Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 563: Sonic the Headhog with Chelsea Davison

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Chelsea Davison (Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, @Midnight) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how even though Jesse is something of a dairy queen he can't drink a glass of milk on its own, Chelsea's friend's unbelievable hobby of "mermaiding," everyone's first cartoon crush, and the beautiful Sonic poem that Jordan saw on a bulletin board at a sandwich shop.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Scene in Los Angeles traffic is the category for this week's program, Jordan. You were looking at your hand when you said that. And I'm wondering why. Do you have crib notes for this

impromptu Jeopardy we're playing? No, I was just kind of in a reverie. You know, and you kind of like I was just kind of gazing down. You're on drugs, aren't you? You're on drugs! Where did you learn this?

Okay. So the category is. Wait till your father gets home. He's going to make you go cut a switch. Scene in Los Angeles traffic. I was. This is not a quiz game. Okay.

This is. You were presenting it. An anecdote. Oh, okay. But I wanted to contextualize the anecdote. Actually, since I have control of the board, can I take potpourri? Yes. Bad news, that's also the same anecdote.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So I was getting off the 110 freeway here in Los Angeles. Great north-south freeway. Lovely. If you're headed up to Pasadena, that's the route I'd recommend. Stay off the 134. It's homely.

Yeah. 110 is the oldest freeway in Los Angeles. No, I didn't know that. That's true. I learned that at the Peterson Automotive Museum. Hey. They had a whole exhibit about the 110 freeway. It was not very impressive.

I was getting off the 110 freeway on a road called Figaro Boulevard, one of the oldest and most important arteries in the Los Angeles driving system. Sure. And I was kind of stuck in traffic just off the freeway. It's like street traffic, but very slow street traffic. And there was a guy on the other side of the road. And this is like a pretty wide road, you know, two big lanes of traffic and a big parking lane on each side. And there was a guy there.

There was a McDonald's to my right and to my left on the other side of the two sets of double yellow lines was a Mercedes. And I had a long time to stare at this man and resent him or at least stare at the vehicle. It was nighttime and resent him as I approached least stare at the vehicle, it was nighttime, and resent him as I approached it in this very slow traffic. And I'm like, what is this Mercedes doing crossing four yellow lines through presumably this super thick traffic to get into this McDonald's drive? Well, maybe he heard they were running low on Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse Happy Meal toys.

Maybe he heard they were running low on Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse Happy Meal toys. And he's got, you know, it's one of these things. He's got 40 cars behind him honking at him because he's holding up all the traffic. Yeah. And I'm like, what is this asshole in a Mercedes doing going to this McDonald's that's so important anyway? Yeah. I mean, everybody likes McDonald's. Sure. Especially now that McRib is back.

Of course. Not to mention the Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse Happy Meal toys. That's a good point. This week's show, by the way, brought to you by the Golden Arches. Yeah. By the way, if anybody out there finds a Spider-Gwen, please mail it to me. I'll pay for the postage. So I finally reach where he is, and I can see I'm in the left hand lane and he's in his left hand lane

I can see right into his car. And he's probably And you set your phasers to judge. You're like time to judge. He's sort of a crusty man maybe in his late 40s. Now when you say crusty What?

I mean he's got like a white face green tufts of hair? Oh, Craig Crusty, the clown. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. No, he's just he just is a little bit of a rough guy. He's a rougher guy than you think he's driving. He's lived.

Relatively recent black Mercedes. Right. The back of his car is and he's maybe like I said, maybe 50 ish. The back of his car is, and he's maybe, like I said, maybe 50-ish. The back of his car is full of stuff. I can't tell what kind of stuff, but it's just full of stuff. And he is drinking straight from a one-gallon plastic milk jug. Okay. He is just drinking milk.

Yes. Overseen. Drinking milk. That's what we want. From a gallon of milk. Yes. Over. Scene. Drinking milk. That's what we want. From a gallon of milk. Yeah. Maybe. What does that mean?

Maybe he's filming himself. There could be a dash cam or something. That's my original thought, was maybe he's doing the milk challenge. Oh, yeah. Where you can't chug a whole jug of milk because the lactic acid makes you throw it up. So you think he's pledging a fraternity? Yeah, or just trying to make a viral vid. Yeah, that's possible.

Maybe somebody challenged him to do it. McDonald's, maybe? Yeah, maybe. Pulling it to McDonald's, though. But, I mean, what goes better with a glass of milk than a hot apple pie? Yeah, that's a good point. He's bound in his milk. That's a good point, Jordan.

Or some McDonaldland cookies. You're really the humanist of the program. Sure. You see the sort of broad realm of possibility in man. I consider myself more of a transcendentalist. Okay. I have an overseen as well. Shall we involve our guest?

I would love to involve our guest. Our guest on the program is a writer of comedy humor, most recently working on the Jimmy Fallon Tonight program, past of numerous other programs, Chelsea Davison. Hi. Thanks for having me. Hi. Thank you for coming on the program, Chelsea. Yeah. Thanks.

Wow. How do you feel about milk? Milk. Ooh. Do you having me. Thank you for coming on the program, Chelsea. Yeah, thanks. Wow. How do you feel about milk? Milk? Do you like it? Do you drink it? I consider you... We've known each other for a while. I feel like there can be a lot of insulting things about you. You look like you drink a lot of milk. To be a real piece of shit. I consider you to be what I call

an internationalist. Right, sure. Sure. You seem a little Jew-y. Oh, boy. You get it. Like the classic dog whistle. Sure, exactly. Like those in the know know what I'm talking about.

Everybody else. Breitbart just all subscribed to this podcast. Oh, yeah. That's what we're after. But you do seem like a person who does drink a glass of milk from time to time. Is that true? You seem all-American. Yeah.

I mean I am from the heartland of Ohio. So you sort of grew up drinking cold buttermilk for breakfast. Oh, yeah. Straight from a wooden pail. Yeah. I milk it. My hand got very calloused and then I just chug, chug, chug. You milk the butter.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, you do it all on the farm. My farm knowledge is very limited. You do it all on the farm. Jordan, I dated a girl. She and I did it all on the farm. Oh, yeah? Like what?

Yeah, well, we fucked a goat. Oh, wow. Together? Yeah. So it was like a throuple. Yeah. Was the goat involved? It was like a cuckold thing.

Oh. Yeah. So she mainly fucked the goat and you watched. Yeah, but she made a lot of eye contact with me. Oh, okay. Well. Right. And she's like, oh, his beard is so much bigger than yours.

He can eat cans so much better than you can. And I'm like, but honey. And you were eating a can? I always wondered why your teeth were chipped and now I know. But yeah, from when we worked together, I knew that when the time to eat as an office would come, you would always get the simplest item. The blandest, yes. I'm a very picky eater and truly want not a lot of flavor. But the cool thing about me, I don't want anything too weird.

I'm like basically like what a six-year-old would eat. That's my ideal meal at any given day. How do you feel about dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets? Very. I love them. Truly, I love chicken nuggets. Jordan, are you trying- Shapes are fine.

Are you just trying to avoid plugging Dino Buddies directly? I am. Yes, exactly. I know we're sponsored by the Golden Arches today. And they have a competing nugget, which I might add is superior to Dino Buddies. buddies directly i am yes exactly i know we're sponsored by the golden arches today and they have a competing nugget which i might add is superior to dino buddies it's the denker of the nugs of the nugs all right time for our signature segment rank the nugs from dankest to stankest Denver? Yeah. I like milk, but I like milk in cereal.

