Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 560: Lovitz Again with Glen Weldon

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

Glen Weldon (Pop Culture Happy Hour, The Caped Crusade Book) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the specific pain of Glen felt taking phycology for his marine biology degree as someone who is color blind, the time Jordan had a fancy afternoon of expensive olive oil tasting but ended up feeling really greasy, and the detailed back stories of the porn actors who work out at Glen's gym. Plus, Jordan gets Glen to weigh in on his new signature segment, "Which Avatar sequel are you most excited about?"

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you, my friend? I'm good. I'm bummed the audience missed the fun pre-show warm-up bit we did. We did such a great bit. You know, here's the thing about this show. The best bits happen off mic.

Just when you're listening to the show, know that there were like three or four really funny things that happened before the mics turned on. Anyway, it was gold. I don't know if trying to recreate it would mean anything, but, man, it was good. I'm just going to sit in that for a while. After every show, there's just a moment where we all go,

and then just file out in silence. Yeah, exactly. It's good that we're not near an ocean, because we would just walk into it. Put some stones in our pockets. Like the setting sun. I guess there's the lake, MacArthur Park. We could walk into that.

I would enjoy walking into MacArthur Park Lake. That would be nice. That would be really lovely. You would maybe die some way that's not drowning. You could maybe get a syringe in the eye. Stepping on a gun. Yeah. Do guns work underwater?

Oh, boy. I couldn't tell you. Yeah. Look out, whales. Bam, bam. Right in the blowhole. That's why I think we should give guns to whales, or at least allow whales to purchase guns. Right, yeah.

Unless they have a record. So they can shoot back. Sure, yeah, right? So it's fair. The only thing that stops a bad gun underwater is a good whale with a gun. Yeah. Like, what do you think a whale would fight? Maybe a squid?

Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. I mean, a battle as old as time itself. If you're a regular size- Squid v. whale. Let's say you're a regular size squid. Okay. Not a giant squid.

Right. And you're taking on a sperm whale. What's the first thing you're going to do to even the playing field? Sure. Yeah. I mean- Get yourself a fucking 45. I was going to say, fuck its wife.

So then you have a psychological advantage over it. But then maybe you make the whale mad and the frenzy of being cucked by a squid will overtake you. I don't know, man. It's particularly humiliating to be cuckolded by a squid because of the squid's sexual superiority because it's got all those tentacles.

Oh, yeah. You can get up everywhere. Yep. And then the grand finale, a blast of ink to the face. Very sexy. Very sensual. Very sensual. I think we eclipsed the pre-mic bit.

We want to introduce our guest and maybe we can... Engage in further self-parody? Sure, yeah. Our guest on the program, a great friend of ours, a brilliant author of multiple books. We're talking about as many of multiple books. We're talking about as many as several books. Depends on your definition of several, I think. Almost three. Yeah.

He's one of the hosts of Pop Culture Happy Hour from National Public Radio, Mr. Glenn Weldon. Hey, guys. Hi, Glenn. Always a joy to see you. You know, I have a degree in marine biology, and what you were all saying was exactly true. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Absolutely 100%.

This is my degree from Southampton College from 1990. Is that true? That is absolutely true. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That's like 50% underwater science, 50% just underwater culture studies. There is. I was promised.

And by that, you mean yogurt underwater. Yogurt underwater is a word. Underwater yogurt. I was promised there would be no math in marine biology, and there was lots of it. Oh, no. Chemical oceanography, physical oceanography, calculus one, calculus two, quantitative analysis one, quantitative analysis two, organic chemistry one, organic chemistry – it was – physics one, physics two. It was awful, awful, awful. I had a good friend named Kai in college who she wanted to become a doctor.

Yep. Or possibly a nurse. I don't remember. But she had to take organic chemistry in undergrad. And I just remember Kai, a very smart lady. This combination of sadness and rage in her eyes that was just absolutely tip to toe, all consuming. Like spilling out of her ears the confusion and upset. That tracks.

Yeah. And I had a special disadvantage because even the non-math courses like phycology. Anybody want to guess phycology? P-H-Y-C. The study of ficus? The study close. The study of algae. Oh,C? The study of ficus? The study close. The study of algae. Oh, okay. The study of algae.

Or fikes. Or fikes. A bunch of fikes. I am mildly colorblind. And it's just that reds and browns kind of blend and greens and blues kind of blend and greens and browns. Like that spectrum. And here's the thing about algae. You got your blue-green algae.

You got your red algae. You got your about algae. You got your blue-green algae. You got your red algae. You got your brown algae. You got your green algae. Okay. And the course was identifying algae. And it was just brown muck. It was all just brown muck sitting on a desk. So was there a point where you thought you might go into the world of ocean sciences?

You'd be a porpoise measurer? In third grade, I was convinced I would be a marine biologist. And I kind of kept that in a sort of narrow track all through school. And then I got there, and I wanted to be – I'd seen lots of Jacques Cousteau specials and wanted to talk to dolphins. And the first day there at orientation, they take you into a big auditorium, and they say, now, how many of you are here because you saw a lot of Jacques Cousteau's schedules and you want to talk to dolphins. Right. Well, I'm a dolphin and I'm not talking to any of you.

I'm out of here. And we all raised our hands, every last fucking one of us. And they said, Jacques Cousteau is not a scientist. He is a filmmaker. And they said it with such hatred, such raw, like, loathing in their voice. How dare he get people interested in my field. Look to your left. Look to your right.

One of these people will be killed by a dolphin. They do not want to be talked to. And worse, the other will become a filmmaker. Also, they didn't say it, but the subtext was that George C. Scott movie, Day of the Dolphin, that was all bullshit. Yeah. Dolphins don't talk. I've never seen Day of the Dolphin. Oh, it's amazing.

Okay. It's about George C. Scott training dolphins, and they say things to him like, Fa, love, Pa. And he's Pa, of course. They have dolphins named Fa and Ka. Gotcha. So it's a Coco's Kitten type situation. Exactly.

And they get trained to take mines and put mines on ships. I just mostly remember that one UCB sketch from the TV show where the dolphins take over the town and Amy Poehler goes to the town hall meeting and she goes, Dolphins can suck it. Suck it, dolphins. Yeah. And then she leaves. Yep. Did you go and get another degree after that?

No. I powered through and finished all the requirements. And I had my last – my very last semester there was – this was in Southampton. So there's lots of writers who come there to – it was the 80s to do Coke. And they would teach like creative writing courses to pay for their coke. And they would – and so I took a lot of those courses. And during my last semester, I was reading comparative literature and taking a Hitchcock and film class and was like, well, this was what I should have been doing for this whole

damn time. Yeah. Watching Hitchcock blowing fat rails. Our friend Jim Royale, the master of Would You Rather, is a scientist. He's a physicist. He builds some kind of lasers or microscopes or laser microscopes. What's with this company called Skynet? I don't know what they're doing exactly.

I can't, for some reason, can't visit him at work. Anyway. He keeps melting into liquid steel. Yeah. That's a big problem. Anyway. He keeps melting into liquid steel. Yeah. That's a big problem. Yep. And Jim in college, he would always be

studying things. All the time, studying things. Studying things. You're like, what are you doing, man? College is about reading Beloved.

Reading Beloved over and over. Every class. Analyzing Beloved. Beloved. Occasionally the bluest eye. You switch it up with the bluest eye. Sure. Once in a while, mouse. And then there you go.

That's college. I didn't take a science... You had to take at the University of California, you have to take a science class to graduate. And I signed up for a class called Introduction to genetics or something that was a gen ed class. But it was a gen ed class where the teacher was resentful that it was a gen ed class because

she felt it should be for genetics majors or whatever. So she would like be contemptuous of everyone who didn't know a lot of science stuff already the whole time. She was a nice woman otherwise, weirdly, but this just really got in her jaw. And I realized that somehow I had not taken chemistry in high school. It had just not come up. You're supposed to take it to graduate from high school. So I don't know why I had not taken

chemistry in high school, but I sat there for about a month as it went from, I'm like, Oh yeah, I remember like Gregor Mendel and stuff. I know how to make a probability chart or whatever. I learned some things that I probably need to know in this. Iron, F-E. Yeah. I think. Immediately, she just starts drawing these diagrams on the board that mean nothing to me. And I mentioned this once a few years ago on Judge John Hodgman and got some very angry letters. From chemistry stands? What?

No, from people with more and deeper ethics and morals than I. But I was in it with a couple of, I was in this class with a couple of friends. And after about six weeks, I was like, hey guys, a quick question. I can't graduate from college without finishing this class. And it's too late in my college career to switch to a different class. So I'm just going to look at what you write down and write that down. Is that okay? And they were like, yeah, sure, of course. And that's how I got past that class.

