Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 570: Pet Banana Peel with Laurie Kilmartin and Jackie Kashian

Episode Date: February 12, 2019

Laurie Kilmartin and Jackie Kashian (The Jackie and Laurie Show) join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how Jesse recently went to his first old person concert, but Jackie has been going to see old people concerts her entire life, Laurie's brief dalliance with Tony Robbins tapes, and the lie that teens have been telling for centuries. Plus, Jackie and Laurie's podcast, The Jackie and Laurie Show, is now on Max Fun!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. The rain has washed our great city of Los Angeles clean, Jordan. Yeah, all the scum is in the gutters now, where it belongs. Are we making a neo-noir? Yes.

Oh, great. I was trying to think of something specific from Watchmen, but couldn't pull an exact quote. Quick question. Yes. Can I be a femme fatale? Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, you're leggy. Do I have to shave?

Huh? Do I have to shave? Do I have to shave? Huh? Do I have to shave? No, I mean, basically what I want to do with this neo-noir is really open up the idea of what we consider to be a femme fatale. So if the femme fatale would like to have hairy gams, as long as she's got gams, I ain't complaining. I got like 40 inches of gams.

I don't know. Sure. like 40 inches of gams. I don't know. Sure. Gams for days. Yeah. I got at least a fortnight's worth of gams. Sure. That's a popular video game. Sure.

Yeah. So I think that if, you know, however you interpret femme fatale is okay with me. I mean, who am I to say, you know, what a femme fatale should look like? Could it be set in a near future? Like, remember when the guy from Vampire Weekend made a Netflix show that was set in Gnocchio? No. But, I mean, that sounds like what television is these days. Yeah.

It sure does. Neo Gnocchio. Yeah. A gnocchi is like a potato pasta. Yeah. That sure does. Neo gnocchio. Yeah. A gnocchi is like a potato pasta. Right. And so this is a cartoon set on a piece of pasta made by the guy from Vampire Weekend. Neo gnocchio. All right.

Neo gnocchio. What are we talking about now? So do you want it to be- The guy from Vampire Weekend. I don't remember which Vampire Weekend guy it was. Do you want your femme fatale? Yeah. I think it was the little pale guy in the sweater.

Got it. Who, you know, even though you like his music, you kind of want to push him down. Got it. You kind of want to cup a fart and throw it in his face, even though you like those songs. Man, can I tell you, Jordan? You still feel like you want to just cup a fart and toss it right in his little face. Go tell everybody in the Hamptons about that, Tripp.

Our friend. If you're named Tripp, it probably is. Our friend Scott Simpson from Legacy Podcast. You look nice today. Probably in the Legacy Podcast Hall of Fame. Sure. Scott Simpson, I once got into his car and he was listening to Vampire Weekend. This was just when Vampire Weekend this was just when

Vampire Weekend was breaking across the blog world sure and I said wow Scott really Vampire Weekend

and like a year later my wife started listening to Vampire Weekend around the house and I was like uh oh I really like Vampire Weekend

sure yeah and I basically felt bad about picking on Scott Simpson for his dad indie rock ever since. Have you issued an apology? I should text him right now. Okay. I'm going to text Scott Simpson.

That's good to do. We should do. Do you want to introduce our guests? I'll introduce our guests. Okay. They are two of the hosts of one of Max Fun's newest podcasts. Have you guys said that yet? Oh, we've informed our listeners, yes.

Oh, good. Yeah. I don't know. Listen, I briefly scan the MaxFun mass emails, and sometimes I don't know what's official and what's not. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But you guys are the two hosts of the Jackie and Lori comedy program. Right. I'm Jackie. I'm Lori. And you host a show. Right. The specific name of which is Escaping Me Now. What is the name?

How does it go? The Jackie and Lori show? The Lori and Jackie show. Sorry. No, we decided that Jackie has a nice, hard, it has that ax sound, the K. And Lori is sort of a, ooh. Yeah. So.

I said none of that. Just so you know. It's my chief complaint about my name. So I thought it sounded better Jackie and Lori instead of Lori and Jackie. Just quick update. I texted Scott. Sorry I made fun of you for listening to Vampire Weekend once. I now like them too. Am on air right now. Can't Scott. Sorry I made fun of you for listening to Vampire Weekend once. I now like them too.

Am on air right now. Can't talk. Cool. Very professional. 2011? Yeah. That was both unprofessional and professional. I think it might have been 2008? 2007? When did Vampire Weekend come out? It was a long time ago.

Yeah. Feels like forever. I think they were the last rock music, actually. The last rock music to come out. I was a long time ago. Yeah, it feels like forever. I think they were the last rock music, actually. The last rock music to come out. I think that's correct. Well, I mean, there's ironic Weezer covers now. Oh, yeah, sure. That's all that's left of rock music. Fake Led Zeppelins, I guess, as well.

Wait, did Weezer do its own cover? Weezer has been doing ironic covers lately. That's their new thing. Weezer, you've got to hand it to Weezer has been doing ironic covers lately. Yeah. Okay. Right. That's their new thing. Weezer. You got to hand it to Weezer. I don't think you have to. Why would you?

In what circumstance would you have to hand it to Weezer? This is the circumstance. Okay. Given how long they have been functionally irrelevant. Right. Right. Sure. Which is now, I mean, their last like hit. Yeah.

Yeah. Their last like hit songs was where we were still in college. That was after they, we were in high school when Weezer hit their peak. We might have even been in middle school when the first record came out. The 20th century? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. They were the sweater song right yes exactly exactly and then i think those like uh island in the sun and stuff that was when we were in college so that would have must have been at least 15 years in college right now that's how yeah so good for them that they're still working

but they're still like young people interested in them, I think. I think that's a thing. Yeah. I mean, I was amazed recently. By recently, I mean, you know, three years ago or something, when I drove by the Hollywood Palladium, which is a concert venue, and noticed that Green Day was playing. I also was, I'm like, oh, you didn't know about this. That's interesting about myself. But then I kind of slowed down to peruse the line just because, you know, that was one Green Day where, you know, some of my, it was one of my key interests as a child.

Okay. Or as a, you know. A teen, as an adolescent. Yes, as an 11, 12, 13-ish older, old person. And I slowed to look at the line. Felt a little bit like a creep. Don't like that I did it. But I was curious.

And it was a lot of young people. I think some of those bands, a lot of teens, a lot of scrappy teens, probably had clove cigarettes in their purses and pockets. Was this pre-vape? Oh, I don't know. That's a good question. You know what? You're right. I bet they were vaping.

They were probably vaping. Can you get clove vape juice? Oh, I bet. Yeah, there's got to be. I actually just went to my first old person concert. And I think this is going to be my new lifestyle. But you also saw Green Day. Yeah, I saw Green Day.

And I think this is going to be my new lifestyle. But you also saw Green Day. Yeah, I saw Green Day. I had not been to a concert in probably four years or five years. I can't even remember what the last time I had been to a show was. You went to live music. Yeah. At some point, I remember going to jazz singer Jose James' show, getting there, figuring out there were no chairs, sticking around for two or three songs because I really love jazz singer Jose James. And then my wife being like, Jesse, I'm pregnant and I'm 34 years old.

We need to leave. They expected people to stand through a jazz concert? Yes. That's astonishing. It was incredible. I was blown away. I had gone specifically because I anticipated there would be chairs. And walkers.

