Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 561: Film of Protection with Open Mike Eagle

Episode Date: December 11, 2018

Open Mike Eagle (Tights and Fights, What Happens When I Try to Relax album) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Mike's popularity on the Hip Hop Heads Reddit despite his lack of face tattoos, why Jesse went big and bought a signature Ricky Henderson batting glove on eBay, and how Mike found himself in an actual professional wrestling match after a Twitter feud with a rapping wrestler.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, swim meet winner. I'm sorry? Do we have a champion in our midst? We have a swim meet winner. Well, that's a type of championship, isn't it? Yeah. I did my first swim meet today.

Yeah. An adult swim meet. For adults. I raced other adults in swimming. I'm sorry. You went to an adult swim meetup? I should... Now, this is a good point of... To talk about Joe Pera explains everything. Right. I did tell some...

Because I've been doing this swim thing recently for about a year, and I don't know what to call it when I talk about it because I say class, and that sounds like I don't know how to swim. It's a club. It's a club, a swim club. But that also implies a kind of socializing

that doesn't happen, though. But you have to wear a coat and tie. That's true. Yes, exactly. And they'll provide one for you, but it won't fit right. And it's a little out of date. It still has shoulder pads in it. Yeah.

Yeah. So I've and, you know, when the when the subject of meets has come up, I've been I've had to add adult onto it because I feel like it sounds like when I'm like I there's a swim meet. I'm going to go watch kids, which I'm not. No. I have no interest in kids. Children are babies. No, you're going to hang out with some slick, shaved, discreet men with terrible tattoos. Do you think that you ended up in this swim team specifically because it's shaved and 420 friendly?

Yeah, I mean, they're like, listen. Shaved, fit, 420 friendly. You're not in good shape. You have not swam in years, clearly. But you're very discreet. What's your best stroke? Freestyle. The other ones are too hard.

I can kind of do backstroke, but sometimes I hit my head. Freestyle is the crawl? Yes, it is the crawl, yes. Okay. And I was telling some friends. What do I look like, Michael Phelps over here? I was excusing myself from a social engagement early last night because I had this swim meet. I had to be there at 6 a.m. to warm up.

And I'm like, hey, I'm leaving early. I have to go to an adult swim meet at 6 a.m. in Commerce, California. And they said, man, people are more into Rick and Morty than I knew. So I learned later that everyone leaving thought,

everyone at the thing thought I was literally leaving to meet executives from Adult Swim in Commerce, California at 6 a.m. And I like that that was more plausible than me exercising. I appreciate that they think my career is going that well. But also I think that goes with Adult Swim's punk rock ethos as having just early meetings in places that are, you know,

half an hour outside of L.A. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. And, you know, half an hour outside of L.A. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. And, you know, they save money. They also don't pay residuals on that. Sure, yeah. Well, congratulations, Jordan. That's fantastic. I should say when I say I won, I meant that I had fun and tried my best.

I actually lost. I swam the slowest. Like a little baby. But congratulations on having fun and trying your hardest. Thank you. That's very good. I improved upon my personal best time. Are your shoulders broadening?

Is that something that's happening to you? I'm finally going to fit into that coat they give me. Coat that's been too big. Our guest on this week's- Got to bulk up. Fit in the coat. Do you pound down a lot of protein? You got to.

Yeah. Do you ever carbo load? Probably should have. Yeah. Probably should have gone to the Olive Garden the night before. See how long they'll let me sit there. I consider carbo-loading sort of a lifestyle. Yeah, you're just preparing for a marathon that never happens.

You never know when shit might go down. You're going to be called upon. You got to have a deep reserve of energy so that you can. That's why you eat everything in a bread bowl. Yeah. Soup, sure. Yeah. Fries.

Yes. Soda. Yeah, pasta in a bread bowl. Mm-hmm. Soda in a bread bowl. Smaller bread bowls. Yeah. Croutons.

Mm-hmm. Our guest on this week's program, beloved guest on jordan jessico he's been on once before i'm gonna say i think two or three times two or three times yeah two or three times he's uh one of the hosts of maximum funds own tights and fights podcast uh he's a professional wrestler undefeated an undefeated professional wrestler. He's also a popular rapper with a brand new rap album available in stores on the internet right now.

His name is Open Mike Eagle. Hi, guys. Hi, Mike. Hi, Mike. How you guys doing? How's that new album? You've been out on the road touring. Yeah, I just got home a week ago. Where'd you go? I went to Europe, a bunch of places in Europe, not just one because that would have been weird. I went to a bunch of European places.

One show in Stockholm, immediately back home to LA. I've gotten weird offers like that. They got that Ryanair there, you know? Oh, God, Ryanair. I guess I don't know what Ryanair is. It's in there, 20 euros, and they can get to Stockholm from anywhere in Europe. It's like the European Spirit Airlines. Oh, sure.

Real bad. And they, like, if you have a carry-on bag, they knock it out of your hands. Yeah, and then they charge you to pick it back up. There's a $10 not-tased fee. Oh, sure, if you don't want to be tased. Yeah. Yeah.

A no-bats fee. If you want a seat that doesn't have bats at it. Otherwise, you're sitting in the belfry. it. Otherwise, you're sitting in the belfry. Sure. Yeah, I like your new rap album very much. Oh, thank you for listening to my rap album. It has perhaps the best song I've ever heard

on the topic of ghost dating. Yes. It's a real phenomenon. I just wrote it because my barber ghosted me one time. Oh, no. A couple months ago. Your barber did? Yeah, and it wasn't the first time

so i'm like this must be what it feels like this is important because two two and for two important reasons uh number one everyone has an intimate relationship with their barber number two you have serious hair i do you have a you have a committed hairstyle i I was just in Washington, D.C., visiting some family, and my cousin Azulea has dreadlocks. She takes a train to Philadelphia from Washington, D.C. That's too much. To go to the dreadlock man. There's so many in between. I'm sure.

There's at least four. There's no black people in Washington, D.C., I guess. No, she goes to Philadelphia. She's had the same guy for 15 years or something. He's got to move to D.C. And she goes there once every couple months. He takes care of the hair. Wow.

And she goes back. So you have this relationship when you have serious hair, which you have. Look, and this is the thing. I have two people in my hair life. I have my dreadlock person and I have my haircut person. It's kind of a thruple. Yes. It is a very modern, new age, progressive relationship.

We all love each other very much. Sure, yeah. You've got like a little twist. For listeners at home. Oh, we should describe it probably. Who don't. Because they don't. What are they thinking right now?

Sure. You have a shaved side. Yes, and I have a tall, gumby middle. No. I wish I did, though. You'd look great. I think so. Like Kwame. You have a shaved side. Yes, and I have a tall, gumby middle. No. I wish I did, though. You'd look great. I think so. Like Kwame.

You would look really well. Polka dots? Yeah. Can I put polka dots in my hair? I think you could do that. I'd like to. Yeah. But yeah, it's shaved

mostly on one side. I need a haircut. By the way, thanks for going with Kwame and not kid and play. The reference that everyone else would have understood. I'm too deep inside.

I can't see outside. The bubble. Hey, thanks for promoting my other podcast that people can't get enough of hearing about. There's one thing people love. It's hearing about bubble. Bubbles. Available now wherever you get your podcasts. But you got like a six inch length, I would say, twists on the top.

Yeah. Maybe longer. And it's a lot longer on the other side. It's a whole thing. I started it with no plan at all. Actually, I started it. I was looking at Dave from De La Soul on the cover of the first De La Soul album, and I was like, I want that hair. And he had a flat top with dreadlocks on like one third of it.

And so I kind of started growing my hair that way with no plan for the future. That's a very serious haircut. Yeah, even he bailed on it in two years. I've been rocking this a strong five or six. So if it's not too painful what when did you when did you know you had been ghosted by your hair person when i was sitting uh in the barber shop where he works at and he wasn't answering my text messages even though it was well past the time we both agreed on oh boy and the other barbers in the shop were looking at me like

we haven't heard from him this morning oh wow and so. And I had somewhere to be in an hour and a half. So I had to go get my hair cut by a stranger. Do you have a standard meeting time with your barber? No, we just make appointments. But appointments are for meeting at an agreed upon place. And he's not good at that. He's not good at it. This was like the third or fourth time

where I've been like sitting. I think maybe in two months you're going to like wake up to a text that was sent like at 2 a.m. and it's just going to say thinking about you. Yeah. I deserve that.

Sure. I deserve that. But I've moved on. Now I don't even talk to him anymore. Or just a... You up? Need tight fade? Sure.

Say again? You up? Need tight fade? Oh, man. Yeah. Or maybe just – That could be taken so many ways. Yeah.

