Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 556: Jump Jams with Chris Gethard

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

Chris Gethard joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the crazy magazine Chris used to write for hunting down supernatural stories in New Jersey, the recent commercial Jordan saw that sold him on cooking up some Spam, the emotional conversations Chris has had with his father about his career through the years, and the time Chris frustrated a dominatrix with his notoriously small and inverted nipples. Chris's new book, Lose Well, is out now!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, are you wearing seasonal socks? Uh, I am wearing Street Fighter socks. Oh, okay. Which is, which is the, the holiday I celebrate.

Well, Street Fighter is... The festival of Blanca. Street Fighter is the holiday I celebrate. Well, Street Fighter is- The festival of Blanca. Street Fighter is the reason for the season. Sure, of course. A lot of people say it's about the presents or, you know, the food. I say it's about celebrating the birth of Blanca. Yeah, and memorizing special moves.

Of course, yeah. So those are the two- Yeah. God. Have you ever- And perfecting your dash cancels. Go ahead. You could- It's not just about the special moves, Jesse. I mean, that's pretty basic at this point. And perfecting your dash cancels. Go ahead.

It's not just about the special moves, Jesse. I mean, that's pretty basic at this point. If you really want to up your game, you've got to work on your dash cancels. Go ahead. Jordan, do you ever wish that you could go back to Victorian times and have a white Blanca day? That is where it's snowing, not where Blanca's race is altered. He's like green or something, isn't he? He's green, yes. He is that.

If I'm remembering Blanca's backstory, and I like to think that I remember Blanca's backstory pretty easily, pretty well. He's an American boy whose plane went down over the Amazon. He was bit by electric eels, then raised by wolves, and now is a green man who fights in a fighting competition. I mean, it's a classic story. Yeah. It's the hero's journey. Sure.

But you're mad that he's not. When does he save the cat? Huh? When does he save the cat? That's my only question. He fights the cat. Oh, God. That's the old screenwriting trick.

Fight the cat. Electrocute the cat using your electrical force powers. Should we introduce our friend who's come to visit with us? I would love to. He is a comedian, a one-man shower, a television host, a podcaster, and now the author of a second book. I'm not miscounting your books, right? Technically, it's three, actually. Three, a third book called Lose Well.

Indeed. A combination of self-help and memoir. Yeah. Is how I pronounce that word. Uh-huh. Nailed it. Chris Gathard. Thanks for having me.

I used to use E-Honda myself. Oh. I was that guy. Sure. The guy who just immediately made him do his hand thing and then use E-Honda myself. Oh. I was that guy. Sure. The guy who just immediately made him do his hand thing and then slowly trudged across the screen. Yeah. I was that kid.

I mean, that's a strategy. It was like if someone knew how to play, they would beat me. But if they didn't, I would just stomp them. I was like the gatekeeper of my neighborhood Street Fighter 2. Nice. So if you beat gethard you were kind of on your way to another tier exactly you kind of weeded out the yeah johnny fight lately yeah if you were a tomato can i would i would expose you to the world sure are some of the guys better than other guys i mean it's been 20 years right 25 years yeah there there were guys

who ultimately proved unusable in a real sense, right? Yeah. Well, you know, I think something that is happening in the world of competitive fighting games, and I know that's why people tune into this show, is to hear about what's going on in the world of competitive fighting games. They're going to like this better than when I talk about rap music. Who knows what people like anymore? Is that, you know, I think some of those characters in the original game were seen as, you know, as bad or cheap. We're talking Dalsim. We're talking Zangief. Which one of those guys is Stretchman? That's Dalsim.

I like that guy because he's so stretchy. Well, that's the thing. He seemed so cool. And then you'd play with him and be like, he moves so slow. Yeah, yeah. He's so stretchy. It's all about balance. But I think in future installments, they're still making these games and they're rebalancing them and they're coming out with new additions just to kind of like make sure the characters are not overpowered.

So when the game is updated or a new edition comes out or it's rebalanced, they'll try and close the gaps and make everybody kind of on the same plane. So a previously weaker character like E. Honda, they will try and rebalance so he's got some advantages. But if I went back and played Street Fighter II Tournament Edition in a local pizzeria. Sure. Championship Edition, maybe you mean. Yeah. Yeah. Then I would, and if I was a stretchy guy, which of course I would be, I would just lose. Also, I'm bad at Street Fighter.

Well, I think that's probably, yeah. I mean, I think if you know your shit, you can play Dhalsim. I think Dhalsim's a very high level character currently. Really? Yeah, sure. Is he so stretchy? Well, they've balanced him. But yes, the stretchiness.

So he stretches in both directions? He closed the gaps. You can close those gaps with the stretching. Close those gaps. How are you doing, Chris Catherd? It's nice to see you here in Los Angeles. Thanks so much. You closing those gaps, buddy?

Always closing gaps. You got to close the gaps. Closing gaps, moving product. That's kind of been my catchphrase for years. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing okay. I feel like we've known each other long enough that I can be honest and say I'm a little homesick today. Yeah.

I've been on the road for a while, miss my wife. Are you book touring? Yeah, yeah. And then what I've been doing is they have me in the bookstores, but I think the thing I can offer a little more is I do shows and then we sell the books in the lobby afterwards. And it's really fun. It's actually really – those are kind of the highlights of my days. I get to come out and meet people and thank them for supporting me and stuff. But there's also a lot of –

Emotional vampires? Some of that. Some of that for sure. But also like a lot of taking meetings while I'm in Los Angeles. And that's never been totally my favorite. Hey, guys. Taking meetings. What do you think your wives are doing right now? My wife has a cold.

My wife has a cold. I just want to be there to take care of her. Yeah. We're taking meetings. My wife is taking meetings, but we have an open marriage. Oh, very nice. Very nice. We don't have an open marriage.

Do not hit on my wife. So she'll go to a meeting and then have a sexual encounter i thought that's what that meant no yeah she's going to talk about a project or yeah you know something like that it's like vaguely make you drive to the outer reaches of a town of glendale and then say it's so nice to meet you and then 15 minutes later you get back in a lift and you go to the outer reaches of burbank to meet someone who says it's so nice to meet you and then 15 minutes later you get back in a lift and you go to the outer reaches of burbank to meet someone who says it's so nice to meet you yeah and then you you miss your wife real bad one of the things that i'm fiji waters out of the deal so many fiji waters little mini bottles of fiji water one of the things that i did not anticipate about los angeles

and show business before i moved here was that when you have a show business meeting, of which I've had upwards of eight, but when you have a show business meeting, you could be going to have a meeting with Judd Apatow. You could be going to have a meeting with Martin Scorsese. It will still be on a semi-abandoned street halfway down the block from a big boy in a like building that used to be a church's chicken in Glendale. Like there are things that happen on the studio lots and the studio lots, the big studio lots, they do have like, oh, you're like, oh, this is the New York Street from every sitcom. But besides, and the Sony lot has that rainbow. Oh, yeah, sure. The Wizard of Oz.

Is it the Fox lot that has the big Star Wars mural? Yeah, it's got a big Star Wars mural. So there's a few things on the studio lots. And anytime I'm on a studio lot, I do feel like I'm in the grand finale of Pee Wee's Big Adventure, which is a lot of fun. Right. But whenever you're not on a studio lot, no meeting venues are anything other than genuinely sad. Yeah. I had a Lyft driver drop me off at one yesterday, and it was this weird block.

And she was like, are you picking up a car or something? Because it was this weird block and she was like, are you picking up a car or something? Because it was just used cars. It was like one building on the block and then everything else was a giant used car lot. No, I'm pitching an ABC sitcom and doing some hand-to-hand drug deals. Yes. I'm like, I'm trying to change my future and support my family actually. That's what I'm doing. So you mentioned you – Jesse said you had two books and you said technically three books is

there is there like a booklet or something that maybe doesn't well i wouldn't present as a book immediately it's because it was an extension of a pre-existing idea so from 2000 to 2004 i worked at a magazine called weird new jersey which is the greatest magazine in the world it's about local legends and haunted places in the great state of New Jersey. And sounds like an unlikely idea, but it became a really big part of the culture in Jersey. It's kind of a beloved thing. And they expanded and had a Weird New Jersey book, and it did really well. So then they had Weird US, which I co-wrote, and then they started doing all the other states, and I wrote Weird New York. So that was all the way back in 2005 but that was like from a different life so lose well is my second book

kind of from the comedy perspective but i also wrote a book about ghosts in new york the whole state not just the city i'm curious i am curious about new york ghosts but also i i i was thinking to myself when you were talking about there being a magazine devoted to weird New Jersey that I – what are some of the New Jersey local spooks? The things that we covered were the Devil's Tree, which was a big, giant, scary tree in the middle of a field where the rumor is that if you touch it, you die on the way home. You got the Devil's Tower. Did you touch it, Chris? Yeah, I touched the Devil's Tree and I'm still kicking. Hell yeah.