And yeah. But this time around, you know that. They just pass you out a walker at the door. Oh, you're a fan of jazz. Here's your cane. But you know how like the whole live concert industry is sustained by elderly rock stars who have slightly less elderly fans who have enough money to buy $200 tickets

to see them. That's the model Jackie and I are both going for. Right. Stage of comedy. Right, but there will always be seating. Yeah. Guaranteed. I had never been

to one of those concerts. Yeah. And I found out Van Morrison was coming to town. I love Van Morrison. And I said, am I old enough that I would be willing to spend three figures to go see Van Morrison? And I was like, well, it's three figures any time I leave the fucking house because I have to hire a babysitter. So it's about the same either way. So I went ahead and bought Van Morrison tickets.

Old people have fucking concert going. Figure the fuck out. Hollywood Bowl? It was at the Wiltern Theater. Oh, they're seating there. That's lovely. That's lovely. Very nice seating.

Yes. Relatively intimate. That's lovely. That's lovely. Very nice seating. Relatively intimate. Mm-hmm. Just me and a bunch of genuine old people. I'm talking about four real- I saw Elvis Costello down in Long Beach at something very similar. We were the young people there. Yes.

We were not. It felt great. People were shaking their fists at you. Stop running. We were like, fists at you. Stop running. We were like, no. I love the idea. But there was an encore, but just one and almost immediately. It sounds like it's perfect for Elvis and his audience.

It was. Everyone wins. Yeah. Elvis had an arc, and then he knew that there was going to be an encore, and there was a button on the arc right there. It was all done. there was going to be an encore and there was a button on the arc right there. It was all done. There was nothing to prove. There was a man whose job it was to keep things on track. I believe it was probably the music director.

He's one of these guys who's playing a keyboard with one hand and playing a trumpet with the other hand. Wow. Very serious guy, definitely in charge of a crack band. And there was just a part where the show ended. And it was like, well, I wonder if there's going to be an encore. And then that guy, who was still on stage, just said Van Morrison a bunch of times into the microphone until people applauded enough that they could credibly bring him back out on stage. It was just a guaranteed, we're going to force this thing, no matter what, Gloria is how we close the show.

Is live concerting something you guys did a lot of as kids, and is it something you still do? You mean going to see music? Yes. No. That's what I call live concerting. Concerting. I couldn't wait to hear the answer to that, by the way, Laurie.

No and no. Like not even when you were a kid? No. Concerting. I couldn't wait to hear the answer to that, by the way, Laurie. No and no. Like not even when you were a kid? No. Uh-uh. I just didn't. I went to old people. I went to see old people concerts when I was a kid. I remember the first old people concert I went to, I was delighted that there was chairs.

I was easily 19 years old. I went and saw Taj Mahal. Are you familiar with Taj Mahal? I'm a very old person. What is Taj Mahal? Where did you see him? The Fillmore West? The guy's like a jug band.

It's like, I mean, literally, it's kind of, I don't even know what you'd call it, but I do love his music. It's kind of Cajun-y. Yeah, roots blues. Yeah, bluesy. Yeah. And it was lovely. And there was seating. And I was easily the youngest person there.

But I had been dragged there by a friend of mine who loved, like, Harry Chapin. And, I mean, this is in the 80s. He was dead by then. I saw it was in Berkeley at the Greek. The Pretenders and Bow Wow Wow opened for them. Didn't you just go and see Chrissy Hynde? Yeah. Those are the only two concerts I've seen, and they're 35 years apart.

She's good. Let me see. Sure, yeah. Oh, the point I was going to make about driving by Green Day and noticing the young people, I think that maybe some of the alterna rock bands of our youth have done a good job of just adjusting a little bit to whatever a shitty teen is into. And I think that, yeah, and I think that like they know how to, you know, Weezer, maybe they'll add a little bit of drum machine type stuff so a teen can be into it. bit of drum machine type stuff so a teen can be into it. And Weezer or Greendale, they'll do a little more eyeliner so that a modern teen can conceivably be into it.

I think they're just adjusting their thermostats, their rock thermostats slightly. There's nothing super different in music that I can tell, but I also don't listen to a lot of dance music, which I think is where a lot of innovation is happening. Perhaps. That is what I've been told. You look relieved that you said that sentence. I said it and it's okay, right? I listen to a lot of dance music, which I think is where a lot of innovation is happening. Perhaps. That is what I've been told. You look relieved that you said that sentence. I said it and it's okay, right? But really it's hard to say.

Right. We should explain for our audience at home who can't see Jackie. She read that sentence off a three-by-five card. I actually have a teleprompter. A person is also in this tiny box. But it's only for music conversations. Otherwise, you're off the cuff. It's a great

drinking game is whenever bands do come up because I don't know who anyone is. I think that might be because, and I'm an old person, so I'm just floating a theory here. I don't have a 3x5 card to keep me safe, but I think that might be because if you're a young white

guy who wants to get into the music game these days, you get a bunch of face tattoos and become the kind of rapper I don't understand what's good about. Sure, sure. Adam Levine-ish, you mean? He doesn't have a face tattoo. Yeah, I think you get the Adam Levine tattoos. Right. Although apply some to the face.

Right. And then you abuse prescription cold medicine. Yeah, and Xanax. And Xanax. Wait, who is this we're talking about? These are America's top contemporary rappers are these white guys with face tattoos. Who are they, though? Who do a lot of Xanax.

Who? Write down their names. Like a Post Malone. Welcome to the secular. Xanax. Who? Write down their names. Like a Post Malone. Macklemore? Post Malone is like the

light R&B version of this, but he does travel in hip hop circles. I guess Bossip really destroyed him with a headline tonight. Oh, wow, yeah. I think they called him a human poot machine. But I saw that being passed that passed around. He does look a little bit like half man, half like discarded brown paper lunch bag.

Laurie, you have a you have a 12 year old. I do. Coming up on teen hood. Sure. What what is what is that particular teen like music-wise? You know, I guess he likes electronic music that is tied to video games that he likes to watch. So he's not listening to music music. Like he'll put on stuff that is Fortnite adjacent on YouTube and listen to it but watch the video. His music listening experience is, I mean, kids, it's just not like ours growing up with this radio or anything like that. They watch videos. They watch

music. You should introduce him to that last song in the video game Portal that Jonathan Colton does. Then that might get him into some more music. Is this some joke I don't understand? I think it's a legitimate joke. It's hard to tell with this one. She's always trying to trick me into doing something terrible.

You're making fun of me! I'd like to trick you into actually expanding the video game musical knowledge. You know who else does that? I think it's Brent Weinbach, who has an 8-bit music podcast. The genuinely brilliant comedian, Mr. Brent One.

Oh, yes. A friend of this program and a friend of the art of comedy. And the people. From what I understand, a very serious podcast about old video games. I've been on it a couple of times. Of course. Have you? Yes.

All that talk. on it a couple of times. Of course. Have you? Yes. Oh, that's awesome. You will not discuss the, you know, theme to Super Mario, which, you know, I'm, you know, despite how many video games you've played, everybody could probably

hum a few notes of that. Yeah, swing your arms from side to side. Yes, that's specifically the Super Mario Brothers Super Show theme. But you will discuss a Mahjong Game Boy game

that was not released in the United States. It is deep cuts. And Brent is also – what's amazing about Brent Weinbach – there are many, many, many amazing things about the great Brent Weinbach. But one of the amazing things about Brent Weinbach is before he was a comic full-time, he was a professional pianist. And he was one of those piano players who plays the piano in Nordstrom's. Oh, cool. A lot of people don't know this. Before that, MMA.