But I would never just drink a glass of milk. My brothers growing up were like milk heads and would truly just like. They followed milk around from town to town. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They got real fucked up going to milk shows. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. No, they were they were super into milk and would just drink it as their beverage of choice and still do.

I mean, you know, they're like normal adults, so they also drink beer and stuff. But when I would have a glass of water, they'd go for a nice glass of milk. I consider myself to be something of a dairy queen. I consider myself to be something of a dairy queen. But I can't imagine, like my feeling about actually drinking a glass of milk, if you're not like eating some cookies or something, is that I couldn't bring myself to do it, but I find it to be an admirable human quality. When I see an adult, and again, I mean, you know, cookies, slice of pie, slice of cake, you want a little glass of milk. That's perfect. But if I see an adult like at a restaurant drinking a glass of milk, I consider them

sinister. I agree. I mean, it's just the fact that it – okay, I'm not a vegan. I eat a lot of meat. But, like, just the fact that it is from an – like, it's an animal's juice. I don't know. It's just like – Yeah.

It's just like – I don't know. I find that really disturbing. No, I don't like it. Yeah. I mean – I don't know. You say that because you've never had real fresh-squeezed cow juice. Yeah, that's true.

Well – If you've had the real thing, then you know that milk is not juice. So I, okay, this is, I studied abroad in Amsterdam and I don't know if you guys, I'm sure you guys have been. It is, they like don't do, they don't do milk the same way.

Everything is like unpasteurized and like weird. And so you'll drink milk and it's just like, it's like crunchy. It's like crunchy peanut butter, but it's milk. And it's just like it's it's like crunchy it's like crunchy peanut butter but it's milk and it's just like awful it's like thick and warm and just like that so that i assume that that is closer to the source and i gotta say the closer it gets to the

cow the worse it is i mean yeah you just gotta make it make it as chemically as possible i i think that first of all i think that uh university University of Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh, who is famous for eating nothing but steak and milk and recommending that to young people. Okay. That they eat a lot of steak and milk. And drink a lot of milk. I'm imagining someone dunking a steak into milk and then eating it. And I feel like I want to die.

That just feels like mean to a cow. That's just bullying. Oh, yeah. Sure. Making him watch like a dirty cuck he is. Making a lot of eye contact with a cow. I'm dunking your flesh in my juice. Dunking your flesh into your juice.

Yeah. Anyway. Again, juice is what you do when you put a cow through an expeller or a cold press. Right. Yeah, more nutrients that way. More of its natural nutrients come through. I think he's a real American hero for those things. And I think the greatest American hero is someone who drinks a glass of buttermilk for breakfast.

I have my. That's what it is to be American. I have joined. I I've had more contact with milk drinkers recently. And yes, I consider that a slur. I'm saying it has a slur. The Swedes. I have joined a fraternity recently.

And I don't mean like a college fraternity. I mean like a fraternal order of men. So I have joined what I am now calling the sad breakfast men or the lonely breakfast men. Here's how I interact with the lonely breakfast men. Jordan, the proud breakfast men. Well, let me finish. Yeah, the incel breakfast buddies. Yeah.

Eggs over easy, no fap. No fap side of bacon. That's better. So I, you know, I've joined this swim team that I won't shut up about. I don't have a lot else going on. It's great. Thank you. I'm just heading off people who are like, why is he talking about swimming so much?

Well, it's swimming or Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. Somebody posted on our Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com how much they liked hearing about the swim team. Sure. How much they liked hearing about your swim meet. Jordan competed in a swim meet. This is a real thing? This is a real thing, yes. Sorry, I need a context.

I'm very confused. I get together with other adults. Yeah. And we swim. I swim poorly compared to them. Is it by city? Like, who do you compete against? We do compete against other, mostly cities in California, but there's like Vegas comes

to swim. Maybe like Arizona. I think there was a Phoenix team at the last meet. Wow. Yeah. Were you previously in your life a swimmer? I swam a little bit in high school. Yeah.

And then like did it a little bit recreationally or, you know, for fitness in college. But yeah, it's something I've let fall by the wayside and I've picked it up again recently and it's been great. Jordan, what swims in Vegas travels to SoCal for meats. Yeah, I know. I've seen that on that big neon cowboy as I'm leaving town. Their famous slogan. Their famous slogan. So anyway.

So anyway. This person, hold on. Okay. So this person was talking about how much they love hearing about Jordan's meats and how admirable they find Jordan's... He was actually, when he says he likes hearing about my meats, he means my flesh. And my juices.

How admirable they find it that Jordan has taken up this career or this hobby as an adult. It could become a career. Yeah, sure. I could get sponsored. If you're out there, Red Bull. Sure, I can get sponsored. If you're out there, Red Bull.

And you know what thought I had as I was reading that? Yeah, me too. This shit is cool as fuck. Yeah, I think that's really... A friend of mine, well, my boyfriend's sister. Jimmy Fallon. It's Jimmy Fallon. Okay. My friend Jimmy.

Sorry, Jimmy Fallon. James. I guess you guys know him as Mr. Fallon. Okay. My friend Jimmy. Sorry. Jimmy Fallon. James. I guess you guys know him as Mr. Fallon. Right. Yeah. I know him through my friend Queen Latifah. I guess I'll call him Jimbo. Queen Latifah.

Oh, sure. But she just got really into swimming, but through mermaid stuff, which is when adults ... Through mermaid stuff I don't know there's probably a technique of mermaiding I don't know where you give your wife permission to fuck a goat

it's the reverse of cuckolding right you buy these like I don't know like suits it's like a swimsuit that like tamps like keeps your legs together and it has a giant like fin at the bottom and you swim with that and anyway she's she's lost like 40 pounds doing mermaiding mermaiding because she goes swimming every day always with the mermaid

tail maybe I would see more results if I was mermaiding I mean I'm just saying so I I thought that at first I have to say I mean I should open-minded, but I thought it was a little bit silly. She's, you know, a grown adult with a child and all of this stuff. Well, yeah, I think. The child is not involved. When you were thinking that that grown-up who dresses like a mermaid was a little silly, you were being kind of judgy. I was. I was.

dresses like a mermaid was a little silly, you were being kind of judgy. I was. I was. I mean, Chelsea, to be fair, her career isn't writing beer pong related jokes for, let's say, Tony Danza. Hang on. I got to get my notebook. This is really good. You just saved me many hours.

I think each of us in our own way fails to meet the standard of adulthood. Absolutely. But originally I thought it was kind of silly. And then she's been doing it so much and she's gotten really good at swimming and lost a lot of weight. So anyway, so I do think that like swimming. So your initial reaction was Jordan is probably mermaiding. Well, I hoped. No, I know.

I wish I was. Maybe I would bring it up and you'd go, funny you should mention that. Right. And then bring out a tail. And people do makeup to match their tail and all this stuff. Yeah. Do they do shows or is this just for them? I assume they have meats, the equivalent of mermaid meats.

I don't know. They must. I've had mermaid meat. Yeah. What about mermaid juice? How did your wife feel when she found your mermaid meat profile on mermaidmeat.com? Chelsea, so the only reason I was doing normal swimming is not mermaiding is because I just learned about mermaiding. Well, no, I figured you weren't doing that.

But I do think that getting into swimming is it's tough as an adult. And I think I mean, now I've seen the results. Sure. So, yeah, I mean, yeah. So no. So I said something that goes. So once in a while I try and swim in the morning early, early swim. And this is, you know, something starts between six or seven.

