Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 559: Avatarred and Feathered with Helen Zaltzman

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

Helen Zaltzman (Answer Me This!, The Allusionist) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the overpriced poo museum (poo-seum) that Helen visited in New Zealand that didn't live up to it's theme,��the Sega Genesis games that Jesse has trouble resisting at thrift stores, the lack of bedside manner in Helen's British healthcare providers, and Jordan's karaoke strategy for someone who is bad at karaoke.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you doing? We're recording on an afternoon today. Yeah. This feels like luxurious. Well, I'm realizing how much more my eczema flares up in the afternoon.

Really? You're having some midweek eczema, huh? Yeah, I've got an itchy elbow, and I don't know how it's going to affect my performance. We've got to get you on the- Probably. Negatively. We've got to get you on the roids, the topical roids, that is. Yeah. I don't know how much more roids I can handle in my life.

I'm doing so much juicing already. Really? Yeah. I thought you were just shooting up flaxseed oil. That was my understanding. Man, that was two months ago, baby. Okay. I thought you were just shooting up flaxseed oil. That was my understanding. Man, that was two months ago, baby. I have moved on. What's a B12 shot? I don't

know, but I'm getting one in the ass every week. It's not making me feel better, but I'm afraid if I stop doing it, it'll make me feel worse. Like a B12 shot is like what Ariana Grande would get. I don't know what Ariana Grande would get.

After a certain amount of time touring. I don't feel enough. I know enough about Ariana Grande to say whether or not she gets a B-12 shot. I feel like a B-12 shot is what a pop star gets when they need a medical treatment for an emotional collapse. Here's what I think a B12 shot is. Here's the one reference for someone I know in my life having something that I think is a B12 shot. Can I offer what I think just real quick?

Yeah. I think it's the same as a V8 shot, but I'm not sure. Sure, yeah. It's all your day's fruits and vegetables just injected into the ass. I have some buddies who do like a yearly Vegas trip. And I'm like, I go every like third time. You know, I don't go to everyone, but if I can swing it, it's a lot of fun.

Sure, you got a giant drink. Yeah. Everyone's smoking. Yeah, drinking, smoking. Terry Fetor. Is he dead? The top three. By the way, a Las Vegas Weekly just picked the top three Las Vegas activities for 2018.

They were drinking, smoking. Oh, drinking beat out smoking. And Terry Fetor. Terry Fetor, who may be dead if he is. Rest in peace. Rest in peace, in peace terry fator stanley too while we're at it um rita rudner long may you reign the new number three baby um and they so and you know it's a it's a hard drinking affair this vegas trip but one uh but one year someone came and brought a spouse who was a paramedic and she brought anti-hangover sacks. So everyone was hungover.

And in the morning, she – just when everyone was hungover, she gave everyone these anti-hangover like drips, like these IVs just in the hotel room. And they were better. And then they went out drinking again. And I have – and I regret not trying this. It sounds so fucking wild. And I didn't go that year. And I think whoever brought this person has since broken up with that spouse. So the anti-hangover person isn't coming on the trip anymore.

I'm never going to get to have an anti-hangover sack. It sounds like you need to turn in Tinder and start up with 911. Yeah. Just start calling 911. Yeah. Hi, can you send a few really cute EMS workers? Hey, 911? Yeah.

What are you watching on Netflix right now? Any brothers or sisters? I'll get to my emergency in a minute. Hi, 911. I mostly watch documentaries. Sure, right. Yeah. Do you love a good dive bar?

Our guest on this week's program visiting us from, well, I was going to say from the United Kingdom, but the honest truth is she's a woman without a home. She has a peripatetic lifestyle. Wow. It's like the Hulk. Cool. Is the Hulk not a Hulk? No, he wanders.

Really? Sure. I didn't know that about the Hulk. I guess that's more a characteristic of the 70s TV Hulk. If you have a P.O. box. Yeah. By the way. Just went once a week to check his mail.

A host of Answer Me This and the illusionist Helen Zaltzman. Hi, and also someone who had to self-administer B-12 shots for the last year. Really? Yes. Tell us about it. I will. What did we get wrong? Was it a condition of your visa?

You can only come into America if you're off the charts. I had some routine blood tests last fall, as we don't call it in Britain. And after mine, I got a call from the nurse who has a very flat affect. So this is her sounding worried. Your blood is showing an abnormally low level of vitamin D and b12 and your organs could shut down and uh so uh make your peace with your god it's me sean connery she was um i mean imagine the opposite of sean connery and i think you've got her. She was great because I used to see her in the mornings. Because after 10.30, I'm out of here.

I was very enchanted by her. She's very even keel in the voice. So anyway, she gave me a shitload of syringes, given that I had to do one injection every three months. She gave me like 20 syringes that I was carrying around in the suitcase that I live in. And I did them in the arm because I think in Britain, we don't tend to give ourselves shots in the ass. I think that might be an American thing. You're too modest. We can't take our pants off. It's conditions of our passports. Never nudism. My understanding is that only recently,

as Britain has become a more multicultural society, have Britons had butts. We still don't have butts. And I think with Brexit, we will have even less. You have to turn in your butt. Speaking of conditions of visas. Sure. There'll just be an empty space between our waists and our knees.

You're visiting from Italy. You've got gotta leave it out the airport. Now, if you guys don't have butts, how did Sir Mix-a-Lot get knighted? This doesn't make sense. You guys want us to stop today? Just stop for now? Yeah. Well, conditions

were looser in the 80s. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's been a real clampdown on butt having. So you were traveling the world, giving yourself B12. Did you buy local B12? No, the nurse with the flat affect gave me my B12s for the year. And then I had to carry them around and then deliver myself one every 12 weeks. What does it do? No idea.

It got her off my case. Sure. But I think it's quite a common deficiency, that and vitamin D, especially in Britain, because we don't have sunlight there either. We don't have butts or sunlight. Right. So sun can't shine out of your ass. That's a thing.

And I feel like that really informs our national character. Did you feel differently when you had the B12? I felt like I'd given myself a shot in the arm. OK. But only in the literal way and not in the kind of character way. And once I got the angle really wrong and that was quite bloody um and i always felt a bit furtive disposing of these syringes in like airbnbs and stuff was it like a subcutaneous shot or was it our apologies to all of the people who uh are upset by needles and stuff but you know we can't

please everyone um was it the kind where are there people who don't like hearing about needles i probably okay i think there are well we're sorry at jd power if you've got questions and concerns about the program uh is it the kind that just pokes you or is it the kind that has to go into your blood it it um goes about an inch into your arm muscle. So you didn't have to find a vein. Is it the kind that goes cha-chunk? No. Because I take a medicine where it's like an EpiPen or something where you chub out your tum-tum first. You got to squeeze your tum-tum to chub it out. I mean, I don't have to squeeze it that much.