Yeah. At Nordstrom's. At Nordstrom's. Yeah, one of those MMA. With these performance fabrics. The podcast that he does, how many listeners does it have? Good question. Why? I don't know. I podcast that he does, how many listeners does it have? Good question. I don't know.

I said that on purpose. I bet the people who do listen fucking love it. They're intense. I often think, I think back to Jordan and my salad days on the airwaves of KZSC,

the heavyweight 88 in Santa Cruz, California. And I think of our many colleagues at that station, from old hippies that lived in the woods to dogs wearing bandanas to fellow lonely teens. And I often think of this guy who hosted an all soundtrack music show. So like one of the things about a college radio station, at least our college, some have like formats like commercial radio stations do. But many, it's like we want to have as much diversity as possible. So you have to really pick a lane to get a show. And I think he was not the kind of guy who had picked this lane in order to get a show. And I think he was not the kind of guy who had picked this lane in order to get a show. I

think he was really passionate about movie music. And his show was called Fistful of Soundtracks. His name was Jimmy. And every five years or so, and I just did this this past week, I'll Google Fistful of Soundtracks and see if he's still doing it. He's still doing it. He made the transition from college radio to broadcast.com in Web 1.0. Then more recently, he's made the transition to Mixcloud. So if anybody wants to join the 64 people who have listened to some of his mixes of movie soundtrack music on Mixcloud, I recommend it if that's your interest.

Yeah. I mean, Hollywood's dumping out great new tunes every year, aren't they? Sure. Dump them out. Dump them out. Dump out those tunes. Now, that was fun making. He was definitely making fun of something there.

He was. I'm just so grateful that we're focusing on music on this podcast. Yeah. A non-listener of it. So we've been to two concerts. Two live concerts.

I'll say Alexa, play jazz and I'll enjoy what comes up but I'm not like, oh, who is that? I've got to hunt them down. Is that what you tell your Alexa to play? Yeah. Interesting. Do you find it relaxing? Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. My wife, so I've, in my dotage, I have become something of a jazz bow. Jesse, you're like 29

and you act like you're 84. I know. Hug your twilight years. Tell us more. Sure. Are you ready for your mush? Do you want me to get your nurse?

I'm 37 and I act like I'm 92. Sorry. But it makes my wife nervous. I can't listen to it around the house because it's unpredictable. Alexa? No, jazz. Oh, jazz. Oh, right, right, right.

But Alexa will throw you a curveball. That's what Alexa might do. Yeah. I don't like jazz. You know what I like? I like marching band music because it does not... It is always predictable. Yeah.

Yeah. I like big band. I like marching band. You would think I would like jazz, but there's too much bullshit going on. I don't want any part of that. Jackie, why are you doing a Sousa show already? Call Sousa. I don't know if you of it. Jackie, why are you doing a Sousa show already? Call Sousa. I don't know if you've ever listened to The Dark Forest.

But it is possible. A lot of Sousa. There is some marching band. Were either of you musicians in school? Yeah. She was swimming. I was playing a thousand instruments. That doesn't answer his question.

Were you a musician in high school? No, I wasn't a musician in high school. But I wouldn't say I was a swim instruments. That doesn't answer his question. Were you a musician in high school? No, I wasn't a musician in high school. But I wouldn't say I was a swimmer. That doesn't correspond with that question. Oh, no. I think it's mutually exclusive. Enormously mutually exclusive. No.

But I do make my son take piano classes. That's right. And I was going to learn with him, and I did for a little bit. And then I'm like, I'm done. I've learned. I've modeled. I know where the C chord is. I've modeled persistence long enough.

Yes. I am out of here. I have. That's all I had to do. And so, yeah. There is some music in our house. Speaking of high school activities, Lori and I go to the same pool. Yeah.

Yeah. But you don't swim as part of the same program. I'm not on the team. Yeah. But you don't swim as part of the same program. I'm not on the team. Right now I swim between 8 and 9 after I drop my kid off and before I have to be at work. So I try to bang out like 2,800 meters if possible. Sometimes it's 26 if my kid takes too long to leave the house. Lori, would you say that you're a lone wolf? Yes.

You know, wolves, those animals known for their swimming. Okay. Would you say you're a lone wolf? Yes. You know, wolves, those animals known for their swimming. Okay. Would you say you're a lone elephant? Thank you. They're surprisingly good at swimming. But you were telling me you got a mermaid-like apparatus. I had to describe it to you that way because your brain exploded. But it's a monofin.

And it looks like a mermaid tail, kind of. that way because your brain exploded, but it's a monofin. It looks like a mermaid tail, kind of. Use it to dolphin kick underwater. It's a lot of fun. It also kills your lungs and it kills your legs because if you go underwater for 25 meters without taking a breath

and you're using this fin, you're using all your big muscles and your lungs, so it's really good for your body. It's really core too, I would imagine. We had a Judge John Hodgman listener recently whose sister or sister-in-law, maybe it was, was obsessed with something called mermaiding. Is that something that goes on in Furbank? We've talked about this on this show as well. But no.

We've talked about this on this show as well. But no, I think there is a mermaid subculture that is maybe linked to or similar to furries. It's a cosplay kind of thing. Yeah. I would have linked it to rockabilly people. Oh, mermaiding? Oh, interesting. I wonder if that Venn diagram overlaps. I would have thought it would be something for like people with atomic home interiors.

Interesting. Maybe tiki enthusiasts. Palm Springs. Sure, yes. Yeah, yeah. I guess I thought it was maybe a little closer to Comic-Con than that. I mean, not that there's no overlap there as well. Well, there's a big tiki Comic-Con overlap, I think.

Yeah, I think you're right. But, yeah, I was thinking it was a little closer to Ren Faire than it was to that. Jackie, you host the Dork Forest. Yes. How many mermaid dorks have been on your show? I've had some maritime dorks on. Really? Some good work.

A woman went and she saw Pirates of the Caribbean and she went on to get her PhD in maritime history because of Pirates of the Caribbean. Wow. I almost fell in love during that hour. I was like, you are the greatest human being I've ever met in my life. Not, for example, Master and Commander, a movie that is actually pretty good. Pirates of the Caribbean, the first one. With Johnny Depp? Yes.

The first one. Better the first one than like the third one. True, but I think she's seen them all. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest or whatever, and they were like. Wow, the fact that you know the name of it. I only saw the first one. But when she told me that, I was like, what's happening? But that is the definition of the dork forest.

Someone tells me whatever they like, and then I say the words, what's happening with your life? Because it is an amazing, like I just talked to this woman who her whole family has those metal detector things to find treasure. And she's, yeah. Have they found anything surprising? They got it because her husband's grandmother buried all of the silver and gold all over her yard. Oh, wow. grandmother buried all of the silver and gold all over her yard. Oh, wow. And when she died and she walled bars of silver and gold into the walls. Did they live in Nazi Germany?

They lived in Denver or Idaho or some dam. I mean, like some sort of rural. Denver makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Someone was telling me that Denver is the perfect destination for white flight. Did you guys hear about this? No.

I hear it's where you go to the airport when the shit goes down. Didn't the Illuminati build a bunker underneath the Denver airport? Oh, that's correct. According to people who talk about that. You guys should be, instead of aligned with Delta, aligned with United because Delta, that's their hub. Oh, I have no airport allegiance. Oh, okay. No, an airline allegiance.

