Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 552: All's Fair in Subs and War with David Gborie

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

Comedian David Gborie joins Jordan and Jesse for an exploration of songs that car horns can honk out, a detailed character rendering of David's garage grandpa neighbor Kyle, and a debate over whether or not Jordan should realize his childhood dream by buying a full-sized Ms. Pac Man arcade cabinet. 

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Deep Dish Man. Jordan Morris ate at a weird time. Oh no! Sounds like we both have tum-tum issues. I don't know. I mean, since yours is being deep dish, you're talking za. Yeah. So I'm guessing your tum is in a good place.

You want to have some deep dish dish about my tum? No. No. But okay. There is a restaurant here in Los Angeles, and I'm sorry to all of our audience for starting the show, literally beginning the show with discussion of a restaurant with one outlet that is in Los Angeles. There's a restaurant here called Masa that makes a very fine deep dish pizza. And the problem with it is that it takes 35 or 40 minutes to make. it is that it takes 35 or 40 minutes to make. So if you go into the restaurant, you have to be, you have to plan ahead so much that you know that you will not be hungry for an hour.

So you have to be an hour ahead of time to go in there and order this pizza. And for years, even when I lived relatively close to this restaurant, I was kept away from this pizza. And for years, even when I lived relatively close to this restaurant, I was kept away from this pizza by that set of circumstances. Does that make sense to you? Yeah. It's just, there's no time. It's the same reason why I hate brunch. There's no time when I am both, when I am thinking that far ahead about when I need to eat, that I can go to a restaurant, wait to get a table, get a table, order, and then wait another 45 minutes. With brunch, more of the time is in the waiting. So I had eaten this pizza once or twice in the 10 years I'd lived in Los Angeles. Then they invented internet food delivery services, and they will just bring it to you.

Now, if I'm not leaving the house or anything, I can totally plan ahead an hour. So they will just bring it to my house and it has fucked up my whole lifestyle. Like this pizza, which is essentially three inches of cheese layered on top of one inch of butter and some you gotta put some flour in the butter to hold it together and some cornmeal I think is physically devastating

I'm incapable of stopping eating it once it's available to me and a small size pizza is enough food for approximately six so it stays in my house for days on end and I can't not keep eating it. So it becomes my only sustenance day after day after day. So it keeps good.

Yeah. It keeps amazing. Now you cannot heat it up in the microwave. You got to heat it up in the toaster oven. Sure. Because otherwise it's going to get a little soggy. Yeah. You don't need that.

But if you heat it up in the toaster oven, oh, man. Oh, man. So, like, today is my second day in a row of eating this pizza. And I promised myself I'm going to only eat one piece of this pizza. But then there's three pieces left. One for Teresa, one for myself. And one for L. Ron Hubbard. Who is coming back any day now from Zebulon 9. We always set a place at the table for old L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah. Who is coming back any day now from Zebulon 9.

We always set a place at the table for old L. Ron. Yeah. I know that about you. I've been over to the house. I'll just heat them all up because I don't want to save this one. Then I'll just eat it tomorrow. Do people know that about Scientologists, that they have a little office for L. Ron Hubbard for when he comes back? Do you think people know that?

I think they know that. Anyway? I think they know that. Anyway. I think they know that. I want people to know what I said was funny. So I ate my piece. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I feel sick. But then I started thinking about this piece that's waiting for me in the kitchen.

And I literally went and cut it in half. And I didn't cut it in half pizza style. I cut it in half crosswise so that I could focus on the sausage and not get too much crust because that's just empty calories. Sure, yeah. No nutrition.

So I took that and I ate that. Nutritious sausage. And then my wife was not eating all of her slices because she eats like a human. You know, like a normal human who can control their impulses. And so she had the whole top of the pizza is a piece of sausage. And so she had one whole pizza slice sized piece of sausage there that she had just slid off the top of her slice to make it less, you know,

intimidating for her. And I just ate that. I was already sick. I was sick after the first piece. You ate her top. So that's why I'm the deep dish man. But the moral, the moral of this story is that in the great battle between New York and Chicago,

New York, thin crust pizza in Chicago Chicago deep dish pizza. Yes, fascinating. I love that debate. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. I have settled on a position, Jordan. Okay, good.

Pizza is great. Yeah. Pizza is great. Pizza is very good. Fucking pizza is so good. Yeah. What happened with you and your eating? Oh, I, you know, I did.

Should we introduce David Boren? Let's introduce our guest. Our guest on the program is a stand-up comic. Hey. A podcaster. Oh. A friend of our program. Hey.

A neighbor of mine. A roommate of Solomon Giorgio's. David Boren. Hey. You're out of noises. I was out of noises. I went too long on the... Have you considered the next time you have an intro that includes more things?

Yes. Maybe adding... Fweep. Like how? High pitch, low pitch? I mean, I'm... Fweep. I mean, I guess low pitch.

That was great. I mean, I would like I mean, I guess low pitch. That was great. I mean, I would like... Here's the thing. I would hear high pitch, but I don't think it's beating low pitch. Do you want to try? Give him another credit and we'll just try high pitched. Wait, I'm coming in high on this one? Yeah, let's hear it.

Let's hear it in your head voice. A native of the great state of Colorado. Yeah, let's go low pitch. Okay. Let's do low pitch. You could throw in a skirt if you want to. Colorado. Fweep! Yeah, let's go low pitch. Okay. Yeah, let's do low pitch. Okay, yeah. You could throw in a skirt if you want to. Skirt, skirt!

I like, now I feel like I can nail a fweep. I didn't do my best. No, the low fweep was good. And the high fweep was fine, too. I just thought it didn't, it got away from me. Yeah. You know, sometimes. What about a car horn playing La Cucaracha? What about a car horn playing La Cucaracha?

Oh, shit. Your car horn plays the whole song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Vintage, vintage. They don't make them like that anymore. Holy shit. Usually it's just that first part.

No, whole thing. Wow. Wow. You know, like I'm going to say 18 months ago I heard a car horn play La Cucaracha, and it was the most intense and vivid nostalgia flashback I've had in my entire life. I was like, I guess my childhood was defined exclusively by car horns that play La Cucaracha. How many? Wow.

Do car horns play other songs? Are there other songs? Are there other songs? Are there other songs? Or is it just the, if you're doing a musical car, when you're choosing what's. Somebody puts their hand on the thing and goes. Believe in life and love. I love it. I realized after I committed to doing that, that I could not convincingly portray a car horn playing believe. Knowing that, that I could not convincingly portray a car horn playing Believe.

I lack the tonality to make that distinctive enough without the words. I want Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. And I don't know how to do it. How about that honk? No. I tried. I don't know. You did.. How would that honk? Nope. I tried. I don't know. You did. Some songs are unhonkable.

Jordan, you know, You Can Call Me Al actually came standard with 1987 Volvo station wagons. Right, yeah. Although that version is called You Can Honk Me Horn. So, Jordan, what happened with your eating times, my friend? Well, Jesse. Can I just say, in my head I said, I just started singing it with beeps. So I was like, a man walks down the beep. That's just what was in there for me. Oh, yeah.

So, you know, so I am coming here from taping a great episode of Go Fact Yourself. Our Max Fun Sister program. With J. Keith Van Stretten and Helen Hong. And that has the odd start time of 5 p.m. Yeah. So my sister was coming. I'm like, hey, let's grab a little food before the show. I got to be there at 4.30.

