Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 568: Call Me A Cat with Dana Gould

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

Dana Gould (Stan Against Evil, The Dana Gould Hour) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of why car dealerships always have the worst coffee, Dana's attempt to recreate the childhood that he wished he had, and how each of their dads fell short on their birthdays. Plus, Dana has an idea for how robot babies can solve the problem of people texting while driving.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Doe, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Now Jordan, you recently switched from coffee to green tea. Yeah. Yeah. It's very perceptive of you.

Now, I know that the primary effect of the green tea, as you described it last week on the program, was that it made you more smug. Oh, sure. described it last week on the program was that it made you more smug. Oh, sure. You now seem somewhat more relaxed. Well, just to catch you up, I've switched again. Oh, really? It's not green tea that I'm drinking. It's herbal tea.

Oh, wow. And with that switch comes a whole new me. Really? Yeah. It's sort of more like a yogurt commercial you. Well, here. Sitting cross-legged in front of a white background

thinking about... I think I can sum it up in one interaction. Just do me a favor. Tell me some like mildly good news. Nothing like earth shattering, but just like, you know, you found a great parking space or, you know, something like that. Sure. Okay. Jordan, I had the most wonderful halibut yesterday.

Oh, I'm going to backtrack a little bit. No food. Oh, no food. Yeah. So just got to be something kind of logistical. Got to be a little bit. No food. Oh, no food stuff. So just got to be something kind of logistical. Got to be different. You got to have a great deal on paper towels or something like that. So just go ahead. Great. Okay, go ahead.

But no food stuff. Yeah. Okay. Oh, Jordan. Mm-hmm. My son got a great part in the school play. Mm, yummy. Ooh, yummy. Ooh.

Oh, yummy. Mm. Oh. Do you want a long hug? Do you want a long hug with a sharp inhale before? This is my new vibe. This is the new me. I don't date anymore.

I take lovers. I'll be taking a lover. Auditions are open for spring lovers. Ooh. Sign-ups at my P.O. box. Yummy. Jordan, I can't. Do you like this?

I can't. Do you want to do this for the whole show? I can't help but notice that you've got both of your hands on that oversized mug. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a big part of my new vibe is how I drink the tea. Do you want to just go ahead and describe it for people? Yeah, well, you've got both hands. You've got your hands interlaced on

your oversized mug. You're breathing. You're inhaling more than drinking it. You're just enjoying sort of the warmth of the cup. Yummy. I won't keep this up. Okay.

I think we've come to the end. Yeah. Well, our producer is Brian. Our guest has been Dana Gould. Thanks, Dana. Follow him on Twitter. Our guest on this week's program is the host of the Dana Gould Hour podcast. He is a legendary stand-up comic and comedy writer.

He's currently making the jack-off motion. Yummy. Yummy. He's got a salt-and-pepper beard, Jordan. I'm not going to tell you a lie. He looks very handsome. More salt than pepper.

He looks very handsome in his salt-and-pepper beard. He looks like a very worldly and interesting man. That's the illusion. My dad always said, more salt, less pepper, you're less likely to sneeze. Then he died the following week. Wow, the next week. The beard gives me the illusion of a jawline. But I was admiring your teeth.

Hey, hey. Thumbs up. Me too. Well, yours is just, you have a mighty beard. I just have. I've got kind of a topiary. Yeah. I've got the Riker.

I've got the season two Riker. Uh-huh. And you have the little bighorn. Uh-huh. Yeah. The character that you're doing, I'm assuming is a character, the other Jordan. That was everyone. That's what we call him.

We used to do that. That's Jordan 2, and I'm Jordan Prime. I went to the University of Massachusetts. Yes. At Amherst. And that was everyone at Amherst. People that have never seen Conditioner holding a mug with two hands mmm

mmm and then the voice was basically Sally Kellerman doing a salad dressing commercial Hidden Valley Ranch has created a new sauce mmm I've just had some mung tea

yeah it makes you conservative it makes you want to be conservative I've just had some mung tea. Yeah. It makes you conservative. It makes you want to be conservative. Yeah. I see you have a coffee-related t-shirt on. Are you a big coffee guy? I guess I don't know that about you. I'm a vicious coffee drinker.

It's actually my only sort of vice. Yeah. I don't drink. I have about a beer a week. And I've just never picked it up. What about envy? Oh, no. That I'm riddled with envy.

I'm more envy than man. But in terms of like drinking and drugs and stuff, like I just – it's really just for me it's just coffee and it's – I'm not effing around. Yeah. I'm trying effing around. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to kick it. Why? That was what I thought when I heard that. Yeah. Why?

I've been sleeping weird. Well, I can relate to that. And in the middle of the day, I'll get mad for no reason. Oh, no. You're just Irish. Oh, wow. Could be. That has nothing to do with caffeine.

I can ascribe to both of those things. But I don't know if not having coffee would help. Sugar, getting rid of sugar helped me a lot. Oh, yeah? Yeah. With what? Just mood and I lost a little bit of weight and I felt better about myself. And if you don't have it, you don't crave it.

And if you have it, you want it. Like sex or love, I keep those very separate. Or conditioner. Okay. But yeah, but I really, I literally do like, I have an automatic coffee maker and I wake up, I have to get up very early every morning And it's there in the kitchen and I'm like, you. You made this for me.

I was still asleep when you came on. And the coffee maker's wearing one of your dress shirts. An oversized one. I found this in your closet. You look great in it. Thanks. I've got to go to work. Sure. I could never leave my wife. What? Nothing.

You're not pregnant, are you? You're on the pill, right? I think my, I think maybe if I did more home coffeeing, I would be better. And I've talked about this on the show before, but it is the unpredictability of modern coffee that I just feel like I cannot fuck with anymore. You also are famous. You are deeply... Thank you.

Our producer... Full stop. fuck with anymore you also are famous you are deep thank you our producer full stop i am famous you have long been committed yeah i mean we're in like uh the age of the like fourth wave coffee shop or something someone was telling me about this when I was in, here's a surprise, Portland, Oregon. Really? An intricate coffee discussion, you say. Last time I was in Portland, Oregon, I saw a bicycle with a beard. Having a discussion about the economy of coffee. Going to a vintage hardware store. I think that you are the friend of mine as a non-coffee drinker who most conspicuously is committed to any coffee in the world rather than a special kind of coffee. Yeah. In those times, perhaps because she was a barista as a teenager, she has gotten deeply further and further, further down the rabbit hole of trying to brew the perfect cup.

Yeah, I don't I don't I understand that. I understand that. I don't really like instant coffee offends me. But outside of that, I'll just I'll just drink some coffee. Yeah, I mean, Jordan, you almost take pride at least as I've known you in drinking whatever coffee is there. Sure, yes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I bought some beans that were too dark.

I like a nice medium blend and I bought some beans that said Mexican. I was like, oh good, this is a good blend and it's really dark and I can't decide if I just drink through it or I chuck them. A man who roasts the coffee himself then sends me an email once a week. My wife and I order beans from him and he brings them to our house and puts them in our mailbox.

Holy Lord. He made an exception to the circle that he delivers to his radius. Yeah, he's a very nice man. He looks a little bit like Jay Maskis. Okay. From Dinosaur Jam. Shocked. Shocked.

Yeah, because I remember we had a milkman when I was a kid. Oh, wow. In Massachusetts. Like we had a milkman when I was a kid. Oh, wow. In Massachusetts. They would, you know, you'd leave the order out and you had a tin box on your porch and they would leave milk or orange juice. And we could like, can we get chocolate milk this week?