Yeah, you guys are doomed if you're Deltas. I like to fly JetBlue when I can. Are you pandering? Because that's her favorite. Laurie Kilmartin's favorite airline is JetBlue. Burbank to JFK? Oh, all JetBlue. Burbank to JFK. Oh, all the way. Burbank to JFK all night, all day.

Friday night, come back on Sunday afternoon. You were in New York for a fucking day and a half. I went to New York, Jordan, on a bargain carrier that still has enough leg room for me. That sounds amazing. Yes, it is amazing. I didn't have to go to LAX. Jordan, you're very nice. No, I'm asleep over here.

What's happening? Sorry we're not talking about maritime history. That's when she came alive. Let me ask you this. Do they still have those blue chips? Yes. Oh, yeah. But I'm all in on Cheez-Its.

Okay. Yeah. There's a choice. It's Cheez-Its, blue chips, or maybe some sort of cookie. Here's the thing about JetBlue, Jordan. You can take whatever you want and as many of them as you want. Yeah. They won't even, like you think, your seat mates might give you the look.

You will deserve the look. But if you want to take a couple of those nut-free chocolate chip cookies. You want to take some blue chips. Oh, is there a basket? Is it a basket that comes with it? Oh, there's a whole basket. You can take anything out of there you want. And then you can walk back and get it too. They used to say take anything you want.

They don't say it anymore, but they still totally 100% let you. I think that would make me feel too powerful, and I don't like the thought of that. It's an incredible feeling. I don't like to feel insignificant. and I don't like the thought of that. It's an incredible feeling. I don't like to feel insignificant. It's what I think about if I'm having a hard time engaging in Congress.

Oh, sure. I think about how powerful I feel when I can pick any snacks. Today on Delta, there were peppermint bark Oreo cookies. Wow, that sounds great. That's right. That's the correct response.

This silence is not acceptable over here from Laurie Kim. Laurie, you weren't excited enough about the peppermint bark Oreos. I brought them back to her from first class from Boston just two weeks ago. See, now it's starting to sound mean. It was mean. We were both on the same flight from Boston to LAX and she got bumped up to first class. And so she was, first of all, she boarded an hour before I did and brought all of her carry-ons and they threw them all over the place. The night before, you can board the plane the night before and sleep on it.

Actually, you're carried there on the backs of elephants. Right. They served her breakfast. Beautiful elephants. And then she went, she just, there was a guard and I tried to peek in and take her picture and a guy, a flight attendant stood in my way

and wouldn't even let me take her picture even though I knew you, which you denied to also to the pilot. I am being vilified any number of ways. Well, I don't think there is another situation in which it's possible to interpret the act of bringing someone cookies as cruelty or mockery. Yeah. Other than this, in which case I would consider that interpretation perfectly reasonable.

Thank you. Well, I seem to be – all I'm saying is you didn't want free cookies. That's what I'm hearing. I didn't want free cookies. That's what I'm hearing. I didn't want them. Now I ate them. Yeah. I didn't like them. And who was the one who told you to make sure to get an exit row?

That was me. Because you were trapped on your half-rate JetBlue business that got canceled across the board. And then you go to a real airline like Delta. And then you get to fly home. How long is this podcast? Oh, it's been over for 10 minutes. What's this one run? Yeah.

What does this run? I think we might have accidentally canceled Max Fun's newest show, the Jackie and Laurie show. I thought Amy Mann was the newest show. Don't cancel that. Oh, that's true. Amy Mann and Ted Leo, Teddy Rockstar. Wow. Where were you flying from?

Today? Yes. Denver. Oh, right. Right. I was at Denver. I was in the Comedy Works in Denver. And to hear about their famous white flight.

Well, it was interesting. I was in their southern club in the south side of town. It's over by Richie Rich and his pickup trucks. Who's that? Wait. I don't know who that is. I also didn't understand that. No, it's just there's a book.

Richie Rich is a comic strip character from the 1930s. Really? Yeah, and he had a white pickup truck in my mind. Anyway, but everyone drives Subarus. They were the nicest people in the world. But genuinely, there were probably 2,400 people that I performed for this week and a dozen of them were any sort of thing that wasn't super white. Well, it's a city and more broadly a state of craft brewers. They were the nicest people in the world.

And I, of course, felt comfortable because I don't know if you can tell from my voice, but this is a middle-aged white lady. Really? You know, Portland is sort of like that where it's very progressive. And I think Denver is as well. True. But there's hardly any non-white people there. So it's like white people who are advocating for people they've never met. They're excited about

diversity in theory. Yeah, but they won't move to it. Oh, but there's that one Airstream trailer that has Thai food that everyone is very excited about. Very excited. Nice Nordstrom downtown. Oh yeah, in Portland?

Yes. Jackie, what's the weirdest dorkdom you've ever had on Nice Nordstrom downtown Oh yeah in Portland Yes Nice Nordstrom That's lovely Jackie what's the weirdest dorkdom you've ever had on Dork Forest If Maybe it is the maritime enthusiast who went all in after Pirates of the Caribbean There's so many that are nuts There was the woman who loved Ween The band Ween

Oh that's the only thing I've seen at the Greek theater in Berkeley You saw the band Ween? Yeah I had never heard of the band I just like to say the word Ween Boy it's fun to say Ween. Oh, that's the only thing I've seen at the Greek theater in Berkeley. You saw the band Ween? Yeah. I had never heard of the band. I just like to say the word Ween. Boy, it's fun to say Ween. Quick question. Has anybody ever done the electro rap group Houdini?

Because that's the only thing I've ever seen at the Greek theater in Berkeley. Oh, my God. This is fun. Lorraine Newman did electric dance music. That was kind of weird because you wouldn't have thought she liked EDM, but she was talking about how great it is to be at her age. She said there's always a nice young man who gets her a chair.

When she goes to a rave? When she goes to a rave. And she goes every year. She goes to Coachella. Really? Yeah, she goes to some EDM thing every year. The music ones are kind of the most interesting ones because I don't know anything about music. Marcella Arguello was on talking about Kanye West and I was like, so who is he again?

Does he have some sort of online presence? This was six months ago. So it was before he went completely bananas, I guess. But I don't know anything about him. Anyway, he seems like he's gone bananas yeah but the music ones are fascinating the the ones about um there's there's a lot of board game ones there's a lot of video game ones there's a lot of uh i don't know it can be anything like the two i just did were were star trek ones battlestar galactica uh the the the uh uh bats the the flappy kind.

The animals? The animal bats. I did Emma Arnold. I'm such a nerd for bats. It almost sounds like a CBS show, B-A-T-S, you know, capital acronym. Right. It's for Bay Area Theater. It could be bees.

Oh, very nice. Wow. Can you do that with any acronyms? Only if there really is that thing. Oh, okay.. Wow. Can you do that with any acronyms? Only if there really is that thing. Oh, okay. Dang it. Yeah. That's a great improv skill.

The CBS show Bats. You've never met anyone who's watched it, but every week, five million people. And Tom Selleck is in it, maybe? Oh, that's what he's doing. That's what he's doing. It's like JAG. Remember JAG was on for a thousand years? Isn't it still on?

No, NCIS is on. Okay. It's the same thing. Is NCIS a spinoff of JAG? It is, actually. Oh, my God. But there's three of them, right? Right.

There's a couple other NCISs that came out of the original NCIS, which came out of JAG. And Suits is a spinoff of JIC, which is a spinoff of Fort, which is a spinoff of Tubed. Guys, what would it be like? Hear me out. Okay. If we were capable of making- Wait, who are we? Bay Area Theater Sports?

