Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 569: Wah to the Bone with Jenny Jaffe

Episode Date: February 5, 2019

Jenny Jaffe (Rugrats, Project UROK) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Jordan's cape phase in high school, the difference between comedy nerds and musical theater nerds, and the insane new movie Serenity. Plus, everyone spends a few fun minutes coming up with video game butt puns and the guys stumble upon a potentially lucrative use of the podcast.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. We just received some very, very distressing news. Yeah, let's start out, let's start out intense. We usually keep it light, fuck that. It's start out. Let's start out intense. We usually keep it light. Fuck that.

It's a new year. Yeah. It's a new us. We're going to start out intense. They're getting rid of the shamrock shake. Yeah, exactly. And they're replacing it with the McRib shake. It's going to be a pork-flavored shake.

It'll be the same color as the shamrock shake our guest on the program and i bacon fries i'm uncomfortable bacon fries are they made out of bacon i don't know i just drove by a mcdonald's and it said they had bacon fries and i'm like fucking mcdonald's man i'll try those it was a real roller coaster for me it's a real roller coaster that all happened in the like less than a second, that journey. Jordan, ordinarily we would not introduce our guest this early in the program. Right. But given that she came to us with some very disturbing information.

People are going to be disappointed they don't get the requisite ten minutes of bullshit. I know. Where are they going to go for their bullshit? Why aren't you doing a bit right now about the last food you ate? Oh, man. I do have a story about the last food I ate. That is what I came in with. And some food I'm about to eat later on in the night.

Our guest on the program is a comedy writer and performer, most recently heading up the new version of television's Rugrats, Jenny Jaffe. Hey, guys. I'm worried. I'm like, what if the news that I gave you guys, what if this was like some kind of like private information? Oh, wow. Well, you did get it off Hillary Clinton's email server. I did, yeah.

Oh, wow. She was very concerned. It's called satire, Jordan. She's a huge flopper. No, I, yeah. Should I just say? Yeah, let's let her rip. You know what? It's going to upset a huge flopper. No, I, yeah. Should I just say? Yeah, let's let her rip. You know what?

It's going to upset a lot of people. It's going to freak a lot of people out. It's either this or that fucking food story that I had. Well, wait. Was it about the bacon fries? Because that's fries with bacon on them, you guys. How do you get bacon onto fries? Have you guys never had like disco fries?

Do they glue the bacon onto the fries? No, it's like crumbled bacon. But then why doesn't it all go to the bottom of the fries? I always thought that disco fries were fries with cocaine. And yes, I have had them. It's also fries with cocaine. I snorted them off the grimace. But there's bacon in there too.

This is going to be great because I always aim my podcast performance right at the tech. And so if he's like very – Ryan's extremely responsive. He's responsive. Did you see – That's good. Have you seen – I always aim my podcast performance right at the tech. Brian's extremely responsive. Have you seen... I didn't mean to downplay how amusing you are. You're very amusing. But Brian, he's a laugher. No, but that's good.

That's what I want. He's got a winning attitude. Did you see the television program Tales from the Tour Bus? No. Where are we? Where are we now? Okay, let's back up. I said out loud we're going to get back to bacon fries and our big news.

Okay. There's these two episodes about Rick James. This is a television show. I think it's on Showtime where Mike judged as a history of music artists' crazy behavior. I got rid of Showtime when Penny Dreadful went off the air. Yeah, well, fair enough. Dreadful or nothing for me. Okay. Bring back Dreadful, I bring back Showtime.

On this program. You heard me, Showtime. Right now you're Penny Dreadless. Oh, yeah. You're right. There are two episodes about Rick James, who, as you may know, had a colorful life. Led a colorful life with a lot of activities. And there's this guy in the show who was the band leader of the Stone City Band, which is Rick James' band.

And this guy, this guy is not already the star of a major motion picture. It's deeply distressing to me having seen this. He's by far the best guy who's been in this whole show, the entire thing, and he looks like, you know, it's a cartoon of him, but he's like, you know, he's a 65-year-old man in a backwards Kangol. We're all doing this.

Yeah, we're all leaning our arms over our microphone arms. It's because we're so fucking chill. It's the 90s, baby. It's the 90s, it's the 90s baby the chill out decade he talks about in the in the early 1980s he cross colors rap metal slap bracelets studio 54 what else rugrats rugrats sure uh good plug thanks ah real monsters Sure. Good plug.

Thanks. Ah, Real Monsters. He's at Studio 54. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh. Your thing is true. My thing is not true.

But if Ah, Real Monsters are out there and they need a reboot, I'm your guy. I think there's new Popples. What? I love Popples. I could reboot that. I had imaginary Popples friends. This is just a quick- Not to brag. Wait, so you didn't have a real Popple?

Well, I had like a Popple stuffed animal, but then I also had imaginary friends with Popples. And they would always be like, fill up. The car would be like the station wagon was full of Popples. Wow. Just one of the more 90s sentences. The station wagon was filled with Popples. Too many Popples, seems. That sounds like a critique of a bad date.

Well, the station wagon was filled with Popples, if you know what I what i mean so in this he's talking about he's at studio 54 and this this model yeah says i want to fuck that black guy okay he's in the he's in the like vip room right of the studio 54 the top floor and this this model just points at him and says, I want to fuck that black guy. Okay. And he sort of expresses how uncomfortable it made him feel. Sure. I'm uncomfortable hearing about it.

We were having a nice discussion about baubles. I almost did a full spit take. I took a full sip of soda and then you just said one of the more like, you said it so dead pink. All things sound like that coming out of my voice. Keep, Jessie, keep an eye on Jenny's Coke Zero. Got it. And make sure that we are about to vanilla Coke Zero, which actually sounds quite nice. It's great, yeah.

I don't love, I don't, I don't, I don't love a, I have a hard time with artificial sweeteners, but I imagine if I did like an artificial sweetener, that'd be the way to go. So he expresses how uncomfortable he is with this. And then he says something which I found really arresting, which is he said, he said, now, I don't recommend this, and I'm not saying it because I think it was good, but I had her do a line of coke off my dick. Wait, what? I didn't follow that. So she says that thing that I don't want to.

No, don't say it again. I don't like hearing it. Okay. I'm uncomfortable with interracial relationships. Okay. And then he says. Wait, you weren't kidding. This is a conservative podcast.

This is a very conservative. We were talking off mic and I think you probably thought it was a joke. I did. I thought it was a bit. No, it's not. Yeah. We're America first. Love it or leave it.

Okay. Lock her up. But we don't love love it or leave it. No, the podcast. No, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you were saying. So she says that. She says that. And he says to, the podcast. No, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you were saying.

So she says that. She says that. And he says to the camera, he says, look, I'm not saying this because I think it was good. And I don't think that you should do this if you were in the same situation. But it's really something that did happen. Sure. I had her do a line of coke off my dick. Oh, my.

Wow. And you're just like, and this guy is so genial. Wait, I don't understand what one has to do with the other. There's no, like, should these are. The unifying factor is they're in the top floor of Studio 54, and everybody just feels kind of obliged to do coke off each other's genitals. Sure. I mean, hey, I mean, I spent a weekend with the Grimmis. I know what you're talking about, baby. This is great because on my way here, my mom was like, oh, let me know when the podcast is out.

Now I won't. Oh, I got lost in the mail. Whoops. Jenny's mom used to be a model in New York. Oh, sure. So, okay. That's all. That's that whole story.

I recommend the program and I recommend particularly the guy who was the band leader of the Stone City band. He's a very, very fun guy. So, Jenny, do you want to drop the news bomb on the show that you dropped to us? Yes. I feel like it's less of a news bomb, more of like you guys were saying a thing about planes, and I go, oh, hey, this crazy thing happened to our mutual friend, which is that Elliot Kalin's plane got hit by lightning on his way from, I think they were doing a Midwest show and then they were heading to New York and the plane got hit by lightning and he's alive.

He survived. Yeah. But will he have superpowers? We don't know. He's exactly the guy to get them. He would be great with superpowers. He would be really good with superpowers. I really hope it's he, now he's half man, half plane.