But there was a moment of existential crisis where I was like, I'm going to not graduate from college maybe? My one of those, my I don't like science but have to take a science class, was called Violent Universe. And never has there been a wider gap between coolness of name and boringness of class. Violent Universe was as boring a class as the name is cool. There were classes. I mean, like when you attend a big public university, I mean, UC Santa Cruz, a medium sized public public university, but still relatively big, and you have this graduation requirement, there is this bait and switch

that goes on in the course catalog, which is the science people, the professors, the science men and women, they know you have to take a science class. They're completely aware of it. you have to take a science class. They're completely aware of it. And I didn't take any math classes because I had taken AP Calculus in high school. So I had not done any math or science since my junior year of high school. But they know that you have to take one of these.

And they're like, we're going to give them. And they know that they have to get people to sign up for their class. They also know once people are signed up for their class, they can't get out of the class because they're taking it their last semester so they can graduate from college. So they pull a fucking bait and switch on you so hard. I mean, everyone I knew that didn't take Violent Universe took a dinosaur class. Sure, yeah. And I just remember people being like, how can dinosaur class be so fucking hard? I was really disappointed in constant blowjobs. Sure, yeah. wanted to go with my life if I stuck with the sciences. There was my field biology teacher, which is basically you go out into the nature and he's smoking a pipe and he drives a Range Rover and it's got a winch because he needs it to winch things.

You never know. You got to winch something up. You never know. You never know when you may need to pull a turtle out of a pond. We're all just following him and he's like this cool guy with horn-rimmed glasses and he's pointing at different trees and he's not a hippie. He's like an old school like guy from the 60s. He's a corduroy guy.

He's a corduroy guy and he's a corduroy guy, and he's got jackets with great pockets. He's like, this is the guy I want to be. Then there was also my phycology teacher who turned out to be the world's leading phycologist. He published papers, hosted

symposia. He could tell very subtle differences in algae color. Absolutely. It was all over it. He had a very subtle differences in algae color. Absolutely. It was all over it. And he had a bumper sticker that said, you know, algae power. Because, like, his life was about algae. And I thought, who do I want to become? Does anyone else have that bumper sticker?

He had to have that custom made. I suppose he did. Is there a market? I don't know. I feel like there are probably bumper sticker makers who have a bumper sticker die or whatever it is that says power on it. And then they have things that they switch in for the first word and they just hang out at the convention center. This sounds like a prerequisite to the Facebook ad. It's like a guy in a t-shirt. And for me, it would say like, it's all about Morris's whose birthdays are in May. And it's just some Facebook information about you.

Yeah. Never trust a phycologist who's a sassy older woman. Sure. Sure. This is all good. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's fair.

I mean, I believe that the engine of commerce is so powerful here in America that any bumper sticker is possible. Wow. Even one that says fuck on it? Yeah. It's the word fuck? Yeah. And you know what else I think? Real bumper stickers have curves.

Oh, sure. There we go. There we go, yes. I think he probably got that algae power bumper sticker at an algae symposia. I think it's like any kind of trade show, but slimier. Yeah, sure, yeah. Slimier, smellier. That's the other thing. Like, I would go down to the Marine Biology Center every day to do lab work, and it was just rotting fish in a dock, that smell of rotting fish in a dock. And then I happened to take a course in the Fine Arts Building, and it was all chalk dust and brown leather. Sure, cloves. The smell of cloves.

The smell of throttled sexuality. You know, like just where it should be. Did you walk out of it? The problem is you throttle the sexuality. It's like one of those garden hose nozzles. And then it gets slimy. It just gets more powerful. Sure.

Did you come out of it with a favorite algae? No, I blocked it. Blocked it all. Couldn't tell you. Can't point to a fish. Having a green marine biology, can't tell you what kind of fish things are or what kind of plant it is. The weird thing about UC Santa Cruz, where Jordan and I went. Of course.

The weird thing about UC Santa Cruz where Jordan and I went is that UC Santa Cruz is – like UC Santa Cruz is in most things like a perfectly serviceable university. Like it's a solid B or B minus in most categories. There are a few categories where it's a world-class university and they are physics and marine biology. In those categories, the undergraduate departments are as good as any in the country. And the frustration of the overall culture of UC Santa Cruz, which is primarily hacky sack driven, for the people who are there to do serious physics is extraordinary. Like the difference between a person who's there because they want to know everything about porpoises down to their, down to what kind of algae nest on their dorsal fins.

Relative to the people who are like, I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm three and a half years in. I need to pick a major. I guess English. Sure. Like the tension between those two things.

Jesse, they call it literature. Santa Cruz because it's not as Eurocentric. Got it. I majored in literature. Glenn, I did not, I absolutely, we've known each other for a while and I did not know

this marine biology thing about you. Yep. And we were discussing the off mic, again, that's where all the best shit happens.

That's where the gold, really the person who hears the best version of this show is Brian. Maybe that's why he likes it so much. Does he like it?

I mean, sounds like it. Yeah, I feel like it's a put on. Oh, sure. Like, did Ed McMahon really think Johnny Carson was that funny? Seems unlikely. What does Ed McMahon think is funny? Publishers, clearinghouse, mostly. Do you think he does those commercials because he thinks they're funny?

He's like, this is gold. Hilarious. Look at the size of this check. It's big. I got to get this writer to Bob Hope. So we were talking about, so after this, you're doing a, you are not a guy who lives in L.A. You live elsewhere. So you're doing, you know, you're doing the podcast tour.

I am. As one does when they visit LA. And everyone should do it, even people who aren't in entertainment. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there's so many people go to like Hollywood Boulevard. And the honest truth is Hollywood Boulevard kind of sucks. There's not a lot of good stuff there. The Walk of Fame is pretty unimpressive when you see it in real life.

Grauman's Chinese is just a slightly racist movie theater. It's not that remarkable. Unless you're buying stripper heels, there's no real reason to go to Hollywood Boulevard. Those people should be... I resent the fact that you think I'm not. Those people should be at HeadGum.

Head over to HeadGum. Pineapple Media. Sure. Maybe a trip to the Getty and then get on some podcasts. Exactly. And don't expect too much from the art at the Getty. It's really about the architecture and the view. And the restaurant has this chocolate globe.

They have a chocolate globe and they bring you hot caramel and you pour hot caramel on the chocolate globe. Oh my. This dessert. Culture. Yeah. I tried to go to the Getty with Ben Harrison the other day. Oh my, this dessert. Culture. Yeah. You know, I tried to go to the Getty with Ben Harrison the other day. Closed on Mondays. Oh.

What the fuck, Getty? We drove all the way there. I think that's museums for you. They always have one weird day that they're closed. Yeah. Anyway, got to get that chocolate globe the next time you're there. Next time. Oh, I guess you can't have chocolate.

I can't have chocolate, but I could have a little taste. See if they have another kind of globe. I could ask them to serve it to me and Ben with two spoons. Sure. Or maybe some sort of beef globe that you pour hot caramel on. That would be nice. Maybe a short rib globe. Sure, yeah.

Maybe just an animal's testicle. Oh, yeah. Wow. So part of your podcast tour is you are going on Go Fact Yourself. Yep. Sister show here in the MaxFun Network. And this is a tremendous show. I was on it recently and had basically the most fun I've ever had.

And part of the premise of the show is that you have to give them three things that you're an expert in and they quiz you on one of those things, but you don't know what it is going in. And I think the trouble- And the three things can't be related to your work. Yeah. Good luck. And the hard part for men like us is that one of them can't be-

Man boys. Yes. Yeah, yeah. One of them can't be pop culture related, which are the three things, the main kind of thing a man like us knows about. This is what the legendary blues song Manish Boy is about. When I was a middle-aged man. I cared a lot about

Star Wars. Sorry, you had one too. Okay, go ahead. Yours is probably good as well. It's fine. So, you know, my non-pop culture one, which they ended up picking, was the La Brea Tar Pits. And I had a lot of fun doing a quiz about the La Brea Tar Pits. So as of now, you don't know what your three things are.

You don't know what your one thing is, but what three things did you give them? I was surprised when you listed them. RuPaul's Drag Race, The Great Catherine O'Hara, and wine tasting, because I was a winery tour guide for two different places. I would do the tour guide, and then I would take them through the tasting process. So I got that. Do you have – did you get that job because you already knew about wine tastes or did they give you that job because you could talk to a group of people and then they just gave you a list of adjectives to say for each wine? The first one was a winery in Southampton. I was going to school, undergrad, and they just needed people to – they didn't care if you knew anything about wine because that place was a giant scam.