Are we supposed- Okay. What would it be like if we were capable of making entertainment that others enjoyed? Oh. Like large groups of others. Who would that be? Like the kind of things that regular people like. You know, Tina Fey once said,

she said that she was very psyched that people liked 30 Rock and that she was psyched that it was this indie hit. But she said, genuinely, we were trying to make friends. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I mean, I guess probably what we are doing is closer to Brent Weintraub's video game music podcast.

Honestly. You know, happy to be here. Happy to be here. Goofing around for you 12 or 13 people. I'm sure he's got a solid core of just giant fans that just follow him everywhere. Yeah.

Yeah, it is funny to think about 30 Rock being mainstream when, like, that last season had, like, Jenna marrying a sheep. I love – they did a joke about Barham Road. Like, whoa! I love it. Yes. Thank you. But I'm worried that the rest of the country will get that one. They will not.

Yeah. I mean, I think that 30 Rock did have some stuff. And I think that's what when I talk to people who don't like 30 Rock, after I get done being a dick and yelling at them. Wow. You know, kind of what I hear is that, you know, people didn't like it because it seemed so inside baseball. It seemed like it was just show business people patting themselves on the back for. But people liked Arliss. Yeah. I demand names.

I don't know a single person. Who liked Arliss? Show me. Jose Canseco. Sure. The man who played Arliss. Sean Arliss. Right. Yeah, no, I'll get you that on Monday. In a 1,200-word essay.

Robert Wool, the man who did play Arliss, was tweeting to Arliss fans like, thank you, we're back. And it wasn't because they rebooted it, just because they dumped them all on HBO Go. I watched, I'm going to say, Bull Durham not that long ago. I think it was a baseball movie. I think it was Bull Durham and Robert Wohl, a.k.a. Arliss, was in it. Yeah. And he was great in it. And I was like, I could see the magic that led them to create Arliss.

Sure, yeah, like a whole show about this. Yes. I always felt Arliss came out of that Jay Moore, Show Me the Money movie. Oh, I think it was before that movie. Oh, was it? Yeah, I think so. Jerry Maguire? Jerry Maguire.

You think that's a Jay? I regard that as a Jay Moore vehicle. I completely regard that as a Jay Moore vehicle. You don't think that that changed his life? Who else was in that? You know that little kid, Jonathan? Oh, yeah, right. It's a Jonathan vehicle.

It's a Jonathan Mickey slash Jay Moore vehicle. Yeah. That actually came out with the credit, a Jay Moore joint. Right. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Spike Lee was okay with it. I'm going to say that it changed Jay Moore's life.

It probably did. So that's why I didn't. I didn't. It was Squinty Magoo was in that one. The one who plays Ellen Birkin, but younger. Yes. Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

She was in the Texas movie, and then she played. Renee Zellweger. That's it. Zellweger. Bridget, yeah, Diaries. I was really enjoying the, like, you guys talking it through like you were Ron who wants to be a millionaire. And it started, of course, with Squinty Magoo, which was the best clue of them all. How many Squinty Magoo lady actresses are there?

There's just Ellen Barkin and Zellweger. Sure. They're the squintiest. They are the squintiest of all the squints. Okay. We've got to take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. We have supporters on this program, Jordan. Of course, there are the thousands of MaximumFun.org members who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and support the show with a few bucks every month. And maybe they support the Jackie and Laurie show, too, at MaximumFun.org slash donate. I'd do that if I were them. No.

But you're you, so you have it. God, fuck, I'm me. Shit. Fuck, I'm me. Shit. Fuck, I'm me. Oh, they won't let me have credit cards. What are you, a woman in 1972? Yeah. Well, by the way, MaximumFun.org slash donate, we do accept Diners Club.

We're also supported this week by our friends at The Crute. Now, Jordan, let me tell you something about ZipRecruiter. Yes. I don't know if you know this about me. I'm a small businessman. Yeah. To be fair, more specifically, I'm a large small businessman. My business is small.

I go about 215 these days. I've gained a little weight. A buck and a quarter. Yeah. Two bucks and a quarter. Deuce and a quarter. Six three, almost six four. I'm a hefty guy. I'm going to be frank with you, Jordan.

I'm a hefty guy. What were we talking about? We were talking about the Crute Baby. The Crute Baby. Zip Recruiter. They have not asked us to shorten their name. We're doing it. As you know, I'm a small business person, and one of the hardest things about running a small business is hiring. Because you might end up with a dodo. Man.

You know what I'm talking about? And then you can't fire them because they're endangered. I know. Plus, people get attached to his loud laughs. I think we're talking about different things. I'm talking about an endangered bird. You're talking about Brian. Anyway, but if you need to hire somebody,

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ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. Ladies and gentlemen, no baseball caps, no jerseys, no sneakers. This is an exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Green Chef. Who can it Green Chef?

Their theme song that they have not asked us to write. It's the men at work classic. Who can it be now? Who can it green, chef? Oh, my God. Produce from a land down under. That's another Men at Work song. Are they still a sponsor after that? No, they pulled out.

And actually, I owe them money. And I have to cut Men at Work a check, too, weirdly. Also, to be fair, I think mine is not a Minute Work song. I think it was just a radio jingle for Outback Steakhouse. Hey, you know what? Green Chef is a USD-certified organic company that includes everything you need to easily cook delicious meals that you can feel good about. delicious meals that you can feel good about. They've got plans including paleo, vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, Mediterranean, heart smart, lean and clean, keto or keto.

I don't know how to say it. It's actually what's great about it is Kato Kaelin designed the keto plan. Oh, boy. It's like GIF and JIF, guys. Yeah. Kato, keto, let's call the whole thing off. They both have a lot of peanut butter. Gluten-free and omnivore. Hey, I cooked with Green Chef this week, and I thought the food was very delicious.

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That's a lot of bucks. Oh, boy. That's their basketball team? Yeah. Cool. Greenchef.us. Slash JJ Go. Greenchef.us. Slash JJ Greenchef.us slash JJ Go.

50 bucks off your first Green Chef. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Jackie Kayshun. No, wait. Wait a minute.

Yes, I am. Wait a minute. I'm Laurie Kilmartin, human fish. Wow. Is that something? Yes. You guys said boy detective, and you had these things all locked and loaded. We had to come up with something on the fly. And I didn't.

I just took your name. That's entirely what you did. I like your nickname being someone else's name. My name is Rosemary Clooney. I'm Rose Kennedy. Classic songstress, Rosemary Clooney. My child was given a lobotomy by my husband. That's the dork forest that Laurie Kilmartin did.

I was just thinking about that today. I'm like, can you fucking imagine that she worked with Rosemary so hard just to acclimate her. Rosemary may have been autistic. They can't really tell right now, but they have all these theories. But she had a hard time fitting in, and Rose worked so hard with her. And then Joe, around Rose's back, got Rosemary a lobotomy, and then she was just a vegetable practically after that. In the 50s, right? Sorry, it didn't work.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it seems like they were pretty loosey-goose with those lobotomies back then. They'd just subscribe one if you were kind of sweaty. Yeah. If you were trouble. They'd lift your arm, take a whiff. Yeah.

Let's put a hole in that brain. If you weren't a good child like Ted, like your son Ted, who lets people drown. I don't know. Sorry, I went off. The Kennedy's definitely the Laurie Kilmartin dork. Thinking of Rose Kennedy today and then you bringing up the dork brought it all back to me. My new nickname is going to be Neil Pert. Oh, really?

