Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 582: Girth Life Balance with Nick Adams

Episode Date: April 30, 2019

Nick "Repeat" Adams (Tuca and Bertie, BoJack Horseman) joins Jordan and Jesse for a discussion of Nick and his son's growing Pokémon collecting, Jordan's work mixer at a public community center, and the kid who dabbed as Martin Luther King Jr. at Nick's kid's school. Plus, we get into a three-way audience poll this week!   If you have ridden a three-wheeled motorcycle, owned a replica film weapon, or had direct contact with a creature from the afterlife let us know -- 206-984-4FUN or [e-mail] -- pick one and weigh in!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, what a joy it is to be here doing our smash hit podcast, Jordan, Jesse Goh. And on a Sunday, no less. Jordan, I don't know if I mentioned this to you, but since we last recorded, this show became a smash hit.

What happened? Well, we were bumping along fine. We'd been doing it a long time. Right. And then the show business gods smiled upon us and we became a smash hit. Wow. My life has not changed, but maybe I should brace for it? Did you get the telegram from our agent?

No, I'm sorry I didn't. I haven't been home. She said that we became a smash hit. Oh, the telegram? Yeah. Person? Wow. It said, you've become a smash hit.

Stop. Right. Proceed to docks. Stop. Meet shipment. Hold on. Yeah. Is this the trick to get us down to the docks?

I don't know. Listen, I've seen a lot of movies that have scenes that happen at docks i've never been to one myself uh-huh uh you know don't care for salt air but uh i actually have spent a lot of time at the docks i was a stevedore for a long time oh how was that it was it was well played but the politics were out of control. Yeah, that's such a big popularity contest. Loading and unloading ships. Oh, boy. I know.

And just like, whose dad's going to throw him the biggest birthday party? Exactly. There were some great birthday parties, though. A lot of times they would have two bounce houses. Whoa. Or like those giant bounce houses that connect in between the different bounce houses. Oh, I've never heard of this kind of bounce house. Yeah, all these parties went on down at the docks, so you wouldn't know.

Yeah. It was just a stevedores. You know, I wish I liked Salt Air more than I do. I just hate it. If you were a longshoreman, you would know that's the T-shirt that I bought on Facebook. Right. That's 37-year-old longshoreman named Jesse.

No. That it's wine time. Should we introduce our guest on the program? I would love to. He is a beloved, perhaps the beloved, Jordan Jesse Goh, regular guest. He is a comedy writer for the television program BoJack Horseman.

His name is Nick Adams. Hello, Nick. Repeat back again. You guys are a smash mouth hit. Oh, wow. Oh, I. You guys, it's, you guys are a Smash Mouth hit. Oh, wow. Oh, I thought it felt a little like I was walking on the side. It's a list that is maintained

completely at the discretion of Steve Harwell, lead vocalist of Smash Mouth. Can I say something about Smash Mouth? For now, you guys are in. Yeah. There is some Smash Mouth news that really coincided

with my personal interests. As you guys both know, I'm a fan of the San Francisco Giants. Sure, yeah. And there was apparently Smash Mouth. They're from San Jose. So they were tweeting about the Giants, and they said that Giants general manager Farhan Zaidi did not want to sign Bryce Harper. Farhan Zaidi did not want to sign Bryce Harper, but the owners, the ownership group did want to sign Bryce Harper, superstar outfielder Bryce Harper. Sure, sure.

And apparently this just came out. That was well known that they had tweeted this about, and clarify that he also wanted to sign Bryce Harper. Wow. He had to rebut internally the tweet about Bryce Harper that came from Smash Mouth. The official Smash Mouth account, too. No, I don't know, but I don't follow baseball. Does Smash Mouth just automatically play every All-Star game? Yes, absolutely.

And play Walk It on the Sun? And then leave and everyone's confused? Mm-hmm. No, everybody's into it for a song and a half. Because you're into All Star. Yeah. Fuck you for whatever snark you're about to lay down when I say this. Hey, Nick. Hey, hey.

You're into All Star when you're here. You are. I've seen them live. Nick, I've seen Smash Mouth live recently. It was last year or something. Did I go as a gag? Kind of. But while I was there, and when that-

When All Star kicked in. I loved it. This is a great song. It's just a great song. Yeah. Walking in the sun. Oh, yeah, they had that other song. Halfway through that, you're done.

There were a couple more where I'm like, oh, yeah. This might have come on in a friend's car in high school a lot. But, I mean, those two. Oh, this was on Spencer's Spencer's gifts, I think. Right. Yeah. One of my most vivid memories of high school was like a moment when I realized

that I went to an arts high school more profoundly than at any other moment. It was my childhood best friend, Pete. He was on the football team of a Catholic high school, just like a real regular Catholic high school called Sacred Heart. And I remember that I went to one of his football games and I rode with a girl who went to his school and she was listening to Korn, like a Korn CD. Sure. And I was so confused that people listened to Korn because I had just never experienced that at all. But then like halfway through, I'm like, but wait a minute. They're always number one on TRL.

Everyone likes Korn. I'm the one who's weird. Yeah. It was a very intense experience. And then you started following corn around exactly just to yeah well and i made started making bootleg merchandise which they actually encourage but but i mean people found you out because you spelled it with a c yeah and the people are like this is fake i love like those bands like corn they're

so disaffected and tortured and dark and then you look them up and they're from like Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And they're like, oh, Tampa, Florida zone, corn. You're like, guys, relax. Nick, I want to ask you how you and your son's Pokemon collecting is going. It's been pretty good recently. Wait, hold on. I'm going to need some background on this because I don't know that you and your son have been collecting Pokemons.

My son is uh what's the word um obsessed uncomfortably obsessed with pokemon and then so there's pokemon go on the phone right which was like a big deal when it first came out and then everybody was doing it and then it's sort of like it really had a moment like a huge yeah i feel like people our age were Pokemon going. I think there's people who work in my office who are still Pokemon going. Yeah, I mean, it's still very popular. I think my colleague Chewy, he'll still go out in the park because he's got to catch a particular Pokemon. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that was the thing. It was site-specific Pokemon, and you had to descend on a certain gas station at midnight. I'm not confident that Daniel Baruella here in our office is not collecting Pokemons right now. You know, it's a good reason to go down to the docks. Oh, oh. The docks are teeming with Pokemon.

Oh, yeah. Teeming, guaranteed. Yeah, fresh off the boat. So, basically, I can just... Are Pokemon immigrants? Technically. I guess so. I guess they are all Japanese. The slow boat from Japan delivers a bunch of Rarsors or whatever.

Rarsors. It's going to be an international Flaptorn. It's mash film. Sorry, Flaptorn is a coffee table from Asia. You'd kill to get Ryan Reynolds in here as Pikachu. You'd kill to get Pikachu in this box. God, I'd love it. God, I'd love to have Pikachu in here right now.

Detective Pikachu. Yes, yes. Are you talking, yeah, what title? Admiral Pikachu? No, no, just regular. Do you think the sequel to Detective Pikachu, the sequels could be a series where he takes on a variety of titles? Oh, I was going to say he rises up the ranks of the police department.

Oh, he becomes like Captain Pikachu? Sergeant Pikachu, yeah. He evolves into Raichu, perhaps. Oh, I was going to say he rises up the ranks of the police department. Oh, he becomes like Captain Pikachu? Sergeant Pikachu, yeah. He evolves into Raichu, perhaps. Oh, wow, yeah. That's a good point. I was thinking just different titles, like the next one is

Admiral Pikachu, the one after that is Duke Pikachu. President Pikachu? President Pikachu. I feel a lot better than that guy we got in the White House now,

am I right? Sorry. Sorry. Maybe some subtle commentary? Sorry. I went a lot better than that guy we got in the White House now. Am I right? Sorry. Sorry. Maybe some subtle commentary. Sorry. I went there. Jordan, that was a little too real. Sorry.

Okay. He's talking about drumpf, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. But your son, who is the age that it is appropriate to be into Pokemon? I'm not mean to imply that. 19.

Yeah, 19. He's five, almost six. So he's like, yeah, peak Pokemon. It's like perfect for him. And he knows the names and they all evolve. So like it's basically science. It's like you have to categorize these things. And he like, it's crazy.

It's insane. What's your top Pokemon? Bulbasaur? Our strongest? Bulbasaur of that. What's your top Pokemon? Bulbasaur? Our strongest. Bulbasaur? No, what's your personal favorite Pokemon? My personal favorite. Who does Nick Adams ride for?

For whom does Nick Adams ride? I like Growlithe a lot. Oh, yeah. Tell me a little bit about it. Flareon. Tell me a little bit about Flareon. Flareon is an Eevee evolution. Eevee is like a cat-like Pokemon, and then she can evolve into multiple forms.

