Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 578: Sexual Ketchup with Andrew Ti

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

Andrew Ti (Yo Is This Racist?) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of strategies to hoop various video games into prison, the phenomenon of Smurfs and Snorks, Andrew's affinity for camping videos on YouTube and the overwhelming response to last week's audience participation request.    Thank you to all the new and upgrading members of Maximum Fun -- the Max Fun Drive was a huge success thanks to you!!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse the Hashman Thorn. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I know what you're thinking. I can see it in your eyes. Is it hashish? Is it corned beef hash? Let me know. Jordan? I gotta know.

I've got great news for you, my friend. It's both? Yeah. I mean, I did have a, I had a gag planned. Do you want me to just run it out here? Oh, yeah, sure. Do you want to like reset? Yeah, we could just pretend that you didn't say, is it both or corn to beef hash or hashish?

Because you really broke it down. Like, we've been working together for a long time sure yeah uh and i the way that you can tell is that you knew all of the parts of the joke that i was gonna make when you zig i ruin it you use it you also zig to stay with me yeah sure um yeah let's just zig louder i say Jesse the Hashman Thorne Jordan Morris, boy detective Jordan, I can see in your eyes, you're wondering What's with that nickname?

Yeah, well, of course I had corned beef hash for dinner Tonight, Jordan Breakfast for dinner Breakfast for dinner Always fun Couple of fried eggs, put that on top of that Also, I bought a kilo of hashish And I'm hoping you guys will help me break it down

And get it on the streets Nice, can I stick it up my ass first? Hey, yeah, is that what you do with hashish and I'm hoping you guys will help me break it down and get it on the streets. Nice. Can I stick it up my ass first? Hey, yeah. Is that what you do with hashish? Even if we're not going through customs. Oh, okay. I think my customers, they just expect the product to have been in my ass.

It's part of it. To have been ringed, I believe is what it's called. I mean, listen, the drug dealing to me, it's a side hustle. It's not my normal job. My normal job is a barista at Blue Bottle. But I just like the game so much that I like to keister a little hashish. Did you read the one Mary Roach book? Mary may have come on this show to promote this book.

Yeah. Popular comic science writer, Mary Roach, a friend of ours, wrote this book called Gulp, Adventures in the Elementary Canal. Yes. And most of it was about digestion, except for one chapter where she went to a prison and interviewed the guy there who everyone agreed was the best at hiding things in his butt. No, yeah, I missed that one. Yeah.

I got to talk to that guy. I mean, that's part of the elementary canal. Is there contact info for him in the book? He insisted on her reproducing his business card. Right. In case any- He's like, I just read Guerrilla Marketing. Sure, in case any he He's like a just-read guerrilla marketing. Sure, in case any

keisteran hobbyists want to get a hold of him. Referrals are the... Oh, so you're thinking that he's going for consulting work. Yeah, I mean, I would gladly pay him.

Listen, I just need to fucking quit Blue Bottle, man. I need to get out of that place. I know that I made it sound like I was passionate about it, but it's going nowhere. It's going to be fine, Jordan. Yeah.

You know what? Just got to get into Keister in full time. I want to make, if you, listen, if you love your work, you never work a day in your life. Right. And I love jamming drugs up the old poop chute. I was going to guess that you love sneaking a cell phone to Lil Wayne in prison. Oh, I mean, yeah, I can do that too. Sure.

I mean, whatever. That was like, I mean, like drugs were the main thing for obvious reasons. They make you feel good. Prison is hard. Sure. Many of them are highly addictive. Right. So you need it. And they're harder to obtain in prison because of the restriction of freedom of movement of both people and goods and services.

Oh, sure. You don't have to tell me. I've seen Shawshank Redemption. But it was really the other contraband items that could be – I think it was ringed to ring something. Right. To put it up through your butthole or ring. That's too – right. I think it was ringed to ring something. Right. To put it up through your butthole or ring. That's to a, right.

I believe that. Alluding to the circular No, hooping. Hooping. Hooping. Hooped. Hooping. Okay.

It's called hooping. Thank you. Now I won't sound like a dope if I say you want me to ring this for you. Yeah. You won't know what I'm talking about.

I got to hoop it. Macs are packages of mackerel that cost approximately $1 in the commissary and keep very well. So in places where cigarettes are against the rules, they use mackerel as a- What a fun detour down the road of prison economies. The point is all kinds of things would be hooped. Not even just cell phones.

Other, like a transistor radio. Sure, like a Nokia N-Gage. I guess that's a cell phone and a video game system. Yeah, technically that's both. I think you're thinking more of maybe like a Sega Game Gear. Oh, man. Those things took six AA batteries. Those things were huge.

The hooping you'd have to do. My childhood best friend, Peter Fraunfelder, he had a Game Gear. And he also had a thing that went on top of its tiny screen. Oh, so it could be a TV. No, it was a magnifying glass

to make it look like the screen was bigger. Pretty good. There's a lot of fun accessories for that Game Gear. In case you wanted to watch local TV, I think there was a little TV antenna. You got like an hour out of the six batteries. Yeah, man. I mean, you had to be passionate about gear, about worse versions of Sonic the Hedgehog yes his game gear game gear deport was we finally you finally said the secret word Sonic the

Hedgehog our guest is the host of the podcast and the creator of the legendary tumblog legendary tumblog once named once named one of the greatest tumblogs of all time yo is this racist andrew t. What up? Hi, guys. Hi. How are you, Andrew? Now I'm like pretty sure push comes to shove, I could break down the components of a Nintendo Switch. Oh, and Hoopit.

For the butt. Yeah. So what are we talking? We're talking the Switch itself, the screen. I guess the screen's kind of big. The controllers are nice and small, though. Yeah, I would say that the dock would probably be the toughest part because it's... Yeah, it always is.

It's always tough to dock a dock. Sure, yeah. To log in, if you know what we're all talking about. Because, I mean, so the Switch itself, the screen, is pretty smooth. So, I mean, obviously it's big, but it'll probably slide right in once the... I guess everything's got a jagged edge. Yeah. But there's strategies for that.

Yeah. I mean, will you wrap it first? Yeah. You gotta wrap it. You gotta wrap it. Wrap it, juice it. Gotcha, wrap it. That's actually...

Have you seen the musical Chicago? No. The famous song Mr. Cellophane is about hooping. Now that makes more sense. Do you think the phone that went to Lil Wayne was a smartphone? I mean, it seems like... Just a landline?

I guess what I mean, it feels like the old Nokias were designed for the bug. Oh, yeah. At least you'd like it to be a princess phone, not one of those classic landlines with a hamburger phone.

Oh, that's fun. Just another fun, kitschy element to it. You know what it seems like would be a good one would be a Sports Illustrated football phone. That seems like it would slide right in. Or, I mean, I don't know what his favorite comic strip character is, but Garfield. That's a fun phone. Yeah. It'll do some prison status.

You guys see that Twitter thing about all the Garfield phones washing up on a beach in France? Do tell. I guess there's a beach in France that Do tell. I guess there's been a there's a beach in France that like, you know, fairly frequently. No ladies wear no pants. Right.

I guess. I've got a hole in the wall I think you'd be interested in. There was a mystery that Garfield phones kept washing up on shore. Really? Over decades.

Yeah, over decades. Over a period of decades. Why? It turned out just a shipping container of Garfield phones. But it's still pretty cool. Over a period of decades. Why? It turned out just a shipping container of Garfield phones. But it's still pretty cool. My favorite part of that whole story, well, my first, my initial favorite part was that

it was pieces of Garfield phones. Like, it wasn't whole Garfield phones. It was, you'd get, like, one Garfield eye or whatever. And you're like, Nermal's behind this. Yeah. We all know that. And Nermal finally got his revenge. Got it. Her revenge? I don't know what Nermal's behind this. We all know that. Nermal finally got his revenge. Got it.

Her revenge? I don't know what Nermal's gender was. Yeah, anyway. Who knows? The best part to me was that in the end, after decades of French villagers

wondering why pieces of Garfield phones were washing up on their beach, and it being international news for decades from time to time, a local old-timer remembered, oh, yeah, there's a container of Garfield phones in a cave. How did they—did pirates take them? I could not tell you. Are the pirates coming back for the Garfield phones?

I could not tell you, but I just like that this local old-timer was like, hell, it's been 40 years, and don't nobody know where those Garfield phone parts came from. Is that your impression of a French old person? Okay, do you want me to do a French guy? That was just an old-timer. I would love to. It's like a French reporter trying to get to the bottom of this, right? Oh, yeah, sure.