You don't give a fuck. Somebody's got to test it for the magazine. Brian, can you insert the sound of a hospital machine flatlining? So it seems like Chris died while he was bragging about it. You got the Devil's Tower, where if you drive around it six times backwards, the devil appears. You got Annie's Road, where a girl got hit by a car. And now no matter how many times they repave the road, the bloodstain reappears. You got Midgetville where all the houses are tiny and the rumor is it's all little people who kind of want to live on their own terms in a neighborhood full of tiny houses.

That one's not true and a little insensitive by modern standards. Yeah, there's a ton of them. I've been inside at least a half dozen abandoned mental hospitals. I was once held at gunpoint in the basement of an abandoned home for troubled teens. It's a good job. It's a really great job. I have heard of the Jersey Devil, but I don't quite know what it is. It's a big one. So in the Pine Barrens, which is a very – people don't realize – people think of Jersey as this very congested state.

And that's kind of North Jersey where I'm from. And even that's a little overblown. It's the Garden State. It is. And the Pine Barrens is this very, very big, vast ecosystem. And there's a lot of little abandoned towns in there. One of them is called Leeds Point. And the story is that there used to be a Leeds family that lived there.

And this woman, Mother Leeds, had 12 kids. And her husband was not a great guy. And it was not a good situation for her. And she got pregnant with her 13th child and in a moment of frustration said, let this one be a devil. And when the baby was born, it appeared to be a normal baby. And then moments later, it sprouted wings and grew to an enormous size and grew hooves and was covered in fur. Sounds like a devil to me. Yeah, killed a bunch of people and escaped into the woods.

And ever since then, people have been seeing sightings of this monster. Particularly in the hockey arena. Yes. In New Jersey Devil's Play. It is true. The Brendan Byrne Arena has had sightings dozens of times a year. I guess a lot of the things you mentioned did have devil in the name. There's a devil tree.

There's the devil's tower. Devil's roundabout. What was the one where you drive backwards a lot? That was the devil's tree. There's the tower. Devil's Roundabout. What was the one where you drive backwards a lot? That was the Devil's Tower. The Devil's Tower. That was, yeah. Devil's Roundabout

is just kind of a quaint neighborhood in Bergen County. Sure. Yeah. I mean, isn't there something in New Jersey

that, like, I've been to New Jersey. Yeah. I once got, what was that, Superstorm Sandy? Oh, yeah. Does that sound right?

So I got stuck in New Jersey during Superstorm Sandy. Stuck? No. You had the privilege. Yes, stuck. There was no electricity and I had a baby. Oh, yeah. That sounds really bad.

And I couldn't get gas. Yeah. I remember that. That was bad. That was bad. But we were visiting some friends who live in New Jersey at the time and we got to stay with them and we had a lovely time. It's a beautiful place.

Great place. Would I have preferred to have had electricity and not been involuntarily missing important work? Yes. But we had a wonderful time in New Jersey and our primary activities were things like apple picking. There you go. That's not very weird.

No. But you look right under the surface. I challenge the. That's not very weird. No. But you look right under the surface. I challenge the premise of your book, sir. I'm telling you, though, you look under the surface of New Jersey and it gets real strange real fast. Were those gala apples or devil apples? Bum, bum, bum. Where did you grow up? I grew up in Orange County.

Oh, in Orange County. So I, you know, about an hour south of here. So I only knew New Jersey as like a David Letterman punchline. Exactly. Like, so yeah, I guess I kind of like my, I pieced together what I knew about New Jersey from David Letterman. You knew it as the Galooly of states. Yes, exactly.

Just something David Letterman said and the audience laughed. So then I laughed. Yeah. Yeah. We got, we get that a lot. Yeah. We get that a lot. We get that a lot where I'm from. I would like to someday be grounded via a super storm

or a tropical depression or something like that and to be able to experience it for what it is. There's going to be more and more of them in coming years so I'm sure it'll happen any day. I'm looking forward to that. I mean I'd like to see it prove that it's man-made. Oh, boy.

The storms. I don't know. Here we go. Here we go. I think it's fair to say that in the part of New Jersey in which you grew up, what is a long sandwich called? A sub. A sub. And then in South Jersey, they're called hoagies.

And in some parts of South Jersey, they call them grinders. Wow. It's that segmented, huh? Yeah. North and South Jersey is a big divide. It's one of these things where it's sort of like they don't necessarily love each other. But if you're out of the state, you're best friends. It's one of those things.

You know what I mean? Like no one else is allowed to talk bad about my little brother, that kind of thing. Sure. You know what I mean? Like no one else is allowed to talk bad about my little brother, that kind of thing. Sure. I think people in South Jersey regard those of us from North Jersey as sort of like money driven, industrial wasteland dwelling monsters. And we tend to view them as there's a phrase in reference to the Pine Barrens of people who are called Pineys, people who live within the Pine Barrens who are regarded as like almost like a deliverance style. And that –

Neither of these stereotypes is true in any way. And that like turn of the century slur still hangs around to this day. Yes. There's a real thing. And then there's – It's like calling someone a carpetbagger. Yes. Yes. And then there's Central Jersey, which is not real. Right.

There is no Central Jersey, but there's people who claim they're from Central Jersey. North Jerseyans would say that they invented the idea of Central Jersey because they don't want to admit they're from South Jersey. South Jerseyans would say they invented it so they don't have to say they're from North Jersey. Right. They're kind of caught in this weird middle. And I hear that if you find someone who says they're from Central Jersey, they're very easy to beat with E-Honda. Yes, extraordinarily. You can beat them in a fight in most ways.

Sure. Real life or video game, yeah. I mean, when I was in New Jersey, we were in hoagie country. Yeah, down near Philadelphia then. And I mentioned once on Judge John Hodgman what a nice – first of all, I think I am one of the non-New Jerseyite world's most ardent New Jersey supporters. And there's two. I've spent significant amounts of time there on two occasions and had a wonderful time both times.

I noted how beautiful it is there. Thank you so much. And I really had a great time. But I said something about hoagies with regard to New Jersey on Judge John Hodgman and the flood of corrections. with regard to New Jersey on Judge John Hodgman. And the flood of corrections buffeted me like some sort of super storm. Well, if you really, since we're talking Jersey, and Jersey people might be locking into this, if you really want to get a bunch of angry tweets,

you'll get into the Taylor Ham versus pork roll argument. Oh, boy. Can you summarize this? This sounds fraught to me. There is this, here's, here's the thing that, that is,

is very Jersey. There is a breakfast meat that only exists in New Jersey. Right. And it's called Taylor ham. And anybody listening, I want to go on record right now. You know, it's called Taylor ham.

It's called Taylor ham. People from the Southern half of the state. Chris, I don't understand this, but I love it. So there's a, there's, there's a product that some people call pork roll, but the company that really has produced the most of it is the Taylor Pork Roll Company. So in North Jersey, we call it Taylor Ham.

If you go to any diner in New Jersey, you can order a Taylor Ham egg and cheese sandwich. If you go anywhere else in the world, the only places where it's really sold are Jersey and Florida because there's so many Jersey transplants that they sell there as well. But yeah, in a South Jersey diner, you would order a pork roll, egg, and cheese, and it would be the same exact thing as a Taylor ham, egg, and cheese in North Jersey. But I am not kidding when I say I have witnessed people get into actual shouting matches over whether it's called pork roll or Taylor ham. So what is the – can you describe this ham?

It is a very nitrate filled, right? Nitrates are the things that certain types of hot dogs, like that salty nitrate filled ham product. You slice it a little thicker than you would think. I once found a deli in New York that sold it and I was thrilled. And they cut it real thin like a regular ham and served it cold like a deli ham and that's not good. You cut it about yay thick. Like what's that?