Early swim. And this is something that starts between 6 or 7. And after I do that, I like to treat myself to a nice diner breakfast. A lot of nice diners out there by the old Verdugo Aquatic Center. A lot of options. You got patties. You got corkies. You got lancers.

Need I go on? Wow. And this isn't a conflict with the McDonald's sponsorship. I think it is. Brian, cut out all the mentions of local diners, please. Especially Corky's. They know what they did. Who cares? No, they served great food at a reasonable price.

That's what Corky's did. Fever and Van Nuys. Lancer's is a weird name for a diner. How so? It just calls up gross feelings. Oh, you mean like a boil. Yeah. Now it does me too.

Okay. I had not thought about that. Sorry, you still have corkies. I always get nothing weird about that. So I will go into the diner, and it is full. into the diner and it is it is full whenever i'm in there at that hour it is full of men eating by themselves they they're all at booths uh they're either wearing a dusty baseball cap or a fishing hat and they're either reading a hard copy newspaper or a novel from the library and once in a while one of these dudes will just be drinking a fucking glass of milk.

And they will look up from their newspaper, sports section usually, and they'll make a little eye contact. And it is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. What age range? Boy. 65 to 65. You know, and it actually. Well, I am picturing older, but

obviously you're not old. Honestly, it runs the gamut. There are younger sad breakfast men. I mean, certainly there are older sad breakfast men, but I mean, I'm in the range. Are we talking about, are the young ones the milkmen? Oh, that's a good question.

I have not aged the milkmen. Do any of them get chocolate milk or strawberries? No, but maybe I'll suggest it. Maybe on the way out, I'm like, hey, man, next time, try the chocolate. Are any of the milkmen dead? No. Oh, man, I wish I knew more dead milkmen songs. Take the skinheads bowling, I guess.

Anyway. No, that's... Anyway. Who the fuck cares? Bitchin' Camaro? Bitchin' Camaro. There you go. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Yeah. Anyway, so I am wondering... I am... I'm worried about the milk drinkers, but I'm also worried about myself, how long till I am absorbed into this Borg collective. How long till I am absorbed into this Borg collective? And yeah, and I'll just be kind of, you know, wearing like vests from the military surplus store.

Of course. Jordan, you're talking about these things like they're bad, but I don't see it the same way you do. And just walking around muttering. I'm sad, but I don't see it the same way you do. And just walking around muttering. Just this morning, Jordan, just this morning, I took my family, including my dear old mom, to the Descanso Gardens, which is like a big public garden thing. Okay. But very big. A lot of flowers, your rose garden, your maze, your little train that you ride on top of, all these kinds of things.

And we sat down to lunch in the restaurant, and I was looking at this older man, trim older man. He's 60-ish. Trim, eh? Yeah, he's trim. Cool. This guy's looking trim. Is he hot? Keeping it tight.

Is he single? Is he into mermaiding? Let me put it this way. He moisturizes, okay? Ooh. Ooh. This older man is sitting at the table, and he's wearing a khaki-colored, like, bush hat.

Not George Bush hat, but the kind of hat an Australian man would wear into the bush. R.I.P. Not one of the, like, hard, like an adventurer, like a Jumanji? You're a pith helmet, you're thinking of. Oh, okay. No, no, like a soft adventurer's hat. So I don't mean to pith-splain to you.

Please, Jordan. Or hat-splain. Jordan, you've also been asked to keep it pithy, so. Hey! We're having fun. It's like a soft adventurer's hat with a flat top. You know, it's got like little mesh grommets in the side, little holes for, and it's got a string that goes around your neck with a little knot so it doesn't blow away.

And he's wearing a vest that I would describe as an adventurer's vest. And it's clear that he's purchased all of his clothing from an advertisement in Harper's. And I was just like, yeah, bring it on. Give me a cotton turtleneck sweater for winter and a safari jacket for summer and a tilly hat that floats and a poke boat. Yeah. Give me a poke boat. You know, I just don't trust articles of clothing with too many pockets. Really?

What do you need them for? What are you planning? Well, that's the thing. I think you're ready for anything. Why are the two in your pants? Life comes at you fast, bro. So, like, what could happen? What if somebody tossed you a bar of soap and said, buddy, hold on to this for me?

But not in your pants. Elsewhere. Jordan just reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a bar of soap. It happened. It happened to me. It reminds me of something I got when I was at the Tonight Show. I got, not in trouble, but it was a bad moment. I got a thank you note on that was, thank you, cargo shorts. You have so many pockets.

You can hold anything except a woman's phone number. And Jimmy read it and then was like, what? That's horrible. And was like, I wear cargo shorts. Other people wear cargo shorts. Women like cargo. And then cut it and was like that so i was like oh no he's like who wrote that and i was like who could say no one knows

certainly not a woman because just thinking about the cargo shorts would make them so horny they would be unable to type what other things do handsome people not know yeah i think when you're when you're handsome you don't have to keep an eye on those things. Yeah, you know, anyway, but so a lot of pockets. I think there are a lot of people who do just think like, oh, yeah, more pockets, more practical. I'm ready for an adventure. Yeah. Jordan, you're not having enough adventures.

That's your problem. Oh, yeah. You ever get out to like La Cunata from Flintridge? I wish, man. Man, I'm not making La Cunata Flintridge money. You know what? Just pack a... What's that kind of... I want to call it a mariachi. A scythe?

Why do you want to call a scythe a mariachi? The kind that you use in the jungle, though. A machete? A machete. Yes. Because they sound vaguely similar. Uh-huh. Okay. That's why.

Pack a machete and bushwhack it. It's cheap. Aiden. Out to La Cunada Flint Ridge. Oh, yeah. Right. Because the reason I'm not going out there is too much brush in my way between me and La Cunada Flint Ridge.

There's too much brush. Well, maybe you're concerned about banditos on the main road. No, I am. Yeah. So there you go. But? Just bushwhack it. Huh?

Get yourself a mariachi and bushwhack it. Mm-hmm. Okay. Find a waterway and swim. See? Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thank you.

You know what'll float? Your tilly hat. I guess I can't picture a Tilly hat. It's like a kind of hat that is advertised in magazines for overeducated dorkuses. That's the broad category. The Atlantic, Harper's, Lapham's Quarterly, The New Yorker, and so forth. Is it all on the literary side or would The Economist have that sort of thing, too? Absolutely. Oh, okay.

Absolutely, The Economist would have such a thing. Although, The Economist doesn't have the same kind of little advertisements that someone made with a pen. Okay. And it's for a fancy rehab, or a new type of small boat or a solo flex. Or like an insane number of dress shirts. Yeah, exactly. Like six dress shirts for $120.

I would say this is more your, I'm going to say away from the economist, move towards the nation and Mother Jones. Got it. Yeah. So it is a type of hat that is floppy and blocks all the sun and is indestructible. Okay. These are the hats that the lonely breakfast men wear. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

These are very popular. If it's not a dusty Yankees cap, it is one of these. So when you said fishing hat, you were- That's what I was thinking. I'm sorry. I confused a Tilly hat with a fishing hat. Although you can probably use it while fishing. You can wear a Tilly hat fishing.

There's no doubt about that. Jordan- Nobody's going to kick you out the creek. You gave us a new detail to the story that you had been holding out on as stingily before. Of course they're sinister if they're wearing Yankees hats. Oh, sure. Yeah. Come on.

