Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 581: M'Bank with Josh Gondelman

Episode Date: April 23, 2019

Josh Gondelman (Dancing on a Weeknight, Desus and Mero) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of why Jesse is feeling like a big winner at the moment, the way Josh and Jordan go about finding petsitters when they're out of town, and the newest throuple to capture our heart. Plus, Josh's new album, Dancing on a Weeknight came out this week! If you live in LA, come see Josh on Thursday at Dynasty Typewriter! And grab your tickets for The Summer Boys of Summer Tour before they SELL THE F OUT!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm the host of the program, one of the two. Jesse Thorne, the winner. Jordan Morris, two of two. That's my Star Trek clone name as well. Boy detective. Jordan, I bet.

What have you won? What have you won? I'm winning at life right now, Jordan. On this particular day, I'm winning at life. This sounds like a mood. Jordan, you've got, I can't help but notice, every week you bring to the program a chalkboard. And there's a line down the middle. On one side at the top it says W.

And on the other side it says L. And you put down a tally mark for me every week. Well, the W, it's actually not for winning. It's for wig. I just mark when you're wearing your wig because you wear it sometimes and you don't other times. I thought you meant that it was like a mid-19th century election. No, no, no.

Sometimes the L actually stands for bull moose. Right, exactly. So, okay. This is what happened, Jordan. And I don't like to start the show by bragging. No. I also. 10 minutes in, 15 minutes in.

Right. I try to be honest on the program. Sure, yeah. So, you know, and I don't want to do a backhanded, humble brag kind of situation. No. I found myself in this situation. Far be it. Far be it.

Isn't that crazy? Right. I accidentally spilled wine on my shirt in front of Kanye West, whatever it is. Right. That's not the kind of guy I am. No. I'm a straight shooter. Sure.

And I try and be honest with our audience because I feel like that's the only way they can trust me. Mm-hmm. Right. Okay. because I feel like that's the only way they can trust me. Right. Okay. And the reality is that I'm winning so hard this week that even if I didn't talk about it at the beginning of the show,

the rest of the show, the audience would be like, what's going on with Jesse? It feels like he's winning really hard, but he's keeping it from us. There's a secret he's keeping it from us. Sure. Anyway. This afternoon. We can hear his he's keeping it from us. Sure. Anyway. This afternoon.

We can hear his erect penis tapping on the mic. Why has he maintained a constant erection? His two messes is audible. We can tell. We can tell that that's a penis. We're that astute. It's like a cask of Amontillado situation, only with Jesse's heart on and what a winner he is. Right, yeah.

This afternoon. Edgar Allan Poe. We're recording this. Can we agree, Edgar Allan Poe, one of the greats? Hey, tip of the cap to Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. Yeah. Wrote a lot of stories, poems, and died of drinking. That's true.

In an incident of voter fraud. Party man. Yeah. A party man and a party dude. That's how I want to go. When I'm ready to go, I'm just going to say to whoever the political bosses are at the time, I'm going to go out to Tammany Hall and just say, I'm ready to go, boys. Liquor me up and take me from voting booth to voting booth until I die.

Like my hero, Edgar Allan Poe. So we're recording this week's program on a Sunday, and it's a special Sunday for the Christian faithful because it's Easter Sunday, the day when Christ returned from the dead, which we celebrate with egg searches. when Christ returned from the dead, which we celebrate with egg searches. And, of course, a sacred day for fans of premium television because, yeah, a new Game of Thrones is here and I'm psyched. This is a Daenerys Stan account. As you guys know, this show is now a Daenerys Stan account. That's a mood.

Anyway. So I held one. It was a goose stan account for a while, Captain Marvel's cat, and then I got tired of him. I held one of these egg searches. Yes. In my backyard with my wife and my three children. Fun. It was a lot of fun. Now, were these eggs dyed?

Died with a, did you use the paws kit? We had a- It says peace in Latin. No, that's pax. Never mind. I don't know what paws means in Latin. We had an interesting situation where the kids asked for it. My wife turned them down on the basis that none of them eats eggs.

So any eggs that were dyed would then not be consumed. Right. So it would have been a waste of eggs. They don't eat any kind of egg? I can sometimes get my oldest to eat some scrambled eggs. Okay. The two-year-old will eat— That's a child's favorite kind of egg.

Most things that you put in front of him. Yeah. But there's, at least in my experience with my two older children, they each took a hard turn around two and a half. Mm-hmm. They now do not eat anything. Okay. There are pizzas that they will not eat. Pizzas?

Pizzas. Certainly there's no dinosaur-shaped nugget they won't eat. Oh, you would be stunned. One out of three of my children is willing to eat dino buddies at this point. It's sickening. Yeah. It is sickening. Are you concerned? Okay. I don't want to plant's sickening. Yeah. It is sickening. Are you concerned?

Okay. I don't want to plant any seeds of doubt. Right. Certainly not on this, my big day. Right. But are you worried that your children are maybe imposter children? Like they're not children, but maybe this is an orphanage situation. Oh, not just like a colony of bees in a skin suit?

No, maybe like someone with a disease where they look like a child and they're trying to— Oh, they're websters. Yeah, websters, yes. Yeah, I mean— Are you worried you're— I bought that silver spring strain set for— You're housing websters. Anyway.

It's more of a facts of life situation. So they're not eating nugs. So they won't eat anything. They won't eat eggs. Dino nug or otherwise. So my wife is like, look, we'll put some. No nugs, no eggs. We'll put a few candies into those little plastic eggs and you can hunt for them.

But we're not going to get involved in a whole egg dying thing. So we did it. It was going great. So you're concerned about egg waste. Yeah. Okay. That egg waste. Yeah. Okay. That's reasonable. Yeah.

And... I mean, you're not made of eggs. My daughter, by the way, proposed a solution, which is plastic eggs, but you can dye them. Okay. That's like a business idea. Free business idea for my seven-year-old. That's pretty bad. Dyeable plastic eggs?

So anyway, we're in the backyard, and we had been gone at the- That is actually not a terrible idea for like a vegan family who want like a blank plastic egg. It comes with a little dye kit. Maybe you can wash it off. Yeah, or if you- Or like markers, maybe a marker kit. Or if you got chickens coming over for Easter dinner and you don't want to embarrass them. Sure, yeah.

Make them uncomfortable. So we had spent the- It was my kids – one of my kids' spring break. And so we had been at the cabin for a few days, came home from the cabin. And I found on my desk at home, in my home office, a three-quarter drunk can of La Croix, popular sparkling water beverage. La Croix, popular sparkling water beverage. And I happened to be, at the moment that I found it, headed to the backyard for this egg hunt, and I was holding a bag of Filipino snack food called Boy Buwang Cornik,

which is like a seasoned corn product. Sure. Like a corn nut? Yeah, like a corn nut. Sure. Like a corn nut? Yeah, like a corn nut. Okay. Exactly. It was garlic flavored. Very tasty.

I love Boyd Bowen Cornick. But I happen to be thirsty because this is a salty treat. Sure. So I'm headed to the backyard. I see the can on my way to the backyard. I grab it. I'm like, perfect. There's some LaCroix still in here.

I'm going to drink this if I get thirsty from this Boyd Bowen. What flavor? Key lime? I believe it was Pomp LaMouche. Or grapefruit. And so I'm sitting in the backyard. Just imagine me living like a king. My children.

No. Parade. I won't imagine you like that. No. You can't tell me what to imagine. You're not the king of my brain. How about this? I can imagine what I want.

Jordan, you don't have to imagine it. Here's me right now putting on this ermine stole. No, I refuse to look. And purple velvet cape. I won't look. I won't imagine. I'll teach you a lesson with my golden scepter. Cool.

