Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 555: Halloween Sporktacular with Virginia Jones

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

Virginia Jones joins Jordan and Jesse on this special sporktacular episode to talk about the horrifying audition notices she gets that are very specific about their pubic hair requirements, the truly terrifying crime-robbing that Jordan experienced this week and how it would be dramatically different if it happened last week, and the kaiju-centric museum exhibit that saved Jesse's weekend outing with his daughter.  Plus, Virginia dazzles everyone with her mathematical Dracula facts and a trick to foil vampires with a handful of rice.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan. Boris Morris. Oh! Are you, uh, like, uh, the Russian guy from... Is that why you're dressed as a Bullwinkle character?

No, no, no. I'm not Boris Badenoff, Bullwinkle's foe, nor am I fearless leader, Boris Badenoff's boss. Oh. You're Boris Yeltsin, the president of the Russian Federation. That's me, baby. Did I have some weird thing on my head? No, that was Gorbachev. Pass the vodka.

Hooray. Famous Russian guys. This is my Halloween nickname as a tribute to Bobby Boris Pickett, author of the Monster Mash. So I'm Jordan Boris Morris. Oh, that's great. Yeah. That's a lot of fun. We should mention this is our Halloween sporktacular. Yeah. That's a lot of fun. We should mention this is our Halloween sporktacular.

Yeah. A tribute to multiple use eating implements. And, you know, in general, KFC. It's a wider tribute to KFC. Can I ask you a sincere question before we introduce our guest? Is it about Bobby Boris Pickett? No. Okay. If I invited you out to

Kentucky Fried Chicken right now, you and me heading out, getting some thighs. No girls allowed. What would you say to that? Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. KFC's great. Yeah, I kind of like KFC, too. Yeah, absolutely. KFC is great. Yeah, I kind of like KFC too.

Yeah, like most fast food. I don't like it after you've eaten it. No, right. Yeah, immediately as the last bite is done, you want to burn it to the ground. But, and, you know, less is more. Eat sparingly. Yeah. But, yeah, KFC really delivers in the right context.

That fucking soupy ass liquidy coleslaw. It's a drink. It is a mayonnaise drink. It's essentially a soft drink. It's like a soft drink with mayonnaise and cabbage added. You could slurp it. Yeah. And it's great. I mean, you could slurp it. Yeah. And it's great.

I mean, you could have it as a dessert. Sure, yeah, you could. There's probably enough sugar in it for it to qualify as a dessert. I love that shit. Yeah, it's good. Are we starting a rivalry with Elliot Kalin of the Flophouse? Oh, who loves Popeyes. He's a passionate Popeyes devotee.

Right. I mean, any excuse for a rivalry. I think that could only help us. Oh, God. Let's rival passionate Popeyes devotee. Right. I mean, any excuse for a rivalry, I think that could only help us. Oh, God. Let's rival this shit out of those fuckers. Fucking Dan McCoy often sending me a nice note when he liked something that we said on Jordan Jackson. Yeah.

Hey, motherfucker, I can be a sadder cat guy than you. Let's see who's the saddest cat guy. Fun flop-ouse humor. Listen to the Flophouse, everybody. These are very fun jokes if you don't listen to the show. So funny.

You know what the problem is? If we try and have a rivalry with the Flophouse? They'll win. Yeah. Number one. Better. Funnier. Number one, more popular.

Number two, better and funnier. Yeah. Number three, we need to add a handsome guy. Sure, yeah. I mean, look, we're not the worst looking guys in the world, but neither are the less handsome guys on the Flophouse. They're also perfectly good looking. None of us are awful looking. It's just that Stuart's too handsome to be in podcasting. What if we added a worse looking guy?

Like Mickey Rourke. Or Boris Yeltsin. Or Boris Yeltsin. The Or Boris Yeltsin. Or Boris Yeltsin. The late Boris Yeltsin. You know who don't look bad? Who's that? In his prime, Bobby Boris Pickett.

Really? Our buddy and recurring guest Sarah Morgan sent me a YouTube video of Bobby Boris Pickett doing his follow-up to the Monster Mash, The Monster Swim. It's a summer-themed monster song to kind of cover his... Yeah, Jesse's doing the swim right now, and he's doing a great job. Yeah, I'm doing the mash. Cool. Looks like you're jerking off a couple dudes. Yeah, well, that's what inspired the mash.

Sure, went in the graveyard. Yeah, one day Chubby Checker was... But yeah, I think Bobby Boris Pickett wanted to, you know, kind of increase his visibility. So he's like, okay, well, I got fall on lock. What can I do for the summertime? So he has the monster swim, but the monster's having a pool party. Bobby Boris Pickett looking like a snack. God damn, he was handsome.

Looked like a matinee idol. Just like a... Some real tasty cakes. Bl handsome. Looked like a matinee idol. Just like a blonde. Some real tasty cakes. Yeah, just like blonde, fresh-faced. Anyway. Was it one of those situations where, like with Chubby Checker and The Twist, where the song was a hit and Bobby Boris Pickett happened to be wandering past Dick Clark while they were playing it on American Bandstand.

They grabbed him and said, lip sync to this quick. No. Oh, the monster swim. No, this was prepared like a big octopus comes out. It was like it was a production because I think that is what happened with the twist. If I'm not mistaken, Chubby Checker is not the singer on the twist. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I think it was a hit.

It was a recorded. It was recorded. Like, they wanted to run it on American Bandstand. Chubby Checker was standing there. And they just put him on. They're like, you're a black guy. Well, that's the lesson. Stand near Dick Clark, I guess. Is he dead?

Yes. Yes. Well, stand near him in hell. If you're listening to this from hell. You're suggesting that Dick Clark went to hell. Oh, man, stand near him in hell. If you're listening to this from hell. You're suggesting that Dick Clark went to hell. Oh, man, that dude did some shit. That's what he did. What kind of shit would you guess?

If you had your- Oh, envy. Yeah. Certainly not sloth. Not sloth. Looked great up until his demise. Avarice? Which I only learned about now.

I don't remember what Avarice is, frankly. Yeah, hard to say. It's probably jacking off, right? Well, jacking off two dudes while you're doing the match. Sure, you gotta. Our guest on this week's program is a Halloween favorite around here on Jordan Jesse Go. She's a stand-up comic here in the Los Angeles area, and she's credibly wearing black lipstick right now.

Virginia Jones. Hi, Virginia. Hi, guys. How are you? I'm so glad to get sporky with you. So I think Chubby Checker- Just don't tell my wife, huh? Chubby Checker, the twist was not originally his.

He was kind of like a novelty song guy in parody songs. And his name is a pun on Fats Domino because he was doing an impression. Oh, chubby checker. And so it was kind of an insult that he incorporated and took on as his persona and destroyed partner dancing. Oh, wow. Take a twist. Take that. It was all about solo. Yeah. Masturbatory. Oh, wow. Take a twist. Take that. It was all about solo.

Yeah. Masturbatory. Exactly. Dancing. One time a guy in college. Selfish. There was this guy in college who always wore a Yale sweatshirt. And I was kind of like, I'm not going to lie to the two of you or to America.

I resented him for wearing a Yale sweatshirt because I'm like, come on, we all go to UC Santa Cruz. Sure. Like, I don't know what you're trying to prove. The Yale of Northern California. Yeah. Well, the Yale of the Monterey Bay area. Sure. Except for possibly CSU Monterey Bay.

Yeah, yeah. You know, probably the Monterey Bay Aquarium. That would be number one. Well, because those otters know how to use rocks to break open the shells. Yeah, they do human stuff with their hands.

They could go to Yale. Oh, yeah. That's basically the application to Yale now, is you have to send a video of yourself doing human stuff with your hands. Anyway, one time this guy

who always wore a Yale sweatshirt sat down at my lunch table in the cafeteria. And I'm nothing if not a gracious host. I'll talk to this gentleman. He's sitting there, you know. Yeah. Had you been quietly resenting him up until this point or was this the first time you were seeing the Yale shirt? No, he wore it all the time.

I had resented him thoroughly. Sure. North to south, east to west. What are you doing in this Yale sweatshirt? We all go to UC Santa Cruz. The UC that sometimes surpasses other UC.

So he sat down and he wanted to talk about his interest in social dancing. Which would be square dancing? I guess like some kind of friendly version of ballroom dancing, like non-competitive ballroom dancing possibly. Social dancing means partner dancing. Then it encompasses things like ballroom dancing, but also square dancing, and also there's

different permutations based on kind of dancing in the old way. There's many, many different flavors, but social dancing generally means partner dancing. How do you know this? I'm excited. I have a dance background. I've done stuff. Yeah? You know, I'm the best tap

dancer in this room. Ain't that the truth? Yeah. Although I have to say... Hold on. Tap off. Tap off. Tap off. Tap off. Which one of us is doing the tap off? Tap on, tap off. Sure. I'm probably the best Afro-Haitian dancer in this room.

