Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 565: Ping Pong Party with Paula Poundstone

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

Paula Poundstone (Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Paula's rain soaked ping pong party, the potentially disturbing short story Jesse's son's dictated recently, and the proper use of a bathroom hand mirror. Plus, the people have spoken and we reveal what they chose as the inspirational slogan for 2019. Get your 2019 Inspirational Slogan T-Shirt here!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's a beautiful, clear evening as we record this in Jordan Jesse Goh World Headquarters, which is what I've renamed Maximum Funny to. Wow, all the other shows are really going to feel like shit. It's our new signature product, this unsuccessful.

Because in Los Angeles, and I was driving north from Los Angeles towards Pasadena this morning. Beautiful direction. Oh, one of the best directions. I mean, south has a pretty good. Oh, sure. I mean, the whole way around. Nasty ears spill wax, northeast, south, and west. Oh. That's I mean, the whole way around. Nasty ears spill wax northeast, south, and west. That's how I remember it from fourth grade.

Did you have a time when you had to memorize something? Let's see, I had never eat shredded wheat. Yeah, that's the classic. I think she gave us the classic. That was a little condescending, Jesse. Oh, you had the basic mnemonic. I had one. I said you had the classic mnemonic.

This is an all-time great. I heard your tone. I heard your tone. That might be the greatest mnemonic of all time. Oh, your favorite band is the Beatles? Yeah, they're good. Well, they are. They are pretty good.

Yeah. Four lads from Liverpool. Finally. We've hit upon the motherlode. Yes. The conversational motherlode. I was headed north towards Pasadena. Yeah.

And I remembered how beautiful Los Angeles is after it rains, when the sky is clear. It was early in the morning. I was headed to the flea market. It was clear, blue skies. I could see the snow on the mountains. Yeah. Abandoned Rose Parade floats.

Yes. On this side on the mountains. Yeah. Abandoned Rose Parade floats. Yes. On this side of the road. Yeah. You just get halfway back to the bunker and they bail. Fuck it. Yeah. But I feel like whenever I am looking at, you know, this happens after it rains is it gets so clear and you can see the beautiful mountains. Often there's

snow on the mountains. These kinds of things. There's mountains that surround Los Angeles, the Los Angeles Basin. I have two feelings. One is this, just this moment of no pun intended clarity, like this is what it is to be alive, to live in a great city surrounded by the majesty of nature, to feel the fresh, beautiful air.

By the majesty of nature to feel the fresh, beautiful air. And then that is refracted through a prism of, oh, fuck. It was not like this for three months before today. Sure, yeah. It's going to get hot. It won't rain for a while. The smog will roll in. I'm probably going to crash into this abandoned Rose Parade float.

Exactly. And what's left of the dolphin made of begonias will catch fire. I really did go past an abandoned Rose Parade float. Really? Yeah, not in my car, on the Gold Line Metro Rail. So they're just dumping these things on the side of the street, huh? What do you do with them? Yeah, I mean, I... Donate them to bees, I guess.

Or a goat. A goat, sure. Oh, a goat could go to town on a Rose Parade float. Do you think that's where Rose Parade floats go? Do people know that Rose Parade floats are made of flowers? I don't know. I don't know how regional this is. No, well, it's on national television. I think it is. I mean, this is regional this is. No, well, it's on national television. I think it is. I mean, this is one of the big, what I call the big three parades.

That's the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Oh, yeah. The Rose Bowl Parade. And a third parade. The third, yes. The third parade. The wild card. What's it going to be this year?

The Northeast Los Angeles Christmas Parade. Oh, sure, yeah. On Figueroa Boulevard in Highland Park. Always a treat. Yeah, I mean, I think, I don't know how many goats there are in the Southland region, but I think if we brought them to bear upon the Rose Parade. There's only one, Beyonce. Greatest of all time.

I'm not calling her out. Greatest of all time. Greatest of all time. I'm not calling her out. Greatest of all time. Greatest of all time. Yeah. I think we could take care of that. But can I offer an alternative suggestion to you, Jordan? Start driving them around? Rose parade floats, not goats.

Well, I mean, we're talking about, you know, you've got these rose parade floats. They're going through. Right now what's happening is they're going through the Rose Parade. At the end of the Rose Parade, they bring them to the side of the metro line tracks. Then they let the goats eat them. What if during the parade they let the goats loose and just kind of saw what happened? Just a roll of the dice. Oh, so the goats could gradually eat the floats as they go.

Yeah, and you could catch them with different, they have many cameras along the route. The cameras aren't all in one place. No, yeah. So you could see them along the route. The goats gradually eating them. And maybe put some GoPros on those goats. A couple of GoPros. Yeah.

And so we could see from the goat's perspective what it's like to really chomp down on a 50s diner made out of chrysanthemums. We have been doing this show, Jordan, for 13 years. We've been working together now for, this will be our 19th year. 2019 will be our 19th year working together. And we failed to become rich. There's no doubt about that. Sure. We unfortunately are not rich until today when my friend and co-equal business partner,

the co-owner, 50-50 of all I just said. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Created the GoPro. Oh, yeah. I think a GoPro on a goat is the best business idea we have ever had. Probably. I mean, I'm talking about stream.

Remember Justin.TV? Are people going to be, are we worried that people will be confused to think that the goat is some sort of professional? Well, we can pay the goat. Okay. Yeah. Get him a correspondence degree or something. Yeah, sure. I mean, this doesn't have to be a white-collar professional. He could be a blue-collar professional. Yeah. Get him a correspondence degree or something. Yeah, sure.

I mean, this doesn't have to be a white-collar professional. He could be a blue-collar professional. Yeah. I mean, he's probably got an honorary degree in tin can chewing. I think at the very least we put a little tie on this guy. Nobody's asking questions. Right. Little tie, little GoPro.

Well, now that we're rich, Jordan, that puts us pretty much on equal footing with our guest on the program today. Ah, yes. Because I was concerned going into this, Jordan, you and I are not comedy legends. No. Our guest on the program is a genuinely legendary comedian. Yeah. I was concerned that this was going to be a problem for us because of just the imbalance

of power on the show. Right. But now that we are rich and she's merely comfortable. We're just three equals. Yeah. Three equals chatting it up. Our guest on the program is the host of the Smash Max Fun podcast. Nobody listens to Paula Poundstone.

She's a legendary stand-up comic, a panelist on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, a woman with whom I once conducted a one-hour interview in which I asked three questions. Paula Poundstone. Thanks for having me. It's a joy to have you here, Paula. It's nice to be here. I've got a little bit of what may be bracing news to you two fellows. Hold on. I'm bracing myself.

While you were chatting I went on Legalzoom.com Oh wow And I've patented the goat cam God damn it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! There is a All of a sudden this room Well I'm definitely not having kids This little room

Oh don't I was kind of on the fence about it But now I have no way to provide for them. This little teeny room, suddenly my corner of it just tilted up. The imbalance of power in this room. We are basically recording this right now in the Santa Cruz mystery spot. Sure, yes. How big is this hallway? It's impossible to know.

Where if you take a photograph standing on Paula Poundstone's side of the room, you look huge. Yeah, it's enormous from my side. You look tiny at our side of the room because of the raked floor. I'm just going to roll this bottle downhill. What? It's going, what? It's going uphill. Hold on.

I'm going to have to take this call. It's another order for goatcam.com. Oh, no. Oh, no. She already set up an 800 number. Oh, boy. Or possibly people want these goat cams so bad that they're calling her toll. Sure.

So they can toll call us. Yeah, they don't mind just calling direct. They don't need the 800. Yeah. Yeah, the goat cams are flying off the shelf. You know, as a fig leaf, well, not a fig leaf, as an olive branch, I'd like to offer you the opportunity to do donkey cam. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. That's a nice consolation prize. You know what? I'll take the fig leaf. I did sell all of my clothes when I heard that our idea was now no longer ours, so I will need something to cover up with. Yeah. Can I ask for a barrel with two straps, please?

Where did that come from? Did anybody ever wear a barrel? Where did that idea come from? I think it's probably the best idea ever. Yeah, it strikes me as something that was in like a, you know, a newspaper comic strip in the 30s that for some weird reason just got like pushed forward by pop culture. Like Looney Tunes did it. Like maybe it's in a Mutt and Jeff comic or something like that. And then it for some reason just became the symbolism for poorness.

I wonder if anybody ever patented it. No! Take that LegalZoom.com link away from her. I need just a second with my... Curse you, LegalZoom. You never sponsor this show. You let Paula Poundstone steal our ideas. Now you're collecting the riches that you're gaining from all these great ideas that listeners are using you to register.

Paula, before we sat down. Can I suggest something? What? Well, we put it on a gerbil. The cam? Yeah. Well, I mean, there's no pun there. Yeah.

I think that's the failing. You would see it eating a little piece of cheese or something. I don't know what they no pun there. Yeah. I think that's the failing. Well, you would see it eating a little piece of cheese or something. I don't know what they eat. Yeah. They eat like toilet paper rolls or something. Yeah. Yeah, you put like a paper towel roll in there for a terrible. That sounds fun.

