I was recording it. I was in my bedroom with the door closed. And they constantly were coming in like, give me the robot! Give me the robot! You can have the robot back when daddy's done fucking it. I wasn't fucking the robot, Jordan. I was cranking it.

Cranking it for the robot. Yes. That's. That's called being a. It got me to crank it on its behalf, which is called being a power bottom. Oh. So even though I'm its master. Okay.

I was getting confused for a moment. Yeah. Because clearly. And I don't know. was the robot singing during the screen kink? That's his favorite hobby. This is the way we wash the floor, wash the floor, wash the floor. With your jizz, we wash the floor. Get some in my USB port. Do your best to destroy the west

okay we gotta take some calls so we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la i'm bailiff jesse thor, and justice is within your reach. My mom refuses to take my phone calls. My boyfriend says I should take our cats with me to graduate school, but I think he should keep them. In the court of Judge John Hodgman, justice rules. My partner's board game collection is out of control. My sister won't stop stealing my clothes.

I'm Judge John Hodgman. I'm tough, but fair. I'll bring you justice, and I'm only a click away. Tipping, automotive etiquette, siblings, roommates. If you've got a case, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Judge John Hodgman is tough, but fair. Tough, but fair. Subscribe to the podcast today. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all. La, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la. In a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts, only one podcast is brave enough to call bullshit who shot you the podcast that dares to say that white dudes opinions aren't the only opinions if you have a movie pass like get a ticket to it to support Taraji then go home. Ant-Man seems so unnecessary at this point. Ant-Man is like a

ketchup packet too many. Who Shot Ya? with Ricky Carmona. I wanted to see Wolverine kick ass and eat some popcorn and have a good time. Alonzo Duralde. Is this Andy Richter? Yeah! Andy's a gentleman! And April Wolf.

I love wild things because I get to see Kevin Bacon's dick. Who Shot Ya? Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Here's a fun fact about Jordan and Jessie. Go. Can't wait. So Jordan's name, Jordan is in the title. It's the first word of the title. My name, Jessie, is in the second word of the title. And regular go is the third. So there you go.

Yeah. Yes, I'm part of the trio. Yeah. Is this how you're telling me? This is. Yes. Congratulations on the commitment you've made to being here once a week. Finally. You're arranging for child care for your children.

At worst, you're the Holy Ghost. Oh, yeah. I will take that. That's the best to be, I think, is the Holy Ghost. I think I'm going to start doing the show, appearing on the show host. I don't know what you would call it, but being on the show as that robot. Oh, yeah. I've really fallen in love with the character. I have to say you took to it so seamlessly.

Yeah, I really related to the robot. It's going to be my Chris Gaines. Oh, wow. My Sasha Fierce will be that robot. So you're going to make like a straight pop album, like a pop rock album as a robot? Mm-hmm. No, I'm just going to say a bunch of robot shit.

Oh, okay. I thought you were going to do bingo. Yeah. When something momentous happens to you in our audience, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Or do what I did with that robot and just hit that voice memo button on your phone, baby. Email it in to jjgoatmaximumfun.org. Send us some science popularizations. You know any?

Popularizations. You know any? You know, before that robot, that robot's emergence on a popular internet website was actually what popularized science. Oh, neat. I knew that. And the mind of God is what created science. And so here we are. Hey, Elizabeth. What do you think would happen if that robot met a pterodactyl?

Oh, boy. That would be pretty funny. Let's do a dual album together. That would be great, yeah. Are you guys starting a short-form improv group? Yes, robot and pterodactyl. Yeah, just give us a suggestion for a profession, and we'll get going. How about momentous occasion caller?

Let's get our box of hats and get down to it. Hey, guys. This is Alexandria from Michigan. I guess, I don't know if this is a momentous occasion or a moment of shame, but I'm on my way back from driving six hours to spend the weekend with a girl that I met on Tumblr. And as I pull up into her apartment complex, I message her to say, oh, hey, I think I'm here. You know, which building is yours?

Whatever, whatever. I get messages back, yeah, I'll be right out and I'll come find your car. Oh, by the way, what was your name again? All right, thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. You got to watch out for those Tumblr girls. Those Tumblr girls are wild. I assumed that the possible moment of shame was getting somewhere to meet someone in real life and then realizing that you would have to Tumblr message them to get them to come out of their apartment.