I think that that's probably true. Jordan, what type of dancer are you best? Oh, I was going to say I'm the gassiest. Which is a dance of the butt. It's kind of a dance one does with one's butt. Yeah. I did the whole swing revival. I did the whole lint pop.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the jazz dance and all that stuff. I have passing, passing ballroom. I can follow enough that people don't think I'm a total street idiot. Can you Charleston? Oh, for sure. I'm a total street idiot. Can you Charleston? Oh, for sure. I'm sorry. Do you want 30s Charleston or 40s Charleston? Oh, wow. I like your new character, 80s Valley Girl Charleston Snob.

Actually, I'm... There was sort of like shit-talking lady version of Detroit Red era Malcolm X. Sure. That's how I saw it. I like it. I mean, speaking of – I mean, yes. I think maybe the like specific dance that I could do would be rooted in the late 90s swing revival. Because you can do it to Scott.

Why not? Why wouldn't you it is i i forget that i had an interest in that until i'm a little drunk at a wedding and then i'm like it all comes flying back it is a it's a weird fugue state i go into where i no matter what's playing i hear the brian setzer orchestra if i've had if i've had four free wedding drinks, every song is Jump, Jive, and Wail. Have we ever talked about the time that I was listening to public radio in Los Angeles

and a story came on and I was like, why is this story on? It was about a local swing club. Not a dance club like a... The Pasadena Ballroom Dance Society? Like a dance organization that may have been what it was sure and my stepdad plays trombone in that oh yeah so then sometimes

bill nye shows up that's what i was about to say so sure yeah i'm like why is this on the radio what is interesting about this this was 10 10 plus years after the swing revival maybe 15 years after the swing revival and yeah 15 years after the swing revival. And yeah, four fifths of the way through Bill Nye was quoted. Like they're just like Bill Nye, known as Bill Nye the science guy is a habitué. That's the Lindy groove at Masonic Lodge in Pasadena. Sure. There you go.

Virginia, something interesting that I like to hear from you around this time is what – because it's – so Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year. So LA is just fucking doing Halloween for a week basically. What is it like you as an occasional Lyft driver? What kinds of Halloween fucking bullshit have you had to deal with well um i i did have some bullshitty bullshit on on friday night i um it's actually uh passenger was going to the la comic-con thing oh sure yes i was at the Haunt. I had a lovely time. And lady, I see her up the street. And I first perceive that she's wearing jeans with like a lot of intricate holes in them. And as she's coming towards me, I'm trying to parse out.

I'm like, it doesn't really like make sense. You're thinking maybe she's into like glam metal. Yeah. Or like, yeah, these are just shredded up. Maybe that's she's cosplaying Axl Rose. What she's wearing as she gets closer to the car is a pair of panties and venom body paint. Oh. But the thing is, it's not real body paint.

It's been done with like poster board acrylic. Oh, dear. So it looks great, but it's shedding constantly. And also her writing partner was the biggest, can I say jabroni on this podcast? He was the biggest. I mean, if you want to get a suit by the Iron Sheik, you can. He was the biggest, like, just East Coast dude. Like, he was like, babe, we're going to just like, I mean, it's going to be like, we're gonna be instagram famous like after this like you look so great you look so hot so she had a

guy with her who was he was not in costume no okay he was just dressed as a a dude okay so she just had her boobs out just boobs out boobs out uh covered in paint so that's not i guess but and then of course when she got there this seems like whether that counts or not. Right. It seems like the most 12-year-old boy argument we could have. Is it? Well, it's probably legal if it's covered in paint. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is also happening in full daylight. And I'm not a prude. My main issue was when she got out of the car. You wish she was painted as Carnage. Yes. Venom's friend. My main issue was.

I know they're not friends. They're not friends. You were painted as black suit Spider-Man. Sure. And the timelines were clashing. Right. Yeah, it was very confusing. Yeah.

She left a fine dust, a micro dust of black acrylic in the back seat. And half a bottle of a Powerade flavor that looks like Windex. So I was very aggravated. These sound like Powerade fans to me. These sound like a couple of Powerade drinkers. Well, I mean, you're going to dehydrate if you're – They'd get a Four Loko if they could find it. If you're completely full of egg tempra. Sure.

All your pores. If you're completely full of egg tempra, sure. All your pores. I had a lovely time at the L.A. Comic Con this weekend. I heard you had a cosplay adventure. I was a last-minute fill-in for someone on a panel about comedy writing. A successful comedy writer dropped out, and they had to see what they could get. They got on the phone tree, and they're like, well. I was happy to do it.

Yeah. Hello, is this Mike Schur? Yeah, it is. It's me, Mike Schur, you said. Yeah. Uh-huh. Noon on a Saturday. Talking like the teenager from The Simpsons.

Yes, and I'm happy to. If you've got paint on your boobs, it's not illegal. I am happy to be somewhere at Dune on a Saturday. And so we were doing this panel. It's going great. We're having a real fun time chatting about comedy and the business of comedy. And, you know, you're looking out over the – you know, this is a conference room. So, you know, harsh overhead lighting.

You can see everybody. Anybody who's doodling, anybody who's texting, you can see it. So it's a little bit of a weird situation to be speaking at. Z-O-M-G Jordan Morris, LOL. Right, yes. So many people texting Z-O-M-G Jordan Morris, LOL. So I could also see the people who were coming in, kind of sneaking in late. And so this line of people is coming in. So just picture this.

So in comes Spider-Man, followed by Wonder Woman, followed by Santa. They are together. They're a group. Wonder Woman and Spider-Man, that already doesn't make a little bit of sense. DC Marvel, you know. What happened? Maybe she was babysitting. already doesn't make a little bit of sense. I mean, DC Marvel, you know. What are you going to do? What happened? Maybe she was babysitting.

I don't know. Sure. But Santa. And also people are just cosplaying as Santa? I immediately, the second that you said Spider-Man was coming in, I pictured, okay, so Spider-Man came in. Then another Spider-Man. Oh, sure. Then three more Spider-Mans.

The famous David Letterman segment. How many Spider-Mans can fit in the job? David Letterman said, do we have any more Spider-Mans? They said no, so we started sending in wizards. Yeah. No, just the one Spider-Man. Yeah. Very tall, great shape, this Spider-Man.

Really? Oh, boy, yeah. And he was the classic Spidey. He was, you know, his suit, and there's a lot of different Spidey suits. Yeah. And I think interest in of different Spidey suits. And I think interest in the multiple Spidey suits has been reawakened by the Spider-Man PS4 game, where buying multiple suits is, it's a real treat. This, to me, I clocked this as the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man, which has its supporters. This man amongst them.

If you are a Spider-Man cosplayer, these cosplays, the costumes are not, it's not like the kind that you buy at Target where it has built in muscles, right? It's pronounced muscles. Sorry. So do you, if you are a really premium Spider-Man, say, anyone with a full stretch suit, do you have to get your bod tight

for the big cons? I mean, this guy clearly did. I mean, and this is a regional question. Right. And it's a great question. Thank you for asking it. If you're in LA, yeah,

you better be ripped, bro. You better be keto-ing and bone marrow drinking and all that crap. If you are in Minneapolis,

get your fat ass in a Spiderman suit and have fun. You know, it's like, like cosplayers in LA areA. are like they could. Yeah, they're two inches from models. And you do see like girls, especially like in, you know, early spring going, I have to

start dieting down to my comic con weight. You know, it is a concern. Right. I got to get down to my huntress weight. Exactly. Can I ask you a question? Because if you were out driving during the con, I think the most distressing thing I've ever seen in Los Angeles was one year I was downtown during Anime Con. And anime con at the very least. And it was summer. And it was over 100 degrees. And these poor lost teenagers were wandering everywhere in downtown Los Angeles in these wild 25, 40-pound outfits.

You know, just like full. And just I don't think I've ever seen anyone look more lost and sad. Like I have seen people getting off boats from Haiti who looked more comfortable. And together and happy than these people wandering around downtown. Because downtown Los Angeles, especially the part around the Los Angeles Convention Center, not particularly friendly to the pedestrian one way or another. So the pedestrian- Yeah. The pedestrian who's wearing a 40-pound Ultraman costume is really in a rough spot.

Sure. But nobody's going to mess with you because of your Keyblade. So if you're worried about, you know, tufts... Man, I saw a dope Kaiju exhibition today. Oh, yeah? Yeah, my daughter and I tried to go to the Museum of Contemporary Art

in Little Tokyo, and it was closed. There was no signs that said it was closed. Just no doors to go in. So we went to the Japanese-American Museum next door. Oh, I've heard that downstairs Kaiju is a lot of fun. that said it was closed, just no doors to go in. So we went to the Japanese American Museum next door. Oh, I've heard that downstairs kaiju is a lot of fun. Oh, it was so fun. So apparently there's this dude who is a, he's like a third generation Japanese American. But when he was a kid, his aunt in Japan sent him some kaiju toys in the early 70s. He became obsessed with them

and has the world's biggest collection of vinyl Kaiju and Kaiju fighter hero figures in the world. And then he eventually- Check it out, an Ultraman or a Jet Jaguar. Yeah. Well, there was also a guy called Lion something. That was my favorite one of the heroes. He has a lion head.