Anyway. I'm at where we used to meet. But the song on the album is about a romantic relationship with a ghost. Like how to date a ghost. It's informative. Right. But it literally comes from the modern ghosting thing that happens in Dayton. I just stretched it out too far and just made it about an actual person that died because that's the sort of thing that appeals to me.

And you do also on the album, I noticed, on a different song, brag about how many podcasts you guest on. So we're happy to be there. Every podcast I listen to, I have been on. Yeah. Mike, did you know that you are probably the most popular rapper, other than Kanye West, on the rap Reddit? I know there's quite a few threads,

but I also do not believe the first part of that statement in terms of my popularity. I am subscribed to the rap Reddit. that statement in terms of my popularity i am subscribed to the rap reddit there's a bunch of rap reddits are there not the one that i'm subscribed to is called hip-hop heads okay this is the biggest one i think i think it's the biggest one and there was a time when i first i remember looking at reddit for the first time five or ten years ago and looking at it and it was kind of like there used to be this message board called hip-hop infinity uh-huh hhi that was like very like the most self-consciously underground of

underground rap and that was kind of the tone of this group it was like who can be the tulip qualiest and no offense to tulip qualies. But these days, it's all face tattoo rappers. Yes. All rappers from the face tattoo community. Have you thought about a face tattoo, Mike? I have. I have decided that I have aged out of the face tattoo, unfortunately. But, I mean, honestly, at this point, it takes me out of the conversation.

But here's the thing. But here's the thing. So here's the thing. I disagree. Well, okay. Because. I'm hearing you. So I look at this thread, and, you know, there's old rappers that I know about, and there's rappers with face tattoos that just confuse me. I'm not against it, just baffled by it.

I realize that my brain no longer has the plasticity to understand what that is. To me, for the listeners at home, Jesse is rubbing his brain. It looks like the nicest self-massage. It does look kind of nice. It's like those wire claws you get at the mall. Yeah. It looks like something they sell at the airport, just your own fingers rubbing your head. In hindsight, we probably shouldn't have been demoing those as much as we did.

Yeah. Or at least I did. Yeah. Those have been on a lot of heads. Yeah. Anyway. That's how you get lice. Mm-hmm.

Definitely shouldn't have put it on my pubes. It feels so good. And you're in the airport and you're stressed. Yeah. Who could blame you? Yeah. You get bad service at the Chili's too. Do you think-

And you just want to comb out those pubes. Do you think that's how i got head crabs because it probably is that's the worst way too much half-life that's a bad guy in half-life so um uh on that on that hip-hop heads reddit where many of the things are things i don't understand uh-huh uh and they're and they're regular they're 69 or whatever that guy's called. Oh, 69. Tekashi 69. 69.

I don't know what that is. I know he's in trouble with the law. He's going to jail for a long time probably. What did he do? I read a New York Times article. He's a lost young man. Well, he's going to jail because he's associated with very hardcore gangbangers who have been caught by the feds doing all sorts of illegal shit. Oh, boy.

Yeah. And they do a lot of it on his Instagram. Yeah. And here I thought 69 was nice. Apparently he got involved in all this stuff after he became a famous rapper. And then this is all from this New York Times article I read. After he became a famous rapper, he got involved with this and was live streaming most of it on his Instagram. Then he found out from the feds that they were going to kill him.

That his crew was going to kill him. That his crew was going to kill him. Wow. This is dramatic. Yeah, now he's going to jail. Yeah. For a long time. Better than being killed.

Better than being killed. Exactly. Unless you get killed in jail. Yeah. That's probably a bad kind of getting killed. Double worse. Yeah. Do not want to get killed in jail.

But the good news is that whenever there's a post about Open Mike Eagle, which there is regularly. It's true. I'll see it there and I'll say, oh, that's my friend Open Mike Eagle. I know that guy. I don't have that many friends that are rappers. So Open Mike Eagle will show up on there. You know Snow, right?

Yeah. But he's more of a toaster. Oh, okay. That's an important distinction. Right. One lickies Boom Boom down. The other does not. Okay. Is there a mnemonic i can i can have to how to know that anyway man on stop podcasting yourself dave and graham both named

snow's follow-up song wow and then i went listen to it yeah how was it i mean not good was it better or worse than Informer? Worse. Okay, that's saying something. Yeah. I mean, it was less rappy and more pop-singy. Scary. Yeah, but it could have been a lot worse, honestly.

I was like, this is very competent. But whenever Mike comes up on Reddit, just so much, he's the great best rapper in the world. I love every, every album of his is better than the last. Blah, blah, blah. Like,

down, down, down, down the list. And I always think like, oh, that's nice. It is. It is kind. The people who talk about me on Reddit are typically kind.

I think it probably helps for Reddit popularity that you do occasionally mention Castlevania. I do. It's probably a good. I think it helps my standing on the Reddit that I know the Belmonts.

I just try and periodically mention Castlevania on here, so just to protect us. To offer kind of a film of protection around us. There's ghosts. They'll eat you if you don't say Castlevania once. It's true. Once a fortnight. Is that what this is? Is this a film of protection? Ooh, no. That's my...

I was going to say that's my cum. I don't know why. Why say anything? I thought you were going to go. Why say anything? I thought you were going to go lice. Yeah, no. And I stopped because I'm like, don't say that. Why?

Why? Why? Why? Say it's a soap bubble. Say it's a soap bubble. Say you were just doing the dishes. I don't know. We've talked about pubes and lice in 69.

That's true. Cum, it was next in the sequence. No, you're right. So it wasn't that long of a run. I was just doing the next logical thing. I agree. It's just that we've never talked about anything gross on our show or vulgar. Yeah.

I feel like we should set the precedent now. Mike, who's your favorite Belmont? Simon. Yeah. The only one I can name. Wait, is a Belmont a Castlevania? A Belmont is a Castlevania. Are they Dracula's?

Uh, well, boy, do you want to get into it? Yeah. So in some Castlevanias, you do play as vampires. Right. Most prominently, Castlevania, Symphony of the Night for the PlayStation 1, you play as- Is it a sexy vampire? I think everything, there's no, the canonical Castlevania games, even the most advanced one, everyone is still a little 16-bit guy. So you don't get a lot of detail.

So I think to be turned on by them would be a challenge. Can I ask? Maybe some fan art or some, you know, maybe back in the NES days, some graphics and like the manual. You get the Nintendo Power. Yeah, that's true. You could crank it to pictures of Dracula and the Nintendo Power. And of course, Howard and Nestor. If you've never been turned on by Duck Hunt.

Sure, yeah. And you've never played Duck Hunt. Yeah. That's my position. When that dog goes, yeah. He's laughing at your small dick. That's what gets me off. You're a nasty little cuck, aren't you?

And then they have skeet shooting on there, eh? Hey! There we go. Castlevania is a Nintendo game, isn't it? It is. Well, the original one. Yeah, the original. The original two, I think.

Yeah, I think. Was it three? So, yeah, I think 4 was a Super Nintendo game. So I think it was a Nintendo-exclusive franchise. Maybe, oh, hmm. No, they made a Genesis one. They made Bloodlines. Oh, boy.

Oh, I could talk a long time about this, I'm realizing. Wait, so it's a bunch of Draculas in a castle, isn't it? Yeah, typically. I mean, there's some that kind of branch from that. I do believe there are different castles as well. That's true. What's the guy you were saying? Two was more of an RPG, so you could go out into the village and hear what the villagers thought about the Dracula.

I had no time for that shit at all. Boy, yeah, Two's very bad. I love Castlevania, but Two's a real snooze. Honestly, that's the last one I played. I never played Symphony of the Night. Oh, Symphony of the Night is one of the best video games. I hear that it's genre-defining. Absolutely. Yeah. What's the Night is one of the best video games. I hear that it's genre defining. Absolutely.

Yeah. What's the genre? Dracula jumping? You laugh, but Metroidvanias. I played a hell of Metroidvanias this year. Yeah, it's a big year for Metroidvanias. Hollow Knight. Yeah, I've heard Hollow Knight's great.

Wait, is Metroidvania the name of the genre? It is. Yeah, it's a- Oh, that's a fucking awesome name. Yeah, it sure is. That's great. a fucking awesome name. Yeah, it sure is. That's great. Video games are fun. Yeah, they sure are.

They really are. It's like a side-scrolling game that has kind of a big map that you unlock pieces of by getting things. By getting abilities. Yeah. Like suddenly you have the wings, so you can fly higher, so you can go over that wall you couldn't walk past in the beginning. I bought the cowboy game. It's been installing on my Xbox for the last two weeks. Sure, yeah.