That bought all its grapes and its juice from California, shipped them illegally. Wow. Like Bert Reynolds in a – he was – Bert Reynolds was in front of a guy in a big rig and kept the cops off his tail? I suppose, yeah. I mean, it was just not a thing you can do, especially if you're touting it as New York wine. Should be clear. It was more of a BJ and the band.

Yeah. A guy and a monkey driving a big rig. That's fun. Yeah. So the monkey keeps the cops away? Yeah. I never saw that movie. The monkey eats the grapes until he's drunk.

Okay. And it was this amazing prefab villa that was just like plopped down outside of Southampton. And they had this amazing vineyard that stretched to the horizon. And only the first three rows closest to the house were actual grapes. The others were potato plants. So when people would say... Wow. Can we go back and wander through and maybe pick a couple grapes? We would always have to say,

no, we just sprayed. So people wouldn't discover this hidden tissue of lies. Oh, my gosh. Was that related to the fact that it takes... Doesn't it take... Aren't grapes one of those things where you have to plant them

and then the grapes start coming in 10 years later or something? Absolutely. Yes, yes. And for the first 10 years, they have that kind of green peppery kind of vegetal character because they just taste like

that's the deal. Yeah, and it was just a complete scam and creditors were calling on and yeah, it was, and they didn't care if we knew anything about wine. The next place I worked, they gave us a whole like wine course

and so we had to kind of figure out actual real things. Is wine real? It depends. It seemed so to me because of the one wine course I took at the beginning of the evening. It's everyone's just Frazier. And they're just, you know, this wine reminds me of a coiled snake. And then that dude. Sorry, I'm thinking of my crank. Well, that dude two hours later was getting on with somebody in the bathroom.

So like it's just – you just get drunk. Sure. It's just – this is what a wine – Yeah, it starts out as a kind of a high-minded exploration of blah, blah, blah. But then you're just fucking in the bathroom. That's exactly what's happening. Yeah. If you're lucky.

Pouring it in your dumb face, getting wasted. Sucking it down. When you eat wine now, contemporary America – I'm talking about Trump's America, 2018. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know you are a liberal elite from the coast. You're a coastal liberal elite. I will stop you when I disagree. And so I know that you're uncorking a bottle at home, pouring it, wafting it, nosing it.

Do you – Those are all things. Do you check out a lot of notes? I don't. I don't because, I mean, it's – I mean, when we have people over and we do a wine tasting, then I kind of go through the spiel. I bet that's a fun trick to have at your disposal. I would love to have that in my, like, quiver as like, oh, look at this.

I bet that is a fun thing to kind of pull out on people who don't know that you have it. The coiled snake? The coiled snake. Pull out the old coiled snake. Because don't you always think when you hear people talking about it that they're just bullshit? Doesn't it always come up? Like people don't really know. But here's the thing.

I don't know. Like the only wine I've really ever drank is like a toast at a wedding with champagne or like sacramental wine taking communion at church. So I don't – those don't have notes that I can tell about. They probably don't. But who am I to say that there aren't notes that I can tell about. They probably don't. But who am I to say that there aren't notes in other things? Sure. Yeah. I'll go and I'll go to a store and I'm buying like bourbon for my wife, which also has notes.

Sure it does. And I'll say to the storekeeper, I'll say, which of these is your finest bourbon? Tell me about the notes. They'll say, oh, well, this has caramel. This one has vanilla. This one's got berries in it. And I'll say, oh, thank you. Give me your second most expensive, please.

I wish for my wife to love me. But that said, so I buy into the notes in that sense. That said, our mutual friend, Ben Harrison from The Greatest Generation, it was his birthday the other day. We went out to fet him for his birthday and I stopped at the liquor store on the way there. And Ben is a cocktail expert, loves notes. But I just bought him E40 tequila. I don't know. So those are my two choices.

The second most expensive one or just whatever E-40 has his name on it. Right. Well, my favorite note that people – this is an actual term that people toss around is barnyard. Have you heard this before? No. Does that mean poops? It smells like poop. It smells and or tastes like poopy and pee.

Poop and pee. Like on hay. tastes like poopy and pee. Yeah. Poop and pee. Like on hay. Wet hay. Oh, sure, yeah. Wet hay is also a euphemism for poop and pee. Yep. Wow. Yeah, and, you know, I say this, that it's all bullshit, but it isn't because you see that movie Psalm where the dude is, like, can tell you exactly what region it is from tasting it, which is, that is a miracle thing. I'm never going to get there because that's a real thing. And I couldn't do that. Past guest on this show, Mary Roach.

Yeah. Wrote a great book about – called Gulp, Adventures on the Elementary Canal. It's about the eating process, digestion, taste, all these things. And she went to a olive oil test. She took a test to be an olive oil taster. Because olive oil, they can't really tell, using science means, whether the olive oil is good or not. And by good or not, I mean rancid. Like, there's no, like, strip you can dip into it that comes out with an r if you're

rancid or a plus if you're pregnant um so she so they have to have people do it test it and you have to go through these tests to get to become a tester you have to go through exams and she And she took the exam and got like a 15 out of 100. And all the other people who were there because they wanted to become olive oil tasters all got, you know, 80s and 90s because there actually were things that she just – she's like – she marked – she told me she marked like half of the rancid olive oils perfectly fine. And that is bananas. I went up to one of those once, one of the olive oil tasting doodads. And, you know, you go to the Grove, you see the olives, and they take you back and they show you all the equipment that you use to make the olive oil. And they got the olives right there at the Grove. They got them right there.

By the Cheesecake Factory. Got it. Mario Lopez. And then so they, you know, and so then they like they give you a very scolding lecture on why, you know, the olive oil you will buy at the store. And they have a little chart with brands on it that they don't like. This seems defamatory, but, you know, who knows? I guess the people from Barilla or whatever have not gotten up there and taken the tour. So they have like a chart that is clearly just someone printed out the logos on a, you know, inkjet printer and cut them out and glued them to this poster board.

This is what I did for my middle school science project. Yeah, exactly. It's basically. Right. It's just accosted strangers at the Grove. Sure. And then you go to the tasting room and there's all these different oils. And this one has orange and this one has rosemary and you give all these little bread dips. And it's a fairly – other than the lecture with a bad poster, it is a pretty – it's a classy, sophisticated afternoon.

And you're just dipping these oils and they taste so good. And then I remember leaving that and feeling like I feel so greasy. I just feel so greasy. I've never done something that highfalutin that has made me so greasy. I just feel like I picked the pepperonis off of a frozen pizza and rubbed them on me. And also they were stuck in my cheeks. I was watching a Netflix food show called Salt, Fat. Acid Heat.

Acid Heat. With a wonderful woman whose name I don't remember who's just a fucking delight. I recommend this. Based on one episode, I recommend this show highly. And this one was about fat. but I recommend this show highly. And this one was about fat. And they went to Italy to eat olives and press olives and all this shit.

And I'll tell you what. If I showed up at that Grove and one of these cool, handsome Italian guys that loves olives was there to tell me about it, I'd buy anything. I'd buy anything from these cool, handsome Italian guys. They're like, oh, it's got a fresh, it's not a, what do you get in America?

It's not a good – I didn't know you were going to do the voice. I thought we were going to get Mario. Sorry. Super Mario. Uncanny. Sorry if it's too uncanny for you. Yeah.

But like these guys, I would buy any oil they wanted to sell me because I don't know. I would buy any oil they wanted to sell me because I don't know. And they seem so romantically involved with the notes. Yeah, sure. That who am I to say no? I think I know the answer to this question. But does L.A. have these olive and vinegar stores where you go and buy just olive oil? It's just endless like spigots where you just kind of taste a sample different like flavored olive oils. Do they still have that?

Just spigots. You just open it up and put your gaping maw. Yeah. After the store closes, if you're friends with one of the people who works there, you can go in and they'll just dump it right in your face. I have seen one of these before. I don't know if there is one local, but I know what you're talking about. I think I got my mom some oils at this for a birthday or something. So you get the bottle

and you can go back and refill it. I have never felt more like I'm going to be the first against the wall when the revolution comes than just being in the store going, have you tried the grapefruit accent one? It just feels like this cannot last. And in D.C.

where we're very sensible, that store kind of came out like that. We're not going to just have an olive oil store. At least sell nails there. That's right. Those are useful. The thing of it is that they make a certain amount of money off of the actual olive oil sales during the day. But at night, they sell tickets because they basically just open up the spigots and get to wrestling.

Right. Sure. See, that makes sense. That's a service. Yeah. That makes sense to me. That is a business model. It's called – I went to the Spice's store.