Anyway, so this guy, eventually he was an illustrator. He was a commercial illustrator. And when commercial illustration went out of business, he started his own company inventing his own kaijus and heroes, including Max Man, who was named after his son, and became a kaiju artist. Man. Did you guys enjoy the internment camp exhibit? You have to go out through when you go to the Japanese museum? There's a variety of tones in this museum, I've been told. Yeah.

When I went, it was the Hello Kitty Sanrio exhibit. Amazing. But there's really no way to get out except for through the internment camp exhibit. We're going to do a little sweet, a little sour. My daughter watched the documentary about the guy. There's like a little screening room

with, you know, just like in an art museum or whatever, a little screening room where you watch a five-minute or seven-minute documentary about the artist. And it was a sweet little documentary. And she wanted to watch it. She watched it two and a half times. Then I had to make her leave because I was like, I can't watch this anymore.

But there was a solid 60 seconds of internment camp material in there that I think they just like in order to have it. And look, no disrespect intended for that horrific national outrage slash tragedy. But I was like, I could use more kaiju stuff in here. I like these kaijus.

Sure, yeah. I'm with my seven-year-old. I'm not sure whether I should break into this to explain the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II.

I'm busy trying to explain who the lionhead Man is. I did Halloween art stuff today. Oh. I actually stopped by the Mocha on Grand Street because they have a Jackson Pollock that has a fly stuck in it. Whoa. Unintentionally?

Unintentional. You know, he's just slapping house paint. You're going to hit a fly every now and then. Every once in a while, a fly is trapped. Like, this is the most art historical fly. But the lady at the thing said it wasn't on exhibit. So I went to the Broad where I saw this piece, Jordan Wolfson's female figure. She's a sexy, horrifying robot.

What about her is sexy? What about her is sexy? What about her is horrifying? She's dressed as a stripper and she's got big white stripper boots and she's wearing a very sexy outfit. Her silicon butt is out. And then she's wearing a goblin mask and she has filed down teeth. She's a real, like, butter face. A real goblin face. She's a real, like, butter face. A real goblin face. She's a real goblin face.

And the whole thing is you walk into this room and for seven minutes you're in there with her and she's dancing and talking. But she also has face recognition software. So she's finding your eyes in the mirror and holding your gaze. Sure. It was great. And the funniest song that she danced to was Graceland by Paul Simon. I'm like, this is non-traditional.

Do you feel compelled to tip? That's some Portland shit right there. That is some Portland shit. No, she was great. And it was, it was one of those things where I saw a video of her a couple of years ago without context.

And I was so relieved to find out it was a piece of art. I'm like, the Japanese are not making horrifying sex robots yet, right? We got a couple years. No, just standard ones. Lead time on that. Just regular. Just regular. Not pointed demon teeth.

But, yeah, it's free at the Brody. And they know how to groove to Ladysmith Black Mambazo. Well, once that bass solo hits. Of course. You can't stop me from grooving to that, guys. No, whether you're a monster, whether you're a human, robot. I saw a dope kaiju named Melted Wax, man. Ooh, sounds like you had a kaiju-rific day, man.

It was, well, I got to tell you, if you're going to take your seven-year-old to a museum that's closed and then you just are desperately trying to figure out what to do to prevent a total emotional meltdown and you walk into the museum next door, the internment camp museum, and you pay your $18 and then you notice that there's an exhibition of Kaiju toys, that is like the greatest outcome you could possibly imagine. Two big thumbs up. Do you think this will cause Grace to want to watch all the Godzilla movies? You know, she asked me about Godzilla. She said that was her favorite one. And I said to myself, I said to her, that's Godzilla.

I knew this one. Sure. That's Godzilla. He's a very famous creature. You said to the docent Godzilla. I knew this one. That's Godzilla. He's a very famous creature. You said to the docent, daddy's got this one. By the way, the docent was Elliot Kalin from The Flophouse. I'm sure, yeah. That sounds like a delightful time.

It was a great time. Let's talk. Let's have more seasonal talk when we come back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boyd. Oh, sorry.

Jordan Boris Morris. I forgot. It was Halloween. I'm Virginia Jones, semi-professional goth. Jordan Jesse Goh, of course. Every single week. And all you Jordan Jesse Goh listeners know this because you're already on board this train, baby. Every single week brought to you by all the MaxFun members who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate to support the show with a few bucks every month.

God bless each and every one of you. A fine fat goose for you all. No, don't promise them that. Do you know how much it costs to ship a fine fat goose? Jordan. You've ruined us. Jordan. You've ruined us.

We're going to be male and gooses. It's not fraud. I'm wearing body paint. Oh, okay, cool. Are you sure you don't just have a symbiote? Yeah, well, I did go into space in a giant space battle just before I started reading comic books. Well? Like 1987 or 1988 or so.

Sure. Instead of 1989 or so when I was like eight or nine when I started reading comic books. Yeah, well, I'm glad we took time to parse that. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Away, makers of first-class luggage at a coach price. Jordan, you're the owner of a fine Away bag. Oh, yeah, I love it. It is a great bag for like a long weekend. It's fun to pack.

It's got a charger in it, so if you need to, like, charge your cell phone or your tablet, anything that's powered by a USB cord, a single charge of the Away Carry-On will charge your iPhone five times. It has a built-in compression system to squish your socks and underpants. Yeah. Until they're as tiny as is physically possible. You know what they say about Away bags? Squish them undies. I don't know if they want us to say that, but we are.

It says here in my notes, actually, that the slogan is the bag with the USB power away, juice it up. Oh, juice it up. Okay. I thought it was squish them undies. It says juice it up. There's also a lifetime warranty, so I'm sure yours hasn't broken. No. But if it did, you could just get a fix or get a new one. They replace it for life.

Hello, is this away? Yeah, my wheel chipped. Great, here I have some new wheels. Yeah. That's what they would say. No sweat. I'm willing to wager, if you're listening to this, maybe you got some. I got three bucks says.

Win, place, or show. If you're listening to this, three bucks on red saying that maybe you got a little holiday travel coming up. Thanksgiving. Boxing day. No others. My mom's birthday. How about that? Sure.

Yeah. Judy's birthday. Listen, if you're going somewhere for Judy's birthday this year, get yourself an Away bag. Again, I have never owned a nicer bag perfect for a long weekend for one of those short trips. You can do no better than the Away bag, in my opinion. Jordan, you can get $20 off this Away suitcase at awaytravel.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO at checkout. Awaytravel.com slash JJGO and use the code JJGO. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Green Chef, a USDA-certified organic

company that includes everything you need to easily cook delicious meals you can feel good about. Jesse? Yeah. We're going to get into it in the next segment. Yeah. But I've had a week, my friend. We've had a rough week. A whole week, huh? You know what was good

about this week? What was good about the week? I mean, A, finishing it out here with the two of you. Oh, thank you, Jordan. Two of my most cherished friends. Thanks, Jordan. But also, I just happen to have a box, a lovely box. Who would you say you cherish more? Oh, I mean, I cherish you both differently.

Can we arm wrestle for it? Yes, I cherish the winner of this tap off, tap off, tap. But I was lucky enough in the middle of kind of a rough week to have a box of Green Chef food. And it really, really helped. What they do is they deliver these wonderful prepackaged recipes to your house, each ingredient thoughtfully sourced, and the journey tracked from planting to plating. They got a bunch of meals, paleo, vegan, vegetarian, keto, gluten-free, omnivore, and carnivore. It was just so nice in the middle of kind of a hectic week where I had, you know, hard to get to the store,

It was just so nice in the middle of kind of a hectic week where I had, you know, hard to get to the store, you know, didn't want to just blow a bunch of money on takeout to have these prepackaged meals ready to go. I had some lovely meatloaf and gravy, great comfort food. I had a nice African spiced pork chop before I came over here. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah. If you're thinking I had a little extra spice today, it's because of my African spiced pork chop that I just ate. I was thinking you were a little porky. No, yeah, I did watch porkies while I was watching it.

Does not hold up. Nope. Hey, if you want to get 50 bucks off your first box of Green Chef, you go to greenchef.us slash JJ Go. 50 bucks off, greenchef.us slash JJ Go. 50 bucks off. Greenchef.us slash JJ Go. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. Love you, love you Love you, love you Love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne America's Halloween, sweetheart?

