Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 554: The Quiet House with David Malki!

Episode Date: October 23, 2018

David Malki!, creator of the webcomic Wondermark, joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of his dramatic mid-business foot injury, the phantom kim chee fried rice stink cloud following Jordan around, and the gorgeous note that a mail carrier found in a mailbox on the job. Plus, Jesse attempts some home repairs with juicy results. Action Item: Postal workers, call in with your stories! 206-984-4FUN!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris in a cabbage cloud. I'm sorry, excuse me, forgive me, excuse me. I'm in a cabbage cloud. Sorry, I didn't hear that. Today's guest is a web comics artist. He's got a Kickstarter for a new collection.

Excuse me. What? Sorry. Now, ordinarily, and I'm used to this, every show at the beginning, I'll say Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Sometimes you'll say another nickname. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. But that's the ordinary path. These are the nicknames that we chose when we were 19 and 18, respectively.

Sure. As a joke. I was 14. I lied about my age to get into college. It was a real Twelfth Night situation. But I think that... Is Twelfth Night about a young college freshman? It is, yeah.

Are you thinking of Doogie Howser? I'm thinking of Doogie Howser. No, Twelfth Night, that's the gender swap one where the woman pretends to be the man to join the military. So I consider that similar. You know what I think of Twelfth Night as? No, I don't think it is. I think I'm wrong. I think it's, oh, shit, some fucking Shakespeare dorks.

Oh, I'm sorry, Shakespeare dorks. Oh, Jordan. Can you look up what one that is? Great news. We have, we're going to get into your cabbage. Let's bring our guest in. Okay. Then we'll deal with corrections. Then we'll deal with your new nickname.

Our guest on the program, a friend of Jordan Jesse Go, a past guest, the author of the hilarious webcomic, Wonder Mark. He is the man behind a brand new Kickstarter to make a book of recent Wonder Mark comics. That is true. David Malky. Hello there. Hello. Welcome to the show that you host, and I am a guest. Thank you. Thank you for having us

on your guest appearance um you could have asked you could have asked anyone to host the show during your guest appearance that's true but i didn't have the code to get in the building to give them that's true so there was a practical consideration i decided to start out just myself and if it went well who knows now i know what time you do this so you might see me again cool just every time you need to make a podcast with some folks in tow cool now david i know that when you're making wonder mark maybe uh karen colgariff and chris fairbanks yeah they're great on this show by the way david i i know that when you are making a web comic yes you care about nothing more than quality. Absolutely. Quality is my specialty.

Exactly. And Jordan, I think that you know and our audience knows that that's the same thing that we care about first and foremost on Jordan, Jessica.

Yes. Oh, no, sorry. Quantity. I'm into quantity. I don't know about you. I'm into quantity these days. That's why I take big old dumps.

Who cares? Right? Who cares anymore? Wow. This show turned south quick. We're like 180, Malky hasn't even plugged his Kickstarter yet.

I'm going to have to ask you guys to leave my show. Yeah, no, you're right. Hey, I get it, man. Good call. I'm sorry I couldn't bring the heat today leave my show. Yeah, no, you're right. Hey, I get it, man. Good call. I'm sorry I couldn't bring the heat today. But I can drop the heat. Come on.

Are you upset because Malky's not wearing socks? He just came in here in jeans and flip-flops. He has a foot injury. That's right. He has a foot injury. I explained it to Jordan. I don't run a menswear blog myself, but I know that if a person were to, they might know these things. He's from the Venice area.

You can still live in the Venice area? South Bay, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the jeans and flip-flops capital of L.A. I thought long and hard whether I should force my injured foot into a shoe just to be presentable or just wear the flip-flops and let the chips fall where they may. I'm fine with my decision, but I may reconsider before the hours end. I withdraw my snide remark, David Malky. You suffered a foot injury.

I did. You probably tried to kick a tiger or something. That's a much better story. So, yes, I did. Absolutely. What's the scoop? What's this injury? Wait, no, Jordan, hold on.

Okay. We have to deal with the Twelfth Night issue real quick. Yeah. So a couple weeks ago on the program, we asked around. We were looking for a new Twitter handle at which our audience can direct their corrections. We're always grateful to hear from our audience. And we want to make sure that your corrections are heard. to hear from our audience.

And we want to make sure that your corrections are heard. So, but we just don't think that necessarily our Twitter handles are the best ones to send them to. And I think you and I, Jordan, kind of got our heads together and thought, what are we really serious about

in Jordan and Jessica? First of all, quality. Second of all, customer care. And third of all, a commitment to lifelong learning. Yep. Now, the third one is irrelevant in this context, but it is important to us just as a shared value. Sure.

Community college and so forth. Kuman. Book movie. Yeah, it's Kuman. Right? Yeah. At least pronounce Kumo. I'm brushing up on my algebra right now.

You know, lifelong learning is for everyone. Sure. And finally, the Scholastic Book Fair. Of course. God, I love Book Fair. Love a Book Fair. I'm going to get a new picture bio of Derek Jeter this month. Yeah, right?

They still got Garfields? Oh, they got Garfield collections. It wouldn't be Scholastic Book Fair without 19 Garfield Collections. Okay. Every color of the rainbow. So again, the values that we share, quality, customer care, and we're listeners on Jordan Jesse Gold. A lot of people think that because this is literally the opposite of listening, this

show, just blasting things into your ears with you having no... We care about listening. Right. So we thought about... We got a lot of great suggestions for Twitter accounts at which to send corrections and we're very grateful for every single one of those. I know I'm very

grateful. I can't speak for David Malky. This is building up to something really good. Can't wait to see where it goes. But if you have a correction for Jordan about the plot of Twelfth Night, if you have a correction that you're anticipating a future mistake he'll make about a Midsummer Night's Dream. Sure. The Merchant of Venice. Mm-hmm.

Two Gentlemen of Verona. One of the sonnets. As you like it. Nice to have the Merchant of Venice Two Gentlemen of Verona One of the sonnets Nice to have the Merchant of Venice here with us Yeah, that's right Well, the South Bay The larger South Bay area You're probably close to Venice, you could probably get there Yeah, I still have a mailing address in Venice because it's way cooler

That's what I was thinking If you have a correction for Jordan and Jesse Go in the Future Please direct it at JDPowerandAssociates At JDPower On Twitter If you have a correction for Jordan and Jesse going in the future, please direct it at J.D. Power and Associates. At J.D. Power on Twitter. How'd they get that one? They must have snapped that up early. There's another one at Associates.

If you have something to say to the Associates. Like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm J.D. Power. You're going to want the Associates. You can tag them both. J.D. Power just writes back, sorry, this is my personal account. Right, yeah. Retweets do not equal endorsements.

We got to pay for those. That's the whole point. No one's going to get free endorsements from J.D. Power. He's not handing those out. Nah. Okay, so that's thing number one that we wanted to address. Dr. Seuss. Oh, we're not.

Let's go to Malky's injury. Right. And then we'll circle back to the cabbage cloud. Malky. Picture this, if you will. I'm on the toilet. Taking one of those patented, now that I've learned that Jordan's an aficionado. Now daddy's listening.

I was expecting a very important telephone call. For those younger listeners, it's the thing where you talk onto the computer. What was the nature of this call? Business, personal? When you say you talk onto the computer. What was the nature of this call? Business, personal? When you say you were expecting a very important telephone call. Yes, a television call. I live in 1950. But the future has posited by 1950.

You're expecting a very important telephone call. Is that like the new way to say you were dropping some kids off at the pool or whatever? I was multitasking, I will say. I was doing the one and the other. Got it. My phone was in the other room and I heard it ring. Now there's your mistake. I thought, could this be the call I've been waiting for?