So I was sitting in the backyard. My children are doing adorable Easter egg hunt things, getting excited about white chocolate, all the foolish adventures of childhood. And I'm drinking from this. I'm having a great time drinking from this LaCroix, eating these boy Buang Cornics. I drink a sip of the LaCroix, and there's what I can only describe as a wrong texture. and there's a there's a what I can only describe as a wrong texture

now I want to be clear that it already had the wrong texture because I had opened this LaCroix before I went to the cabin

and drank two thirds of it three quarters of it and then I was drinking the rest six days later can I can I

can I theorize as to what this wrong flavor was yeah it was a texture. Dip spit? Yeah. I used to.

I often can't use my chalk hands with my. When Chris Fairbanks and I, a frequent guest on this program, used to work together, we used to have to drive around a lot together. We would have to drive to stuff. And this was when he was dipping. And not dots. No. dipping. Not dots. No. Chaw. Yeah, it was not the ice cream of the future. It was how he maintained his connection

to his native Montana. Right, yeah. And I would always, I don't know if he still does, you know, I hope he's Well, last thing we want is for Chris Fairbanks to get mouth cancer. No. That's the money maker. Sure. We need that mouth, baby. How else is he going to – how would he mumble without the mouth? Sure.

What will we laugh at if Chris Fairbanks is not saying anything? Jordan struggling to say something. Sure. And then so we – so, yeah, he would always have something to spit in, water bottle, soda can, something like that. And he would always just like – Golden chalice. Golden chalice. And always like leave it in the car and I am – and I just – my constant fear was like I am going to have to drink my friend's dip spit.

And accidentally – a day will come where I will accidentally drink my friend's dip spit. And then how will we work together? Well, my son Oscar does indulge in the chaw from time to time. Sure, yeah. He's got those yellow fingers. But that was not the situation. I drank from the La Croix. And I noticed an off texture.

Yep. Something going on. And again, more than just it's a terrible – the flavor is terrible unless it's born by the bubbles. When the bubbles are gone, the flavor is awful. Yeah. A flat sparkling water with flavor is a pretty nasty thing. The metallicness comes out. So I said to myself, this texture is wrong.

It should be smooth and wet. Sure. Not lumpy and wet. Now, I had had a few smooth sips originally. Yeah. So this was a real curveball that had been thrown to me. I just want to say this story, the appropriate length. I'm glad it's the length it is.

So what I did, Jordan, is I spat it right out. Guess what was in there? Boy. I'm going to say. Yeah, that's right, Jordan. Oh, wait, hold on. Three snails. Close.

What? One fly. One fly. So, I didn't eat the fly, and my winning streak has begun. But the fly was in your mouth briefly. I didn't eat it, Jordan. That's true. I recognized there was something wrong about it, and I spat it out.

That's a W for Big Jay. Sorry, fly. This mouth is for bedtime spiders only. World champion. Congrats, man. Jesse Thorne. That's great. 2019 is looking up, baby.

Mark one under W. Congratulations, man. That's huge for you. Should we introduce our guest? I would love to. Do you think I've intimidated him because of my tales of winning? Here's hoping that he's had some sort of miraculous win in the past couple days. If so, maybe he'll be comfortable.

If not, he'll just be a quiet little violet the whole time because he's too intimidated. I think technically it's a pretty big W to have made it through the first 20 minutes of that bullshit story. I interrupted too much. Our guest on the program is a television writer for the Showtime Network. That's Premium Cable. His bosses, the very talented Desus and Mero. You know him as a beloved stand-up comedian. You know him as Twitter's most benevolent pep talker. You know him as a soon-to-be-published author, Mr. Joshua Gondelman.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. What a joy it is to have you here. Oh, it's such a pleasure. I'm so excited. Ever eaten a bug, Josh? I mean, not to throw my success in your face, but I don't eat several bugs every day. Holy shit.

Bugs would love for me to eat them lining up at the corners of my lips. No, no, no, I say. Not today. Like a commercial for famine relief? Like a commercial for famine relief. But the bugs are more excited. It's not like a – To be fair, your mouth is always filled with sugar water, though, right?

A glucose solution. That is true. I like to keep it sticky. So the bugs are like urban teens and the corners of your mouth are like hot new sneaker releases. My mouth is the supreme store of bugs. Got it. Yeah. So sometimes bugs camp out overnight sure folding chairs sure

yeah that's cute with their parents yeah because if they're too young that's dangerous that they line up at my mouth i i live i live very close to like sneaker lineup central or la is sneaker lineup central anyways and i you know and it And it is something I know nothing about this world. It is baffling. I encounter it when I am walking to Cantor's. You just know that where you live at any moment, you might run into Haji Beach. Sure. Yes.

Yes, exactly. Any of the odd futures I could run into. Do you think over time – I would like to ask them if they've softened their stance of Wolfgang, kill them all. It feels like a really hard line. Kill them most. Yeah. It just feels like from a different time. They've abandoned their semi-ironic homophobia.

They said, look, that was something we did as teenagers. Now we just have a sore that sells one unicorn shirt. Yeah. And we just want to kill many of them. Many. Most. Some. Odd future, Wolfgang, kill myriad.

I have noticed that the sneaker lineups have been getting quite young. You do see a lot of young teens there with like young teens there with their like square like old like hollywood lawyer parents waiting for sneakers it is an interesting thing it used to be cool dudes and now it's uncool teens children and and dork dads yeah the internet has democratized and by democratized i mean i guess reverse democratized that culture, wherein at this point, most of the big most of that culture's biggest stars are just wealthy 12 year olds who have like a popular Instagram presence. Or like a dog on Instagram owned by real human dickheads. Just like my dog's wearing Jordans. He doesn't like it.

His feet are his shoes. Josh. Yes. You are visiting LA from New York. I am. You brought your wife, you mentioned. I did. I brought my wife, Maris.

Where is your Instagram popular dog? Who is watching? Busy? Busy. Busy. Busy. Our friend Alice is staying with – is staying at our apartment and watching Busy. Busy is a homebody. You can't sedate a flat-faced dog for flight. Okay.

A pug, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Busy is a pug. So you can't sedate a flat-faced dog for flight. And Busy is – like Maris always says that if we could get Busy certified as a service dog, but then she would need her own service dog. She is very anxious. She's an anxious creature. Service bird?

That'd be cute. Service all little dog with a bird right here. It'd be like a video game premise. Unlikely, but delightful. I know. Sure, yeah. They could be the Banjo-Kazooie of the airport. What about, we're picturing little dog, little or bird.

What about my dog riding around on an ostrich? That'd be great. That would be fun. That would be fun. And they both have little vests on. Oh, yeah. Little vests. Quick question for this pug joust that we're creating.

Sure. Would it be possible to get Dana Gould to voice your dog? I would love for Dana Gould to voice my dog. All sassy animals in video games are voiced by Dana Gould, right? Sure, from Gexon. So we don't even bother bringing her to, like, she doesn't even like to get in cars, so we just, like, bribe a friend who has roommates to stay at our house alone for a week. And she, we should explain, her name is Busy. She's named after her godparent, Busy Bone

of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. Performing today at the Staples Center, my dog was very sad not to be there. I also have a... I'm sure she'll see them at the crossroads. I also... Uncle Charlie's memorial service. Sorry.

I also do that with people who have bad roommates. I kind of clock all of my friends who have bad roommates. I'm like, okay, I'm going to try and catalog every I have bad roommates story. And I'm like, this person could be a cat sitter. Yeah, absolutely. This person will gladly come. And it would also like – and also like maybe no cable, no PlayStation. I kind of keep track of who my friends are who don't have my cool stuff.