Oh, gosh. It's been, I thought, like, I got an hour. I can play that video game I spent $60. Yeah, there apparently was a lot of development, a lot of programming done on that game where, like, each blade of grass, like, animates separately. And, like, the horse's testicles rise or lower depending on the temperature in the scene. Sure, yeah. You know, that's a lot of coding. Some people had to stay up all night and not see their families just to animate those balls.

Sure, each horse had a separate coder and each horse testicle had a separate coder. So I'm working underneath the horse guy, pardon the pun, were two testicle guys. It was one Catherine the Great. That's fun. I appreciate that. You know why? Number one, I don't care about those people. They can suffer.

Oh boy. Number two, say Castlevania more times. Castlevania, Castlevania. I judge games by volume of programming. Oh, there. Number two. Say Castlevania more time. Castlevania, Castlevania. I judge games by volume of programming. Oh, there you go. Most programming. The more, the better. That's what I say.

I mean, that's- I do care about those people. Yeah. I'm glad you said that. Also, there was a TurboGrafx Castlevania game, Rondo of Blood. Oh, really? Yeah, I think of Rondo of Blood. I want a TurboGrafx.

Was there anything on the Jaguar? That's a good question. I don't think so. No. No? I don a good question. I don't think so. No. No? I don't think so. I don't think there was a Lynx Castlevania game. How about 3DO? Bobcat? No. There's nothing on the Serval?

I was trying to think of a company that would have made the Bobcat. These are all Atari products. These are all Atari products. I'm sorry. Oh, that's right, because they had the Fierce Cat naming convention for a while. Yeah. Anyway. Serval's more of a long jumping cat. It's a great jumper.

But then they had Tiger Electronics that made little handheld video games. Oh, that's true. They didn't do nothing. They didn't do nothing. No, it was just a picture that could move in two ways. I won't have you guys slander those because I got, in classic Jesse's childhood fashion, I got a secondhand copy of LCD baseball. L-E-D?

L-E-D. C. LCD. LCD. Liquid crystal display. Yeah. So I got a secondhand copy of LCD baseball like six years after it was a thing. I mean, I, to this day, think the definitive Tecmo Bowl is the LCD Tiger Tecmo Bowl.

I'm sorry. It plays the most like real football. I have never played real football. But I'm assuming it's like. I had the Bo Jackson Tiger. Oh, yeah. Which was both football and baseball. Sure.

He was a two-sport athlete. Depending how you turned the device. That's intense. That's really great. Bo knew video games, apparently. He knew. R.I.P. Is he?

No. No, he's fine. If he's dead, I'm going to be real sad that I made that remark. I think he's very healthy and alive and quiet and rich somewhere. I watched the 30 for 30 on Bo Jackson. It was good. And at the end, it showed him crossbow hunting. Yeah.

Making his own arrows. Oh, I forgot about that part. Yeah. That's the, to me, this came up at my Thanksgiving dinner. Wow. My cousins. Well, my cousins, you know, they're from Virginia. We cross on sports and bow hunting.

Okay. Yeah. So one of my cousins said somebody gave him a crossbow. And so I'm like- That's somebody- Okay. It's suspicious when someone is trying to get rid of a crossbow. Maybe don't just take a crossbow from someone.

You might- Well, who's going to turn down a crossbow? No, you're right. You're right. You'd be a fool. You'd be a fool to turn down the crossbow. I'm not saying that cousin is not allowed to have guns right now, but I'm not not saying it. So somebody gave him a crossbow.

Good. Do they have any other- It's good that he can still be armed. He seems like he's in a good place in his life, so we don't have to be concerned about him. Do they have any other- Just quickly. Please. Do they have any other weapons that are made from a regular weapon turned sideways and affixed to the top of a gun?

Oh, yeah. Is there any other weapon? I think there's the super axe. The super axe. I remember that from childhood. Yeah. Imaginary fights. Sure, yeah.

We all went into our dad's sock drawer and found his super axe. Yeah, what if you put a baseball bat sideways on a gun? What would that do? Oh, sure. You just couldn't get through the door, but it'd be something. I think we just started writing a Warriors reboot. No one take that. No one steal it.

No one write the movie before we can. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, to someone who is like the people who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate. And the other one will flunk out of med school. Yeah. In summary, we're also brought to you this week by our friends at Stitch Fix. What happens when a problem comes along, Jordan? You must stitch it. They're an online personal styling service.

So basically this is what happens, Jordan. Okay. You go onto their website, StitchFix.com slash JJ Go in this case. You tell them a few answers about your lifestyle. You say, I'm a construction worker. Young professional. I'm very glamorous at night. I'm part Dracula. Sure.

They report that to the FBI. FBI comes in, stakes the drac and then you get some nice pants in the mail Dracula's dead and you're looking great they pick out clothes based on what you already like and what your lifestyle

is your personal stylist does they send you some stuff no obligation you only pay for what you love you return the rest. And all of that shipping, the returns, the exchanges, everything, all is free. Jordan, you're a happy customer. Oh, yeah. I love Stitch Fix. They always send really cool stuff, stuff that maybe is like, you know, a little out of my style window, something I, you know, maybe would not consider in a store, but I get it from Stitch Fix. I try it on. I'm like, hey, this looks good.

Daddy like. Yeah, and I'm really amazed at how well everything fits. Can you say daddy like about yourself? I don't know. Am I my own daddy? Yeah, I guess. Geez, there's a time travel paradox going on here. Why was I so negligent growing up?

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Hey, I noticed on the Stitch Fix website, there's some gift giving options. Oh. Did you know that it's that season? Is it really? Yeah. I was thinking about it. I was like, what season is it? My first guess was autumn. Yeah. Anyway, it's not. It's gift giving season.

Oh. Yeah. Well, then people should go to Stitch Fix dot com slash JJ Go. Yeah. Hey, guess what? We also have another sponsor this week, Jordan. Our friends at Eero Home Wi-Fi Systems. Mm-hmm. The new Eero. I will be your Eero baby. Yeah.

We gotta have a song for everybody, right? Oh, you kind of did that crooner style. Thank you. Wasn't a compliment. I guess it was. I chose to take it as such. What was that, like a Johnny Mathis maybe? Yeah, kind of a Mathis.

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I got a split-level home. It's on a hillside. It's impossible to get the Wi-Fi from where the cable modem is downstairs up to my kitchen so I can watch the ball game while I'm doing the dishes. Yeah. This is all I want in the world. Well, sounds like you need an Eero. Seems like you need to go to Eero.com slash JJGo.

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Yeah, it's great. Sounds fantastic. Use that offer too, JJGo. Oh, okay. Okay, cool. I will. Great. Done. Thank you. Have fun.

Hey Jordan, people across this great nation are clamoring for an opportunity to see us live in person. That's true. And they can do it now if they're in one specific part of the nation. Two specific parts. I'm going to be here at MaxFun HQ on this Saturday. Saturday December 15th.

I believe it is. From 10 to 4 for the Put This On holiday sale. And not just me, Jordan. Me and my mom. Wow. Judy. Yeah. Judy's going to be here, too. She's coming down.

So come visit us at 2404 Wilshire Boulevard, and we will say hello. We'll sell you some holiday gifts. It's going to be a really good time. I just got a pile of free gifts that I'm going to give away with purchase. Free gifts? Yeah, free gifts with purchase, Jordan. Sounds like a lot of fun. With purchase. Don't fuck around with me. Purchase something. Don't fuck around with me and Judy.

You came all the way down here. Don't break Judy's heart. She's gone through enough already. She already had to raise me. Single mother. Judy. Those are the real heroes. Thank you. Thank you. I'm holding my phone so I can read the announcements, but I'm clapping. I did an interview the other day on a radio station called WGCU, and it was really fun. It was about three songs that told the story of my life.

Ah, amazing. Yeah, great fun. And I mentioned that my parents had gotten divorced when I was three. My mom sent me a very stern email. I was four when I got divorced. That's your bad. Yeah. That's your bad.

Come on. That one's on me. Yeah, it's on you. We're also going to be speaking of the San Francisco Bay Area where my parents were divorced. Yeah. We're going to be at the courthouse getting a divorce ourselves. We're going to be up at SF Sketch Fest. Yes. We're going to be at the courthouse getting a divorce ourselves. We're going to be up at SF Sketch Fest.

Yeah. We're going to have Jordan and Jesse go there on Sunday, January 20th at 1 o'clock afternoon show at the Punchline,

which is right there in downtown San Francisco. It's a great, great club. Saw David Cross there once. Oh, sure. We're the David Cross

of podcasting. Yes. I guess. Uh-huh. We're the David Cross of podcasting. Yes. I guess. Uh-huh. We were in some Chipmunks movies, weren't we? I can only assume. People were weirdly mad about it. Yeah.

