Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 580: E.T. Phone Me with Matt Rogers

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

Matt Rogers (Las Culturistas podcast, Vulture) makes an exciting entrance and joins Jordan and Jesse in discussing the difference between the swimming pools in West Hollywood and Burbank, Matt's Lyft nightmare on the way to the studio to record, and which classic monster is ready for their moment in the cultural spotlight. Plus, we reveal the results of the latest JJGo audience survey and find out about a costumed kink community that blows everyone's mind.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, the hanger steak man. Jordan Morris, not frosting my tips. So, okay. Not frosting! I have to, I'll just really quickly explain mine so we can get into yours. Yours is a lot juicier, although mine was very juicy because I basted it.

Sounds like you ate a thin steak. Yeah, I had a nice thin steak. My mom brought them. That's nice. My mom came to visit this weekend. Oh, and she brought steaks? She brought some premium steaks. And then she said to me that she bought them from a ranch that belonged to an actor from Davy Crockett.

Wow. And I don't know what that means. I didn't understand it. Wow. And I don't know what that means. I didn't understand it. But I think just if you got rich in 1957, you bought a real ranch. Yeah, I think, right, early movie business, that was the number one sign of success. Whereas now maybe it's, you know, like a boat or like Teslas or, you know.

Like a place to go fly fishing in Montana. Yeah, right. But, yeah, I think if, you know, in the first wave of showbiz, once you hit it big, once you got that contract with MGM, you just get a ranch. A red Gabardine Western shirt with white piping and a giant hat. And that was it. And you were, yeah. So anyway. How do you transport?

I imagine she flew. She drove. She drove. Oh, okay. She drove with a cooler. There was two important things coming. I think the steaks that she brought were an add-on. She happened to be visiting a friend in the Santa Barbara area, and she added some steaks to the list.

But there's an Italian delicatessen near my childhood home called Luca's, or it's actually called Luca. And Luca's is closing because of San Francisco real estate. I think they recently sold their parking lot for $3.2 million. Oh, boy. And so they realized that their building was probably worth something too. And so they're closing. And my mom brought me five pounds of tortellini. Just five pound bags of tortellini. My favorite food ever, and it's going to be gone forever. So she brought it down in the cooler. God bless her.

That's nice. Yeah, and she just threw a couple frozen steaks in the cooler while she was at it. Can you eat those together? Oh, yeah, absolutely. You don't ever top your steaks with tortellini? No, apparently I have. I'm not living right. It's called a remoulade.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Sure. What's a tapenade then? Oh, okay. That's a lasagna. A lasagna, I think. The steak topped with an entire lasagna.

So now here's where we get into your new nickname, Jordan. Yes. And by the way, our guest will be joining us in the second segment of this week's program. Don't worry. There will be a guest. There will be new ideas and experiences on this week's show

shared by our guest. Unless we just talk over him the whole time. Went to our address in Santa Monica instead of Los Angeles. But Jordan, Yes.

I noticed, now I came in here, I said to myself, my friend Jordan is looking sunny today. Mm-hmm. Like, radiant. Sure. And that's not to say that you're not always looking radiant. What? Except when you don't have your coffee.

Right, yeah, then, get out of my way. Or I'll kill you. I'll end your life. Ah, that knife. Put some coffee on the end of this knife or I'll kill you with it. But I noticed even- I lick my coffee off a knife. I noticed even more.

And I mean, like, Jordan, you have an active lifestyle. Sure. So I thought to myself, maybe it's just the active lifestyle. You can only go to so many swim meets without starting to gaining some radiance. I've been to one swim meet. And I'm a swim meet guy all of a sudden? That's how many you need to become radiant. Oh, wow.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I feel like me being – people are – I've been to that one swim meet. And I feel like it's stuck in people's minds so much. People are always asking me about swim meets now. I think it's because it's amazing and admirable. Sure, yeah. I think about it all the time.

It's novel. Yeah. But I feel like I didn't – I liked the swim meet. I liked doing it. I'm proud that I did it. And I still swim. I still swim. I try and swim three or four times a week.

So I'm still doing the training. But as far as the competitive meets go, I didn't get a lot out of the meets. I didn't like, you know. You didn't like the fire in your stomach. No, well, it's because I'm not that good at it. So I can't win. I'll never win. I'll never be able to win.

So you decided to light that fire with wings. Yeah. Hot wings. Hot wings and coffee on a knife. Ooh, knife coffee. So yeah, but I mean, I think I could perhaps do another swim meet in the future,

but it's not something, you know, I think there are some people who, you know, on my team who like drive to Arizona to do them. Oh, wow. Who like do long weekends so they could go to swim meets. I like the idea

of participating in organized sport as an adult. Sure. It's fun. I like, look, I like softball as much as the next guy. It's a great one. I like the idea of, I'm fine with triathlons or whatever, But what I like about a swim meet is it feels like the Olympics, except that you're not competing against people from the Olympics. Like we're not old enough to be,

I don't think I'm going to be competitive with people in my age group unless I train from now until I'm 80 and then participate. Oh, you'd be the best 80, best to be the best 80 year old guy. Yeah. Just cause I, cause the, the competition thing.year-old guy. Yeah, just because the competition thinned. Sure. Through death. Through death, right. But I feel like there is no-

And people who are cripplingly depressed because all their loved ones have died. Exactly. I'm 37 years old, Jordan. And there are plenty of actual athletic people who do athletics at age 37. Like, if I joined an adult baseball league, I wouldn't be able to cut it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Too erotic?

Yes, exactly. Because it's an adult baseball league? No, because Rhea Butcher is in an adult baseball league. She can probably hit a curveball. I can't hit a curveball. I'm scared of a fastball. Sure. That was my experience in 14-15 league, she can probably hit a curveball. I can't hit a curveball. I'm scared of a fastball. Sure. That was my experience in 14, 15 league the last time I played.

So for that reason, I think a lot of people see this as an exciting adult competition that you participated in that they see you as a lifestyle role model. Right. Oh, okay. Oh, do I got to start a goop now? You're aspirational. Gotcha. You have an aspirational lifestyle.

Probably start with a newsletter. You're hanging out with- I'll do a weekly newsletter, and then I'll do a goop. You're hanging out in West Hollywood with all those triangular torso- Burbank. The Verdugo Aquatic Facility. Okay. Well, Burbank with all those triangular torso shaved attractive men.

That's actually not the Burbank swim crowd as much. That is a very West Hollywood kind of. And when I finally kind of started dabbling in adult swimming, I would do it at the pool at West Hollywood. And that, you have the, like the sleek hairless workout men. Yeah. And this at the Verdugo aquatic facility, it's,

you know, a lot more kind of like, it's a lot more parents and kind of suburban people. There are some jacked swim dudes, but they are jacked because they're swim dudes. They're not jacked dudes who are also swimming. Got it. So they are guys with the swim physique.

And there's a lot of like, and there's kind of a fair amount of like. That's like broad shoulders, narrow waist, webbed fingers. Right, exactly. Yeah. Lays eggs and has a barrel of nails in their stomach. And they actually, they birth live young but then tend them in a pouch. They tend them. Yeah.

That's what that's like. Yeah. And then there's maybe like a little smattering of like women who have an interest in crystals. And then, you know, maybe a couple of like surf burnouts. Right. And I think that makes, yeah, we don't have a lot of like, you know, there's not a lot of like showbiz hunks. Like I don't think anybody's going to an audition with this thing.

Got it. Because I know you wanted to know the difference between the crowds at this pool at West Hollywood versus Burbank. This is the kind of lifestyle, this is what makes you accessible. Here's our guest! He came in! He's here.