Uh-huh. And this is not – my mom bought me a gift certificate for this Spice's store in Silver Lake here in Los Angeles, which is a uh no this is affiliate with the spice channel yeah because if so i'd like to visit this store uh silver lake is a neighborhood in los angeles for people who were hipsters 20 years ago and 15 to 20 so you're affluent now distinctly affluent uh people and i was a i was i to say I was a little hesitant, I was very hesitant to go to this spice store. This was not like – where I grew up, there was a store that I think maybe is still there called Bombay Bazaar that sold spices in bulk and huge walls of spices in bulk for people who cook with spices because that is the tradition of their culture. This was not that.

This was like eight little jars. It was like basically a pot dispensary but for spices. And I was so mad that I had to be there even though my mom had given me this thoughtful $20 gift certificate. I was so mad that I had to pick something out there. And like, I definitely had to ask the woman what to buy. I was like overwhelmed. It was too many smells. I was like, such a mess.

Then I got that shit home. I put it on some meat. It was so fucking good. So good. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. When we're talking about why they're lining us up and shooting us against the wall when the revolution comes. Let me listen to the waves.

I mean, I think having a podcast is probably enough to get you shot in the street. Who goes first, professional podcasters or amateur podcasters? Oh, boy. Yeah, I think probably professionals. I think the amateurs can be rallied to make like propaganda. You know what I think what the answer is, the true answer to that is? It's us. It's semi-professionals.

People who are being paid but couldn't live off of it. Yeah. Because professionals probably have like barriers and they know how to kind of protect and have walls of protection and, you know, moths and things like that so that people can't. And they probably have pretty good boiling oil. I just think people are going to need Leo Laporte to explain computers to them. Exactly. Sure. How to get a virus off there.

Exactly. For me, though, in addition to having podcasts, I recently had to ask a hostess to ask a brunch DJ to turn it down. What am I? What am I? So much wrong with this. Was it a gospel brunch? Was it a drag brunch?

No, this was a reggae brunch. I did not know it was a reggae brunch when I agreed to go. I probably would have gone anyway, but I'm just saying it was a little loud. It was, I'm all for a reggae brunch. Yeah. Ear me now. Sure. Brunch a little too loud.

Sure, yes. Anyway. I've done a gospel brunch, and at some point it's just people coming up to your table and singing to you about Jesus over eggs. That's just not,'s just not a thing. Wait. At a gospel brunch, they come to your table like a violinist in an Italian restaurant with a giant wine bottle with a candle stuck in it? Yep. At this one, they did.

And it was just this very lovely woman who just came up to our table while we were just harking down some huevos rancheros. And she was like, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus. And then she sang, which is a lot. Sure. I feel like I am deeply uncomfortable with that as, uh, an atheist myself. Um, I, I will, I will sometimes listen to gospel music at home. Sure. But I feel like if I went to a gospel music thing, I would feel like I was, my very presence was belittling it.

Since it is music about literally the most important thing of all time. I think you can just really easily make that more welcoming. I think you can just really easily make that more welcoming. You can do the gospel favorites, but just change the lyrics to be about brunch foods. I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my eggs. There we go. Down in my eggs. Down in my eggs to share.

And then you give everybody a bite of your eggs. Takes a nice turn. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every single week, Jordan, Jesse Goh is brought to you by the thousands of Max Fundsters who are tuppies.

And go to MaximumFund.org slash donate to support Jordan, Jesse Goh. We love them. Each and every one. We individually and collectively. Them, sure. You, you, but also youse guys. Not to mention y'all. Y'all. Yousins? Yeah, we love yousins.

Her body. We love you. We're also supported this week by Green Chef. Yes. A USDA certified organic company that includes everything you need to easily cook delicious meals you can feel good about.

Now, Jordan. Yeah. I have dietary needs. Can they address them? Well, let me read you some of the meal plans that Green Chef offers. Okay.

And you let me know if one of these fits into your personal dietary needs. Mm-hmm. Paleo, vegan, vegetarian, keto, gluten-free, omnivore, and carnivore. Yeah.

Is one of those you? All of them are me. Wow. I'm all those things. All are you? Yeah, all are me. Wow. I eat both everything and not something.

You're like a food borg. All are me. Foodborg. All are me. Each ingredient is thoughtfully sourced and its journey tracked from planting to plating. Let Green Chef do the meal planning, grocery shopping, and most of the prep for you week after week. Can I tell you something, Jordan? Please.

It's probably easiest to do the tracking during the growing part. Sure. You know what I mean? Just hanging out. From planting to harvest, the tracking is the growing part. Sure. You know what I mean? Just hanging out. From planting to harvest, the tracking is relatively easy. But then, I don't know. You've got to use a computer. Unless a bird eats it. Oh, boy.

And then nothing but trouble. We don't know how the folks at Green Chef feel about birds, but we hate them. You're having a wild goose chase. Yeah, right. Following that seed. Presuming it's a goose that eats the seed. That's true. Gooses love seeds.

Geese love seeds. Excuse me. Geese love seeds. Geese love seeds. Yeah. Hey, if you want to cook with Green Chef, and I suggest you do. I've done it myself, and I find the meals both easy to prepare and delicious. Here's what you do. If you want $50 off your first box of Green Chef,

go to greenchef.us slash jjgo, greenchef.us slash jjgo for $50 off your first box of Green Chef. We've also got two messages up on the Jumbotron this week. Oh, we love these. From listeners for our listeners. One is for Sue from Joe. Many wonderful years together and many to come in Alameda, Stockholm, and beyond.

What jet setters. You know what I think they are? They're a cargo ship. All right. Ooh. Just a couple of cargo ship headed to Stockholm, Alameda, and who knows? Another jumbotron here. This is for Emmett from Andy.

Here's the message. Hey, Emmett. Just wanted to say happy birthday and thanks for helping me out at the roastery with all the tech support lately. Can't wait to hit the craps table with you and pound some dirty American buffet food. For your B-Day, I ask Ida Jessie, that's probably a typo, but I'll read it as is. I ask Ida Jessie can give you your you your very own vintage baseball nickname, your buddy Andy. Do you have a vintage baseball nickname for this guy?

High Trousers. I mean, that'll do it. Yeah. Hey, some more exciting stuff coming up. We are coming to you and you to us. Yes. Well, we're coming to you. Sorry, we're coming on you. We're coming on you and you come on our face.

Yeah. We love it. We're going to be at SF Sketch Fest. If you're in the Bay Area, we're at SF Sketch Fest in January. I've got Judge John Hodgman on the 19th at 7 at the Castro Theater. Also on the 19th, 10.30 p.m., Cobb's Comedy Club. We're going to do an all-new episode of Bubble. This is in the – what's that called?

This is canonical. This is canonical. This is in continuity. It's that called? This is canonical. This is canonical. This is in continuity. It happens between episodes four and five. So if you have friends who haven't listened to Bubble or if you haven't – I mean if you listen to the show and haven't listened to Bubble, come on. Get on it, guys. Yeah. But if you have friends who haven't listened and they don't want to listen to the whole thing –

That's our other thing, the one people like. Sure, yeah. That's the good one. Yeah. That you – bring friends, bring all your friends. I like this. A lot less Jesse. Sure.

And a lot more Helen Hong. Yeah. Everybody likes Helen Hong. Yeah, she's great. So, yeah, people only have to listen up to episode four, and they will understand what's going on. It is canonical. It is part of the story. It was something we wanted to do in the main series,

but just kind of couldn't quite fit it in. So it's really, really cool we get to do this episode at SF Sketch Fest. Here's who's going to be there. Eliza Skinner, Alison Becker,

Mike Mitchell, Cristela Alonso, special guest narrator Jean Grey. Oh, man. From the world of rap music. Yeah. And Jonathan Colton

will be doing a couple of new legally dissimilar pop songs. Formerly known, by the way, Jean Grey, formerly known as What What. Oh, really? Yeah. So if you've got a lot of Herbalizer 12 inches from the early 90s, you'll know her as What What. And we're going to be doing this show, Jordan, Jesse, Go! at the Punchline on January 20th,

1 p.m. That's an afternoon show. Yeah. And it's on Sunday. There's. Yeah. And it's on Sunday. There's no excuse. And it's on Sunday Funday, so come after you've gotten drunk at brunch. Yeah, they'll serve you a drink at the Punchline

if you want to. Sure. That's not going to be an issue. I mean, if you've had too much at brunch, maybe they won't. The Punchline is a- So they don't want to over-serve. Punchline is a cool place.

That's where I saw David Cross in college. My friend Tyler wore his puffer jacket that was made out of that hologram material. I was like, come on, Tyler. Give me a break. David Cross is the comedy show. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Thank you. Classic San Francisco story. So yeah, sfsketchfest.com or maximumfund.org for ticket links. That's sfsketchfest.com or maximumfund.org. Get those tickets. Come on. If you're in the area- Cop them ducats. And maybe if you're in another area that's sfsketchfest.com or maximumfund.org. Get those tickets. Come on. If you're in the area. Cop them ducats.