Whoa! I'm not Spooky! Everyone sees right through my bullshit I'm a Thanksgiving celebrity if ever there was one Jordan, Boris Morris Virginia Jones, fancy dancer I'm a Thanksgiving celebrity, if ever there was one. Jordan Boris Morris. Virginia Jones fans to Dancer.

I'm a Christmas celebrity. Are you? I was on the History Channel show. Oh, I thought you were Mr. Heatmiser. No, I'm Santa, you know, from L.A. Comic Con. Oh, sure, yeah. Jordan. That famous geek icon, Santa.

Look geeking out over Santa. I'm really into Santa. I've been into him a long time, since I was a kid. I'm so fucking sick. You're a Santa nerd right there. I'm so fucking sick

of fake Santa fans. Thank you. Oh my God. Santa can't come lately. You're like, yeah, just because when the fucking

Santa Claus comes out, Right. You're saying you're so into Santa. Where were you before? I've seen all the Tim Allen movies. Yeah. I. You say you're so into Santa. Where were you before? I've seen all the Tim Allen movies. Yeah. I did an audition this week, you guys, as a Santa for the millennial generation.

Oh. Oh. What's this Santa like? It's me. Sure. And they were like, let's do a scene where you're hitting on a guy at the bar. And I was like, I have so many kinds of cookies at my house. Do you like French cookies?

I have French cookies. I can't eat them by myself. Wow. Yeah. So I didn't book it. I don't know why. Sorry to hear that. I always do like something fun about being friends with Virginia on Facebook.

Fun slash also occasionally horrifying is seeing the audition notices that you get. There are some there's some doozies. You know, I have I have a themed collection of audition notices. I like to focus on the following. They're asking you to be naked or a prostitute. And it's for no money. That's sure. And it's great because like there's some of them are super specific.

Like you need to be a size two long hair wearing your own lingerie we're not going to pay you we're shooting on the streets of north hollywood like it's amazing yeah um and you know sometimes i'll see but i hear that's how sally field was discovered yeah virginia bad news i booked that part. You son of a bitch. Yeah, and I haven't been a size two since college. Yeah, some of them are pretty amazing. I'm a four. I always am surprised how many of them

will specify bush length. Some of them have to do where bush length is an issue. Gotta ask for what you want, I guess. Yeah, maybe that's the lesson here. You know what bush length I always specify in my audition notices? Four more years.

Four more years. Sure. That's good. Yeah, I did like one that was like, this is for a very well-known musical artist. Just send us a picture of your bush. It's artistic because we say it is. And because it's Bonnie Raitt. Sure, yeah.

You want to work with Bonnie. You got to. You got to have a full bush to work with Bonnie. I'm Bonnie's manager. That's right. Yeah, so no, I do have on my Actors Access account, I have both headshots. I have full bush, shaved bush.

I don't want them to have to guess. And then one where your bush is dressed like a doctor. In a little lab coat. Those four panel bush shots. I don't want them to have to guess. Yeah. Business bush? Yes.

I think the best thing about being your Facebook friend is cat updates. Cat updates. I like to let people know what the cat's been up to. Because I don't always think to ask. That's true. But Jordan, I saw on Facebook that you had a harrowing week. I did have kind of a harrowing week. I alluded to it in our ad segment.

Okay. I want to tell the story of my harrowing week. So it's a story of my harrowing week. But I want to, so it's a story about my apartment being robbed. I just want to speak to our listeners real quick. I know you are some sweet motherfuckers.

You're some sweet, loving, kind You sweet You're some kind, selfless motherfuckers. You cane-juiced little fuck faces please this is taking a turn you little molasses baby pusses

oh boy you gotta audition for molasses baby puss rides I please resist the urge to start a go fund me for me don't feel like you have to mail me any stuff I have renters insurance Please resist the urge to start a GoFundMe for me. Yeah. Don't feel like you have to mail me any stuff.

I have renter's insurance. Okay. Good work, by the way. Thank you. Thank you. Through the fine folks at AAA. My mother was robbed. She did not have renter's insurance.

I was stunned. Yeah. And it was a big problem for our family. Oh, boy. This was years ago. Don't worry about me or my mom. Sure. Do not. It's Judy's birthday coming up.

Yeah. As we all know. So, yeah. So, I came home on a weekday around 4.30-ish, and I noticed the door was a kimbo. A jar. Like the knob. A jar. It's not a jar. Okay, okay. I'm sorry. It was closed. Doesn't a kimbo. A jar. Like the knob. A jar. It's not a jar.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It was closed. Doesn't a kimbo mean fists on hips? Yeah, like your elbow's out like this. His door was out like this. Yes, my door was at a saucy male model pose. It was really strutting its stuff, huh? It was like the knob was wonky.

I imagine it wearing like Roy Rogers Western wear. But it wasn't open. It was not open. It was closed. But it had been jack. It was not open. It was closed. But it had been jacked with. Something was jacked. Right. There was a jacked quality to the door.

Got it. So I go in and just some, there's a lot of shit on the ground. And I don't keep my shit on the ground. Different shit than you left the house. Different shit than I, like I left a certain kind of shit on the ground. And then like just some stuff on the ground. You've got a clean, comfortable apartment. So I'm like, did the cat go a little crazy?

What's happening? And there were a lot of robbers in there. Yes, exactly. And then I looked back at my door and a chunk of wall was gone. Oh, shit. So it was like, oh. So I immediately thought about the cat. Right. I'm'm like i god i just want the cat to still be here looked in my room she's on my bed like a little fucking angel i grabbed her i put her in

her carrier and i ran her out and put her in the car because that's the thing in case we need to escape yeah because you thought it might be an earthquake. Please continue. To California. As someone who's walked into a robbed home on more than one occasion, there's no wrong answer there. Yeah. Everyone will do something. You will do something crazy. Sure. Who knows what it is? It's fucking terrifying.

I'm like, oh, my God. I know how to swing dance. So, wait. There was a hole in the wall there was like there was like a big shot you could see the wall boards so there's just a piece of plaster so it looks like someone had kicked in the door but then closed it to cover their tracks oh very clever so i started looking around and i just you almost probably missed that your home had been robbed yeah i was probably really close it was was probably, yeah.

So I think, so what happened was, and I've pieced this together. Here's my theory. Okay. Based on talking to some of the neighbors. So one of, there's an empty unit in our apartment building. So it is like getting kind of loudly cleaned. And I guess some

fellas were coming around, knocking on the doors and saying, hey, just so you know, we're cleaning upstairs so it's going to be a little loud. And I guess some fellas were coming around, knocking on the doors and saying, hey, just so you know, we're cleaning upstairs, so it's going to be a little loud. So I think they were at once testing for empty apartments and giving an excuse for the sound of a door being kicked in. Yeah. So, you know, they were they were. Because you guys live in close quarters. That was my I'm like, you have a million neighbors. Yeah, yeah. I do have – it's a smaller building. It's like 10 people.

I'm on the ground floor. I guess it happened to one other apartment. And yeah, it was interesting what they took. So they took my laptop. That was maybe the biggest bummer. It kind of stinks. I maybe lost a little bit of writing that I was working on. Not the end of the world

but then they took some very like it was interesting what they took and what they didn't so I this is going to come off like a brag I'm a man who up until very recently had two video game consoles

I had a Playstation 4 and I have a PlayStation 4, and I have a Wii U that is a failed Nintendo system that I bought drunk two years ago. Took everything related to the PlayStation, Wii U's fine. They actually left you an Atari Lynx. Yeah, right.

They replaced my PlayStation with a Panasonic 3DO. If you look under your pillow, you might find a Game Boy. Oh, ooh. Advanced or regular. Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle, here I come. God, I want to play Bugs Bunny Crazy. Yeah, sure. Did they take your Alexa?

Is she okay? They did take Alexa. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. Alexa, come home. If you can hear, they're in the sound of Jesse go. Just know that I love you. Oh, my gosh.

What if she hears this? Just send me a sign letting me know you're okay. You have a near romantic relationship with that Alexa, too. Near? I know. You and that Alexa. Sure, yeah. Alexa, comfort me.

Sure, yeah. Alexa, comfort me. Sure, yeah. Alexa, tell me you're proud. Tell me I've made the correct choices. Yeah, so they took my Alexa. They took my little Bluetooth speaker that I use to listen to podcasts while I'm doing the dishes. Yeah, and they took a- You're not going to be wearing headphones in the house like a real weirdo. They took a half-drunk bottle of tequila, but not a closed bottle of mezcal.

So apparently they don't have sophisticated thoughts. They don't like the smoky flavor. They don't like the smoky flavor. Maybe they don't have any thumbs. They can't open the bottle. Okay. They could be. These could be iguana men.