Yeah. Sorry I was holding out. It's okay. I just like you more now. That's true. Playing a little hard to get. Ooh, he's got details about old men he's not sharing. And some younger men.

Chelsea, have you read the rules podcast edition? No. Yeah, it's about all the rules about trying to get your co-host to like you. That's right. You never return his first text. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but here's what you do. If I text Jesse, you know, want to record a podcast this week.

I don't hear anything. Maybe a day goes by, a day and a half. And then I get, sorry, just got this. Yeah. And then I know it's on. You got to read. He's just not that into your voice. Got to get Greg Barrett back on the show.

Podcast edition. Podcast edition. Podcast edition, yes. And by read, we mean listen to. Yeah. There's also a books on tape version. Yes. Well, it's very popular. Can I share with you guys this over scene we mean listen to. Yeah. There's also a books on tape version. Yes. Well, it's very popular.

Can I share with you guys this over scene that I had mentioned? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure. So this is- A segment that we're borrowing from our friends at Stop Podcasting Yourself. Yeah. Oh, here.

I parked on level E and I just took this to remind myself. Look at that. Level E, huh? You got it. I'm just going through my pics. I took a pic of this. I like that you have a filter on that picture of level E. Yeah.

You know, just it's what I call a parking thirst trap. Come find me on level E, daddy. It looks a little bit like something you would have taken, like a picture of your parking spot you would have taken when the two of you went to the boardwalk and like put on like bandoliers and cowboy hats. Right. Yeah. It's an old wanted poster.

Jordan, I thought you normally go for parking double D. What can I say? I like a curvier parking space. For my little tiny Prius. What does this mean? Anyway. I love my parking spot wife. Sure, yes.

I love, yeah. All parking spots are beautiful. Real parking spots have curves. Anyway. So this is on, so there's a deli I enjoy, and it has a community bulletin board. On this community bulletin board are community bulletin board type things. Yoga class at home. Yoga class at home.

Guitar lessons. Yes. Guitar lessons, little tabs, dude's numbers on it. You call him. He's coming over. He's giving you a guitar lesson. What's he going to teach you to play? Smoke on the water.

Yeah. So dog walkers, this kind of thing. Community small business persons. Sure, absolutely. Window cleaner. Yeah, the gig economy. I mean, I love it. It's everywhere.

It's everywhere. Speaking of the economist, maybe you should get rid of Fallon and sign up for the old econo-meast. Sure. Ads for floppy hats in this economist? Anyway. I noticed something on the community bulletin board. Yeah.

This is on a piece of tracing paper. Here's the title. Sonic the Hedgehog. And then there are four photos. There are four drawings under the title Sonic the H Headhog. And then there are four photos. There are four drawings under the title Sonic the Headhog. Oh, God. So there's a picture of Sonic's head.

Yeah. A really nice picture of Sonic making a fist. Okay. Like it was traced. It was on tracing paper. Is the Sonic's head picture photographic or hand-drawn? No, I don't think Sonic's ever been photographed, actually. Not like Bigfoot.

Just goes to show he's a witch. It's a nice detailed- And then there's like a photo of Sonic that looks wonky. As is- I'm sorry, drawing of Sonic that looks wonkyky like it was hand-drawn so there's okay there's a nice picture of sonic making a fist looks traced uh and then kind of a a derpy sonic that looks hand-drawn and then there's an anime character i don't recognize farting and i know he's farting because there's a gas cloud with a uh with a is a Japanese character coming out of his butt. Jordan, when you say it's an anime character, you don't recognize farting.

Do you think you might recognize him if he was up to something else? Yes, I think so. Right. Yeah, exactly. If he was summoning power or getting jacked into a giant robot suit that'll drive him insane, then I would recognize him. I just assumed pee-pee in the diety. What? If he was going pee-pee in the diety.

Oh, then I would, yes. Then I would, yeah, of course I would recognize him if he was going pee-pee in the diety. I'm like, ah, Neon Genesis Evangelion. Okay. That's the one going pee-pee in the diety. Sorry. Anyway, so, but in addition

to these four pictures, Sonic's head, nice traced Sonic, hand-drawn wonky Sonic, and anime character TBD farting. Are they like arranged in a square like a matrix? They're kind of like in, not exactly, they're kind of

like coming from the corners, but it's not exact. There is a poem as well. So they're Not exactly. They're kind of like coming from the corners, but it's not exact. Okay. There is a poem as well. So they're surrounding kind of this poem? A poem, yes. The text is kind of the central, the focal point. Jordan, is Sonic the head hog? Yes.

Is that H-E-A-D space H-O-G? Let me, hold on. Let me, Sonic. That's what I was assuming, which. H-E-A-D space H-O-G? Let me hold on. Let me Sonic. That's what I was assuming, which. H-E-A-D H-O-G. Sonic the Hedgehog. All one word or is there a space? There is no space.

Okay. And the Sonic is in the kind of the Sonic bubble letters, you know, the logo we all know. How many pornos do you think exist with that title? Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, boy. You'd think I'd know. I'm sorry to say that I don't. Yeah.

I mean, I'm only familiar with This Ain't Sonic and XXX Parody. I'm only familiar with This Ain't Sonics and XXX Parody. Oh, those two guys go to town on each other in the car. They're waiting for their drive-thru burgers. Yeah.

And their lime Dr. Peppers with that great crushed ice. Oh, that sounds nice. It's a very refreshing pornography. It's really refreshing. I've been thinking a lot about pebble ice lately, Jordan. Pebble ice is great, man. It's the best kind of ice. People keep sending me pictures of this home pebble ice machine

you can get. People keep sending you pictures of who keeps doing that? My buddies from the pebble ice porno community. Oh, sure. I mentioned my passion for pebble ice on Judge John Hodgman once.

Judge John Hodgman listeners. They're very excited to inform me that there's this machine. It costs like $500 or something. But you can put it on your kitchen counter and it makes pebble ice. I'm a plebe. What is pebble ice? Pebble ice is a kind of like a round, almost lightweight, crunchy ice that's very pleasant to crunch.

And they have it in some fast food restaurants, but not others. I feel like I've had that in a cocktail. Oh, you may very well have. Yeah. So then I think when, you know, some sort of like citrusy cocktail, maybe they'll serve a Paloma over a Pebble Ice. That's a great, great kind of ice for that cocktail. Yeah.

And I just want to let all those folks know, I really appreciate it, but you're just torturing me. My home simply will not accommodate. How big is this machine? I mean, it's like half a microwave. Okay. But, like, how much space do people have on your counters? Sure.

That I can put in an ice making. And you can't leave the ice in there. You have to, like, change it out every day. That seems like too much work. But I do want that fucking ice. Hey, man, I hear you, dude. That seems like too much work. But I do want that fucking ice. Hey, man, I hear you, dude. That's the best kind of ice. I'm right there with you.

But, I mean, I know kitchen space is limited. My family has been talking about moving to a slightly less good school neighborhood. Oh. To save a little money, maybe get a little bit of a bigger house. Sure. For all our children that sleep in one bedroom. for all our children that sleep in one bedroom. And my top priority is I want those little rooms that are attached to the kitchen, not a pantry.

They're like a mudroom where you might maybe put some laundry equipment, that kind of thing. Yeah. So I can put my fucking pebble ice machine. Oh, that'll be your little ice sanctuary. Yeah, your ice cave. Yeah. Where you sing, let it go, right?