Yeah. Because you're well-respected among middle-aged and older men? Uh-huh. Cool. Yeah. It's not after your favorite shampoo? It is now. My new nickname is Neil Pert Plus. Yeah. It's not after your favorite shampoo? It is now. My new nickname is Neil Peart Plus.

Wow, always upping it. I'm Johnny Suave. I'm LA Looks. Well, yeah, I'm Johnny Rite Aid compared to Suave, I guess. I haven't had a good year. Been a bad year. Something momentous happens to you, you finally nailed that L.A. look, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN

or hit us with a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org for our beloved segment, Momentous Occasions. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. I have a momentous occasion. So the other day I was decluttering

and I threw out like this old box that had a bunch of yarn in it. And when the trash man came, I went out to go pull the trash cans back in. And there was this string of teal colored yarn that just went off way down the street. Apparently, like one end of the yarn had caught on the trash can, and then as the garbage truck drove away, it just kind of, like, unfolded and, like, followed the garbage truck, and it went all the way down the street to the corner, and then it made a right, and then it kept following it,

and it went, like, two-thirds of the way down the next block until like it finally stopped and I stood there staring at it like this is not this is not my screw-up but like if it wasn't my responsibility whose responsibility was it so I had to pick up the yarn and uh spool it up and collect it for the whole block and a half all the way back to my house. Anyway, thanks, guys. And that man's name was Hansel and Gretel. I think all of our calls this week, we have some kind of a theme we didn't mention at the top. It's people who are having their minds blown while they're on shrooms.

I felt like that was very Billy Family Circus kind of situation. Oh, yeah. Or like Labyrinth with the Minotaur. Sure. I'm just going to try to find my way to the garbage truck. I thought she had left something in the box. She also seemed

trapped halfway between, in a kind of liminal place, between the purest joy and the purest sadness. Right, like someone had told her that she should declutter, and yarn had to go. And you're like, you could donate yarn. You don't have to throw yarn out.

Somebody wants yarn. Give it to a bored cat. It's like she was fishing and she found the same... She caught the same fish that she once caught with her father who's gone now or something. And she recognized it. I started daydreaming

during that story. Did you weed off? Did you weed off a little bit? I did. What are you daydreaming about? What are you going to have for lunch tomorrow? I was thinking again about Rose Kennedy. Oh, okay. I'm just saying. All of my daydreams

are future meals. I'm other people's trauma that I have no relation to. What do you guys like to drift off about? Oh, snow drifts. Okay. Pet monkeys.

Oh, man. That would be great. I would want a pet monkey. Except for the fact that they're supposed to be mean and I don't really. When they make the turn. I'm on the road too much to have a pet. She used to have a dragon. Well, an iguana.

Tiberius Dracus. Named after Tiberius Gracus, who was a Roman emperor. Anyway. Jackie, they knew that. They knew that. Dracula-y? No, Dracus as in a dragon. It was more because he was an iguana.

His name was a pun. And there was some wordplay. I didn't name him. My husband named him, and he loves wordplay. So it was three and a half foot long iguana and 23 years old, but finally passed away. Oh, R.I.P. R.I.P. But he let it seem like he led a long life.

He was lucky to have such a great owner. He was psyched. He was living a good life. On the plus side, probably tough to build a deep emotional relationship with. You know, I miss him more than I thought because he was an iguana. I mean, you're like tiny lizard. He wasn't that bright. He would occasionally get male rage.

And he'd be wandering. I'd work in the garden, sure. I know that. Did you let him out of the cage? Yeah, yeah. Every day. Yeah, or every day, you know, if we could. And like when I would garden, he would sometimes, if he was having a bad day, charge very, very slowly at you.

And the thing about an iguana charging at you, they're not fast animals. Even I can dodge. They don't have horns or anything. Well, or teeth. He has a row of cartilage. So what they do is they bite you and then they turn their head really fast and then they rip a giant. That doesn't sound fun. No, no.

That's how they eat because he's vegetarian, right? They mostly eat a calcium-rich diet of leafy greens and some bananas and mangoes. Anyway, so – Everybody loves mangoes. Not me, but I like a banana. So you give him Atahualpa mangoes? That's the good one. As many people as watched Arliss.

Yeah. Jeremy Piven and his mom. It's more like a dream on level. Sure. And anyway, so he was a delight, but he wasn't very bright. So when he would charge at me, I remember I would just put the shovel in front of my foot. And literally he would get to the shovel and go, well, thank God she's gone. I did it.

Yes, exactly. I've secured my territory. Exactly. Time to eat a grape. Let's take another call. I bet he did like grapes. I'm a Jesse guest. This is Dave, normally from Indiana, but today I'm from Cleveland, California.

And I just watched an avalanche fall into a lake at the top of the mountain. It's a beautiful place on Earth. Wish you were here. I'll throw some pictures on Reddit when I get home. Love you. Bye-bye. Love you too, Dave. Again, everybody this week is having their mind blown while on mushrooms.

I just wanted to remind you of my theme. He would risk triggering another avalanche by calling you guys. Oh, yeah. Because he knows what's important. It was windy. It was. Everyone knows that, though. It's an example of someone with their priorities in the right place. Calling Jordan Disko. Sorry, small village.

I had to call a podcast. I had to entertain dozens. I have to call 911 next. Right. I have two calls to make. Yeah, that's sounds like quite an adventure. I didn't know we had so many adventurers in the audience. I don't think we do. I think it's

just the one guy. So far, there's just that guy. Yeah. The other lady was following yarn. Remember? That's a kind of adventure. I'm not saying she wasn't. She was willing to. I mean, she was out there, obviously. That's true. Yeah. a kind of adventure. I'm not saying she wasn't, she wasn't willing to, I mean, she was out there, obviously.

That's true. Yeah. Or, I mean, this guy, again, this guy could have just been doing shrooms

and watching Planet Earth on BBC America. Which doesn't sound too bad. Or one of those Northern set Werner Herzog movies. Sure, yeah.

You know, where the snow is always going to kill everyone. All, all, all great for when on shrooms. Yeah. I mean, where the snow is always going to kill everyone. All great for when on shrooms. Yeah. I mean, I think this is a nice example of the age-old struggle.

I don't know if you've read The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Jordan. No. Or watched the Bill Moyers specials on PBS. But this is just another example of man's struggle against nature. is just another example of man's struggle against nature. It's a man facing down an avalanche and dominating it by taking out his cell phone and calling 206-984-4-5. I wonder how big that avalanche was. We think of something coming down from the Alps, but it could have just been snow falling off a roof. That's true.

I wonder what kind of phone he had. Was it a 7? What are we looking at? Yeah, that's another good question. Maybe satellite? That's a tech question. Satellite phone? Sure.

Maybe he had a two-hander like the old days, and then a pack where he had to crank it. Oh, crank it like a World War II movie. Right, like he was Radar in the TV show M.A.S.H.? Yeah, sure. I have other references from the 70s. TV show M.A.S.H.? Yeah, sure. I have other references from the 70s. Come on along. Like what, for instance? Let's talk BJ and the Bear.

Anybody want to talk about Barney Miller? Anyone? Me. I think that it's almost certain that he at least had one of those ones that looks kind of like a small suitcase. Oh, yeah. Maybe. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Shoulder strap. Jackie, did you get your iguana when it was

a baby? Andy got the iguana when it was a baby because he worked at Sony PlayStation. And, um... So it's Dex? Gax? So, uh, Guy Gax? I know what you're talking about. You're talking about Gax, the video game character voiced by Dana Gould. Thank you.