Yeah, that's exactly it. We have like a nice home that two adults over 30 have cultivated for themselves. And so like maybe a younger friend will just be like, yeah, get away from your roommate situation. Do laundry in the apartment. I don't mean to brag, but no bugs have been in my mouth today and we have in-unit laundry. I mean, Jordan lives a bachelor lifestyle, but the pros are, as you mentioned, you get to spend time with Bug the cat, you get to play the PlayStation, and instead of a kitchen,

hot tub. Yeah, that's where I do all my cooking. Oh, what a big stew. Yeah, I make a giant Bugs Bunny stew. It's sort of a hot tub slash pot. A crock tub. But if you've never felt those Szechuan peppercorns tingling your nuts. Yeah.

And I realize as I'm cooking myself in a giant hot tub that the cartoons that it's mimicking are probably problematic in hindsight. Oh, yeah, deeply racist, but so delicious. But so, yeah, and I'm not, you know, I don't have any racial characters around me. Right, right, right, right. That's fair. You do have a troubling pen pal relationship with a German cannibal fetishist. Yes, I do. I know. These guys, yeah, I know. I basically take pictures of myself, and those are German cannibal thirst traps. These guys, yeah, I know.

I basically take pictures of myself, and those are German cannibal thirst traps. Come to L.A., Daddy, and eat me. Josh, you've heard about the cannibal cop, right? Oh, of course I've heard of the cannibal cop. The cannibal union comedy writer. Bug the cat, I will say, also never been in my mouth. Yeah. She doesn't like mouths. She's more of an armpit gal.

Have you guys really never eaten a bug? I'm sure I've swallowed a fly on a bike or something like that. I don't remember it. Then you swallowed a spider to get rid of it. Perhaps I'll die. That lady's definitely going to die. Yeah, we all are. Exactly.

Death comes for us all, spider-eating woman. Don't give me that. Spider woman, we'll see at the crossroads. If that's really how they feel about it, the story is, I don't know why she swallowed that fly. For some reason, she thinks she might live forever. What the fuck's up with this lady? Yeah. One of the most troubling things that happened to me as a middle schooler, and of course, middle school is a time of trouble.

Yes. A turbulent time for all. In River City and elsewhere. It's the most likely age to get into Magic the Gathering. Oh, yeah. I definitely was. We do. A bug flew into my eye and went under my eyelid.

Oh, that's the worst. And my school was too small to have a nurse. There was only like a couple hundred, a few hundred students total in the school. So there was no school nurse. So the science teacher took it out with a forceps. They went and got the science. They're like, who can we rely on? That's a good call.

I mean, better than, you know, English. Used to be barbers. Yeah, right. This was the Middle Ages. Also, I'm so grateful, balanced my humor. They did a bloodletting. You're like, it's just a bug in my eye. Yeah, you probably have a demon in your brain.

That's what the bug was trying to go get. So I take a drill. She's like, I've been waiting for this moment my entire career. Maybe we shouldn't have asked the phrenology professor. Four years of undergraduate biology, that teaching certificate, and now this, a chance to use my trepanation

device. To perform a surgery that could get me sued and unemployed forever. Josh, you mentioned, so last time you were on the show, you had a bad Airbnb experience. I did. But maybe this time you're having a good one.

I think so. We got into the place and I said to my wife, I was like, what weird thing is going to be horrible here? And we haven't found one. So it's pretty nice. Have you used the toilet yet? Have used the toilet. How'd it go? Oh, boy.

It was terrific. Describe the dump. This is josh's dump stan account tired of daenerys a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell the dump most people are we talking about jordan i truly don't know me either Most people would go from Daenerys to like Jon Snow or something. You bailed on Daenerys when full Josh is dumb. Well, first I was into Goose, Captain Marvel's cat. Then it was Daenerys and now it's Josh is dumb. And you can only stand one thing at a time. You can only stand one thing at a time.

That's a mood. Is this an Ikea furniture style Airbnb? Like I can't decide. This is my honest question I'm really looking for guidance on. You know how sometimes when you're looking at the Airbnb choices or maybe you're on vacation rentals by owner, VRBO.com. This is not about brand marketing. Oh, you're a Verbo? Yeah.

I'm a Taurus. I'm also on OkCupid. I'm a Taurus. I'm also on OkCupid. I'm a Lorbon. Ooh, what's that? It's like a Libra, but I rent people my apartment. Oh, sure. You're very loyal. I actually rent apartments on the Boy Boang Cornet website.

Sure. So, Josh, this is what i'm asking you okay because sometimes when you're especially like if we're going on tour like jordan jordan and brian and i are going to be going on tour this summer and there is some question well do we get hotels or do we get an airbnb and we're at the number of people where sometimes we might want to get an Airbnb. Now, there's two kinds of Airbnb. One is an actual home of an actual human. That, it seems like the advantage is they have to live there. Yeah. So maybe it's okay.

Right. They're not going to forget something. They're not going to be like, oh, fuck, water. Whoops. I accidentally built a wall between the, yeah. Yeah. Between the top of the toilet and the bowl. There's a gas leak here I don't know about.

Yeah. So that's one type. The other type is just wall-to-wall IKEA furniture. Yeah. Or not even wall-to-wall, just barely enough IKEA furniture. Yep. Just one black and white photo of Paris hanging up. Yeah, that's exactly it. There's art in here.

I did an art. And it feels like one apartment that was somehow turned into two apartments with drywall. Yeah, very bad. But the plus side of that is it will be bad in a way, but in a consistent way usually. Whereas actual people's homes reflect them in a way that could be disastrous. Right. Like that saying about all happy families are happy in the same way. All bad Airbnbs are bad in the same way.

You might just get there and there's a note that says like there's a coffee shop around the corner. Here's a couple restaurants I recommend. Feed the lion before 4 o'clock. Right. Oh, my favorite – Or it gets grumpy. My favorite ones are the ones where they show up – and I think we even talked about this last time – and they give you like a list of lies to tell. Oh, yeah.

Like it's not supposed to be an Airbnb. Oh, yeah. Like it's not supposed to be an Airbnb. So if anybody sees you, you're my ex-boyfriend and I'm very mad you're here, but it's legally fine. It's like, what? Why is this backstory so insane? And you love to knit and refurbish old cars. That's what you're here to do. Give you a couple of character details.

Yeah. I did show up at one once in Silicon Valley. I had an appointment in Silicon Valley. It was a business meeting. I had to go there, have the meeting, go to sleep, get on the airplane in the morning. Sure. And it turned out to be like a crazy boarding house. Weird. a crazy boarding house weird like where if you were like a foreign engineer who just got to town

you'd stay there for three weeks like in the manner of someone who like showed up in colonial philadelphia with a letter of introduction to benjamin franklin like it was so weird like so many people were sleeping there in what i would say was maybe like a two or three bedroom place. There was probably six or seven bedrooms that had been made through various means. And the woman who owned it was there but was not helpful or nice. So is it like it would have been better if she wasn't there. So you went to Orphan for a Night fantasy camp. Exactly.

That is literally, it was astonishing. And I mean, there's gruel in the fridge. To be fair, I was in Palo Alto or some shit. And I just should have been grateful that I wasn't paying $1,000 for a cardboard box in an alley. But that was one of my most disastrous. But I'm never sure. Because one time I went to one of those Ikea ones. You'd think it'd be terrible.

But I'm going to be honest. There was a hot tub on the roof. And I went and got in the hot tub and it turned out great. Yeah, that's awesome. Made yourself a nice stew. Yeah, exactly. A bunch of peppers. I mean, I always, I cannot deal with the Airbnb when the person is there.

That to me is just like, it's the anti-vacation. I feel like I'm being polite the whole time. I don't want to come home too late. You know, I would rather just fuck up a Doubletree, you know, in that situation. So I really try, and when I'm traveling with an Airbnb by myself, to like really make sure the person's not going to be there just because I, you know, I can never relax. I went to a foreign country. When I was in Denmark a few years ago, I stayed in an Airbnb that was a couple's extra bedroom. It was a fucking dream.

