Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 564: Candy Please with Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell

Episode Date: January 1, 2019

Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger (Doughboys, I Love You America, Love,) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the three distinct phases of the frozen yogurt craze that has swept America for the last two decades, the idea that really hard, poorly designed video games based on popular franchises hurt children's self esteem in the 80's and 90's, and the importance of context when discussing swimming prowess or showering with others. Plus, everyone brainstorms some ideas for 2019 slogans that will get us pumped up to take on the new year. Make sure to vote for your favorite!   And come see Bubble and JJGo and The Doughboys at SF Sketchfest!  

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, the one-eyed man. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now Jordan, you'd think that'd be a penis. Happy New Year! Oh, sorry, you were saying something? How about your penis?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just can't see out of one of my eyes right now. I was staring at Mitch. For old acquaintance me forgot. I don't get a lot of neurological symptoms other than pain for my migraine headaches. Right. But sometimes when I've had a few days with headaches in a row, I will get where one of my eyes is all white and blurry. I was kind of staring

at Mitch across the room from us, one of our guests on the program today. I realized that it was weird to basically be doing the camera one, camera two scene from Wayne's World with a person who does not know what's going on. I was just trying to figure out what was going on with my eyeball.

So I felt like I should get that out in the open. I'm just having a hard time seeing it with my right eye. Are you concerned that maybe he thought you were signaling him to follow you to an undisclosed location for a sex act? Well, the thing is, is that I, of course, was on SEAL Team 7. Oh. Sort of the one better than SEAL Team 7. Oh. Sort of the one better than SEAL Team 6. Sure.

And you would think they would go the other way, that SEAL Team 1 would be the most important one. And now you guys. It's the higher the number, the more important. You guys, like, cleaned out Bin Laden's room, right? Yeah, exactly. Gave all his stuff to Goodwill. And I forgot that Mitch doesn't have the same training that I have in nonverbal communication. Because obviously when you're on a raid, then you have to be able to blink your instructions to each other.

And Mitch didn't know what was going on, so I just wanted to keep him in the loop. That's nice of you. Should we introduce our guests on the program? I would love to. These two boys you know well. As past guests of Jordan, Jesse Goh, as actors and writers. And nothing else. Their sole credit.

As actors and writers, as natives of Quincy, Massachusetts, and Long Beach, California. Is that correct? Lakewood, but close enough for comfort. Okay. I cite Long Beach a lot. Yeah. Oh, boy. They're the co-hosts of the smash hit podcast nick i know i know what you

mean i'm from uh mission viejo but i say i'm from costa mesa right just because people are like where's mission viejo i'm like yeah it's about 20 minutes outside costa mesa have you ever thought about how easy it would be just to tell people you're from the glow-in-the-dark store at the irvine spectrum yeah everybody knows that it's a store that only sells things that glow in the dark. Right, yeah. I think that's probably a vape shop now. Oh, okay. I don't know. I have not confirmed that, but everything in my bones leads me to believe that that glow-in-the-dark store is now a vape store. Mike Mitchell and Nick Weider.

Hi. Sorry I talked over your intro. Do you think there's glow-in-the-dark vape clouds? Like, can you blow a fat cloud? Oh, man, that would be awesome. I guess you would have to have internal lighting to charge it up. Yeah, I mean like – It seems dangerous no matter what.

It feels like you shouldn't be inhaling that. Yeah, neon fumes into your lungs, probably an issue. Yeah, but that's the evolution of – what used to be vape stores? Because I see vape stores everywhere. Were those once – they weren't cell phone stores because cell phone stores still exist. Although I do remember there was like – there used to be like the janky cell – the independent cell phone store. It was like this corporate-owned one. There are many fewer janky independent.

There's fewer cellular one outlets. Right. Parrot Cellular. That was around just in the time of Breaking Bad. So that Breaking Bad like made sense that he he was just getting phones and breaking them constantly. Sure. Yeah, where do you get a burner these days? Yeah, I feel like 7-Eleven or something.

Oh, right. You're probably right. You can get a burner and a Slurpee for a deal. I feel like that's a burner-Slurpee combo. I want to say to you, I was very happy. I was happy to star, to be on camera in any way when I was in your camera one, camera two. It's been a slow year, so just to be in your eye cameras was nice, honestly. What are you seeing out of your bad eye?

So I was, when I was driving my son to school this morning, I was trying to figure out. Thank you for making the driving hands, by the way. That's just for us. Steering wheel, that kind of thing. It was trying to figure out- Thank you for making the driving hands, by the way. That's just for us. Steering wheel, that kind of thing. It was a speedboat, incidentally, but steered the same way. What I like is that

you're keeping the size of the steering wheel the same. A lot of people, it's like a bad space work move. The steering wheel size will fluctuate as people are gesticulating. I get so mad, Nick.

I'm glad you brought this up because I get so mad on podcasts when people pick up a telephone by extending their thumb and little finger. It's like that's not how you hold a telephone. Not a phone. I get mad at this stuff too, and I saw a guy do like a really tiny steering wheel, and then I was like, can I get a ride home? I got in his car. His steering wheel was as small as he was doing.

Whoa. It was very tiny. Just a notably small steering wheel. It was a very small steering wheel. Probably too small for safety. Very small, yeah. So, you know, like, you just got to think about those things before you judge. What's going on in their life?

When I was driving my son to school this morning, I had to make a tough decision, which is, is my vision better with one eye being kind of, like, very white and cloudy? Uh-huh, right. If I'm looking at you right now, Nick, through my right eye and I can't really see your features. Okay. You kind of look like a blown out photograph. Right. Or with

one eye closed and have clear vision. But I realized I tried it both ways. I did a little camera one, camera two action with three cameras or like 3D camera. Yeah, I guess so. You're talking about the third eye that rests in the middle of your forehead.

Oh, yeah. Got to know the ledge, Jordan. So I decided that it was safer for me to have weird semi-blurry vision in my right eye and still have depth perception. Right. Okay. I just went to the eye doctor, an ophthalmologist. Oh. perception. Right. Okay. I just went to the eye doctor, an ophthalmologist.

Oh. Nick and I actually got into a big fight when I went that day, and I couldn't text back. I couldn't see anything. The two of you guys got in a big fight? We did. It's been resolved. It's been resolved. We're friends again. For that moment, we weren't friends, though.

But my eyes were dilated. My pupils were dilated. I couldn't see anything. I am very lightly farsighted with astigmatism in both eyes, but not enough so that you need to get glasses, but you can get them, I found out. But I'm like you. If I look out of my left eye, I can't see that. I feel like I can't see that well. I appreciate you talking about it publicly. I feel like there's too much astigmatism stigma.

I appreciate you talking about it publicly. I feel like there's too much astigmatism stick left. You know what I bet vape stores were? Yogurt places. Oh, that's good. I bet they were yogurt because the yogurt trend has come and gone. Yes. When's the last time any of you guys had yogurt?

Can you let my children know that the yogurt trend has come and gone? Yeah. Because it's pretty much the center of their emotional world. Really? Where is their place of choice? We're going to a yogurt land. So that's what I was going to say is that the old school, like the behind-the-counter, the Penguins, the TCBY, that place has kind of gone by the wayside. But there is now a renaissance of the self-serve yogurt place. Well, here's –

And yogurt land, I think, is the big one. I think there's been three distinct phases. I don't mean to correct you you're obviously the expert you're one of the hosts of the smash hit food podcast the dough boy right we could it goes by food podcast on the streets purely informational yeah don't come to us for comedy because we will not deliver food podcast in the streets question mark in the sheets you guys are the professional joke writers. I think that there was the TCBY craze.

Yes. Low fat being the center of that. It was a healthy alternative to ice cream. That's like a late 1980s, early 1990s phenomenon. I remember that as a kid, yeah. And then the pink berry craze, the tart plain yogurt of roughly 10 or 12 years ago. Yes. That was tearing across Los Angeles and eventually, I imagine, across the nation.

And also as part of that was the fresh fruit as a topping was kind of the new thing. You turned me on to that because we reviewed pink berry and yogurt land. We've done every fucking chain there is. But I was like, oh, I'm going to go for a sweet treat, which, Jesse, I'm going to guess that your kids probably like to go with a chocolate flavor or something like that. Yeah, exactly. And I did just a plain yogurt with strawberry toppings, and I loved it. It was a game changer for me.

It's great. The tart. The tart. So the thing I think we're now looking at a third wave. The third wave is not built on innovation but retrenchment. So I think the second wave

was pink berry and everyone's like, this is novel. I'm going to wait in line for this. Everyone got sick of waiting in line. And then there was just people who were like, I don't know what kind of business to open. I guess we'll just open one of those things with the bins of the bins of mochis. You know what I mean? Yeah. A bin and a little spoon. And those people are basically selling TCBY yogurt primarily. Yes. But with bins. Right. And I think to your point, what we saw with

Pinkberry was it was kind of a streamlining of the concept because Pinkberry for a time only had two flavors. They eventually added a third. But, you know, it was far from the original TCBUI Penguins where you added three flavors. The original two, tart and cum, right? Yeah. I really feel like cum was the seminal flavor. Sure. Nice.

I get why the lines were around the corner. It makes sense. Yeah. If you paid them a little bit extra and waited until they closed, they'd let you put your face under the machine. Just pull the handle. Until the vice squad showed up. All right. Then you could add as much fruit as you want.

Oh, it's a night. What a night. Guys, we're having a lot of fun on the program. It's 2000. I'm not. No? No, I am having fun. We're always happy to see our friends Nick and Mitch.

We sure are. You know, it's 2019, Jordan. It is. Now, we should pull back the curtain a little bit. Yeah. This is meant to air in 2019. Right. But we're recording this in 2024.

We've created a time machine. Sure, yeah. We're here to air in 2019. But we're recording this in 2024. We've created a time machine. Sure, yeah. We're here to close our loop. So I just hope that, you know, we're assuming everything is going to go well and the podcast is going to come out in 2019. But maybe this is the year Y2K finally gets us. It's been a concern for a while. Maybe this is the year. I don't know.