Yes. Oh, I thought you were talking about Gary Gygax, the guy who created Dungeons & Dragons. Yeah. Anyway. Either way. Either way, Lori's upset. No, you guys know each other too well, and you need to be separated. Sure.

Yeah. By a shovel. Someone needs to put a shovel down between us. Like, oh, yeah, he's gone. Time to eat a grape. And then I will. So somebody in his office impulse bought three baby iguanas. Impulse bought?

Like they were at the Rite Aid at the counter? Yeah. Some damn thing. I don't know how he got three. What kind of office was this? They were puppies. They were essentially iguana puppies. And it was just, you know, he's a game designer. essentially iguana puppies and it was just – he's a game designer.

Well, he's just a game designer. So one of the other nerds bought three iguanas and then was like, wait, they grow to be three and a half feet long. Does anybody want an iguana? So he took an iguana. Another guy took an iguana. The original guy kept an iguana. And those two guys killed their iguanas in the first year. How? Because iguanas are actually fiddly.

No. For food. They are supposed to be very tasty. Oh, man, I can't make it to the market. I'm going to kill and eat this iguana. You know, they do in Costa Rica. They eat iguana. And, yeah, the guy that cuts our lawn was like, those are good eating.

And I said, please do not kill Tiberius. But after he died. Nobody wants old iguana. That would be weird. A 23-year-old iguana. Maybe your gardener knows how to cook it. It's too stringy. It's not subtle like a fresh young iguana.

You want a young iguana if you're going to be eating iguana. A Kobe iguana. A Kobe iguana. Give them milk every night. Yeah. Veal-prepared iguana if you're going to be eating iguana. A Kobe iguana. Give them milk every night. Veal-prepared iguana. In Cambodia, they had silkworm larvae

and snake and rats. But the whole rat, I mean, if they had made a rat taco, I would have eaten a rat taco. You're not crazy. Look at this eyeball. She's not unreasonable, Lori. But I don't want to eat. Oh, my God.

But it was a rat on a stick, like eyeballs and tail. Oh, my God. I was like, I'm not eating that. I don't want. This makes me only want to visit France. I just want croissants for breakfast for the rest of my life. Right. It wasn't breakfast food.

The breakfast food was clearly soup. Soup from a plastic bag they hand you. Come on, get your head on straight. Lori Petz? That sounds like that's my name. Lori Petz, yeah. No, but I'm in a situation where the lady, my babysitter, who's been with us for seven years, is leaving. And she was allergic to cats, so that's why I never got a cat.

So I feel like now we can get a cat. Nice. Because my kid wants a dog. Okay. I think the cat's the best I can do. You want to teach him that relationships are relatively unrewarding. I just don't see him walking a dog, even though he swears he would, because I can't. I have to like I have to I have to drag him and poke him in the morning to just get out of bed.

No, that is a lie. Teens have been telling for that. They'll walk the dog centuries. If we get a dog, I'll walk it. Right. That has never been true. Right. And I'm also trying to get an animal that my mother can trip over and

finally have a head injury that will kill her. And a dog is so obvious. But I think a cat can do the same thing without my age. The other thing that could happen would be your mom would become more human. Maybe the cat will make her more human. That's possible. Unlikely. You're right.

But I'm saying is it could happen. It's possible. Gloria, have you thought about a pet banana peel? That's a good idea. That's three points. It's always funny when it happens to somebody else. Sure, yeah. A single roller skate that just lives on a stair.

Stairs. A second story. That the los angeles dream get that second story yes that'll do it okay we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Greetings. I am Plek Dexsetter, contacting you from the Zik Squadron, which is, frankly, sort of crappy, but I'm here on a heroic mission with my trusty crew, C-53. Heroic feels like an exaggeration on our part. Sure. And Security Officer Dar.

Plek, don't put me in your stupid recording. And we're all traveling aboard our trusty starship, the Bargerian Jade. Bargy. What? Sorry. I'm awake. I'm awake. I was just flying while asleep. Hey there, this is Alden Ford. I play Plek. And we are so excited to announce that our podcast, Mission to Zix, is now part of the Maximum Fun Network. Our third season launches on MaxFun on March 20th. Binge seasons one and two right now.

That's Mission to Zyx, Z-Y-X-X. Hello, I'm Oliver Wong, scholar, journalist, and DJ. And I'm Morgan Rhodes. I'm a music supervisor. We host Heat Rocks, a podcast where we invite our favorite musicians, writers, and scholars to talk about the albums that have changed their lives. Join us as we discover forgotten classics. I think that Boots Riley is one of, if not the most underrated MCs in the history of hip hop. Reminisce about our faves. one of, if not the most underrated MCs in the history of hip-hop. Reminisce about our faves.

I was always feeling like a little bit of a tourist when I would listen to Big Daddy Kane. And suddenly when De La Soul came out, it was like, hey, you can dance and be goofy and have fun and love hip-hop, and you don't have to pretend to be anybody but yourself. And of course, talk nonstop about his purple majesty, Prince. Having your idol listen to your music, it's life-changing. It's the thing you want from your parents, so to speak, or that you didn't have. Heat Rocks, every Thursday here on Maximum Fun.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Laurie Kim Martin. Anything? Oh, come on. Tired. Tired. You know what? I feel the same way. Laurie Kim Martin, tie-tie. And I'm Jackie Cation. I'm alive with the power of something. There you go.

Cool. Power of now. The power of now, you guys. Oh, wow. What? I never read that book. Was that Anthony Robbins? Could have been.

No, or was that a preacher? Eckhart Tolle? Yes. Oh, that guy. I think I listened to it. Was that Anthony Robbins? Could have been. No, or was that a preacher? Eckhart Tolle? Yes. Oh, that guy. I think I listened to it. Is that a candy bar? Eckhart Tolle? Yeah.

I want that to be a candy bar. That's a Swiss candy bar. You get them at the mini bar and they're always super expensive. You never know how much they're going to cost. Wait, why am I spending like $8 for an Eckhart Tolle? Hazelnuts. Hazelnuts. Hazelnuts.

Hazelnuts and marzipan. I got into the Anthony Robbins for a little while I got the cassette tapes what is he saying on them? just a lot of nothing I remember now it's a lot of horse shit

and a lot of stories about his own weight law I love it when people do one thing and then they think oh I found the secret that will work for everybody else. And then they make an empire out of it. But I mean he has astonishing certitude about – I've only ever seen him in TV clips or whatever. in literally anything as much as that guy believes in like what he chose

out of a snack vending machine then I would be the king of America he produced a documentary about himself which I think you know it's quite flattering there's this amazing moment where he goes into the crowd and has like

real moments with them and his wife, third wife i think works uh the soundboard behind him like at the in these giant venues where that people have paid thousands of dollars to spend the weekend with them and somebody will tell him an emotional story of how he helped them and she starts playing music in the background that starts to sweep up as the person gets to the crescendo of their story. It's so manipulative. Yeah.

It's fascinating. I think that people would doubt his authenticity if that was. Nope. He makes music happen. Okay. But what? How did it affect you? I'm the only one hearing this.

How did it affect you? I mean, you described it really working on you. No, I bought into the commercial. Okay. And I hoped that – It would change your life. But the cassettes never had – No.

No. No. They didn't. I mean, I have a mega memory, so that worked for me. What? You don't remember mega memory? No. I know.