Just in time for a conversation about swimming. A pleasure. Jordan was just clarifying the difference between the Burbank and West Hollywood swim centers. Oh, wow. And what's the chief difference? Well, I think fewer hunks in Burbank. Yes, fewer hunks. Fewer hunks.

Can I just tell you something? Please. I'm in the midst of a nightmare, and I need to to apologize and we need to talk about how shitty Lyft is. Why don't you get introduced? Yes, introduce our guest. Comic. I love this energy, by the way. I'm on fire. I have a new zest for life.

Yeah, 100%. Improviser, one of the hosts of Las Culturistas, Matt Rogers. Hi, how are you guys? Hi, Matt. We're great. we're thrilled to have you here i'm so thrilled to be here i very nearly wasn't here because let me tell you something we are currently at i won't say the address because that's not that's uncouth sure we'll sure boulevard sure we'll say we're on will sure boulevard there is uh you know the thing is long she goes all the way to santa monica there is another exact address of this i in my i like that you refer to her as a she. She's a she.

Everything's a she. In the studio, she's got us in it. Sure. So I- We are inside her. I feel so warm. Truly, yes. Did I bring heat in?

I feel nurtured. Yeah. Okay, good. I was fully just in Santa Monica. She generates her own heat. She generates her own heat. Listen, it was hot before you got in here, but now that you came in, I'm going to have to lose a layer.

I'm going to have to lose a layer. I'm going to have to lose a layer. Could just be about an extra body. Could have nothing to do with me. Could have entirely to do with, you know, how temperature rises in Jordan. Apparently, our address on Wilshire Boulevard in Santa Monica about 20 minutes ago, the difference between that one and this one is that one had more hunks. Sure. Yeah, you got it. Big time.

Yeah. So, Koy, So what happened in me? I just plugged in the address of this establishment and assumed that that was going to be the first one coming up on Lyft because we're here at MaxFun, people. We are. A lot of influential figures need to come here. That's a good point. And also this is a large building. Also where they dropped me off in Santa Monica, which has the same address as this, it's a hole in the wall.

I have no idea why it would pop up first. What a pile of garbage. What? A pile of garbage? Probably not a single podcast being recorded there at all. Really disappointing. I'm sure that 20% of our audience works at Lyft. Yeah.

Not a bad estimation. We'll get on this because we need to. This is for all the MaxFun guests going forward. I'm just looking out. Here's what I think happened, Matt. If you don't mind me breaking this down for a second. Break it down. This is important information for our audience.

Break it down. I think people were dropping people off outside of our building, which is a multi-unit building, a substantial and historic building. Yes. Here in the MacArthur Park area of Los Angeles, Westlake. God bless. I think they were dropping them off in front of the building. Yes. Here in the MacArthur Park area of Los Angeles, Westlake. God bless. I think they were dropping them off in front of the building. Okay.

There's no parking there. The only lane is a driving lane. It's an active traffic lane. Oh, it's fierce out there. And so I think they replaced the address with the address of the front of the garage, which is around the corner. They did just that. But now if you type the address in instead of the name of our building, it gives you only – the only choice it gives you is the one in Santa Monica. That's what I think happened, and someone at Lyft should address this.

Yeah. Bernie Sanders, where are you on this issue? Truly, where is Bernie? And also, Elizabeth Warren, your silence is deafening on this issue. Buttigieg, your silence is deafening. Today you spoke for quite a while and not a word on this Lyft drama. Why, Matt, I ask you this. Why is Julian Castro the only candidate with the courage to address the question of why Lyft removed our address from its database, sending the great Matt Rogers all the way to Santa Monica, California, which is a beautiful city with its own merits.

Beautiful and gorgeous. I will say in terms of why he was the first to step forward, I respect that. I'm not ready to yet declare my support for Julian Castro. I have to see more. I have to see more. I'm excited about many candidates and I have to see more. I have to see more. I'm excited about many candidates, and I have to see more. What if John Kasich runs? You know what?

What does he have to say about Lyft? What does he have to say about Grubhub? Yeah. See, I draw the line on his reproductive rights stuff then. Yeah. I still am consistent on that. Right. Plus the DoorDash thing.

That too. Have you been in two Lyfts? Did you just get a second Lyft? I got a second Lyft. Or did you tell the first. So have you been in two lifts? Did you just get a second lift? I got a second lift. Or did you tell the first one to bring you to the right place? It was like a fight or flight moment. I was like, am I going to be upset about this and let this defeat me tonight? Am I going to say I can't make it?

Hell no. No. I got in that lift. I doubled down. I soared make it. Hell no. I got in that Lyft. I doubled down. I soared over here. I hinted to the Lyft driver to step on it without being that old-timey person in the back of the car saying, step on it. I said, ugh. Follow that car.

They have my son. Yes, exactly. It was a very Halle Berry and Kidnap narrative. I mean, my only concern here is that that car in front of you did have your son. It did have my son. I actually sacrificed my son to be here. Following that car in front of you did have your son. It did have my son. I actually sacrificed my son to be here. Wow. Thank you so much.

That's so cool of you. I no longer have a son, but I do have a podcast appearance. Which in Hollywood is the same thing. You got to weigh both. You know what they say. There's no such thing as bad boys. No. There is such a thing as bad kids.

If you have a spare son, send it over to Maximum Fun. I know we're not giving out the address. Just remember, Hitler had a mom. Yeah. That's a good point. People constantly forget that Hitler had a mom. And honestly, fuck her. Fuck her.

Mussolini made the trains run on time. And fuck trains. Yeah. Fuck train moms. We're all about Lyft now. You know who I'm not crazy about? Who? Pol Pot's aunt.

Yeah. No. He had an aunt. No, he had an aunt, and you know it. And she didn't do anything to stop it. She did nothing. So to bring you up to speed, Matt, about what's going on here. Even though that's a car analogy I don't like right now.

Which Lyft did you prefer, the first one or the second one? Can you describe the vibes in each lift? You know what? The first lift had such good energy. He literally told me, he's like, you just got in the getaway car. I was like, okay, bitch. I was very down for that energy. And then the second guy wanted to know what I did for a career,

wanted to tell me about what he did for a career, and I wasn't down for that energy. So you mean he's not just a lift driver? He's also an influencer. It's a side job. Wow not just a Lyft driver? He's also an influencer. It's a side job. Wow. He's also an influencer. He's primarily an influencer.

I see what you're saying. He's influencing with some driving on the side. Exactly. But primarily he's about the influencing. And it was weird because if I thought one of my Lyft drivers was an influencer today, it had to be the one that said, you just got to went in the getaway car. Yeah. Shit, man.

I'm going to start saying that. He Lyfts 24 hours a day. Wow. He's a career Lyft driver. He lifts 24 hours a day. Wow. He's a career lift driver. Wow. 24 hours a day. I mean, if you've got lines that are that good, you have to be fucking racking up the miles. Sure.

That's a good point. I don't think. I don't believe, Matt, that you've met Jordan Morris in the past. I don't think so. We're meeting for the first time now. Yeah. And I'm going to say it's going great. I'm having a great time.

If you admire Jordan's beauty, his signature head of ringlet curls. Yes. Thanks. Beloved the world over. I understand. By fans of Jordan, Jesse Go, Fuel TV, and YouTube. Precious moments figurines. Yeah.

This morning. Shirley Temple with like some inches off. That's what I'm going for. Yeah. Yeah. You got that. It's not ordinarily so light in color. So when Jordan came here today, I looked at him.

I said he had a certain glow. I noted the glow immediately. I thought, oh, maybe it's a haircut. Then I said, you know. Maybe he's pregnant. His hair is looking light. It's looking great. He's got a little bit of a Justin Guarini going on right now. Absolutely. His hair is looking light. It's looking great. He's got a little bit of a Justin Guarini going on right now.