She's a girl Pokemon. I think so. Yeah, I think they have gender. I think she's a female. But she evolves to Flareon. She evolves to a bunch of different ones. And you know what? Flareon is actually a doctor.

And you know what? You listening? You didn't think that's what I was going to say because she's a female Pokemon. Check your baggage. Flareons can be doctors. Fuck you. Do you have to be an EV evolution

to be a doctor? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So like my neurologist, Dr. Petrebic, she's an EV evolution? Yes.

She's cat-like, certainly. EVs can do STEM too stem to people i don't know what's what i what i do get to see is like how all the toy shit is on a loop yeah so i didn't like pokemon was after me my son is really into beyblade which was way after me but this stuff was popular with guys in their 20s or maybe 30s. Yeah. And then it just died down for a while, and then they figured out, okay, the toy manufacturers were like, put a goddamn flame on this thing and then give it a name, Ultra Beyblade.

And then they brought it back, you know? So my son will be in a restaurant. Can we make this thing dab? Is there a way to make this thing dab? And then we're back in the game. We do the Carlton. Yeah. Yeah.

My son will see, like, there'll be a waiter who sees that my son has Pokemon. He'll be like, oh, wow, Pokemon. They still the Carlton. Yeah. Yeah. My son will see, like, there'll be a waiter who sees that my son has Pokemon. He'll be like, oh, wow, Pokemon. They still do that. I was into Pokemon when I was younger. I used to like Bulbasaur. And then my son just rattles off 18 Pokemon in a row. And the waiter's like, I'll be right back with your drink.

And now your son is friends with lots of local waiters. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, so I ask because we went to lunch the other day and your son was not with us, but you still had to take out your phone and briefly catch Pokemon. Yeah, I mean, I feel mostly because I'm a good dad. Sure. Yeah. Because I feel like I have to.

Happy Father's Day to you every day. I try to check in wherever I am just to see what Pokemon are in the general vicinity. Were there any Pokemon where we were? Yeah, it was just like lame. We already didn't need them. It was like Pokemon that we already have. Just Fartron. Yeah.

Got enough of him. Not too far off. Yeah. When you consume children's content, you're just like, oh, they thought about that one, right? There's like a name. We're like, oh, it's a pun. It's a play on another animal,

and then there's one where they, yeah, fart run. It's like, they're like, it's almost 6.30. We gotta, we'll be back at it on Monday. Speaking of the world of children's entertainment,

I have been- I've been fucking Steve from Blue's Clues. I've been making love to Steve from Blue's Clues. You don't! We're in a relationship. You are consumed by Steve from Blue's Clues. You don't. We're in a relationship. You are consumed by Steve from Blue's Clues. Right. We're lovers.

You have intertwined with Steve from Blue's Clues. We have become one soul. So I've been like working in kids TV a lot recently. And, you know, I've kind of like thought about like oh i should maybe take this a little more seriously than i do and i should kind of find out about the world of kids tv because it's kind of like it's kind of like comedy adjacent a little bit it's not like you you don't you know at you don't usually see the you know the the usuals that you see at you know other comedy jobs it's its own little group of people.

And so I went to a kids' animation writers mixer not too long ago, and I knew one guy. I was there with one guy who I had worked with on Unikitty, invited me to this mixer. He's a very nice man who I know two things about other than he's a kids' animation lifer, is that his pants are always too short and he likes bird watching. Are you sure he's not a public radio

reporter? Maybe in a former life. Brambles in your hems. Not fun. Oh yeah. No, you're right. Take them up. No brambles. That's true. Maybe he's just concerned about brambles. Watch a mile in his shoes, Jordan.

No, you're right. He could live in underbrush. A lot of scrub. A lot of scrub. By the way, guys, my favorite Pokemon is Brambleham. Bramblesaur. Sure. He evolves to Bramblesaur.

My favorite is Clamdigger. The short pants Pokemon. My favorite is Clam Digger. The short pants Pokemon. And so I was a little bit nervous going to this mixer because I only knew the one guy. Hemblarg? Yes. Also, you're an adult and you're going to a mixer.

Yeah. So you were nervous. Sure. Yes, exactly. And I had brought mixers but no liquor. So I was just carrying huge jugs of ginger ale. Where was the mixers? No turntable. Santa Monica Pier?

Yeah, oh boy. You know how much I hate salt. Those things are always super convenient. You know how much I hate salt air. It was in some sort of, not a VFW hall, but some sort of community shared space. Oh, wow. Yeah. That is amazing.

That is way better than I expected. I just thought you were going to say a bar. No, wow. Yeah. That is amazing. That is way better than I expected. I just thought you were going to say a bar. No, not a bar. Maybe a bar with video games. That's not weird enough. So I parked. An Eagles Hall or something? It was something like that.

Veterans of domestic wars. I'm like, I think whatever goes on in this space some of it is prayer some there's some prayer so i see the the guy that i know on like i parked and he's he's parking as well i'm like great the one the guy i know is here i can walk in with him i can get some hands i can hold hands i can softly kiss him behind the ear He'll watch out for me if there's any bullies. Yeah. Boy, tell them to keep their hands to themselves. Yeah.

And so, you know, I know about this guy. Pants too short. Loves bird watching. Right. And I'm like, hey, man, how's it going? And he's like, great. This weekend I went to a kite festival. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, it is. It was totally awesome. And he told me about the kite festival. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, it is. It was totally awesome. And he told me about the kite festival in Santa Barbara. It sounded fun as shit. Yeah, man. You don't have to tell me twice about kite festival. I'm sold the second you say kite. And again, I think what I'm trying to do here is to kind of paint a picture or kind of to illustrate the differences between comedy writer and kids TV comedy writer.

I mean, I think I do not – usually if you ask a comedy writer what they did this weekend, it is not – Drake alone. Drake, sure. Drake alone. Got mad about Tinder. Yeah. Have some sort of problem with Tinder. But yeah, this guy was fucking going to a kite

festival already better can i say can i ask you a question about kite festivals i know that some kites do tricks yes that's all that's cool as shit it's fucking amazing i know i did not ask him if they were trick kites yeah you don't you don't generally follow up with a kite festival. Yeah. I was thinking you don't really. It occurred to me. I did want to know more about it. He mainly talked about how it was in Santa Barbara and what the weather was like. But yeah. What, mild?

Yes. Well. Maybe a breeze. Maybe an ocean breeze. Which, you know, maybe is not what you want for a kite festival, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes you want a calm air. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, it depends on what you're trying to do with a kite. That's true. If I've got a kite up there, I'm looking for lightning bolts because I am discovering electricity, my friend. Oh, wow. Yeah. Check out John Adams over here. Is that the right fountain, Bobby? You know, all those guys.

All the wigs. One of the wig guys. Yeah. One of those wiggies. At what point, okay, because I have children, I think about stuff like this, right? You have to learn U.S. history. Yep. And then as you get older, as more generations, there's more history to learn.

At what point do we stop expecting kids to know who the fuck john john adams and benjamin franklin are right like at what point is that not embarrassing or like do you like i don't give a shit like i'm wondering if the window just rolls forward like you're only responsible for 200 years of u.s history you still keep some of the old stuff but like just like if you're if you're our age our general age like you know hey i got the 80s and maybe the 70s and 60s. As you get older, it gets a little fuzzier. Somebody's just like, we got to make room for mourning in America. John Q. Adams we could lose.

Do you want your son to know who Kanye is or John Quincy Adams? Honest question. Got to go Yeezy. You have to. That's true. You have to. That's true. You have to. So I'm sorry. Jefferson stays.

Washington stays. Benjamin Franklin, just because he's such a renaissance man, stays. All those other guys, I don't give a shit if my kids don't remember. If John Quincy Adams had, when he got famous, signed Consequence, the extra guy from A Tribe Called Quest, then I would be saying John Quincy Adams. But the obvious, only one of those two guys put Consequence on a second

time for no reason. If Stacey Dash's last sane act was a John Quincy Adams video, he would forever have a place in my heart. Kids need to know why they're waiting in line for sneakers. Yes! He started all this bullshit. You used to be able to just go to the store

and buy a tennis shoe. And now you have to pre-order. And you have to get a text message. And you have to get a ticket. And you have to spend the night in a folding chair. All for hideous, hideous sneakers. And be in my way when I'm trying to go to Cantor's. Don't throw your trash away.

That's a part of the mystique. Leave your trash in the sidewalk. Leave the leader bottle of Mountain Dew that you are drinking out of. Jordan, I don't know if you've seen. We're doing mid-city stuff, you east side hipster. Yeah. Benjamin Franklin ex-Adidas consortium. Oh, the binges?