And maybe if you're in another area that's close, go for the weekend. Yeah. I think that's- Have yourself a nice weekend. Come down from Portland. You deserve it. Where are you, Sacramento? Let's go.

Come on down. Legislature's not in session. It's the weekend. For sure. You don't got to bang any gavels. No. With Salt Lake City, yeah, make the drive, baby. Yeah.

Straight across. Come on,. Yeah. Straight across. Come on, Salt Lake. Straight across. Provo, why not? We promise not to serve you any caffeinated drinks. Yeah. Missoula? We're getting a little further away with Missoula.

It's a beautiful country. You can make it. You deserve a weekend. You deserve a weekend. You need your weekend. Stop hoping that you'll see Sarah Vowell on the street. That's what I think people in Missoula who listen to Jordan Jesse Go do. They're hoping to see Sarah Vowell.

Yeah, I get it. She lives in Montana now. I get it. Maybe you're hoping Chris Fairbanks is visiting his family. Sure. He has long visits for Christmas. If you live in Los Angeles, I am hosting a live in-person once a year, put this on, holiday sale here at MaxFunHQ. So if you want to see our office, you want to check out our studio where currently the acoustic foam is literally collapsing off of the walls.

We've got about four feet of acoustic foam missing. That's going to be on Saturday, Saturday, December 15th, 10 to 5 at the MaxFun office. That's 2404 Wilshire Boulevard here in Los Angeles. You can find information at putthison.com. That's going to be a lot of fun. Me and Dan are going to be here selling special treasures. You can come by, say hi,

buy a pocket square or a funny hat or something. Mostly pocket squares and funny hats. Grab lunch at Langer's afterwards. Yeah. If you don't live in LA, I don't think you can because I think Langer's is closed on the weekends. You get weird hours.

Well, I'll tell you where to get the good pupusas. How about that? And if you don't live in Los Angeles, you can go to putthisonshop.com and get your holiday shopping done. If you use the code TUPPIES, you get free shipping. Yeah. And if you're looking for more MaxFun-related shopping, we got our Destroy the West DTW robot shirt. It doesn't say Destroy the West on it. Singing is always my hobby, Jordan. We have a robot who says that, that thing.

Brian's holding it up. He's got one of them. Oh, hey. Yeah. Brian's got a beautiful shirt. Singing is always my hobby. DTW, Jordan Jesse Go. You get those at maxfunstore.com. Sounds like a great gift for the Jordan Jesse Go fan in your life. I saw on Twitter, Esther Cepeda already has hers. Amazing. She's on top of it. maxfunstore.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh.

It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Glenn Weldon, homo superior. Dope. You know, Glenn's been working on that shit. He fucking nailed it. No, it doesn't sound right.

No, it sounds great. What did you not like about it? No, it's awesome. Let's talk about this. Let's workshop this. I think homo sufficient. Can I go with that? I just don't. I think that was planned too, and I love it.

I think it's a nice... I know it's a comic book reference, but it didn't really. It felt wrong. It felt bad. I do have some personal nice – I know it's a comic book reference, but it didn't really. It felt wrong. It felt bad. I do have some personal news before we get to the – Please. Yes.

Amazing. Count calls. By all means. Yeah. I'm glad you chose us as the venue. Yeah. The next time you guys see me, I'm going to be swole, jacked, ripped, shredded. I have retained the services of a personal trainer.

Oh. Goodness. The first time in my life. I will say, just not – you say you're going to become this way. I've known you a while, and you're in great shape, Glenn. You look like you're in great shape. I've never known you not to be swole. That's the thing.

The first time I met you, I was frankly upset at how swole you were. What is this guy who wrote a book about Batman and he's ripped? What's this guy's deal, right? So the first time I met you, I said to you, I had no idea that you were so ripped. You had guns like the US Air Force. No, no, no. And Glenn Weldon said to me at the time, I'm turning to Jordan now to relate this story since Glenn is roadblocking me here.

Glenn Weldon, our friend Glenn Weldon, he said to me at the time, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no interact with on a day-to-day basis. So you've just put your finger on it because y'all are heterosexuals. So this is – I am working on a different metric. At Jordan's gay pool, everyone is probably more –

This is the thing. Oh, I don't go to the gay pool anymore. I go to the pool in Burbank, which is far less gay. Right. Okay. Not only have I retained the services of a personal trainer, I have a nutritionist. Ooh. But I kind of lucked into her because basically I got kicked out of my gym.

My gym, the JCC, which is kind of the shabby. Get out of here. Nope. The shabby gym is closing for a year for renovation. So they shunted us all to the big gay gym in D.C., which is where just it's amazing. And it's not inspiring at all. So I go at 5 o'clock in the morning with all the other Morlocks so that the Eloy can have it all to themselves in the afternoon. And it's such a scene.

And they're all in these tank tops and they all have 10% body fat. And so my goal between the personal trainer and the – which they gave me for – you get one free session and then I kind of – because he was kind of hot. Yeah. Sure. And the, which they gave me for, you get one for free session and then I kind of, because he was kind of hot. So, yeah. And, and then the nutritionist, my goal is to get down to Rambo body fat percentage. I love it. You will recall. I love it. Like some junior, junior say-oh pads on the bottom of your feet disappear.

Because you don't have enough fat in your body to cushion your damn feet. And he walked with pain. Wow. That's my goal. Skeleted feet. Yeah. Are you going to be like, I knew a guy who was a bicycle guy. Yeah. And they often get really low body fat

from just the, you know, the huge amounts of exercise that they do. And this guy worked at the Valencia Cyclery. Shout out to the Valencia Cyclery by my house where I grew up where they used to, they would fix my bike sometimes for free. Nice.

Wouldn't even charge me because I was a little kid. Good guys. But this guy talked like this because his hormones had changed from having low body fat for a long time. Oh, really? Yeah, which I think is a thing. Huh. Like it starts to like redistribute your internal resources in weird ways.

It's worth it. I'll risk it. Yeah. I feel so much better about myself after I stopped going to the gay pool. Yes. I mean, I think I'm swimming harder and more seriously, so I think I am in better shape than I was when I was going to the gay pool. But I also have some nice fit dads to compare myself to. Right.

Some like some nice fit dads to compare myself to. Right. There are like the swimmer guys who are like, you know, these. Lanky. Kind of lanky, lean, sinewy, all German. I don't know why. Just something. But then there are just some like nice dads are doing it for fitness. And I'm like, hey, looking good.

Yeah. I mean, to take off your shirt at a gay pool. I mean, you are a braver man than I am. I mean, like you're in good shape. But, like, good lord. There's no way I could do that. There's no way. It is like when the character, like, when the character, there's the one scene where they take off their shirt in a Marvel movie because you just have to have it.

And it's like, ah! And it's, like, the craziest thing in the movie. It is like that. But just, like, it's surrounding you. Yeah. I mean, I think there's two. I think there are two vectors here. And I think as a homosexual gentleman, you're facing both vectors at once. So one of the vectors is people who share your gender.

Humiliate you because their bodies are so much more ripped than yours. Gotcha. Right. They've got you. They've got you outpaced dramatically. By far. you because their bodies are so much more ripped than yours. Gotcha. Right? They've got you outpaced dramatically. By far. So that's something that Jordan had to face down every time he went to the pool in West Hollywood is all these guys are gorgeous and ripped and they're shaved for the water and the whole nine yards, right?

But then there's a secondary thing, which is when the people that you are sexually attracted to are super ripped, like they're out of your class, out of your league, but you still have to stay there. Yep. You know, like it's like there's no situations in our day to day lives ordinarily where we are surrounded by people who are out of our league, but we have to stay there. You know what I mean? You've just summed up my life. Thank you. So you're getting both of those vectors at once.

Uh-huh. You know, the writer Annie Lamott has this book, Bird by Bird, in which she talks about a friend of hers who I think is an Episcopal priest who once said to her, here's how it works. When I see a really hot dude with a great body, I both want to be him and I want to lick him. And that's it. Right there. That's exactly

the issue. To be and to lick. The Glenn Weldons. So what are you going to do to get to be that? Because, again, to be clear, Glenn Weldon right now sitting before us in a short-sleeved shirt, we can see the guns. The gun show is on and it's real.

Yeah. I have to eat more. Really? Yeah. I was going to ask, but the nutrition is how that's going to factor into this. I am not eating enough. So my body is in starvation mode, so it's holding on to all this fat. Oh, no.