So we met at 3 at kind of a place that did shareables. So we had some shareables. I call those small plates. Is that tapas? No. Dim sum? Are shareables just lunchables, toppers? Yeah, exactly.

You know what? I say anything's shareable if you're in love. That's a really good point, David. Well, my sister and I are not in romantic love. Thanks for saying that. But we do love each other like family. Yeah, you can still share some stew. Of course we can share some stew.

One spoon. One bowl, one spoon. That's right. We're siblings. My brother and I share stew as well. We do it like, you know, soda pop pharmacy style. Oh, sure. In a tall glass with two straws.

You put your foreheads together. Yeah. And dream of a day when you can become married. Yeah. So, you know, so shareables at three, show at five. And, you know, they tape that at the Angel City Brewery. So I'm getting a free beer for performing. I don't want this.

I mean, I'm like you and the pizza. I was like, do you want a beer? Put some sausage in it? I just say yes. I don't want this. I mean, I'm like you and the pizza. I was like, do you want a beer? Put some sausage in it? I just say yes. I don't really want it. The beers are always good, but it's like we have one for you. This is your payment for doing this. So I have to just dump this beer on some insufficient shareables.

I'm coming to the podcast. I'm feeling weird. Just wanted to let you guys know where I'm at. I got to keep a granola bar in the car. David, are you doing all right? How are you doing? What have you eaten today? I had some leftover chicken that I made the day before yesterday. What type of chicken are we talking about? I do. I bake them in big thighs. Oh, yeah. I'm a thigh guy. You know what? I think that thighs are so obviously the best part of a chicken. I've been banging the gong for years.

Who are these people who have a choice of chicken parts and choose breast? What? Oh, boy. Sorry. I just don't understand why breast is the primary cut. Why would anyone want that? Thighs are laying there in the cut, all juicy. More expensive, the breasts.

Yeah, the breasts are more expensive. Phenomenal. Less tasty. Points for thighs. Harder to cook. Yeah. I don't understand it. I'm a thigh guy.

I'm glad we addressed that. I'm a thigh guy way back. I'm really glad we addressed that. Everybody knows that about me. Mm-hmm. You know the trick about thighs. You got to pat them down with a towel to get them all crispy. Yeah.

But anyways, yeah, I had some thighs and then some salad. Otherwise, all that heat, Jordan, is just going to go to evaporating the water on the surface. And that's going to cool your cooking surface. Guys, guys. Then you're going to lose it. I know how to pat a thigh. Okay. I know how to pat a thigh.

Okay. I didn't know if you were a thigh guy. Yes, I like a thigh. Okay. Don't look at me, Lou. Oh, you might have been a breastman. Oh, hey. Listen, I think all chickens a thigh. Okay. Don't look at me. Oh, you might have been a breastman. Oh, hey. Listen, I think all chickens are beautiful.

Okay. Real chickens have curves. Sure, yeah. Real chickens have eggs. David, I have to say, so I was lucky enough to pick David up at his home in Highland Park, California. That is lucky. My home. I was very lucky. I sometimes, Park, California. That is lucky. My home. I was very lucky.

I sometimes, Jordan, I'm not going to lie to you. Once in a while, a guest will come from the western part of Los Angeles and they'll travel with you. And I always feel a little jealous. I think Jordan got some nice pal time out of his commute. We have a little rapport. We get some inside jokes in there. Yeah.

time out of his commute. We have a little rapport. We get some inside jokes in there. Yeah. I don't usually get to have that because only a few folks live near me, but David is one of them. Yeah. Now, that said, David's house does not have a number on it as far as I can tell. Does it not?

I'm sorry. I am pretty sure it doesn't have a number on it. The only way I could tell that it was David's house is the front door was open. So I walked up to the front door. We don't live in fear at my house. I looked in the front door. I could kind of see around. I climbed up the front stairs. I looked in.

There's the beautiful Solomon Giorgio taking a nap on the sofa. Sure. I said, I found the right place. Solomon Giorgio is napping here. Then it is the home of one David Boren. That's where I live. Yeah. That's the dream.

That's the pinball machine around the corner. That's me. You guys have a pinball machine in the house? I saw the pinball machine. That looked good. Yeah. So talk about the acquisition of the pinball machine and what's on it. Is it a branded machine?

Is it an Addams Family? Is it a Twilight Zone? It it an Addams Family? Is it a Twilight Zone? It's like a- Aztec? It's like a carnival game kind of vibe. I don't know. Our neighbor gave it to us. He's a nice guy.

One day he came over and we replaced all the rubber on the bumpers and whatnot. Really? You replaced the rubber bumpers? Yeah, the rubber bumpers. So you're a real rubber baby buggy. I'm not a buggy baby bumper boy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say so. I'd say so. I mean to invest. Sorry, Jordan. I don't mean to derail your series of funny noises. Sure. You say your neighbor came over and brought you a pinball machine? Well, he had brought us the pinball machine

long before when we replaced the rubbers. Okay. So he's kind of a wacky guy. Seems like it. Yeah, he's out there tinkering. He's always out there doing weird stuff. What's up, Kyle? Kyle seems cool.

Yeah, Kyle's cool as hell, man. He's great. He drives a Lincoln Town car He's pretty fun man Wow Yeah Kyle sounds good So he has a pinball machine

He's like can you guys replace these He's got a bunch of shit in there man What else has he got in there Has he got like a boat Not in there But he has all kinds of old weird machines Oh And he's always rewiring them

And tinkering on them Oh that's great Yeah God I'd love to have a rewirer next door Oh man he's always rewiring them and tinkering on them. Oh, that's great. God, I'd love to have a rewirer next door. Oh, man. He's great. Yeah. He makes me feel handy.

I'm not. There was a guy who lived next door to me, two doors down from me as a kid, who was always working on a Plymouth Valiant. Yeah. It was just a classic garage grandpa. And I just thought it was the greatest shit. I still, I mean, I'm still like my, like I'm getting a flush. Like I'm aroused by the thought of his grand paternaliousness. I can't get a sense.

I can't get a sense of Kyle's age. Is he a garage grandpa or is he a – Kyle's grandpa age, but he has a ponytail. Okay. Oh, yeah. I think that goes without saying. Oh, he blows trees. Yeah, he blows trees down.

Yeah. Huff Sandpuffs, dude. That guy loves it. Yeah, he's a good dude. So what else is in there besides pinball machines? There's this weird animatronic – Oh, machines? There's this weird animatronic. Oh, shit. It's like an animatronic.

He built it. It's like a robot guy. For the folks who can't see David, which is everyone. Everyone. He's doing a great little animatronic move. Here in my voice that I'm doing this. Yeah. Watch out, Haley Joel Osment.

You guys have seen AI, the movie. Yes, when you think Haley Joel Osment, you think AI. Yeah. Is this thing that Kyle's building, is it gorgeous like Jude Law? No, it's not Jude Law gorgeous. I wish, though. God. We saw Jude Law when we were doing press for Bubble at the Comic Con.

Jude Law walked by. Does it feel like he got punched in the stomach? Yeah, he's fucking breathtaking. Yeah, he's a beautiful specimen. Astonishingly gorgeous. Yeah, it's crazy. Anyway, sorry. I didn't mean to bring up evil robot Jude Law and ruin the mood.

Well, he wasn't evil. I think he was a prostitute. He was a prostitute, but that's – But I think robot prostitutes are brave. He had a heart of gold. Excuse me, robot sex workers. I think they're very brave. Literally that line produced with a golden heart.