And they'd put it in. This is early 70s. And it is something in the culture that's left is that a stranger would leave some liquid on your porch the night before and the next day you'd drink it. The coffee man for a time, he will also allow you to order coffee from him and then pick it up during his office hours. So he keeps office hours and for a time he was offering that your coffee was free if you could beat him at ping pong. Oh, God.

When you stopped by during his office i was there is a coffee place that i went to and uh where they it's literally like dr frankenstein's lab where they have the you know the arm dripping into the like you can't just get a cup of coffee right it's at all the graduated cylinder yeah yeah and i do i feel like jack webb making fun of hippies but i'm like dude it's a cup of coffee it's just you know it's like what area of the globe would you like your beans i don't know the brown coffee i like brown coffee i you know i i will i will correct you a little bit i do actually have a preference um there's this great hyundai dealership by my house and i just go in every morning i pretend pretend I'm interested in a Hyundai, get myself a little styrofoam cup and then I start my day.

You've test driven so many Elantras. Yeah, exactly. It's, you know, it's a little bit of a day killer, but you got to be interested or else they won't. Yeah. Car dealership coffee is among the worst coffee in the world. Yeah. And the way that, and I don't know what, it's, it's, it's, it's kind of just as easy to make

good coffee. Sure. You know, that is, you know, it's like of just as easy to make good coffee. Sure. You know? That is – You know, it's like why is the saddest music always playing in a laundromat? You know? Why is SiriusXM's watercolors on? Put on the Go-Go's.

We're all trapped here. Can't we – As the greatest hits is available to you. Yeah. Is there something to – Watercolors. Trapped here. As the greatest hits is available to you. Is there something to. Watercolor. Maybe you're, maybe you are more likely to buy the car if you have to shit. If you are like, if you, if you have a little of the coffee and it gives you the shit, you're like, I got to get out of here.

Yeah, it's fine. Sure. LX package, you'll say. I want the undercoating. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have some myself if i don't get out of here which is what i call taking a shit dropping off the old lx package i can understand that i mean there is a moment i i would think that it would be like a negotiation tactic like i i when

i bought my last car it was the first new car i'd ever bought and i used one of those apps to get a price then i went to test drive it at it at the one that was near my house. And I went and test drove it. And I was like, well, this is actually the color I want and the features I want. If you'll match this price, I'll just buy it from you. Because I had this great salesman named Patrick, who at one point I asked him a question. He went, what was that? I'm sorry.

I was spacing out. And I was like, this is the greatest car yeah what's the opposite of the hard sell uh and so anyway patrick you know it's one of those things where we he goes into his guy you know he's like i gotta go talk to my boss and he's not talking to his boss he's just going the back exactly 100 to 100 through 100 400 here's what i can do. Otherwise, they get my kid in a bag and they're holding him over some water. He came out and he asked for like $200 more than what the app had said so that he could like win.

Yeah, exactly. And I was so excited about the – That you've completed a negotiation. That 40 minutes earlier he had said that thing about how he was just spacing out when I asked him a question. That I just wanted him to be happy and have the $200. Yeah. But I could see having to shit serving the same facilitative purpose. He comes back and asks for an extra $200

knowing that you've really got to hit the head. Yeah. And they add something like, sorry, I was just in the back watching this video of these logs coming down a sluice chute and splashing into this river. It's just one after the other after the other.

They couldn't stop them. Those want to move. They want to move. I love to flume. Restrooms for customers only, it says. So they won't give you up the code unless you buy the car. Exactly. Dana, you were – if I remember, the one car thing I know about you is that you were a Volvo guy for a long time.

I still have that car. Really? I still have that car. Yeah, my 92 – I have a 92 Volvo 240. It's a tank. I still have that car. Yeah, my 92 – I have a 92 Volvo 240. It's a tank.

I have it in my garage still. I drive a Prius around. If you decide to get a new Volvo, can I recommend Patrick? Is that what you got? It's a Volvo, man, baby. No, I'm not getting rid of it. I mean I really love this car and I had it for years. I think the only reason I stopped driving it was the air conditioning broke and my kids refused to get in it and I just I just bought a Prius I'm not a I'm not like a car guy but you

but you're you're committed to keeping it with you forever I yeah I mean I have like air in the tires no it has air in the tires it's under a cover and it has some work that needs to be done I have have like – there's some trim parts that I have them, you know, ready to put on if I ever want to just juice it up. This is when it becomes a lifestyle is when you have a supply of things to be attached to the car that have not yet been attached. Yeah, I've got two of them. I've got two pieces of trim. But it's a Volvo. It's not like a – you a Volvo and I did buy a 1965 Ambassador station wagon

and that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life that was my midlife crisis car were you trying who hasn't hit that midlife crisis and thought oh I gotta get me a 65 wagon yeah I gotta get something that feels like I'm driving the minnow

down Mulholland and I thought it was because I got to get something that feels like I'm driving the minnow down Mulholland. Yeah. And I thought it was because I go to the drive-in a lot. There's a drive-in theater 50 minutes east in Montclair, which is right next to Claremont. Oh. I know. And it's beautiful. It's called Mission Tiki.

And I love drive-ins. I used to work at a drive-in in high school. And my kids are into it. And I thought, well, this will be great for the drive-in. It's called Mission Tiki. And I love drive-ins. I used to work at a drive-in in high school. And my kids are into it. And I thought, well, this will be great for the drive-in. It's an old station wagon. And that thing is three tons of American steel, man. You can lay on the roof. Nothing's going to happen.

And my kids would not get in that car. Have you been to the drive-in in the city of industry? No. I know that drive-in. Yeah. This is a straight know that drive-in. Yeah. This is a straight shot, 50 minutes east. And the last time we were there, we saw The Meg, which is a great movie to see at the drive-in. Yeah.

I saw – Because you don't really need to hear it. You don't need to hear it and you don't want to – Yeah. It's not – nothing is lost if the dialogue is a bit inaudible. Yeah. My whole life is my attempt to recreate the childhood that I wish I had. My house was built in – and to that end, it's all like really great stuff from 1966.

What else does that entail? So station wagon drive-ins. My house was built in 66. That was not intentional. I just happened to be – but it's decorated that – it looks like Bewitched. It looks like you just went into Bewitched's house. It's very mid-century modern and there's a lot of great stuff. And like I take my kids to go-karts.

We go to the drive-in. I like to go to Cindy's in Eagle Rock, which is a great like mid-century restaurant. I don't dress that way. I'm not weird about it, fetishistic about it. Sure. You don't wear flame shirts. No, and I don't. You don't have a totem pole from the Planet of the Apes movies.

I don't have a totem pole. I could get one in 24 hours. But it's funny. I saw those movies at the drive-in. And when the new ones came out, I'm like, guys are going to the drive-in to see it. But it was just like to see Planet of the Apes on the drive-in marquee was such a big deal to me. What do you think about those new ones? They are crazy in their own way, aren't they?

They're great. Yeah, they're great. I think they're terrific. I'm an easy – I'm also easily pleased. Once you make stuff, you realize it's hard to make stuff. I think they're terrific. I'm an easy – I'm also easily pleased. Once you make stuff, you realize it's hard to make stuff. Sure. Anybody – like people make fun of Ed Wood.

I'm like, that guy directed four movies. Who the hell are you? Those new ones, the fun thing to do in those new ones is that they are very melodramatic. They're not fun. They could be a little more fun. They could be a little more fun. It's just fun to – they are about the horrors of war and the apes with PTSD. Yeah, that's true.

But it's so fun. The last one is basically the story of Moses. Yeah. With all the hilarity of the story of Moses. Yeah, and spoiler alert, it ends in the end of humanity. Yeah, it does. Yeah, which I have no problem with. But it is just fun, like, because you're like, I was thinking as I was watching this,

like, oh, these are such humorless movies in a way, but then I'm like, no, it's a talking monkey. There's an innate joke that happens for the runtime, which is the monkey's talking. Well, in the second of the new ones,

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, they've, no, this was in the last one, War for the Planet of the Apes. They did get them throwing poop into it. Yeah. Which I was like, God bless them. That's what we've been waiting for. But it was completely in the, it was completely relevant to the story. It was, it came from a real place.

Not gratuitous poop throwing. No, it wasn't. I was very impressed by that. But yeah, that was the point I was making about I like my childhood version of what I think a cool life would be, which is when I bought a ridiculous car. It was a 1965 station wagon. I would never think to buy – Like a Mustang or whatever. Or just a crazy new car. I have to say I drove a 1960s car for a time.

It's awful. It's awful. Like you, it was not a super cool 1960s car. I drove a Dodge Dart. Oh, that's a nice, that's a slant six. That's nice. It was a four-cylinder, unfortunately. Oh, wow.

Because that engine, that's a famous engine. Yeah, it was a real rinky-dinky. And the main things I remember were just, I would just, well, the multiple times it just stopped working while I was on the freeway. Oh, yeah, you don't want that. You're just like, wait a minute, this car just turned into a soapbox derby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, it's quiet. This thing runs quiet.

Turned into a soapbox derby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, it's quiet. This thing runs quiet. But the other thing is just like how aware I was the entire time that I did not have a shoulder belt or disc brakes. Much less anti-lock brakes. Oh, no. It's just some brake drums going.

And for the car to run, you had to be smoking cigarettes, right? Yeah. You had to be smoking cigarettes in it. A can in there against it. That's what the lighter is for. Yeah. Yep. Flick them out the window. Throw the can out the window when you're done.

Yeah. Complain about President Johnson. Sure. It was very lovely. I mean, I would look – it had a big, round steering wheel. Which, when you crash into a tree goes through your chest. It was so beautiful. It was the most beautiful steering wheel and it felt wonderful to hold. Had the hand grips in it?

Much better, yeah. And it had just one post that came up from the steering column. And it was beautiful, but then I would look at it and I would just know that I had no shoulder belt and if i even had to just like stop quickly at a stoplight it would impale yeah that's like

built to impale what year was it 65 65 but that's a beautiful looking car it was it was a very handsome car i had a 1974 uh plymouth duster same family. And it was gross. It looked like a poorly executed half-used tube of toothpaste. And you realize that design went downhill. Like from around 68, design just took a dump. Yeah, well, certainly in the mainstream, dump. Yeah, well certainly in the mainstream. Yeah, just a good 20 years.

It was just gross. Everything was avocado green and macrame orange. You look at people in advertising in like 1974. The clothes and the style, it's obscene. It's so bad. And then you go back to like 65 people look great. Do you think that's why they ended Mad Men when they did? It's true, though.

Because no one will look cool. Because Don, I know. They were creeping up on it, too, toward the end. They were creeping up on it. And my dad is Don Draper's age. You know, it's like I know how Don Draper ends up. Sure. And yeah, and there's some horrible bad shirts, bad hair, beard, giant lapels and lapels, shirt lapels that would go over the lapel of the jacket.

Yeah. Grotesque. My dad. I found a picture of Nipsey Russell this week online in a tuxedo shirt combination that nearly knocked me out of a chair. There is. My dad. My parents didn't really have cars most of my childhood. But when I was about 10, maybe, a friend of my father's died and left my dad his car. Oh, I didn't know how those stories connected.

And it was just really 180 and honest. This is word jazz. Yeah. It was a very exciting time for me because I was not close with my dad's friend. It was, I'm sure, very sad for my dad. Yeah. But I had only met my dad's friend a couple of times. Yeah.

It was not sad to me. And we inherited both his, I'm going to say, 16 inch black and white television, which was a big improvement over our previous 11 inch black and white television. Wow. television, which was a big improvement over our previous 11-inch black and white television. And we inherited his Chevy Nova, 77 Chevy Nova. Oh, that's a nice car. Oh, 77. It was four doors. A 1977 Chevy Noda is the automotive.

It's the automotive equivalent of a porn mustache. It was truly, it had electric windows that didn't work. It had a cassette deck that ate tapes. It had vinyl seats. Not an 8-track tape. No, an actual cassette deck, which must have been in 1977. That was top of the line. By the way, the nameplate of the Chevy Nova is an integral part to War of the Planet of the Apes. How so?

Then they give it to the little girl and she is Nova. Oh, yeah. That is the name check for Linda Harrison from the first movie. And most. I'm looking it up online. It was. And please don't look up the coupe. It was the sedan.

Metallic brown. Yeah, the two words that do not go together. Yeah, metallic brown. My first car was also a friend of the family gift. I think it was an 83 or an 84 Nissan, and the color was champagne. Oh, champagne. Yeah. Oh, you had the Nova sedan.

Yeah, that car is the design equivalent of a brown shoe. Yeah. There's nothing happening. They were just like, okay, car. It should have been called a car. Yeah. Car. Yeah, that's a terrible.

Yeah, there's, you know, we grew up in the, I grew up in the 70s. And, you know, the. up in the – I grew up in the 70s. And, you know, the – I'm a 90s baby. Yeah, the hair, the – just everything was horrible. I graduated high school in the early 1980s. But I was a kid in the 70s. And you look back on stuff I remember watching on television and you think, my God, look at those clothes. It's a different planet.

It's literally a different planet. They really – they figured out how to put color into clothes permanently through the use of petroleum. Yep. Yep. They did. And they really went wild with that shit yeah yeah it was like we let's there's a lot of photograph shirts that's a big one shirts with photographs on them yeah or paintings yeah everyone looks like the carpet in a public library

look at just look at pictures of the individual beet Beatles in 1966 and then look at them in 1976 and compare how they look. It's – nobody improved. No one improved. Yeah. You'd think they would be like a fine wine. Yeah. Dana, can I back up and ask you a question about drive-ins? Sure.

At the Tiki drive-in. Yeah. And then once he's done, I have a quick diner question and a dive question. Okay. Yeah. After this, you guys want to go to Flavortown? Flavoville? Yeah.

Flavoville? East Flavortown. What's the crowd like at the Mission Tiki drive-in? It's great. They have four screens, and it's all new movies, and it's two movies, and it's families. Is it a Tiki drive-in? It's called Mission Tiki, and it's Tiki-themed. The snack bar is Tiki-themed.

Is it a— It's a lot of middle- class families in the Inland Empire. Is it a contemporary drive-in or was it created – No, it's – well, it was old. We used to go to it ironically in the 90s when you might get knifed there. Right. Me and Ken Daly and people like that who you look like a young Ken Daly. Ooh. I have not Ken Daly. Ooh.

I have not been told that. Yeah. Let's see. I get – Ken Daly is a very good friend of mine. He's something of a gadfly in the comedy scene. I get a Michael J. Pollard a lot. Yeah, I can see that.

I get a Kat Noswalt. Ken – look up – but Ken was a child actor and he did a – what was the green – Shamrock Shake commercial. Oh, wow. As a child that you could be him in that commercial. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and take that as a compliment. I like being as attractive as a man who could sell a Shamrock Shake. I was with – and someone I care of.

I was with him today. But, yeah, no, the drive-in, it is contemporary, and the technology's contemporary. It's digital projection, and you go and you're like, Mac, all right, screen 3, 89.7, and you put your car radio on 89.7, turn

off the engine, kill the lights, and that's the sound of the movie, and you watch the movie. We have a minivan. You back it up. You open up the back. You put a lawn chair. The kids hang out. Everybody has a great time. Screen 2, 89.3 KPCC. You get to listen to Terry Gross. Good station ID.

The drive-in in Commerce is the one I've been to a couple of times. And that is... Those names are the city of industry. The city of commerce. It's so gross. Oh, I think it actually might be the city of industry. Right. The city of commerce. It's so gross. Oh, I think it actually might be the city of industry. Yeah, it is.

But it's just like it's such a gross name. It's like that horrible new building in San Francisco that it doesn't look like a dildo, but it does look like a case for a dildo. Yeah. I know the one from that description. I know exactly the one. Yeah, it looks like if you're taking a dildo through the airport, you really had to get this dildo to Minneapolis. Yep. You know, that would be the case.

Now somebody needs a dildo transfusion. Right. And you know what that building is called? The Salesforce Building. Ooh. It's like, oh, you found a way to make it worse. It seems to be people – like half the people are like families there to see the movie and half of the people are there because it's like a cheap place to park their car while they sleep. That's also – It seems –

Either one is great. Like I can't be on the road right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's – I mean it's not – it is not a place for film buffs if you're there to take in the movie. Maybe you're in the wrong place. Because I've always felt a little bit while I'm there, I'm like, there's people kind of wandering. It depends on the movie. Is it a sexual wandering?

You know what? Oddly the name of my new novel. I mean, yes, sexual slash aimless, but – It depends on the movie. Yeah. Like a good slasher movie is great to see at the drive. The last movie – So I saw – so I've always been a little bit annoyed by The Wandering.

I saw Annabelle at the drive and it was perfect. I saw the new Halloween and I'm like, I love this wandering. Yeah, it's perfect. This is adding to it. Yeah, it's perfect. This is like who – they should hire wanderers to do that in theaters while you watch it. Lurk around. The last movie I saw at the drive-in was Mo Money.

Mm-hmm. Damon Wayans' vehicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo Money. And then it's a sequel, Mo Money and Monte Carlo. Uh-huh. Sure. He really took Mo Money around the world.

Mo Money goes bananas. Yeah. I liked all the Damon Wayans is a star movies. That was the time I was like... Let's give it a shot, said Hollywood. I was a fan of In Living Color, and I was happy to be somewhere without my mom. Handyman, you say. Sold.

No, I think Blank Man. I don't think they made a Handyman movie, but Blank Man. I remember being a real rollicking good time. I think Blank Man. I don't think they made a handyman movie, but Blank Man. Yeah. I remember being a real rollicking good time. I will not revisit it. I definitely liked Mo Money. And I remember Mo Money was on a double bill with Ace Ventura, and I did not like Ace Ventura, but I did like Mo Money.

Major Payne. That's a good one. Major Payne. Damon Wayans' vehicle. Damon Wayans really started to want a Money. Major Payne. That's a good one. Major Payne. Damon Wayans vehicle. Damon Wayans really started to want a movie. He sure did. I think those kinds of comedies, they don't make a ton of anymore. But I think you can just make them like Liam Neeson makes throat-punching movies now.

I think they are just so quick and easy to shoot. My kids are pretty savvy kids. My oldest are teenagers now. And, you know, they're as smart as anybody. But they love – they love Paul Blart Mall Cop. Interesting. They're Blart heads. They love them some Paul Blart Mall Cop.

How do they feel about Paul Blart Mall Cop too? Have you seen Paul Blart Mall Cop? Because all I know – You might watch it with them. Frankly, all I know about Paul Blart Mall Cop is that every time there is a new Paul Blart Mall Cop, which there's only been two, right? Yeah. Jimmy Pardo talks about how shocked he is and how much he enjoys Paul Blart Mall Cop. Yeah.

It's utterly enjoyable. It's nothing – and it's – you know, it's – you know, God bless those guys. That reminds me. I need to warm up for my musical performance. Paul Blart Mall Cop. Paul Blart Mall Cop. My oldest daughter, who's super funny. Blank man.

Blank man. Even way. She loves Bob's Burgers. Uh-huh. Doesn't – and loves Bob's Burgers. Likes Fut Burgers. Uh-huh. Doesn't, and loves Bob's Burgers. Likes Futurama. Uh-huh. Doesn't give a crap about The Simpsons.

Uh-huh. And yet is a character on The Simpsons. Ling Bouvier, Selma's adopted Chinese baby, is my oldest daughter, Lulu. I wrote that episode, and her design is Lulu's baby picture. And I go, you know, you're a character on The Simpsons. Yeah. It doesn't sway her at all. The truth, if I know one thing about whatever the generation that comes after millennials

is called, it's that they fucking love Bob's Burgers. Yeah, they sure do. And I'm not saying they're wrong. Bob's Burgers is great. But there's something love Bob's Burgers. Yeah, they sure do. And I'm not saying they're wrong. Bob's Burgers is great. But there's something about Bob's Burgers that speaks to the depth of their soul. Yes. And I – God love them. I know those people.

I love those people. I'm at a loss to know what – and I ask children, what do you like about Bob's Burgers? And everything she likes about Bob's Burgers, then I'll say, well, what don't you like about The Simpsons? And it's just everything you like about it you could say about The Simpsons. The children that come to a Judge John Hodgman show, I just got back from a

little Judge John Hodgman tour, and we will have these 10 and 12 year olds come to the show because it's a pretty family friendly show and they'll you know, this is really cute. They're so nervous to meet john and stuff they will talk to me about bob's burgers yeah i'm like you guys know that i'm not on but i would love to be on bob's burgers i'm available yeah no it's crazy it's crazy yeah i a lot of it sounds improvised to me not improvised but it sounds like they let him riff around, which

was not true on The Simpsons. Even a little. I'm always trying to figure out people who are four or five years younger than me. That is a kind of person who I feel like I interact with a lot. You're talking about Generation Pokemon?

Yeah! There are just a little handful of things that I don't get. Pokemon is definitely one of them. Even though I am interacting with the Pokemon characters a fair bit playing Super Smash Brothers Ultimate, but I do not know what the Pokemon are or what they do in the world. Blendar is good. Huh? Blendar.

Oh, good. That's good to know. Is Incineroar good? That's. Oh, good. Yeah. That's good to know. Is Incineroar good? That's the one I know. Yeah. Cool. There's a whole series of them based on household appliances. Peninar.

Peninar Press. His special power is he wraps things fresh. Yeah. So there's, so, okay. So it's Pokemon. Food saver. Yeah, that's good. Vacuum power.

Let's just go with Peninar Press. Okay. I'm going to try to punch this up. Just adding. We all want to go to lunch. We all want to go to lunch. Yes, and. Yes, and.

Hocus Pocus, the movie Hocus Pocus. Yeah. Space Jam. Yeah. Space Jam. Do not understand. The depth of passion for Space Jam. With people who are like four or five years younger than me.

Yeah, you ask a 32-year-old how they feel about Space Jam, they'll tell you all fucking about it. And I remember, I think I saw Space Jam. I think I had Ace Ventura-like feelings about it. Yeah. It's not good. And the one thing, and the biggest gap that I just can't wrap my brain around is that there are people who deeply love South Park but don't care about The Simpsons. And I'm like, well, I like South Park. South Park is very funny.

Yeah. But why do you like it more than The Simpsons? Why would you? How would you? Because I'm assuming it's because The Simpsons, when they were growing up, it's like growing up with parents that are really into The Beatles. Yeah, sure. That you're not going to like The Beatles because they were your parents' favorite band.

Yeah. My parents are not into the Beatles, so I enjoy the Beatles. But I think it's just one of those things. It's like, I mean, of course my daughter doesn't like the Simpsons. I worked there. Sure. One day I turned 30 and I came to accept that I loved Van Morrison. It was all my dad ever listened to around the house.

But it took me until then because before that I was just like, shut up about the fucking mystic. You know who's a giant Van Morrison fan? Stephen Wright. Oh, really? Monster Van Morrison fan. Serious Van Morrison fan. Serious Van Morrison fan. Interesting. even right oh really monster van morrison serious van morrison fan serious van morrison fan interesting i will know i've become my father when i find a lord of the rings thing not boring

that's when i'll know oh really your dad's super into that he was yeah he really he really like for every birthday would get me a lord of a hobbit related Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, it was very sweet. I just meant a real Hobbit. An actual Hobbit, bound and gagged. He's like, go fucking nuts on him. And then he would lock us in the basement. Like, today my son is a man. Just hear, like, raccoon fight sounds coming from the basement.

I just want a seed cake. Not not my feet are we leprechauns here's your second breakfast your ring's not gonna save you now um yeah there's definitely one of those things where where you know i think he would also like forget that he had gotten it for me and that I did not like it. So I think there was a lot of little dad forgetfulness there. But yeah, he really tried with The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. And God love him, it didn't take. I think my dad would forget that my birthday was happening.

Yeah, I had that a couple times. Like the central trauma of my childhood, again, other than my parents' acrimonious divorce that lasted until today, frankly, was my dad, all I wanted was a scooter. I just wanted a scooter so bad. I want the kind that was kind of like a BMX bike, but it was a scooter. But you wanted your parents to divorce. Yeah. And they never did.

No, no. My parents divorced when I was three, but they remained in active court, in active legal battles until I was 15. Oh, that's awful. Yeah, it was terrible. But on the plus side, they both loved and supported me. But my dad bought me the scooter for Christmas when I was like eight. And then the next day, the day after Christmas, he put some of it together, and then he forgot to finish,

lost some of the parts, and never finished. Lost some of the parts. He just lost some of the pieces. I'll see your partially assembled scooter. I'll see your partially assembled scooter. August 24th, 1977. It's a hot, humid day in Massachusetts. Thank you for painting a picture. It's my 13th birthday. That's a crucial one.

Yeah, and to show you what a cool kid I was, I got the Star Wars T-shirt with Chewbacca and Han Solo shooting. Mm-hmm. You know? My mom got me that. That's a violence shirt. Oh, yeah. Very cool. I had a gun cabinet in my bedroom at that point in my life. I did. Because it was the only room in the house that it fit in. And I had four brothers and a dad that all hunted.

They were not your guns. No, but I woke up and saw nine or ten rifles. That was the first thing I would see when I would wake up. But my dad was unaware it was my birthday and then my mother told me, where'd you get that? And I go, mom got it for me. She goes, why'd you buy a t-shirt?

She goes, it's his birthday. And then my dad, fresh out of the shower, he's got his glasses on, tidy whitey underwear, and brown corduroy slippers. That's all he's wearing. He gets up, walks across the room, turns around, hikes his leg, farts at me and says, happy birthday, bud. And on that day, you became a man slash comedy writer. Yeah, exactly. I know what I'm going to do. Go into bars and beg strangers to love me.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Danny Gould, the guest. He sure is. He's not lying, folks. He's wearing a coffee Sasquatch t-shirt, which is just very squarely on brand. Yeah, it is.

Hairy, gross feet, and he likes coffee. Sure. And some people still don't believe you exist. That's very true. My theory was- Me having footage. The old joke. My take on the female orgasm, Same as my take on Bigfoot.

Believe it when I see one. Jordan. Yes. Every Jordan, Jesse Go episode is brought to you by all of the Maximum Fun members who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate to support this show and all the other great shows at Maximum Fun. We're also this week brought to you by The Crute. You mean Zip Recruiter to you by the Crute. You mean Zip Recruiter? Yeah, the Crute. You call it the Crute?

No, Graham and Dave on Stop Podcasting Yourself call it the Crute. They call it the Crute? So I think of it as the Crute. Okay, well, I guess so. Are you worried that people will think that it's either a wet cough or something to put on a salad? No, I mean I'm a little worried that people will think that we're a poor man, stop podcasting yourself. But they're not wrong. Sure, no, I'm happy to be that.

Yeah, that's fine. Hey, there's a smarter way to hire at Zip Recruiter because, you know, it's not smart. Job boards that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. Yeah, just picture a hiring manager sitting at their desk, tearing their hair out, crying, and wishing they had a mug of herbal tea to hold with both hands. They're overwhelmed by the wrong resumes, Jordan. Zip Recruiter, yummy. Zip Recruiter is the Moroccan mint tea of job recruitment websites.

That's our slogan for ZipRecruiter. Its mascot should be a bear who's in bed. You know what I like to have sometimes? What? A sweetened mint tea with a little milk. That sounds nice. It's really nice. You know what else I like?

ZipRecruiter? Yeah, exactly. You know, ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds the right people for you and actively invites them to apply. It's no wonder that ZipRecruiter's rated number one by employers in the U.S. This rating comes from hiring sites on Trustpilot with over 1,000 reviews. Right now, our listeners can try The Crute for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. Don't go to TheCrute.com.

Who knows what's at that website? Yeah. Probably kind of fun. Yeah, something cool. Don't go to the recruit.com. Who knows what's at that website? Yeah. Probably kind of fun. Yeah, something cool. If you love this show, show your support to it and ZipRecruiter by going to ziprecruiter.com slash JJGo. Try it for free. We're also this week sponsored in part by Care Of. Ooh, their naming convention is like that of Face Off.

Care slash of. That's true. My favorite movie. Do something good for your health in 2019. Care of makes it easy to stick to your health-related resolutions. Care of's fun online quiz asks you about your diet, health goals, and lifestyle choices and takes only five minutes. Then Care of delivers daily vitamin and supplement packs customized to your recommendations. Now, Jordan, can I ask you to picture something?

Sure. I love picturing things. Picture a hiring manager at their desk trying to get healthy. Yummy. And they've got piles upon piles of giant containers of vitamins, and they're flipping them all over everywhere, and there's vitamins spilling everywhere. And again, they're tearing their hair out, crying and wishing they had a two-handed mug of tea or a convenient daily packet of vitamins. Yeah.

And hey, if you want to feel good about your purchase, a portion of every sale goes toward the Good Plus Foundation, which provides expectant mothers in need with valuable prenatal vitamins. Take advantage of this month's special New Year's offer. For 50% off your first month of personalized Care of vitamins, go to TakeCareOf.com and enter JJGO50. Now, Jordan, we also have something up on the Jumbotron. Yeah, this is for Amy. A-I-M-E-E.

New MaxFun host, Amy Mann, we can only presume. Oh, sure. Check out Amy Mann and Ted Leo's new podcast on MaximumFun.org. And it's from Katie. One can only imagine it's... Katie Perry and Amy Mann communicating. There you go. I was going to say someone I went to fourth grade with.

Okay. Dearest Sister Amy. Katie Perry and Amy Mann are sisters. Who knew? Talent runs in the family. grade with. Okay. Dearest Sister Amy. Katy Perry and Amy Manor sisters. Who knew? Talent runs in the family. Beautiful voices. Yep. Dearest Sister Amy, thank you for my signed copy of Vacationland.

John Hodgman may have said that you are clever, but now Jordan and Jesse are declaring once and for all that I am the most clever, a.k.a. the cleverer sister. Thanks also for coming and helping us when Frederick was born. Love you. God. I love Frederick. Frederick's a beautiful child. Yeah. Frederick's great.

How do you—you pro-Frederick, Dana? Yeah, I am. I mean, gorgeous kid. Get a load of this kid? It's the opposite of childhoods. Mm-hmm. Childhood. Not childhood end. What was that movie?

Howard's End? Face Off? No. I'm going to revisit Face Off. Yeah. Was it The Rock? The baby stopped being born. Children of Men.

Children of Men. Yeah, it's the antithesis of children. Yeah. Hey, Dana Gould, do you have a message for people who live in Seattle? You know, yes. The Emerald City? The Emerald City. The Seattle.

The city by the bay. I will be performing in Seattle. The Windy City. Seattle. The Windy City. The birthplace of our democracy. Seattle. Seattle.

It's Tokyo. It's Tokyo. Sin City. Seattle, Washington. I love Sin City, Seattle, Washington. Seattle, the location of the Night Strangler, the 1973 Night Stalker sequel. I'll be performing this Friday night. Again, very on brand. Very on brand. I'll be performing this Friday night at the Triple Door with Kathy Sorbo and the Zuma Bella Trio.

And there's still a couple seats left. And you can get them wherever you get tickets to the Triple Door. I'll tell you what. You're not going to regret the decision that you make to go see Dana J. Gould live in concert. Do it if you're in Seattle and then do it whenever he's in your town if you don't live in Seattle. It's great. It's great fun. Jordan and I went to see Dana Gould at the Cobbs or the Punchline or something.

We were in college. Yeah. It's one of my favorite memories. It was great. It's a fond memory. Did you tell me? The time we went to see Dana Gould. Did you ever tell me this?

I remember we chatted with you outside. Yeah, we talked to you. I felt like real hot shit. Yeah. Like, oh, we talked to Dana Gould. Yeah. He's the best. Oh, wow. What year was that? Like 90? 74 hot shit. Yeah. Like, oh, we talked to Dana Gould. Yeah. He's the best. Oh, wow.

What year was that? Like, 90? 74? Yeah. Sure. I was just a pair of bell-bottoms with sideburns. We were all wearing orange vests. And we had the...

Our feet were going very far forward, but we were leaned back. Yeah, we had the keep on trucking pose. I was wearing macrame underpants. I bet it was 2002. Oh, okay. I would guess. 2002 or 3. Seattle, this is my message to you. Get a babysitter. Go see Dana J.

Gould. Yeah, and if you don't have kids, hire a babysitter so you'll have someone to go to the show with. Exactly. If you don't have kids, hire a babysitter, have sex with them, and maybe you'll have a kid later. By the way, speaking of babies, I had this. Have you ever done this?

I'm driving on the 101 today. Oh, yeah. I've done that. I'm right there with you. I was driving on the 101 earlier today myself. Totally not thinking. Were you going to the Japanga Vintage Market? I was going to Sky High trampoline, indoor trampolining in Van Nuys.

Fuck yeah. Shit, man. You guys' lives are so much better than mine. Mine sucks. And I reach out and I just, not even thinking, I just pick up my phone and look at something because I was thinking of something. And then I realized, realized fuck i'm driving and it's and it's just absent-mindedly like i never got that meme with the anime guy in the

butterfly oh my god yeah it was it was i was something i forget what it was i was i was thinking about but it was and it oh uh so I realized the best way to really hammer home that we can't text on the highway is – in a perfect world, you would just have toddlers, babies randomly crawl across a highway. Right. And everybody would be – But we can't live in your crazy utopia. Well, here's my theory. Bernie Sanders. Exactly.

But what I thought was you can't do that, but we could have robotic toddlers. Oh, yeah. Just pretty traumatic to hit them. And pink onesies randomly crawling across the highway. The only way it would work is if people would know for every 10, two of them are real babies. Right. So that way you're not flooding. You're not really flooding our highway with children.

Right. It's just a couple. But the stakes are real. And many of them are robotic. There's real stakes. Stakes are real. Yeah. That's my way to solve that problem.

Could we also have a few stakes strewn around the highway? That sounds nice. Nice. That sounds nice. Like mail orders. Quality stakes. Like prime. Omaha.

Speaking of, I was doing an ad recently on my little podcast. on the highway, but like nice. Like mail orders. Omaha. I was doing an ad recently on my little podcast, and it wasn't for the crute, but one of the enticements was, and I had to read it professionally, two pounds of fresh salmon. Oh, God.

You really sold that. You have to get that. You've really got to get it. Two pounds of fresh salmon. Pretend you're a bear. Red salmon sent to your house in a box. I thought it was going to spawn. You'll be afraid a bear will interrupt your mail. That's a federal bear crime.

Black bears have been assaulting mail carriers to get into the delicious sun. That's how fresh it is. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio suite. I'm Morris Boyd, detective. Dana Gould, guest. Dana Gould, of course, the host of the smash hit podcast, The Dana Gould Hour. Don't be fooled. It's not an hour long. It's seven hours long. Seven hours long.

Seven hours long. I love it. It's one of my favorites. One of my favorites, too. I listen every month. I can't figure out another way to do it. Don't do it. Don't do it another way.

I love it. I got it right here on my telephone. Not a lot of podcasts here, but- I'm flattered but you're looking at the Dana Gould Hour right there. There you go. Dana Gould Hour right there on my podcast. I can't figure out a better way to do it. Look, mine too. Mine too.

Yeah, this is weird because I was in a relationship that ended, and then I recorded the podcast not long after, and then the holidays came and then I went in to edit the podcast like I can't say that I can't say that it's not negative it's nothing about the person it was just like I was in a bad place yep a lot of darkness

it's still dark this episode's plenty dark it's plenty dark in this show we keep it in. Yeah. Yeah. Hold tight onto that pain. Don't let it out there.

That would be art. We're not engaged in art. Yeah. Art is not what we do. Speaking of, when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-9844-FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. It's our beloved signature segment, Momentous Occasions. Do you think this is actually a beloved signature segment?

Or have we just not thought of a new idea in the last 10 years? How about this? How about this? It's time for our segment. Yeah. I think that, you know. Piece of an orange. Yeah, sure.

Go ahead and does it. Press play, Brian. Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and random bubble cast member. This is Lizzie with a momentous occasion. Earlier this week, I got a off-brand fitness watch. And last night, I had sex for the first time in six months. Yeah. Awesome. Fucking Draculas.

You know about these Draculas, Dana? No. They let them even work. Let's say like you would think that if you were hiring like at a Subway sandwich shop, for example, you're hiring sandwich artists. Yeah. You would think that

there would be a question on that questionnaire that says, are you Dracula? And there's no question on that questionnaire. So the reality of the situation is if you go into a Subway's, an Arby's, if you go into the DQ, you might be staring at Dracula straight in the fucking face. Right. You know what I would do if I saw a Dracula in the Arby's?

I'd pop at one straight in the schnoz. Draculas are not unlike sharks. That's what they react to. Right. You can confuse them. Yeah. I fucking hate dracs. I love the terminology a Dracula.

A single Dracula. Yeah. Or a Blackula. Sure. Or a Personkula. Or a Temecula. Or a Temecula. Beautiful country. The first scene

in the movie, Blackula, Dracula bites a black guy, which is easily anticipated if you are aware of the title of the film that you're watching. And then he says the line, I christen you, ironically, Blackula. And then he bursts out laughing malevolently

and they cut to the titles. And I wish they would just stay for a beat later so Blackula could and then he burst out laughing malevolently and they cut to the titles. And I wish they would just stay for a beat later so Blackula could go, ha ha ha, no really, what's my name? All I remember, we're going to stick with Blackula,

we all want to go to lunch. All kidding aside, what's my name? I went through a period in the 1990s during the, the, the re-appreciation of blaxploitation cinema that happened around then. Rudy Ray Moore had a big resurgence. Exactly. I watched a number of those films, including Blackula.

And the only thing I really remember about Blackula is that the female lead of Blackula is like the most beautiful human being I've ever seen in my life. Was it Rosalind Cash by chance? Can't think of what her name was. I remember Blackula was played by Bill Withers. Blackula was played by William Marshall who is later the king of cartoons

on Pee Wee's Playhouse. That's a fun fact. I was on the other end of this call uh at one point not actually this call but i i can remember a time after completing the lovemaking process and then my partner checked her fitbit and i i wanted nothing more than to – I just wanted to know like so was that how many calories you normally burn or is that how it usually goes? Was it like a lot? Was it – would you – how – I want to see a graph basically. I love the name, the lovemaking process.

Yeah. I'm a real romantic. There's a Henry Ford aspect to that that I enjoy. From soup to nuts, Jordan does it all. Right. And all the time. From soup to nut. Yeah, sure.

And the song is always playing in the background. That's, of course, Powerhouse by Raymond Scott. Oh, yeah. For the win. Oh, way to go. When did it become the assembly line song? It was just written in the 30s, and it was later used by Warner Brothers Cartoon for stuff. It wasn't written for cartoons.

Oh, I didn't know that. He has a great album of his work called Turkish Nights and Other Delights, or something to that effect. The word Turkish is in it. Raymond Scott. There is actually a lot of legendary films and entertainment products that are based on Jordan's sex life. Modern Times, the Charlie Chaplin movie. Interesting. The episode of I Love Lucy with the conveyor belt of chocolate.

That's based on Jordan's sex life. That's not Vitamita Vegemins. That's a different one. The film Short Circuit as well. But not Short Circuit 2. No, that I did not approve that. I had a bad contract for the first one and it got away from me.

Yes, the lonely guy? No. That's a layup. I did like that she implied. Gratuitously added for the first time in six months, by the way. So I think she added that to make clear that she got laid because of her off-brand fitness. Like she had been in a dry spell and then she put on that Sanyo. Yes, the Fottbot.

Yeah. Was that a Fottbot? And those available dudes start hitting like big river musky. I imagined when she said that it was Dana enjoyed his fishing humor. I made myself laugh on that. Dana enjoyed his fishing humor. I made myself laugh on that. Dana was like, oh, that was a much better specific than largemouth bass. I was imagining how funny it would be if I had heard Letterman say it. Yeah. I'd start hitting like Big River Muskie.

He would, of course, throw a call. The thing that I immediately imagine. That's a historical reference now, isn't it? When, yeah, it's another thing that the Xennials, wait, whatever comes after millennials don't like. Sure. Yeah. Somebody, man, a millennial cultural critic that I know because. What a delight.

They have appeared on one of our... They sound fun. Yeah. They are a wonderful critic, very, very smart and prospective critic. Please tell me his business card is just an image of a discarded scooter. And an eggplant emoji.

They tweeted one day, was David Letterman ever funny? And I wanted to cry. I literally was like, you can have everything. You can say he's a bad person. Probably is to some extent. You can say, you can really truly anything. But that basically, that is you directly kicking me in the nuts just to ask that question.

And the answer is yes. Sometimes I like to just, yes. That's my favorite thing with hack comedy premises. Just, what's this? I was flipping the channels and the news, Sebastian Mancicola? It's a Netflix special.

I literally flip it and he literally is going, I don't get what's going on with these airplanes. And it was alone and I was watching it. I was by myself. And I went, well, the air velocity under the wing is faster than the air velocity over the wing. And it literally pushes the vehicle off the ground. It's been known for almost 100 years.

The thing that I immediately imagined when she said that she bought an off-brand Fitbit was, do you remember this kind of watch? This might be a fever dream from my childhood, but a kind of watch that we had as children. The Generation Space Jam will not know what I'm talking about. But a type of watch that's like a transformer robot that you can take off the watch band and turn into a robot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. I remember that.

Yeah. That's what I imagined was her Fitbit that got her laid. There was an ad. I'm a big Rod Serling yeah. Sure. I remember that. Yeah. That's what I imagined was her Fitbit that got her laid. There was an ad. You know, I'm a big Rod Serling fan. No. I know. You? Off brand. And I was, you know, sometimes I'll just be bored and I'll go on eBay.

There's a couple of things I look for and I'll just go on eBay and I'll just like, Rod Serling, highest first. And you just see like what's out there. Sometimes it's like a – I found a letter that he had written and I didn't buy it. And I still kick myself for not buying it. It was thanking a woman for sending him oven mitts. She was a fan of the Twilight Zone and she sent him oven mitts. And so – Dana, can I tell you something really important?

You know that I'm one of the co-hosts of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Yes. A few years ago, a fan sent us some oven mitts. There you go. She made some Judge John Hodgman oven mitts. You need them? Maybe it's the same woman. We have them here at the office, I think.

They're gorgeous. She did an amazing job. And there was a – so one time I came up with an interview with Rod Serling and like an old Playboy. And so I got it. And in this old Playboy, there was an ad for a digital watch. And it was like $400. It was like 1971 or 72. It was incredibly... I had one of those for a while.

But then they were annoying. The one I had was called the Bull of a Computron. And you had to press a button on the side to light up the LCDs. And they were red, and the letters were red. But then it was like, yeah, these will eventually be $1.99 and you'll hate them. Patton Oswalt has that great bit about explaining to yourself in the 90s that all of the music that you have will be able to fit on this thing that's smaller than the Lifesavers things, but they'll be annoying.

Let's take another call. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. This is Julia. I'm calling with a momentous occasion in my career i'm a veterinary cardiologist and this morning i saw a patient who is fainting every time he ejaculates so a little background for ai and dogs breed them, they basically jack off the dog. And apparently every time they do that to this dog, he starts to faint. So I found the whole situation hilarious. Luckily, he doesn't have any significant heart disease.

And I told his owner the solution to the problem is to just not breed her dog. She did not find the situation so hilarious. But anyway, hopefully he'll be fine. And if you ever need a veterinary cardiologist, you know who to call. All right. Thanks. Love the show. Bye.

I mean, I'll probably end up going with a human cardiologist, but we'll see how the budget works out. Where do you go if you just want to jack off dogs? Apparently, there's a job for that. She totally blew past the one part of this. Dana's coming to terms with this. It's all live on air. I wouldn't be the same person. How do you –

And truly is – I mean I think that one of the – That's one of those things that you can – there's an old expression. You can't unsuck a dick. Right. And once you jack off a dog, you've jacked off a dog. You're that guy. I have a similar condition. Again, I've made myself laugh.

Where every time I masturbate, I go into like a fugue state. So I will just kind of wake up and I've been a short order cook in Tampa for a year. What happened? I was wondering how you ended up in Tampa. Yeah, I mean, me too. I just figured you loved vacation good times. No, I mean, Fugue State. I don't know how I got there.

Like wildlife parks. So that's why, I mean, when it's time to masturbate, I kind of chain myself up like the Wolf Band. Sure, I understand. Make sure I can't. Yeah. You know, just get out there and start a new life. I'm wondering if, like, if there's one particular dog that they're breeding a lot and, you know, does it eventually get, like, you start to jack the dog off and then they're like, oh.

And you're like, all right, we're sitting together on a train. But you're a dog that I don't know. Oh, a squirrel. It just needs a little something extra. Yeah. I think we're both backup singers on the Taylor Swift tour. is actually a really perfect example of that thing you were just talking about, the way that technology can kind of sour on us and become ordinary and annoying.

There was a time when all animals, if you wanted new animals, you had to put two animals together and cross your fingers. Right. The certainty that comes from modern artificial insemination technology for the animal husbandist. Yes. Husbander. Husbandreer. Right. Is a great boon.

It means that you can be assured that your prize sow and your prize boy pig, whatever that's called. Boy pig. Boar will mate and will impregnate each other, and you'll have prized piglets. Piglets. Right. But it also, if you are a farmer today, I think you look across your farm and you see a sea of animal dicks you will have to jack off.

Yeah. I don't know if I could get there. I mean, I think, you know, you- Like Temecula? Yeah. Like what if, like what if, you know, you come to that moment in veterinary school, medical school, animal medical school. I don't know if it's a separate thing. It's probably a separate thing. I don't know.

Veterinary school. You get to that moment and it's like, well, you know, sometimes you'll have to jack off the dog. I think veterinarians go to human medical school. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they do. And then you just find out, you're like, wow, I'm good at this. Like, you really, like, I've got a knack for this. You've got the

touch. This woman talked about dog jacking off with a kind of a confidence. I bet she, like, nailed that part of the exam. Got to go home early. It seems like a point of pride. Do dogs have prostates that you can stimulate? Sure.

Dog prostates are very sensitive. Really blow your top fast. Well, I was saying, you know, the... Well, punch me in the face. Hit me in the nose with a newspaper. Call me a cat. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Is there a dog in a car at a bar on the street? Yay! I'm Allegra Ringo, a small dog owner.

My dog, Pistachio, howls when she's excited. And I'm Renee Colbert, a big dog owner. My dog, Tugboat, tips over when he's sleepy. And we co-host a podcast called Can I Pet Your Dog that airs every Tuesday. We bring you all things dog. Yes, dog news, dog tech, dogs we met this week. We also have pretty famous guests on, but legs. We're not going to let them talk about their projects.

No. Just want to hear about those dogs. We don't want to hear about your stuff, only your dogs. So join us every Tuesday on MaxFun. Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. And we have a podcast called The Art of Process. We're talking about how the creative process is in itself an art form, in our opinion. There are underlying forms and structures that serve as a scaffolding for any creative endeavor.

We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect. New episodes will be coming every other Monday. Starting January 28th. So please listen and subscribe at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Danny Gould, guest. Dana, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thank you very kindly. I've enjoyed being here. I know that Seattleites will be headed out to see you on Friday night. I hope so. I'll be at the Triple Door with Kathy Sorbo and the Zuma Bella Trio. I'm going to be honest. That's one more door than any club needs. You're going to need a front. You're going to need a back. Yeah, you're going to need a back for fire safety.

But I'm very excited. I love Seattle. I have a lot of friends up there. You know, it's a good fit. Ken Griffey Jr. Nintendo headquarters. Nintendo headquarters. Well, Kathy Sorbo who's a very funny comedian who lives up there is an old buddy of mine from when

we both lived in San Francisco. I met a guy god damn it i'm gonna i'm gonna need to remember his name today i was on the train platform waiting for the subway with my daughter look at you i'm progressive i'm very fancy guy uh we were headed to little tokyo to go to the japanese bookstore so i could buy anime pornography yeah um look the other way dear and uh I walked past the guy. You got to stop these stories a little sooner. We're all enjoying it.

That's a great, by the way, let me just introduce, the difference between you and I. At the moment you were on the train platform going to little Tokyo with your daughter on the train, I was texting on the freeway. Swerving to hit a robot baby. Yeah, exactly. There was this guy wearing a hat from a team called the San Francisco Mission Reds, which was a Pacific Coast League team that had a ballpark right next to where I grew up. 15th and Guerrero in San Francisco. Like literally the next block over. You grew up in the Mission?

Yeah. I didn't know that. And I said to the guy, is that a San Francisco Mission Reds hat? Because I had never seen one in real life other than the one that I own. He's like, yeah, it is. I used to live in San Francisco. I'm chatting with this nice man. And he says, you know, I was a comic when I lived in San Francisco. I used to work at this club.

And he's listening. I'm like, man, when was this? He's like, oh, like the mid-'80s, mid to late-'80s. And I was like, well, I'm actually doing a show with Dana Gould tonight. Do you know Dana Gould? He's like, yeah, I know Dana Gould, sure. And he's like, Tom Kenny and all the different— Who was this?

His name was—okay, this is from memory. I'm going to say Ed Marquez. Yeah, Ed Marquez. There you go. What was Eddie Marquez? I love Eddie Marquez. He's a very nice man on the subway platform. What's he doing now?

Wearing a Mission Reds hat waiting for the subway, as far as I can tell. Oh, I can tell. I know Eddie Marquez. Going north, south. My daughter, by this point, had bolted, so I had to excuse myself and run after her. Eddie Marquez is a great guy. There you go. Eddie Marquez, Jordan.

I met him on the train subway. I believe you. Train platform is what they usually call it, or subway platform. I think the story is true. Thank you. I don't think you made that up. You're not, is that, have you read it by PolitiFact at all? Yeah, that gets three Pinocchios.

This story about meeting a guy with a hat. Ed Marquez, pants on fire. Pinocchio alert. When he told me his story about meeting a guy with a hat, I knew he was full of shit. Dana Gould is also the host of the Dana Gould Hour podcast, which is genuinely a joy. It's one that Jordan and I have both been listeners to for many years, ever since we went to see Dana Gould when we were in college and talked to him after. It's the hardest podcast to make. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer on the program.

Dana, are you still at Dana J. Gould? No. You murdered Dana Gould. I finally got at Dana Gould. I finally got it. God bless you. I got it. God bless you. Dana is on Twitter at Dana Gould. I'm got it. God bless you. I got it. God bless you.

Dana is on Twitter at Dana Gould. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. No, that's not Jordan in the M&M's commercial. That's David Cross. No, I'm not in the M&M's commercial. I'm not in the Geico commercial. And I'm not doing anything as lucrative as being in a fucking commercial.

So stop pointing it out so I know how not great I'm doing. That said, if you're making M&M's commercials- Yeah, I'll be in it, sure. Me and Jordan are available. If David Cross gets sick of it, Jordan's willing to voice double for us. I don't know. Is he the M&M voice now? Yeah, he's one of the M&M voices.

He's the terrible M&M. And people ask me on Twitter a lot if I am that and if I am a guy who does a voice, like a funny neighbor in a Geico commercial. I am not either of these things. God, I'd love to be. I would love to be one of those things. Just one of them. I don't need both of them. Yeah.

I'd love to be in- I'll be a sassy Skittle. Alvin and the Chipmunks 2. I'll be a segment of a Kit Kat. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be one of the grape in the Fruit of the Looms. Oh, God, I would love to be a grape in a Fruit of the Looms. I'll be the grape in the Fruit of the Looms was F. Murray Abraham.

Really? Yeah. Did you know the only good thing we've ever thought of on Jordan and Jessica is that the F in F. Murray Abraham stands for fart. Fart Murray Abraham. That's the greatest thing I've ever heard. You crack up. Fun fact.

I think you were talking about those muskies earlier. Fun fact. The F in F Murray stands for fart. Yeah. A lot of people know that. A lot of people don't know that. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our producer. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit.com.

You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go. Or join the Maximum Fun.reddit.com. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go or join the Maximum Fun group there. Oh, if you're in Portland, Oregon, I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, February 15th as part of the Listen Up podcast festival with Corin Tucker and Lance Bangs and Bill Oakley and music and comedy. What podcast does Bill Oakley have? He's going to be on my podcast. Oh, okay. I thought Bill Oakley had a podcast.

No, he's got a series of Instagram videos where he reviews fast food, I think. Oh, okay. Yes, he lives in Portland. Hanging out in Portland. Simpsons legend. Yep. Not unlike Dana J. Gould. That's a couple of Simpsons. Simpsons legend and Simpsons legend. Yep. Not unlike Dana J. Gould. That's a couple of Simpsons.

Simpsons legend and Simpsons employee. We'll talk to you guys next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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