So I hurriedly, luckily I was mostly done with the business at hand. You want to be all the way done though, frankly. Yeah. You don't want to get caught mid-business. I mean, you can live your life the way you want to i'm just telling the story as it happened okay i guess and i guess i i'm i'm i'm picturing the situation i guess i don't know a lot about your lifestyle i mean are you i mean i i see a wedding ring i'm wearing jeans and flip-flops you're wearing jeans and flip-flops and a wedding ring and that's all actually yeah those are the only two. And the jeans, it's denim head to toe.

Sure, yeah. The old Canadian tuxedo. Do you have a, if you're scooting through the house, pulling up your pants, with a half-done business hanging out, will someone see? Well, I have a young son who makes, I mean, he sees things, but they are not sticking. Sure. You can do anything you want in front of that guy. Yeah. He doesn't care.

Jesse, as a father, you know this well. Yeah, I'm a father of three, and none of the three care about anything I've ever done in my life. It's very freeing. Yeah. Do whatever you want. My wife is, at this moment in the story, she's in bed. She's near my phone. Uh, she could do the thing like, you know, David's phone if she were to, but I don't know that she will or won't.

I think what she says is your phone's ringing sort of calling across the house. Cause I don't think I actually heard the ringing. So I stand up, I turn feet mashed into a, uh, the leg of the vanity at very high speed. Yeah. Very high speed. And, I mean, we've all stubbed toes before. Sure. We know it's no fun.

Oh, yeah. As a man who has stubbed my share of toes, this is a bad stub, fellas. Oh, wow. This is a bad stub. Yeah, I mean, I can see the toe right now. It's pretty heavily bandaged. I would imagine to require that much bandaging, it's got to be a bad stub. It's a bad stub.

And David? Yes. You've heard of Vanity 6. This sounds like Vanity 666. The devil's vanity. I haven't heard of Vanity 6. Oh, it's like a print side project. Vanity's a hot babe.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds fun and cool. Sort of like Apollonia. Have you heard of Apollonia from Purple Rain? I've heard of Appalachia. Sure.

Okay. Have you heard of Sheila E.? You've heard of Danity K. Well, that's Vanity Lame. Kind of in the same zone, I guess. Wow. You guys are really good.

There's a lot of stuff I don't know about. That's not true. Growing up where I grew up, in the quiet house. In the quiet house. Good. It was just Malky and John Krasinski. Sure, yeah. Bad stub.

Big yelp. Doing the hopping. Yeah. And the wondering instantly, is this the time I have broken a bone? Yeah. It would be the first time. Congratulations on a life well led. So a lot of milk as a child.

Any cavities? Ever had a cavity? You know, probably, but I haven't been to the dentist in so long How would I know? You probably, okay Probably don't then And so I also drank a lot of milk as a child

Two milks, one lemonade What was, uh Don't you, don't you worry about it, David I like to keep my humor clean Sure, yeah Just wondering if anything else was nearby Yeah, maybe around the corner, catty corner Nothing Couple blocks away I like to keep my humor clean. Sure, yeah. Just wondering if anything else was nearby. Yeah, maybe around the corner, catty corner.

Nothing. Couple blocks away. No. One of those artisanal chocolate chairs. Gentrifying neighborhood. We make the fudge here. We don't. This is not frozen fudge that we're shipping in from a factory.

It's not pink slime made into f cacao. Made into fudge. We make the fudge here around the corner. They make their own marshmallows. I mean, that's commitment. Yeah. So I told my wife, I said, this may have been the worst stub I've ever had. The thing is, now, I don't know if it's broken because if you have a broken toe, what do you do? Nothing.

You just wait. And it heals. Yeah. Presumably. Yeah. Then you have a broken toe, what do you do? Nothing. You just wait. Yeah. And it heals. Yeah. Presumably. Yeah. Then you get a cool sideways toe. Yeah. And we all know.

I'm not a doctor. I've been wondering if my toe is broken. I don't think it is because I think if it were broken, it would take a long time to heal. So far, it has been healing fairly rapidly. We're at about 50%, I think. It's been about a week. It's pretty good. I got a lot of T-cells. Those are important for healing. Yeah, you got to get those.

Those are just working overtime, as far as I can tell. So right now, we're just in that process. It takes a little time to heal. I'm going to give it a little bit of time. Do you think it helps that you're juicing? Yes. I get that at the lemonade stand. Oh, you got it. Here's the punchline to the story. It wasn't the call I was waiting for. What was the call?

Just some robocall? Robocall sales call. Ah, jeez. I mean, to be honest, it was FedEx asking if I was happy with my account. Well, are you? I'm fine. They called back later because I didn't make it to the call. Obviously, I had something came up.

Sure. And then I looked at the number. Not important. They called me again later. Same number. I recognized it. And it was, hi, I'm in charge of your account. How's your shipping needs?

It's totally fine. Yeah, doing great. Don't need to have the conversation about it. Everything's making it where it's supposed to go. And thanks for calling me. I think it was like 7.30 in the morning. Frigging mashed my toe on your behalf. Do you think that a guy that-

Are you, now, I don't know if you're a regular guy, do you usually do your business in the morning? I mean, everyone does their business at 7.30 in the morning, right? That's what my parents taught me. Everyone does that. I mean, I do. I don't know if the world does. In the quiet house, we had to take our time. Sure. 7.30 on the know if the world does. In the quiet house, we had to take our time. Sure. 7.30 on the dot. No grunting.

Right. Otherwise, you have to go into the sad room. Yeah. I often eat grape nuts for breakfast. And if you want to have consistent internal function, I recommend eating grape nuts for breakfast. internal function. I recommend eating grape nuts for breakfast. It's especially important

like today as we record this I spent the morning at the Long Beach antiques market and flea market. Oh, the Long Beach. Yeah.

In Long Beach. Sort of in the South Bay area. Sure, I've heard about it. South Bay. And it's attached to like a community college football stadium. Football. And so you know, you a community college football stadium.

Football. And so, you know, you're there for four hours. It's not where you want to do your business. Right. Because they probably have porta-potties. Yeah. It's a little better than a porta-potty, but not much. Now, they have very nice porta-potties now.

I mean, they've got the ones with the running water, the little wash station outside. Yeah. I'm sure probably at this, the little wash station outside. Yeah. I'm sure probably at this particular establishment. Bathroom attendant. Yeah. They hand you a towel in the porta-potty. I think that- Just a hole the arm reaches in.

Right. If they have that foot-pedaled wash station outside, they should be able to get a foot-pedaled bidet inside. Now, that's an idea. Right? Yeah. I'd be strongly in favor of this. Everything operated by feet. I'd just love in favor of this. Everything operated by feet.

I'd just love to have a treadle for everything. Yeah. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Did you ever get that call? Did the call ever come through, the one you were waiting for? Honestly, don't remember. Okay.

I was in a haze for a bit. That was a pre-stub life you were living, and now you're in a post-stub world. To be honest, I think it's probably fine. I think whatever it was happened. You know, sometimes when things happen in life that you're in a post-stub world. To be honest, I think it's probably fine. I think whatever it was happened. You know, sometimes when things happen in life that you're anticipating, you gentlemen can relate to this I'm sure, and then they happen, that loop gets closed, it's out

of mind entirely, 100%. I think it was, you know what it was? It was the vet going to call with the results about the cat. Oh, that's right. You know, see how his thyroid is doing. Then we got the call. We got the call. That part of it is over. We're moving on with life. Oh, that's right. need regular injections. This is true. I was discussing this with Jordan earlier. We do what's called subcutaneous fluids, which is a very common thing apparently with cats. If you have an older cat, they often have kidney issues. So cats are lovely creatures. We have, as humans, artificially

extended their lifespan many, many years. They are supposed to die. Honestly. And so they have a lot of very predictable failures. And one of those is kidney function. And the way that you modulate that is you have like an IV bag of a saline drip. And then you put a needle in their neck. And then you put fluids just dripped into their body once a day or every other day, whatever it is. And that hydrates them internally. I imagine it's just a big bag of pink inside, just all mushed together.