Yeah. At a certain point. Where you sing, let it go, right? Yeah. At a certain point, I have told myself so many times my home could not accommodate it, that I have lost sight of the fact that I should not buy one because no ice machine for your house is worth $300 or whatever it costs. That, because I've pushed that away so many times, I can't even re-register that. To me, that's just the cost of doing business that anyone, if they had a home that would accommodate the pebble ice machine, would of course go ahead and pay so they could get that sweet pebble ice. So now the only thing that's standing in between me and owning this machine is that I don't have a place to put it in my small kitchen. So ultimately it'll be $300 plus the cost of a new house.

Yeah, exactly. Sure. That's exactly where I'm at. But the $300 doesn't even count. So $2,003? That's already been decided. Wait, so how does it hook up to, sorry, I'm asking more, I don't know, describing this pebble-wise.

You fill it with water and plug it in. That's why you have to change it regularly. Gotcha. Because otherwise the water could go bad and you've got to clean out the little pipes and stuff. That sounds like a real pain in the ass, but that ice is great. Cleaning out the pipes isn't that bad. You just jack it off once a week. Right, exactly.

No, I have only no-fap kitchen appliances. I will not be jacking off so they can stay focused for something. It's no nut blender November. Right, right, right. Is that – no, I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, I was going to ask if that's something you don't want to know. It's something that I'm not sure what. Hard to say.

So here's the poem that's featured on this piece of tracing paper. By the way, Rachel McElroy, eat your heart out. You think you've got poem appreciation on Wonderful? Yeah, we're bringing the heat here on Jordan Jesse. Yeah, this is going to kick the ass of all those other poems. Yeah, we ate your plums. This is... So, I'm going to recite the poem.

Please, the anticipation is killing me. Don't die. In my restless dreams, I see that town, Silent Hill. Ellipses. You promised to take me there again someday, but you never did. Ellipses. Now I'm alone there now in our special place, waiting for you. I asked the deli man.

Yeah. I'm like, hey. I'm like, I'm loving this Sonic the Hedgehog thing on the community bulletin board. Do you know who did it? And he's like, nope. It's been up here ever since I started working here. I have no. I don't know.

I know. Silent Hill is the name of a video game. I know that. A series of video games. But other than that, I am totally baffled by that poem and don't know where it comes from. Anyway. The Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog. Do you think... Okay. In my restless dreams I see that town, Silent Hill.

You promised to take me there again someday but you never did. Now I'm alone there now in our special place waiting for you. Do you think a head hog means he's hogging all the head? Okay. Go on. He's the king of the pigs. Yep.

Just a disgusting, sickening pig. Yep. pig yep or he is uh he's like he's got the top hog in all of i guess the sonic universe yeah so that includes i haven't seen this includes knuckles tails yeah dr robotnik sure um and i mean amy rose i've seen dr robot menik's- Mecha Sonic, of course. Crank a few times, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. So if Sonic really has the head hog. Yeah. Oh, boy.

So was Sonic the head hog, was that the title, or was that the author? Oh, no. I don't know if Sonic wrote this. Well, I don't know if that's a pen name. Yeah. Mayhear, let me pass this to you guys, and I'll let you know. Maybe this will explain some things. But yeah, I mean, I think that...

It's better than I imagined, Jordan. Yeah, it's really good. I don't... Do the people who work at the deli not think that they should be concerned? I mean, obviously, it's been up there a long time, so nothing's happened. When you said this was an anime character that's farting, you did not mention, does the fart say pfff or does it say pee? Oh, I don't know. I just thought because of how it was drawn, it was like a Japanese character.

Maybe a Japanese character. But I don't know. I have not inspected the fart as closely as I've inspected the poem. Yeah. Wow. It looks like it has the shirt. And maybe this will help us figure out what anime character it is. Or just which one of Neon Genesis Evangelion it is.

Evangelion? Evangelion, yeah. Evangelion is the local horror movie host who jacks into a giant robot. Which cancer-sick child from The Grave of the Fireflies this is. Right. flies this is right it has a round mouth like uh 1920s uh cartoon character like either betty boop or an offensive racist racial caricature it has a shirt that looks kind of like it's got a zip zip zip zip zip across the middle like charlie brown's. Although that might just be the line of demarcation between shirt and short.

It is wearing shorts and it appears to be wearing some kind of Chelsea boot. You keep saying it. Is it not a human? No. It has a sort of mouse's head, but with a Dracula-like eyebrows and hairstyle. Wouldn't you say? Oh, wow, yeah. I'm not sure if that...

No, because it has the eyebrows. So you know what? It's like an Eddie Munster-y looking thing. Yeah, it's like if Eddie Munster was part mouse. You know, you can tell a lot about a person by which part of this they get hung up on. It's also, the head is also both in profile and not in profile, like a Picasso.

I mean, I think the reason this concerns me. Yes. The fart is less Picasso-like. Right. The reason this concerns me, like, you know, too many pockets, like an adult drinking milk alone, is that I, and Chelsea, you'll back me up as someone who for a job. Maybe I won't. For a job went into the bowels of the internet.

Yes. Looking for internet junk to feature on television. Yes. Is that the far and away the the the character who's who the drawings of them disturb me the most are Sonic. So it would seem that people who have a lot of inner darkness gravitate towards Sonic. And this is why I think that this piece of tracing paper is some sort of warning. Now, what do you think this means for Eddie Mouster, the character? Yes.

We've seen on the bottom right of the page. Oh, I don't know. Yeah. Maybe he's being held captive by the three Sonics. Oh, wow. But you saw this. You don't. Because my initial thing is like, clearly, this is a message for someone else.

Oh. This is a missed connection. You think this is like a warning to the world. Yeah, maybe. Wow. That something's coming. I don't know what. Yeah.

The End? Dr. Robotnik? Metal Sonic? I'm looking at those characters, and my Japanese is very rusty, but it does seem like a warning. It says, and this is a direct translation, but it says, the freaks come out at night? Oh, sure. Yeah. Now, that doesn't have to be bad news.

These could be sexual freaks. Yeah, it could be a celebration. Well, what I like about freaks is that they're really good lovers. If I go back to the deli and this thing has been replaced by a similar one of Shrek, I am moving away. I am moving away. I think you have a duty to create a response. Oh, maybe. To draw some kind of your own cartoon character. To let this person.

Dealer's choice, Garfield, maybe? Sure, yeah. And write a poem in response. Does Sonic the Hedgehog have a girlfriend? Well, I mean. I mean, Jesus, obviously. Jesus, of course, because as we know from looking at certain fan art, he's very religious. There's Amy Rose, who is a pink girl hedgehog.

She's great in everything. Amy Rose, Amy Adams. You can always count on them to deliver. Even if the movie's not that good, you still like seeing them. They always turn out a good performance. Nicole Kidman, too. You know, good always turn out a good performance. Nicole Kidman, too. You know, good in everything. Amy Ryan.

Amy Ryan, sure. Jack Ryan. Meg Ryan. Meg Ryan, sure. The Meg. Yes, the Meg. She's great in everything. I'm sorry, but I consider the Meg to be a woman.

That's really brave of you. Thank you. Thank you. Just another great brave of you. Thank you. Thank you. Just another great movie about a strong single mother trying to eat Jason Statham. Aren't we all? Aren't we all? Story of my life. Mac.

What was I talking about? The last thing I remember you saying is give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt. Oh, yeah, that's true. I was just reading my mug. I like to read my own mug sometimes. You were asking me if Sonic had a girlfriend. So it's Amy Rose, who is a pink girl hedgehog who loves Sonic, but I think it's an unrequited love. Right.

