Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 553: Uncandy Valley with Janet Varney

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

Actor, writer, and podcaster Janet Varney joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the unusual middle ground that Werther's Original hard candy occupies, Jordan's true fear around visiting the Warner Brother's Halloween haunt this year, the opulent mcmansion Janet visited to consult a psychic medium, and the bodily fluid challenge Jordan faced on his recent whirlwind podcast promotional tour. Plus, Janet has a new show called Fortune Rookie on IFC! Action Item: Postal workers call in with your stories! 206-984-4FUN

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, you've got very relaxed body language tonight. Yeah. You look like you're feeling great. Someone told me that. Someone told me I had a fun Sunday vibe today.

I had lunch with a friend and they told me I had a fun Sunday vibe. That's nice. Yeah. Somebody told me I had a fun dip vibe. Oh, right. Maybe they said lick them sticks. That's just because you're covered in three different powders. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I'm glad I'm presenting that way. I'm actually a tumultuous storm of anxiety within. You're also presenting sexually, by the way. That's true. Like a baboon. I'm actually a tumultuous storm of anxiety within. You're also presenting sexually, by the way. That's true. Like a baboon. I'm presenting my red ass. Enjoy my smells, females.

Well, congratulations, Jordan. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. I feel great about this. I think, I don't know. I'm not an expert in this. I'm not an expert in this. I'm only an expert in gems. Right. Well, and minerals.

Oh, sorry, gem in the holograms. Okay. The various iterations of gem, the comics, the movie reboot, the cartoon. I'm only an expert in mask.

Oh, sure. M-A-S-K. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah, Transformers ripoff? Yeah. Is that what mask was? Okay. Sort of halfway between Transformers and mask. Oh, sure. M-A-S-K. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah, Transformers ripoff? Yeah. Is that what mask was? Okay. Sort of halfway between Transformers and G.I. Joe.

I think I might be having a Sunday fun day. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that so? Yeah. Can you give me some examples? Well, lunch with a friend. Yeah.

That was really nice. Did some catching up. Right. How you doing? Seen a friend. Yeah. That was really nice. Did some catching up. Right. How you doing? Seen a star is born. You know, lunch with a friend. The basics.

The basics. And, yeah, and then made a little progress on that Spider-Man game and here I am. I don't know. I'm not saying

that this isn't a fun day. Okay. It sounds like, it absolutely sounds like a fun day. Every day I find myself wishing that I had the right kind of video game machine to buy that Spider-Man game. Yeah. Every day while I'm playing Hitman, which is all right. I enjoy that. It's kind of like a puzzle game where you got to figure out how to-

Sneak around. Sneak around, figure out how to- Steal a guy's outfit. That's pretty fun. Garrot wire. Yeah, exactly. I like that. Ain't no garrot in Spider-Man. Yeah, but what I really want to do is

swing around on Manhattan's skyscrapers. It's a lot of fun. Like in the movies Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2. Sure. A lot of that. However, Jordan, while it sounds like a fun day, I do not think it meets the standard for Sunday fun day I think that you need to have an outing of some kind

I went to lunch no that doesn't count as an outing the lunch has to be followed by an outing oh sure like if you had said to me for example I went to lunch and then my friend and I met up to check out the soapbox derby race.

Okay. Or I went to lunch. Then the two of us went to Shakespeare in the Park. I think you're confusing Sunday fun days and Boy Scouts. Okay. But maybe Boy Scouting is the original fun day. Maybe. Well, what about this?

I met up with a friend for lunch, and we spent the rest of the day helping old ladies cross the street. Yeah, again, I think that's Boy Scout. But, you know, that can be fun because the elderly have wisdom and hard candies, both of which I find fun. Sure. Nothing more fun than a Werther's original. Oh, yeah. Long-lasting flavor. That's why they went back to original Werther's from Werther's 2,

which no one liked. Right, yeah, too extreme. The new Werther's. Yeah. It's at your grandma's, Werther's. It's very sour. Sour butterscotch is not what I want. Nah. You want it sweet.

Sweet like grandma. Sweet like grandma's kisses. Got bought by those Atomic Warheads people. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. They went overboard. Our guest on this week's program, a friend of Jordan, Jesse go, uh,

the celebrated podcaster behind the JV club star of television. Now with her own television and web series for IFC, the independent independent film channel, our friend, Janet Varney. Hey guys. Hey, guys. Hi, Janet. Hi, Janet.

God, so many thoughts just in that very brief time. Did you have a fun day? I would not say I had a Sunday fun day. I did not leave the house until I came to here. But, I mean. Sunday fun night? Sun night fun night? Yeah, sure.

Do you have the new Spider-Man game? I don't. I don't have. In fact, I have. You have-Man game? I don't. I don't have. In fact, I have. You have no games. I have no games. I have an Xbox. I think I bought the Xbox because it gave me access to cable channels or some sort of,

like, I was, this actually came up today because I was staring at it because I had a conversation recently with a gentleman who had a Sleep No More poster in his studio where I was recording a thing. A conversation or this gentleman talked at you? It was a conversation. In fact, he didn't even speak. He was just a producer. Oh, okay. But he had it. And so we had a quick conversation about Sleep No More, and then that led to me saying, I'm still chasing the first experience I had going there, and I realized I cannot ever do it.

This is an experiential theater. Sure. That's right. One, two, three, jinx. Oh, shit. You owe me a PlayStation. Psyche, you didn't say which PlayStation. You're getting a two. Damn. We're't say which playstation you're getting a two

damn yeah you're getting a two bring on the polygons yeah have fun playing battle arena toshinden three only on playstation 2 this actually does come back around to the xbox i promise oh no sure okay so you're talking about Sleep No More, the experimental, experiential theater. And I said, and I hate the idea of immersive theater anyway. So I, sight unseen, hate every other thing that's not Sleep No More. And I'm unwilling to go to any of them because I feel, and I've only heard that they're inferior. Can I tell you why I have never gone to see Sleep No More? Please. It's because the name of it sounds like a podcast that some people

are really into, but that is not for me. I understand. I totally understand. It sort of makes me nervous just hearing the name of it because I'm worried that someone...

If you listen to it, they'll ask you what you think and you'll have to kind of dance around it and if they think you don't like it, their feelings will be hurt. Or that if you go

into a bathroom and say Sleep No More three times, you will never sleep again. That's another problem. Sure. I understand all these things. Yeah, I hear you, man.

I've got Candyman issues. I don't think I ever would have gone had someone else, you know, said we're going. I got tickets. They're expensive and it's happening. And then it was admittedly an extraordinary experience, which I'm a little sheepish about. So I guess I've had it described to me. I have not been either. I'm curious.

I would like to go. But it's kind of a gothic thing where they walk you through a weird kind of trippy version of Macbeth. I'm going to stop you and say much of that is probably true. Okay. Jordan, you probably true. Okay. Jordan, you walk yourself. Whoa. Nobody walks you through. Jordan, by the way, can I just say we're in a recording studio.

Please don't say the name of the play that you just said. I'm sorry. In a recording studio, you're supposed to say McDuck. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. That's true. Sleep no more. Sleep no more.

Sleep no more. Why did I do that? Why did I do that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Help. Yeah. That's true. Sleep no more. Sleep no more. Sleep no more. Why did I do that? Why did I do that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Help. Help.

Help. Help. Help. Save us, Beetlejuice. Yeah. There's nothing about it that I just don't want to have enjoyed it so much because, again, on paper, like everything I've've heard about everything to me sounds like that's something that feels to me like i'm going to be embarrassed for the performers

yeah like that's a thing you know what i mean it's the same feeling as when i met a for example this is also happens rarely but if i was to say at a magic show or another place where i'm there as a spectator i have not signed up to be a part of it and someone is like, you, young lady, why don't you – I am the anti-performer, right? Do you have that – it's not like I'm constantly waiting to perform just because I like performing sometimes. You want to do it on your terms. I want it on my terms. Yeah. I don't want to go – I don't want to be at a magic show because you know what's going to happen?

A guy who's really good at something that I don't understand or care for is going to embarrass me in some way. That's right. By demonstrating that he can trick me in front of everyone. That's right. I have a very regional concern in this zone. And then I have tickets to go to a Halloween haunt later this. The haunt like the Halloween.

Oh, no. Halloween haunt. Yeah. Later this, later this, like the Halloween. Uh, Oh no, this is a, so, uh, Warner brothers is doing their own version of the, the like Halloween scare them ups. Uh, got me some ticks.

Yeah. Um, I immediately thought that a Halloween haunt was like a seasonal line dance. Oh yeah. Like a cake walk. Sure. Yeah. That sounds like it's maybe more my speed.

It's less of a walk and more of a kind of a mash. But we used to do it back in Boy Scouts. Right. Yeah. And, you know, when I and I like these things, I this is a fun. You've gone like to. Yeah. Like the universal the universal one.