Absolutely. I think he had a little bit more volume than you, but you're on your way. Yeah. And Guarini, you know. God, I wish I had more volume. Fuck. Fuck. I say it every day.

Yeah, I say it every day. Can I give you a suggestion, like a career suggestion? Sure. Maybe pump up the volume? Maybe pump up the volume. Dance. Dance. dance. Yeah.

So we were just going to get into what's going on with Jordan's hair. My immediate assumption was that maybe he'd been doing a lot of summer outdoor swimming. Yeah. Is it that? It is that, yes. I have been, yeah, so I think it is a combination of I am now. For maybe a little more than a year, I've been on a swim team with adults. Yes.

I was calling it an adult swim team. That caused confusion. Yeah. But now I'm saying a swim team for adults. I didn't question it when you said it. I was like, of course. Of course. Yes.

I think I have a new concern, which is saying that you're on a swim team with adults suggests that the alternative would be that you would be on a children's swim team. That's what I don't want people to think. Right. But in clarifying, it's a she don't protest too much situation. Oh, you're saying people think I'm lying about the adult thing? Like, oh, this guy's on a kid's swim team. That's how I feel about it.

Or that guy's a kid. I'm on an adult swim team is something a kid says. With other grown-ups. Time to go kiss my wife. Go to work. Go to work tomorrow. Mondays. I love beers.

Sure. Yeah, beers. Paperwork, cars, coffee. You name it. The best parts of being a grown-up, which is what I am. Where's my tie? I've had wine and not at church. Sure.

Are you doing anything to aid this transformation of your hair? No. So I am. Well, I think I don't wear a swim cap because they slide off my head and then I have to go get them. And I feel like a boob. Yeah, I get that. But it is really, my hair is now a lot lighter than it used to be. Okay.

And I had lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. And the first thing he said when he saw me was, are you frosting your tips? He was so mad at me. He's like, are you frosting your tips? Well, what would be so wrong about that? Well, you know, I don't – and again, I had to unpack as to why I was insulted. Yeah. Because –

There's a lot to unpack here. Sure. And it is not wrong for a man to spend time on his appearance. And if a man wants to color his hair, I think that's great. Yes. But I think the terminology frosted your tips got to me. Yeah. Because it is a kind of, is this what you think of me?

Right. Do you think I am such a, you know, trapped in the 90s relic that I am going to try and emulate the lead singer of Sugar Ray. But Jordan, this is my opinion about it. I don't think you're a Guy Fieri. I think you're a Justin Timberlake in the NSYNC era. I was going to say, what you're doing right now

is literally Justin Timberlake, the band's been famous for a year. Right. This is what you're doing. Okay. I think it looks great, Jordan. I'm not lying. Thanks.

Is walking around in all denim with Britney Spears, who is also in all denim, a thing I should do? Yes. Absolutely. Have you purchased a denim suit yet? No, I should. Yeah. But not right now. She's going through it right now.

Oh, yeah. Wait a couple weeks. The one piece of advice that I would give you is be careful around toy stores because you could get trapped inside an action figure box as a marionette. Was that an NSYNC video? Yeah. I remember the one where they were monsters. Is that the same one? That's Michael Jackson's toy. That was actually, I'm going to chime in and be gay here.

That was the Backstreet Boys. The Backstreet Boys were the monsters. the backstreet boys the backstreet boys the backstreet boys were the monsters everybody that's what i was thinking that was them and then of course you know you're a monster yeah and i say that you're a vampire that's what it was they use the traditional pronunciation which is here is that how you say that I think that would be a traditional oh my gosh ancient Turkish

that's how you would say it if you were actually a vampire I believe you 100% thank you yeah I actually I hate vampires I know

I know that vampires are not coming back I know that they're dead forever because did you know that they have like that whole dark monster? Is this a monster trend watch?

No. You were looking behind me and I thought, is there a monster behind me? No, but monsters, I think one monster will come back because I do think horror is having a moment. I believe we will see the rebirth of a monster, like a universal classic monster, but it can't

be vampires. And I don't think it's werewolves because... Vampires are a little worn out. I think Twilight wore out vampires. Yeah, and so what are we thinking? A Frankenstein moment again? This is our signature segment, Vampire Hot or Not. Who's up? Who's down? Who's left and right? Who's a bat

and who's submissed? Sure. So, Matt, let's get into it because you're the expert here. Come on, let's do it. First of all, vampires. I hate these blood-sucking monsters. I don't like them. They would kill me if they could. That's absolutely true.

On the other hand- And then sleep like a little baby in their coffin. But you know what I did love? I didn't even feel bad. What? True Blood. Oh, I didn't watch that. I liked that show.

I like what we do in shadows. So there you go. The great Matt Berry. From Dusk Till Dawn. Great movie. Okay. Wolfman's. Wolfman out, I'm going to say. Wow, really?

Wolfman's out. Too annoying. Because it's kind of like unpredictable? Yeah, just like, it's just like, no, actually, I don't think it's unpredictable at all. You know exactly what it's going to do, which is howl at the moon. Right. We know when we see the moon that it's going to happen. There's a lack of unpredictability here that I –

I love Guillermo del Toro, though. Love him. I can't get enough Guillermo del Toro. And I was so sad to learn that that Wolfman movie that starred Guillermo del Toro, I think that was supposed to be a bad movie. I think you're – I don't think you're thinking of... I think you're thinking of... I think you're thinking of someone else. Benicio del Toro.

Yes, Guillermo del Toro. The other del Toro brother. I don't think they're brothers. Okay, speaking of Guillermo del Toro, what about that fawn monster from Pan's Labyrinth? Oh, in. Okay. We haven't seen enough.

That was an entirely new creation. We need to see more. What do you think about the creatures from the Black Lagoon's in? In. The creatures from the Black Lagoon are actually so in. Yeah? They're more in than Rihanna. Can I ask you a question?

Wow. Can I ask you a question? A Riri herself is less in? Riri's out. The creature from the Black Lagoon is in. Can I ask you a question? You may. Matt, I'm getting older. The creature from the Black Lagoon is in. Can I ask you a question? You may. Matt, I'm getting older.

Okay. I don't have my finger on the pulse like the way that I used to. Not Dracula's, though. They're not getting older. That's a good point. And two of my fingers are on the pulse at all times. I was walking past an Urban Outfitters, and I happened to see a creature from the Black Lagoon in there. Now, I'm never sure if that's a sign that something is hot or something that's past its sell-by date.

It's like because there's – malls are dying. Or is this a read on Urban Outfitters? That's what I'm wondering about. Yeah. I mean like with – and specifically with regard to the creature from the Black Lagoon. I think the creature from the Black Lagoon has not had its big moment yet. And all the other monsters have so i think the creature in the black lagoon we're going to start seeing um and by proxy

we're going to see i think lock ness have a moment again oh all right we're going to see um the lake monster champ have a moment again oh champ from lake cham Lake Champlain. Everyone always forgets about Champ. I don't even know about Champ. I've never heard about Champ. Champ is a monster very much similar to the Loch Ness Monster, perhaps even ripped off from that concept and placed into Lake Champlain. His name is Champ. Everything about him, sort of like the American version of what's going on in Scotland.

We named a monster after the lake it's in. We were not creative. Can I ask you another one, Matt, here? You may ask me so many. Okay. Sasquatch slash Yeti. I'm over it. Really?

I am totally over the drama about whether they exist or not. Girl, come out and find your light. Too much. Too much. I think that if she wants to- Do you think somebody's shine blocking? That's an interesting question. That's possible.