I think Sonic is just too busy. Sonic is sort of like the Paul of Sonic. He moves too fast. Sure, yeah. The Sonic. Well, not fast enough. The Sonicverse. He's got enough rings.

Why don't you put a ring on it? Ack. Oh, boy. Is this the plot of the new Sonic movie they're making? It's a rom-com. Yeah, the one where he has weird jacked thighs. Oh, man. Have you seen those Sonic thighs?

Anyway. Jesse, have you seen the Sonic thighs? The poster? Is that in the internet? Yeah. Oh, man. Have you seen those Sonic thighs? Anyway. Jesse, have you seen the Sonic thighs? The poster? Is that in the internet? Yes. So it's the poster art that they put out for the Sonic movie they're making. And he has jacked thighs? Big old thighs.

Do you think there was just a meeting where somebody was like, look, I have a pretty strong pitch for him to have jacked thighs. It's because he runs fast it's realistic and everyone started applauding yeah i mean like carl lewis had jacked thighs too there's a controversial sonic game sonic 06 where uh he has a romance and kisses a human woman is that why it's controversial uh the game is very bad. It has a broken camera and a lot of kind of confusing open world elements.

But yes, but I think that is mainly kind of what it will be known for was a gross cut scene where Sonic kisses a very human looking woman. So people were disturbed because of the interspecies mixing in this video. Yeah, basically uptight Puritan types.

I haven't played a Sonic game since, let's say, Sonic and Knuckles. Hey, if you've got to stop, that's a great place to stop, baby. Some would argue it never got any better. My favorite part of Sonic and Knuckles was the crafting system. Sure. I love to make a potion from herbs that I gathered in the open world. So I don't see why people are complaining. Yeah.

Chelsea, did you ever play the Sonic games? I played the one on Sega Genesis, like, you know, back in the day. Golden era. Yes. But, you know, I never played that much. I just remember, okay, as an an adult I'm not a furry. I'm not one of those people on the internet that we saw so much of that has

sexual thoughts about cartoon characters. I'm not one of them. More power to you if you are. Sure. But as a kid. Same amount of power. Let's all share the sexual power equally. No matter what your kink is, you have equal power. But as a kid I remember having a crush on Tails.

Unless it's Nazi shit. Like the guy who ran F1 and he was into Nazi shit. Oh, sure. Well, yes, no. No power to him. No power to everyone else. Yes. No power to him.

No power to everyone else. Yes. Take his power and distribute it evenly amongst the rest of us, whether we be. Can I also clarify? It's probably a lot less popular, except maybe in Spain. But no Mussolini shit. Oh, sure. You know?

Yeah. Nobody who's into pole potting. next to anywhere next to italy is not cool yeah yeah wait so you were you had a crush on i had a crush on tails i had a crush on tails not sonic though not sonic and also but so uh that's that's kind of my main like memory of like oh i remember being like not like again it wasn't really like a sexual thing you know but i just were like i thought Tails was really cool. Like in the same way, like I had a crush. I didn't.

I mean, I also had a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but like really I had a crush on Simba. Oh, character Simba. Again, this is like a little kid. So I think I was just like, he's a boy in the animations. Cute. Right. But do you think it was no this is interesting because a lot of when you hear about people's first cartoon crush yeah it's usually knuckles usually knuckles or

shadow uh uh so when usually when you hear about people's first cartoon crush something that comes up a lot is the fox from robin hood oh yes yeah do you think there's just something about foxes that is kind of appealing to a young budding sense of oh that's interesting penises and giants well i think it's just it's like cute but then they do the attitude of like you know because they they get they make tails like a little like sassy. He's like a little rude. He's a rude dude.

Yeah. Well, I mean, that's the whole thing about the Sonic franchise is that it had a it had a kind of a rude to compared to other mascot based platformers. And that's the thing that I think is like a young girl. You just like you see these like cute characters and then they like have a boy voice and they like, I like to skateboard. You're like, do I love you? Like, you're cool and bad. I feel like 1994 also around the time that this was happening, that was pretty much the peak of rude toads in popular culture. Oh, absolutely.

1989 to 1994 was like, yeah, I mean, don't have a cow. You know what I mean? I mean, again, this is where. Hey, mom, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Classic. Classic. Sure.

Yeah. I mean, and that's. I don't know. It's, you know, second grade. That era where you're like too young to really get it. But yeah, that's that's interesting because, yeah, I mean, the other characters make more sense like Aladdin. But then it is always weird to be like, oh, yeah, but that's an animal.

I don't know. Yeah, the fox from both. There's two foxes, right? The boy fox and the girl fox. Yeah, Maid Marian. Maid Marian is also a fox. Yeah. They didn't want to start any weird interspecies shit.

Well, except for Little John the Bear dances with Maid Marian's friend and like they seem to have something that chicken. Oh, yeah. So they kind of have a bird and mammal. Yeah. That's even more forbidden. God, I'd love to fuck. Maybe on your birthday. Wouldn't we all? Maybe on your birthday.

But I also, I wonder if it was also a thing, because I know as a kid, it was very much, I mean, even in middle school of like wanting the like, I don't want the popular person. I want their friend who's overlooked. So I think I thought that Tales was like, you know, in the same way, like, I didn't like Justin Timberlake. I liked J.C. Chazet. Like a real girl. This is like the second episode in a row liked J.C. Chazé. Like a real girl. This is like the second episode in a row that J.C. Chazé has come up on, by the way. We're on a roll. He's hot right now. Yeah.

Never been hotter. I for sure thought that where you were headed when you said you'll always like the friend was that you were in love with the chicken. Yeah. Chicken looks great. I mean, I remember that chicken uh yeah she's a little chunk of the trunk oh yeah she's got some nugs she does got some nugs she i mean nugs strips bone-in wings boneless wings we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la at the British Podcast Awards in 2017 and 2018. Also, I'm on.

There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s. Specialist bovine arse vet. Both of his eyes are squid's eyes. Yogurt buffet. She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life. Farm-raised snow leopard. Download it today. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from MaximumFun.org.

Also, maybe start at episode one or weirdly episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show. Hey gang, this is Jesse and I am joined by Bikram, the managing director of Maximum Fun. Hi, everyone. So we have some really amazing news to close out 2018. After this spring's pledge drive, we gave members the chance to buy enamel pins with the full profits of those sales going to the National Immigration Law Center. This is a tough time to be an immigrant in the United States. Immigration Law Center. This is a tough time to be an immigrant in the United States. As individuals,

as a company, and as a community, we wanted to help provide resources for immigrants in the face of these attacks. We're proud to live in a nation of immigrants, and many of us here at Max Fund are immigrants or the children of immigrants ourselves. Together, we raised over $100,000. NILC will put that money to good use, providing legal representation to immigrants and their families who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it. We are so proud of our community for making such an immense difference in so many lives. And whether you bought pins or not, you can help the NILC advocate for immigrants right now. All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash NILC. That's MaximumFun.org slash NILC. Our thanks go to all of you who made this possible. Great work, everybody, and happy holidays from all of us at MaxFun. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Chelsea Davison, the person who has crushes on your friend.

Look out, friends. Look out, friends. If you've got a friend. You've got a friend. I've got a crush. I've got a friend in me. Those were the claps from friends. The friends class?

Yeah. Did I do enough? But also the patter of my heart. Oh, sure. You should see a doctor. It's entirely too fast for your heart to be beating. How many friends claps are there? I don't know if you did enough, but there's no way to do too many.

That's true. We all love friends now. Sure. Yes, we've all agreed. It was good. Better when the monkey left, some would say. Yeah. better when the monkey left some would say

yeah when something momentous happens to you like you get a sweet apartment with your pals in New York City yeah we ask

and an iconic haircut that the world can't stop getting but your monkey disappears because your monkey disappears ruining the show

give us a call 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. You can also now email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's our first such call. How's it going? I'm a graduate student calling from Bucks County, New Jersey, and I live in an old dormitory building. My next-door neighbor and I share a bathroom. He's from France. Very interesting guy, but I noticed that on many

mornings, there will be like a pile of change at the bottom of the shower, inside the shower itself, and today I finally asked, I said, Raphael, why is there always change at the bottom of the shower? And he told me that because he falls asleep in his clothes, the change falls out, sticks to his body. And then when he goes to the shower in the morning, it washes off and he doesn't realize. It just seems so hilarious to me. I don't know why. Maybe you guys think it's funny too. Gotta get that bathroom change. All right. I don't know why. Maybe you guys think it's funny too. Gotta get that bathroom change.

Alright, thanks guys. Bye. You know Raphael starts every day off with a cold glass of milk. Yeah, Raphael's a real milky boy. A milky change-covered boy. Here's my initial thought.

Raphael's full of shit. I think where his shit should be, there's coins. I think he is a low budget stripper for Bachelor and Bachelorette parties that

you know, where maybe they need to be a little thrifty. Yeah. And they're like, hey, we're not gonna shove dollar bills into your g-string, but we will stick coins to you. So I think he's just a thrifty stripper. Or a stripper who appeals to the thrifty. What do you think they're using to stick the coins to him? Just his natural glisten?

Yeah. Well, I mean, you work up a sweat doing those, you know, magic Mike moves. And he also might have some body glitter. Because I think if you tried to, my initial thought was maybe like a bit of Vaseline. But as he gets hotter, which he must do in his line of work. Sure. As he gets hotter, that's going to become less viscous. And it's simply going to slide down the outside of his body.

Well, probably most of it does, and then he collects it. But there's a couple. It's probably not a crazy amount of change. It's just the things, the survivors that stuff it. Sure, right, yeah. Can I suggest an alternative adhesive? Dry Bisquick. Oh.

Because that will hit the glisten. It'll gum up. It's not going anywhere. Yeah, that's I mean, and I mean, that could be part of your part of your stripping presentation is the the the sexy the sexy jiggler who smells like pancakes. Who wouldn't want that? I think that sounds great. And I'm going to say that probably the people who go to him the most, meter maids. You know they love coins.

Oh, yeah. And they're horny. So horny. And they love pancakes. I hear they're lovely. Sure. All named Rita. Yeah.

And horny. People forget that Beatles lyric. That's true. Horny Rita Metermade. I'm impressed by anyone who has a relationship with another person that would allow them to go to that person and say, after you shower, I find coins in the drain. Why is that? Sure. That's a level of intimacy I've never achieved with anyone.

I don't think when I was a nine-month-old breastfeeding, I had that level of intimacy with another human being. So with your family, your wife, you would not bring that up? I think I'd just get one of those electric banks. Yeah. It could go toward your pebble ice machine. Oh, yeah. If you raise enough shower change, you can finally get that ice maker.

Precisely. We're talking about the horny beetles. Yeah. It made me – because we're in the middle of the holiday shopping season right now. Yeah. I can't wait to see how this connects. Oh, it's going to. I was just – and I'm having a little bit of a hard time with my family this year shopping for them.

They're a delight and always a fun time. But you're having a hard time shopping for them. I'm having a hard time shopping for them. Because you keep thinking about the real reason for the season. That's true. Christ's love. And I'm like, what? Anything I would get them would just distract them from the fact that Christ died for our sins.

Yeah. And that wise men brought him scented products. Yeah. The other important thing to remember about Christmas. You got it. And gold, which did they spend it on a room at the hotel then? No Oh yeah you would think they could

Oh I think it was the more the issue was that there was no room Oh right so they had money Yeah I don't know why I just assumed they were poor But I mean they greased the palm of the innkeeper Yeah We'll toss out whoever else But they love the animals

I think they just fed the goat to the fed the gold to the sheep that makes sense sure it's for the joy of it um I was just like

and I'm just racking my brain like what do I get these fucking family members these motherfuckers your sisters your mothers ugh

your stepfathers yeah all these jerks. Yeah. Lovely jerks. Do you use your gift giving, extend it all into your mother's husband or your mother's husband's family? Mother's husband, yes. I always like to get Brad a little something.

That's nice. Because he's a great guy, always gets me a little something. He's a fun dude. I always get him some trombone accessories. Yeah, he does play the trombone. Although I don't know what a trombone's get him some trombone accessories. Yeah, he does play the trombone, although I don't know what a trombone needs apart from the trombone. I guess a sticker, maybe.

Some fun decals. Get him some ska albums. Show him what's possible. Oh, sure, yeah. I'm like, hey, I know you're used to playing this big band music, but... There's another option for you. Yeah, check out Less Than jake um i i'm just

thinking to myself god i fucking wish the people in my life were into the beatles because there's so much beatles stuff and every year there's new beat there's like it's all the albums in mono and i'll be like great i can just rebuy these beatles things for everybody why don't i have more beatles fans in my life that i can just get the waves of beatles shit there is for anyway it's so easy that is frustrating i feel like that is why so many people end up having like developing like a thing like someone's like i like pigs is just to like make it easy for people in their life you know to just be like oh let's just get her a fucking pillow with a pig on it. Do you have that?

Do you have the thing people get you every year just because they know? Herman's Hermits. It's Herman's Hermits. All the albums in mono. Unmastered. You can really tell. Milk.

No, I'm just kidding. Sure, yeah. The closest thing is Harry Potter potter okay slytherin stuff specifically oh i always ask for it every year and you know i can't it's never enough how much harry potter stuff would you say you have oh it well not that much general harry potter but specifically slytherin stuff i would say so you's... So you have two categories. General Harry Potter and Harry Potter colon Slytherin. General Harry Potter,

you know, I've got maybe two shirts, two wands. Sure. Wand for home, wand for the car. A stuffed animal bird. Yeah. You know, an owl.

Sure. And then Slytherin stuff, I would say, is maybe a sixth of my wardrobe. Okay. Of all my clothes. Could you dress for a week in different Slytherin clothes? 100%, yes. Okay. What's a Slytherin stuff, I would say, is maybe a sixth of my wardrobe. Okay. Of all my clothes. Could you dress for a week in different Slytherin clothes? 100%, yes.

Okay. What's a Slytherin? Slytherin is one of the houses in Harry Potter. You've never taken the sorting hat quiz? You really should. Ooh, what house do you think Jesse is? Oh, that's interesting. You know, because you talk so much about all those literary magazines,

Harper's and stuff definitely Ravenclaw my fingers were crossed for International House of Pancakes sure why do you think

so why do you think I guess I don't know enough about Harry Potter to know about the specific houses I know enough about you though to think that I'm pretty sure you find

this very infuriating no I like it I feel like when we work together I would bring Harry Potter stuff up and you're like, and would just slip under the desk. Oh no, I had a urinary tract infection.