My not scary farm experience with only a bunch is just a bunch of people with false teeth running up to you quickly. Yeah, not as low budge. I mean, now that they don't have Elvira anymore, I don't know that there's... Anyway, but some of them go all out. Some of them have cool movie caliber ghouls and

spooks. Once again, by the way, Jordan, you're describing a podcast that other people are really into. Ghouls and spooks. Corn maze. Once again, by the way, Jordan, you're describing a podcast that other people are really into. Ghouls and spooks. Yeah. Yeah, sure. And a really hard Genesis game that I could never beat. Wow, Jordan, that's a flashback, which is a hard Genesis game that I could never beat.

All right, Janet, say your favorite Genesis game that was hard to beat. Phil Collins. Right. Is that the game for you? That was. Great. That was. You did a great job.

Great. Thank you. So, yeah. So, you know, you go to these things and, you know, the pool of ghouls, the ghoul pool, is probably, you know, L.A.'s working actors. Yeah. So I am afraid I'm going to go, ah, ah, shit, I had an improv class with that guy. Oh, fuck.

And now we got to. That's a good regional concern. Oh, hey, what are you up to? Oh, you know. Oh, yeah. You know, just getting it out there. You got to get out there. Yeah.

Rah. You know, so. Yeah. Anyway. But you said you like them, but you've been to them before in this region. So but and then that fear is not based on it. It has not happened yet. But you feel like the pool—

Oh, no. I have a lot of—I love a lot of unfounded fears. They're my favorite kind. But also every one you go to makes it seem more like it's inevitable. If it didn't happen at that ghoul pool, it's going to happen when you jump in the next ghoul pool. What if it was an all-swimming pool-based marathon? I would love that. You have to just go in and you're just swimming in a pool.

Would you have to be concerned about creatures from the deep? I don't know. Yeah. That would be my concern. I'm not trying to scare you guys, but if I were in a swimming pool and it was a creepy swimming pool, I'd be concerned about creatures from the deep. No, I would too. I'm thinking about swimming pool based scenes in horror movies.

Like Poltergeist? Like, oh yeah. That's where I go first. Shit, I was thinking you got to be concerned about an It Follows or a faculty. Yeah. I like that you put the emphasis on It Follows. Oh, it's an It Follows. I've never heard it out loud.

I'll be Reddit. So where I'm going with all this is he said, I said there's no real life experience. What's the pool scene in Poltergeist? Hold on. Somebody slides into a pool. We cannot finish this story. I'm sorry. I apologize for trying to finish it.

That was a mistake. Okay. We'll talk about Poltergeist later. Is it maybe Poltergeist 2? Anyway. No, no. It's definitely the first one. I can't remember what character.

It slides and it's all still being built. Yeah. They moved the headstones, but they didn't move the bodies. Yeah. In that case, the creatures of the deep are the dead people who were buried in the burial ground. It's a cemetery. Thank you. I know what you're talking about now.

Thank you. And then I think it's an Indian burial ground, the second one. Yeah. So you're talking to a fella about the sleep no more. So he says to me, he says, I have not found that feeling in real life, but I do have that feeling when I play Bioshock. Oh. that feeling when I play Bioshock. And I said, I don't play any video

games at all, but I do have an Xbox, which I think I got for some reason that had nothing to do with video games. Might be the only person in the world who bought an Xbox. People use them for media center. I can get Netflix on here. I've gone years without playing a video

game on my Xbox. I was really mad. I'm talking about complaining on Twitter like really mad when PBS stopped supporting its Xbox app. I was like, whoa! How am I supposed to fucking watch the road show

now? There's no... There's no... I was so mad. That's good. You're one of us. I was like, I don't have cable and there's no broadcast was so mad you're like me that's good you're one of us they wouldn't listen I was like I don't have cable

and there's no broadcast PBS in Los Angeles sure and there's so much and there's definitely so many I mean there's such a huge portion of guys who want to switch between

Call of Duty and Frontline yeah exactly you want to get the story behind the story of course yeah would you say we're as mad

as Yosemite Sam at the Warner Brothers Halloween Haunt are you going to be Warner Brothers characters God Iemite Sam at the Warner Brothers Halloween haunt? Are you going to be Warner Brothers characters? God, I hope they're all the Looney Tunes. Ah, Taz! I mean, he is a devil.

That's what I want. Yeah, sure. When are you going? I need a full report afterwards. I'm going the 25th. Yeah. Okay. That's nice. That's right in that window.

Oh, yeah. You're not going to have to deal with the rush right in the days preceding Halloween, but you're right in that window where you feel like you're kicking off the Halloween season. Yeah, there's maybe an autumn nip in the air. You wish. Oh, God, I can't wait for that nip. Oh, I can't love that nip. Give me that nip.

Nips, similar and possibly still made by Werther's. Yeah. I do like sour nips. I mean, that is a weird, at what point? Sour nips. What a fucking gross phrase, sour nips. When was the time that ever nips was a good idea for a piece of candy? To me, that feels like, you can't,

you can look at certain named things and go like, no, I get it. Like, there was a point at which that might have been appealing. But that, I don't know that nip ever should have felt like a toffee to anyone. But I think the folks at Werther's are really, they're in a kind of

candy, uncanny valley. Where it is both recognizably – You can say uncanny valley. Let's save everybody time. It's both recognizably candy and in many ways delicious. I don't know if you guys have had a Werther's Original any time. But at the same time, there is something wrong about it. It's too creamy to be that hard.

You know what? Also, there's that little circle at the top that I feel like maybe it collects saliva. I mean, it's your saliva. Oh, I like the texture. It feels nice on the tongue. Yeah. Gives your tongue something to do.

You like that groove. I like the notch. Okay. My other concern, honestly, is while I like the flavor butterscotch, after a minute or so of sucking on it, there's too much of it left. You're right. And I don't want to chew hard butterscotch the way that I might with like the outside of a Tootsie Pop or something. I'd be glad to chew on that.

They figured out the timing on that where you start to want to chew on it and you're done with it right as it gets to prime chewing quality. Yeah. I would not buy a bag of Werther's at the store and I don't have any living grandparents to hand them to me and tussle my hair. I'm sorry for your loss. That's okay. I think they were bad actually. It's good they're dead. So my best case scenario

for a Werther's, it is like ultimate bank candy. There's a little dish of candy at the bank. I'll sift through there and try and get the Werther's. Now, Jordan, I don't— What are you sifting past?

You know, a peppermint, a Brox gummy sphere. Or the orange slice. Yeah, that's the thing I'm thinking of. They're certainly dramatically better than those Brox yellow butterscotch candies. I bet people would argue. Those golden sun-colored butterscotch candies. I bet people would argue. Those golden sun-colored butterscotch candies. A Werther's is better. I don't mind those Brock's, though.

The Werther's is definitely butterier. Yes. Can I suggest something, though? Because certainly, while I will gladly eat a Starlight Mint if it's in a bowl in front of me, I'm not going to— Which one's the Starlight Mint? Is that the one that turns into a chalky powder? No, that's the red and white kind. Oh, that's

called the starlight mint? Yes. So, I'm glad to eat that, and I don't want anyone to think that I think I'm above it. I won't enjoy it very much, though. You're doing it begrudgingly. I'm doing it compulsively, baby.

Like, if you put candy in front of me, I'll just eat it. But I am a big fan of the pillow mint. Is this the chalky thing? Yeah. Well, it's kind of soft and kind of disappears in your mouth. Yeah. It's like a melt away.

Might be called a melt away. Yeah, it melts away. Yeah. That would be my – if we're not talking about candies that are good. Sure, yeah. Yeah, just a like they're there. Yeah. There's a bowl of something. Like earlier today I was at the flea market and somebody had a bowl of Dum Dums and I ate a Dum Dum.

Now, are Dum Dums good? No, not really. That's the tiny – that's the like, why is this on a stick? Yes. There's not enough of this to be on a stick. You know what? I like the size of a dum-dum. Yeah.

I got it. But do you feel that the stick is important? Yeah. You could just toss it in. You know what? That stick's just getting in the way pretty fast. Post-dum-dum, I'll chew on that stick a little bit. Oh, I see.

I'll chew on that stick a little bit. I don't know why. Is that gross? Oh, yeah. Jordan's got to keep busy. I got to keep busy. I got to keep busy. I can't believe I haven't had you guys on my podcast for what it's worthers. Okay.

Got to come over. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, support our program with a little bit of dough every month. God bless each and every one of them. And Tiny Tim while we're at it. Sure, yeah. Old Marley. Yeah. A fine fat goose.

Everybody. The whole gang from that thing. Hey. Charlie Dicks. Sure. Chuckie Dicks. Hey, you know what's not smart? The way hiring used to be.

Oh, I hate it. You know, I know what you hate. You hate job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. Yeah, that's me after I've seen the wrong resume. It's just a bunch of retail jobs. I'm not hiring for a retail position. Hey, there's a smarter way to hire at ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Is there really? Yes.

