Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 59: *Love Your Teeth

Episode Date: April 23, 2008

Jesse and Jordan discuss reconciliation, things overheard in the ladies room, and much much more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dumm,ized by in-store music.

I reconcile with my best friend, and we eat a lot of weird, weird candy. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I'm Jordan morris boy detective jordan do you have words to live by gosh uh no uh-uh nothing no i was no i've never been like imparted knowledge god i guess the one thing i can remember the one kind of sagely piece of advice i can remember a family member giving is my dad um feeling like he should have a sex talk with me when i was like 16 ish 16 yeah that's too

late for a sex talk it's far too late but i you know appreciated the gesture 10 or 12 is when you want to do that anyways this is the only thing i can remember ideally you want it to be a dialogue right exactly you don't want it to be a dialogue you right exactly you don't want it to be a sex lecture yeah you want to be socratic in some way engage the whole family sure even dogs um if you have a talking dog right uh my dad just said and it and it was it's odd because it's so crass but it seemed totally planned at the same time it seems like yes these were the worst possible words to choose, but also they were chosen carefully, which was the weirdest part about it. He said, just be careful when you have sex.

Otherwise, your dick will start bleeding. So, you know, I do have words to live by and i am careful with with having sex when your dad was 16 do you think he um had sex with like a barbed wire fence it's entirely possible because he was being reckless yeah Yeah, you know, just devil may care. Sure. It was the 60s. Yeah, people were doing that kind of stuff. Absolutely. I actually, my words to live by come from one of my favorite songs.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, no, I think it's true for a lot of people. They have a favorite song. One of my favorite songs is by a Bay Area hip-hop group called the loonies sure uh it's called oakland raider i don't know if you've ever heard the song i'm a raider an oakland raider from the bay to la to las vegas we've talked about it a lot on the show yes so if it's not so much that because obviously i'm from san francisco i'm not from oak. No, no, no. Well, I'm sure. I love the loonies. I've got five on it.

Bay Area Ballers remix. Sure. What really touched me was, I don't know if you're at all familiar with Mark Curry. He played a character named Mr. Cooper on a television program called Hanging with Mr. Cooper. The Coop to the Faithful? Exactly. It was sort of like an all-in-the-family for the 90s. It was just coop.

Yeah, it was just coop. It was like an all-in-the-family or a mash, and then it picks up social issues here and there, taught lessons. Anyway, he said something that I thought was really beautiful. I wrote it down, so I'm just going to read it. Yeah. And I'm not going to say the... He says the N-word in it, and of course, I'm not going to say the, he says the N word in it.

And of course, I'm not going to say the N word. I'll just say the phrase, the N word instead of, hey, what about me? This is Mark Curry, baby. I'm not an Oakland Raider. God damn.

I was the first motherfucker on TV. The first one who did HBO. The first one who did the Apollo. I think that qualifies me in the halls of pimpology as an Oakland Raider. What? I was the first one on dubs. What? I'm Oakland Raider, baby.

That's right. Representing the town. East side O. N words straight up take yo ho. Pop call is all day long. That's the way we do it in the town. Cristal. Big dank.

That's the way we roll. Old school, sitting on 20s. It doesn't make no difference. Floating. Doing it all. Ghetto N-word from the Eastmont Mall. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And what I do is, if I'm in a difficult time in my life, I think and I think. You think about that long, long thing. Yeah. Well, I'll focus in on a part. Okay. Oh, right, right.

Yeah. Like, let's say I'm trying to figure out what kind of wheels to put on my car or what kind of car to get. Yeah. I'm looking to figure out what kind of wheels to put on my car or what kind of car to get. Yeah. I'm looking for an old school, and I'm going to want to put it on 20s. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. This is a lot like the Bible. It was written a long time ago, but it has a lot of real-world application. Let's say I'm looking for a mall, and I'm in the East Bay. Sure. I'm going to go to the Eastmont Mall. Maybe if you're wondering...

Going to hit up Foot Action or maybe Foot Locker if you're wondering how often to pop your collar yeah exactly you got it Jordan you're on top of it although I'm sorry if I'm being too critical if you pop it right the first time you shouldn't have to be doing it all day long seems like a waste of time well you don't know how we pop our collars

in the yay Jordan I mean that's why you're not a ghetto n-word from the eastmont mall yeah you know what i mean listen i happen to be nordstrom i worked at nordstrom once in uh in orange county i like to think of myself as qualified uh in the halls of pimpology yeah you know and those are hallowed halls jordan hallowed halls. It's true. But just overall, Jordan. A lot of famous pimps. This is some advice that I'm giving you. Sure, right.

