Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 58: Old-Time AIDS

Episode Date: April 14, 2008

Recorded live at UMass Amherst Comedy Jam in Amherst, Massachusetts.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dumm, fiddly, palm tree. This week, we're live at UMass Amherst Comedy Jam

before an audience of three or four hundred young people who honestly are kind of hard to hear because we didn't have a microphone on them. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. This is our first ever live taping of this popular podcast. I said popular so that they would know that we were popular. Man, very exciting, very full house here.

We're big on a lot of offshore oil derricks. Yeah, have any of you ever done any derricking? You'll hear a band say, oh, we're huge in Japan or we're huge in Germany. Like, there's a lot of offshore oil drilling. The mineral industry, primarily. Yeah. They like get us out there. I don't know if

it's the oil or the ocean spray, but whatever it is, it makes them... They're drinking salt water, Jordan. Eating horseshoe crabs. That doesn't even mean anything. That makes you bonkers. Jordan, I kind of feel like there are like 500 people out here, right?

I know you mostly do TV and stuff like that and podcasts. You do a lot of touring. I toured with my public radio show before. So I thought I would kind of hip you to what sort of the deal is with doing a touring show. I'm all ears. You take your regular material, just your standard gags,

like the pratfalls we did earlier. The boner. Yeah, the boner, exactly. And you try and come up with a local spin, come up with a few local gags so that the audience... It's sort of the comedy equivalent. Sure, touring stand-up comedians do that a lot.

Yeah, it's like when somebody says, what's up, Boston? And then the crowd goes crazy because the Rolling Stones are doing a concert in Boston. It's the comedy equivalent of that. This complicated fantasy scenario I have created. The Rolling Stones... No, no, I'm following you.

They're playing at the old Boston Garden on the parquet floor, Jordan. fantasy scenario I have created. The Rolling Stones. I'm following you. I'm following you. They're playing at the old Boston Garden on the parquet floor, Jordan. So anyway, I just thought... Yeah, no, no. We'll do some local jokes. And I thought, I know that this is a comedy-savvy audience,

and I know that with a comedy-savvy audience, there's nothing they're going to love more than those screw-in-a-lightbulb jokes. Yeah, sure. So I wrote a couple of screw-in... What's old is new again, I think they say. Yeah, absolutely. Just like peacoats.

Yeah, or skirts cut on the bias. Not sure what that is. Not sure what that is. The whooping cough. Yeah. The galloping dropsy. Old- time AIDS. And that's our show, folks.

We'll see you next week. No, let's do more. Okay. Can we do the light bulb jokes now? Yeah, let's do those light bulb jokes. You know, this isn't, you know, here in this area, this is a college town. It's not just UMass Amherst that's here. A lot of colleges.

There's several colleges and universities here. Hampshire College, for example. Oh. Jordan. Yes, Jesse. Do you know how many Hampshire University students it takes to screw in a light bulb? I do not know. They're playing hacky sack because they're fucking hippies.

It's called comedy, folks. Case in point. Case in point. Let me try one. Let me try one. Let me try one. Okay. try one. Let me try one. Okay, you give it a shot, Jordan. Okay.

Any form you want. Three UMass Amherst students walk into a bar, and they're surprised that they're in that kind of building because most of the buildings in the area are Bank of Americas. In our experience, a lot of Bank of Americas around here. What am I doing at this bar? Why so many Bank of Americas? I don't know. If you go down the main drag,

a lot of B of A's. There's a lot of them. You notice it. If you're from out of town, you notice it. I got one. Another university here in the Amherst area, Amherst University. One of the many universities I applied to and did not get into when I was in high school.

Jordan, how many Amherst University students does it take to screw in a light bulb? I do not know, Jesse. They're so rich, they just buy a new light bulb. Those rich fucks. Yeah. Class warfare. With their sweaters knotted about their shoulders. Jordan, class warfare worked for Al Gore, and it's going to work for me.

I'm going populist, Jordan. Hey, Jesse, I hear you invented the environment. Oh, I got one. I got another one. Okay. By applause, has anybody seen this sign kind of along the highway? It says, Mr. Shower Door, Shower Yourself with Luxury. Very popular sign here in Amherst for our audience at home. Mr. Shower Door, Shower Yourself with Luxury.

That sounds like a good place for a guy to get peed on. Sexually. Good one, Jordan. Thank you. It's called local color, folks. Get with the program. Yeah. Actually, I have one more of these jokes.

Yeah, we can move on. Okay. How many UMass Amherst students does it take to screw in a light bulb, Jordan? I don't know how many. One, because they got a great public education. Right? An excellent public education. That's great.

No, no, I feel like they're warm. I wrote one, can I tell the one joke that I wrote that's not universal? Sure, this is an outtake. Yeah. Where does an Amherst resident go for breakfast? Where? They go to Dunkin' Donuts and have a donut and some of Dunkin' Donuts' world-famous coffee.

That's good. We're from... We're from L.A. and don't understand that every other store is Dunkin' Donuts. Why so many? How many donuts can you eat? How many donuts do you people eat? People must be eating donuts for dinner.

Yeah. That's the only explanation. A donut sandwich is a piece of cheese between two donuts. They must be serving ham donuts here. That's just a guess. Yeah, but you all have lovely figures. So, I'm not saying you people are fat-sos. Lord knows I'm a fat-so. here. That's just a guess. You all have lovely figures. I'm not saying you people are fat-sos.

Lord knows I'm a fat-so. I had never been to Amherst. That's the end of the prepared material, folks. How about a round of applause? Jordan, I had never been to... Wasn't that awesome when I said that? They did it. Fools, fools. Does not speak highly of these people.

But they're getting a good quality public school education, Jordan. Totally. It's public lunch. I had not been here to Amherst, Massachusetts since I did a college tour when I was in high school. When I was in high school, I spent the night at Hampshire College. Yes. I broke my pen, by the way.

It's in three pieces. That's a collector's item, folks. No, don't fucking hurl stuff at the audience. No, that's another thing. I've been on tour before, Morris. All right. You hurl stuff first. No, you're right.

You hurl stuff at the audience. It's the. It's the local color. Sure, sure. Then you hurl stuff at the audience. It's the Gallagher principle. Then you whip it out. Jesse's taking a page out of the book of Gallagher. Oh, man, Gallagher.

What a creep. We went to see Gallagher once. You think he's going to be kind of like a goofy uncle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a creepy molester uncle. It was really horrible. But I spent the night when I was here. I visited Amherst, UMass Amherst, Hampshire College. I think

I may have applied to all three of them. Basically, all you need to know about my college applications is that I applied to like 12 or 13 schools. I only got into one. That's where we met. Yeah, college. That's where we met, so that's a nice story. That's fun. When I was at Hampshire, I was kind of like, people were like,

it's a hippie school, you know what I mean? Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I had heard good things, you know what I mean? I'd heard good things. So I was staying with this guy. He took me to like a performance art.

You were staying with this guy? Yeah, in a gay way. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Well, thanks for clearing that up. Hey, no problem. Because it sounded gay when you said it. So I'm like, I better clarify.

Jordan, there is nothing gay about me. For the listeners at home, Jesse is mopping his brow with his fancy pants handkerchief that he carries around like a big F. Jordan, that happens to be a fancy pants pocket

square that I carry around like a big F. Jesus Christ, dude. He took me to an art opening, and this is what I recall. It was a performance art event, okay? This was the performance. There was at least a dozen people at this.

It was slides of countries that the United States has invaded, or helped to invade. We like to lend a hand from time to time. Sure. Like your Nicaraguas, for example. Your Belgian Congos. Exactly, precisely.

Swaziland, possibly. I went to public school. Lesotho? Countryton? That's not a country at all. It's in the fucking name, dude. Countryton. And he peed on a flag.