Cassettes you could buy on television. Oh, my God. To help your memory? I thought you just launched into this horrible brag. I'm like, well, congratulations, Jack. Well, I have 20-20 vision. I don't know. I have really good hearing, you guys.

Really cool. I have a good sense of sarcasm. Jackie, I think it's cool. I think it's so cool. It's, uh, what about Kyle? I'm sorry, what was that? Jackie, don't. Jesse's hearing is terrible. Just don't mention it.

Is there a babbling brook in our studio? Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. His doctor accidentally called me. He has two days to live. It gets mixed up because our names both start with J. So the doctor called me and he's going to die in two days.

So thanks, guys. That riff went dark. Yeah. It went super dark. It's almost a Rose Kennedy dark. What just happened? Mega memory was who? Kevin Trudeau. Okay? Kevin Trudeau.

Okay. Kevin Trudeau's Mega Memory. I think he also- Did he write Bloomsbury? No. Yes. Gary- I know.

He did. That's why the whole time- He's also the Prime Minister of Canada. The whole time I was listening to Mega Memory, I was thinking, I know this is supposed to be funny, but I don't understand what about it. George W. Bush is a hat, I guess. Yeah, why is this asterisk talking?

Do you know he's married to Jane Polly? Gary Trudeau? Yeah. That's fun. The former host of the Today Show before Katie Couric ousted her. I bet they're a fun couple. Yeah, maybe. They might be. I'd like to go over there for a drink. Sure. Yeah. Get over there. I'd like to go over there for a drink. Sure. Yeah.

Get over there. It's just a hat. He's a hat. It's Jane Polly in a hat. Yeah. That was so long ago. Remember? That was a scandal. And then Deborah Norr something.

Remember? She came in. She ousted Jane Polly. Is this the other thing that is going on inside your head besides the Kennedy? There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. It's just a parade of younger and younger blonde women who get to then be talking heads on television. Yeah, and now Katie Cork's like 70.

Right. She's like, how long have we been alive, Jackie? Lo, these many years. How long have we been alive, Jackie? Lo, these many years. I watched the Today Show recently while waiting for my tires to be changed, and I had not seen it in quite a long time. And I had just forgotten how – what a fucking tsunami morning television is. Like there is no – you just get locked in and you're like, oh, they're talking about a new thing. Yeah.

Wake up. Wake up. We're going to make something on an electric stove. Sure. Get over here. Now we're going to go look at a map with wind. Sanctions against North Korea and now a baby fashion show. What?

How do I? And it's the same anchor. Yeah. I know. Doing the same thing. How do they switch like that? It does wake you up, though. It really does. You know, if you're looking for a nice,

relaxing, informative morning show, might I suggest CBS This Morning? Is that with Robin? Is it Mello? Is it Robin? It is. No, let's see. The hosts are Gayle King. Okay. And Nora O'Donnell. And John Dickerson. And they added a fourth recently. I don't know her name, but

she's been doing some great work. Gayle King, famous tennis player. Really? Really? Oh. Cool. Do you remember the famous tennis player? I believe it.

She's in great shape. Is she? Sit-ups? Gayle King. I don't know what she does. I mean, four seconds ago, I assumed it because she used to be a famous tennis player and maybe still, you know, gets out there occasionally. Kudos to her for really. I mean, she was sort of just Oprah's friend.

That's what I was about to say. Is that Oprah's friend? Yeah. You know, I. And she. What show does Stedman host? I mean, she also had her own. She was also a broadcaster and news person.

And she was Oprah's friend. And she didn't get bogged down in being Oprah's friend. She sort of. Maybe. Yeah. or she parlayed it into something. I think that's a tough thing. I have liked CBS This Morning for a few years now and would jokingly refer to it as, oh, I watched that show with Oprah's friend. And I started to feel so bad about it because she's great on it. Oh, really? And like to just give her that goofy moniker I was feeling bad about.

So I try and let people know that I think Gayle King is great on CBS this morning. Well, I think that that's been revealed. Just, you know. That's so nice of you, Jesse's friend. Yeah, yes. I know, right? Yeah. I'm Jordan Stedman.

I do have a quick update. I Googled it, and Stedman is hosting the syndicated Let's Make a Deal. Making more money than Oprah and Gayle combined. Yeah, probably. Yeah, you got to get one of those. Rolling in. Do either of you two, I know that you both are working stand-up comics who are often on the road. Are either of you guys going to be traveling this great nation, plying your trade anytime soon?

At all times. We're doing – it's Queens, right? That's this week. Will this go out now? Yeah. Before the – because Valentine's Day – Yeah, we'll be at QED in Astoria. Yeah, because Valentine's Day I'm in Milwaukee with Carmen Morales.

And then the next night I'm doing sets around New York City. And then Saturday, QED in Astoria. And then I'm going to be at, is it Laughs in Seattle? Yeah. You're doing Laughs? Yeah, March 22nd and 23rd. Is Jackie your booking agent? She's like, these guys want to book you.

Literally, I've been fielding all weekend. I was at Danford Comedy Works and they're like, why isn't Laurie Kilmartin ever here? And I was like, you realize we're not – I'm not her mother. I'm not her wife. I'm not her agent. Jordan and I have this problem. We relate to this a thousand percent. I will – I help people get in touch with the back of the voice.

Right. And – but it's – yeah, no, that's great. They want you in Denver. Yeah, 22, 23. And – but yeah, so I'm going to be in Milwaukee and then New York and then the Hamptons. I'm doing some PAC in West Hampton. Wow. The last time I did the Hamptons, I tried to do a joke about the Hampton Inn that I was staying at, and they didn't know what that was.

No reason to. Luckily, I'm staying at a Doubletree now. Oh, okay. It's like, ooh, my 7-Eleven chunk isn't going to go great. No reason to. Luckily, I'm staying at a Doubletree now. Oh, okay. It's like, ooh, my 7-Eleven chunk isn't going to go great. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. Lori and Jackie are both on Twitter.

Jackie, you're at Jackie Cation, right? I am at Jackie Cation. Lori, you're not at Lori Coe Martin, though, are you? I'm not. Somebody took it after. I took, I'm any Lori 16. You know who it was, that bitch Lori Kilmartin? Other Lori Kilmartin. There are a couple of us.

Any Lori 16. That's what you're at. Any Lori 16. These are two of the most delightful tweeters. You will hardly find a more delightful Twitter feed to follow. most delightful tweeters. You will hardly find a more delightful Twitter feed to follow.

And it's a great way to see when they're going to be in your town so you can see their hilarious stand-up comedy. Of course, it doesn't matter

where you live. No matter, literally anywhere. Right now in Antarctica, you can listen to the Jackie and Laurie show. Yeah, we're excited to be on MaxFun.

The newest show in the Maximum Fun Empire. Sorry, Mission to Zix. I just pushed you back in time for my friends Jackie and Lori. Yay. You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. I have to say, Jordan, I expected more prank bear art. Yeah.

And I'm still open to it. I just want to say. More prank bear art. Yeah. And I'm still open to it. I just want to say. We did get one nice prank bear meme where he's saying, see you in the spring, assholes, or something like that. Sure, yeah. You guys did a bad job last week with the prank bear memes, but you can make up for it this week.

And then maybe you'll get dessert. I distribute our listeners dessert for them. You can also like us on Facebook and join the Maximum Fun. Home run pies next week. Home run pies.

Face. Ooh. Can I have cherry? No. Custard only. You fuck. We'll talk to you next time on

Jordan Jesse Go. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.