That might be why they haven't found their light. You're right. Honestly, I think that's what's going on. Do you think they might be blocking each other's shine? I think they're blocking each other's shine. I think that even though they exist in completely different – there's a game of chicken being played. Right. Because I think what we're all thinking right now is like, okay, which one of you is going to come out and say hi?

Like this is me and give an interview to Diane Sawyer or something. Right. But the thing is I think they're playing chicken with each other because we don't know. It's not precedented before what's a better career move to come out and say I'm a monster from the forest or to say I'm going to maintain the mystery. Right. We haven't seen this happen yet. Loch Ness Monsterrous remains underwater. Can I tell you something?

I'm just excited to know something since Matt's the expert here, but something that maybe – I don't know if you knew this. Go ahead. I heard the Yeti is negotiating an exclusive interview with Gayle King. That's literally – that is unprecedented. I know. Because to choose Gayle. I know. And this is Gail. I know. And this is no shade to Gail.

No, she's a wonderful journalist. She's a wonderful journalist, but she's a little bit light. You know what I mean? I feel like we don't have- Although she gave R. Kelly the hard questions. She did. That's true. That's true.

But wasn't it a little bit more- So do you think she would ask the Yeti how many Himalayans he has eaten? Right. Sure. Yeah. I think she wouldn't ask that. Oh, wow. Or I think she would hint the Yeti how many Himalayans he has eaten? Right, sure, yeah. I think she wouldn't ask that. Oh, wow. Or I think she would hint at it, whereas I think Diane's asking.

We don't have Barbara Walters anymore to just ask it in her Barbara way. Is this like an in-studio thing? This is something I'm wondering about Gail. Is it in-studio, the bright lights, the whole nine yards, as she did with R. Kelly, or is this something where it's a little bit more lifestyle-y?

It's like, Yeti, take me on a tour of your Himalayan cave. Actually, I just looked at Deadline, actually, and the Yeti is actually doing Fallon. He's just going to play flip cups. See, I think this is a huge mistake. Me too. I think this is a huge mistake because it's like you're going to go on Fallon and you're going to look adorable and fun,

but there's still the problems with you. And I think this is very like Lindsay Lohan deciding to do an interview with Jay Leno instead of Barbara Walters because it's like, yeah, you're going to go on the show and be cute and adorable, but there's still all the problems with you, which we're not discussing. People know what a Yeti has done. Oh, a Yeti has ripped people from limb to limb. We know what they do. It's what you did. You snowy fuck. He absolutely eats so many. It's a senseless loss of life every time

the Yeti eats. Hey, Yeti, come on this show. Come on this show. Come on this show. Yeti, go on Chopper. If you have nothing to see, oh yeah, then we're good. I think if the Yeti were... Yeti, go on Come Town. If the Yeti were a real Yeti, the Yeti would come in this studio right now and talk to us

and tell us about inequality. That's the thing. I don't even want to talk about him as a Yeti. I want to talk about what he thinks about inequality. I want to know his thoughts on 2020. Who is he supporting? Is Joe Biden canceled? See, I bet the Yeti has been in the woods so long that he's still stumping for Joe Biden. Okay. So follow-up question here. And by follow-up question, I mean new line of questioning within the same category of questions. We love that.

This is a misunderstood monster. Okay. Not bloodthirsty by nature. We don't know that for sure, but let's see. It's a classic Frankenstein. In or out. You know, Frankenstein I think is in.

And I'll tell you why. Because we are entering and we are fully in, but we are ever entering a new age of technology each day. Thank you. Facebook, Twitter, personal computers, Twitter, PlayStation. Need I go on a plate of appetizers where you get some of each of the all of the appetizers on the menu?

Yes. Dipping sauces. And it's like $13.95. Seamless. What's it called? A Postmates. Things we can do with technology now. Unlimited salad and breadsticks.

Oh, my God. We can make Kiernan Shipka a thing. Hopefully. classmates what things we can do with technology now unlimited salad and breadsticks oh my god we can make kieran and shipka a thing hopefully um and you know i know what i think probably frankenstein's biggest and again i'm not the expert here i'm an expert i am the expert but i'm willing to hear this this man we met five minutes ago is the expert of course and i think the biggest reason that frankenstein can have a moment, like now, I mean, again, I think it's what you alluded to. It's technology. It's a parable for what can we do versus what should we do and what's a monster and who's the real monster. And I think that's a big part of it.

But also why I think that Frankenstein can have a moment is because daddy thick. Yeah. Daddy thick. That's a good point. I think that Frankenstein can have a moment is because daddy thick. Yeah. Daddy thick. Yeah. That's a good point. First and foremost, Chris Hemsworth, even before he signed with his agency, had it in his contract that he has to play Frankenstein. And so the fact that we're discussing this-

That was when he was representing himself. Even when he was representing himself, all he had was himself and his brothers stacked on top of each other in a suit. And they said they were his accountants. And they didn't even know what accountant was because in Australia, you didn't know this, there's no money. So basically, I agree with you. You make solid points about why we need Frankenstein back because it's creating the monster and then being upset with the monster. But you created the monster. It's important you created the monster is important for today.

It's important for today. Well, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Me, I, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I guess like DoorDash or something. Oh, yeah. I don't know what you prefer to use. Our show is brought to the listener at home, the person with the earpodes on. You know, the earpodes. Yeah, I know the podes you're talking about. By all of the folks who are Maximum Fund members who've gone to MaximumFund.org slash donate to become Maximum Fund members, not least the many thousands who became members during the Max Fund drive.

Not many thousands of new Jordan Jesse Go donors, but many thousands overall. No, of other overall. Yeah. Stick it in your pode. That's what we say. We're also brought to you. Stick it in your pode. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Zip Recruiter.

Jordan, I'm a small business owner. I don't know if you knew that. You've mentioned it. Yeah. But do any challenges go along with being a business owner? Yeah, sure. Well, for a long time, selling marijuana was illegal. Right.

I think, yeah, I would say probably my top challenge, finding qualified candidates to hire. But you know what? That's kind of a thing of the past because I've got ZipRecruiter now. Yeah, I've heard that it makes hiring simple, fast, and smart. Basically what it does is it posts your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards. But not just that. They also use what they call a powerful matching technology. Okay. This is not simple flip cards, memory game, barnyard animals bullshit.

Yeah. This is some sort of AI that could perhaps become sentient? I'm pretty sure it's sentient. Oh, wow. We'll have to check in. It's not in the copy here. Right. I think it's probably sentient, but they stand- I'm glad that it's helping us by helping us find qualified employees and not harming us by destroying humanity.

Yeah, or eating our eggs. Oh, yeah. I need those. Not our human eggs, our chicken eggs. Like, we made scrambled eggs. Yeah, that's what I was talking about. Okay. Well, I don't produce eggs.

I'm a male. Okay. But I do buy eggs. Yeah. And sometimes I have one for breakfast. I mean, just imagine that. Or dinner if I'm feeling like breakfast or dinner. Imagine that you're about to make cookies, Jordan.

Okay. And you go and you open the egg carton. And an AI has stolen all of them. Yeah. You're like, God damn it. Now I got to go to the grocery store. I thought you were supposed to help me find employees. Okay.

Zip Recruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within the first day. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. So smart. Very smart. Give the AI something

to do so it doesn't steal our eggs. Like a mongoose. I need those for breakfast. We need them. Or a mean dinosaur. Sure, an Oviraptor perhaps. Oh, an Oviraptor is the exact dinosaur I was thinking of. I love to steal eggs. I'm one of those duckbill dinos.