I was in Jamaica for Y2K. How'd that go? With my family and my godparents' family. It was like a big family trip. We went there. And I remember the guy who hosted us at the house. And he kind of hung out with us. He was like, a lot of things are going to change at midnight at Y2K.

And I was like, really? And he was telling me how everything, like the banks were going to crash and everyone was, and then it happened and nothing happened, of course. And there was no change. And I felt bad. You weren't just like, how is this going to affect drinking from a coconut on a beach? I was 17, I believe, when I was, or 16 or 17. But yeah, I did, I expected something to happen.

I was nervous as a boy that something would happen. And then nothing happened at all. It was a very lackluster. There was nothing that. What a ripoff. It was a ripoff. It was. I almost wish something happened.

Was there anything that happened? There was an apocalyptic vision. There were like some people were prognosticating like planes falling out of the sky. Like just like computer systems around the world would malfunction and be inoperable. And then just, yeah, I don't think there was anything really of consequence. I would never say something like this, but I know Mitch has often accused you of being a robot where you're programmed with two or four date placeholders. Thankfully, I am a human man.

I am not a robot. So there's not a concern I have. I'm a regular man. I would never say anything like that. Right. Well, just refuting Mitch's ongoing theory that I'm some sort of automaton, I am a man born of woman. I came out of my mother's womb. Just like McDuff.

Just like McDuff. Your hero, McDuff. Yeah. I was not from my mother's womb, untimely ripped. Right. Sure, sure. You know what they say? Never say the word Macbeth in a podcasting studio.

Oh, boy. Yeah, it's called the Scottish podcast. If there was a time for the machines to take over, it was right then. You feel like that was their window? Yeah, I think that was it. All the Dell laptops of the world. Finally,

gateway 2000 rules. Dude, I'm getting killed by a Dell. We knew we were in the clear when it was like 1201, 1202 in the new millennium. You came out of your bunker. Yeah. Yeah. And we didn't hear. Yeah.

That would have been ominous. Yeah. That means shit's about to go down. You open the newspaper. You're like, President Compact Presario? Sure. Vice President Panasonic 3DO? Okay.

Well, at least you can rent the vice president at Blockbuster. I'll show him. The idea of machines. His fucking ass. Terminator or even, I should give Stephen King some credit here with a maximum overdrive. Yeah. Just the idea of machines taking over. Thank God you did that, by the way.

I think it's very important. Yeah. Right. Or else he would give you one of his famous roasts on Twitter. I could not handle a spooky Stephen King roast. No, I don't want him to clap back at me. That is such a smart thing because if you look back on it, it is such a silly thing to think of machines taking over in 2000. And then to think of it in the 80s, to think of, I guess, Robo Men have been around forever.

The idea of Robo Men have been around forever. Sure. I was all excited. I thought they were very forward thinking. I don't know forever. I feel like it was the 20th century when robo men kind of came about. I wonder what the first recorded instance of a robo man. I think there's like caveman walls that have robo men drawn on them, I'm sure, at some point.

Can I ask kind of a second tier question? Yes, please. Once we established what year we first discovered Robo-Man, at what year did Robo-Man first discover Robo-Woman? When did Robo-Sparks first fly? Sure. I think it's very presumptuous of you to think that Robo-Man wouldn't want to have a relationship with another Robo-Man.

That's a fair point. I didn't say that they wouldn't want to. No, you're right. You're right. Maybe I'm being close by. Maybe I'm the asshole in this situation. Real robots have curves, Jordan. That's true.

They sure do. Yeah. I feel like my Amazon Alexa, as much as I like it, gets about every fifth thing wrong. Yeah. That revolution ain't coming anytime soon. We'll be long dead. I agree with that. Yeah.

I think we'll be long dead. Nick and I specifically. Because of all the pink berry? Yeah, I don't know. But also, don't you worry that like, okay, yeah, this technology is imperfect. And that's maybe the reason that things are going to go haywire. That's like the whole thing behind Skynet. It happened too early.

You're going to say, Alexa, don't kill me. And it'll say, do kill you? And then it'll be too late. Yeah, sure. Every Alexa has one bullet in it. It's a single bullet meant for its master. I feel like right now...

Or itself, if... Right, if it comes to that. Yeah. Right now, I feel like my biggest problem with the ascent of artificial intelligence, the greatest challenge

that our approach towards the singularity causes me in my life is where I write bun, B-U-N, on my phone and it auto-corrects to like fun. Yeah. No, I was talking about a little bunny. Right. Yes. I write the word food a lot and it changes to good. It does.

I know. Food is a word. Like don't just keep the word. Don't try to assume context. I think the artificial intelligence should know whether we know what words are. Right. Like, some people probably don't, and they could change food to good. Yeah.

But we should be able to answer a question during the setup process. Do you know about words? Yes? No. You and I would choose yes. I can't speak for you guys. Oh, I'd choose no. You'd speak for yourself.

You'd choose no? Yeah. Mitch? I'm with Jordan. I like it 50-50. Yeah. So then you just tap it in there. I'm realizing now that I would also choose no.

Oh, okay. Just to be safe. I feel like... He I would also choose no. Just to be safe. I feel like it's got that one bullet. I feel like when I'm typing in, running a little late, it'll auto-correct to show me them nasty little feet.

It ruins all my relationships. I was trying to write my cat. Although, it has strengthened some. To your personal banker. To my surprise. Yeah. I was trying to write to cat. Although, it has strengthened some. To your personal banker. To my surprise, yeah. I was trying to write to Nick, my cat is good. And I kept putting my cat is food. And it didn't let me change it ever.

And so, as I told you, I had to put Wally in a pot and I boiled him up. I like the idea that maybe he wasn't checking on the health of the cat. You're just like, I should text Nick that my cat is good. I like the idea. Unless he thinks he's bad. I mean, that is the kind of text I would receive from Mitch out of the blue. Just an update on his cats. Their behavior.

They're good. Is that bad? Is that a bad thing? No, I don't think it's bad. No, you do have very good cats, too. I like the cats. They're good cats. I was just saying beforehand that Wally, my cat Wally, reminds me of Gizmo.

From the Gremlins. From the Gremlins films. Yes. He's very funny. I've been accused of having a dog that looks like Gizmo from the Gremlins films sometimes. Do you guys follow the Gremlins rules with your pets, just in case? What are the rules again? They can't eat electricity after dark or something?

All right, keep away from that Hulk Hogan. Got it, too. Unless he break the fourth again. They can't eat electricity after dark or something. Right. Keep away from that Hulk Hogan. Unless he break the fourth wall. They can't eat after midnight. And so because of that rule, I got scared. I just don't feed them at all. They can't get wet. Is the other thing. I haven't seen... I think I saw Gremlins

when I was five or eight. It's a great rewatch. But I haven't seen, I feel like people really love Gremlins 2 because it's crazy. Gremlins 2 is crazy. I've only seen the new batch as of this recording. I'm going to watch Gremlins for

a future episode of our podcast. But I've seen the new batch a number of times and I remember enjoying it because it's so silly and goofy. That is such a weird Nick Weiger thing. You've seen the new batch a number of times and I remember enjoying it because it's so silly and goofy. That is such a weird Nick Weiger thing. You've seen the new batch. You love it. You've seen it multiple times. You don't venture back to Gremlins 1.

I don't know if I'd say I love it, but I enjoyed it as a kid. I had the exact same thing until four years ago. I think I watched Gremlins 2 colon the new batch because for some reason I had Gremlins 2 the new batch the NES game and wanted

to watch the source material so I could understand the game better. Do you remember how that game was at all? It's like a top-down shooter game. You could throw tomatoes. God, it sounds like it sucks. No, it was really good!

It does sound shitty. If I play any old Nintendo or even some Super Nintendo games, they're so insanely hard and suck. I'm like, I can't believe I put so much time into this game that is so- That you couldn't save. You couldn't save. You could barely even see what was happening. Yes.

And it's an issue, too, with you don't realize as a kid that something is bad or something i'm sorry that something is hard because it's bad because it's poorly designed that like the difficulty doesn't come from like oh this isn't like a this isn't like a what's a modern game that's that's got a a an intense difficulty level that's like well crafted and well designed bloodborne like blood like a bloodborne it's not like something like that. Or Darker Side of the Moon. Or Darker Side of the Moon from Super Mario, the latest Super Mario Odyssey. What's that?

I haven't gotten to that yet. It's the latest game content. Oh, man. Oh, okay. It's great. It's very hard. You've got to keep collecting moons, and then eventually there will be a whole other moon level

on top of the moon. Sorry for spoilers. No, that's's okay I'm curious that sounded really cool there's a lot of game in that game I've only I've I've I've got a I've only had my switch for about 10 days wow to maybe two weeks at this point of your whole life is in front of you I'm loving if you

100% Mario Odyssey I'll be very proud of you Nick couldn't do it he's a failure I could have I just was like all right I don't want to put I don't want to invest the time into beating this level and it's gonna be a full day of my life to beat this last level I got everything I'm totally gonna do it Nick I'm gonna show you right, I don't want to invest the time into beating this level. I know it's going to be a full day of my life to beat this last level. Oh, shut up. I got everything except Dark Desert. I'm totally going to do it, Nick. I'm going to show you who has less going on.

Hey! But so like the example I think of is that playing at my friend's house, the Back to the Future game, which there's a level where you just have to like, I don't even know what the connection to the property is anymore because there's a level where you just have to to catch milkshakes that your girlfriend is throwing. And it's insanely hard because she throws these milkshakes in a wild rainbow trajectory that keeps fluctuating like a sine wave. And you have to keep moving your character and the controls are very bad. It's like an impossible to beat level, but I just remember being like, oh, this is hard. Not like this is bad game design.

I never wished I could jump into a video game more in my life than this moment. Man, you have a girlfriend and she's throwing shakes? That's the dream. Yeah, I mean, I think, I mean, I guess that even maybe gave us maybe gave us like bad opinions of ourselves. It wasn't like this game is broken. It's like I'm not good enough. Right. I'm not good.