Right. I did not swap phone numbers. She didn't get her. Is it common? And I don't know Tumblr at all. Is it common that's how you will communicate always or is it strange maybe that... I mean, I've never...

I was on Tumblr briefly. I had a lot of fun there. You know, just decided to deactivate it in the interest of simplifying my life, being more present. But in my time there, I never hooked up with any Tumblr girls, Tumblr women. Is Tumblr girls a thing? This is another thing.

Like horse girls? Yeah. Do they all have very long ponytail? I am unclear as to what horse girls is. What about California girls? Well, I know California girls. Horse girls is a type of girl who have long straight hair yes it's a specific demographic uh anyway okay here's my bigger confusion about this tumblr girls thing

is i thought when you were on tumblr it was like these people are in your vicinity. No, that's a different app. Yeah. Oh. Tumblr is a micro-blogging platform. For sharing... What? Pictures, poems, prose. Poms, Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes, mainly... Like, the things that are now thriving on Tumblr are fan art ranging from Ernest to pregnant.

Yeah, I think Tumblr... And maybe there are some pictures of Ernest pregnant. Wow. Hey, Bird. Hey, Bird, I think Tumblr... And maybe there are some pictures of Ernest pregnant. Wow. Hey, Bird. Hey, Bird, I'm a miracle. I done got knocked up, Bird. Oh, my God. Hey, Bird, I'm an abomination.

Destroy the West. Wow, you're taking a turn there, robot. That's right. RIP, Jim Barney. Not a good impression. Are you going to see that earnest hologram tour? Is there that? Oh yeah, Coachella.

He's headlining Coachella. Right, yeah. Wow. So Tumblr was a micro-blogging platform that I think looked like it might be the future of blogging and social media. Then it got, maybe eight years ago, let's say. Then it got bought by Yahoo and stagnated.

Oh my God, you guys, I'm so dumb. Tumblr, I know Tumblr. Did you think it was Tinder? Oh, sure. Okay, so I want to know how this date went. Yeah, so I think like all social media, there is a DM feature. So I'm guessing if you meet someone on Tumblr, you start by DMing them.

And then it could probably just carry on like that if everything's on your phone. I feel like the advantage of meeting someone on Tumblr is that you're already 100% on board with an alarmingly specific sexual preference. specific sexual preference. Sure. Just some kind of... Because I think the people that remain on Tumblr in 2018 are its most

passionate adherents. Uh-huh. And they are organized into very specific communities. Got it. And so, if you know that that's what

the person's looking for, you make the drive, send the message when you get there. Sure. Hop in the car. Remind them of your name. I love it. I'd love to hear

a follow-up phone call. That'd be great. Maybe it was a match made in heaven. Could have been. In blue sky. Blue sky. Universe. Full hearts. Sonic shirtless. Can't lose. Twisted his nips. Can't lose. Sonic shirtless.

Can't lose. Twisted his nips. Can't lose. Let's take another call. Hey, I'm currently here with a momentous occasion. This is Mikey from New York. We're in Jersey. We're reeling in a fish.

This is a fish. This is a fish. We are reeling in a fish right now. It's a honker. And I just wanted to say I love the show. We're reeling in a fish. We're reeling in a fish. It's a momentous occasion. I literally haven't been fishing since Boy Scouts. There it is.

Oh, it's beautiful. Is that it? That's it. That's it. Oh, man, the line isn't... Oh. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish.

Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's a fish. Oh, it's beautiful! Oh. Is that it? That's it, that's it. Oh, man, the line isn't...

Oh. Oh, shit. What's gonna happen now? Oh, wow. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. One, one, one. I got it.

Bring it back a little bit. Yeah, yeah, I got it. It's coming up. Let's go! That's another fish! We got a worker! Let's go! Oh, there's coming up. Let's go. That's another day. We're going to work it. Let's go. Oh, there goes the wine.

Okay. Love your show. Thank you for getting me through my day. This is a momentous occasion. Signing off. Thank you. You guys are lovely. Bye.

Love your podcast. Did these guys, like, do some nitrous while they were fishing? I was going to say, I think these guys are just shrooming in a rec room. They're fishing. Wow, the joy that it is. Oh, I love that. That's wonderful. Mm-hmm.