And so you just juice that up a little bit. You're juicing the pink. You're juicing the pink. Yeah. And then when you're done with that. You've got to juice the pink. You change. I'm on the clear.

Oh, well. There's a tube and it has a little needle and you take the needle off and you put it in a sharps container. You can't throw that in your trash. You've got to do take the needle off, and you put it in a sharps container. You can't throw that in your trash. You've got to do something with it. You have to put that in your sharps container. I know a little bit about needles just from having to do that now. Having a dry cat.

Dry cat. Yep. It has to be hydrated especially. Do you notice it getting stiffer or more brittle when it's insufficiently watered? Yeah. What happens is the tips turn brown. Oh, sure, yeah. And you know. But sometimes they gotta get direct sunlight. They gotta lay down right

in direct sunlight. You see them do it all the time. Yeah, that's what they're doing. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, of course. My cat has a lot of aphids, and I'm not sure what to do. What you want is neem oil. Okay. A little spray of neem oil, and then you get that it's worm husks underneath. They don't like the smell. Thank you. A little spray of neem oil. Thank you. Then you get that, it's worm husks underneath.

They don't like the smell. Got it. Put that underneath the cat, and if the cat moves, just sweep it underneath and follow it around. That's good advice. Thanks, David. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, the Max Fund members. Thousands of people who, for some reason, have decided to pay us to do this program. It's also brought to you this week by our friends at Stitch Fix.

Yeah, when a problem comes along. You must teach it. That's the way you do it. It's an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Do you think that Stitch Fix could have Stitch Fix branded energy domes? I don't know. We'd have to formalize the relationship with the Devo song Whip It. Oh, sure.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, let's get Mother's Baa on the phone. Yeah. Hey, Mother's Bar on the phone. Yeah. Hey, Mother's Bar. Yeah, how are you? Having fun composing faux chamber music for indie movie soundtracks? What if I told you you could get rich right now?

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And I got these great gray pants I'm wearing. These are Stitch Fix gray pants. These are the famous Stitch Fix gray pants? I'm wearing them. They're gray. Oh, my God. And they are from Stitch Fix. Those are great pants.

Now, is this the kind of organization that might be able to help a fellow out with something to replace these flip-flops on my feet? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. They got shoes, belts, shirts. Tell them your personal style is injured toes. Injured toes.

I like just a carve out on the left side. Yeah. Here's what you're going to do to get started now. You go to stitchfix.com slash JJGO and you get an extra 25% off when you keep all the items in your box. But that's only if you go to stitchfix.com slash JJGo and get started today. Stitchfix.com slash JJGo. If you want to advertise on Jordan, Jesse, go hit up Teresa at MaximumFun.org.

If you are a JJGo listener and you have a message you want to share like a birthday or anniversary or you're launching your new line of coasters, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron and we'll flash your message to our severals of listeners. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Good name. David Malky comes. This is the kind of quality that you expect. Consistency quality. And I'm not just talking about a lot of people know how well David Malky does on surveys of initial quality. The first 90 days, I'm right in there. Rock solid. Jordan, what's this?

This is quick. This is not a big story. A couple days ago, I went out to dinner. That's right. Dining out. Wow. I thought you said this wasn't a big story. Dining out.

Dining out. Hold on. When you say you went out to dinner at a paid restaurant? Oh, yeah. Table service. Napkins. Wait. Like, you're talking about water?

Was there, like, tablecloths and stuff? No. I'm talking about, like, a cloth tablecloth. No, not tablecloths. Not tablecloths. Just one of those places that makes their own confections? Yeah. Honestly, the only kind I'm familiar with, they, like, make fudge and marshmallows.

Yeah, apparently there's more. Around the corner from Malky's house. Yeah. Yeah, restaurants have really exploded lately and they're making more than just fudge. Everybody's talking about restaurants. They make more than just fudge.

I had leftovers. It was a big meal. I had some leftover kimchi fried rice, put it in the car, went to a second activity. That's right. I'm doing two activities in a day.

Wow. Not only am I dining out, but I'm doing another activity. You might call that milk. Milk. Right. Yeah. And well, here comes the lemonade, Dave. Kimchi fried rice.

That's a home run every time. Yeah. Delicious. God bless the entire nation of Korea for bringing us kimchi fried rice, the convenience food that's always delicious. I loved it and was looking forward to eating the leftovers later on. Yeah.

I bet you were. That's great reheating. I got, yeah, I got, get in the car and, whew, boy, this kimchi fried rice did a smell number on the car. Well, this is a fermented food. Right. Yes, sure. And, yeah, so it was a mistake on my part to

leave it in the car at all. But what else were you going to do with it? Yeah, exactly. And Jordan, you had been to my apartment in Koreatown, so you knew about the long-term effects of kimchi storage. Sure. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it just, it did a number on the car. I decided that I had left it in there a little too long. I threw it out, and then I've just been driving around with the windows down. This smell is just following me. This is my telltale heart, and I feel like I'm even smelling it when I'm not in the car. I'm in – and it's not a bad smell. It's a smell that I like.

It's a phantom smell now. But it is constant. Psychosomatic at this point. Yeah, right. Exactly. It's not smell that I like. It's a phantom smell now. But it is constant. Psychosomatic at this point. Yeah, right. Exactly. It's not too far from BO, though. Like, I love eating kimchi and don't mind the smell of kimchi if I can recognize what it is. Sure.

And I think that's the position you're in right now. You like to eat kimchi. Yeah. You recognize what the smell is in your car. You smell that smell and you picture kimchi. But you know, what if you're on a romantic date with a hot babe?

An heiress, for example. Ooh! Wouldn't that be fun? I like this lady. She's probably in the passenger seat clutching her pearls. Sure, yeah. And fanning herself. Because she's thinking, what is this odor that Jordan Morris, my otherwise charming companion, is emitting that's stanking up this ride?

Here's the thing. And I think, I don't think the car actually smells like that anymore i think it's gone i've driven around i even when i parked the car i cracked them it's been it's been three days since the kimchi fried rice was in there but i think it just it's just in my brain and i don't i i don't know i think i have to like watch it go through the car wash or something so i can know i do feel even though it's like that's the exterior, but I think I just need something to, as you said earlier, Dave, to close the loop. That's right.

Exactly. The loop needs to be closed anyway. We're going to bring it all together. But yeah, I've got this cabbage ghost following me. What you're looking for maybe is CBD oil. Oh, sure. Just get too chill. Oh man, I got a CBD oil story.

Anyway. Can I tell you, like, I am facing a similar problem right now. I've spent the last week or so. I drive my cars about three years old. But, you know, guys, I had never bought a new car before. And there was this cool lady who was selling the extended warranty. An heiress. No, no.

Not at all. Like a- A countess. Like a- An accountant. Tough lady from your neighborhood. Okay. I was like, I don't know how this lady got this job.

She's the opposite of what I pictured in every way, but I am on board for whatever she's selling. I just want to be friends with her. I just want to hang out. She's like a sales tricks. And that's how all good friendships start, buying something from someone. And then the sense of obligation is established. Butch and Sundance, that's how they started.