And it's something that was inspired by the coop, but it's something that I'm sharing with you, just as your dad once shared that wonderful advice with you. Okay. It's this, Jordan. If you're ever in any kind of scrape, a difficult situation, you need something to inspire yourself, you can do it with just two words jordan big dank big dank big dank yeah that's how heroes are made i'm gonna have to

uh give you a speech at your wedding i guess coming up i mean i should probably just say big dank right yeah just say big dank that's all need. That's how Mark Spitz won all those diving medals. Big Dank. Big Dank. He just thought, you know, just like last week on this show, Carrie Strug came up. I don't know if you saw any of the interviews she did after she won that award with her broken ankle or whatever. Big Dank. That's what she was thinking about to inspire her.

You know, as we're doing this. I don't want to get too, you know, I don't want to get too sappy. No. You know what I mean? I don't want to be a sap. I mean, as I was driving over here, though, I learned that Hillary Clinton just won the Pennsylvania primary. Big dank? That's what she was thinking.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. And I think, you know, there's, I don't know, she's probably been to the Eastmont Mall. That probably explains her appeal to blue-collar workers. Sure. Because they hang out at the Eastmont Mall. They're going to the foot action.

They're going to the athlete's foot. They're going to the other shoe sneaker stores. It's primarily what they have at the Eastmont Mall. I think there's a Chick-fil-A. There's no Chick-fil-A's in the Ye. Absolutely not. Don't insult me. I'm sorry.

I thought... Jordan, how about this? Sure. For the rest of the show, if you think you have a witticism to share, just run it past in your mind. Just run it past the idea of Big Dank. If it fits in, spit it out. I won't be saying much this one, this show, then. Well.

Not much I have. I'll be honest with you. Not much I have to say. If you want me to print this out for you so you have some stuff to say, that way you'll know it'll be effective. So I should just say stuff off the paper? Say stuff that was in that thing you said earlier no say stuff that mark curry said on the on the right on the song oakland raiders by the loonies okay um by the way you the oakland raiders song somebody posted it on the message board you can you can hear it on youtube hey um who are some other characters in hanging with mr

cooper i don't even i don't even remember. What was his situation? There was a lady and there was some kids. I think it was him and a lady were taking care of some kids that weren't their children. But they were taking care of them. There's some sort of weird court order or something? Yeah, I think it was a court order. It might have been related to Big Dank.

This is a crazy judge situation. I think there was a crazy judge um gosh i'm trying to remember all what all i remember he was definitely representing the town you know east side oh sure uh but i gosh i am not sure there was chris now big dank right um there was old school sitting on 20s you know olsky wolsky's yeah i don't remember anyway we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Two weeks ago on this program, Jordan, I'm talking about before we went to Amherst, Massachusetts. Lovely town. I'm talking about before, in early April. Right. We asked our listeners who live in foreign countries of whom... Some more times, huh? Oh, man. I feel like the world gets more complicated by the day jordan hey coco brought me an octo jordan you can't play with coco and her octopus while we're

on the radio yeah all right on the other hand we're not on the radio it's true it's a fucking podcast hey coco you can pretty much fuck around you could basically ink sack you could you could fuck around for the next two hours exclusively we wouldn't even be up three percent on the fucking around that goes on on the average podcast yeah yeah you know what i mean we're distinguished only almost exclusively by our relative lack of fucking around and which is remarkable given the volume of fucking around that we do so So we asked listeners who live in foreign countries to send us candy from those countries after a kind listener sent us some Icelandic candy.

All of which I hated. You hated all of it? Yeah, I think about that Icelandic candy and it makes me a little pissed off. Really? What's going on over there in Iceland that they like such shitty candy? I don't know.

I really like those opals. Are they in the middle of a genocide? I really liked opals. Is there some sort of Icelandic genocide going on to where they don't understand what sweetness is, so they just want to put filth in their mouths? Jordan, look. Because their lives are so bad?