Maybe a third of an inch and you fry it and you slice. Like the thickness of like a Canadian bacon. It's almost like a sort of like saltier, greasier, better Canadian bacon. And I'm not trying to start fights with the Canadian bacon fans out there. It's just how I grew up. But seriously, fuck you, Canadian bacon fans. I don't know. That's your words, not mine.

No, they're not. Yeah, that's what you just said. Anyone listening can hit that 15 second back button right now and see that that's not true. Not anymore. I've wasted too much time. Brian, insert the flatlining noise so it seems like Chris killed Jesse. And also, we're all hooked up to those machines, by the way. Is it a composite product like Scrapple?

Like, is it made from bits and pieces and cornmeal or whatever? Not visibly. But to be fair, I couldn't tell you what it is made from. So it falls into that category. I think it's probably close to like a mystery meat, like a Scpple or a spam or where you're like, what is that? I saw a spam commercial the other day that really sold that spam to me. It was the lady in the commercial had cubed the spam. And there was a – and she's stir-frying the spam.

She's throwing peas in with the spam. And there was a – and she's stir-frying the Spam. She's throwing peas in with the Spam. And there's this shot of the – you know those food shots where the food is kind of launched by an unseen force? And so you have the – Yeah, and like the leaves of lettuce spread in the air and little water droplets come off of them. Yes, it's damp food flying around. Yes, it's damp food flying around. And so there's this shot of the cube spam flying at a kind of a spout or a spooch of sauce.

I don't know what the sauce is. So this ham. But you know the volume of sauce is one spooch. It's around a spooch. Yeah. Approximately a spooch. Right. So the cube spam is hitting the sauce in midair and it's beautiful. It's like the most beautiful ballet you've ever seen.

And I have been thinking about this cubed spam hitting the sauce in the air and thinking, could I do that? Could I – So it worked? Yeah, it really did. I mean I have not bought any spam yet, but I've been thinking about it. Kudos to them because I would think – initially when you told that story, I was like, why is spam buying commercials? Because I think – And also, does this count as a story?

And describing a commercial he liked. Don't you think most people have already decided on spam? Yeah. Don't you think people have locked in opinions? Like New Jersey, I grew up only knowing as a punchline. A joke. As the thing the Monty Python song was about. As the kind of stand-in for gross

food. I think we're in a spam revival. Wow. Because spam is most popular in places where the U.S. military occupied in the years between 1930 and 1960. Is that why it's so huge in Hawaii? It's huge in Hawaii. It's huge in Korea.

It's huge in the Philippines. And those cuisines are on the rise in the United States, I think. And also you're like, you're David Chang's. You're guys that are like, you should, I'm a fancy chef, but I love to eat uncooked ramen. That was a pretty good impression of him eating uncooked. Great David Chang. Thank you. Was that part of your SNL audition this year?

Yeah. They said it wasn't timely enough. Maybe if you brought us that seven years ago. Sure, yeah. Now that he's opening restaurants in L.A., who cares? Let's Lorne for you. He hasn't been to the Momofuku Noodle Bar in like four or five years. To be fair, he lets you keep auditioning year after year.

Yeah, with that same impression. How many years in a row? Well, the thing is, is Paul Simon loves the Momofuku Noodle Bar. Sure. So he's always on Lorne. Let Jesse come in one more time. He's got that great David Chang. Yeah.

So I think that Spam is having a little revival in that context. Because Spam actually does taste kind of good. What's the sauce, do you think, that was thrown at the Spam think because that's that's the thing that's going to fuck up my spam situations if i don't have the sauce from the commercial they don't say what the sauce is my first thought is bernays might be a bernays sure bernays right yeah i would i would guess hollandaise it might be a hollandaise country gravy it's kind gravy? It's kind of a brownie red sauce.

Oh, a brownie red sauce. I should have said the color of the sauce. When you put it like that, I see why it was so appealing to you. Oh, yeah. That's a great color. It's a great color for a sauce. A brownie red sauce. You think it might be fruity HP sauce?

Maybe. That's possible. Maybe. Maybe it's the stuff that sometimes sits atop a meatloaf. Guys, I don't know. I don't know. That's a nice, like a, it's like a ketchup and a vinegar, like a cider vinegar. Yeah.

And some brown sugar reduced. Yeah. Oh, that's a nice sauce. I bet that's what it was. Oh, that's good. I love a meatloaf. I gave up everything but fish two years ago, and I do miss meatloaf. That's one of the things I miss.

Do you like fish? I do like fish. I mean, that's a key part of this. I find sometimes that I think it is somewhere between irresponsible and immoral of me to eat beef and certainly to eat as much beef as I eat. But I don't really like any of the other foods. That is a barrier of entry. I really like ice cream. But you can't just eat ice cream.

Sure, yeah. That's your two pillars of your diet, beef and ice cream. Well, I like, there's a few seasonal fruits I'm really into, satsumas. Okay. I like a lot.

Just beef and ice cream. I've gotten into jazz apples. Is that why you spend 22 hours a day on the toilet? Nothing but beef and ice cream every day? Jazz apple's a good apple. Yeah. I had a tango apple the other day

that I quite liked. I am not familiar with the tango apple. It's similar to a jazz apple, but, you know, a little more fun. Oh, like an international flavor? Yeah, yeah. Less improvisation, too. Yeah, I, you know,

yeah, part of me is like, I also like some seafood products, but just like the thing that I think sustains the pescatarian, and correct me if I'm wrong about this. No, true. I don't like using the phrase because it sounds intensely pretentious. It does a little bit.

The person who only eats fish as far as meats go. I think that the thing that people order a lot is just that piece of fish. Sometimes it's on a plank. It comes with two sides. Just the it's sometimes it's on a plank. It comes with two sides. I feel like if I can get to a place where I just like that piece of fish that a restaurant serves, I'm going to be a better human. So I don't that doesn't look good to me when it comes out for someone.

Doesn't look good to me. Doesn't smell good to me. But yeah, part of me is like just fucking muscle through this. Just go just for a month. Go to a restaurant once a week. Order that piece of fish with two sides, and just eat it. And then your life will be better. It'll solve all your problems.

You know what I think? Your dad will return. I have – Wait, what was that? Oh, I just – That didn't seem like it related to the rest of – Yeah, I mean I just think if I can get to a place where I like grilled fish or – I understood that part. Yeah, I think just daddy will come back.

Wait, that's the part that – So, Jesse, what were you saying? Wait, huh? I was just going to say – Yeah, just like daddy will come in. He'll love me. He'll tell me I'm a good boy. Just like regular stuff.

Your health will improve. We'll have a catch. Maybe a shinier hair. It's brain food, so it's good for the neural connection in your brain. And, you know, like a lot of times you have a little – like a hole inside yourself that you feel like you need to fill because your father was absent. Sure, yeah. Or you just need energy. Like you feel like you need to fill because your father was absent sure yeah or you just need energy like you feel like you feel more energetic like lighter because you're not eating such heavy food seems like in between hair and energy it got a little yeah it turned into a golden retriever chris does your daddy love you oh here's a funny

thing yeah no no no he does i know he does but he's never said that to me, and I've never said it to him. Oh, wow. And we have talked about how we've never said it to each other. And in my new book, the dedication, I say to my father, thanks for teaching me the value of hard work. Thanks for teaching me how to enjoy the life you earn through your hard work. I know that we've never said it to each other, but I want you to know that I love you. And I gave him a galley copy when they first came out and I watched him sit and read that right in front of me. And then he turned to me and went, thank you for the nice dedication.

That was his response. That's like a classic. That's the classic situation when you're dating in high school and the two members of the romantic couple are in different places in the relationship. I love you. Thanks. Asynchronous dating situation. And Chris, I'm having a great time with you. I've known him for 38 years. You seem cool. You can squeeze out one I love you.

But I kind of assume that when he- Was he in an was he in a archie bunker lounge chair i mean he has spent a lot of time in one yes you you really have accurately started to get that although he's not nearly uh as bad a person as archie bung my dad's a sweet guy i want to be clear but he did love a good armchair yeah i mean he worked hard and he knows how to enjoy the fruits of a life that he earned for himself working hard. That chair specifically. Yeah, absolutely. I've always kind of assumed that someday he'll be on his deathbed and 30 seconds before he dies, I'll just go, you know, I loved you the whole time, right?