If you go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo, you can use their powerful matching technology to find the right people for you. And here's what it's going to do. It's going to actively invite them to apply. You know, Jordan, with matching technology like that, it's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the U.S. This rating comes from hiring sites on Trustpilot with over 1,000 reviews. Right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGO. Try it for free, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGO. We've also got something up on the Jumbotron where our fans and listeners can share their messages. Do you enjoy books, movies, and television?

Do cliches bug you? Do you like to laugh? If you answered yes to any of these questions, we've got a podcast for you. Join John and Alicia every Monday on What the Trope. They'll take you on a wild ride of trends, motifs, and stories the likes of which you've probably seen before. Find us on iTunes, SoundCloud, Spotify, or on Podbean. Check out our website at whatthetrope.wordpress.com. What the T-R-O-P-E dot wordpress dot com.

We'll be expecting you. Search for What the Trope in iTunes and give them a shot. We always love every listener who wants to share a message on the Jumbotron at MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And, of course, all the kind sponsors who sponsor this nonsense because they haven't heard it before. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janet Varney, for what it's worth. Janet Varney, your new show is called Fortune Rookie, which is like a fun pun. Oh, yeah. I like a pun. You play a fortune teller who's maybe not the strongest fortune teller. That's also true. So my question to you is,

have you ever been to a fortune teller or a psychic or a soothsayer? Or the Oracle at Delphi? Oh, I went straight to the top. I was going to settle for nothing less than the Oracle at Delphi. I have, I have been to a psychic. Less than the Oracle of Delphi.

I have been to a psychic. I went hoping to have the experience that a friend of mine had, which was, you know, I feel like through my life I've had like slight anecdotal kind of people being like, oh, yeah, I went to a psychic once. Yeah, wasn't that great? Or, oh, yeah, I saw – there's a lady that I go and see from time to time. She has – you know, she kind of has a really neat sense about – but it was – I never had the – what I didn't realize I needed, which was the sort of hard sell, like, evangelistic – like, evangelical sort of like, dude, this guy. Everything came true. Like, just was able to tick off six things. He drew the floor plan of my house. I mean it really was that extreme.

Yeah. I've never had that but I've had it described to me. My old boss got that once from Maya Angelou. From Maya Angelou? Yeah. She intuited his life? Maya Angelou called psychic hotlines. And my old boss was friends with Maya Angelou.

And one time Maya Angelou really gave her the business about how psychics are real. And her proof was that one of the psychics figured out she was Maya Angelou. And my boss told her, do you think it's possible you have a distinctive voice, Maya? It happened to me too, Gilbert Godfrey. And me, Christopher Walken. Well... No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

That was good. Don't say it was bad because it was good. It was very good. Very good. Are you still doing it? No. Oh, I stopped. I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay. Yeah, so I went to this guy and I didn't know. It's me, Meryl Streep. Wait. So you got a hard pitch from a friend? Yeah. Was it for a particular psychic? And then was that the dingo that ate the baby?

No. The cat. Oh, I get it, but I just felt like I've learned about your impressions that I have to take a hard right turn. Right. You got to just kind of take a little bit of a leap of faith. Yeah. It's like Dana Carvey. It's not an impersonation.

It's an impression. You know, it's comedy. Listen, that guy. How? I mean, I'm not saying anything new, but we all are like so many of the 80s impressions. I think I think I remember how people sounded and I don't. I remember Dana Carvey. Just making one weird noise over and over that somehow encapsulates the spirit of a

person. That's remarkable stuff. But yeah, the psychic was not the Dana Carvey of psychics. And so I didn't have – but he did sort of edge around to something. Now, when you visited this psychic, was this, you know, I mean, definitely like, you know, an unescapable thing in L.A. is the, like, storefront psychic. It's next to a yogurt place. It was not that at all.

Okay. This gentleman lived right off Mulholland Drive in a very large pseudo-McMansion kind of thing. I guess you can't be a pseudo-McMansion kind of thing. I guess you can't be a pseudo-McMansion. You're a McMansioner, you're not. Yeah. It was a McMansion. This guy was living a McMansion lifestyle on psychic money?

Yes. I guess you can, you know, predict who's going to win the World Series and stuff and bet on it. Find dead bodies that have rewards. Oh, yeah. If you had told me that he was heir to like an oil fortune, like a Middle Eastern oil fortune. I say that because the style of the house once you got beyond the McMansion outside. Was distasteful?

It was resplendent. Trump-esque. It did reek of incense. There was a small white dog. That has nothing to do with anything. But somehow the dog fit in very nicely. Also, if like Joan Collins had walked in and said, I also live here, I would have been like, now that makes sense. I'm here too, Christopher Walken.

Wait. I was doing it. Okay. I was doing it. And it was very good. It was good. It was doing it. Okay. I was doing it and it was very good. It was good. It was very good. That voice was, I'm walking here.

I'm walking. Which actually makes sense. That's his Christopher Walken's podcast. Yeah, he's walking. You're walking here. You have to pretend to like when. Yeah, yeah. I liked the voice.

I loved the soft shoe. Thank you. He's a song and dance man. You actually, that's your claim to your Christopher Walken impression fame is you insist on dancing every time you do the impression. Right. Just like he does with his movies. I do a really killer Jerry Orbach impression, but it's just a dance solo from the Fantastics.

I buy it. Yeah. I still buy it. R.I.P. Yeah. But they still do the Fantastics though. But Brandon Byrd's Jerry Orbach car will live on forever. It's true.

It will. It just got new wheels. Wait, who's a Jerry Orbach car? Our friend from college, Brandon Bird, has a lowrider with, like, candy paint that is airbrushed out with pictures of Jerry Orbach. Wow. He said our friend Brandon is a painter. He made the pictures himself and then had an airbrush artist

transfer them onto the car. And it's his regular car. He bought it, he made a Kickstarter to build it. And then, like, three months later,

he accidentally totaled his actual car and was like, instead of buying a new car, I'm just going to drive my Jerry Orbach car around. It's a sign. If you're out there,

do yourself a solid Google Orbach car and just enjoy. Maybe we'll put – I'll put up a thing about the Orbach car on our Facebook page. I mean I feel kind of like – I guess I'm giving into it. But like is there a reason that it's Orbach? He really loves Jerry Orbach and thinks Jerry Orbach is really great. It's sincere. Yeah.

I mean I think he knows it's silly to have a car dedicated to Jerry Orbach, but he genuinely, he really loves Jerry Orbach. Let me ask you this. This is way tangent. How much do you think my The New Sincerity Two Kittens Hugging Pin is worth now? My vintage The New Sincerity Pin. I mean, you got to be able to get 25 cents for that. I'm not giving it up.

Don't get me wrong. A solid quarter. Don't get me wrong. It's not going anywhere. It's staying right where it's staying. Shout out to my friend Dan Grayson from college. He was kind enough to put that together in Photoshop. Big old Dan.

Anyway, so you went to a McMansion. Yeah, I did. And it was weird. I mean, it was like a real marble bathroom, like maybe like a sparkly black marble bathroom. It just was very surreal. You're sort of describing, I went to Larry King's house once. That's about what it was like. No incense.

Yeah. But more bragging about taking human growth hormone. I guess he sort of trades one for the other. Yeah. Larry King does. He did not – he didn't get very – I don't feel that he successfully foretold anything or intuited much. foretold anything or intuited much, but he did kind of eventually angle

around to getting me to admit to myself something I already knew, which was that I should so L.A. that I probably needed to exit a professional relationship that I was in, and I don't mean that I was

having sex for money, but it was like you, this person represented me on some, in a capacity. One of the problems was that you weren't getting paid. And I wasn't getting paid. No, it was just like, oh, this is a, this, this person, I shouldn't work with this person anymore. And, and so there was, so I, I sort of hyper-analyzed the process of like, oh, okay, I get it. So eventually maybe you'll just – this is just an opportunity for you to give yourself permission to do something you probably would have done anyway. But maybe it's expedited or maybe you attach some sort of amazing like

mystical reason for it. But then I just became mostly interested in how to be a fake psychic and how – what people do and what the – how you rip people off. We have – I will say Mary Roach's book about ghosts and stuff, about that – Spook. Was a great read because I – because of all the sort of medium stuff. What Mary Roach book is not a great read? What Mary Roach experience?

All great reads. She's one of the great Americans. Oh, my god. The pleasure of just imagining her living her life gives me joy. That's a Sunday Funday for me. Sure, yeah. My Sunday Funday is imagining Mary Roach having a Sunday Funday. Yeah.

My friend used to share an office with her and he said it was really fun. She's great. Yeah, because what I like to imagine her doing is she's like in the library and she's like doing really serious. This is popular science author Mary Roach, author of books including Stiff, Spook, Gulp. Is the third one real? The sex one? Yeah. That's right. Oh, that's right.