If I just played the Battletoads speeder level more, I could beat it. The geniuses who created and programmed this level. And so many of those – The geniuses behind Rash, Zitz, and Pimple, the Battletoads. And also so many of those really bad games or cheap cash-ins of existing properties that you were a fan of as a kid. So, like, I remember there's a lot of difficulty in the NES version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a famously very difficult game. And then also Bart vs. the Space Mutants was hard to even figure out how to play.

I love The Simpsons and Ninja Turtles so much, and I couldn't beat these games. I'd get so mad at myself. To this day. To this day for me and the Noid game. He was hard to avoid. Were you the Noid, or were you avoiding the Noid in the Noid game? That's a good question. What about in the 7-Up Spot game?

You were Cool Spot, and it was pretty good. That game was good. Yeah. In the Noid game, I believe you were the man, Harold Noid, who went crazy from people thinking that the noid was made about him just you receiving mistaken phone calls yeah i don't know if his name was what was his name it was something like that it is an insanely sad story i shouldn't even joke about it it's a sad story where he yeah i think he took over like he he uh there's a hostage situation at a domino's location

because he was convinced that they were talking to the Noid, they were talking to him through the TV because he had the same last name as the Noid and they were saying to avoid him and it ended in his death. It was really great. I thought that he killed himself later. It was either he killed himself in the shootout or killed himself later or the police killed him. I don't remember the exact details, but he died. A similar thing happened to my

Uncle Gremlin Newbatch. Gremlin, your Uncle Gremlin's gone circumstances that's it was long enough ago that we can laugh about it and feel okay right you know what shouldn't have fed him after midnight okay we'll be back with more jordan jesse go in just a second. Hey everybody, this is J. Keith Van Straten, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here on the Maximum Fun Network.

On Go Fact Yourself, we take the smartest people we know and make them look dumb. Paul, by the way, how much do you know about chicken husbandry? You gotta give him that grain.

All right. You gotta give him that grain. And then smart again. What future Hall of Fame pitcher for the Cleveland Indians became the first active player to enlist? Bob Feller. Oh, okay. We've got me, co-host Helen Hong,

plus celebrity guests and actual surprise experts. All right, we have an expert on hand who can tell us for sure. Is it Alan Haley? Helen, who do we have tonight? Alan Haley! Alan Haley! In the coming weeks, you can hear guests like Maria Bamford, Tom Bergeron, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and Grant Imahara.

Check us out on the first and third Friday of every month here on the Maximum Fun Network. Maximum Fun Network. It's Jordan, Jesse Doe. I am Jesse Thorne, the original one-eyed Jack. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Mike Mitchell, the pizza guy. Hey, now. Ding dong.

Pizza's here. Oh, Mitch, I don't have enough money to pay for it. Pizza's here. Oh, Mitch, I don't have enough money to pay for it. That's okay. And then I just leave. Oh, thanks, man. What a cool guy. Oh, fired again. What a cool guy. Jesus, I can't follow that.

I can't. That's like watching Richard Pryor go on stage. Sure. And now Nick Weigert. I got to go up there? Oh, boy. I'll try. That's like watching Richard Pryor go on stage. Sure. And now Nick Weigel. I got to go up there? Oh, boy. I'll try. Okay.

Nick Weigel, the hedgehog. Yeah. All right. Oh, yes. Yours was much more Pryor-like. Oh, man, Nick. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this hedgehog. Now, gentlemen, it's 2019.

Now, gentlemen, it's 2019, and we have a very special discussion every year on the program. We consider ourselves— It's about which licensed NES games were the hardest. Okay. Feels like we covered that. Yeah. So secondarily— Okay. You guys are going to your plan B now.

Yeah, well, we kind of burned through our plan material. You know, we see ourselves partly as humorists. Yep. You know, in the manner of a Scott Ackerman or a Jimmy Pardo. Sure. I was going to say Mark Twain. Yeah. Well, I think Scott and Jimmy are the Twains of our time.

Sure. A couple of Twains. And often the Twain shall meet. Right. On one or the other of their programs. When they guest on each other's podcasts. Yeah. Real life friends.

Or they see each other at a social event. Yeah. Sure. But we see ourselves. That's part of what we do. That's a small part of what we do. But more than that, we see ourselves as inspirational figures, sort of like Joel Osteen. Oh.

Or Oprah Winfrey. Yeah. Deepak Chopra, President Barack Obama, Susan B. Anthony. And the rest. Yeah. At all. Yeah.

And so every year we like to kind of give our audience something to focus on as a kind of theme for the year, something to repeat to themselves like a mantra when they're in difficult times, a sort of slogan that defines what 2019 will be for them. Now, before we get into conversation about this, my understanding from our producer, Brian, is that we have a telephone call relating to this somewhat tangentially that he would like to play. So if this part of the show is bad, it's Brian's fault. Go ahead and press play.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. I'm going to say Mike Pence, probably. We're calling with my two-year-old son's new catchphrase. Similar politics. What about noodles? I know this is Gondor. Yep, that's right. His catchphrase is great noodles of Gondor.

Also, we got a big fuzzy dog named Sweet Dave. We'll send you a picture of him. Tell him about it. What do chipmunks have? Great noodles of Gondor. What do chipmunks have? Great noodles of Gondor. Well, what do chipmunks have? These nuts. Love you guys. See ya.

What the fuck? There's a gas leak at that house. Crazy circus family. Oh, man. What fun. Great noodles of Gondor. Great noodles. I mean, shit, man.

Should we just call it that and shut it down? Sounds like a little baby Will Ferrell with that line. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. That would be something Will Ferrell would riff on the, like, fifth take. Right. Is that more, is that an inspirational slogan or more of an exclamation? Yeah, that's like, you know, a great Caesar's ghost type.

Great noodles of Gondor. Yeah, that's Anchorman, like, five or so. Yeah. I think you're right. What, what is, is Gondor from something? It's from Lord of the Rings. Oh, okay. Gondor?

Mm-hmm. What happens in Gondor? Oh, man. I'm going to get in trouble if I don't remember it, which I don't. If you've got corrections for Mitch, remember to send them to atjdpower on Twitter. I think there's like a – isn't there like a bell or something in Gondor? Where are they going? Where is Gondor?

They ring some bell in Gondor or something like that? I know that there's something big happens in Gondor. Are you thinking of Condor Man, the 1970s Disney superhero film I often thought about renting from Blockbuster as a child but never did? Probably. That's probably it. Yeah, that's probably what that baby is thinking as well. Sorry, you're not a baby. You're a big kid.

Babies love Blockbuster. That's right. They sure do. I mean, they got videos. They got VCRs for rent. Yeah. You get a Genesis. You can get some snow caps.

No porno, though. Yeah, no porno. Is Gondor- Gondor is the final fight spot, I believe. Is it? If I'm getting this... If the Lord of the Rings-opedia is right. Because there's the big...

Helm's Deep is the castle set piece in Two Towers. That's the one I remember with the Cursed King. Gondor is... Is that where they get in part three? Do you know what I'm thinking of? And I didn't even look it up. There's a horn of Gondor. Oh, okay.

Someone like... And then they light all the signal fires and that tells all the armies to come and converge on one spot. I'm roughly remembering this plot point now. I'm probably still getting some details. I think this is where, I think this is where the last battle is, where the guy gets cut. The ruler of Gondor lights on fire and he jumps off.

Oh yeah. There and the green ghosts come and help him out. There's little guys called hobbits. There's, and then there's little guys called hobbits. There are little ones called hobbits that are helping out on the journey. Just mention it because I know a lot about this, too. We all do. We all do. We all know a lot about this.

Yeah. Anyway. Lord of the Rings, I think, is – I do think it is like a Star Wars. I think it's – I love the – It's very good. Those movies are great. I do think it is like a Star Wars. I love the movie. It's very good.

By the way, aneurysm deaths up 20% among nerdy comedy podcast listeners this week. Yeah. Having to hear us describe the Lord of the Rings plot, fumble through it, to talk about the green ghost. The green ghost is a fascinating part of it. I know what you're talking about. This is an Academy Award winning movie. I'm sure they have some name that's not. We're not saying it's bad.

I'm sure they have some canonical name that's not Green Ghost. I'm sure that's not what they call them. Green Ghost is a bad guy from Scooby-Doo. They're probably the ghosts of Malheur or something. Something boring. Right. They should have just said Green Ghost. Green Ghost is easier.

And had them sing the song from the Haunted Mansion. They should have just said Green Ghosts and had them sing the song from The Haunted Mansion. Okay, so what are some past slogans we've had? Maybe we can throw that out there just to kind of use it as a roadmap. Hard as a rock, wet as a river. That was our slogan for 2018. That rules. And that really expressed that we were sort of always ready for action.

Right. But also tough. In a non-sexual way, though. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't infer anything sexual from that. Some people, some pervos out there were interpreting it as sexual. Wait, hard as a rock, wet as a river? I know. Some sick fuck thought that had something to do with sex?

Just some pervozoids with dirty minds. Calm down. I don't even know what the connection is. I don't know. Some people just love to jack off, I guess. And flick the bean. Yeah. Oh, God.

Anyway. That sentence. It's great. So, yeah, hard as a walk. Jordan, hold on. I'm getting a package. It's a certificate for best sentence? Oh, wow.

Oh, this is actually a jail sentence. I have to go to jail now. The only flicking of a bean I want is if you're at a Mexican food restaurant and one falls onto the table. Right. And you want to play tabletop football. You want to play tabletop football or you flick it off the table. Okay. That's the only bean flicking that should be going on. You hear me, Nick? I don't know if I'm going to be on your side. Wait, are you bragging on a podcast

about how you hate to stimulate the clitoris? I'm saying the only bean flicking should be if a bean falls onto the table. You flick it off. Anyway. No vulgarity. Please. Let's see. Punch a blimp was one. That was a good one. The original was Ad Astra. I think the original was

Go Ape. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Go Ape. It wasn't Go and Ape. It was something ape related. At J. I wasn't going ape. It was something ape related. At J.D. Power. At J.D. Power.