Oh, yeah? I'm trying to tend to my young, Jordan. You got to tend to your young. Oh, this Oviraptor stole my eggs. Hadrosaurus, maybe, is what you're thinking of. Metaphoric Oviraptor. I'm obviously a metaphoric duckbill dinosaur as well. I'm not literally.

Of course. This is just a metaphor to better illustrate how going to Zrecruiter.com slash JJ Go can benefit you. I think it's making it very clear. We're also going on tour. We sure are. It's the Summer Boys of Summer Tour, Jordan. Yes, you can find out more at maximumfund.org slash summerboysofsummer. But here's a little synopsis of what you'll find on that website. June 12th, we're going to be in Minneapolis. June 13th, Chicago, Illinois. June 14th, Seattle, Washington. The 15th, Portland.

June 26th in Brooklyn, New York. June 27th, Boston, Massachusetts. June 28th, Washington, D.C. And finally, June 29th in Austin, Texas. We've got some special guests lined up as well. In Minneapolis, we'll be joined by the cast of Riff Tracks. In Chicago, by Courtney Enloe from Trends Like These. And just announced, Jordan, just announced. Now, was it announced earlier or are you announcing it now? About to be announced.

Okay. In four seconds. Three, two, one. Celebrity DJ Idris Elba was not available. So celebrity DJ Jesse Thorne will be spinning classic Soul 45s from his own personal collection after the show in Chicago. Will you be telling stories from the set of Pacific Rim? Yes. Okay. Now, they are stories I read in a fanzine. But, I mean, it's a great fanzine.

Sure. It's called Rim Jobbers. They have good sources. Yeah. So we assume they're true. We've also got Ted Leo in Brooklyn and Boston. That's going to be pretty great. We got Lamont Price, great Boston stand-up comic, in Boston, Massachusetts.

Glenn Weldon in Washington, D.C. And Rachel and Griffin McElroy, the most glamorous McElroys in Austin, Texas. Is that true? No, that's not true. Teresa McElroy is the most glamorous McElroy. Right. Because she does those little 40s haircuts. Oh.

She'll put a set in her hair. Well. Or pin curl. Let's get into it in Austin, Texas. Let's ask those other a set in her hair. Well. Or pin curl. Let's get into it in Austin, Texas. Let's ask those other two why they're not so glamorous. Yeah. Rachel's too into poetry to be glamorous. She's down to earth. She's interested in the arts.

Yeah, sure. It's a little more. She doesn't just have stars in her eyes. Please, come on out to these shows. They're going to be a lot of fun. And who knows? We may never do this again. It seems likely. It seems,

I would put it at 70-30, this will be the death of us. Oh, yeah. We will die on tour like Gigi Allen will shoot ourselves on stage during our final show. He didn't actually do that,

but he said he was going to. Every trip between cities will just be me and Jordan shooting sparks at each other out of our eyes while Brian cries because he can't help Daddy and Daddy get along.

What? Yeah. Shoot sparks out of our eyes? Yeah, sparks of anger. Oh, sure, yeah. Yeah. I thought maybe, I don't know, I thought maybe, like, we were hallucinating the sparks because we were on drugs.

I don't know. No, no, we're 1950s wind-up robots. Oh, cool. Sounds like a good tour. Yeah. You know what? This is not going to be the end of us. This is going to be when we take it to the next level.

Oh, yeah. When we finally turn into robots. Steal us some eggs. Guard your eggs, motherfuckers. Guard your eggs. We're coming for them. The summer boys of summer are coming. Minneapolis, Chicago, Seattle, Portland, Brooklyn, Boston, Washington, D.C., Austin, Texas, we're coming for your eggs.

All the tickets are on sale now. You can find the links at MaximumFun.org. Just look under live shows in the right-hand column. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. I love your iced teas. Thank you. Did you have anything to do with those? I do. I had everything to do with them. I created them.

As the Prince of Long Island, I was given one task in the court. That was to create the cocktail. I was only four. Wow. That's why they taste so fucked up. You were a real savant. You really had a knack for it. Truly.

Can I tell you an iced tea thing that happened to me today? God, I would love to hear a nice tea story. This is totally fucked up. Yeah. This is why I came here. I was at the flea market this morning, as I am on most Sunday mornings. I was there with my mom. And I had introduced my mom to some vendors that I buy things from regularly.

They were chatting. The husband and wife team. Husband's maybe 60 years old. Husband goes into his cooler. Takes out an Arnold Palmer brand Arnold Palmer. Wow. Light. Offers it to me.

Ice cold. Right there. It's Pasadena, California. 80 degrees outside. I'm sweating. You're going to want to drink. Working hard out there in the parking lot of the Rose Bowl. Offers me a light Arnold Palmer brand Arnold Palmer.

I had to turn it down. I can't have the caffeine. It's a migraine trigger, Jordan. Oh, no. I have never felt worse. Can you imagine the kindness shown by a man who sees my distress, sees the flush in my cheeks, the high color in my cheekbones, and says, this man needs a light- You should have just drank the lemonade half.

Fuck! I wasn't even thinking! Wait. I'm sorry. I need to be walked back. What makes it a light Arnold Palmer? Is there more of the one ingredient? I bet it's like nature sweet.

I bet instead of sugar, it's like an artificial sweetener. I would think. They're a migraine trigger? The caffeine. I can't have the caffeine. Caffeine is a migraine trigger. In the i can't have the caffeine caffeine in the tea okay so you can't have caffeine at all you have your migraines are that bad oh my god that is a nightmare but that is like that is like you know that is like being in you're in paris france

yeah you're visiting one of the great artistes as they call them there Matt I have an NPR show this is the kind of thing I do yeah no artiste was great thank you and Les Artiste offers you some of their famous snails

and you say no thank you too much caffeine that's a parallel situation here it was one of the rudest And you say, no, thank you. Too much caffeine. Too much caffeine. That's a parallel situation here. It was one of the rudest things I've ever been forced to do in my life. And there was no amount of explaining that I couldn't have the caffeine. Yeah. Could save, after this man, the kindness to give me a light Arnold Palmer. Ice cold, straight out of the cooler.

You could have just dunked your head in the cooler. That would have been funny. See, now, Jordan, if I'd have had you there instead of my stupid- I have all these ideas. I have all these great ideas. My stupid fucking mother. He needed you there. Who had no good ideas.

Sorry I abandoned you. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay, Matt, here's what's going on on Jordan Jesse Go this week. Tell me. Last week on the program, what you missed. Sometimes on Jordan Jesse Go, we like to find out a little more information about our audience. Little demographic, psychographic, retrographic.

Right. Turbographics. Thank you. 16. So, yeah, we were kind of asking our listeners questions and trying to find out more about them. So we had a really good – we had a really interesting episode when we found out that a lot of our listeners wear – or not wear, but have and wear occasionally a fez. Oh. A shocking number of our listeners own a fez.

That is shocking. Especially given that we limited it to only real fez is no costume store bullshit and uh but we recently had a huge just a huge tidal wave of uh of people getting in contact because they had been in a submarine oh wow so oscar nominated singer songwriter amy man was quite confident that no none of our listeners have been in a real submarine. Actually, hundreds have been in a real submarine. Amy Mann. I mean.

Grammy nominated as well. What? Here's the thing. If you are in something that travels underwater at all, that is considered a submarine, right? Well, not if you're Jonah. You're in the belly of a whale. Jesse's a biblical literalist. That biblical literalism will debunk that.

But anyone that's been to Disneyland and done the Leagues Under the Sea ride are finding Nemo. Matt, I don't want to tell you to listen to this show because it's not worth your time. But to be clear, we clarified that point. We said if the submarine's on a track, it doesn't count. Okay, then forget it.

But it doesn't have to be an active submarine. We heard from multiple people who had served on submarines and listened to Jordan Jessico. However, we would accept a submarine in dry dock. Okay. I got to say, I guess I've never been on a submarine. Yeah. Could you do this with your listeners? Could you say, like, everyone call in who does blank?

Yeah. Where do you think you would get the biggest response? Oh, everyone who, I was going gonna say is gay but uh that would be it would be everyone sure yeah yeah um okay so we have a new battle this week we're seeing if no what i forgot what they were okay so brian fernandez our sunny d our producer, tell us what were the two categories battling it out on this week's program? Okay. So this week we had if you've been on a date in a costume. Now, we did make some clarifications.

Brian, you've been going through emails and phone calls, wasting your life on this question. Oh, yeah. Can you clarify what were the points of clarification on this, just so Matt knows? So it had to have romantic intent. So if you were already in a relationship with the person, then it couldn't just be a night out with costumes. I had that question.

I don't know. I don't remember that. So we don't know. I don't remember that. So we clarified the difference as a married person and who was our guest last week? Emily Heller. Emily Heller. Emily and I are both married people. We clarified that a married person knows the difference

between date night and just doing something together because you do everything together because you're married. Right, of course. So a date night is a choice to engage in something together for the purposes of romance and you're probably planning to have sex afterwards. Right, of course. You can't let the flame go out. You have to tend to the flame.

That gets rid of my eligibility in this category. Okay. Yeah. But also any kind of date with a prospective lover and so on and so forth. We just didn't want to have- In costume. We didn't want to have just like any old regular daytime activity. Or anyone that's had a boyfriend or girlfriend on Halloween.

Sure. We actually said no Halloween. Well, that's great and we also said no like sporting events or things where people wouldn't typically say oh you're in costume like if it was just an outfit that you put on it didn't count and it's like we get it sports jerseys and hats that's uh that's jocks cosplay it's athletic drag we. We know. We get it. We get it. But if they wouldn't say it was a costume, it's not a costume.

Yeah. Okay. And what was the other category? If you've ridden an elephant. Yeah. Which was the hat tip to the UCB4 that asked that question sometimes. So, Matt, have you done other of these things? Have you ever gone on a date in a costume or ridden an elephant? With my ex-boyfriend one time, we went out on a Halloween and went as Harry Potter and

Malfoy. But that doesn't count. Which one were you? I was Harry Potter actually, which is crazy because I was fully the Malfoy of the relationship. Wow. So flip there. Who is Malfoy? Is that a good guy or a bad guy?

He's not so good. Oh, man. Yeah, he's actually the adversary of Harry Potter for a good guy or a bad guy? He's not so good. Oh, man. Yeah, he's actually the adversary of Harry Potter for large. You were the bad boyfriend? Isn't that just classic for me to villainize myself? I don't know. Hey, give yourself a break. Sorry, I'm sorry.

What you guys can't see at home is I'm crying so much. I'm not allowed to talk about our therapeutic relationship in public unless you give me explicit permission. But I will just nod silently in agreement with what you just said. No, you guys are being very supportive in the room, and I want everyone at home to listen to this and know that you're listening to a family. Mm-hmm.

Well, Brian, do you have some calls from people who have responded to the battle? Yeah. We got a pretty good call here from people who have responded to the battle? Yeah, we got a pretty good call here from somebody who wore a costume on a date here. It was just one-sided, but I'll let him explain. That still counts, I think. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to say Dana Gould.

Nope. Or maybe a McElroy or a Doughboy. Dana was on very recently. This is Pat from Vancouver, checking in as a costumed dater. When I was a high school teen, I had my seamstress aunt make me a full-body Spider-Man costume, including booties and gloves. And when I met a nerdy girl at the movie theater i worked at we went on a date and i wore the spider-man costume underneath my actual civilian clothes uh and carried the mask in my back pocket along with the gloves in hopes that if i took her home i could take off my clothes

and have a spider-man costume on uh did not work and i did not get to take her home clothes and have a Spider-Man costume on. It did not work, and I did not get to take her home and just spent about two and a half hours wearing a polyester spandex mix underneath my clothes and sweating profusely. It was embarrassing. But I think it was worth it, and I learned from it. Anyway, love the show. Love you guys.

Take care. Bye. Love you, too. Love you. Here's my first question. His seamstress aunt, did she just go down to Joanne's and say, give me the full body print Spider-Man spandex? I want to sew it up into a costume? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how you begin that process.

Or possibly did you just buy red spandex and draw the rest on with a sharpie? That's something I didn't even think about is the fact that underneath all of his clothes was not the actual Spider-Man costume, but someone's interpretation of it. In fact, just an aunt who probably did just that, and then also to have seen

to be with someone and then take off their clothes and they have a full Spider-Man costume on, but it's fully knockoff that's glamorous that's glorious i love that i guess i i'm what i was imagining was a i need to slip into something more comfortable situation and then he excuses himself to the restroom and then emerges as the web slinger himself see what i would have loved was if on the date which i assume happened in public, something was going weird or something weird happened, he'd be like, hold on a second. Or just like if something was happening, he would just be like, hold on a second. Take off a shirt, put it on the max, and he is Spider-Man.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. To stop a crime? To stop a crime or pretend to as a bit. I don't know if I would love that or I would hate it, but it would provoke a reaction. It would be a choice. You got to make choices in an audition situation, Jordan. And what is a date, but an audition for sex?

I think this is the scenario that played out in my mind. Go ahead. This young woman from the movie. What was our listener called? Do you remember, Brian? Frank. Frank called in. Peter.

Peter P. from New York. Brett. He seemed like a sweetie. Like a sweet guy. Seemed gentle. He did seem gentle. He and this young lady really hit it off on the date. They go back to her apartment, let's say.

Oh boy. Yep. Things are getting hot and heavy. He takes off the clothes. Oh, baby. The Spider-Man suit is there. Uh-oh. She's into it. Yeah. She's stoked about it. She likes the way that spandex is stretching. With great penis comes great responsibility, right?

Well, at least on the seamstress aunt's part. It's like, give me a crotch room. Right, that's where the responsibility lies. His aunt's like, honey, on which side do you dress? On which side does your ball droop? That's where the tailors ask where your penis goes. Of course. So they're kind of, you know, they're getting romantic.

Yeah. And it seems like it's about to happen. You know what I mean? Yeah. But this guy, he hasn't found love in some time. And you know what I think we're hearing before even the bottoms come off? Thwip, thwip. Yeah. I think he's done.

Premature thwip. He's a premature thwip. I think he's thwipped himself. Yeah. Self-thwip. Well, Brian, what were the final numbers on this one? Jordan, can I just tell you that I would wear a Spider-Man suit, but only because I was going to David Letterman Con

and planning to participate in how many Spider-Mans fit in a Jamba Juice? Right, yeah. That's one of the famous activities at Letterman Con. Oh, God. How many Spider-Mans? Send in a few wizards. We're out of Spider-Mans? Send in some wizards.

I always go to that dressed as Larry Budmelman. So we got, we did, so last week we talked about how sometimes when the UCB guys ask about who rode on an elephant, they also ask about who's been hit on by Andy Dick. Yeah, that's true.

And we did have somebody who has been hit on by Andy Dick. At Max Fun Con, they asked that question. That was the competition. Hit on by Andy Dick or ridden on an elephant. And hit on by Andy Dick. At Max Fun Con, they asked that question. That was the competition. Hit on by Andy Dick or ridden on an elephant. And hit on by Andy Dick won. Wow. Moore had, there was like, it was three to two, I think. Yeah.