You know, they say toilet paper rolls are the poor man's tin can. Yeah, you put that in there. Just as a barrel as the poor man's overalls. You put the cam on the other side. That's what you do. It's toilet paper roll cam. And then you watch the animal eat towards...

Hold on a minute. Excuse me a minute. Are you on LegalZoom.com again? I just need a minute with my... L-E-G. Paul, before we sat down to record, you mentioned that you had either been to or hosted a ping-pong party. I hosted just last night a ping-pong party. We said save it for the podcast.

Yeah. Would you please explain to us? I've had many, many, many ping-pong parties in my backyard. That is fun to say, a ping-pong party. A ping-pong party it is. And then, of course, you add in the Paula Ponson ping-pong party. That is fun to say. Ping pong party. Ping pong party it is. And then, of course, you add in the Paula Pounce on ping pong party. How many ping pong parties you have in the backyard?

Me say many, many, many, as the Fugees once sang. I've had a lot. I think I've been giving ping pong parties for I think approximately 30 years. Wow. That's a long time not to invite us

to your ping pong parties. I heard she invited Piper Paraboo. That's kind of an alliteration thing. I get how maybe you're not inviting Jordan and Jesse. Yeah, because our names start with J, not P. Oh, yeah. Paul is ping pong party. I'll tell you something.

Paul Apprentice, fantastic player. Yeah. No, she wasn't there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Paula's ping pong party. I'll tell you something. Paula Prentice, fantastic player. Yeah. No, she wasn't there. She could be. All right. So it's kind of evolved over the years, but here's the essence of it at this point because I've lived in more than one dwelling. The essence of it at this point is that the food and stuff is generally out on the back porch, and then we have the ping pong table in the backyard. And we have an old, like from a high school gym scoreboard, which is my favorite part

of the entire thing. A couple of friends of mine, you know, found it at a flea market. Stole it from a high school. Sounds like it fell off a truck, right? That's kind of the tone you're taking. And I get it. I'm not going to rat you out. I'm not going to mark.

You'll notice that Pasadena High hasn't put up their scores in quite a long time. A couple of friends of mine were varsity athletes at Central. And they went over to Tech. Yeah, they happened to have. So, yeah. So what's great about it is even if you're not over what, you know, we have chairs near the table. There's a little gallery there. But even if you're not watching the game carefully, you can look up from anywhere in the backyard and see the scoreboard and have a sense.

We have a doubles tournament where we pull names out of a hat to make the doubles teams. And anyways, last night, of course, there was a huge rain here. teams. And anyways, last night, of course, there was a huge rain here. And so we had a canopy up over the food stuff on the porch, and then we put a canopy over the ping pong table. It kind of protected the ping pong table, but it did not protect the players. And so we just played. It drenched in rain. It was so much fun. That sounds kind of sexy, honestly, a little bit. I don't recall feeling aroused in any sexual way. Wow, boy, never even thought about that.

Jordan, wait until you hear who I got as my doubles partner. One Chrissy Everett. Oh, boy. I thought you were going to say Forrest Gump. And then I would have done the same thing. I'm a real gump head. I also have a semi-outdoor

ping pong table. My wife is an avid ping pongist. But she had no venue to ping pong. It takes a little space. And she had grown venue to ping pong in which to ping pong and she had grown up her parents her mother's extended family

owned a cabin in the northern Sierras and at this cabin there's a basement with a ping pong in it that she grew up fiercely participating in family ping pong tournaments yeah yeah that's how it starts they're a non-competitive family. But how does it end?

Well, we're going to find out. Have you seen the movie Cabin in the Woods? Oh, sure. So she is quite a keen ping pong player. I am loathe to compete in almost any competition because as we have discussed on this program before, Jordan, you and I have discussed, I am very competitive. I hate losing.

But when I win, I feel bad for making everyone else lose. So there is no – It's a lose-lose right there. It's a lose-lose. The minute I get in there, it's a lose-lose. So my wife is much better at ping pong than I am. And she really wanted – we have a cabin in the Southern Sierras and she really wanted to have a ping pong table there. And I was deeply ambivalent about this because I just – all I could see was as soon as my children were old enough, they would be putting up round robin brackets and I would be roped into competing against them and either

winning or losing and both of which would make me feel bad. Yeah. Yeah. And even my own children, my own flesh and blood. I do have a solution, by the way. I have a solution brewing. Okay. But-

So we didn't have, it's not a huge cabin. There wasn't a basement to put it in. No, I can't imagine playing in a cabin. So, but this cabin had a basement. I mean, wouldn't you keep bonking into the Lincoln Logs? Well, that's part of it. It's like a home field advantage thing. It's like the Green Monster in Fenway Park.

Yeah, you have to play around the wood stove. Exactly. But in our cabin, we do have it. There's a shed. And this used to be the shed where the previous owner stored his ATVs. But we had been storing some garbage in there, not storing it long term, but while we were at the cabin because there's no place to bring the garbage until you leave. And so we had our big outdoor garbage can inside there with the door locked and a bear ripped the door off. Oh, my heavens.

To get to your garbage? Yes. You must have the best garbage. I think it was a very hungry bear. Huh. Although, look, I'm not going to sell our garbage short. Sure. No, I bet you got fantastic garbage.

It's one of these. It's all pots of honey. Yeah. I hate honey. What can I say? I got a lot as a gift. Throw it out. My neighbor Skip was nice enough to give us a bunch as a gift.

So we bought the smallest ping pong table there is. You still had to put it diagonal inside the shed. Wow. But now our shed has a ping pong table. A shed does not. Your wife is really getting the lousy end of the stick here. A shed does not sound like a great venue for ping pong.

You need a larger... Not like your backyard? Yeah. You need a little bit more space than a shed could provide. I imagine you want a regulation table, right? I mean, you don't want to be playing in some sort of truncated small... Sorry, but you're playing on a compact table.

Yeah, but it all throws everything off. Here's my, look, I have a ping pong machine that shoots the balls at you. Oh, shit. Yeah, your wife might want to consider that and that way there. Show business over here. Yeah, what? Well, you know, as soon as I was able to make some of my legal Zoom.com projects take off, I started just patenting stuff right and left. And the next thing you know, man, really a pile of cash.

I'm picturing like the classic like 80s tennis pro with like the sweatband, teased hair, and really short tennis shorts. I'm picturing that person coming over to Paula's house. Yeah, maybe Scandinavian name. Yeah, to teach Paula how to become a superior ponger. No, I haven't had that experience. Somewhere along the way, I got like a video about like a ping pong pro teaching. And it just made me lose my will to live because I don't do anything remotely like what they're doing. I did meet one time, speaking of ping pong pros, I was working in the Catskills.

This was in the 1940s? No. No, the Catskills are still there. They're still where they go for comedy. And they do still have – I mean it wasn't recent but it was, I don't know, 25 years ago maybe, something like that. I'm trying to think. Jesus worked the Catskills. Oh, really?

Yeah. They found evidence. Do you remember a few years back they found a piece of papyrus somewhere in the Middle East that they believed had a quote from Jesus? Do you remember this? No. This is a real story. Yeah, it had a quote from Jesus about his wife. It said, my wife.

And on closer examination, they found it was surrounded by the words take and please. They found it was surrounded by the words take and please, and that is the first real hard evidence they've had that Jesus worked the Catskills. But so I was working the Catskills many years ago, and this is – yeah, this is probably about 25 years ago. And they said to me – they had like this rec room. I don't know. I never saw Dirty Dancing, but I guess the rec room is not fancy. So they had this rec room, and they told me that they had a ping pong pro. And they said, well, the people who ran the place, they said, well, do you want him to come knock on your door after your show and you go play?

Give you a rubdown. Absolutely. Sure. So after my show comes the – it's real late at night, comes the ping pong pro. He was a, you know, a very fit guy. And you got to be. Yeah. I mean, he was like a rubber band, you know. Last thing you want to do is get winded.

Yeah. Well, it's a very athletic game when played correctly. I imagine he's not jacked, but he's probably live, you know, kind of more sinewy. Would you say sinew-ish? Sure, yeah, yeah. Like a jaguar. Yes, very much. Very much like a jaguar.

It's more fun. Try it. Yeah, I do like it that way. And so he came and we played and he ran me ragged around the table. There was clearly nothing I could do to beat this guy. He ran me ragged around the table. There was clearly nothing I could do to beat this guy. Then he took out a paddle that was about three inches in diameter.

Like a little teeny paddle. It was like a little joke gift paddle or something. And he just fucking schooled me with it. I was all over the place. There was nothing I could do to get this guy. And then he sort of tossed that aside. He took off a sneaker and he played me just using his sneaker as a paddle. It was deeply humiliating. And so I'm really sympathetic, I think, Jesse, to your concern about the kids and the brackets.

We have a friend who became a – in fact, he's appeared on this program a number of times, Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather. Jim Rayall as an adult took up table tennis because he was, I think, working in East Asia a fair amount of time where table tennis is much more popular. Yeah. working in East Asia a fair amount of time where table tennis is much more popular. Yeah. And with some dudes who were, you know, first generation immigrants from East Asia who were very serious about it. So he like joined a club and became a nationally ranked table tennis player. Like 249 or something like that in his weight class or whatever. But the prospect of doing that, I think my only concern about it.

That's good. You got to do nothing else with your life to get that high rank. You just got to be – you got to eat, sleep, and pong. Exactly. You got to – right. You have to make your life just all about it. You've seen my t-shirt, God, family, ping pong, in that order. Right?

Yeah. That's exactly what it's got to be. In fact, I would ooch family out of there. Yeah. As an atheist, God doesn't count at all. More time to devote to pong. Right. It's ping pong, ping pong, ping pong.

Mommy, what happened to me? Sorry, honey. You got ooched. Yeah. Yeah. You got to ooch them out of there. You're number four. You're number four.

Not enough to make the shirt. No, but a high ranking. Yeah, very high. Top ten. Top ten priorities. I think my dream. You know, they say, do you have young kids at all? Yeah, I have a seven, a five, and a two.

Because I read an article that said that my generation of parenting, right, that, you know, because my kids are young adults now, that my generation of parenting, that we've made a mistake because we've told our kids that they're special. We haven't given them grit. You know, they're the trophy generation. Phonics was a mistake apparently. So we just did so much wrong. And as I was reading the article, I'm like busted. Man, I did do all that.

So as soon as I read the article, I called my kids and I said, you know, I have made an awful mistake. I said, you are not nearly as special as I thought you were. Now just mail me back the trophies. Yeah, exactly. Those were really – it was second place, those trophies. Are your kids good at pong or do they join you in pong or is that something that you? Yeah, my daughter Allie was there playing last night. Okay.

Are you good at pong? I used to be. I'm not anymore. There's two things that I imagine being the characteristics of a player who's good at ping pong. They got to live it. You got to have nothing else on your list. You got to have, you got to, you got, you got to, like your skin has to develop pips. Drinking raw eggs in the morning.

No, the two things. The only movie you watch is Forrest Gump. That, well, he doesn't really play. That's like computery. One is, one is that you hold the paddle upside down with your fingers pointed out like an Italian fuck you or whatever. I didn't know that was an Italian fuck you. I'm making it up. I don't think it is.

Oh, my God. I just realized now how many Italians have been upset with me and I didn't understand what they were saying. You were giving them the old Italian fuck you. They were giving me the Italian fuck you and I wasn't receiving it. The other thing is if you're doing a lot of spinzies. If there's a lot of English on the ball on purpose. I call it stank, but go ahead. Okay, thank you, Jordan.

Thank you for clarifying. It's a regional thing. Sure, in Orange County it's called a stank. Where are you from? Huh? Where are you from? Yeah, Southern California. We call it stank.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Huh. I'm from an area we called America's Stank Bucket. And I thought I had this. It's the home of curvy ping pong balls. Sure. LFO.

Wait. I thought I had assimilated. I'm not sure what you're talking about. What's LFO? Like funky ones? Boy, I don't know. I'm not thinking of Sugar Ray. Who was it that we you're talking about. What's LFO? Like funky ones? Boy, I don't know. I'm not thinking of Sugar Ray. Who was it that we were just talking about?

LFO was, aren't they a boy band? Aren't they kind of a sub 98 degree? No, it sounds like we've moved into Kavanaugh's yearbook. What's the band from like San Diego that we were just talking about? Remember when we were talking about what are the worst songs? Oh, sure. Crazy Town. Crazy Town.

Yes. That's a band? Crazy Town? It was. Yeah, I think they're responsible for a single radio hit that I think I regard to maybe be the worst popular song that came about in my lifetime. They probably still are a band. Yeah.

I mean, yes. Do you think they all went on to start other better bands? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I bet they do those like nostalgia tours with a Barenaked Lady. You're like, you know, one of those guys plays guitar in Arcade Fire now. I have no idea. Barenaked Ladies are still – I saw Barenaked Ladies at the Greek – they were at the Greek last summer.

Still cruising. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're great. I just found out that a B naked lady stayed at my cabin. Skip told me that. Wait a minute. Yeah, before I owned my cabin. He didn't just let himself in, the bare naked lady.

Oh. But before I owned the cabin, apparently one of the guys that owned the cabin previously had been like the manager of the bare naked ladies. Oh, so you meant the band. I thought it was literally a naked lady going toe toto-toe with the bear who ripped the garage door off. Do you think that the bear was just in there looking for some chick of the Chinese chicken? Yeah. The Chinese chicken.

Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back. Great song. You guys take breaks? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. I have to pee. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Are we doing a little do-pa-da-do-pa-da? I don't know. Why would we? Every week brought to you by all of the kind people who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate to become members of MaximumFun.org. May heaven on high bless each and every one of you. Mm-hmm. Sweet Prince. Should old the great entry forgot and other words in the song. You donate cash to make the show. We're also brought to you this week by Squarespace.

You know, Jordan, if you've got an endeavor, and I'm not just talking about space shuttles, I'm talking about creative projects. I'm talking about small businesses. I'm talking about cool ideas. I'm talking about... Other. hat collections. Sure, yeah. I mean, that would fall under cool ideas probably.

That's a cool idea to have a hat collection. If you're trying to visit every MLB ballpark, you're going to need a cool website for your cool idea. Yeah, and here's what you're going to want to do. If you want to make a cool website, turn your idea into something people can look at on the Internet, you're going to want to go to Squarespace.com and enter offer code JJGO when you check out. It's the number one place to go to build beautiful, customizable websites from beautiful templates created by world-class designers. Jordan, I'm glad you brought that up. Yes. Because I have a concern that some of Squarespace's competitors may be using regional designers.

No. Well, you know what? Don't even visit those competitors. Just go right to Squarespace.com. That's where the world-class designers are. Yeah. Don't use third-tier designers. Why would you?

Are you some sort of third tier chump? Yeah, I'm certainly not. You're no third tier chump. That's why I'm Squarespace all the way, baby. If you're listening to this show, you ain't no third tier chump. But Jordan. What? What if I get stuck? What if I'm in the middle of creating

a beautiful website for my great idea from world class templates and I'm at a loss. But it's 3 o'clock in the morning. No one could possibly support me in this endeavor at that time. That's where you're wrong because Squarespace has 24-7 award-winning customer support that I have personally used. Really?

Yeah. I have a Squarespace website that I really like. I made some changes recently. You're talking about JordanMorris.com? Jordan. I have a Squarespace website that I really like. I made some changes recently. We're talking about JordanMorris.com? JordanMorris.net. And I think someone bought JordanMorris.pizza that redirects to.net. So thank you to that fan who did. I didn't want to pony up the extra money for.pizza, but

the fan did. So JordanMorris.net I think. So are you selling pizza there? No, I am not. So I guess I'm worried about confusion. I have no pizza for sale. False advertising. But if you just wanted to check out my writing. What's weird is the soccer player Jordan Morris is selling pizza at his website, jordanmorris.com. Listen, it's a huge conundrum.

Here's what you're going to – yeah. So the customer support is actually great. And I am definitely not a techie fella and was able to build a website pretty quick, pretty easy, and anytime I need a little hand, the 24-7 customer support is always there to help out. You're not a technocrat. No, I'm no technocrat. At best, you're a plutocrat. Yeah, exactly. I'm an autocrat.

You're a kleptocrat, certainly. Sure, yeah. Just like those clowns in Congress. God, don't get me started. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code JJGO to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com and enter the code JJGO. Also, if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, the time is nigh.

Well unto nigh. Get those ticks for our upcoming appearances at SF Sketch Fest. I'm going to be at the Castro Theater on the 18th at 7 p.m. That's a Friday night doing Judge John Hodgman. Then later Friday night. Ooh, this is the big show, baby. This is the big show, baby. 10.30 p.m.

Cobbs Comedy Club, Friday, January 18th. We are doing an all-new episode of Bubble with a very, very cool cast. Of course, you've got the regulars, Eliza Skinner, Christella Alonzo, Alison Becker, Mike Mitchell, but a lot of cool guests, including Jonathan Colton, who is

singing all-new, legally dissimilar songs, and he's not just singing, Jesse. He'll be acting. Oh, wow've we've upgraded jonathan colton from singer to actor yeah uh i guess he'll be doing both i guess it's not an upgrade it's a we added we added a duty yeah which is acting uh yeah a lot of cool people be there you're also added a duty yes well yes he did also take a big shit. He will not be shitting on stage. Weiger's going to be in it, isn't he?

Yeah, Nick Weiger from the Doughboys is going to be doing a little acting. The hilarious stand-up Caitlin Gill is going to be there. Sarah Claspel from the Everything is Rent podcast is going to be doing some acting. And, yeah, anything else? Oh, The Great Blanket Patch. The Great Blanket Patch will be there. It's going to be a really, really fun show. A hero with a thousand faces.