Yeah. Okay. So he's got an animatronic what? It's this guy that he just knows. And if you press a – Wait. It's a word. It's this dude that he knows.

And you press a button. A friend of his. And he like says stuff. Yeah. This guy's – Kyle's a wacky guy, man. Sure. He's a wild and wacky guy.

So he's creating like his own Chuck E. Cheese band out of his friends? But he's also always over there like wiring weird stuff. He's just always getting,

I'm concerned. He's just getting into shit. David, I'm going to be honest with you. I have to believe that the only reason you haven't done an entire comedy special

about your neighbor Kyle so far is that you are at like an angry detente with Solomon over who will be doing an hour about Kyle the neighbor. I guess I never even thought about it. He's great. Oh, man. Yeah. He's actually – he's like a prominent writer.

He's worked on stuff we've all watched a lot. Wow. Yeah. And he likes to build. Does he do Halloween decorations? Not really, surprisingly enough. Sometimes he makes food, though. He'll text me and be like, hey, man, I got some chili.

Wow. Robots? Chili? Yeah. Pinball? Sometimes he pulls pork and stuff. Wow. And then go over there.

So did he just bring the, he just brought this pinball machine over to your house one day? I think it was before I ever even lived there, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. But then – yeah, he came over and we fixed it. And it was a great time. Have you ever been under there? You ever been under the hood of a pinball machine?

I can't say that I have. Exciting. Yeah. I'm waiting for marriage. That's understandable. I have never done it, but I know that if I did do it, I would be patient. Yeah. And I would do a lot of oral.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. I just spelled the alphabet in there. Yeah. Now we're cooking. We got a rich lava. Yeah, this is fun.

I like it. This is fun. I like it a lot. Talking about eating out a pinball machine. This seems pretty appropriate for Jordan Jesse Go. Sure. Yeah. Jordan Jesse.

I think that's our iTunes description, isn't it? Right. Yes. Every week, two men invite a guest in to talk about eating out various arcade games. And sitting on a whack-a-mole so the moles go up your butt. Wait until I tell you about the time I went down on that Contra. Whoa. Yeah.

So, David, does the pinball machine- Up, up, down, down, left, right. Hey. 99. Can my mommy blow a load? Yes. All right. I didn't think about it.

I did. I think this is going great. Does the pinball machine have a theme? Yeah. It's like circus. General circus. That's pretty good. I like that. Clouds and stuff, yeah.

It's digital, though, so it's not old enough that it has the rotating wheel to tally points. It is digital. Yeah, it seems like the evolution of pinball, when maybe we were going to arcades as kids, it had already become everything was licensed. It was all licensed. It was all- Adam's Family, Twilight Zone. Twilight Zone. Seabear and Jamal.

What's that? Oprah. Oprah. Oprah and Living Color. And Living Color and Pony Machine. Homie do play that. Homie do play that. Ding, ding, ding.

That's the one thing that homie do play that. Homie do play that. Ding, ding, ding. It's the one thing that homie do play. When it comes to quarter-powered amusements, homie do play. Homie do play. The brand new in living color. You would win that on Children's Jeopardy in 1992. Jeopardy in 1992. But it seems like there probably was a time just before that where pinball machines just had general themes like circus or beach strongman or alien attack. I had a pinball machine for a time, the circumstances of which were, you know, my mom is a antique stealer and a store that she used to sell furniture in.

I'm sorry. I heard the syllables wrong. I thought you said anti-stealer. Yeah. My mom is anti-stealer. Sure. She doesn't like Ben Roethlisberger. Sure, yeah.

That's good. Yeah, he seems like a real terrible person. He's not a bad guy. But no, my mom's an antique stealer, and she used to consign furniture to this store owned by some friends of hers. And they had this pinball machine in there for like a year that they couldn't sell, and it was ladies playing baseball. That was the theme, and maybe from the late 40s, I was going to say. I don't want to cross the line. Was it porn?

No, it was standard. Okay. I mean, except to the extent that any beautiful lady playing America's pastime is exciting because of their commitment, both because of their beauty and the elegance of athletic competition and the celebration of apple pie, democracy, and so forth. I'm a bigger WNBA guy. Okay. That's fair. Quick women's baseball aside. Yeah. you NBA guy. Okay, that's fair. Quick women's baseball aside, I saw people posting up a storm

this week who are all at New York Comic Con. Saw a photo of two Comic Con goers in old time women's baseball outfits. One was kind of the coloration of Wonder Woman. The other one was the coloration of Aquaman. A Justice League

of their own. Come on, right? Good for them. The other one was the coloration of Aquaman. A Justice League of their own. Oh. Come on. Right? Good for them. That exists. Good for them. Good for them.

I like that they're out there living. That's very fun. I like that a lot. It's a rock solid business. So in the end, they just gave it to my mom because they knew that I liked baseball. Right. that I liked baseball. Right.

And it sat in my garage for, I was probably 15 when they gave it to me, until I finished college, was not able to bring it with me anywhere because I definitely didn't have an apartment that accommodated, and eventually my mom sold it at a garage sale. Did you ever play it? I played it a few times.

Okay. At least you got some time. I now, as an adult man who could theoretically have a home that could accommodate a pinball machine, I do wish that I still had it. And I'm not even a person who likes playing pinball. I know Jonathan Colton in that area. Playing pinball on free, you got to prepare your mind because, boom, there's Tuesday. Oh, wow. It's fucked up, dude.

Goodbye, Tuesday. You just lock in and – Yeah, it's fucked up, dude. Goodbye, Tuesday. You just lock in and... Yeah, it's fucked up, man. Is that about your... Yeah, I'll call you on Wednesday, you say. Yeah, I'm pinballing. Yeah, I... Ball's deep.

One of my childhood dreams was... We really have to stop fucking this pinball machine. Listen, it's just not natural. Until they put a ring on it. Right, right, come on. Yeah, I'm not going to be here. Anyway. Why buy the rubber when you can get the slot for free?

Sure. Yeah. Oh, God. One of my childhood dreams was to own a full-size arcade cabinet. Sure. Yeah. And again, that is, I think, something that could possibly happen monetarily for me. I think I could probably – I mean, what does an arcade game cost a lot?

Probably $1,000. Yeah. It depends on what you want. I bet you could get a Ms. Pac-Man for $500. Yeah. Oh, see, I want one of those skiing ones. Oh, wow. Oh, so you want like a Dave and Buster style giant.

Yeah. Remember those? I do. It would like turn on and like – Still the only skiing I've done to this day. Yeah. Giant. Remember those? I do. It would like turn on and like. Still the only skiing I've done. To this day. I mean, what other skiing is there, honestly?

Downhill. Yeah. Cross country. Oh, sure. Those are some other kinds. There's actually a lot of other kinds. Super long jump. I was wrong.

So far. Ski free for Windows 3.1. Ski free. It's a great, great ski. Oh, that's a good way to do the twisties. Watch out for that fucking Yeti. He'll try to eat your ass. Yeah, man. Fuck that Yeti.

That Yeti can suck. Yeah. But I don't think it's practical for me to pull the trigger and get that arcade cabin. I just cannot. I cannot. My brain cannot do the gymnastics around it. I don't think I can do it.

Here's the thing, Jordan. Sure. I don't. I think I can give you some lifestyle advice that can help you with this. I think your instinct is right. If you obtain it, if you bought yourself an arcade cabinet now, at this point in your life. Sure. As a successful white collar man, single man in his mid thirties, you would get a lot of fun out of playing it.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. But it would immediately transform you into a confirmed bachelor. Sure. Never again would you have a long-term romantic relationship of any kind. That's true. You might still once in a while enjoy romantic congress. Sure.