Or not. It has been for decades. See, that's great. That the phone parts have been washing up on our bitch. Do you think they have? Do you think they have Garfield in France? But I'll tell you this. There can be only one explanation.

I think it might be that container of Garfield phone parts I saw a long time ago and have not mentioned until now. Brian, can you drop in some accordion music behind that? That would really help. I feel like that turned a little bit into when Dave Foley plays the trapper, the French-Canadian trapper. Anyway, RIP Agnes Varda. Sure, at RIP, thousands of Garfield phones. Gone too soon. Obviously,

if it was a bunch of, I'm going to say Tintin phones? What are those people like? Yeah, Tintin. Tintin or Asterisk. He has Asterisk to call. What is up with? Oh, don't get me started on boring European children's fair. Jordan is so mad about boring European children's fair.

I assume we're the plots of all of those. They're trying to get like waffles or something. Yeah. Oh, shit. Right. Creps probably. Yeah. Get a crep.

Who knows what's happening with those. Do you think Moomins might just be a crepe. Who knows what's happening with those? That's what, do you think Moomins might just be a pile of crepes? What's Moomins? That's something that you- That's another French. Yeah, it's like a thing. Maybe it might be Danish or-

Are they hippopotamuses? Sort of. They're like if hippopotamuses were composed of a pile of crepes. Yeah. Yeah. The main thing we, the main thing that worked here in America is Smurfs

for some reason. Oh yeah, sure. America has rejected Tintin so many times. Yeah. But Smurfs were all over. Yeah, sure.

And then to the point where we needed Snorks. We're like, oh. I do like Snorks. We love Smurfs so much we want an underwater variant. Yeah.

That's what we said with our dollars toy dollars they did a remarkable they were really invested in making sure it was clear that we all understood those blowholes where their noses yep on snorks how so how did they clarify you know anytime like oh something smells good it was a little little perky blowhole yeah i assume they did a lot of cocaine. Just taking it all the way back. Right.

They had a lot of energy. They sure were. They were energetic little guys. Remember that one episode where that little purple one had a deviated septum? Right. They get deviated septum surgery. Oh, man. I learned a lot from that episode.

Too much blow. What can I say? I went skiing a lot this summer. It's hard to fuck. They did say all those things. They did say

that is a transcript. Yeah. The record industry was crazy in the 80s. I guess I'm trying to decide between calling it snork dio 54 or studio 50 snork oh i love them both i'm gonna slight lean towards studio 50 snork i guess that's a little clearer i think yeah but yeah i love it yeah i'm on board for all of it yeah um cocaine The cocaine, you mean. Yes. Oh, do you guys want to stop doing the podcast and go look for some blow?

Oh, I thought you said, do you guys want to stop doing cocaine in the studio that we're doing right now? I don't. Absolutely not. Yeah, I'm voting against stopping doing cocaine. I could probably give us a little cocaine if you just give me a minute to get my pants off. Yeah. A little. Maybe if Brian has a rubber glove back there.

A little Astro Glide. We'll be blowing rails in no time, fellas. And we can also play some Smash Brothers. I think I got a Switch up there, too. We'll be back. Who are you guys mainin'? Who are you guys mainin' in Smash? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.

It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan? Yes. Every week, every single week,

we are brought to you by all of the members of Maximum Fun. We've gone to MaximumFun.org. This week being the week after the MaxFunDrive is no exception. We tip our caps to every single member. Yeah, thank you. Huge success. We are also brought to you this week by our friends at Zip.

Recruiter? I thought you were going to finish the name of the company, but I'm happy to help out. I kind of got caught up in different awkward ways I could say it, but I think as a call-in response it works, too. I think it worked great. We should start a go-go band. That would be amazing. Hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, but today, hiring can be easy.

I hate that shit. You only have to go to one place to get it done, and that's our friends at Zip. Recruiter! That's right. Dunk-a-dunk-a-dunk-a-dunk-a-dunk-a-dunk-a-dunk. The old bump set spike. That's a go-go beat, by the way.

Zip Recruiter sends your job to over 100 of the world's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. They use powerful matching technology to scan thousands of resumes to find people of the world's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. They use powerful matching technology to scan thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply for your job. Oh, man.

ZipRecruiter is so effective, it says here, that 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day? The first day? Day one? And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo.

That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. JJGo stands for Jordan and Jesse. It does. It does. That's our show, Jordan. What a beautiful way to advertise that particular website. We're also this week brought to you by our friends at Green Chef, a USDA certified organic company that includes everything you need to cook quick and easy recipes that are delicious and ones that you can feel good about. Now, I know what you're saying, Jordan.

What am I saying? I have particular dietary interests. Sure, maybe you're paleo, vegan, keto, gluten-free. More. Others. keto, gluten-free. More. Others. But Green Chef has plans for all

of these dietary preferences. Yeah, and the plan is they're going to provide you with food. That's right. You can enjoy clean ingredients that you can trust, seasonally sourced for peak freshness. I'm so sick of those nasty, filthy ingredients. Give me the clean ones.

I like my freshness at its peak. I'm so sick of those nasty, filthy ingredients. Give me the clean ones. Give me the clean stuff. I like my freshness at its peak. Let Green Chef do the meal planning, grocery shopping, and most of the prep for you week after week. And if you want $50 off your first box of Green Chef, you know where to go? GreenChef.us, not.com, greenchef.us slash JJGO, and you get $50 off your first box of Green Chef. I've cooked with them. It's delicious.

I can confirm. I can confirm that Green Chef meals are tasty, easy, and taste easy. Jordan. Yes. The ZipRecruiter one was ziprecruiter.com slash JJGO, and that stood for Jordan, Jesse ZipRecruiter one was ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. And that stood for Jordan Jesse Go. But there's a note here that it says for $50 off your first box of Green Chef, go to GreenChef.us.jjgo. Slash JJGo, sure.

Why does it say here that that stands for Juergen Jordan Go? Oh, boy, This is embarrassing. I've got another podcast with someone named Juergen. He's a professional snowboarder, and he's bad at podcasting. Oh, man. But. This is like I didn't expect. Yeah, this is probably a mistake in the ad copy. But. I was getting ad copy, yeah. But.

I was getting replaced by a professional snowboarder. Yeah, but I mean, listen. Who's bad at podcasting. I mean, I must be even worse at podcasting. God knows I'm worse at snowboarding. It's not a competition, but I mean, yeah. Snowboarding is often a competition. Yeah, that's true.

And I mean, there's rankings in podcasting. So yeah, I mean, I guess.boarding is often a competition. Yeah, that's true. And, I mean, there's rankings in podcasting. Mm-hmm. So, yeah, I mean, I guess. What am I, dead last? No, you're not dead last. You're not dead last. I'm not dead last. You're not dead last.

You're one or two from the back. So, it's Don and Drew and me. Yes. Oh, wow. Greenchef.us slash JJGO. me yes oh wow green chef dot us slash jj go and remember that stands for jordan go see you at home jurgen you're living with yes we live together it's one of those are you lovers no we're roommates but But roommates with benefits. Listen, that's between me and Juergen.

He's prettier than I am, isn't he? He's a professional snowboarder. Yeah, the guy looks great. Fuck! He looks great. What doesn't Juergen have? One of his eyes. He lost an eye.

He's prettier than me and he's only got one eye. Yeah, it looks great on him. After losing one of his eyes in a snowboarding accident? Yeah, you know how... Why wasn't he wearing goggles? Didn't want to cover up those pretty eyes, of course. Now that I think about it, it seems obvious. Baby blue. Baby blue now, but...

We'll be back in just a second on what I guess is the last Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is Andrew. Never heard that one before. T, Mr. T. That's right. I can see there's some baggage there. I was sensing some baggage. Mr. T. People called me Michael Jordan a lot growing up. That's pretty good.

People would call me Michael Jordan. Or Jordash. Jordash Jeans. I had multiple sports coaches ironically call me Jesse the Body Ventura. That's fun. That's nice. But, yeah, I think when you are – I mean I don't know what your past sporting history was like. I was bad at most sports.

So when people called me Michael Jordan, it seemed ironic. Oh, that's not nice. I didn't like it. I was pretty yoked when I was – Oh, yeah. That's true. Well, again, a lot of steroids yeah it was sort of an appreciation of my ripped

physique when they were calling Jesse the body if anything it was kind of a diss to Jesse Ventura yeah you'll never live up to he had to juice in order to get the bod the natural that you were just bringing to the table I would just be like pow pow you know what I mean

anyway speaking of Sonic the Hedgehog. Sure, let's get back. Let's get back to what the people want. A listener sent us this week, and I'm sorry, listener, I couldn't find the tweet that you sent to us. I had to Google it to find the picture. But this is a real product that Brian will post a picture of on our Facebook page. But it's called Daddy's Tomato Ketchup. And it is Sonic the Hedgehog branded.

Wow. Okay. Look at this thing. I mean, geez. Okay. Yeah. It is those things. Oh, Daddy's Ketchup. Yeah. I ketchup yeah i see it i see i put on my

podcasting glasses just for this moment is that a type of ketchup you're already familiar with that no it's not that is the most upsetting thing i've seen is it blue do you think oh boy do you remember when heinz had that weird green ketchup and whatnot yeah i never tried any alternate ketchup yeah i do like ketchup a lot yeah i mean So, I mean, I would be into trying it. Have y'all had banana ketchup before? No, uh-uh. It's a Filipino thing. Really?

What would you put banana ketchup on? Great question. I don't really know. Just think. Yeah, okay. It's kind of weirdly, though, it's made from bananas. I believe it has a little, it's still red. Okay.

A little bit more orangey than, but it – just a slightly sweeter ketchup. Interesting. I'd like to try. It's mostly vinegar-based. I'm on board. I'm on board for banana ketchup. Sounds great to me. I guess I should have said you put it on bananas.

I'm just coming with – I don't know. It's fun. People just can go back in their heads. Yeah, just imagine. Just enjoy that remark. What do you put it on? Bananas. Bananas.

I found the Sonic the Hedgehog ketchup, by the way, after Googling it. Yeah, tell us about it. Because that would look to be a, I would think that if someone sent that to you, they would have Photoshopped it in order to get mentioned on the show, which it is. It's being mentioned on the show, but it is a real product? No, this is a real product, and I found it here on SegaCollection.com.

Sure. Uncovering new territory since 1999. And I don't know, you could probably see... By the way, thank you, Jesse, for directing people to my website. You can see the layout of this website. It is definitely since 1999. Why change?

Online at SegaCollection.com. It's one of the obscure Sega of the week. And it says, in this feature, I will weekly look at one of the more obscure items Sega released over the years. I think we got a new Jordan Jesse Go segment. Food, toys, weird merchandise, etc. Okay, so it's a number one is Sonic Ketchup. It says, what is it?

Well, basically, it's just a bottle of ketchup in the form of, quote, the hedgehog, unquote. Wow. I'm sure it's a loaded, more loaded term for that website. We know what we mean by the hedgehog.

Right. Licensed by H.E. Is there any other hedgehog not to us licensed by hp food in 1991 this bottle contains 425 milliliters of lovely ketchup good 125 milliliters so that's then it's half a liter yeah It says, what's the purpose? And it says, hmm, just to serve Sonic fans with their own ketchup, really. Let me think about that. For use with steaks, burgers, and lots of other things, probably. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's impossible to say for sure.

Is it European? It's English. English. Okay. So, yeah. Daddies. European? It's English. English. Okay. So, yeah. Daddy's. But I mean, I think daddy has only recently taken on a sexual connotation. So, I mean, even in 1999, I don't think anybody was looking at that sideways.

That's probably fair. This person also has a Sega Saturn apron. Wow. So, you could have a whole Sega barbecue. Good. Yeah. Yeah. You could find a few Echo the Dolphin hot dogs.

Sure, yeah. Made from 100% dolphin meat. Light your Vectorman tiki torches. Some Sega Freaks collector cards. Sonic also had HP branded pasta in the UK. Hey. Good God. The UK went, they were Sonic crazy

over there, it sounds like. Was that like in a can? Maybe like a... Oh, like a Chef Boyardee type thing? Yeah, that would be HP sauces.

I find it very unpleasant. Yeah, I'm not nuts about it either. Yeah. The British are not great at food. But, I mean, I'd love some

Daddy's Sonic ketchup. Yeah. I mean, and I think and it is custom made for our show because it looks so much like a butt plug, the shape of the bottle. So, I mean, I'd love some Daddy's Sonic Ketchup. Yeah. I mean, and I think, and it is custom made for our show because it looks so much like a butt plug, the shape of the bottle. So, I mean, I think that's the kind of other factor making it. And it's not that foreign change milliliters. That's like half a bottle of wine.

So, assuming the glass ain't too thick. It's probably aged very nicely by now. Oh, yeah. If you can get your hands on some Daddy's Sonic Ketchup, we will drink it on air. Yep. We'll tell you about the bouquet. I want to be clear. We will not drink it on air.

Yes, man. Pulling backwards an enormous hand truck covered in boxes with weird travel stamps on them from all over the world of our listeners sending us Sonic the Hedgehog ketchup. Just like in Paddington 3. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's a classic Paddington 3 situation. Remember when Paddington got really into talking about weird Sonic the Hedgehog? I have not seen the Paddington got really into talking about weird Sonic the Hedgehog. I have not seen the Paddington films.

It falls under the category of boring European children's fair. Initially, I've been told the movies are good. I heard they're good. Initially, at the beginning, he's into marmalade. Later, he gets into Sonic pasta. Marmalade kind of elides into daddy's ketchup anyway in many ways. Sure. It's kind of the same shit, right?

Yeah. One leads to the other. The Paddington movies are varied. I've heard. I've heard. I've watched them with my children. One of them totally traumatized one of my kids because- What happened?

There's a scene where the first one- Paddington lost his knickers. Oh, mama, my knickers. That's what they say. What will I wear to market, mama? This is the plot of all of these. Oh, that's pretty close. No, what happens in... A button fell off my shoe.

Call the constable. He is climbing through a furnace duct. No. And the flames of the furnace- It's a little more action-packed than that. Jesus. Lick him on his tushy. And that is-

My daughter is very afraid of fire. Yeah. And so that was very upsetting to her. Yeah. Otherwise, a very sweet movie. Okay. Also, the origin- That literally is in the first act of Suicide Squad also. Oh. oh, Furnace Man. Yeah. I mean, it's scary. They're making a suit. I don't know if you guys heard this. They're making a Suicide Squad to have a boring European.

Paddington is replacing Will Smith. Oh, right. Sure. But he's also playing Deadshot, though. He's not a new character. Yeah, yeah. They're going to give him a new outfit, but he's going to keep his special red jacket. Sure, yeah. It's not Deadshot unless he's got the special red jacket. Guys. Yes.

So last week on the program, for your benefit, Andrew, we got into it with special guest actual artist Amy Mann. I'm just as much of an artist in many regards, you know, just a hit artist. Oh boy. All right. I can live up to this. Let's go. Let's go. We got into it. You're doing great. You're doing great.

I can live up to the precedent set by, amazing artist actual artist amy man we've been doing some polling of our audience great informal polling sure audience and we've been asking them about various parts of their lives so a few weeks ago on the show we asked how many of our listeners owned fezes it turned out a shit ton of them did. I could have just told you that. I've been on this show for 20 minutes. I get it. It was a Fez vibe.

We have Fez energy. BFE? Yeah. Jordan asked how many of our listeners owned drug rugs. The popular stoner cliche pullover sweatshirt. Is that just a poncho kind of? Well, it could be a poncho, but it could also – Jordan was specifically thinking of the one that's shaped like a hoodie. Yeah.

Baja, I think, is the actual name. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. But, yeah, I think we were kind of – anything in that kind of woven space we were allowing. And I think it did not quite beat Fez, but I think also a factor was that people who own drug rugs forgot to call in until later. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, was it Fez versus drug rug?

It was Fez versus drug rug. Fez versus drug rug. Yeah, Fez ran away with it. I mean, Fez is still, I mean, we're kind of trying to beat Fes as we speak, and it does not happen. We had tried to beat Fes also with non-sporting bowling shoes. Bowling shoes, how many of our listeners had owned and worn bowling shoes outside of a bowling context? Yeah. I felt good about that one, I think.

Maybe it's just a product of Jordan and my micro-generation. Although Amy, who is a Gen Xer, Amy recognized having gone through a bowling shoes phase in the mid to late 1980s. That's what I would have thought. Bowling shoes was a little more Gen X-y. Do you have any of this stuff that we've mentioned? Were any of these things part of your phases? I mean, definitely not.

The closest, I guess, would be, although I will say the thing that ties them all together except for the bowling shoes and this whole show still is hashish. So those things, that is fez fez is right that's what the ottoman empire was all about i don't know you you might be you might want to call into your own show hey don't know what's happening um if you could could you do this with your listeners could you say okay you you, many of you have a blank. Oh, you know what it's not enough of is Yosus racist merchandise. Oh, yeah.

We could always stand to move a few more units. I'm going to go with, I mean, the boring version is probably we highly over-index for things like Black Lives Matter t-shirts. Yeah. Y'all probably have a pretty decent sampling of that too. Yep. Yeah. Let's say – Initially our thinking on this was what did we have more than people who were in active throuples wasn't it i mean i think it i think it started with jeopardy contestants jeopardy

contestants yeah i know here's what i think we're saving throuple in case i mean that's our nuclear option yes for fez if we need to take out fez we do throuples and then we burn this fucker down jeopardy's hard obviously limited by just limited by just three shows a week. Sure. Or three contestants per show, five shows a week. Andrew, we have two listeners currently competing in the same Jeopardy tournament. Is that? That's what we learned.

Yeah, we had a lot of them. It was really like- Good lordy. It was a real surprise. So yeah, so we're trying to beat pheasants. Yeah. And so we had two dueling ideas last week. And I think the outcome, just having chatted with producer Brian before, the outcome was pretty spectacular actually.

I think he said he has spent, quote unquote, all weekend going through the calls. I want to – so the two options that were presented – before we get into Brian revealing any results here, the two options that were presented were Amy and I think Jordan lined up with Amy were suggesting the number of listeners who've been in a cover band, which we specifically defined as a cover band for which you were paid with no more than two original songs in your set. Perfect. And payment also, Jordan clarified this, payment could also include drink tickets if otherwise the drinks, you would get charged for them. Yeah. So like not if you're at a house party so the drinks are just in a big ice bucket and you get free drinks. Right, right, right. If it's like at a club and you got four drink tickets

but everybody else would have had to pay $4 for the drinks. That's currency. Drink tickets is good as cash. There's coffee shops too. I think we could use coffee shop in this as well.

Yeah. I countered with how many of our listeners have been in a submarine. Been in a submarine. And during the show, so this is what I wanted to mention before we get into the results. During the show, so this is what I wanted to mention

before we get into the results. During the show, Amy was nice enough to text our friend John Roderick, host of Maximum Fun's own Friendly Fire, a war movie podcast, and also legitimate rock star, just like Amy.

It's fun that they all text each other, isn't it? It is. It's really fun. That's fun. God. Do you think they all text with like Elvis isn't it? It is. It's really fun. That's fun. God. Do you think they all text with like Elvis Costello too? Oh, I don't know. Definitely the guy from the Postal Service. Yeah, there you go.

I don't know about Elvis. Hold steady, guys, on that chain. Yeah, Craig Finn, shoot him a text. Finn loves GIFs. I shook hands with Craig Finn when he was hanging out with John Roderick once. See? There you go. Finn with these GIFs.

I know. Oh, boy Finn with these GIFs. I know. Oh, boy. Always texting GIFs. It's like, get your own thought. Just text, how are you? I don't know. What am I supposed to say to that?

What do you want, a novel? So Amy texted John Roderick and asked him whether he had ever been on a submarine because he wants to be very clear. He clarified in the text thread he's not a nerd. But he is definitely a real military hardware enthusiast. Sure. Sure. He grew up in Alaska.

He knows – he's got a reason to care about boats and planes. These are important modes of conveyance there. These are important modes of conveyance there. So he immediately sent two pictures of him on two different submarines. Wow. Say, here I am on the USS Kentucky ballistic missile sub. Then he says, this is an active submarine. And then Amy said, oh, my goodness.

And then he sent a picture of him with the chief of undersea warfare for the Navy. The boss of all submarines. And John Roderick are standing here on a submarine. Oh, my gosh. In this picture that he just sent. That tracks. Incredible. And then he made it clear. He said, I was in a real boomer, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And then later, he just wanted to let everybody know. He said, I was in, I was in a real boomer, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And then later he just, he just wanted to let everybody know. He said, it's important at this juncture, uh, to remind you guys, I'm not a nerd. I'm a cool,

cool, cool guy. Cool guy. He's, uh, uh, if there's, if there's similar,

um, or since there's restrictions on the definition of cover band, are, did you guys end up putting restrictions on active versus inactive submarine? No. However, there was a submarine restriction, which was that theme park submarines only counted if they were not on a track. So the Disney one. The Disney submarine, that does not count.

I feel like I've been in a submarine in like a naval museum type situation. So this we did allow. A dry, both wet and dry sub. Sure. Which are also... They're central categories. Sure. Or whether they have vinegar on them.

Yeah. Subway eat fresh everywhere. Now, guys. Yeah, you got to eat fresh, guys. Come on. If there's one thing to take away from this podcast, eat fresh. Eat fresh.

Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, our producer, is – What if we start calling him Brian Eat Fresh Fernandez? New nickname. Are you cool with that? I like it. He's nodding. Okay. So, Brian, you got a lot of communications at JJGoAtMaximumFun.org on this topic.

Yeah. This weekend was wild for me. Okay. I just want to throw in five people told me that they've been in a submarine. They told me personally on Twitter that they've been in a submarine, and most of them clarified that they were too lazy to try and remember how to tell you, Brian. So they just told me. So plus five to the number. Yeah, plus five.

And earlier today, I was in two submarines. What? Two different submarines earlier today. How'd you do that? I went to San Diego with my daughter, Grace, to go to the San Francisco Giants game last night. We stayed in a special hotel that is attached to the baseball stadium. Okay. It has its own little bridge that goes into the baseball stadium.

Fun. Had a lot of fun, took a train down. And then our train wasn't until 1.30 this afternoon, so I opened up my phone and I opened up Yelp and I typed in kid shit or something. Oh, I thought you just typed submarine. What are subs at? I typed in hoagie and I was very disappointed when I got to the Maritime Museum.

I typed in, you know, kid activities or something like that. I wanted something to soak up the time between 8 a.m. and 1.30 p.m. I noticed there was a Maritime Museum. And it was that or us. An early morning thing of us. Kids got to see us. It's on the tip of everybody's tongue right now

sure so we went down to the Maritime Museum in San Diego which has the real boat that was actually in Master and Commander

which is basically the most powerful dad power move in the history of the world sure yeah great turtle naming in that movie

oh everything about turtle naming scenes everything about that movie is great That's a great movie It had a few other different types of ships It had a beautiful yacht It had a late 19th century

Ferry boat With a lot of beautiful interior work Of course I'm Andrew for your benefit I'm not the kind of Guy who nerds out over military hardware. Sure. How could anyone? That's a cool thing to do.

That's something for a cool. Antique interiors, it would be a, that's a prime, take me to your great houses, I say. Yeah. When I visit. Take me on your architectural tours. Yeah. When I visit, take me on your architectural tours. So I was really into the detail work inside of the Victorian ferry boat.

Yeah. And it included both an American diesel electric sub and a Russian nuclear sub, which was involved in a deadly game of brinksmanship during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Sounds exciting. Yeah, it was all very, very exciting. And now it's in San Diego. Right. San Diego, perhaps America's most exciting city. Mm-hmm.

Hard to say. It's either San Diego or New York. Can I tell you the city slogan I thought of for San Diego? Which is, by the way, a wonderful place to visit. Lovely town. Sure. Beautiful weather. Now to slag them off. Very relaxed.

It is San Diego colon city of golf pros. Oh, sure. Tony Hawk lives there, too. Yeah. And Tony Hawk. He's a chill dude. He's totally a chill dude. So, yeah.

So I've been in two submarines just today. Today. Pretty good. Diesel electric. A diesel electric and a nuclear. None of that shit should be underwater. That's a good point. Take that coral reef.

At most it should be orca powered. I mean something. Echo the dolphin should be powering that. Just tie your shit to Echo. If you can't get it to be Echo the dolphin-powered, why not Echo and the bunnyman-powered? Yeah. Or, yeah. Or the knack.

Yeah. What are those guys up to? Just riding a bike to power the submarine. Yeah. That's how it probably works. Isn't that how those old, I don't know, the Civil War era. You're talking about the Monitor and the Merrimack? How the hell was that powered?

Coal? Yeah, I think those must have been coal powered. Jesus Christ. Or Kraftwerk. The really good one. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Or Kraftwerk. The really good one. One of the two. The really good one is the like revolutionary war era submarine.

Yeah. That is like a round ball the size of a man with a bicycle inside it and a hand turned screw. Yes. The idea was that you could go up to the side of a wooden boat underneath the water and then turn the screw until there was a hole in the hull and the boat sank. It is amazing that at one point warfare was conducted by people that have ideas not much better than like a five-year-old. Like that's how I – when I had Legos was like this is my great military invention. Yeah. A ball with a screw. It is amazing, like, even being in those submarines,

you realize as you look at it, like, this is just half a step up above something someone made in their backyard. Yeah. Like, you're wearing a NASA T-shirt, for the listeners at home can't see you, but I just saw this documentary. Oh, can they?

They're watching now. Are you astrally projecting into their homes? Oh, yes. I would have dressed up had I known you were astral projecting. Well, yeah, I'm just projecting, I guess, all of us in this configuration into everyone's car, actually. So we're sitting shotgun and backseat. Oh, that's nice. Nice cup holders back here.

I know, it's nice. I saw this amazing documentary called Apollo 11. I don't know if you saw it. I did not. It's in theaters right now about the moon mission. And it has a bunch of footage, like 65 millimeter large format footage that they shot as the rocket ship was rolling into place on its enormous rolling platform.

And when it's that big and it's up on a movie screen, you're looking at it and you're thinking, like, just an uncle made that with a soldering iron. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, there's no way that that went into space and then part of it came back impossible oh man i most engineering ultimately are like this is it i have a uh one of my cousins uh works for boeing and he's like I don't know, literally like a rocket scientist, I guess, or aerospace engineer, whatever. That guy shouldn't be. Listen.

This guy's a little bit of a... I know this guy. He's an idiot. I don't know if you ever brought this up with him. But there's something that's really kind of been sticking in my craw for a long time about aerospace engineering. And maybe you could write it by him.

Please, yeah, absolutely, I will. Why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box? ATM machine. The AM stands for machine while we're at it. That makes more sense. Share with him my strong feelings about the Oxford comma.

Brian, do we have some calls on the matter of submarine versus... Where are we at, Brian? Submarines. You don't have to tell us the score, but what do we got? Calls? What do we got? Spill the beans, Fernandez! I'll give you some stats here.

I got 331 emails. Holy shit. Wow. That is crazy. 122 calls. We don't pay you very much, Brian. I mean, it's not nothing, but. Right.

Well, yeah, this took, it actually took about seven hours to go through everything this weekend. More work than all 12 years of JJ Go! Yeah, I think it actually is. So, yeah, we've never had this kind of outpouring. In fact, in the time that we've started the show to the time that we're recording right now, this instant, we've gotten three emails. Oh, boy. Wow.

People are fired up. Jeez. And so we also did get – we got nine more Fezzes. We got 16 more drug rugs. I love how late the drug rugs are coming out. Yeah, that's great. So I'll give you some fun facts people laid on me here. The Torsk in Baltimore – so there's a lot of subs around the country.

Some places they're called hoagies. Yeah, that's right. Others, grinders. In Pittsburgh, they're called grinders. The Torsk in Baltimore is actually painted to look like a shark. Fun. That's fun. That is fun.

Scary. Now, is it a shark? I think it's just painted to look like one. So you don't have to run away from it. I don't think it's an action. But I would punch it in the nose, though. Just in case. Just in case.

It's cartilage. Right. Yeah. The one in San Francisco was used in the movie Down Periscope. That's called the Pampanito, I think.

It was Patton Oswalt's big break. Sure. The one in Portland, you can, actually, you can stay overnight in a lot of them.

There's a lot of Boy Scouts that did some staying overnight in. In submarines? Yeah, you can take a trip and stay overnight in a submarine. I stayed overnight in a tall ship them. There's a lot of Boy Scouts that did some staying overnight in... In submarines? Yeah, you can take a trip and stay overnight in a submarine. I stayed overnight in a tall ship. That's fun. In elementary school, the Balclutha.

It's the sister ship of the ship from Master and Commander. Can you rent them out for naval sexual fantasies? You know, I don't know. No one wrote in about that, but I bet you could. All my sexual fantasies involved in it. Yeah.

Right. So the one in the orange you're talking about, right? The one in Portland is the USS Blueback, and that one was the one in Hunt for Red October. Fun. Is that Portland, Oregon or Portland, Maine? Oregon. Oregon. Okay.

The OMSI, I think, it's at that. Oh, the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry? That's right. The OMSI, I think, it's at that. Oh, the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry? That's right. Somebody called and said they went on a tour of a submarine on a date with a member of their polycule. Okay.

Somebody wrote in and said they were stationed on the USS San Francisco in San Diego from 2011 to 2014. Oh, that's pretty cool and he said the best part was driving the submarine on the surface from the bridge and conducing practice or emergency blows um where they would like you know dive down quick into the water and he said the worst part is when someone screws up a valve line and poop and other bodily fluids leak inside and then it smells like death until you can air it out. So you're just trapped with it. Oof. Wow.

I don't want to be trapped with my poops. You know, Jordan, I've never piloted a submarine. But while I was in the submarine earlier today, I did acquire the nickname Silent Potentiator. Okay. Right. You don't show up on radar. Yeah. And so those are the sub facts there's also some fun uh uh cover band stuff um there was a weezer cover band that only played pinkerton

yep okay sure that tracks um wait hold on yeah i'm not a weezer person is pinkerton the one that makes people mad is that the one that's the one everyone hates right it's complicated and I second one yeah yeah it's the one that people hated initially but now we'll tell you is one of the good ones okay but it has a lot of embarrassingly bad songs on it but that embarrasses that just means it was the the subsequent like albums three through ten have been so bad that it elevated Weezer shit's complicated who knows

what's going on with those guys I think they're currently covering Echo and the Bunnymen right yes exactly and so yeah so that tracks that our listenership would have a Weezer cover band that only does one particular album. There was a cover band named Rumpled Fez.

Okay. A little crossover there. What were they a cover band of? He didn't say. Can we figure it out? Exotica. Sure. Island music.

Playing lounge hits. Yep. And so there are some questions about what constitutes a cover band. Because a guy who played Dixieland Jazz, which is no original songs, but it's not exactly a cover band in the traditional sense. So we may need a ruling on that. If you're playing music from the era when the top-selling type of music was sheet? Mm-hmm. No. I think we should allow anything that is a band but not an orchestra.

Okay. I think – Oh, yeah. There were classical people called in, too. Yeah. I don't think an orchestra counts. Even if the whole point is to like – like in jazz music, the goal is not to – it's about creating a new thing from a sort of structure. I would say under that logic like 99 percent of jazz bands are cover bands.

Yeah. Including high school bands. Sure. Who are often hired to play weddings. They're just playing Naima or whatever. Yeah. That would be an amazing high school jazz band that plays Naima, by the way. I think that counts, right?

A high school jazz band that plays weddings for money? Why is that not cover band? It's not cover. I feel like if the high school jazz band plays weddings for money, and they're playing Celebration, even if it's an instrumental version of Celebration, I'm comfortable with that being a cover band. Even if it's an instrumental version of Celebration, I'm comfortable with that being a cover band. But if they're playing, I think even if they're playing, you know, Pennsylvania 6-5000 or whatever, even that is a stretch.

Like a swing band. Is that not a cover band? Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, I think that is, if it really is a swing band. I would argue even more restrictive, though. I envision, and maybe this is just wholly incorrect, that cover bands, when I think of cover bands, it's a band that only plays the songs of one other band. Now, this did come up on Reddit and on Twitter. I think we have given clearance to multi-band cover bands.

Because certainly a bar band or a wedding band that plays other people's songs might not be as thematized as Minikiss or whatever. ACD She. But that's nonetheless appropriate. It's a real one. We only had about 20% of our cover bands

were single band cover bands. Oh, interesting. That's a good percentage though, Brian. Thank you for doing that math. One band that just did Halloween songs. Now that is fun. Yeah. To me, that

is fun. That's fun. You know, my best friend... So they just oscillate between Monster Mash and Dead Man's Park. Yeah. And then the theme to Halloween. Oh, yeah. Maybe Monsters. Throw the Monsters to Halloween. Oh, yeah. Maybe monsters, throw the monsters in there. Oh, sure. My best friend Peter Fraunfelder from childhood,

the aforementioned Peter Fraunfelder. Yeah, the Game Gear owner. Pete was in a band called Trainwreck Riders, is in a band called Trainwreck Riders in San Francisco, and Trainwreck Riders every year would reconstitute themselves for Lebowski Fest as, they were like an alt-country kind of band, and they would reconstitute themselves once a year as a credence band. Oh, okay. And only sing credence songs, but only once a year for Lebowski Fest. Gotcha.

And I would have accepted that. Yeah. An existing band who has some sort of cover I just think the jazz band is where it goes too far because I think the form of jazz is just so much that widens it too much I feel

I'm with you Andrew and I feel also practically no jazz bands call themselves a cover band yeah okay well yeah let's do it do we have calls to to, or are you just going to reveal the stats? No, most of the calls were just, yep, I've been in this sub, been in that sub. Here's a list of subs. One guy called from a sub.

I guess we could listen to that guy if you want. Might be kind of fun. Okay. Here it is. Bing. Bing. Bing. It's me in the radar.

A guy did call in to criticize our our uh characterization of the sonar as ping he was like it's more like a whale like a a high pitched higher pitched whale noise and what the hell's going bing bing bing hey you know what i can admit when i'm wrong i'll apologize i apologize to the sonar community and i can just promise to try and do better moving forward. Okay, here's the guy from the sub. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is Carl calling from San Diego currently. I am calling from inside a submarine at the San Diego Maritime Museum. Hey.

You can hear the informational TV behind me here. That's the Russian one. That's the one with the TVs in it. Cool. Russians. Have a good show. The thing that happened is that it got surrounded by American warships. They got caught. And then they were too far underwater to get radio.

And they didn't know whether there had been war between the U.S. and Russia. So they ordered a nuclear strike, and then somebody on board objected in case there wasn't war. Sure. Anyway, they stayed underwater until their batteries ran out, and then they had to surface. When they surfaced, they found out that there was no war. So they basically filibustered the end of human civilization. Yes. Wow.

One guy. Yeah. Just like, no, no, no, no, let's wait, let's wait, let's wait, let's wait. There's literally like an informational sign that says, did this man save the world? Wow. This is a really bad picture of him. He's got his eyes closed. Yeah.

Exactly. Just by dawdling. Yeah. I mean, I'm on pins and needles. It sounds like, just based on, you know, Brian said, you know, 300 calls, 100 emails. Yeah. Whatever we have here is beating Fez. Yeah.

Because what's the count of Fezes right now? Fez? So with the tally, this week, last week we hit 100. Amy was our 100th Fez. Oh, yeah. She doesn't listen to this show. Take her off. So if we count her, we got 9. She only listens to

Rogan, which is weird. Mark Rogan, yeah. So we're at 109 Fez's. Okay. Drug works were somewhere in the 80s, I think. Sure, yeah. And bowling shoes were somewhere, actually were also somewhere in the 80s, I think. Sure. Yeah. And bowling shoes were somewhere actually were also somewhere in the eighties, I think so. Um,

cause we got 17 bowling shoes this week as well. Um, so yeah, whatever she's late to the party. Yeah. A little bit. Um, whatever wins slippery this week is the way it,

yes. Okay. Took on Fez. Wow. Uh, what do we got? So, um,

okay. So I'll start with the cover band here. We should explain what we have riding on this. Nothing. Whoever wins gets to ritually murder whoever loses. When did we talk about that? That never came up. We got into a whole thing about the Mesoamerican ball game and cutting off heads.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. The torso. The giant rubber waistbands. You have more than one podcast. That was on the double. That was on the double. Was that on the double? Sean Hodgman?

It was on the Doughboys double. The podcast the Doughboys do for Patreon subscribers, yes. Well, you know, just take comfort in there's always double or nothing. Do you think the Doughboys, do you think more people listen to the Patreon-only Doughboys extra episode? Yes. Yes. God damn it. Certainly.

Almost certainly. They're good guys. They're talented. They deserve it, I guess. Yeah, really funny. They came up with an idea that people liked. Well, let's hear it, Brian. Okay, all right.

So we are at 101 cover bands. Wow. So that is a very narrow victory, Jordan. Yeah, absolutely. 101, you took down Fez's. Take that? Yeah, the original week of Fez. The first week of Fez, you took them out.

102, if you count Ted Leo. Sure. Does he have a Fez? No, he was in that. Oh, in the Dexys Midnight Runners cover. Yeah, yeah. And he definitely listens. Yeah, sure.

So 102. And then submarines, we're looking at 397. Wow. 399 if you count Jesse and Roderick. You guys mocked me. You guys mocked me at the time. I don't think we mocked you. I'm excited for you.

Thank you. I'm excited for you, too. I'm excited to finally get to use this obsidian knife. I was going to say the entrails. There were 63 people alone that toured the U-505 in Chicago. Boy, I guess. I mean, boy, it's one thing to have been on a sub. And it's one thing to remember the specific sub and be able to call in about it.

I guess I did not count on there being so many military history nerds. Excuse me, military history cools. Apparently it's a thing that elementary school kids do in Chicago, in Portland. A lot of these people, people were like, yeah, I visited when I was a kid. I think you're getting a lot of those people. So yeah, there were like 18 from Portland, 16 from New York City, 18 from San Francisco, 21 from Pittsburgh. Wow.

I think these things were getting decommissioned in the early 1990s. Oh, sure. And so like this. They were just jamming them into field trips. This is sort of like a Pokemon space jam type of thing. Where we're like three years too old to have lived on a submarine in elementary school. Yeah. Right.

Oh, and I want to say there's nine active military people that wrote in that are either on subs or were on subs. Hey, that's great. Can I say something, Brian? Yeah. Prove it. Blow something up. Yeah, sure.

Launch a missile at something we can see. Blow up the Carl's Jr. that we can see from the window. Or just machine gun the moon. Machine gun the moon! Just do something cool. Just machine gun the moon. We're not asking for... Either blow up the Carl's Jr. we can see or machine gun the moon.

And thank you for your service. Yes, to all our ships at sea, Machine Gun the Moon. We should probably just put a list of all the locations of the active military. Just put that out there in the world. I wonder if my dad has been in a submarine. My dad is a naval veteran. Almost certainly. He served aboard an aircraft carrier. Yeah.

And I know that there are specialized skills, but you'd think there's like sort of like how in residency doctors will, you know, try out different specials. Like, oh, do I want to be a dermatologist? Do I want to be a. Or there's, you know, severe and mortal beef between the aircraft carrier people and the submarine people. They are as different as you can be and still be in the Navy. people and the submarine people. They are as different as you can be and still be in the nature. And still be boats. Because one is going up and one is going down. Up and down boys. There's the up boys

and then there's the down boys. And they don't get along. And down women and down people as well. We don't want to exclude the up women and up people. And down periscope. And also down Periscope. Now it's a big break. Now it's a big break.

So, okay. So, I mean, I think we have to assess the situation here. This is such a landslide. I mean, it's such a destruction. Yeah. It's not like it inched out Fez or something like that. You know, so. By the way, thank you for bringing up assessing the situation.

Let's garabba this thing. Let's garabba. Assess the situation. So, Iabba this thing. Let's garabba, assess the situation. So, I mean, is this the end of this? This thing that we have not given a name to? Or do we just, do we have to find something to blow this out of the water? Yeah, I mean, I feel like a depth charge. Do we deploy thruple? Do we deploy Thrupple?

Do we deploy have a Harry Potter robe at home? Yeah. And then just find one thing to beat this, or do we declare submarine the winner? I mean, there's no doubt that submarine is the winner of this heat. Sure. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

I think maybe next week we reset. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? I think maybe next week we reset. Oh, we pick one. So, Brian, write down submarine 300 and whatever. 399. Write down the thing about Carl's Jr. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Brian, do you want to go to Carl's Jr. after this? Brian, write down if it doesn't get all over the place, if it doesn't belong in your face. I feel like at this point, you guys got to keep this going. And then in like, at the end of the season, it's going to be World Series of things that Jordan Dessigot fans do. Yeah. Or have did. Yeah.

Or have did. We'll bring the Commissioner Evan Sesser in. Again, that's Or have did. Yeah. Or have did. We'll bring the commissioner, Evan Sesser, in. Again, that's a Doughboy thing. We can't just take Doughboy's things and do them. But yeah, I'm sure Evan Sesser would come by. He's, yeah. He's a nice guy. Nice guy.

Great dude. Find out what's happening to that Sonic the Hedgehog. Beautiful baby. Beautiful baby. What about this? I feel like once you determine this, the other thing is going to be what's the thing that only one Jordan Dessigaux listener has done. Oh, right. Sure.

We shoot four. Yeah. So, okay. Ben Steve Agee is currently Steve Agee. What's that game? Do people still do that one where it's not Google roulette but something like that where the game is to try to find two words and you connect it with a capital and or whatever that only returns one Google result. Oh, interesting. Yeah, that would be fascinating. Something, yeah.

I'm saying. So for resetting, do we need to throw down the next week's challenge now that starts the next heat? Let's wait until next week. Okay. No, there'll be some residual calls this week, but let's wait until next week. Hopefully some residual checks in my mailbox. Oh, boy. And I'm just going to throw out one that's kind of like in between courses of a wine tasting or a cheese tasting, you have a palate cleanser.

Right. I just want to throw out a palate cleanser. This is kind of a smaller one that I think people might enjoy. It's more about my own curiosity. Sure. So give us a call if you've killed a man in cold blood. Right. So I'm not talking about – I'm talking about murder one not murder two so if it's

reactive or whatever crime of passion a crime of passion that doesn't count but i'm talking about in cold blood let's truman capote this thing sure so it can't be a crime of passion no it has to be in cold blood you have to how is that different premeditated it oh okay yeah that's cold blood and cold blood i literally have never thought about the meaning of that phrase it just means you're calm yeah it means that you're yeah you like you you right meant to do it yeah but it wasn't uh that wasn't um something that seized you yeah or just a manslaughter which could happen to anyone yeah we all agree we have a lot of just you know just don't get me started on my negligence we're gonna talk negligence yeah have you got all day buddy

criminal negligence yeah hit up brian with even just murder stories do i have to call the cops at this point or am i no you're like a therapist okay they don't have to call the cops if they hear about murders i think they probably do i think it's more like a priest. Yeah, that's true. Of course, famously, we all know about podcast producer-confessor confidentiality. It's a sacred bond. Yeah, it's part of British common law. Between podcast listener and podcast producer. Well, since the Magna Carta.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before the Magna Carta, that was... Of course. All bets were off. But that was a horrible society to live in, so... Very bad society. You couldn't even go hunting on a Duke's land previously. How are you supposed to get the sweetest bucks and does? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, everybody.

This is Jake Heath Van Straten, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here on the Maximum Fun Network. Make sure to listen to our next episode of Go Fact Yourself with guest Kurt Braunouler. I did a show in Flagstaff, Arizona, where the venue just didn't list that the show existed. Amazing. And it is the smallest crowd that I've ever done a full hour of stand-up for. It was three people. Oh, my God.

And Sarah Schaefer. Yes, I love crafting. It's my hobby. I have a craft nook in my home. You do? I do. It has all my supplies displayed in an adorable manner. Wow.

Yes. Yes. Applause. Applause for a nook. That's Go Fact Yourself here at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. And we have a podcast called The Art of Process.

We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. So I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people. If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous. The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show. We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect. I really just became a political speechwriter by accident. Realizing that I have accidentally pulled my pants down. Listen and subscribe at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's like if the guinea pig was complicit in helping the scientist.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Yeah, I was coughing. They probably won't include the coughs in the edit. But no, they have to. Yeah. We packed them into a corner. When you say they. They. Are you referring to Brian over here? I guess just Brian. Mm-hmm. He's got that kind of presence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's multitudes.

Sure. And he's tethered as well. Yes. Everyone go see Us, I guess. Go see Us in theaters. And Andrew T. is also here with us. What's Us? U.S. Not see Us in theaters. And Andrew T. is also here with us. What's Us? US.

Not a coincidence, people. I did watch a YouTube video that basically was only that. You know, Us could also be. It was about 11 minutes of making that case. It was too much. Yeah, we know. No, no, I got it. Thank you, YouTube.

I got it. I got it. Cool, cool, cool. And now tell me about how all the Pixar movies are connected, YouTube. That's the kind of information you want from film YouTube. Yeah. How are all the Pixar movies connected? I just watch video game YouTubes and camping ones.

Really? Wait, camping ones? Yeah. We don't have that much time, andrew but let's break this open real quick yeah let's hear about it it's just people take their cameras and go camping and you watch it yeah sometimes wait like there's tv show survivor man uh but with a lot more it's you know ultimately it's like a gear review and cooking show because it's just like i got this tent and this knife and i'm gonna are you a

camper yourself not such a good one but i'm an okay one okay yeah i've inspired my my podcast co-host tani newsome uh friend of this network i believe absolutely yeah she featured in bubble she is that's right she's uh her and her husband are like sort of real serious campers so i've tagged along with them a couple times. Yeah. But I was like a Boy Scout. I'm okay at camping. The thing that I'm best at camping is smoking pot and not being stressed. I feel like some people are really stressed out about it and I'm like, I don't care.

So you like video game videos too. So you watch videos about camping and videos about spawn camping. Correct. Oh, God. It's fun. We're all... It's probably a video game phrase.

Sure is. All on board. I like Dark Souls lore videos. I like those a lot. Andrew... There's a guy with a nice British accent who tells you about what happens in Dark Souls. Can I tell you about camping? Yeah.

I cannot camp. Really? I cannot emotionally. Physically, I can camp. What don't you like about camping? Yeah. I cannot camp. Really? I cannot emotionally. Physically, I can camp. What don't you like about it? Emotionally. Everything except for tent sex. Sure.

I like tent sex. Okay. You go in a tent, you're guaranteed to have sex. Yeah. That's my experience. Even the circus? Yeah. Clowns love to fuck.

Same. That's what we learned in the Boy Scouts, so that's fine. Oh, boy. Too much. But beyond the tent sex, and I do like the idea of a campfire with a cast iron thing on top of it, Whether it be a skillet or a Dutch oven. Yeah. That is by far my favorite part. Last time I went camping,

I did go camping by myself last time. It was relatively warm. So I don't know, probably September, something like that. And it was great. I, again, smoked weed and made ribs in the- Brian's no narc. He literally is.

I think he is actually a narc. He seems like a good narc. Brian, you narc? He's literally a cardinal. Brian, you got- He's been promoted from narc. You have to do a bunch of this cocaine with us to prove it. Yeah, we got to Donnie Brasco this guy.

No, yeah, i made beef ribs i i just got uh some short ribs and all the vegetables that were in my fridge and i put them in the thing poured a beer in it and just chucked that thing in the fire shit dude and it was fun great and then the next morning i got stung by a hundred bees i didn't uh i've uh thankfully i'm not allergic to bees but i was all like hung over and i was by myself and i must have like disturbed a beehive somehow but i got fully like my girled wow like you know swarmed by bees i still have a little a little scar on the back of my hand oh my gosh that's a real scar yeah i went camping with my wife yeah before we had children yeah y'all fucking that tent though oh you know we did circus style yeah this guy knows what i'm talking about man that new dumbo trailer is too

much too a lot of tent fucking in that yeah that's a's a very horny remake. I didn't think it was going to be like that. It looks good, though. Yeah. So I remember cooking some things. Yeah. Doing some stuff in the tent. Uh-huh. And then the next day.

So we got there in the afternoon, you know. Mm-hmm. You set up the tent. You set up the campfire. You cook some hot dogs or whatever. Yeah. You go in the tent and have activities. You know, then you're tired from everything you've done that day.

You go to sleep. You have a sleep under the stars, whatever. All that stuff went great. And then the next morning I got up and I made some bacon and eggs or something. And I've cast iron. I was, it was great. It was,

you know, sounds great. Eight 30 in the morning, eight o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And I was like, okay, honey,

no, gotta go. Yeah. I got so anxious. Yeah. I was like, I, I don't want to,

what? Maybe I'll go for a hike for 40 minutes, but I'm not going to go for a hike for four hours. Yeah, you really got to, it is the, I think breakfast till lunch truly is like, what the fuck are we going to do? Just wait for lunch, I guess. Yeah. That's why you got to have such an elaborate lunch plan that basically as soon as you clean up from breakfast, you start cooking. That's why I got a cabin in the woods yeah a cabin in the woods i'm gonna

learn about yes uh but not in cold blood just if they show up yeah i'm scared passion shooting full of buckshot but oh there was a slug in there oh you know you i thought i was shooting salt rocks at him we all know that feeling when you accidentally put the slug in the shoddy god oh good when bay puts that slug in that shoddy um new video video game memes yeah but what happens is the the real like the ultimately the reason was not so much about like I want to sleep in a bed instead of on the floor or those kinds of things.

By the floor I mean ground. Yeah. God's floor. What is the ground but God's floor. It was ultimately

just I want to have access to a TV VCR if it comes to it. You can just watch a movie on the iPad dog. Yeah. Fine. a movie on the iPad, dog. Yeah.

It's fine. I guess maybe the last time I went camping was before iPads. I think you would really like camping. Pre-pad. Yeah. Camping with a pad? Oh, yeah. I did.

I think I was watching Ant-Man and the Wasp on my iPad in bed the other night, and I fully dropped it on my face. Cool. Wait, so you were laying on your back? Lying on my back, holding it approximately, I'll go with eight inches from my face, and it got a little boring, I guess, or it was a little late. I fell asleep and just smashed my face with my pad.

Boom. Took a red to the face. I really did. That's also how I watched Snowpiercer. really did that's also how i watched um snowpiercer ah sure it's fucking holding it up terrible way i don't know what it is it does i know it is a bad way to watch movies on a tiny screen lying on your back lie over on your side like caesar style elbows fall asleep when i do that i was fully on on my back, but that's how I do it. Do you have... So I got one of these things.

It's like a really big iPad. The only drawback is no touchscreen. Yeah. It's called a television. Yeah, and it sits like real far from... Yeah. Yeah. No.

Just... I think if... Yeah. I think... Because I'm single and... Ladies. Right. Or gents. Or gents. Or both. Honestly, anyone. Just hit'm single. Ladies. Or gents.

Or both. Honestly, anyone. Just hit me up. Just looking for intimacy. Hey, guys. Hit us up. But, yeah, for whatever reason, I never watch the TV that I own. Do you have a TV in the bedroom?

You usually just watch the one that's in the window of the electronics store. Yeah, exactly. That's how I get my news. Who won the presidential election? If aliens are attacking. Whether Spider-Man is outside today. And is he a threat or a menace? I genuinely, I don't know when the last time I've turned on the TV is

because I just watch everything by myself you just love that pad I love smashing myself in the face who doesn't love that we all love smashing me in the face hit us up if you want to smash us in the face hit us up

Andrew T is the host of Yo Is This Racist alongside Tony Newsome. You can also find him on – does your Tumblr still exist? It does. I need probably a new home, but I'm too lazy to find it. I have literally – so I have a menswear blog that has 400 000 followers on tumblr and it was like on the one hand how could i ever abandon that on the other hand it's like it's like yelling into the

grand canyon yeah i mean i will say it you know it spits out a web page like that web page is accessible by non-tumblr people so for it the the the flow of people asking questions has slowed because there's just no one using tumblr anymore also racism is ebbing yeah yeah you know it's a shame we got it on the run it's a shame that we're going out of business but you know that's good for the world i guess i will say open up a poke place in in all in all honesty the amount that uh traffic to all of the yosus racist permutations increased after the election is wildly upsetting i'm just like now now this is blood. Just profiting from people's pain. But yeah, I'm just like, well, this is depressing, but I guess, okay. We're here for you people.

Andrew, it's been a joy to have you on the program. Thanks for having me. It's been so fun to be here. You can find Jordan and Jesse Go on Twitter. Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris. I'm at Jesse Thorne. Andrew, what do you want in there? Just Andrew T. Last name is spelled T-I. And I know it doesnne. Andrew, what do you want in there? Just Andrew T.

Last name is spelled T-I. And I know it doesn't technically matter, but it is all caps. It's good to clarify. Always good to clarify. I hate it when people do the all lowercase for me. Because it's too chill? Too chill. You live loud.

I'm famously un-chill because of the rivers of cocaine flowing through my bloodstream. You can hashtag it JJGo on Twitter. We're on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. We're on Facebook where you can like Jordan Jesse Go and you'll get a picture of English Sonic the Hedgehog. Ketchup. Ketchup. Yeah. Sexual ketchup. Yeah. Sexual ketchup. That nasty ketchup. Yeah, the Hedgehog. Ketchup. Ketchup. Yeah. Sexual ketchup.

Yeah. Sexual ketchup. That nasty ketchup. That ketchup. Nasty. And last week was the second week of the Max Fund Drive. Yeah. We had a goal of 25,000 new and upgrading members of Maximum Fun.

We hit it literally while we were live streaming the Max Fun Drive finale. A real thrill. You can, by the way, go on the Maximum Fun YouTube page and watch that show, which Jordan hosted alongside Helen Hong from Go Fact Yourself. Jordan did a fucking amazing job. It was a blast. It was so great. And as threatened last week on the program,

And as threatened last week on the program, I said that because I was jealous of Amy Mann's talent, I said that if there was a listener, a Jordan Jesse Goh listener who was good at playing piano, I would perform You Got Trouble from the Music Man at that show. And I have to say, I will say this, Jordan. It was a mistake to make that assertion for two reasons. Number one, someone agreed to do it. And his name is Scott. He's a pianist on the Off Book podcast. Oh, cool. And two, because I didn't realize, I didn't think through the fact that I am, you know, I'm the owner of the network. And as such, I have to administer the max fund drive for 40 whatever shows.

Sure. And 15 employees and all this shit. And I host three podcasts that were making their most important episodes of the year that week. making their most important episodes of the year that week. And I had not sung this song since I was 12. And so I literally, I had to table so many actually consequential things for me and Scott to spend two hours rehearsing it on a Thursday afternoon in my den. But it was fine.

It came out fine. It came out great. It was a real fun event. Thank you everybody who donated. We love you. You guys are all the best. You are the reason we can do this. The reason we still do this. I mean, anybody who's ever heard a Max Fund Drive

episode of Jordan Jessico knows how badly Jordan wants to get out of this. Because it's poisoned his career in Hollywood. Bad for business. But the reality is that you keep hooking him back in. Sure. You guys keep donating. The show keeps coming. That's how it works.

So thanks to every single one of you out there who joined us. And tickets for the Summer Boys of Summer Tour now on sale to the general public. We're coming. To your town. So if you're in one of the cities we're visiting, we're talking about Boston, Washington, D.C. with Glenn Weldon. Whoa. We're talking about New York City with Ed Koch. We're talking about Chicago, Illinois. Also with Ed Koch.

He's touring. He's doing all of our. Seattle and Portland with Ed Koch and David Dinkins. Various mayors. We're talking about what other places? Austin, Texas with Rachel and Griffin McElroy. Okay. That'll sell a few tickets, folks.

That's a good get. Yeah, they're the king and queen of Austin, Texas. Sorry, people in all country bands. Or Robert Rodriguez. Ricky Linklater stepped the fuck back. Yeah. Ricky Linklater, step the fuck back. Here comes the Max. Did I list? Are we going to any other cities that I didn't list, Brian?

I didn't say Minneapolis, Minnesota, with the entire team from Riff Trax. Yeah. That's right. Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, Mike Nelson. All three of them going to appear on the program. Can I tell you what Bill Corbett told me when I DM'd him on Twitter to say, would you come on our show? What? He said, yeah, but what am I going to do with these tickets to the show that I already bought?

Bill. Already bought. Bill. The day they went on sale with a secret code only for donors. We love him. God bless him. One of the best men. One of the best and very funny.

Very funny. Very funny. A comedy hero. You did tell him no refunds, of course, right? Yeah, no refunds. I actually charged him a surcharge. Yeah, you got to. Because I figured he's got that screenplay money.

Yeah, he's hooked. He's it. He's got some Adult Swim VO money. Yeah, you got to. I figured he's got that screenplay money. Yeah, he's hooked. He's it. He's got some Adult Swim VO money. Yeah, exactly. He's got to burn on podcast tickets. I mean, that's 50 bucks a pop, those Adult Swim VOs. Yeah, I know. Anyway, we got a lot of more great guests coming

down the pipe, plus a Los Angeles date coming down the pipe, and who knows? Maybe another California date. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. We're working on it. We'll see.

We're working on it. We'll talk to you next time on George S. Kipp. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artists owned. Audience supported.