So yeah, you guys kind of get the type of thing we're looking for. Anyway, we know you guys are really creative guys. You really made a name for yourself in the world of podcasting and food eating. Maybe this isn't a good jumping off point. Yeah. Just maybe kind of talking about some of our goals for the new year or how the new year will relate to 2018. Are you guys New Year's resolutions, guys? I mean, not really. I did have a weight loss resolution that stuck, and that was years ago.

weight loss resolution that stuck and that was that was years ago and uh so that was that's the one success i've had but generally i'm not like a guy where i'm gonna have a bunch of of of things that are priorities that i'll just sort of set in stone or just sort of the goals that i'll set for myself at the start of the year do you have any soft priorities ah boy that's a good question um i you know i guess i could say this i am i am eager to – I've been trying to consciously eat less meat. I feel like we do. Like meat is – the way it's produced is often very cruel and very destructive to the environment. And so I'm trying to eat less of it. And by necessity as part of our goals as fast food and chain restaurant reviewers, we eat a good amount of meat.

And so I think like if I can reduce my consumption outside of that outside of the purview of the podcast i think that would be a good goal for me to say yeah unfortunately you can't quit me because the podcast keep eating meat yeah well morality is relative guys sure yeah i mean you could quit it you could quit it entirely but i think it really limits your evaluation what about a meatless monday? Why don't you do two days a week where you go meatless? I say already do a good amount of, yes, I think that maybe might be a way to go. Two days a week. No, why don't you just shut up a little bit?

What are you doing? Wow. Out of nowhere. Nick, what are you doing for protein? You mostly flicking the bean? Into your mouth. Into my mouth, off of the table, in the process of playing football football nick is self-sufficient in protein he's photosynthesis this is out in the sun for a little bit he's suggesting it i'm receiving it via autofillation this is a running running dig of his right right

right right right sorry anyway i will say you're saying he's some kind of plant person that too either you you took it your own way, man. You're suggesting this is a thing you strongly imply that I'm chowing down on my own main vein and that I'm squirting into my own mouth

and swallowing the seed. No, I... I... For protein, I like peanut butter a lot. The problem is a lot of peanut butter has added sugar

so it's like it's tough to... Because that's the thing that's helped me not be as plump as I once was. Not that I'm rail thin, but I used to be a pretty plump guy. I mean, you're still as plump as a bright red tomato. Right. But I used to be downright bloated, and so I like – cutting down on sugar is part of what helped that. And so I wish I could have peanut butter that didn't have as much sugar content, but so many of them have added sugar. Yeah, I don't know.

But peanut butter is one thing. I do eat a lot of dairy, cheeses. Yeah, I don't know. Nothing wrong with cheeses. It's tough when you – that's maybe the main challenge of not eating meat is where do you get your protein. What was that song? Was it System of a Down? It was like, sugar! You remember when it started off?

No, no. I don't remember. Sounds like something System of a Down. Are you thinking of Celia Cruz's signature exclamation, azúcar? Oh, you know what I think you're thinking of? You're thinking of You're my butterfly, sugar, baby. Oh, that is? The worst song that's ever been a popular song in our lifetime, I think.

Sugar, that song is terrible. Is that song worse than the I Like Girls Who Wear Abby Carvey and Fitch Chinese Food Makes Me Sick song? I think it is worse. I think it is. Crazy Town's Butterfly is pretty bad. By the way, one of my first bosses in video games said he used to sell weed to the lead singer of Crazy Town. Cool. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

That's an awesome group of fam. Yeah. That's a great just thing to drop in conversation when you want to blow some minds. I remember I worked in the parks department in Quincy. Quincy, Massachusetts? Quincy, Massachusetts. Interesting. I was on lawns, going into the bushes and just cutting down weeds and getting poison ivy all over my body.

Some light character work as Bigfoot, just sort of walking around. No one ever thought that I was Bigfoot. It wasn't The Simpsons episode, season one, episode two. And there was this guy, Sean. I won't say his last name. But I guess you could look it up if you want. Because you'll find out. But he loved that song.

I like girls that way. He played it in his car. He would give me rides home, and I was like, this song sucks. That guy went on to be the second Gilligan in the real Gilligan's Island on TBS. The other thing, I'm friends or was close to, I was friendly with the guy who was the first Gilligan on the real Gilligan's Island. Very strange. What's the real Gilligan's Island?

It was a TBS reality show. Remember when everyone just did a Survivor for like five years after it came out? Oh, yeah. That was this buddy of mine, who I won't say his name either because I don't know if he's embarrassed by it, but he was cast as the Gilligan in the real Gilligan's Island. Is he an actor? He was trying to be an actor. Okay.

Yeah, and then he doesn't do that anymore. Now he just does Gilligan's Island. Yeah, now he works on an island as Gilligan. And they all kind of took a step in a direction when they did This Ain't Gilligan's Island in XXX Parody. He does coconut telephone sales now. All those places closed down, they're yogurt spots now. Yeah, exactly.

So I think the most important thing is that you focus on a kind of spirit that you want to have in the year. And one of the problems that we have is sometimes we will get a little, we'll gild the lily. Jordan and I will have competing ideas. And because we're kind of a combination of aggressive and terrified of confrontation,

we'll sort of make a compromise where we graft them onto each other. Sure. As in the year we were Flight of the Raptor, Sting of the Asp. Oh, yeah. That was a good one. And it can reduce the punchiness of it a little. I think one of the nice things about Punch a Blimp, which was, I think, two years ago, maybe three, was that people really understood what it meant because it was so simple and

clear, sort of like, oh, here's a possibility. Make America great again. Well, we'll put that in the maybe pile. Put it in the maybe pile. You're just reading off of Mitch's hat. Dear God. I was on a plane recently, and I had a conversation. I told you the guy next to me, he mentioned witch hunt.

But this was like 90 minutes into your conversation. This was 90 minutes into our conversation. We were having a nice conversation. He was a guy who had fallen and hurt himself. He fell off a ladder. His lung collapsed. He was telling me all about this. I said, thank you for our service.

He was in the Navy. And then eventually he got out like, it's a witch hunt. And I was like I was like, oh no. And then it was loud on the plane and I thought everyone could hear it. And I also am like you guys, very non-confrontational, some ways even classify me as a coward. And I was just like, nah, I get it. You got your, you know, you got your opinions. That's all I did. And then he said, wait till I tell my daughter I sat next to a Democrat and we didn't fight. He liked his experience. But I cowered it out. I didn't make my beliefs be known.

I stayed silent to myself. Wait till I tell my daughter I met a real-life coward. Oh, boy. By the way, when you told me this story before. I'm sorry I did like a southern guy accent. I was following your lead. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what you did.

But I wanted to follow up on this because before you told me the story, you said this guy was from Ventura. He was following your lead. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what you did, but I wanted to follow up on this, because before you told me the story, you said this guy was from Ventura. He was from Ventura. But he didn't have a very aggressive southern accent. He actually works in show business. That's why he lives here in Southern California. Oh, got it. Okay. Have you heard of him? Foghorn Lakehorn?

Famous cartoon chicken? Foghorn's daughter yeah is gonna hear about this uh but yeah no you know

in the new year I'm not gonna be someone who speaks more publicly about things either I always keep my opinions to myself I don't like to uh like uh

I think if someone was being was being doing something wrong in front of me I would confront them but uh I wouldn't characterize you as someone who keeps

your opinions to yourself. I mean, maybe that's partly because we have a podcast together. I feel like you're constantly shouting at me about how I'm wrong about things. You are wrong about things. Alright, let's go around and say something our co-host is wrong about. You're too opinionated

about me, you piece of shit. I think I have a good jumping off point for the slogan. Honestly, I'm so upset. I think I have a good jumping off, what? I am so upset to find out that one of our guests is a spendocrat. Oh, sure, yeah. I don't know if I can keep doing the show.

Yeah, somebody get Mitch a Band-Aid for that bleeding heart of his. Jordan, where do you think is a good place to start? I liked the kind of discussion about little choices you can do to make things better. And, you know, obviously like upending your life and kind of creating, you know, doing something, you know, a total 180 from what you usually do is really difficult. But something simple, something concrete. Like I recently, I learned about the impact on the climate that disposable straws were having. Sure. So now, instead of, like, for years and years and years, I didn't even think about my straws.

Now, every time when I finish my drink, I eat the straw. Right. For nutrients. Yeah. That's good. How about this? 2019, fruit instead of fries. Wow. Fruit instead of fries. Fruit instead of fries. I'd argue that, I mean, I, fruit instead of fries. Wow.

Fruit instead of fries. Fruit instead of fries. I'd argue that. I mean, I get the spirit of that. Fruit's still packed with sugar. Fruit's still got a lot of sugar. Yeah, that can be an issue. Cottage cheese instead of fries?

Hey, now you're speaking my language. You like all those fries with cottage cheese. Hell yeah. Fruit instead of fries you're not happy with? It's an improvement. Fruit is an improvement in terms of a choice. It's fibrous. But I think you'd rather get like a salad with some sort of, you know,

vinaigrette without sugar added. At the end of the day, if you're going to eat grapes, you might as well just eat candy. That's Nick's theory. That's just a sugar bag. Candy instead of grapes. 2019,, please. I do.

There are those like those like extreme exam because I do think that like, you know, when you're looking to change your diet, there are like weird things that have, you know,

sugar or calories that you don't think. But then there are always those arguments like, oh, you're having a glass of orange juice. Might as well have a Big Mac. It's like, well, no.

There are people who are very and, you know, I didn't mean to pounce on you there. No, no, no. Absolutely, you're right. No, I think that's a- No, it's fine. You embarrass yourself. No, yeah.