But I'm talking about- From some sort of good time Sally. I'm talking about the kind of long-term, fruitful love relationship would become impossible for you. You want a long-time Lana is what you're looking for. Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry, good time, Sally. Yeah, get out of here. Yeah.

However. But, sure. Pac-Man, Brenda. Should you find that relationship, especially if it was formalized in a marriage, I think that then... No, we could put it on our registry. Oh, yeah. I'm registered at eBay for...

A virtue fighter cabinet. Yeah. I think then you could kind of last man standing your way into it without breaking up your marriage. You could be like, oh, I need a place to be by myself and play my – Why do I talk like that? I need to put it in the garage. I need to write the rest of the Declaration of Independence. I need some tools.

Right. You know, that kind of thing. Sure. I need a fucking – one of those beer tools. Right. You know, that kind of thing. Sure. I need a fucking one of those beer signs. Oh, yeah. That's my beer. It'll be my beer sign. Yeah, you should get a hams one.

Sure. No, I'm getting a Ms. Pac-Man. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, Jordan, if you get Ms. Pac-Man, would you mind getting the table kind instead of the upright kind? I totally want that table kind. That table kind rules. The table kind. Oh, man.

I'm thinking about that because I'm like, well, I could justify this. This is a piece of furniture. It's a table. I could, yeah. You could put drinks on it. I could eat at it. You could put your hands on it. Sure.

Dude, the pupusaria by my house when I was a kid, Los Panchos, had one of those fucking tabletop Ms. Pac-Mans. and tabletop Ms. Pac-Man's. Yeah. The combination of tabletop Ms. Pac-Man and pupusas revueltas is unresistible to me permanently. Oh, yeah. It's like bacon and eggs. I can't even, like, just thinking about,

like, right now I'm planning a trip to San Francisco in my head just so that I can play tabletop Ms. Pac-Man and eat pupusas. Yeah, Just so that I can play tabletop Ms. Pac-Man and eat babooses. Yeah. I mean, you can't. I think there are new, you know, for bars. There are new tabletop Ms. Pac-Mans that also have like a Galaga built into them.

Oh, there's also the huge ones. Like, do you go to a lot of barcades? Are you into barcade culture? I have a mixed relationship with barcades. They can be very fun, I think. What's the downside? What's the seedy underbelly? Well, boy.

He gets laid too much at them. I know. I'm like, I still have a quarter left, all right? I'll buy the pinball machines actually. I'll be over to eat you out later, Adam's family pinball machine. I'll be over to eat you out later, Adam's family pinball machine. You know, boy, I just – I don't think – it's one of those things where I don't think they do any of it good. I think it is not a good bar and they are not a good arcade and I don't know.

I mean I feel like if I'm out at a bar, I do want to socialize with people and this kind of know, it's like, OK, well, we can all play one round of The Simpsons game or whatever. It's fun and we all remember The Simpsons game. But I don't know. It just is a weird it's a weird experience. I kind of like the idea of them. I have had fun at them, but I think they're they're they're neither dick nor balls. I think they're a bad bar and they're a bad arcade. And can I ask you what makes them a bad arcade? Is it that there's not enough wispy mustaches? I kind of like a wispy mustache. It looks like the first week of fall on the lawn. Yeah.

You know what I mean? That's nice. Some guys can do a wisp. Yeah. The 49ers backup quarterback, now starting quarterback, C.J. Bethard has a real prominent wispy mustache. It's not so much wispy as it is I think he's just pretty blonde, maybe like strawberry blonde. That's a bad beat, yeah.

And I love him very much for it. Like the 49ers starting quarterback is Jimmy Garoppolo who's too handsome and I don't trust him for that reason. And the dumb mustache on the backup quarterback really endears me to it. I like an ugly quarterback. God, I love an ugly quarterback. Just like built like a brick wall. Yeah.

But not Ben Roethlisberger. No, no, no, no. Not that guy. Fuck that guy. Yeah. No. Do you want to hear more of my thoughts on why I'm into this? Yes.

The barcade. I love it. You Yes, I'm into this. Barcade? I love it. You're a connoisseur. Your connoisseurship is impressive. Because I like the barcade, so I'm – Yeah, they can be fun. Which ones do you – what do you enjoy playing at them and is there one that you think is successful and why? Maybe I'm just – I've just not been to the right one.

So my favorite barcade in the country? Yeah. My favorite barcade in the country is one up in Denver. OK. Because the setup, they just have a good flow. Like they have bar seating as well as- Flow is important. Yeah.

Flow is perfect. They have bar seating so they have like the circular table booths and then a few two top, four top tables. And then they have like a courtyard outside with like a- You know when people love playing the huge Jenga. I don't really understand that. But they got the big Jenga out there and then there's just like a good general flow from pinball into like old school games, into like the new school sit-in at MechWarrior shit. Yeah.

OK. And I just – I like that. I mean I think the ones of these that are – that do do a good job are a good mix of old and new you know because some a lot of old games

people are nostalgic for but are in hindsight not fun you gotta have a mix of old and new gotta have a mix of flow and lyrics hustle and flow

hustle and flow yeah mix of Terrence and Howard a little Terrence and a little Howard those eyes gorgeous man talking about gorgeous men here on Jordan Jackson Terrence and Howard. A little Terrence and a little Howard. Those eyes. Gorgeous man.

Talking about gorgeous men here on Jordan, Jesse, go. Sure, yeah. Yeah, I can see that. What are you guys? I guess I didn't know that there are new arcade games. There are. Dave and Buster's still need stuff. They do a lot of like adaptations of phone games. There's like

a big fruit ninja. There's a big flappy bird. You know what else is they updated? Have you seen the new updated crazy Pac-Man table? Yes, I have. It's like overwhelming. It's very, very fun. It's very cool. I like it. It's like nuts. Because I mean the thing about arcades, playing in video

arcades when we were children, was that the game was way cooler than you could get on your Nintendo. Oh yeah. Like it looked way doper. Yeah like T2. And you were like holy shit. T2! I get why I'm putting the quarters into this thing. This is gorgeous. Yeah I'm shooting dead people

this is incredible. But now you're playing Flappy Birds? Yeah. But it's like big playing Flappy Birds? Yeah. But it's like big interactive Flappy Birds. Yeah, it's fun. All Flappy Birds is interactive, David. I disagree. I actually have a passive Flappy Bird.

David just takes out his watch. Yeah. He opens Flappy Birds and just stares at it. There goes Sunday. Do your thing, Flappy. I'm not going to. Hey. Hey, no hands, you know?

I'm not going to. No switches. I'm just going to rest it against my erect penis. Watch. Watch that bird flap above those pipes. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, That's fun. That's very fun. David Bore is a fun guy. Sure. We should have him on Jordan Jesse Go sometime. Yeah.

I don't know. We have weird beef. Yeah. Okay. It would be uncomfortable. Fair enough. Fuck that guy. Yeah.

He performed analingus on my pinball machine. Oh, okay. Very giving lover. We have somebody up on the Jumbotron this week. We sure do. Chad Ames Woodworks. Here, here's a first person message from Chad. So this isn't me, this is Chad talking.

Is this Chad the man or Chad Ames Woodworks the company speaking? I don't know if you knew this, David. Apparently corporations are people. Not in my town. Yeah. I am an artist. I think this is Chad. Yeah.

I am an art... Does he think he screams like this? Yeah. I am an artist. Apparently corporations are artists. Yeah. Loud ass artists. Fuck.

I am an artist who makes heirloom quality functional and decorated wood turnings. Perfect for anyone who is looking for a truly one-of-a-kind gift or who just loves wood. Using salvaged local trees, I love to find their beauty within and give them a second life as something else wonderful to enjoy. Whether a traditional style bowl or colorful bold statement piece, there is something for any taste or decor. I also love to do commissions, so get your hands on my wood. Follow me at Chad Eames Woodworks on Instagram and Facebook.

That's E-A-M-E-S. To easily find my Etsy shop, go to chadeames.com and use coupon code JJGO20 for 20% off. Why did you decide to read that whole thing in the voice of a fifth grader doing school announcements? Also, why was it the funniest thing I've ever heard? I almost broke up like 10 times. I have an audition tomorrow to do morning announcements at a local elementary school. I haven't been getting a lot of great auditions lately, but you take what you can get. It's a stepping stone. It could lead to other stuff.

Well, I mean, it's hard. It's not a dream job. You get in there, and you're like, oh, great. I'm in the same audition with Will Ferrell? Yeah. Yeah, like, I'm going to get this. What happened to me with Haley Joel Osment? Yeah.

I referenced him earlier, but that really did happen, too, one time. Wait, really? You were in it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I referenced him earlier, but that really did happen too one time. Wait, really? You were in it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What was it? It was for this movie, Eric Andre's movie.

Oh, okay. It's between you and Osment. Yeah. Did you get it? No. No, I didn't. Jesus fucking hell. Did Haley Joel Osment get it?

I feel like he got it. Yeah, man. Fucking Haley Joel Osment. I know. Get that star power from AI. He's just coasting off that. Reinventing himself. Yeah, constantly.

Fucking Eric Andre. I know. Pay It Forward was good, though. Yeah, we all love Pay It Forward. Damn funny. This sounds like nice wood turning. This does sound nice. I would go to ChadAMs.com, C-H-A-D-E-A-M-E-S.com, and you use coupon code JJGO20 for 20% off at his Etsy store. What's your top wood-turned item?

Oof, boy, I'm going to go shotski. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How about you, David? What's your top wood-turned item? I'm more of an apple turnover guy. Oh, wow. Okay.

Those are great. Although wood turnover is very nice. Oh, wow. Those are great. Although, wood turnover is very nice. A little hard to eat. You gotta cook it low and slow. You gotta cook it low and slow. Like my wood, like I like my grits.

My grits like I like my wood pastries. Turn. Okay, if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. My grit's like I like my wood pastries. Turn. Yeah. Okay. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, it's MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If you want to advertise on Jordan and Jesse Go For Reelsies, you can email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. And, yeah, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. It's Jordan and Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Borey, the Pittsburgh panhandler. David, where are you going in your Realtree camouflage shorts? That's the real question here.

Today or in – In general. No, like what is the – you're wearing at the moment Realtree camouflage shorts. Yeah, Realtree 5 if anybody – for those who care. Oh, thank you. Wait. Is there like gauges of it? I guess I don't know a lot about camo. You got to get the next gen. Camo with the new one, yeah.

Realtree 6 is out right now, so I'm slacking on my pimpin', but don't, you know. Yeah. I got the 5X. The camera's not as good, Jordan. You know what i'm a kind of a retro guy i got real tree classic oh wow it's kind of a reproduction for those of us yeah but can you get any text no i'm trying to be more present okay so that's why i kind of have a lower tech camo i just want to like breathe you know i just want to breathe i just want to be a person i just want to breathe. I just want to breathe. I just want to be a person like you. I just want to breathe. I mean, David.

Oh, I love to breathe. You're a Coloradan. Yes, sir. I actually just got back from a brief trip to Colorado. You were in Fort Collins. Beautiful Fort Collins, Colorado. A lot of lake trout. Home of beers.

Many breweries. Beers. Thick beers. Yeah. Just beers. A very pleasant place. Liked it veryies. Beers. Thick beers. Just beers. A very pleasant place. Liked it very much. Nice altitude.

I've been to a more- It's high. It's high. Fort Collins is far away. Sure. It's like just every business is a brew pub. It's only brew pubs. It's the only type of business that's legally allowed in the town. only type of business that's legally allowed in the town.

And every dude is just wearing, it has like a trim beard. Yep. And looks like, is a body type, is athletic dumpus a body type? Yeah. That's the state flag. Like somebody that looks active, but also not that fit. Well, they're active, but also they drink a lot of beer. Yeah, I think that must be what it is. And honestly,

everybody seems much happier than me. So, God bless them. Good for them. Coloradans generally have a pretty sunny disposition, I would say. I've had some nice, all of my Colorado experiences have been very nice. The people are pretty nice. Yeah, at would say. I've had some nice, all of my Colorado experiences have been very nice. The people are pretty nice. Yeah, at high altitude.

Yeah, they'll punch you in the face because they're weird hill people, but they're also very nice. They were early to that legal weed too. They hate it now. A lot of locals actually are kind of over it. I bet, yeah. I can see how that being your state's

thing for a while because they you know they were like early to it i can see how we were we were the first one i guess probably like fun for a couple months and it's like fuck this shut up about it yeah there's like weed tourism now which is weird yeah yeah a bunch of like dads who like haven't smoked weed since like they went to a grateful dead concert or well that's the thing about how much for a dime bag in colorado everybody's dad kind of did smoke weed. Oh, yeah? Yeah, like-

Oh, I guess maybe what I was talking about was dads who would come in from other states. Oh, yeah, new dads. Foreign dads. Texas dads. Texas dads. Texas dads are coming in. Well, it's legal here. Yeah, give me that.

Howie wowie. David, how many kids in Colorado would you guesstimate Kyle has? Oh, man. The 60s was crazy. The 60s was crazy. If you remember it, you weren't there, man. We can't keep track of kids. Anyway, my point here is that David Borey at any moment could disappear into the underbrush thanks to his short pants.

Oh, yeah. I'm a big – you want to know the weirdest thing about this? Yes. I have two pairs of these right now. Yeah. But I've you can and this is you can verify on my all social media accounts. I've been rocking camouflage shorts sit for like eight years.

Wow. Because here's the crazy thing. And you're talking about this because they're feel the shorts. It's not what you think. Oh. A little snapback. Yeah. A little're talking about this. Feel them. Because they're- Feel the shorts. It's not what you think. Oh. A little snapback. Yeah. A little shorty snapback.

They're actually basketball shorts. Wow. It's, yeah. Do you play, where do you play basketball? I play everything in these shorts. Like in a basketball court or a group of trees? Sometimes in a stream. Okay. I stream stream. Okay.

I stream ball. It's not a lot of big following, but we're catching on. At stream ball on Instagram. Yeah. The movement is growing. You know what the problem is? Hashtag dribble downstream. I actually subscribe to the stream ball Instagram feed, and it's great.

But to me, it just looks like pictures of streams. Okay. So maybe- Yeah, that's a lot of the confusion that we've been having. You redesigned the uniforms not to have the Realtree camo. Yeah. That's the problem is a lot of people are like, oh my God, it's just a ball floating

above a stream. They don't understand. And they think it's a ghost. Yeah. They don't understand. They run away from it. Active competition going on. We all dress according.