But those are pretty hot. The binges? You got the binges? Call me when you've got some hundreds material. I don't know what that is. What's different about this sneaker? Shut up and get in line. What are both of your kids currently learning in school?

What subjects? We had a few weeks ago the U.S. history pageant, American history pageant. Oh, that sounds dope. And it was a full- on kids dressing up as slaves. Kids wearing inappropriate native attire. Uh, I was like, holy shit.

Like people were in like full on like Hiawatha. Yeah. Yeah. There was like single feather headdress. Yeah. It was that, that whole thing. Rosa Parks.

Hey, Nick's kids school. Are you listening to this? You're canceled. You're canceled. Nick's Kids School. My daughter was like narrator four, so I was like, she doesn't have to wear anything ridiculous. Right. And then the kid that was Martin Luther King Jr., I was like, I sat down and I tweeted about this.

I saw the program and I was like, my Sean is playing MLK. Holy shit. Like, he is the biggest cut up you've ever seen in your life. Like he can't. Fucking my Sean. This is going to be amazing. Fucking my Sean Jordan. Just, just a picture.

Yeah. The biggest cut up you've ever seen in your life. Okay. Now having put on those Martin Luther King glasses and a little narrow, narrow lapel suit with a little black tie. Picture the funny kid in like a Tracy Morgan, Kevin Hart movie. Okay. Who's like his hilarious son.

Right. That's fucking my shot. Wow. And they like gave this kid the most important role. How'd he do? He murdered it. He absolutely murdered it. Like he dabbed at the end of it.

Ironically. Did he dab? He was off the chain. Great. Bananas. Unfortunately, the sad part is the thing that he murdered was his murder, which was a historical reality. They just had to deal with it. There's no way to get around.

My school did a full-scale Lorraine Motel reenactment of the assassination. That's what he did with his last gasp was dab. Yeah. Hit the dab. Yeah. Ah! It's like, Reverend Jackson, I just want to say. Dab. That's what my kids are in school. It's terrifying. So to finish the story of the animation mixer.

So I'm feeling pretty good going into this VFW hall or whatever. And it was a, so someone was giving a talk. Someone was giving a talk about their career in animation. And then. That's what you want in a mixer. Yeah, to sit quietly and listen. It was entitled Animation, colon, actually a series of still drawings. Oh, interesting.

And so, you know, there was like a, there was a, you know, for the mixer part after the thing was done, there was, you know, kind of a, everybody brought a little something. It was kind of a potluck, and so there were just drinks and snacks. I immediately went to Share Day. Like, some people chose their lovey to bring,

some people chose the latest toy they got. Right, oh yeah, sure, a picture of their grandpa in his army uniform. Sure, yeah. Do. A picture of their grandpa in his army uniform. Sure, yeah. Do they still do Share Day in cloud? Oh, yeah. Big time. Share Day is very big.

What do your kids share? Just one of their stuffies. Okay, stuffies. Almost invariably one of their stuffies. Beyblade. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And these are like Pokemon but spinning tops.

Not even as interesting as that. Just spinning tops. Okay. And they give them names. It's like, it's a blue spinning tops. Not even as interesting as that. Just spinning tops. And they give them names. It's like, it's a blue spinning top. No, that's Flareon. Oh, fuck off. Yeah. Flareon can go fuck himself. I want to paint an accurate picture

of the mixer. Along with all the lady Pokemons who should not be doctors, in my opinion. Oh, I clapped too soon. Take back my claps. I think they should be doctors. I think should not be doctors, in my opinion. Oh, wait. I clapped too soon. Take back my claps. I think they should be doctors. I think they should be doctors. I think they should peak.

I would prefer a female Pokemon doctor. I think they should top out a dental hygienist. Oh, boy. That's my opinion. Poke. Those female Pokemons. Poke persons. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Jesse, you're canceled. Oh, no. Gendered, non-binary. Yeah. And I don't want to mischaracterize the mixer part of this. I don't want to say that everyone was drinking a juice box.

But I do want you to know that some people were drinking juice boxes. There were several adults. Were they just standard, like an apple juice box, or were they that kind that's half juice, half water to reduce your sugar intake? What about a wine in a box? I checked, because that was my first- What about a CBD-infused beverage in a box? I think these were Juicy Juices.

Straight up juice. I think this was Juicy Juice brand. What about a liquid THC in a box? I mean, it could have been worse. They could have been all drinking Squeeze-Its. Oh, yeah, sure. Which we learned last week were not made by the Kool-Aid Corporation. Are those the little

plastic ones? Yeah. Minis? No, no. It's the size of a small Coke bottle. It's made of plastic, slightly opaque plastic, and it has a twist off top. You squeeze it through the hole into your mouth. So, yeah. So yeah, so mixture was

great. Learned about a kite festival. Juice boxes. Hung around with people who were drinking juice boxes. And this kind of, it coincided nicely because I started a new job in kids animation. It is a property so I actually can't say what it is yet.

But let's just say a certain spinning top might be coming to life uh it's benji by the way benji benji yes uh but my littlest hobo so i had to go in for my benjamin oh i thought you're talking about the dog i was then i switched to the canadian version of benji which was called the Littlest Hobo. Oh, interesting. It was a dog that went from town to town solving mysteries. Huh. Did he have a little beard? Yeah, I think so.

Cool. A little bandana. That's great. And my orientation included a earnest slide on Nerf gun safety. What? Yeah, no, I think that inter-office nerf gun fights are so common and it seems like they had a problem with injuries so my hr person had to like address it with me like had to go over nerf gun like a very serious hr professional after we had talked about you know sexual harassment

uh you know the parent company. Did they talk about the dangers of going down to the docks and getting involved in those double bounce houses where the two bounce houses are connected by a platform? Actually, they told me that I could go in the Dora bounce house, but not the Spider-Man bounce house because that's for big kids. Got it. What was the Nerf? I think that just Nerf gun battles and someone had like made a slide for this that was the most amazing part of it because like there's a slide for you know social media behavior you know don't you know don't post anything that you know you

would need an nda to look at you know don't post works in progress, things like that. So that had a very earnest slide. And then it was just like, and then this very dry, you know, woman who is an HR professional with like a Dilbert calendar just had to explain Nerf gun safety to me. Wow. Because I guess there had been so many like eye injuries. What did your friend Jonathan Franzen have to say about it? I don't know. Oh boy, I've read the corrections.

I don't know enough about Jonathan. The guy who brought you there. The guy who brought you there. Is it Michael Chabon who's really into birding? Or Jonathan Franzen? Oh, I see. You're being... Yeah, sure, you're being insulting to the world of children's programming by comparing them to actual writers. Yeah, I get that. No, my bird

watching friend was not there. I was trying to be insulting to the world of birdwatching. Oh, okay. Take that, birdwatchers. No, he actually works for another company. It was different. So he didn't. But I'll have to see if he's ever had a Nerf gun related injury.

I mean, did you get issued a Nerf gun? No, I didn't. Here's the thing. You got to bring it from home. So I'm at a disadvantage. I guess I got to buy a fucking Nerf gun unless I want to get destroyed. You want to get Nerfed? I don't want to get Nerfed. I got to buy a fucking Nerf gun unless I want to get destroyed. You want to get Nerfed?

I don't want to get Nerfed. You got to be able to Nerf back. Are you going to get one with a big, I mean, they must have some crazy ass Nerf guns. It seems like it. I've seen some under people's desk and it's like the Gatling variety. Like something you have to have, like, you shove a clip into. You know what you should do? Nerf gun technology. Take it to the next level, Jordan.

Here's the shit. Fucking super soaker. Get the super soaker that needs batteries. Just ruin everybody's laptop. Yeah. Yeah, really fuck up people's phones. You always think with this stuff that once you're done with it, they stop doing it too. And then you're like, oh, they've just continued to improve Nerf technology.

R&D at Nerf is just checking along, doing their thing. You have Nerf gauntlets now that you can slip over your hands and fucking Wolverine people with your Nerfs. Bury a Nerf under the carpet and then someone steps on it and this Nerf flies up into their jugular. Yeah. That's really dangerous because there are some leftover Nerf mines from the Vietnam War that continue to be active. There's still a lot on the Sony lot from shows going. Do your kids Nerf? Do your kids?

My kids are not allowed to play with weapons. So they do not do any weapon stuff. And we have done pretty good, although I did notice that today my son Oscar and Elliot Kalin's son Sammy did use hobby horses to get involved in a sword fight briefly. Gotcha. But you shut it down. I said, let's only get into sword fights the traditional way, both of us standing over the same toilet bowl. Right, so you're at the big trough urinal at the baseball game.

