Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 579: I'm Not Listening with Emily Heller

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

Emily Heller (Ice Thickeners, Baby Geniuses) and her dog Alan join Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of the tedious training exercises that Emily is running through to help with Alan's separation anxiety and the catchphrase it has birthed, everyone's preferred snack from the Costco menu, and Emily's new stand up special, Ice Thickeners, which is available for free on Youtube! Plus, we introduce a new competition in our quest to figure out the JJGo audience.     Have you ever worn a costume on a non-Halloween date? Have you ever been on an elephant? Let us know -- 206-984-4FUN OR [e-mail]. (Please pick one!)

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm back from the dead, Jordan. Oh, you were dead? I was dead briefly. I flatlined. Oh.

Well, I'm a flatliner. Have I mentioned that to you? You have not. As in the film Flatliner or the remake Flatliner? I wish I remembered more about that movie so I could say something funny about it. Well, I forgot it was called Flatliners when I said that title twice. There's a Canadian screamo band called The Flatliners that I like. Oh, well, there you go. Should I talk about that?

Yeah, sure. This is basically a screamo show, right? It is now. Come on, all you scenesters. Sure. In your scenesters. Sure. In your skinny jeans. Yeah. Hey, do you like bands where one guy sings and one guy screams?

Next week, we're talking about whatever that kind of music that The Locust is. Where you dress up in a costume and just make weird noises. Oh, man, man.

We are not prepared for this riff. We do not know enough about the things we're talking about. No. I was aware that Screamo was the kind where one person sang intense feeling songs and one person made intense noises. Right. I could not have named one Screamo band.

I might be mischaracterizing the Flatliners, too. I'm sure I'll get some corrections as to what their genre actually is. Happy hardcore. Right. Yes. It's drum and bass. Yeah. A little jungle.

Yeah. Tell me about your near-death experience. What was hell like? Why did they decide to send you back? What was your eternal punishment? I got the flu last week. I just assumed you went to hell. It had just been weeks, I mean years, since I last got the flu. And I had forgotten how

horrible it is. Yeah. Did you have your flu shot this year? I did. But it got through anyways. It got through anyways. But I think generally speaking, the flu shot will reduce the impact of a lot of flus because there's just a lot of different flus. They don't know all the ones to give you. Sure. So it makes a big difference in terms of not getting the flu. But it also makes a big difference in terms of whether you die from the flu when you do get it, as my paternal great-grandfather did. So, yeah, like I had- So flu death runs in the family. Yeah, I had 24 hours of bad flu. And this was my first day where I really left the house.

We can talk about my trip out of the house yesterday when we introduce our guest. Is it interesting? I mean, I found it interesting. Well, we'll see about that. It includes garage sailing. Okay. And having to run into the house that you were at the garage sale of and have diarrhea. Yeah, exactly.

Cool. I just want to give a shout out to my wife also got it. Because... That's nice that you guys still do things together. Yeah. It's important for relationships. And therefore germs. And as you know, and many of our listeners know,

I have three children. Luckily, Meemaw was in town. Meemaw. And can I just be... Can I just say thank goodness for Meemaw? You can. I'm sorry. Is that wine?

Here's a fun fact. Dog in the studio. Dog in the studio. Dog in the studio. We'll get to it, but there's a dog in the studio. Trying to drink my cola. Trying to drink my cola. May have actually drunk some of my cola.

You call it cola? Well, I'm trying not to buzz market here. Cola? I'm not in the employ of any of the major, any of the big three, those being Pepsi, Coke, and RC. Royal Crown Cola. Cola. Saying cola out loud. It's like calling someone your lover.

It's a Dr. Select. Okay. Okay, yeah. Dr. Select. Ooh la la. Too good for Dr. Star. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Dr. Select. Ooh la la. Too good for Dr. Star. Yeah. So.

Yeah. So I, Meemaw, Meemaw really saved the day and then poor Meemaw got it. And she was out of commission yesterday. Man. Yeah. The ravages of flu. Yeah. But it definitely, it definitely reminds you.

Dog sneezed. It was pretty funny. I know. It was great. Dog in the studio. God. I wish people could see this dog. Dog sneezed. It was pretty funny. Yeah, I know. It was great. Dog in the studio. God. I wish people could see this dog. It reminded me, I think sometimes you forget how much responsibility for human life you have accreted over the years of parenthood.

So first one life, then two lives, then three lives. But when both parents are incapacitated. And then 99 lives if you put in the Konami code. And nothing will remind you how many other people's human lives who are incapable of taking care of themselves, you are responsible for then both parents in the household or all parents in the household being bedridden. But did you – oh, you guys should have lined up Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style. Oh, God. Done one big bed.

Head to toe style. I know Meemaw was there. If you could get Poppy and Poppy Pop. And Grandpa Joe. Yeah. God, I wish Grandpa Joe was there. Yeah. Come on, Grandpa Joe.

Let's introduce our guest and talk about this dog in the studio. Dog in the studio. Our guest is a sort of- He was drinking earlier. Could you hear that, audience? Did you hear the cute doggy drinking? Our guest is a terrier dachshund, Rick, who has some separation anxiety issues because he was recently adopted by comedian Emily Heller. Hello. brand new stand-up comedy special on the Comedy Central apps and streaming platforms called Ice Thickeners. Our guest is Alan, the dog.

Thanks for having him on the podcast. I'm glad that that's soda and not wine. Although I don't know which would be worse for him to be drinking right now. He did try to take a drink of that. I'm sorry. Yesterday, I went garage sailing with my children. It was my first time out of the house in several days, and I felt like I needed to do something for my children. Sure. So I was like, I think I could do an hour in the car. That was about what I thought I was capable of.

Drove to Atwater Village, beautiful neighborhood here in Los Angeles. For the kids? Do they like garage sales? They do kind of like garage sales. They are his kids. More than that, I did not want to do an activity that required me to be on my feet for more than five minutes at a time. So I figured garage sailing, it's first thing Saturday morning.

I didn't want to have to chase anybody on the structure at the park or whatever. I feel like garage sales are also generally – they seem like they would be good for kids because it's like there are sometimes things for sale for like 25 cents. And a kid can feel like they bought the whole thing themselves. Yeah. I think a garage sale is – it's a tough way to acquire good stuff if you're a grown-up. But for kids, it's a dream. Yeah. Like, one of my kids has a weekly appointment on a Saturday morning in South Pasadena, California, which is a bucolic suburban town not that far from where I live.

Just like a classic all-American tree-lined street situation. And 9 to 10 a.m. in South Pasadena, this is garage sale heaven. And my children have gotten more 25-cent bullshit out of this. Like more. And the great part is you don't feel, I'll throw it away a week later. Yeah.

I gave it a new life. You know what I mean? If it's a significant thing, maybe I'll give it to the Goodwill and they'll throw it away. Yeah, but at least you didn't buy it new

and then throw it away. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. But the point is. Children's clothes, for example, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

These are wonderful things to buy at garage sales. But the point is, I happened to be driving down the street, and a crazy woman started waving her arms at me. I pull over. Guess who it is? It's Emily Heller, comedian Emily Heller and my favorite dog, Alan.

Yep. Wait, was this at the garage sale? I'm confused as to the timeline. He was on his way to a garage sale, and I was walking Alan, and I saw a car coming up with the license plate should i say it is that okay i don't know i don't think people can like reverse look at me listen just say it just say dong lord we all know jesse's license plate is dong lord and i was like hey i know that guy uh and i waved kind of i could kind of not even tell it was you, but I recognized you from the license plate.

And then, yeah, you kind of jerked your car into a driveway, I assumed, to pet Alan. Yes. I don't care about seeing you, Emily. No, of course not. Look, I like you. You're a talented comic, a good pal, and a great colleague. But I don't give a shit about you relative to your amazing dog.

I wouldn't pull over to talk to you either. I just met Alan because Alan came to the Max Fun Drive live show. Yes. He did, yeah. Because as we mentioned, he has a little bit of separation anxiety. He has it for me and not for my husband. It's very inconvenient. He is in love with me, I think.

And he sees my husband as another another dog in the house yeah they're they're both my two dogs well you gotta get your husband to stop chewing on that sock he's also trying to help mommy that's what we've been talking to our therapist about uh no uh so yeah he if i leave him alone with my husband, like he'll he'll hang out at the house with my husband, but he'll howl. He'll be like, what do you what do you what do you think it is? What do you what do you can you can you diagnose that? I mean, I I don't know. He was we don't know anything about him. He was found as a stray, but he was clearly a house dog before that.

Like he's house broken and he doesn't like going outside very much he has mailbox keys uh and you know he uses the toilet pretty well um not for what you think um but uh he uses it as a sous vide yeah to make soft boiled eggs it takes about a week and a half he's like well i started reading serious eats and i got But he is. Uses it as a sous vide. Yeah. To make soft boiled eggs. It takes about a week and a half. He's like, well, I started reading Serious Eats and I got really into it. But. In two weeks, he's going to be talking about the Instapot.

I know. All right. We know. Our working theory. How tender are your short ribs? Our working theory is that his previous owner was like maybe probably a woman. He maybe doesn't like men as much as women. And so he had that instant bond with me and that he maybe had separation anxiety with that person and ran away trying to find them when they left the house. And then that's how he ended up as a stray.

I don't know. Oh, OK. And then that's how he ended up as a stray. I don't know. But I'm doing these really tedious training exercises where I put him in his little penned off area and then I get up and I like grab my keys and I open the door and I walk outside and then I walk right back in. And then I do that 10 times. You say your catchphrase. Yes, I do, which is be right back.