And that's what's going on. I need to eat more carbs. Brian, get him a waffle. This is the thing. Brian actually did a little physical bit when I yelled that. It was good. He really yes-handed it in a fun way. You know, Brian actually did a little physical bit when I yelled that. It was good. He really yes-anded it in a fun way. You know, Brian's got

a performer's background. He's willing to look for a waffle. That's awesome. I just grew up. I mean, I've been doing joyless salads for so long. Chicken breasts, grilled chicken breasts, and salad. This is what I thought was going to get me to where I needed to be. No, I need to eat more not just carbs

but fiber. 40 grams of fiber a day, she suggests, which is a hell of a lot. Yeah. Which is a lot. So what are you eating? Pineapples with the skin on? Two by fours.

Just a little bit two by four. Going to the Home Depot. And I don't, I was happy priding myself on not eating a lot of processed foods, but now she sent me

to Whole Foods, of course. She sent me to Whole Foods, which is, by the way, right across from the gym. Of course it is. Yeah. And there's this brand cereal, which is like it has the little pellets have like the look, the consistency, the color, the smell of what you feed guinea pigs. It is precisely that. It is the same smell I remember from childhood, and I'm putting that in my body.

Can I correct you, Glenn? I don't mean to. I know that you're the expert on your own body and, and I'm putting that in my body. Can I correct you, Glenn? I don't mean to... I know that you're the expert on your own body and so on and so forth. By all means. I'm an expert on whole food cereal. Yeah. It's 50% what they feed guinea pigs.

It's 50% what they use to line a guinea pig's cake. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's wood chips plus food pellets. A quarter cup of that has 70% of the fiber I need in a day, which is just like a quarter cup. That's crazy. Are you concerned about, and I want to put this delicately because I don't want this show to be gross. Are there bathroom issues? No, they're not.

Okay. No, because I know you don't like dookie talk, and I join you in that. Sure. But yeah, it's just more fiber. It's just eating more, like, it's just more fiber. It's just eating more. Like, even when you're not hungry. Like, it's – and it's – That sounds kind of fun.

At the JCC, I was, you know, I mean, I'll be honest. I was in the 90 percentile at the JCC. Yeah, at the JCC, you were primarily there not to become healthy but to attend lectures by Alan Alda. And I've switched. I've gone down to like 5% at the big gay gym. I mean there are two, at least two, possibly more gay porn stars who go to my gym. Oh, my. I don't want to see.

I don't want to see. I also don't know what they're doing in D.C. That's weird. I mean I guess everybody needs a job. Yeah. I guess they're lobbyists. I don't know. Majority whips. I don't know. Nicely guess everybody needs a job. Yeah. I guess they're lobbyists. I don't know. Yeah. Majority whips.

I don't know. Nicely done. Nicely done. Yeah. It's so dispiriting. And so I'm determined. I didn't even know Paul Ryan had gotten into that. It's a matter of time. Isn't it majority twink?

Is that something? Is that something? Anyway. Hard to say. Anyway. That's the news. Congratulations. Next time.

Yep. Jacked. How much exercising do you do? Like three or four times the news. Congratulations. Next time. Yep. Jacked. How much exercising do you do? Like three or four times a week. Okay. For like half an hour of cardio, half hour of lifting. By the way, I know I don't have the body fat percentage to be one of these guys who talks about it incessantly, but I can't wait to be that guy who talks about it incessantly. I want to be that guy.

Is part of this entering a state of ketosis? That I think is like the Atkins thing, which is she's going to be the opposite of that. Okay, yeah. When you cut back carbs so much that you go into a state of ketosis and you get bad breath and blah, blah, blah, blah. This is about just shoving fiber into your body. Shove, shove, shove. How long have you been a healthman? Have you always been a healthman?

No, no, no. I mean, I've known you for quite some time, and I've always imagined you to have been a multi-sport high school athlete. I was a swimmer back in the day. That was it because that's where we put the kids who can't catch a ball. Right. And that was me. And I was a swimmer for, you know, a good long time. And then I came out, and I needed to go to the gym a lot because I was single.

And then I got married. And then, nope. And just let it all go because that's what you do. Sure. And then, you know, it's – I mean, to be fair, in my case, I did that ahead of time. You were ahead of the game. Yeah.

Let her know what she's getting in for, you know? Exactly. They put me on this machine. This is one of the things that's frightening me. They put you on this machine. This is one of the things that's frightening me. They put you on the machine. The nutritionist did, which kind of goes through not only your body fat percentage, but also your metabolism, which is how I know I have a very slow metabolism, which is why I need to eat more. Sure. And also the number, the amount of body fat around your organs, which is way high, turns out, way high.

And the men in my family have their first heart attack at around 55. And I am 50 hell damn ass years old. And I want, I mean, I'm a middle-aged gay man. I want an ab. A ab. Just the one. The one's fine. I want one handsome barrel-style ab.

I have never had abs. Never. And I think they are my birthright. I don't think I've ever been able to touch my toes. That's my challenge. Well, you're a tall drink of water, Jesse. I mean, I would've ever been able to touch my toes. That's my challenge. Well, you're a tall drink of water, Jesse. I mean, I would imagine. It's a long distance.

It's a full league. Yes. I don't imagine you hinge correctly to do that. When something momentous happens to you, like you find out the amount of body fat around your internal organs. Oh, my God. Give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, or send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. It's our beloved segment, which for new listeners is called Momentous Occasions, where you share your momentous occasions with us, such as a momentous occasion including, but not limited to, the following.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Will in Chicago. I teach after-school classes, and I had a new child recently in. I teach after-school classes and I had a new child recently in one of my after-school classes and he was, you know, behavior... I'm surprised. Usually people have new children in hospitals.

Hey! Hey! Oh, I wasn't listening close enough to keep you out. I'm sure it was good. I'm sure it was good. No, you're mistaken. Okay. Twas not, friend. Tw was good. No, you're mistaken. Okay. Twas not, friend. Twas not. Okay, press play again, Brian. And he was, you know,

his behavior wasn't great on that day, and so I gave him a reminder and a warning, and then I asked him to set out from one of our games. And as he set out, he reached into his backpack,

took out a rabbit's foot, and sat stroking it and whispering into it while making very direct eye contact with me. So, I definitely curse. I'll probably die. Wow. That's a classic improv game

for curses. I have an omen reboot to go right. That's right. It's going to turn into a rabbit. Is that the way that works? I don't know how that works. Hard to say. I mean, if you're an itinerant improv teacher, as this man obviously is, because there's no other game-based learning. Mario teaches typing. Oh, yeah. Do you think that's what happened?

They had him just hit out from Mario teaches typing. I think so. He's getting too, yeah. Carmen Sandiego's upset with you. Go sit in the corner. The chief is upset with you. The chief is upset with too... Yeah. Carmen Sandiego's upset with you. Go sit in the corner. The chief is upset with you. The chief is upset with you. Yeah.

Carmen Sandiego. She would be happy that you're not on her tail. Yeah. She can steal the Eiffel Tower. How would Mavis Beacon feel about all this? That's what I was going to ask. Boy, I don't know. I'm pretty pissed.

I guess a reader rabbit something. I guess, to me, if you are- You're dying of dysentery too much. Sorry. Okay. There you go. That's the other computer lab game. SimAnt.

You played SimAnt in school? Yeah. Oh, cool. Isn't that weird? I had to play SimAnt at home for fun. For real fun. For fun. For real fun.

So I think if you are an itinerant improv game teacher, you have already been cursed. Like at some point, someone that you kicked out of your group has cursed you. Because I think the curse-giving community, at least the younger demographic of the curse-giving community, and the improv game-playing community are largely the same community. I mean, I think the improv community may be a little bigger. No, I take it back. All improv students can curse you. And they likely have.

Yeah. back all improv students can curse you and they likely have yeah um yeah geez i mean i think that's something that has well i don't know i'm i was gonna i think i argued against this in my head but i'll say it anyways yeah is that you know in in the world of like horror mythology the creepy child is really having a great 15, 20 years or so. So, yeah, I mean, I think like a dead-eyed child is now something you would fear or maybe you would not fear a dead-eyed child, you know, in the recent past. You know, on the show Sabrina – I'm sorry, The Chilling Adventures. The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. She gets cursed by her schoolmates at one point and there's a procedure. She just takes a certain kind of shower with some kind of herb.

And my first thought was like, I like that there's, you know, contingencies in place if one is cursed. Also, that seems like awful easy. You're getting that awful easy. Like cursing should be serious. Like you shouldn't just bathe. You can't just get out of it by bathing.