It was a dream. They lived in a cool neighborhood. They were cool. dream it was a dream they lived in a cool neighborhood they were cool uh they like their only disappointment was that i was slightly less cool than they were uh they didn't care when i came or went they had good restaurant recommendations they were very nice and they showed me how to use a shower that is undifferentiated from the rest of the bathroom. Wow. Which I felt like was a true cultural. Like if I had been in Austin for South by Southwest and they,

somebody said, yeah, the shower head is, uh, 18 inches from the toilet seat. You sit on the toilet seat while you take a shower. I would have been like, what the fuck?

My in Copenhagen, it felt like a fucking exchange student ship. So European. Yeah. I was in one in Austin and you know, dude, Airbnb dude said that he was not going to be there. It's just clarified because I've run into this shit too much where you maybe think the person's not going to be there, and then they're just fucking making ramen in the kitchen when you come home. And then so I'm like, I'm really trying to make sure this dude's not going to be there. So his deal was he's like i won't

be there i'm going on a yoga retreat with my girlfriend great so he's like i'm you know he's like i'm gonna show up i'm gonna give you the keys and then i'm gonna head out on this yoga retreat with my girlfriend and also if anyone asks right you're here on a yoga retreat with my girlfriend right exactly we you are part of our thruple. The real part of our thruple couldn't be here. They are with one of their other thruples at a different yoga retreat. Interlocking thruples. Right, sure.

It's an erotic hypnosis thing you wouldn't understand. We call it a chain link thrents. Whoa. Yeah, that was great. Good job, Josh. Thank you. So, again, okay, so I'm That was great. Good job, Josh. So, again, okay. So I'm like, great.

And, you know, great place. You'll be shocked to know the dude brewed his own beer and he had some bottles of it in the fridge. He told me to take as many as I wanted to. That number is always between one and zero. Yeah. He called me weary traveler. Yeah. Which, you know, I think I'm painting a picture of this man. You know, picture this man. And so he ended up so I was there for maybe three days and he ended up coming it coming back at the end of the first night. And I knew he had come back because his golden retriever with a bandana got in bed with me.

golden retriever with a bandana got in bed with me and i had a and he's you're like oh well this is a weird throuple yeah and and it turned so he i like in the morning like oh hey i thought you were gonna be at the yoga retreat he's like uh no i just you know i came home early i'm like ah fuck they had a fight and then this guy was hanging around and his dog would come get in bed both i mean i say like there was a good dog it was nice dog. It's fun to have a dog in the bed. But I'm also like, I don't – can you knock $200 off this thing? I'm sleeping with your dog. I feel like my new policy is if it's not –

normally what I'll do is I'll go on Hotwire, you know, discount website. I don't have any loyalty points. I don't have any – I'll just take whatever is the comic, whatever is next to a construction zone. Whatever is, you know, whatever reason

that it costs $100 to stay at a four and a half star hotel, I'll take it. But my Airbnb policy now, pool house or nothing. If it is not, if it is not. It has to be designed by Rem Coolhouse. Or nothing. If it is not, if it is not designed by Rem Koolhaas or nothing, if it is not an idyllic like small studio in someone's backyard, that is the amount of interaction I want to have someone with someone, which is to say none or as much as I want.

Because if you know, if I don't want any, I can just stay in the pool house. If I do want some, I can look through their window. Sure. No, but I mean like I want this contained space. It has a bed in it. It's got its own bathroom. It's got a kitchenette. I don't need more than a kitchenette. I'm not making a fucking fancy feast. What am I, a cat shop?

Sure. I'm not making a friskies in here when I go on vacation I love to I still make cat food from scratch you bring your food processor yeah it just helps because you wake up in a hotel you're like what city am I even in and then you go to the little mini fridge and there's your

homemade cat food and you're like wherever I am it's home right now yeah it's great to have rituals yeah right some people it's coffee for, it's homemade cat food. You smell those anchovy fillets. They waft towards me gently. That chum-grade fish. Sometimes a full fish skeleton.

Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, wow. You're Heathcliff in it. And also, the wet food, great for your kidneys. So good for my kidneys, which generally I don't consider their health at all. No. That's why you got to get that stinky wet food. I'll, like, if I'm even eating dry food, I'll dampen it.

Yeah. Just for the sake of my kidneys. You got to damp the dry. Got to damp the dry. Okay. My father told me that about making love. That's all he told me. Before he shot himself in the barn. I was in the barn.

Listen, son, you gotta damp the dry. Then he put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger with his foot. Okay. That definitely sounds like the last words of someone who furnishes and maintains an Ikea Airbnb. Got to damp the dry. Also, don't mind the cameras. All right. They aren't on.

The red light means it's off. They're for when nobody's here. Yeah. You got to make sure it's safe. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan. Yes. Our friend. Yeah, Josh, sorry. Hey. Our friend Josh Gondelman has a brand new comedy album. Did you know that? Yes.

Oh, good. Well, that's covered. I want to hear no more information about it. I don't want to hear when it's coming out, where people can get it, where it was recorded, what its impressive placement is on the iTunes comedy charts. You know what? I do want to hear those things. Now that I said it, I want to hear it.

Well, honestly, now my feelings are hurting. You'll have to ask somebody else, Jordan. Okay, well, I'll tell you which number two on the iTunes comedy chart. Hey! Number one is Gallagher live in Scottsdale. But number two, Josh Gobelman. You should hear what he smashes on this one. It's an all audio smashing experience

wow a bell yep a bell it's what a lot of it is gong it's less comedy yeah

well smashing he's just striking it kind of mournfully it's like a doleful gong wail but yes thank you

it's number two on the iTunes comedy chart, which is exciting. And I recorded The Bell House in Brooklyn. And it came out last week. It's called Dancing on a Weeknight. And it's available wherever you stream things. Or you could order it. I recorded through Blonde Medicine Records. And it's out on vinyl.

And you can order it from the Blonde Medicine website. Can I just say – I'm just going to say this, Jordan. I don't want to alienate anybody out there who listens to this show who works in the comedy industry as a comedian. I'm talking specifically about Steve Agee. Exclusively about Steve Agee. But I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Josh Gondelman.

One of the best in the business. Oh, yeah. One of the best in the business, baby. One of the funniest there is. Sorry, Agee. You're also very good. You know what? You're one of the best, yeah. One of the best in the business, baby. Yep, one of the funniest there is. Sorry, AG. You're also very good. You know what? You're one of the best, too.

You're both amongst the best. Yeah, but I can't say who's better. No, why would we? Who do you stan? Who do you stan? Oh, boy. Oh, still your turds. I haven't gotten tired of them yet.

Josh Connellman, this right here is a Webster Stanley Cup. Oh, boy. I also love the dictionary. The dictionary's great. Hey, Jordan, speaking of the Bell House in Brooklyn. Yeah. We're headed to Brooklyn to the Bell House. Amongst other places.

We're going out on the Summer Boys of Summer Tour. Tickets on sale now. I just got an email from uh from our booking agent not to brag but we're in show business sure and uh he said he said this is what he said josh he said let's make sure you get your complice in for this show because it's about to sell the fuck out damn now he didn't say fuck because he's a polite professional professional booking agent yeah so it sounds to me nice indie rock guy. So it sounds to me like what you're saying is that the Summer Boys of Tutmer tour is in danger of selling out.

And if people live in one of the cities we're going to, they should get their tickets now instead of waiting so they don't miss out like chumps. And if you're a brand representative for Capri Sun and want us to sell out, we are just on the brink. We will not take a big offer. We love your pouch juice. Get us. It's more of a juice flavor sugar water. Sure. Yeah.