It's about – Adventures in the Elementary Canal. Yes. A great one. Loved it. By the way, last week on the program, I suggested that UC Davis was the only agricultural college with a cow with a hole in the side of it that you can put your arm into. Turns out every agricultural college has a cow with a hole in the side. It just happened to be that that was the one that Mary Roach

described in her book. So go Aggies. I like to imagine Mary Roach in a library and she's doing really serious research and taking really serious notes. And then like the camera pans sort of past her back and over her shoulder and down to the paper. And it's just a list of scientific studies with funny names. Yes. Yes. A thousand percent. I had the opportunity to take a Mary Roach type journey recently.

Oh. And, well, okay. From zero to hero? Well, this is a story. This is ultimately a tale of cowardice. Okay. I just want to lay it out there. Okay, good.

That doesn't sound like a Mary Roach. That's why it's Mary Roach-like and not Mary Roach's journey. Right. Because Mary Roach is a woman of great courage. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, Roach is a woman of great courage. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, this is a, I had the potential and I squandered it because of, say it with me,

cowardice. Right. Cowardice. Sorry. Can we, do you really want, say it with, because now we know what the word is. I'll say it up here. Okay. Janine, you want to go down there?

Jesse right in the middle. Okay. I'm home again to go down there? Jesse right in the middle. Okay. Ida Rose, I'm home again, Rose. Okay, that was good enough. Cowardice. Cowardice. Because of Ida Rose. Yeah, right.

76 Trump. Listen, it's the best of the best. Oh, man. In my opinion. There's trouble right here on Jordan, Jesse. Yeah. We're getting derailed. Yeah, and that starts with

T and that rhymes with P and that stands for podcast. Yep. Anyway, so, Janet, you know because you had me on your great podcast, the JV Club, that I was

doing a whirlwind podcast tour to promote Bubble. And so I was doing a whirlwind podcast tour to promote Bubble. And so I was just – any of my friends who had a podcast, which is most of my friends, have podcasts. I try not to socialize with people who don't have them. They're not as good. I have to say literally all of my friends have podcasts. Sure. You, Jordan, and you, Dan. Sure. And I have to say literally all of my friends have podcasts. Sure. You, Jordan, and you, Dan.

Sure. And I have to quickly say Bubble. Great name for the next Mary Roach book. Oh, yeah, sure. It's true. Yeah, she can describe what happens when you eat a Starburst and get some phlegm in your throat. What causes that? Yeah.

What's in a Starburst? So I was – so I – you know, I'm doing JV Club. I went on my buddy Becky Feldman's podcast, Too Stupid to Live. I read a whole romance novel. I read a whole goddamn romance. I went on this – the Oscars should have gone to, and I watched every Best Picture nominee from 2003. You know what you did? You did the work.

I did the work. You did the work. Yes. And you know what? It's all about the work. It is all about the work. Just focus on the work. You know what you did? You did the work. I did the work. You did the work. Yes. And you know what? It's all about the work. It is all about the work. Just focus on the work. Yes, thank you.

And I thank you for considering what I do work because it's hard and I am brave like a coal miner and a single mom. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm like them. I'm like them. So I just kind of had this i'll do it i you know yeah it's the best

it's the best possible promotion you can give a podcast is to go on another podcast yeah and i'm i'm i want to pound the pavement yeah i gotta i gotta pound that pavement yeah kiss some babies kiss the baby shake the hands talk about the third lord of the Rings movie that you kind of remember. Crown the Butter Queen. Yeah. You wanted to cut out one step and you agreed only to shake a baby's hand. Yeah, I will shake the adult's hand and you won't kiss the baby. You will shake the baby's hand sternly.

Yes, and I will kiss the adult. That's maybe where you went wrong. After asking, of course. So I approached our friends Ono, Ross and Carrie. And this is a podcast on our podcast network for your benefit, Janet, that investigates unlikely claims. So they've done everything from joining the Church of Scientology to being cupped. Also works. To Reiki. To joining

serious borderline death columns. Works, works, works. Yeah. I might have added extra works in there. I think when they joined the network, we guessed it on an episode where we tried herbal vapes. Jesse and I tried herbal vapes. What is the claim that that is supposed to do?

Calm you. I think they have different effects, different vapes for What is the claim that that is supposed to do? Calm you. I think they have different effects, different vapes for different effects. There were some calming ones. Stim vapes. Stim vapes. Horn vapes. If you want to be a little hornier. And I do.

You're already quite an H-dog already. Well, I can't be more of one. If I had the right vape. Christopher Walken. Wow. Thank you. I was doing it that time. Uncanny.

And it was very good. Uncanny. I didn't even know that other people besides me and Chris knew what his favorite vape was. Nope. Sorry. I know it, too. Okay. Because of that time we went to lunch together.

Sure. So, you know, and they have a big audience. They have a big, like, crazy audience. And, you know, and I'm sure that, like, I'm not calling their audience members crazy, but they're wild for the show. Yeah. They're wild for the show. They love Ross. They love Carrie.

Sure. Oh, no. Exclamation point. They love the whole gang. Sure. And so I'm like, hey, I'm doing the rounds. I'm game. And that's something that I consider about myself.

I consider myself to be game. Thank you for trusting us with that information. Yeah. I think of you as game. Thank you! I do think of you as game. That's how I want to be thought of as. I think of you as DFW.

Designer Shoe Warehouse. Down for whatever? Oh, down for whatever. Yeah. But also, I mean, if you need some cheap fans. Designer Foot Warehouse. Designer Foos Warehouse. Foos Warehouse.

Foos. Foots Balls. For foots. A lot of people are paying full price for foos. Foots Ball Machines. No, do not pay. Don't need to. Don't pay full for foots. Foos. Foos balls. For foots. A lot of people are paying full price for foos. Foos ball machines. No, do not pay. Don't need to. Don't pay full for foos.

No way. Don't pay full for foos. No way. Hello, I'm the foos king. Christopher Walken? Yep. Wow. You recognize it from the soft shit.

Yeah. So I'm like, hey, let me know because I want to do it. I'll join NXIVM. Yeah. You know? Sure. Also works. You'll get those special Nikes that get you on that comet.

Sure. Yeah. That's right. I'll join those guys. Who were they? Heaven's Gate. Yeah. Heaven's Gate.

Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, the degree of things I will do, I consider to be hardy. Yeah. A hardy degree. Yeah. So they're like, hey, are you busy this coming Sunday? And I said, we record Jordan, Jesse, go, but if you can squeeze me in before Jordan, Jesse, go, I'm game. What are you guys doing?

They're like, great. We'll send you over the directions. Turns out Ross and Carrie are drinking pee. And my original thought was I can do this. I can do this. My first thought was I don't care to drink pee.

Yeah, I mean, I'm like this has to be a filter. This has to be a filtered thing like Waterworld. You guys have seen Waterworld. Wait, do they have to filter the pee? That's like the opening scene of Waterworld. Kevin Costner peeing into a filter.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. But the movie gets really good after that. Yeah. Or really bad, depending on. You just got to get through the filter. You got to get through that filter. Yeah.

So I'm like, it'll be a filter. Or, you know, and what also kind of crossed my mind is that, you know how there's those like energy bars that have like crickets in them? Yeah. Like it's like hey oh it is a protein protein yeah you know they grind them up into a little dust they put them in there with cacao or whatever and you got yourself a you get yourself a nice bar right and i'm like that's got to be the thing with the p is it's got to be a smoothie or it's got to be

and you drink the smoothie and you're like oh oh, that's mango. And they're like, surprise, there's pee in there. So you're figuring it's just pee, a binding agent and cacao. Yeah. In smoothie form. That would be nice. Did you, my first thought was, is it my own? As if that would inform my decision. Like, I thought about that as if, well, one thing I have to take into account is, is it my pee?

As if I would then go, well, if it's mine, great. Or, oh, as long as it's someone else's. Would you prefer to drink the pee of yourself or of someone who has a notably clean lifestyle? Like, my first thought is Terry Crews. Yeah, sure. That guy's got clear pee. He's really healthy. Yeah.

You know, he exercises a lot. He's got a clear mind. He's focused. He's driven. Yeah. You know, he exercises a lot. He's got a clear mind. He's focused. He's driven. Yeah. He's going to give you the good stuff. I'm going to say I probably would drink my own pee. Or what about a diabetic whose urine is sweet?

Ooh, I didn't know that about diabetics. Yeah. Who's saying that? I learned that from the Sawbones book. Thank you very much. Oh, the Sawboins. The Sawboins? Yeah, the Sawboins book. That's the Sawboins book. bones book thank you very much the saw boys the saw boys yeah the saw boys book i'm gonna try to

play that off as a non-existent accent wait a minute uh christopher walken but i'm hearing christopher walken and janet planned this out we have a christopher walken ventriloquist act it's funny you know it is not popular a lot of people don't realize that what's in my impression is pee. Surprise. Surprise, it was pee. After all that. So you thought it would be in some kind of adulterated form. You didn't know that Gandhi drank his urine each day. I did not know that.