And he'll be like, yeah, I know. I know. Yeah. And then he'll die. Not to get too morbid. Yeah. Do you have – I mean I having a a book kind of helps because everybody loves an author i didn't mean to force it back to the no your question was

tied in so smoothly that i felt no it was nice i was uh it was seamless and it was a good story thanks so thank you um i'm happy to talk about Fish and Street Fighter. Yeah. Sure. That's my podcast. You'll come on that one later. I would love to. Do your parents kind of understand what you do, do you feel like?

At this point, I believe so. Okay. There was a stretch where that was not the case. I think my mother sort of quietly was rooting me on earlier. My dad was very concerned. There was only one stretch though. They didn't put pressure on me. There was one stretch when I, you know, cause I started at UCB when I was in college, I went to Rutgers in Jersey. I'd take the train up like four days a week and trying to do UCB stuff back then. And, um, he sat me down at one point and he's like, this doesn't feel safe to me. He's like, are you sure you don't want something that has like a

pension and insurance and all this stuff? And I was like, you know, I get what you're saying, but I think I got to go for it. And that's a big part of what I write about in my book is that, you know, I didn't come from a family of artists. I didn't come from a neighborhood where I knew any artists, and I think it was just weird to him. And I think one of the things that I didn't even realize about my own life is that I think I really kind of took his work ethic and applied it to what I do. that conversation with me, I realized if I want him to feel, um, anything but nervous about me, I need to make sure I work as hard as he did at his real job as I do at this fantasy that I'm chasing. So I knew he'll respect it if I put in the work and if I, if my work ethic reflects his, if, if trying to be an artist just means that I want to like stay out all night and sleep in all day,

that's not going to fly. But if I, if I show him that his work ethic can apply to this, I think he'll actually be really proud of me. And that's turned out to be true. We've actually had some weirdly emotional conversations over the years. Have you, have you thought about maybe just sending him a picture of you in a,

in a nice recliner? And then, so he can – That's the phase of my life I'm starting to enter. He's made it. Yeah, someday. We had one really trippy conversation because we didn't really – we're not the most emotional with each other. We're very close but not very emotional and we didn't talk much about my career. He's become kind of my biggest fan.

Like he always made a point of – he traveled to New York and once a season when we were on cable, he'd come hang out at the taping of the Gethard show. And he's become my biggest fan. I remember when he, when my parents moved out of New Jersey, you know, they hired movers and everything, but there were just, there's like one van left of stuff. And he asked me, can you come out from New York and help me pack this van? And just so I don't have to hire movers again? And I was like, yeah, of course. And we spent the whole day loading up the last of the stuff into this van.

Nobody else was there. My mom was already in upstate New York where they moved to. And then before we drove upstate, which is, you know, like a five hour, six hour drive from where we were and we'd been moving all day, we went and got dinner

and we were both just kind of exhausted and I wasn't talking much and my dad just looks at me he goes you know I'm really jealous of you and I was like what and he goes you've never one time taken money for something you don't believe in I'm really jealous of that and that blew me away and I was like well I'm really jealous of you and he's like why would you be jealous of me and I'm like because I look back and realize that you had a mortgage and two kids and you were 27 years old and you made it work and there were a lot of stretches of my childhood where things I think were probably dicey and you never ever even let on to that like I

never knew that we had it as things were as tight as they were until they weren't. I never even knew that you held it together and you were a kid. Like I'm old enough now to know that at 27 years old to have two kids and a mortgage and no money was terrifying. And you pulled it off. And it was a, it was a trippy conversation. What did your dad do? He worked in the pharmaceutical industry. That's a really big industry in New Jersey. He started out,

he's a really, really smart guy. He's got a PhD now in environmental science and he just kind of wound up working his way up through the chain of command and not working on pharmaceuticals directly, which I think I feel good about at this point in life. He was working on... Do you think that's what he was alluding to

when he's like, you haven't taken money for something you don't believe in? Do you think he feels a little bit weird about that? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think he worked on the more innocuous products. I say it in the book, so I guess I can say he worked at Pfizer, which I think a lot of people

have come to regard as a little bit of an evil corporation. And I don't think he worked at Pfizer, which I think a lot of people have come to regard as a little bit of an evil corporation. Sure. And I don't think he worked in the particularly evil stretches of it. But I don't know if that's exactly what he's referring to. But I would imagine he might be conflicted that he spent so many years there and then it's a company that people are like, whoa, wait. I think Pfizer was the original manufacturer of the migraine pill that I take. Really? So they're good with me forever.

Yeah. They could airlift dragons to the third world. I think everybody would love that. As long as they weren't hurting people, they would be helpful dragons, right? Thank you for inventing a pill that makes my headache go away. Oh, absolutely. I'd be like – Absolutely.

I'm not nuts about the dragons, but we all got to make choices. Something's got to support other things. I'm sure you're making a lot of dragon money. You got to fly something to the third world, you know? Might as well be a dragon. They invented Viagra too, so that's nothing to sneeze at. Sure. A lot of people are –

A lot of people get boners from taking that pill. Yeah. That's how it's actually how my parents made money finally because all the employees there used to get stock options and I think everybody

from what I remember as a kid I think everybody was like just give us bonuses. Give us real bonuses. And then I thought when you started the word bonus you were going to say bonus.

Give us boners. Yeah. Just give us boners. But Viagra came out We're so soft. Viagra came out. Everybody cashed in. Everybody was like, oh, we'll turn in these stock options now.

And some of these guys were like forklift operators that were like, what are stock options? And then they had 40 years worth and all of a sudden they became millionaires. And my last name spells Gethard. And that's how my family made money. It's a really beautiful story, Chris. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know, every Jordan Jesse Go is brought to you by all the MaxFun members who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and sign up to kick a little bit of dough our way into the other MaxFun shows to which they listen. We're also this week brought to you by our friends at RX Bar, a whole food protein bar made from 100% whole ingredients. The core ingredients to all the talking, Jordan. It's simply like eating one, two, three egg whites. I'm an egg.

I'm talking. One, two, dates. I'm a date. I'm also talking. One, two, three, four, five, six, almonds. Lemon almonds. I want some.

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box, keep some in my gym bag in case I need a little snack that's not going to make me feel all gross. Yeah, I like to bring them up to Poppy Lake when I'm up at the cabin. Hey, there you go. You're headed up to Poppy Lake. You need something you can keep is going to stay clean in your little knapsack. Hey, these things are great, and we can get you 25% off your first order. Go to rxbar.com slash jjgo, and you enter promo code jjgo at checkout. 25% off rxbar.com slash jjgo. Promo code jjgo at checkout. And if they're like, if they give you shit for it or whatever, just be like, no, I know Jesse and Jordan. Yeah.

I'm cool with them. Send me those bars. They said they have the hookups. Yeah, send the bars. We're also brought to you by our friends at Zip Recruiter. You know what's not smart, Jordan? The way hiring used to be. So dumb.

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Right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free. You go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Jordan, we got something up on the Jumbotron this week, too. We sure do. This is an interesting Jumbotron.

Not something we've had before. I've got mixed feelings about it. Let's throw her out there. See what happens. This is from Eric and Providence. And I think what happened with Eric and Providence is that he called it a momentous occasion. Uh,

Brian did not choose it for air. No, he screens them for quality. He screens them. And, uh, and you know, I,

I don't know. I mean, maybe he was banking it or something. Sometimes we have themed, you know, but who knows? I don't, I don't know the Maybe he was banking it or something. Sometimes we have themed, you know, but who knows? I don't know the reason that the momentous occasion did not make it on air, but it didn't. And so he has paid for a jumbotron for us to read his momentous occasion on air. Yeah.

I mean, this is a strange decision on his part, but we're grateful that he cares. Absolutely. So here we go. The bought and paid for momentous occasion from Eric in Providence. My puppy Spud took a poop that came out in multiple turds all attached to a hair. It looked like sausage links. He saw this and then began chasing it like he chases his tail. It stayed on for a while until he spun too fast and it flew off.

It was awesome. Stuff it, Sonny D. You can't screen my momentous occasions anymore. I beat the system. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Maybe Brian knew that I don't like dookie stuff. Honestly, I think it's pretty solid. Brian, if you can find it, let us know.

We'll play it on the show. That's pretty funny. Hey, Jordan. Yes. We got a live appearance coming up here in Southern California. Oh, boy, and this is an exciting one. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be really fun.