That doesn't seem right. But it's good that there's a plan. Like first you take the bath, then this Speaker of the House becomes president. Right. Yeah. My experience with the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina is seeing the photos online of the premiere. And the cat went to the premiere.

And they took pictures of the cat on the red carpet. And just I'm sure it's not like this. But just from the angle and the framing of the photos, it seems like the cat is there by itself. It's so fucking funny to see a cat in a human situation with no humans around it. It's like it just like they sent a car for it and it got in and then it went itself. It's so fucking funny. In fairness, it probably has a spouse. But then as soon as the paparazzi start up, she just pushes him aside.

Yeah. In fairness, it probably has a spouse, but then as soon as the paparazzi start up, she just pushes him aside. Yeah, the cat hands the handbag to the cat's spouse, and the cat's spouse stands over and out of the frame. Can I say I'm really glad that De La Renta loaned the cat a gown because I think that you should make those kinds of clothes for all types of bodies. Sure, yes, yeah. Real cats have curves. Not just sample sizes. You know what I mean? Brian, we got another call on the hopper? Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.

This is Josh from Philadelphia calling with a moment of occasion. I just talked to the credit union, and while I was waiting in line, the guy ahead of me just said audibly as he was making his withdrawal from the teller, the password is buttfuck. audibly as he was making his withdrawal from the teller. The password is buttfuck. And I should mention this guy is like in his late 50s. So I just imagine he's been doing this for a long time and just having a good old time with it.

Anyway, I love the show. Be safe. All those things. Bye. Yeah, you shouldn't say your passwords out loud. Hmm. Was he on the phone with somebody? Was he telling the teller?

He was. Well, you know, often when you're at the window, you have to type in your password now. Right. We don't go to the window that often, but recently when I've gone to the window, I still have to type in my PIN number or whatever. I'm a window man. Love going to the window. Really?

Oh, yeah. All window? Love filling out a deposit slip. You just like a lady in a white shirt from Structure? Sure, yeah. I don't know. I just like the bank experience. Makes me feel like I'm having a day, you know?

Oh, I got to go to the bank. And then I just go hang around at the post office for five minutes. It's really fun. Get my shoes buffed. What are the new stamps, you say? Oh, yeah. I don't want to buy any. I just want to look.

Oh, Muppets again. I was going to say Legends of Jazz. Did you say Lovitz again? Oh, man. Was there a John Lovitz stamp? Muppets again. I'm changing it to Lovitz again. So, yeah, you have.

They brought back. Yeah. First, the first set was just the compulsive liar or whatever that guy was called. And now- The new set is John Lovitz as John Lovitz. And then the critic, and then the guy from League of Their Own. Right. All the great John Lovitz roles.

His one season on news radio. Sure. His one episode cameo on an earlier season of news radio as a different character. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All the great Lovitz roles. Rat race. His one episode cameo on an earlier season of NewsRadio was a different character. All the great Lovitz roles. Rat Race. Who could forget Artie Ziff from The Simpsons.

Remember in Rat Race when he stole Hitler's car? Yeah. It's funny that's a movie. Kathy Bates is selling squirrels. A lot of fun stuff in there. And a great live performance from Smash Mouth. I think that's everybody's favorite part of Rat Race. Man, I have a couple of passwords that I think are really funny.

And it's so hard not to tell people about them. Right. Don't. That's the only way I can remember them. I'm not going to be able to remember. If my password was just like the quick brown dog or whatever. I could never remember it. I have a horrible memory. But I got a couple real winners, real great ones.

I have a hilarious social security number. Here it is. 553816969. Get it? Yeah. Math nerds will get it. Do either of you guys have funny Wi-Fi names? Nope.

No. There's a guy in my building whose name is Brian, and he has Bri-Fi. Yeah. I'm pretty jealous of Bri-Fi. I'm like, ah, fuck. I should have just spent five minutes on this. I'm sure I could have come up with a good one. Yours is just called Smog.

S-M-A-U-G. No, it's just bri-fi. There's a dude on my block that has surfing for porn. Wow. Which, you know, I mean, like, own it. Yeah. I mean, let's be honest. That man loves porn. Yeah. You should just go to Glenn's gym if he loves porn so much.

Sounds like a pretty hot gym. Gorgeous fellas. Yeah. Out there boning. In Washington, D.C.? I know. I mean, you've got to figure they're shooting it in Northern Virginia. No, no, no. I think they just live there and they fly out to L.A. You think Tacoma Park, Maryland?

I think all the Tacoma Park lesbians have like a cottage industry, yeah. I bet you don't want to – well, I'll say this and maybe we can unpack whether it's right or wrong. I guess maybe you don't want to live in the city where you shoot your porn. Do you want to make that like a long weekend thing? But here's the thing. I guess porn is universal. So everybody's seeing it. These aren't like porn plays.

I don't think porn performers get paid enough to buy the plane ticket, right? Like don't you get paid – I get the impression that you get paid like $500 to do a porn. Per porn. I bet there's tiers. Yeah. I mean, I'm confident there's tiers. There's probably some people who are comfortable with their jobs, but. Yeah.

I mean, I think it's like when, you know, how you hear about like Val Kilmer lives on like a ranch in Montana. Like I'm sure when Val Kilmer was starting out, you know, little apartment in Hollywood, going to auditions, you know. But then he became, after The Saint, he got that ranch money. And I'm sure that there's the porn equivalent of that.

So you're thinking these guys at Glenn's Gym, they had their star-making moment in Marines Get Fucked or whatever. I was going to say, this ain't the saint in XXX parody. I'm going to just taint the saint. That's pretty good. It would be better if there were more taint-themed pornography. Oh, man, I got a sock drawer for you. Taint misbehaving.

There you go. Sure. For those who love the classic musical. So you're thinking these guys have it made and they're on offer only now. Yeah, maybe. Sort of like probably Leah Thompson. Yeah, like a Leah Thompson. She doesn't need to audition.

She just, I don't know, I keep hearing that the bottom, as it were, has fallen out of the porn thing because of the free online porn, the little low type things. So I think, my understanding, that these guys aren't making much money at all and you can't really make a career out of it, which is why they all do OnlyFans, which is why you subscribe to their channel. And that's how they make money. Oh, and then so there's porn videos and then just them unboxing Kinder Eggs. they make money on. Oh, and then so there's porn videos and then just them unboxing Kinder Eggs. Star Wars toy. Yeah, sure.

Playing Fortnite. I would love that. Well, I don't want to speak for you guys, but I wish them all the best. Yeah, absolutely. Good luck exercising. Back to Obiscom. Boning around. Sure. For the whole nine best. Yeah, absolutely. Good luck exercising. Back to a biscombe. Boning around. Uh-huh.

Sure. A whole nine yards. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Playing with hot wheels. By the way, that's why they're on the first tier. They got that nine-yarder. Yeah. 27-footer.

Sure. Okay. If you've got a momentous occasion for us, 206-984-4FUN or jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We will return in a moment. On Jordan, here's a go. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy.

And this is Rachel McElroy. Hello, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is wonderful. It's a podcast that we do as we are married. And how's the ad going so far? Because I think it's going very good. We talk about things we like every week on Wednesdays. One time Rachel talked about pumpernickel bread. It was so tight. You cannot afford to miss her talking about this sweet brown bread.

We also talk about music and poems and, you know, weather. There is one... one time rachel talked about baby beluga this song for like 14 minutes and it just really blew my hair back so check us out on maximumfun.org it's a cool podcast with chill vibes amber is the color of our energy is what all the itunes reviews say They will now. Hey, it's Janet Varney of the JV Club podcast, and I am so excited to be joining Maximum Fun. If you're not yet familiar with the JV Club, it's a podcast with me and some of my favorite women, and in the summer, men, as we explore the highs and lows of our terrible teenage years into what I like to call our adult lessons.

For example, you can hear about Alison Brie's humiliating moment at a gymnastics competition. You can hear about Jesse Thorne's incredibly salty language in English class. Or let Busy Phillips tell you how she met Sharon Stone at an Arizona toy fair, somehow. You can join me and all my once-awkward friends every Thursday by subscribing to the JV Club at MaximumFun.org. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Jordan, you were about to introduce your beloved signature segment. Yeah. What's your favorite Avatar sequel? Sure.

Which Avatar sequel are you most excited about? Which Avatar sequel are you most excited about? I said, you know, sometimes I worry that this will never measure up to the legendary, long-running, stop podcasting yourself segment, What is a Goblin? Now, Glenn Weldon, our guest, happens to be a Stop Podcasting Yourself listener, not unlike myself. Yep, yep, yep. And so – and Glenn is also enough of a dork to have very strong feelings about this. And I think we need to just take a moment to clear the air and let Glenn go on record as a guy who has not been a guest on Stop Podcasting Yourself, just hasn't been to Vancouver as I presume the reason why. We should clear the air and let Glenn get this off of his chest and if Dave and Graham want to cut this into their show or whatever, they can.