Is he like out on town? The one I remember was in Austin, Texas. It wasn't even like, they were not, these were not, it wasn't like, yeah, well, I was hanging out at the Groundlings and no, it was just Andy Dick traveling the country, making inappropriate passes at people. Yeah. I think in LA that wins all the time.

And then around the country, it's occasionally. Yeah. So I just thought it was interesting. It's not even about him, and we got one. So the costume dates, we got a bunch of Ren Fairs, some theme parties, a couple Rocky Horrors, a couple Harry Potters. Oh, Rocky Horrors. I didn't even think about Rocky Horrors.

Yeah. That could have been... Someone suggested Rocky Horrors on Twitter after we brought it up, and I was like, shit, this is like Doctor Who and Fez's all over again. Our nerd blind spots are causing us to wildly misestimate these. I need to go to another Rocky Horror soon. The first one I went to was when I was closeted and 18 years old and I wore an American Eagle polo. So I feel like I need to go back.

Yeah, you got to mulligan that, to be honest with you. Oh, that's the sweetest thing in the world. Yeah, and they did bring me on stage to fake an orgasm. Yeah. And it was not entertaining or good for anyone. You're just like, I'm an adult and I'm ejaculating. But now I'm a whore. So they didn't get me on that stage.

You and Malfoy, am I right? I mean, I am a Malfoy in the sheets. Yeah, sure. Which is actually probably a very bad thing. Yeah. And one of those talking owls is Streets. Yeah. Is that the thing in Harry Potter?

They don't talk. They don't talk. They deliver messages. They deliver messages. And also Hedwig dies. So I was really sad that you brought that up. I was pretty sad. A couple of key, really, really fun emails we got from people.

Somebody said they lost their virginity wearing a Superman costume. Hot. Somebody, let's see. On Hollywood Boulevard to a stormtrooper. A Civil War reenactor who their very first kiss was at the 125th reenactment of the Battle of the First Manassas. Oh, boy. And then this one. I mean, first, that's the hor first manassas and then this one first that's the

horny manassas oh yeah uh and then uh this guy i'll just read what he wrote my partner and i are hypnotists and yes and are enthusiastically involved in the erotic hypnosis kink community erotic hypnosis community we just hit a new height on jessica oh fuck erotic hypnosis community we just hit a new height on jesse go erotic hypnosis holy shit i've never even imagined that he said we regularly attend erotic hypnosis parties in new england where we arrive in hypnosis clothing. It is common that attendees will use their costume in some way to induce trance. So what you're doing there? A little bit of erotic hypnosis. Take off your clothes and act like a chicken.

Just all chicken stuff. What a waste. What a waste. What a waste of a great fucking opportunity, such as erotic hypnosis. So. Apparently hypnosis clothing is fetish wear with strange textures, reflective finishes, clothing that makes noise, and sequins. A lot of sequins are popular. So loud, uncomfortable shit.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Wow. So yeah. So those are the highlights from that. There were 56 total. Okay.

And then in terms of elephants, we had a lot of international riders. Can I just tell you a conversation I just imagined? It's with your aunt. Like, oh, what have you been up to, she said. Oh, I went to the ball game with my buddy Frank oh how do you know Frank erotic hypnosis community she's like hold still while I keep fitting you

for this spider man costume we play poker together yeah it's definitely not erotic hypnosis if that's what you were thinking I just happen to be wearing noisy fetish that's what you were thinking. Right. Anyway. I just happen to be wearing noisy fetish. That's reflecting all the light in this room. I have a pocket watch that's dangling from you.

Hypnotic neurosis. What do we think? Let's talk elephants. Yeah. So a lot of international riders. Indonesia, Cambodia, India, Thailand. Sure. Sound like mostly Asian elephants. Yeah. So a lot of international riders. Indonesia, Cambodia, India, Thailand. Sound like mostly Asian elephants. Yeah.

Smaller ears. Mm-hmm. A bunch of circus people who rode them at the circus. Yep. Same thing with zoo. A lot of zoos that don't really do it anymore. And a bunch of fairs, like the state fair or County Fair that came through. I'm going to guess 250 people.

It's a lot like the question, who's been to a Sheila E. concert? Thailand and Vietnam, of course. State Fairs. Right. Of course. And then a lot of people talking about Marine World, Africa, USA. Hell yeah. Vallejo, California, baby.

Brian, you're the producer of the show. Did that sound like I was putting down Sheila E.? I don't think so. Okay, good, because I love Sheila E. I just want to make it- Sheila E. is incredibly talented. Sheila E. is a brilliant genius whose music I love and who I admire. I just want to make that clear.

I thought E. stood for elephant. You guys can't see this, but he's crying so much. Yeah. And we're a family here. I'm thinking about anyone, all lead vocalists slash percussionists. Oh, yeah. And come on, people that can do both of those things at the same time. Yeah.

Looking at you, Phil Collins. Can I tell you that I literally watched like a 20 minute Sheila E concert on YouTube that was like contemporary fully from a state fair and it fucking ruled I watched the whole thing I was like I'm still watching this and I'm still loving it booked what do we got for numbers on elephant yeah so it

it ran away with it 179 wow we weren't quite in submarine territory but we were it was no joke. That is a submarine-like gap. If we had included elephants that are in dry dock, then I think we would have

beat submarines. Oh, something else I wanted to say. We also got a nice email from J. Keith Van Stratton. Oh, the host of Go Fact Yourself? Yeah, he had a nice picture of a selfie of him on an elephant. Oh yeah, that guy's ridden an elephant. That guy's ridden an elephant. If you had said to me what Max Fun host across the entire network, I mean, we're talking about Daniel Radford.

We're talking about Jake Heath Van Straten. We're talking about Ted Leo. All these people. We're talking about all eight McElroys, whatever the count. It depends, I guess, if you include Smurls as a sub-McElroy group. But anyway, any McElroy, all these people. Who is most likely to have ridden an elephant? Well, I would have said pointsguy.com columnist,

J. Keith Van Straten, host of Go Fact Yourself. I haven't met him, but I picture him on an elevator. He loves elevator elephants. Yeah, he loves to travel. To show you how modern I am. What's an elephant? I don't know, elevators. Is that like an elevator, which I do know about?

Honestly, if you... P.S., I only ride elevators where you push your own button. No operators for me, thank you, modern man. Yeah, no thanks, self-flushing toilets. I can do it myself. I prefer to. I prefer to know what's happening. I want autonomy,

damn it. This requires what the French call an artiste. There's that NPR sensibility. Thank you. So, wow,

where do we go from here? What was the total for costumes, though, Brian? Total for costumes was 56. 56. And primarily

Renaissance fairs. Yeah, primarily Renaissance fairs uh yeah primarily renaissance fairs did did we get any context on the superman uh virginity was he fucking a batman it seems to me like if you are going to fuck in a superman costume and i'm not look i'm not an expert on sex or dc comics comics but it seems to me like if you're gonna fuck in a superman costume you're gonna want to fuck batman right no i think actually superman there's something about superman you want to take like his honor okay batman is drama batman is gonna be fucking way more drama than you're gonna want to handle in the morning my parents died it's just like so weepy, so dark.

He goes in his cave. Superman gets up for work and is very positive. You know what I mean? The reason I would want to fuck Superman You could warm it up with his eyes. That'd be funny. to the extent that I want to fuck Superman, which is modest. I mean, if we're talking

about the Kinsey scale, my interest in women is far greater than my interest in men. Superman. He's sweating so much right now. He's so nervous. Superman is certainly one of the best looking men. He's known for his good looks. But I think if I were going to fuck Superman, it would not be so much because he was hot or even because I wanted to debase him, as you described.

Yeah. I've just never fucked an alien. Oh, yeah. Interesting. I'd love to have fucked an alien. Yeah. You could dine out on that for months. I had a lovely dinner with Dean Cain once.