You earn a sword fight by having a huge, mature, erect penis. Well, if you can urinate while you're erect, then... Oh, you're having a penis-on-penis sword fight. Holy cow. Oh, wow. Dude, none of this pansy sword fight. Oh, wow. With your urine.

With your soft, yellow urine. That's truly extraordinary. Bang your erect dicks together. Back in my day. Yeah. Bing, bang, bong. Try to tap them on the balls with the head of your penis. Okay.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Fuck Fairbanks. Fairbanks is right up there. But ever since he lost his ability to talk and he can't mumble anymore. Oh, yeah, that came up. That happened a week or two ago. I think it did on this show. Should we just go back to back so I can get some distance between me and that guy? Like, we could just bank a couple right now. Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, you want to record eight episodes? We'll space them out. I'll just do some evergreens. You know what? Yeah, we'll do, like, one every eight months, nine months. Better idea. Why don't you just poison him? Yeah, I should just kill him.

Sure. Okay. If you're listening, don't use this as evidence. Chris Fairbanks ends up poisoned. This had nothing to do with it. This is like asking a prostitute if they're a cop. If we say you can't use it as evidence, legally you cannot use it as evidence.

You cannot use it as evidence. Con, Chris Fairbanks has to die. Pro, seven years from now we get a great Netflix documentary out of this 7, 8 years maybe a lot of slow pans across family photos and then I have to pretend to be interested in it when someone's describing it to me I'm gonna watch it

that sounds wow don't spoil it because I will definitely watch this. I'm glad I'm having a conversation. Jordan, this week's Jordan and Jesse Go, like all Jordan and Jesse Go, is brought to you by all of the Maximum Fund members who have gone to MaximumFund.org slash donate to support the program and other shows on the Maximum Fund Network. Our thanks go to them. We're also brought to you this week by our friends at Zip Recruiter. You know, the folks at Zip Recruiter week by our friends at ZipRecruiter. You know, the folks ZipRecruiter, who's pronounced

ZipRecruiter. By the way, it's a service that sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. They use powerful matching technology to find you the right candidate for your job. And here's something I've been feeling bad about. Okay. I think something

that has been very popular with our sponsors has been the probably not legal parody of 80s songs where we slip our sponsor's name into a popular 80s song. When we sing the famous Zip Recruiter song, when a zip comes along, you must crude it. That's a different one.

Different company. I thought we needed to, what do you think about this? Because they've been sponsoring our show for a while. We come from a Zip Recruiter. We already have a minute work. I'm sorry. I don't mean to shoot down all your ideas. I just wanted to present one. The Zip Recruiters come out at

night. Oh boy. I was going to say one. The Zip Recruiters come out at night. Oh, boy. I was going to say zip on me, but let's do that. Okay. Zip Recruiters come out at night. Zip Recruiters come out at night. What I like about Zips is they're really great lovers. You got to commit.

I need two and a half more minutes of that. Hey, here's what this service does. If you need to fill a position at your place of work, you go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. They send your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards. They don't stop there. They use powerful matching technology to scan thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply for your job. Yeah.

Right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. How's that song go? ZipRecruiter come out at night.? Zip recruiter come out at night. Zip recruiter come out at night. Ha, ha, ha.

Great. They're going to sell a million. Hey, Jordan. Yes. You know, we record our program here in the MacArthur Park, Westlake neighborhood of Los Angeles. Very proud of it. Love our neighborhood. of Los Angeles. Very proud of it. Love our neighborhood. In the last couple of years,

there has been a big uptick here in folks who live here and do not have homes. Folks who live outdoors, live rough here in the Westlake area. And we are really grateful. We have these neighbors called Art Division just down the block. They are a program that teaches visual art skills to disadvantaged teens. They are doing their second annual sock drive for folks who don't have homes who live in our neighborhood. And we at MaxFun are for the second year contributing. So MaxFun has donated over 125 pairs of socks to the sock drive. My mom is going to send some socks for the second year in a row. And if you want to participate, we will gather them up here at the office and bring them over to those cool teens.

All you got to do is send them directly to us. You can find our address and all the information, including a couple of good sock links, at MaximumFun.org slash socks. MaximumFun.org slash socks. You can just, you know just go on Amazon or whatever, buy six pairs of socks. They're cheap. Send them to our office.

We're going to put together a big box, and then those cool teens over at Art Division are going to pass them out. We're very grateful to them for doing this awesome thing for our neighborhood, and we're really grateful to everybody who can send a few socks. Hey, and speaking of really grateful to everybody who can send a few socks.

Hey, and speaking of things that are cool, we're going on tour. Oh, yeah. The Summer Boys of Summer Tour is coming to your town starting June 12th if you live in one of eight towns. Yeah. They probably do. You probably do. You live near enough to one of these towns that you can make it out.

You got roller skates, don't you? Listen, pop on your skates, skate onto the freeway. I mean, you're going to want to wear inlines on the freeway. Yeah, that's probably safer. But hey, we're coming to- Unless you're doing like a disco thing. Starting June 12th, we're coming to Minneapolis, Minnesota, Chicago, Illinois, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Brooklyn, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Washington, D.C., and Austin, Texas.

Maximumfun.org slash summerboysofsummer to get tickets. It's going to be a lot of fun, I think. I know that I'm going to be making my premier DJ performance in Chicago. I'm pretty excited about that. After the show, I'm going to stick around. We hope you guys will stick around with us. I went on a popular e-commerce website

and purchased a special box that carries 45 RPM records so that I can bring 45s to play for everybody in Chicago. This is going to be a great tour. It's going to be so much fun. We've got a lot of great guests. We've got the guys from Riff Trax. We've got Courtney Enloe. We have Ted Leo coming out to two of the two of the dates uh the hilarious lamont price

glenn weldon from pop culture happy hour griffin and rachel mcelroy are coming with us in austin it's gonna be fun yeah i would come out to it if i were you i'm pretty pumped about it and if you're a jordan jesse go listener you live within a couple hours drive of one of those places and you're not coming, well. Hope your skates break. Yeah. You're going to need some new skates, buddy. I hope your skates get out of line. Right.

They're in line now, but just wait until you miss the show. Wait, let me change it. Let me change it. Yeah, change it. Your skates might be in line, but you're out of line. Nice. That's a little cleaner. Maximumfun.org slash summerboys of summer. That's kind of more the energy you guys

probably should have brought to the Zip Recruiters, but that kind of... You're right. That kind of belligerence. No, you know what I mean? Threatening our fans. Punchy, you know what I mean? We like to warm up with the paid ad and really kind of just get the ya-ya's out, loosen up, and then we like to get professional. What I like about the crew is it's a really good lover.

That's right. What happened to rhythmic laughing? That was such a key part of rap music in the early to mid-1980s. You never hear these mumble rappers on their trap beats giving a great ha-ha-ha-ha. Nobody laughs when they're on the molly. She's getting face tattoos when they should be laughing, the one, two, three, and four. Too busy vaping. Yep.

We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jessico. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Busy vaping. Yep. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. It's Jordan, Jessica. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams. Okay, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Nick, repeat Adams. Okay, here's the deal.

We've been finding out a lot about our audience. We sure have. We learned how many of our audience members have and wear fezzes. Oh, I thought you were talking about the nudes they sent us. Yeah, we've been finding out about their hidden birthmarks. Right. Ill-conceived college tattoos. You don't hear a lot about the distasteful nudes. That's what I feel like you guys are probably getting.

Everyone talks about the tasteful nudes. Yeah, because the only thing they're wearing is white after Labor Day. Just really gauche. I was going to say they're taking naked pictures at a screening of Transformers 3. That's good, too. No, white after Labor Day is better.

These are all great examples. They're using their dinner fork to eat salad? Right. Oh, how about this? Instead of using their salad fork, they're using their erect penis. You guys want to go to lunch? It's the real Klobuchar over here. How do you think the hogs are out there in Jordan, Jesse, go listener land?

Thick. How do you think those puppies are? Ooh, they gotta be thick. Short, butt, thick. Aick. How do you think those puppies are? Ooh, they gotta be thick. Short, butt, thick. A girthy bunch, you think? Oh, they're a girthy bunch. Ladies out there are probably keeping it tight. I should hope so.

I think Jordan Jesse Go. Not too tight for the girth, though. You can't. Yeah, that's true. You gotta balance it. You have to balance. But everybody should be doing kegels. You need a good girth life balance.