He infused him in the plane. And now he's just like a Delta 747. He technically has the power of frequent speech. Sure, yeah. Gift of gab. Yeah. Superman's like a terrible hero. That's just like the ability to fly but also being cumbersome and like needing like a wide berth to be able to land.

It's not like Superman where there's like this sort of like beautiful ergonomic. Like he can just like jump from building to building. It would be like, well, I can fly there, but I need a lot of room. I think his sidekick is one of those guys in a safety vest with the two flashlights. Yeah, exactly. This way. I actually – a similar thing happened to me. I was not on the plane, but lightning hit an airport that I was in, and I became half man, half Chili's 2.

So I'm now like a Chili's, but a little bit worse. You're like a Chili's 1 4th. Yes, yeah. Yeah, Chili's 0.25. I'm a little more expensive, and my menus are very sticky. Is Chili's 2 more expensive? That seems like it should be less expensive because it's smaller, you don't get the full Chili's experience

you know, I was just I have not priced them recently but I was assuming because Chili's 2 T-O-O is in an airport, it would be more expensive but maybe it's not, maybe it's consistent pricing across all Chili's you're just not getting the full franchise experience if there's not a high school production of a musical having their after party there.

And they're kind of fucking around. Yeah, exactly. And there's two kids who are definitely going to hook up. Oh, yeah. And one girl who really wanted to is going to cry. And they're all sharing one thing of fries. Exactly. And it's the worst experience for the whole staff.

Well, they saw Rent. They know it's okay to just go into a restaurant and ruin a service person's day. Do you think high school theater dorkuses, and I say that affectionately. I was quite the theater dorkus. Me too, yes. I had a cape phase. What was your, oh God, you did? Cape to school, yeah.

You were a cape kid? I didn't know this. We've known each other for 20 years. A very brief period. I was a cape kid. Yeah, I was about the bubble pipes, but I didn't know about the cape. The what? We carried around fucking bubble pipes. And we would, me and the other dorkuses. I was in a school with a cape kit. Yeah, I was brief. I knew about the bubble pipes, but I didn't know about the cape. The what? We carried around fucking bubble pipes.

And we would, me and the other dorkuses. I like that. That's a fun dorkus thing. It's very creative. I used to host a comedy show in New York where I smoked a bubble pipe. Like, I love the idea. For some reason, there's something so funny. Like, I had, like, a fake mustache and, like, a smoking jacket.

But it was just my same personality i just decided i wanted to be like uh i wanted to be like sort of an urbane like uh velvet jacket smoking type and uh see if i could pull it off don't we all but wait okay hold on it's a cape kid yeah it was very brief i got a cape what was your favorite role that you ever played i mean scott so many um youagliacci, of course. Yes, exactly. Yes, I saw a doctor. I think it was probably the narrator in Into the Woods. That's a great role. It's a great role and a great show.

They didn't split it up into many different roles like they do at a lot of high schools so all the kids get a line? No. I mean, I think my high school was light on boys. Yeah, no, that is the thing. Story of my life, right? I don't know what that means. Something I say. Light on boys or light on boys auditioning for

music? Yes, yeah, I think there were not a lot of people who were interested in theater, boy-wise. You kind of got your pick, though. That's like the nice thing about being like the one boy in a theater program. And yeah, I think my- Jesse's nodding.

I got some plum rolls in musicals, even though I- I didn't think I got married. Should be the one guy who auditioned. Yeah, exactly. A lot of other guys auditioned all gay, though. Yeah. Yeah, so I think I could not sing, but still got some nice cherry parts in. You don't have to sing to be the narrator in Into the Woods, though.

It's all like a lot of talk singing. Yeah, yeah. And I'm a pretty good talk singer. You're a regular- You got the gift of talk- Sing gab. Rex Harrison. Yes, I am.

Yes, I am. I am good at talk singing. A little bit. I mean, I haven't done it in a while. I'm a little rusty and I haven't warmed up. Wait, what was the musical theater Dorcas' observation you were going to make? About, oh, I wonder if high school. About Chili's.

I wonder if the current crop of Dorcas', I wonder if they liked Rent as much as we did. Or if they. I mean, they liked Rent as much as we did. Or if they – I mean, they have Hamilton. They do have Hamilton. I think that's probably their key interest. But I think Rent hit such a specific thing that no other show does, which is like a show about how important the things you specifically like are. Yeah. It's like, yeah, this art you're making with your friends here, this is what's important.

This is real. Yeah. Arm warmers are cool. Like, it's all stuff that musical theater kids want to hear. Right. I have never seen Rent. Uh-huh. Honestly, the only thing I know about Rent was that I was at 10,000, 2,500, 600 rents.

Yeah. Okay, here. We open on Avenue B. It's Christmas Eve. I'm walking here. I'm walking. We open on Avenue B. It's Christmas Eve. I'm walking here. I'm walking. I'll provide the color. So you tell the story and I'll just be the –

Yes, please do. I'll fill in the world. That would be really great. Hot dogs. Hot dogs. 90s. I think I just blocked it out in high school because I was also a theater dork of the first order. Did you have a cape kid phase?

I had plenty of – I know you have a cape cape kid phase uh i had plenty of i know i have my cape adult yes but he's currently in his cape kid phase uh they call cape adults polyamorous that's want to wrap up the episode yeah the prestige um but i think i was in a musical because a girl I liked wanted me to be in it. Little Shop. Who'd you play? The comedy ones. You know how there's like in the show, the one guy, one person plays the one scene. But he usually also plays the dentist.

Yeah, and the dentist. Did you play the dentist too? Well, you got to lead with that. Lead with the dentist. The dentist. That's the best role in the show. And the miscellaneous comedy bits. You were just like, no, just the parts in like a...

There's a part where you dress up as a lady. Right. That's fun. Although I could never remember that song. It's the Meek Shall Inherit. I don't remember what else there was. So anyway, the moral of the story is in my high school where it was like

a lot of theater school, there was a group of musical theater enthusiasts and then there was everyone else. And the group of musical theater enthusiasts, while I did date one of them for a time.

Was it exhausting? Did you pretend to like clove cigarettes? How much crying was there? Yeah. So they were into that and I couldn't deal with it. It was too much for me. So I just blocked it out entirely. But now, all these years later, because it was on television the other day and stuff, I find myself wondering, like, I mean, it must be kind of good, right? Like, why would it have captured all those teens' imaginations? It's because it's exactly what teens think being an adult and being an artist is.

Like, it's not good. It's just it captures what their imagination of it is. Like their version of like fuck the man and like being a starving artist and stuff. And then you grow up and you're like, oh, these people all need to get jobs. Because when I was that age and the – I'm talking about this group of musical theater kids. I'm talking about like group of musical theater kids i'm talking about like five to seven total uh and only a few from the acting department of my arts high school mostly singers and dancers high school though because i went to a very sportsy high school so being in

the musical theater kid was like way less was a whole thing yeah yeah but so they wanted to do company at the time that's a terrible show for and i was like i don't i don't know what that is i don't want to do that and then they were like well we could do little shop of horrors i was like oh from the movie little shop of horrors yeah i'll be in that companies by the way i'm worried it sounds like i just said company's a terrible show it's one of the best shows ever yeah so i saw for a high school to do. I watched that PBS company with Neil Patrick Harris and Stephen Colbert and whatnot. I was like, oh, yeah, this is great. Wait, when you were in high school you watched that?

No, no, as an adult. I'm talking about three years. I was like, you are so much younger. Three years ago. I thought you were. Yeah, Jesse's 19. I watched it. A hard 19.

Three. I started smoking at four. Yeah. So that made me wonder. I liked Company at four. Yeah. So that made me wonder. I liked Company a lot. I thought it was great. And I had never – I don't think I had ever seen a whole Sondheim show. So I thought that was tremendous.

And then I was like, well, if they were right about Company, maybe they were right about Rent. Jenny, what were your prize high school roles? And did you have a Cape Kid-like phase? I never really had a full Cape Kid phase. I had a minute. One of the weirder things about me working at Nick is that I had such a hot topic kid phase. And I was hugely into Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and Invaders. Oh, sure.