Really? He really did it. I want to be clear here, because I think here in our audience, people probably think that because we're jokesters, if you will. Sure. A couple of yuckalucks. Well, well-known gadabouts. Well, well-known gadabouts. I think that people might think that I'm just describing a caricature of a performance art piece that a college student at a hippie-oriented college would do.

Right, no one actually would pee on an American flag and think that it would make someone think about something. Or maybe, no, maybe they would in 1963. Oh, right. Sorry, sorry. When just making a performance art thing was enough. Sure. You know, I'm a performance artist. What's that? My thoughts have been provoked. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Basically all you had to say was performance art. Yeah, and people would be like, oh gosh. They were freaked out over beatniks. You know what I'm saying? Freaky beatniks. And the Fonz.

I have a hazy understanding of the 50s. Basically, you rolled a pack of cigarettes up in your sleeve, and you watched all the old ladies get out of your way. Yeah. Something about a letterman's jacket. Yeah. I don't know. You played the ukulele.

Because before, it had been a series of things that actually had to do with the 1950s. Jordan just likes to say the name of a novelty musical instrument. Hey guys,

glockenspiel, am I right? Who's with me on this one? This fucker's with me on this one? This fucker's with me Demographic surveys confirm Number one novelty instrument In Amherst, Massachusetts A glockenspiel Didn't work as well the second time

Why don't they get a load of my Jew's harp material Hey Shut up, dude I got a load of my Jew's harp material. Hey. Dude, shut up, dude. Why do you keep turning on me? We're in this together. No, no, you're right.

You're throwing things at the audience again. Don't. Oh, man. Anyway, what's weird about, I feel like, about being here this time around, rather than last time around, is that somehow I've become an old man. Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling that, too. I think we were both feeling that. The school improv club, the butt plugs were—

We're just guessing. Maybe it's called Mixed Nuts. Yeah, Mixed Nuts. The Nights You Say Knee. I'm just guessing here. Improv club names. We think with those three guesses, we've covered about 75% of America's college improv groups.

They were nice enough to let me teach a workshop today, and I was trying to give an example of fanning out, going crazy for something, and I said, act like this character is one of the new kids on the block. And then he got one of the kids in the class, one of the young men in the class. The fellas. One of the younger fellas goes, pfft. Yeah. I had a similar experience in the same class.

We were playing a game where you have to sing a song, right? And it should be a song everybody kind of knows, and then everybody kind of sings along. I sang Remember the Time by Michael Jackson from the album Dangerous, which was a smash hit record. The video had Magic Johnson in it. And Macaulay Culkin. And Macaulay Culkin. And Macaulay Culkin.

People who are relevant even today. Magic still has AIDS. He's a survivor. People who to this day do drugs. Macaulay Culkin is still Macaulay Culkin. He's a survivor. And I got... Surviving being Macaulay Culkin. Sure, sure, sure.

I got the most dumbfounded expressions. You know, I'm up there. I'm even doing the kind of like... part that he does in between. That, if these people were 10 years younger, that would have gotten a recognition laugh. Holy shit. Yeah, we are.

Just when I went, I'm going to have a joke. We came to the realization. Yeah, fucking Michael. We came to the realization we are no longer young men, but we're kind of, I don't know, we're in this weird adult child limbo. I want to be clear. Yes. People are looking at me and they're thinking, how can this man dress himself in the morning and not realize that he's an old man? I'm, yes, I have a pocket square.

I'm wearing a V-neck sweater here under my sport coat. But I've always dressed like this. Never mind. There was a time when this was irreverent rather than sad. It once signaled that I had a zest for life. Now it signals that soon I will die. So we wanted, I mean, and we're both in media in some way, and it's important to both of our careers.

Let me put it this way, Jordan. I don't want to brag, but if you keep pressing up on your television thing, somewhere between 927 and 974, you might catch a glimpse of these fellas on their respective marginal cable networks. Yeah, so... Be on the lookout for that when you're high. Outdoor life?