I love it. And it's true. And that's supposed to train them so that when you leave the house and you say be right back, they think, okay, she's going to be right back. Hit up Emily's merch store for the be right back t-shirt and mouse pad. Do you have a signature entrance? I mean, when you come back in, does the crowd stand and applause? When I come back in, it's not really anything. But when I have to remember to, I have to do – at each cycle, I have to do ten times. So I have to leave and stand outside for one second and then come back in and do that ten times and then two seconds and then three seconds and then four seconds and five seconds, then ten seconds.

Then basically I'm working my way up to an hour and a half. But I have to do each one of them. Do you just hang around outside for an hour and a half? I don know what you go to a movie i'm gonna go on like a quick errand and then i guess just like idle in the in the driveway and listen to a podcast but i've been keeping track of the 10 by moving a ring around my fingers so that's the thing that i do when i come back in is i move really it's a rubber band because no ring fits on every finger the same. All my fingers are the same. I have ten perfectly cylindrical identical fingers. It's just like pasta.

Yeah. Just ten rigatoni. And that's why we call you Tony. That's why we call you Dong Lord. Emily Heller's dog is so cute. Yeah, he. Yeah. And that's why we call you Dong Lord. Emily Heller's dog is so cute. Yeah, he's done in the, you know, in the whatever, the 15 minutes that we've been in here, he's done like five cute dog things. He's done cute drinking where he's like, mew, mew, mew. Yeah.

You know, cute dog drinking. No one likes it when I do it like that. Well, get a little gray mohawk like Alan. I know. He has little gray mohawk like Alan. I know. He has a little mohawk. Here's the thing is he is truly like needy and dependent and utterly annoying, but also just the actual cutest dog in the world. Sure. So it's really hard to stay.

Yeah, it's probably really tough when he's bad. It's tough when he's bad. It's tough when he's bad. And also like one of the things I'm supposed to do for training is like for the 15 minutes before I leave the house and for the 15 minutes after I come back to the house, I'm supposed to ignore him. And that is the hardest thing in the world. I'm not supposed to like pet him or look at him for 15 minutes after I come home. And he's just like being the cutest in the world. What does that do? It's supposed to sort of like take all of the weight off of your entrances and exits, I guess. Yeah.

I don't really know. I don't know if I believe any of this stuff, but I also have no other option. It's hard, too, because not striking a pose immediately after making your entrance that signifies the key characteristics of your character goes against all your Commedia dell'arte training. You're used to coming in and freezing while stroking your long, thin money bag that hangs between your legs. Well, I'm also, I'm like, do we really have this much time for character development? I feel like people are going to check out. Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry to be a person who brings their dog everywhere.

I really didn't want to be this person. No, it's great. Where have you brought the dog that you felt bad about having the dog? I mean, just- Several podcasts. Several podcasts. Colon surgery. Yeah, sure.

I've thought about bringing the dog to therapy. Yeah. I thought about bringing my dog to therapy many times. And then just leaving him there and letting him have a session. You know what? I think I did bring my dog to therapy once. Not with my current therapist, but my former therapist. Shout out to Dr. Carr.

Fucking sailing the seas for he retired to sail the high seas yeah but anyway fucking dr carr i think one time wait your therapist left to go uh be on a boat forever yeah are you sure yeah i'm sorry jesse he might have just been fed up a little bit too much for... I have to go sail the sea. Don't look for me. I'll be on a boat. Sure. I won't be able to get...

I can't get phone calls. No phone call, no email. To bring some spices back from the Orient, I'll give you a call when I get back. My therapist said she had to turn into a cloud. She did, right? Right? That's real? So dog in therapy.

I think I was just having a really bad day. And maybe I had a bad day and had a migraine and was on my migraine medication. And there was some reason the dog shouldn't be at the house. And I was like, fuck it. I'm bringing my dog to therapy. Oh, yeah? I, like, didn't run it by him ahead of time or anything, just showed up with my dog. I think my therapist would be cool with it, and I'm basing this on the fact that when

before we got him, when I was talking to her about our plans to get a dog, she got this look on her face that was like kind of distracting. Like, I don't know if, like normally their faces aren't supposed to do that much stuff in therapy. Yeah, that's like one of the, that's all of year one of getting your MFT.

It's just like practicing your facial paralysis. It's just the professor going, one year from now, two of you will still be sitting in those seats and one of y'all will have done too much with your face. But so her face was doing something and I was like, what?

What is it? And she was like, oh, nothing. It's just, I'm really excited for you to get a dog. So I have a feeling she'd be cool with me bringing him there yeah but i also think then are you i mean will the session become all about the dog as like this podcast has become all about the dog and i'm not complaining i think it's a fine thing for this podcast to be about it's better than what the podcast is normally about but it's actually part of my dog training that i'm not

supposed to podcast about him too much longer so i I am going to ask that we change the subject. Oh, sure. Right. He's getting an inflated sense of self. Yes. It's like if I podcast about him too much, he feels like I need that. And so it's more that he thinks I, you know. Right. He needs to know that I have other things going on in my life. Sure. All right. Let's rank the Marvel movies. One of my dogs is a caretaker who will take care of me in situations like bad therapy day

or the flu. She will, if I'm lying on the bed, and this is often the case because of my migraines, but like if I'm lying on the bed out of my mind with whatever,

she will jump on the bed and then just put her nose sort of in my armpit if i'm lying on my back she'll like put her nose in my armpit and like lay herself against my side and just go oh that's really and then she'll just stay there as long as i need her to it's it's gorgeous so what the fuck are you doing alan yeah i'm so great about you you horrible i did start i started crying the other day and he didn't do shit alan so selfish i mean to be fair he did look very cute but alan is so cute alan is so cute that before i met alan the other day at the live streaming show this is my third time meeting alvin alan not to brag jordan No, I mean. But before I met Alan the other day,

my wife called a family meeting to discuss Alan. Sure. My wife called me over and she said, Jesse, have you seen Emily Heller's new dog? I'm like, I haven't seen Emily Heller since she was on Judge John Hodgman. That was like a month ago. And she says,

and she says, open up your Instagram, honey. You know, I definitely, I am not on Instagram. Because I just love being present. I love being here. I love being in the moment. And I don't want to do anything that will detract

from that. Plus, you're more into snaps. Yeah, you're right. What's the real reason? No, I just, you know, I don't, it was one of those things that I was kind of late to. And don't take a lot of pictures i'm bad at it every time i try and take a picture of something it really just comes out like a like a you know a faraway blob that a mom took with an ipad yeah uh that is my photography style i would say and yeah and i think i'm a little prone to like being jealous of the lives of others. Oh, yeah. It is poison for your soul. Yeah. And I think that I think that seems to me like that is kind of what Instagram that the little button Instagram will push on you is the, you know, check out my trip to the Super Bloom and my significant other and these eggs I'm eating.

I get mad at our friend Steve Agee, Jordan, as you go, listener, for being such a talented photographer. He's a very good photographer. He is a very talented photographer. That makes me mad. on is associated with my menswear blog and store. I don't, I don't, like mostly I am following menswear shit and that stuff is infuriating. I believe it. I believe it. If you want to get mad, just take a look at a guy who is a lawyer in Prague and spends all his money on bespoke clothing and then spends a lot of time taking pictures of himself. It is truly maddening.

You haven't talked me out of it yet. I mean, maybe go for it. But yeah, like just the like. Here's the thing. I don't have a problem with like lifestyle pictures. Like even food I ate. I like looking at Dan McCoy. We'll take a picture of a bread he cooked.

I always enjoy that. Oh, yeah. I love a good bread pic. But like generally speaking, anything that looks like a work went into it upsets me. that looks like a work went into it upsets me. Either be through jealousy with Steve Agee or just a regular anger with people who are... And, like, many of them are good at the things... Like, they're good at picking clothes

and taking pictures of themselves. That's why they're good at it. Yeah. But... Here's the thing. You could also just mute everyone except for the dog accounts. I do follow a lot of dog accounts and Instagram sort of figured out I was looking for a dog and just started only showing me the dogs.

And then I follow a lot of artists. That helps because they just post their art. That's nice. But then other than that, yeah, I do feel intense pressure to go to the Super Bloom as a result of what people are posting about it. And I'm not going to go. The Super Bloom seems far away. It seems far away and it seems crowded. For people not in the area. What is the Super Bloom?

I missed the last week through all this. So the Super Bloom, after a hard rain in L.A., the, like, high desert, all these poppies bloom, and it's very beautiful. And it's a big, like, you know, kind of, you know, like, long weekend destination for people to take pictures of the super bloom. And it is great. It does look neat. Yeah, it's like poppies as far as the eye can see. Yeah, but it is a lot of, like, happy couples laying down in them together. Yeah.

I get. couples laying down in them together. Yeah. People sort of trampling on them to get pictures without all of the crowds of people in the photograph that they're taking. People go there for Instagram pictures now. There are a lot of them. I have a good friend who is a professional photographer. One of my best friends is a professional photographer. And it literally had not occurred to me basically until I looked at his Instagram or maybe I was going for a hike with him and some photographer buddies of his or something. But I was like, oh, I resent Instagram because I is good with words.

Because I is good with words. I was like, oh, I am like they they are. First of all, their Instagram feeds all actual art, like real photographers taking real powerful pictures. You're bad at that. And so if it's if there's something that someone else is better than you at, you don't enjoy it fundamentally. Well, I mean, I think I just, yeah, probably. Emily, do you try and do comedy on Instagram? Do you try and be funny on it?

Ooh, I should say no, because then it'll all seem accidental if I don't. Sometimes I'll try and do funny stories. I mean, recently it's just pictures of the dog now. I don't have anything else going on. No, but that's pretty good. I mean, I would I'm I'm I'm tempted to join just for more Alan content. I do. I do. I do think I try to be funny on there. Mostly I spend more time on there if I want to avoid Twitter. That's what I do. That's what I right when you just need something to open when you're in line for something. But then I decided

that also it was still, yeah, it was still bad for me. Mostly I was like, I need something to do with my hands while I'm watching TV. And now I just decided to start doing embroidery again. So I went from being a young connected person to a very, very old person. Sure. What are you embroidering?