What? You wouldn't be saying that if our listener Ari from Iceland was here with us. You may remember when he called in and berated us until we cried about the fact that Rutger Hauer canceled on us. Oh, yeah, that jerk. I don't know. I think he's just saying it like it is. Anyway, he called.

I wanted to share this call with you, Jordan. Okay. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jordan. Okay. Hi, Jesse. Hi, Jordan. Well, Jesse, you've just reached the tip of the iceberg in the opal eating experience. You've got the classic

red opal that you just ate. Then we've got green opal. You've got black opal. You've got the opal liquor. And they used to make a blue opal, which was the greatest, but they stopped manufacturing it because it had chloroform in it. That was amazing.

So maybe I'll send you some more opal because green and black opal are awesome. And the opal liquor will get you really, really drunk really, really fast. Yeah, it sounds like a real rainbow of barf to me. What did he say it had in it? Chloroform? Chloroform. I think it still has chloroform in it. I've got news for you, Opal. I don't think you've eliminated your chloroform problem. Did you pass out

after eating it and then wake up in an opium den? I did, yes. I was in a steamer trunk, headed for the Orient okay well some some listeners sent us opal made me get sold into white slavery i've been eating my opal ever since i really like opal i'm gonna have to find an icelandic products shop to purchase opal from in the future no i that explains why you smell like shit well that's another thing that i'd rather not talk about on the podcast oh it's your uh

your propensity to shit your pants yeah exactly oh man um okay so ann who is in oslo norway okay sent us a box of candies is that to iceland uh i believe iceland and norway are the same i think that's just two names for the same thing. Oh, yeah. A third. Inflammable and inflammable? Yeah, exactly. I think just like these stamps here that say Norge, I think you can also call either one of them Norge.

Hmm. You know what I mean? Yeah. All are Norge. Yeah, all are Norge. Well, she sent us a couple of different candies. The first one is a Smil. If you're wondering what a Smil is, if you're out there, you don't know what a Smill is.

A Smill is Fria Melchizikoladi Med McToffee. All right. I like the sound of that. Anyway, because it's a migraine trigger, I can't eat Melchizikoladi. Are you sure? Jordan, give it a shot here. Okay. It looks like a it's

like a tube of rolos yeah it's a smell situation jordan's untying this smell here uh there's no string involved i just uh that was poor diction on my part bad choice of words okay comes out exact feels texture like whoa it basically exploded in my hand for no reason jordan just smashed a smell he broke it what do you think of a smell it's good it's basically a rollo yeah it's basically a roll well there you go smells a little bit it's a fatter rollo i like them okay now next up we got these uh norges uh it's got my country of the year vote. I'm really excited about this one. These are some Nidar Labans. Sigmen.

You probably know them for their slogan, Got for Denlekni. You know what I mean? It was racy at the time it was invented. Yeah, well, the... Now it's become part of the lexicon, but when it was invented, it turned some heads. Also well known for their catchy slogan, slip us oot.

You know what I mean? Anyway, there's five frisky frukesmokers of these. There's apple, ananas, appleson, citron, and bring-a-bar. Two of those sounded like apple. I don't know how many like norwegian cognates there are for english stuff but i'm like oh that's probably apple i'm like no that other one's probably apple well what we got here is we got an apple a pineapple an orange a lemon and then maybe that's a raspberry it's also possibly a pomegranate um okay i'm gonna open

this one up these are like gummy guys I'm opening up this Laban here. These are gummy guys. They're in different colors. Can I offer you a Laban, Jordan? Yeah, I'll take one. All right. Now, these are men of extraordinary length, I would say. They're little gummy men.

Yeah, big torsoed men. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of just a real unoriginal gummy it's just a guy it's good though that's a nice gummy very good flavor there's a kind of a dust kind of a sugar dust on them i could i could do without this but i don't like like those sour gummies i don't like those sour patch kids or gummy worms i like a pure gummy. Oh, okay. Well, fair enough. Like a Swedish fish. Standard gummy worm, but yeah, these are good. Jordan, this listener, Ann, was very thoughtful of us.

I'll tell you why. A lot of listeners would just send us candy, right? Sure. They don't have to do that. But they should. They like the show. Can you just be careful that Coco doesn't eat those smells? I will.

Okay. She's busy with that Octo. But she's looking ahead, is what I'm saying. Smell is not on the menu for Coco. Jordan, she's looking ahead. You see what I'm saying here? She got you a gift. Oh, my gosh.