It was an unrelated pain in my penis. No, I think Harry Potter, like a Harry Potter nerdery is fun. I think I have a new appreciation for it just because I got soups into the Harry Potter land at Universal Studios. And I felt a blast of Harry Potter

magic at that thing that I had not before. So I think if I had been resistant to Harry Potter stuff in the past, I now have a little reservoir in my heart that knows the magic of a boy wizard getting on the old nine and three fourths train going to Hogwarts to see Hagrid. I know some stuff.

Yeah, that's the book in a nutshell. Anyway, so no, I would be actually interested to hear what house you think Jesse would be in. Yeah, well, Ravenclaw. That's the intellectual, heady one. Oh, okay. Real headhawks over there. Real sonic headhawks. And you believe that despite my sort of raw sensuality?

You know, I'm going to say that despite that braidable mustache, it still is probably Ravenclaw. Yeah, no, I mean, that's the thing. I mean, according to the sorting hat, a lot of it is what you want to be. How you see yourself. How you see yourself. Yes, because it's not just what you are. It's what you choose to be. I actually just finished taking the quiz though which harry

powder but oh wow you were taking it while we were talking while you guys were talking i've got this old house oh okay i'm a vila sure the house of vila will you really take the quiz and post your results on the facebook page yeah sure okay can i make a pitch though which is that the harry potter facebook i know yes the harry potter facebook page technically the official Can I make a pitch, though, which is that the Harry Potter Facebook. I know the Harry Potter Facebook page. Technically, the official thing is Pottermore. That's the like sanctioned one. Right. Don't just take a BuzzFeed one.

Well, no, but I would say here's the problem. The official Pottermore one is very much just like, do you like the moon or the sun? You're like, oh, the moon. Like, cool. Right or left? You're like left. Like you're in this. And it's I don't think that's.

But that's the one J.K. Rowling herself wrote, Chelsea. I just find it. So you're going to trust some. I think that based on the way they presented in the book, they, she presents it in the book. I think the one that's on time.com is the best one. Time magazine. Yes. It's basically like a Myers-Briggs test and it gives you percentages of each house.

And that way there's also the little interpretation of like, let's say you have two of them that are very close. That could be your free will to say, you know what, I'm technically a few percentages lower in this one, but that's what I identify as. Who has the best which house are you quiz for Paris is burning? That's what I want to know. Ooh, yeah, yeah, definitely. Which classic drag queen are you?

I'm sure there is something like that. I'm willing to take the test, Jordan. Okay, you'll submit to the test? Yeah, I'm getting a little bit more in this thing. You have nothing to hide? I'm going to get out in front of it and embarrass myself ahead of time. I made you do it

when we were at it at midnight. I think I made the whole staff do it. Yeah, we definitely did. We did a group. Something that I thought was interesting was we took a group.

We all did it on the day it came out. And people, it was split down the middle. People were either Slytherin or Gryffindor. Yeah. And it was basically

you or one or the other. But that was the Pottermore one. The one you'd think is bunk. Well, just because most people I've talked to end up being one of those two things. Because it's like most people, like, who's going to choose if it's like, do you like red, blue, or yellow? No one's going to be like, yellow!

It's just not a good color. You know what I mean? Yellow's a bad color. They're like, do you want butterbeer or milk? Again, it's like, you have to be a psychopath to choose milk so i think it weights it in a way that is not weeding out the milk psycho yeah it's not yellow is so bad tell that to my lambo i take it back you are not in ravenclaw yeah 206-984-4FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org we'll be back

in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's Jordan, Jesse Gung. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chelsea Davison doesn't like milk. Don't like it at all? What about if you have warm chocolate chip cookies? No, in cereal. Just not on its own. Just not on its own. Warm chocolate chip cookies.

You know, here's the thing about me. I don't like my cookies warm. I think they're better cold. Okay, what if you have cold chocolate chip cookies? Then, yeah. Dip them in there. Yeah. I'm going to go to town on that milk. Glug, glug. Oh, yeah, dip them in there. I'm going to go to town on that milk.

Lug, lug. Oh, yeah. It's a running thing from the podcast for some reason. I don't remember why. It's usually about drinking urine, but now it's about drinking milk. What fun. You know, pretty soon it'll be about going around the corner for some fudge. Sure, yeah.

When does lemonade get introduced? Oh, that is the lemonade. It's about urine. Urinate is, I was going to say lemonade is just the body's urine, but then I ended up saying urinate. Anyway. Urinate is just the, when heaven gives you urinate, make lemons. Sure, right. And urinate, it's one of those gives you urinate, make lemons. Sure, right. And urinate, it's one of those drinks you can only get at Sonic.

The pebble ice, that great urinate. Thanks, TJ Jagadowski. Who's that? One of the Sonic guys. Oh. Wow. Okay, you're on a first, not a first name basis, you said his last name. You know the names of the guys in the Sonic commercial.

One of the Sonic guys is in a famous improv duo called TJ and Dave. What? Yeah, a very famous improv duo. No, I know. I've seen TJ and Dave. Oh, yeah. One of those guys is one of the Sonic guys. That's his whole job.

That's why he lives in Chicago and is a professional actor. He got the one professional acting job. Oh, I thought you meant he created the chain Sonic. No. And I was like, he founded a restaurant and now... He's one of the guys from the very long-running Sonic television commercials. I've never seen those. There's two guys fucking around in a car

and then somebody brings him a cheeseburger, more or less. I've never seen it. Well, one of these guys is TJ Jagodowski. Okay. From TJ and Dave, the famous improv duo. Dave Pasquazy, of course. You can find that guy on the television show Lodge 49. Doing a great job.

Now, which of these two Sonic guys are headhawks? I'd have to see the hogs to find out who comes out ahead. Yeah. Well, Chelsea, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you so much for having me. I know there's a lot of new Chelsea Davison fans out there. How should they follow up on their new fans? Probably diner flyers, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Send me your poems. Yeah. Follow me on Twitter at Chelsea underscore Davison, Davison, not Davidson. It's a real thorn in my side. I'm also Instagram, you know, whatever, but there it's mostly just pictures of my dog.

Who's really cute, but not funny. What kind of dog is it? Ooh, it's a, it's a, like a Chihuahua mix. What kind of like a, like a scruffy one? Yeah. Scruffy Chihuahua Spaniel. So it's got a lot of, uh,

apparently they're called feathers. Uh, the like hair that's under the ears that makes them look like an old man. Oh man, that's great. I'm taking out my phone right now. Take a look at these. Jordan,

can you do the credits? Yeah. Uh, Brian Fernandez, producer of the show, uh, maximum fun. Dot reddit.com.

You go there to discuss the show. Like us on Facebook I'm at Jordan underscore Morris Where do people Share their corrections Oh yes if you have any corrections About anything we've said Yeah he's a good'un

Thank you Look at this guy Oh that's a fun face Oh yeah look at him Anyway At JDPower Look at this guy. Oh, that's a fun face. Somebody's licking their chops. Let me see which one. Oh, yeah. Look at him. Anyway, at JDPower, at JDPower, if you have any corrections or complaints about anything that went on on today's episode. Yeah. It's where you go.

Hit us up on Facebook. You can like us there, MaximumFun.Reddit.com on Reddit. Can I make a point about at messaging J.D. Power? Yeah. Don't also tag us. Yeah, that's what it's there for, so you don't have to tag us. Yeah, the premise of this is that your corrections go to at J.D. Power and not us. Not J.D. Power in addition to us.

Okay, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. to us. Okay. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go.