Scrabbling at it. Look, there's a lot of jobs you can't do if you don't have thumbs. That's true. And that drives you to crime. That is a good observation, Virginia, because that eliminates raccoons. That's true. And people who couldn't get into Yale because their hands couldn't do human things. And they took a vape pen, but there was a pre-rolled pack of joints just hurled on the

floor as if to say, good enough not my strain maybe they thought they were american spirits though they could yes these were hipster iguana men these are early 2000s hipster iguana men who love pbr yeah um yeah so it's a very weird it's a very weird feeling it was just it i'm like do i move i guess i don't move i guess the apartment is safer in a weird way um because they have already broken in and found out that i don't have any shit so did you feel like crying and throwing up no not really just moving just like that's my i had an impulse like i should just, I should just pack up now. You feel invaded. Your personal space has been invaded. Yeah.

Anyway. I'm so sorry. Yeah, thank you. No, but it's – yeah. But I'm being really present now that I don't have – I mean I'm only – yeah. I mean now that I'm reduced to only having a Wii U, I can just think about – but here's – I had just – It's opening your creative mind.

I had just beat Spider-Man. So I think if this would be, I would feel very, very differently if they. If it was a week ago. If it was a week ago. Talk about ants in your pants. I know, right? Anyway, so. Spiders in this case.

Yeah. Spiders in your drawers. What's the most crime robbing that's ever happened to you guys virginia the most you've ever been crime robbed you've been crime robbed yeah i mean i've had cars stolen yeah and thanks and what's terrible is every time a car has been stolen from me it's been recovered in just meth fuck fest condition you know it's like the police are like well i mean the seats are torn out but it still drives like it's it's fine i'm like great do you think my playstation 4 is involved in some sort of meth fuck fest right now yeah i i i think so uh pretty pretty clearly

yeah um i i've never been i've never had my i've never had my my robbed. I did in college. I was dating a guy I called the Dutch chess master. Hey, we've all dated a Dutch chess master. I mean, come on. I have not. I dated a Norwegian chess master for a while. Oh, yeah. You know what?

Close enough. Colder, though. Sure. The first time I went to his house, he didn't have a television set. And I was in college. So I was like, this is hot. This is the sort of person that I need to be associating with. Right.

Someone who's so busy being a chess master and doing the other. They don't have time for the idiot box. Exactly. For the little hypno screen. And we were together for several years. And we moved in together. And within the first year, he's like, well, I'm thinking of getting another television. I'm like, what happened to your television?

He's like, oh, one time I was just running down the street to 7-Eleven to get a super big gulp of Diet Coke, and I left my door and my window open, and my television was stolen. I'm like, oh, you're an idiot. Oh. That takes some of the mystique off the Dutch chess master. And I was like, oh, I'm already kind of living here. How about, now, your mommy was robbed when you were a wee one. Yeah, I mean, I grew up in the inner city. In the rough and tumble streets of Oakland.

I have probably been jumped as a kid probably six or eight times, but not since I was like, probably not since I was maybe 16. By the time I was like a six-foot-tall person and also had the skills to avoid that, it was not a concern. Also, I never had anything to take. All the times that I got jumped, you know, a gun, a couple of knives. I never like got beat up, but they just take my money. But I never had more than like $2. But my mom's house got – yeah, my mom's jewelry, which she did not have insurance for.

And, like, literally the only thing that saved my entire family from destitution was my mom has no savings. She's 70 some years old. Literally no savings. But she has a lot of valuable shit in her house and they only stole the jewelry they didn't know about the fucking art or whatever i mean why would they oh i did get mugged uh by um you know that's in la like people like oh you've lived in la for five years have you been mugged yet and i did get get mugged down by LA River in Frogtown. And they didn't get anything.

And I didn't, you know, it's like I just, because I just, and I've taken a lot of, like, when a woman gets attacked, they're like, oh, you should do self-defense classes. You should take, you should, you know, judo. And like, that's my purse. And like, you know, I have a ton of martial arts. arts by the way if you're doing both judo and that's my purse that's called mixed martial arts yeah no for sure i've done a ton of martial arts training i used to compete as a boxer and train other women and when and when push came to shove when a man was holding a tiny knife at me and pointing at me i just screamed repeatedly who the fuck are you get the fuck away from me like that's my nature is i am a kardashian like that's my core no fists were

thrown like i ran out i just screamed at him and then i talked to the police and they said you have no business being by the river after dark and i said that, that's true. Yeah. I mean, what were they scolded you? What were you doing down there by the river? It was my sister's looking for polywogs. Exactly. I was exercising and it's a beautiful place to exercise and there's skateboarders and moms and dads and kids and just all sorts of stuff right until dusk. And then everybody's gone. Kaiser.

So it's like, and it just happened and I didn't notice. And then, uh, and then I had to talk to the police, but I'm fine. Um, I didn't have my Alexa on me, so it's gone. Kaiser's like, and it just happened. And I didn't notice. And then I had to talk to the police, but I'm fine. I didn't have my Alexa on me, so it's fine. I get to carry my Alexa around like a little baby. The most fun part of my conversation with the police was they said, do you know what street you live on? And I said, why, yes, I live on the street of the second Manson murder house, the Bianca house. Oh. Yeah.

And everyone knows where that is. You were ready for that. I feel like if you get anything positive, one time, all the times that I interacted with the police as a kid, the one time a nice lady police officer gave me a ride home after I got jumped, got jumped at Church and Market Street in San Francisco, right in a fucking bus stop in front of 12 people and uh i was very grateful a nice man in uh who was working the bar in a gay bar that we used to be right there called the transfer uh called the cops which you know i know the cops were not involved in most of these situations as you can imagine and like the cops came and they're like look uh it was probably

some kids from the school down the down the way uh get in the car i'll give you a ride home tell me if you see them and um that was like the only time in all the times that i've interacted with like when when my mom's house got robbed we were just staying there with like broken down doors and shit and like the police came like three days later and like dusted for prints for five minutes and said, just so you know, nothing's going to happen. Bye. Yeah. I. OK.

Were you able to get the print dust off? I think I'm I think that's just a part of my wall now. I think it's just a design. Anyway, what have you tried? I had some I've tried a couple of different cleaners. Yeah, they put the adhesive thingy on and then they put the dust on.

Here's the thing. Well, when you move out, they'll paint over it. Yeah. I think that now, as a 37-year-old man, I have gotten to the point in my life where nothing like this, outside of that incident in my mom's house, I have not been targeted for violence or crime in 20 years now. And I think that the strength I developed from crying a lot after the other times it happened protected me for a time. I think there was a time between when I was 16 or so and when I was 25 or 30 where I had an air of a guy that you shouldn't mess with and that was part of the reason why I didn't

get messed with. The other part probably was six foot three. But I don't think that hurts. I think that helps. But those two things were looking out for me. I think now I have no – I would fall apart so immediately. And like there was a time in my life when I was a teenager when I saw that as somebody being a mark, you know. But like at this point, I'm like, I'm a dad. I don't even – what?

I – I disagree a dad. I don't even – what? I – I disagree with you. I think when push came to shove, your dad nature would arise like a protective grizzly bear. I feel like you would surprise yourself. Or like the powerful boners that created my children in the first place. That's a great defense. I guess if you're being robbed and they see you getting a visible erection. I think that's a crime-fighting power.

This dude's into it. They're like, give me your money and nobody gets hurt. And I say, who wants to mash potato? Well, thank you, Daddy. Is that a knife stick in your pants? Something interesting that the insurance man asked me, and I think this is just part of his spiel, was do you have a picture of yourself with any of the things they took?

I think that is for people who get cars and things stolen. Right. Or paintings. Yeah, or paintings. I think you, but yes, I mean, maybe, should I start taking a picture of myself with my video game consoles? I mean, if you've got the iCloud for photos, we may as well just take a picture of every four inches of your apartment with yourself in it.

Are you prepared to have an aesthetic lifestyle? I mean, is this going to change everything for you? Are you just going to be you and a Game Boy and four clean sets of clothes that you wash every four days? Oh, right. Yeah. Like a roadhouse. Sure. Yeah, I'm going to go full roadhouse.

I'm going to – listen, here's all I need to go full Roadhouse. Four sets of clothes. Yeah. A Game Boy with – How many Spider-Man suits? Oh, boy. Yeah, I definitely want a black one. Spider-Man 2099 and, yeah, Iron Spider, let's say.

Okay, okay. But I think what I need is a Sam Elliott figure now. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, so if there's anyone out there who's grizzled, if anyone's grizzled and has a, But I think what I need is a Sam Elliott figure now. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. So if there's anyone out there who's grizzled, if anyone's grizzled and has a, you know. Do you want me to call Canaan?

Yeah. Oh, Canaan could be my Elliott. Oh, that would be amazing. I mean, that's a same age Elliott, but that's fine. Yeah. But, you know, he's got a wisdom. Now, I want to emotionally prepare you guys. Have you seen Kinane lately?