The Yonan Vasquez-averse. Yes, whose office was next to mine up until very recently while he was finishing the Zim movie. And not fangirling over him has been one of the proudest achievements of my being a professional adult. He is the person I think I would be most starstruck by. Because I'm like, yeah, I learned to write fan fiction about myself just meeting Invader Zim or whatever. Is that a type of fan fiction? yeah were you just like i mean meet and greet is that the name of i was too afraid to do like i feel like a lot of people will do the one where it's like self-insert but it's like a sexy character and i think i was too like innocent as a kid for that um you and invader zim would

just like we were just like pals get lunch or something. Yeah, exactly. Ate bacon fries. That sounds nice. Did coke off Grimace. Well, you're lying when you said that's not sexy because if you're doing coke off the Grimace, something's going to happen. No, so I had like a hot topic-y kid phase. But like the musical theater kid phase was a huge thing for me. My rent, I was like never as into rent i don't get me wrong i love rent but my rent was phantom of the opera and i think because it's

the goth kid fan it's the goth kid rent i like yeah this is very dark um i really understand this character who just is so ugly and he just wants uh everybody to pay attention to him and to do the show that he wants them to do and And that is the show that looking back, I'm like, this is a mess. This is a terrible show. I saw Phantom of the Opera three times in high school because when you go to an arts school and there's – Phantom of the Opera ran in San Francisco with the Curran Theater or whatever for like 10 years or something. Wait, are you from the Bay Area? Yeah, I'm from San Francisco. Really?

So I'm from Palo Alto, too. Oh, there you go. So I've seen that production Bay Area? Yeah, I'm from San Francisco. So I'm from Palo Alto, too. Oh, there you go. So I've seen that production. Yeah, so it ran forever in San Francisco. And when you go to an arts high school, they just give you tickets. Like if there's tickets for teens, the teens that get to go first are the ones that go to the arts high school. Right.

But I remember finding it difficult to endure the first time. And then just like, wow, was it rough the second and third time. You were more self-aware, I guess, or just had better taste than I did. Like my family is so patient. They've listened to it so many times in the car. And I'm like, it is – listening now, I'm like, it is 80 percent a musical about how hard it is to run an opera, which is insane. Like there are so many numbers where it's just like, how are we going to keep the theater open?

And it's like, there's a murder ghost. Why are we singing about this? Yeah, we should be singing about this ghost ocean that he's punting a boat across. It's truly crazy. That doesn't get any screen time, but most of it is like, no, we've been paying the ghost to appease him. Of course, that's how it works.

We've got to deal with this big personality of the opera and then like a fake opera number. It's so bad. I had a pretty hot night not too long ago having a couple of drinks and listening to You Must Remember This, the classic Hollywood podcast. It's a great podcast. It's a great podcast. R.I.P., I think. Oh, no. Not R.I.P.

Gone for now. Gone for now. No, dead to me. It's dead. It doesn't come out weekly. The showtime of podcasts. Yes, exactly. Bring back Petty Dreadful.

And I, during this, realized I had never seen all those classic Universal monster movies. Oh. And jumped on the Amazon, ordered a nice box set. Came a couple days later. I'm like, what's this? And I watched The Phantom of the Opera. And I didn't even realize you could order grilled cheese on Amazon. Sure, but here it is.

That could have just been a man near my mailbox who had a grilled cheese. I don't know that he was an Amazon employee or not. He was just milling around by your mailbox when he heard, caw, caw, caw, and he knew the cops were coming. Right, exactly. He had to drop it. Yeah, right, exactly. He's a grilled cheese vagrant. I'm his lookout.

And I really enjoyed them. I mean, they are all slow as fuck. I mean, they're all 80 minutes and feel like nine hours, but like very beautiful. And there's like a lot of cool stuff that happens. And you can definitely see like, oh, boy, if you like saw this in the 30s, you would lose your shit. But yeah, that Phantom of the Opera, that is mostly just several operas. You are mostly just watching opera in that, which I guess was probably amazing at the time because you probably-

They didn't have anything else to do and everybody was dying. It wasn't until the 1950s that people stopped listening to operas like that was a fun thing to do. Right. And the biggest celebrities weren't a tenor. Enrico Caruso. Yeah, exactly. There are no celebrity tenors these days.

There should be. Yeah. I want to go back to that. I like that. You're turning back the clock on that one? Turning back the clock on that one. I mean, I love like a great singer. I think it's super fun to listen to just like a really great singer do a bunch of hits.

What kind of tenor would you like? Italian? Irish? What's the tech again? Brian is Portuguese. Yeah. Can you sing? Yeah.

Great. Yeah. That's what I want. He's nodding his head, guys. Okay. I want Brian specifically to sing Portuguese. Yeah. Let's hear those Portuguese hits. But yeah, so that was my musical theater phase.

I think the thing is – so then I went to NYU. I went to Tisch and I met like real musical theater kids and I was like, I cannot hang anymore. This is like – it was just like people who are like doing musical theater, like they're like, this is my profession. Were they sing very seriously? I was never like in the classrooms with them. I mostly saw them like crying in the coffee areas. And there was a cape kid. There was a significant cape kid.

Even in college. Yeah, for all four years of college. College cape kid. But I was in the other very dorky group there, the kids who got too intense about something dumb, which is the NYU comedy group. Oh, yeah. Sure, yep. We were part of, which is the NYU comedy group. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yep. We were part of UCSC's longest running improv group.

What was it called? Humor Force 5. What was your improv group's bad name? It was a sketch team. We were called Hammer Cats. Okay. Wait, that went on to become a thing, right? Yeah.

It's a generation. I mean, I'm actually proud of being part of it. It was like a generational thing. We definitely did a lot of shows with groups that had... We're also proud of what we did. I believe you. Yes, everyone liked it. We were

not bad or annoying. I liked it. Listen to that woman. I've been here the whole time. Yoo-hoo! It's just a cow waving a handkerchief out a window. It was the best short form I ever saw in the Porter Dining Hall. I mean, it's just that thing of, like, the most important thing in the world is a show that ten people are going to see in, like, a college common area.

And then everybody is going to go have like a very intense party during which a lot of drama is going to happen right yeah that's like the that's like the theater kid thing though too it's just like whether or not there's a dash of irony in what you're doing and i think that the the earnestness of the musical theater kids like and i'm a very earnest person and as in college i was a very earnest person but i was like this is overwhelming sure um but i still love musical theater and my favorite place in the entire universe is a bar In college, I was a very earnest person, but I was like, this is overwhelming. Sure. But I still love musical theater. And my favorite place in the entire universe is a bar called Marie's Crisis in New York City.

And that's the thing I'm homesick for when I think about New York, really. Is that a musical theater bar? It's like a piano bar in the West Village. And people come there to sing. Yeah. I've been to it. It's a little slice of heaven. I don't even love musical theater, i'm like oh this is a this is a wonderful place that only exists here go and like at least once a week like close it out and i was like i wanted to invite friends

also like i'm not here like i'm i'm here to like there's a catharsis become a problem drinker i am here to become a real problem wait would you would you sing? Well, everybody sings. That's the thing. What was your jam? I mean, everybody sings. Everything's my jam. Does everyone sing en masse or does everyone take a turn? No, everybody sings en masse, which I think is great. I mean, it's fun because then they'll do a one-day more and you'll all look around and be like, okay, we all know who we are.

Great. Cool. Okay. Someone call we are. Great. Cool. Okay. And – Someone call Cosette. Exactly. So – and then the waiters – It's like a church for very strong-feeling young people.

Well, it's actually – I mean it's really a church for like older gay men. Older gay guys. And then like a lot of sort of younger NYU people who who hang out but it's great because like people come in and they're like oh this is the place hang out and then they're like oh we like see what's going on here and if you're not serious about it like we'll we'll leave sure um one time two girls were removed for requesting rent like too aggressively and like just they kept yelling over other stuff like play rent and they were like escorted out I'm sorry.

It was great. I mean, I feel like anywhere where you have serious musical theater people, you run into there are people who love the, you know, people who just love the pomp and circumstance and the open hearted emotionality and are glad if whatever Jesus Christ Superstar or any other Andrew Lloyd Webber show is there. And then there's people who are like, musical theater is the most important art form that's ever been created, and the greatest artist in the history of the world is Stephen Sondheim.

Also, he's the only musical theater guy ever. Well, I feel like those people are even more just like, at that point point they're like oh well william finn is really the the best musical theater you know what i mean like people who like it really splits into factions but i feel like uh i don't know i mean it's just like a great place for dorks where my friends a lot i had like my friends i had like memories crisis friends and it was people it was like i know like who we are like we've like we just had like an understanding it was very it was very beautiful the closest i've ever been to that

was once going in bowling in the broadway bowling league when i was in new york which is all the different shows have a bowling team and then they bowl against each other but the it's as you would expect. There are some almost upsettingly serious and skilled bowlers and many less skilled bowlers. Which were you? to see like uh you know a tiny woman that looks like a 30 year old bernadette peters uh like bowl four strikes in a row uh and then like a giant dude look like he is not sure what shape a ball is you know what i mean this is the square it's a very interesting mix of things but they like shut down a bowling alley like it's the entire bowling alley, all the lanes. And there was a fun home team bowling next to us. And every show has its own bowling team.

I would imagine it would be dangerous if you had a ball in your hands while you were doing jazz hands. So I imagine- Although you could become extraordinarily strong if you did that in a calisthenic context. I mean, they dance, you know, very intense dancing things eight times a week. Like, people are not messing around. Yeah. I mean, I think that's something that, like, you know, when I was in musical theater, you

know, when you're in high school or whatever, it's dorkuses. But when you get to a professional level, like all these people are jacked fitness obsessives because they need to dance at a really high level. They're all very gorgeous. Don't get me wrong. It's like it's a beautiful, beautiful profession. I think that's why at some point like comedy, musical theater dorkuses are like, I'm going to bow out of this one. Can I get a suggestion? theater dorkuses are like i'm gonna i'm gonna bow out of this one uh i do can i get a suggestion i do think though that like all comedy people uh fall into either like huge wrestling nerds or

huge musical theater nerds like it at their core they were into one of those at some no i think that's a i mean that's a that's a pretty good theory i bet that i bet that tracks pretty well mara wilson and i used did a show in new york where we'd have like comedians come on and be like just pick your dream role. You don't have to be right for it. We're just going to give you a venue and just do it. And people came and they were so serious. And they were like, I've been waiting to do this song for so long.

I'm having – I mean, Jordan, Jesse, go listeners know that my sole professional objective is to play Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man. You'd be great. And I'm really like, I'm getting goosebumps just at the thought of having a venue. There is nothing, as someone who really struggles to sit through much musical theater, like I don't particularly enjoy watching musical theater generally,

but being in even a lousy high school musical theater production is the most fun performance thing that exists in the world. It is. It's so fun. I say that as a non-singer, non-dancer, non-actor, a triple non-threat. So my friend did Trouble at 54 Below as part of this show like a couple years ago.

And he's about to open his first broadway show in like uh end of april so it's a real success story success story well it sounds like it sounds like the dream is real for me i think you can do it and have you actually like sponsored anyone who went on to become a wrestler um yeah i trained i trained a couple people oh good yeah mickey rooney was me oh really you're mickey rooney no Mickey Rooney? No, am I thinking Mickey Rooney? Mickey Rourke. Oh, the wrestler. Yes, I could kind of see where you were going

and I didn't want to stop down the bit. Mickey Rooney was me in Babe Pig in the City, where he's that sad old man clown with the orangutan. I went to Mickey Rourke because I couldn't think of a real wrestler off the top of my head. And I can now.

Ultimate warrior would be. The Rock. That's a good one. Well, do we all want to go around? Did they have a wrestler? Jordan, you're the only one left. Oh, The Rock. Yeah, okay.

Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan. Yes.

Every episode of Jordan Jesse Go is brought to you by the hardworking young people. Yeah. Who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and become members of Maximum Fun. We love them. I love them romantically, ideologically, sensually.

Sure. Odorifically. Yeah. You like to smell them? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I say. Yeah. Smells good. Yeah, smells good.

Ooh, what is that? Cinnamon buns? What is that? Me paying my mortgage? We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Squarespace. If you are a creator, if you are a person who sells things,

if you are a person with one big idea you'd like to share with the world and you don't want to send any mail bombs, well then. Squarespace. You can turn your cool idea into a new website. You can blog or publish content. You can sell products and services of all kinds. There are beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers. And our listeners have heard me talk about this,

but if there's one thing I hate in the world, it's regional-class designers. Thank you, Squarespace, for keeping those yokels out of our purview. I think the next thing for Squarespace is going to be interstellar designers. Ooh, alien designers, huh? Yeah, I think the next thing for Squarespace is going to be interstellar designers. Alien designers, huh?

I mean, it might present accessibility issues, but they've already got the responsive templates. They got 24-7 award-winning customer support and analytics that help you grow in real time. Jesse, I made myself a Squarespace site. Is that why you're so much bigger than you used to be? I'm huge! Yes, I made myself a Squarespace site. Is that why you're so much bigger than you used to be?

I'm huge! Yes, I grew in real time. You grew in real time. Yeah. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code JJGO to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com and enter code JJGO. Now, Jordan, we also have something up on the Jumbotron where our listeners can share messages with each other. This is for JP from Amart.

I hope I'm pronouncing that okay. A-M-A-R-T. The message is, congratulations on your new house, but don't dare forget that I have three legendary Ryomas and you have none. Well. Probably a Pokemon. That's a fine guess. Yeah. A Ryoma.

Three legendary Ryomas. Is that like maybe possibly a difficult to obtain anime DVD? Is that like neuroblastoma? It's a brag. This person's just like... Taunting the sick. Hello, it's Dr. Franklin. Are you sitting down?

You've got three legendary Rhymas. That's right on your testicles. You also have three testicles. You never put a mirror down there to take a look? No. Why are you listening to our podcast ourselves, Jesse and Jordan's famous podcast, every week? Right, where we encourage listeners to hold hand mirrors under there? Yeah, get a look at the undercarriage.

Get a look. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, like... Just, hey, check yourself for RyoMoz. Make it a fun, sensual break. Let me put it this way, Jordan. What? Check yourself for RyoMoz before you wreck yourself from RyoMoz. Yeah.

Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessico. Awesomefun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jenny Jaffe, plucky detective assistant.

I mean, God knows you're plucky. Thank you so much. That's huge. That's really, truly like, I feel like that's what I want. I want to be known for. And Jenny, I think this is as good a time as any to tell you I'm promoting you to co-detective. What? After that case

that we just solved, I really pulled it out in the end. You didn't believe my theory at first. I didn't, but you're right. It was the husband who killed her. It was weird that you didn't believe it. It's true. It seems likely. No, I said.

Usually that's who it is. Yeah. I thought it was like smugglers or pirates. Well, oh boy. Because that's kind of how I wanted it. The notes, the initial notes on the case that you sent me said you thought it was a garburator accident. Listen, I was doing a lot of shrooms over the course of this case. Here's how the episode ends where there's the case.

It's like, it's all so happy. And then as they're pulling out, I'm like, do I get my name on the door? And you're like, whoa there, champ. And then we freeze and the credits roll. Yeah. This is going to be a lot of fun. Welcome to the world of detecting. It's a joy to have you on the team.

I hire Jordan for various. You seem like the chief. I regularly do. No, I'm not. I'm a simple private citizen. Oh, is this a Carmen Sandiego situation? Yeah. I like that better.

That's the only way I know that detectives work. There's a chief who occasionally calls in via video. The only crimes are people stealing monuments. But they have no idea where the person went. What's her name? Esopath and Mercison? What are you saying? Should we call the doctor?

Are you having a stroke? I don't know. She's a cartoon. Sorry, I'm having a legendary Ryo Ma right now. Just put your bite block in so you don't bite off your own tongue. Put your wallet in my mouth. Yes, daddy. Hey, wait. I forgot to do the one

thing I meant to do on this podcast. Which is plug the movie Serenity, which I'm not in. I saw it on Saturday! Jordan! Do you want it? Okay, the rest of the show's done. We have to just talk about Serenity. I need this to be a huge thing. That was why I texted Elliot

to find out that he got off the plane. You guys are going to Serenity. That's the next movie. You wanted to protect the box office receipts of Serenity when you texted Elliot to make sure he was okay? I didn't know he had gotten hit

by a plane at that point. That's why I was texting him to be like, hey, by the way. I thought you meant when you heard that his plane got hit by lightning. I was like, go see Serenity first. Go see Serenity now. You might fall.