I've just been embroidering. I've only done like a couple projects. I started with a... Mostly tall tales. I did a portrait of my friend's dog and it's an all black dog so it was a very difficult project because then it's

really hard to show details in embroidery if the thing is all black. And then I made something for my mom's bathroom. I'll let you guess what that – no. Embroidered toilet paper for your mom's delicate butt. Yeah. I embroidered some toilet paper for her very time-intensive project for not a lot of payoff.

When you're embroidering – like let's take this example of this dog portrait that you embroidered. Yeah. Are we talking about like a top of a big yogurt container sized embroidery hoop? Yeah. It's like – I would say it's the size of a small personal pizza. Very small personal pizza. Okay. Now are you like freestylingling this are you making a pattern

for yourself oh hell no i am printing it out on photo paper like foot like a photo transfer like an iron on and then i iron that on and i just like sew over a printed out photograph basically now how many personal pan pizzas is the printout? I'm having a hard time picturing it. So just how many pizzas? You print it out on a medium pizza and then you cut it down to size. Oh, to a personal pizza. Yes. Okay, now I can see it.

Yeah. Now you're speaking my language. And then you put that in a panini press on the fabric that you're embroidering on. That's delicious. I have a question. I feel like you guys are using this made-up metric that no one understands. How many Dodger dogs are we talking about? Oh, that is a great question, but I am a vegetarian.

Like a Polish? I can't even answer that question. There's probably a vegetarian Polish, right? That sounds like the beginning of a very bad joke. I don't know how to measure that chicken bake let's go costco chicken again too much too much meat in that i don't know if there's a veggie chicken bake at this point okay what about that fruity sundae oh i don't you know i have not been to a costco in years i am because you live alone yes thank you yes thank you for that i appreciate the i was thinking of it as a like

tremendous freedom sure um you can get the flu whenever that's true you guys are like on the verge of a freaky friday right now i don't know if you realize it i even know a certain magic fountain we can pee in um is that the premise of freaky friday there was a p and a magic there was a body recently it was a different body so i mean probably 10 years ago it was the one with jason bateman and then who plays the single guy in that jonathan silverman jonathan yeah jason bateman and jonathan silverman the single guy in car in the City. The crossover movie. There were so many crossover episodes or like in that must-see TV NBC lineup that we just forget about because those shows didn't really syndicate. Except for there's one Friends episode that Caroline in the City's in. Really?

And you're like show up on Channel 5 at 6 p.m. I don't think none of them were ever on Seinfeld. Were they? Oh, I bet Seinfeld resisted that. Seinfeld were probably just like, fuck this. Our show is good. There is a very funny – there was a very funny like promo for the – and maybe Brian, maybe we can find this and do a link to it on the Facebook page because I'll probably describe it wrong. But I think – I do know about this, what we're talking about.

There was a must-see TV continuity block where there was a hurricane that affected all of the must-see TV shows. But Seinfeld would not participate because of their… Dignity. Dignity. And so, you know, there's the must-see. They said, no crossover for you. Right.

We're going to do – we have to do the episode where George pushes the Frogger machine across the street. So there's a hurricane and that's – and this is in the days of the must-see TV guy who talked like this, who told you what was coming up on must-see TV. And then he would do like – on the single guy, the hurricane makes things crazy. On Carolyn in the city, look out. The winds are high. No hurricane on Seinfeld. And finally, on Razor, no hurricane on Seinfeld. And finally, on Fraser,

he just says it really quick. He's like, but no hurricane on Seinfeld. It's not going to work out like that. So sorry, just like, you know, don't freak out when there's no hurricane on Seinfeld, okay? It is very good. It's in a different timeline. So as I was saying about Costco,

I don't really know what is on the Costco menu these days. I think the last time I was there, of course, you get the pizza. You get the two dogs and a soda. And the chicken bake, I think, was the most recent menu item when I stopped going to Costco. What is a chicken bake? A chicken bake is 2,000 calories. A chicken bake is like a tube, if you imagine a tiny baguette.

You're holding up what looks like a very big baguette. How many pizzas are there? A big baguette is like this big. Put it in Calzone terms. It's this. It's the space within my fingers. He's holding up

an eggplant. It's like the size of my fingers. It's like... He's holding up like an eggplant. It's like the size of like a giant breadstick. Okay. You know, like one of those weird bready breadsticks that they bring you at like Olive Garden or something. Yeah. And then where does the chicken go? Inside with a creamy ranch dressing. Oh, okay.

That sounds really good. And some symbolic vegetables. It is... Just sort of like the notion of a vegetable. Yeah. It is both... A single pea. Yeah.

And only a princess can taste it in the chicken bake. It's kind of like a chicken pot pie stick. That sounds like something I dreamed of as a child. It is both profoundly gross and really good. Like even I, a man with monstrous appetites, you know, 215 pound man, I

struggle to eat a whole chicken bake except for that I also compulsively eat a whole chicken bake. Yeah, it doesn't sound like you struggle but you know you have to finish it. I also switched to— You don't give yourself the option of not finishing it. I switched to a hot dog and a soda, or actually I prefer a Polish, but Polish sausage and a soda because it is like significantly less caloric than the chicken bake.

I can't remember what the totals were, but they started putting the calories on started putting the calories on the menu and I was like, fuck. And then I started, I was like. Here's the thing about Costco though. You just save those calories for later. Yeah. Stock up there. Yeah, I'm trying to eat that. Exactly, that's what you're doing.

Work your way through it over the month. I'm trying to eat that berry parfait for one thing. Yeah, what's on the Costco menu? Emily, do you Costco? No, and I should. I'm right there. I live right near one, but I don't go there very often. Well, you live with one other person.

Yeah, I live with one other person, but we do buy things in bulk. We do poop a lot. We poop a lot. We make a lot of spills to clean up in the kitchen. And we do love stiff jeans. We make a lot of spills to clean up in the kitchen. And we do love stiff jeans. I love to go to Costco, but I will go – I still share a Costco account with my mother, and I don't think I go to Costco more than quarterly.

So it is truly – I will go to Costco once a quarter, and it is like a contest to see how much money I can spend at Costco without buying any miscellany. Like it has to be from the list. Costco is full of siren songs of bullshit. Costco wants you to come in for toilet paper and leave with a diamond ring. You know what I mean? I only go there for diamond rings. I want something. I want to make sure that it is things like I am buying 20 bananas because I know my family will eat 20 bananas. 20 bananas.

I will buy a flat of Atahualpa mangoes because I know my family will fuck up those mangoes. I'll buy a bag of apples. Is your family monkeys? Yes. Chimpanzees, not technically monkeys. They're apes. Tailless. But yes. So there's just like, and then I will buy meat.

I will buy meat and wrap it up and put it in the freezer. Sure, yeah. I remember our, I think maybe still to this day, our Christmas roast always comes from Costco. Yep. Oh, okay. Yeah, I bought a Christmas roast at the Costco not long ago. Maybe two Christmases ago.

Sure, yeah. I was going to say two months ago, three months ago, four months ago. Yeah. I love a ribeye cap. Okay. Are you familiar with that? I'm not. I don't want to get too into it because we've got a vegetarian here, but it's a beautiful

piece of meat. We just talked about a chicken bake for 15 minutes. We're far down the road on the meat stuff right now. Anyway, a ribeye cap is a type of meat that they sell at the Costco that is hard to get at a regular store. I'll buy six of them and it'll cost $100 or something like that. And then I just eat one a month on a special night with my wife and split it with my wife.

Alan's mouth is watering. Oh, yeah. Just hearing about it. Sure. He probably, when he's looking at us and he sees three big turkey legs. Yeah, so my memories of costco costco memories a favorite segment yeah um i always i'm waiting for the theme song costco memories no hurricane and costco memories costco memories skipping the hurricane um uh so costco memories did make a guest

appearance on news radio right they're fans and they met Phil Simms at the Christmas party. Oh, yeah. Couldn't wait to work together. I remember getting samples of Bagel Dogs and just getting a little bite of Bagel Dog and being very excited about that. And also they had a Super Nintendo set up. So before, you know, so we didn't get one. But when I was going to Costco with my parents, I could hang out and play it. You didn't need one. You had one at Costco. No, I had the one at Costco.

My Aunt Debbie lives, shout out to Aunt Debbie, lives in Arlington, Virginia, and she's a real estate agent. She's a lifestyle transition specialist. If anybody in Northern Virginia is looking for a, is looking for somebody to maybe help their parents move into a home or get a smaller home after their kids went away to college, holler at Debbie Miller. But anyway, my Aunt Debbie, she's got one of these big ranch houses, like a classic American. And I grew up in a situation where there was no room for anything in our house. She has, and to this day, I don't, I have a pretty small house. I don't have a lot of room for stuff. And especially in the

freezer, we've got a small, you know, top and bottom refrigerator freezer. The freezer is always full of like whatever chicken soup that I made or something. And when I get to the Costco, I just think about that big side-by-side refrigerator freezer that Aunt Debbie's got in Virginia. I think she probably has one of those bucket freezers or whatever those are called where they stand alone, you know, and you put stuff in it so that when you shoot an elk, you can put all the meat and eat it all year long. And like, God, the lifestyle where you have

just like a big ass Costco bag of like frozen Texas toast or like ling ling pot stickers or like where you buy ice cream treats at Costco or like fucking frozen confections of another type

I don't like how you're looking at me right now have you had dinner you haven't eaten yet tonight. Like that kind of like profligacy and bounty is so incredible to me. To just be like, I'm good for a while. I also associate it with people. The shit could go down. Yeah. I also associate it with people who have like a little refrigerator, not like the tiny kind, but the like small, the kind

that's maybe three feet tall. Yeah. That just has drinks in it. Oh yeah. Just like a drink, a drink fridge. And you're like, where did those drinks even come from? You carried those home from the, and then you're like, no, I am in the suburbs. They put them in a, in a Suburban.