Yeah, maybe someday. Maybe someday, but for now, we'll have to settle with what we've got. Yeah, basically, my golden goose, the brass ring, is G4. Yeah. One day. One day. One day we'll make it to MTV Trace, the Spanish language MTV channel.

It's muy caliente. I'm ready for it, Jordan. Check this out. Next up, Maná. Los Tigres del Norte with some of their sizzling norteños. That's good. Enchiladas.

So actually, we actually have waiting in the wings we have a young person and we just want to I don't know if there's any oldsters in the audience tonight I know you're mostly young people

but yeah we just wanted to invite a young person on stage and just kind of ask them you know there's things we suspect are trends things we suspect are popular we just wanted to clarify them, you know, there's things we suspect are trends, things we suspect are popular. We just wanted to clarify them with an actual young person. So if our young person can actually come out here. Natasha.

She's in the Sketch 22. Is Natasha around here somewhere? Natasha. Pull up a chair, Natasha. Pull up a chair. Where's Jordan going? Oh, Jordan's going downstairs. He's going to go get a microphone. What we did is we asked a couple of the people how old they were.

The first one who was a teenager, we picked. Very complicated survey system we developed. Natasha, you're a teen, correct? That microphone's not even on, Jordan. Let's turn on that microphone's not even on jordan let's let's turn on that microphone i'm just going to give a quick description of natasha just for our our podcast listeners at home thousands of people across the world are listening to this um what that wasn't a joke that's actually true literally thousands they're like ha no one would listen to them much less watch them on fuel or current TV. Natasha is a young woman.

She has the sparkle of youth in her cheeks. She looks like she still believes in shit. Yeah. She thinks Obama's going to change America. She might be... Jordan, if I could summarize where she's at in her life, she's at about the same point I was at when I voted for Al Sharpton. True story.

Yeah, you look like you would be reluctant to take a high-paying job because you think it might be selling out. No. Fair enough. Is Natasha's mic on? I don't think Natasha's mic is on. Natasha, why don't you come pull your chair up over here and I'll take this mic out of the stand. Sure, sure. Holy crap, they got some kind of Boy Scout system going on here. For those of you at home, there's a complicated knot

in the mic cord. Just so you know, this theater is also a boat. I was going to put the mic on. It's fine, Jordan. We'll share this one. I'll just anticipate when you want to talk. How about that?

I'll just go. I want to talk. How about that? I'll just go. Here, pretend like you're talking. Okay. I want to talk! Natasha. We've been thinking about things that we're pretty sure skateboarders are into. Okay. When I say skateboarders, I mean teenagers.

Right. Look at me now. Clown dancing or crumping? Crumping. How do you feel about it? Just give us an honest reaction to clown dancing slash crumping. And Natasha, do not bullshit us. Do not bullshit us because this is important. Okay.

Have you heard of a key demo? You are it. You're our key demo. Okay. You're buying iPods. You're downloading content. On-demand media. Roast beef sub at Arby's.

I'm a vegetarian. That's something teenagers are into. All right. I'm a vegetarian, too. Really? Yeah. No. Yes.

Yes. I love vegetables. My favorite is a cauliflower. Good choice. Mine is burger vegetable. Crumping, sorry. We're derailing this thing. Tell us how you feel about that.

I feel like I don't have a very strong opinion about crumping. Again, Natasha, don't bullshit us. I feel very strongly about crumping. I know it's in some Missy Elliott videos. Yeah, sure. I've seen Missy Elliott videos, too. I'm just like you. Oh, my God.

It's true. Let's hang out. Yeah. Can we hang out? Yeah. Later? Yeah, definitely. Can we hang out? Yeah.

Later? Yeah, definitely. For the benefit of our audience at home, I made a hilarious look. It's funny because Natasha is beautiful and I am going bald. Are you also into Norteños? I'm really into Los Ticristos Norte. Can I ask you this? What about the subgenre of Norteños

known as Narco Corridos? They're songs about northern Mexican drug runners. Okay. They have accordions. There are accordions in the songs. Okay. So, okay, let me know how you feel about this. Okay.

Social networking sites. Your MySpace, your Facebook. I mentioned MySpace first. You mentioned Facebook first. That's a good thing to know. I would have mentioned Facebook first. That's a good thing to know. I would have mentioned Facebook first. How do you feel about them? It's definitely a guilty pleasure.

Just like Flava Flav television program. Exactly. The flavor is love. My favorite. So, um, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you actually feel about them? Is that something you do regularly?

Oh, definitely. My computer's broken, so I'll, like, use my phone to do it. It's pretty sad. Okay. And, uh... I use my Mobisode to do it. It's pretty sad. I use my Mobisode to do it.

I'm on top of it, folks. I'm in the computer generation. Apple 2 Plus. Commodore 64. Five and a quarter inch floppy disk. Printer with paper you tear off the side. Card you put into the computer that has punch holes in it. Cooled with fans.

The Turing difference machine. That's the first computer, folks. Hold on, some dude just screamed ENIAC from the audience. I thought about ENIAC and I decided to kick it back a notch. I didn't think ENIAC was enough of an increase over the punch card thing. Abacus? Oh, to talk to Natasha about. abacus oh to talk to natasha about i thought you were asking do i have more cuniform mesopotamian cuniform god counting his fingers okay let's just fucking move on Skateboarding dinosaurs.

What? No, that's for Natasha. That's something teens love. Denver. Not the city, Denver the Last Dinosaur. He's my friend and a whole lot more. That sounds weird now that I say it to people who didn't watch the show Denver the Last Dinosaur Natasha, I'm going to be honest with you

I haven't been anything less than honest To this point, but I'm just going to lay it out On the line for you, okay? Everything I know about teenagers Is from breakfast cereal commercials I know about teenagers is from breakfast cereal commercials. I know that you love, love, love orange juice. I know that you always wear solid color or striped polo shirts. And I know this above all else, when you are participating in extreme sports, you wear every pad available to man.

Every one. Stomach pad. Yeah, safety first. Back of the knee pad. Yeah, safety first. Back of the knee pad. That's in case you're able to touch your toes and you fall over backwards onto a rock. A really conveniently placed rock.

Do you have any more for Natasha? Yeah, yeah, I got one. Being called TikToks. Like if I, teenagers are like that, like, hey, TikTok, right? I've never heard that. It's in case in case you need some context it's something you might say when you're ordering a phosphate like if I yelled at you across the quad uh hey tiktok what I mean you'd be like you'd be down with that, right? Definitely. Nice.

Definitely. What if I invited you to play base, a certain game of ball? Sure. Jordan, did you know that I once went to a 19th century style baseball game where the big slugger didn't wear any shoes and we were instructed to say, leg it, leg it, leg it. The other thing we were supposed to say, and I'd like to get your reaction to this, Natasha. Striker to the line. I don't know what that means.

Neither do I, Natasha. Neither do I. I feel like we've learned a lot about teenagers, Jordan. It's thorough. You can sit down if you want to. How about a big hand for Natasha? Thank you. Can I actually?

Yeah. There are two teenagers in my life. Yes. One is my younger brother. One is my fiancé's younger brother. Sorry, ladies. I'm gay for my fiancé's younger brother. It's fine.

The fiancé is what we call a pedophile beard. Yeah. What can I say? Anyway About my van I was home for It was recently my fiance's birthday We were home, I'm from the Bay Area We were home in the Bay Area

From my home in Hollywood, California Nice Thank you Few people from Hollywood here from my home in Hollywood, California. Nice. Thank you. A few people from Hollywood here. Probably Tom Cruise. I invited him. Yeah. Possibly media mogul Sumner Redstone.