Okay. Look, we've had a lot of fun talking about shorts. We sure have. And brew pubs. Uh-huh. But when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Or hit that voice memo, email it to us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org for our beloved signature segment, which of course is called Momentous Occasions. I forgot what it was called very briefly.

You figured it out, though. It's okay. We've only been doing this show 13 years. Let's take our first call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, guests. This is Scott from North Dakota with a Momentous Occasion. A few minutes ago, I reached into a cow's stomach via a surgical hole in its side, and I touched the grass it was currently digesting. This was for a field trip for the freshman animal science class at the university I work at,

and this was at a research station, so this wasn't some kind of random guy with a hole in a cow. We had all the kids reach into the cow as well, and one of them passed out. And the researcher said, oh, this happens all the time. Love the podcast. Bye. That's UC Davis, Jordan. You think so? I know so. You think it's UC Davis? Yeah, I know it's UC Davis. UC Davis is famous around the world

as the university with the cow with the hole in the side of it that you can reach into and touch the food inside its stomach. You guys are the fighting cow holes, right? Well, I- Fight on cow- Let's all sing the school song, okay? Fight on cow holes. You love to eat grass.

Fight on- To your school be true. Yeah, thanks. Is that- Yep. We nailed it. Fight on cow holes. You love to eat grass. I'm going to be real with you guys. To your school be true. Yes. Yep. We nailed it. Fight on cow holes.

You love sweet grass. I'm going to be real with you guys. To your school, be true. Those are the lyrics. My brother-in-law is an alumnus of UC Davis near Sacramento, California, one of the nation's great agricultural universities. And my brother-in-law's roommate worked in the on-campus meat and cheese store. So they have active cattle herds there on campus. No, I don't understand. Yeah, okay.

So it's a university with its own herd of cows. Okay. Hold on. Yeah. What's a cow? And there's a store on campus that sells the meat and the cheese from the cows and pigs. They got pigs, too. I'm paying tuition.

I got to pay for my meats, too. No, because if you work at the store, you could take home as much as you want. Oh. And so my brother-in-law at college had an off-campus house with just a freezer always full of meat and cheese. Did he call his house Barbecue City? I bet he did. And one time, I happen to have mentioned this on the podcast Judge John Hodgman where I serve as the bailiff, bailiff Jesse Thorne. And I talked about it a little bit.

I talked about the cow with a hole in the side. I talked about how he always got this dope meat and cheese and sometimes I would get to eat it because anytime he came home from college, he would just bring a bunch of it. Oh, yeah. So I got to eat it because anytime he came home from college he would just bring a bunch of it. So we got to eat it. UC Davis sent me a care package of meats and cheeses. What? Plus a special UC Davis cup that I drink from to

this day. What? It is the only cup that I prefer to my E40 in a major way mug that I bought from sickwittedrecords.com. That's a pretty cool mug. It is a great mug, but this UC Davis mug is even better because I got it for talking about the...

Oh yeah, you bet it is. It's got some little dancing horses on it. That's their Aggies. Okay. Anyway, so shouts the fuck out to UC Davis, the only major university in America where you can stick your arm inside the side of a living cow and touch its food

inside of it. You think it's fun for the cow? I think it might be. Cow don't give a fuck. Oh man, he's chewing that cud. Yeah. He's got that good cud, baby. This motherfucker ruminating. Yeah. He chews that cud like I go down on those nasty

pinball machines. Thank you, thing. I'll buy that for a dollar. Four quarters, please. I was being the guy from Smash TV. Oh, cool. Doing general arcade noises. I'll buy that for a dollar. That's fun. Yeah. What's it? Pow, Oh, cool. Doing general arcade noises. I'll buy that for a dollar.

That's fun. Yeah. What's it? Pow, pow, pow. Yeah. It would be another one. Sure, absolutely. Should we do one more?

Before we take a new call? I would probably just sing the Tetris song or something. Yeah. Now, that would be a fun vanity horn. Oh, Tetris horn. You'd have to have a weird-shaped car, though. You know what would be good? Yeah.

It goes down and then back. You know, you never get the long, straight car when you need it. You never get the long, straight car when you need it. It would be cool if there was a car horn that just went, da-na-na-na-na-na. People would all know what that was. Yeah. That's fun. Do we get another call?

Yeah, I guess probably. I mean, Brian's kind of in charge of that. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, lovely guest. I have a momentous occasion to share with you all. I have a friend who recently had a birthday and she's had kind of a tough year and a group of us were trying to figure out something special we could do for

her. And one of our friends mentioned that this person had said to her that she was interested in visiting a professional dom and she knew the guy that she wanted to see, and it was just a matter of our friend sort of pulling the trigger because it's kind of an expensive visit, but she was really interested in doing it, and so we decided to take up a collection from a small group of us who we thought she wouldn't mind if they knew that she wanted to go see a professional dom, and we researched the guy.

We sent him an email and we said, do you do gift certificates? And he said, not really. But he was so on board with our plan and was so excited that we were interested in doing this for our friend. Also, he has a dot-top website, which I thought you guys might enjoy. So anyway, we got all the money together. It's $500 for a two-hour visit. And we presented it to her with a gift certificate that I designed, since the Dom doesn't have gift certificates. And yeah, it was really exciting.

She was really touched touched i guess is probably the word and um we're keeping the spirit of anal august alive all year round thanks you guys thank you without a base without a trace yeah now can i ask a question why do you have to pay to play dominoes. Oh, now hold on. Now hold on, David. That was great! Hooray! David, David Borey. Yeah.

Yeah, I prefer a professional sub, that's why I go to Jimmy John's. Sorry. I keep talking about this. I love it. All right. I'm just surprised that you paid $500 for two hours at Jimmy John's.

Well, hey, it's two hours in there. Anything goes. I have a safe word. It's oil and vinegar. yeah it's oil and vinegar the part the part that jumped out to me yeah about this call was the specific idea that you have a you have a certain you have a circle of acquaintances within that you have a circle of friends yes within that you have a circle of friends. Within that, you have a circle of friends who you would be comfortable raising money

to hire you a professional dominatro. Is that dominatro? Dominatro. That's my favorite American gladiator. Yeah, it's the coolest thing I've ever heard. It's my favorite upgrade in RC Pro M2. Oh, yeah, sure.

You got to get that Dama Nitro. Bomb that shoots backwards. But, like, I think the idea of having intimates who are on your team, who not only – who know that they are close enough to you, that not only they know that you would like that, but you're cool with them paying for you to do that. Because like no matter what my personal sexual interest is, Jordan, I would be uncomfortable with you paying for me to pursue it sure like we're good friends i guess i could just do it but do you have a sexual not all of them you could just set up like that so i know that is a unique kind yeah there's a

certain strata of that that i often i often wish i had some sexual interest. Like when you hear about these, like the guy who was the boss of F1, who was like a weird old man who would go get beat up by people dressed as Nazis or something. Sure. He would get beat up by them. Yeah, I think so. I believe that was what was going on. I'm not an F1 follower.

Can't pick who. More of a NASCAR guy. I like funny trucks. But, like, there's a part of me, you know, obviously I wouldn't want Nazis to be part of it. No. But there's a part of me that hears about a specific sexual interest like that and is like, man, on the one hand, i can see how inconvenient it would be i could see what a hassle it would be you know if you can only only get a boner in a field of clovers or whatever hey you gotta move to stockton or wherever yeah fucking stockton cloverton yeah as it's known

yeah is that what the movie cloverfield is about? Yeah. Just a dude where a heart is a rock. That was a big reveal. Oh, wow. He didn't want anyone to know what happened in Cloverfield because in the end, just a guy popping a boner. Yeah, wow. Relaxing on his back in a field of greenery. Oh, I just imagined him standing up with his hands in his pockets. Yeah.