Yeah, that's true. So I'm like, okay. I might drink Mary Roach's pee. Don't tell her. I think she's so great. She probably takes care of herself. She's really cool. Or maybe Susan Orlean.

Oh, sure. Just like somebody who's great at creative non really cool. Or maybe Susan Orlean. Oh, sure. Just like somebody who's great at creative nonfiction. Yeah, but Susan Orlean's pee is going to be like a little bitter. Yeah. Not that I have a problem with that in literature. Please continue. So they sent me the directions to the pee drinking. Yeah.

Now, were you saying directions to how to do it or to where you're going to do it? To how to do it. I see. I thought you were going to go to some unnamed location. I know. Yeah. Turn right at. Turn off the paved road.

Oh, that's not good. That's what I was picturing. Sure. Park by the dumpsters. I got the directions to pee drinking, but I still can't get in unless I'm with like four beautiful women. Yeah. That's how it goes. That velvet robe. Those bouncers. women. That's how it goes.

That velvet robe. Yeah, that's Hollywood for you. So the pee drinking directions were, it was a three-step process. And I think the idea is that there is some people out there who think that you can cure... People? Yes, yeah, pee people.

Pee people. Who think, you know, if. Yes, yeah, pee people. Pee people. Who think, you know, if you drink the pee, you can cure diseases. If you put it on a cut or a wound, it'll help disinfect, which I maybe think that's actually true because they tell you to pee

on those jellyfish stings. Yeah. Anyway. I thought maybe they had stopped saying that. Maybe I'm... No, I don't know. But that's just because of all the money that the jellyfish

spent lobbying. Oh my God. Those lobbyists. So it's a three-step thing where you... Can I guess what the first step is? Yes.

Is the first step pee? That is. Yes! You got it. You've done this before. This is great. So the first step is to... It's a three-day thing

where you pee on your hand in the morning, which is already gross. A lot of baseball players do that. Oh, yeah? For what? A lot of especially Latin American baseball players pee on their own hands. And it's supposed to make your hands less susceptible to blisters, I think is what it's supposed to do. Glad it wouldn't help me because of all the slot cars that I race.

Do you have any other hobbies from 1974 you'd like to talk about? No. Oh, ham radio. So day one, you're peeing on your hand. Day two, you're peeing on your hand and you're taking a little taste. Oh, okay. So the peeing on the hand

is not, in this case, is not like it's great for your hand. Oh, you smell it. I'm sorry. You pee on the hand and you smell. Oh, well, that's important. You take a little smell. That's important.

I'm sorry. I left out something. The second day is when you take a nip? So the second day you take a little taste. Uh-huh. Not a... A little nip? And then day three...

You lick your hand. You lick your hand. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. You pee on your hand. Then you lick it. Smell it. Next day, pee on your hand. Then you lick it. Smell it. Next day, pee on your hand.

Pee on your hand and lick it. Next day. Day three. Two gallons. You drink pee. You drink pee. You just drink pee. Yeah, but by day three, you're seasoned.

Yeah. I mean, you've peed on your hand. Sure. You've licked the pee on your hand. What else do you need? You got your mug. You got your New York Times crossword. You're having a hot, hot cup of pee.

What else do you need, my friend? What else do you need to get there? Well, apparently, I needed a lot because I looked at this and I just thought about my life. Right. Where it was going. Your beautiful cat bug. My beautiful cat bug. Beautiful Xbox. PlayStation 4. PlayStation 4, sorry. Play Spider-Man. Got it. It's Your beautiful cat bug. My beautiful cat bug. Beautiful Xbox.

PlayStation 4. PlayStation 4, sorry. That's how I can play Spider-Man. Got it. It's a PS4 exclusive. Okay. Like I don't know that, George. Like I haven't been hitting it against my Xbox in the last 30 years.

Turn it on. I want to swing in Manhattan. It's really fun. That's like what a Dracula says when he gets to do Spider-Man games. By the way, should I play Bioshock? I mean, what's so great about Bioshock?

I got a Bioshock one time that Kumail Nanjiani told me to get. Uh-huh. That was the end of my friendship with Kumail Nanjiani. I found it very weird

and boring and annoying. Okay. What about the Bioshock of drinking your own pee? Back to you, kid. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. So, I, you know, and I'm like, I thought about, like, my sense memory.

Like, I'm just always going to have this in my head. It's going to be bad. You turned this into, like, now I picture, like, weird indie movie montage with, like, iron and wine playing as you contemplate this glass of urine. I actually called my friend Zach Braff and asked him to put together the soundtrack to me considering drinking my own pee. There's a lot of good stuff on there. You thought about your life. You thought about your sense memory. Jordan is really close friends with Zach Braff because they worked together on his hit show, Alex Inc. Jordan actually created the line, everybody thought radio was boring until

you did it. Wow. Jesse, you don't need to be mad at Alex Inc. anymore. You won. I still need to be mad at Alex Inc. You won. It got canceled. Nobody thought radio was cool until you did it. Let it go. Everybody's doing fine.

That nice lady's doing great work on The Good Place. Sure. Everybody from Alex Inc. That nice lady's doing great work on The Good Place. Sure. Everybody from Alex Inc. has landed on their feet. Zach Braff is music directing my pee thoughts. Yeah, step up. And so I texted and I said,

you know, I thought Daddy might be a nasty piss freak who wanted to glug glug that hot yellow, but he is not. I am not a nasty piss freak who wants to glug glug that hot yellow. Did you do that where you went from the third person into talking about yourself in the first person in that same text? Yes, I did. I flipped because I wanted it to be confusing.

Good. Maybe if they wouldn't be mad at me for bailing because I was confusing them. So, yeah, I had. I flipped because I wanted it to be confusing. Good. Because then that's like, maybe if they wouldn't be mad at me for bailing. Yeah. Because I was confusing them. Yeah. So, yeah, I had to say no, and I've been kind of kicking myself a little bit. Yeah, I mean that. Because maybe I thought I was made of heartier stuff. You'll never know until you taste it.

Yeah. What stuff you're made of. I mean. In pea form. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'm. Jordan, I knew that Carrie was tougher than you. Sure. There's no doubt about that. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'm... Jordan, I knew that Carrie was tougher than you. Sure. There's no doubt about that.

Yeah. Ross? I know. He's a librarian at Disney. Yeah. I will... They're just nastier piss freaks than I am.

They're nasty... They love to glug, glug that hot yellow. The good folks at Disney Animation? Yes, I'm talking about that. But does that mean that you ended up doing that episode but saying you lost out? No, I just didn't do it. I left them – I think the episode includes a voice memo that I left for them telling them that I was sorry for being such a coward.

So I think I do appear on the episode in voice memo form. But no, I didn't get to be on the episode. I didn't get to promote Bubble for thousands and thousands of listeners. All those sweet pea bennies. Sweet pea bennies. Let me ask you this. It's my favorite brunch item, by the way. But like a traditional bennie.

Crab cake bennie. Sure. Some people love that. Any blister problems? No, actually, but my blisters have been pretty fine. So who's laughing last here? Yeah. Jordan wins again.

That's right. Back to my slot cars. I'm going to have to listen to that episode to see if they feel that they're – but I guess that they're debunking stuff. Like if you're going into it MythBuster style going like we're going to show that this – they're not. That's not Ross and Carrie's move. They're like me with psychics. They're like show me I'm wrong. No, I want this to work that they're not. That's not Ross and Carrie's move. They're like me with psychics. They're like, show me I'm wrong. No, I want this to work.

Like, I'm excited. Yeah. Ross and Carrie are very open-minded and thoughtful, though they are rational. But I think because they both come from serious religious background, like they appreciate the value of faith in people's lives even if they are not necessarily personally faithful. Yeah. They found things that they liked.

I couldn't tell you an example right off the top of my head. About the pee? Yeah. About the pee. Well, I know Nexium works. Great texture. I know it does. Yes.

I mean we're living proof. I know it does. Living proof. I know it does. It's a very big deal in baseball along with what's called boning a bat. It's where you rub a bone on it. Oh. Whose bone? Oh, sure, sure.

A deer's bone. A deer's bone. Yeah. I feel like I've— That sounds like witchcraft. First you've got to get a deer, then you've got to get some deer porno. Oh, sure. Yeah, right?

I feel like minus the deer porno, maybe I saw that in Major League. Yeah, I think that racist character called Jumbo or whatever his name is. Opposed to that racist movie, Major League, which is probably inherently racist. You know what? It wasn't even about the most racist baseball team, I guess. I guess it was about a racist baseball team with a racist mascot. That's right. I guess it was about a racist baseball team with a racist mascot.