Come on, let the man get a job. Sure. We've also got, and this is something I'm really excited about, we're doing a huge bubble spectacular at Cobb's. It is going to be, we're blowing the doors off here, Jordan.'s. It is going to be... We're blowing the doors off here, Jordan. Oh, this is going to be a really, really cool show. This is Friday, January 19th, 10.30 p.m.,

Cobb's Comedy Club, an all-new episode of Bubble, our sci-fi comedy podcast that I hope you've listened to by now. Jonathan Colton's going to be there along with the cast. We're going to have all kinds of special guests and exciting

stuff. And this is in continuity. In continuity. I'm almost done writing it. It's a very funny episode, I think. I think it's going to have a lot of laughs in this episode. But it will be confusing. No, it

will not be confusing. It's good. And there's a couple plot bombs in it, too. There's a couple revelations, a couple mysteries people have been wondering about. Can I tell you something, Jordan? I think there are a lot of folks who fly out to SF Sketch Fest or drive up or down to SF Sketch Fest. Given that you've got Judge John Hodgman, Bubble, and Jordan Jesse Go all in this one weekend, plus Hodgman's doing other stuff, Colton's doing other stuff. I mean, this is the weekend to choose.

If you're headed to SF Sketch Fest, pick this weekend, come out to these shows, come say hello to us. Nobody's going to come to our Jordan Jesse Go show. You have to open lane to us. Sure, yeah. You can come and stab us if you want to. Lay across three seats. Yeah.

Yeah, no, these are going to be really, really fun shows. I'm excited about them. SFSketchFest.com. You can find all the information or just go to MaximumFun.org and click the links there under live shows. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the moose tracks, man.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michael Eagle, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, the Moose Tracks man. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Michael Eagle, a human being. Can I recommend something to the two of you? Please. No. No! If you get the opportunity, and this isn't, look, I don't have control over your lives as much as I'd like to think I do. I don't control your lives. I can just make suggestions. Yeah, I can go wherever I want to. If you get the opportunity to become a business person, I'll tell you why.

When you become a business person, this is something I've learned as I've grown from solo practitioner to what they call a small shop to creative businessman, which is what I am today. Does that come with a hat? Absolutely. It's like a tri-corner. Buckle front? Yeah, it's like a British naval hat of the 17th century, essentially.

And when you become a magnate, you get that batting helmet with the two beers on the side. With the two beers on the side. So my suggestion to you is become a business person because when you are a business person, people start to appreciate your business. Like the fact that you could buy something from them or hire them for a service or something along these lines. And then you will receive gift baskets at Christmas. I had never received a gift basket in my life until, let's call it, three years ago. Now I'm in a place where the business is doing well. We got a lot of people work here.

We got people that we work with. They send us gift baskets. We'll get three, four gift baskets over the course of December. Wow. I'm the owner. I get first pick of anything I want out of that fucking thing. What do they have, bicycles in them? What do they got?

Ice cream makers? What do they got in the baskets? What's in there? Bicycles and ice cream makers. That's actually most of it. Some xanthan gum. It's a thickener. And, ah, bats.

Guys, we should go into the gift basket business. Look out, Harry and David. Here comes Jordan, Mike, and Jesse. I'm a business as an entertainer, and because of that, I have people who work for me in the way of agents and the network that I'm working with right now. I had a birthday recently. The network and my agents got me birthday gifts. It feels so strange. Were they good gifts?

They were well-meaning. All of them were like, oh, these people kind of know who I am. That's nice. They get me stuff that's appropriate. It wasn't just a hastily written coupon, good for one free back rub. Twas not, but would have appreciated. Sure. I don't know how to thank them. Because there's like so many email threads. I don't know how to...

Because none of the email threads are about my birthday. They're all about business. And then I'd have to go comb through the email threads and try to assemble... You'd have to write a nice note i can't i don't even look you're gonna have to at this point you're gonna have to send them an edible arrangement i am i don't even i don't even know all my agents what are we looking at booking agent but what other types of agent you got a show business agent yeah but i have like four of them yeah and i don't know who was all in on this gift and who wasn't.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think they all were. Just write it to Mike's agent's care of Endeavor. Okay. All right. I like this plan.

Whether or not Endeavor represents you, they know each other. That's fine. They can forward it around. Something I have... And a piece of advice I was given by a show business insider this year is that- Always send cookies to Judd Apatow. Sure. Right.

Exactly. That guy gets shit made. Yeah. I have heard that if you want to really make a splash with your showbiz holiday gift giving, you don't send the stuff to the agents. Because they get, that's their business. They're getting stuff sprayed at them from every direction.

They're drowning in iPod nanos. So many nanos. Everybody's sending them a nano. These guys don't know what to do. They're lousy with nanos. These guys have guys out back building an addition to their house out of nanos. I heard you get a little gift for the assistants.

It is someone who appreciates it more and they will remember you. These are people who are likely to climb the ladder. you know, need a response from an agent, that assistant will remember the, you know, dead bat you sent. Yeah. And push that through. Would this be like a mounted bat or just a stiff? No, it's a dead bat and then a Polaroid photo of you killing it.

So they know. So they know you didn't just go to a store. Anybody can sign a certificate of authenticity. They knew you grabbed it right out of the overhead compartment in that Dutch airplane. Yeah. And in a sparkly Sharpie, you circled the bat and wrote Y-O-E. Right there on it. So they know. So they know it's personal.

It's for you. Yeah, exactly. I bought myself a gift that I needed a Polaroid photo that didn't come with it. I was on eBay, and I had just been cut out of a 30 for 30 about Ricky Henderson. I'm sorry. And I was so excited to have been involved in this 30 for 30. This is the podcast version, not the TV version. I'm having trouble following this.

So you know what 30 for 30, the sports documentary series on ESPN. So there's a podcast, Corollary. They were making one about Ricky Henderson. It came out recently. And the kind producer, a friendly acquaintance of mine. Were you really? Is this real? Yes, this is 100% real.

I thought this was a bit I was trying to follow. No. Okay. No, this is 100% real. I did probably an hour long interview. I thought you were going to get to a thing where you're trying to take a picture of your dick or something. Okay. No, this is 100% real. I did probably an hour long interview. I thought you were going to get to a thing where you're trying to take a picture of your dick or something. Okay. This is real.

This is totally real. So I did maybe an hour long interview about Ricky Henderson. And Mike, we don't know each other as well as Jordan and I know each other. But it's not hard to get me to talk about Ricky Henderson for an hour. Ricky Henderson is amazing. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. You want me to talk about how I think everybody that doesn't like Ricky Henderson is racist? Easy.

Like this. Boom. Boom. Like that. So I can – I did this big long interview with my friend Chris. He was one of the producers on this thing. He sent me a very nice email. He saidesse i'm so sorry bad news you got cut out of the 30 for 30 by leganza we needed to fit in more guys that played with here's the thing right i get that they're coming from

espn 30 for 30 what type of operation are you running where you're doing an audio podcast documentary and you're interviewing people and then fucking cutting them out? That's weird. That's un-fucking-necessary. Thank you. That's fucking strange. Planet Money did that shit to me one time, too. Why? Yeah.

You've been cut out of some prestigious things. Yeah. That's great. Now, granted, the Planet Money one was about stagflation in the late 1970s. All I talked about was how people who don't like Ricky Anderson. Well, well, okay. Well, well, well. Maybe it'll show up on the DVD extras to the podcast.

Podcasts have DVD extras, right? I was sad because many more people listen to the 30 for 30 podcast than listen to any podcast i've ever been on and so it would have been nice it would have been nice if uh well you know scott ackerman invited me on comedy bang bang once but i couldn't do it and he hasn't invited me since oh gosh he invited me to audition to be on the tv show and hasn't spoken to me sc. Scott's a good man. He's good. So anyway, I wanted to be on this because I thought, like, if there's going to be something in my Wikipedia that says what I was an expert on,

I want it to be he passed away at 89, and he was best known as an expert on how people who don't like Ricky Henderson are racist. That's good. That's what I want. That's how I wanted to define my legacy. Did you have the age of your death in there? Yeah. Wow. 89. Okay. Not bad. That might be a couple years too long.

One of Ricky Henderson's best years, though. He won the World Series with the A's that year. Oh, it's all times. So that's fun. And he was ALCS MVP. He also talked about himself in the third person amazingly. Every year. Casually. No sweat. No sweat. Not a thing

to him. So I was thinking, I was feeling a little raw and I was thinking about Ricky Henderson. So years ago my colleague that put this on, emailed me this finished auction in a sports memorabilia auction. That was a guy who had been, uh, uh, like a bat boy or something

or equipment manager for the A's. And it was an auction for like 18 of Ricky Henderson's signature batting gloves, which any Ricky Henderson fan would know he Henderson's signature batting gloves. Wow. Which any Ricky Henderson fan would know, he wore very distinctive batting gloves that were electric green and had big pads on the back of the hands, made by Mizuno. And I was thinking about those and I thought about those so many times

and I just sat down at eBay and I typed in Ricky Henderson batting glove. I'm like, I don't care. There's not going to be one here. And there was one there. But I emailed the guy. I'm like, hey, what's the provenance on this batting glove? This is a well-used batting glove, and it is that type.