Yeah. Drove them directly to their refrigerator, filled their refrigerator with Diet Cokes. Oh, what a beautiful thing that is. It's amazing to me. We always, as a kid, a thing my family shares, and I think sometimes we have a hard time as a family finding common ground about stuff. But I think one thing that we all share is we hate diet soda. But we always had a couple in the fridge in case Auntie Sandra came over. She loved Diet Coke.

She had to have her Diet Coke. She had one in the morning. She had one at night. That's a classic thing to have in the fridge. Yeah. A couple of Diet Cokes for Auntie Sandra. My Aunt Deb, not to be confused with my Aunt Debbie. I love, yeah.

She was a big diet. By the way, this is Aunt Tuck. Aunt Tuck. Aunt Tug Aunt Tug Diet Dr. Pepper drinker and when I would go over she'd give me a Diet Dr. Pepper because she just had a fridge full that was living also didn't really have soda at my house Emily any ants?

I do have some ants we never really stored things in the fridge for them well you're fucking up the segment you're fucking up the segment but they store things in the fridge for them um well you're fucking up the segment you're fucking up the set i will store things in the fridge for you uh well when every when we used to do christmas at my parents house we would uh every year my aunt shirley would bring uh for dessert jello she had a jello brain mold it was like the shape of a human brain. And she would make it would be like some kind of strawberry jello and she would put milk in it so that it actually looked like a brain. So I guess she would have to keep that in the fridge until it was time for us to eat it. So we just left her some room for the brain and it never really lost its charm. Oh, but you know what? You, Emily, grew up not that far from the other kind of food profligacy and bounty that enchants me more than any other, which is a supermarket called the Berkeley Bowl in Berkeley, California, where last time I was there, they had four different kinds of satsumas.

The variety of citrus available at this rundown hangar of a grocery store. We never really shopped there. But I will say the Bay Area, we had – there was this one thing that we always had in our freezer that me and my siblings recently were talking about. And we were like, what was that? And it was like – our parents would keep it in the freezer. It was these like packages of like some kind of chocolate mint soy milk slushy thing. And I was asking my brother about it recently, and he went down this crazy rabbit hole where he eventually found deep in an Amazon review for a different soy milk product, someone basically telling this exact same story of them having a memory, a very distinct flavor memory of this type of slushy soy milk that they would keep in the freezer and then doing a bunch of research and figuring out that that company was bought by this company and this product basically tastes exactly the same and this is the actual product. We still haven't bought it, but I really want to.

What was the original product? It was like West Soy was the company. I don't remember what it was called, but it came in these little like seafoam green pouches. Right. And pictures of the bear and steen bears on it. Yeah. Do you remember? I think that like the central insight – as someone who grew up – like my mom's apartment, the nearest grocery store was a co-op grocery store, was a natural foods grocery store called Rainbow Grocery.

Right. And so that was where we walked to and back to get our groceries. And it was great. It was good. Good food. No complaints overall, except that I think that the one insight that Whole Foods had was not that people who have decided to eat that kind of food

will just pay any price for it no matter what. Like there's no reason for it to be a co-op or to keep costs down or whatever. Generally speaking, those people were already rich. That's how they ended up deciding that. Most of them are not people who like just live nearby as I was. But the other thing that Whole Foods, I think, had an insight was like people who are eating these whatever these days quinoa foods or whatever. In those days, it was carob.

Yeah. But like those people don't – they don't want to eat your garbage soy treats. They just want a more fancier version of regular ice cream. Of regular ice cream. customer base who were trying to buy bulk carob chips and the Whole Foods customer base is basically the Whole Foods customer base wants to buy a $12 dessert. Yeah. Like they're like, oh, that's why I'm here. Like I'm willing to pay extra for my milk so that I can be in a grocery store where

there are crazy ass treats. be in a grocery store where there are crazy ass treats. And now that I'm an adult, I want to pay three times as much for the worst kinds of groceries. That's my whole, I want spoiled milk and I'm going to pay $500 for it. Yeah. Yeah. That's the classic progression. Yeah.

I mean, we're just at that point in our lives, right guys? I was allowed to get one of anything when I went to the grocery store with my mom. Would you ever get like a spatula? Well, that's the thing. There was nothing. There was no good thing. I'll take one shelving unit. There was not a good thing available

at Rainbow Grocery. What about a fruit leather? So that's where you're at. Fruit leather is literally the top of the pile. I would get a fruit leather. Maybe not the taste, but it's fun to nom on. I mean, I don't hate fruit leather. I'm not saying it's disgusting.

I'm just saying it's not really good. I remember just begging my mom to get me a Squeeze-Its. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. If I could have gone to a grocery store that even had Squeeze-Its. Oh, yeah. God. If I could have gone to a grocery store that even had Squeeze-Its, that's the thing. It's not like my mom was anti-sugar cereal or something. She just didn't want to. Just not available within walking distance, and we didn't have a car. Squeeze-It in the freezer.

Ooh. Yeah. It's a fun treat. Shit. What if you had a chocolate mint soy squeeze it? That's a day. I know that I didn't really sell that, but it really was exquisite. It's funny because you saying that made me think of like of some kind of drink that they had at the Rainbow Grocery when I was a kid that was chocolate soy flavor.

Malted. Maybe it might even have been. I think it was a drink that we just put in the freezer that we weren't supposed to. Really? Yeah. I think that might be it. I think you have fond memories of it and I have like revolted memories of it. People feel like we grew up in an era where a lot more things were malted.

What's malted these days? Basically nothing. I love malt. Just whoppers. I'll tell you this. As a guy who malted. What's malted these days? Basically nothing. I love malt. Just whoppers? I'll tell you this. As a guy who loves malt, it's kind of hard even to get malt powder these days. Sure, yeah. I had to go to the smart and final.

Can I ask what is a malt powder made of? Malt. What is malt? Bones. Oh, no. Ground up bones. I've got to make a phone call. Man, when I was like...

It's soy milk, but it has bones in it. It's for no one. When I was at college, maybe freshman, sophomore year of college... Oh, UC Santa Cruz? It's UC Santa Cruz. Shout out to UC Santa Cruz. We all went there. We all went there.

We all went there. Are you our first... B plus students. B plus students. B plus students. Is Emily our first person who's been to college? Am I the first banana slug on the show? Jean. We've had our friend Jean on.

Okay. Besides friends of ours from college. Well, of course, we've had Maya Rudolph many times. Maya Rudolph. Not been on the show. That'd be great. Maya, if you're out there, we'd love to have you. What dorm were you in?

I was in college 10 and then my senior year, I did a paper transfer to Porter. Yeah. That meant nothing, but I just got to apply for some money. Shouts the fuck out to Porter College. So when I was in college,

I was at, you know how you go out to a diner with your friends? Sure. Fun times. And we were there and my friend Ben, who was on The Secret World of Alex Mack, that was like his claim to fame. Who was he on The Secret World of Alex Mack? Like a neighbor or something.

Oh, shit. Yeah. He played the puddle, right? From like ages 10 to 13 or something like that. Oh, man. Anyway. I'm surprised I didn't hear about that guy, because that is the type of guy that I would have heard about having gone there. Someone who was involved in SNCC.

Yeah. He had two. Did any of the Midnight Society go to our college? He had two claims to fame. He had been on The Secret World of Alex Mack and he had a highway legal Vespa. The very committed mod, I guess. No, they have Lambrettas. I think mods have Vespas.

Some kind of hardcore guy. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. So Ben had never had a malt, and we found this out. We're like, because we were all talking about milkshakes, we were at this diner, think about ordering a milkshake. We're like, man, you should get a malt, dude. Malts are good.

You've never had one before? You should get a malt. The poor guy ordered a strawberry malt, which is gross. And then he's like, malts are gross. And we're like, yeah, it's just that we didn't have time to tell you not to get a strawberry malt. Yeah, you should have stopped him. But it was one of those things. The waitress is moving around so fast.

It wasn't that we threw him under the bus. We just didn't have time to. Yeah. And you were like, I don't know. Maybe I've never had that. Maybe it's fine. Is he doing that on purpose? Is that something his mom liked?

Yeah. Is that something his mom liked? I don't know. There's definitely something Freudian about this. Oh, right. Sure. He wasn't breastfed long enough, so he ordered strawberry malts. It's a common problem.

Sometimes if I'm making a smoothie in the morning, I'll put a frozen banana in there, put some milk in there. AM smoothie. Put in some protein powder. A couple of potstickers. Chicken bake. Daddy deserves some milk. Frozen apple teas, some dilly bars.

And a Diet Dr. Pepper for my Aunt Deb. I'll put some malt in there, and that's the life, my friend. Sounds like a fun morning. Banana malt is a great malt. Sounds like a fun morning. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Yeah, I don't have it. Those were titles. Right, yes, exactly. They're military titles.

My title is Archduke. That we got for military service. Jordan. Yes. Guess what? The Summer Boys. Wait, I haven't guessed yet. Okay. The Summer Boys, the summer tour is coming to your town.