But I just wanted to – I just want to give Glenn the opportunity to say what is a goblin. There is only one answer. It's just look at either you go by the Tolkien or you go by the D&D Monster Manual. It's the same thing. Goblins are orcs. Orcs are goblins. Okay. So this is the part that blows my mind.

So Glenn and I are like, of course, a goblin. What's a goblin? He's a little green guy. He's got pointy ears. Maybe he's kind of hungry looking. He's always sneaking around and doing evil stuff. Yep. All that stuff tracks for you? Mm-hmm.

Okay, so to me, an orc is a bigger guy, possibly with an axe or a hammer or something. That's because you're going by the movies. See, look, the Hobbit was written first. He used the term goblin because it was, you know, more expressly a children's book. And then in The Lord of the Rings, we find out that goblin is the hobbit's name for what orcs are.

Because hobbits are cute and they say cute things like goblin. So that is- A widow hobbit. A widow hobbit. Would say goblin. With his furry feet. Yes. What could be cuter than a goblin?

I would listen to that segment and be like, why are we fighting over this? Why are we reaching for something when it's already known? It is known. But apparently when I was queuing this up, you also have an opinion on what Avatar sequel you think is the most. Absolutely. Now, hold on to it because I've forgotten what they are. So let's go through them real quick. So again, I think there's been leaks to the geek press.

And again, this might change before this episode airs. They've announced over 27 upcoming. There are four Avatar sequels, all with a subtitle. And we're just asking everybody what they're most excited about. Each more anticipated than the last. The American movie going public at large. And more importantly, the Chinese. Yeah.

Avatar, the way of water. Avatar, The Way of Water. Avatar, The Seed Bearer. Avatar, The Tolkien Rider. And Avatar, The Quest for Iwa. E-Y-W-A. There's an apostrophe in there too? No. Oh, see.

I know. Iwa would have been great. You need an apostrophe. That's obviously The Seed Bearer. Yeah. Because A, porn. Sure. B, yeah, it's going eww would have been great. You need an apostrophe. That's obviously the seed bearer because A, porn. Sure. B, yeah, it's going to get a hard R.

And like that sounds great. The seed bearer. Yeah. The way of water is so boring. Seed bearer is actually a Pornhub exclusive. Sure, yeah. It's verified amateur content. It's going to be lots of ponytails being plugged into beasts.

Let me tell you. Every time we do this segment, I have to just Google on my phone, you know, Avatar sequels. And so the Google now thinks I am very interested in Avatar because I'm constantly Googling it. So every time I just like open the like news app on the phone or whatever, they are really telling me every,

every little rumor fan theory about Avatar. Never trust a seed bearer who was born in June. Right, exactly. With curly hair. Uh-huh. The t-shirt Jordan's wearing. There you go. Popper sticker.

Yep. Congratulations on your seed, by the way. Yeah, thanks. I'm bearing it. What can I say? Grin and bear it. That's what they say about seeds. Grin and bear the seed.

Yeah, I'm not enjoying my seed, okay Grin and bear it. That's what they say. Grin and bear the seed. I'm not enjoying my seed. Okay? I'm bearing it. Glenn Weldon, what a joy it has been to have you on our program as ever. Always a delight, guys. Thanks so much. Glenn, you've got two great books about superheroes available in stores.

One about the Batman. Yeah, one about the Batman. And one about the super guy. Yeah. On remainder tables across the country. Superman, the unauthorized biography. That's the first one, which is really out of print.

And the second one, which you might be able to find Batman. I'm sorry. The Cape Crusade, Batman and the rise of nerd culture. My publisher wanted to call it the triumph of nerd culture. And I was like, can we just go?

I'll meet you halfway. Rise. Both are great. I have read both. Thanks, man. Really, really enjoy both of them and I also enjoy Glenn on Pop Culture Happy Hour,

a terrific podcast that you should just go ahead and subscribe to because come on, fucking do it. I've read the Batman one. I did really like it. It's great.

I learned a lot about Batman. If you're wondering, are these books only for a person that already knows all about the Batman, I only knew a little bit. I mean, a standard amount. Not nothing. Not a lot of people know something about Batman. They know about his bat suit.

True. His pointy ears. It's the main stuff, but I knew that stuff. I knew it. I knew he had that little friend. Got the little friend. If there's something I know about Jordan Jesse Goh listeners, they enjoy something being put into a historical context. Yeah.

That's true. And that's what these do very, very well. These are American studies majors. Oh, yeah. Those are our people. Oh, yeah. Ain't no marine biologist listening to this shit.

Damn right. Glenn, always a pleasure to see you, and thank you for making the trip out to Los Angeles just to visit us. My pleasure.

We're sorry we led you to believe you'd be getting paid, or we'd be reimbursing you for the ticket. I'm just going to be hanging around here. That's okay.

Just hanging out in the studio. The thing is, is because of the free online videos, the porn economy has really crashed. It's true. So, Jesse and I are going to have to open some Kinder Egg. We're going to deliver some pizzas and just see what happens. I'm going to try some foods from a culture that isn't my own.

And I'm just going to throw this out there. Carpool karaoke. Try it. Try it. We should do a carpool karaoke. No. That would be there. Carpool karaoke. Try it. Try it. We should do a carpool karaoke. No. That would be great. People love those.

You know what I love about it? It's just like a side that I haven't seen before of some of my favorite celebs like Adele. Where they sing. But we can only do public domain songs. Drive it around. It's like an old gray mare. When Johnny comes marching home again. God. Corden really does something. When Johnny comes marching home again. God.

Corden really does something special when Johnny comes marching home again. As a non-American, he really captures the spirit of what it's like to our producer, Brian. It's nice that he dug up Stephen Foster and strapped him into the chair.

His skeleton. The jaw is just flapping up and down while Camptown Races comes out. After the ball. Is another Stephen Foster song. Also another one, yes. We'd pull over to a Starbucks and really stoke out some fans.

Yeah. God, fans are so stoked. Love fans. I love fans. I love stoking them. Yeah. I'm like a bellows for fans. Fans, flames. That reminds me, yoked. Yoked is'm like a bellows for fans. Fans, flames.

That reminds me, yoked. Yoked is another term that I'll be. Yoked. That's going to be good. Thank you, good lord. Sounds like stoking. Yoked. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is the producer of our program.

You can find us online. Chat about the show, MaximumFun.reddit.com. On Facebook, you can join the Jordan Jesse Go Facebook group. on Facebook. You can join the Jordan, Jesse, Go! Facebook group. You can also go ahead and join the... Wait. You can join the Max Fun Facebook group or you can like Jordan, Jesse, Go!

Either way, you're going to get a lot of great content. Mm-hmm. If you've got corrections for the program, we love to get them on Twitter. You can direct them to at JDPower, at JDPower on Twitter if you can direct them to at J.D. Power. At J.D. Power on Twitter if you've got any corrections for us or just different strong negative feelings

that you feel obliged to share. J.D. Power will note those. J.D. actually reads that. James Dunphy. Power. Sure. Not the associates, though. No. Cannot be bothered. No, they got other stuff to do. Mm. Sure. Not the associates, though. No. Cannot be bothered. No, they got other stuff to do.

Mm-hmm. Hashtag at JJ Go on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris, at GH Weldon. That's it. Am I remembering correctly? You are. I love to read a Weldon tweet. Great tweets. Oh, heck.

You could do a lot worse than get yourself a few Weldon tweets. You want some jokes about the challengers of the unknown? There you go. It's my wheelhouse. I do. It's a tiny wheelhouse, but it's mine. Yeah, I mean, if you need a list of tertiary Batman things, you know, top tier would be your penguin, your little yellow friend. I think he's talking about Robin.

Oh, sure. These are your top Batman things. Your secondary Batman things is like Crazy Quilt, Kite Man, Bat Computer. Wow, that's the second tier? What's on the third tier? It's a big drop. Holy shit! Kite Man had a moment recently.

Kite Man had a very good moment recently, and I think he's flown up to second tier. What does he do? Just fly kites? He is a kite. He has a kite suit. He has a kite suit? Yeah. He's a kite man.

So he can just drift away? That's his power? Yeah. Does he have a key at least to collect electricity? No, that's Benjamin Franklin, man. At GH Weldon is Glenn Weldon on Twitter. at GH Weldon is Glenn Weldon on Twitter

also check him out on the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast which is the best general pop culture discussion podcast

with the exception of Pop Rocket yeah I was gonna say we'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go MaximumFun.org comedy and culture artist owned

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