So anyway, I went ahead and I bought an extended warranty. It was not expensive. It was a modest price. But I was like, you know what? If I'm going to drive this car for 100,000 miles or 150,000 miles, I might as well just tip to toe this thing. Live a little. You know what I mean? I have spent the last week trying to figure out if a fan, an air conditioner fan that makes a little barely audible kind of thwip, thwip, thwip noise whenever it's on is covered under warranty.

Can I take this back to the dealership and be like, do you hear that sound? Oh, it's making me crazy. Do you hear it? Wait, hold on. Hold on. There it is. Thwip, thwip, thwip. How extensive is the warranty?

Is it one of these deals where you can be assured there's not a deductible or something else? Because what you could do is break the fan more. Okay. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, David. The deductible or something else because what you could do is break the fan more. Okay. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, David. The deductible is $200. Okay.

Which is why the warranty was so affordable. However, I want to be clear. If you said to me, I'm a thwip, thwip, thwip genie. Yeah. Give me $200. I'll make the thwip, thwip, Thwip go away immediately, completely promised. Yeah. I would give you $200 right now.

Now, actually, maybe I can diagnose this for you, actually. Now, I'm no gearhead. But you have a cabbage car, and you've thought about that a lot. But I have a cabbage car that's haunted by a cabbage ghost. I mean, again, I have not heard this one. I'm just taking your word for it. So I think if there is a Thwip, Thwip, thwip, you might have Spider-Man. Might have a bad case of Spider-Man in there.

Okay, guys. Last week on the program, David Malky, we sent out word to all of the mail carriers and postal employees in the Jordan Jesse Go audience. Okay. carriers and postal employees in the Jordan, Jesse, go audience. Okay. What's the most remarkable thing you've discovered or the most remarkable experience you've had while conducting your appointed rounds? I can't wait to hear what the answer is. David, do you love the U.S. Postal Service? The U.S. Postal Service is the ninth wonder of the world.

And I've heard you're a FedEx customer. I'm fine with my FedEx service, but the USPS, they've got my vote every time. I also have nothing but wonderful, warm feelings about the FedEx service, especially my handsome, new, young mail carrier. USPS service, you should. Had a previous mail carrier with a gray mustache who was nice to me but a little weird to ladies. Little weird. Not actionably weird but weird enough. Sure.

A man with an unusual mustache, you say? Made a woman feel weird? And the USPS is a great civil service employer. They have diversity quotas. The DMV and the USPS are some of the largest employers in the urban middle class. Hey, that's great. I love the United States Postal Service. I love a union civil service job. I love a quality bus driver. Had some great relationships in my life with high-quality bus drivers. If you take the bus the same time every day, you might see that bus driver who always wears a beret.

Mm-hmm. Oh. God bless him. Ooh-la-la. Won't let the little kids pay. Puts his hand over the till. That's nice. That's very charming.

Yeah. That's technically stealing from the city. Yeah. Fair point. To fund your beret habit. And it's a habit. It's an city. Yeah. To fund your beret habit. And it's a habit. It's an addiction. Yeah.

He would not accept their 25 cents, but once a year they had to bring him a beret. Well, they just had to tally up. They had the cameras. Someone's clocking that down. At the end of the whole year, $4.75, just call it even. There was, in the city of San Francisco, this may still be true. There was in the city of San Francisco, this may still be true. It's been a long time since I've lived in San Francisco, but there was an official muni uniform element of a beret.

Oh, boy. Like you don't have to wear the beret. It was an optional. There was also a ball cap or no hat. But you could wear a beret. These guys looked slick. Trey Internacional. I know. Like if you're out there thinking, if you're thinking about joining the Guardian Angels just so you can ride buses in a beret.

Sure. Well, consider a union gig as a bus driver. Okay. So we did – we received one important communication. And I hope that all the postal employees, former and postal employees and so forth are thinking about calling us at 206-9844-FUN or emailing us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. But this is from a mail carrier whose name will not be mentioned. Look, we're not here to blow the lid off of, you know, we're not trying to get you fired. We're not trying to change the world.

We just want to hear about a weird thing that happened while you were carrying the mail. It's all we want. This is a note that was inside the mailbox when a carrier was delivering the mail. This carrier left the note there, but

decided to take a picture of it for posterity and sent us a photograph of it. Hello. It's a handwritten note. Hello. I hope you remember me, the cocksucker who sucked you several times. Oh, boy.

I would like restart, but seriously, one to two times per week just to swallow your cum, be your cocksucker, and your mouth is yours. Please contact me if okay. Wow. Now, was this a mail carrier on a regular route? Do you know? Do you have other information about this? Just a regular route. But we didn't get any context.

Was it for them? Right. No, no, no. I think this was for the resident of the house. Oh. Just a visitor, a past cocksucker had stopped by. So the message is not for the mailman. That's what we're clarifying.

Right. Presumably. No, no. The mailman happened upon a mail carrier. It could have been a mail warrant. That's right. The mail carrier is an invisible part of this transaction. Happened upon this note while conducting their appointed rounds through sleet and snow and hail and so forth. I would like to restart.

No, wait. I would like restart. They didn't write to. I would like restart. But seriously, one to two times per week just to swallow your cum? Mm-hmm. You know what sentiment I like? What's that?

Your mouth is yours. Well, this is a very like sex positive consent driven. It really is. Cock sucking note. It really is. And yeah. I like that okay is underlined. Sure.

Please contact if okay. Is there information about when this note was left in terms of like how long ago? Like seasonally? Around Thanksgiving. No, is this a, like, would email or text still be possible at this time? Yeah, I think this is a relatively recent note. This is a digital photograph, for one thing, David. Well, I mean, photographs can be scanned by many computers.

So you think that someone— This could be, like, in someone's archives. A postal carrier who coincidentally was carrying their Nikon that day shot—and they had their macro lens. They shot a photograph, had it developed down at the B&H photo. Milk carriers have many hobbies. Then brought it back and used possibly one of those handheld grayscale scanners that you swipe across the thing a few times. I'm not saying it's likely. I'm just saying you can't rule it out.

It is a possibility. What I'm trying to figure out is why- Thanks, Detective Dan. Why the mailbox as the vector of communication? Right. Clearly, this person knew them by location, but not by phone number, perhaps? Right. That's a good point. I guess, are we assuming that it was found in a mailbox?

Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just something they found while on the street. Maybe this was on a- This was in a mailbox. That bit of context was in the email that was attached. What about this potentiality? What if the recipient of the note had received the note via any means, perhaps left under their windshield wiper? Right.

And then Reddit decided they did not want to take action. It was not okay. And so they just put it in the closest receptacle they could find to get it out of their possession, some poor person's mailbox. Because what we also don't know is if the person who lived there was the possessor of a cock. And it could be sock and sock. I kind of can only speak for myself and what I would do in that situation. But if I put myself in the shoes of a person who finds that note under their windshield, I don't want to put it in whatever mailbox is close by specifically because if it's a note under my windshield, it's probably got a car wash coupon on there and I might want to use that. Yeah, sure.

But you can sell that by looking at it. I could just look at the back of all of my grocery store receipts for a while. Yeah, that's a place one might show up. Yeah. Get a couple bucks off, you can treat yourself to that air freshener, which is what this guy needs. Wowzers. The mistake that you made, you got

the deluxe package, good call. You got the rainbow wax, the tire dressing. Sealant. The sealant. Which is a bummer, because it took you literally two weeks to get out of that goddamn car. It sure did. I had to kick my way out. I got a little bit of an offer for you. It's a bummer because it took you literally two weeks to get out of that goddamn car. It sure did.

I had to kick my way out. I got a little bit of an offer for you. You might find it interesting. Please. This is a true story. I was purchasing an item at the local AutoZone. All right. Okay.