Yes. If you live in a short list of towns. Medium list of towns. Long coming to your town. Yes. If you live in one of the towns. A short list of towns. Medium list of towns. Long for us. Sure. What are we looking at? Chicago, Illinois, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Brooklyn,

New York City, Boston, Massachusetts, Washington, the District of Columbia, and Austin. Jordan, that's in Texas, the state. It sure is. Texas, more a state now than it's ever been. Oh, yeah, baby. Starting on June 12th all the way through June 29th. You can see those dates at MaximumFun.org slash Summer Boys of Summer. We got a bunch of fun guests who you have heard on the show before.

We got those riff tracks in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh, yeah. All three of them, baby. Yeah, that's right. We got those riff tracks in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh, yeah. All three of them, baby. Yeah, that's right. We got Mike, too. Mike, Bill, and? Kevin. Kevin.

I almost said Tom because his name was Tom Servo on Mystery Science Game 3000, so I'm glad I didn't do that. What a fucking dork move that would have been, huh? Yep. So, yeah, absolutely. Courtney Anlow from Trends Like These in Chicago, we already got booked. Austin, Texas, June 29th. Griffin and Rachel McElroy. Yeah, we got Ted Leo coming to our show in New York City and Boston, Massachusetts.

Hey, okay. Great. Yeah, maybe you heard of him, Teddy Rockstar. I have. Washington, D.C., Glenn Weldon. Oh, G-dubs. And more to come. Yeah, it's going to be him, Teddy Rockstar? I have. Washington, D.C.? Glenn Weldon. Oh, G-dubs. And more to come. Yeah, it's going to be a really, really fun tour.

It's the first time we have done this in quite some time, and we'd love to see you out there. We're also booking a Los Angeles show. That's around the corner. And there is a Judge John Hodgman live show in Los Angeles June 6th at the Regent Theater. Lots of fun chances. All of this is going to be—this is the first time, Jordan, that you and I have gone on tour in how long? A long time. I think we did it with-

Eight years or something? You look nice today. Yeah. No, no, we did one- That was the last. We did one with Stop Podcasting Yourself, like two years after that. So that would be like nine years ago. Listen, we're doing it now.

We'll probably never do it again. So if you're going to wait till the next one. We're not successful. This won't be profitable for us. It won't go well. Have you seen the movie Old Dogs? Is it going to be like that? Oh, yeah.

I call William H. Macy. Is it the one where they're riding? What's the one where they're riding motorcycles? Yeah, that's Wild Hogs or Old Dogs. I think that's Cool Frogs. Is it Eggnogs? Eggnogs, yes, exactly. Eggnogs. I would definitely see a movie

called Eggnogs, no matter what it was about. Here come these nogs. Yeah, we're going to have cool guests at every single one of these shows. We're just adding them on while we add them on, but you better buy your tickets now or else you're going to be ass out. Yeah. June 12th, we're starting there in Minneapolis, Minnesota, going all the way to

Austin on the 29th of June. There's going to be a lot of fun summer props and theming. We know you like theming. Are we going to have props? Yeah, right? Didn't Brian say he's going to have props? Brian's nodding. Yeah, Brian's making props. Holy shit, Brian. I'm going to have props? Brian's nodding. Yeah, Brian's making props. Holy shit, Brian.

I'm going to get some props. Oh, cool. Like a blow-up palm tree or something. That's exactly what I was just going to guess. Oh, sorry. Hey, Jordan, props over there. Props to Brian. Oh, my gosh.

And we'll be flying everywhere on a propeller plane. I thought you were going to ride motorcycles. Oh, yeah, we are. Because we're the eggnogs. You know those eggnogs always revving up their Harleys. We are. Born to be wild. It's the one about Santa on vacation and he takes a motorcycle ride during the summer because he's got time off.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he's got big guns, too. In all seriousness, though, this is very exciting for us. We love to get out and shake hands with everybody. And we're going to be wearing Big Dog's T-shirts at every stop. I'm going to be wearing a Big Johnson T-shirt. Yeah.

That should be our theme. Funny 90s, like, fun fat guy T-shirts. You're not the lead dog. The view never changes. Just like shirts that people would wear in a pool. Yeah, exactly. If you were embarrassed to go in a pool with your shirt off, you had a shirt that said, second place is the first loser. A little classic wisdom.

From the big dog. Man, shirts were aggressive when we were kids. Shirts were in your fucking face. Man, the Summer Boys of Life Tour is... God damn it. Okay. Edit this out. No, no, no.

Edit it out. Blah, blah, blah, blah. The Summer Boys of Summer Tour is is life everything else is just details christ is lord um yeah so we're gonna this is like this is a big fucking deal for us i had to i had to go through a fucking like uh camp david level negotiations with my wife to put together a tour this big. For many, many, many years, Jordan has had inflexible work that does not allow us to plan a tour like this. Jordan has his wild and free lifestyle right now.

So we finally have like a window where we can do this. We are pumped to do it. And like, this is very exciting for us. It's very exciting for Brian. Brian hasn't left the house in months other than to come here to do this show.

And in fact, I'm a little worried he's living here. And he's finally found a use for those blow up palm trees he's been hoarding. Yeah. Wait, what is he using them for? Oh, I don't know.

Brian, you fucking those? Let us know, baby. He's been eating the coconuts. So please come out to these fucking shows. Don't miss them. And then call us and say, how come you're never coming to Austin? Yeah, we just came to Austin, Texas, asshole.

We're just there. We saw a movie at the Draft House. We're coming to many of your towns. Mm-hmm. Most towns. Minneapolis and Chicago. If we're not at your town, we're in driving distance from your town or a short flight on a propeller airplane.

Take a flight to see us. Take the Amtrak up to Washington, D.C. Atlanta. Yeah, if you're in Maine. Come on, Tallahasseetrak up to Washington, D.C. Atlanta. Yeah, if you're in Maine. Come on, Tallahassee. Jump in a puddle jumper. Yeah. Grab a puddle jumper.

Sure. That's one of those pontoon airplanes. Hop in a quick hovercraft. God. You know what? You know why I recommend a puddle jumper above all else? You might meet that hot babe pilot from Northern Exposure. Oh, I don't remember.

Oh, yes. I'll take your word for it. She was super foxy. Sure. Wait, who was the pilot? Oh, it was like the main- The lady who was always wearing a leather jacket and was really pretty. The main love interest on that?

Yeah, the main love interest. Yeah, I think he had a couple. I think they got together and then broke up for the last six years of it or something, but yeah. No hurricane on Northern Exposure. For the last six years of it or something, but yeah. No hurricane on Northern Exposure. You can find all those tour dates at MaximumFun.org slash Summer Boys of Summer.

Ticket links are all up. All the tickets are on sale now, except for Los Angeles. We are finalizing those details now. And we are, I don't know, fingers crossed for one Northern California day, but we're not sure. We're not sure. Maybe. We're going to try and fit in Northern California. We hear you that you want us to come up there.

We want to come up there. Look, we're banana slugs, just like Emily Heller. Yeah. Those Redwoods are calling. I also want to mention. They call to me. Their ancient wisdom calls to me. I also want to mention at the Put This On Shop.

Get high and check me out, they say. It is spring drop month. I have not put anything new into the Put This On Shop, just building up new inventory all year long until this month. And every Wednesday we're dropping new stuff at the Put This On Shop. That's at PutThisthisonshop.com. We've got some cool vintage accessories and clothing up this week. And I think next week is going to be cufflinks. I'm not sure.

Anyway, putthisonshop.com. You looked at me like I knew. Yeah. You do the merchandising for the store. Right, yeah. Visual merchandising. Okay, we'll be back in just a second. I'll draw that. It's Jordan, Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Emily Heller, guest. Okay, so Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. This poor man has been buried under a pile of mail such as not existed since Fonzie left Happy Days. He just has like a snorkel sticking out of it. Yeah. It is.

And it's because of this, Emily. Some weeks ago on this program, we introduced the question of how many of our listeners were named Bronson. That naturally led immediately to the question of how many of our listeners have been on Jeopardy. This in turn led to the question of how many of our listeners had been on Jeopardy. This, in turn, led to the question of how many of our listeners had a fez. That led to how many of our

listeners had worn bowling shoes not for bowling. Then we ended up with how many of our listeners had been in a cover band. And that immediately led to how many of our listeners had been in a real submarine. It turns out... It's a classic 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. And that immediately led to how many of our listeners had been in a real submarine. Right. It turns out – It's a classic one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Emily, I want to ask you. So I think kind of what we're doing here is an exercise in kind of trying to like figure out the audience. Yeah. Could you do this to Baby Geniuses listeners? Do you think you could say like – How many of you? You could get a sizable chunk who have done X or who have X. For a while we were asking if anyone was a teen or a cop.

Or a teen cop in a hilarious 90s movie starring Wesley Snipes. And we got a few emails from both and several of them were definitely fake. So what can you do? I hope we haven't had any fake calls for this segment. Although some of the fake teens were cops. Right. Trying to buy drugs from you. You have to tell us.

And they were like, that's not actually true. It's nice that they admitted it's not actually true before you got yourself in trouble. But other than that, no. We just ask people to send us pictures of their butts. And they do that more than you'd think they would. We get so many butt pics. We get a lot of butt pics. Clothed butts?

No, no, naked butts. Nude butts? And then sometimes wearing underwear too. Sometimes they'll paint their butts. Sometimes they'll draw pictures on their butts. That's nice. Sometimes they'll be like, I got a huge bruise. Check it out.

That's like if you're going on what they call the bruise cruise sure right yeah uh and they say i was cruising for a bruising and i got it i got what was due oh that's beautiful yeah that's really nice that really reflects the intimacy of the relationship between a podcaster and their audience and i gotta say so far i haven't seen a single butt pick where i was like that's a gross butt. They've been pretty good butts. Everyone, I've been like, wow, butts are everyone's best feature. Besides the obvious, what would...

I mean, there's one thing that would make any butt gross, but... Yeah, which is being too tan. No, yeah. No one has sent us a picture of themselves in the middle of pooping, which I'm truly grateful for every day of my life. How do they get these pictures to you? Email? They email it to us. Do you have a butt address?

Specific butt address? No, it's just our regular babygeniusespodcast at gmail.com. Just send us pictures of your butts. We can give you a maximum Fun address if you want one. I know you've had that one for 10 years, but... That's interesting. What have people painted on their butts? It's hard to remember.

Sometimes people have painted, like, Lisa-specific things, like her art, or they'll just say, Hello, babies, on it. Sometimes they'll just have... They'll be like, I was drawing on my butt anyway and I realized this would be the right time to send you a picture so it won't be related to the podcast at all.

Do you know why they would, what are you drawing on your butt for? Some sort of performance? Just like in college drunk with their friends just sort of like, what if we did this? I don't know. Or maybe they're being photographed for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and it's one of those painted on swimsuits.

That hasn't happened yet. Listen, we all had different college experiences. Some of us painted our butts, and some of us got a strawberry malt. It's a range of experiences. Yeah. But all 100% at UC Santa Cruz. Yes, all of this is happening at UC Santa Cruz.

All of these things happened on a unicycle. At any given moment. Oh, that's interesting. So, you know, your listeners are, if you could, they are maybe not teens and cops as much as you would like, but they are butt exhibitionists. Yes. Butt-submissionists. And some of them have said, like, I've been working up the courage to do this for three years. Wow.

To send you a butt. And we always appreciate it. And I just wanted to, this is unrelated, but I'm pretty sure Alan farted and I'm really sorry. Because we're in a very small room. Oh, yeah, there it is. There's that dog fart. There's that dog fart. And yesterday he farted so bad that he buried his head in a pillow on the couch.

And I'm not sure if it was from shame or so that he wouldn't smell it anymore. Who dealt it? Who dealt it? You dealt it. I'm really sorry. We're opening the door and airing it out. I just wanted, I'm, really, I just got this dug so people wouldn't know that I farted. He has to go everywhere with me.

He really freaks out if I leave him. So we promised Jordan. He has to come to Taco Bell with me. He really freaks out if I leave him. So we promised Jordan. He has to come to Taco Bell with me. We promised Jordan. Well, Brian, I want to check in. Sorry I did that mean voice for you. I didn't mean to. I want to check in with you.

No, yeah, that's what I sound like, though. I felt bad. I was not aggressive. What was the big movement in this past week as the stragglers came in? Was it continued to be primarily people who have worn drug rugs? Yeah. We actually had a strong showing from the drug rugs in their fourth week. Wait, what's a drug rug?

Like a woven poncho-like sweatshirt. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A baja. Yeah. More drug rugs than any of the old ones. Speaking of UC Santa Cruz. Yeah, speaking of UC Santa Cruz. Four drug rugs, one of the old ones. Speaking of UC Santa Cruz. Yeah, speaking of UC Santa Cruz.

Four drug rugs, one bowling shoe guy, and one Fez guy. Straglers. So we're in week two of the sub. Are you just like polling guys I used to date? Right. We're in week two of the sub versus cover band battle, and the subs are just killing it again uh 58 subs this week and uh 13 cover bands including one green day uh only cover band is there's just like one submarine

that everyone gets to tour that's like you go on a school trip or something that's probably it right field trips i mean i think it's a combination of like, you know, people in our audience, you know, they are of the age where they went to a lot of like submarines on school trips. Right. And also, I think we do probably have a lot of military history nerds. Yeah. There's a combination of those things. Active military. Or active military.

Sure. We've definitely had a couple of those. So this week, the best one was a guy who went on a sub in between shows. He went this week with his G.I. Joe photo group. They take military photos dressed up like G.I. Joe's. Like one's roadblock and one's snake eyes and one's Lady J. Yeah. I know where G.I. Joe goes.

That's pretty solid. Thank you. I'm surprised as you are. I was already thinking of Masters of the Universe. I'm like, and Moss Man. Me. Joe goes. Yeah, that was pretty solid. Yeah, thank you. I'm surprised as you are. I was already thinking of Masters of the Universe. I'm like, and Mossman. Mechanic. I'm interested, though, that the photography is central to it. That's the part that is, like, were he here, I would be interested.

It's not just that he has, like, a club where they all dress up like G.I. Joe's or even a club where they all dress up like G.I. Joe's and go to like G.I. Joe conventions or regular nerd conventions that are general interest. But they're like a group of G.I. Joe's like all the bad guys like those people like people who are in a storm trooper club. I like that they're a photo club where it's just like their thing is. Well what if a bunch of G.I. Joe's went to the Grand Canyon. This is what it's just like their thing is, well, what if a bunch of G.I. Joes went to the Grand Canyon?

This is what it would look like. This is why I can't be on Instagram is because I just see too many people dressed up like G.I. Joes. And I think my life's not good. Sure. I want that. I want that.

Aunt Debbie does that. I want to be Sergeant Slaughter. At the Super Bloom. At the Super Bloom. With Cobra Commander. So, Jordan, you mentioned that you had an idea. Yes. I mean, it's kind of related to what we've been talking about, actually.

Again, I don't know that there's any beating sub. It's been such a phenomenon for this. Is the goal now to come up with something that will beat that? Well, I mean, what are we doing? What are the rules? Are we starting over? Are we starting a new round? We're starting over.

I think we're starting a new round because the reality was the submarine was so powerful. Like an actual submarine is powerful. Yeah. It was deadly but not silent. Sure, yeah. Unlike Alan. Yeah. It was both.

Here's mine. And you know what? This might be summary, but I think it'll at least give us a new kind of jumping off point. Okay. How many people in our audience have worn a costume as part of a date, not on Halloween? Worn a costume as part of a date, not on Halloween. Worn a costume as part of a date. How many people

have done some sort of romantic activity where you have to wear a costume? Well, that's just every person in our audience that goes to the Renaissance Fair, isn't it? Well, I mean, that doesn't have to be necessarily as a date. That you go to the Renaissancenaissance fair isn't it well i mean that doesn't have to be necessarily as a date that you go to the renaissance fair yeah i think a vast majority of the people who go to the

renaissance fair well you're there to fuck i mean obviously uh naturally you don't see those big turkey legs and not get horny in a lot of ways the idea that people are at the Renaissance fair to fuck is the premise of this show. Of this podcast? To the extent that it has a premise. I would be interested to hear, you know, and I think this includes the G.I. Joe photo groups of the world. This includes a Ren Faire date. This includes a Santa con. Okay.

Santa con is a good example. I have a technical question. Yes, of course. That's what we're here for. Does, like, laser tag count? Because you're wearing, like, a vest and you're kind of dressed up like a – but it's not really a costume. Is that equipment or a costume? I think in that – I mean, and that's a great question.

I think that – I think in that case it is equipment. Okay. But, I mean, do you – are you wearing additional shit to laser tag that they don't rent you? Yes. So it's just not stuff that, like, you get at the thing. Well, but also there is this one thing that you can do in Japan where you ride go-karts around the city and you wear, like, Mario costumes. Yeah. And so that.

If you're doing that romantically. And that's a full costume. Sure. So I feel like that would count. That seems like, that's definitely something costume, so I feel like that would count. That seems like definitely something you'd do to fuck. Right. So I think that's in. We should get him on that blue shell.

Okay, so I think Santa Con is going to come up big. But not any kind of practical outfit. Like, not like if you go to play roller hockey and both people are wearing hockey sweaters. Yeah, I think like sports games don't count if you wear like jerseys of your favorite, you know. Yeah.

You should probably don't count anything where if you were there and you called it a costume, someone would be like costume. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I think I think people our audience knows what a costume. Yeah. What if some of our listeners are victorian quarters and they're wearing bathing costumes sure yeah i think that works okay um yeah oh yeah i mean dickens fair you've been romantically to the dickens fair yeah i think this could beat submarine i don't think you're wrong i don't know that it'll beat sub but i think it's a good if we're starting anew

with something that is strong i'm gonna give a classic to contrast with it. Please. This is one that I learned from, and in many ways, I think we've mentioned this the first time, but in many ways, this segment inspired by the Upright Citizens Brigade and their famous show, Ask Cat. They will sometimes poll the audience just to find out what kind of people are in the house. They will sometimes poll the audience just to find out what kind of people are in the house. And the classic question that they ask, that the original four like to ask, is how many people have been on an elephant? So I'm going to put up been on an elephant. They often accompany that with how many people have been on an elephant or been hit on by andy dick uh surprisingly often andy dick wins yeah uh but i want to hear how many jordan jesse go listeners have been on an audience in addition to how many on an elephant

on yes thank you how many in our audience have been on an elephant uh in addition to how many have worn a costume on a date what about can married couple what about date night for married couples if part of your date night includes dressing up as see because but then you're getting into like then you're then you're getting into like just people who share a hobby. You know what I mean? Yeah. Why is that bad? Like wait.

So you think that a date only counts if there's a chance you don't have it in common? For there to be juice. One person has to not like it? For the costume to have juice. I feel like a married couple date is a different kind of thing. That's more just like an activity. Like I do lots of activities with my wife. Speak for yourself.

Some married people have very romantic dates. I don't make every night date night, Jesse. And I'll have you know my husband hates wearing costumes. And when you guys go out, he always dresses up like your favorite American gladiator laser because he loves you. That's what love is, Jesse. Sub-question, though.

How do we define for a married couple... This is different than a question about a summary. This feels like a deep question. This is actually technically a hoagie question. For our friends in New England. Yeah. How do we define, and I'm This is actually technically a hoagie question. Our friends in New England. Yeah.