I got plenty down here. And you poke yourself, but you don't feel it. And then you press a little thing and there's like a little spring-loaded jabber. And you got to count to 10 and then take it out. Oh, wow. And how often do you have to do that? Once a month. Right. And no, it was a full-on syringe, but I did have a bunch of those in hospital. I was in hospital for three weeks and there's something they give you each day that's like

that into your chub chub to stop you getting blood clots. And depending on the nurse, it either felt like nothing or hurt a lot. You ever had a chub clot? No, never had a chub clot. All of my ailments just require me to cover myself sitting creams. Just on your creamy elbow. Yeah, I have like a lot of ailments that a cream would fix. Have have we all reached the age now i'm gross talk about his ailments yeah i think that's about right i mean that's what 34 yeah ailments uh we heard

some music that we gather is popular with young people that we didn't get it's too lively yeah um and also like remembering the sega genesis these are the three things that we like to do. I saw some Sega Genesis games in the Goodwill the other day. Oh, yeah? I didn't buy them, but I could have did. You could have. I could have. What did you?

I felt it well up inside me. Yeah. Acquire Genesis games. Yeah. The two things is if I see Sega Genesis games at the... Well, because you were kind enough a couple years ago to buy me this fake Sega Genesis that you can play Sega Genesis games at the, well, because you were kind enough a couple years ago to buy me this fake Sega Genesis that you can play Sega Genesis games on. But that and boxes of unopened baseball cards at the flea market, which are everywhere because

there were too many baseball cards in 1992. Sure. Then many of them just went unopened. Not spending that $5 is so hard for me. So hard. Was there anything in particular you're like, I got to grab this? Oh. Not spending that $5 is so hard for me. So hard. Was there anything in particular you're like, I got to grab this? Oh, I wanted.

NHL 95? I have NHL 95. Oh, okay. So you don't need it. Yeah, I'm also on NHL 95. But you're going to maybe want to get a backup copy. I didn't see, like, honestly, the one thing that I would have a hard time resisting is the game Flashback, which was the only, like, adventure game that I had. I only had, like, four games. So it's the one that I don't have

from my childhood. And I remember it being much too hard for a 10-year-old. Yeah, Flashback is very hard. And I probably wouldn't enjoy it now, but still wanted to buy it. Wanted to buy it. But didn't. But didn't.

But didn't. But crucially didn't. I'm out of video games now, Jordan, by the way. You're out. I'm all out. I played my Hitman that I've been playing. Hitman's done. I killed all the bad guys.

Yeah. And then they have a thing where you can go and kill guys that other people suggest that you kill. Oh, so like you're an assassin. Yeah, and you guys sneak around. And you go to like a town like you're an assassin. Yeah, and you guys sneak around. And you go to like a town and you got to go kill them. But then there's like, like somebody was like,

one of the missions, like go kill all the priests in the church. Like, all right, I'll do that. I'll go kill these priests. I'm not doing anything right now. Yeah, so I go in the church and a priest saw me. They're probably evil.

Yeah, a priest saw me and it ended my game. And I was like, I didn't know the and a priest saw me. They're probably evil. Yeah. A priest saw me and it ended my game. And I was like, I didn't know the priest couldn't see me. So then I was like, I'm out on this. I'm done. So you didn't kill the priest? I have a low level of tolerance for... Mass murder. Well, apparently a high level.

This is not mass murder. This is mid-scale. I mean, how many priests? Three or four. Okay. Yeah. It mid-scale. I mean, how many priests? Three or four. Okay. Yeah. It's getting close. I mean, it's a lot.

And it's also a hate crime. Yeah. Well, some people hate priests. Yeah. If there's more than one location, it could count as a spree. Yeah. If you do it in the same burst of priest-killing anger. Yeah.

I mean, I was going to do it kind of Bonnie and Clyde style through the American Midwest. That sounds like that'd be fun. Maybe we could see America. God, I'd love to take historic Route 66 on a spree. Yeah. A good highway for a spree. Yeah. But if it's not in the same burst of murderous anger, then it's serial killing rather than spree killing.

By the way, a lot of nice stores, convenience stores, where you can get sprees still. Oh, sure. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Nice regional candy. Helen, you're doing this, but without the murder, right? Sure, without the murder.

Yeah. Wink, wink. You're on an entertainment spree. That's true. Yeah. Well, like a serial entertainment. Edutainment. Edutainment.

Yeah. Because learning can be fun. I listen to your show, Answer Me This regularly. Yes. I mean, it's a twice a month show now. Yeah, it's an irregular show. I listen to the program and every time you're recording, your co-host Ollie is in his lonely suburban family home in the outreaches of London or something. He loves it.

And then I've met the man. I know his steez. He's delighted by it. He just wants a little garden to take care of. He's extended his Costco cupboard with his recent home renovations. I would love an extended Costco. That is very appealing to me right now. It's where you stack up all the things you bought from Costco because you can't keep them in a normal cabinet.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like sometimes I'm at Costco and I'm looking at those beans. My God, I'd love to have a place for all those beans. I have not been in a Costco in years. Really? It used to be I would go with my family as a kid, but I have not had, I have not lived in a Costco space for years. Are you still also getting through

the stuff you bought when you were a kid? Yes, yeah, yeah. I am still eating cans of stag chili from 1998. The fork stands up in it. It's so meaty. I go to Costco like three times a year. 1998, that was the year for stag chili.

I think they changed the spices after that. So if you can get some 1998 stag, do yourself a favor. You know what's a great topping for stag chili? Spree. Oh, yeah. Just crumble some spree on there. I will go to Costco, and because I resist going, all Costco needs build up. And then also Costco is designed to get you to buy.

Like last time I was at Costco, I bought silicon baking mats, which are great. Oh, yeah. And I only had one and I needed more than one. So you bought 60. But then I bought three more. Yeah. But like I will get done with my order. And, you know, I'll buy liquor for my wife who's a real alky.

She's not. And, you know, like this kind of things. And then you get – they're like, okay, $700. And you're like, holy shit. But then you never have to go to the grocery store again. Like there's this week after you go to Costco where instead of eating regular groceries, you only eat the things that you bought at Costco.

Like sheet cake. Yeah, you're just like you bought one four-pound box of spinach and you're just every meal is spinach-based. I still feel like when I go to visit my mom down in Huntington Beach and she's moved. she does not live in our

childhood home anymore i still feel like when i go in her freezer in the home that she's moved into there is still a box of bagel dogs that i remember from our childhood home how does a bagel dog work is there a hot dog poking through the bagel hole uh so it is a the the bagel has been made like a candlelight solid yeah like a man and a life preserver right no see the bagel has been uh altered to envelop the hot dog so it is a bagel shell uh and there is a hot dog inside a hot dog that has been manipulated into circles? No, no. The bagel is not bagel-shaped.

It is a... The whole thing is hot dog-shaped. It is like hot dog... It's a kind of anti-Semitism thing. It's a hot dog within a bun that is also a bagel. It's an outrage. I know.

It's terrible. I, speaking of Helen's Altman Projects, I saw your delightful show last night. Thank you so much for coming. The Illusionist Live. Yeah.

It's a ton of fun. Hey, Bootleg Theater, get another bartender anyway. Yeah. Or Judge John Hodgman Live this January. Yeah. Will there be two bartenders? Hard to say. Bring your own bartender.

But something that I – that I you're talking about your travels in the show and something that I noticed is that when you were in New Zealand recently I didn't get to New Zealand

because I was hospitalized in Australia okay so I had to cancel the New Zealand thing what's an Australian hospital like? oh well it was

good because it was free to me as a British person. So fantastic. And also there's some lighthearted slang. Like paramedics are called ambos.

That sounds wrong. Ambos. Are Australian hospitals free to all members of the Commonwealth? I don't know whether it's a special deal they've got with Britain or not, but I checked in at the emergency room and she was like, oh, it's free for Brits. And that was all the admin I did. Wow. I know, right? And then I milked it for three and a half weeks.

Yeah. And how? Now you've got that cool. Five CAT scans. I got attacked with a knife scar on your neck. Yeah. I went for a blood test when I was back in Britain. She was like, were you stabbed?

And in a manner of speaking, I was. That seems like a rude thing for a phlebotomist to ask you. Well, also, I saw a surgeon in the UK because I've got to have more surgery. And he was like, why is your scar that way around? And I was like, I don't know. I was literally unconscious when they delivered it. You weren't directing the action. You don't seem to have a lot of luck finding health care providers with any bedside manner. We are very critical.

Yeah. But I think it's also because in Britain we have less polite service than some other cultures. So maybe it's just an extension of that in our health care. Do you know what occurred to me the other day? I think part of the problem with finding a friendly doctor is that all doctors have to do like two years of organic chemistry. And it's hard to find somebody who both is willing to do that and wants to be friendly. Oh, sure. Right.

Yeah. The temperament of someone who does a lot of organic chemistry is not someone who just wants to chit chat. Yeah. I mean, not necessarily always, but I think it's just tough to find like someone who's willing to do that amount of studying specifically. Like hard studying. Sure. Most

friendly people, they can't be bothered. Right. But she's busy watching docs on Netflix. Yeah. They love docs. Making money as a salesperson maybe. Yeah. Customer service. Having weekends. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Sleeping regularly. Yeah. Full of endorphins because of all the orgasming. Yeah. That's how it works, right? Jordan, speak for yourself is what you're doing now. Wait, what? You're speaking for yourself. Oh, sure, because of all... Yeah. You're friendly and you're full of orgasms.

Sure, yes. Wait, so where did you... Okay, so there was a story about seeing a poo museum but not going into the poo museum. Well, I went in. I just didn't want to pay. Was that not New Zealand? Am I wrong about that? That was in Australia. Oh, okay.

I mean, it's similar. There are countries nearish to each other. Yeah, so there is a museum dedicated to animal poo called the Poo-seum. But the owner's principle was not to have too much poo in it, but mainly to have text about poo in it. So you can go in there and read about poo for $16 a person. Wow. So were there like emojis or drawings?

No, it was a very non-emojical place. Wow. So it was mainly text panels. But then at the back, there's a sort of section where there's like seven piles of different animals' poos, and you can guess which animal laid the poos. Do they have the animals on hand? The animals have left the building. Okay. Or they didn't want to pay the $16.

So they go get them once in a while? What, the animals? No, the poos. The poos. Yeah. Well, bringing back their own poos. Well, are these permanent perma-poos? I don't know.

It had only been open for three weeks at the time, so I don't know whether she had a plan for refreshing the poos or whether they are, in fact, artificial poos. I'm going to be frank with you, Helen. This sounds like a fly-by-night operation. I felt so, and I also felt it was a little overpriced. Sure. Optimistic. I mean, and a lot of times, you'll see this on social media a lot. People will say something is a museum, but really it's just a place to go and, you know, take some Instagrams.

Yeah, I hate those museums. Sounds like this poo museum is one of these. It's the opposite thing because what are you going to Instagram yourself against? 10,000 words about poos? Sure, yeah. It's not going to show up in the background. Yeah. Really, you want like a huge heap of shit and you Instagram yourself in front of it.

Like, you know, the ball pond in the Museum of Ice Cream, but little turds. Right. Or maybe they can smear poo on the wall. It could be like a dirty protest. So it looks like angel wings. And then you can stand in front of the poo wings and you'll look like a beautiful angel. Do you have a spare building? Because you could make $30 a person out of this.

I know. I just got to get a loft. God, I got to get a loft. Get yourself a nice loft. Get a loft, get some poo, and then just rake in those Instabucks. It promotes itself. There's one I walk past on my way home from therapy or my way to my car from therapy that's called the Pizza Museum or something.

Sure. That sounds about right. And walking past it, just one glance at the foyer, just the foyer, makes it abundantly clear. This is not somewhere you should send your money. Like it is, it looks like, do you know the kind of quality, not the busyness, but the quality of like a middle school carnival? Yes, sure. Like where the parents all came earlier that day and made some stuff. That's what you can see through the window of the pizza museum.

And I imagine it's $20. No, there's no pizzas there for one thing. I mean, maybe there's pizzas inside. I don't know. It's not good enough. I'd like to eat a lot of pizza. I'd like to go to a pizza cook-off. I mean, that's not a museum though, is it?

In a museum, you're not supposed to eat the exhibits. Mm. I went to a— Is that so? Supposedly. Don't let me read the Egyptian stuff. I got an apology letter to write to the LACMA. Sure.

Sorry, Guarnica. I ate you. Never trust someone who brings hot sauce into an art gallery. Intentions are not honorable. Yeah, if someone is looking at a piece and they're tucking a napkin into their neck and they're... But then their subsequent poos would be so valuable. Yeah, oh yeah. That's a real Banksy there.

What's the art? Is it the piece or is it the poo after you've eaten the art? I don't know. I don't know. If I wasn't supposed to eat the Van the van go why'd they bring me ketchup when i asked i went to a museum that was the upside down museum and it's one of those things that um they you go in and the attendants actually shove you into place to take a picture of you where it appears that you're upside down but really they've just glued a lot of house stuff

to the ceiling and i just wanted to examine examine how they had made this fake house and that it was upside down. So I'm interested in props and set design and stuff. And they were not having it at all. So all the photos I have of just me looking really pissed off and not playing along. To be fair, I saw a photo of your husband Martin in that museum. And I was like, you know what, that's pretty dope. I'd like to go in a house where everything's on the ceiling. That sounds fun. Where was this? This was in Penang in Malaysia, which is full of museums that aren't museums because you don't learn

anything. But he was very happy. I've got these photos of him pretending to climb into the fridge or pulling laundry out of the machine whilst dangling from the ceiling. That sounds pretty fun. It would be fun if it was real, but you don't go in and stand on the ceiling. You're standing on the ground. Like if it was a real house built by an upside down person.

Yeah. I also learned from your show that you guys had only, you and your husband, had only, you've done karaoke for the first time recently? Yeah. I find singing in public one of the only things that I get stage fright about. Yeah, same here. Yeah, things that are socially performative to be very awkward as well yeah i i uh you know i like i like getting up and you know yucking it up for a crowd but yeah like singing in public is is pretty terrifying to me and i definitely like you know feel a lot of stress when karaoke comes up because I want to be fun. I want to appear fun, but also I don't want to do that.

I had to sing the Judge John Hodgman theme music with our old producer, Dan, was a professional music producer before he came to work here. And I was like, Dan, let's just loop up this song, and then we'll record Judge John Hodgman super podcast instead of San Diego super chargers. And I don't think, I guess I had not sung since high school theater. Has it changed much?

Uh, yeah, it's way harder now. It's more terrifying by far. I was like, I was locked up. I was like, I cannot do this, I guess. Well, maybe at next Max Von Con you could have a karaoke event, which is all theme tunes of the Max Von shows.

But you don't have to do it. You can just introduce it and then leave. So what were the circumstances? Why had you not done karaoke for your entire life but only did it recently? Who roped you into it? Well, I've karaoke twice this year. And the first time was in Japan where it's pretty common. Sure.

And we were with some friends and they were like, you have to do this. And that's a threatening way. I mean, they didn't say it in such a threatening way. But the implication was clear. Sure. When in Japan, you get in a fucking karaoke booth and karaoke. And then the second time was... And if you shame your business, you commit suicide.

I've done a booth karaoke before. There's like a little Tokyo out here that has a lot of that. And Koreatown has a lot of that as well. Do you think that's better to perform it in a room where there's like five of your friends? Or is it better in a room full of people that are kind of anonymous to you? I will say that I'm uncomfortable with both. I don't want to do either. But the private room karaoke was more nerve wracking to me because it's the only thing people are doing in the room. I think when you're in a bar and it's busy and it's lively, you know, it's like the people

you're there with are maybe watching you. But I mean, I don't know. But it's when you're in those little rooms, all eyes are on you and people know how badly you suck. It's like a very poorly attended stand up gig. Yeah. Yes, exactly. It is a right. It's like a very poorly attended stand-up gig. Yeah, yes, exactly. It is a, right, it's an open mic for,

yeah, it's an open mic for, you know, singing a Green Day song. Yeah. But what was the second one? So the second one was a couple of months later in New York and I was with some friends and one of them is a very keen karaokeist and we were having a fun time.

So when he was like, oh, we should go to karaoke, there's a place along the street. And we were having a fun time. So when he was like, oh, we should go to karaoke. There's a place along the street. We're like, okay, sure. And then he turned out to be transcendentally good at karaoke, which I didn't think was a possible thing. Yeah, that's the thing

with those people who fucking suggest it is that they're good at it and they know how dumb you're going to look when they fucking wail. This is like the equivalent of a soloist in a church choir for a secular age. These people are not professional musicians, but they're too good to not show how good they are.

I feel like we were all elevated by his excellence and commitment. Because his song of choice that he starts off with is Fantasy by Mariah Carey. And you can't half-ass that. Yeah. But he had movements. It was very high level. High level, high pitch, also low pitch because of her range. He could do all of the parts in Love Shack

with a lot of characterization. So he had variety. He had technique. He had enthusiasm. Was it traditional characterization in Love Shack? Or did he make Fred Schneider Butch or something? No, I feel like he went for… Got me a car, it's big as a whale.

I'm about to set sail. Something, something man cave. I think he emulated the original tones struck in the various parts of Love Shack. I've never sung a karaoke I'm very afraid to. Yeah, well, I understand. Well, you and I also are both non-drinkers. Yeah. I think maybe it probably helps to be, as with dancing at a wedding, it helps to be a few drinks in to be willing to make that choice.

I mean, my policy is when karaoke seems like a good idea to me, I am too drunk to be out of the house. Like when I get the idea, I'm like, maybe I should try. Like, oh, you should also go home. Are you, Jordan, when you sing karaoke, I don't think I've ever heard you sing

in any context. Yeah, it's been, yeah, I've only done it, you know, maybe 20 times in my life when you have done it it seems like a lot do you do you

like Rex Harrison that shit or do you really go for it are you putting up fronts are you defending yourself against possible embarrassment something that's easy something you can kind of talk, sing. I mean, a great thing to do.

Trouble in River City. Trouble in River City. A great thing to do is like see if someone wants to do a duet with you. Find one of these karaoke showboats. You know, you flatter them so they want to do it because they're just a fucking showboat. So like Old Man River? Yeah, exactly. And also then you can look at them whilst performing the song and point at them rather than having to look at the audience.

Yeah. Yeah, there's a Johnny Cash song called Jackson. It's a duet with June Carter Cash. I remember the karaoke version in Walk the Line. Oh, sure. I've never seen it, but I'm sure they did a great karaoke in that. There's some really great scenic shots of waterfalls and jungles and stuff. Right, and then just a woman on a motorcycle.

Where did this come from? And that's great because Johnny Cash isn't good at singing. So you can kind of just do this. We got married in a fever. And people are like, hey. This, by the way, is Fred Schneider singing Johnny Cash. Right. The other thing you don't realize until you're karaoke-ing is how long songs are.

Yeah, songs are so long. Yeah, you're like, oh, no, there's another four minutes of this. You want first chorus and then cut to the next one. Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. So, yeah. So, but because June Carter Cash is great at singing, you can find a karaoke person to do that part. They can wail. And then you can just go up and do this.

And it's fine. And everyone likes it because everyone likes that song. Do karaoke's have trouble in River City from the music, man? Some do. Some have a great musical selection. I was in one of those. I was in a place in Koreatown that had their binder had a big musical thing. But so, you know, you never know.

Sometimes you're just getting a lot of, you know, sometimes you're getting a lot of 90s R&B. That's what everybody wants to do. They a lot of 90s R&B. That's what everybody wants to do. They want to do 90s R&B. Oh, you know, my problem is often people will put on the lineup Party in the USA, which I find a very mournful song. Oh, how so? Well, it's got a real... I was under the impression that was a banger.

It's got a real dirge quality. And also, it's clearly written by a Brit. So the lyrics are kind of off for something that is so USA-centric. Oh, sure. Is it actually written by a Brit, so the lyrics are kind of off for something that is so USA-centric. Oh, sure. Is it actually written by a Brit? It's written by Jessie J, a British person. I do think that modern pop music has a dirge-like quality to it. It all does seem like it's for someone who is just about to fall asleep from having a little too much NyQuil.

who is just about to fall asleep from having a little too much NyQuil. Pass the brown sauce for my burger sandwich. It's a line from Party in the USA. We don't call burgers sandwiches there. Oh. You've shown yourself up there. I've never heard it. It seems like something you guys would do, though. To be fair, it seems like some British, like, oh, we call burgers sandwiches.

Oh, beef time sandwich. Four o'clock, it's beef time. See, there you go. That's the Party in Britain song. The Queen has all the crusts cut off of her beef time sandwiches for the corgis. It's four o'clock, you gotta get some beef.

Because it's now beef time. Fuck. That's really good. Let's take a quick break so we can write a quick email to Ben from the Beef and Dairy Network and let him know we're encroaching on his territory. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Suite. Heart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, our friends at ZipRecruiter. You know what's not smart? Yeah, I do. The way hiring used to be. I was going to say the way hiring used to be. The way hiring used to be. It's not smart.

That way was not smart. Job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. Is that also what you were going to say? Yeah. Wow. We're really on the same page about this. There's a smarter way to hire. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo.

Their powerful matching technology finds the right people for you and actively invites them to apply. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. If you got a job opening, you can try it for free at that special URL. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. Guys, don't hire not smart. That's not their slogan. But I like the way it sounds. Don't hire not smart. That's not their slogan. But I like the way it sounds. Don't hire not smart.

Don't hire not smart. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJ Go. It's not not smart. We've also got some cool stuff coming up. We're going to be at SF Sketch Fest January 19th. Judge John Hodgman at the Castro Theater. January 19th also, but later, at Cobb's Comedy Club, the incredible blowout bubble live episode. All new.

Yes, it's all new in continuity episode of Bubble. Live Jonathan Colton. Jonathan Colton will be there doing songs. Special guest narrator Jean Grey. Eliza Skinner, Christella Alonzo, Alison Becker, Mike Mitchell, and some surprise celebrity guests. We're not at Liberty Dimension right now. But yeah, this is an all-new episode of Bubble, the first one since the first season ran. And we would love to see you there.

Also, Jordan and Jesse go at the Punchline, January 21st. Yeah, in the afternoon of January 21st, go to sfsketchfest.com for more information and maximumfun.org for ticket links. If you don't live in the San Francisco Bay Area, come join us at MaxFunCon. MaxFunCon 2019 tickets are on sale right now. This is usually when they go on sale and they usually are sold out by the new year. So come join us at MaxFunCon. You can find more information at maxfuncon.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Helen Zaltzman, exchange student. That's cool. Welcome to our home. Thank you. We hope you learn a lot about our culture and you go back with, you know, a newfound love of the colonies.

love of the colonies. We're going to be cooking you some of your favorite dishes from home to make you feel more comfortable. Like brown sauce. Beef sandwiches at 4pm. 4pm beef. At Beef Seas. At Beef Seas you have to...

With the time difference, that means we're having them at 8am. Pacific time. Exactly. And of course... Who's going to say a pile of blood? Pacific time. Yeah. Exactly. And of course. Haggis. Yeah. I was going to say a pile of blood. Nice blood pile.

Now, Jordan. Start the day. You have a new segment. I have just I wanted to, you know, I think we we had a lot of success back in the day with, you know, taking the discussion and kind of carrying it over into multiple episodes. I'm speaking, of course, of asking our guests what they thought a chode was. Yeah. Exactly. So the short, fat penis or is it the taint? Sure.

A lot of- Who thinks it's the taint? I think that was my understanding before- Oh, sweet, innocent Jordan Morris. Yeah. I mean, this is also an idea that's been very successful on Stop Podcasting Yourself. They had a really kind of beautiful moving segment that ran for quite some time called What is a Goblin? So, yeah.

I mean, again, I think we're in good company here. And so I think, you know, we had a lot of fun last week talking about which Avatar sequel we were the most excited about just based on the names that have come out recently. Because, Helen, I don't know if you know this, but we're gamers, geeks, fanboys. We love pop culture. We love this stuff. We love pop culture. Just anything totally pop. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Figurines. Franchises. Deadpool. Oh, she's so irreverent. Cons. Oh, I love cons.

I'm going to Con Con. Have you been to Con Con in Cancun? Con Con in Cancun? Yeah. Cons. Oh, I love cons. I'm going to Con Con. Have you been to Con Con in Cancun? Con Con in Cancun? Yeah. Yeah, you know, someone just tricked me into going into a fake casino, though. Okay. So it was actually something else. Yeah.

So just one. I mean, I know you're a big geek gamer. Great chorus girls at Con Con in Cancun, by the way. They really know how to do the lambada. Yeah, I've been on to Deadpool since he was live pooled. Right. So you're a fan from way back. So I just wanted to read you off the titles of the upcoming Avatar sequels and just wanted to get your feeling as to which one you're most excited about. So they are Avatar, The Way of Water, Avatar, The Seed Bearer,

Avatar, The Tolkien Rider, and Avatar, The Quest for Iwa. So which one of these are you more excited about? Just based on the name. Have you personally ever ridden a Tolkien? I mean, in Britain you're born riding a Tolkien. And they say you can never forget how to do it. It's sort of like learning to fence

in acting school. The British do it. The Americans have to do in acting school. The British do it. The Americans have to do it if it comes up for a movie. The seed one? It depends on what kind of seed. The seed bearer. Sesame seed or caraway seed. Also, I think they're better.

I bet it's a strong flavor for a tentpole picture. So if you've only got one seed, I think caraway is going to give you more than like one sesame seed or one poppy seed. That's a good point. You need like a few hundred seeds bearer and they're closely followed by the bagel bearer. You know, what about a single acorn? That could grow into the mighty oak. Yeah, it takes like hundreds of years though to achieve mightiness

oak-wise. I'm very patient. These are pretty long movies too, so I'm guessing. I'm looking forward to Avatar 7 in Avatar Nation and Avatar 8, Avatared and Feathered. I've never seen Avatar. What happens? What in Avatar Nation? Well, you got to get on it. I thought you were a real pop culture junkie, Helen.

Yeah, it's a little too mainstream. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. You'd prefer it if it was a zine. You'll see Avatar once it's a zine. I have an Avatar fanzine. Yeah? Yeah, it's called Blue Guys.

Oh, yeah? I photocopy it. There's a little REM stuff in there, too. Just kind of Athens, Georgia. Can people get it at the coffee shop by your house? Where can we pick up this zine? You gotta go to Athens, Georgia. That's where I live now. I make my zines there.

Okay. Can I take a few to Bionic Records in San Bernardino? Yeah, absolutely. Must be a really good coffee shop in Athens to cope with all the zine making. And just a cool DIY scene, you know? They still got Kinkos out there. I mean, that's the problem with LA. No Kinkos! Where's the Kinkos?

Where's the Kinkos? It's kind of lost its soul. No Kinkos. Where's the Kinkos? Where's the Kinkos? It's kind of lost its soul. No Kinkos, no Coscos. How do you live in this nightmare? I know. That's my dream day. Trip to Kinkos, trip to Costco. I'll always have Avatar, the highest grossing film of all time.

Anyway, so now that we've figured that out, you're most excited for Avatar 8, Avatar and Feathered. What an Avatar nation. I think it's a legitimate question. When something momentous happens to you, like you see an early cut of Avatar, The Way of Water, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, or send us a voice memo at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. By the way, I talked to somebody who saw an early cut. No water in it. What?

That's the way of water. Oh, my gosh. Dry the bone. He's a genius! It's a drought film. We thought he was going to zig, and he zagged. You thought it was the four-seamer. He gave you the splitter. Oh, man.

Fucking Cameron. Always two steps ahead. Exactly. 4D chess thatamer. He gave you the splitter. Oh, man. Fucking Cameron. Always two steps ahead. Exactly. 4D chess that guy. Let's take our first call. Good afternoon, Jordan, Jesse Guest. My name is Scott, and I'm from Thousand Oaks, California. Currently, I'm recording in a Holiday Inn bathroom.

I'm located in the tub. Now, my momentous occasion comes in the form of this long journey we took to get here to Burbank and this Holiday Inn. I was evacuated twice last night because of fires. First from my house to a friend's house and then from a friend's house to Burbank. I slept in my car, met up with my parents outside of a Denny's. Eventually we were able to locate a hotel room in the nearby area that we can stay. After all was said and done, we finally get into our hotel room 12 hours after we got evacuated at two in the morning.

into our hotel room 12 hours after we got evacuated at 2 in the morning. Everyone's stressed. Everyone's on edge. I decide to take a bath, and it turns out my mom has to go pee. And, you know, my momentous moment of shame came when, you know, she just came in, went to pee, right next to the tub. And I guess, you know, it makes me realize disasters make you closer. All right.

Have a great rest of your day. Bye. I think he means in disasters you make closer. Right. You make water closer to your family members. I'm glad Scott's safe. We're glad you're safe.

We're glad you're located in the tub. You've got your family members nearby. Very nearby. I like that Scott threw in a little Foley work, too. It was nice. There was a few...

Yeah, it was great. Yeah, great for atmosphere. I felt like I was there. That was straight from his mom's bladder. And it seems like this adventure took him to both a Holiday Inn and a Denny's. That's two great chances to get an amazing breakfast. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, you got the continental there at the Holiday Inn.

Yeah. You got muffins, banana. Tiny box of cereal. Tiny box of cereal, probably Special K. You ever eat the cereal out of that tiny box? I've had a couple. I don't love cereal, period. So I'm not, you know, the couple times I've had them, I'm not a guy who loves cereal.

And usually when I have the tiny box, it is very stale. What's your go-to? If I have to have a cereal? No, for breakfast. I mean, like a continental breakfast situation. I mean, just at home or you go to fried egg? Yeah, I'll fry an egg, bacon and eggs. I had a little oatmeal this morning, put some berries in there.

Oats are a cereal. Yeah, that's true. So I guess a cold cereal. I guess I'm more of a hot cereal kind of guy. It's good to know that about yourself. A hot cereal for a hot man. But you know how those tiny boxes, it has directions to turn it into a cereal bowl? Yes, yeah.

And I wonder if anyone has ever done that. That seems so ambitious. Oh, what you're saying is people are just eating it right out of the box. No, I think they're putting it in a bowl. They're putting it in a bowl. They're using it as a single serving cereal, amount of cereal, but they're putting it in a human bowl. Wait, so wait, what are you-

Made of human bone. So what are you confused about? So these little boxes of cereal, a lot of times they have a perforation along the center lengthwise on the back. Yeah. So that you can open up the box into a bowl with the plastic that the cereal's in. You open that up and it all becomes a bowl. Really? Yeah. I'm not making this up.

Man. Inspirational. I had no idea. Yeah. I was putting it into a human bowl. Idiot. Like some sort of fucking human. Yeah. Some sort of idea. Yeah. Yeah, I was putting it into a human bowl. Idiot. Like some sort of fucking human.

Yeah. Some sort of goddamn hot human. Yeah, man, I got that galaxy brain, homie. Man, I had no idea. Sure. 40 chess. Helen, when you're on the road, what's your breakfast of choice? It's usually an early lunch.

That's my breakfast of choice. Saves some time in decision making and also really opens up the repertoire. Sure, yeah. To many options. Are you eating local continental breakfasts while you're parapetizing? I mean, why not? We're on continents, right? Yeah, that's a good point.

That's true. When you're on Pangea. The Pangean breakfast is very yeah, it's very large. Everything is joined together. A lot of ferns. Does anyone love a continental breakfast? It's usually you know that you're getting the shit option. I like that sometimes when you're on the continent, in my experience, of Europe.

I've not spent a ton of time in Europe, but a few times I have gone and had a continental breakfast and there's a lot of cold cuts. Oh, sure. I like cold cuts and cheese. I don't like, I'm like you, Jordan. There's not a lot of breakfast foods that I'm in love with. So if there's, and especially like, I love, like I like bacon, but I don't want to eat that kind of sitting there in a, I mean, I'll eat it.

Don't get me wrong. Yeah, I'm all right with it. Throw a little of that between some toast. But if you're saying to me we have – you can just have cheese and cold cuts instead. Yeah, sold. I'll have salami for breakfast. May I recommend to you the country of Norway, which puts on a mighty breakfast buffet filled with many kinds of cold cuts, some phenomenal crisp breads,

which I wouldn't think was a phrase I would ever have cause to say, and many kinds of preserved fishes. Yeah, I'm concerned about, I guess my main concern, I've traveled a little bit in Northern Europe. My main concern is eating something that turns out to be fermented, that I did not anticipate was fermented. Like a fermented cold cut. Yeah. Cereal that's fermented.

Exactly. What happens if you eat something fermented? I mean, I guess yogurt is fermented. Is it a kind of gremlin situation? Yeah. Never ever feed Jesse something that's been in a jar for a year. Yeah, sure. Exactly.

Exactly, yeah. And then in the sequel, there will be an electrical Jesse. Things will get a little too crazy. Cool white mohawk. Oh, yeah. At your Holiday Inn type place, usually that kind of breakfast is, you know, nice in its air, grab a muffin, not the best. But it can really

knock it out of the park. Sometimes they'll have a little waffle maker and a little carafe of waffle juice. That's what I call batter. I call it waffle juice. And if you can make your own waffle, that... I don't know. You also call semen that, by the way.

Sure, yeah. Yeah, I call it waffle juice. Are you ready for my waffle juice? No, I would never say that. You would if you were a waffle maker. I would say it in the Fred Schneider voice. Are you ready for my waffle juice?

Yes, Fred Schneider, thank you very much. I'm having sex with a clone of myself. Or just a guy who identifies as a Fred Schneider. They don't talk that much about the breakfast facilities in the Love Shack, but I assume there are some. Oh, there's got to be a waffle maker in the Love Shack.

If there's not... What is the point? Man, it's good because it's like a pancake, but it's got crispy parts. Waffles are really good. It's got terrain. Exactly. It's got a lot of it's got crispy parts. Waffles are really good. It's got terrain. Exactly. It's got a lot of places to put whipped butter.

Nooks, crannies, need I go on? Please do. It's like a pancake with ambition. Sure. I mean, I think, you know, if we're gun to my head, if the breakfast bandit has his gun to my head, I'll probably say pancakes because it's one of my favorite foods. But waffles are very, very good. Anyway.

Glad to know this about you. I know, right? You ever make a home cake? Home pancake? Yeah. Yeah, pretty frequently, actually. Really? Yeah.

Maybe once or twice a month I'll make pancakes at home. That's nice. It's a real treat. That does sound like, is this like a Sunday morning situation? Yeah. Laying around, catching up on some tube. Yeah. I'm cutting lengths catching up on some tube. Yeah. I'm cutting lengths of tube.

Got it. I don't have it. I just assumed you were tubing. Yeah. No. I mean, that's the dream, man. That's the dream. Eating a waffle.

Eating a waffle, cutting up some tubes. I don't have a TV. Who needs one? Yeah. Got a waffle maker to fuck. That's true. Yeah. When the little red light comes on, that's Yeah. Got a waffle maker to fuck. That's true. Yeah. When the little red

light comes on that's how you know it's ready to fuck. I'm a waffle maker. I'm down for whatever. It's important to get the enthusiastic

consent of your waffle maker. Of course. Absolutely. That's what the red light's for. Yeah. I don't know.

I kind of think political correctness has gone wild. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. All right. Waffle makers. Sure. Fred Schneider. Throw in chocolate chips on your birthday. Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse Goh. This is Sarah from Colorado with a momentous occasion.

I recently gave birth to my second child, and that's actually not the momentous occasion. On my way home from the hospital, I stopped and left my placenta in my work freezer so that my coworkers can use it to train their search and rescue dogs to find human cadavers. The look on my boss's face when I walked in with my biohazard bag was priceless. Thanks, guys. Love the show. Bye. Yeah, we've already seen that MasterCard commercial.

Priceless. Delivering your boss your recent placenta. I hope they let it cool before they put it in the freezer oh yeah sure important yeah that's the best use of a finished placenta that i've heard of yeah i was i mean i was thinking she was going to go to smoothie i was thinking it was going to go to yeah some sort of jerky frittata i don't know what you do with a placenta. Put it in a waffle for your birthday. The other day, my aunt Claudia is now a midwife. She used to be just a doula, but she upgraded.

And she recently added- Is that a step up? Yeah. Is there some sort of training or certificate you need? Yeah, it's like a doctor-nurse situation maybe. Okay. Training or certificate you need? Yeah, it's like a doctor-nurse situation maybe. Okay.

Like a doula is a helper, but a midwife is a person who can deliver the baby themselves. Okay. I mean, I think a doula could probably deliver your baby if it came to it, but like a midwife is a person who has the role that previously here maybe a doctor might have. They're the person in charge. have. They're the person in charge. Anyway, my aunt told me that she had learned how to encapsulate placentas, which is like a lot of times they will put your... There are many people who believe that you should eat the placenta after in some way, But many of those people also feel that it's gross to eat your placenta. So they're sort of at odds. They've come to an impasse, which is they feel obliged to eat their placenta, but they think it's gross. So they put it into swallowable capsules and you freeze dry it into

capsules and you just take one every day for six weeks or something after you give birth. And I said to my aunt, my aunt is a very practical woman. She's a little zany, but she's practical. And I said to her like, Claudia, is that like, are you like, do you think it's important to eat placentas and stuff? Like that seems,... Because, you know, on the one hand, she's a practical lady. On the other hand, you know, she's a professional doula. Maybe she's into it.

I don't know. I'm not going to be presumptuous. Follow her lead. And she says, Jazzy, no. But if these white ladies want to pay for it, that's fine with me. I was like, all right, cool.

You've had presumably three placentas to dispose of, unless you're bringing them up as children. Yeah, we did the thing where you keep the cord blood. There's a thing where you keep the cord, they store the cord blood in case you need the stem cells that are in the cord blood. Or if there's like an emergency they it's useful also there's like a few medical things that can come up in the childhood that we're having the cord

blood is useful i never knew that do you keep it in the freezer or is it in a special they have a special they have a they have like a little house for it a lock box yeah like a little lock box. Or like the Hulk's P.O. box. Yeah, exactly. As he wanders from town to town, hulking out. This is a stop at the sporting goods store to get new pants each time. Yeah, so we I mean, look.

If my beautiful wife, Teresa, your friend and mine, had said to me, I would like to eat this placenta, I would have said, I love you. Thank you for bringing a child into the world for us to share. You've done what it takes. You've paid the cost to be the boss. God bless you. Go to town.

Chomp, chomp, chomp. But I will say that I was grateful that that was not her preference. And she had, like, my wife, our first two children were born in what they call, like, a natural childbirth. There were things that we chose, the more granola-y option. I sort of followed my wife's lead on all of those. But, yeah, the placenta was like, they'll tell you in a birthing video, they'll be like, you know, cats eat their placentas. It's kind of like, great.

Feed it to the cat. Yeah, they'll love it. They'll love it. Keep them off the couch. Exactly. Give them something to do. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Anyway, if something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN, like if you're a cat and you get a nice tasty placenta. It's you because you were good. She didn't claw the drapes. So you got a nice placenta. 206-984-4FUN or email us your voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. I think this is just an idea I'm spitballing here for Brian, Jordan. I don't know how you feel about it. Let's see.

I'll tell you how I feel once I know what it is. From now on, I think if there's no environmental sound for a voice memo one, we just add in like an Old West bar fight. Oh, yeah. Sure, a steamship. Yeah. west bar fight. Oh, yeah. Sure. A steamship. Yeah. I like that.

Not bad, right? A seashore maybe? Maybe a dinghy. Yeah. See what we're doing. You ever buy those sounds of a dinghy albums? I mean, no. Do you?

Yeah, sure. Going to the ambient section, buy sounds of a dinghy. Sounds of a pontoon boat is a nice one. Mm-hmm. Crow fight. I bought crow fight on a schooner. Soothing sounds of a crow fight. I brought crow fight on a schooner.

I like it to have a sort of aquatic flair. Yeah, it's nice. You can really smell that salt air. Mm-hmm. Okay, we'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, with our biggest ever new product launch. 17 brand new items from some of your favorite shows. I bet you know someone who needs a new shirt or mug, maybe a hoodie.

Cozy up in a pair of MaxFun logo socks or keep the sun out of your eyes with a Rocket Dad hat. There is literally no better holiday gift for the MaxFun fan in your life than some new gear. And hey, pick yourself up a little something, too. You deserve it. Check it all out at MaxFunStore.com. That's MaxFunStore.com.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, I'm the JV Club podcast's Janet Varney, and I used to suffer from indecision. I couldn't choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, whether to call or text, or the best way to cook my eggs. But now, thanks to my weekly dose of We Got This on Maximum Fun, my decisions are made for me. Thanks, Mark and Hal. Warning, We Got This may cause shouting, phone throwing, the illusion that the hosts can hear you, laughter on public transit, and death. We Got This with Mark

and Hal. We know what's best. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, it's a really good scar it's fucking impressive it looks rad it looks so awesome I'm sorry that you were ill I'm glad you're okay I'm very proud of this scar though it looks cool thanks yeah I think I don't know if you get

if you were getting into bar fights before but it now seems like the time I mean no need because I already have the cool badge of bar fight on it yeah why even why waste the time I just kind of feel like if I were in a bar fight,

if I were a bar fighter, which, you know, I'm not. I'm a bar dancer. Sure. A bar lover. A bar avoider as a teetotaler. Yeah, I don't like a loud bar. I don't mind a quiet bar. I'll have a nice club soda and bitters maybe.

Do your word searches. Yeah, totally. What am I going to get in a bar fight about? The bubbles in my fizzy water aren't vigorous enough? Yeah. I don't know. Some bitch is stepping to you. And you're like, uh-uh.

So maybe someone listened to your podcast and disputes your findings about the Oxford comma. Yes. Do you think that would happen? I feel pretty mild about that particular issue, to be honest. Yeah, my position on it, who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma? What? Vampire's Weekend song.

Oh, okay. Man, you've never been to karaoke? Get out there. Yeah, who's got the Vampire Weekend song. Oh, okay. Man, you've never been to karaoke? Get out there. I know. Yeah, who's got the Vampire Weekend book? Yeah, there's Punctuation Night down in Silver Lake. I will say, just another observation from seeing your show, which I loved. If you get a chance to see The Illusionist live, do it.

Yeah. Even though the tour has ended by the time this- There'll be another. There's another one next year. When you brought up the slide signaling you were going to discuss portmanteaus, that theater went fucking apeshit. They loved it. They could not wait to hear about portmanteaus. Words that join to make another word.

Man, you had some great examples, too, and I definitely loved the bit about the kind of trendy trendy, you know, marketing portmanteaus. They were delightful and cringy. Do you have any kind of feud with the folks behind the public radio program Away With Words? No, I don't. Or do I? Let's get one started. All right. What should we do?

I should explain. They're very nice. They're very nice. Very nice people. But that doesn't mean that you can't cross them. No, I mean, I went to lunch with one at Clifton's a few months ago and I didn't I should explain. They're very nice. They're very nice. Very nice people. But that doesn't mean that you can't cross them. No. I mean, I went to lunch with one at Clifton's a few months ago, and I didn't cross her then. That was a great opportunity.

She was unguarded. There's a good chance. There used to be, like, when I would go to the public radio conference once a year, which I haven't been in some time. Too hard partying. Yes, exactly. It's a very, very hard place to be. But those way with words, folks, were always really nice, like actively nice to me. I'd be like, hey, thanks.

Just happy to be there. Yeah, them and Luke Burbank and you know, what do you call that? Raptor. Bird note would always bring a raptor. Oh, okay. Not the dinosaur, the type of bird. Sure, the carnivorous bird. Are there many

bird of prey podcasts? Well, there's this one show called Bird Note that runs on public radio stations around the country. It's like a little two-minute show where they play a bird song

and then talk about the bird. And it's useless to me because I don't care really about birds. I have no disrespect towards those who do. But to me, it is not useful.

Would you prefer it if all the birds fell out the sky dead? No. I don't need them to. I mean, for one thing, I'd have to have a very strong umbrella. You would. Or a really stout hat. Yeah. But the good thing about Bird Note, so the bad thing about Bird Note is, I don't

care about birds. This is for me. The good thing about Bird Note – so the bad thing about Bird Note is I don't care about birds. This is for me. The good thing about Bird Note is they'd always bring a raptor to the public radio conference. So there's like a – Jazz it up. Like a sales floor with like a PRI booth giving away the world pins or whatever. All those things you stick to the back of your mobile phone. And then just a crowd of people going, oh, shit, is that an eagle? Yeah, it's great.

When I used to live in London, every few months there was someone with a peregrine falcon at our local station doing pest control with that falcon. Wow. I like a useful bird. Yeah, and also because we live in medieval times. I want more animals doing helper jobs, more wild animals doing helper jobs. Like, have you ever been walking around and then there's a group of goats clearing a hillside? That sounds so useful. It's really useful.

It's fucking the best. I personally love it when I come home and there's an octopus fucking my wife. She's got so many tentacles. Sure. You know, I guess she, this is Lady Octopus, right?

I mean, hey, whatever, man. In terms of your agreement. I'm not, I'm not uptight. Right. I'm not uptight.

You're a chill dude. I'm a chill guy. But if you ever catch her with a squid, you're going to kill her. Oh, absolutely. Not in my house.

No ink son of mine is going to be born. Sure. Octopuses are heavy too, though. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. So anyway, my point is if you're an octopus, go ahead and fuck my wife.

If you're a squid, stay out of my house. Yeah. Get into my appetizers. Right. Yeah. Cut yourself into segments and deep fry yourself. Or grill yourself. Have we talked about how strongly I feel when you're

eating calamari, I want to eat the one with the little tentacles because it makes me feel powerful. Sure, yeah. Take down something with thin arms. I only have two, but you're the one getting eaten. How ironic. Helen, your show for word nerds and

those who care to be charmed is called The Allusionist. Yes. A-L-L-U-S-I-O-N-E-R-S-T. That was a good spell. Thank you. You're also the co-host of perhaps the United Kingdom's most popular comedy podcast. Sure. And certainly its longest running most popular podcast, Answer Me This.

Let's keep qualifying it until it's vaguely accurate. A podcast. It's among Olly Man's podcasts. Yes. Called Answer Me This. That show is also a joy. Both of your shows are a joy. You're a joy.

Now that I think about it. Very kind of you. Thanks for being my friend. Oh, it's my pleasure. Oh, cool. I'm really glad you approve of my scar because your aesthetic opinions are important to me. So this is what – okay. We're going to wrap the show up in a second.

I'm just saying if you got in a bar fight, you could start it or whatever. I know that the point of getting in the bar fight is to get the cool scar that's – but if you have the scar, you could win any bar fight through intimidation. Right. So all you have to do is just do that thing where you're cracking your neck before you start a fight. And it highlights the scar on your neck. And then you're like, oh, she's serious. And they're out of there.

And you get to eat whatever food they didn't eat because they ran away. Yeah, maybe they left some of those tentacle calamaris. Oh, yeah. Oh, and imagine all of the wasabi peas that I could get. Oh, so many. So many free peas. Free peas.

Chex Mix, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. What are the bar foods at this bar? Yeah, they have a great menu. Artisanal pretzels? Yes, please. Yeah. Sourdough? Mm-hmm. Getting this guy was the best thing at this bar. Yeah, they have a great menu. Artisanal pretzels? Yes, please. Yeah.

Sourdough? Mm-hmm. Getting this scar was the best thing I ever did. Texas toast? Thank you very much. Napkins? Napkins.

Never buy napkins again. You just scare people away with your scar and you take their napkins. Van Gogh's? Pass the ketchup. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer.

You can find us on Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com, on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris, at Helen Zaltzman, right? Helen, that's what you are on Twitter. Oh, yeah. You can find us on Facebook by searching for Jordan Jesse Go or joining the MaxFun Facebook group. If you have corrections for this week's program, we care about quality. Please direct them to at J.D. Power on Twitter. J.D. Power and Associates. They'll, I guess, note your concerns.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture Artist owned Listener supported