What is that word you said? Provenance. What the hell does that mean? I asked him for the Polaroid of Ricky Henderson wearing the batting glove. I see. He could not provide it. Well. And you know what?

I bought that shit anyway. I'm like, who's faking that? No one. Who's faking that? Who buys the glove from the past? You got to buy it in 1992. Or else it's not going to look right. I know because there was a kid named Jose on my baseball team who had one of them.

And we could not fucking believe it. Now, that glove is also it's the only thing you wear during lovemaking though, right? Yeah, well it's the only thing I make love to

that's for sure. Oh boy. Isn't that a scene in A Mice of Man or something like that? Where he makes love to one of her kids. Oh yeah.

There's the, yeah, sure. The evil farm man keeps his hand his wife-pleasing hand His wife-pleasing hand in a glove full of Vaseline or something. Maybe this is a podcast, us explaining the classics. The worst parts of every book.

Yeah, yeah. So I just went ahead and bought that shit, and it's coming in the mail. It's been coming in the mail probably for too long. Oh. I'm going to be frank. It's stuck in a holiday rush, I think. I see. A holiday rush.

But, yeah, I just decided that it seemed like it would be too much work to fake. I think that's good thinking. I did have fantasies about taking it to the cool sports lady from the Antiques Roadshow to authenticate it. Is there a cool sports lady? She's totally a cool sports lady. She's a total New cool sports lady she's like she's a total new yorkie new york lady there's two new york and new york people one is the jewelry guy he's he's like a total new yorkie guy and the other is the sports lady like you know she's like

loves the mets and the yankees or whatever and you know like mickey mantle or something she's a cool fun lady the other cool lady is the pop culture lady she's in la i've never watched she's kind of a flow from progressive oh love yeah she's cute flow's been doing it for a while now yeah she's paid she is in there why are we not flow well somebody should uh i mean we're not charging a charm deficit, I'm guessing. It's part of it. You know what upsets me? That the

Verizon guy is a Sprint guy now. That really bothers me. He really makes him seem sharky to me. I mean, you know, and he's just trying

to get paid himself. I get it. And I shouldn't. Yeah, his sitcom didn't get picked up. What's he supposed to do? I don't know,

but to me, like, that makes him look bad and Spr him look bad. Like a traitor. And Sprint look bad. A coward. And I have read Sprint.

The traitor getting, like, a used up. That's disgusting. Yeah. That's weird. Here's what I'm worried about. This came up for me on the drive in. I have nothing but great things to say about the talented actor John Hamm. He's great in John Hamm. He's

great in dramatic roles. He's a very large penis. And he's got that monster crank. He's got that Lincoln lug down there. He's got that zucchini in his trousers. And

of course he's quite funny in funny roles. He is. I don't need to explain that to the two of you. He does a great job, and he's easy on the eyes. He is. He's a handsome devil. Especially when he's got that Lincoln on the guy. Yeah, sure.

Hello. He keeps it in a velvet glove filled with Vaseline. I have nothing bad to say about Jon Hamm. I have nothing bad to say about Jon Hamm. And Jon Hamm has the job that if I could have any job in show business, I would want. Jon Hamm is the voice of Mercedes-Benz commercials. True. The reason I want this job is not because I love Mercedes-Benzes so much.

They're perfectly fine. It's a good car and everything but i it's not that it's just it's like the job where you get the most paid relative to the least amount of work and like personal like extension like they use famous people's voices for these things because it's not that not because people are going to be like, well, I guess Jon Hamm endorses. It's just because his voice is kind of familiar and it makes people feel comfortable. And so I was very briefly once thought I was going to be the voice of JetBlue, radio commercials for Jet Blue. And it was they told me how much money you make, which is like I don't remember. It was like one hundred thousand dollars a year for going in once every two weeks for an hour. Sounds wonderful.

And I was like, this is the greatest job anyone could ever have in the history of the world. Now. Part of that is John Hamm's a dignified man with a lot of dignity and he's a gifted actor, a real artist. And he doesn't have to put his face or his name out there in these Mercedes-Benz commercials, right? And Mercedes-Benz commercials are dignified in tone. There's no come on down to the chuckle hut. That's right.

There's nothing needy. There's no shucking and jiving. He just has to say, he just has to go on the TV. And describe sexy engine parts. And just say, with 12 bold cylinders, the Mercedes, the 2018 Mercedes-Benz CX-A is the most refined experience on the road. The end. That's all he has to pretend to be the ghost of Christmas cars past. And I felt so terrible for Jon Hamm because what happened must have been, I can only presume, they were giving him all these, they hired him because he's so dignified.

Because he has a beautiful voice. He's a great actor. They have a dignified brand. They were going with that for five years, let's say. At least five years Jon Hamm's been doing this. Five years, let's say. At least five years, Jon Hamm's been doing this. And one day, some guy at a fucking ad agency saw an episode of Kimmy Schmidt that had Jon Hamm in it.

Sure. They thought, we're not taking advantage of Jon Hamm's other side. He can do voices and everything. And now Jon Hamm's got to do goofy radio commercials. There is a, are the, I don't know if this is national or not. I think it's local. The, you're killing me, Larry. Do you guys know this?

Or your mattress is free. So these are mattress men who are on the radio and I think also on TV. I think I've seen these mattress men on TV. Is the mattress men a podcast? If not, don't take that. Don't take that. Don't write the Warriors reboot. Yeah. Don't take our mattress men on TV. Is the mattress men a podcast? If not, don't take that. Don't take that. Don't write the Warriors reboot. Yeah.

Don't take our mattress men podcast. Who would sponsor such a thing? Well, there's no way to find out. I'm going blue apron, probably blue apron. Let me at them cakes. Yeah. So the premise of these commercials has always been there's a guy, there's Larry, who wants to give everybody a deal. Right.

And then there's Larry's friend or companion. Accountant or somebody. Yes. Oh, yeah. There is a close relationship. They're very close. Maybe it's more than that. You think it's romantic? It could be.

It could be. You can sense it. There's a little. Illicit romance. Yeah. So Larry wants to give you a deal. This other guy, he's in it for the bucks. And, you know, and at the end, or maybe not the end of the commercial, but at some point in the commercial, he'll always go, you're killing me, Larry. A very distinct delivery, very effective, very memorable.

And they will, you know, like local commercial guys do, they will have, you know, holiday ones. They'll have Christmas ones. They'll have New Year's ones. And I remember this is maybe 10 years ago. They had a Halloween one where Larry is talking about the deal. And then you hear this, you know, kind of poof and a flame sound and a demonic voice go, Larry, I think you can do better than that. And the accountant goes, it's the devil, Larry. I love the reality of this where these two men have seen the devil.

They've seen the devil. They're simple mattress men, but they got to see Satan. He appeared before them. Me, I'm just a simple mattress man. Yeah. Anyway. It's the devil, Larry. And he knew who it was immediately.

He knew it was the devil. They should be sponsoring public execution. Sure. Why are they sponsoring Dynasty reruns? Am I right? Yeah. I presume you're watching Dynasty reruns. Can I back up to sports memorabilia real quick?

Yeah. Mike, what's the holy grail of wrestling memorabilia? You were a wrestling man from the hit podcast Tights and Fights. Probably one of Ric Flair's robes would probably be the pinnacle of nerd boy fandom. Oh my god, I'm

jizzing touching Ric Flair. What about one of Andre the Giant's little black briefs? He didn't, oh he did wear a little black briefs, but what I. Oh, he did wear little black briefs. But what I remember more is the one strap on. Oh, like the singlet. Yes, the singlet with the one strap and the boob hanging out of one. That's what I remember.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So, you know. Is there a. What did you. Now, hold on, Jordan. This is an important question. Okay.

What did you wear to rap professional, to wrestle professionally when you got into a rap battle with a regional wrestler and then flew to his town to wrestle against him? I'll break down my outfit for you. Yeah. Sleeveless t-shirt. Sure. Trying to look menacing. Right. Sure.

So you got to shop those guns. Yeah. So you want to look like a mechanic. Exactly. Did you check the hours on the show to make sure the gun show was open? Mm-hmm. Okay. Those hours were quite open.