But what I – Just looking around. Just a math textbook. Yeah. Just studying here in this field. I think that like – but the part that is appealing to me is the idea that your sexuality could be like plug and play, that there would be a thing that would so power your sexuality could be like plug and play that there would be a thing that would so power your sexuality that you could just pay 500 to someone and it would be achieved you know what i think this it it is i think it is not that it is usually i think it is that it is the there's

you know the thing the thing you've always been curious about. I think that's what this is. Right. This is the like the what if. Yeah. It's not like the everyday. Who knows? And then I think that's what you're doing is I think you're hiring someone who knows how to do the thing you've always been curious about. Play dominoes.

Play dominoes for instance. Can I say what struck out to me about this was that that woman sounded exactly like the green M&M. Oh. Yeah. That was crazy. People ask me if I'm a – people have been – I've been getting some tweets congratulating me on my voiceover work in an M&M commercial. Oh, were you – did you – David Cross.

David Cross. David Cross, thank you. I would love to Was it just you talking about the real Slim Shady LP? Yes. It was. Anyway. Anyway, continue. I mean, Jordan. Yeah. If the M&M's

people are out there. Yeah, if Cross wants too much money, or, you know, he castles you, he turns all, I mean, I know, yeah, if I know Kross, he'll get all punk rock on you. I won't. Nope. I'm ready to sell out M&M's. In an instant.

Sure. But also Marshall, if you're listening. Sure, yeah. You know, anything goes. Yeah. If you need me to replace M&M – At your function? Yeah. At your need me to replace Eminem. At your function?

Yeah. At your work party? Mm-hmm. Can I say something? Carob chips. If you're out there, I'll do that. Oh. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it, as long as I don't have to eat carob chips.

Yeah, I think in the commercial, they can replace them with actual chocolate. Yeah. You can go, num, num, carob. Well, they'll have to make them look a little more sickly. Sure, yeah. Or like dusty, like they've been out on a shelf, like not in a bag. Why are these kind of

dirty? Are we just saying stuff we want to advertise for now? I think so. Go ahead, yeah, what do you got? At the same time, Karen, I thought that this is a big platform. Please come back to me. Oh, okay. Just come home. Solid. Go ahead. Yeah, what do you got? At the same time, Karen, I thought that this is a big platform. Please come back to me. Oh, okay. Just come home.

Solid. No, this is not a big platform, though. Oh, and while we're talking- Bigger than my rooftop, you know? She can't hear me. And Karen, if you're out there, I'll see you at Jimmy John's after the show. Sorry, man. I didn't want to have to tell you like this.

I thought it kind of came up organically. I have stolen tons of dudes' girls and taken them to Jimmy John's. You think I'm new to this? Sure. Thanks, man. I get it. You know, all's fair, right? Yeah, I know how the game goes.

All's fair in subs and wars. Yeah, sure. Uh-huh. It's oil and vinegar, baby. 206-984-4FUN or email us your voice memos at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, everyone, to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. So far, the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition. Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty?

Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast. Titan Fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with hilarious conversations. Woke trips through the history of wrestling. And joke about the finer points of people wearing spandex. What a match! And the Titan Fights podcast will be back every week.

Thursdays on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Please, these hosts have families. Tights and Fights podcast. Tights and Fights. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. you know about chicken husbandry? You gotta give him that grain. Alright. Gotta give him that grain. And then smart again. What future Hall of Fame pitcher for the Cleveland Indians became the first active player to enlist? Bob Feller.

Oh, okay. We've got me, co-host Helen Hong, plus celebrity guests and actual surprise experts. Alright, we have an expert on hand who can tell us for sure. Is it Alan Haley? Helen, who do we have tonight? Alan Haley! Alan Haley! In the coming weeks, you have tonight? Alan Havie! Alan Havie! In the coming weeks, you can hear guests like Maria Bamford, Tom Bergeron, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and Grant Imahara.

Check us out on the first and third Friday of every month here on the Maximum Fun Network. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laacks. Slacks, I slipped and fell in a local grocery. Slipped, you say? Help me, Slacks. I've been killed by my dad. I don't follow. How far? I said I don't follow.

Oh, okay. Slacks is a little slow. Slow Slacks? Slacks never is. Slacks didn't technically go to law school. No, no, no. Slacks isn't technically wearing pants. Have you ever seen – It's just a nickname.

Nobody knows how he got it. You know, former California speaker of the legislature and Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, I once looked up the law school that he went to. He's famous for having failed the bar like seven times in a row. And I don't think he ever passed. I think he failed it seven times in a row. He went to a law school that I Googled and looked up a picture of. You can like just look it up on like Google images. Yeah. This isn't like a strip mall by a vape shop. Google Images. Yeah.

This isn't like a strip mall by a vape shop. It is, like, worse than that. Like, you can't even believe. Like, it's, you know, like, one letter hanging down. Oh, yeah. Back and forth. Like, it's like. Law is misspelled. Yeah.

It's just called, like, the Universal Life Law School. Jake's Law School. Yeah. Same place you go when you need to officiate your friend's wedding. God, I wish I was that handsome. Go to a law school like that, become a mayor. Yeah. Oh, jeez.

Gotta be a mayor. Gotta be a mayor. I don't have those David Borey looks. Oh, do I have mayor looks? Yeah. You got mayor written all over you. You got mayor written all over you. Get it off.

I sure do. I think you are the next mayor, if not of Los Angeles, I'm going to grant you Los Angeles might be a- That's a stretch. A lot of competition. You're going to have to beat Councilman Herb Wesson for one thing. I don't want to. Not with a stick. You don't want to fuck with Wesson.

I don't think that's worth your time. Understandable. Wesson will kill you five times before you hit the ground. Try and beat Wesson. I don't think that's worth your time. Wesson will kill you five times before you hit the ground. Try and beat Wesson. I don't think Los Angeles is where you should be shooting, but Riverside, why not? Riverside Mayor David Borey announces

referendum. Referendum! I could do that. Camouflage shorts day in Riverside. What I worry... I think they're set there. I have do that. Camouflage shorts day in Riverside. What I worry... I think they're set there. I have a mayor face, but... That's how he gets elected. Oh, right. He runs on a camouflage shorts

platform. People are like, finally! A candidate who speaks for me. We haven't been spoken to. That's damn true. For too long, our politicians have pushed camouflage shorts with tiger stripes or other old-timey camouflages. Horseshit. When we know that there is only one true camo.

The duck. Yeah. Duck camouflage. Only camouflage. You ever do digi-camo? No. No digi-camo. No, I only like duck camo.

Only true trees. Only real tree. Yeah. I'm sponsored? No, I only like DuckCamo. Only true trees? Only real tree. Yeah. I'm sponsored. Well, congratulations on that. Oh, man, it was a hard battle. That's because he's got those good looks. Mm-hmm.

We would have camouflage sponsorships. You guys should get a camo sponsor. That'd be nice. That'd be nice. Can we get Razzle Dazzle Camo to sponsor us? Yeah, I mean, ideally. I mean, you can't tell whether we're coming or going. Is that their slogan?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, what? Comment's spelled with a U, though. It's pronounced Cuman. Cuman or going? We're getting punchy in here. Yeah. I like it.