Whoa, a toothbrush that says Jordan on it. Holy cow. This is a Jordan brand toothbrush. Wow. She got each toothbrush that says Jordan on it. Holy cow. This is a Jordan brand toothbrush. Wow. You got each of us a Jordan brand toothbrush. No, give me yours. I'm Jordan. Circular bristles.

Give me yours. Give me yours. I want to brush with one and keep the other one. Give it to me. The slogan is love your teeth. No, this is a nice toothbrush. Yeah, it's a Jordan asterisk. Love your teeth at the bottom.

Yeah. Oh, wait, it does. It has an asterisk, and then at the bottom, the asterisk is love your teeth at the bottom yeah oh wait it does it has an asterisk and then at the bottom the asterisk is it's love your teeth is jordan norge for love your teeth yeah i think that i think that is iceland for love your teeth um okay so that's that erica very much thank you for this thing with my name on it erica was nice enough to send us a bunch of japanese shit from japan oh she sent us a really nice bring it on uh what i got here is it looks like a small starbucks carryout uh box it's uh got a hippopotamus a coffee box yeah the you know like one of those carryout cups with a

little flip top yeah no i know how you feel i need to have my box of coffee in the morning fuck you till i have my box of coffee i'm a real crank anyway it's got a picture of this um he's got a picture of a uh what's that kind of thing hippopotamus on there sure and he's eating what look like little coffee beans and uh it's got mostly got nonsense symbols on the thing i don't know why they don't use words, but the one thing that is written in words is it's called a walkie-walkie. Okay. Anyway, it's brown, so I'm guessing it might have some chocolate in it, so I'm passing it over to you, Jordan. You know, and this thing has a hippo on it eating coffee beans,

and it kind of comes up a lot when you encounter foreign products. You're like, God, these are the weirdest mascots in the world. You know, like what a bonkers country. But then like I think, oh, we have Count Chocula. Yeah, exactly. Like that's way weirder than anything. Than a hippopotamus. Like a vampire.

Like nothing is more bizarre than that. Oh, this smells good. I had an intense smell. Okay, these are tiny. They're like nerds. These are okay these are tiny they're like nerds these are like um oh they're like nerds yeah these are like the size and shape and firmness of nerds okay eat it bumpy eat it jordan's putting in his mouth they sound crunchy they're crunchy weird um they're bizarre uh it's it's like a bitter chocolate it's kind of like a bitter chocolate. It's just kind of like a bitter chocolate. Okay, it's a bitter chocolate. Now, we don't have to— Oh, you know what it is?

It tastes like Pocky. Oh, okay. Pocky is kind of a popular Japanese candy that's kind of easily to get. Like, you can buy it at the Hello Kitty store. She sent us some strawberry Pocky, by the way. Oh, nice. Okay. Here's some. I already ate some of this.

It tastes— I've eaten Pocky. It tastes kind of like a shitty Pocky that's dipped in quick strawberry milk. Sure. We also got this Little Kit Kat for you here. That's the brand name, by the way. That's not just the... It's actually Kit Kat Little, I think.

Oh. Sorry, God. And the slogan for Kit Kat Little is have a break. The English slogan. Awesome. So these, these ones that I've got in my hand here, they don't have any, these don't have any English words on them. They just have pictures of crazy Japanese characters. Erica has written on these Choco. She says these are delicious sticks,

which sounds like a trick to me. Choco cheese and takoyaki. Don't ask, just try. I don't like the phrase, don't ask, just try. Yeah, I'm going to save those. All right, don't eat them. I got this Felix the Cat gumball here. These Kit Kats are just Kit Kat balls. These are just balls of kit kat by the way oh okay uh this one is a set of two cell phone charms she says she kept the one that she liked and gave the other one to you it looks sort of like an african-american nurse uh duck here you you go. Thank you. So maybe a character on the cartoon show Duckman? Do you think maybe that's a big hit there in Japan?