That's right. Somebody I know, and I'm going to say Elliot Kalin, but I might be mistaken, our friend from the Flophouse podcast, told me that they loved Major League as a kid, watched it as an adult. And while that character is pretty racist, they were overall pretty happy with Major League as an adult human being. Okay. So there you go. I can't speak to it. I've not watched it

since I was a child. I haven't either. Nor have I. What do you think about Necessary Roughness? I don't think I've ever seen it. The football Major League.

I don't think I've ever seen it. I definitely saw Necessary Roughness at the drive-in. Yeah. 100% saw it at the drive-in.

Was the roughness at the drive-in. Yeah. 100% saw it at the drive-in. Was the roughness necessary? No. Absolutely unnecessary. That's what they proved. They proved that it's not necessary. They demonstrated that. Yeah. I mean, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to, you know, Ross and Carrie, to the listeners, and to

the two of you. Max Fundrive 2019. Do I drink my pee? No. No, I'm not going to do it. I'm not. I need to draw a line. I'm going to drink your own B.

That's where we are with some of the stuff. No, I've heard about those extreme haunts. We find out your deepest fears. Yeah, like we're going to ask you if you're claustrophobic, you're getting in a box buster. And that you're paying to be that kind of psychologically damaged do you guys think do you guys think that when i go to warner brothers yeah they're gonna listen to this yes and then elmer fudd's gonna pee in my mouth is that the one you're most afraid of peeing in your mouth yeah yeah yeah okay it's so much asparagus a lot of asparagus isn't there that joke about how he's just hunting for sport and he's a vegetarian

so that probably tracks yeah it's probably in character oh yeah well you know is that the sound of you running out of steam? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, also, I don't really want the Mark Hamill Joker to pee in my mouth. Fucking Warner Brothers characters. If you were to pick one Joker. One Joker to pee in my mouth? Yeah. Whose Joker would it be?

Cesar Romero, right? Cesar Romero's good because you could see the mustache through the face paint. But you know what? I mean, this is just pure fanboy speculation at this point. Sure, sure. But I bet I'd let that Joaquin Phoenix Joker pee in my mouth. Interesting. I guarantee you

I'm gonna give him a chance. He's got the most rancid, dirtiest pee of all the Jokers. He's twisted. Don't do that to yourself, buddy. Yeah. Well, you know, I drink Jared Leto's pee. It can't be worse than that, right? Listen, you drink a little of Jackie N's.

Oh, yeah. No one calls him that. He's married to JFK. We got divorced from JFK. That's how he got those Lakers courtside tickets. JFK made a call. Oh, what a scandal. How wonderful. I made some courtside tickets. That's right. JFK made a call. Oh, what a scandal. How wonderful.

I made some courtside tickets. Christopher Walken in the house. Wow. My wife. Christopher Walken loves basketball. Jackie Ann. Yeah. From the movie,

One Flew Over the Cocoa's Nest. He's dancing. I think that's a tango. Yeah. Yeah, that's just going to be like just straight cocaine. From that era, that's still tango. Yeah. Yeah, that's just going to be like just straight cocaine. From that era, that's still at the tail end

of some cocaine use. So I might get a little buzz off the P. Yeah. A little P buzz. Yeah. This segment's probably grossing people out.

I'm sure you're right. In the 70s, you know, there was all kinds of, so many people were into cocaine paraphernalia. Mm-hmm. That was a big thing,

a little spoon on your necklace and stuff. Was that the 70s or the 80s? Both the 70s and the 80s. Oh, okay. And a lot of, like the late 70s, a lot of Hollywood stars would do their cocaine with asparagus, which was true. Hey, do you guys want to take a break? Yeah. And we'll take some calls.

And I don't know about you guys, but I will pledge not to talk about bodily functions for the rest of the show. Sounds great. You guys can do whatever you want to. I'm in. Uh-oh. I blew it. Sure. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I listen to reading glasses because Bria and Mallory have great tips. My suggestion for book festivals is just go for one day. I listen for the author interviews. I was a huge Goosebumps fan. Oh, yes. R.L. Stine was totally my jam. I don't even read.

I just like their chemistry together. Literally, if on the back it said, like, this book made me shit my pants, I'd be like, that's, I'm buying this book. Like, I think the problem with blurbs a lot of times. I like that we both want to crap ourselves over books. I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara. We're Reading Glasses, and we solve all your bookish problems every Thursday on Maximum Fun. podcast it's a fictional industry podcast for the beef and dairy industries it won best comedy at the 2017 british podcast awards and it features wonderful guests such as greg davis to my

knowledge it's the only cow circus that's ever existed in this country in rural russia every small town has a cow circus josie long you should have a beef have a beef with them i have a beef with you i will have a beef with you come around my house and i'll have a beef. Have a beef with them. I have a beef with you. I will have a beef with you. Come round my house and I'll have a beef with you. And Andy Daly. That virus never existed. There was never any such thing as a mad cow disease. That was all an illusion that Big Lamb came up with. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

Find us at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts from. And I would recommend starting at episode one. Bye. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio screener. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janet Varney, boy detective. Oh'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio screener. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Janet Varney, boy det... Oh, no.

Oh, crackers. Oh, boy. Can we call Janet crackers from here on? I don't know. That doesn't have any connotations. It'll be weird. Oh, that's fair. Fair point.

Yeah. Fair point. Fair point. You could maybe call me butterscotch. That seems like it should be offensive, but I'm not sure it's provable. It's too romantic. I see. I'm going to be frank with you.

How about Uncandy? As my former boss, I'm not allowed to call you Butterscotch. I understand. How about The Uncandy Varney? It's too long. It's very complicated. And it requires you having retained a thing from like an hour ago. You have to have listened to this episode 25 times minimum for it to mean anything.

Right, the Uncandy Varney. But I like that, you know? It's certainly clunky. It's for the fans. It's very clunky. It's for the fans, who I love. I love the fans. I love fans!

You know who I do it all for, Jordan? The advertisers? Yeah, sure. Oh, the nookie, sorry. All for the nookie. All for the nookie. Anyway. Everyone stick it up here, yeah.

Did they work that out between Shaggy2Dope and Fred Durst? They get that sorted out? Oh, because one guy tried to dropkick the other guy. Yeah. Shaggy2Dope of Insane Clown Posse, there's a fun video you can watch of him attempting to dropkick Fred Durst. I mean, I guess I assume when you're in Juggalo society. You think a dropkick is a real type of kick? Well, I was going to say that's just something that happens.

Wait. Right. It would be like me apologizing for using a paper towel in your bathroom or something. You expect that when I go into your bathroom and wash my hands, I'm probably going to use a paper towel. We would never chant family, family or throw batteries at Tila Tequila. But if we were acculturated in that way, it would seem as natural as putting Parmesan cheese on our spaghetti. Can I? Yes.

Jenny, you have a question. I think I don't know exactly what a dropkick is. What class of juice a dropkick? Isn't that where you like bring your leg down on their shoulder or something? All I'm imagining is like, and I really mean this, is that the crane thing that the Karate Kid does, and I'm not saying that ironically. I sincerely imagine someone going up on one leg and then

dropping the other foot while they kick the person. That can't be it. I saw the video and maybe I'm mischaracterizing it as a dropkick, but the thing I saw was like, you know when a wrestler jumps up in the air and kicks his wrestling opponent with two feet, but the kicker also hits the ground?

You have to if you're using both your feet. Right. Yes. He does not land on his feet. He does the kick and he hits the ground. That seems practical. It seems dangerous. Does he get him with both feet?

No, he does not. He does it and misses. Oh, God. And Fred Durst doesn't really know what's going on in the video. It sounds to me like he fell over and tried to pass it off. He may have, maybe. Maybe he just fell down. Oh, he's trying to drop kick him.

I'm surprised to hear Fred Durst doesn't know what's going on. I kind of picture him kind of knowing. Super with it. Knowing everything about everything that's going on around him like he does when he's directing one of his feature films. He actually got to direct. Thanks, Hollywood. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know.

I don't know if that was a result of beef, if that was just part of the stage show. They must have resolved it. I assume that was just something that happens when you're at a Juggalo event. You know? Family. Family. Family. Faygo. Faygo. You get dropkicked. Anyway. Was Fred Durst at a Juggalo event?

Boy, I mean, I'm... I've painted a picture in my mind. I did not get any information with this short video on Twitter. Because I... He's on stage. He's addressing a crowd. Do you think he's running for office, possibly? That could be.

Couldn't be better news. Couldn't be better news. Is it possible he's now a middle school principal? Sure, yeah. King of Florida. Wonderful. I don't know. I gotta say, like,

there are plenty of things that I don't like about the Insane Clown Posse and Shaggy Too Dope. Some of their lyrics I find distasteful and their rapping I find unappealing aesthetically. But I think I prefer them to Fred Durst. That's right. I know, right? At least they have – I guess – you know what?