We're going to be a part of the Vulture Fest. The Vulture. He's like a nemesis of Spider-Man. No, no, no. That's the Dr. Octopus Festival. Okay. That's next month. Got it.

That's the one with Death Cab for Cutie. Right. Yeah, exactly. We're opening for that. This is a, we're going to be part of the Vulture Fest comedy podcast trivia show. That's at the Roosevelt Hotel in West Hollywood, Sunday, November 18th, 7 to 8 p.m. We're going to be trivia-ing against some other popular podcast hosts. Including past guests of this program, Naomi Ekbergen and Andy Beckerman.

And from the Glowing Up podcast, Carolyn Goldfarb and Esther Povitsky. So this is going to be really fun. You go to vulturefestival.com to get those tickets. That's Sunday, November 18th, 7 to 8 p.m. at the Roosevelt Hotel in West Hollywood, vulturefestival.com. You know what?

Your ticket includes access to a pool party and a drink ticket. What, really? Yeah. Get it. Come on. Come to this thing. I know. Access to a pool party?

I know. Okay. Talk about a glow up. Yeah, glow up, get a ticket, and hey, you can chill with us poolside. You've always wanted to chill poolside with us. I want to mention one thing, too, which is, as a lot of Jordan Jesse Go listeners know, I have a vintage store at PutThisOnShop.com, and it's the holiday season right now, and you will find a perfect gift there for someone.

I made a code called Friends that will get almost everything in the store shipped to you for free. So you can take a look around and put this on shop.com. I bet you will find something you like. Okay, shall we get back to the show? Yes! It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Chris Gethard, a.k.a. Mega Head. Cool. That was my childhood nickname they talked to me with. Mega Head? Mega Head, because my forehead's, like, I know it, I am losing my hair. I can recognize that. But it's not as bad as you think.

Like the hairline has always been pretty bad. Sure. The head is a little mega. It's a little bit of a mega. It's a little bit of a mega. My children have mega heads. Really? Yeah.

I have – to the extent that I have a mega head, it's mostly about losing my hair. Yeah. losing my hair. Yeah. But my wife comes from a long line of very beautiful people with very enormous heads. Okay. And giant foreheads. But like we're talking about like models and stuff. Not like catwalk models, but like catalog models at least.

People who get jobs where you have to be good looking like high class nanny or like wealth management company assistant. You know what I mean? These jobs where you have to be real good looking. But all of my children until the third one because we knew the drill so well. When they did the early tests, you know, they'll measure their heads is one of the things, you know, but along with checking to see if they have, what's that called when you turn yellow? Jaundice. Jaundice. I heard that.

Jaundice. Yeah, like they check for those different things, right? And all of them have had to go to the special baby neurologist just because they have giant heads. That's the only reason. They're like, this head is very giant, so I'm going to send you to the neurologist. And like the first time we went and the neurologist measured all our heads and they were like, yeah, you're fine. You guys have giant heads.

And then the second time we went and we just told the neurologist that. And then the third time we told the primary care physician, look, we've been through this twice. It's just a family of giant-headed people. Right, right. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. No, it was just an easy thing for people to pick on as a kid, so I'm still insecure about it. As a video game person, you'll appreciate that when TurboGrafx-16 came out.

Oh, I know what my nickname was. Sure. You know, Keith Courage in the alpha zone. Bonk. It was Bonk. It was Bonk.

They used to call me Bonk. I'm sorry. They called you Bonk. Did you? I would never call you Bonk. But you did laugh at, there was a kid in your neighborhood. You did have an instinctive giggle of like, oh, the big headed kid in the neighborhood got you Bonk. But you did laugh at it. There was a kid in your neighborhood. You did have an instinctive giggle of like, oh, the big-headed kid in the neighborhood got called Bonk.

It made you giggle. It is. It's fun. I can envision you eating a giant kind of Flintstones piece of meat and then your head turning into a volcano. And it's a fun image. Yeah. Yeah. I get it.

I mean, I guess the main problem with it is. Hey, listeners, I know you're gonna be yeah listeners i know you're gonna be tempted to photoshop chris's face why are you doing this but don't why are you doing this to me to photoshop you're telling the internet not to do something tell him and and you're gonna want to show it to him at chris gethard i'm smart enough to know what you're doing just don't do it yeah it's probably not worth it. He doesn't think you can. Yeah, he thinks you're lame and you have bad Photoshop skills. He thinks you don't even know who Bonk is.

I'll go ahead and say that I get the bit, and if you want to do it, do it. But I'll warn you now, it will slightly hurt my feelings in a genuine way. Don't do it. Send me – I will – listen, I have a – I guess I don't have a big head, but I got a big face. I'm a big-faced man. I'll take the bullet. Photoshop my face onto Bonk. Send it to Chris Gethard.

It's not as funny as this forehead. Well, I get it. Go for broke. I'll laugh at it on my good days, and then when I'm depressed, I'll take it very seriously. It's a fine line, ain't it? Yeah. I just want to, what I kind of want to see is just some cool art

of Sonic the Hedgehog and Bonk in prayer. Yeah. Together. Right, yes. Both coming to Jesus. Maybe Bonk could be pregnant. Because Bonk was the Mario

or Sonic of TurboGrafx, right? Yeah. It was the flagship character. I don't think he ever took off in the same way, but I do think that was the, that was the goal with Bonk. Because TurboGrafx in general didn Yeah. It was the flagship character. I don't think he ever took off in the same way, but I do think that was the goal with Bonk. Because TurboGrafx in general didn't take off in the same way. Can I make a request?

I just want to have one addition to the art that I requested. Could you get a few clacks in there? Get some clacks. Hey, how about the hacky set guy from California Games? Classic video game characters that we all know. Chris, are you still doing mixed martial arts? I started up again. It's Brazilian jiu-jitsu, though.

I don't do the punching and kicking, just the wrestling and submission holds. I think I'm going to enter a tournament soon. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they have an over 30 division. Wow. I think I'm going to enter the old man division. You're turning into a real blanco over here.

Oh, yeah. I like it. I'm very bad at it, but I like it a lot. Do you ever win? You must fight guys that are about your size, right? Well, it's rare. Usually they are bigger than me or younger than me or both. And that's, you know, if somebody's my size and 24 years old, I'm 38.

They got the advantage. So it's rare for me to fight someone my age and my size. So that's part of why I'm excited for this tournament. See what it's like. Fight the other people who are pushing 40, weigh 145 pounds. What's the plan? Just go for the nuts? No, that's illegal.

I would get disqualified immediately. Where are you going for that? Knees? Elbows? It's illegal if they see it. I've been training at a gym that does a lot of leg locks. Knee bars, heel hooks, toe holds. Oh, you get tangled up

in the legs. That's what a guy my size can do. Yeah, jam them in the jumpers. That's what you do. Jam in those jumpers. Oh, yeah. They do jump jams? A lot of jump jams. That's one of the first techniques they teach you. Jock jams. Yeah, they play jock jams and teach you jump jams.

I mean, it must have been – imagine what it would be like to be in the room with the Gracie family when they invented jump jams. Oh, yeah. The gym I originally trained at and still train at quite often is Henzo Gracie. He's the grandson of the person who founded Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Like I've taken classes from five or six members of the Gracie family. And do they teach you those jump jams? Tons of jump jams, yeah. And weirdly

a lot of breakdancing moves, too. A lot of breakdancing moves just get incorporated. Well, that helps when they put on the jock jams. I was about to say, they teach you any jock jams. Maybe we will rock you. It's a little tough, though, because when I go to sporting events, I instinctively want to fight the people around me. Because they throw on those arena songs.

You're like, I am ready for this. Yeah, like a Pavlovian instinct. I want to fight. Yeah, you trained with the Gracies and I trained with Naughty by Nature. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. When something momentous happens to you, like you win the jujitsu championship. Okay.

Over 30, New York and New Jersey division. They call it the master's division, which sounds like you mastered it. No, it just means you're older than the majority of the competitors. If you win, do you get a blazer? You get a medal. Oh, okay. I wish I got a blazer. I'm part of a swim team that is called a master's program, and everyone always goes, ooh. Wait, is this true? It is true, yeah. You're part of a swim team that is called a master's program and everyone always goes,

ooh. Wait, is this true? It is true. You're part of a swim team? Yeah. You don't run into that so often. No, you don't. Like a recreational swim team?