But it does come in a pouch. And it can attract ants to your mouth. That's what I use it for. Actually, I'm kind of ahead of a long-running sponsorship with Capri Sun. Oh. Oh, wow. Yeah, it'll lead ants to your mouth like a horse to water, and you can make them drink. We're going to have to switch to those Hawaiian punch pouches.

Or the Kool-Aid, what were those called? Spurs? Squeeze-its? Maybe squeeze-its. I mean, squeeze-its was its own thing. Yeah, squeeze-its is the plastic thing with the little thing you twist off at the top. Yeah. Then you chug along.

But weren't those Kool-Aid brand? Kool-Aid had their own version of that, but I think maybe it was- They were a Squeezit knockoff, I think. Yeah, I think you're right. Okay, Squeezit was first. Yeah, sure. Well, we've sorted that out. Release the Squeezit cut.

Yeah. You know you're an older millennial if- You sometimes confuse Kool-Aid and squeeze it. You haven't turned off Jordan Jesse Go yet. Where are we going on our big Summer Boys of Summer Tour, Jordan? Starting June 12th, we're in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh, boy. With the fellas from Riff Trax.

Well, that's the best celebrities of all of Minneapolis. Yes. Now that Prince is dead. Sure. And even when he was alive, these guys kicked his ass. I mean, if you got Mike there in addition to Bill and Kevin, yeah, that's better than Prince. Ethan and Joel Cohen are listening and just crying softly. Chicago, Illinois will be the next night, June 13th.

We've got Courtney Enloe from the Trends Like These podcast. And you're doing a DJ set, Jesse. Yeah, that's right. They invited me to do a DJ set after the show. I'll be spinning original Soul 45s. I purchased a special box that you carry your 45s in when you are a famous road DJ like myself. June 14th, we'll be in Seattle, Washington.

June 15th, in Portland, Oregon. June 26th, in the aforementioned Bell House in Brooklyn. Ted Leo is going to be our guest at that show. Among others. June 27th, we'll be in Boston. Also with Ted Leo and the great comedian Lamont Price. Oh, great. I love Lamont Price. June 28th,

Washington, D.C. with Glenn Weldon, one of our faves. By the way, did you hear when we just found out what Josh Gondelman thinks about Ted Leo? No. I love Ted Leo? No. I love Ted Leo. There's no Lamont Price. Hold on. Everybody already loves Ted Leo.

He doesn't need a Gondelman juicing. Lamont Price is an old dear friend. Yeah, he's a very funny guy. You took a look at the lineup and you're like, who needs a juicing? Yeah. Who needs a juicing? LP. Yeah.

And June 29th, we'll be in Austin Texas with Griffin and Rachel McElroy of the McElroys? of the McElroy family of podcasters they're more popular than us sure people will just want us to shut the fuck up rightfully so and by that point of the tour we will be glad to

take it away McElroys is what we'll say and then we'll put on little sleeping caps and go to sleep. It's time for Jordan Jessico's signature segment, Rachel's Poetry Corner. Yeah, Summer Boys of Summer. You can get those at MaximumFun.org slash Summer Boys of Summer. And yeah, sounds like

it's selling out, so I would get those tickets ASAP. And Jordan, there's a lot of literature lovers that listen to Jordan Jesse. I don't know if you knew that. Scriveners. Librarians. Although some of the Scriveners prefer not to listen.

That's true. I'm so sorry. I'm truly so sorry. I waited too long to say it. I botched it the first time. I powered through. I mean, what's great about this is we'll have Brian edit out the time you botched it, so now you look like a double fool. Ah, fuck.

I assumed you would go through and edit out all the things I say. No, no, no. It would be kind of a sixth sense-y podcast where you're talking to me and nobody hears you. No, we are going to find clips of you on other podcasts looking foolish and edit them in. You don't have to go far. This will be the greatest hits. I apologize. I stepped in.

You were describing the kinds of literary titans and grunts that was in your podcast. From titan to grunt. Cheese and cheese. It's real Kilgore Trouts listening to this show. on cheese and cheese. It's a little Kilgore Trouts. Let's do a show. And if you're a fan of the reading arts,

well, why not check out Josh Gondelman's book? It's coming in September. It is coming in September. I think the pre-sale link will be live, I think, this week, which is pretty exciting. Keep an eye out for that. Gotta get that Gondel book. Gotta.

Get onto a website. Order the Gondel book. Any website. Oh, get onto a website. Order the gondola book. Any website. Oh, fogdog.com. Spend your flues on the gondola book. What's that? Did you say fogdog.com? Yeah. I thought you said fuckdog.com.

I'm like, I have been there. There are no books for sale on that website. That's where you got that Airbnb in Austin. Right, yeah. What's fuckdog? What's fuck, Doug? What's fuck with you? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Josh Gondelman, just an industrious worker bee. It's true. Look at this guy shaking his butt, showing everybody where the good pollen is. Pleasure the queen, Gondelman. Pleasure the queen, damp the dry.

Damp the dry, pleasure the queen. I'll beat you with my scepter. You still don't get a W because you didn't bring the wig. Sorry, man. You're not getting a W until you wear that wig. I do advocate for changing from the gold to the silver standard. Sorry, it's more of a Tory move. It's more of a thing a Tory would want. I don't care if it actually is.

The L is for lorries, right? That's whether you want to vote for a wig or a truck. Right now, by the way. A British truck. Yeah. That scratching sound you hear is 100 AP U.S. history teachers. Yeah. Quill writing us

letters. Kissers! Yeah, I know. The Bull Moose Party was in the early 20th century. William Jennings Bryan, right? That was his... Sure, Cross of Gold. Good work, Jordan.

Thank you. I'm great. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to move on to momentous occasions. But first, I feel like sometimes, you know, something will happen online. In the zeitgeist. We are surrounded by what I call Josh's zeitgeist. Mm-hmm. And I think that we have – there are themes on this show, big themes. Yeah.

Universal. Capital T themes. Themes. Man versus nature. Lowercase b? Yeah. Lowercase b, capital T. Got it. Yeah.

Yeah, man versus nature. I'm going to transcribe this all later. And then – and so, you know, something – Man versus nature. Yeah, things come up on the show, you know, frequently. Yeah. And just as they do in Shakespeare. Sure.

Absolutely. Faulkner. Mm hmm. Werner Herzog. Or others. Names of writers is a theme I'm noticing. That's true. Saying things in place of a joke.

Just a list of things. So, yeah. Brian edits in jokes later. later no he doesn't uh he doesn't just farts just farts i mean you guys i think that's maybe at some point we considered those jokes then why did i smash that gong with a sledgehammer all those times oh brian jordan if he doesn't edit in jokes later why do i keep bringing up bartleby the scrivener honestly i don't know that's not a joke no it sure isn't um it's just an unusual name for a famous 19th century novel kind of fun to say yeah um it is kind of fun to say and sometimes you know like people will send us things through various online channels letting us know that, you know, life is imitating art.

And I do consider this art. And these channels are myriad, Josh, in our case. Fogdog.com. Fogdog.com. Fogdog.com. Flues. Sure. Those are the big three.

Yeah. So, you know, anywhere you could find us. Yeah. So, you know, anywhere you could find us. And definitely because there has, because Josh, for your purposes, we have a lot of listeners, more than your average podcast, we think, who are involved, who are part of throuples. Yeah. are part of throuples yeah and uh and to a certain extent erotic hypnosis boy okay just we mentioned the tour earlier yeah if the erotic hypnosis people are listening yes and you are near one of our if you're near one of our the places we're performing

and you come to the show I consent to being erotically hypnotized on stage. Get your tickets now. Get them now. Because as Jordan and Jesse's booking agent wrote verbatim in an email, people are sucking their own dicks to get into these shows. Right.

Is that what erotic hypnosis is? I don't know. It just teaches you to suck your own dick? Man, you should remove your own rib. JJGo at MaximumFun.org is our email address. If you are one of the erotic hypnosis people. I consent to being erotically hypnotized.

Anyway, a big news story came down the news pipes. What if it's just a sensual hypnosis? No, it has to be erotic. Okay. Yeah. What about just non-hypnotic erotic suggestions? Oh, like imagine yourself fucking a chicken? Yeah.

Or just like, hey, take your pants off. Come on, do a little dance. Can I tell you what I- I'd like it a lot. It'd make my dick Come on, do a little dance. Can I tell you what I... I'd like it a lot. It'd make my dick hard if you did a little dance. That's how we do it back in Brooklyn, baby. Oh, yeah, pizza pie. I'm walking over here, and you're doing a little fucking dance.

And I'm loving it. Because I'm a horny union guy. Who read a book about persuasion. I'm both a longshoreman and a habitué of certain unusual subreddits. I read the book Lean In because I didn't know it wasn't for me, and now I'm double assertive. Because I didn't know it wasn't for me. And now I'm double assertive. Okay.

So sincerely, my one actual sincere thought about erotic hypnosis is what I immediately imagined was that kind of stage hypnosis where they make someone into a chicken. Yeah. But the person is a chicken and horny. Right. Yeah. That is also most hypnotists. I didn't substitute it for the chicken. I added. Right. Yeah. That is also most hypnotists. I didn't substitute it for the chicken. I added it to the chicken.

Hypnosis involves a chicken. Right. Erotic involves horny. Sure. So. Sorry if anyone's having Easter dinner right now. You aren't listening to this live. The podcast goes on. The cameras are not on.

You're having a late Easter dinner. Via the internet currency website Beans, we've received a number of notices from Jordan Jesse Go listeners regarding employees. Letting us know that throuples don't just exist in the Jordan Jesse Go fan community. They exist in the animal kingdom. And it's not just chickens, Josh. You get to get these animals listening to your podcast. That's true.

Hey, everybody's in 4-H. Who wants to fucking win that shit for once? Play it for your goats. It'll make them angry. If you get your goats into a thruple, do you win 4-H? Yeah. Technically, it's 3G. 3G into 4-H.

Also, the goats have kind of a slow Wi-Fi. They're on an iPhone 4. Right? I don't know. Eat this can out of my ass. That's what a goat says to another goat. Yeah. Anyways, there's a bald eagle throuple.

Along the Mississippi River in southern Illinois lives an unusual family of six bald eagles. Oh, I read about this. Two males and one female are caring for three eaglets with the world watching on a live stream. So you could tune into this kinky shit if you want to. Yeah. Two males, Valor One and Valor Two. And the females. So Republican.

Yeah. He's a Republican throuple. Stolen Valor One and Stolen Valor 2. And the female star have been together since 2017. Yeah. And let's see. It doesn't say anything here about them having a Google document that they share to organize their dating. But they take care of three recently hatched eagle chicks.

Parenting responsibilities are fairly neatly divided. Do you think they're the kind of thruple where everybody fucks together or they take turns fucking well I'm looking at these eagles and yeah they're fucking fucking valor one and valor two yeah sure

when three eagles fuck at the same time a puff of smoke appears and then a Blue Angel show happens. Yeah. So, yeah, we just wanted to acknowledge Valor One, Valor Two, and Star and thank them for their service. And also thank them for their support of Jordan, Jesse, Go. Means a lot to us.

Yes, we appreciate it. And, hey. They're implicit listeners by being in a threble. They're implicit listeners. Yes, we appreciate it. And hey, they're implicit listeners by being in a threeple. They're implicit. Right, yes. You know, I kind of think in my heart, anything with a cloaca is an implicit.

Sure. Birds, frogs, other things I didn't pay attention to in science class. Yeah, here's the forceps. Go to town. Yeah. Anything that's been removed from Jesse's

eyeball is an implicit listener. Now, Jordan, it's been a few weeks since we've had momentous occasions of the standard sort. When something momentous happens to

you, call us, 206-984-4FUN, or email us at jjgoatmaximumfun.org. If you want to just hit that voice memo button on your space phone and send that over the 3G down to jjgoatmaximumfun.org. If you want to just hit that voice memo button on your space phone and send that over the three G down to JJ go at maximum fund.org.

That works too. You're recorded into your coat. Kinky goat. We're the three Billy goats. Gruff kind of a throuple. Yeah, they was fucking and they're like, Hey troll,

come on in. Can I just say this about goats? If you'll eat a tin can, you'll fuck anything. Definitely another goat. That's the first thing you would fuck. Yeah. Let's take a call because I'm starting to lose track of what we're talking about. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and the ever elusive goat.

This is Scott calling from Long Beach, California. of go this is scott calling from long beach california and uh i'm calling because i had my first orgasm with a butt plug in uh just a second ago and uh it was nothing short of earth shattering uh and uh i sort of realized that i'd never really considered ass play a legitimate a legitimate part of my sexuality until i uh sort of heard it talked about on jordan jesse go so after that i uh went and upgraded my membership so i just wanted to say uh thanks for that and uh keep on doing what y'all do love you guys love you too buddy that's a classic one, two, three situation. Way to blast, pal. And yeah, thanks for calling us right at – he did sound like he had an afterglow about him.

Yeah. There was – I laughed, but there's nothing funny about enjoying and being in touch with your body. Absolutely not. There is something funny about – That's why you carry that hand mirror everywhere. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to finally see if I have a vagina. I look once a week just to check.

Maybe it's sneaking up on me. Were you seeing the Inspector Gadget? Inspector Gadget. Yeah, sure. But there is- Yeah, who cares? Why do anything? We have to agree that there's something –

We're all going to die. There's something funny about calling a podcast immediately after you orgasm under any circumstances. Sure, yeah. But I mean he's just following orders. That's how – when we say when the momentous thing happens, we want you to call us right away. Don't fuck around and wait for a thousand years and call us in. Call in the moment if you can. And he was busy in the moment.

But in the immediate aftermath, he had a little time on his hands. It's called a refractory period, Josh. I told you I'm transcribing this later. I kind of resent that our listeners, you know, with their throuples and their butt plugs, have more colorful sex lives than I do. Well, you know, you got that hot tub instead of a kitchen. That's true, but I use that for cooking. I'm not going to jack off in there. You have your sexy correspondence with the cannibal cop. That's true.

It always goes back to him eating me. And I'm like, all right, this guy's got one thing on his mind. Yeah, I'm talking about a one-track mind. I'm always like, how was your weekend? And he's like, oh, I want to eat you. Yeah. I'm like, all right. Any big busts lately?

Because there's two words in your name. Sure. Right, you're not just the cannibal. Yeah. Sounds like, yeah, he's so much known for cannibal, it really overshadows any police work he might have done. Right. They could just call him the cannibal guy. The cannibal guy, right.

Yeah. That's a salient feature to the public. I mean, previously, before the cannibal stuff, he was known as cop. Right. So it kind of felt like everybody knew him as cop. Yep. And so they had to work with what they had.

Yeah. But congratulations to that momentous occasion. Yeah, way to plug it up. It's sort of like when Snoop Dogg became Snoop Lion for his reggae album. It's like you take what you got and you build on it. It's a brand extension. Yes. So people knew him as cop. Now cannibal cop.

Now cannibal cop. Because he likes the taste of human flesh or imagines he would. Yeah people knew him as cop. Now cannibal cop. Now cannibal cop. Because he likes the taste of human flesh or imagines he would. Yeah, he thinks he would. Seems like maybe like a butt plug sponsorship is in our future, huh? I would love... I'm surprised there wasn't one in the past. Yeah, I know, right? I would love... There's this high-end

sex toy manufacturer makes them out of metal. These are amazing products. They're not cheap, but worth every penny. I'd love to get a sponsorship from them, but I'm not going to mention their name. You're not going to say their name. If you're listening, you know who you are. They know who the fuck they are.

In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, there's a sex toy and paraphernalia shop that has one of those signs up in the front that says immigrants and refugees welcome here yeah and it's like that just much must be such a bomb to the horny refugee community i fled i'm without a country and i need to blast which just implies that other places in the city that that the owner of that shop is so good-hearted and generous of spirit that they couldn't abide by the possibility that the owner of that shop is so good-hearted and generous of spirit that they couldn't abide by the possibility that somewhere there's like a racist sex shop owner.

Yeah, that's just like, ugh, come into my country and fucking put my butt plugs in your ass. Watch only. Not on my watch. Yeah, I mean, hey, well, I know where I'm patronizing the next time I'm horny in Brooklyn. Well, that's got to be the title.

I was going to do one of those. And that's the title of Matt, Matt, Matt. But I couldn't think of anything. Horny in Brooklyn. What would that be? Originally the title of HBO's Girls. There you go. That's good.

Direct-to-video sequel of Vampire in Brooklyn? Yes. Yes. These all work. A Brooklyn-video sequel of Vampire in Brooklyn? Yes. Yes. These all work. A Brooklyn-specific reboot of Real Sex. Mm-hmm. Horny and... Hey!

It's the guy from before! We had a guy! We got him. Ah, there was a guy. Touch your nips. I'm just saying. They're very sensitive. Take this ice.

I'm a saying. They're very sensitive. Take this ice. I'm a sex therapist. This one's actually pretty serious. I will help people deal with their traumas. Hey, deal with your trauma for me. Oh, yeah. Let me see the trauma. Splay it out. Splay.

Splay your trauma for me terrifying splay is a word that like i feel like you only apply after the fact you're like oh they splayed they were splayed you don't tell someone to splay splay it you're like what are you gonna cut me in half here's my here's my request hey internet let's stop worrying about people saying moist and start worrying about people saying splay. Can we make splay the new word that people on Salon.com complain about? Brian, play another call so that we can stop talking about this. Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jesse.

Hi, guests. This is Lila calling from Western Massachusetts with a momentous occasion. I had to pick my mom up from the airport in Hartford super-duper late last night, and so I'm driving through a city adjacent to my town that is not known to be the best city to drive through late at night.

But it was relatively deserted, and I didn't see a lot of traffic, and I kind of went the back way, and I'm on Canal Street, which is just a series of red lights. I'm sitting at a red light. Can you pause it, Brian? We know the city is Manhattan. We know where Canal Street is. It's Chinatown. It's interesting that this woman was talking about

going the back way because of her best collar. Anyway. This woman seemed also trepidatious about going the back way. By the way. But, I mean, oftentimes on the first time, you are. Because, you know, you've been told by society that you're not supposed to. Don't buy your metal

sex toys on Canal Street. Don't get the bootleg shit. You can't spell canal without anal. It's me again. I've gone from Brooklyn to Manhattan. That's right. I'm going all five boroughs, baby. Watch out, Long Island.

Hello, Queens. It's not a borough. Some erotic adventures. I'm here to jack off in queens people are gonna be coming in the bronx people are gonna be coming on staten island here i come new canaan we're gonna have jersey city watch the fuck out some people say people say Philadelphia's the sixth borough. They're gonna be jacking off in Philly. Will Philly fans throw batteries at them?

That's the only way you can come in Philadelphia. They call a battery a Philadelphia butt plug. I mean, this is fun. No, it's not. You'd pay 20 bucks to get sucked off by the Philly Fanatic. Oh, yeah.

I spent my late 20s at a throuple with the Philly Fanatic and Gritty who didn't exist yet. I knew him, though. Sure. Before he became a mascot. It's a coincidence. Yeah, before he was a mascot, he worked. Somebody stopped him

at an Orange Julius and was like, you, you've got to look. I'm an agent for mascots. You guys have seen Boogie Nights, right?

It was like that, but for mascots. Oh, sure. Brian, play a call. Play the rest of this call, I guess.

The woman's driving through New Canaan, Connecticut. On Canal Street, which is just a series of red lights. I'm sitting at a red light, and I'm sitting at a red light, and it's not changing. I'm suspecting that it's one that maybe needs more traffic on the other side in order to change. But at this point, I'm considering just running the red light because it is midnight and there's nobody around. And as I'm pondering this option, a cop rolls up in front of me, behind me, and that kind of puts the commotion on that idea. So I sat there some more, and I sat there some more, and then I thought, what are we going to do?

This light is never going to change. And then the cop whipped around me with his blue lights on and made the light change green. And then made all the lights change green. And we just went down this whole street, just green light after green light after green light. And it was truly magical. Bye. Bad news, though. Guess what cop that was.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Run. Run. And definitely don't get in a giant cauldron and kill it with vegetables. That's right. It was kindergarten cop. It's not a tumor.

He was driving. I can't spell canal without anal. He was driving straight to the cauldron district. Oh, no. It's just witches and cannibals as far as the eye can see. It's a pretty bad neighborhood. A lot of open cauldrons, if you know what I mean. Do a little dance for me.

Makes me horny. Maria, you are my wife. Maybe not anymore. Are we divorced? I have that grown child who was by my housekeeper. That was a sad story. But also he did pay for the kid and kept him around. Not he, me.

Same character. I paid for the kid and kept him around. Not he, me. Same character. I paid for the kid and kept him around. So it's weird, but it's not totally sad. This character is like- At least I owned it. It's like the third beat of 300 Harold's being done at the same time. Yeah. It's just every quality.

This is upsetting to- This is an upsetting episode to everyone but the most obnoxious improv asshole. Who's loving it? I'm not an eagle. Of course you aren't. Yeah. I bought this cauldron with flues.

Internet currency. Will the new Terminator be good? I'm just kind of curious about that myself. Linda Hamilton's back. That's cool. And he wants to know

the star of the movie doesn't always know whether the film's going to be good until you see the final cut. Absolutely. I mean, you go out there and you do the best you can.

And it doesn't really... I got to see the dailies and they were impressive but they don't have the digital effects inserted yet. It just looked like I was pointing a gun at like a building. But convincingly, especially when you consider my age. Gondolin Schwarzenegger is pretty good.

Yeah. Yours is easily the best. Thank you. I never know. I can do like a convincing impression for like four syllables and then the wheels really fall off. Yeah, yeah. Schwarzenegger is a good one because you can just kind of make a noise you just go yeah it's very good it's so fun you can tell why every comedian in the 80s god i know there's just it's just wonderful schwarzenegger was uh fucking anywhere who cares you're gonna love it you're gonna go crazy when i say this. I'm outside. He's outside.

HBO special. That's bananas. That's apples. I'm in a grocery store. Give him a second HBO special. Well, great. Let's roll up our sleeves and get down to business. The sleeves of our sport coat, that is.

80s HBO comedians. Hey. Yeah. To our caller, way to go with that. Getting all those green lights or whatever it is you did. Yeah. Yep. Hashtag white privilege.

Oh, sure. Very nervous. I'm glad we didn't hear more about what made the neighborhood undesirable. Oh, yeah. I mean, it was the fucking cauldrons, right? Yeah. Although you don't often hear was the fucking cauldrons right yeah and the the although you don't often hear about a white cauldron it's true white cauldron was the original working title of charmed right there you go there you go condo men condo men condo men we'll be back

in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Hey, we're Ben and Adam, and we're here to tell you about our Star Trek podcast, The Greatest Generation. Why should I listen to a Star Trek podcast? You may be asking yourself. Well, ours is actually good and funny. We joke around. We have a lot of fun. We talk about film production techniques that are used in Star Trek.