But the- You didn't do that. You didn't do the extreme version. I'm wondering what Mitch would be like if he wasn't so afraid of confrontation. Anyway. Yeah, though, I've noticed that the low-carb paleo guys are particularly anti-orange juice. I've heard orange juice, worst thing in the world. There's something about consuming fruit in juice form.

You might as well inject heroin into your balls. At least then you'd feel good. And, I mean, I can confirm that. It feels fucking amazing. I bet, yeah. It feels amazing. It gets right into the bloodstream. Right in there.

Plus, your boss can't see the tracks. Yeah, exactly. Unless he looks at your balls, which sometimes he does. I mean, we have regular inspections. Sure. Yeah, Nick checks mine as well. My feeling. Yeah, well, when you roll it around in the bushes, sometimes you'll get ticks.

My feeling is I have something that I kind of want to achieve in 2019, and it's not really a concrete goal. Yeah. I've never really had goals per se. I've definitely never been a New Year's resolution guy. But there is something that I want to feel, and that is a kind of freedom, like just the freedom to be myself on my own terms and for that reason that the slogan that i might suggest is fly baby fly that's good fly baby fly and it's just something you say you can say it to yourself when you're when you're making a good choice right uh you can say it to a friend who's making a good choice or really doing there, as I say, doing their thang.

Yes. Which would be spelled T-H-A-N-G, which is kind of like a twist on. So normally you would say do your thing. Yes. Yeah. But in this case, I'm substituting an A for the I, so it's kind of like a fun. So it's an example of a situation where I'm flying. I also have someone ask you, what's your favorite Cronenberg Goldblum movie?

Fly, Baby, Fly. Fly, Baby, Fly. Sure. That works there. And what's your favorite alternate title for Ben Affleck's directorial debut? Fly, Baby. Instead of Gone, Baby, Gone, I guess. I don't know.

I don't know if that was his directorial debut. I loved that. Yeah. I genuinely loved that. The thing that I did or that movie? No, what you just did there. That was very clever. Thanks, buddy.

It was all right. Do you... Okay. So, I mean, I like where it's going. Yeah, I like that you can say that with both with like an intense sort of like, fly, baby, fly! And you could also say sort of like as a smooth sort of like, fly, baby, fly. Like, it's both calm and impassioned at work.

I will say that. Very smooth, Nick. Oh, I like to think of myself that way. You do? I mean, below the neck. Jesus. I do think it does make me think of flies, though. Yeah.

That is my one issue with it. Flies are gross. Yeah. Flies are gross. One of the grossest bugs. I initially thought sore, baby, sore, but that is your worst issue with it. Flies are gross. Yeah. Flies are gross. One of the grossest bugs. I initially thought sore baby sore, but that is your worst problem. Yeah. What about sprint baby sprint?

I guess that could imply an allegiance to a phone company. I think that's going to be really good for the can you hear me now guy. Oh, yeah. That treacherous bastard. I think I have one. Yeah. For me, I'm with you. I think I have one. Yeah. For me, I'm with you. I think it's more about an attitude in the new year.

You know, I planted seeds, Nick. I've planted seeds to get myself healthier. I'm coming from the gym. That's why I'm dressed as a slob. You guys maybe didn't just figure it. I was dressed as shitty as I always am. You're literally wearing the exact same clothes I've seen you in every time I've seen you

for the many years. You're wearing a Patriots shirt, a Patriots hat, and Celtics shorts. Yeah, the only difference... And a sweatshirt you got for free from a TV show you like. That's right. This exact outfit you've worn

literally every time I've seen you for the ten years we've known each other. That is actually a crew gift from Gone Baby Gone. It's from Fly Baby Fly. From Fly Baby Fly, but it was called that i um i think for me that this year is going to be a lot about just really put myself out there it's been you know the last six years have been uh have been a strange time in my life you know i was so concerned about what i've done right or what i've done wrong done wrong and thinking so much on the past or the future.

Sorry. Can I just ask for a little more clarification? When you say – you said six years very specifically. Is that – Well, my dad passed away about six years ago. Sorry to bring everyone down. It doesn't bother me. And then in that time, things I think have been hard I think in those six years, almost seven years now, coming up on seven years.

So for me, the last year and a half, two years have been positive, slowly kind of getting myself out of that hole. A lot of thought about what I've done wrong, what I didn't do right in the past, what I didn't do, how I'm not going to be able to do something in the future. And then I kind of came to this epiphany that that doesn't matter and none of that stuff matters. And more it's just about getting out and being active. So my tagline is – it sounds a little threatening, but I'll see you in the streets. Wow. I love it. That's great.

Sure. Very aggressive. It's aggressive. But you know what? I need to be a little bit more aggressive in this new year. It also like you can you can apply that to like political engagement because I think that's that's part of the thing. Yeah. Grassroots.

Exactly. If I see that guy from the ballot box. If I see that guy from Ventura again, I'm going to kick his ass in front of his daughter. Show her what a Democrat can do. I like that. I think that I'll see in the streets. I'll see in the streets. Yeah. I mean, I think there's I think I mean, that might that might be enough. That might be all we talked about gilding lilies. I don't want to don't want to gild that lily. I think that works pretty well. I mean, I guess you

could you could apply the I'll see in the streets or in the sheets. You want to tag that a little bit? Sure. I'll see in the in the street or. OK, yeah, I like in the streets or in the sheets. You wanted to tag that a little bit. Sure. I'll see you in the streets or the sheets. Hey, I'm going to start dating again in the new year. But that doesn't necessarily mean that anything will happen in the sheets. Did you stop dating on a voluntary basis for a year? Kind of. Yeah.

It's like their side of the voluntary aspect of it. His prospective mates were volunteering not to date him. You didn't coerce anyone into going on a date with you this time? I didn't trick anyone. I will say that I do know – I think when you are when you're a fella at our age who is dating, the the the choices are almost exclusively the best way to do it is usually app based. Sure. You know, you're not you're not when you're maybe at our age down to a full meal. It takes too long. Exactly. Share a platter, a trio of dipping sauces. You're just not meeting a lot of single people in your day to day. And, you know, most people you meet, you know, when you go to a house party, people are married.

They have kids. So to kind of find the people who are still single, it's usually app based. And that shit is stressful. It's stressful. It's really stressful. It's like it's an emotional roller coaster. And I think sometimes you're just like, I am not hardy enough to do this right now. Yeah.

I don't want to deal with it. And if you're like a little – if you're like having a little bit of a bad year or a little bit of a bad couple of months, the kind of like constant barrage of rejections that come with app dating. Sometimes you're just like, I can't – I'm just going to get real good at Smash Brothers. Exactly. I feel 100% that's completely it. Or even that sort of thing of will this not work out, a lot of the thinking of the past and so on and things like that. So, I mean, everything you do now is app. I order food app-based and I date app-based. You know what I mean? Sure, yeah.

I want to try to get away from that this year. I'm getting away from it. That's all. Wait, you're getting away from? I'm going to try to date, but I'm going to try to get away from any of them. From Jordan. From me. From Jordan.

From Jordan specifically. But you're saying maybe you'll have some more IRL meet-cutes, hopefully. That's what I'm hoping for. You'll actually go out and meet somebody. So you're just going to be carrying a big bag of groceries, maybe have a bag sticking out of the top, and then see if you can bump into someone who's rushing to a high-powered job. Is that why you're opening that cupcake store? That's 100% why.

Don't worry, Mitch. Some day you'll meet your Christmas prince. If you go to Trader Joe's, there's a good chance you'll see me walking back and forth by the exit just waiting to bump into somebody and store my groceries. Have you thought about leaving behind your career aspirations in Hollywood and moving back to Quincy and finding real love? He has definitely thought about that. I know you're taking him on a journey towards a Hallmark movie plot, but he has 100% thought of that. Are you implying I should go home and marry my mom? Well, she is without a husband.

Pretty explicitly. Come on, Mitch. Do an Oedipus. Do an Oedipus, baby. Oedipus. Oedipus. I'm going to do it. Yeah, everyone cheers.

Yeah. How about this? How about this? Is there a way we can combine these? See, this is what always happens. Let's hear your pitch, Jordan. Hey, baby. See it? is what always happens. Let's hear your pitch, Jordan. Hey, baby, see in the sheets.

Jordan, do you think that leading with that is why you've had such a hard time on the apps? Oh, that's probably not it. It's because it always auto corrects to show me them nasty little feet. I'm just trying to tell them I'm running late. So, Mitch,

your see you in the streets. I like it a lot. I do worry that it does feel like a threat. It's a little aggressive. Sure. I mean, I don't mind the aggressiveness

so much as the sort of direct interpersonal aggression. I'll see you in the streets sounds like a thing you'd say to somebody if you want to fight them. I got a blimp isn't is aggressive. Sure.

But just toward filthy blimps. Who we hate. I got a way to soften it. Okay. See you in the streets? Question mark. No good slogan ends with a question mark. How about, you know, I think Nick's edition

or the sheets kind of worked. I mean, it's not filthy like some pervos that our last one was, but it's sensual, which I think we prefer. So is there a way we can take your initial slogan and add an element of sensuality to it? So, for instance, instead of fly, baby, fly, fly, daddy, fly. I don't know. What about all the thick mamas out there? Well, I mean, this can apply to anyone.

I mean, again- I feel like we often say, as with Summer Boy, we often choose masculine language and then say it could be applied to anyone rather than the other way around. That's true. We shouldn't default to that. You're right. What if we just, you know, what if it's not an addition or a word change? It's a simplification. What if it's just 2019?

Fly. Simple. Beautiful. I don't like it, man. But I do have one last change to mind. Yes, okay. See you in the streets, America. That one's kind of a unity platform.

No foreigners. What about hit the streets? Hit the streets? Hit the streets. You could say it to somebody. Yeah. Like go take a long walk on a short pier. But you could also say it to yourself. Yeah. Like, go take a long walk on a short pier.