It doesn't matter what it was. It doesn't matter. Jordan? I think it was one of those cup holders with the little hook that goes into your windowsill. I think it was a license plate frame that says Diva. You're both right in your own way. And so

as the person was ringing me up, he reached over and grabbed an unknown item from in front of the shelf and just added it to my total and I asked what was happening. He says, well, there's a promotion. If you spend, I don't know what it was, like $25, you get like some percent off because of the volume. And the thing I had been ordering,

been purchasing was like $23. So he, in his wisdom, just any $2 item to actually make me pay less overall. So now I have extra air fresheners. It turns out they're air fresheners. Two air fresheners I have. I might even want them. What kind do you get? The kind that looks like a little tin of cat food? One of them.

No, it was the kind that you. One that looks like Jessica Rabbit? That's the one. Okay. That's the one. Smells like strawberry for some reason. Yeah. If I'd known I would have brought them, I'm sorry.

I didn't think of it. I got a, maybe you could borrow my car air freshener. I was at an art museum. What do you use? What do you use to freshen the car? I got a, I got one that's, you know, the, have you heard of the Gorilla Girls? I've not. Oh.

Yes. I have heard of this. They're like some cool art ladies that do. Yeah. I saw this. Where, where was this? Protest art. I mean, inside my car.

Oh, you, oh, I thought this was at the museum. Oh, this was at the Whitney Museum in New York. Oh, okay. Anyway, I saw this somewhere. There was an exhibit at the Whitney that had closed. I didn't get to see it, but it was like protest art or something. And the Gorilla Girls protest. Oh, maybe I saw this in the Tate Modern when we were in London.

Maybe that's where. That sounds very possible. They protest gender inequity in London. Maybe that's where. That sounds very possible. They protest gender inequity in art. They're pretty cool. They're like secret. And they wear gorilla masks. Right. Like type gorilla masks.

Sure. Not like ski masks like Subcomandante Marcos or something. And yeah, it's got the gorilla mask on one side. And on the back it says erasing the stench of the patriarchy. Hey, that's nice. Isn't that fun? What does it smell like? Bananas.

It tracks. I'm going to lay this on you, and Jesse, you can feel free to shoot this down. But I just thought, as I'm listening to the two of you bounce this back and forth, some information from you, some information from you. I feel like maybe you can— Don't like it. Was I supposed to wait until you said it? I mean, whenever you think is appropriate. No, go ahead. Try again.

I'll buy 10! Sorry. Kind of the other way. Is your extended warranty at all transferable? Side note... $10,000, but I want 60% equity. Do they know what your car looks like? Could you remove the VIN plate, put it on Jordan's car,

take it in, say, this car smells weird, under warranty? Oh, wow. That's smart. Do you think the folks at Roosnack Volvo would fall for that? I don't know. That's why I'm asking. I don't know the details of the warranty. What if my cool butch best friend was around?

She was like, that's not the car I warrantied. That's the one. And I was like, hey, buddy. And she's like, I honestly don't remember you. I don't know why you thought this was going to be the start of a friendship. Yeah, I do think my... I think the problem with my stench is that

it is a psychological one. I absolutely think that's true. I do think that... But I think as soon as I take some action, I'll feel fine. You just have to have some ceremony, some sort of cleansing thing that doesn't even have to be something that would affect the smell, but in your mind it allows you to remove it from that. It takes your mind out of that place and makes you feel like you can move on.

I think you should smudge it with sage. I think that's a great idea. Got to smudge it with sage. Is it possible you've just got kimchi stuck in your nose? Oh. Hold on. Are you smelling it now? I guess this would be the way.

There it is. Okay, I swallowed it. All right. On with my life. Problem solved. Jordan was just doing a little blow to get ready to check for the kimchi. Oh, yeah. Is this what you mean by juicing?

Yeah. Yes, exactly. So, David Malky, you gave us some coasters when you came here. We made a video with you for Bullseye some time ago. Right. Where we went around in your office, which is a garage, and looked at all the equipment that you have. Now, first of all, you're a web comics artist. So the traditional equipment for that would be like a pen.

Computer. Yeah. Maybe one of those black and white handheld scanners that you... like you're watching a window. You've got to connect to the web somehow. Yeah, you have to have some kind of comics up there. Can I recommend a modem? How many baud?

28.8. Now you're talking. Yeah, I think it's about 28.8. Now you're talking. Yeah, I think it's about 28.8. I'll set it uploading before I go to bed. Yeah, exactly. Or you can just head over to an internet cafe. Ooh, this guy's been to all sorts of fooderies. And surf while you have your Java.

He hasn't got the money for a plane ticket to Japan, Jordan. Right, I'm not a world traveler here at the Tate Museum. I'm over here in the quiet house just watching all of you fly overhead. It's just him and John Krasinski. So what kind of equipment have you got going in this office of yours currently? So I will be clear that I have – it's a shared space with my colleague and he's the owner of the equipment. I get to use it for free all the time. So I have the better end of this deal. How did you – see, now I had to – man. And you're not even a possible friend-seeming butch lady that seems like you could be their friend if you just lured them into your co-working space.

Coworking space. So there are in this space presently five industrial lasers and one UV printer, which is like an inkjet printer that can print on items rather than simply paper. And a bunch of just miscellaneous computers and things. But the main things are the laser engravers, three of them by Trotec, two by Universal. These are big name lasers. I like a Trotec. This isn't a Kirkland signature laser. So why does your office mate have all this stuff? So his business is in making game tokens.

So if you ever play a game, like there's a miniatures game called X-Wing. And if you go to a tournament because you like playing games, like as I know you fellows do, then you might get a special token that's engraved with the name of the tournament. And my colleague makes those. Cool. And so he makes them in vast quantities, hundreds of thousands, using the laser machines. Like a special X-Wing? Not the actual X-Wing. It's like a round piece of plastic that's a marker or a ruler that you would use in playing the game.

You bring your own miniature X-Wings. Oh, it's like you get your own little Monopoly thimble. Similar, similar. But it can't be an X-Wing. Well, in this case, it's a two-dimensional object. So it's as if you got a special Monopoly piece that would look like a picture. That's a guy that looks like a horse. Yeah.

I've seen Star Wars. They wrap him up with a string. And so what happened was I needed his help for a project. I did this game, Machine of Death, that involved a special fancy wooden box if you were one of the people who wanted to pay extra. And using his laser machines, he made those for me just as a service provider. We became friends. It turns out that I got a lot of dumb ideas, and he had a lot of machines that sometimes were idle. And we decided to do a little talent sharing, which has led to now we share the office space together.

Now his mouth is his. His mouth is his. But if okay, I can use those lasers after hours. So he's just waiting for him to contact me. Ooh, after hours lasers. And so the coasters that you mentioned are— Sounds a little sexier than regular lasers. Well, the good thing we have a coaster so that you can prevent all this moisture that's being emitted from the two of your excited bodies.

You keep staining the surfaces that you're on. Sure. And you take that moisture and just transfer it to a cat. That's right. That's right. When you start to see them get brown and it starts to smell really bad. Glug, glug. So the coasters are one of several products that we have developed in concert with one another.

As I design, he manufactures. And then when we go to our comic conventions, your comic cons and so on, Jordan knows, then these are another item that we can sell to people who might like that sort of thing. I'm so impressed at your industry, David Malky. You could have stopped with making a very funny webcomic, but you have a restless brain that needs to

make weird things with lasers. There's a very simple impetus behind it, and I'll explain it to you if you'd like. I would like to make money from anybody, somehow, any possible way. Oh, interesting. So comics are great, and I love comics. I hope everyone will read my comics and buy everything related to them. But if they don't want it, I would like to make something else that they might buy.

Maybe a coaster. Who knows? We'll try it. I have some lovely. I bought from you at the Comic Con. I bought some lovely coasters that look like Super Mario coin blocks. Yeah, that's a famous. Set a drink on one today, and it worked great.

Worked great. Appreciate that recognition. Not a ring on my coffee table. I'm hoping that that's a generic enough icon at this point in the culture that I could just make some coasters of it. Oh, you have not checked? You know, I opened a Make magazine. You guys know this magazine. Formerly, currently edited by our friend Mark Fraunfelder.

So, great magazine. I'm a subscriber. And I was looking through there, and they have different projects you can make. And one of them was a crocheted Mario pipe that you would use to put around your coffee cup or something like that. And when I saw that, I thought, okay, some of this iconography is just owned by the culture at this point. Yeah. This is the people's. This belongs to the people.

So, hey, I mean, I think door's open. Just go ahead and throw Wario on some shit, huh? Wah! Wah! And that's the part I know about Wario. Yeah. He says wah. Yeah. I mean, that's basically all there is about about Wario. Yeah, he says wah. Yeah.

I mean, that's basically all there is about him. Okay. I think he likes treasure as well. Oh, interesting. Now, is Wario canonically related to Mario? Oh, now the podcast is starting. Okay, all right. Now we can get into it. What's your question?

Is he related to the Marios? Because Mario is Mario Mario, right? First name, last name. Yeah. I don't know if that is Kanaan. I think that is something that the movie established. I see. Which I think everyone would like to forget.

My understanding, and you can correct me if I'm wrong about this, Mario Mario is the regular fellow with the red overall. Right. His brother Luigi, his brother shares his last name. He's Luigi Mario. He's John Leguizamo. Okay. That's where I'm wrong. Because where I was going with this, and now maybe it doesn't make sense, we know about Dr. Mario.

Right. That's a gentleman with a last name Mario. Could this be Giovanni Mario, M.D.? Oh, this is the third brother. He wanted to try the game thing. His brothers are really into it, but he's more of a bookish fellow. Their parents are more proud of him. After the one game, he's like, you know,

you have your fun. Collector you coins. Can you fix things in your house? I'll be over here. I always have the impulse to, and I am occasionally successful. Really? Yeah. So the other day, you know, in Los Angeles, it gets so dry

that these ants come in your house for no reason. You know how normally ants are looking for something? Here, they're just like, oh, I just got to get out of the heat. You know, just get out of the sun. They live underground. But they'll come in your house and like, you know, usually they're coming for sugar or sometimes they're coming for a protein. Right. But these ants are just looking for water and they can't keep water out of your house.

This isn't some old cat. It's not like you have animals that need to have open water anywhere. Exactly. So the ants will come in. So we get the pest control guy come, and he pointed to the vent on the side of my house in my attic. You know, there's like a louvered kind of hole there. You know, there's like a louvered kind of hole there. And he said, you know, this louvered hole, you got to cover that with something or else rats and birds and stuff could come in.

I was like, we did cover that. We covered that. When we first moved in, somebody else said that you got to cover that hole. So when the handyman was there, he was like, do you mind covering these holes with chicken wire or whatever? And he said, yeah, no problem. But then he said, no, take a look at it. And he shined his big flashlight up there. He's like, I don't think there's anything on there. I was like, oh, shit.

Because this is not, this is obviously not a handyman level job unless the handyman is already going to be there, right? Like when we first bought the house and moved in, there was like a list of 15 things that had to happen. So we just said, hey, handyman, why don't you come for three days and just do a bunch of stuff and we'll just make a list

and you can just bang it out. You're going to do a much better job than I will. But just this does not justify, like I'd have to pay the handyman $75 or something. Well, here's my opinion on the louvered vents and so on. Those vents are to allow heat to escape your attic. And if the vents are fully blocked, then what's going to happen is the air in your attic will be trapped, and it will make your house warmer, and it will make your air conditioning have to run longer.

Yeah. Because that heat will seep through the ceiling. So the ideal thing is if air can circulate in your attic, they have fans that you can put on that vent for that purpose. So if the chicken wire is in place, theoretically that would allow air movement but not rats or so on. So it's possible that – I mean rats and other burrowing animals are very crafty. So it's possible that they've maybe pushed it out of place if it was tacked very lightly. It's also possible that they maybe got that issue of Make Magazine. They made themselves a drink koozie in the shape of one of the tubes from Super Mario,

given how crafty they are. And once you get that tube, you can go anywhere with that thing. Just go in the top of it. So, look, I know how to use a hand tool. I got a ladder. Sure. I got some—I ordered a wire cutter because I didn't have a decent wire cutter. I have, like, a little rinky-dinky wire cutter for cutting like an electrical wire,

but not for cutting like a big fat chicken wires. And I got some wire. I got all the things. And I got a staple gun. I didn't have a staple gun. This seems like the thing to have. I have a staple gun. All this stuff cost me $40 at the end of the day.

$10 for chicken wire, $19 for a staple gun, had to buy staples for the staple. Like it all added up to 40 big ones. Plus the gas to get there. And I have a window of like 20 minutes to do this job because it's like I can't do it while the baby's sleeping because it's right outside his bedroom. And I can't. Then I have to take care of the kids and I can't have the baby running around the house with me in the attic on the ladder. So I go get the ladder, I put it in, I climb up in there. First of all, I had never been in my attic.

My attic is difficult to access. There's like an access hole in like a little tiny kind of hallway room. I don't know what a square hallway is called, but if you imagine that, that's where the access hole is. That's a den. Yeah. No, because it's the width of a hallway. Is it a loft? It's like, you know, we're talking about like

three feet by three feet. Could it be a kitchen? Yeah, it's a kitchen. So it's, you know, and you got to lift the roof up and then you got to put the ladder there. And even my ladder, which is probably a six foot ladder, like just barely tall enough to get up into there. So I lift myself up in there. It is a thousand degrees in there. There's no floor. I forgot that there's no floor.

So you're walking on the joists. I'm walking on the joists and there's an air conditioner up there. And so, and it's a big air conditioner heating cooling deal. And so there's pipes going everywhere. Ducts. Ducts. Ducts going everywhere

and there's not much room anyway. So I have to like turn myself backwards and like go legs first underneath some ducts. And this fucking hole is the furthest one away. And I am literally,

within seconds, I'm literally sweat rolling down my face. I have to figure out how I can carry a stable gun, a wire cutter, and the thing.

You've got a tool belt. I know. You should have a fucking tool belt. It's an extra fucking $40. What does a tool belt go for these days? Well, you can return it

when you're done. Yeah, I guess so. Leave the tags on. Spied it. Radio shack. So, I guess so. Leave the tags on. Despite it. Radio shack. So I get over there. Guess what there is on this fucking thing? Yeah, that screen's still on there, isn't it?

Yeah, there's a fucking screen. He did put a screen on. Yeah. I couldn't see it from behind the air conditioner. Just use your new wire cutters. Cut it off. I'm literally crawling on all fours with one knee on one joist and one knee on the joist one joist apart, you know, two and a half feet wide. And my hands on the things, pouring sweat down.

I'm never fixing anything again. It's not worth it. I wouldn't even have felt good if I did it. You know, I was going to say, as you were telling your story, if you're looking from the ground into the attic, how would you even see that the chicken wire was or wasn't there unless a little bit of the light hit that wire? So it's very possible that he looked at it, didn't see it, even though it really was there. But here's the thing.

He said that you need to put chicken wire there. Keep rats out. And birds. Sure. You know what I said? Birds in the house would be cool. Some people pay for birds. Yeah! Get them

in here! I hope it's a macaw. It's funny, like when one gets in the mall. Can we have a quetzal? I love their beautiful tails. You could also put a ladder on the outside of the house to see if the – No, it's too high.

It's too high, David. Not with the ladder you have. I don't have a 20-foot ladder, and I'm certainly not going to put it up in my garden. Well, excuse me. I'm sorry. I understand the integrity of your garden is very important. So anyway, the moral of the story is I lost about five pounds of water weight and I'm wondering if I could use

your subcutaneous fluids machine. It's just gravity. It's just a drip thing. But, you know, if you mechanize it, that would actually add a lot of efficiency. Just power wash that fluid into that cat's body. Yeah, blast that cat. Blast that cat.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, two, one, two, three, four. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy. And I'm Sydney McElroy. And together we're the hosts of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. What does that mean for you, the podcast consumer? Well, it means that you're going to get a lot of stories about how we used to do weird stuff to people in order to try to fix them. Do you know that we used to think diseases were caused by bad smells? And that we used to eat mummies for medicine. We'll see you next time. It's available every Friday wherever fine podcasts are sold or at its beautiful, picturesque home at MaximumFun.org.

All right. Yeah. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. The secret is out. I, Open Mike Eagle, officially had a wrestling match. And on the next Tyson fights, I'm talking all about it. From the rap battles that got us started. Open Mike, you ain't ready.

Oh, really? Just call her like some forget it. And to how I hurt myself in ways I didn't know I could. That day and the day before, I got so many texts from people who really care about me who were like, please don't break your neck. The only place you can get the full story is on the newest episode of Tights and Fights. Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. David Malky, mayor pro tem. I just found out in the break, Jordan, you go to one of these comic cons, which David Malky's at, you can pay him $20, $40. I'll draw a little picture for you. That's right. That's nice. I feel like this is a bargain. I had a man at Dave's booth at Comic-Con.

Not Dave. No. But a man at your booth. I showed him a picture of my cat, and he drew the cat. Yeah. So Sam, my colleague Sam Logan, he's a native of Vancouver. He does the same circuit that I do convention wise. We see each other all over the country.

And he is a comic artist. He has a comic long running sort of manga style comic graphic novel series. However, when he goes to conventions, some people know the work, some people don't. His main thing is doing commissions of either you or your kids or whatever in a costume. Or the new thing is people's pets. People love to get an original drawing of their pets. It's great. I really like it.

I really treasure it. Well, and it's a special thing. Sam's got a great cartoony style. And he'll take a photo from your phone and then he'll just draw your dog dressed like Obi-Wan or whatever it is. Or just your dog. And it's beautiful. And he does twice, three times the business I do with those sketches at a convention. I hired Megan Lynn Cott, the artist who designs our Max Fun pins. I hired Megan Lynn Cott to do a watercolor painting of my dogs for my wife.

Easily, comfortably the most successful gift I've ever dogs for my wife, easily, comfortably, the most successful gift I've ever given to my wife. And I've given my wife valuable jewels on more than one occasion. Well, one of the interesting things about this, I mentioned people come year to year. In Sam's case, people will come and say, you drew my dogs last year. We have a new dog. We need a new portrait of the new family. Sometimes that goes the other way, unfortunately. Sure, we need a picture of our dog in hell. Finally, he'll get his just desserts.

Yeah, burn. But it's interesting to think that there are some people that have sort of family portraits of the state of their petdom at different points in history, all drawn by Sam. Sam Logan is his full name. I should be clear. Samandfuzzy.com. So all different points in history you're talking about. Back to the Paleolithic.

Got it. Yeah, sure. We can do a cave drawing. Got it. We can do one of those impressionist dogs. It's all a bunch of dots. Yeah. You can do a cubist dog where you can see all his eyes on the same side.

I saw that documentary about him, the Werner Herzog one, Cave of Forgotten Dreams. That's definitely his work. Yeah. Okay, when something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206- 9844-FUN. Is it better if it has a cadence? No. It seemed wrong while I was doing it.

Yeah, yuck. I felt like I had to check in after. It's like seeing your dad cry. Or you can just record. You didn't find that liberating? It's a common thing in the clientele. Seeing your dad cry? No, I was scared.

Oh, I guess even dad's cry. You're scared. What's wrong with dad? Do we have to move? Did someone put a faucet in his face? Yeah. He's been in the attic for an hour. He's dripping sweat.

Sure. I dripped sweat on my wife. I had to get my wife to hold the ladder so I could come down. It was fully like just like I was supporting myself at almost like armpit level and reaching out my toe to get to the top step of the ladder you're not supposed to step on. Yeah, inappropriate ladder use. And yeah, while my wife was steadying the ladder, I dripped sweat on her face. It's marriage. It's what it's all about.

Anyway, Jordan, you can also record a voice memo and email it to us at jjgoe at maximumfund.org. And what's nice about that is you're looking at high fidelity. Well, yeah. I mean, whatever modem you use, if it's a sufficient bod, get that message uploaded. And you know what's nice about high fidelity, Jordan? Breakout role for Jack Black. Sure, yeah. American clown.

Great, beautiful voice. Yeah, incredible singer. Got to show it to the world. Mm-hmm. Anyway, jjgoe at MaximumFun.org for our segment Momentous Occasions. Here is our first Momentous Occasion. Yo, Jordan, Jesse, Go. What's up? It's Chris from

Chicago. I was actually just listening to the episode of Janet Varney. I'm sitting in traffic here and there is a big pack of bunch of cars and there's a utility vehicle that's trying to plow

through the left lane to get to an accident or something. And so he's honking his horn, continuing to honk and get irritated and everything and sort of motioning for the car in front of him to move over. So that doesn't work. So he gets on the loudspeaker, and in the finest Chicago accent I've ever heard, he goes, Move to the right lane. Move to the right lane. Move to the right lane.

Step on the gate and move over. I thought that was really funny and a very Chicago incident. So enjoy the day. Love the show. Keep it up. That's great. I hope he was using a hands-free device, though. I don't like people calling us from traffic.

I'm wondering if traffic was as busy as he claims, how could the cars have a place to move to? That's a good point. If you're a utility vehicle, you need to get someplace. Use the shoulder, unless maybe there's no shoulder. I'm not much of a Chicago... Things are busy on the loop. ...additionado. Am I right? Yeah, you gotta get that

hot beef sandwich. Italian beef. That's definitely correct. Yeah, you got to get off the loop. You know where you could go to get a good look at things? Right around the corner. How about this Sears Tower? Yeah.

Oh, it's called something else now, isn't it? Yeah, Wrigley Field. Yeah, Sears Tower is now Wrigley Field. Comiskey Park, I believe it's called. I had a couple of those beefs. I had a few beefs last time I was in Chicago. Good beefs. I had one of those. I had a couple of those beefs. I had a few beefs last time I was in Chicago. Good beefs.

I don't mind those beefs. Pretty tasty. Pretty good. You get that jardiniere on there? Oof. They do have a good bean in Chicago, famously. Oh, yeah. But they don't call it Beantown. No.

Interesting. That's a problem. That's Atlanta. Right. Famously. Yeah. And you would think that Atlanta would be called Hotlanta, but that's Boston. It's because there's two beans in Atlanta, so they claimed that nickname.

Ah, yeah. The town of two beans. The rivals. The rival beans. Well, when one side of town makes a bean and the other side of town can't let that stand, they've got to make their own bean. You've got to make a bigger bean. Make a bigger bean.

That's what America's all about. Remember that part where he forgot from where he goes, I love beans. Big fat juicy beans. Guffin's good. We didn't watch movies in the quiet house. No movies. You guys didn't watch a lot of movies in there, I imagine. Not in the quiet house.

Movies are too loud. Yeah, I can't. Let's take another call. Let's move this show along. Move dinner right. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is Foster from Let's take another call. Let's move this show along. Move to the right. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is Foster from up in B.C. Just calling with a momentous occasion. Last night I was hanging out on my deck, just drinking a beer, smoking a little bit of newly legal marijuana,

and I had to go to the bathroom. Didn't really feel like going all the way inside to the toilet, so I just got up to pee off the side of the deck into the bushes down below. It was pretty dark, couldn't see where I was aiming, and then I heard a rustling in the bushes, and out into the moonlight jumped this big, beautiful deer, just covered with my piss. Yeah, I gave a pretty good shake, sent piss flying everywhere,

and then bound it off into the night. I thought that was pretty magical. Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. Love the show. Have a good one. Cheers. There's no explanation for how he got kidnapped by a cement mixer.

I assume because he was calling from Canada, he was just on a Zamboni. It was like how that other guy was commuting on the freeway. This guy was just was just on a Zamboni. It was like how that other guy was commuting on the freeway. This guy was just commuting on a Zamboni. Up in snowbound Vancouver. And again, when you're using your Zamboni, use your hands-free device. We don't need you.

Oh, boy. Wait, Brian just told us that was a voice memo. You're like, I've got to find the perfect place to record this voice memo. That's right. Near the super collider. How about my apartment building's laundry room right after the big intra-apartment building football game? You know what? This fellow, I think, made the right choice with his urinary actions.

But I feel like there was one element of it that he missed. He didn't insert the needle into the deer so that it could go internally. It'll soak up some of the fluids, but not all of it. Mix it with that hot pink mess in the deer. I assume it's also pink with a deer. Oh, yeah. Deer and cats are related in that their insides are both pink. Pink insides.

They're the only two. Turns out those are the only two. Yeah. Very surprising. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

David Malky, mayor pro tem. Well, it's been a beautiful hour and a half or so. It sure has. I'm so grateful to have known the two of you. Is this dying? Bad news, guys. Wow. Well, at least

we got to have one more pretty good podcast. The time in the attic really took its toll. Before you head out on that ice flow. You get in that boat, set on fire. Get on that boat, have yourself that Viking funeral you've always wanted. I had a bucket list and actually crossed off all the things. One of them was meet someone from Venice.

Well, yeah, mailing address. But these mailing addresses. It's close to Venice. Well, yeah, a mailing address. But his mailing address is close to Venice. One of them was gain twice-removed access to a laser, industrial laser. Yeah, five of them. The good kind. Yeah, you probably won't be around long enough to actually use it, but it's nice to know that you could.

You could ask David. You could ask his friend. The only thing that one of them was record another pretty good podcast. And my final one was think of any reason at all for someone to try listening to the podcast. I failed on that one,

so I'm going to die on that. Yeah, that's hard to say. You have to put that note right in a mailbox. Just before you die. Listen to podcast if okay. Your ears are yours. Your mouth is yours. Your ears are mine. I was going to say if you do have some unfinished business, just stuff yourself with a fermented cabbage or radish and die and come back as a cabbage ghost.

I do have a question about the cabbage and I don't want to Monday morning quarterback this. Yeah. You know, obviously you got this leftover kimchi. Mistakes were made. You wanted to take it home. It makes sense that you would put it in your car, but could you have put it underneath the car, behind the wheel? Nobody would have touched it.

Yeah, I mean, that's not a bad solution for that. I mean, you didn't know that it was going to be an issue in terms of the smell, but if you got kimchi again, I mean, just consider it. Yeah. I actually use a takeout container of kimchi fried rice as a hide-a-key. Oh, sure. Just bury it in there. Nobody gets into that.

So it's magnetic and it's attached to my wheel well. On the inside. Yep. Yep. But that just leaves you swallowing a bunch of keys. Get up in the middle of the night. If I'm peckish. Slide under your car. Certainly. Yep. But that just leaves you swallowing a bunch of keys. Get up in the middle of the night. If I'm peckish. You slide under your car.

Certainly. Yeah. What kind of protein was in there? You have a protein in there? No, I don't think so. Oh, interesting. I think it was just the kimchi fried rice. Just a real simple.

Simple. Simple preparation. Nice, yeah. Any extra veg in there? Just rice and kimchi? Oh, you know what there was in there? There were little egg bits and some little ham cubes.

Yeah, that was really good. You go to unlock your car and you get a handful of kimchi and then you say, wait, if this is my kimchi, then where's my unlock fob, which you'd swallowed earlier? Yeah, that's good. Oh, no. That was the sound

of me pressing it. You have to start jabbing yourself in the abdomen. Time to eat some grape nuts and wait to shit out that fob. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. He's the one you hear laughing all the way through our soundproof booth. Our guest, David Malky, he is the author of the hilarious webcomic, Wonder Mark. And it is genuinely hilarious. Every time I look at Wonder Mark, I think, man, David Malky. He is the author of the hilarious webcomic, Wonder Mark. And it is genuinely hilarious. Every time I look at Wonder Mark, I think,

man, David Malky's taken the comic strip and made it funny. Finally, someone had to. Someone had to. Yeah, really socking it to Ziggy with all your jokes. You got a new Kickstarter that's going up. I think people will still have a few days to donate

to Seg Kickstarter if they're listening to this promptly. That's right. What are they getting if they donate to this thing? So you get a collection of Wonder Mark comics in a hardcover format.

So it's a really nice book. It's cloth bound. It's got gold foil on it. This is a premium product. I think we've learned that David Malky takes his merchandising seriously. So you can expect

a high quality product. And I can confirm from a third-party perspective that Malky delivers every time. That's right. And so the end of the month will be the deadline on the Kickstarter. We've already funded.

The book will get made, but people can jump in to reserve a copy. We have a couple of those stretch goals, which are just the book gets bigger. I got more comics to put in the same book the more money we raise. But if you miss it, if it's over, we can still get the book. You can preorder it anyway, just not on Kickstarter.

Now, if people don't do this, you're going to stop watering your cat? Yeah. No, this is a threat. It's definitely a threat. When you're in dire financial straits, the first thing to go is cat fluids. Well, and the cat has had a good run. He really has. He really has. He really has.

Not unlike Wonder Mark. You know what? I think I should stop watering Wonder Mark, and if it gets a little brown around the corners, that's just, I've already artificially extended its lifespan enough. Yay. If you like Jordan and Jessica on Facebook, I'll put up the link to Malky's Kickstarter there, and you can check it out. And I got a little short URL for it, if you like.

Let's hear that URL. Wondermark.com slash book. Ooh. That should be easy to read. Now, what does book stand for? It stands for- Big old- Big old-

Oklahoma. That's right. Yep. O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A. I had to sing it just a little bit bit off just so they don't sue us. Ida Rose. I'm Oklahoma. You know, I grew up in the quiet house.

No singing. Fair enough. Fair enough. You can find us at MaximumFun.reddit.com. On Reddit, you can find us on Facebook by liking JordanJesseGo. On Reddit, you can find us on Facebook by liking JordanJesseGo, joining the MaxFun Facebook group there where somebody posted an article about how millennials are so cranky because they were forced to eat carob as children. No. Tracks.

Yeah, I mean, that's MaxFun related, right? I mean, not all millennials' parents didn't have a car and it was too far to the store that sold real chocolate, which was my personal childhood circumstance for a variety of reasons. It was around the corner. David Malky, always a joy to see you. Thank you very much for coming by. It's been my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. Give your family and your juicy wet cat. I hope he still eats.

Hey, you know, guys, there was an obvious joke that I think none of us made, and I really appreciate it. Oh, thank you. Good for us. Yeah, we're the best, aren't we? Well, you're welcome, America.

Goodbye. Bye.