We love to break down the stories and the characters and we just have a blast while we're doing it. It's kind of like sitting around with a couple of buds having a beer and talking about an episode of one of your favorite shows. So go to MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts

and subscribe to The Greatest Generation. Yeah, whatever you're using to listen to this, just have it find us and subscribe. Ballparker panel, we have just 30 seconds to prove to MaximumFun listeners that we know what the F we're talking about when it comes to pop culture. All right, you guys, let's go. Famous Chris's. Walk-in. Christofferson. Hemsworth. Karen, what's the most iconic lesbian snack? The wings at Hooters. The answer is

fried green tomatoes. Margaret, what is the Marvel Cinematic Universe missing? My interest. Winter, name someone who will EGOT in your lifetime. Ike Barinholtz. That's beautiful. Top gear or top model? Sadly, I have to say top gear. The clear answer is top chef. But top model taught us about smizing.

Pawpocket. Smart takes on everything. Catch us every Friday on Maximum Fun. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, You know what? Your best is good enough. In fact, your best is one of the best in the goddamn business. Hear that, Steve Agee? You're one of those two. Yeah, you're both the best. And I bet Josh is not a talented photographer.

No. Nor is he a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. No. Those are two of my many shortcomings. There are others. I'd like to see Steve Agee write a joke for Desus and Mero it's probably more like

setting up a scenario for them to do their thing I did write one joke that I am very proud of and it was a thing that had rattled around in my head for two years and I was like what if we put this in a sketch and they did and it's an Italian child kidnapping monster

called the Bada Bing Babad did and it's an Italian child kidnapping monster called the Bada Bing Babadook and it's truly it like exercised it from my head like I don't randomly wake up thinking like Bada Bing Babadook anymore that's the only way to do it sometimes you have to put it on a premium cable

late night talk show gotta put it on after billions and then you're all set. They made a poster. They showed it to Jordan Peele as if it were a movie they wanted him to make. Truly, any time I can write a joke that wastes a genius's time, that's really my goal. Gondelman. He's got a book coming out.

What's the book going to be called? It's called Nice Try, Stories of Best Intentions and Mixed Results. There you go. Let's be honest. Most of these are mixed to positive. This guy's one of the best. It doesn't get any better than Josh Gondelman. Except Steve Agee.

His photography. Who's equally good. They're both great. Comedy album out now. People can get that. They don't got to wait for that book. No way. But they don't got to wait for the comedy album. No, they could shoot it right into their veins.

Any comedy. One thing, Josh. Yeah. I only listen to comedy on vinyl. Oh, well, it's on vinyl. Oh, thank God. Yeah. Wow.

You can get it on vinyl. At your made up sounding record labels website. Planned Medicine. There you go. Every record label sounds made up. That's true. That's very true. Nobody was ever just like, oh, Superdrag.

That sounds like a real business. Oh, what should I call my serious business? Secretly Canadian? Drag City. That's what I meant. Superdrag's a band, right? Yeah. We sucked out the feeling?

Was that them? I think so. Okay. Is that Supergrass? That might be Supergrass. I don't know Supergrass. Sorry. It's a similar band.

Okay. Okay. Anyway. I remember that in college, our friend Jim Rayall, the master of Would You Rather, had a t-shirt that said Supergrass, but he had to explain that it didn't say the S was big and the S was big on either side, and I really thought it said Oopergrass. That's a cool shirt, too. Yeah.

The German concept of grass is better than other grass, inherently. It's like what you want to seed a baseball diamond with. Sure. The grass is always green. It's called Oopergras. Anyway, I'm Austrian, not German. Gotta go. Help me, Maria.

Are we still married? Probably not, given my infidelities. But you never know, people walk through these things. I heard about these two eagles that are parenting with a third eagle. I was a failed politician, but people like my YouTube videos making fun of the

president. I chased a horse around, or I rode a failed politician, but people like my YouTube videos making fun of the president. I chase the horse around. I rode the horse around. Did you see that? He's on TikTok. Riding a little horse. Wow, really? Yeah.

Gotta get on TikTok. Nah. Yeah, probably not. Hey, great job, everybody. Josh? TikTok, by the way, we should explain is the Amazon Studios talk show that follows the day. Oh, that's good. Another great performance from Griffin Newman.

Great job, Josh. Do you have any stand-up comedy dates coming up if people want to see you live? Oh, my gosh. I'm mostly in New York because we're in production for the show, but I have a show in Los Angeles on the 25th, Thursday the 25th at Dynasty Typewriter if this is out by then. It will be. Oh, terrific.

And people should go. I would love for people to come to it. That's right across the street from our studios. Yeah, I drove by it on the way and I went, ah, Thursday. I'll see you then. That's nice that you greet buildings. Only the ones that I'm like acquainted with. Yeah, so you don't just say hi to a Carl's Jr. Chase Bank.

Good day, my bank. Brian, can we name this episode My Bank? M apostrophe bank. Yeah, I believe that's how it's spelled. I think it's gotta be traditional, the old English spelling. If you've got a call for us, 206-9844-FUN. Put in your phone or just email us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org.

Our producer is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Josh Gondelman has been our guest. You can find him online at flooz.com. That's F-L-O-O-Z. I'm a Bitcoin. Oh, okay. Gondelman's a crypto. Crypto comedian Josh Gondelman.

I think audiences have described me as such, like, is this comedy? No one can tell. Specter gadget. How does it apply here? He's trying to figure out who Josh is a comedian. Oh, okay. Well, Penny is, and he's helping. Yeah, he's kind of bumbling his way through.

And that fucking space dog she has. What's that dog doing? You need Inspector Gadget for that. More like an Inspector Dog. What the hell's that dog doing? I know. What's that dog doing? Ironically, Inspector Gadget couldn't get elected dog catcher, Josh.

Much less dog inspector. Much more prestigious position. By the way, do you like my t-shirt that says FDR? You only inspect the female dog. Federal dog inspector. I only inspect the female dog. I thought it was female dog inspector. Oh, yeah. Okay.

MaximumFun.reddit.com. It's too warm in this studio this week. Yeah, too hot. Very warm. Brian Fernandez, our producer. MaximumFun.reddit.com. Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook. At Jesse Thorne.

At Jordan underscore Morris. Josh Gondelman. What are you, Josh G on Facebook. At Jesse Thorne. At Jordan underscore Morris. Josh Gondelman. What are you? Josh Gondelman, right? Yeah. Josh Gondelman on Twitter. Yeah. So that's a great place for great humor.

Sure, you can find great humor, but also periodically a signature pep talk. Everybody loves these pep talks. A lot of good stuff on there. Everybody's talking about them. Josh Gondelman's got a positive attitude. You can probably tell from listening to this program. If you're feeling down in the dumps once in a while, Josh Gondelman's got a positive attitude. You can probably tell from listening to this program. If you're feeling down in the dumps once in a while, Josh Gondelman's at an airport. He's got

20 minutes before his flight boards. He says, go ahead. I'm going to give you some quick pep talk. And people love it. It's probably as good as Pepto-Bismol. They call me the failing man's Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Pepto Bismol. They call me the failing man's Lin-Manuel Miranda. I was going to say you're the rich man's Griffin Newman, but probably about the same. You guys are both doing good. Griffin Newman, great on the tick, as I saw on TikTok. Great on the tick. Every week they talk about Griffin's performance. Two of the best in the business. You're out of here, AG.

Okay, we'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, Go.