David, for our listeners who live in the Southern California area. Yes. You're launching a brand new show with the co-host Earthquake. Okay, no. Comedian Earthquake. Earthquake is on my dream list of comics to look. Okay, so it's you and Bruce Bruce. It's also on my list.

Okay, we had a conversation about this during the break, and I am misremembering the whole thing. No. So my understanding is it's Bruce Bruce and Earthquake. No. Oh, man. You're not involved. Good God. That's the blockbuster I've been dreaming.

Tsunami of charm destroying the audience. Oh, my God. Could you imagine if they were like a buddy cop? That'd be gorgeous. That'd be nice. Jesus. That'd be nice. Yeah. No, but

I am a noted Bruce Bruce and earthquake enthusiast. I'm starting a comedy show October 12th. It's going to be every Friday with myself, Zach Toscani, Mike Malloy, and Sean Jordan, and it's going to be

called Faded because we're adult men. And it's at Blue Rooster Art Supplies. It's not a comedy venue, but I'm excited about this. But it's BYOB. Hey. And it's a cool little spot. But not BYOAS. Do not bring your own art supplies.

No, no, no, no, wait. If you bring a felt tip, I'll fuck you up. Yeah. And do not BYOB with B being bored, like the kind of board that you paint on when you're not painting on stretched canvas. No, no. Buy stretched canvas from the stores. Support the artists. Or just buy the canvas and the wood and stretch your own canvases if you're a real fine artist.

I know a guy who does that. Shout out to Brian Kenney. Yeah. Shout the fuck out to Brian Kenney. Shout out to fucking Brian Kenney. Yeah. Shout out to fucking Alan. Yeah.

Shout out to Solomon Giorgio taking a nap on the couch. Yeah, shout out to Kyle. Kyle over there in the garage making robots of his friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said Alan, I meant Kyle. That's okay. I'm concerned that maybe

Kyle has trapped his friend's soul in that robot. Is that a concern of yours? There's a case for it. Yeah, I think so too. There's a case to be made. Man, you know what would be a trip? Pitch this to Kyle.

Kyle, drop everything. I've got your new weird thing. Put that robot down. Oh, dude. I dropped my dude. We have business, Kyle. Oh. Can you still smoke weed that's been on the ground?

Kyle knows how to blow trees oh yeah um so here's my pitch okay take the automaton yeah and you know how the automaton has his friend's face on there and says his friend's favorite cash phrases yeah here's some fucking shit instead of his's face, have him put a mirror there. Oh. What the fuck, right? Sure, yeah. Sorry, I don't mean to fuck with you guys' head right at the end of the show. Man, first this corporations are people thing. Yeah.

Anyway. My brain river just overflowed. Man. That was a lot. Yeah. That's a lot for me. That was probably my favorite number from Showboat. What?

Brain River. Old Brain River, it just keeps flowing. When Kyle is tinkering, tinkering away. Okay, well, David, it has been a joy to have you on the program, as ever. Thank you so much. A lot of fun to pick you up in Highland Park. You're going to have to make your own way home. Well, this is an unexpected turn.

Thank God I'm wearing my Healy brand heels. You'll be there in nine hours. I was visiting a school the other day, a possible school for one of my children. And one of the kids there, who was too old, I'll say. For school? Yeah. For this activity. This was a man.

13 or 14 years old, fucking Healy down the whole hall. And while he was rolling down the hall, I just thought like, man, that shit looks so fucking fun. Yeah, it looks really cool. Like I'm a little bit too old to have ever Healy'd. Yeah. Healy's were invented when my 10 years younger younger brother was in Heely age. But that shit looks so fucking dope. It's fun.

Man, between that and fucking sneakers with lights inside of them. Yeah. Fucking being a kid rules now. And you get to cyber bully people. Which I love. Oh, shit. I love bullying. Sure.

And you love the cyber. A-S-L. A-S-L, baby. love oh shit i love bullying sure and you love the cyber asl asl baby get our bully on yeah jordan can you and so asw age sex wedgie jordan can can you and brian and a few of my other closest friends get 500 together so i can do some cyberbullying. You've had a rough year. We'll make you a little gift certificate. Yeah. Oh, man. You know who does do gift certificates? Jimmy Johns.

Well, why don't you take Karen? I'll take Karen, all right. God knows she's not coming back with me. That's true. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer he's the voice that you hear

piercing the fourth wall of podcasting because our booth is not that soundproof and he laughs too loud but we're grateful we're on Twitter at Jesse Thorne at Jordan underscore Morris David you're at the G is silent?

Yes, sir. David's name is spelled G-B-O-R-I-E. So the G there being a silent G. So instead of having people spell Bori, you made a reference to how Bori is spelled. It's actually a nod to the ancient Nordic sea creature, the Giseland. Oh, dope. But a lot of people, yeah. But also my name has a silent G.

Happy accident, I say. J.B. Smoove has a great bit about that. Is that something we talked about off air? I think it is. Cool. Sure. I like that. I like that, though, as being a running thing.

We could just say something and go, oh we talked about that off so we can go like you know hey guys uh you know uh a lot of people say the hydra had eight heads we sorry we talked about that wait are they all mythology related yeah they all are oh guys mythology things are things are getting dionysian sure oh sorry that was some something we were talking about off air. Maximumfun.reddit.com if you want to talk about the show on Red It. You can also like Jordan Jesse, go on Facebook and join the Max Fun group on Facebook

where there's always a ton of fun discussion. Tons of fun. A lot of dank memes. So fun. Jordan, did you see that a listener created fursonas for you and myself? I did see that. A lot of fun. And the did you see that a listener created fursonas for you and myself? I did. And the Flophouse guys, too. And the McElroys.

Wonderful fursonas. I have never had a fursona before. Is that like a fresca? No, it's... It's more like a squirt. It's not a diet drink. Oh, yeah, sure. The cactus cooler.

I love it. I love those fancy frescas at my house. Fresca fool. It's a furry persona. Oh. Or an animal persona. Okay. Are you a fox?

I'm a furby. Oh. That's my animal. That's a lesser way to go. you a fox? I'm a Furby. Oh. That's my animal. That's a way to go. I'm actually some kind of, I said it was an eagle and the person was crossed with me because I had gotten it wrong. So I'm not an eagle. I'm a different type of bird.

And Jordan, you're some kind of cute dog. I'm a cute dog. Okay. Which, you know, fair enough. What animal are you, Bori? In my heart or my head? In your heart, dude. I'm a cute dog. Okay. Which, you know, fair enough. What animal are you, Bori? In my heart or my head? In your heart, dude. In your heart of hearts.

If you're gonna get out there with the other Furbies, you gotta be able to know what creature you are. I'm a camel, but like from the camel ads. Oh, dope. Oh, a Joe camel. Smoking cigarettes, hanging out. Pool playing. Yeah. Jazz. Human, don't. Oh, a Joe camel. Smoking cigarettes, hanging out. A real cool pool playing.

Yeah. Jazz. Yeah. Human fucking. Yeah. Playing pool, fucking humans. Yeah, wearing purple suits. Dude, you can fuck

one of those camels, but you gotta save up 500 camel bucks. Mm, sure. Worth every buck. Or get your closest friends to do it for you. Mm-hmm.

That's actually why I brought you guys here today. It's not a dom, it's a drom. Short for dromedary. Okay, we'll talk to you guys next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.