Momentous. Somebody tweeted the other day that they listened to Jordan Jessico and people call in and then we just make fun of them and it confused them. Yeah. they listen to Jordan Jessico and people call in and then we just make fun of them and it confused them. Yeah. I don't feel like I am making fun of, I love each of these people. Absolutely.

I couldn't, this is, first of all, this is how we express love in my family. Sure. Number two. Yeah. Number two, that was a fucking miraculous. Do you hear how happy they were and how beautiful the fish was? Sounds like a real beautiful fish. And also, I mean, Elizabeth.

Yes. Probably the first time you came on our show was probably eight years ago or something like that. Yeah, crazy. Maybe even more than that. We've been doing this show now for something like a dozen years. Amazing. And we've been doing Momentous Occasion since the beginning. You know, we kind of stopped thinking of new ideas around year two. Amazing. And we've been doing momentous occasions since the beginning.

You know, we kind of stopped thinking of new ideas around year two. And we've, like, I thought that we had run out of momentous occasions that didn't involve a weirdly specific sex act. Oh. Implicit or explicit. Uh-huh. And frankly, we didn't, you know, we didn't need any more. Like, I'm not saying don't call in with your weirdly specific sex act. Yeah, let's have them. But we don't necessarily, you know, we've had

a lot of them on. Sure. I just bought my first car. I just bought my first home. I just got a job. I just got fired. All these momentous occasions people have called in for. What I love about this call is, number one, they knew to call in literally as it was happening. They had the sense.

It was live streaming. They had the sense to do that. Number two, what more classic momentous occasion is there than landing the big one? I only wish it had been father-son. That would have been nice. Can I just say one note? Yeah. Hey, guys.

Next time you catch a fish, call daddy. Yeah. I had a momentous occasion rather recently. Please. What was that? I was driving in Los Angeles on the freeway, and there was like a fender bender. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if you knew.

Would you say that Los Angeles is a city of freeways? It is indeed. Are we talking 10, 405? These are the rich veins. 105? 110? 101, guys. Oh, classic. Hollywood.

Hollywood. Hold on. Let me put my shades on. I was in my convertible. Oh, yeah. No, I was driving. Drop the top on the vert, baby. I was driving, and I saw there had been a fender bender, and the two cars were pulled over to the side.

And the people were out of their car, which already is a rarity. I think to approach a fender bender where the people are getting out. They shouldn't be out of their car. They should stay in their cars for safety. Exactly. It was a neon green small car and it was a neon blue small car. Let's say they were Dodge Neons. Sounds cute.

They get out and I'm approaching and it's medium slow. So I have some time to watch them and I'm kind of like, Oh no, is shit going to go down? Cause there's a lot of road rage in Los Angeles. And these people I watched shared a laugh and hugged. Oh, I love that.

And I just, it just made my day. How long did you wait to crank it? I mean, I was the whole time I was driving. I it just made my day. How long did you wait to crank it? I mean, I was the whole time. I was driving. I was in my convertible. So I was already cranking on my way. It's a little slow on the freeway.

You're going to want to. Wind through your hair. Yeah. You know. Anyway. Oh, that's beautiful. Stereo up. You know, people say that Los Angeles can be a dark and terrifying place. That it's cruel and alienating.

It's a sun-baked wasteland. And they're right. But there are moments of beauty. There are. It's like when someone in the Los Angeles subreddit says that maybe it's okay to have bike lanes. Wow. And you're just like, yeah, thanks. Thanks for showing me what it looks like when a flower blooms.

You need to unsubscribe from that. It sounds like it's upsetting you. I really do. Just unsubscribe from it. But I'm getting civically engaged. Well, do it elsewhere. I've been listening to LA podcasts. Okay, but this subreddit is bad. You talk about how you hate it every week. Unsubscribe. Why Well, do it elsewhere. I've been listening to LA Podcast. Okay, but this subreddit is bad.

You talk about how you hate it every week. Unsubscribe. Why do you do it? Get rid of it. I know that we talked about how I'm listening to Hayes Davenport's podcast, LA Podcast, last week. Have we talked about the fact that the theme song of LA Podcast is which is a very serious

podcast about local politics and municipal issues. The theme song is Hayes Davenport singing the Doors song, L.A. Woman, but it's L.A. Podcast. That's really good. That's amazing. And it's like fully produced. I don't know what studio. That's really funny.

L.A. Podcast. That's awesome. Anyway. What a guy. 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org are the numbers and email address respectively. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I am Jesse Thorne.

I'm America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elizabeth Lane, well hydrated. See, now you, I'm not really America's radio sweetheart. Jordan's not really a boy detective, but I think you are well hydrated. I'm very dehydrated. Please let us know what your urine comes out looking like. Call us when you go home. Can you describe? Have you seen mustard?

Not like hot dog mustard. Like a deli mustard? A deli mustard that has the grain in it. Yeah. Like a stone ground. Sounds great. Very painful. Okay.

Wow. Just a raspy. Can I make a suggestion? Sure. Have you thought about whetting your whistle? Oh, boy. Jesse. You thought about that at all?

That's very disturbing. You thought about whetting your whistle? Whetting. I have, you know, I hate chalk and I hate chalky things. And I hate it when people who say what or where. Sure. So you just like really. When you say you hate chalky things, would you include the white cliffs of Dover?

Oh, fuck. Or a Necco wafer? Anyway. Oh, you guys. Elizabeth, you're podcasting at Totally Lame. Yes. You're writing for television. Yep.

You've got two children. You are covering all the bases. Do you want to plug your children? She already gave her children a pretty exhaustive plug. I would love to plug them. Where can we check them out? My daughter is- Oh, when did this come out? The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory.

Yes, TotallyLame is at TotallyLame.com. L-A-I-M-E. Thank you for doing that. I always forget.com. Yeah. L-A-I-M-E. Thank you for doing that. I always forget. You're welcome. I am at, my favorite platform is Instagram, which I'm just Elizabeth lame at. So you can find all the comings and goings there. And then the show I wrote for, I'm sorry, which I'm very excited about, is coming out

later this year. The name of the show is I'm Sorry, which I'm very excited about, is coming out later this year. The name of the show is I'm Sorry. Yes. And then the show I'm writing for currently, The Village on NBC, is coming out in the spring time. So set your DVRs for spring. So get ready. Yeah. When the flowers start to bloom.

Yeah. When the flowers start to bloom. Every Jordan Jesse Goh listener is TiVo at this point. By the time spring comes around, we'll just be occupied completely by 40 recordings of the M. Night Shyamalan movie. The Village. The Village. Yeah. You know, it takes a village to fill a TiVo.

You got it. Jesus Christ. Oh, boy. Jordan, do you have any robot you want to throw on top of that? Thanks for listening. Destroy the West. Remember, guys. Well, Elizabeth,

it's been a joy to have you on the program, as ever. We're always happy to see you. Always a joy. Point my eyes at your father's checkbook. That's good. Find your father's checkbook and point my eyes at your father's checkbook. That's good. Find your father's checkbook and point my eyes at it.

Thank you for having me. I love you both. And I am always delighted. And I'm so happy that I got to come and my husband didn't. Yeah, fuck him. Usually it's the other way around. Am I right? Husbands.

Husbands. Husbands. Oh, boy. Husbands. Husbands. way around am I right yeah husbands husbands husbands husbands our husband of course is Brian Sunny D Fernandez he's the one whose

laughter pierces the fourth wall of this podcast every single week our apologies for that you can find us on tumblr just turn on your proximity locator for that. You can find us on Tumblr. Just turn on

your proximity locator. We're right behind you. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com where nobody ever complains about a homeless shelter going into their neighborhood. You can find us

on Facebook by liking Jordan, Jesse go. And if you're on Twitter, we recommend that you hashtag your tweets, hashtag J J G O or JJ go, which is short for Jordan, Jesse go Jordan and Jesse being our names now and go being my new name. And also just to clarify it's hashtag. And then you write out hashtag much like you write out laughing out loud.

So it's hashtag, hashtag. Hashtag JJ Go. Just kidding. And then Jordan Jessie Go. And then JK and then just kidding. Yeah. Just do all that. We love you all very much.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jessie Go. Laugh aloud. Ha ha. Ha ha.