And long basketball shorts because I didn't know what else to do down there. Right. And then I wore like some like. So you figured you'd go with a laundry day staple. Yeah. I wanted to make it look like I was in a pickup basketball game where I was sure a fight was going to break out. Oh, yeah. That was my style.

You were kind of going for a, I almost said a dead man don't wear plaid look. A white man can't jump look. Yes, absolutely. It would be great if you did a dead man don't wear plaid look. I don't even know what that means. That was a Steve Martin movie. Oh. Like a Steve Martin noir parody.

Sure. So you wore a basketball short. Did you wear a basketball sneaker? Yes. What was your opponent wearing? Shirtless. How did he look? Was he ready for shirtlessness?

He's good, yeah. He's shirtless most of the time right he does this for a living sure he's you know he's he's done a fair number of push-ups in his time he did a fair number that day i saw him like oh gosh um he's appropriately oiled um he is is it a fragrant oil not to my knowledge but i had trouble breathing at the time. Right. Sure. Don't know. As your face was pressed into his bosom? Yes.

Nestled. Bare chested, bare armed, and very ill-fitting like church trousers. Okay. Wow. Those sound itchy. Yeah. I mean, they were too big. Right.

They were almost baggy. Like work pants, maybe? I don't know. Like haggar slacks? Yeah, pleated down the sides. Yeah, that's a look. Yeah, and like some loafers. He was trying to do something. He was attempting, and a do-rag.

And a do-rag? And a do-rag. He's a white man. He's the whitest man. So he probably wasn't concerned about sleeping on his hair. No. Or. No, he was only concerned with cultural appropriation.

Got it. That was the reason we were fighting. Is that like his heel gimmick is the appropriator? He's a terrible rapper. Wow. Wow. Terrible rapper. I saw some of his raps. I saw one in a grocery store.

That's the one to see. You weren't in the grocery store. He was rapping in a video in a grocery store. No, it is in a world of we've had a lot generally bad raps In a world of... We've had a lot... Generally, bad raps have gotten a lot better... This is true.

...over time. He was doing a special kind of old-school, vintage, terrible rap. It didn't start with, my name is Wrestler and I'm here to say... It could have. It was implied. Yeah. It was implied. That. It was implied. That was the unspoken ethos.

I think that would have had a fun-loving flair that this lacked. There was nothing fun about this. That's why I had to fight him. Are you retired from professional wrestling? Undefeated and retired. Congratulations. Thank you. One for one.

Thank you. One for one. What kind of payout Do you think it would take To get you back in the ring Either $50,000 Or David Arquette

I'd wrestle David Arquette For free Really I knew someone Who was at that David Arquette thing And described I guess David Arquette

Recently He's following in my footsteps Yes Filled in Yes He's Right Yeah

He's a huge fan He's on in my footsteps. Yes. Filled in. Yes. He's right. Yeah. He he's a huge fan. He's on the Reddit. David Arquette filled in for someone at like a indie wrestling match. And they let they let the you know, I I don't know. The terms. Yeah. The terms. Yeah.

David Arquette had like fluorescent bulbs broken on him. He did a death match. And he had his face altered with a pizza cutter. Yeah. Right? Yeah. He did a – I wouldn't do that. But he did that because he's crazy.

Yeah. That's former WCW champion David Arquette. That's right. That's true. That's World Championship Wrestling. What's this? From here, clear around the globe? From here to China and back again.

When they say world, they mean world. There wasn't like Billy Corrigan, the WCW champion for a time? No, but Billy Corrigan owns the National Wrestling Alliance now. Okay. Does he wrestle himself? He does not. Okay. I think he's been involved in some angles, but he never actually did a match.

Gotcha. Wait. And National Wrestling Alliance, is that the thing that's in competition with the WWF? It was in the 70s. Now is it a loose collection of people not employed? What was the one that had evil? And also Billy Corrigan. Yes.

What was the one that had evil Hulk Hogan? And by evil Hulk Hogan, I mean other than the man Hulk Hogan who And by evil Hulk Hogan, I mean, other than the man Hulk Hogan, who is an evil man. Think about Hollywood Hogan, his heel character. That was WCW. He held the same belt that David Arquette held. Wow. It wasn't even

that far apart. Yeah. Do you think David Arquette's ever said the N-word? Oh, Lord. Hard to say. You're a real anti-Hulk Hogan activist. Yeah, stop watching WWE because they brought him back. I'm grateful to you and the crew over at Tights and Fights for speaking up against that genuine monster of a human being. How about it?

He won't even apologize right. Did he do a half-assed apology? His shit was every time he was asked about it, it was something along the lines of, well, where I grew up, people used language like that. Oh, well, okay. Come on, guys. He's a product of his environment. He's like, well, when I was a kid, they wouldn't have been allowed at the lunch counter.

I'm just, I'm still shocked. So, you know, he's got no regard for hurt feelings. But he's not undefeated. He's not undefeated. Guess who's undefeated? My friend, Open Mike Eagle. This guy, that's right. Yeah.

Undefeated and still champing. Open Mike Eagle, the David Arquette of rap. We'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go hey if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched, and your podcast host to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah, and what's your deal? I'm Emily. I'm Lisa.

Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots. We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping.

Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on MaximumFun.org. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. And I'm Judge John Hodgman. If you live on the west coast of North America, we're coming your way. That's right. Judge John Hodgman is taking justice to the west coast on tour. Starting where? Vancouver, British Columbia, January 15th. Then to Seattle, Washington on the 16th.

Portland, Oregon on the 17th. to Seattle, Washington on the 16th. Portland, Oregon on the 17th. San Francisco, California on the 18th. And Los Angeles, California, the City of Angels on January 22nd. Tickets are on sale now. You can find links to all of the shows at MaximumFun.org. And if you're going to be in one of those cities and you have a dispute, we can try on stage. Send it to us. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. I'm ready to judge you on the road.

Take that, Jack Kerouac, author of On the Road. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michael Eagle, amateur Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Michael Eagle, amateur elephant doctor. When something momentous happens to you, like you get in a feud on Twitter with a regional professional wrestler in the southeast. My ears are perking up. And then you fly there at your own expense to wrestle against him in a locally televised wrestling match? Sure, yes.

That's what we call a momentous occasion. And we ask you when something momentous happens to you to call us at 206-984-4FUN. Brian, before we play the first call, play the grocery store rap. Yo, price check on Wagner's down on aisle three. We got a buyer sale on haters. I'm talking O-M-E. See, my ego got you all swirled and confused. Sneaking in my house?

Must be nuts like some cashews. See, Mike, I want your clearance aisle ass face-to-face, one-on-one. So Shiloh Jones can eat you up like free samples, son. See, no games, no sneaking up behind me. Mike, you like some uncooked chicken. Cold. Slimy. I'm calling you out. This Wednesday, you versus me. The rap battle of the century. What the people want to see. Come on, Mike, show up. Get folded like a futon. There won't be anything to save. Video Dave can save his coupon. Come on, Mike. Get wrecked.

Game is out of stock, son. No need for a price check. Now I gotta go out and fight a stranger in the street. Yeah. I'm triggered now. Sneak up behind me. No games. You. Sneak up behind me. No games. You can't sneak up behind me.

You are cold and slimy. Yeah. He didn't even say and. When I hit something with a folding chair. Yeah. You got to do it. That's where I'm at. You wouldn't get,

you'd fly somewhere and fight somebody that did something like that. Depends where, but yeah. I mean, certainly if it was in gay Paris. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Depends where, but yeah. I mean, certainly if it was in Gay Parade. Sure, yeah.

Yeah. It's beautiful this time of year. Cafe culture. Sure, yeah. Well, clearly Louisville, Kentucky is second, right? And then Louisville, Kentucky, Gay Parade. There you go. And the moon. Did it make you want to move to Louisville, Kentucky? Actually, I had a great time.

Yeah, that's what I keep thinking. Other than when I was fighting, I had a great time. I feel like Louisville, Kentucky? Actually, I had a great time. Yeah, that's what I keep thinking. Other than when I was fighting, I had a great time. I feel like Louisville, Kentucky is like the last place left to move to. Yeah. Whereas people are like, Louisville, Kentucky is pretty nice, pretty cool there. It almost went bad, though. The first place we went when we had free time was to what was advertised as a karaoke place. But it had a sticky floor, so we had to leave.

Ooh. Goodness gracious. Yeah, I've been in some sticky karaoke's. I've been in some sticky karaoke's. It was my first time. Oh, okay. Well, you never forget. It's special. What happens in those?

Somebody just puts on Love to Love You by Donna Summer. And yes, everyone just expels whatever fluid they have. It's hot. It's hot. A little bit of that Castlevania film all over again. Yeah, sure. It's long so you can put it on while you go to the bathroom.