How do we define, and I'm looking at you, Emily, because you're a married woman, as am I a married man. I don't think anyone's ever referred to me as a married woman before. But you are. Yeah, it just sounded weird. Anyway. It's cool. It's cool to be married. Trust me. I'm a married woman.

You're supposed to say that in Costco. I'm a married woman and I have a drink of cola. I want to know how do we draw the line between just a regular activity and a date for the married couple? Because I feel like it's more clear. I'm worried we're going to get people who are like, oh, yeah, my husband and I were both in the church Christmas show. Here's what I think. Because I don't know about you, but for us, we will say, like, it's a date night. Right.

If we're going to, like, explicitly, like, it's not just like we're going to go see a movie. It's like we're going to have a date night. Like, let's have a date. So I think if you're that kind of couple, like, you know when you're delineating if it's like we're gonna have a date night like let's have a date so i think if you're that kind of couple like you know when you're delineating if it's a date or not a date so what i'm saying is just like if you're just like honor code yourself if you and your husband are just both into civil war re reenacting and just like when the civil war reenactment thing happens you go out and camp out for the day or whatever. Yeah. And you both wear the costume.

You know whether or not that's a date. And as you can tell from the skepticism in my voice, that's probably not a date. But if you guys go – Why can't that be a date? Why is that not a date? That's fun. Very often when I'm hanging out with my husband, I'm like, I don't want to be weird, but like, is this a date? I'm sorry.

We've got to get clarity in our terms. No, but I know what you mean. Because you said hang out, but what does that mean? Yeah. Do you know what I mean, right, Emily? You understand the distinction I'm trying to draw. I understand the distinction, and I think that we should just like, yeah, it's not like walk into the farmer's market. That's not a fucking date.

Yeah. It's if you know. Although, please let us know if you wear costumes to the farmer's market. It's just a fun side bet we can have on this. You know whether it's a date or not. I'm one of those purple cauliflowers. I'm an expensive bag of almonds. So Emily, it just does intentional romance.

Does that does that feel like an appropriate standard? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think, yeah, it should be like it's a thing we are doing together as a couple because of being a couple. Because, like, I don't want to be clear. You know, you mentioned you have romance with your husband. Yes. And I, as a married person, too, also have romance with your husband.

Yeah, he's really into you. My husband is Alan the dog. Who just farted. Okay, so Ben on an elephant. Yeah. And I'm talking about a live elephant, a real live elephant. Yeah, not a lot of wiggle room there.

Not just Thumper, the mascot of the Oakland Athletics. Sure. If you fuck Thumper. We've all fucked Thumper, the mascot of the Oakland Athletics. Sure. If you fuck Thumper. We've all fucked Thumper. We've all listened. Once you see those sunglasses on an elephant, you can't help but get horny. For the folks at home, Emily tipped her shades.

It's like when you say, don't think about an elephant, and then you come. Yeah, exactly. You're awesome, Emily. Can I ask you guys one mascot-related question? Sure. I probably won't know the answer, but – 206-984-4FUN is the telephone number or jjgoe at maximumfun.org is the email address. Either one of those will work.

Tell us if you have been on a live elephant, on top of a live elephant. You don't have to have driven it somewhere, but you don't have to be a member of the Mongol horde. But if you've been on an elephant or if you have worn a costume on a date that is not a Halloween date, those are our two categories.

Can I say something real quick? Yeah. Can people not do both? Because I can't get a good count if people are emailing and calling. People have doubled up. Choose a fucking medium, people. What do you think you are?

What if you went on a romantic elephant ride while dressed up in a costume? As an elephant. Just to mess with its head. Whoa, I'm you, but I'm riding you. God, I'd love to see Thumper As an elephant. Just to mess with its head. Whoa, I'm you, but I'm riding you. God, I'd love to see Thumper riding an elephant. That'd be great.

So here's my question about mascots. Yes. I mean, you guys are not, I don't know about you, Emily, but maybe you're not a sports nut. No, I'm not. You guys have been. How? No, I'm not. You guys have seen mascots, seen what they do.

Yeah. Does it seem like there's too much pelvic thrusting in today's mascots? That seems to be like one of their top moves. They have like a hoop around their penis region or vagina region. Right. And then they thrust it at people who don't, should not be assaulted in that manner. I think that you are sexualizing them unnecessarily. Are they just doing a fun dance?

If you're in a costume like that and the hula hoop is the only thing with a real amount of motion to it, of course you're going to wiggle the hula hoop because they're far away from a lot of people. They've got to just be like. It's got to read. It's got to read. It's got to read. But they should do something to stabilize the genital region and accentuate a different region like the tummy. Jesse, are you uncomfortable with how much jacking off to gritty you do? It's cool, man.

Jack off to gritty, man. I'm not judging you. 2019, that's like the whole thing about 2019. Jacking off to gritty? Remember when Jennifer Lopez came out and everybody was like, let's talk about big butts. When Jennifer Lopez came out and everybody was like, let's talk about big butts. When Jennifer Lopez came out?

Like when she got famous. Yeah. Everyone was like, big butts are the new thing. Now, jacking off to gritties is the new thing. It's normal.

She's got a pretty big butt too. Yeah. Remember when everybody was into Dragon's fucking cars? I'd say They still are. 2014 or so. That's timeless, though.

Like Cats, the musical. Now and forever. I think that they know what they're doing. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, it's like you can't get the fans worked up if you don't use your pelvis. Without sexuality. That's what Elvis taught us.

Well, I don't think it's sexual. Elvis the pelvis. I'm talking about the ice dancer. Oh my God, is that why he named himself Elvis? Yeah. Because he moved his pelvis? I think so. That bastard. Who are we talking about, Elvis Stoico?

I'm talking about Elvis Presley. Oh, Elvis Presley? Not familiar with him. Is he related to Elvis Stoico, the ice dancer? Yeah, they're brothers. Okay. They have the same first? Yeah, they're brothers. Okay. They have the same first name. And different last names. We should explain they're Japanese.

Okay. We have a very special phone call. Yeah. Don't we? Let's hear this phone call. Hey, this is Alex from Ontario, California. I'm calling about two momentous occasions I had this week. The first was I met Jordan at work.

I was his bartender. I recognized him at first, but the only pictures I ever saw of him were with him smiling, and his neutral face is quite different. So I wasn't sure if it was him, so I asked him for his ID, so I didn't make an ass out of myself by guessing and being wrong. I wanted to chat with Jordan, but he was with his buddies, so I didn't want to be an obnoxious fan. I've seen a lot of celebrities in my life living and working in LA my whole life. I've never been a starstruck type but seeing me and Jordan was a highlight of my year.

The second momentous occasion is getting a shout out on the show and he said he would and when I heard it I couldn't stop smiling it was so awesome I wish Jesse had been there but I know what my workplace isn't exactly his scene I want to say thank you Jordan for making my week so awesome to clarify I commute 15 to 20 hours a week so I've been listening every day for the past six months or so I'm down to the final 40 episodes thanks for making my drives enjoyable also I wanted to say those listeners who don't like Brian's laughing, fuck you. Thanks for watching the show. It's the first laugh track. Thanks again.

Love the show. Keep it up, guys. And yes, I had to write that down, so I didn't fuck up. This was a statement prepared by his lawyer. His lawyer is Brian. Brian does a little paralegal work on the side. Anything notarized? Brian Fernandez. He's thinking about running for president.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. He should. Yeah, that was Alex from the Hollywood and Highland Dave and Busters. What a guy. Holler at Alex. Yeah. That was really from a Dave and Busters?

Yeah. That's awesome. And you weren't smiling ear to ear the entire time you were there. I don't know when he caught me. Because if I'm in D&B, I'm grinning from E to E. So I don't know what was going on. Maybe I was farting. You got serious for a second.

If I'm in D&B, I've been convicted of B&E. Right. Because I only go there after hours. Yeah, steal those quarters baby wait a minute no steal the tickets yeah get yourself a nintendo ds yeah for four thousand um yeah it was great it was great meeting alex at the dave and busters and um yeah he seems like a real stand-up guy who wrote himself a nice little essay jordan i like that you added for four thousand at the end of that but I think you're kind of

showing your ticket privilege here, that your go-to thing is it. I know that you are so good at skee-ball that you get, but you know, first of all, skee-ball is culturally biased. Sure, that's right. Like a Scantron test. The Scantron test of Dave and Buster's. Okay, let's take one regular momentous occasion before we wrap this thing up, Brian. Hey, Jordan.

Jesse. And possibly no guess. Maybe Steve Agee. That's probably a good guess. This is Matthew Bunch. And Joe from Paul's Vote. Joe Rinks, sir. And we just finished taping our Jeopardy! Teachers Tournament competition.

And it was fantastic. Super fun. And we just finished taping our Jeopardy! Teachers Tournament competition. And it was fantastic, super fun, and we loved it, and we totally made out as per your suggestion. You're welcome. Yeah, no special, yeah, I tapped my nose three times. Once for you, once, I mean, once for Jesse, once for Jordan, once for my favorite guest. That shall remain nameless because I can't think of a funny one right now. Mystery. And, yeah, so I'm sure you would love to know who won and who didn't win. No.

You'll have to tune in and find out the second and third week of May. Yeah, my episode is May 6th. And I'm May 7th. Party on. Awesome. Talk to you guys later. You guys had the pickup artist mystery on the show

yeah taught us how to taught us how to neg women oh that's awesome we've been negging Alan this whole time oh May 6th and 7th

on JeffRD let's all watch check your local listings that's great I hope they did actually make out I hope that wasn't

a goof yeah you know if they were just goofing and he didn't actually do it, fucking make it happen. Where are the married Jordan Jesse Goh fans? Where they fell in love because of Jordan Jesse Goh? I don't know. You got any of those in the Baby Geniuses?