Jason Alexander probably does his own voiceovers in Japanese. His own Japanese voiceover? Yeah. Do you know that Fuel TV is on in Portugal now? It's on in some weird places. They don't have a lot of South American countries. Really? Yeah, so I guess i have a south american guy who does my voice that's awesome they dub it in spanish it's not just in english yeah totally

it's totally dubbed i think there's even one in portuguese too i think it's in brazil portuguese sure and um yeah yeah i wonder i wonder if i'm like the same guy in those other countries like maybe i'm just like a stand-in for a stupid American or something. Often your character on the shows is kind of this kind of halting, nervous guy. Sure. Not always, but often. Yeah, not so much anymore. That got phased out a little bit, but... No, that's good.

No, I'm just kind of... I was bored of that. Yeah. Okay, now this is some plum-headed men. They look like Ultraman, but with plums for heads. These are some sort of sour plum. We're going to eat these, Jordan. I kind of like this African-American duck.

Duck lady. It really does look like a character from Duckman, right? Sure, yeah, it totally does. You ready for a sour plum, Jordan? Yeah. Okay. Duck. Actually, I'm kind of upset because I thought this was going to be some kind of candy,

but it really seems like it might actually be a sour plum. Yeah. It's about the size of... This might be fruit. How big would you say this is? It's fuzzy. It's fuzzy. It's about the size of a...

It's about the size of a big marble. Yeah, a dime. A shooter. Okay, let's eat it. No! No! No! Ugh!

Ah, boo! Boo on.... Ah, boo. Boo on I Hate Japan Now. Jesse is running over to the garbage can to spat it out dramatically. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Yeah, this is bad, man. It's got the most adorable graphics by far, but it tastes worse than eating a...

Oh, God. Give me some of those lab hands, Jordan. Yeah, here, cleanse the palate with a lab hand. Oh, man, I'm going to... Yes, these are actual fruits that have been in a plastic bag for God knows how long. Oh, God, those were foul. Yeah, it tastes like they've been pickled or put up or something. I'm going to have some walkie-walkie. This will do it. Wow. Yeah. It tastes like they've been pickled or put up or something. Ooh.

I'm going to have some walkie-walkie. This will do it. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I am still reeling from those sour plums. Yeah, those are bad, man.

I will say, to their credit, when I spat them out, it looked like I was spitting out blood and guts. Yeah, it totally did. It was really intensely bright red, much more so than the actual plum itself. Yeah, the plum was kind of crimson, but it came out. I wonder if we were supposed to eat the whole thing. Yeah, maybe they're swallowing. Yeah.

They're swallowing. Or maybe they're just, maybe they use them like in the way that we would use, say, a paintball. Might have been a suppository. It was probably a suppository. We might have just taken a big bite out of a suppository. Yeah, we should have greased them up and put them in our butts. That's what I'm thinking now. Oh, man.

Well, too late now, huh? No, we can get them out of the garbage and put them up our butts. Why shoot mine up? Do I have to push it, smush it together back into one piece? Yes. Okay. The listener took the time to create a box of Japanese candy and spend, God, probably $80 to send it over here.

The least you can do is shove some things up your butt. Jordan. What? That kind of shit talking about me is why you're not going to get any of this watering kiss mint gum yeah well i don't want it anymore jordan i have yes i've had number one last week we went to amherst massachusetts sure we did our live show there which you heard if you subscribe to the podcast and i just want to say it was so great and thank you to the folks who brought us uh out there and it was just a lot of fun, and it was really a pleasure to do, and I had a great time.

I have a little story about that. What is the story? I had a little insider info as to what was going on in the ladies' room while we were doing our show. Okay. My special lady, Jenna, came down from – she moved to New York, and she came down to Boston to see the show. Right. To Amherst. And she was in the ladies' room.

Your sweetheart, if you will. Sure. After the show. And she heard two of the girls talking. One of them said, well, Jesse's really cute, but that other guy – Ugh. Not only – not, oh, okay. So whether she's heard the show or not, the name of the show is Jordan Jesse Go.

Right. The name of the show is Jordan Jesse Go. Right. So obviously both of our names are in it. Right. She couldn't even bring herself to say my name. She just said the other one and then didn't even say like oh he's less cute or i prefer but just made a guttural vomitous sound that's anyway so that

was what was going on the ladies room congratulations fucking handsome i'm just jordan i'm sorry that i'm laughing at this situation sure i know i should be taking it more seriously but you have to understand that these are probably the first people who found me attractive since i was 17 years old oh man i always thought i was the cute one i was always coasting on the belief that i was the cute one but this is this is firm evidence to the contrary jordan look this is what it is what you're the cute one i'm the the handsome one. No, this isn't. No, it wasn't even like, oh, Jesse's good looking. Jordan's adorable. It was like, ugh.

It was a barf noise. But Jordan, you are adorable. No, not to them. Not to the ladies of Jordan, Jesse, go live audience. Jordan, let me ask you this question. What? You mentioned the person who overheard your... Ugh. Let's just move on. Now, tell me ask you this question. What? You mentioned the person who overheard your... Let's just move on.

Now tell me, what does your very beautiful, charming girlfriend think? Does she think that you're adorable? I don't even know anymore. She probably doesn't. That's probably why she told you that. It was a nice way of telling you that. Yeah.

She's probably just with you for the money. It's fucking over. She's just always wanted to date an action sports celebrity. She couldn't get a date with the guy who hosts your show.

She ideally, specifically, was looking for a former professional rollerblader. Yeah. So she had to settle for you.

And that's fine, Jordan. What I'm saying is just look. Yeah. Would it help if I told you this? Yeah. In my eyes, you're big dank. Cut it out, man. No, you really are.

You're big dank. That's nice of you. You're Cristal, big dank, rolling on olsky-wolskies. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? You're like the Coop of our generation. Yeah. Well, the Coop is the Coopolskies. Yeah. You know what I'm saying, Jordan? You're like the Coop of our generation. Yeah. Well, the Coop is the Coop of our generation.

Yeah, when Coop dies. But when Coop dies, he will likely pass his mantle to you. It won't matter what some girl says in the girl's bathroom, Jordan. Yeah, you're right. You know what I'm saying? Once I'm Coop. You are Coop. Jordan, you are my Coop. Currently, I'm Coop. You are Coop. Jordan, you are my Coop.

Currently I'm Coop. In my heart, you are already the star of a TGIF show called Hanging with Mr. Cooper. Thanks, man. Hey, no problem, buddy. Oh, it's called Step by Step now, though. Oh, sorry.

I changed the name. I didn't realize. I had no idea, Jordan. I'm sorry if I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to anything had no idea Jordan I'm sorry if I I didn't mean to I didn't mean to anything My show has like several dumb characters That have a lot of catchphrases But like several characters whose thing is being dumb Can I tell you something?

I just found a little bit of that peach in my mouth Oh god I hate you now Japan You've given us a lot of great stuff But that plum makes it all null and void I'm surprised that she didn't send us any Pocari Sweat. Yeah, where's that? Where's the bathing ape t-shirts?

Yeah, how come you didn't send us some Bapestas? I gotta get some Bapestas. Oh, man. Anyway, well, outside of whatever disgrace you may have heard about secondhand jordan i would say that overall it was a great trip sure it was a lot of fun and if you're at some college that has thousands of dollars to fly us somewhere to do something fucking i'm down here's here's what i want here's now that we did jordan jesse go live in amherst okay and we already we've already been pampered we stated the at the Quality Inn.

Mm-hmm. It was exactly as its namesake makes it out to be. Mm-hmm. Quality. Free Wi-Fi, people. Yeah, absolutely. That's what I'm looking for. Oh, you know, here's something weird.

I had a joke I was going to make, but I want to just make a weird observation. Okay, okay. There's a reasonable explanation for this. I want to hear an observation. I've actually been staying in a lot of hotels recently. I've been traveling more than my share for work these days. And I've stayed in a couple of crappy hotels

and then a couple of really, really nice hotels. These past couple weeks I've stayed in some of the nicest places I've ever stayed. The shitty ones have free Wi-Fi and the nice ones don't. You've got to pay like $12 a night for it. Yeah, fuck that shit. Yeah, right? Pisses me off. Is it just that people who are staying in a nice hotel need Wi-Fi because they're obviously,

you know, successful? This is my theory. Like if you're staying at the Quality Inn. Right. You are. Or the Ramada. I was in a Ramada recently. Yeah, you're like just driving down the road and you see the sign that says,

brand I'm familiar with, free Wi-Fi. You pull in, you book your room. Gotcha. If you're staying at the Ritz-Carlton, you booked it way ahead of time, and money's already no object, so it doesn't matter that they're going to charge you some more money. That happened to me in New York City when I stayed in a fancy hotel courtesy of the Apple Computer Corporation. The Wi-Fi was super expensive, so I just didn't do it.