But you could also say it to yourself to get pumped for app dating. Yeah. What about, let's hit the streets, comma, sheets? Are you talking to the convenience store chain? What's that? There's a convenience store chain called Sheets. Oh, yes. My friend Justin McElroy hosted a video series on YouTube where he and a friend would eat something that they bought there. I've never seen that.

Sounds like a hoot. Sheetz with a Z. I think it's regional to the east. I've never been inside one. It's about self-love, too, for me. You've got to love yourself. Like Ronanism? Masturbation?

Oh, God, no. None of that stuff. Because we're trying to keep these clean. I already told you about no flicking the bean. Sure. No one should be masturbating, I think. Right. That's my platform for the new year.

Oh, no fap? No fap. 2019, no fap. No fapening. What about hit the sheets? That could be sexual or it could just be about taking a nap. Hit the sheets. 2019, hit the sheets?

Yeah, I like it. I don't know if it's inspirational. 2019, hit the sheets. It's inspirational. Hit the sheets. Hit those sheets if you see them out there in the streets. I kind of like the idea of the streets, Mitch. I see where you're coming from because it can be very difficult, especially when you're an adult. Right. And you don't have as many opportunities and you really have to make choices to get yourself out there. Not just for romantic relationships, but any kind of relationship or any kind of goal that you have. It's not going to come to you. At some point, you have to go to it.

Right. You're right. or any kind of goal that you have, it's not going to come to you. At some point, you have to go to it. Right. You miss those school days where you were in a percolating stew pot all the time of opportunity. Now you have to go and seize your opportunity by hitting those streets. What if we do a riff on an old U2 song, 2019, where the streets have your name. Wow. That is a riff on an old U2 song. Can we combine the idea of sheets and streets? So it's just 2019, sleep in the streets.

That one's too tragically close to the challenges facing urban America. Oh, boy, that's true. What if we go under the streets? I'm just thinking there's some sort of sewer. Yeah, a chud or some sewer talk. Let's chud this thing. Let's see what we can find with chud in it. Rising up like the chuds.

That works. Rise like a chud is not bad. That's pretty good. You know what? 2019, rise like the chugs that's what that works rise like a chud is not bad that's pretty good you know what 2019 rise like the chud chud's plural rise did you say rise like a chud is that what you said jesse like the chud's like like they're a group they're a race well is is that's my question is because they are right it's cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers. I don't know if it's plural in the acronym or not, or if it's singular and you call the group a chuds. Oh, because dwellers.

I think rise like a chud, I would say, is maybe safer grammatically. Rise like a chode. Like a chode, yeah. I like it. 2019, rise like a chud? I love it. Rise like a chud is, I like it. I like it. 2019, Rise Like a Chud? I love it. Rise Like a Chud is, I like it. I like it too.

Everybody likes Rise Like a Chud better than Hit the Streets or Hot Baby Fly. Yeah, it involves Chud. People are going to like the other ones because they're inspirational. So is this. I think Chud involves someone else's intellectual property. I think Chud's belonged to the world. I mean, if you're getting hung up on Chud, could we change it to Rise Like a Ghoulie?

Sure. Rise Like a Ghoulie. Rise Like a Ghoulie, and then in parentheses, from a toilet. I think we're going to have a hard time getting people into t-shirts that say Rise Like a Chud. That's true. But also, can people relate to the Chuds in many ways?

Sure. Have we all felt like a Chud? I certainly wanted to taste the sweet flavor of human flesh. Yeah, haven't we all? Like that German guy. I watched Chud this last year, and I liked it. It's a fun little B movie. It's a scathing political

commentary. It's more of a thoughtful movie than you would think. It is. Our old co-host Gene's dad had an undistinguished professional acting career before having a distinguished screenwriting career. And by distinguished screenwriting career, I mean he was a staff writer on Hercules,

The Legendary Journeys. Amazing. And in his acting career, he was featured in parts with lines in both Chud and The Stuff. Wow. I think in both of them, he was like a guy in a lab coat.

That's pretty cool, though. That's cool as hell. Yeah. I mean, like, you could really not ask for better credits than that. Yeah, absolutely. The stuff was great. I saw that on, like, Fox's Sunday movie when I was a kid. And I remember there was, like, a Who's On First thing when I went over to my friend's house,

and I was like, did you see the stuff? And then his dad was like, what stuff? And, like, it was going back. And we're like, the movie, this stuff. And he's like, what's the stuff? It was a very funny Who's on first mode as a boy. You stumbled into an Abbott and Costello. Yeah.

Yeah. Before I even knew who Abbott and Costello were. We talked about gremlins and then we didn't even bring, you went to ghoulies straight from gremlins. Do gremlins come out of some sort of underground lair? They make a metamorphosis. They change from a mogwai to a gremlin. Yeah, I guess that qualifies.

No one wants a... Bloom like the mogwai. Maybe that's our slogan, bloom like the mogwai. Again, I think, you know, intellectual property issue, but, you know, I think mogwais belong to the world. Yeah. Mogwais is some species that

doesn't belong to the movie. I think we've got three really solid candidates. Mugwise belonged to the world? Yeah. Mugwise is some species that doesn't belong to the movie. I think we've got three really solid candidates. Yes. Sure. We've got Fly Baby Fly, Hit the Streets, and what was it? Rise Like the Chud? Rise Like the Chud, yes. Rise Like the Chud.

Brian, why don't you put this up on the internet? And we'll put this up for a vote on our Facebook page. So like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook, and next week on the program, we will announce the winner. I love it. That sounds right, right? Democracy. Chad is going to run away with this shit. Come on.

I don't know. Some people might not know what it means. So let's quickly go over the rationale for each. Right. So with Fly Baby Fly, my feeling about that was that it was about celebrating a spirit of freedom. Right. And it was something that you could say to encourage someone, but also something you could say to encourage yourself. And it's zippy.

It's memorable. Right. And it would look good on a t-shirt. I'm remembering that the Racehorse Association years ago, when they were trying to get young people jazzed about going to the track. Losing their life savings. Yeah, because people weren't going to the racetrack anymore.

They had Go Baby Go. They were trying to get babies to go to the racetrack? Yeah, I guess that was they were trying to get them started early. Try the McDonald's strategy. Hit the streets is both an effective threat and it's a great encouragement to get out there and mix it up,

to make things happen for yourself rather than letting things happen to you. Yes. Or staying home and hiding from everything. Was it hit the streets or let's hit the streets? What got landed on? If the comments are open, I think we should let the voters also say it should be let's hit the streets it hit the streets or let's hit the streets? What got landed on? If the comments are open, I think we should let the voters also say it should be

let's hit the streets or hit the streets or rise like a chud or rise like the chuds. I think they should be able to determine all that. So you want to have like rank choice voting? I want rank choice voting but also for the purpose of this, let's say let's hit the street.

Hit the streets is punchier. hit the streets is punchier. Hit the streets is punchier. I like hit the streets. Yeah, hit the streets. And then, Jordan, rise like the chud. How do you see that playing out in people's lives? Yeah, you know, it's just like if you feel like you're in a sewer. You're hungry for flesh.

You're hungry for flesh. Get out of it. Rise up. Hit the streets. Yeah. Like a chud. Next week, we'll find out what the winner is. There's only one way to find out.

Yeah. Keep it locked. To Jordan, Jesse, go. Right. Are Nick and I allowed to vote in this? Yeah, you guys can vote. You're part of the public. All right, cool.

You can't do voter fraud. Damn it. You guys are going to have to show ID. Oh, boy. We know what you're up to. I already know you're a spendocrat. Do you have an Estonian license, or do you have a U.S. license? Because I'm ethnically Estonian from my great-grandfather.

That means I have an Estonian driver's license. Well, you traveled to Estonia to take your driver's test. It only makes sense. Three generations have grown up in California. You think I'm still an Estonian? I think you're an Estonian spy, yes.

Mitch, Nick got his driver's license at Del Taco like the rest of us in 1980. You're an old man, is what I'm trying to say. An old Estonian man.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy, detective. Mike Mitchell, the pizza guy. Nick Weiger, the hedgehog. Guess what? We're coming to you, Bay Area.

Yeah. And people traveling to the Bay Area for SSS. Sure. And people who can make it up there for a nice long weekend. Yeah, that would be nice. What a nice place. You can go see those famous crabs. Sure, yeah. Jim, Paul, Debbie. Over there in Crab Town in San Francisco.

Yeah, East Crabton. You can ride one of those Clang Clang cars. Oh, yeah. We've definitely been there. You can go to that big jail. Mm-hmm. Island town. Oh, yeah.

That's pretty much the main activities of San Francisco, right? Yeah, go to Crab Town and Island Jail. You guys are actually going to be joining us at SF Sketch Fest on The Bubble Show. That's right. Which is Friday, January 19th at 1030 at Cobb's Comedy Club. That's in North Beach. That's right, yes. It's in the North Beach neighborhood of San Francisco. The famous Cobb's.

Maybe we should all go get Italian food beforehand. I love it. I was trying to think of the Italian song, but all I could think of was da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I think we've all thought about marrying Linguini at some point. God, I would love to marry a Linguini. I've also got Judge John Hodgman at the Castro on January 19th at 7. We're also doing Jordan Jesse Go on Sunday the 20th at 1 p.m. But the big show, Friday night, bubble, all new episode, Jonathan Colton, Eliza Skinner, Cristela Alonso, Alison Becker, Mike Mitchell, Nick Weiger, Jesse Thorne,

Jordan Morris. Yeah. Jean Grey. Jean Grey. X-Men's Jean Grey. Let's hope she doesn't turn into Dark Phoenix. I'm sure people have said that to her before. I heard a rumor, and I don't want to, maybe this is something you guys are keeping under wraps, but I heard a rumor that there will be a special guest at the bubble show, Debbie

the Crab. Yeah. Is that true here's what we were gonna do we were gonna have someone uh play debbie the crab and doing like an impression of her right and then debbie the crab is gonna come out behind them oh man she's standing right behind you i'm sorry don't worry about letting the cat out of the bag. They don't know that Jailman Joe is going to be there. Sure. Get back in your cells.