Okay, so I was home at my fiancé's family's house. Sure. And my fiancé's younger brother is 14 years old. He just started high school at a private high school in San Francisco, Catholic High School called St. Ignatius. And he got this email. They have an email system where you can send an all-school email to everyone in the entire school. Apparently, primarily used if you, like, lost your jacket or something like that. Sure, sure.

If you're me and you want to find a date to the prom cast a wide net folks uh that's my philosophy um and he got this email on there that i saw like just over his shoulder and um it's probably the most amazing email ever sent yes why don't you i'm a read I'm not going to say for sure Because I'm sure people out there have in mind A particularly amazing email that they once received Okay, I got an email from my dad the other day And it was a forward, he didn't author it So I don't want to give my dad more credit than he's due

But he did forward it to me Apparently Hillary Clinton's a little bit of a bitch Hello! I know, right? Hello! Thanks, Dad. A little background to help you understand this email. Number one.

Are there any people from the San Francisco Bay Area in here? Any San Franciscans? A couple people. The Sunset and the Richmond are neighborhoods in San Francisco, just as Beanville might be a neighborhood here in Massachusetts. Beanville and Massachusetts City. Yeah. Just as you might say, I got a great new apartment over in Dunkin' Donuts. Okay. Mr. Shower Door, the neighborhood.

Yeah. So these are big residential neighborhoods. Never mind. I was going to say, I'm surprised that wasn't as popular as that Dunkin' Donuts remark, but I guess I can see why. Yeah. It's a reference that only we understand, so in that sense... I feel like everybody's... Never mind. I feel like everybody's

seen that before. Do you want to fight? Do you want to go right now? I don't want to go. I kind of want to go. This isn't going well. I don't want to see you cry on stage. This is enough I have to do it in your apartment once a week. I have a stage in my apartment, is what he's trying to explain.

Get up there cry a little it makes me feel better the fact that you Xeroxed the program to hand to me before you start crying is a feat what about the fact that I sold advertising in the program yeah I went right to Cheesecake Factory

after that though so it worked. You know, my gerbil button full page ad. Shut up, dude. I just love to say gerbil instead of gerbil. That's what that's about.

I'm sorry I didn't bring you guys in on that before I said it. Okay, so in order to understand this email, you have to understand that the Sunset and the Richmond are large, physically large residential neighborhoods in San Francisco. You also have to understand that a Ford Explorer is a sport utility vehicle made by the Ford company that can cost tens of thousands of dollars. I'm not sure exactly how much, but I'm going to say tens of thousands of dollars. I'm not going to say, I'm not sure exactly how much, but I'm going to say tens of thousands of dollars.

Okay. Green is a color that's what you get when you mix yellow and blue. Most of you already knew that, but I just thought... Glad you have all this baseline information. Going into this email so you're not feeling lost. It's like in Shakespearean times, this is what they call the dumb show. Exactly. So this was, this is a senior sent this out. And also I'm going to spell out various

things that he used letters to signify words in the style of Prince. They don't even know who Prince is. I just realized that. No idea. You know who they think he is? The buttless chaps guy. They think he's the guy that when they were 10 years old, made them look at a man in butler's jabs. The real question is, why were they watching Arsenio when they were 10 years old? Another thing, they don't know what that is. Okay, here we go. Hey, SI, sorry for the lost email. I, lowercase, no, N-O, you, letter U, as in nothing compares to you.

I know you hate those, LOL. I do, numeral two. He hates them. And, you know, don't we all, somebody just loses a jacket or something, and you get a fucking email that goes to the whole school just because they lost their letterman's jacket or their cigarette packet out of their rolled up sleeve mr shower door okay uh i know you hate these lol i do too i forgot where i parked my car

it's a green ford explorer i left it somewhere in the sunset. MB the Richmond, LOL. Now, if you need a translation from teenager talk, he seems to have lost his car. And he's being kind of cheeky about it. I like the LOL that I'm always losing my car. This guy is getting major lulls from the fact that he lost the Green Ford Explorer his parents bought him

when he turned 16. Also, I accidentally threw away some gold. The lost city of Atlantis. I was there once. LOL. Maybe I sunk it when I lit off that dynamite for no reason. L-U-L-Z-Z-Z.