He has looked very fit and clean. He shaved his beard and he looks like, he really looks like Charlie Brown. Yeah, he looks really sweet. Well, that will not work for my purposes. I mean, he still talks like this. Yeah, he's still got the company voice. Yeah. And I told her, that's not how pistachios go.

So, let's take a break. We have some Halloween-themed phone calls coming up. Halloween adjacent, Brian told us. Ooh, adjacent. So a few November 1st phone calls. But if you're out there and you're grizzled, get at me on Twitter. Show me some grizzled pics fantastic and uh maybe i will wisdom i will let you be my mentor gorgeous we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go In a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts.

A world where Casey Affleck has an Oscar and Angela Bassett does not. Only one podcast is brave enough to call bulls**t. Who shot ya? With Ricky Carmona. A lot of people don't know, Porgs, Puerto Rican. Alonzo Duralde. I would eat oak jaw. April Wolf.

I want to interrupt and say that the fish man was real sexy. Drea Clark. I have a real soft spot for King Kong. And women of color. I was like, damn! Right, Kugel got final cut. Kugel got final cut! I just felt like the film was so sour and so completely irrelevant to basically anything in life.

Who Shot Ya? Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Are you tired of trying to keep up with the news cycle? Is bad stuff happening too fast for you to process? Don't you wish there was an easy way to find out about only the most important info you need? Hi, we're Lisa. And Emily. Why don't you try our podcast, Baby Geniuses? On each episode of our podcast, we discuss a weird Wikipedia page such as...

Flatulence humor. Clamato. Catalan witches. Slippy, the Microsoft office helper. Death during consensual sex. And the talking mongoose. We ask each other stupid questions. If you got a packet with like 300 seeds in it,

what kind of plant would you choose the seeds to be? That felt like you were assigned to ask me a question and there were certain words you weren't allowed to use. We talk about Martha Stewart, her pony, and other celebrity horse news. Ben Chunch.

Every other week on Maximum Fun, Baby Geniuses. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Thanksgiving sweetheart. Jordan Boris Morris. Virginia Jones, swatch enthusiast. Oh, that's fun. Do you actually like it? Do you have a collection?

I do have a collection. What's your prize swatch? My prize swatch is called the... Can we guess? Oh, yeah. I'm guessing 1988 Seoul Olympics. My prize swatch is called the – Can we guess? Yeah. I'm guessing 1988 Seoul Olympics. I'm guessing Fido Dido. It's got two people making love on it.

Ooh, a sexy swatch. It's a rare one. One of those fuck swatches. How many swatches are we looking at? You know, it's like eight. It's not so many. That's more swatches than most have these days. Yeah, but when I was a kid, it was the thing.

Swatches are back, though. Did they ever go away? No, they didn't. Not for Japanese people, but I'm still trying to think of the name of my swatch. It's the name of that. Oh, it's called the Kamasutra. Ah, yes. But, yeah, I was walking down the street the other day and I had like four swatches on

and I thought, this is it. I'm self-actualized. This is all I wanted. Yeah. There's nothing else besides this. Yeah. There's only swatches. If I got robbed, whew, those swatches.

Yeah. Those are worth tens of dollars. Yeah. I felt the same way I was walking down the street drinking a Fruitopia. This is it, man. I was like seeing a teen in some checkerboard vans. Okay. I get that.

Cool. You guys in checkerboard vans talking about Thanos? Yeah. That's what I did. Don't get too hot outside that expo. Yeah, right? Anyway, I did overhear some teens talking about Thanos while wearing checkerboard vans. I didn't think you were making it up.

I'm really worried about the gays in Thanos. Because they like him in the fanfic. They think he's a thick daddy. Yeah, sure. Daddy thick. Oh, homosexuals. Yeah. I thought you were talking about the Thanos gays.

I thought that was a women's studies thing. Right, sure. But like, Thanos is not a nice guy. He's not gonna be a sensitive lover and he's gonna kill you as soon as he looks at you. I don't endorse it. I don't endorse the Thanos fanfic. I don't think. I think it's a fantasy. You don't have to actually... Don't add me

with your Thanos fanfic. How does... That's a problem for me, too. God, I'm so tired of the toxic environment on Twitter. People are constantly adding each other with Thanos fanfic. I understand what you say. But they're like, you know, what if you ran into Thanos and you were in a bar or something? You're like, yeah, like a big gold hand, daddy.

Yeah. Can I ask a question? Sure. About a guy from the point of view of a guy who has not seen Avengers, Thanos attacks. Yes. And who has not read Fantastic Four comic books. Is he a bad guy from Fantastic Four? He spans the Marvel universe, but he mainly pops in for like crossover events. Okay.

But he'll mess with the Fantastic Four, although you may be confusing him with Galactus, who is more associated with the Fantastic Four. I don't remember him from my own comic book days. He's another immortal. I did not see the movie. Of course. Yes. Thank you. I saw people at the Halloween carnival at my five-year-old school that made me think maybe they were Thanos?

Mm-hmm. What is he? Well, are they thick daddies? What? Here's the... Okay. You'll be... Many people will be walking around and you'll see someone or something and you'll want to

ask yourself, is this Thanos? Is that what Thanos looks like? First question to ask yourself, is this a thick daddy? Okay. Second question. Do you do corporate training? Do they have a gold gauntlet with a bunch of gemstones in it? That's the giveaway.

Yeah. That you're Thanos. That's the second question. Yeah. Anyway, so I think if you answered yes to those two questions, there's a 90% chance you have Thanos on your hands. Does he look like – Thanos on your Thanos. Thank you.

What's the guy called the MF Doom looks like? Oh, Dr. Doom. Dr. Doom. Yeah. That's a fantastic foreplay. Does he look a little bit like that? Does he have a cloak and a weird metal face? He has a metal hand.

I think what you're going to see is a purple goblin face. No, that wasn't Thanos. Not Thanos. Maybe it was just a creepy robe robot. Could be a robe robot. I think I saw that. I think I saw that costume. Creepy robe robot. Yeah. Don't forget your wig, son. Robe robot. Could be a robe robot. Yeah. I think I saw that. I think I saw that costume. Creepy robe robot. Yeah. Yeah. Don't forget

your wig. Robe bot. It's just kind of a Sunday afternoon robot hanging around the house. I don't want to put on clothes. You know, it's Sunday. I'm a casual robe robot. Just gonna call just gonna call eat 24, watch a little Netflix.

Don't worry, Gato. I'm a robe roboto. Right. Anyway. When something momentous happens to you. Yeah. And if you have any questions about Thanos. There was a haunted hallway at the children's school event. How haunted are we talking?

Haunted enough. I mean, it's upset the biggest the scariest thing for me was imagining how close i was to being a parent doing improv in an elementary school haunted house for hours you're worried that you will someday be asked to participate in one of these and or that I would volunteer. I'm more worried that I'm not that far. Like if my podcast empire crumbled, I would need attention somehow. Sure.

I couldn't start a new career in performing. What better way to get it? I couldn't get an agent. You know what I mean? I would have no venues. Okay. So I'd be left. Casting about.

I'd be left playing a character in an elementary school haunted house for hours. They were in there for hours, Jordan. I mean, if you're concerned about performing, just get yourself some nice bush shots. Right. Except one. I don't have the right size doctor's robe. Oh, well. I do have a tiny hose.

So your bush could be a firefighter? Is that what you're talking about? Okay. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN. Or just hit us up with a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. If you've got a phone in your pocket, it's probably got a voice memo. The thing is you want to talk past the microphone.

You don't want to talk into the microphone. You want to talk past the microphone. Technical. Yeah. It's giving people some advice. It's a fun hint. So they don't get too many plosives. So they don't get too many plosives.

Sounds rich. Yes. 206-9844-FUN or JJ, go at Maximumfun.org. Here's our first Halloween-adjacent telephone call. Hello, this is Tyler, calling with a momentous occasion of sorts. I recently moved, and in my mail, I received a shipping catalog so you can organize and ship out things from your home business. The home business that was formerly in my house was Dracula Records,

which I can only assume is a reggae record label for Dracula. So yeah. And as Jordan will probably guess, I live in Portland. All right. Have a great day. Virginia, as one of Portland's finest, does this track to you? Yeah. That sounds pretty legit.

Yeah. Virginia and I, for the home listener and possibly for you, Jordan, I don't know how much attention you were paying. Virginia recently met Count Von Count. Sure. From the television program Sesame Street. I don't mean to show off, but yeah, that did happen. It's genuinely impressive. One of the best characters on Sesame Street.

Sesame Street's one of the best shows. Fucking great show. How did you find the Count? I was on a puppet-based comedy show called When Puppets Are Your Only Friends. And the Count was on the show. And I... Just did a drop-in? I dropped my cool. I don't usually like to mess with celebrities.

You know? I just leave them alone. But I said, man, I gotta get a selfie. Got to. Yeah. That's a no-brainer. If you meet Count Von Count, if you meet Hoots the Owl, if you meet Prairie Dawn. That shrimp. Yeah, that shrimp.

Was that shrimp, Dave? From the Muppets tonight. Yeah. Yeah. He's not the – the performer is not the original Count because that guy is extremely dead. But he's a very funny gentleman who appears underneath the Count sort of, underneath and to the side. Listeners may be interested to know that when a count is on an adult-themed, I mean, it's not dirty, but it's for grown-ups,

show, he does way less counting and way more talking about the people whose blood he's going to drink. Oh, because he's a real Dracula. He's just a regular Dracula. But what I thought maybe, I overestimated my ability to impress a semi-professional goth. But not that long ago, I didn't know this. I learned that the reason Count Von Count is a vampire is because vampires are compulsive counters in vampire lore. Right. I spit this at Virginia.

She's way over. She learned that when she was seven years old. She's so fucking galaxy-minded me with her Dracula knowledge. Yeah, they have weird compulsions, man. They like to count all the little boards and count all the little nails. And they like to know what's going on. And they have a weird thing with crosses nobody understands. They have to count.

If you, like, give them, if you, like like hand them something. Yeah, that's a thing. That's a way to foil them. There's a way to foil them is you count, you have to carry around a handful of rice. If you throw it at them, they have to count every grain before they can attack you. Oh. So like keep that on your list. You got to invite them into

your home, carry a handful of rice, say no thanks, vampire don't come into my home. That's why they don't throw rice at weddings anymore. That's right. Right. It confuses all the vampire guests. They're like, well, I don't even know where the bride and groom went.

I had one, two, three. But yeah. Dad, you're ruining my special day. Tyler, welcome to your new home and know that it's already been blessed by Draculas. Yeah. Way to go, Tyler. Man. I probably shouldn't have brought up Dracula. It just makes me really upset.

How come? What's up, buddy? I just... When I think about what a beautiful world we live in, when I think about stuff like the Grand Canyon. The Monster Mash. Flowers. Flowers, sure. Grand Canyon.

When a cloud looks like something beautiful, like if a cloud looked like a butterfly. Sure. When I think about the seashore in summer. Right. The sounds of the seashore and you find a shell in the sand and you wash it out in the water.

When Beck makes one of those acoustic albums. I think about all this. Also very beautiful. I think about all this beautiful stuff that surrounds us every day. Right. The joyful laughter of a child, that kind of shit. Yeah. And then I think about a fucking Dracula.

Yeah. Ruining it. Ruining every single place you go, Jordan. And I'm not talking about cemeteries. Right. You know your business. You need to stay out of a cemetery.

I'm not talking about Transylvania. Right. Obvious Dracula places. I'm talking about 7-Elevens. Yeah. Contemporary art museums. Train towns. Those little trains that you sit on top of.

Right. You know what I'm talking about? Ruined by Draculas. The Waffle House. You could be at a Waffle House right now. Right fucking now. There might be a Dracula in there.

I think here's the solution. I'm trying to eat waffles, Jordan! I think. Trying to buy old-timey signs. And I know we don't like to get political on this show. But it's time. There's an election.

You gotta draw the line somewhere. There's an election coming up. You have to vote. And I just want for a creature from the Black Lagoon. You feel like that's what's going to counteract the Dracula's? Yes, the Dracula's natural enemy. Wow. A creature from the Black Lagoon.

This is the honest truth, Virginia. And look at me in the eyes when I tell you this, okay? I'm ready to take it on. An election is not about picking an ideal candidate. An election is about picking the best candidate available to you. It's your job to get out there and vote. And if you're not voting for the creature from the Black Lagoon, you might as well be voting for a Dracula.

Yeah. It's time for a wave. A red wave, because all the water has blood in it. Yeah, a Van Helsing wave. Right, yes. Anyway. Or possibly it's an algae bloom. Oh, yeah, that's nice too.

I was once at a party and I had just heard a mathematic Dracula fact, which is the reason that vampires are impossible is that even if each vampire, say you may have... Hold on one second. Trigger warning for Draculas. Oh. Go ahead. Trigger warning Draculas. Even if a vampire only made another vampire like once a month, that there would become like, you know, it's a pyramid scheme.

It's a Dracula pyramid scheme. And then like within a year, every other person would be a Dracula. And that means the next day, in the last eight weeks, you can't leave your house because it's fucking Dracula's. And I thought it was a funny thing to tell this other girl at a party. And she got real mad at me because she believed in Dracula's. And you were dropping some fucking upsetting statistics. It was right when Twilight books were coming out and she was super into

T-Medalus. Yeah, this is fucking serious. I guess that's what I had to learn. I kind of... Should I go? I just think your attitude is bullshit. Tap off! Tap off! Let's take one more call.

I got to stop talking about Drax because I'm getting really bad at this show. Getting really worked up. It's a year-round issue, by the way. Yeah, it's not just for Halloween. Talk about it because it has a news hook. Jordan, Jesse, and guest. I'm calling. guest. I'm sending a voice memo

from Zurich, Switzerland, where I've just discovered that the cemetery behind my house now has a mourning outermont, like a vending machine. It has, you can have a you can buy a sympathy card, a rosary,

a weird little black ribbon, tissues, blowing bubbles bubbles like soap bubbles to to blow uh two tea bags i don't know why um a paper ship already folded in blue um some sidewalk chalk, an empty note card with pen, a grave candle, which is standard here, forget-me-nots seeds, markers and paper, and a little music box without the box, just like the little insides, that plays You Are My Sunshine. This is a very strange thing. that plays You Are My Sunshine. This is a very strange thing.

The things are all about four to five francs per item. And yeah, for all your morning needs, right behind my house. It's pretty momentous. Wish you well. You know who gets paid off all that? Big morning? No, fucking Dracula. Fucking Dracula.

It's Dracula's coming in in the night and restocking the forget-me-nots and the folded paper boats. You know, she thinks it's weird. Like when it's 3 o'clock in the morning, she says to herself, I need a grave candle. She knows where to go. She knows where to go. She's going to be thankful for that vending machine. I think we've all had the experience of 3 o'clock in the morning.

You're visiting your dead grandfather in the cemetery and all you want to do is hear the plink plonk of You Are My Sunshine. Played on little metal sticks. Yeah, the default song when something has to make a weird little song.

And you just need something to commemorate his amazing career as a boat captain. I noticed no condoms in that vending machine. That's an oversight. Yeah. Come on. Goths are going to need the kind of goths in Dracula.

Right. I don't mean to be personal, Virginia, but have you ever had goth sex at a funeral? I mean at a cemetery? Have you ever had goth sex at a funeral? I mean, at a cemetery? I definitely had goth make out. Because when you're a teenager, a cemetery is just another place where your parents aren't. Right.

Where your parents aren't and clove cigarettes are. Clove cigarettes 100% are. I don't think I ever did the gothic all the way. Because I don't like being outdoors. But, yeah, for sure. The classic goths. Listen, if only there was an indoor graveyard somewhere, then it would be on. Pipe in a little Bauhaus, set the mood.

The goths dilemma, by the way, is literally the first thing you learn in a college game theory class. Sure. is literally the first thing you learn in a college game theory class. Sure. I used to live in Portland behind the Pioneer Cemetery, which is 200-year-old graves. And I would hang out there. One time there was a quarter on a grave, and I picked it up.

And I'm like, that's weird. And I totaled my new car the next week, and I told my friend, the mortician's son, he said, you got to put that fucking quarter back, bro. Oh, it's a dead man's quarter. Dead man's quarter. You had already bought now and laters. Yeah. That's your sporky Halloween story, kids. Yeah.

Was the mortician's son a goth? Oddly, no. Yeah, that would be too on the nose. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't peg him for a jock, but. No, no, 100% not a jock. But hated vampires because of Salem's Lot in which the mortician is preparing a vampire who comes back to life and kills him. And so as a kid, he was, I don't know why he was watching Salem's Lot as a kid. But as a kid, he was very scared of a vampire killing his dad.

By the way – It's a concern. My daughter watched Return to Oz and was unbothered by it. Oh, wow. She got it as a reward. She's been so obsessed with it. She watched that shit unbothered. And I'm not going to lie.

I resent her for it. Sure. I resent her for it because – It is weird what scares you as a kid yeah it is and what does not you know it's like i just had child neighbors who just watched freddie movies um but yeah but i also guess to me the scariest thing in the world was when christopher lloyd's voice gets high and roger rabbit that is pretty scary yeah i mean i was basically just scared of the large marge.

Oh, sure. Yeah. I think that spans generations. Sorry. Large marge getting bombed by airplanes. If I heard an airplane, I was worried it carried bombs. And then I later realized, like, oh, yeah, well, maybe my dad's post-traumatic stress disorder stories about working on an aircraft carrier had something to do with that.

And then somebody breaking into our house. Which was legitimate. Yeah. Well, somebody broke into our house one time and chased my mom around with a knife until she chased him out of the house. But, yeah, but especially large marge. Yeah. Large marge is scary.

Number one, large Marge. Number two, somebody breaking into the house. Number three, the bomb. Probably number four, mummies. I was pretty scared of mummies. Yeah, mummies are scary. Because they could hide in a closet, you know? Yeah, they like it.

That's like their natural environment. Because they're made of fabric, you feel like it's like a camouflage, like a tiger. Oh, sure. They could just, right, exactly. They look like a pile of towels. Exactly. You could say they could hide in a hospital, make just as much sense. I saw somebody wearing that kind of, I saw a kid at the Halloween fair wearing that kind of camouflage that looks like a mossy hill. You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, right, the ghillie suit. A ghillie suit. That shit's fucking great. Yeah. That shit is... I think every man has it in him to want a ghillie suit. That shit's fucking great. Yeah. That shit is... I think every man has it in him to want a ghillie suit. I would love a ghillie suit.

I want ghillie shoes first. Okay. Build up. I'll go from there. You know. I'm going to get Highland dress first, then get the ghillie suit. But like, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? I'm not like Mossman.

You'll see him in an Army Navy store. Sure. And it's like a- It's like long green strings. But for swamp. And it comes off of a suit. It's for like the Scottish, it's for like a mossy- So you can just lay down?

Yeah, and you look like a, you basically look like a boulder covered in moss and brush. But then you have a gun. Sure. Pow pow! Yeah. Take that, you fucking mummy. Take that, Highlanders.

You know, memory lane. There could be only one. It's me. Memory lane, you guys. So, you know, last year, the two of us were in this room. Yeah. A night just like this,

a year ago. And you discussed. And we were all doing Irish accents. We're all doing spooky Irish accents. Oh, it's me. Spooky Patty McGilligan. 19th century New York police officer. And you were discussing the Halloween fair and how you thought it was weird when parents

dressed up and a little bit self-indulgent. And a week later, I had a conversation with a lady who was telling me about her Halloween fair and how she thought it was weird when parents didn't dress up. Oh, yeah. I didn't mean to get political. No, I bet there's, I mean, these are two camps and I think they have a hard time seeing the other one's point of view. I felt a lot of presh when I was at this one.

You're going to get yourself a ghillie suit next year. This school is much more suburban than any past school any of my children have attended. It's in Pasadena. So it's like just a – it's just significantly more accountant's children there. Right. children there. Right. And just a lot of earnest but not distinctive costume wearing.

Okay. That made me feel a lot of pressure like I should be wearing like a Dodgers jersey and a Dodgers hat or something. Or just like cowboy. Yeah. Just classic Halloween costume. Spaceman. Yeah. Anyway.

I would have loved to have seen a nice spaceman. I'm not trying to do a pun or a meme or anything. No. Maybe Halloween costume. Space man. Yeah. Anyway, I would have loved to have seen a nice space man. Not trying to do a pun or a meme or anything. No. Maybe next year. Maybe next year. We'll see. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go.

Probably not next year. Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne. America's Thanksgiving sweetheart. Jordan, Boris Morris.. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Thanksgiving sweetheart. Jordan Boris Morris. And I'm Virginia Jones, aphorism generator. Yeah.

Virginia's ready. With multiple nicknames. Virginia knows what her job is. Yes. Her job is to come here, give us an opportunity to say the phrase clove cigarettes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I had a guy in the car, and I said, where are the phrase clove cigarettes. Yeah. I had a guy in the car and I said, where are you finding clove cigarettes, brother?

And he said, oh, because they were considered a flavored cigarette and they're off the market. You can get little gross cigarillos, but Goths are not smoking cloves the way they used to. And he goes, I wasn't smoking cloves. I had a regular cigarette and I had cinnamon gum. I'm like, that's it. Ah, there you go. That's it. You jerry-rigged.

You MacGyvered a clove. I just immediately assumed there was a goth mail order catalog. Right. That just sends you. But it's like the Uline catalog in my mind. Do either of you get the Uline catalog? No. It's like cardboard boxes.

Oh, right, right. Industrial shelving. Ziploc bags. Yeah, you can get in the goth catalog, you can get in Europe, they're called Kletek Cigaretten. You can get Kletek Cigaretten and you can still get those pointy Winkle Picker shoes. Oh, yeah. Totally. Pow. Boom.

Well, it's been a lot of fun. It has. Very seasonal. Mm-hmm's been a lot of fun. It has. Very seasonal. Mm-hmm. We covered some heavy topics. Yes. But we did so lightly. Mm-hmm.

With a feather touch. And we spoke up on behalf of all of the people who are threatened across this country by fucking dracks. Yeah. And we let everybody know to get out there and cast your vote for a creature from the Black Lagoon. Yeah. Vote. Black Lagoon. Don't do one of the other lagoons.

Right. Those are bad creatures. It's not. Yeah. You're going to end up just voting for a red eared slider. Yeah. Don't do that. It's a creature from a standard lagoon.

Yeah. Black or nothing. Yeah. When it comes to lagoons. Yeah. Don't do that. It's a creature from a standard lagoon. Yeah. Black or nothing. Yeah. When it comes to lagoons. Yeah. Anyway. You don't want to just vote for a flounder. Sorry.

I'll get off my high horse. My high fish man. Stay up there, buddy. Okay. You look great. Hey, thanks. You look good up there, buddy. Do you feel powerful?

I do. Yeah, so go with it. And as the shape of water taught us, sensual. Yeah. I'm going to fuck this fish man. Oh, so go with it. And as the shape of water taught us, sensual. Yeah. I'm going to fuck this fish man. Oh, man. I'm already up here, right? Remember when they made a special sign language for did you fuck the fish man?

Yeah. It was like, yep, here's the sign for I did. What a good movie. The movie was fucking great. I love that movie. I'm friends with Doug Jones' kid. Cool. Pretty braggy.

Yeah. That Doug Jones is a sweet peach. I had him on Doug Jones' kid. Cool. Pretty braggy. Yeah. That Doug Jones is a sweet peach. I had him on my show one time. What a lovely man. I heard that show and it was incredible. Yeah, what a lovely guy. I heart him. But yeah, I did run into her right after Shape of Water.

And I'm a Guillermo del Toro person anyway. And I said, hey, man, I liked your dad in that sexy fish movie. That's a fun thing to say. Yeah. I wish I could say that just once. Your dad was a real fuckable fish man. Just one time. Guys.

Oh, what a move. Thanks so much for having me. I had so much fun being part of your Halloween sport-tacular. Virginia, where can people find you on the internet? You know, I got a website. It's bedinia.com. You can Google Virginia Jones. And I'm the one that's a comedian who's sometimes a goth

I'm findable I got a record out it's called Gothic American God I'd love it if you listened to it you don't even have to buy it just on Spotify last year I bought a whole burrito with my Spotify money that's what we're talking about hey guys let's get Virginia another burrito

let's get her another burrito tap off tap off Let's get Virginia another burrito. Let's get her another burrito. Tap off. Tap off. Tap off. Tap off. Daniel Baruela is on the boards this week, filling in for Brian Sonny D. Fernandez,

who is our producer. You can find us on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. There's always some fun chat. There's going to be some fun chat there. Oh, yeah. You know there is. Just don't talk about what the most scariest thing that happened to you as a child was. Or wanting to fuck Thanos.

Yeah. We all know. You can talk about fucking Thanos. Yeah, we all know Daddy Thicke. Yeah, Daddy Thicke. I want to fuck Carnage. Sure. It's not Venom. In a ghillie suit.

All right, head over to Reddit. What's the most fuckable Marvel villain? We'd like to hear from you. Is it Bullseye? By the way, Jordan, the reason we're asking what's the most fuckable Marvel villain, a lot of people will think that the reason we're asking that is because we started with Thanos, who's from the Marvel Universe. The reason

is not that. The real reason is that we already settled DC. It's obviously Mr. Mitzopitilich. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all want to get in that little pixie's top hat. He's a sharp-dressed man. You can kill Superman with magic.

Everybody's crazy about a sharp-dressed man. Yeah. You can kill Superman with magic. Everybody's crazy about a sharp-dressed man. Our apologies to Weather Wizard. Our apologies to Bizarro Superman. Yes, and Bizarro. And Captain Cold. You can join us on Facebook by liking Jordan Jessico or in the Maximum Fun Facebook group. If you've got opinions or corrections, negative opinions or corrections about this week's program, please do tweet them. Tweet them at JDPower.

At JDPower is the address for your corrections on this week's program. You can always email us at JJGoatMaximumFun.org or give us a call at 206-984-4FUN. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. 4-F-U-N. We will talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.