You just answered the question that everyone has been thinking since those two people both got brought up, which is which do you actually choose? They provide a forgiving and loving subcultural group for some of our nation's forgotten young people and older people now probably. Right. People in there. They were perhaps mischaracterized as a gang. Mid-40s. So I think we have some sympathy for them in that regard.

Are you guys running for office? Ah, fuck. We're juggalos. Sorry, we're juggalos. We didn't want to. We were just kind of dancing around and we wanted to talk about it. I'm running for secretary of state of the juggalos. I will give you my vote. Jordan is running for insurance commissioner.

You have a ways to go. Yeah, whoop whoop. Whoop whoop voters. Go to the polls. You really got to mean it. When something momentous happens to you, like you finally find out on election night that you've been elected insurance commissioner of the Juggalos, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Or just email a voice memo over to us, baby. JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. Just hit that voice memo button.

It sounds gorgeous. Ooh, you sound good. Ooh, you sound good, Jordan. Thanks. Were you sounds gorgeous. Oh, you sound good. Oh, you sound good, Jordan. Thanks. Were you voice memoing? Because you sound good. Yeah, I was. Thank you.

You sound good. Thank you. You sound good. You sound good. Whoop, whoop. Thank you. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest.

I'm going to assume LeBron. This is Jacob. Can you pause that for a second, Brian? And I usually like to let it get about one second further in before I ask Brian to pause it. But I really think that that was a fun guess at who the guest would be. And he hit the right tone. And I just want to give credit where credit is due. I think it's fun to think

I think LeBron would be a fun guest on here. Sure. I think that he didn't oversell it. No. Can I also say I love riding my bike.

Yeah. We have that in common. So kind of. He was kind of right. He sensed with his psychic powers a cyclist vibe. Right, right, right. Is what happened there. So, yeah, I mean, I think we're, you know, we're.

You also have a neatly trimmed beard. Very neat. Also, you're going to be in the Space Jam reboot. Also true. Is that him? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, I think, right. I mean, what we're looking for, Janet, is for someone in their call to be able to call the guests. That's something we've been wanting to happen. It has not happened yet. I'm going to go ahead and say this is the closest one so far. Feels like it to me. I don't think it to me. He does not get the prize.

No. It was not quite as on the bullseye as we would like. Right. But close. Yeah, but close. Very close. This is Jacob calling from West Virginia. Today I was walking to work and I walked by a man who had taken a boot and tied the laces in such a way that he was wearing it as a necklace. And then inside the boot, using it as a cup holder, had placed a big gulp that he was taking sips out of as he walked,

a la Bob Dylan's little harmonica holder thing. Anyway, it was pretty wild. Thanks, guys. Hope you're having a great time. I love that that is the thing he compared it to. I love that that is the thing he compared it to. I bet you could also – you could probably buy a Big Gulp drinking boot at the gift station at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Can I just say like – The merch stand.

Jordan, I don't know about you, but I have largely turned against local weirdo spotted. Jordan, Jesse go momentous occasions. I think, you know, Brian's over there. He's the one who screens the calls. He's nodding. He knows how we feel about local weirdo spotted. But I think there's actually something kind of moving about this one. This guy is a local weirdo, but he's a local resourceful weirdo.

So resourceful. Like a boy scout. Yeah, is a local weirdo, but he's a local resourceful weirdo. So resourceful. Like a boy scout. Yeah, or a magpie. Sure, yeah. I'll tell you, he'd be very at home in the opening sequences of the movie Waterworld. Yes. Drinking pee out of

a boot. That's how you survive. Fighting the smokers. I don't remember really well the movie Waterworld. Did they have 7-Elevens that served urine? Yeah,

they were floating piss 7-Elevens. They were the sponsor of the movie. The primary sponsor of the movie. Man, I remember that.

Now that you mention it. You're such a nasty piss freak. Loves to glug glug that hot yellow. Like 60% of the way in. Sorry, I said I wasn't

going to talk about that. Yeah, you really did. I really bailed on that. This is why I'm not voting for you because you can't keep your campaign promises. Whoop. Sorry, I said I wasn't going to talk about that. Yeah, you really did. I really bailed on that. This is why I'm not voting for you because you can't keep your campaign promises. Whoop, whoop. I'm a liar. Vote for me.

Disappointment. Oh, man. Our insurance is going to be off. Yeah. Too late. You elected me. Whoop, whoop. Our insurance.

Oh, man. I put in a claim and I just got a jar of insurance. Yeah. Open wide. Here comes daddy's rebate. What a villain. Yeah, whoop whoop. Oh, man.

Bring back Quackenbush. Got another call? Yeah. That was beautiful, Jacob. It was. It was well worth sharing. Great job. Great work.

And that's coming from LeBron. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Mike from Illinois. I'm not going to say what town. I don't know why. Hold on a second. I'm a mailman, and I want to report either a moment of shame or a momentous occasion. Not sure which.

I need to get a signature for a letter. Knocked on the door. Guy answered with a rubber glove wrapped around his penis. I looked very shocked, and he said, oh, the girl's coming over, and we ran out of condoms. So, that's a first.

Thank you very much. Love you guys. Bye. You can say what town you're in. I don't know that that... Can I start by saying love you too, Mike? Yeah. God, there's so many questions. Is this what it is to be in the civil service?

Yeah, I guess it is. Wait, why did he need a signature for a letter? Oh, like he was delivering something. Yeah, you need to get a signature confirmation. He's a mailman. Okay, I didn't... I skipped way past that and assigned some kind of weird life situation where, like, he needed

a stranger to sign something, like a petition. I don't know what I was thinking. He needed to get a signature for a letter. Okay. And then a man answered the door, just to recap. Yeah. No, again, for me, the weird part was that he needed a signature for a letter. Like, why are you – just leave it. I've not been able to get past that.

I hear you. But you can request that, I think, if you're sending a sensitive – Yeah. You're absolutely right. Like a document or, you know. I understand now that he – that's part of his job. A contract or something like that. I feel a fool.

A rubber glove. A rubber glove. Yeah. Yeah. Why is this man getting that sort of mail when he's answering the door with a glove on? Anyway. But, I mean, maybe I'm making assumptions about this guy. He could be a responsible, upstanding citizen who gets all kinds of mail. Correct me if I'm wrong, Jordan.

Janet. LeBron. I think he said that a girl was coming over. I think he said the girl was coming over. The girl is coming over. I think he said the girl is coming over. The girl is coming over. So I guess what the scenario here is he texted his girl, you up? She texted back, DFW. Sure.

The mail's coming, so it's like noon, a weekday. Or Saturday, I guess. The mail's delivered differently in this town, which we will not name. Right. Of course not. He texted her back. Whoop, whoop. Whoop, whoop.

Hashtag midnight mail. Hashtag midnight. So they made these arrangements. He became tumescent in anticipation. Sure. It's exciting. Of putting the glove on. The girl's coming over.

Or the male. Or the male. Maybe the male gave him the boner. Yeah. He didn't have any condoms. So he said, well, I got this. And I got 15 minutes, maybe 20, depending on traffic. Yeah.

Get that on there right away. Do not wait till the last possible moment when you begrudgingly have to put it on. Put it on and then just relax. Yeah, exactly. For a good while. Take your time. Yeah. I mean, I think this guy probably just wanted the mailman to see a stick and thought of an excuse at the last minute.

I think you're probably right. Yeah. He's like, oh, what can I do to make the mailman see my dick? It's got to seem believable. All I have is this glove. Yeah. And anyway, this sounds like a. Mike, to be honest with you, I'm getting, now I'm worried about Mike and I feel about Mike. And I feel like if this is just like a day in the life.

Yeah. He wasn't even sure if it was a moment of glory or a moment of shame. I'm worried about you, Mike. Could this just be a scene from Howie Mandel's edgy new FX series? It's absolutely... No, I'll tell you what. It's a Quentin Tarantino movie where he... Reignites the career.

Howie Mandel. Oh, so yeah. A thousand percent. Right, right, right. You cast Mandel as a sexual glove fucker. Absolutely. Throw in some cool 60s garage rock. Yeah. He walks past a conversation being had by two guys on the street about what a snork is.

That goes on for 15 minutes. Yeah. And then that happens how chill do you think his spirit has been crushed by milk i always think i think of mail carrying is such a like uh i mean i think regular jordan jesse go listeners know i love the postal service sure i don't care for the Postal Service, the band. Yeah. But I love the U.S. Postal Service. I'm going to tell Zach Braff to make you a mixie.

Okay. You're going to come around. You're going to come around. Thank you. But I genuinely love the post office. I was friends with the people at the post office when I was a kid. My mailman that I had for 10 years retired, and I had like an awkward conversation with my new mailman where I clearly was like, who are you? Yeah.