Okay. Pwned. M... Okay. Pwned. I left it somewhere in the sunset. MB the Richmond, LOL. Help. Reward if found. I guess what he's asking for here, Jordan, is he's asking the students of st. Ignatius to fan out over the sunset and be the Richmond lol and find where he left his motor vehicle it's I like there are tens of thousands of cars in these neighborhoods, many of them green Ford Explorers, LOL. Here's the piece de resistance, Jordan.

The denouement. The denouement, if you will. Bill Dung's Roman. Jacques Cousteau. Help, reward if found. Romain. Jacques Cousteau. Help. Reward if found. Turn in to Dean's office. No questions asked.

Drive it into the school. Destroy everything. I'm talking about classrooms. Vending machines. Kill humans. We're looking for mayhem here, folks. And I won't ask questions.

All to deliver it to cranky old Dean Thompson. Yeah. Now. And then he'll take away our keg. Let's be clear. When Dean Thompson gets Yeah. Now. And then he'll take away our keg. Let's be clear. When Dean Thompson gets it, Jordan, he might say something like this. In my imagination, had I not read the very last portion of this email. Yeah.

Gosh, student. Why did you drive a green Ford Explorer into my office? Why did you drive a green Ford Explorer into my office? You've destroyed the school where I've built my life these past 30 years. Helping young men and women grow into the best adults they can be. What? In the Jesuit tradition. I couldn't even bring myself to say it. I just lost the heart.

Turn into Dean's office, no questions asked. That's where America is today, Jordan. That's what America is. Losing their cars and having a good snicker about it. Anyway, I think it's just about time for us to clear out and get Team Submarine up here. We want to thank Student Valley Productions for bringing us in here. Thanks to SVP and for putting on this amazing event and all you hundreds of people who

mistakenly came here this evening. I'm sorry. I know you probably thought we were Tony Kushner. Uh-huh. We saw a sign that the kush is coming. That's big news, folks. Next week. So same time, same kush time, same kush

place. You know, it's funny, Jordan. What's funny? The kush? He certainly is. He can be. There's this guy at my office. Oh, shit, I forgot what nickname I got.

Oh, the guy's name is John Stouffer. John Stouffer. And I've been calling him the Stouff. Yeah. Doesn't like it. He's not nuts about it. What the fuck, right? Yeah, come on.

That's amazing. I gave you the stupid name, the Stouff. If your name was Stouffer, you would love that. I should hope so. Okay, J-Mo. We want to thank Student Valley Productions for bringing us here. You can, of course, for those of you who are here in our live audience, our podcast is free every week at MaximumFun.org

along with my public radio show, The Sound of Young America. And you can write your local public radio station and ask them to carry it because I don't think they carry it here. And that's about it, right, Jordan? Yeah, yeah. Thank you very much for coming. We really appreciate it. It was a real pleasure. Thank you. Pleasure. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.

I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Live on tape from Boston, Massachusetts, where it sounds like there's some kind of horrible crime going on. Yeah, there's some crime. Actually, probably just the cops trying to get to the start of the Freedom Walk faster. Freedom Walk, of course, the historical tour through Boston that I'm about to take. Jordan, let me ask you a question. Yes. Can you name all of the sponsors? Wow, that is a loud siren. Yeah, I know.

Boston is a horrible crime-ridden place. Yeah, gosh. Okay. I'm guessing there's a combo bank robbery arson going on. It's probably being perpetrated by rapper and former The Source magazine owner Benzino. Yeah, I guess. If you were Jordan, let me ask you this question. Yeah, I guess. If you were Jordan, let me ask you this question.

If you were going to make a list of all of the sponsors on Jordan, Jesse, Go, what would the list be? Oh, boy. I'd have to say at the top of that list would be Iwanttoseethat.com. Sure, that's a great website

where you go onto it, you tell it what movies you want to go see, your friends tell it what movies they want to go see, your friends tell it what movies they want to go see, and then the Internet uses computers to set you up on friend dates. To see films, specifically. Yeah, so sure, sure, Iwanttoseethat.com. Go ahead, continue. I forget if we had any other ones. We have a new one, Jordan.

Oh, right, right. Project Breakout? No, not Project Breakout. Project Breakout are no longer a sponsor on Jordan, Jesse, go. They were displeased with the quality of the show, I take it. Well, who isn't? Yeah. No, we have a new sponsor, Jordan. Holy cow, that's great to hear. Who is it, are they?

It's blueshat.net, my friend. Okay, blueshat.net, I like the sound of that. I know, it's a very fine website. Here's what you can find on blueshat.net. You can find the Two Mustaches podcast. Okay. Just throwing that out there,

how can you not enjoy that, right? Sounds great. You can find a webcomic called Angry Bee with a Gun Drives a Red Mustang with Tinted Windows. Okay. That's probably pretty good. You can find the popular webcomic Scissors Beats Rock. Okay. Now, that's an example of irony because, in fact, rock beats scissors.

Sure. In most systems. If the comic is as funny as the title. That sounded a little sarcastic, Jordan. No, no. No, I'm saying that's a legitimately funny title.

I'm sure that the content of the comic is similarly clever. It's all online at blueshat.net. It's actually sort of a compendium site of a lot of cool webcomics, plus a podcast and stuff like that. A lot of cool stuff online

at blueshat.net. We're very grateful to have them as a sponsor. Right. Along with our classic sponsor, Iwanttoseethat.com. Oh, great. These sound like,

if nothing else, two great places to goof off during work. That's what this entertainment empire that we're building here, Jordan, is all about. Ways to goof off during work.

Primarily when someone sends me an email to talk about Jordan Jesse Go, they say, I desperately need something to waste my time with. I'm so happy I found Jordan Jesse Go. Good. Well, waste time with us, to waste my time with. And I'm so happy I found Jordan and Jesse Go. Good. Well, waste time with us and then waste time with Iwanttoseethat.com and now blueshat.net.

You got it, Jordan. Have fun on the Freedom Trail. Yeah, I probably will. What are you going to have? Some kind of tea party? Yeah, I don't know. Some sort of... I don't know where I should have it, though.

Yeah, Cleveland? Yeah, though. Yeah. Cleveland? Yeah, Cleveland. Butte. Ah, Butte Tea Party. I like the sound of that. Why was it called a tea party? It seems like a silly name.

It was ironic because it was malicious. Oh, okay. I gotcha. It was intended ironically. Right. Sort of like Scissors Beats rock on blueshat.net. Excuse me, I have some costumed colonials to attend to. Or to have attend to me, I should say. Later, buddy.

Bye. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. That concludes our live program from the UMass Amherst Comedy Jam this week. We want to thank Natalie Baseman who brought us to the Comedy Jam. It was such a pleasure. There really were like 400 people jammed into that auditorium and it really went well. And the next day when I was checking out of the hotel, a really nice mom told me what a good time she had. So what a pleasure and what a joy to open up for Team Submarine, who just really killed it

there. And they're moving to New York. So if you live in New York and you want to book Team Submarine, you should send them a note because they're freaking hilarious. Anyway, I guess that's about it for this week's show. We'll see you online at MaximumFun.org, on the forums, etc., etc., etc. No special action items this week since we didn't take any calls. We'll just use last week's calls. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hey, if you want to hire us to come do our show live wherever you are, we'd probably do that. I mean, you know, you'd have to pay for it, but we're down. Anyway, we'll see you next time on Jordan Jesse Go.