Yeah. And do you go and have meets against other swim teams? We do have meets against other swim teams. You do this for real? I do this for real. I want to reiterate. Is that weird?

We've talked about this a lot on the show. I did not know that you have meets. Yeah. I thought it was a swim team in name only. Sweet. Which is why I won't vote for it in the Republican primary.

What's your event? I don't do good with distances so I'll do a 50 free or a relay. Okay. A relay? A relay. So you dive over the other person as they come back? It's fun.

I didn't know this was a thing. Sometimes you high five. It's fun. I didn't know this was a thing. Sometimes you high-five them in the air. I didn't know this was a thing that grown-ups got together and did on their own. Why is it weirder than jujitsu to you? It's not. It's just – Yes, it is. I feel like jujitsu at least is a fad since the explosion of UFC.

I feel like a swim team – is this something you did growing up? It is, yeah. So I swam as a kid and a little bit in high school i have a friend who joined a track team because he ran track oh interesting and i was like that they just have grown up track leagues and he's like yeah i'm in a taibo league really yeah another martial arts fad i learned from billy blank's grandson i wonder if there's people still hanging on to that but you just like i, I mean, you got into it not, you know, for love of martial arts or for self-defense reasons. You just like singlets that fall below the nipple.

I just wanted to make it to the Crystal Light National Aerobics Championship. Yeah, sure. Crystal Light. Great fruit punch. Great fruit punch. Sweaty and hot. I'm coming. We have punch. Sweaty and hot. I'm coming. We have calls.

Yes, I do. I love that song. It's a great song. Every piece of music in every Crystal Light Aerobics Championship is fantastic. Look it up on YouTube. Yeah. Alan Thicke wrote that one. What do you wear when you jujitsu?

Well, I've taken, back in the day when I first did it, I wore the gi, the traditional pajama looking outfit. Now I've taken to no-gi submission grappling where you wear shorts and what's called a rash guard, which is a spandex shirt. Cool. Not that cool. It is cool. Me in a tight spandex shirt, not that cool. Yeah. Well, it's pretty cool.

You don't get a sunburn. Yeah. It's exactly that. Is that a rash guard? It's the thing you wear on the beach. Yes, it is. I also wear them on the beach. But yeah, this no-gi submission grappling has become kind of like a weird underground thing.

If you're looking – I mean could you – if the criteria is just wear something that prevents you from getting a sunburn at the beach, could you just wear an XXL Green Day t-shirt? I would love that. I would love that. I think you probably could. You probably could. Is the idea that if you're wearing a gi, there's various parts of the gi you can grab onto and when you're wearing a rash guard,

there's only natural protuberances such as noses? Nips. Nips. I would say that, yeah. That is pretty close to the truth. Your nips protrude. I know I have very small inverted nipples notoriously

I have dime sized inverted nipples notoriously this is true it's a well known thing about me we actually had second thoughts about booking you on the show

for that reason it is true we had on the Gether John public access we had a dominatrix come in for one episode which is not that surprising

if you know the show she put nipple clamps on me and she was mad because she's like your nipples are so small right and I can't get the clamps on do you think that was just part of the humiliation though do you think that was an actual concern she was genuinely frustrated okay they kept slipping

off she couldn't get them on it was bad I didn't think it was in keeping with the character when she started calling you bonk yeah it was that was part of the humiliation. Like, that's humiliating, but it doesn't seem like it's of a piece with the outfit and the whip and the whole, you know, all that stuff. And she's yelling at you, you'll never be as big as Sonic. Yeah. You'll never be as popular.

You're not even Echo the Dolphin. Yeah. There's not really much of a cathartic or sexual release to being called Bonk. In some way. Did he break rocks with his head maybe? Yeah, break rocks, dinos. What was the guy's name from Adventure Island? Remember that game, Adventure Island? I do.

Yeah, I don't know that that guy had a name. Yeah, I'm sure he had a name. I don't know what it is though. It was like a Mario ripoff, right? It was, yeah. Kind of an island themed. He had a little skateboard. Yeah, he did. That was fun a Mario ripoff, right? It was, yeah. Yeah. Kind of an island themed. Mm-hmm. Get a little skateboard. Yeah, he did.

That was fun. Aloha. Yeah, sure. Sounds fun. Ate a lot of Spam. Ate a lot of Spam. I could go for a Spam. What's that called?

A musubi? No, I don't know. That Hawaiian rice roll, sort of like a sushi. You know a lot of things. It's got some Spam in the middle. I've always thought this about you. You just know a lot of things.

Eh, I probably just bring up the things I know too much. Ah, that could be it too. I know a regular amount of things. Spam in the middle. I've always thought this about you. You just know a lot of things. I probably just bring up the things I know too much. I know a regular amount of things, but I talk about them too much. Well, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us, 206-984-4FUN. Or just email us a voice memo. By the way, remember that call that was recorded in a Zamboni? Apparently, he did it on his hands-free system in his car. Don't call while you're driving. Yeah.

It's dangerous. I disagree. I think you should call while you're driving. Really? No. Okay. I just thought we could have a little good cop, bad cop thing. Oh, got it.

Sorry, I messed it up. It's okay. But I realized I was encouraging people to be unsafe, and I felt bad about it. I'm willing to defer to you. I mean, that's how deep my aversion to conflict goes. I'm sure you're like, yeah, crash your car. I think if you're going to call while you're driving, you should only do it if you close your eyes.

Yeah, sure. And just start jerking the wheel around. Driving, closed eyes. That's the time to call. Yeah. Yeah. But only on a hands-free. It's illegal to hold a cell phone inside a car.

You're going to get arrested. Close your eyes. Focus up. Focus up. Call the number and put your faith in blanca let's take our first call uh hello jordan jesse and guest this is kyle calling from tennessee i'm calling with a momentous occasion i was listening to your show last week well um a show from a couple weeks ago and uh i don't remember in what context, but you mentioned rollerblading. And I thought to myself, hey, I wish I had learned how to do that. That seems like a lot of fun, thinking I'd kind of missed my window.

But then I thought, no, it's never too late. I'm going to teach myself. So I bought some rollerblades and some protective gear. But that protective gear doesn't cover everything. And I'm 90% certain I just broke my ass bone. So thanks.

I like the show. I think he's talking about his coccyx. I think it's the coccyx. Let's not miss an opportunity to say that. Let's all say coccyx. I think it's the Coxix. Yeah, let's not miss an opportunity to say that. Let's all say Coxix. Coxix.

I think he did it at Lake Titicaca. What's the name of that guy that drives a rowing boat? A Coxwayne? Coxwayne, sure. A Coxwayne? Coxin? Do they pronounce it

Coxin or Coxwayne? I don't know. I think I've only seen it written in all those rowing books that I read. Coxin seems more... I don't know. You might be right.

What is the name of that? What's the name of that subway station in london that's called like horse cox oh yeah something like that yeah something along those lines well we've had a lot of fun listing words saying them that have you ever have you ever broken a bone uh uh doing your special wrestling no the only bone i've broken was actually wrestling my brother in fourth grade. We used to like pro wrestling. We were on our front lawn impersonating our favorite wrestlers and I broke my collarbone.

Who were you impersonating? Oh, wow. Sting. At the time, Sting. Sting. Like a WCW. Yeah. We were a little more elevated.

We liked to be less cartoonish, more grown up. Right. Wears of the National Wrestling Alliance. Mm-hmm. I love wrestling. Are you still a wrestling guy? It's funny because I still consider myself a fan,

but I just don't have the time to watch Raw and SmackDown and keep up with that many hours. But I'll watch NXT and I have the WWE Network and I go back and watch all the old stuff. And there's a show I'm actually obsessed with. There's a show I'm obsessed with on the WWE Network called Legends of Wrestling. And they made it, I believe they made it for the internet

before the WWE Network existed, but they're all on there. And they'll have four or five of the old guys from like the 70s who sit around and talk about the old days. Sure, like Gorgeous George. No, he's like the 50s. I'm talking like Pat Patterson, Michael P.S. Hayes, like that,

or J.J. Dillon will be on there. And it's really great. Dusty Rhodes is on a lot of them. It's great because when you get these guys together, they forget that this is like a real fucked up carny world. And they start telling these stories and forget that the camera's on and they're really dark and strange. And it's great. It's great.

Do you have a favorite example, Chris? Yeah. There's one where Dusty Rhodes talks about the first time that he met Rowdy Roddy Piper. And he says that I believe it was him and Dick the Bruiser, if I remember right, where they were on the road and Ric Flair was on the same card as them. And Ric Flair was complaining because he had hemorrhoids. He said he had a real bad hemorrhoid. And he revealed that a hemorrhoid was hanging out of his asshole. Oh, my gosh.

And Dusty Rhodes, he was like, I got to go to the doctor. And Dusty Rhodes was like, no, screw that. I'll fix it. So Dusty Rhodes put on a rubber glove, put Vaseline on his finger. Ric Flair got up on a table on all fours. And Dusty Rhodes was folding the hemorrhoid back into his ass. Oh my God. And then rowdy,

Roddy Piper walked into the room and Dusty Rhodes was like, Oh, hi, young blood. I heard good things about you. It was a good work, a young kid. And that's how he met Roddy Piper.

And these guys are just sitting there and they're all giggling. And it's like, these are not stories I'm supposed to know. Sure. This is the reason you guys keep kayfabe. Take it to your grave. Yeah, there's things wrestlers do that I don't want to know about. It's all stories like that.

Oh, my gosh. It's great. It's great. Let's take another call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, most incredible guest I've ever heard. This is Brandon from Iowa. It's a little long, so I'll try to go fast. But a five-year-old started kindergarten this year,

and we just went to her first conference. And she scored over, well, about three times better than the benchmarks for reading and math. Her teacher said she's never seen a five-year-old who could do a long division. Can you pause this, Brian? Dude. I think this guy just called in to brag about his parent

teacher conference. Yeah, well, I mean, you were bragging about your giant-headed kids. So, you know, good for the goose. Sometimes I worry they're going to fall, like they're going to become unbalanced. You know what I mean? It was a concern for me. Equilibrium issues.

On the Gethard show, we did a bit where I was going to be flown around on a harness, and they have to balance that. So they put the harness on you, and they float you about a foot over the ground, and they just get it right. And no matter how they tried to balance it, I kept tilting forward, and my head would just hit the ground. There's nothing they could do to fix it. Classic punk.

It was pretty bad. Did you ever think that as in your capacity as mega head, you were in a way rivals to celebrated hip hop groupies super head? I've never considered it. Something to think about. I don't think we're competing in too many direct ways. Well, I don't know. Have you ever tried many direct ways. Well, I don't know. Have you ever tried to suck off Redman?

I can't say that I have. Probably not. Only met a couple rappers in my day. Yeah. But I don't think in the same capacity. Do we listen to the rest of this call? Yeah, I guess probably. Brian wouldn't have picked it if he didn't have something else to say besides just how great his kid did.

But you're so mad he's proud of his kid. That seems nice to me. It's nice that he's proud of his kid, but he doesn't have to else to say besides just how great his kid did. But you're so mad he's proud of his kid. That seems nice to me. It's nice that he's proud of his kid, but he doesn't have to tell me about it. Wow. I got to go to these conferences too, and maybe they're not working out as well for me. I will say there's a real level of anger that's entered this booth that I've never experienced. Jesse, are your children having problems with long division? You can save space if your children are having problems with long division.

Can I tell you something that a conversation I had with my wife yesterday? I said to her, I take my four-year-old son who's about to turn five. I take him to pre-kindergarten every day. It's like a new school. He's just started this year. It's lovely. It's a wonderful place. And I'm the one that drops him off.

It's lovely. It's a wonderful place. And I'm the one that drops him off. So I bring him into the class and I said to my wife, like, I get so upset in the morning because I can't tell who's saying hi to me because I say hi to everyone because they work there. They're like a teacher or a playground attendant or something like that. And who's saying hi to me just out of a general sense that you should say hi to everyone in the school because it's like a school community or whatever. I'm like, I can't pick these apart. It's making me crazy. And my wife looked at me and she just said, well, you could just say hi back. And I was like, oh, wow.

Yeah. Whoa. You don't have to. And then we zoom into your eyes and you're seeing the universe. Exactly. The Big Bang. Just say hi back. Just wave.

Say good morning. Yeah, that seems hot enough for you. You don't have to. Okay, go ahead and press play, Brian. We've seen a five-year-old who can do long division, and they're going to skip her straight on through to second grade, which was super exciting, so I wanted to do something special for her. And we have this place here called Sky Zone,

which we walked in, and the place is wall to wall. I mean, up the walls, the entire floor, everywhere is trampolines. And there's basketball and human bowling and some gymnastic stuff. And it's all just trampolines. My daughter looked at me and she got these big watery eyes and she said, I heard about this place, but I didn't think it was real. She said, I love you so much, Daddy. And then we had, like, the best day ever. So pretty momentous occasion.

You know, just making children's dreams come true. And she listens to this, too. We listen in the car. So love you, Ashlyn. She'll be excited. All right. Thanks, guys. Love you. Keep listen in the car. So love you, Ashlyn. She'll be excited. All right. Thanks, guys. Love you.

Keep doing what you do. Okay. So first of all, she shouldn't listen to this. Why is she listening to this? How is she going to feel about the part where you paused the message to yell about her being bragged about? And didn't even congratulate her for doing such a good job on long division. It's a hard division.

Can I ask you a question? Yes. So I've never been to a trampoline. Is it about what human bowling is? Because I do not know. Yes. All I want to know. Okay.

So he said it as though you would expect. It was in a list of things. It's like, oh, yeah, we were at the fun center. There was go-karts. Like that kind of list. What salad dressings do you have? Oh, blue cheese, ranch, balsamic. Yeah.

And it really sounds like something from the court of Louis Couture. Sure. Like Louis XIV is like, bring me the Turks. I wish to do my human bowling. Like that is terrifying. Yeah. Do you think you get launched towards the pins or a ball gets launched towards you and your friends? That's what I pictured.

I pictured ten humans standing like bowling pins and just kind of waiting for something to hit them. But neither one of those sounds trampoline-based. That's true. Yeah. How are you propelled horizontally? Yeah. I imagined somebody running up, doing a jump onto a trampoline wall that bounces them backwards headfirst into a group of people. How does everyone not die?

Well, that's my question. Yeah. I don't know. All I have to say about it is good morning. I can't wait to look up human bowling. Yeah. Sky Zone human bowling. Sky Zone.

Yeah. I mean, did we get what's the day here? Minnesota in here? That sounds right. I think Chicago. Okay. I think I've driven past Sky Zone. Yeah.

It sounds like maybe it's a chain. Winnipeg? Sure. Who knows? Yeah. Zone. Yeah. It sounds like maybe it's a chain. Winnipeg? Sure. Who knows? Yeah. Yeah. If you're a human bowling enthusiast, get at us on Twitter. Let us know what human bowling is.

I listen to a lot of a baseball podcast called Effectively Wild. And maybe a year and a half ago, a couple baseball players in a row got injured. Like, you know, their livelihoods were affected by injuries that they got on giant trampolines. And I can't look at a giant trampoline without thinking about these baseball players and their lives gone awry because they chose to jump on them. Now, to me, a giant trampoline seems you might as well close your eyes driving on the freeway. That's how dangerous a giant trampoline seems. Every time I see one, I just look at that metal edge. That's all I can see. Yeah. If your ankle, it's a good way to roll an ankle. Yeah. To be fair, I'm not fun. I'm not fun in an ankle. To be fair, I'm not fun. I'm not fun in any way.

You seem fun. I'm not fun. My wife is very fun, and then I make things less fun. I recently realized that. My wife makes every situation more fun, and I think I genuinely make most situations like a third less fun. Do you plan a lot of get-togethers? No.

For example, we visited my parents in Florida. They spend some time every year in Florida. And we drove past one of these, like, janky, like, road. Like, you know how Florida will have, like, one of these weird amusement parks just on the side of a highway? Yeah. I don't know that, but it tracks. Yeah, you see them there. And I always drive by them.

I'm like, that seems dangerous. And my wife was like, pull over. I'm going on some of these. And her and her friend, like, went on some of these rides where I was like, these don't seem like they're up to code. I'm like, this is not, I'm not fun. She's fun and freewheeling. I'm so not fun. We took my son

for his fifth birthday to Legoland in Carlsbad, California. That sounds good. It's fine, yeah. It's perfectly nice. And I went on, I got, my daughter was like, I want to to go, I want to go on this ride. Who wants to go with me? And I said, I'll go on that ride with you.

And I got in line and realized it was a roller coaster. Oh, boy. Now, I want to be clear. Legoland is designed for children ages 2 to 12. Yeah. But as soon as I got. Everybody else, go fuck yourself. Yeah.

There's a part on the website where it says, will my teenager enjoy Legoland? And they say, it depends on their level of passion for Lego brand building blocks. Sure. They're one of those Duplo teens. Yeah. So I'm in line and I'm already in line when I realized that it's a roller coaster. And I was like, you know what? Number one, my daughter is excited about this.

She's seven. Number two, I'm an adult man. I've done many things that were scary to me or difficult for me. This isn't actually dangerous. There's no problem here. You know what I mean? I can just do this. You know, it's like there was a brief period where I got nervous on airplane flights. And then I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. I've been on lots of airplanes. It's always fine. If I notice myself getting worried, I'll just be like, come on, give me a break, self.

This isn't anything. Have a seltzer. Yeah. So I decided to take that approach to this whirly gig. What's it called? Roller coaster. You had a seltzer? Yeah, just had myself a seltzer.

Luckily, there was a seltzer girl going around with a tray full of seltzers. Convenient. I also bought a pack of Lucky Strikes from her. I just was like, you know what? I'm not going to worry about this. This is a children's roller coaster. It's going to be fine. I got on the roller coaster with my daughter. This roller coaster, I would estimate generously at 35 seconds,

maybe 40 seconds, but certainly not more than that i don't think i've ever hated anything more in my entire life i hated it so much i like i was on it and i was thinking i hope this ends before i start crying that was like an actual thought that occurred to me in my head here Here's how not fun I am. I've just been fucking thinking about a spam commercial for weeks. Not actually buying the spam and making it. It's right. It's easy.

Get yourself a nice spam musubi. Just sitting around thinking about spam but not actually doing anything about it. Sometimes if you stop by like a Hawaiian or Filipino restaurant, you can just buy a spam musubi right there at the counter wrapped up in saran wrap and chomp on that. It's great. It's a great snack on the go. A musubi? Yeah, just get yourself a musubi.

If something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Or just hit us with a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, DJGo at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. Yeah, I mean, I guess it all

starts with I'm awakened by children. There are children in my house. They're waking me up. And like the coffee doesn't even work anymore. I've been drinking so much coffee for so many years straight now. It doesn't do anything. Like, it just only makes sure I don't get a headache, probably. It's more medicinal now. Yeah. Like, I have to just drink it so that I don't probably get a headache. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job.

Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Riley Smurl. I'm Sydney McElroy. And I'm Taylor Smurl I'm Sydney McElroy and I'm Taylor Smurl and together we host a podcast called Still Buffering where we answer questions like

why should I not fall asleep first at a slumber party? how do I be fleek? is it okay to break up with someone using emojis? and sometimes we talk about bugs no we don't nope

find out the answers to these important questions and many more on Still Buffering, a sister's guide to teens through the ages. I am a teenager. And I was too. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts. Change your mind for too many times. Over and over again. Over and over again.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And hi, this is Chris Gethard, a.k.a. Head Headly. Oh, that's fun. That was another one. It was another one from the youth. You know what?

Head Headly. That was more of a high school era one, Head Headly. Yeah, that's a little more sophisticated. Yeah, yeah. I was old enough to enjoy that one. You're like, all right, bullies. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That was more my friends razzing me, that one. I mean, Chris, let, bullies. That's pretty good. That was more my friends razzing

me. Yeah. That one. I mean, Chris, let's take a look at the facts here. Number one, a handsome man. I don't know if I agree with that, but thank you. Number two, you've got a fun wife. Oh, incredible wife. Yeah. Incredible wife. That is a big bone. That's a good check mark in the positives column. Number three. I think we can project. Current projections suggest. I just looked at 538.com. Okay. Current projections suggest that your dad loves you. Well, Nate Silver really has messed up sort of famously in the past.

No, my dad is the best. I know for a fact my dad loves me. He just won't sign off on it. Number four, you're a success in show business, Chris. There's no doubt about it. You've had television programs, television specials, successful books. You have two comic memoirs, one of which is going to help a lot of people. Yeah. It's weird. You have two comic memoirs, one of which is going to help a lot of people. Yeah. It's weird.

It's funny because I recognize all that. But it's one of those situations where the more things I do, the more I realize that accomplishments don't solve your insecurities and your problems. I still feel them. Although I can admit now that I am a success. I'm no longer like the – I realized that it was a little disrespectful for me to keep uh pushing the idea that i am an underdog i had to move on from that jason manzoukas pulled me aside and was like this underdog thing hmm people yeah i'm an hbo special you're not an underdog focus on straight talk from manzoukas gives it to me man gives it to me let Man, I would have loved – Zooks gives it to me, yes. Let's focus on what's important, wearing the same clothes every day. Yes, yes.

And really cultivating the perfect crazy eyes take. Yes, absolutely crazy. Yes. And just a real aggressive style of yelling. A really aggressive yelling in comedy. Man, I just a couple – a few weeks ago watched the now legendary episode of your television program, The Chris Gethard Show, where Mantzoukas and Shear and you, there is a dumpster on stage with something inside it. Yeah. And the theme of the episode is them trying to guess what is inside the dumpster.

Thank you for watching. I'm proud of that one. I would say don't spoil it. I'm not spoiling it. I think if you're out there listening, go watch it. No, because I genuinely, this is up on, you can watch it on your tube. Yeah. And it is, it's just one of the most delightful episodes of television you could ever enjoy.

Thank you so much. It is truly magical. I watched it with my wife. My wife doesn't know from Chris Gethard. I mean, she doesn't have a problem with Chris Gethard. A lot of people don't. Chris Gethard's a lovely guy, and she could probably tell once you walked on stage and showed some of your ad-lib charm. Thank you so much.

But she doesn't – she's not a fan. I get this a lot. What is the point of this? Yeah, where are you going, man? Where are you going with this? Yeah. But she sat down with me. Is this going to end with you calling him bonk again?

Because, dude, we've been kicking this dude. We've been doing it too much. She sat down with me, and we yucked it up for the solid 40 minutes of television. It was a joy. So I recommend, if anybody out there is not sure about, they don't know Chris Gathard from A Hole in the Ground. Why? Again, why? That's a great place to start.

Again, many people know you from A Hole in the Ground. Some people do. But it's a great place to start. Thank you. Yeah, I'm proud of it. It's funny because the show got canceled and it was definitely time and I'm not upset about it. And it was not always a perfect show and it was often – it often missed. That was part of the ethos that we were willing to let it be bad sometimes but i will say that

that episode um i'm like i did make that i did make i'll always have that and uh you know seth meyers was very nice and said it was the best episode of television he saw that year and uh that meant a lot to me and And it's a cult classic. And I'm proud of it. You're good looking. I don't know. Sexual dynamo. Yeah, definitely. Great at wrestling.

Okay, I'm a blue belt. It's the second worst belt. That ain't white. It ain't white. That belt ain't white. It ain't white. Yeah. Not even close.

Chris Catherd, it has been a delight to have you on the program. Thank you for coming and joining us thank you it was a real joy and as I said when we paused briefly I'm also so sorry if I slowed this down

or ruined it for anybody no it's great we loved it everybody loves Gethard I had so much fun everybody loves Gethard we had fun just don't hit on my wife

I had fun yeah no that was and again please feel free to tweet your TurboGrafx-16 themed fan art. Just know that if you go too hard, I see them all. Don't go. The pain is real. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I think just stick with pregnant Christian Bonk and we're totally fine. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. If you hear a dislocated laughing voice, that's his piercing the fourth wall of podcasting. You can email us at jjgoe at MaximumFun.org. Call us at 206-984-4FUN. You can join us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com, on Facebook by liking Jordan Jesse Go. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris. And you're just at Chris Gethard, right, Chris?

On Twitter, it's Chris Gethard. On Instagram, it's Chris Geth. Yeah, like a little shorter. It's easier to type. Yeah, trying to keep it hip. You are very hip as well. Oh, thank you so much. You're a real hipster.

I was. You probably have a hi-fi at home. I tell you what, yeah. For listening to jazz albums. I mean, we do have a record player at home, but I used to be hip. I'm on the other side of it now, but it's okay. It's all good. Who cares?

Yeah, who cares? Bye, everybody. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye, everybody.