Let's take our first call. The 12-inch edit. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and Go. Or chris fairbanks um so i just got off of work 11 o'clock and i'd pull up to my apartment building and my neighbor's fucking balcony was on fire i literally fucking fly up the stairs i pound on the door this confused looking 65 year old missing half his teeth uh opens the door by a what and literally his duck was on fucking fire and i had to help him put it out and now we're waiting on the fire department yeah so at least it's out, and my apartment's fine. And, yeah. Thanks.

I have so many notes. Take that, old man. Do you think his teeth burned out? Is that how he lost his teeth? To the fire? On teeth. Okay. He said half his teeth.

Yeah. Top half, bottom half, right half, left half. What are we talking about? Yeah. What are we talking about? That's telling. I think he's got. Maybe it's selective where it's not.

I think maybe you're assuming he lost them all in one thing. Maybe he's just had a lifetime of gradual tooth loss. And we're at the halfway point now. Two thirds of his teeth from left to right. And then the other third was dreadlocks. Oh, fun. Wow. That takes some dedication.

And he said he literally flew up the stairs. Yeah, I think somebody needs to take a look at what literally means. What are you, a bird? I mean, what? Am I crazy? I just think that maybe he's got superpowers. He's not telling us. Oh.

He should have included this in the story. Do you think this is some kind of super boy? I think that he's trying to come out of the closet as a superhero in his call. Wow. No, I bet it is because I bet it is there is a psychological toll that keeping the secret identity takes. And I bet you're just you want to confess. You want to tell Mary Jane and Aunt May who you are and you can't do it because Electro will get them. And so you just call your favorite

podcast i don't mean to brag but i think we are the podcast that unmasked flat man yes i'll go you one further in his crack up i do believe he set this fire oh sure conveniently when i pull up at home there's this old man i've been dying to talk to some guy we can never seem to sync up and some guy just doesn't know his balcony's on fire really convenient mr flying man he was watching his programs. He was. In there watching my programs. How do you light a balcony on fire? How is it made of something flammable? Maybe you have a little grill out there. Oh, yeah.

Like hibachi? A little hibachi, sure. Yeah. I mean, that was where my mind went. It might be one of those ceramic smokers. Oh, yeah, like, sure. One of those green eggs. Yeah, sure. I'd say probably the small size big green egg.

You could still make ribs in there. Oh, yeah? Make brisket. Sounds like a great place to make some ribs. It was a George Foreman grill. Oh, wow. Just attached to a sparking extension cord. That's what happened. He was trying to make a newspaper panini. And he doused it with gasoline. Right. And threw a match on it. He was trying to make a newspaper panini. And he doused it

with gasoline and threw a match on it. I mean, you make fun, Jordan, you make fun of newspaper paninis. I do.

On every episode of this show, I really sock it to newspaper paninis. But the honest truth is that the newspaper tastes a lot better when that cheese is melted.

That's true. It does. Yeah. Kind of like, you know, it gives it an a piquant. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. You put the mayonnaise on before. Mm-hmm. And then it kind of soaks in there in a nice way. That's right. You do it out of order, you got gross British food. Crisps. Yeah.

You don't want that at all. You know, you put mayonnaise on the outside of a grilled cheese sandwich. Sure. Yeah. That's great. Seems difficult to hold. I heard that you can put, it is a little gross, but it does make it very crusty. It gives it a nice crispiness.

Okay. I learned that from my friend, Mariel Reyes, who used to work on a grilled cheese truck. She's like, oh yeah, put mayonnaise on it. Wow. She's like, you're putting butter on there? Amateur hour. Put mayo on there. But apparently you do this for steaks too.

Put mayonnaise on them? Yeah. I'm not so sure about this. Why? I'll try that. To crisp the outside. Crisp. Crispy steak.

To get a sear. With chicken frying them? Is that what we're doing? Essentially. Oh. Seems horrifying. What are we, chicken frying steaks? Sure.

What is this? A great menu item from a diner? Yeah. What is this, a great menu item from a diner? Yeah, what is this, something my mom made a lot? What is this, something everyone loves who's ever had it? Sorry, I don't like Waffle House. What can I say? Okay, well. You're not on board for a chicken fried steak?

I am not. Are you vegetarian? No, I just don't like them. Wow. Because to me, you should chicken fry chicken. It's against God. Yeah, you should steak cook steak. You think it's in defiance of the Lord's will. I think it's just bad.

It's against the natural order. Do you always vote natural law? I try to. To be fair, the steak that you're that you're chicken frying is not good steak. It's not the best steak. It's not the best steak. In fact, it's the worst steak. Sure, yeah.

That's why you're chicken frying. So maybe you just shouldn't eat that piece at all. Perhaps. If you need to do all this shit to it, why are you eating it in the first place? I'll take that argument. Use it to fatten up the next cow? Yeah.

Or just to fuck with them, you know? There you go. That's all you get. Sorry. You guys see the big cow that's not really the big cow? I have seen. Is that big cow not real? The Twitter big cow?

I guess it is technically a big cow, but it is from a breed of cow that is naturally huge, and they surrounded it with tiny cows. But that's impressive in its own way. Yeah, I assumed as much. Small cows? I mean, what I thought. I thought the cow was big. I'm with you, Mike.

Giant freak cow. The cow's big. I thought it was the Andre the Giant of Cows. Right. Guys, you know what I just found out? I didn't know about this until two days ago. You guys know about NBA legend Manute Bull. He was just surrounded by small cows.

He did kill a lion once. Manute Bull, the late Manute Bull, he passed a few years ago, has a son who apparently has a great jump shot in college basketball, playing college

basketball right now. His name is Bull Bull. I went from not being aware of Bull Bull. Now you're obsessed. To being the number one Bull Bull fan in America. I watched him shoot one like Steph Curry style five feet behind the three point line, three point shot. Is he giant? Oh, he's a full-size giant. He's seven foot...

He's not minute ball size. He's over seven feet. I want to say he's 7'2". Okay. Which is bigger than most. That's a large person. Bigger than most to his credit. Couldn't fit in here probably. Probably bump his noggin.

That's the last thing we want. We want to keep that noggin clean so you can get that NBA money. If you get a tall podcast guest in here, you can't let him sit. I would love to interview the Big Cow sometime if the Big Cow wanted to come in here. I think the elevator might be tough. That's true, yeah. I'd love to see

the Big Cow interview Bull Bull. I see. Sure. Bull Bull should just ride the Big Cow everywhere Bull Bull. I see. Sure. Bull Bull should just ride the Big Cow. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good

look. I don't think Bull Bull has ever killed a lion. That's sort of the downside of it.

And even if he did, did he make his own arrows? Right. That's the Bo Jackson shit.

Right there. We're talking about sports stars in 1989. Sure. And how they kill things. Brian, you were saying this is a-

Jordan, would you like to take this opportunity to bring up Jim Abbott briefly? That'd be great. Yeah. He could kill a man with one hand. Right here. Had to. Only way he could. Yeah.

Had to. Brian, you- It was a life or death situation. Sure. It was him or him. It was him or- Yeah. Brian, this was I thought it was a life or death situation. It was him or him. It was him or... Yeah. Brian, this was a two-part call, did you say? Yeah.

Maybe we'll get an answer to how one sets a balcony on fire and... Which teeth were missing? And, yes. And if we... No. Brian. And if maybe this guy is secretly the sentry. Yeah, okay.

Press play like my girl Madeline Brand. Okay, so I just called and I just had a fire on my neighbor's deck. So update, everything's out. The fire department came and scanned the wood with an infrared thing. Don't have it. Half the building just called me a hero and that made me

almost throw up in front of all of them and I don't like it. And now... Shit. How long am I going to go to sleep? Okay. Never mind.

Thank you guys. Love you. Bye. Love you too. Love you too. But not in that way. I'm undecided. Only as a friend. About whether you love him in that way. I'm undecided. Only as a friend.

About whether you love him in that way or as a friend? It's going to take some time. He sounds cute. I don't know. You know how you figure it out? On the other hand, we're married. Oh, I didn't know. You figure it out.

Go on vacation together. And you see how you are together in a close space. You're right. How you deal with downtime together. It's a real proving ground for a relationship. That's true. It's a long weekend to Santa Barbara. You and this guy.

I like it. And then, but I feel like something's going to end up on fire. That's true. Look, he said half the building called him a hero. The other half called him a villain because they know that's how it is when you're a superhero. Sure. Hero or menace. Right. Yeah. With that J. it is when you're a superhero. Sure. Hero or menace. Right.