In the Baby Geniuses fandom? I don't know. I officiated a wedding once right before boatparty.biz, our cruise. Yeah. But then the groom emailed me later that day I'd broken up. Ooh. How responsible do you feel? 65%. Okay.

Yeah. That's probably what I would guess also. Yeah, no, I don't know if we have any people who have met because of the podcast. We don't really facilitate that. We like to keep them lonely. It's better for business. Listen under a blanket with a flashlight. Well, congratulations and good luck to our Jeopardy! listeners.

We'll be rooting for you. Watch them on Jeopardy! Gosh darn it. Have a little party and support them. Yeah. Have a Jeopardy! party. Gosh darn it. Emily, what's your money on?

Are you thinking that there's going to be more costume wearers, more costume wearers on dates or more people who've been on elephants? More costume wearers on dates or more people who've been on elephants? That's a tough one because I'm trying to think. Like I know I've been on an elephant. Yes. Wow. When were you on an elephant? I don't remember.

I just know I did it. All right. You know it to be true. You're like, I was really drunk and I was at an A's game at the Coliseum. I just have a picture of myself and I know no details about it. No, but I, and I don't think I've worn a costume on a date, but I don't think I'm a representative sample. Now you, Jordan, you went on a Santa con date once, didn't you? Yeah, I did not dress up though. I was a stick in the mud, not dressed up as Santa.

Have you been on a different costume date before? Let me think. Have I? I've made out backstage at a high school play. Does that count? Last year? I feel like every date I've been on, I wear the costume of a person who cares what they look like. And that is not representative of who I am.

Yeah. But no one knows. Oh, I did go to the Ren Faire with a girl I of who I am. Yeah. But no one knows. Oh, I did go to the Ren Faire with a girl I liked in high school. Yeah. You know, I think that might have been a thing. Did you wear a Ren Faire outfit? I did, yeah. What'd you wear?

Yeah, that's what's up. Huh? What'd you wear? A doublet. What did I wear? I had, oh, you know, I think I had like a tunic with a rope belt and a little bag. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's good, simple. Keep it clean. Keep it healthy. Mm-hmm. I think that's good. I'd probably go as like a friar tuck type. That's fun. Yeah.

What about you, Emily? What would I wear to the Renaissance Fair? Yeah. Star Trek away team? Some kind of time traveler probably. Mm-hmm. What about just like a cool robot just scraping itself over? Beep, boop, give me mead.

I don't know if I've ever had the opportunity to be on an elephant. That to me is like where does that even happen? India, people who have been on Indian vacations? Or like at an Indian wedding. That's a very common thing. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Or I want to say it happened at some kind of zoo, but that seems unlikely, right?

No, I think a zoo. Yeah. I think a zoo. I think that's one of those zoo practices that maybe they don't do anymore. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. But it happened at one point.

Yeah. Yeah, like at the Cincinnati Zoo maybe or like the Durham Zoo. The old kind of circus that they used to do, Ringling Brothers. It would be the kind of thing that would not have gone down at the San Francisco Zoo, but maybe the Oakland Zoo. Yeah, yeah. They got to do a little more to get people in there. Something like that. And if you ever go to Thailand, there's a lot of opportunities there.

Oh, sure, yeah. So maybe some, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm curious. I'm curious maybe some. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm curious.

I'm curious to see what happens. I think it's going to be a fun one. I'm really excited about this, too. Me, too. I'm glad that we finally found something to do on our show. Yeah, sure. Is this the most structured thing that you guys have ever introduced? In a decade. In a decade.

We had five structured things when we started the show. We just dropped them one at a time as we got bored with them and never added new ones. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessie Go. In a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts. A world where Casey Affleck has an Oscar and Angela Bassett does not. Only one podcast is brave enough to call bulls**t. Who shot ya? With Ricky Carmona.

A lot of people don't know. Porgs? Puerto Rican. Alonzo Duralde. I would eat oak jaw. April Wolf. I want to interrupt and say that the fish man was real sexy. Drea Clark. I have a real soft spot for King Kong. And women of color.

I was like, damn! Brian Coogler got final cut! Coogler got final cut! It's literally the world's saddest orgy. And believe me, I'm from San Francisco. I've been to some sad orgies. Who Shot Ya? Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Janet Varney of the JV Club podcast, and I am so excited to be joining Maximum Fun. If you're not yet familiar with the JV Club, it's a podcast with me and some of my favorite women and in the summer, men, as we explore the highs and lows of our terrible teenage years into what I like to call our adult lessons. For example, hear Emily Huller describe her time on the national circuit for the debate team, or how Travis McElroy took over his drama class and gave his fellow students notes. Yeah, that went over great. Or let Busy Phillips tell you how she met Sharon Stone at an Arizona toy fair. You can join me and all my once awkward, sometimes still awkward friends every Thursday by subscribing to the JV Club

on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I'm Emily Heller, permanent resident. Moving in, huh? Yeah. Cool. Congratulations.

Just to the studio. Congratulations on getting your RStudio green card. I feel like Alan farted enough in this room that no one else is going to the studio. Congratulations on getting your RStudio green card. I feel like Alan farted enough in this room that no one else is going to come in. You carry him across the threshold. Yeah. You know who actually was the last person to get their green card here in the MaxFunHQ studios? Gerard Depardieu. Wow.

Also farted a lot. Well, he does drink five bottles of wine a day or something. Those will give you some nasty farts. Gerard Depardieu and E-40. Those are your top wine-consuming celebrities. How much wine does E-40 drink? E-40, well, E-40 lately has been pushing Slurricane and Iquarenta tequila, his branded liquor drinks. And so he's talked less about consuming wine.

and so he's talked less about consuming wine but he already was famous for a long time for just carrying a jug of Carlo Rossi wine with him wherever he went and just drinking from it all the time which is sad if you think about it very much. But it's, you know, if you're at the Ren Faire that's appropriate. Yeah, of course.

It's fun. It's in character. Well, as long as it's made from honey. or blackberries bramble berries uh emily it's been a joy to have you on the program it's been a joy to be here you know if if i were a listener and obviously i'm not i wouldn't listen to this program but um i'm not a listener to this show or to anyone when they talk. It's fine. Just zone out. Putting myself in the shoes. I'm an empathetic person.

Putting myself in the shoes of someone who listens to the show. I'd be saying to myself right now, geez, Emily Heller's cool. Well, sure, I can subscribe to her podcast, Baby Geniuses. I bet that'll be great with a great Lisa Hanawald on board. But, geez, I wish there was a way uh free or low cost way for me to enjoy her stand-up comedy special ice thickeners because she's fucking super funny i bet her special is really great i've got great news for you there's a free way to watch it. Absolutely free. It's the whole thing's on YouTube.

If you go to Comedy Central's YouTube page, you can watch my entire hour-long special, Ice Thickeners, which I recorded last summer at the end of a one-year tour. It's got a lot of good jokes on it, and it's got a little opening sketch. It was directed by Kulap Elisak. Former guest

on this program. Yeah. Really, I recorded it in Seattle, home of Frasier. And I think it came out really good. So yeah, you can watch the whole thing on YouTube for free. Emily Heller, Ice Thickeners. And you can follow me online. I'm at

MrEmilyHeller in all places. Fuck. Fuck. A lot of good stuff. A lot of good stuff. A lot of good stuff available. Did you hear that Frasier part? Oh, yeah. No, I'm not listening. Soding out.

That was Frasier's famous catchphrase. I'm sorry. I'm not listening. I'm thinking about a dog farting, Niles. That's right. Eddie, the dog from this show. Yes, I have turned into Martin Crane. Oh's right, Eddie. The dog from this show. I have turned into Martin Crane. Oh, yeah.

You have a chair in the living room. A really fucked up chair. If you've been on an elephant or you've worn a costume on a non-Halloween date and married folks, that means romantic intent. Quick question. Purim date?

Are you counting Purim? What kind of costume do you wear for Purim? Purim's just like- The horniest of the Jewish holidays? Yeah, Purim counts. It's Jewish Halloween. You just wear any kind of costume. That seems, no.

I'm going to say no. Not counting it? All right. It's a pretty horny holiday. Okay. I'll allow it. Have you been around like Fairfax and Beverly around Purim? Oof.

Oof. And I'm going to say that people are going to try and stretch this to include sports jerseys worn to attend a sporting event. We've already clarified that. We covered sports jerseys worn to participate in a sporting event. Oh, no. I was also saying if you wear your favorite player's jersey to a game. If you call the jersey a costume and someone would say that's not a costume, it doesn't count. Yeah. No, if you're on a softball team with somebody, that doesn't count either.

This question and this show are not for you, Jocks. I mean, sure, there's 20 minutes of listing baseball players every episode. But that's for the education of non-jocks. Right, yes. That is for someone who likes baseball but doesn't go outside. That's in case Rickert Fanita is listening and will email me. Bill Miller, are you out there? Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer.

JJGoatMaximumFun.org is our email address. 2069844fun is our telephone number. You can find us on Reddit, MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can find us on Facebook. Just search for Jordan Jesse Go or join the Maximum Fun Facebook group. If you go to MaximumFun.org slash local groups, you can find local Maximum Fun groups in your area. A lot of fun.

A lot of Facebook. Excuse me. A lot of Facebook groups for those groups. So it's like a double group. Groups for your groups. I won't join any club that would have me as a member. Sure. Yeah.

Okay. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes. Yeah. Okay. Because otherwise you're staring square up that asshole. Big Johnson's Casino, liquor in the front, poker in the rear. Stussy.

Hey, Stussy. We'll talk to you. Massimo. We'll talk to you next time. And see you on tour. I'm Jordan Jesse Goff. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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