Like, what's your story? Show me why I should like you as much. You're not my real mailman. As I liked Richard. I sometimes wonder if my mom is in a romantic relationship with her mailwoman Ping because she loves Ping so much. She'll tell me she gets so excited to see her. Yeah. So happy.

much she'll tell me she gets so excited to see her yeah so happy yeah but i guess i'm just concerned for mike because this sounds like because he did call us which we're grateful for it seems to me like the kind of thing where you should call local law enforcement authorities i don't know where you draw the line on that stuff because it's like how frequently can people be like, listen, I just opened the door in the middle of something. And then you're like, oh, it was in the middle of something argument. I guess I shouldn't call the cops. I mean I guess for me it would be maybe I would draw the line at two medicines. And hey, I mean, I think let's not skip past this. Yeah.

If there's any kids listening. Yeah. Or adults who have not had sex yet. Yeah. A plastic glove, a rubber glove, while it might feel amazing, Is not a valid form of contraception. No, you're right. It is not protective. It is not made for that.

You just got my vote back. Thank you. Whoop, whoop. Don't let me down. I won't. Whoop, whoop. Voters. Yeah, what was Mike's response?

We don't know. We don't know if he was like, that's cool, and then they high-fived. Sure, yeah. With hopefully not the glove. Yeah, high-fives him in the hand, and then. I got confused, bro. Oh. Yeah. I mean, I just see hands, and then they high-fived sure yeah with hopefully not the glove now yeah i five of them in the hand and then i got confused bro oh yeah i mean i just see hands and i start high five not low five thank god or if he was like ah and then he ran away he dropped all the mail just all the mail oh yeah like thousands of letters this glove fucker's just scooping up amazon prime packages oh boy the guy. The guy at the door is like, up high, down low.

Not slow enough. You got me there. You slapped me right in my fucking dick, which is what I wanted all along. Whoop, whoop. What he was looking for. Anyway, I don't want to make light of what could have been a traumatic experience for Mike.

Right. I'm worried about Mike. He was calling, hopefully, because he wanted to laugh at it. Yeah, hopefully he felt comfortable enough to call us. This wasn't a cry for help. I bet Mike could call every week with a different, the stuff I've seen story. Yeah.

If you're a mail carrier and you're listening to this program, or just a mail processing employee or if you're Oney, the post office dog from the Postal Museum in Washington, D.C. But not if you are the band of the Postal Service. No. Yeah. Remarkable postal experiences is the category. Remarkable postal experiences. And the baseline we're looking for here is the time that I saw a mentally ill person get to the front of the line in the post office in downtown San Francisco to mail a basketball to the president without packaging. That's a good start.

There was an address on it, but no packaging. This is what's sad. And this was President... I want to be clear. This was President George H.W. Bush. Wait, George W. Bush. This was President George W. Bush. This was not basketball-loving

President Barack Obama. I'm sad that the second you said a mentally ill person, I knew you were going to say San Francisco. There was no question in my mind. I was like, well, he doesn't have to say where it was. Yeah. We know and love our San Francisco.

Love it. Greatest city in the world. Yeah. So, yeah. Postal carriers. Postal processing employees. Postal administrators. Oney, the post office dog.

Stamps. Give us a call. 206-984-45. Are you with stamps.com? Why aren't you advertising with us? JJ, go at maximumfund.org. I see you every year at the podcast out front. I'm friendly. Get in here. I do a nice job.

I press the flesh. I kiss some babies. Take a t-shirt. I shake some baby's hands. Got a few stamps.com press the flesh. I kiss some babies. Take a t-shirt. I shake some babies' hands. Got a few stamps.com t-shirts. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. But I'm serious about that, postal employees. Jordan and Jessie Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Janet Varney, the fortune rookie. Janet. That's branding. Congratulations on the release of your new internet video series for the independent film channel, Fortune Rookie, starring Janet Varney. Mm-hmm.

As Janet Varney. Always a slippery slope. But also- Fred Armisen. Yeah. All your Hollywood favorites. Some good ones. For instance But also... Fred Armisen. Yeah, all your Hollywood favorites. Some good ones. For instance...

You said Fred Armisen. You got your James Roday from the show Psych. You got your Tim Omenson from Psych. You got your Lorraine Newman from SNL and every cartoon ever made. That's it, though. John Michael Higgins. Oscar Nunez. Jessica Makinson.

Oscar Nunez is a joy. Deborah Baker Jr., who was in Stand Against Evil. Wow. You got your... Brian Husky's in there. You got your Huskers. I'veunez is a joy. Deborah Baker Jr., who was in Stand Against Evil. Wow. You got your- Brian Husky's in there. You got your Huskers. I should say, I've seen this thing we're talking about. You have seen it.

I've seen Fortune Rookie nose to tail, stem to stern, dick to balls, sip to trotters. That's a short, I mean- I've seen every episode of this thing and it is delightful. It's really funny. Janet, you're great in it. So many fun, so many fun

showbiz cameos. They're bite-sized. They're funny. Steve Agee's in this thing. Steve Agee. Beloved to the Jordan Jesse Go audience. Do we love,

do we love a Brian Husky? Yeah, we Husker do. We Husker do. Sure, yeah. Yeah, we Husker do.

Great, yeah. Husky do? Yeah, long Husker do. We Husker do. Sure, yeah. We Husker do. Great, yeah. Husky do. Yeah, long run. Sure. Yeah, all your faves in this thing, fun, funny, you should watch it. Fortune Rookie. Thanks, guys.

Where's the best place to watch it if you wouldn't want to watch it? I would say you go to YouTube. You can go to ifc.com. Those are probably your best bets. Oh, my gosh. How about this? In addition to posting, we'll post a video on our Facebook page about Brandon Byrd's Orbach car. But also, we'll post a place you can watch Janet Varney's Fortune Rookie.

That'd be great. If you go over there to the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook page, it'll be right there. Nice. You'll see it. It's fun. It's going to be great. page. It'll be right there. You'll see it.

And of course Janet is still one of the stars of the television program Stan vs. Evil on the television network independent film channel. It just never gets less funny to me to call it independent film channel. You'll probably find her at your local con

representing the smash hit television character Cora of the show Legend of Cora, you'll probably find her on her smash hit podcast, The JV Club, which, you know, this is not the time or the venue for announcements, but we'll soon be joining a new podcast network, from what I've heard. Mm-hmm. Those are good rumors. It's what I've heard.

Exciting. Exciting things ahead. That's what I've heard. Mm-hmm. It's what I've heard. And I'm a total Korra nut, so... Hmm. There you go.

Well, I love doing this show. It's always great to be with you guys. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Overly warm room. Always nice to have you. I'm wearing a poncho. You're wearing a poncho. I support it.

Thank you, Janet. I really appreciate that. I feel like maybe I should personally write apology letters to anyone who got grossed out by your bodily fluid mentions. Because you shouldn't have to apologize for things that happen on your show, But your guests should.

Thank you. Yes. You should be able to behave abominably. If our guests had to apologize for the show afterwards. And for your behavior. That's right. Okay. That's what I signed up for.

I think. I signed a lot of paperwork before I came in here. It's very litigious to get on this show. Jeez, you guys. We just want to have all our bases covered. Well, if something goes wrong in surgery, we want to be covered. I don't feel uncomfortable with that. I usually do my signature drop kick at the end of the show.

I had to sign a waiver saying I wasn't going to do that. Jordan has a background in insurance, so we're very risk conscious. Anyway, we couldn't get Fred Derser. You're going to have to dropkick the guy from Stained if that's okay. We'll do. That's okay. Okay. Janet Varney, Brian Fernandez, Sonny D.

We're a little worried about Brian. We're a little worried about Brian. I'm a little worried about Brian. He likes our show too much. He has a good time. He has a lot of fun out there. I love it. He has a lot of fun out there. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com.

You can find us on Twitter. Janet is at Janet Varney, if I'm not mistaken. 100% correct. Jordan underscore Morris and Jesse Thorne, also on Twitter. What are we sending people to if they have corrections at? Oh, I don't know. Well, something. Not Gas Station TV anymore.

Yeah. Well, how about this? We need a new one. We'll take your suggestions on the Reddit. Let's see them. Maximumfund.reddit.com. In this week's episode post, we need some good ideas for stuff that people

we can tweet corrections to. And I think my standard here, Jordan, I'm not looking for the evilest person on Twitter. I'm not looking for a good person on Twitter. I'm looking for something that's right in between. Between good and evil.

Yeah. A nice neutral Twitter account. Sounds like you just described a social justice warrior. I'm kidding, everybody. God, that's seriously those S-channels. I've got to get those snowflakes. I want to rub them on my face. I've got to rub those snowflakes on my face. I'm going to rub those snowflakes on my face.

I'm going to get those. I'm going to get all those peas and carrots. I'm going to get all those. Lousy kids on my lawn. I'm going to get all those. Wow. Got to catch them all. Got to catch them all.

I'm home again, Rose. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.