I'm so sorry I peeped the microphone, Brian. I think it is reasonable to assume that Serenity could also be playing on airplanes at this point, given its performance. But I guess here's my elevator pitch if you're wondering if you should go see Serenity. What is Serenity? It is if- The less you know, the better. Yeah, the less you know, the better. Isn't it the movie of-

It's a different Serenity. Yeah. You will be disappointed. Is that the name of the show or the movie? Serenity. So you're thinking of the movie of Firefly. Yes. It's called Serenity.

Yes. I love that. This is a Matthew McConaughey boat movie. Yeah. Oh, wait. It's not the movie of Firefly. Yes. It's called Serenity. Yes. I love that. This is a Matthew McConaughey boat movie. Yeah. Oh, wait. It's not the movie of Firefly? No, it's not.

Because I liked Firefly and I loved that movie. Sure, great movie. You creepily saying daddy is really what... Did that have Chiwetel in it? Oh, yeah.

There is some weird daddy shit in that. Did that movie have Chiwetel Ejiofor in it? Yeah. The other Serenity did. Oh, yeah. I loved that.

Why are we talking about that Serenity? It's a space movie with Chiwetel Ejiofor. So this Serenity did. Oh, yeah. I loved that. Why are we talking about that Serenity? It's a space movie, which you would tell I'd do you for. So this Serenity, it will be leaving theaters soon. When I was looking up show times, it was only playing at 3 p.m. or 11 p.m. I think I saw it at noon. It is if Jimmy Buffett did peyote and wrote an episode of Blackbeard. That's a great description.

Yeah, I do want to talk about the specifics with someone. We're going to talk about this off mic. Sure. But the thing I do want to say about Serenity is I've never had a more communal experience with an audience. Yeah, it was fun. I was told to go see it by somebody who knows I love bad movies. And so I went with a friend and it was

clear there were people in the audience who were there just for a movie because some people aren't comedy assholes yeah and well i mean it has stars in it i mean it has matthew mcconaughey and ann hathaway but then jiman hansu yeah and then over the course of the movie everyone got on the same page and by the end it was like a. People were cheering and cracking up and applauding. I made friends with people outside the theater because we were talking about it. And now I'm going to go to an escape room with them. So serenity is a beautiful experience. And afterwards, you're going to go to Olive Garden and one person is going to order something and everybody else is going to gorge on unlimited breadsticks.

Well, talking about how great that one note you hit was, Becky. And there's like one kid who like drinks coffee. Oh, he's so cute. God, he's so cute. But no, it was, it swings for the fences harder than any other movie I've ever seen. Yeah.

Truly has a twist that- And then has like a sub twist. And then has- A twist and a half. It has like a 45 minute twist. Yeah. It is so fucking weird. It's truly... I've seen a lot of bad

movies. I think this is up there. It's magic. It is that kind of bonkers. It's the best bad movie. And it has stars in it who are acting good. It has good performances. Anyway. Kind of. Is Matthew McConaughey good?

He doesn't know there's a camera on him. Yeah. I think this is maybe just what Matthew McConaughey behaves like. And I'm also including the fact that he lives in a storage container. He does. I think that might also be how. In the movie or in real life? Could be both.

It's in the movie. But I mean, I think if the theory that he didn't know there was a camera that I'm like, yeah, I could see McConaughey living in a storage container. It's just like it's so baffling that it was it was produced. Like, I just don't know. I mean, if you had Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway. Why did they sign on to this movie? They're Oscar winners. Sure.

Anyway, it's a real treat. If you like to goof on a big swing, then go out there and see Serenity. Make some new friends. Go to an escape room. I'm tempted to buy out a theater and bring all the people that I want to go see it. Because I'm like, I really, I need, it felt like going insane at a certain point. It does. It feels like madness.

I need to know that somebody else witnessed this. You wonder. You wonder. You're like, are we all, we all see this, right? I'm not just dying on an operating table. And this is a weird movie that I see in my head before I die. This is the movie I'm watching on the plane while the lightning hits. Oh, yeah, sure.

And now I'm half Serenity. T-U-N-A. I saw Spider-Man. It was great. Yeah, Spider-Man is real good. Spider-Man was really, really strong. Spider-Man is real good. Yeah, really enjoyed that.

I didn't mean to interrupt a segment. I just – No, it's fine. It's not a big deal. We actually had scheduled to do Serenity Chat, so this was nice. Thank you for...

I was so excited to talk about Chiwetel Ejiofor. Sure. When you put Serenity Chat on the schedule. No, yeah. I would love to do a podcast where I just have a different friend

watch Serenity every week. Yeah. And the second it's over, get their reaction. Because it felt like going insane. Can I suggest a guest for week one? Chiwetel Ejiofor. Great.

He'd be a good guest. He's amazing. He's a very compelling guy. Do you think he'd be a great podcast guest? I've had him as a guest on my podcast Bullseye with Jesse Thornton. He was wonderful. That's awesome. He's a great actor.

I love it in that movie where he kills that guy and he's like, this is a good death. That's such a fucking good, fucking strong start to a movie. He should have been in Serenity. Who? She would have told you if not. That he was. Oh, Serenity. Serenity.

The real Serenity. Serenity 2. Serenity 2. He was more expensive than another Serenity. He was the star of the David Mamet MMA movie, right? Yeah, Red Belt. I was really into that. Sure.

I'll watch that again. Let's start a podcast where we just watch that David Mamet MMA movie. Nah. No. Less compelling. Yeah. Value proposition. We'll see.

When something momentous happens to you, we ask you call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Here's our first call. It's just me being like, I just saw something. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Ben calling from Alaska. And I'm really glad to get to talk to you guys. Entirely by coincidence, I was listening to you guys as I returned home to my cabin this evening, and anyway, it's a place that had been robbed, and there's stuff all over the floor.

Doesn't really seem to be a disaster. There's not anything really irreplaceable missing. Weirdly specific, the computer power cord for the laptop is gone, but the laptop's still here. The other weirdly specific thing that's missing as far as condoms, I've checked, there's only one place that they would be, and they're definitely gone. So this person that broke through the window probably terrified my dog. Absconded with a computer power cord and condoms. So anyways, it seemed like a momentous choice.

And I just wanted you guys to know mostly that I really appreciated you being here with me as I, you know, experienced this slightly stressful moment, and it felt like I had some reassuring friends to help me out through that situation. Thanks. Great job. Talk to you later. Matthew McConaughey, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, we're sorry that happened to your storage container. Did he call you guys before, like, the police? Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. That's what – Just to let storage container. Did he call you guys before the police? Yeah, that's what you're supposed to do.

That's what... Just to let us know. We try and keep people locked in so they got the phone number in the phone and they know when something just happens, they call right away. Now, I'm sorry. Don't gather your thoughts.

Call right away. That's what we want. There's only one place the condoms could have been. I'm like, why? On his day? Yeah. And, you know, before we chat more about this, I just want to say we're glad you're okay. Yes.

This is very scary. Glad your dog's okay. Glad the dog's okay. Yeah. Basically, this exact same thing happened to me two months ago. My place got broken into. It's fucking terrifying. It's totally terrifying.

And, yeah, it's weird. It feels weird being in your house for the you know next couple weeks and especially I would imagine if you live in a cabin in Alaska because you know it could have been a bear sure yeah a bear who loves to fuck but he's not ready for a kid

you know he'd be fucking yeah bears love to fuck they love to fuck and they love the juiced up battery they love a full battery um the it's felt like a riddle yeah as he was saying it was like a cabin in alaska the only things missing are the condoms the dead guy is superman yeah exactly is it possible that we're the people that you met outside the movie and we're in an escape room right now. It does feel a little bit like that, yeah.

That would be the most, that would be the best thing to cater to a specific demographic, an escape room that is also a podcast. Why have, like, you have to be a guest on the podcast to get out of the escape room? Anyway. We did have a little,

I should say that while he was speaking, we did, there was kind of a nonverbal communication going on in the room while we were listening and of course, you know,

we all feel bad for what happened to you. We're glad you're okay. We're glad your pets are okay. It sounded like you were jerking off while you were talking to us. It was a very like

phone sex. I'm sure he just was like out of breath from like stress but it was a very heady tone. That's just how you talk. Like you have a profession ahead of you, sir. I think Ben was glad to have us there and glad to have us to call because he lives in a remote cabin and hasn't spoken to someone in over eight months.

So that's why it's so crazy that that person or bear got in there to steal his condom. He's Walter White at like the very last part right before the end of Breaking Bad. Oh, sure. Yeah. He's just up there with Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

We're glad you're okay. And, you know, happy cranking off, I guess. Did you say that at the end of Breaking Bad, Walter White works at Mr. McGoriam's? In the version that I wrote, I did a fan fiction where he meets Invader Zim and then works at Mr. McGoriam's. No, it's a little running joke from the end of Breaking Bad that he has to go live in this remote cabin. And that's like the only movie he has. Oh, that's fun. It is fun.

That's a fun show, huh? Yeah. Hey, we recommend Hot Take. How about Breaking Bad? It feels like he, for like the real mystery, it feels like he might have an asshole friend. Like it doesn't feel like a- Ben? Yeah.

Or Walter White. Both. Yeah. But it feels like Ben- Or Mr. Magorium. Mr. Magor Both. Yeah. But it feels like Ben. Or Mr. Magorium. Mr. Magorium. Yeah. It feels like Ben might have like one asshole friend.

Oh, who like did a joke robbery? I don't know what guys do, man. Yeah. You just steal your bro's porn. You can't have internet porn and also you can't have sex with a lady. So just jerk off and call Jordan Jessica. Anyway, got to go slap some fish out of a river. I'm still a bear even though I'm his jerk friend.

Time to hibernate. See you in the spring, asshole. date. See you in the spring, asshole. That's when a bear says to you, anytime he pulls off a prank, he's like, well, see you in the spring, asshole. And he cups a

fart and throws it in your face. He puts a bucket of water on top of your doorframe. Yeah, sure. It's a prank bear. It's a North Alaskan prank grizzly. See you in the spring, asshole.

The famous prank bear. See you in the spring, asshole. Why are we popular on YouTube? Oh, well, I can think of a few reasons. We rarely play Minecraft. We're not attractive young people.

But other than that, I think we probably have a promising career. I think Crank Bear could be a huge series. Yeah. It's a social experiment. Yeah. Yeah. Or you could just eat hot peppers or something. Oh, experiment. Yeah. Yeah. Or you could just like eat hot peppers or something. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You guys could be like teen girls who are like medium good at makeup. Oh, yeah. I think we could. I could become medium good at makeup. Yeah. There is, you know, last year I did that show, The Turnaround, where I interviewed interviewers.

And there's a man who's famous on YouTube for interviewing celebrities, especially rappers, while they eat hot wings. Oh, yeah. And so many people emailed me and were like, you've got to get this guy who gets people to eat hot wings on your show about interviewing people. And I don't have a problem with him or his show. What would I ask him? You know? What kind of wing? Ranch or blue cheese? Ranch or blue cheese?

The big question when it comes to wings. And the answer is ranch. Oh, well, you know, agree to disagree. When you're talking to Post Malone, do you go to Wingstop or? Yeah. Buffalo Wild Wings? Yeah. B-dubs?

These are the questions Seems like it would go great Let's take another call It's the same guy Hey Jesse Guest and Sunny Beef I have a moment of shame I

had a not great day and was trying to think of ways to feel better. So I was getting ready to play some video games while wearing a butt plug because that's the way I roll. And I forgot that I'd arranged for my mother to come by and have a... Hey, pause the show. Pause it because we just need a little time. Hold on. There's a lot of stuff happening.

This is half as crazy as the Twisted Serenity. We need to do a recap. So first of all, I want to say it's great coming on to a show that I'm sure had a lot of audience in jokes having not listened. This is not one of them. Because for a second – Oh, no, maybe it is. Anyway, sorry. For a second, that's what I thought it was, and I saw your guy's reaction.

Yeah. No, I mean, we are obviously, look, on Jordan, Jesse, Go, we've been doing this show 12 years, and through that 12 years, we have never wavered in our support for prostate stimulation. Sure. It's the male G spot. Absolutely. There's a lot of nerve endings in there. There's a lot of nerve endings.

It's a great of nerve endings in there. There's a lot of nerve endings. It's a great place to play. You're thinking of Orlando. Fair enough. But here's what's weird about it. He's not like, I was going to put in a butt plug and jerk off or whatever. He was like, I'm going to then play video games.

Then play video games. That also caught me up. I think of those as both fulfilling activities. Play video games? Them play video games. Yeah. That also caught me up. Mm-hmm. I think of those as both fulfilling activities. Sure. Look, you want to tell me, Jesse, are you proud of catching an 18-pound muskie in Red Dead Redemption? Yeah, weirdly proud of it. Do you think he was about to play a Brown Dead Redemption?

You want to put the dark in Dark Souls. I don't know if any of these work. Not quite, but you know. Hey, there we go. That's it. That's as good as we're gonna get. So, yeah.

Under crotch? That's too much. It's too much, yeah. I don't think we know you're punning Overwatch at this point. Exactly. It's a pun on a pun.

Hat on a hat. Yeah. Do you guys wanna just kinda go off into some corners and think of some video game butt puns and then come back here in like 20 minutes and see what we got crap of the crapper yeah that might be it yeah yeah anyway uh sorry oh metal rear solid mario party yeah there's a lot of good ones um so i i again i find both of these to be

fulfilling activities. My concern is that it's an unusual combination. And then he said he was pretty sure his mom was coming over. Is that what he said? He did not know his mom was coming over. So let's start from the beginning. So let's recap last week on Jordan Jesse

Go. This guy had a bad day. No but I love this is how he unwinds it's kind of yeah it's self-care yeah which is i mean i think we all need to take a little bit of time for yeah um so yeah so to recap this guy's having a bad day he's like i need to do a little something for me for me me i'm always thinking of others right to think about me. You can't carry everyone's weight. You got to do a little self-care sometimes. You got to do a little self-care for you and for those around you. Yeah, because otherwise you'll become a burden to them.

Of course. So he's having a bad day. So he decides to play some video games. We do not know which video game. I'm going to guess Super Smash Brothers Ultimate, but that's just, you know. Oh, he's trying to unlock those characters. Gotta unlock those characters. Gotta unlock Incineroar.

Trying to get at Waluigi. No, he's not in it. Wario. He's a summon. Wario is in there? Waluigi for Smash. Is Wario in there? Wario's in there, yeah.

So he's playing Super Smash Brothers? Yeah, and he also has a butt plug in. And we don't know what brand that is either. Yeah. Enjoy or... Enjoy is a quality product, by the way. It's a quality plug. A very high, solid stainless steel, Jordan.

Ooh. Yeah. Nice. Machine washable? Absolutely. What machine? I don't know. One of those things at the bowling alley that washes the balls.

You shine up your plug while you're there? That's why he had to go to the Broadway bowling alley. Oh, shine up your butt plug. And then he had to pretend he was there for the Broadway bowling. Nope, just shine him a plug. I'm going to play the claw machine. Okay, so he's got- Anyway, cast of Chicago, I probably said too much.

He's got the plug in. Let's roll. He's playing a game. Maybe it's Smash Ultimate. Maybe it's not. And his got the plug in. Let's roll. He's playing a game. Maybe it's Smash Ultimate. Maybe it's not. And his mom is coming over. Yeah. Okay.

So, Brian, do you want to start from? I like to imagine he prefers to play like a dramatic narrative game like Firewatch. Oh, sure. Yeah. Mist. Firewatch would be excellent. He's playing Mist with the plug. Sure.

Put in the plug. Play some Mist. Plug it in. Let's solve some mysteries. It could also be like Snake. Like he's not. Just like it on an old Nokia cell phone. I used to be so boss at that.

Oh, yeah? Text and T9 word. Whoa. He's like, well, in goes the plug and out comes the TI-82. Let's play Drug Wars. Okay, Brian. Hogwarts. Okay, Brian.

And I forgot that I'd arranged for my mother to come by and have a talk and just like hang out and get some food. And she doesn't have her phone on her, so she just showed up at my door. And so I had no opportunity to remove said object from my person, so I had dinner with my mom whilst wearing a butt plug. Thank you very much. Love the show. Wet as a rock, hard, no, no, no, no, hard hard as a cock wet as a quiver you're welcome bye what was that we didn't say thank you

so that he was punning oh boy god so much so much bullshit in this show was there a lot of lore behind it yeah we have we do a slogan every year and last year it was hard as a rock wet as a river which to be clear is not sexual well see first i felt like he thought he was calling savage love and then i felt like he was trying to give a

comedy bang bang like tagline oh yeah sure that's our hey nong man no idea what what podcast he's on but brian is definitely a tech savvy at risk youth of course yeah um yeah so I mean – so let's unpack. So I will – so to speak. I'll reveal a little bit of my own squareness. I have never had a butt plug in. Really? in. So I don't know what the process to remove one is like, but I guess I would wonder if he did not like being in this situation, why did he not excuse himself to the bathroom and take out the plug? I mean, again, storage is an issue. I don't know if they're at

a Chili's 2 or wherever, if he has to just pocket the thing, but it seems like you slip it out and put it in the medicine cabinet until mommy goes home. It feels like you could just run off, be like, hold on one second. Take it out. I would just say, mom, give me a minute. I have to take out my butt plug.

I can't. I can't. Yeah. Well, that is sort of a weird element to it. Right. of a weird element to it right uh there's the part of me that like and i'm not kink shaming him whatsoever i want to make that very no one's here for that there's a lot of nerve endings back there degree do people call and tell you these stories yeah to what degree do people call and tell you these stories as part of an erotic humiliation thing because he just got that

story of himself having something erotically humiliating happening to a wider audience. I had not even considered that. Should we fin-dom him real quick? It's like dudes will message you. I mean, you guys don't get the DMs that

women on Twitter get necessarily, but guys will message you specifically with the hope that you will screenshot it and post something mean about it. Really? Yes. Like a specific kind of like online social media? Like on Twitter and stuff.

Oh, dear. Well, to be fair, I have a IFC show where I play a dominatrix. So I think like people think like. Oh, you're in Janet Barney's web series. I am. Well, I am. But that character is from my i didn't know that there's a shared ifc there is universe shared ifc uh cinematic universe

wow entertainment news program the grid involved in this at all um from roughly what would you say 2011 hard to say 2009 hard to say but yeah but so I was like this feels a little bit to me like the the podcast version of that like I wonder

if there isn't an element of like you guys have become now an unwitting conduit exactly to well

I mean but you know what it's kind of an honor I guess I mean we should be the one saying you're welcome send me a thousand dollars you

sniveling, tiny dick piece of work. I can't believe you had dinner with mommy with your wah, wah, wah. His mom's a penis adult. Buy me

a boat. Buy me a boat. But that is all to say that to me is the reason that this story makes sense because otherwise it is like, why didn't he just go take it out? Yeah, maybe. Wow. As if there was an active. Sure. Willful element.

Well, you know, I should just hope that this guy, if this is what happened, if we are unwittingly providing an erotic service for this gentleman, that he'll consider that when the pledge drive comes around. Yeah, I think so. Sure. You sniveling little piece of dirt. It would be great to get, I feel like that's legitimately kind of a good fundraising tactic. To financial amnesty? Erotic humiliation? Yeah.

To find people who are into erotic humiliation and get them to become cash pigs for your – Sure. For our money trough. Maximumfun.org needs you to buy it. Fur coats. Exactly. Buy me art. Fine art. Buy you art? Like expensive

art. That's a good thing for it, yeah. I would love to have some nice art. Yeah. For the pledge drive. It's expensive. Yeah, it is. I'd maybe like some shoes that can transition from the office to the nightclub. From shoes into roller skates.

Oh, yeah, that too. You want some heels? Buy me heelies. I do need some adult heelies. Pathetic sniveling worm. Find heelies big enough for a grown up and put them on my feet. And I want them to go day to night. Wear the office and the club.

Day to night heelies. Yeah. You can dress them up go day to night. Where the office and the club. Day to night Heelys. Yeah. You could dress them up and dress them down. Wait. They're just Heelys. You could throw a little blazer on top of them. Here's another question. Did they go out to dinner or do it at home?

I was wondering if they were going to an Olive Garden or something. I think they went out to the Olive Garden. I do think at a certain point when you're doing that, I think it is a – and again, I don't know the specifics of this circumstance. I think it is somewhat unethical to involve other people unwittingly in any sort of sexual act. Yes. Any sort of like – I don't know. Even your widow mommy? Oh, God.

They're at the Olive Garden. We're all family. And you're strapped for a butt plug. Stick one of them breadsticks up there. That's the worst part. Is that everyone's family at the Olive Garden. Your waiters are all your step-parents Your dad's out of town

That's why he was on purpose He was like, yeah, waiter daddy's gonna be so mad Oh boy I think if you We're gonna have to tip him big I think if he did go out to dinner with his mom Where would you go? And if you were at the Applebee's or what have

you. I could understand not wanting to just excuse yourself to take it out because you don't have a purse to put it in or whatever if you're a dude, probably. But he was started at home. But maybe he didn't think of it. Maybe his mind's not quick enough. His mother whisked him out the door.

Somebody needs some improv classes. Just pulled up outside and honked the horn. Or he just doesn't feel it anymore. And he doesn't want to just throw it in the garbage can. What? I'm not saying he throws it in the garbage can. He doesn't have anywhere to put it. He has a pocket. He's out to dinner.

Is he really going to put that in his pocket? I don't know. It's probably not bigger than a cell phone. Right? We don't know. What if it was like a really big... That's true. This might have been a real monster.

Yeah. This guy might be like... I mean, those Enjoys cost $75. I know. You can put it in a pocket, though. I don't... I mean, you're still carrying one of those Nokia phones. I am.

You play Snake. You have a capacious pocket already. And you know, this is so funny because I got my plug wet the other day but then I thought it was done for. I just put it in some rice. Put it in a bag of rice.

Dry rice, yeah. Brown rice. All right, show's over. No one's doing any podcasting again ever. Are your calls always this sexual? They, I would say 40%, 30%

of the calls are some sort of I'm exploring a kink or something or I had some sort of sexual milestone. I don't know why could it be because our show is so gross and people feel like it's a safe space, which I think we both pride ourselves

in. I think we both pride ourselves in being – We're sex positive. We get sex positive. We can goof on it, but hopefully no one feels judged or less than. You can come over. You can look at our copy of Madonna's sex book. Sure. You know, that kind of thing.

Yeah. No, I think that's – Go on IFC, we say. I think that's great. I'm all for that. I think that's great. I'm all for that. I think that's so awesome. It's more just like me not knowing the segment. I'm like, oh, is this what it is?

Well, there's another reason. Gimlet is selling for $200 or so million. Sure. We figure if we could really pump things up, we could really juice up Max Fund on this episode of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Right. Really skyrocket. Send that stock price skyrocketing.

Then I could come out of here with a cool half a bill. Right? Oh, are you saying that the sex talk is some sort of strategy? Yeah. I mean, I think the idea is. It's from the financial domination. Oh, right, right, right, right. If we really get Jordan, Jesse, Go moving on this episode,. We have a great red hot juicy episode.

It's pretty juicy. You know, I mean, how many episodes of Jonathan Goldstein's podcast has he done? Probably 20 or something. Probably a lot, yeah. We could do 20

20 Goldstein's worth in this one episode. We'd get our half a bill. Sure, yeah. I think maximum fund's worth half a billion. Wow. That's what I think. I mean maximum fund's worth half a billion. Wow. That's what I think.

I mean, if Howard Schultz can run for president, maximum fund's worth half a billion. Do you mean dollars or doll hairs? Wait,

doll hairs? Doll hairs. Oh, doll hairs. I thought you meant the doll hairs who wrote the book of Greek myths.

Oh, boy. There's only two of them. Yeah. I'd say it's worth about one of them. Do you guys get clarification? Like, can that guy tweet at us or something? I'd rather he didn't.

I really want clarification. Or, like, I want to. Yeah, but, you know, we do once in a while request follow-up calls if we feel like there's a key piece of information missing. if we feel like there's a key piece of information missing. And yeah, I guess if this guy feels like maybe he's been misrepresented in some way or just wants to tell us why he couldn't just go to the bathroom and pop her out. We are, to be clear, fine with the fact that that's how he was relaxing. I think that's great. I love that he knows what he wants and is taking charge of his sexual health.

It really is why did he not. Yeah. Why was he unable to remove it? What would I like to know? Interesting. So I've got two questions. Yes. Number one,

why was he unable to find an opportune moment? And then number two, why hasn't he given me some of that? All right. All right. Give me a Rauschenberg.

Oh, yeah. Give me a Jasper Johns. Shove a man ray right in my face. Show me a Rauschenberg. Ooh, yeah. Give me a Jasper Johns. Shove a man ray right in my face. Show me them nasty man rays. I don't want some addition glyph, though. Give me an original. JJGo at MaximumFun.org is our email address if you want to email us. The voice memo 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number to call whenever something momentous happens to you.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Hi, I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And I'm Teresa. And we host One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Whether you are a parent or just know kids exist in the world, join us each week as we honestly share what it's like to be a parent. I don't know how to fix mornings for myself. I do not know how to make mornings okay for myself. So the t-shirt,

I don't do mornings, isn't even a funny shirt. I shouldn't get it for you. It's sad. It's a sad shirt. Yeah, it's a sad shirt with tears flowing. So join us each week as we judge less, laugh more, and remind you that you are doing a great job. Find us on MaximumFun.org, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Not all heroes wear capes. Some heroes watch war movies and then review them. Friendly Fire is a war movie podcast for people who don't necessarily like war movies, although it does not exclude people who love war movies.

I'll have you know that I am wearing a cape. My cape is just made of sound deadening material from an audio recording studio. It's a really great show. John's daughter doesn't like it because we sometimes say swear words on it, but almost everybody else that has ever listened to it has enjoyed the program. Download and subscribe to Friendly Fire wherever you get your podcasts. To the victor go the spoiler alerts. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, the detective agency. Morris, my office, now. Yes, ma'am.

And bring me a Rothko. We did. Okay. Okay. So Brian stepped into the studio in between segments and he let us know there was a follow-up call from that last caller. call from that last caller. And the answer is the answer both is and the reason we can't say the answer is

it was too gross. Too gross, yes. Too gross. Suffice it to say t'was too gross. That covers us all around. I've been satiated as far as information goes. My thirst for knowledge has been slaked.

Goodbye to my love of lifelong learning. I don't think I'll ever be thirsty again, honestly. Oh, yeah. Honestly, it gave me more questions about this person. It's fine. Sounds like a nice man. And, you know, actually, maybe we know the mystery of the butt plug, but call us back and let us know who your main in Smash. Yeah.

Who your main in Smash. Please, let us know who your main is. Yeah. Also, where'd you go to dinner? Yeah, where'd you go to dinner? We need to know that. Wario. We just want a recommendation.

Yeah. I think Wario would... You have a question about Wario's sexual use of his anus? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. that's sexual use of his anus? No, no, no, no, no. I just, do you think Wario would ever go out to the Olive Garden because when you're there, you're family?

Or do you think he would think it was kind of like too cliched because he's evil Italian or reverse Italian? Reverse Italian? Something like that, right? What's reverse Italian. Reverse Italian? Something like that, right? What's reverse Italian? I think it's Spanish.

Is Wario and Waluigi, are they evil Mario and evil Luigi? Or are they reverse Mario and reverse Luigi? Are they like Bizarro Superman? They're evil, yeah. They're evil. Yeah, but Bizarro, that's the... Okay. They're really more like a Star Trek mirror-verse.

Like Johnny Johnson from News Radio? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We all know what's going on. They're the father of hell of the Smash Bros. universe. Exactly, yeah. They have more sex appeal than Mario and Luigi.

I agree. Yeah, I mean, you know, some of us like a bad boy. I thought you were about to say... They don't get any badder than Mario and Waluigi. Waluigi. Waa to the bone. I think we just got rich, Jordan. Pax, here we come.

Oh, my God. What? I just laughed so hard it hurt. What? I laughed so hard my butt plug came out. That's really what was awkward about this whole thing. I was like, I forgot I was going to do a podcast. Right.

So I drove all the way downtown. Yeah. Oh, boy. Qua to the po- Well, Jenny, it's been a joy having you on the program. Thank you guys so much for having me. I've learned so much. How can people best

enjoy your work at this time? Just follow me on Twitter. I think that's probably the best thing at this moment. What are we looking at? At Jenny Jaffe? It's J-A-F-F-E. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's a good follow. Yeah. Thank you. It's a lot

of stray musical theater observations I delete after they get like five legs. No, you're speaking to your audience. Yeah, okay. I think this is the audience that will appreciate a good reference to Sunday in the Park with George. We're talking John Ross Bowie specifically. Sure, yeah. Honestly, yes.

I always know he's got my back on these things. But also if anybody wants to buy us a Surat, just send it to us, bitch. You're all little bitches, aren't you? Yeah, sure. Ooh, I like pointillism. Yeah, points are bigger than your dick. I don't know. Seems about right.

It might be. Yeah. Anyway, what fun. What fun about right. It might be. Yeah. Anyway, what fun? What fun we've had. What fun? What fun? What? Jenny Jaffe has been our guest on the program.

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. Or Sonny Beef, as one of our callers conflated him. Sonny Beef was what Bud Love said. Yeah. He's sometimes known as Beef for Brian Fernandez. Oh.

And sometimes he's known as Sonny D because of his sunny disposition. Who calls him Beef? I do. Really? I've never heard that. My sister's initials are BJ and I call her Beej. She doesn't love it. It's a good nickname. It's I've never heard that. All the time I call him Beej. My sister's initials are Beejay and I call her Beej. She doesn't love it. Yeah, but it's a good nickname. It is a good nickname. It's a fucking rock solid nickname.

Okay. All right. All right. You know what? Speaking of nicknames, I just got back from the Bay Area attending my brother-in-law's engagement party. Congratulations to Baby D. Sure.

Congratulations on his engagement. He's got a beautiful fiance. She's a wonderful woman. They'll be very happy. They're going to be very happy together. I'm sure. Wait, what's Baby D? Baby D, that's my brother-in-law.

Oh, okay. Baby Danny. Aw. How old is Baby? Baby Danny's in his mid-20s. Oh. He's got a master's degree. Baby D is actually my favorite brand of butt plug.

Meow. Baby D is actually my favorite brand of butt plug. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfun.reddit.com or bozgags.reddit.com. What? Yeah, we got bozgags.reddit.com. Okay. Anybody wants to hit us up, hit us up at bo bossgags dot reddit dot com. Okay. Anybody wants to hit us up, hit us up at bossgags dot reddit dot com. Okay. Somebody's been posting bossgags related stuff in there,

and I kind of want to flush it out. Okay. You can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris, and of course at Jenny Jaffe. You can find us on Facebook just like Jordan Jesse Go so much fun stuff happens there

Brian will post a picture that came up on the show sometimes I don't want the pictures that came up on this show NSFW yeah I mean maybe a picture of a bear it's a Rothko prank bear

everyone enjoys prank bear if you want to send us a picture of a bear slapping him. It's a Rothko. Oh, yeah, prank bear. Yeah, prank bear. Everyone enjoys prank bear. Yeah, if you want to send us a picture of prank bear. See you in the spring, asshole. Post it on Twitter with the hashtag JJCo. He's the wise bear of all. Oh, shit. I got to plug something real quick before we go. But your mom's coming.

Stand up, motherfuckers. Stand up. If you're in Portland, Oregon, February 15th, the day after Valentine's Day, I'll be up there doing Bullseye with Jesse Thorne. Simpsons legend Bill Oakley, Corin Tucker of Slater Kinney, Lance Bangs, who's married to Corin Tucker. Live comedy and music, and you can buy your tickets now.

So I hope that I will see you at the... Now? At the Listen Up Portland Festival in Portland, Oregon on February 15th. Okay, that's all. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessica.