Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 566: Who's Munching Whom with Alison Becker

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

Alison Becker (Parks and Recreation, Bubble, other stuff) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the international school in Switzerland where Alison went to high school with kids of oil magnates and oligarchs, the uncomfortable time Jordan and his family had during the extended cunnilingus scene in Mary Queen of Scots when they saw it together over the holidays, and the tricky task of buying your mom a gift and what everyone got their moms for Christmas.   Get your SF Sketchfest tickets now! • Judge John Hodgman is on Friday at 7pm at the Castro Theatre! • Bubble is on Friday at 10:30pm at Cobb's Comedy Club! • Jordan, Jesse, Go! is on Sunday at 1pm at The Punchline! (Now announcing TONY HALE and JOHN RODERICK as guests!) If you come to all three shows, you have the chance to win the ACTUAL "Destroy the West" robot from the show. AND if you are in the bay area and play an instrument and can come to the JJGo show on Sunday, please get in touch with us! [e-mail]

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alison Becker, today's guest. Oh, she's just throwing herself in right at the top. Because I'm not supposed to at the top. No, but you know, that's not how we usually, but here's the thing.

But make yourself at home, Bex. No, but you know, that's not how we usually, but here's the thing. But make yourself at home, Bex. Here's the thing. You're jumping in at the top of the show. You're sitting in my chair. I have literally, in the years we've been doing this show, never sat in this chair. Jordan, why didn't you tell me that? Because I want you to be comfortable.

How long have you known Jordan? Well, here's the thing. Would he tell you that? You're right. He wouldn't tell me that. I'm accommodating. I'll just bring it up weirdly on the thing. Would he tell you that? You're right. He wouldn't tell me that. No. I'm accommodating. I'll just bring it up weirdly on the show. Secretly resent you. For a bubble, I sat

in this chair. That's true. So I got comfortable with this chair. No, and I want you gave a great performance in that and I, you know, I want you to bring that level of... I already sound like such an asshole. No, our guest is actress, writer,

improviser. Interrupter. Allison Becker from Bubble and Parks and Recreation, many other venues that you may know her from. Jon Bon Jovi concerts. Yeah, everyone. Welcome to the show, Allison. Thank you for making yourself at home in Jordan's chair. Thanks for having me.

I'm also not wearing pants. There's a lot of stuff happening today. Sure. We had two notable clothing situations. Number one, you and I have a Jordan Jesse Go show coming up at SF Sketch Fest. We sure do. So we got together a little early to write a few gags for the show and as you know jordan jesse goes pretty tightly scripted we'll do one through just by the script and then we'll

we'll brian will let us do a couple for us yeah it's the vince vaughn method of working and um in this case we're both vince vaughn yeah but like vince vaughn mid-90s oh yeah we're not that bloated no we're not sadly i'm contemporary vince vaughn and j90s. Oh, yeah. We're not that bloated. No, we're not. Sadly, I'm contemporary Vince Vaughn. And Jordan is dramatic actor serial killer Vince Vaughn. Great. Yeah. Do you want to be Jurassic Park 2 Vince Vaughn? Sure.

That sounds fun. We're all picking a Vaughn. So Jordan and I got together to write a few gags. And our producer Brian- I should say all three of us will be at SF Sketch Fest this weekend. That's true. So get those fucking tickets, assholes. Get those tickets.

Don't fuck this up. He's fired up because I'm not in his chair. I'm in this grouchy, this chair and me have a weird connection. I would like to tell

the listening audience that all of the chairs are identical. That's true. It's not like it's a comfier chair. But it has my stink on it. I want my own stink.

Brian Fernandez was 30 minutes late for our writing. Good. Yeah. Brian is a punctual man. He is. So that's off-brand for him. Yeah. I don't need to roast him.

He's not a pumpkin seed, Jordan. He's a punctual man. Sure. He's a punctual. You know, the most famous thing that everyone roasts. It's not a chicken. You don't need to dunk on him. He's not an Oreo. You know, the most famous thing that everyone roasts. It's not a chicken. You don't need to dunk on him. He's not an Oreo.

Good one, Jordan. Thank you. I don't even have kids. Yeah. I'm getting home, man. Gotta get a son. So Brian's about 25 minutes late, and I start getting worried because Brian's always on time. Sure, yeah.

I texted Brian. You've heard about this hashtag, LA rain? I thought you were going to say you've heard about texting. We have to add, yeah. Now, what's a Kimoji? I have not heard of this hashtag, but it does not surprise me that it exists. You know, when it rains outside, everyone freaks out a little bit. And normally it's unreasonable.

But Brian texted me back. I texted Brian, like, are you okay? Are you coming or whatever? He texted me back. Yeah, sorry, running late. Heading in right now. Had to stop at home for a rain emergency. My shoe got soaked.

His shoe got soaked. A deep puddle. Brian's half an hour late because of a deep puddle? Yeah, but you couldn't go through the rest of your day. If you were wearing canvas shoes and they were soaked, that's your whole day. Yeah. Well, you didn't have to worry about getting soaked. You came in in a ski jacket.

I had a ski jacket. Lift tickets and all. There's literally still lift tickets. Lift tickets from 2010 on Alison Becker's ski jacket. I'm having work done in my apartment so all my clothes are piled on top of my bed and I just grabbed the first jacket I could find, which was a ski jacket circa

2007. That would be great if you came in in a Lil Devil costume and you're like, sorry, first thing on my bed, my apartment's getting worked on. And then you're like, poke, poke, poke, poke. Yeah, that's true. That would be a lot of fun.

What was the second clothing emergency? The second clothing emergency was you only could find a ski jacket with a lift tag. I didn't realize I was the emergency. It's a fashionable ski jacket. You look great in it, Allison. I think, again, thank you. I think my mom would like it. Your mom sounds very cool.

Connie Becker. I don't know if that's your mom. Arlene. Arlene. Better than Connie. Yeah. I mean, if you want to give me her number, I'll give her a call. Yeah, she would love that.

Yeah. Is that a reference to like a 70s soft rock song? It had the cadence. Call me. Call me, Connie. Yeah. So are you a regular skier? I used to be.

I haven't been skiing in five years. How regular did you used to be? I used to go a couple times a season. Really? Yeah. I lived in Switzerland for a little while. Oh. Should I just leave because I'm done now?

Yeah, drop the mic. I went to high school in Switzerland for a couple years. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that about you. No. What were the circumstances? Why does one went to high school in Switzerland for a couple years. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that about you. No. What were the circumstances? Why does one go to high school in Switzerland?

My dad was doing work for the U.S. She just wanted to learn about cheese. Yeah. Sure. It's true. They eat a lot of cheese. Yeah. They eat so much cheese.

And they ski and they make chocolate and watches. Yeah. All of the stereotypes are true. And insurance. Yes, and insurance. To be fair. Sure. Yeah, so I did my freshman,

sophomore year of high school in Switzerland. Huh. Do you speak Swiss? German? Is that what they? Italian? French?

You're all right. They speak, there's a French side and a German side. I was on the French side. So they speak half French, half German, and then there's little pockets

where they speak a language called Swiss German, which is half French, half German, and then Swiss Italian, which is half French, half Italian. And then Swiss Italian, which is half French, half Italian. And it's a very tiny country. So there's a lot of languages. But I was on the French side in Geneva.

How about that? So I speak like restaurant French. Okay. Because it's been a while. Yeah. I'm not going for a pun here, but do you miss it? Do you miss being Swiss? Is there anything about it that you're like, oh, the Alps.

I miss having – I went to an international high school. So my friends were from countries like all around the world. And I miss that. It was pretty rad. Were most of their parents dictators and oligarchs? Some of them were. There was like a straight up prince that went to my school. There were like some heavy oil money went to the school.

Like they would just roll up in like a Lamborghini to school. Whoa. Like I was definitely like the poor kid at school. Sure, because you just came in a gondola. Yeah. Jump out. But it was pretty rad. Am I thinking the ski thing?

No, you got it. Yeah, like a ski. You were just like wait my joke didn't land did i get that right yeah you guys weren't you aren't still laughing so that must not have been i guess i was because the gondola is also a thing that they row in italy they punt with a pole yeah it's also a dessert with um raspberries just kidding i made that up i like you could have now that's a joke Jordan that's a fucking joke

the old fake dessert it's the three rules of comedy I couldn't keep it I immediately had to be like I'm lying I would have believed you I would totally I consider you more

far more sophisticated than I am I should have said raspberry confit yeah that would have sold it that would have sold it yeah you're not gonna just just raspberries

you should you could have you missed not going to just – Just raspberries. Yeah, you're fine. You missed an opportunity to use your world-famous restaurant French. You're right. Bring it back. Man. I have to see this restaurant French sometime. Yeah. Get a couple drinks to me.

Okay. A couple glasses of, you know, Bordeaux. Whoa. There it is. There it is. there's that um i i mean we're we're we're a little late for this convo because we're you know we're well into the new year but i don't think we've sufficiently unpacked our holidays on this show that's true i don't know i mean and people are are waiting they're they're going bonkers they still have their christmas

trees and menorahs up because they're just waiting to hear your stories. We can't take them down until we hear the Jordan Jesse Goh stories. Right, exactly. The holiday stories. The menorahs have caught the kitchens on fire because they will refuse to blow out the candles until we talk about our goddamn holidays that don't include Hanukkah. I don't know. I don't know about you guys. Did you guys celebrate Hanukkah?

No, I celebrate Christmas. I kind of salute Hanukkah. I give it know. I don't know about you guys. Did you guys celebrate Hanukkah? No, I celebrate Christmas. I kind of salute Hanukkah. I give it a... Yeah, we all salute it. When I see it on the calendar, I'm like, way to go. Good work. Sure. Good work, Hanukkah. Yeah. Way to go. Way to be eight nights long. Did anything happen out of the ordinary? Yeah. Let's see. So I go home to Orange County and spend it with my mom and stepdad and occasionally members of my stepdad's family.

What does Bug do? Bug hangs out at the house and sometimes she has a babysitter come. But a lot of times I will do a day at mom's house and then come back. I don't love being in mom's guest room. It's a nice guest room. The bed has literally, I counted, it has 10 pillows on it. 10, one, zero pillows. All decorative.

None of them are functional. None of them are comfortable to lay on. Sounds like a bit from like King of Queens. Yeah, it kind of does. Like a marriage thing. Right, yeah. She's got a lot of pillows. She's got a lot of pillows.

What do you need all these pillows for? All I need is a glass of beer and an old sweatshirt. That's got a lot of pillows. She's got a lot of pillows. What do you need all these pillows for? All I need is a glass of beer and an old sweatshirt. That's a great Kevin James, by the way. Thank you. What's the deal with pillows? What is the deal? I did find myself yelling at my boyfriend recently for putting his face on a pillow, and I was like, that's a

decorative pillow. And he was like, who are you? He's like, I took off my makeup. I used wipes. How many decorative pillows are on your bed? On my bed, none. On my couch, four. And they're not for laying.

Wait, so if someone lays down or lies down on your couch, whatever the grammar may be. Right. Hard to say. And they put a face on a throw, you're opposed to that? On a throw, you can throw in the wash. That's why they call it a throw. Don't know. Another lie.

I was ready to believe that. I would have told people that at parties. I didn't fall for it because I knew that a throw is a raspberry confit. Oh, right, right, right, right. I guess it's just like anything you can't wash, I try to be sensitive to how many body parts you're putting on it. Sure. Is that fair? It's a concern.

Okay. Yeah, I get that. Do you have any decorative pillows on your couches? I have two decorative pillows on my couch, but I do lay on them from time to time. What I do, this is what, everyone at home do this for me. If you have a decorative pillow on your couch, take it and smack it really hard on both sides and you'll be shocked at the amount of dust that comes out of it. No, I bet.

You're right. It's disgusting. And I have, I mean, I've got some, I mean, that thing's loaded with cat hair at my house. It's probably. So I'm constantly getting all the dead skin cells off of it. Okay. But dust is nature's miracle. Dust is nature's miracle.

You are correct. Thank you. But I don't want to have too much of it because then it loses its miracle status. There you go. I mean, all of my decorative pillows, I've got a fair few. How many would you say total? Just a guesstimate. Household wise? you how many would you say total just a guesstimate house household wise i mean are we counting the

sofa here in my office the sofa at my cabin and the sofa at my home all couches i'm thinking just the home okay beds and couches in your in your home your primary residence what about occasional chairs that have pillows as well? Yes. But not the actual cushions. Those don't count. Right. Five.

Okay. That's a respectable amount. My mom has twice that many on the guest room bed. Anyway. What else is going on in the guest room? Is there a little desk? Let's see. There is a little table with a TV that does not work. That tracks?

Uh. Sewing nook? Does it do double duty at all? Or is it just waiting for guests? Is it a little electrical that she doesn't use anymore? Oh, no. You know, there's not any exercise equipment. But there is a lot of bric-a-brac.

Like, maybe some, like, blinds that they bought and didn't like but have not taken back yet. Right, yeah. Stuff like that. So it's a stuff room. So did the pillows play into your holiday story? No. I guess I'm describing maybe why I – you asked me what happens with the cat. Yes.

And I would prefer to stay in my bed and not in the guest room. You're a normal human being. Sure. And the – And you're close enough you can pop back home. Yeah, I can pop back home. So anyway, but we spent – so we had Christmas dinner, very nice, and we went to see our like traditional – a traditional Christmas Day movie.

What did you have for Christmas? Like the Pilgrims went to see. Did you have a fine fat goose? Fine fat goose. And then we went to see the movie Fine Fat Goose. Sorry, Kevin James. What movie did you see? Okay, so that's always a little bit of a conflict for us because my family-

And you go to the movies. We go to the movies. Yeah, we go to the theater. It is fun. It's cute. My mom loves it. I think my stepdad is not nuts about going to the movies, so she knows that me and my sister will be enthusiastic about it.

Okay. So she can kind of drag him. Okay. So it's fun. My mom, yeah, mom loves to check out the big screen. You know. You know Gail. She loves to check out the big screen.

And is she like, Jordan, do you know that person? Do you know that person? Yes, exactly. I'm like, no, mom. I don't know Margot Robbie. I took my daughter. Yet. Yet.

Soon, though. I took my daughter to see Mary Poppins Returns. Yes. Did she love it? She did. She loved it entirely. Without qualification, she loved it. Completely unimpressed that I have been bowling with Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Completely unimpressed. Give have been bowling with Lin-Manuel Miranda. Completely unimpressed. Give her a few more years. Does not understand that that has any consequences. She's like, well, he climbed to the top of Big Ben. Can you? Like, that's basically where she's at. Like, can you fly? Because Mary Poppins can.

She's not wrong. Yeah. Well, fucking learn to fly, dude. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Learn to fly, asshole. Sorry. I believe I can fly, but the evidence suggests otherwise.

So, you know, the holiday movie is always a little bit tough for us just because my family will not go see a Star Wars or comparable. They will not go to see like. Whereas you will only see a Star Wars. I will only see a Star Wars movie. Yeah. So, yeah, they won't, you know, you can you will only see a Star Wars movie. I will only see a Star Wars movie. Yeah. So yeah, they won't – you can't just go to a Star Wars – So what were your options that day? So boy, I mean it's tough.

I mean we just have to find a middling costume drama because I think that is all my family wants to see. Right. Or we've had a lot of success with the Creed movies. We've been to see both Creed movies on Thanksgiving. Oh, interesting. And we've loved those. That makes sense. You know what?

Jordan, you told me to go see. I was worried that Creed 2 would be bad because I had loved Creed 1 so much. Yeah. Creed 1. Otherwise known as Creed. Sure, yeah. Yeah. I think just to guarantee your movie a success, put 1 after it.

Somebody should just, yeah, do that. And they're like, wow, there's going to be a lot of these. I think I loved Creed so much that I thought there's going to be a lot of these. I think I loved Creed so much that I thought there's no way I could like Creed 2, you know, a different director.

For some reason, they brought back Dolph Lundgren. Yeah. Like, I was like, what is this for? Jordan said, you know,

I liked Creed 2. And then I remembered that I liked Rocky Balboa, the one where Rocky comes back in his, like, 60s because of a computer simulation. Yeah. And his trainer says, now we're going to build some hurting bombs. And, like, I thought back to how much I genuinely enjoyed the movie Rocky Balboa, which I saw in the theater.

And you're like, who am I to judge? And was like, this is a three to three and a half star film for me. I was like, I guess I'll probably like Creed II. Watch Creed II. Guess what I liked, Jordan? Creed II? Yeah, you got it. Yeah, Creed II is good.

I mean, it definitely does not, you know. I mean, one was so like, oh, my God, they made one of these good again. Yeah. But yeah, two's a hoot. I mean, everybody involved is great. So what'd you settle on? So it was no Creed to see. We saw Creed 2 during Thanksgiving.

So we had, I mean, it was, pickings were slim, guys. Pickings were very slim this year. Jordan, can I tell you that this is my family dream? No one in my family, no one in my in-laws family wants to go to the movies on the holiday. Yeah. Except for my father. But my father, my father has other, my stepmother won't do it, et cetera,

so it all falls apart. All I want, the presents are open. Yeah. We did it. Let's just go to the movies so we don't have to interact with each other anymore. We'll do a 20 boxing day, as the Brits call it. We'll do a boxing day movie the day after,

but not on Christmas. My mom would consider it sacrilegious. Oh, sure. Yes. Yeah. God does not exist within these walls. Exactly. And she's pointing at a movie theater.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah. She's doing it from her house, which is confusing. So, yeah. So, I mean, our Christmas Day movies have included a lot of weird stuff just because of the very narrow parameters. It can't be too arty. So we saw The Marigold Hotel.

I feel like they'd like the favorite from afar but then up close they'd be like, what's going on? Yeah, favorites would be way too weird for them. Same. My parents would not know what's happening. Yeah, I had seen the favorite ahead of time and it came up in our discussion and my mom's like, well, maybe we should see The Favourite. They're wearing dresses.

Yes, she's looking at the ad in the newspaper because that is still – My parents still look up movie times in a newspaper. Oh, totally. And like judge on by the ads what to see. I think she liked the wigs but then I warned her that it was a weird version of that and then she believed me. So what did you see? We saw Mary, Queen of Scots. Oh, I saw that.

What did you think? I thought it had potential. Sure. I thought the lead. You know that it's already been made, right? Yes, I do. But they put, it's Mary, Queen of Scots 1. Remind me how you say.

I mean, if they brought in Dolph Lundgren for number two. Definitely. How do you say the lead actress's name? Saoirse Ronan. Okay. Saoirse Ronan was amazing. Boy, wasn't she good? Yes.

And I love Margot Robbie, but her character, not her fault, was just written too cartoony, I think. Sure. And they never. It was a real Queen Elizabeth hit piece. Yeah. And they never meet in real life. And then they never meet in the movie, really, except like behind a veil.

Oh, they're behind some laundry. Sorry, spoiler alert, I guess. It was, I don't know, it was unsatisfying. Yeah, it is a like serviceable, down-the-middle one of those. Like, the acting is maybe a little bit better than usual. My mom had a very fun time

leaning over and pointing out to me which minor characters were from Downton Abbey. He's from Downton Abbey. Oh, thanks, Mom. There was a preview for the Downton Abbey feature film, which my mom was very

excited about. And so I think we liked, it was a good choice. We liked the movie, you know, but I think mainly what we liked. And I'm including my stepdad and my stepdad's daughter, who I've met five times. He's a recent stepdad. I think we all just really liked the long cunnilingus scene. The long, long ass cunnilingus scene.

Just lady. That fucking guy. Yeah. You think he's a good guy because he's going downtown on her. He went downtown. And you're like, yeah, you got the man. And then he turns out not such a great guy. I don't mean to quote Aretha Franklin here, but who's munching who?

It's a slant. It's what's called a slant quote. Oh, sure. Right, exactly. Great, great. Her late period hit, who's zooming who? I think it's who's munching whom. Oh, thank you.

Right, exactly. Thank you, England's longest reigning monarch. Yes, I mean, really, just I think we all like that. Yeah, those are always so fun with parents. I know, and I, it just made me realize how I still am like, so fucking embarrassed about sex stuff around my mom. Like, I can't, I have not become

an adult in that way. My parents have still not given me the talk. So you don't know. I'm still waiting around for it. You don't know where babies come from. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out, wait, babies come from, why are you talking about babies? We're talking about sex. Oh, I'm sorry. The cabbage patch, stork. Yeah.

Flower. What did you get your mom for Christmas? Oh, what did I get my mom for Christmas? Oh, my sister texted me a picture of a sweater. Great. I took my phone to Nordstrom. Great, perfect. And I held up the phone to the Nordstrom lady.

And she says, we don't have that, but I can find you one like that. Great. Perfect. And I held up the phone to the Nordstrom lady and she says, we don't have that but I can find you one like that. Great. We got it. Huge hit. Huge hit? Huge hit. Did she wear it on Christmas? I love when they wear it that way. She did. Wore it to the movie. What kind of sweater are we talking about? Black cardigan. Oh.

You can never have too many black cardigans. She even thought it, she said this is cool. She thought it was a little cooler than maybe what she would have normally gotten. So I got some cool points. Gale. Gale. Gale. Yeah.

How about you guys? Holidays? Good? How much box munching did you guys watch with your family? No box munching with the fam. Another great Kevin James sitcom. Box munching with the fam. I was in Massachusetts where my brother lives and it

was delightful because i got to see his uh wife and three kids and him and my parents were up there too um but my niece was patient zero for a stomach flu a 24-hour stomach flu and one by one we fell we fell my dad and i actually made it all the way he lives in Florida and I'm in LA obviously we made it landed and we were like we're in the clear

and then as soon as I got home I was like oh shit literally yeah it was only 24 hours and it was

at one point I was like just give it to me because when you're watching everyone else get it you know you're gonna get it

so I'm like I just want to get this over with just cough into my mouth. Yeah, one by one. That was really the only eventful thing, but it was fun. Yeah.

What's a Massachusetts Christmas like? They live in a really cute little town that looks like a train set, like a Christmas train set. Oh, good. All the houses are from the 1700s and it's very colonial and it was cold

and we got little flurries, not full on snow, but little flurries not full-on snow but little flurries which i love and it was delightful all his kids are like they're all really young and really cool so they play ice hockey so i went to some ice hockey games and they skateboard and they're way cooler than me sounds idyllic yeah it really is idyllic your conception of coolness they're so so cool. They're like jocks. They're all 10 and under and they're jocks. And I was never a jock.

So the fact that my niece is nine and wants to be an ice hockey coach when she grows up and can skate backwards and is the best one to be on her team. No, that is cool. Do you not think those don't sound cool, Jessie? Those sound like cool kids. It sounds fun. Yeah? What do you think would be cooler?

Black cardigan? That's true. From Nordstrom? That's fair. Yeah? What do you think would be cooler? Black cardigan. That's true. From Nordstrom. That's fair. Yeah. Maybe a beret on top. They're each their own version of cool. Aren't we all our own version of cool?

Yeah. Maybe we're all the coolest kid in school. Yeah. What did you guys get your moms? Moms are fucking tough, man. They're hard. My mom is definitely a, I don't need anything. Oh, same thing.

Mom. Whatever you do, I get this phone call every year. Whatever definitely a i don't need anything oh same thing whatever you do like this phone call every year whatever you do don't buy us anything but god for i mean what am i not gonna buy something yeah that's a trick that is a goddamn trick i got my mom a book that she wanted um that is of a political leaning that i do not agree with so it was hard for me to purchase the book oh boy i will say it was written by a somewhat moderate conservative, but still a conservative nonetheless. Like I wouldn't have bought her like a Trump

book or something. Sure, yeah. The art of the deal. I think all our moms got a nice hardback art of the deal for Christmas. But she wanted it, so I was like, alright. That's wrong. If it fucks up my Amazon list, I'm going to really be pissed about it. Boy, I one time, one time to write a comedy bit, looked up a Scientology book on Amazon.

They still think I want unlock your volcano brain. Of course. Why wouldn't they? I don't know. But I also got her some earrings. Okay. And oh, and a waving Pope. Why? Where do you get that. Oh, and a waving pope. Why?

Where do you get that? Like a little solar waving pope. Have you seen the queen? They have a queen one and a pope one. I have not. I can picture it. Allison, how does that fit into your mother's feelings about the sacrosanct Christian? Oh, my mother, if it comes to the pope pope it's not sacrilegious okay like because

i agree with you the logic does not track i mean the pope is god's messenger here on earth right so he talks to the god directly yeah when my mom saw the pope she saw the pope twice and one of them not this one but the previous the polish one not the one, but the previous, the Polish one, not the one now, but the one before. She touched him. Two popes ago. Two popes ago, she touched him. And I was there with her and she was like crying. And I turned to her. So you were close enough to touch the pope, but you did not touch the pope?

I did not. I took a picture instead. But I turned to my mom and I said the first commandment to her. Do you know what the first commandment is of the Ten Commandments? Oh, boy. False idols? Yes. Thou shalt not worship false idols. Wow.

Because I was like, that's a human. Sure. And she was so pissed at me. Yeah. And then later she said to me. And then you were like, he's your Bon Jovi. Yeah, exactly. I can worship all the false idols.

I don't believe in it. Sure. But my mom, that— It's a Bon Jovi side project, right? The false idols? Exactly. A few years earlier when my mom came to visit me in L.A., I took her to see Jay Leno. Remember Jay Leno, guys?

He's my boss. Exactly. He's my pope. My mom was also—we were in the front row. I think Jay Leno speaks to God. Exactly. And he comes out and he shakes everyone's hand in the beginning who were in the front row. I think Jay Leno speaks to God. Exactly. And he comes out and he like shakes everyone's hand in the beginning who were in the front row.

You were like seeing him do stand up? We went to his show when he was hosting the Tonight Show. Oh, okay. And he like shook my mom's hand or whatever. And right after my mom touched the Pope, she said, and I quote, I can't believe I touched Jay Leno and the Pope in the same year. Wow. She's got her priorities straight. How are

those your top two? I mean, Jay Leno can really sell a joke. He can really sell a joke and so can Pope Benedict. What's the current Pope? I don't remember which one. It was the Polish one. They both have weird cars. John Paul was Polish. Well, the other thing

is the Pope that I got her, the plastic waving pope, it just looks like all the popes. Like it's not, I can't tell which pope. He's not identifiably Latin American, for example. They're all, no, they're all just like, because the one now is Latin American. Pope Francis is the current pope. Pope Francis, yes. But he's still fair skinned. Yeah.

So they're all just like vaguely white-ish, bald, and waving. Are you going to start like secretly buying your mom like liberation theology books? That's the path I offer you. Frances is a liberation theologian. I know. Because the new pope's got some hot takes, right? The new pope's got some hot takes. He's much more welcoming to the LGBT community, like really progressive for a Catholic pope, which is pretty amazing.

Is your mom cool with that? I think she, I mean, yeah, my mom's an anomaly. Her best friends are lesbians, which I'm very proud of her for. But then she'll sometimes have some old-fashioned views on things that I'm not so excited about. I knew a drag pope for a time. Oh, really? Yeah. What was the name?

He was – I think he just – there's a thing in San Francisco called – they march in all of the – in all the parades, basically. Like you'd think mostly the pride parade, but they get – All the parade. Like you'd think mostly the Pride Parade, but they work their way into all the parades and public gatherings called the Sisters of the Perpetual Indulgence, which is a group of drag nuns. Oh, great. And yeah, a guy I knew in high school who was like, I don't know, like a sort of the arts high school equivalent of a youth pastor. He was like a leader in like a youth group that I belong to. He,

he had, he was just at a party one day. Somebody came up to him, said, you know, you look like Pope John Paul. He said, really?

And they said, will you be the Pope and the sisters of the perpetual indulgence? We'll get you a miter or whatever. That's amazing. He was like, will you be the pope and the sisters of the perpetual indulgence? We'll get you a mitre or whatever. That's amazing. And he was like, will I? Yes. Also, I just want to interject with a third wardrobe malfunction, which is I took my sweater off while still wearing my headphones. Yeah.

Now it's threaded through the cord. Scooting along the headphones like a gondola. Gondola. I'm using that right. We did it. That guy also knew Jambi from Pee-wee's Playhouse. So he was basically the, like, he was like, he could turn his chair backwards and tell me anything. So he didn't have a drag name.

No, I think he was just Pope. I think he was just Pope John Paul. Or Pope John Paul. I don't know. Maybe he did have a special name. He probably is still it. I think he's still knocking around. He probably still looks like, still looks Pope-ish.

If not like this Pope. I wonder where he stores that hat. I probably still looks like, still looks Pope-ish, if not like this Pope. I wonder where he stores that hat. I know. It's a big hat. Yeah, probably a hat box. Although, I don't know. Right. Maybe two hat boxes.

One's got a hole cut in the bottom and you stack them on top of each other. That's smart, Jordan. There you go. That's smart, Jordan. I've stored a couple of Pope hats in my day. I don't want to, listen, I've lived. I've stored Pope hats, okay? Yeah.

What does, Jesse, what does Judy get for Christmas? See, here's the thing. In my family- I can see Judy might be tough to shop for. My father and brothers and stepmother, at this point, don't even send a card. Oh, boy. Which is not- We're not estranged.

They just – They have a hard time finding stamps. Kind of general alienation. Not a specific – well, there's no hostility between me and any of those people. We all love each other very much. They're just not worried about it. Do you send cards? Well, we send like a – I mean we send like a card.

But this year I didn't do – You have a family. I feel like people with families send cards. Yeah. We send one of those family cards. Yeah. You guys are all in khakis on the beach? Yeah.

Oh, I love that. Khakis matching sweaters. I got all these cousins that live between Los Angeles and San Diego, and boy, are they all in khakis on the beach on their cards. Yeah. Yeah. Just the gray starting to appear and the blonde. Mm-hmm.

You know, they all look great. Good looking people. Sure. Son kissed. My mom, however, is a different story. Okay. My mom is, my whole life has been an antiques dealer, which means that she is at estate sales always and at the flea market every weekend and so on and so forth.

So we had to establish rules about how much stuff she could send us in the mail. But I feel like that tracks with your aesthetic. On a day to day. So, okay. So here's the thing so the pressure for the pressure that my mom brings to bear on is my mom is it's too much stuff so basically what happened to week we shut we we cite like we basically took the hose of things coming to our house from – and our house is not big and it's full. So this hose of things –

You had to shut it down. We had to shut it down. But what instead we found was if you try to cut off the hose, it just focuses the spread. You know, it doesn't reduce the volume. It just focuses the spread. Sure. You got to turn off the nozzle. Yeah, exactly.

So we get. Kill his mom? That's what I know. As I said that, I'm like, it seems like I am giving you a mobster wink wink. If you need someone to shut off the hose. And so at Christmas, it all spills forth like a river, an ocean of gifts. What'd you get? My mom will give us, there's five members of my family.

My mom will literally drive a car full of gifts down. So she's buying them all year long? I'm talking, yeah, and saving them. Five gifts a person. Oh, that's sweet. And she gives wonderful gifts, and we always get wonderful gifts, but it really raises the stakes on what we give her. Right. And this year, we came, this year was the least volume, and you give her a nice little pin and a second gift that my wife puts together.

and a second gift that my wife puts together. But the gift that my wife puts together is one of those photo calendars. And my wife, who is basically a perfect human being, this is the greatest evidence of how perfect she is. She works so fucking hard on this calendar. And my wife does no time. There's no time in her life for anything. We have three small children.

Our lives are a continuing rolling nightmare. And she sits down and takes hours to lay out multiple pictures on each month. Everybody gets their birthday month, has pictures of them. Pictures with Nana. Pictures of the whole family. makes this whole fucking thing gorgeous, prints it out, sends it to my mom. And what's great about it, it undercuts everything. You can't – there's nothing more personal than that that involved a lot of hard work. Yeah.

And a lot of – and it obviates the need to match her, you know, standard, her level of gift giving. You can't because you can't match that. A big problem is for my wife is that she knows my mom is going to give me five perfect gifts. And I'm kind of like this, too, because I'm at the flea market every week. Same thing. I mean, like, I'm also, as you said, really into nice stuff and always at the flea market and always at estate sales. And I'll be hoarding. I got a drawer here at the office where I hoard gifts for my wife.

You're your mother. It's fine. It's a good quality of my mother. And so I'll give my wife a number of really nice gifts. And there's honestly, there's nothing to be bought for me. Like if you're not bringing to the table, my mom's level of shopping and, and knowing my taste and having extraordinary taste herself and like working all year at it, there's really no way't give me a gift because I am so into stuff and like focused on what I might want or need. And I have my own store. And so, yeah, I don't need. Yeah.

Anything that I need, I can handle. Well, I do want to say this is probably partially Catholic guilt and partially just the truth. It's all the truth. But I would like to say that even though Jordan's mom, well, even though your mom gives maybe too many gifts, and even though Jordan's mom doesn't like artsy movies, and even though my mom likes moderate conservatives, they're all lovely women. They are. And we love them very much.

God, I love your mom. I've been talking to her since you gave me her number. That's weird, Jesse. We've been talking and I think it's going pretty good. Good. Let me know. You know, she has some... But just don't, you know, don't move. I know you tend to move a little bit fast.

Yeah, don't move to Florida. Yeah, don't move to Florida. It is a retirement village. I don't know if it's going to be your style. Allison? Okay, yeah, I'm sorry. You know how your mom's best friends are lesbians? Yeah. That's not the only cutting edge thing about her social views.

Wow. She has some pretty expansive ideas about romance. She sounds discreet. A real discreet mom. Yeah. I haven't asked directly yet if she's 420 friendly. She would not even know what that question meant. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la yourself. Come on. Oh, sorry. No, that's okay. I messed it up. See, I did it the first time. You didn't mess it up. And then I didn't do it this time. That's okay. You're fine. You were, you know, you were hanging back.

You're still in Jordan's chair as well. No, that's true. I am. I offered it to him during the break. How's my stink? Is it wonderful? I bet it is. I'm bathing in it.

I love it. Oh, I miss my stink. Anyway, Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Alison Becker, Classic Interrupter. You were saying about the support for the show. Yeah, I mean, every week all the members of MaximumFun.org support our show. This week we also have a couple of sponsors, including our friends at Zip Recruiter. Jordan, what happens when a problem comes along? You must zip it. Yeah. That's the official slogan for Zip Recruiter. And by official,

I mean one we made up and we haven't asked them if we should keep saying it. You know, Jordan, I'm a small business owner. I don't know if you knew that about me. I did know that about you. You mentioned it. My senior management team and I had a meeting the other day. I guess we were discussing. Hirings and firings? Yeah. Yeah. You're fired.

Oh, wow. Oh, this is how I find out. Allison, you're hired. Oh, yay. Thanks, guys. It's all about who sits in the chair, isn't it? It's the chair. Oh.

No, you know what? Honestly, you're trading up. Beginning. I get it. I get it, man. Beginning of the year is the time when you got to consider your personnel. If you're a business owner or you're working HR or what have you, you're thinking about who have I got to find. Sure.

ZipRecruiter is the answer. They're going to find them for you. Yeah. Here's what you do. You go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter finds the right people and then invites them to apply for your job. Like, for example, once I get rid of the dead weight over here, Captain Curly. Yeah, sure.

No, hey, I get it. And I put out a notice. Captain Curly. I put out a notice. I'm going to need somebody good. I'm going to need somebody funny off the cuff. I'm going to need somebody to carry the show, et cetera, et off the cuff. I'm going to need somebody to carry the show. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Somebody that doesn't stink up chairs. Somebody that doesn't have a powerful chair stinker. That's what I call my butt. Guess who they're going to reach out to right away, Jordan? Chair stinkers. Talented, funny chair stinkers. No. They're going to use their powerful matching technology

to find the right people for you and invite them to apply actively. Right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. If you love this show, show your support to it and ZipRecruiter by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Jordan. Yes. We slash JJGo. Jordan. Yes. We have another sponsor this week. We sure do. Our friends at Withings.

Withings, the creator of the Wi-Fi smart scale. It uses electricity to measure your weight. Wow. Wait, what? Yeah, you meet your goals with a smart scale. It's not a bunch of fucking springs and counterweights and shit. It uses electricity and your feet. Yeah.

Here's what you do. It delivers your weight, BMI, and body composition, even a local weather report. Now, what I thought BMI was initially was a combination of- Bowel movement? And too much information. Just telling someone about your bowel movement. BM and TMI. That's actually great.

Yeah. It turns out it's body mass index. Body mass index. See why Tom's guide named Withings Body Plus the best overall smart scale of 2018. Visit withings.com slash JJG for a special offer of 30% off any body composition scale.

That's Withings, W-I-T-H-I-N-G-S dot com slash JJG. Withings, giving people the tools they need to improve their lives. Their lives. Wow. Wow. Lives. Oh, no. Hey, something else we want people to know about.

We mentioned it at the top of the show, but let's give people some details. If they want to see all three of us and they live in the San Francisco Bay Area or can get there this weekend. Yeah. Friday night at seven o'clock at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, Judge John Hodgman. Then Friday night at 1030 at Cobb's Comedy Club. I know people who are listening, they're like, I got to lay my eyes down on one Alison Becker. That's me.

I want to see in real life one of my favorite actors of podcasts, television, and more. Come on by. A TV commercial with Chris Fairbanks, I heard. That's right. My best work. We are doing an all-new episode of Bubble, the sci-fi comedy podcast, of which Allison is the star. And I read, I already read it, and it's so funny.

Oh, good. Yeah. You gave me some lovely notes. There are some Allison Becker jokes in the script. Get excited. There's some Becker punch-ups in there. Guess which jokes they are? They're the good ones. We also got a lot of cool people in the cast, of course. Eliza Skinner, Cristela Alonso, Mike Mitchell. Jonathan Colton will be there doing some legally dissimilar songs and some acting.

He'll be doing an acting part as well. And Jordan, you haven't even mentioned. It's a lot of responsibility for me, but I'm actually the star of the show. You are in a brief scene. Yeah. You appear in a brief scene. I think you have a couple lines. I'm top lining.

I've got two juicy lines. Oh, you're under five. My character's name is John Mattress. Don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Fan favorite character John Mattress is coming back. The Twitter is going crazy. Oh, my gosh.

Ooh, Easter eggs. We're also doing Jordan and Jesse Go on Sunday, January 20th at 1 o'clock at the Punchline in San Francisco. We will be joined. We can now confirm. We can now confirm. We will be joined. We can now confirm. We can now confirm. We will be joined. We can now confirm. I just want to say.

No, thank you. No, that was good. We will be joined. Rule of threes. By our friend John Roderick. That's number one. And number two, from the hit television program VIP on HBO. From VIP on Hobo.

Mr. Tony Hale. Yes. That's so cool. That's right. Your favorite Volkswagen commercial from the 90s dance guy, Tony Hale. He was the guy who danced to Mr. Roboto in the car. Wow. That's fun. Drivers wanted.

Great credit. And guys, if you haven't been to SF Sketch Fest, it's so fun. It's worth making a trip. Yeah. All your favorite comedians are there. Can I make a special call out? Please. Email jjgoe at maximumfun.org if you're coming to the show or could come to the show and

you play a musical instrument that you own. Yeah. You have to be able to bring the musical instrument to the show. It can't be a grand piano or whatever. Yeah. It has to be portable. It can't take up an extra seat. What about like a tuba? If you have the tuba. Yeah. So don't say a grand piano or whatever. Yeah, it has to be portable. It can't take up an extra seat.

What about like a tuba? If you have the tuba. Yeah. So wouldn't that block some views? Don't say, I played the tuba in band, but I no longer have a tuba.

You have to have the instrument. Don't waste our time. Follow the directions. Follow the directions. If you are coming or can come to the show and you have an instrument

that you know how to play, email jjgoe atumFun.org and tell Brian what instrument it is and how good you are at playing it. That's all I can say. That's all I can say. And remember, if you come to all three shows on Sunday's Jordan Jesse Go Show, we will be giving- You unlock a badge.

Right. It'll be like eating pho every night on Yelp. You have to check in. You gotta check in. We will be giving away the original Destroy the West robot. The one that my son believes

to have been permanently broken, but actually turns out not to be broken, but we hid it for long enough that we realized we could just tell him it was broken because he had sort of forgotten about it. One day he will listen to this. A true piece of podcast history. For tickets, go to sfsketchfest.com. That's sfsketchfest.com.

sfsketchfest.com. That's sfsketchfest.com. I also want to mention, by the way, before we get back to shit, the Put This On Shop, 40% off holiday sale. Use the code JJGO40. 40% off holiday sale off everything except for fine jewelry. So if you need some of the Christmas gifts for my mom I didn't need, those are probably in there. Go to putthisonshop.com. We'll be back in there. Go to PutThisOnShop.com. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan,

Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Alison Becker's still here. We got it right that time. Thank God. We nailed it.

Way to go, gang. Thank God. I mean, I'm still in the wrong chair. Wow. I offered him the chair back. You did. The moral of the story here, Jordan, is thank you so much for all the years that you put into the show. We've got everything sorted out now, so Allison can go ahead and start this week.

I signed good paperwork. Is there a box I can put my stuff in? No, you're going to have to carry your- I need all the boxes. Sorry. Okay. Yeah. I have a few banker's boxes, but I think you're a television writer.

No, that's true. I do it in a separate box. Yeah. Didn't get any of those boxes. Well, I had a good run. Wait. No, I didn't. Okay.

Never mind. When something momentous happens to you, like you get fired from the podcast that you own half of, momentous happens to you, like you get fired from the podcast that you own half of, email us at jjgoatmaximumfund.org with a voice memo or give us a call at 206-9844-FUND to share your momentous occasion with us. Why? It's our signature segment that we've been doing a long time. Can't stop now. I'm doing different parts of this in weird orders and I'm confused about what I have

and haven't said. Let's take our first call. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. I'm going to guess Janet Varney. This is Jared from Anaheim calling in with a momentous occasion. Today at a service call for one of our customers, I was there to repair the service that they subscribed from us. Pause the show,

Brian. What's going on here? He won't say where he works. Yeah. That's smart. You could say, like, cable. You don't have to say the brand name. Just say the service. I have to assume that this is fucking related because I was going to say this guy installs

fuck swings. Oh boy, I was there servicing the service that I do. It's a fuck swing. I'm sorry. I lied. I would just like to say there is no shame in sex swings. No, absolutely not.

If that's why you didn't tell us, just let it out. Promote your sex swing on the air. You've got a voice. How does a sex swing work? Is it like a sling? I think it's like stirrups. You know? There's a place for the butt.

Stirrups. The other person's strata, well, depending on the sexes of the two people, the bodies of them, they get one gets on top of the other person's strat well depending on the the sexes of the two people the bodies of them they get one gets on top of the other and you swing back and forth while you fuck so everyone is on the swing yeah everyone's on the swing well you think it's just one person like hitting and then swinging back like inserting swinging back inserting swinging back or just someone sitting in a swing jacket off so it is also allowed, I guess.

Which is also allowed, yeah, if you want to do that. No shame in any other. It's like a hammock? It's all beautiful. It's like a hammock chair that you can put your legs through. I only know this from bad TV shows, too. I've never used one. Yeah.

Actually, there's a similar item if you sit in a certain section at Jimmy Buffett's Margarita Dome. There's the chill side. there's a lot there's a similar item if you sit in a certain section at Jimmy Buffett's margarita there's like the you know there's the chill you know you know where they got these things yeah

anyway get those island vibes so he's installing the sex swing we'll just assume let's hear the rest of the call but let's all just assume

unless we hear otherwise that this guy is a sex swing technician only fair this is a service call he's lubricating the sex swing yeah maybe he's yeah upkeeping is a sex swing technician. Only fair. This is a service call. He's lubricating the sex swing. Yeah, maybe he's upkeeping it. Maintenance. Sex swing maintenance. It's a cable service. I don't want to get into brand names. Anyway, I saw

that he had a couple of Sega Dreamcasts on the sideboard and while I was waiting for the new equipment to boot up and lock on and all that good techno jargon stuff and was talking about how they had this cult following and new old stock had been found and sold out really quickly and he said, you want one? And I walked away from that job with a Sega Dreamcast and two controllers. So I'm stoked.

Oh, and he gave me some of his games, too. So anyway, that's my momentous occasion. Talk to you later. Bye. It's funny that we all thought maybe this was going to be a sexy call when in fact it was a fucking sexy call. Yum, yum. Not to single you out, Jordan, but I do have a question for you. What makes you think I would be able to answer a question about a Sega Dreamcast?

No, no. It's not a Sega question. Okay. And it's something that I think because of Jesse's antique knowledge he will know. But out of curiosity, do you know what a sideboard is? Oh. Because he did say a sideboard. No.

I'm assuming Jesse knows what that is. I don't know what. I was wondering what it was. Another word for it would be credenza. Oh. Do you know what a credenza is? Yeah, I can picture a credenza. A sideboard is like if you imagine in a dining room where there's a long table.

Right. And then next to it, there is a piece of furniture that is- Covered in Sega Dreamcasts? That is not very deep, that is up against the wall, but relatively wide. And you could put food on there. You put your china in there. Yeah, people usually store their china in there. But now people will use them as TV stands.

Okay. How many Sega Dreamcasts would you say could fit on a standard sideboard? You could put a lot of Dreamcasts there. Wow. I have to say that I was disappointed by this call. How many Sega Dreamcasts would you say could fit on a standard sideboard? You could put a lot of Dreamcasts there. Wow. I have to say that I was disappointed by this call. How many Sega Saturns do you think could fit in there? You were disappointed by the call? Yeah.

Why? Because there was a lot of Sega Dreamcast talk and not one mention of the game Seaman. Right. It's where you have a fish with a human face and Leonard Nimoy and you talk to him and you try and encourage him and grow him up to be a big, strong, happy fish. Is he underwater? He's underwater with a man face. Yeah. And he's sassy to you.

Interesting. Streamcast was very weird. Very innovative. There was a little microphone that came out of the controller and you'd be like, you'd be like, good morning, Seaman. I love you. And he'd be like, look at you. Yeah. Google image search Seaman. Oh, Seaman. I love you. And he'd be like. Yeah, he'd look at you. Yeah.

Google image search Seaman. Oh, I will. Make sure to spell it correctly or add Dreamcast. But you're going to love what you find. By love, I mean be haunted for years. I think a good way to describe what the Dreamcast is in the world of gaming. It is kind of the Bernie Sanders of video game consoles

and that people really want to tell you about the Sega Dreamcast. They want to sit you down and explain to you why the Sega Dreamcast is ahead of its time, was ahead of its time. What about the Atari Jaguar? I don't, I do not. I've never even heard of that. Yeah, I don't think those do not. I've never even heard of that. Yeah.

I don't think those people exist. I don't think you'll find a, the Jaguar was ahead of its time person, but I could be wrong. What do you think an Atari, prove me wrong. What do you think an Atari Jaguar costs? Like on eBay or something?

Yeah, work it. Buy it now. Buy it now. Buy it now price. B-I-N. 100 bucks. And what would a Sega Dreamcast cost? Buy it now uh i bet it would also i bet there

are more dreamcasts out there so they're less rare so i think if you were buying a jack god what the why am i talking about this if you were to buy a jaguar you would be buying it because it was rare there are more dreamcasts so this guy was basically giving like maybe 70, 80 bucks. Yes. Yeah. Why did he have so many of them? I mean, I think just because Dreamcast people are serious about them. Okay. They are really serious about them.

So I think I could see this guy wanting to have one in every room of the house because people who are dedicated to that system. Or he just uses them as like tips. Oh, yeah. In the way that I get like $2 bills to give tips. That's fun. He's like, here's a Sega Dreamcast for you. Here, just don't tell your mom. Yeah, he just brings a box of them to a strip club and then just throws them onto the stage.

It never works well. Making it rain. Jesse, are you eBaying Dreamcast? You can get a Dreamcast, my friend, for $50. Wow. $50 easy. With controllers? Because you said two controllers.

Yeah, with controllers the whole nine yards. Now, there's a few... And some games. He threw some games in. Yeah, with controllers the whole nine yards. And some games. He threw some games in. Threw some games in. Two games. Here's Sega Dreamcast video game console with two controllers plus four games sold for $46. Okay, but still a nice thing to give someone.

Yeah, very. Absolutely. Well, what else? Atari Jaguar. I was going to say $100 for a Jaguar. It's probably. Let's take a look. We're going to have to go ahead and take a look here, Jordan.

God, I mean, we can't leave this unresolved. Video game consoles. Filter. Sold items. Condition. Used. Used. Sure.

Holy shit. Thrilling. Atari Jaguars are expensive as shit. How much? They go for like $200, $300. Wow. Well, as Jordan said, they're rare. Yeah.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are Atari Jaguar people out there and they're willing to fucking shell out. This one has Jaguar CD and it costs $760. It's sold for $760. Wow. Geez, we gotta get into the Jaguar business. Yeah, where's our Jaguars? What year did that come out? Maybe 98,

99? Seems about right. Yeah. Mid to late 90s. What are your favorite gaming consoles? Consoles? Oh boy. I don't even know the word console. That's okay. I definitely remember you bringing burned CDs of Japanese fighting games over to play on my roommate Nathaniel's streamcast. Sure. I can talk a lot about this and feel bad about it, but I don't like this about myself.

There's nothing wrong with this. There's a lot wrong with it. This is why our audience loves you. It's a wrong way to have lived one's life. Why? Being a gamer? You and Nathaniel had a wrong way to have lived one's life. Why? Being a gamer? You and Nathaniel had a ton of fun. I don't know.

I don't like that this occupies the space in my brain. You know what? I can't do it again. You can't go back. Do you still play anything? I do, yeah. I still play video games. What do you play?

I have a PS4 and I got myself a Nintendo Switch because my house got robbed and I thought I needed to make lemons into lemonade. So I got a Switch. It's a lot of fun. No, so something cool about the Dreamcast, or not cool, but I think a reason why people collect them is because it was really easy to pirate stuff. They didn't have a lot of safeguards against pirating, so you could just burn CDRs of games. And you have a big CaseLogic wallet full of them.

Do you and your gaming systems now play against strangers that you talk to? Do you do that thing, whatever it's called, live play? I don't know what it's called. Once in a while, I do a little live play. I do a little live play. That sounds sexier than it is. So I like video games, but I do not like them enough to be competitive. Right.

Because I think when you play a game online, it is. And kids get nasty. Sure. Yeah. competitive right because i think when you play a game online it is and kids get nasty sure yeah it is a lot of mean 13 year olds who don't do anything else other than play the game and they just yell at you bitch show me them nasty feets show me and i gotta and i gotta get on the webcam and show me my nasty little tootsies don't show them my god those are yours don't be mean to me if i don't show them my tootsies. You've never dealt with tootsie shaming like Jordan has.

No. Do you get tootsie shamed? I do a little bit, yeah. Just because they know they're so nasty. They know them tootsies so nasty. I don't even know if this is still a bit anymore. It is a bit. No, I do not play a lot of games online.

I play them. Yeah, I like to play a lot of one-player games. And sometimes my friend Maddie comes over to play Smash with me. Matty's imaginary. No, he's not. It's real. You've met him. Matty Smith.

He comes over to my house. We play Smash together and we socialize. We're two men. We're social men. Great. I'm maining Incineroar. Anyway. We have another call.

Move on. I don't like this about myself. The thing about Seaman was. Oh, here we go. If you don't take care of him every day, he gets sick and dies. Does he die instantly or is he like, I'm getting sick? You failed me, Jesse. Pretty much. And then Leonard Nimoy's like, oh, you blew it. That's intense.

Do we have another call, Brian? Yeah, we do. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, Go, guests. I have a momentous occasion and a moment of shame. After many years of not drinking, I was out at my company Christmas party today, and I've made many strides in my life recently and felt much better mentally and thought,

you know what, I can do this. I can make a return. I could drink again without feeling bad. And I didn't feel bad until I realized my tolerance isn't what it used to be. And on an attempt to walk into the bathroom, I tripped over a tiny step, hit my head off the toilet had my hat fall into said toilet and didn't bleed from my eyebrow I made a swift goodbye

to my co-workers and I'm currently on the subway home because I have a personal policy that when you're bleeding from your face it's time to leave the party but yeah just I in a momentous moment of shame it's time to leave the party. But yeah, just I...

In a momentous moment of shame, I returned to having some drinks tonight and it did not go as planned. Is that a super sad call? And a partridge in a pear tree. Wow. That was intense. For sure. That'll show him to attempt to drink in moderation.

Yeah, but you do forget that your tolerance goes down. Fuck it. I gave up drinking for a few months and had a glass of wine and I was off my tits. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

One time I wasn't feeling well and I upgraded to the kind of the fancy JetBlue seat. Oh, yeah. Like $15 upgrade? No, no. There's like a nice part of JetBlue now. And it was a very tempting amount of money. It was not that much money to upgrade to the nice ones. Right.

It's like JetBlue first class they have now. And, you know, they come and they just bring you some champagne. And you're like, why not? And I'm like, well, I'm not going to not drink this champagne. And I was like, whoa, from like a flute of free champagne. Because you're up high and you're dehydrated. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I like, you know, I cut way back on my drinking last year. And I, you know, I had a time where I could put them away. But it like went away so fast. It goes away so fast. Also age. Yeah, also age. And I have like, you know, I have like two drinking friends left. And when I would get together with them, I had to be like, oh, by the way, I'm not fun anymore.

I am not. It's hard. I have to go to bed very quickly. Yeah, it's totally hard. I, when I, and I'm, luckily don't suffer with alcohol, from alcoholism or anything like that. I was just like, I want to make a healthy choice and not drink for a while. Sure. And I did like a solid six months and I was dating at the time.

And dating is really hard without drinking. Were you like app dating? I was app dating. Yeah, geez. And like, you know, like so meeting guys for the first time with like and not having a glass of wine is like so hard it's totally hard and i know like it's it yeah it um uh yeah and it is amazing what i also didn't like about it it's like you cut back on it and you're like ah fuck i feel better fuck shit like oh they were right oh they were right exercise works getting sleep oh what anyway it's so true oh it's maddening you kind of want it not

to work you know you want it to be like oh but that was i wasn't doing anything wrong although i also gave up weed during that time and i don't think that helped at all that oh sure yeah i was like no don't give up the guns bro the and alcohol, giving that up made me feel better. Yeah. I definitely did a little coffee fast recently and then had two sips of McDonald's coffee and had to leave society. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's insane.

I don't drink a lot of coffee anymore. And I had a large one. I had to take my boyfriend to the airport early this morning. So I was like, I earned a large coffee. And I have been like, my heart has been racing all day. I feel like I'm just sweating. That's why you're just sitting in any chair you feel like. He won't let it go.

I'm punched out a camel at the zoo. I wonder how if I sat in Jesse's chair, it would have gone down. I think Jesse would have just been like, that's my chair. I want to sit there. Yeah. Right? I have self-respect. I bought these chairs at the thrift store.

That's true. Really? You got these at the thrift store? Yeah. They're real nice. Thank you. They feel like the chair that a teacher would have. You know, not the students, but the teacher. Like the one good chair in the classroom. Every time I sit in them, I get ready to take the SAT. I can mentally

go over my analogies. If you've got a momentous occasion for us, JJ, go at MaximumFun.org for your voice memos or 206-984-4FUN for your telephone calls. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt. So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy.

Come on, Corey. She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey. Won't she learn what it's all about? Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family. Do you want him staying with us?

He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight. A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society, for maximum fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hey, it's Jesse, the host of Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. I'm coming to Portland, Oregon. We're going to be doing a very special live episode of Bullseye, my NPR interview show. It's taking place Friday, February 15th at Revolution Hall.

What are you going to see? If you go to Portland, Oregon to see this show, you will see me live on stage talking with folks like Corin Tucker from Slater Kinney, director Lance Bangs, writer Bill Oakley, Simpsons legend. We will also have live music from Roseblood and live comedy from Katie Nguyen. It's going to be a blast and a half.

It's also part of a big podcast festival called Listen Up Portland. Tons of other great podcasts are playing at it too. Our pals the Doughboys, among others. So, again, that's Friday, February 15th at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, 7pm. Tickets are on sale now. Get them at

listenupportland.com And thanks! Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Allison Becker, caffeinated guest. I'm glad you're so pumped. Uh-huh. You've been doing a great job. Hey, thanks.

So have you guys. I don't know if anyone ever checks in with you, but I just want to let you know you're both doing great. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Guests don't usually tell us we're doing a good job. Fuck those guys. Yeah, thank you.

She's not technically a guest. She's the new co-host of the show. I'm sorry. Oh, well, she's. Yeah, thank you. She's not technically a guest. She's the new co-host of the show. I'm sorry. Oh, well, she's... Yeah, that's true. She's making sure I leave on a high note. Mm-hmm.

This has been fun, but, you know, honestly, I think the show will be better. I'm going to listen. I'm going to subscribe right now. Oh, thanks so much. Because I didn't listen

when I was on it, but now... When we decided to split this show 50-50, we probably should have come up with an exit strategy for when you get fired. Because you still have 50% equity. Yeah. So I don't

know how your equity affects Allison. Allison's going to be working on salary. I haven't finished a session on HBO, so I also don't know how. Can you guys give me like four days to finish it? Four days? Sorry, I got a lot to do.

What? You're not doing this anymore. Me and Maddie have to play Smash. It's real. I'm maining Incineroar. Okay. But I can do it in three. I can probably do it in three.

See? I can finish the session in three. See how easy you caved? Jesse, we're like, sure, you can have four days. I was like, no. We don't have time for this. Yeah.

This is, that's why. It's a session, baby. Allison is here. She's the one who's read Art of the Deal. Who knows? Right. To make this thing work. Yeah.

Yeah. Fact check. I have not read Art of the Deal. It'd be very bad. Thanks, politifact.org. Yeah. Allison Becker's read Art of the Deal. That gets three Pinoc.org. Yeah. Alison Becker's Red Art of the Deal. That gets three Pinocchios.

Yeah. Pants on Fire is the rating from the Washington Post. Alison, we'll see you at SF Sketch Fest. Yeah, I'm excited. It's going to be great. Jonathan Coulton is going to perform a couple songs. You know, he just announced a new album. Yeah, sure.

All 70s soft rock covers. Oh, that's so. Yeah, sure. All 70s soft rock covers. Oh, that's so cool. And not only are they 70s soft rock covers, they're 70s soft rock covers where he has endeavored to as exactly recreate the original arrangement as possible, which he is so passionate about. I have no idea why he's doing it, but it is definitely art because I have no idea why he's doing it, but it is definitely

art because I have talked to him about it and I've seen his eyes light up and he says, I make every sound on the album. That's amazing. For this. Normally covers are a different thing where you try and make it your own. But for Jonathan

this is about exactly recreating the original recordings with him singing. And he's his passion about it is like palpable. How do you think

his acting's gonna be? Fair. Yeah. I mean, at least You can only have one gift. Yeah, that's true. At least as good as mine. But the thing is

is he doesn't have to John Mattress. He doesn't have to carry the burden of being the star of the show like i do true do you know what the word star means yeah sure just checking in i also it's also called top lining okay so you just have a false view of reality well i've read Art of the Deal, if that's what you mean. There we go. You know what? For some reason, people haven't bought these tickets.

A couple more guest stars to mention. Yeah. Blaine Kepatch. Yeah. Jean Grey is going to be our fill-in narrator. Yeah. Caitlin Gill, Larry's stand-up comic, Caitlin Gill. Sarah Claspel, host of the Everything is Rent podcast.

And Nick Weiger. Oh, I love Nick Weiger. The burger boy himself. Yeah, Nick Weiger's great. The burger boy himself. Can he act? No. But he'll try.

What are you guys excited about in SF? Just as a city. Oh, you know, something that I think we're doing. Yeah. Because we're going to go with Mike Mitchell to the Tonga Room. It's my favorite tiki bar. It's a ton of fun. That I've ever been to.

Yeah. Noted tiki enthusiast Mike Mitchell is going to be seeing it for the first time. Oh, Mike, he's going to lose his shit. He's going to flip about the little boat that drives around the pool. And you know it rains. Yeah. It's going to be seeing it for the first time. Oh, Mike. He's going to lose his shit. He's going to flip about the little boat that drives around the pool. And you know it rains. Yeah. Oh. It's going to rule.

That's what I'm excited about. I asked. So if you've never been to the Tonga Room, it's the room that used to be the indoor pool of the Fairmont Hotel. They left the pool and now it's a tiki bar. And when I was there, I asked the manager, I was like, how often does somebody jump in the pool? Because it's no longer like for swimming.

And he was like, like once a night. And I was like, are they banned for like life? He goes, no, they can come back the next day. I was like, oh, I'm going to jump in that pool. Which of the three of us do you think will be the most likely to jump in the pool? Yeah, I'll probably jump in. I'm a party animal. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, jump in that pool. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us at SFSketchFest. You can find us at MaximumFun.reddit.com. On Facebook, you can like Jordan, Jesse, go. Hashtag your tweets. Hashtag JJ go. We're on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris.

Allison, you're over there on the Twitter, right? I am. At the Allison Becker. Allison is one L. Good tweets. Good tweets to you, too. Good tweets, m'lady. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.

Bye, y'all. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.