Yes, it'll be indistinguishable. Yeah, this is really fun and definitely, it's definitely new listener friendly. I mean, I think if you listen to the show, you've probably listened to Bubble already. But if for some reason you got buds you want to bring who maybe haven't heard the show uh it'll be very new listener friendly so do not do not worry about that just uh come and get ready for a great time on sunday the 20th we're going to be at the punch line in san francisco right there in downtown san francisco you can take the bart right to this thing jordan that's the bay area rapid transit sunday january 20th 1 p., the punchline. I don't think we can say who our guest is yet, but it's good. Our guest is really good.

Let me- Can we tease it? Let me put it this way. Can we twos it? When the name is announced, you will be arrested by that development. Sure, yeah. by that development. Sure, yeah.

You're gonna... You're not gonna wanna... You peep the name, but you might veep the name. I don't know what that means. Boney Bano. Oh, boy. We can't say who it is

that doesn't have nothing to do with who's gonna be our guest at the show at the Punchline on the 20th, 1 p.m. Here's what you do. You go to sfsketchfest.com or maximumfun.org for ticket links. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Oh, it's, uh, I forgot my nickname. I had one. What was it? It was a dance move. Um, oh, shoot. Paula Macarena Poundstone? Kickball chain. No, it was push something.

Push. Push it. Push. There's salt and pepper.? Kickball chain? No, it was push something. Push. Push it. Push. The salt and pepper? Push it real good? No. Paula Push It Real Good Poundstone? I can't think of the name of it.

Paula Push It Poundstone is not bad. Paula Push It Poundstone is all right. It's in my book in the totally unscientific study of the search for human happiness. And I honestly can't think of the name of it right now. What's the matter with me? Paula, well, it's unfortunate that you've forgotten what your nickname was. I'm glad that you remembered that when plugging your book, you should always say the full title of the book during media appearances. You got it.

You got it. Oh, do you have to? You know, I was cautioned when I had the title of the book, and I had the title of the book very early on in the process. But I was cautioned that it was so long that it would get truncated like on the shipping orders and things. And it did. It would come – packages would come totally un, I think, is how far they got. And I'm fine with that. That's good enough, right?

Yeah. My first book was called There's Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say. And I believe that shipped under the title There's Nothing in This Book. So, yeah, you know. Seems like a real ripoff. Yeah, these shortened versions my my son wrote a really amazing short story just on the subject of uh on the subject of literature oh yeah yeah and jordan knows a little bit about this he's got a literature degree you sure do i didn't know that you use it every day um i have a

i have a five-year-old son yeah i also have a very nearly two-year-old son, but the one in question is the five-year-old. Yeah. And he dictated a story to my wife this week that I found on the dining room table, read, and became concerned about. Oh, my gosh. This isn't about Sonic the Hedgehog, is it? No. Something from a previous episode. I saw a worrisome posting on a deli bulletin board about Sonic the Hedgehog.

I'm still a little concerned. You're not familiar at all. You don't want to be. Yeah, it's better that you not know. You know, I'm thinking that if you had gotten your wife the proper sized ping pong table, she wouldn't have had time to do this translating, and the kids' thoughts would have just come and gone.

So I think, I guess what I'm, what I'm asking you guys is I'm wondering if you can tell me, if I read this story to you, whether I'm raising, I don't know exactly what the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is. But... It's definitely one of the two is what you're saying. You've decided it's one of the two. On that spectrum somewhere. Whether my child will grow up to be in some way murderous.

Mm-hmm. I could see that being a concern. You're worried you'll be killed with tap shoes. Is this a... This is the concern. The secondary concern is the one thing that I can imagine potentially being worse, based on my experience, than him growing up to be murderous, would be that I'm also concerned he may grow up to be a humorist. Oh. These are the two worries.

Remember, weren't there these brothers years ago that the trial was popular? concerned he may grow up to be a humorist. Oh. These are the two worries. Remember, weren't there these brothers years ago? The trial was popular. The Menendez brothers? Yeah, yeah. And they had pullover sweaters and very expensive watches. So I would say, and I'm not an expert on parenting or crime, but I would say that you want to keep your eye out for those symptoms.

If your five-year-old comes home and he's got like a Rolex and he's got like a pullover sweater in more than one color and the same style, I think you might want to – Or if he's got like a Dave Barry t-shirt. So that's probably leaning a little towards humor. Then you know he's moving in the humorist direction. He's got a column in the Miami newspaper. Then I should be concerned. About like Venetian blinds or something. I met Dave Barry one time on the radio show West Coast Live I used to work for.

I didn't know you worked for West Coast Live. I did used to work for West Coast Live. I don't think I ever met you. I don't think you were ever on during the time that I worked there though. No. I don't remember meeting you there. No. I met Maya Angelou there.

Oh. I not only met Maya Angelou. Okay, wait. I hate to be one of those one- The Paula Poundstone of her generation. One-upping people. But here's the thing. Okay.

Not only did I meet Maya Angelou, but- She told you why the kids were insane. No. I met her. I met her. I met her on like a morning news show. Wait. I always screw this name up. Help me out.

I don't know if I can. Okay. Brilliant writer, made all in the family. Oh, sure. Simon Lear. Norman Lear. Norman Lear. Thank you.

Nailed it. Okay. Norman Lear. Norman Lear. Norman Lear. Thank you. Nailed it! Okay, Norman Lear... Thorne wins again! Point goes to Jesse. Alright. Norman Lear at one point had this idea to do like a talk show with an atheist and a Christian. The atheist

being me and the Christian being Maya Angelo. And so we had a meeting at his office and he happened to have some white wine in his refrigerator. I like where this is going. Paula, all your stories are so sexy! The project never

really went anywhere. You're probably wondering where that show ever went. Because I don't remember if Norman was drinking or not, but me and Maya Angelo just got drunk right there in his office. Wow. And I had a great time. And I accepted the Lord as my savior that day.

Wow. And you've been on the straight and narrow ever since. Yeah. Yeah. It was magical. Praise be. My boss at West Coast Live was a woman named Kathy Kamen Goldmark, who you may have met at some point at West Coast Live. And she was close friends with Maya Angelou.

They were like total buds. And I told the story about the psychic on the show before in Maya Angelou, right? Oh, right. Sure. And the psychic recognized Maya Angelou's voice, but it was just because she has one of the most recognizable voices. Yeah. Maya Angelou was convinced psychics were real because they had recognized her on the phone. And Kathy said to Maya Angelou, do you think it's possible you have a distinctive voice?

Yeah. So when I worked on West Coast Live, I don't remember what the point of that was. Oh, I interrupted. I know. I know everybody's here trading Maya Angelou stories one up on each other. Well. Pony up. Well.

Well. When you were in the army, you boned her. We had a little thing. We had a little thing. I wouldn't put it so crass like that, Jesse. You would say you had a little thing. We were consenting adults. Like a romantic dinner?

I mean, listen. I don't like to kiss and tell, especially when it comes to famous poetesses. Yeah. right. But, I mean, again, I don't think either of us was in a place to start anything serious. I talked about my torrid affair with Robert Frost. Well, I mean, that's your prerogative. So man-on-man action is okay. That's your prerogative.

That's you. I just like to play it a little closer to the vest. Let's just say Maya Angelou is hairless that's all I'll say that's all I'll say that's all I'll say

quite a revelation Dr. Maya Angelou sure keeps it tidy so here is the story that my son Oscar wrote. You guys can let me know if I should be concerned that he'll become a humorist or a murderer. It's called Bad Cow. I'm laughing already, by the way.

Well, wait until you hear the gag lines in this thing. Five-year-olds are very sophisticated humorists. Once upon a time, there was a cow. He liked to poop. There you go. He hated milk. Yeah. Once upon a time, there was a chicken.

He liked to go pee-pee. He hated eggs. Once upon a time, there was a farmer. He hated his animals, but he most hated his farm. And that most dumb cow and that most dumb chicken were dummies. Since they were dummies, they had to go to jail. And the jail person lit the farmer on fire.

The jail person. The end. Wow. The jail person lit the farmer on fire. The end. That's The jail person lit the farmer on fire. The end. That's what they call prison reform. I can't believe that there's not at least one pullover sweater in your kid's life. So my daughter.

Yeah, you're going to get killed with tap shoes. Jealous of this story. Throwing off a pier. My daughter has been trying to come up with schemes. She'd like to own a castle. Right. And, yeah. But she wants to get one through subterfuge.

She wants to own a castle because she's been forced to play ping pong at a teeny little table in a shed. Oh, yeah. She just needs space. She just fantasizes about, you know, big— I mean, what's the traditional way to acquire a castle, a coup d'etat, right? Yeah. I mean I'd say work for it. Beheadings?

Yeah, exactly. Some sort of paramilitary action. My daughter wants to own a castle and she and my father-in-law, her grandfather, looked at some real estate listings and she that the castle in Germany that she quite likes costs, I believe it was $3.5 million. Well, tell her. Well, I mean, just say. Seems like a decent value if you compare it to L.A. real estate prices, okay? Yeah, honestly.

Oh, boy. I wouldn't want to pay the heating bill. Sure. Okay. Oh, boy. I wouldn't want to keep those goats in Rose Bowl floats. Yeah. Where's this castle? Valencia?

Yeah, the exurbs. It's going to be quite a commute. So my daughter wants to buy a $3 million castle in Germany. Seems like a good investment. Now, needless to say, this is beyond my means to provide this for her. I try and provide many of the things she needs, but this is more of means to provide this for her. I try and provide many of the things she needs,

but this is more of a want than a need. Because I feel a little bit guilty about taking your goat camp thing, I'd like to toss your kid a castle in Germany. Oh, that's nice. A $3 million castle in Germany. That's really nice. It's just a little something I'd like to do. A little something, something.

Yeah, just a... Just break a piece off. Where are you going to have the goat pro? That's just the cream off the just a little something I'd like to do. A little something, something. Yeah. Just break a piece off. Where are you going to have the Goat Pro? That's just the cream off the top of my Goat Pro money. Where are you going to do the Goat Pro company retreats then if you don't have the castle anymore? Oh, yeah. Well, maybe your daughter would agree to host those. Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

Back of the moon. Does it have a farm? Well, I mean. I'd like to find out. So my daughter wants to get this castle. Yeah. And yesterday, I'm at my house, and a letter comes through the front door, slid under the front door that says Curtis on it. You know, envelope, sealed envelope.

Curtis is the name of my son who's almost two. Yeah. So I'm looking at this. I'm confused. He doesn't receive letters. There's no address on this. So I have the mailman. Really?

It's only a matter of time before credit card companies. Sure, yeah. My kid's starting to get mail real young because the credit card companies start hammering him. But this is the thing, Paula. He can accrue JetBlue miles. How many JetBlue miles does he have? Yeah, that's a good point.

I mean- Start accruing. He's mint, if that's what you're asking. I am not because I don't know what it means. Oh, it's up there. Yeah, that's one of the good JetBlue statuses. Oh, okay. It's not like gold platinum.

It's like mint. No, that's where you're sleeping in a pod. Yeah. No, you get – you go mint, you get a little special desk. A desk? Yeah. When you go to check in, you get a special desk. Yeah.

Oh, going to be mint. It's got a blotter, a pen sharpener, everything you need. Yeah, you get somebody – Desk lighter. The minute you step up, they know your name already. Oh, Mint customer Curtis. Good to see you. So Curtis got a letter.

And again, I want to be clear that Curtis is not Santy Claus. So you can't just write Curtis on a letter and then it'll be delivered to my home in Los Angeles, California. You don't think this was a postal carrier? No, I don't think this was a traditional postal carrier at all. Well, you can tell you guys have worked together for a long time because I didn't put that together at all. Yeah, well, you know. Jordan knew right away that what you were alluding to

is that there was no postal carrier involved. And I didn't come anywhere near getting that cryptic piece of information. Well, we've hosted a lot of podcasts and we've solved a lot of crimes. Yeah, clearly. Our deductive reasoning is peerless. Yeah. So I opened this letter. So I, again, I know Santy Claus.

That's a felony, by the way. You can just write Santy Claus. They'll bring it to the North Pole or to Macy's in the film Miracle at 34th Street. But they'll bring it. I mean, this is a felony, though. What you're saying, what you're talking about is a felony. Opening someone else's mail. Curtis asked me to.

Okay. Well, sure. All right. Yeah. I'd like to see that afterwards. Detective. Okay. All right.

I'd like to speak to my lawyer. This is Trump and Donald Jr. all over again. We need a detective for this. I call Trump. I open – Yes, I'm Trump. I open the letter and it was typewritten but sideways, which apparently you can do. Apparently you can type it the 11-inch way rather than the 8.5-inch way.

My daughter has a typewriter. I should mention this as well. My daughter has a typewriter. Like an electric typewriter. I bought it at the thrift store. It's not like a beautiful. This is like that Brady Bunch episode. It said, dear Curtis, I have your flashlight.

your flashlight you will not see it again unless you put one million dollars in this envelope and return it to Gracie Thorne wow I wonder who did it

no way to know I know I've reached the edge of my detector skills this is a cold case we gotta refer this over to Karen Kilgariff I've reached the edge of my detective skills. Yeah, I don't know. This is a cold case. Yeah. Wow. We've got to refer this over to Karen Kilgariff and see if those murderinos can get to the bottom of this. You already have a kid that's got, like, kidnapping skills. Well, I've got one murder, one immolator, and one kidnapper. Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Jesse, here's the thing. I know you're worried about getting set on fire. Yes. Just don't be a dum-dum who pees and poos. Okay. Just listen, man. It ain't that hard. Just don't go down the road of a dum-dum who likes to pee and poo.

Well, what if I run into a jail person and it's a case of mistaken identity? Tell you what, one of your kids is going to run into a jail person. Thank you. Sounds like they're going to be dealing with a case of mistaken identity. Tell you what, one of your kids is going to run into a jail person. Thank you. Sounds like they're going to be dealing with a lot of jail people. You know, I'm often mistaken for a farmer because of my corn pone humor. Right, sure. Yeah, you're going to die by fire. I mean, there's no getting around that.

Just accept it. Okay. Well, you know, you do what you can. You play the cards you're dealt and you hope for the best. And that's what I'm doing here. And if you don't hear from me for a few weeks, just know that my children murdered me. Yeah. You were kidnapped by a humorist.

What's going to happen? Get Dave Barry on the line. Tell him it's Kathy's old friend, Jesse Thorne. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Hey there, folks. I'm writer and performer Dave Holmes, and I host International Waters, where we pair a team of comedians in L.A. against a team of comedians in London in a pop culture trivia battle royale. Comedians like Elizabeth Lane. Can I ask you, is that a chasm or a chasm that you just discovered between you and Joe?

It's a chasm. Nobody says chasm. Nice try. Do you say chasm? Were you trying to soft pitch your idea of saying Chasm? Well, I've just learned something again. April Richardson. In high school, I cut my hair really short. But in between, I got a mullet as a joke. Like, I went to the place and I was like, okay, cut it all except the back and I'll have that for like a day.

And then I started like getting my feelings hurt. So people were like openly laughing at me. And many more. Join us every other week on International Waters with me, Dave Holmes. Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Paula Sugarpurse Poundstone. Sugarpurse! Sugarpush! Sugarpush! Sugarpush! I said it wrong. Sugarpush. Sugarpurse was fine.

Sugarpurse would be really great. It's not an inappropriate name that an old man calls his nurse. Sugarpush is a dance dance move in swing dance. And at one point I thought I had mastered it. And so I took on the moniker, Paula Sugar Push Poundstone. Are you out there swing dancing with Bill Nye the Science Guy? No, we learned from the same person. Oh, yeah.

But no, I have not danced with Bill. That'd be a treat. I don't think. Did I? I don't think so. Again, this is not danced with Bill. That'd be a treat. I don't think. Did I? I don't think so. Again, this is a really sexy show. If I did, it was once at a Christmas show, maybe last year. I heard from someone recently who went to a wedding that Bill Nye the Science Guy was at said,

Bill Nye just took a round on the floor with every lady in attendance. Really, basically, they had to turn the lights on to get Bill Nye, the science guy. Bill, put those ladies down. Paula, every year on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we dedicate ourselves... I mean, this is sort of a year-round pursuit for us, but we see ourselves both as entertainers... Yes.

...and as inspirational figures. Like I think a lot of our audience look to us when they're facing troubled times, as many of us are these days, and they want us to give them grist for their inspirational mill. They want to be driven to greater heights through our eloquence and diction. Yeah. And diction? Yeah. Diction meaning word choice rather than diction meaning elocution. Yeah, yeah.

Because my – for example, earlier when I said Paula Sugarpush Poundstone, I sort of slurred it. And I said Paula Sugarpush Poundstone. And that would – that's not elevating. No. No. That's frankly demeaning. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Push instead of purse. I think you should apologize to purses. Unless it's Dia de los Muertos, the Mexican Day of the Dead, in which case you might buy a purse made out of sugar. That's true. Yeah. That sounds appropriate. For your ofrenda. Buy a purse made out of sugar.

That's true. Yeah. That sounds appropriate. For your ofrenda. So in our goal to be inspirational, every year we pick a slogan. And it's kind of a moniker, kind of a – what's the word I'm looking for? Something you repeat to yourself. A mantra.

A mantra. Kind of a mantra you can use throughout the year when times are tough. In no way a useless platitude. No. Very useful. We recommend people get these as full back tats. Yeah. People have not been doing it, honestly. But we recommend that.

That's our recommendation. I mean, every time, you know, you go on Facebook and people are like, oh, 2018, what a trash fire. Good riddance, 2018. I mean, I always get there in the comments and I'm like, well, did you get the back tat? Yeah. And the answer is always no. We also recommend, by the way, that they get a hand mirror because once you get the hand mirror, you can put it behind the back, face the bathroom mirror, and you can kind of – if you squiggle around a little bit, you can read the inspirational words that you've had tattooed on your back for that year. You're going to have to squirgle, give it a little sugar push. Yeah. But eventually you'll get there.

So we came up with some great ideas on the show with our friends Mike Mitchell and Nick Weiger of the Doughboys podcast. I mean, mine was the best idea. But, you know, sometimes the best idea doesn't win. So I think we should go from the lowest score to the best score. We put these up for a vote in our Facebook group, on our Facebook page, I should say. vote in our Facebook group, on our Facebook page, I should say. And there was a response to this like you wouldn't believe, Jordan. Is there any – Triple digits.

Is there any campaigning for – is there any sort of election where people – maybe door-to-door kind of stuff? Well, there's certainly no electioneering allowed within 50 feet of a polling place. No, but I mean – That's the law. I don't want to introduce you to a prison person. Yeah. One is standing by.

If it's a back tat, then no one would know. If it was, say, for example, you know, let me think, you know, climb every incline, you know, and I'm borrowing that a little bit from Sound of Music. But if that, you know. Ina climb. And say it was up against follow every Greek. These are actually better than the ones we came up with. I'm borrowing this a little bit also from Sound of Music. Let's say your slogan was bow a deer.

Yeah, exactly. Let's say you're 16 going on 17. Yeah, I'm borrowing a little bit. 2017. Yeah. I'm borrowing a little bit. But now, among the listeners, might someone go door to door and try to gin up support for follow every creek above, climb every creek? Yeah. I mean, I think, yeah, there was a lot of people.

I mean, people got boots on the ground. They went out there and did- That's what you got to do. You got to start organizing. You got to. And by the way- Grassroots. You got to do it two years at a time at least. Yeah. You got to build the ground. They went out there and did – That's what you got to do. You got to start organizing. And by the way, you got to do it two years at a time at least. You got to build a ground game. The minute the president is elected, you got to start working on the next campaign.

You know, it's funny that you should bring up the sound of music because while that has not happened to this point, we have not had people campaigning for specific slogans. For a while, Julie Andrews was campaigning against our show, Door to Door. No. Yeah, just going door to door, letting people know. Yeah, she's like, give me your phone, and she would go through the app and see if people were subscribed. It's just two white guys. They don't really talk about anything.

There's so many inside jokes, but there's too many episodes to start from the beginning yeah um she really nailed a lot of the reason they're frankly at best a legacy act right exactly um they're the chicago if you're gonna listen to a show like this speaking of chicago why not just listen to jimmy pardo jimmy pardo You know, when Julie Andrews, and I'm not the first person to say this, when Julie Andrews gets a bit between her teeth. Oh, yeah. She chomps. Yeah. And she runs with it.

I tried to feed Julie Andrews a sugar cube once. And the thing is, you got to lay the palm flat. No, she probably almost took your fingers. I'll tell you. That was not a joke about Julie Andrews' appearance. She's a lovely woman. She's wonderful. I thought we were just doing like a horse thing. It was not about her appearance. No, she didn't die. I think she's probably

fine. She is fine. Remember was it two years ago? Okay, Lady Gaga. It was the first time I knew Lady Gaga could sing. She sang The Sound of Music on the Academy Awards. Oh, yeah. And Julie Andrews came out on stage to present.

And she turned and she said, my dear Lady Gaga. And I just melted. It was the best line of the entire Academy Awards that year. And I realized that that's what I want. That would be – my life would feel complete if I could ever have Julie Andrews to go, you know, my dear Paula Poundstone. And now it turns out, though, she doesn't like this show, and so the likelihood is that Yeah, probably decreased.

Yeah, you're probably making her mad by appearing on this show. I think she was a squid monster in Aquaman. Yes, that's true. Blake Edwards, her husband, passed away. I will say this. I have a friend who is a chef. Enough said. For a long time she was.

Yum, yum. Order up. Ding. This is fun, right? For a long time, she was a personal chef, and for some time, she was... She was a personal chef? What does that mean? She was a personal chef.

Open up! She was a private chef. She was a private chef. She would do the airplanes coming into the hangar. Right, yeah. So you got personal chef is where... She worked in homes. She just insists that you sample.

She worked in homes. She worked in the homes of people who could afford to have a chef on staff. Oh. And she worked for a time... Well, that's'd sample. She worked in homes. She worked in the homes of people who could afford to have a chef on staff. Oh. And she worked for a time. Well, that's me now. In the family. Yeah, no, you got all your fucking goat pro.

Goat pro. Yeah. That's its famous line. You can talk. Yay, she talked the talk. The thing sells itself. She worked for a time for Blake Edwards

and Julie Andrews. Really? For several years and their family, their children and so forth. And was like, basically she just said, um, you know how you wish Julie Andrews would be like that all the time. Uh, and I was like, yes. And she's like, yeah, she is.

She's just the most lovely, gracious human being you could ever. I don't see how she couldn't be. Okay. So we had slogans. And we put them up for a vote, Paula. We put them up for a vote. Coming in at – Nobody – how do you solve a problem like Maria?

Where do you begin? I honestly couldn't tell you. Where do you begin? Darling, she's a – We don't really solve problems on this podcast. She's a demon. She's a lamb. Yeah.

No, I just- Once we started down that road, I just couldn't help interrupting with- It's a classic. It's a classic. How do you solve a problem with Maria? You're a ray of golden sun. Yeah, I don't- A drop of golden sun?

God damn it. I have confidence in sunshine. Okay. I have confidence in sunshine. Okay. I have confidence in rain. Okay. Sorry. Coming in last. Coming in last.

With 4.1% of the vote was eat more junk, store it in the trunk, which I don't remember even coming up. I think Brian was just throwing a couple on the tail here just to make the voting more interesting. Brian's trying to punch our shit up. But, you know what? I don't hate it. Why doesn't Brian make our show better? Someone added it. Okay. Someone added

it? Apparently someone... Is it like Wikipedia? Can someone just go on your Facebook page? And got 4% of the fucking vote. Oh my gosh. We shouldn't yell out the password on the end of every show. Honestly, people are... Who knows what people are posting. That's a mistake right there. Professional NPR host. Father of three. Local business leader.

Necktie owner. That's quite a... All right, you only... These are accolades. You're just trying to... Yeah. Don't try and build yourself up. You only...

The only one you beat is the one the guy added surreptitiously. You've only accounted for 10% of the vote, by the way. So there's got to be a big one coming up. Fly, baby, fly. Sure. Which was my suggestion. Fly, baby, fly. I like it because it's very positive.

And it's punchy. Yeah. Yeah. And coming in ahead of that, Jill Stein, actually. I was running natural law party. Sure, yeah. At 15.7%, talk to a narwhal. Which I also don't remember.

Me either. I think that is another one that someone just wrote in there. Could be. Brian says no. That was okay. That was Mitch. Mitch suggested that. Who's Mitch?

He was one of our guests. I'm here with Jesse and Jordan, and I know nothing of Mitch. Mitch is a cool guy. You and Mitch should hang out. What is his nickname? Mitch. Mitch. Whoa.

I think his name on the show is the Pizza Man. Yeah. He's really thinking outside of the box. I don't know how you feel about pizza, but- I like pizza. The thing about Mitch is he's kind of like us, only his show has a premise, is successful, and is funny. Yeah.

Ooh, natural charm, too. Yeah, so natural. What's the name of Mitch's show? Dough Boys. The Dough Boys. They review chain restaurants. They're is funny. Natural charm too. What's the name of Mitch's show? Dough Boys. They review chain restaurants. Finally the Dough Boys get a plug on our show. They review chain restaurants? Wouldn't it be nice if just once they plugged our show?

That would be nice. We'd double our audience. We'd get five new listeners. That would be great. I could actually hook you up. I could give you Mitch's email if you want to go on. I don't have a chain restaurant. He I could actually hook you up. I could give you Mitch's email if you want to go on. It's probably more fun. Just so you know, he doesn't really reply to emails. Yeah, but I don't have a chain restaurant.

How would talking to Mitch help me in any way? That's true. You're right. Yeah. It's good that Jesse and I own Applebee's, so we actually had a reason to be on the show. Anyway, so number two coming in. Number two is eating good in the neighborhood. At 31.4%.

Was this your suggestion, Jordan? I think this came up naturally. Yeah. Rise like a... By which you mean we forced it? Yes. Rise like a chud. Rise like a chud, a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller.

The chuds. Enough of them. This one jumped out to an early lead. Love those chuds. I, the Chuds. This one jumped out to an early lead. Love those Chuds. I also love Chuds. This one jumped out to an early lead, but then it was revealed in the comments thread that on some other podcast,

that's what, like, internet troll alt-right guys are called on some other podcast. Oh, so we don't need it. We don't need it. Well, I'm glad Chuds I have chuds in this booth. If we need to talk about a movie that our friend Gene's dad was in, we'll stick to the stuff. Sure.

Oh, I'm sad that we can't talk about chuds anymore. Anyway, this is the worst thing the alt-right's ever done. Yeah. They ruined chud talk. Yeah. The winner, Jordan. And I have that podcast chud chat

and that's gonna wreck that it's gonna go yeah it's gonna go away all of my chud investments are gone now they're gone

I misunderstood chud chat is co-hosted it's hosted by you of course Paul the co-host is Martha Stewart's pony Ban Chunch Ban Chunch?

not familiar not familiar Martha Stewart's pony Ban Chunch? remember Chud what Not familiar. Not familiar. Write this through its phone. Ban Chunch? Remember Chud Everett from Medical Center. That was a good show. We got to get Lisa Honowalt back on here to talk more about Ban Chunch. Lisa Honowalt's the world's top Ban Chunch expert.

Who is Lisa Honowalt? She's an acclaimed cartoonist. I feel like I am really walking in the footsteps of giants. She's an acclaimed cartoonist and executive producer of the hit show BoJack Horseman,

who created the visual language of the program, and the co-host of the smash hit MaxFunPodcast, Baby Geniuses. Wow. Alongside Emily Heller,

who just sold a TV show. Congratulations. Oh, for heaven's sakes. Boy, these guys are really taking off. 42.3% of the vote. The world champion, your 2019 Jordan Jesse Go slogan

as suggested by the naturally charming Mike Mitchell, not one of us, the hosts of this show who work sort of hard on it every week is... Hit the streets. Hit the streets, baby. Hit the streets. Hit the streets.

How do you feel about hit the streets, Paula? I like hit the streets. It's got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps feeling to it. I feel it is inspirational. Yeah. And it's got an up feeling. Yeah. I'm entirely supportive of Hit the Streets.

I think it's great. Well, 2018 was Roll Over and Die. In hindsight. Yeah. I think that just, you know, right. Yeah. And I've already got the tat on my back. Yeah.

And it was oppressive. It was oppressive. Every time I had my hand mirror and I, what did I do? I scooched. Well, you got to do a little sugar push. Yeah. And I did a little sugar push after my shower. Give it a shake of the sh after my shower to be able to see

the, yeah, roll over and die was just not uplifting. You gotta get that hand mirror back there. Yeah. The old shake and bake. I don't think you put it, you wouldn't put the hand mirror behind you, by the way. You would put it in front of you. You're right. No, I think you're looking

in the bathroom mirror. You seem like a really smart guy, but apparently you're using your hand mirror incorrectly. There's something about mirrors that you just don't understand. You get the bathroom mirror in front of you, Paula. No, you turn around. The vanity mirror. No, if you turn around, you'll just keep turning around in a circle because your whole body's turning around. It'll stay behind you.

No, you turn around and there's a hand there in front of you. It's like when I put my five-year-old on my back and then I go like, hey, wait a minute. Where did Oscar go? And then I turn around in circles because I can't see him. That's what would happen if you just tried to turn around and look at your back. How do you see his back, Tat? So, Paula, you're telling me. Let me get – okay.

I don't mean to patronize you, Paula, because you're extraordinarily rich in addition to being a comedy legend. As a result of today's show. And the host of the Smash Hit podcast, nobody listens to Paul Attenborough. Yeah. Yeah. Your plan is to take a hand mirror. Yeah. Throw it behind your body.

No, you don't – body no that was you you said go behind you stand in front you put your back to your bathroom mirror you have the hand mirror in front of you and you see your back I'm sick of you guys using hand mirrors for this

puritanical mumbo jumbo when in reality what they're for is exploring your body. Thank you, Jordan. Parts of your body that aren't your back, but the parts that society is telling us. Aren't beautiful. No, don't.

Ew, dirty. The chode. I don't need a hand mirror. The chode, the chud. I don't use a hand mirror for that. I use a catalog. Yeah. So, yeah. that. I use a catalog. Yeah. So, yeah.

That nasty Sears catalog. There's no part of my body that I can't see that I would like to. Yeah. I feel that most of my body is like my garage. Covered in Christmas lights. No. I shut the door. I know there's stuff in there, but I don't need to see it.

Sure. That's my feeling. Yeah. It's good to know that you have stuff. Yeah. I've got plenty of stuff in there. Yeah. For an emergency.

You don't have a ping pong table. That's one thing you don't have. No, not in my garage. That's in the yard. Not in my do-rage. It's out in the yard. Yeah. Yeah.

Brian, are you going to have this Hit the Streets t-shirt ready? This is going to be at PutThisOnShop.com. So Brian is, when working on this t-shirt, he gave it- Max Fun Store Put This On Shop? Thank you. MaxFunStore.com. Thank you. A lot of the really heavy lifting on this show falls to Brian for some reason.

Yeah, it's like he's some kind of producer. Yeah, yeah. Well, almost. Look, we give this guy four figures every month. Whoa. Yeah. One, two, three, four. Count them, yeah. Well, almost. Look, we give this guy four figures every month. Whoa. Yeah. One, two, three, four. Count them, Paula. Count them. This guy's paid in the shade.

He doesn't need to write screenplays. You know who makes the most money on Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone? It's the guy I pay for security. Your muscle? Yeah, yeah. That guy does a bad job, too. Yeah.

He's a very nice man. Did he not walk you out? Did he not keep you safe? He was very confused when I walked up. It took probably 90 seconds. Paula records her show, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone, deep in the valley.

In the inner valley. Yeah, in a recording studio. In the inner valley. Yeah. In a recording studio on a questionable side street. I think we talked it over. It's a discarded mattress part of town. Yes. That is a perfect distillation. Yeah, it is.

And the front window does not look in on a recording studio. It looks in on a room that appears to have been ransacked. Like there's a picture window to the street that you look through and it's just books on the floor. But that's what I'm saying is when you arrive at the street address, Paula, there's a building. Yeah. There's multiple units. Yeah. The unit that has a window facing the street.

Oh. You look inside thinking, is this the Paula Poundstone studio? Yeah. And it looks like a burglar has just been through, followed by a family of raccoons. Yeah. Well, that may well be. And meanwhile, I'm looking through this window thinking, how did these raccoons get in there? And where's Paula Poundstone?

And then after I've been doing that. And you know what I'm thinking when I hear this story? I'm thinking, raccoon cam. Why didn't I think raccoon cam? Oh my gosh, I could be making so much money. But you do wash your food before you eat it though, right? No, do they? Yeah.

The raccoons? All right, wait, I interrupted. Okay, so you got there to the questionable area. I've been looking through this raccoon window. Yeah. When they're a raccoon, this wasn't even entertaining. Yeah. Fifteen seconds and this young man comes up to me and says,

uh, are you Jesse Thorne? So you feel the fact that you've been looking through the window for fifteen... I think, Paula... But he's not in charge of that window. But he's in charge of ushering me in. He was a very nice young man. You think he was supposed to identify you as... you know, he's not a psychic, Jesse.

He's not like the person who worked with Maya Angelou. If only I had some distinguishing feature that would help people recognize me while standing on a shady street in the valley. He had no idea what you looked like. I didn't know what you looked like until you walked in, until you walked, until you strode into that studio totally protected by my security man. He did have a machine gun, which I was impressed by. He did not have a machine gun. He did have a machine gun. He does not have a machine gun. He has a hand mirror.

He has a single hand mirror that he uses to explore his body, which is beautiful. Yeah. Welcome to our podcast ourselves. I'm Jesse Thorne. MaxFunStore.com, the image, the T-shirt that Brian designed for Take It to the Streets has like a cool 80s noir vibe. Yeah. Like a Michael Mann movie. Maybe Thief?

Sure. What's a Michael Mann movie? I don't know that. Thief? He made the movie Thief. He made Last of the Mohicans. Heat? No.

Heat. I didn't see any of those. Heat. Ali. Did you see the movie Ali? I didn't. I saw the poster. Does that count?

Did you see the movie Miami Vice based on the television show Miami Vice? No, I didn't see that. Did you see the television show Miami Vice? No, never did. You know, I didn't watch TV for, I didn't watch primetime TV for a long time. You know what? I didn't watch, I really have not watched primetime TV since Radar Left Mash. Wow.

Okay. Well, Michael's not your man. Oh yeah? Yeah. Because that's important to him, those things. Yeah, well well we listed him on the bulk of his filmography

Collateral did you see the movie Collateral I didn't see Collateral I recommend Thief that's one of my favorites was Julie Andrews in it because I've seen

a lot of her films she is good in everything though yeah yeah well we've covered all that territory

sure we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. Listen, we already know that you love genre movies, film craft, and female filmmakers. So if you love all those things, then by transitive property, you love my podcast, Switchblade Sisters. Hi, I'm film critic April Wolf. Every week I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their favorite genre film. Each episode covers the filmmaking process, working in the film industry, and just like general geeking out about awesome movies.

I've had such great guests like the big sick writer Emily Gordon. To me, indie movies as of late have come to be a catch-all term for a movie that kind of defies genre. Billy Madison and half-baked director Tamara Davis. When a comedian comes and enters onto my set, they're just there to be funny. And we're all ready and waiting for them to be funny. Horror industry veteran and actor Barbara Crampton. That's where real drama lies for me. What's between you and I speaking right now?

Where are we meeting? And what's the energy that we create between us? And so many others. So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Paula, sugar push pound stone. Paula emphatically bringing the nickname this time. Yeah. Punctuating it with a drop of an empty Diet Cola can into her insulated shoulder can. What's that called?

A cooler. I bring like my own little cooler. Yeah, you're ready for a camp out. Looks like Paula's going to a college football game. I just worry that I'm going to run out of beverages. It's a concern. We were talking about old television shows, and I just want to say that I have all the old Perry Masons on both DVD and video.

You said that as the, you know. Of course. Who wouldn't know that? I'm Paula Poundstone, the Perry Mason gal. I'm Paula Sugarpush Poundstone, and I've watched a lot of Perry Mason. Okay. And the one – the disc that I have on my disc player right now has this episode, and I don't remember the name of it or what year it's from.

But – okay. Perry and Della, right? Perry Mason. And Della Reese. And Della Reese, right? Perry Mason. And Della Reese. And they go on to the – they think that there might be a woman. As they keep saying, they think there might be a woman who is dazed and confused on this property. Because their client was in a car wreck with a woman and she like fell out of the car. And he went to his car to get a flashlight.

When he came back, it appeared to be a different woman. So now they've decided that the original woman who fell out of the car must be wandering around the grounds, dazed and confused. So they go to this rich guy's house to his property to look and the alarms go off and they set the dogs after them and they have to run out. But my favorite thing is they keep using that phrase without explaining it as well as I just have to you as to why they think there's a woman. They just keep going. So at one point they call. They have the phone at the gate, you know, after it closes and they call and they go. They say, we think there might be a woman confused and dazed on your grounds. You have to call off your dog so we can look for her.

And then the person says, no, I'm not going to do that. And they go, well, it's on you then because if that confused and dazed woman gets hurt, it's your fault. And then even in the court, Perry calls Della as a witness and he says, you know, explain what we did the other night. We went to the grounds of this rich guy's house looking for a woman who was confused and dazed. I just love – no, it was dazed and confused. And they just kept – so some writer wrote that phrase over and over again and thought, yeah, that's a good idea. And this was before old Rick Linklater made it. I wonder, is that a legal term that they were using and that's what the Richard Linklater movie is pulling from?

I don't know. Is there a Richard Linklater movie called Dazed and Confused? Yes. It's a very young Matthew McConaughey famous. I didn't know that. I thought it was Dallas Buyers Club is what I know him from. It's a wonderful

film. I thought you started saying it's a wonderful life and I was going to say that was Jimmy Stewart, not Matthew McConaughey. I think that was, why did he keep playing those bongos then? That was my Bill Clinton, Jimmy Stewart impression when he was doing Matthew McConaughey's catchphrase. That was really good. Can I just say

not only is Dazed and Confused a wonderful film, so is its spiritual sequel, Everybody Wants Some! Underappreciated Richard Linklater film, Jordan. I've never heard of any of these. It's like I'm from a different era than you guys or something.

Well, I've never heard of Perry Mason. I have heard of Perry Mason. Of course you've heard of Perry Mason. It was the beginning of a genre. We previously were peers until you pulled a power move on LegalZoom.com. Yeah, now we're at each other's throats. Did you notice when I dropped my can, it rolled down the floor from the upended corner of the room that I'm in. Because physics has no meaning in this crazy space.

Anyway. Guys, I have to go home to my family, so let's wrap this thing up. Of course you've got to go home to your family. Your kid's right now writing some sort of manifesto that your wife is translating. I mean, your wife didn't give notes during the translation? She didn't say, honey, maybe. She's like a court reporter. She's sworn a vow.

Yeah, she just. This is just factual. Like, hey, maybe the farmer can take the jail person. Maybe the jail person can just teach the. Nope. Yeah. Fire. Death by fire.

She just, whatever the kid wants, she does. I really think a good ping pong table could have been the solution to a lot of these family ills. What about a less tortuous death, she might say? Oh, a nice smothering maybe. A firing squad. A nice quiet smothering. Drowning is supposed to be euphoric. Oh, interesting.

I didn't realize that. Sounds fun. Please don't sue me when someone drowns everyone who listens to this show. Jordan Jesse Go is the name of the program. The hashtag on Twitter, hashtag JJGo. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.

Reddit.com. You can find us on Facebook where you just search for Jordan Jesse Go or you can join the MaxFun Facebook group there. You can find us on Twitter where, Paula, you're at Paula Poundstone, right? There's no tricks there.

No tricks at all at Paula Poundstone. I follow the great Paula Poundstone on Twitter. You know what I think it is? A barrel of laughs, Jordan. Probably a lot of good stuff on there. I'm very flattered. A lot of nice material going down in there. I just started using Instagram

because I'm trying to relate to the younger people. Yeah. Sure. I think they're going to love all the Perry Mason observations. Yeah. Yeah. I should put a little clip there. I should just put Della saying, there's a woman.

Dazed and confused. Dazed and confused woman on your property. That could be a meme. That's a new meme. Such a funny thing to say repeatedly. They got me dazed and confused like. Yeah. Exactly.

It's just a picture of Perry Mason. Or SpongeBob. Yeah. Perry Mason have a signature suit in court, a white suit maybe. No, no, I never wore it. You're thinking of Matlock. Matlock. You know, the hairstylist on Perry Mason, and yes, I do know, is Annabelle.

I was asking you this question. Annabelle is the name. And I had a cat named Annabelle. Was she the hairstylist on Perry Mason at all? My cat did Raymond Bird's hair. Talk about a brush with greatness. You just put a little bit of- Did you hear when Paul was going to talk about a brush with greatness?

Oh, I sure did. Yeah to talk about a brush with greatness? Oh, I sure did. Yeah, that's right. Talk about a brush with greatness. Rub a little pate in their hair. Yeah. No, my cat used to do my son's hair. She used to, you know, make it all... He'd be sleeping when he was a baby, and she'd make all of his hair go in the same direction.

Really? Yeah. And then one night I noticed that my cat Annabelle used to do that. And people would say to me, his hair looks so nice. How'd he get it like that? And I said, cat spit. And then one night I saw that Annabelle what if, I mean that can't be a coincidence. That's just, science doesn't

allow for such coincidence. Almost certainly the case. Our producer Brian Sonny D. Fernandez you can find. Oh my god I love the Sonny D. ads. Those are good. Where did those go, huh? Yeah.

Maybe they're still on. I don't know. Your mom got Sonny D. Don't you remember those? Yeah. Those kids didn't want purple stuff. They didn't want cola, a bottle labeled cola. You know that thing you see?

They say we're the trophy generation. We're really the fuck purple stuff generation. Yeah, fuck purple stuff. Yeah, find us at the honeycomb hideout chugging our Sunny D. There's nothing that mother could have done. Like, you know, usually as a mom, you know, your kids are kind of embarrassed of you. You know, when your kids get a little

bit older, that'll be their feeling a little bit embarrassed to your parents. But, you know, you bring that Sunny D home and all of a sudden your mom got Sunny D. And all of a sudden, your mom got Sonny D. And all of a sudden, you are that hip mom on the block. Your mom got Sonny D.

Wait, did these commercials start Jimmy J.J. Walker? No, that's how they said it. Your mom got Sonny D. I'm telling you, that's a quote. I remember them peering into the refrigerator. That's like the – and sliding aside.

As though all refrigerators have a series of beverages in a column going from the front to the back of the – So you have to separate them. Yeah. And they edited out a lot of what the kids have been saying earlier. That means, you're my da whore. Just total disrespect for the mother. There's a longer version of that commercial, too, that's really mean. Your mom forgot to pick us up because she's out whoring around.

And then they come in and they see, your mom got Sonny D. To run it uncut after the Nelly tip drill video. Right. It's on USAelly tip drill video. Right. It's on USA's Up All Night. Yeah. Starting Rhonda Shear. You can see the unedited Sonny D commercial. Paula is the host of the Smash Hit podcast.

Nobody listens to Paula Poundstone with the great Adam Felber. The delightful Adam Felber on which experts and guests come onto the program and then you basically tell them what you have learned from them is that a good summary? yeah kind of I like to say I reinforce

yeah I got to go on the show I had a great time beautiful part of the valley yeah the inner, the inner valley. Yeah, the inner valley. We're in the inner valley. The core, the beating heart of the valley. There's a confused trombonist there, as I recall. A beautiful dog.

A wonderful, a very sweet dog. Yeah, I bring my dog. This is the kind of show you should be listening to, folks. It's got a trombonist, a dog. We don't always have a trombonist, you know? We have a different house band each episode. A teen who can't be bothered to Google image search me. He was a very nice young man.

He wasn't supposed to Google image search. He's supposed to be security. He's not supposed to. We never told him, like, look up who's coming. He should have, though. Oh, I see. I mean, he doesn't have to look up the trombone guy, but I'm a VIP, Jordan. Yeah. Very important person. I mean, he doesn't have to look up the trombone guy, but I'm a VIP, Jordan. Yeah.

Very important person. I love it. You waited. You were looking in the window for 15 seconds, and you felt like that was too long to— Well, with all the murmurings and immolations going on in the intervallum. It's a little empirical if you ask me. I waited for 15 seconds. Paula, thank you for coming on Jordan and Jesse Go.

We will talk to you all next time on our show. Thank you. I want you to know that Brian came and got me out front right away. And when I said to him, I said, back off. I'd like 15 seconds to myself. I need to peer into this window. Yeah, he was like right on top of me. Like, oh my God. But I didn't realize he was

making the four figures. That explains that. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse Go. was making the four figures. That explains that. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.