Yeah. I made out with Alf. I want to be clear. But we did not. the alien life form himself nothing that counts as certainly nothing penetrative E.T. fingered me it felt really good

it was warm it was warm healing too he lit up his finger inside me and I was like thank you E.T. all your drinking glasses E.T. phoned me glasses broke. E.T., phone me anytime you want.

I'll come right over. You want Reese's Pieces? You can get this pieces. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hi, it's Allie Kokash, one of the cast members of Mission to Zix, a new addition to the MaxFun Network. We're blown away by the welcome we've received from MaxFun listeners, telling us you've discovered the show and are binging it hard,

supporting us during the drive, and just being rad humans all around. Mission to Zix is an improvised, obsessively sound-designed sci-fi comedy epic following a group of ambassadors as they explore the ass-end of space. I play Dar, the 12-foot-tall, omnisexual security officer with furry scales, chest talons, and a series of flaps and chutes that are for... You know what? You'll figure it out. We'd be delighted if you joined our crew aboard the aging, sentient starship, the Bargerian Jade, as we travel the Zyx Quadrant meeting all sorts of weird aliens played by brilliant guest comedians. That's Mission to Zyx, Z-Y-X-X.

Welcome, everyone, to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. So far, the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition. Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty? Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast. Titan Fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with hilarious conversations,

woke trips through the history of wrestling, and jokes about the finer points of people wearing spandex. What a match! And the Titan Fights podcast will be back every week! Thursdays on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Please, these hosts have families!

Tights and Fights Podcast! Tights and Fights! Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Matt Rogers. I have two dogs. Wow, two. That is so cool, Matt. It's very cool. Do they play? They're my parents' dogs.

Ugh, leave me alone. I was nervous. You do things so fast here. It's true. Hey, man, just be yourself. I know. I'm trying. I'm trying.

I'm trying. Just be yourself. What if all of a sudden my voice was like this? Wow. And I had been like doing. It's the real you. The real trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. What if all of a sudden my voice was like this? Wow. And I had been like doing. It's the real you. The real me is actually like this. It's a lot more labored and affected by the patriarchy.

How do you guys like my American Eagle polo shirt? That was truly me in college on the first day when I met everyone. Hello. Hello. It's me. A heterosexual in a polo. I love triscuits. And golfing.

Who wants to golf, fellow freshman? At NYU. Let's get on the course. Can I tell you what I thought today? As we record this program, we just learned that Tiger Woods won the Masters, the famous golf tournament, after an 11-year drought. He had won something like 14 major tournaments previously. An 11-year drought after he went insane, got addicted to painkillers. Yeah. Tried to wet all these crazy things that happened with him.

Fuck his food or something. And you know what the thought? I think, yeah, he was fucking food. He was fucking his food. Fucking sandwiches. Because every woman was like Stay away from me Well I better fuck this food He dated Alf for a few months

Sure Alien life form He didn't even pick the good alien I'm telling you I know E.T.'s finger is T-H-I-C-C Stimulate the prostate my friend

Daddy I mean and have you seen that neck? Oh It goes all the way up When he gets scared Have I seen the neck? Yeah you've seen the neck But the thought that I had When I found out that Oh, then it goes all the way up. When he gets scared. Have I seen the neck? Yeah, you've seen the neck.

But the thought that I had when I found out that Tiger Woods won the Masters was, fuck, that dude gets paid to play golf. Like, people give. And other people watch it. That's the part that's, like, there's people who are like, I've got $50. I'll give this to golf. Golfers. Is golf, like, I've got $50. I'll give this to golf. Golfers. Is golf really happening right now?

I feel like it's not. No one's talking about it the way they used to in the 90s. Or maybe I'm just not living in a house with my dad. I think you're maybe just hanging out at American Eagle less these days. You're right. I think I'm just not in the suburbs with my father who was a golf fan. But it's like, doesn't

it feel like there was a moment in the late 90s, early was a golf fan but it's like isn't it doesn't it feel like there was a moment in like the late 90s early 2000s where sports were like major news stories like remember the home run race like the subway series those were like front page and back page stories he played tennis right and was a celebrity and was a full celeb yeah i don't remember the camera and also eos rebel baby yeah but now there's like, correct me if I'm wrong, it feels like there's like, you can list on maybe two hands, like the superstar athletes. And they've been famous since that time. Like Serena Williams, to me, counts as a celebrity of yesteryear.

Right. But she is still, of course, you know, Serena Williams celebrity. Well, I think that's particularly true with the recent fall from grace of Rihanna. Mm-hmm. Of course. There are monsters who are more popular than she is now. And now that Rihanna has fallen from grace, it's foolish of me to even wager on other people's popularity.

I mean, everything is up in the air now. Mike Piazza is going to come back and be the most famous man in the world. Only the true king of Long Island. Right. Yeah. You're talking to him. And excuse me, Prince, I'm very young. I'm 14.

Excuse me. We're all going to be going nuts for Steffi Graf next year. Steffi Graf. Oh, my God. My waitress at an Olive Garden. Oh, really? Jennifer Capriati. That'd be fun.

Jennifer Capriati. Wow, you're going for it. Thank you. Ms. Monica Salas, I can play this game. Sure. Let's all play this game for another 45 minutes. Remember when Kournikova was taken seriously as a tennis player? Yeah.

And you're like, tennis, huh? Yeah. You're like, wow. There you go. Matt, thank you for being on the show. Thank you. Do you have a place that people can check you out online? You sure can.

Yeah, you can follow me at MattRogersThough, T-H-O, on Twitter and Instagram. Also, you can listen to my podcast, Last Culture East, which I host with Bowen Yang.

Very funny man, Bowen Yang. And that's on the Forever Dog Podcast Network and we're currently on tour. So on April 20th, will this be out in time for April 20th? April 20th,

we're at the Bell House in New York and then April 20, the weekend of April 27th, we're at Moon Tower Festival in Austin. Cool. That is awesome. So you're going to blaze trees? I'm going to blaze literally so much tree.

In fact, right after this, when I walk out, I'm blazing a tree. Hey, only you can prevent forest fires, huh? Am I right? Oh, funny. Am I right? Going full Smokey? You've got to just make sure you're doing it in the city streets. Of course.

And not up in Runyon. Yeah. Smokey's two things are like you got to pour water on the campsite and you got to pass the Dutch. Pass that Dutch. Sure, yeah. Don't Bogart that kind, man. Our producer is Brian. Oh, Smokey.

That works. Anyway. Yeah, totally. That's why it works so many ways. Because he smokes trees. Cool. And also, have you ever heard his voice? Oh, yeah.

He has Kathleen Turner's voice. He does. Yeah. He also does a great smoky eye, which is not an insult, in my opinion. No, it's not an insult at all. If you can pull off a great smoky eye, wow. Rock it. Brian Sunday D. Fernandez is our producer.

You can find us on the internet at MaximumFun.reddit.com. You can chat about it on Reddit. You can find us on Facebook, just like JordanJesseGo. You can find us on the websites. All websites. They're on all websites. Grubhub. Psycho.

Lyft. At Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris on Twitter. You can find us on tour. We're going to be on tour for the Summer Boys of Summer Tour. So you heard those dates. You can find them at MaximumFun.org. Don't put off buying your tickets. Grab them.

You're never going to get a chance to see the team from Riff Trax again, Minneapolis. We plan to murder them after the show. Yes. And hey, if you're in Brooklyn, Ted Leo never comes to the Bell House. So jump on that one opportunity. Yeah. It's going to be a blast.

We'd love to see you. And we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture artist owned audience supported