Yeah, with that J. Jonah Jameson out there. Yeah. The other half called him a serial pyromaniac and pleaded with him to move. Do you think the- Greatest danger to Louisville, flat man. Yes. Flat. The man who can fly.

So we need it. Which half of the neighbors don't like you and which half of the teeth are gone? Yes. We have two big mysteries. Tell him next time an emergency happens, he needs to paint the picture clear. Thank you. Jordan, I don't think there has ever been a clearer instance of a need for fan art. Mm.

Mm. From listeners. Okay. Jordan, Jesse, go. Draw the old man whose balcony was on fire. Of the legendary superhero, Flatman, the man who could fly, saving a balcony from fire. Sure, yeah. And preserving the life of a half-toothless man.

Watercolors. Or a half-toothsome man. Which is to say, chewy. I would like to see his alter ego, Jonathan Flatman. Mild-mannered reporter. Yes, I'd like to see his ultra ego Jonathan Flatman mild mannered reporter I'd like to see that in the rendering do you think the guy with half the teeps name was Chewy would be great

his given name is Jesus sure yeah 2069844 for fun make the art and put it on twitter or something or email it to Brian jjgoatmaximumfun.org. We'll put it on the Facebook. We'll make a comic book of Flatman.

This is what I'm thinking. It's like in a comic book style. Right. Sure. Yeah. Superheroes. Super villain. Wham.

Pow. Zack. Chew. Tooth. Gum. Flame. Jail. It's half jail. Gum. Flame. Jail. It's half jail gum.

Yeah. 206-9844-FUN. Or hit us with a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. That works great too. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Michael Eagle, and I walked here. I'm going to call myself Bumpy Knuckles from now on. I think you should. I don't think the rapper Freddie Fox is using that anymore. I think I can slide in on that. If there's a chance he could hear it, I would say don't do it. I would definitely lose a fight against 60-year-old rapper Bumpy Knuckles. He would beat the hell from all three of us at once.

I don't need that. I don't need that. No, you don't. While DJ Premier cut in laughs. All right. Ha ha. I think I'll just be electro. Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah. Like the genre of music? I was going to say the Spider-Man villain I mentioned earlier. Yeah, if you're going to be electro in general, can I be the freaks come out at night specifically? Sure. Yeah. I would like to be Miami Bass. Can I tell you, I went to a Houdini concert once.

Not bragging. This is just the reality of my life. I saw Houdini in concert once. It bragging. This is just the reality of my life. I saw Houdini in concert once. It's okay. And Houdini, first of all, well, I mean, when I say they still wear the hats, I mean, when I saw them 20 years ago,

they still wear that. But 20 years ago was still 20 years past their prime. True. These are wide-brim leather hats, right? Yeah, these are wide-brim black leather, like, Zorro hats. They wear pretty much Zorro outfits, right? Yeah, these are wide brim black leather like Zorro hats. They wear pretty much Zorro outfits, which is an unusual choice for a rapper. Actually in the 80s. Not that unusual.

Not at all. It was only unusual in the sense they weren't dressed like cowboys. Melly Mel and the Furious Five used to dress like He-Man villains. Yeah, that's very. They had shoulder pads with spikes. They were like the Legion of Doom. It was the show that I saw them on was them, the Sugar Hill Gang, when all of them were still alive, I think, and Run DMC. Oh, wow.

And Run DMC headlined, obviously. Yeah. But when Houdini came on, and this was actually, now that I think about it, Jam Master Jay was still alive. So he was still in Run DMC. This was late in his life. But when Houdini came on, fucking women in the audience flipped the fuck out. That's awesome. The only reaction I've seen like that is like, I don't know, like I've been to some R&B concerts.

Like I've been to an Usher concert one time. But nothing like that at the Usher concert. Nothing on that level at the Usher concert. How big was this venue? This was like maybe a, this was in Berkeley. And I'm going to say it was a 500 seat venue. But it was like an outdoor kind of festival-y kind of situation. 500, I'm going to say.

Maybe 700. But it was a ton of fun. But you have never seen so many 40-year-old women rush the stage to touch the leather brim of the leather hat of the guys from Houdini as at that Houdini concert. Houdini guys, they got their fingers on the pulse of a certain subcultural group. They're young, hip, swinging cats. Yeah, well, you know what I like about freaks? They're really good lovers.

Mike, you've got a brand new record. What's it called? It's called What Happens When I Try to Relax. And people can purchase it where? They can buy it from Bandcamp, and they can buy it on iTunes. I think those are the only two places. Bandcamp's a great place to buy it. You can just go there and buy it.

No hassle. That's true. No hassle. And their cut is modest. It is. Very humble. Very fair cut. And so Mike will get a lot of the money.

That's true. So you should go to Bandcamp and buy open Mike Eagle's brand new record. I'd appreciate it. Because you're going to enjoy it. It's great. I love it. I've been listening to it often. It's terrific.

Thank you very, very much. He's a good man. He's a good rapper. I try to be both. Made his own rap album that you can purchase right there at Bandcamp. Yep, made it in my house. Right there. Go to internet.com.

Type Bandcamp. Well, hold on. First, drive to your local cyber cafe. We don't want to leave out any steps. Drive to your local cyber cafe. Purchase a boba. Do not cyber. No no don't cyber even if someone asks you where what your age sex and location is i'm gonna say language but to effectively cyber i guess you

would have to have a shared language yes yeah anyway are you talking about esl ASL? ESL ASL, yes. Yeah. That's pretty good. It's difficult. And if you are a fan of the Wrestle Gang, all those ladies and fellas from Brutus, the Barber Beefcake. Did you know he had his trunks made by the same people who did Steven Tyler's stuff for Aerosmith? No.

That's interesting. That's why he also had thigh meat coming out of the side of his pants. Which rappers had their suits made by Nudie? That's what I want to know. Famous rapper Hank Snow. Hank Snow. Hank Snow could be, that is both a good country music singer name and a not half bad rap name

I mean is that Snow's first name Hank? Henry Hank Snow Snow was country singer Hank Snow like Chris Gaines is the pop rock version. That explains the second single.

You know, it was just a step in the progression. Competent. Mike Eagle, you can find a podcast wise anytime on the tights and fights podcast alongside past guests, how Lublin and Daniel Radford, I'd encourage you to do that.

If you're a, if you're a fan of what I call the gorgeous art. It is. It's a great name for it. They should adopt that in the business. What I call theatrical punching. And you know what? If you're out there and you listen to Tights and Fights already, here's a little bonus for you. If you want to, you can call it tightsy-fightsy.

That's what I call it inside my head. Tightsy-fightsy. And this is where I learned that, folks. Pass things with tightsy-fightsy, I'll say, next time you walk past my desk, Mike. Brian Sonny DeFernandez is our producer. You can hashtag it on Twitter, hashtag JJGo if you have corrections for us. We do love to hear those on Twitter. Go ahead and send those to

atjdpower on Twitter. They're in charge of quality control for the program. You can find us on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com You can find Mike on Reddit at hiphopheads.reddit.com Hey, maybe they'll talk about

this episode and how much they like it. Jesse, start that thread. It used to be like people talking about Sage Francis. And now it's guys with face tattoos. I don't know what they're doing. I mean, Xanax is

my understanding. Lots of that. That's my understanding. I don't know what that does. I don't know what the Xanax does for you if you don't have the uh mental health conditions that would lead it to be legally prescribed i honestly don't know what it does what does it do make you tired it's anti-anxiety it chills you out you just get really chill yeah but if you do too much of it you die yeah you might want to be a little you might want to be anxious a little bit. Yeah. Hey kids, don't do a drug that's not prescribed for you. Oh wow. Sorry. Pretty bold.

But I know kids listen to this. Sincere. Thank you. I mean it. I mean it. Maybe you're stuffed up. No. Get a prescription for that. Even if it's over the counter. Consult your doctor. And learn what medications are right for you. You can get it over the counter usually but you have to go to the pharmacist.

Otherwise, you're getting the Sudafed that has the not that good active ingredient. Oh, okay. You want to get the one with the Pseudoephedrine, the namesake of Sudafed. This guy knows what he's talking about. Clearly. You can't turn that into meth. Oh. So that's why you have to get it from the pharmacist, but you don't need a prescription.

Well, anyway, we've had a lot of fun.. Well, anyway, we had a lot of fun. What a blast. We had a lot of fun on the program. Find us on Facebook. We're on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne, at Jordan underscore Morris. And, Mike, you are at? Mike underscore Eagle. Mike underscore Eagle.

Mike's fun to follow on Twitter, even when he's not beefing with a regional wrestling star. That's right. I say crazy shit and stand behind it. Yep. He's a lot of fun. He's a fun guy. You can tell. He's got digi camo sneakers.

We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse go Castlevania. Maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported.