Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 571: Clear Head, Empty Balls, Can't Lose with Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons (Childish Podcast, Fitzdog Radio) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of how Jordan may be in a relationship with his weed store after a special text on Valentine's Day, the sonnet Jesse wrote about this relationship with Theresa in college, and Greg's new parenting podcast with Alison Rosen, Childish. Plus, we ask a VERY important question: do we have more listeners of Jordan, Jesse, Go! named Dabney or who have been on Jeopardy?  Please call or write to tell us -- 206-984-4FUN or [e-mail].

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How are you feeling today, Jordan? Pretty good. Yeah? Pretty good.

I just like to check in, you know? Something happened. Really? Yeah. Do we want to? Should we introduce our guest before we get into what happened? I don't know. I want to say it now.

No, introduce the guest and then I'll say it. Introduce the guest and then I'll say it. Jordan, are you going to be okay? No. Do you want to write it down to save it? Okay. I'm calm. I'm professional.

I'm not bursting with excitement. Okay, introduce the guest and then we'll go. Jordan, when you took those deep breaths, you got a really big pants tent. Yeah, that's part of it. That's part of it. Our guest on the program, a beloved past guest of this program, a beloved stand-up comedian and podcaster. You know him as Grapefruit Simmons. Greg Fitzsimmons. You know, I'm taking heavy breaths hoping that I get the

pants tent going. I didn't know that's all it took. Yeah, we like to, when we have a male guest, we like to try it, all three of us stay hard throughout the entire recording. So if you could not fuck that up for us, that'd be great. It's less pressure than I get at home, so it'll be all right. So, Jordan, what do you need to get off your chest, buddy?

You know, I'm recording this on a Sunday night, but I mean, it's the Sunday after Valentine's Day. And, oh boy, it was kind of a big one this year. Gosh, so I woke up on the morning. Yeah. Of Valentine's Day. Of Valentine's Day. Right. And, you know, I'm waking up, getting out of bed, just shaking it off.

Maybe make a cup of herbal tea. Making a cup of herbal tea. I'm listening to Shake It Off. And I look at my phone and someone had sent a text early in the morning. Were you concerned that it was a hater there to hate, hate, hate? It crossed my mind. And I didn't know the number. I'm like, what's this text message?

Me? A text message? You know, like a text? Me? That's what I'm thinking. That's me. So, Greg, just to bring you into this, Jordan's looking at this text message. And Jordan, what were you thinking?

Me? A text? So does that help clarify? Is he a post-Luddite? Yeah, well, you know, I mean, he's got his phone, of course. Yeah. You know, like a cellular phone. Yes.

And then he's sort of, what would you say, looking at it? I'm looking at it. I don't recognize the number. I'm looking at me, a text, and I look at the text. You have a text? Yeah. A Valentine's Day text. Oh, wow.

From my weed store. And it was just them just saying, hey, that they were thinking about me. And they were thinking that maybe Valentine's Day. And they were thinking that maybe on Valentine's Day, I might like 15% off all edibles. And I'm like, what is going on? Are we doing this? I don't know. You know?

Is this a relationship or a fling? What is this? Exactly. Did you have any sense that this might be happening? No. I mean, I never. I mean, I'm so bad at signals. I mean, Jesse, you know that about me. I do know that you have a hard time reading signals.

And signaling when I'm making a turn. Right. Do you use your hand? I don't know. There's an issue with your steering column. Sure, that too. But yeah, I mean, I think I'm just going to kind of let go and let God, you know, and not overanalyze it. But yeah, I mean, I think we're a thing.

Wow. So do you go to other pot shops? I mean, I guess not anymore, huh? Yeah. I mean, that's kind of the first thing. You got to like lay the ground rules. Where are we at? State of the union.

I guess the thing I'm confused about, and this this is very new to me is am i in a relationship with the people who work there or the store itself right or the dog in a bandana that sleeps there sometimes i mean it could be that you just have a relationship with the fixtures oh yeah you know like a circular rack sure Sure. A display case. Mm-hmm. That kind of thing. Yeah. End cap. I hope it doesn't get weird if you go there and there's other people in the store.

Oh, yeah. Jeez. I mean, would you say that you're Polly? I mean, no. I mean, I don't judge that. I don't judge that. Right. I don't judge that. You don't judge that. Right. I don't judge that.

You don't judge that. Greg, if I – sorry. Yeah. Explain it to Greg. Greg, just to bring you up to speed. Yeah. Jordan's not Polly. He doesn't – I don't judge that. Yeah. He doesn't judge that. Right, right. Okay. Got it. But I mean I think part of the relationship that I am in with a store or the employees of the store or the dog is that it's – I mean it has to be based on a foundation of trust. Right.

So there might be other people in the store right now. But I don't know that and I'm not going to assume that is what is going on because I am laying a foundation of trust. Jordan, I tip my cap to you. Thank you. But I just want to say for me, and again, I'm just talking about me. I'm sure. Greg, for me. Yeah.

I'm a jealous bitch. Yeah, that's true. You love the drama. You love the drama. I'm 420 friendly, but I'm all drama. Sure. How was your guys' Valentine's Day? Did you get any surprise texts

from stores you go to? Let's see. I got a text from the San Diego Padres via StubHub. Okay. Wondering if I'd like to attend a Padres game this year. Oh, that's kind of romantic. It's probably one of the most romantic

sporting events you can go to. Do you think there'll be other people there? I mean, getting all up in that stadium? Yeah. All up in its guts? I'd rather there not be. Yeah. Because I feel like I have a very special thing

going with Eric Hosmer. And, you know, I don't like it when there's other people ogling him. But there are eight other guys on that field. Not as far as I'm concerned. I just see my man. My man, the Haas. Although you do kind of get off on it when people ogle him. It's called hot teaming.

You're a member of r slash hot team, right? Yeah. Your frequent poster. I'm a total hoskuck. Sure, yeah. As guys who have been married a long time, do you guys do Valentine's Day stuff? Is that something or do you try and just make it Valentine's Day every year or every day of the year? I'm a romantic. And I do the full flowers, very romantic, long notes.

It's not fair to my wife because I am a writer. And I was an English major. Sure. And I read the greats. Yeah. Beowulf. Beowulf. Right.

Number one. Jack Ryan. Yeah. Right. Sure. Gilgamesh. Mm-hmm. And when I write a card. Yeah. Right. Number one. Jack Ryan. Yeah. Right. Sure. Gilgamesh. Mm-hmm. And when I write a card-

Spencer for hire. Spencer for hire. Yeah. Batman. Sherlock Holmes? Are we listing detectives now? Ooh, I don't know. Yeah, sure.

Let's do it. Why not? Who cares? And so I write on the entire card. You know, the store writes books. This is a greeting card from a store. Don't get me wrong. The verse from CVS is strong. And the font is always interesting.

But then I go into my own freestyle, and it's the whole left side. I find a card that has the whole left side free and I write some heavy duty. I love you. Cause I do. I love the shit out of my wife. I got very lucky and, uh, and I write some nice stuff.

So I give it to her. She likes it. Uh, take her out to dinner, get home from dinner. And there is a rose and a card on my wife's pillow from my 18-year-old son. Oh, wow. Are you getting-

Was Sophocles one of the writers you just brought up recently? So you're all the time looking over your shoulder to see if there's a knife headed for your back. Yeah. That's right. That's a dangerous situation, Greg. I mean, he's young and he's hungry, but I've got some miles. I've got some mood.

Experience. Yeah. Real wildly. Wisdom. Yeah. And I know her. I know how to drive that car. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Ain't nothing wrong with that steering column. Do I need to apologize to your wife now i don't know what i meant i genuinely don't know what i meant i'm sorry to your lovely wife look i will get her a card in a single rose greg you know this about me i'm all about the drama sure you love it and i look at you and I see a ferocious beast when the claws come out. The claws don't come out a lot because I'm, you know, I'm mature. Right.

And I've learned to sublimate. But at the same time, this is some— Is that the skill of maturity to sublimate one's feelings? Yeah, you don't grow. You don't grow. No. Just tamp them down. In a way, you grow in sort of the way that, like, you know, the marina of San Francisco,

which is built on landfill, grew as more and more garbage was added to it. That's right. Eventually, you're on a hillock of buried feelings. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, and I don't need to come out of that very often, but I will. I'll fight my way out of that sewage for takers, if there's other takers. Do you do heart-shaped box of chocolates? No.

No. No. Okay. No, I don't because she doesn't like chocolate, but she really enjoys flowers. And I took her out to a nice restaurant, and we decided – and you with three children might be able to appreciate this. We had a no talking about the kids rule for dinner. Wow. Because it's all you talk about when you have kids.

You just talk about the pets. We talked about the pets incessantly. And then we – about 17 minutes into the dinner, we started talking about the kids. I thought you were going to say got naked and went to town while talking about the kids. Right, right, right. Yeah, it is supremely difficult. I also work with my wife. There's nothing left to talk about.

My wife doesn't like baseball. You know what I mean? What else is there in our worlds besides our children and the business? I don't know. I have no horizons that I'm not exploring right now. There's Donald Trump, but who wants to do that? Sure. With their spouse.

That's very romantic, to be fair. Right, right. Sure. America's most romantic president. Yeah. A lot of people say it was Lyndon B. Johnson, but he's been usurped. Bye. Some say it was Luis Miguel.

Sure, yeah. Some people say it was DeBarge. All of them. Yeah. Some people say it was DeBarge. All of them. They were all president. All of DeBarge. Not just like El DeBarge. It wasn't just that El DeBarge was president.

The rest were on the- Everyone. Just DeBarge. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. From 1992 to 1994. Wow. So they sort of, their career peaked in the mid to late 80s.

Yep. And then as things sort of went downhill, they really took it to a new level by becoming president of the United States. For two years. You know, it's funny. I don't know if you saw them performing music on Arsenio Hall, but some people have called them the first black president. Sure, yeah. You know? Yep. DeBarge, the first black president. Sure. Yeah. You know? Yep.

DeBarge, the vocal group DeBarge. Not familiar with their work. Los Angeles based. Really? Yeah. Hometown heroes. Have I ever, one time when DJ Quick was on Bullseye, it was just a quick, no pun intended, a quick DeBarge aside.

Sure. I was like, I feel like El DeBarge is on a lot of songs. And he said, oh, yeah, that's a homie, El DeBarge. And I'm like, what's El DeBarge like? And DJ Quick was like, that's the gangsterest motherfucker I have ever worked with. Really? This is a guy who was a house producer at Death Row Records, DJ Quick. The gangstress dude he's ever worked with is El DeBarge from DeBarge.

Wow. I guess I'm not familiar with maybe their deeper catalog. You know, honestly. But the music does not strike me as very gangster at all. No, it's quite romantic. Yeah. And it's pretty good, too. Like, you could listen to a DeBarge album.

It holds up pretty good. Sure. But, yeah, that motherfucker is apparently super scary. Apparently. Yeah. And also he's like, I mean, Quick's got to be 45, so DeBarge has got to be 50. That's a very scary person. If you are still scary in middle age, that is true scariness.

Right. I think. Because even all teenagers are scary. All teens are a threat. I'm not nuts about babies. Yeah, sure. It's like, look at them, you know? Yeah.

What are they thinking? And I know that you also have a secret contempt for bathwater. Sure, yeah. I want to throw them both out. Together, with each other. But like all teenagers are a terrifying threat, I think. Yes. And then many 24 year olds are a threat. They seem dangerous. But like as you as people age, they become less and less fearsome.

And the people who retain fearsomeness into if you're still scary at 50, then you are truly scary. Yeah, I live in Venice and there's a drug house that's catty corner from our house, which is a real holdover because, as you know, Venice has become very gentrified. Yeah, I mean it seems like all the good drug houses are getting pushed out and now they're just poke places. Right. A place to get a poke bowl. Well, they do sell poke also. Oh, that's what we call a one-stop shop. Speaking of which, I tried it.

A nice healthy lunch, high in protein and some crack. And high and high. Yeah. And so it's like a third-generation drug-dealing family, but not hardcore. I think they just sell pot. But there's a lot of cars that pull up, cars that pull out. They walk in. They walk out.

But there's a lot of cars that pull up, cars that pull out. They walk in. They walk out. And the toughest guy, I've watched him age over the last 20 years from a 30-year-old. He was like apparently one of the big guns in one of the big Venice gangs. I won't say which one on the air in case they're listening. We don't need a gang war on our hands. And he is now in his early 50s balding and he has a minivan. But he polishes the minivan all day with no shirt on and has a ripped body for a 50-year-old.

And you still cross the street even though it's a guy buffing a minivan. There still has an aura of fear about him. And, yeah, he's a scary 50-year-old guy. I'm afraid of James Woods. Oh, yeah. I don't think I would have been afraid of a young James Woods, but like current James Woods. Well, that's the other thing, I think. You know, they say that as you get older, and especially as you become elderly, your personality is not dulled it is sharpened you become more of the thing that

you were before and i think that as you get into a i mean how old's james what 60 65 i bet he's become he's become more and more those insane things about James Woods. Like they haven't softened. Sure. They've hardened into – they've curdled even. Sure. To kind of a rancid spike, a rancid point. Exactly. And I think that is another concern is as someone gets older and older, have they become more of a threat by virtue of the distinctive elements of their personality becoming more distinct?

Yes. I mean, I think in the mafia, they respect the elders because the elders really do. If the guy is a cutter or a shooter or whatever it is, he gets even better at that skill. Yeah. And it's the same in the NBA. Yeah. Jordan only got better. If somebody is a cutter or a shooter.

Right. That's right. Ray Allen. It's a good example of that. Jesse, do you do Valentine's Day presents for Teresa? Do you do flowers, chocolates? Historically, I have. Dank nugs? This time. Because I know somebody. flowers, chocolates? Historically, I have. Dank nugs?

This time. Because I know somebody. Oh, really? Yeah. I got a text from him recently. Oh, that sounds cute. Or you could just go to Greg's neighbor's house, I guess. Jordan, you know that I have my pot place, and I know that it's the right pot place because the first time I was there, Horatio Sanz was there.

Sure. Nice. Yeah. That's how you can tell. Is, Horatio Sanz was there. Sure. Nice. Yeah. That's how you can tell. Is he working? Yeah. He works there. Great news got canceled.

It's only, yeah, it is. There's a pot shop only staffed by former Saturday Night Live cast members. Oh, wow. Yeah. I try to. I generally try to. Chris Kattan got fired, really. He was just too extra.

Blazing on the job, baby. Don't get high on your own supply, Kattan. You know that. Come on, Mango. This year, I have a stash of Valentine's cards. They're very beautiful Valentine's cards I bought one time. At the car wash? I parcel out one a year. Yeah.

But it's a hands-free car wash. Wait. A hands-free car wash? No, wait. The other way around. Brushless? Brushless, yeah. A brushless car wash. I mean, this is a premium car wash, is my point. I guess my

thought, and this is, I mean, maybe there's something wrong with me that this is where I went, but the thought of a hands-free car wash. This is a premium car wash. That's my point. I guess my thought, and this is I mean, maybe there's something wrong with me that this is where I went, but the thought of a hands-free car wash was a man with a towel on his erect dick scrubbing your car. I think that was a late night movie on the USA Network back in the 90s. Oh yeah, Ron Deshir introduced that.

Ron Deshir and Gilbert Gottfried. Erect car wash. Was it like a sequel to Car Wash? It was, yeah. With Franklin Ajayi? Well, you know how the new – there's a new Fast and Furious movie coming out, but it's like Fast and Furious presents Hobbs and Shaw. This was Car Wash presents erect car wash.

Boners with a Z. So it's kind of a – Direct Car Wash. Boners with a Z. So it's kind of a, yeah, exactly. Yes. Boners with a Z. Yeah, my, So you have a stash. We had a long, hard day.

It was a weekday. We did not have a babysitter. So I wrote my wife a sincere and heartfelt card, but not a long letter. I can't really muster much explanation for my relationship with my wife beyond I love her and she has not yet come to her senses. Like that's as far as it gets. Like I live in constant terror that my wife will turn against me with no evidence.

My wife is the kindest person in the world and I presume she's in our relationship voluntarily. But I'm terrified she's going to leave and I don't have any words to express love besides love basically. I think most great romantic writing comes from low self-esteem. It comes from feeling that you're out of your league and you can only try to express it. Yeah. Cocky guys don't write good poetry.

Sure, just describe the ways in which you're scum. Yeah. I remember the only poem I've ever written, I don't know if you write poems for your wife, Greg, do you? No. I was actually know if you write poems for your wife, Greg, do you? No. I was actually in this class with Jordan in college with Dr. Casey Muhammad. Very cool dude. Probably our coolest

college professor, I would say. Is that fair to say, Jordan? Yes. And we had to write a sonnet. And I'm like, I'm going to work hard at this, which was not my general move in college. And I wrote a sonnet

about my wife. Oh, you were married in college? We were together when we were in college, yeah. And I don't remember much about it. I did work hard on it. I would never show it to anyone else besides my wife at the time and Dr. Casey

Muhammad. And I think the theme of it, the main thing I remember of it, the theme of it was that being in love with my wife makes me, distracts me from my paralyzing fear of death, I would say. That's beautiful. Isn't that a sweet sentiment? Yeah. That's about the sweetest I'm capable of generating, I think. That's really nice. It makes you think about death and dying.

Yeah. Many marriages, people fantasize about death. Sure. The last great trip, baby. I will often give my wife jewelry for these special occasions. I think she grew up in a culture of Catholic shame and self-denial and maybe doesn't enjoy getting nice gifts as much as she could. Also, I think she knows that I probably like jewelry more than she does. And so it's sort of like giving her a bowling ball that says Homer.

Like I don't really wear drop earrings or whatever. So if I want to have them around the house because I think they're amazing, then I better give them to her. I think she recognizes that while it is a generous act, she would rather I maybe rather I not do it. Has she requested a second sonnet? No. No.

No. You thought about maybe a limerick? Yeah. Well, I started one. There once was a wife from Nantucket. No. You thought about maybe a limerick? Yeah. Well, I started one. There once was a wife from Nantucket. Sure. But I haven't gotten past there yet. Here's the next step.

Kirby Puckett. I lost her cock. Yeah. And in the end, the rhyme is Kirby Puckett. Mm-hmm. Turned out to be a bad person. Greg, Kirby Puckett, really? No, I didn't know that. That sucks.

Is Jim Abbott still good? Yeah, as far as I know, both Jim Abbott and Dave Drevecky, one-handed pitcher Jim Abbott and one-armed pitcher Dave Drevecky are both good people. Greg, you have a, you started a parenting podcast.

We did. You and Allison Rosen. Allison Rosen and myself, who is at – you started a parenting podcast. We did. You and Allison Rosen. Allison Rosen and myself, who is at a different stage of parenting than I am. It's kind of the idea was I've got kids that are teenagers and she's got one in the belly, possibly in the real world by the time this airs. And she's got a two-year-old. So the premise is kind of like me teaching her how to parent, and she's not really buying it. It's not good advice.

Do you feel like your kids turned out good, or they are turning out good? Yeah, they're good kids. You've got one that's going off to college, perhaps. With or without my wife, yes. And the other one is 15, and she's a surfer. She's a very free-spirited 15-year-old. You know, she just likes to – she'll get up at 5 in the morning and go surf before school. Wow.

In February. Are you – you're not from Southern California. No. I'm a New Yorker, but they're California kids. So what do you – what is it like to raise a child so distinctly Southern Californian as that, as a non-Southern Californian? It's interesting because, you know, I have my Giants and Mets and they have their Dodgers and pick one of the football teams that's winning and they'll take that one. Honestly, I was not aware there were football teams in Los Angeles. You couldn't tell. One of them went to the Super Bowl.

You wouldn't know it. It's because they didn't have it in Variety. Yeah. They should have announced it in Variety. There you go. And so they're not meant to be in the sun because they are completely Irish kids. And so she's out there with all kinds of of sunblock and she still comes back sunburned and she's going to have the skin of a baseball glove by the time she's 19 years old.

I'm imagining her wearing that zinc nose cream, the white zinc nose cream. If only. That like a member of the Ventures might wear to indicate that they're into surfing. That like a member of the Ventures might wear to indicate that they're into surfing. Yeah, and they talk like California kids. And they skateboard. And all their friends have long hair. And my son always had long hair. And it's very groovy.

They eat salad. Wow. A couple of salad kids, huh? Yeah. Got yourself a couple of salad kids on your hands. Avocados. They eat the avocados. Yeah.

Sounds like these two are taking their salad days literally. Oh, boy. Oh, I think we have a name of the episode. What – so the one surfs, what's the older one's interest? He's a big soccer jock. Okay. Yeah, he's the captain of his high school team and his club team, and he wants to play in college. A club team.

That's serious playing, right? Yeah, that's serious playing. Are you a jock? I was not. I was not good at sports. I don't know where he got it from. I always loved playing sports, but I never really excelled at them. So I was in high school.

I loved playing ice hockey, and so I played JV ice hockey through senior year. They let me play JV hockey, which I think is illegal. Really crushed those freshmen, huh? Take that, freshmen. 14-year-old kid. You're 13. I'm just picturing you as like a bearded 18-year-old enforcer on the JV hockey team. Like he can't skate, he can't shoot, but he's two heads taller than all these 13-year-olds. Right.

I was legal to drink at that point in New York. So you're drunk out there on the ice, checking people into the side. Not feeling any pain. Smoking a cigarette. Anyway. I relate to that. I have no impression that my children are going to – any of my children are sports-oriented. But I am right there with you.

Had I not gone off to arts high school, I would have continued to play JV baseball as long as they would have allowed me. Yeah. Like I was never notably good. Mm-hmm. I'm not the most – I was passable. You made JV. Yeah.

Yeah. But – or equivalent Parks League. Yes. But yeah, like I can't imagine what it would be like to play sports and be good at them. Yeah. The both of those things happening at the same time is baffling to me. Yeah. And I go and I watch them and there's no greater joy than watching my kids play sports because I'm just I am in awe. You know, they are just like thanking God that it's not improv. You're not watching them do improv.

They're not the them do improv. That's right. They're not. The UCB juniors. Yeah, that's a thing, right? Isn't there a kid's improv? Yeah, I'm sure there is. Yeah, your kids are pantsing those kids. But they're like, you know, they're healthy. I mean, I think that it keeps you out of trouble.

I hated jocks growing up. Glad my son is one. Really? Yeah, because he's not going to be doing drugs as much. Right hated jocks growing up. Glad my son is one. Really? Yeah, because he's not going to be doing drugs as much. Right. He'll do them. Maybe performance

enhancing drugs. Sure. Maybe he'll be juicing. That's right. Do you think he's popping greenies? He's got acne on his back. Oh, no.

So, could be. Mm-hmm. Are you experienced, now that you're like giving parenting advice on the Internet? Are you like hearing from other parents? Because from what I understand, like the parenting Internet is very intense. I guess so. We don't really interact with it very much. We kind of do our own thing because she's got her podcast.

Alison Rosen is your new best friend. And then I've got Fitz Dog Radio. So we kind of just i think mostly pulled our listeners to that i don't know that we're up until now drawing people from other parenting podcasts which would be probably the way to go is this a parenting podcast yeah this is absolutely 100 right here yeah well we're this is this is all parenting stuff so this is where i need oh and uh super smash brothers tips as well so we have two kind of so that's there'll be the back half of the show will be super funny because that's my other new podcast oh wow okay well this is great this is perfect yeah what a to be clear though greg we always speak in kind of parables and riddles yeah so it's all it's all metaphorical so what you've heard to this point has all been

parenting stuff you're just including the uh that boner car wash thing that was about compassion. It's sort of like when you join the Masons and they give you those ancient teachings. Our show is that for parenting. You have to parse through it. Figure out what it means that I'm afraid of scary 50-year-olds. Yeah. And with re-parenting. Right.

You got to kind of gain the knowledge. You got to know the ledge. I have to catch up on some back episodes. But no, it's a comedy podcast. We talk about her first episode was about her having, it's this thing you can experience when you're pregnant where you have orgasms in your sleep. Pregnancy orgasms. What? Yes.

Look who wants to be pregnant all of a sudden. God. Oh, I hope my pot shop will get me pregnant. Oh, put a baby in me. Oh, pot shop, I took out my Norplan. Sure. You don't have to wear a condom with me, pot shop. Oh, it's nice that the two of you have that kind of intimate relationship.

We're fluid bonded. Yeah. Anyway. And not just because you're spit sisters. What's that? What's a spit sister? Isn't that where you spit in your hand and then you... Oh.

When I say you, I mean girls at summer camp. Sure. Anyway, it seems like something that would probably happen in the sandlot. Sure. Exactly. Cool. Yeah. Cool.

Great. Do you feel like you have parenting insights, Greg? I think I have. Like, I go from the gut. I didn't read a ton of books about parenting, but I feel like most of my advice comes from don't do what my parents did to me. You know, like mine were abusive and alcoholic, so I don't drink. And I think most of my life is dedicated to not being like my parents. I don't – I would be nice if my kids did not get into using addictive substances. And having grown up not drinking myself, and I'm still a non-drinker, I think one of the

things that I'm going to take from my dad and his parenting strategies is I'm just going to take my kids to a shit ton of AA meetings for homeless veterans because it really scared the fuck shit out of me. And I don't drink to this day. So there you go. I think the thing I'm going to take from my dad is that, you know, even though he seems a little bit corny, Elton John's got some great songs. Sure. Yeah.

It's really just a great songwriter. Classic tunes. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Is there anything you're going to take from your dad, Greg? I would say, you know, work so hard that that's your way of showing love to your child. Oh, that's beautiful.

That when they get older, you show them your bank statement and you go, that's how much I love you. Yeah. Have fun surfing. They say you can't put dollars and cents on it, but that's exactly what you're worth to me. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

It's Jordan Jessigo. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Hey, we've got some sponsors on this week's program. Yes. Of course, every week, Jordan Jessigo brought to you by all the Maximum Fund members. Go to MaximumFund.org slash donate. Max Fund Drive, by the way, right around the corner.