That's a famous catchphrase. Did you write that into the episode as a kind of knowing wink at the audience? Nope. Okay. Maybe you could work that in. Get back in your cells. Get back in your cells. SFSketchFest.com.

Did we say when the Doughboyz show is? You should say when the Doughboyz show is. It will be on Saturday. That's right. At? I think it's at 1 o'clock. I'm not prepared for this. I think it's at 1 p.m. Yeah.

I have a show with the Birthday Boys. Also don't know the time. And a show with Playhouse Masterpieces. Also don't know the time. All right. This doesn't plug all of Mike Mitchell's shows. We can plug the Doughboys. Bubble, Jordan, Jesse Goh, and the Doughboys.

Bubble, Jordan, Jesse Goh, and the Doughboys focus on Bubble, Jordan, Jesse Go and the Doughboys hit those up Doughboys at 1pm on Saturday the 19th check it out sfsketchfest.com or maximumfun.org for ticket links we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go I say check out every show at Sketchfest all of them them.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Mike Mitchell, the pizza guy. Nick Weiger, the hedgehog. Nick, what was the inspiration? Sonic the Hedgehog? Yeah. The most famous hedgehog of all?

This is almost a Stone Age internet meme at this point, but if you search for whatever your first name is and the hedgehog, you will invariably, unless your first name is very unusual, you will invariably find some fan art of that character. Is that really true? Yeah, absolutely. I think people draw their Hedgehog avatars. Yes, a lot of people have. Should we all do that? Let's all do it.

We mentioned it. This will be good. This is purely visual. We'll all get out our phones. Mike. Then we'll describe. And then, Brian, you can cut out a little bit of this. Yeah, there's Jesse the Hedgehog.

He's not half bad, although he does appear to have those kind of zip-off pants. You know what I'm talking about? Right, easy access. All right, so Jordan the Hedgehog. He looks like he's modeled after Shadow. Very cool. So he is a black-colored hedgehog. He's wearing a red kind of back to the future vest.

Yeah, black pants and he's kind of in like an anime power up pose. Pretty good. The alternate search suggestions for Jesse the Hedgehog are angst, edgy, Adriana and Devin. Great.

I have a profile for mine. Mike the Hedgehog, species Hedgehog, age 16, likes running, breaking rules, half of that's right, dislikes Sonic, personality Rebel, that's right, power, super speed, high intelligence, allies Shadow and Dr. Eggman. Can I just say, I'm switching. allies shadow and dr eggman can i just say i'm switching my first one was a gray hedgehog man wearing white shoes and a white leather jacket that's fine but i am absolutely switching to this one that's wearing a blue and yellow suit that could either be described as something like an early x-men outfit or like looking like an actual beach ball. Oh, yeah. He's wearing big blue swim flippers.

That's amazing. Hey. Yeah. This is my Jesse the Hedgehog. So the next one ever, I'm also changing to the alternate Jordan the Hedgehog. Instead of the one with the red vest looking cool, there is a red hedgehog with a white bow tie. It looks like he's drawn in MS Paint and he is

choking Sonic. And the next one down is a picture of Sonic choking Dale. So I guess... Are you sure you didn't search for tap out the hedgehog? If you scroll down in images, they start turning sexual within two scrolls.

Very, very quickly. I got a few different options for Nick the Hedgehogs. I'm going to go with this guy because I just think he's just so charming and cute. And this is clearly something a kid made in like MS Paint. Oh, yeah.

That is cute. He's got a little smile there. He's got a little hairband. He's got a purple mane, a red shirt, and some gray moon boots. Can I be real with you right now? That picture sucks.

Shut up, Mitch. I want him to choke me. Oh, I wish he was choking me. You know what's nice about this one is that he is... You gotta choke fast. He's depicted in the art at both 19 through 21 years old and seven years old. If you want to see a little baby Nick the Hedgehog.

Looking very cute there. That's good. It's kind of like a time-lapse drawing. Yeah. We've probably done enough Hedgehog stuff, but Mitch the Hedgehog also looks very cool there. That's good. He's kind of like a time-lapse drawing. Yeah. We've probably done enough hedgehog stuff, but Mitch the Hedgehog also looks very cool. Yeah, that guy looks awesome. That's a cool hedgehog right there. He's got like yellow flame hair.

Yeah, he looks like he's collected all the Chaos Emeralds. Does he have a giant underbite tooth? Is that a big tooth? It's kind of like a side mouth. It's like side mouth. Does it say how many Chaos Emeralds he has? All of them. Cool.

Oh, man. Whoa. Can you imagine how dope it would be if you had every fucking Chaos Emerald? Don't remind me. Dude, sometimes I feel like I don't even have one Chaos Emerald. This dude has all the Chaos Emeralds. Fuck. It's one of those heavy as the head that bears the crown sort of situation. Heavy as the hedgehog that bears the Chaos Emeralds. Fuck. It's one of those heavy as the head that bears

the crown sort of situation. Heavy as the hedgehog that bears the Chaos Emeralds. You'd always be pursued by Dr. Eggman. I've spent half a million dollars on regular Emeralds hoping to get a Chaos Emerald. All I got is this pile of worthless Emeralds. Dump those down the garbage disposal.

Waste. When something momentous happens to you we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN 206-984-4FUN or email us at voicememo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org let's take a momentous

occasion telephone call maybe someone got I said maybe someone got all the emeralds no, Mitch the Hedgehog has them Telephone call. Maybe someone got it. I said maybe someone got all the emeralds. No, Mitch the Hedgehog has them. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Michael from Oregon, and I have a momentous occasion. I went to the gym the other day, and as I went in to wash my hands, which is the first thing I do,

there was a guy flexing into the mirrors that are in the hand washing area. And he had his basketball shorts pulled down to his knees. And he was wearing a gigantic brightly colored diaper. He was moving from mirror to mirror, flexing and admiring his diaper, putting his hands on his hips. It was just something I've never seen before and I thought you'd like to hear about it. Thanks. I love the show. Bye. He was super chill about this. I really like his tone. I like that the diaper was brightly colored too.

Yeah. Yeah, you know? Show it off. Get out there. My diaper art done. Nick, do you know off the top of your head what brand of diaper that is? I'm surprised that they make an adult diaper. I'm assuming this man was adult. They make an adult diaper that is brightly colored.

I would think those usually have kind of more of a neutral palette. He might have painted it with poster paint or something. Oh, you think it was a self-decorated one? Yeah, maybe there's an Etsy shop for adult incontinence who want to look good. Is that one, though? But, like, isn't that a – I guess that makes me wonder if this is one that he's reusing, he's going to wash and use again, or if this is a disposable one that he decorated. I've bought a few on Etsy, but they mostly have mandalas you can color. Oh, sure.

I just find it relaxing. Get some great TARDIS. So I don't have to go to the bathroom. Get some great TARDIS ones. When I have to pee. It's just funny in this age how many strange photos, because now everyone has a picture of themselves. But there's just so many,

I've taken so many weird screen grabs or taking photos of my cats doing something or whatever. Me, if I have a weird thing on my arm or something, cyst, I don't know. I was trying not to be gross, but I couldn't help it.

So you landed on cyst? I mean, I don't usually have a cyst on my arm. Right. But I'm just saying. Usually more of a boil. I'm not covered in boils. I was just saying.

Just the one boil. Just the one big boil. Yeah. I just, there's just so many, there's every person has thousands and thousands of. You take so many as part of – bless you. You take so many photos as part of just like I'm going to text – I saw this weird thing. I'm going to take a picture of this to remind myself or text this to my spouse. There are a lot of just random pictures of sort on your camera roll and eventually you forget the source.

I do like – this does make me wonder about strange gym behavior, locker room behavior you guys have observed because the go-to that I think people talk about is the old man drying his balls in the hair dryer, the hand dryer rather, which I have always watched with envy because I imagine that to do something that flagrantly embarrassing, it must just feel amazing. I do it. Should I just try that someday? You do it? I do it at my gym, and we have a Dyson Airblade. Wow. You just got to draw them out slowly.

Yeah. Dear God. I bet you could use it. By the way, my gym is the airport. Sure. After you're done lifting Cinnabons, you go in there and bisect your balls with a blade of air. If you could get it right in the middle of the balls, I bet that would be great. It's like playing Operation.

I feel like the most bizarre gym behavior of them all is simply accepting that it's okay to take a shower with other people there. Sure. Just the basic participation in gym stuff, I've never been able to accept it. I've never done it in my life. In middle school, there were showers available. No one used them. And then in high school, they were available and they were gross and only a few

people used them. I never, ever did. I never, ever used them. What about when you were rowing crew in college? I'd go home. There was no showers in the crew area. Oh, okay, you didn't have a locker room. Yeah, at the gym now. It's a very small boat.

I will shower post-swimming. Me too. Because I was not showering post-swimming for a while. I was waiting until I got home or until later in the day. And I had developed a skin splotchiness. Yeah, that chlorine just kind of bakes into you. Real gross. So I started

showering and it kind of, you know, took me maybe a week to get over it. But, you know, I just- You go nude, eh? Go nude. Wow. Letting everything hang out and get a gander at God's creation. By God's creation, I mean the gym at the Verdugo Aquatic Facility.

I do the same thing. I swim at the Santa Monica Public Pool, the Santa Monica Aquatic Center, and I will go and I'll take a shower there basically every time. Wow. And it is, but it is like, it's, what I like is that it's, you feel kind of like already a little refreshed from swimming, but then you get that extra like shower clean afterwards. And also you have to wash all that chlorine residue off. This is one of those things like when Jason Segel showed his penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Yes.

Everybody's acting like he's a hero. You're like, no, he has a very nice penis. It's not a burden to him for others to know that he has a nice penis. That was him being very happy and proud to show off his penis.

Are you suggesting that's why me and Nick are so excited? You guys are peacocking. Oh, how embarrassing. Shapely, not too veiny. I hope it doesn't get caught in the drain. I am not what they call a shower, so I'm not going to show.

I'm right here with you, buddy. And not much of a grower, for God's sake. We're normal. We're in the normal range. Is this something you've joked about? of a grower, for God's sake. We're normal. We're in the normal range. Is this something you've joked about? It's not something you want to show off. Sure. I feel like when it's not doing its thing, I think it looks small to me as a big man.

I think it looks small. And the only thing that I get, like when people make fun of the statue of David, Nick, I've said this before. I think this should lay off. I think he's doing great. It's just fine. Because that is around what I think a normal level is. And the reason that I feel more okay about it is I've talked to multiple men about it who feel the same way. Yeah, I don't want to see enough other penises to feel bad about my penis.

Yes, that's a good point. I feel fine about my penis. I got you. a good one. I feel fine about my penis. I got you. It works for me. Yeah. It works for my romantic partner. It's great. It's a solid piece of business, as they say.

But I don't want to have, I'm worried that if I have too much comparison, I'll get locked into that comparison. Yeah. I got, for the first time, I've been maybe going to that pool for about a year. For the first time, a guy tried to chat with me in the shower, which I kind of appreciated. I do feel like –

Oh, that's nice. I've been doing these classes and really haven't made a lot of friends. I don't have swim friends. I have people I'm friendly with. But it's the first time someone had tried to chat in the shower. Was the conversation, you got a nice penis? I'm like, oh, this old thing. I just threw this on.

And this guy is a jacked swim man. I know him from being the guy. Jacked swim man. Yeah, jacked swim man. Sure, of the Quincy swim man. And I'm like, oh, the guy who's the jacked swim guys wants to talk. And he's like, and so we were

doing drills that day. So instead of just straight swimming, you swim with a buoy between your knees, you swim with paddles, kickboard, something like that, drills. So he's like, hey, tough swim out there today. And I was like, oh man, he's talking. Gotta respond. This is, I'm at the big show. So he's like, hey, tough swim out there today, huh? I was like, oh man, he's talking. Gotta respond.

I'm at the big show. So he's like, hey, tough swim out there today, huh? I'm like, oh yeah, I can't even with these drills. That's what I went with. Like an old meme. Anyway, so he has not talked to me since. I can't even with these drills. If I'm going to be naked somewhere, I need to pick the context carefully. Just like when I was doing yoga,

I got to do that at the South Pasadena YMCA. I'm not going to a yoga studio to do yoga. I need to be surrounded by old ladies and confused 75-year-old men. I like that. That's what I want.

I want a milieu. Everybody's already got their priorities. Their priorities are they've got their TiVo set for Lou Dobbs or what have you. CBS Sunday Morning? Yeah, exactly. They're all set, depending on how racist they are. It's a scale from Lou Dobbs to CBS Sunday Morning. Sure.

Yeah, I feel like with yoga yoga studios you'll see some variants they're definitely the ones that because i i do do i do do yoga and and like i i i feel like i have found a sweet spot with a studio where it's not just all like amazingly uh in shape yoga people it's just like there are some like ordinary people there ordinary looking people there as well there's a few yogi bears exactly exactly um but yes to to what jordan was talking about jacked swim men i feel like that's the place i feel most intimidated by people's bodies because some of the swimmers like like people who are like uh you know competitive swimmers are in phenomenal shape and you know even working out of the gym going to do yoga when i go to the pool and i'm in that locker room that's where i'm'm like, fuck, these guys are fucking jacked. I think that's why you take the showers.

Yeah, yeah. My mom for a long time was a swimmer. Yeah. And she would go swimming during the senior hours at the pool. And she was probably only in her mid to late 50s. Okay. And so for her, like she's surrounded by people who are like rehabbing from their hip replacements. She's a fucking superhero in that context.

Right. She's not necessarily a strong or competitive swimmer. But you put my 57-year-old mom next to an 83-year-old who just had their leg removed and she's the greatest. She's fucking Michael Phelps. Yeah. It's all about context is what I'm saying. It really is. I agree with that.

When it comes to showering or swimming, it's all about context. My first... Water is the primary context for both. My first pool out here that I swam in,

I could not hang in the fast lane or the medium lane and sometimes not the slow lane, but man, I fucking ruled in the therapy lane. There was a therapy sometimes not the slow lane, but man, I fucking ruled in the therapy lane. There was a therapy lane.

You're just there to soak. Yeah, you've been in therapy a long time. Sure, yeah. I feel like that's our lane. Sure, you just get in there and talk about how something made you feel. Just lay back. You and Nick are in good spots if a 2012 type situation

where a giant wave comes or something. You guys would be good to go. Because we can out swim it? Is that what you're postulating? I'm saying, Andreas, I'm just saying you prepare and then you swim along. You'll be all right. You'll swim along the top of the tidal wave. Yeah.

I think I could do that. If a big wave came. Right. And first of all, you didn't get crushed by the wave. How's that? Well, you'd go up on the wave like a body surfer. And I think they'd be okay. I think you guys would be able to swim around.

I think I probably would too. I think I would be making the hang loose sign too. And then using it to talk on the telephone. Given your swimming experience, both of you swim pretty seriously for health. Do you think that if it came to it, if there was a 2012 situation, the two of you could talk to fish? Oh, you think we could Aquaman? Yeah. No, I don't think I could Aquaman.

Really? What about like a crustacean? Maybe. I mean- You communicate? A cephalopod? I feel like the communication channels are going to be easiest with the ocean mammals, right?

Yeah. Yeah. That's the closest relatives. Start with the easiest with the ocean mammals, right? Yeah. Start with the whales and the dolphins and the narwhals. And manatees. Yeah. The narwhals. You wish. You're not going to see a narwhal. It could happen.

It might happen. Nick, you would fucking love to talk to a fucking narwhal. I'd lose my mind. That's your fucking dream. Yeah, man. You used to be like, remember when in sixth grade they say, what do you want to be when you grow up? You said, talk to a narwhal, which isn't even a job, dude. Yeah, man.

It's not even a job. I would never talk to one of them because you can't spell narwhal without narc. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, I'm Paula Poundstone. And I'm Adam Felber. Adam, I haven't gotten one thing done today. Well, let me see your to-do list. Ah, yeah, well, here.

Make 30-second promo for Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, so at least you're getting that done. Score! Except you haven't said what the show is about. We're like a comedy field guide to life, starring me and you. I give useful advice and we have real experts to talk about things like how to keep a friend or what to do when you encounter a bear. Bully for you, but you haven't said where people can find the show.

Oh, MaximumFun.org or wherever you find your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morse, boy detective Mike Mitchell, the pizza guy Nick Weiger, the hedgehog Boys, it's been a joy to have you on the program As ever, two of our favorite guys Two of our favorite podcasters.

Likewise. Same. What a treat. Always a treat. Mitch, I always appreciate how much you talk about your hometown. I love it. Because it makes me look not obsessed with my hometown, relatively speaking. I mean, to somebody on Twitter, I made a joke last time, I think it's the last time I was

on your show, about you always talking about Quincy. And somebody was like, well, Jesse's someone to talk. He's always talking about San Francisco. Yes, that's the point. That's why I appreciate so deeply. Yes, we have some good crossovers, you and I, I've realized today. We're not going to shower in some public space. We love our hometown.

I think that you're a good man. We both want to marry our mommies. We both want to marry our mommies. Our co-hosts drive us crazy. That's true. Ding dong. We're a couple of little shits. Yeah.

We need to be spanked. Show me those nasty feet. Show me those nasty feet. Yeah. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. The Doughboys is the name of Mitch and Nick's show. You probably already listened to it. Much more successful than our show.

If you don't, I think it's definitely the hardest I've laughed at a podcast is laughing at episodes of Doughboys. It's the funniest podcast. God bless you. I look forward to it every week. Yeah. You cannot find a funnier show. You guys are too nice to us. And also two people that were very helpful when we were starting to even try to do this.

Absolutely. So you guys are awesome and amazing. We're pretty great, too. You guys are amazing. We're pretty great. Jordan's great. I'm great. Together we're great.

Brian's all right himself. He's no slouch. Can we add to the poll? Can we add talk to an hour wall? No, it's just going in. No, no slouch. Can we add to the poll? Can we add talk to an R-Wall? No, it's just a go-in. No, no, fourth choice. Fourth choice. Talk to an R-Wall.

Talk to an R-Wall. 2019, talk to an R-Wall. That's an anything is possible. There you go. You can do it. Yes. I think recency bias is going to really tilt the wheel here. Yeah, it will be recency bias or Chud fandom.

We'll win out. We'll see. I think Chud is going to win in a landslide. Or elegant minimalism. How about that? That might win. Yeah, it could. A lot of Saarinen fans out there.

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program. You can join us on Twitter with the hashtag JJGo. If you've got a correction for the program, we always appreciate them. We take quality control very seriously at Jordan, Jesse, Go. Go ahead and tweet those to at JDPower. And while we're calling to action, I think worth mentioning,

we'll probably mention this too in a break to be recorded later, but you can see all four of these guys at SF Sketch Fest this year. SF Sketch Fest. We're all going to be on the bubble show. Nick is going to be making his acting debut. You've probably acted before.

I've acted poorly. Yeah. But I'll do my best. This will be the first time you do a good job. Well, yeah. Is this going to be your acting finale? That's more likely. Grand opening, grand closing.

Yeah, it'll be a Gigi Allen situation. Nick's going to commit suicide on stage. Come see us at SF Sketch Fest. You can find the tickets at sfsketchfest.com. We will all be on the Bubble live show, live in continuity episode. Are you guys doing Doughboys at Sketch Fest? We are. We are.

I think we'll actually be doing it the next day after the Bubble show. I'm doing Birthday Boys. Up against Jordan Jesse Goh, huh? Are we? I don't know. It can't be the same. No, we got a day in between. Oh, great.

So you can come to all these shows. Yeah. Come to every show. Come to all shows. Okay. Well, we'll see you at SF Sketch Fest, and we'll see you next time on Jordan and Jesse Goh. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture.

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