Girth kind of sounds like work, I guess. We've been learning a lot about our audience, all the different qualities of our audience, and so on and so forth. I've become kind of obsessed lately with three-wheel motorcycles. I thought you were going to say Beyblade.

Yeah, well, I'm certainly into Beyblade, but I'm more into the Fire one. Yeah. What's that? Ultra? Max? CrystalX. CrystalX. I hate Beyblade.

CrystalX is actually just what I do when I go to the EDM tent at Coachella. I was going to say it's my favorite SoundCloud rapper. Okay. Yeah. That's better. Here's what I'm thinking about is three-wheel motorcycles and motorcycle sidecars. Yes. So I want to ask our audience, and I don't know if you guys have things that you want to ask our audience.

Yeah, I've got a couple. And I maybe even wanted to like maybe just because Nick is, you know, as much a part of this show as anyone who is not a host. He's certainly more a part of it than Brian. Like significantly more so than Chris Fairbanks. Sure, yeah. Especially since Fairbanks fell ill. Yeah. Right.

From natural causes. Right. Like a lot of people in the LA comedy community for like weeks now have been talking about how he doesn't look well like he might die at any minute

right people have been saying that and if he died it certainly would not be poisoning no no like they wouldn't even look into it

I won't be there when he dies like I'll be somewhere else so they won't you know yeah no reason to look into it anyway the whole thing is like if you just put

a little lead into his breakfast slowly yeah yeah you don't want to just or if you get that Russian isotope and you just put a little lead into his breakfast each day. You don't want to just... Or if you get that Russian isotope and you just blow it in his face. Like so many Rip Taylor

confettis. Is that what Rip Taylor was doing? Poisoning people? Yeah. Wow. In the last election cycle, that's what the Russian factor was doing. In the way that it's botulism. When you get Botox, that's botulism. But it's like the Russians had him doing. In the way that it's botulism. When you get Botox, that's botulism.

But it's like a little bit of it. Not enough to kill you. Just the soup sauce of botulism. Gotta keep it tight. But not too tight. You gotta watch out for that girth. So you've been seeing a lot of three-wheeled... Oh, I was just gonna say, I would maybe want to invite

Nick to play this round if he wants to. Maybe we can have a... Because we have not had of three-wheeled. Oh, I was just going to say I would maybe want to invite Nick to play this round if he wants to. Maybe we can have a three-way. Because we have not had a three-way battle yet. And I think that's maybe. Those are called sword fights. So I just want to know, number one. Tell me what your fascination with the three-wheeled motorcycle is. I just want to know who it's for.

Because it has. Do you mean the actual crazy rough riders through a real motorcycle? So there's two... So the rough riders are mostly riding ATVs. Right. I think. I think that's a Philly thing.

But there is another thing. In the training montage from Creed. There's another thing. I can't remember what it's called. You see ads for it late at night sometimes. I'm talking about the thing that is a full motorcycle, like one of those Honda Gold Wings, those big comfort motorcycles. But instead of two wheels, it has three wheels. That's what I'm talking about.

And there's also a kind where there's two wheels in the front, a little narrower, and one in the back. Yes. And it turns that way. That one also counts. Yeah. Okay. little narrower and one in the back. Yes.

And it turns that way. That one also counts. Yeah. Okay. And subset of that, and I do hope you'll clarify which one of these applies to you. I'm also interested in people who have ridden in a motorcycle sidecar. And no chimpanzees, please. Sure. Okay?

Because number one, we're not going to be able to tell what you're saying when you call in. Right. We don't understand sign language. Yeah. And, well, that's gorillas, Jordan, primarily. Hey, I guess I'm canceled. Yeah.

I'm canceling myself for confusing gorillas and chimpanzees. Bad animal Jordan. Yeah, right? Mm-hmm. Got all ball over here. Yeah. That's what they call me because my penis is so girthy. Oh, okay.

I can't see you. I thought it was because you got run over by a car. All of that. Okay. There's a lot of reasons they call me all ball, okay? Nick, when you go back to show business tomorrow, will you let them know that if they need anyone to make jokes about Coco the gorilla who speaks sign language, we're the only game in town?

Who's not a chimpanzee. sign language. We're the only game in town. Who's not a chimpanzee. Like if there's a reboot of that Coco that episode where Mr. Rogers went to see Coco the Gorilla and met Coco the Gorilla but this time it's a comedy. Where are the

guys you want to get to write that? Or maybe there's like a Congo reboot. Oh yeah. I think that would maybe be the best use of our skills would be a Congo reboot. Like a comedy Yeah, like a funnier more irreverent Kongo. Yeah, sure. Too much reverence

in Kongo. With like a wisecracking albino gorilla. And maybe he kind of knows he's in a movie. Yeah, he's a little self aware. It's a little Deadpool, a little Kongo meets Deadpool. When I was watching that Kangaroo Jack. When I was watching that. Kangaroo Jack. When I was watching that original Congo.

Yeah, it's Congo meets Kangaroo Jack. When I was watching that original Congo, I was so mad about all the reverence. I was like, what is this, a fucking movie or a cathedral? Thank you. I believe Tim Curry's in that movie. Tim Curry is in that movie, yeah. Tim Curry's in Congo? I believe he is, yeah.

What does he play? Probably a gorilla, right? He's like a jungle guy. He's like a guy who knows all about jungle. He's the guy in the movie who doesn't have a gun and is like a lot of like, I'm not wearing the right shoes for this and getting hit in the head with branches. He's like that guy. Shouldn't have worn the spike heels.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. We're all going to die. I'm missing tea time. Shouldn't have worn the spike heels. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! We're all gonna die! I'm missing tea time! Wait a minute. Is this Tim Curry in Congo, or is this you being the Moomins again? Yes, right. Yeah, Tim Curry in Congo is very similar to my impression of every boring European children's book. Very similar. I was a big Crichton head as a kid. Me too.

So I was excited about Congo. I was excited about Sphere. Oh boy. You were excited about Sphere? Yeah.

I had all them shits. I had my mom rent me the boring 70s Andromeda strain. Man. Wow. Sphere is a bad movie. Yeah.

Sphere is very bad. Yeah. But it's got those little jellies. Those little jellyfish that suck onto you. Anyway. I remember enjoying that part.

Well, you just wanted a jellyfish sucking on you. I kind of do, honestly. You couldn't handle the girth, though. I mean, I think Sphere came along in a time where I was finding out a lot about myself. Right. And so the sucking pink jellyfish really imprinted on my sexuality. And that's how you became a jellymon. True, yes.

That's what we call ourselves in the jellyfish sexual community. Jellymon go. Jellymons. Jelly me bananas, we say. Come Mr. Jellymon. It's no less weird than furries. Yeah. 100%.

It's the same. I hope people accept me. A jellymon. A jellymon. yeah 100% it's the same I hope people accept me a jelly bond a jelly bond if I've insulted anyone in the furry community who cares what are you gonna do hug Nick they're just out there making friends

having fun and making friends that's how I show the furry community that I love them by including them that's how we show the furry community that I love them is like I break the balls. By including them. By including them. That's how we do in the comedy world. Gentle ribbing. Gentle ribbing.

This is like a Friars Club rest. Which, by the way, I always make sure that my jellies, that I'm wearing a gentle ribbing before I let them suck on me. For their pleasure. For their pleasure. Right. You got to take the jelly's pleasure into account. Sure. They're not just machines.

It's not just about you getting off. Yeah. It's about getting the jelly off. They're semi-autonomous creatures. That's true. That's true. Okay. So I want to know how many Jordan Jesse Go listeners have ridden in a sidecar or driven a three-wheel motorcycle.

What about these things makes you think that we'll have an inordinate amount of them in our listenership? I just want to know who does and why. Okay. They'll be overrepresented in our listenership outside of the fact that maybe a certain strain of irreverence runs through our audience. Sure, yeah. You know, people like to stand out, keep Austin weird and so forth. Yeah. I mean, I think if I was to guess about the three-wheeled motorcycle, I think it's someone who wants to feel the wind in their hair but is a coward but doesn't want the part of a motorcycle where you die. That feels like our audience except for the wanting to feel the wind in their hair part.

Sure, yeah. I mean, I know that doesn't relate. I can't relate to that part. Wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth. You want the whole experience. Yeah, the wild hogs of it all. You just want to get out there in wild hogs, but you don't want to die.

A lot of our audience members probably saw Torque, got pumped. Torque Biker Boys. You need a special license to ride a two-wheel motorcycle. I believe that may be of summer of 2002. The Torque Biker Boys combo, I think, came back to back.

Oh, that was like the Meteor movies or the Ant movies. Yes, exactly. The movie twins. So what do you got, Jordan? A lot of Bigfoot movies coming out these days. A lot of Bigfoot movies. I'm thinking that there are four Jordan Jesse Go listeners who have driven a three-wheel motorcycle.

And then I think there's like 20 Jordan Jesse Go listeners who've ridden in a sidecar. Ridden in a sidecar. That's what I think. Boy. Oh, boy. Well, I was going for, listen, I have something in mind, but I was going for pure volume.

Of course you were. Yeah. What's yours, Pert Plus? Right, exactly. It's a leave-in conditioner. Got it. How many of you out there use a leave-in conditioner? I've started using a leave-in conditioner, and I think that my hair looks pretty good. Mm-hmm leave-in conditioner. Got it. How many of you out there use a leave-in conditioner? I've started using a leave-in conditioner.

I think that my hair looks pretty good. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I want to know how many out there- Do you think it's possible that there's peroxide in your leave-in conditioner and that's what's going on with your hair? And that's why my hair is getting more blonde? Yeah. No, I started using the leave-in conditioner after my hair turned blonde.

Okay. Because I thought maybe I was- the thing that was turning my hair blonde was maybe damaging the hair as well. It almost certainly is. Yeah. I just thought maybe- The chlorine in the water. I would balance it out with a nice leave-in conditioner.

Right. God, what a boring podcast. Why would you listen to this? Yeah. Fucking talking about his leave-in conditioner. If you get back to the part where we're singing The Freaks Come Out at Night

with our sponsors. Yeah. That's why people do it. The real meat of the program. That's what people do. The real meat of the program. That's what people want. Describe Beyblade more. I want to know how many listeners out there have a replica weapon from a movie. Okay.

Specific to a movie? Yes. So like the ranger sword from Lord of the Rings, a Harry Potter wand, or like a predator gauntlet. Okay. Something like that. But no Game of Thrones weapons. That's a TV show. No TV shows.

Feature films only. Feature films. Released in the theater. Yes. But wait. What about laser guns? Because I bet a lot of our listeners have laser guns from Star Trek and Star Wars. I think that counts.

That counts? Yeah. Oh, boy. Also, no, they might have blasters or phasers. Thank you. Laser guns? Yeah. Sorry if I don't think that laser guns should be doctors.

Okay? I just don't think it's not what God intended. It's not what god intended when he made the united states of america jordan that's true um yeah so i want to know how many of our listeners have a like replica weapon i think these are mostly things you see for kind of display this is something to put over the mantle blade weapons oh i don't think we i think laser guns if you're including laser guns. Yeah.

I mean, there's probably people, there's probably more people who have replica laser guns from Babylon 5 than there are people who've ridden in a motorcycle sidecar. Yeah. Well, I see, this is interesting because my thought is that it'll be so overrepresented in terms of sword. Uh-huh. I would think that sword would be the main. Like, I do think bladed weapon is kind of making up the bulk of this.

It's a different, I think you have to put film, weapon, and just sword separate. Because, like, once you say sword. So just how many listeners have swords? I think that's where the meat of it is going to be. But not just general swords. Like, you can't just have a Renaissance fair sword the meat of is going to be. But not just general swords. You can't just have a renaissance fair sword. No, it has to be a replica of a sword. It's got to be the real

sword that Bilbo Baggins wore in the movie Star Trek. No generic swords. And I would like to move to include Harry Potter wands because they have an offensive... Fuck you! They have offensive capabilities. No, fuck this you fuck you they have offensive capabilities no fuck this yeah they got offensive capabilities i'm offended that i fell into your bullshit trap everybody's

got a fucking harry potter wand yeah you take your sword and i'll take a harry potter wand i got three fucking harry potter wands in my house i've never even read fucking harry potter do you have the crazy expensive ones from Universal? Yeah, my fucking kids bought them. I don't even know. It comes in a special presentation box. I wasn't even a participant in the decision. You gotta go to the thing and do the ad goes. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. We got him to

agree to just go to Universal instead of having a birthday party. Wants to have offensive capabilities. Andrew Dice Clay has offensive capabilities. If you got Andrew Dice Clay living in capabilities. If you've got Andrew Dice Clay living in your pool house... I tell you what, Hermione Granger could straighten your attitude right up, buddy.

Yeah. With a nice charm. This is bullshit. I feel trapped. Should I just do Harry Potter ones then? Can I just take Harry Potter ones? I was trying to scale it back from all laser things. I just gonna say swords from movies yeah movies i would i'll say i will what about fucking lightsabers yeah that counts i will say non-gun bladed weapons fucking

lightsabers but it doesn't have to be like a fancy replica one or can it just be a fucking toy one? No, I mean, I think here's what I want. Here's what I'm getting at here is something where authenticity is part of the selling point. Where like it's not just one you buy at Target, but like this is made to be the – Right. This is made by an artisan to be similar to the movie prop. I'm changing my mind to how many Jordan Jesse Go listeners have worn socks with sandals. I win. Don't you want to see about the motorcycle thing, though?

Yeah, I do, but I didn't know you were going to pick something that 400 people- I don't know. I don't know. This isn't Brian's only job. That's true. Nick, do you think you can beat Replica Weapon from a movie? How many Jordan Jesse Goh listeners have had direct contact with a spirit or creature from the afterlife? This is what I'm talking about.

A creature from the afterlife. This is what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about my mom's, my grandmother's, the inn we stayed at on vacation. I mean, I saw something. Somebody talked to me. Something touched me. I saw some shit that I can't explain. Wow. Not just like spooky vibes. And not just I heard a sound.

You know what it was and you observed it directly in some way. And you are comfortable saying it plainly with your first name and last initial and just saying it for the record that I saw this thing. Okay, I have a new one. Okay.

How many Jordan Jesse Go listeners... Let me ask you a question. Quick, just a quick... Could be Banshee, Wendigo, it doesn't matter. What about Sleep Paralysis Monster? Because I've seen the Sleep Paralysis Monster, but I don't consider...

Like a visual representation? You know that Sleep Paralysis Monster where you can't move and you see the shadow? I've never seen anything, but I've had Sleep Paralysis. Wait, what? Yeah, that's like a sleep... it's the thing with sleep paralysis you see a like a shadow man i guess i don't really know what sleep paralysis is that's the thing where you

like you wake up but you can't move okay and then you know you're also part of it is seeing a shadow man i'd see i i had that but i've never had the shadow man It was always like a sense that there's something behind me. Right. I never saw anything, but there was like, I knew that there was like a creature. Nick, that's the shadow man. Yeah. That's, oh my God. That's who you were.

Yeah. Yeah. But I think that's a natural phenomenon. I don't personally believe that to be supernatural. I think that's just a brain trick. I've seen a jelly mon. Sure. You've seen me.

America's most vocal jelly mon. Sure, you've seen me. America's most vocal jellymon. Hey, everybody, jelly me bananas. Wait, so, okay. So, direct contact with something that is dead. Some sort of unexplained. Or a creature from the other side. Yes, yes. So, that could be like an angel.

Yeah, sure. I don't know what's over there. What about a demon? A poke demon? Oh, yeah, a poke demon. Okay, Jordan, you've got how many people have a replica weapon from a film? I don't think it's going to be as high as you think it is. No toys.

We've had a lot of surprises in this, I'll say. The answer is usually surprising. I bet there's a lot of really considering the replica weapon from a film. I can't justify the $200.

I think that is a mark of these things that are a little more expensive than you want them to be. Like they got on the mailing list for the catalog. Yeah. Maybe circled a few things. Listen, you called the number that was at the end of the Crow VHS tape. I did that as a kid. I had the Crow catalog for so long and never ordered anything. You wanted that duster so bad.

I wanted the duster. I wanted the pendants. I wanted the crow catalog for so long and never ordered anything. You wanted that duster so bad. I wanted the duster. I wanted the pendants. I wanted the busts. You wanted the blanks for your gun. RIP Brandon Lee. Too dark. Too soon. Too much.

I apologize for that. 1993. Too soon. Okay. 206-984-45. Did you have one? Yeah. Mine is the thing about the fucking three-wheel motorcycles that I thought was going to be fun.

I thought we were resetting back to lower number of things. We are. I was going to say, I was originally going to say that versus like who's owned a Segway. But now I guess I'm stuck with who has driven a three-wheel motorcycle or ridden in a motorcycle sidecar. In the world of PNVs. Circus performances. Personal mobility vehicles. Oh, I thought you said PNVs. Penis and vaginas.

Which, you know, when you say personal mobility vehicle I immediately think about reproductive organs sure have you seen the guys on the like it's just a wheel and a board oh yeah sure what is that called do you know what that is

it's just like a board with a wheel it's called the ankle roller for people who don't roll their ankles enough do you want to include ankle rollers in yours? No, fuck those. I'm keeping it my shit pure. I'm not just folding in every kind of weapon. Captain America shield counts as long as it's

from the movie. As long as it's a replica from the movie. Scuff marks and everything. Yeah, it has to have the, right, it has to have the Black Panther claw on it. You're gonna win if you just said how many people in our audience are stormtroopers at cons. That's different. That would be all on it. If you just said how many people in our audience are stormtroopers at cons. That's different. That would be all of it.

But they all got fucking replica laser guns. It's true. I'm prepared to walk it back to non-gun weapons. Non-gun weapons? Yeah. If I can have Harry Potter wand, I'll forego all gun weapons. No, you can't. It's fucking bullshit.

They have offensive capabilities. This is bullshit. Wands have offensive capabilities. By any metric. It's a weapon. Yeah. Wands are equal opportunity offenders. It's true.

That's what you mean. Although a sword can't just, Bill Maher. A sword would never just fracture because Ron had it in his cloak and fell down or whatever happened. Fucking Ron. How many Jordan Jesse Go listeners have hats? That's mine.

Yeah. Fucking hats to cover their heads. Iron Man gauntlet counts too. How many Jordan Jesse Go listeners have had lice? Yeah. Adult lice. I'm changing mine to adult lice. There's a lice.

Technically, if you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener and you own like a glock automatic handgun that's you know most of the marvel universe right there that's true black widow yeah no glock anthony mackie's like bullshit flying oh yeah he just has he just has a couple of guns he's a couple of non already fly and do karate and then he just every now and then pulls out like two submachine guns. Anyway. I'm sticking with mine because mine's the best one. It's how many people have been in three-wheeled motorcycles or been in a motorcycle sidecar.

I'm betting that there's a lot of Jordan and Jesse Go listeners who were postal carriers during World War II at the front. Maybe you were in Vietnam and rode in a trike. Yeah. So we're including tuk-tuks here? Tuk-tuks. Fine, yeah, I'm going to throw in tuk-tuks. It's a three-wheeled vehicle, right? Sure. You have to tell us.

Brian, I'm going to want the breakdown between tuk-tuks, sidecars, and tricycles. Big wheels don't count. And if you were in Laos, Cambodia, and you were in a tuk-tuk, we're not going to follow up and ask you what you were doing there. Just if you were nervous about what your activities were, no questions asked.

You don't have to tell us if you were there to buy heroin. No, no. No trafficking. We don't need to know. Honestly, though, I think have you seen a creature from the afterlife might run away with this. I think it might. That might be the though, I think have you seen a creature from the afterlife might run away with this. Yeah. I think it might.

That might be the one. Interacted directly with a creature from the afterlife, right? No, just like I saw it. Like we had a moment. Right. You have to have had an exchange of some kind. Yeah. Fluids, words.

Yeah. But there has to be a one, two, three. Back and forth. I think it could be one, two. I'm fine with one, two. One, two. Because I feel like a lot of it is like- One could be seeing it i'm fine with one two one two because like a lot of it is like in it you say something it says something back to you i feel like a lot of times

it's like you say something to the creature the creature goes away or a lot of times yes a lot of times that's how this works it's documented that's what happens when it comes to angels and demons right or whatever lives on the other side parad Parademons, sure. Is that a thing? What's those dark sides minions? If you've interacted with any of dark sides minions. And yes, that includes Steppenwolf. If you're in your mid-40s and occasionally fall asleep late at night while you're watching your iPad to DC movies but never finish them, and then you eternalize the characters' names and then repeat them in podcasts months down the road.

Sometimes the words like parademon, monitor, anti-monitor, these things will just slip into your vernacular. Honestly, Jordan, I don't think that Minions even has a dark side. Minions is 100% love. Minions has done nothing but bring love to our lives. They're all those evil Minions, those purple ones.

Oh, shit. There are dark Minions. But they... Sorry. Yeah, well, that's ones. Oh, shit. There are dark minions. But they counteract. The purple ones. Sorry. Yeah, well, that's okay. I just know more about minions than you do, apparently. He's a professional. I'm a professional.

JJ, go at MaximumFun.org, 206-984-4FUN. Send them in to us. I just want to know the breakdown. I just want to know the breakdown, Jordan. Yeah, I think we all do. Because I know that I'm going to lose to both of you now. I don't know. This thing is such a surprise.

I mean, I think something that has been a constant surprise in this has been how much international travel has to do with it. I feel like throwing tuk-tuks in there really helps me. Yeah, maybe you're going to get a tuk-tuk victory. I appreciate that. I'm thinking that since characters like the Dark Phoenix, their powers, and she's absolutely one of the most powerful in the universe, right? Sure, certainly. Her powers are completely mental. Right. So therefore, her mind is a weapon.

Oh. So therefore, I believe, technically, if you're a Jordan, Jesse Goh listener who has a brain. That's true. You're on my side. Call in if you have a brain. Jordan, do those magic wands that you buy at Universal Studios, does that count? I think so. I'm specifically thinking of the replica wands that people get at Universal Studios.

Fuck. You don't have to get the, it doesn't have to be from Universal. Those things are like a hundred bucks. So yeah, those are absolutely, they have to count. Those are expensive. Okay. 206-9844-FUND,

JJGO at MaximumFund.org. One or the other, don't do both. One or the other, don't do both. Call in or email. You don't have all day.

Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Thanks so much to the over 28,000 members who joined or upgraded during the 2019 Max Fund Drive and to all of our monthly members. To celebrate hitting our goal this year, we're putting the 2019 Max Fund Drive pins on sale for all $10 and up monthly members.

As in past years, you'll be able to get some pins and support a great cause at the same time. The proceeds from this year's sale will support the National Court Appointed Special Advocates Association. National CASA does amazing work for children and youth through a national network of 950 member programs. We are proud to be able to support them. The pin sale will run from April 29th until May 10th. And if you're a $10 and up monthly member, your personalized code is waiting in your inbox right now. For more details, you can head over to MaximumFun.org slash pins. And once again, thank you.

Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. And we have a podcast called The Art of Process. We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. So I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people. If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous. The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show.

We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect. I really just became a political speechwriter by accident. Realizing that I have accidentally pulled my pants down. Listen and subscribe at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. It's like if Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Parademon. Nick.

Repeat Adams. Now, Brian Fernandez, Sonny D, our producer. I want to be Darkseid's minion. Jordan Morris, Darkseid's minion. Brian Fernandez, our producer. I want to be Darkseid's minion. Jordan Morris, Darkseid's minion. Brian Fernandez, our producer on the program. He had an important – he's the one who has to count the emails and telephone calls. He's a professional. He anticipated a problem. Yeah.

So, Brian, can you illuminate what's the issue here? Yeah. I feel like we're going to get a lot of – well, I saw a ghost once. Not sure if this counts, but I saw a ghost. So if you've only seen, I just want to be clear, if you've only seen a ghost. We're talking to you, Mike Mitchell. You have to have interacted with the creature from the dimension of the dead. Yeah, so keep it to yourself if you've only seen one.

If you saw a ghost and were a chicken shit coward and didn't run up on it. Or try and fuck it. With its consent. You had to get its consent first and then fuck it. Honey, you're going. I think I'm ready to go to the other side, grandson. Don't come back till you've fucked a ghost. That's the movie.

My mortal soul can't rest until I fucked one more living person. Yeah. That's what a lot of people need to cross over. To find peace. Don't release my chains. That's what I'm into. Can I keep the chains? It's called Jacob Marley-ing.

People want to be, fuck a chain ghost. Okay. I believe that. And I want to clarify that we're including tuk-tuks. Right. The Southeast Asian mode of popular conveyance, but we're not including those mini buses they have in the Philippines. They're like a little bigger than a tuk-tuk, but smaller than a regular bus.

Those are four-wheeled, right? Yeah, those are generally four-wheeled, I think. Looking for three-wheeled, like a tuk-tuk. Right. You know what I'm talking about? I do. When I was in Bangkok, I rode on the back of a taxi cab that was a motorcycle, and I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I bet.

Just this tiny motorcycle, tiny Thai man who drove like a taxi driver because that's what his job was. Tiny Thai man who drove like a taxi driver because that's what his job was. And me just, there's like a little, on like a sporty motorcycle, there's like a little bar on the back of the back seat. Yeah, that you hold on to. I was holding on to that more tightly than I've ever held on to anything. I was holding on to that more tightly than like Arnold, I mean, Sylvester Stallone was holding on to the edge of the cliff in the movie Cliffhanger. Sure. Or the other man's arm in the movie Over the Top where he plays an arm wrestler who needs to reconnect with his son. Yeah.

Or Creed's sense of identity in the movie Creed. I've ridden on the back of a motorcycle where you're supposed to grab on that thing. The back that you're talking about. I'm hugging your ass. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't care who you are. I think a few minutes in, I switched into just full bear hug on this. Yes, both arms around the waist.

Very small tie man. Lean in. Get a nice Biden whiff as you're coming by. I think I had 100 pounds on this dude, too. I was like, I know this guy can manage this motorcycle. This motorcycle seems well within his control, but what happens when 210 pounds gets on? Also, this move takes you back and throws the whole center of gravity off. Don't you want to kind of lean in?

I was so scared I was going to throw off his center of gravity. That's what I was scared about. Wolverine claws count. If you have a Wolverine claw, that also counts. Wait, no, no, no, no. It's a hand-bladed weapon. Sit. You get a claw.

Oh, like a glove with the claws in it. No, not one claw. I'm sorry. But not like one that's... It's a replica. If it's not, you can't just be the one you get a target. It's not like a target, yeah. We already know.

Talking Hulk hands do not count. Yes, yes. We already know that anything with an outfit from the cons is going to win. Yeah. You're just adding more things to it. My date in a costume thing didn't take off like I thought it was going to. But, I mean, we had that Spider-Man fucker. Yeah, the Spider-Man fucker was great.

I forget why sexual hypnosis called. I think they were trying to decide whether their dazzling outfits constituted a costume. Listen, even though it did not win, we got a lot of wonderful memories from it, especially sexual hypnosis. Has anyone called to erotically hypnotize us while we're on tour? Yeah, we're consenting to erotic hypnosis while on tour. I will be erotically hypnotized on stage. We'll light up our phones. If somebody calls in, I'd have to go over ground rules with my wife.

But I think she'd be chill about it. Yeah, she seems pretty discreet. Discreet lady. She's 420 friendly, so. Well, well, well. Okay. She's 420 friendly so Well Well Well Okay She's into Hitler Nick you know my wife Into Hitler

You know she's more of a Mussolini gal Huge huge into the dictators Me and my gal be Pol Potting You know what I'm talking about Nick Adams it's been a joy to have you on the program as always Always a pleasure Huge into the dictators. Me and my gal be Pol Potting. You know what I'm talking about. Nick Adams, it's been a joy to have you on the program, as always. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure. You got anything you want to plug?

You got a TV show coming out? Tuca and Bertie, man. Tuca and Bertie. Lisa Hanawalt's new blaster. Tiffany Haddish. Ali Wong. Steven Yeun. Crazy, crazy guest.

Steven Yeun's on that shit, too? He's on that shit, too, man. Did you work with that guy in real life? Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Were you? Because I had him on, he was in this amazing Korean movie called Burning this past year. And he was amazing in it. And I had him on Bullseye.

And it was one of those interviews where I was uncomfortable the whole time because of how handsome he is. He's a good looking guy. And he's one of those good looking guys where you're just like is that i think you're making your clothes look like i don't think you're wearing a cool jacket i think you're just like making that jacket look cool yeah just with your charisma yeah yeah i think you're like you know coaching that jacket up a little bit i feel like there are there are people who all you know almost anybody who's in film and television is very good looking even people who play a goofy looking person in film and television is very good looking, even people who play a goofy looking person in film and television. And when you meet them in real life, there's a kind of disappointment.

Oh, this person isn't goofy looking like me. This is just only goofy looking relative to George Clooney. Hollywood goofy. When you meet them. But not every person that comes on Bullseye am I intimidated by their good looks. I'm not usually actively uncomfortable. But Steven Yeun he's also so chill

yeah he's very mellow he's very such a nice chill dude laid back cool guy so it should be I'm excited about it can't wait to see it Lisa's mind is very unique and twisted and fun so I'm looking forward to this snake trains and like plant ladies with boobs and

like lots of fun stuff fucking It's on the Netflix. It's on the Flix, man. Gotta get it. Boot it up on your Netflix. I say. Put it in the Flix machine. Amazon Flix. The Flix comes on it. Don't! That's for another sponsor. We can't give away our songs

to people who don't sponsor. For the $3 million company. Should I switch to a different Houdini song? Yes. Would you please? Flicks, how many of us have them? Flicks, ones we can watch and chill. How about that?

That's good. I like that. Okay. Before we watch any further. Let's have sex. Right? That's what Netflix is, right? That's what they're doing.

That's what the youngsters are doing. But Netflix convinced America that Netflix means sex. Right? That's what Netflix is. That's what they're doing. That's what the youngsters are doing. Netflix convinced America that Netflix means sex. Yeah. That's like the greatest marketing thing ever. Sure. Amazon's got to come up with another thing. Like, uh, queefing. I was going to say intimacy.

Like emotional intimacy, not physical intimacy. Like, well, yeah, if you're looking for sex, Netflix. Yeah, of course. If you want a connection, Amazon Prime. Nick, a delight to have you. Thank you. Nice socks, by the way. I have to keep up with you guys. Not you, Jordan. Jordan has

eschewed socks for the box. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer. Our thanks to Brian this week for counting all this shit. 206-9844-FUN and JJGO at MaximumFun.org are the ways to contact us. If you got socks for us, the information's at MaximumFun.org slash socks. If you're coming out to see us on tour, it's MaximumFun.org slash summerboysofsummer. And do get your tickets in advance.

We just got a sales report, Jordan. Things are going pretty well. Yeah, if you don't want to be left out. God, wouldn't that be pathetic? I would hate to be left out. God, could you imagine you live in Austin, Texas on the Irons? You love Jordan, Jesse.

It's your go-to podcast. Yeah. It's your go-to podcast. Sweaty from 90 minutes of rollerblading down the freeway. You arrive, but you haven't purchased in advance. You didn't buy your tickets in advance, and you are ass out.

Literally, because it's a cooler way to roller skate. Yeah, with your ass out. Yeah. Yeah. Face down, ass out. That's the way we like to rollerblade. With a third rollerblade on your forehead. Yeah, it's a whole thing. roller blade. With a third roller blade on your forehead.

Yeah, it's a whole thing. You can find us at MaximumFun.reddit.com if you want to chat about the show. You can also like Jordan Jesse Go on Facebook. This is a place to do that.

Jordan is at Jordan underscore Morris on Twitter where he'll hit you with a perfect, carefully crafted joke about once a day. Maybe every other day. Yeah, three times a week.

Three times a week. He's got those perfect jokes. Get an endless stream of nonsense from me, at Jesse Thorne. And if you want to hear some Bernie Sanders-related grumpiness, follow Big Nick Adams on Twitter if you want to hear like Bernie stuff and then like really obscure

NBA references which won't make any sense to you and also school play casting updates yes really hilarious all the important shit

live tweeting all the important shit you can follow at Big Nick Adams oh no Nick Adams web oh at Nick Adams web sending them to something I don't know who that person is that could follow at Big Nick Adams. Oh, no. Nick Adams Web. Oh, at Nick Adams Web. You're sending them to something.

I don't know who that person is. That could have been. Big Nick Adams. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't know you were Little Nick Adams. Big Nick Adams, that guy's all bald. You know what I mean? Yeah.

He's a girthy lad. He's a girthy lad. We'll be back next week. Oh, but guess what? Jordan's going to be hosting next week. I'm going to Mexico, baby. Okay. Cool.

Puerto Vallarta. Yeah. You knew that. I Mexico, baby. Okay. Cool. Puerto Vallarta. You knew that. I did know that. Yeah. I'm not trying to shock you. No, I'm not shocked. I'm just preparing the audience. Nothing shocks me.

You're going to get one of their favorite episodes, the ones they like. It's going to be so cool. You and Teresa in a bag of cash driving across the border. Hey, if you guys, so I think we are- Elvis Mitchell-ing it. driving across the border. Hey, if you guys, so I think we are- It's called Elvis Mitchell-ing it.

If, I think as we do, when Jesse isn't here, I think I'll do a malt beverage taste test. Oh, that's fun. We have to ask the guests first if they want to have them. But yeah, if you have any malt beverages that you want to know about,

hit me up. Hit me up on Twitter. The guests are the Hanson brothers from Hanson. Yeah, I hope they like malt beverages. Or I hope they're not- You know what? I think they literally have their own beer, so. That's true. Mon. Yeah. I hope they like malt beverages. I hope they're not sober alcoholics. You know what? I think they literally have their own beer. That's true.

Mops. Yeah. Good name. We'll talk to you next time on... MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.