It's going to be a fun one. Oh. We've got lots of great plans. We promised during the Max Fun Drive no one will make that noise. That's what we promised to you for two weeks. No one will make that noise into a microphone. Oh, bad news, Jordan. I'm already planning to do an interview on Bullseye with a baleen whale. Oh, well.

I should shut my fucking mouth then, I guess. He's got to clear out his blowhole if he wants to surface. That's true. Okay, we're also brought to you this week by our friends at Squarespace. Squarespace is a service that will allow you to create what's called a website. And I'm talking about online, Jordan. On-line. Yeah, it's where you want to be.

You can turn your cool idea into a new, beautiful website. Jordan on hyphen. Why? Yeah, it's where you want to be. Uh, you can turn your cool idea into a new, beautiful website. You can blog or publish content. You can sell products and services of all kinds and more. Uh, I use a Squarespace, uh,

site myself to showcase my writing. And it's been very helpful. So I recommend that people do it. I use Squarespace to, my gopher business. Sounds like you don't, Jesse. That sounds like a lie. One of us is a loyal Squarespace customer and one of us is lying about gopher sites. Jordan, I'm concerned about gophers. I don't want them messing up people's lawns. So I started a gopher service

and I went ahead and used Squarespace and their easy drag and drop interfaces and the adaptable. You drag the gopher and you drop it? Yeah, I think. Into his little gopher hole? If you ask me,

information superhighway is more like information stuporhighway. Now, on this site, you raise money for the gophers, right? It's gophern to me. Jordan, we've talked about Squarespace's world-class designers. Yeah. These are local designers. These are world-class designers. Beautiful templates.

You can – it's a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions, analytics that help you grow in real time, and 24-7 award-winning customer support. I've used this customer support myself. The people who gave them the award, they were right to do so. And I've seen you grow in real time in the first segment of this program. That's true. That's true. That's true. And if analytics helped you do that, buddy, do more analytics. Hey, here's a deal for you.

Head over to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code JJGO to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com. Enter code JJGO. Jordan Jesse Go is also supported in part by Eero Home Wi-Fi Systems. This is a system that allows you to create a network that blankets your home in sweet, sweet, nasty connectivity. Sounds warm and nasty. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, the new Eero, which is the second generation and the Eero Beacon, allow customers to build a Wi-Fi system that is reliable, simple to set up, and perfectly tailored to their home. And now with Eero Plus, you get total network protection, advanced security, content blocking, and ad blocking. Basically, that's everything that you could want in a Wi-Fi unit. Never think about Wi-Fi again. To get $100 off the Eero base unit and two beacons package and one year of Eero Plus, visit Eero, E-E-R-O dot com slash JJ Go and use code JJ Go to get 100 bucks off. JJ Go. Why, that's the initials of the name of our program. It sure is, Jesse.

That's a good way to let them know you heard about it on our show. Going to Eero dot com slash JJ Go? That's the thing to do. And then blanketing your home in sweet, nasty connectivity? Oh, yeah. Warm and nasty. If you've got a message to share with our audience, you can go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. If it's something, you know, person to person.

Yeah. Person to person action. You want to wish somebody happy birthday. P2P? PVP. Want to send an antagonistic message. Got it. And also, you can email Teresa at MaximumFun.org if you want to become a sponsor of Jordan, Jesse, Go.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Hi, I'm Greg Fitzsimmons. Grapefruit Simmons.

Grapefruit Simmons. You know what I like to do? I like to order a Grapefruit Simmons, but I like to substitute gin for vodka. Oh, that's nice. You can personalize it. Sure. It's good if you're in like a mixology bar. I wouldn't want to order that at the airport.

No, yeah. You want to get a good bartender, but yeah. When something momentous happens to you, we ask you to call us at 206-984-4FUN for our segment, Momentous Occasions. Hell, Jordan, this one's been running more than a decade, and we're still on board with the way that it soaks up minutes in our run time. Seattle? Seattle area code? Yeah, the Seattle area. That's correct.

We use a Web 1.0 service that has existed unchanged since 1997 to host our – actually, that's not true. Like two years ago, they went out of business. We had been using this website for like 11 years that looked like it was fogdog.com for how old timey World Wide Web it was. It might as well have been hosted on GeoCities that like forwarded you voicemails. And we, Brian, to his credit, figured out some kind of, when they went out of business, figured out how to save our phone number. Wow. Yeah. Nice save, Brian. You should play JV hockey.

Or you can email us a – Now in your 30s. Please show those fucking Frotchman Who's Bots. You can also email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here is our first listener. Hey, Jordan. Jesse Guest. This is Joe from Paulsville, Washington.

Hey, Jordan, Jesse, guest. This is Joe from Paulsville, Washington. And a couple days ago, I got a call from Culver City saying that I would be a contestant on the Jeopardy! Teachers Tournament, which is pretty fucking cool. And I thought I'd share it with some podcast imaginary friends. And, yeah, enjoy the show. Keep it up. How many Jordan, Jesse, Jesse Go listeners would you say? We've got, what, 70, 80 listeners?

How many Jordan Jesse Go listeners, either as an absolute number or as a proportion, have competed on Jeopardy? I think a lot. I think, you know, we are not, we are by no means the biggest podcast. No. That's Fitz Dog Radio. Yeah. But, I mean, I do think we have the most listeners when it comes to number of listeners that have been contestants on Jeopardy. I do think this is the official podcast of people who aspire to be on Jeopardy. Yeah.

Sorry, stuff you should know. In your ear, Chuck and Josh. Enjoy your Wheel of Fortune contestants. Yeah. Sorry. Listen to your dumb show. John Roderick's show Omnibus that he does with legendary Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings. Yeah.

There you go. Maybe they have more. Yeah. It's probably why they have more. Let's put it out to your listeners. Call that 206 number if you have indeed been on Jeopardy and are a listener of the show. Call in and we'll rack up – we'll tally the numbers. Who's we?

I walk out of here tonight. That's true. I'm done. You guys are stuck tabulating numbers. Wrong. Greg, just give out your email address. We'll have them email you and then you can come back once you've tabulated it. Great.

You know, weighted against the total number of listeners. With Jordan, Jesse, go once you're in, you're in. Yeah. There's no getting out. I thought that that was an all-you-can-drink bracelet. The only way you get out of this is through your grave. Or. We've got you in our sights Fitzsimmons

Or you can kill me and eat my heart I may need that sonnet That keeps you from thinking about death now Oh yeah Hey Yeah While you're there Suck Trebek's dick

Come on Do it Guy needs clean pipes How's he gonna host the show With balls full of cum That's right You can't see from the waist down on the show Undam that river

Sure You want him with a clear head And a little sleepy You know what they say Suck Trebek's dick Clear head, Empty balls. Get loose. At Jeopardy.

On Jeopardy. That is what they say. What Friday Night Lights was about. Sucking Alex Trebek's dick. Do you think if you're going on Jeopardy, it's a better idea to clear the pipes right beforehand so your head is clear or to stop to go on a no fab like you were Ali prepping to fight Frazier. So it makes you more powerful. Yeah, that's a great question. I say when you go on Jeopardy and I've heard this said, you go with none of your human needs met.

You go hungry. You go hungry, you go tired, and you go with a full, full sack. Okay. That's good. Or clitoris. Or clitoris. Hell, we'll throw clitorises

in there too. Sure. No matter how you pronounce it. Yeah. As long as it's full. Whichever the name may be. There was a great viral photo going around. And you know me, I love viral photos. Viral videos?

Not so much. Greg, just to bring you in on this, something about Jordan that you might not know. Right. This guy loves viral photos. Not videos. Interesting. Yeah, not videos, but photos. Okay. Jordan, of course, my co-host over here.

And there, so it was a photo of three Teen Jeopardy contestants, and it was clear that someone told them to dab. We're going to take a picture, and you guys are going to dab. Do your kids dab? Yes. Greg? Ironically. Okay. Yeah.

I think that's probably the – was probably the spirit of these Teen Jeopardy contestants. Yeah. But two of them were dabbing perfectly. They had clearly dabbed before. But one of them is just holding out her arms to the side and has this look on her face like she's so fucking happy to be there. Has clearly – does clearly not know how to dab but it's just so glad to be hanging out with friends it's fucking amazing it's great she's finally found her tribe yeah anyway has not learned to dab yet but it's it's quite charming

it turns out this know-it-all doesn't quite know at all do your your kids dab, Jesse? Oh, God, all they do is dab. Yeah? No. My kids are more into crumping or clown dancing. Oh, sure, yeah. They haven't quite caught up yet. Is that 2005, 2006? Yeah, they saw that David LaChapelle movie.

Yeah. Are they ghostwriting the whip? Oh, sure. Oh, you know my kids are hyphy, Jordan. Sure. They love to ghost ride the whip. Mm-hmm. Mine pop.

Sure. Oh. Yeah. Do they lock at all? They're starting to lock, but they mostly pop. Right. Yeah. Baby steps.

Baby steps, of course. Yeah. My cat dabs. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. She doesn't. I lied. I. Yeah. Baby steps. Baby steps, of course. Yeah. My cat dabs. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. She doesn't. I lied. I'm sorry. Wanted to be part of the conversation. It's okay. Wanted to be part of the group. It's okay. I just said something fucking stupid. God damn.

It's kind of sad that Dabney Coleman didn't live in the time of the dab. I mean, that's like that could have been his thing. I know. There could have been a reality show with him and Dabney from

what was it? What was the sitcom? The Dabney in it? Hmm. There's Daphne from Scooby-Doo. Oh, there's Daphne from Scooby-Doo. I thought there was a Dabney from Hmm. Who are the most famous Dabneys? It sounds like it's not a name.

I apologize to any Dabneys out there who are listening, but it sounds like a name you make up when a cop catches you doing something. Okay, Jordan. Here we go. Yeah. 206-9844-FUN or JJGO at MaximumFun.org. Are you Dabney? Yeah. Do you think we have more people who've been on Jeopardy or more people in our audience who are named Dabney?

And I'm going to say including middle name. Okay. That's great. Which do you think? I am going to guess we have more people who have been on Jeopardy than people who are named Dabney. What do you think, FitzDog? I think if you include nickname as well, now we've got a contest. What is Dabney a nickname for?

Dabney Burke? Dabnation? Somebody who dabs with their legs. Oh. Instead of their elbow. I would love to see that. Instead of their elbow, they use their knee. I would love to see that.

Yes, yes. I would love to see that. Yes, yes. I would love to see the leg dab. I'm going to say in the next week, and I don't want anyone listening to this, Jordan, Jesse, go to fuck around with this. It's as easy as sending an email or making a telephone call because you're literally doing one of those two things. I think we get five Jeopardy contestants and one Dabney. That's my bet. I think four Jeopardys, two Dabneys.

Okay. What do you think, Greg? When you're here next week, we can follow up. And then the week after that, we'll do something new. I think you're going to have 13 Jeopardy! contestants and zero Dabney's. Wow. A bold prediction. You know what? I'm not prepared to controvert. I think Greg might have had the best guess of all of us.

It might be a good guess. But this is an important, I mean, obviously, heavy are the shoulders of the man who wears the Dabney. Mm-hmm. Yes. Sure, that's a phrase we've all heard. This is an important responsibility for all the Jeopardy! contestants listening to this and all of the Dabneys. Yeah. JJGo at MaximumFun.org or 206-9844-FUN and do it now. Because we can't let the timeline for this stretch off into the future.

Do it now. We may be overlooking it. Is there an overlap? Oh, boy. Yeah. That's our unicorn there. A Dabney who's been on Jeopardy. God, that's the dream. To be named Dabney who's been on Jeopardy. God, that's the dream.

To be named Dabney and to be on Jeopardy? It's like meeting a nice Jewish boy and he's single. Oh, boy. You know what I mean? Tell me about it. All the good ones aren't named Dabney. And by ones, we mean Jeopardy contestants. Right, that's what we mean by ones.

I want to emphasize here, by the way, that both Celebrity Jeopardy and Teen Jeopardy are included in this. This isn't just... Right. If you're on Jeopardy, if you're listening, if you're a member of Sugar Ray and did well in Rock and Roll

Jeopardy. Mark Dabney McGrath. Yeah. And we're not excluding any Dabneys from other languages. No. Yeah, sure. If it's D-A-B-N-I and it's a Sri Lankan name. That's right. Absolutely.

If it's Sanskrit and there's like little hyphenations. Is there an N-Yay in there somewhere? There could be. Dab-N-Yay? Yep. That would be an example. Certainly. Of how that would work. Mm could be. Dabnye? Yep. That would be an example. Certainly. Of how that would work. That is a great example. Are you accepting

umlauts? No. No Teutonic peoples. I will not allow them. Finally. I will not allow them on this program. It comes out that we're... No Teutonic peoples. We're reverse nazis oh yeah that's how woke i am baby okay let's take our next call

hey jordan jesse and guest uh thanks for the podcast i'm a med student and today for the first time i learned and performed a rectal exam uh and uh it was something um but i thought i'd give a podcast shout out to the professional volunteers that teach and let us do this because uh we're not very good but anyways i learned it and it was like i said something anyway thanks a bunch Does the 206 number route through underwater? Yeah. All the way over here? Yes. Because I don't understand a word that guy just said.

He is a medical student. Okay. Now, I will grant you, did I initially think he said he was a Mets student? Yeah. That's true, yeah. I did briefly think he was studying all things Lucas Duda. Right? Professor Mr. Met.

It would be so funny if Mr. Met had a little mortarboard on. That would be very cute. That would be very cute. Our founder, marvelous Marvin Thronberry. Who's that? That's one of the first Mets, one of the original New York Mets. Back when, yeah. The amazing Mets.

So I did think that initially, but this was a medical student who had just performed his first rectal exam. Oh. And apparently when you do this, you do it with, he said, volunteers. Mm-hmm. I would think that you would have some kind of butt machine that you would look into. Right. I have one of those.

It's just a volunteer holds the butt open. Yeah. And you just check out and see what's going on. Yeah. Well, I mean, the first thing you're going to notice, of course, feces. Sure. It's sort of a feces tube. The butt.

Describing the butt. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to say that anybody who volunteers to have their butt exams, I don't want to see their butt. That's interesting because you're thinking, I can only really think of two reasons you would volunteer to have your butt examined. One is- Oh, I thought, boy, I thought someone, this was actually someone with a butt problem and this person was just being assisted by volunteers. But no, the butt was a volunteer. Yeah, I think the butt

volunteered. Huh. I thought maybe just like his helpers were unpaid butt enthusiasts. There's no butt draft. Dr. Mix-a-lot. There's no butt draft anymore. We have an all-volunteer butt force. Right. Sure. So I think there are probably, I think you're right. There are probably two groups of

people who would volunteer for a butt exam. One are people with terrifying butt problems and who lack another venue to engage with it, which to be frank, that's the fault of our healthcare system. Sure. Thank you. That's the fault of our health care system. Sure. Thank you. And then the other one would be people who are into it. And I don't mean when I say into it, I don't mean that they're into butt stuff. I would never cast aspersions upon those who are into butt stuff. Go to town.

What I'm saying specifically is it is that plus medical students or that plus a gallery of young people or that plus whatever the other elements of this scenario are that plus higher education you know what i mean yeah getting college credit yeah? Yeah. Getting college credit. Yeah, exactly. I love getting college credit. Ooh, yeah. Loved getting college credit. You know, somebody, a doctor told me recently, and it seems so obvious, but I'd never really thought about it before, is that you don't get to choose. Within reason, you get to choose what type of doctor you'll be, But not all professions of doctor are available to you. It depends on your grades.

And so I was thinking like really good grades, neurosurgeon, cardiologist, not as good. Then you're, you know, maybe a podiatrist. You're working with feet. Maybe less than that. You're a pediatrician. Like we don't let you work on the adults. but yeah, kill a couple of kids and kids. And then the bottom, it has to, has to be, if you're, if you're staring at an asshole, you have to think I should have studied harder in college.

Yeah. Few less keggers. But you know, maybe, or you're just passionate. Yeah. And I could detect in our caller's voice that he was passionate. Well, that's why he's drawing the caring profession. Of the anus. Yeah.

Anal matters. I will say this. But one of the things that we think about as we discuss each challenge we face in our lives is we remember the watchwords without a base, without a trace. I find that when there is a missing butt item in the news, it tends to crop up on my Twitter feed more than I would like it to. So when the news reveals that someone has lost an unusual item within themselves. Yeah. Many people tend and there was something in the news this week. I don't remember what it was. I don't click through typically. But that was lost. People tend to tag us on Twitter and remind and celebrate with us our slogan without a base, without a trace. And I don't need any more of it. I know unusual things are lost in butts, but I don't need to know about further things.

Sounds like you're just a little uptight. Loosen up, baby. Sorry. It's all fun. We're all just hanging out, going around on this crazy blue marble,

shoving shit up our butts. Come on, baby. You got to flare that bass, though, Jordan. Well, well, come on. You're not holding out on one object you haven't heard yet? If it's really good.

Yeah, I want something really good. I don't just want things. I don't want the general category things lost in butts. I want beautiful and unusual things. Like a little Godzilla. Oh, that would be amazing. That would be pretty good.

Well, first of all, because it would confirm my theory that there are little kaiju that we just don't notice because we're looking for big kaiju. Sure. There's some that are

as small as a... I'm trying to think of the right you know, as small as a, trying to think of the right metaphor, like as small as like a butt plug. Sure. I was thinking it would be like an action figure or something. Well, no, in this case, a little smaller than most action figures. So about the size of a butt plug.

Yeah. Okay. Although butt plugs can be great action figures. That's true. Sure. Put a little hat on them. I mean, a lot of people don't have a lot of money. Right.

Yeah. So if you like, listen, we can only buy one thing this year, kids. Yeah. We have to buy something for you or for grandpa. Yeah. Both. Well, what happens is you start reading reviews. I mean, we talked about reading those reviews in Wirecutter for adult items.

You decide to splurge on the stainless steel version. Right. It's easy to clean. And then all of a sudden, there's no money left over for action figures. Sure. You got to figure out how to make a butt plug do a karate chop. But, I mean, the problem with it is with those butt plugs, they lose so much of their value as soon as you take them out of the box. Yeah, that's true. I like to keep my butt plug collectibles in the box for display purposes.

Yeah. Jordan doesn't have children, so he's mostly buying his action figures as a collectible. Right. Butt plugs as well. I think they'll all go up in value. Yeah. I think that seems safe. Maybe more so once I put them up my butt and then become famous.

Oh, wow. Okay. Because then I could say, yeah, it's been in my butt. Jordan. Yeah. Let's say – I don't think I'm speaking out of school when I say you're very popular. Sure. Hugely popular.

Among the gentleman-fanciing portion of our audience. Mm-hmm. There's a lot of folks who like boys who are fans of yours in the Jordan Jesse Go Listening audience. Do you think you could, if you so chose, and you've been freelancing the past, what, year or so. So this could be a lucrative sideline. Do you think you could start one of those soiled jockstrap businesses on eBay? Oh, sure.

Yeah. I mean, maybe. I mean, I think I just want to see if there's a market first. Wait. No, I don't. No. I mean, we'll see. We'll see how 2019 goes.

I mean, $24.99? That seems reasonable to me. How much is the butt plug, though? I would start. No, no, I'm just talking about jockstraps here. Oh, jockstraps. Well, for $24.99, how soiled? Yeah.

Is it a higher price if it is more soiled? How much of my day is going to have to be dedicated to soiling this thing? I mean, you're going to have to, like, go for a jog or something. Yeah, but I mean, that's— If it's just desk work, then— Yeah. Yeah, it's not as stanky as you need it. You got to get a little stank in there.

Yeah, it's got to be a little bit stanky. It's like a James Brown song. You got to get a little stank in there. Yeah, it's got to be a little bit stanky. It's like a James Brown song. You got to put a little stank on it. Sure. He was talking about selling his jock straps. By the way, $24.99, which is particularly impressive in 1965 dollars. Sure, absolutely. Yeah.

I mean, adjusting for inflation. And I mean, the fact that he just started eBay before the internet even existed. Yeah. Particularly impressive. Yeah, if he wore one during a concert, that's $24.99.

He's the hardest working man in show business. Yeah, that's a soil jock. It's a very soiled jock. Known, of course, as Stank Brother number one. Yes, of course. We all know.

206-984-4FUN is our phone number. JJGO at MaximumFun.org is our email address if you want to send us a voice memo. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Unless you're able to discuss the semiotics of dire wolves and Game of Thrones, Inside Pop is definitely not for you. Sean, that's a little extreme and also not quite true.

Okay, Amita, how about Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer. Much better. In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave. Past interviews include Luke Cage showrunner Cheo Hadari Coker, the music supervisor of The Florida Project, and Mudbound director Dee Rees. You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our Big Sell segment. Plus the opinions of two TV producers who are pop culture obsessives and actually do care a lot about direwolves.

Which, of course, symbolize our inability to truly connect with the natural world without ultimately destroying it and in the process destroying ourselves. Listen to Inside Pop every other Wednesday on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network. There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS Biopic. Avast! It's actually pronounced Biopic. No, you dingus! It's Biopic! Who the hell says that? It's Biopic! It's the words for biography and picture!

All right, that is enough. Ahoy, I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the host of the newly rebooted podcast formerly known as International Waters, designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this. How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against

each other with trivia and improv games, of course. Winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree! We love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, sometimes they do those are beautiful days huh those are the days baby Greg I don't think we can never go back

I don't think a month has gone by since the first time you told us that Grapefruit Simmons story eight years ago that I haven't thought about the phrase Grapefruit Simmons I am about to make you a very happy man yes a fan of mine heard the story to make you a very happy man. Yes?

A fan of mine heard the story, designed a T-shirt, and I will be mailing you one. It is a Grapefruit Simmons T-shirt with a grapefruit and my face on it. Ah, that's beautiful. And I have XXL. Oh, that's gorgeous. Are you XL or XXL?

I'm XL. I'm not quite as obese as you think I am. No, I meant tall. You're a very tall person. I'm very tall, yeah. I have recently been dancing on the line between large and extra large. And I think I, in my daddom, have become a permanent extra large. Yeah.

I used to just be a large, but I'd keep my eye out for the longer brands. But, yeah, I think I'm- Well, you're a little extra, and you love the drama. Yeah, sure. It fits. It fits. Greg Fitzsimmons, where can we find your new podcast with our friend Allison Rosen? Well, it's Childish, and it's at childishpod.com is our website.

It's on iTunes and all available space. We got to get it on that. What do they call that thing? Spotify. We got to get it on that Spotify. Get it everywhere. Get it everywhere. But, yeah, we've got I think we've done about 12 or 13 episodes now.

Got a bunch banked because she's going to be with her little baby for the next few weeks. And they're out there. Hey, can I tell people to look at something? I would love for you to do that. Hey, I've mentioned this on the show before, but a big part of last year for me was writing episodes of this cartoon called Unikitty. It is a spinoff of the Lego movie. Very funny show. Very funny show.

There's one aired recently that I am particularly proud of. It is called The Delivery Effect. It is about the characters being caught in a time portal because time moves the slowest between when you order your food and when it gets to your house. Yeah, I think it's up on the Cartoon Network website or their app or on demand. It's called The Delivery Effect. I think, listen, this show is the greatest creative thing I've been involved with. Oh, there's no doubt about that. This is the finest of fine art.

But this is the second. I think it turned out really good. The first episode I ever went from the pitch to the screen. Shepherding it the whole way. I think it's really funny. I'd love to see some GIFs and memes. I know our audience is great with GIFs and memes. Don't put anything gross on it.

It's a family show. But look at it. It's a good, it's very funny. And you can make some GIFs and memes. I would really appreciate that. And I want to thank everybody who's made prank bear me. Yeah. That's a nice wholesome meme. I prank bear.

I was just thinking about prank bear. I don't remember where prank bear came from. I don't fully remember the context or meaning of prank bear. But the but the phrase prank bear has been bouncing around in my heart the last week or two. And I think it's my favorite thing we've ever thought of on Jordan Jesse Go. And your memes in which prank bear is either shade tipping or flipping off the camera or getting up to trouble and then saying, see you next. What is it? See you in the spring, assholes.

His classic catchphrase. Great meme. Great meme. See you in the spring, assholes. See you in the spring, assholes. That's what Prank Bear says when he pranks you. Yeah. He's some kind of, I remember he's maybe a YouTube personality,

a bear who's a YouTube personality who does social experiments. Listen, let's not try and figure it out. Yeah. It's prank bear, keep making memes. Yeah. Anyway. Do you think prankbear.com is taken? I don't know.

Is this how we're going to get rich? I mean, what goes there is the question we should probably answer. Call Squarespace. They'll tell you. Oh, yeah. 24-7. Sure. Do you think they give creative advice on that line?

I don't know. Yeah, let's, hey, we have a phrase we like. Hi, my name's Jesse Thorne. I'm calling from the podcast Jordan, Jesse, Go. There's these two words that sound funny to me when I say them together, but I'm not really a comedian or comedy writer. I'm barely a broadcaster.

I'm basically a guy who was lucky to make friends with Jordan in college. So what I'm wondering is, could you fill in around the edges a little bit? What prank bear is? Maybe send me some dank memes. Maybe a few hot vids sure uh whatever it is that we put on online these days um because at the end of the day you know i mean certainly greg knows what i always say about the information super highway more like information stupor highway highway say that you do say that a lot yeah um 206-9844-FUN is our phone

number. JJGoAtMaximumFun.org is our email address. Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Doing a great job. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse. Go hit like. You can also find the Maximum Fun group on Facebook. There's a nice

chatting place. Nice vibes there. A lot of good attitudes. Oh, yeah. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.Reddit a nice chatting place, nice vibes there. A lot of good attitudes. Oh, yeah. You can find us on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Also a nice place with good attitudes. Very good attitudes.

We will talk to you... Oh, hashtag your tweets, JJ Go. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. Go.