I was like, fuck this. Can we get back to my joke? Yeah, go for it. Okay, so great. Jordan, Jesse, go in Amherst. It was a huge success. If there's anybody out there in Oklahoma who wants to put us up, I really want to go because then the sign can read,

Jordan, Jesse, go Oklahoma. I'm glad we circled back around to that, Jordan. Yeah. I'm really happy about that. I would hate for that to get lost in that actual topic. Yeah, exactly. I guess free Wi-Fi isn't too interesting. It was a pleasure. Amherst is a nice little spot. Sure. Although I have to say, you know, I went to the Salvation Army. It was really big. Maybe it was a Goodwill. It was really big, but I didn't find anything worth buying. I'll tell you that right now, Jordan. Yeah. There's a lot of onesies. Yeah,

mostly just onesies, Jordan jordan you put a onesie on coco that'd be funny i want to put a dress on coco lately lately i've wanted to put a dress on coco no not a no not in a come back jesse wherever wherever it is you're driving turn around i just drove to the turn around they had isaac mizrahi dog dresses There And they were like $7.99 Seriously cut it out now I just wanted to get a little dress for my dog It would have been cute because it had a pink strawberry on it And it would have matched her little brown furs

What? Pink strawberry would have matched her Yeah pink and brown go nicely together Clothes and dogs Don't go nicely together Jesse Maybe the colors will look't go nicely together, Jesse. Maybe the colors will look nice, but the fact that the clothes are on a dog, that'll just look sad. How does Teresa feel about this?

People will know she's a pretty girl dog and not an angry boy dog, because sometimes people get confused. Oh, yeah. I want people to be like, oh, look at that cute, pretty little dog. Because I had to teach myself to think of her as a pretty little dog instead of like a dude type of little dog

because she's kind of brown, you know, and scruffy looking. And rowdy. And rowdy, yeah, absolutely. All of the above. Well, okay, so I'm not going to buy a dog for my dress. You know what I mean, Jordan? Yeah. It's just not going to happen.

All right. I was trying to say something. Do you remember what it was? Oh, go Oklahoma. Oh, yeah, go Oklahoma. Anyway, I feel like I had this super intense week since then. And these are some of the things I did. I bought a car from a lady.

I gave her a $1,000 deposit, and she was moving out of the country at the end of the week, so I said she could keep the car until the end of the week. That was nice of you. Yeah, oh yeah no absolutely i'm a nice guy you know i gave her a deposit she was a seemed like a stand-up lady and then the bitch sold the car to somebody else who offered her more after i gave her a thousand dollars and she put it in her bank account wow she gave me back the thousand dollars plus000 plus a little something to make up for putting myself out. Oh. $50.

Nice. Pretty good, right? I'll go towards the new Zune. Yeah, $50. Yeah, that was definitely worth me having Teresa drive across town during the middle of the day, in the middle of her school day in Los Angeles when I was flying out of the country to deliver a check for $1,000 to that lady. Totally. And it was definitely a fair cut of the $1,000 extra

that she made by fucking me over, too. Yeah, nice. You know, nice 50. Absolutely. What is that? 5%? Yeah, you're looking at 5% there. Not bad, man.

Perfectly fair. Sounds like you can create a little home business for yourself. That's an even split. In addition to the other home business you have. That's what they call a Huckleberry Finn even split. Sure. Wait, Tom Sawyer even split. I think it's called car flipping.

Is that what you're doing? Yeah, I think that's called car flipping. Yeah. I've only seen it on the Learning Channel to this point, but now I've done it. So then I bought a car, a different car, from a car dealership. First time I'd ever bought a car from a car dealership. That was weird, but I worked out okay. Now I have a convertible.

So I have this new convertible lifestyle now. Wow, how are you doing things different now that you have a convertible? Basically everything is 15% to 20% more awesome. Okay, but your actual to 20% more awesome. Okay. But your actual activities aren't any different. No, it's the same things, only amped up a little bit in the awesome department. Nice. So let's say I go to Trader Joe's.

Okay. Put the top down. Mm-hmm. What a sweet trip to Trader Joe's it is all of a sudden. Oh, okay. I see. All of a sudden, college girls are in bathrooms talking about how cute I am. Yeah. And everybody's working for the weekend is blasting out of your stereo. You bet your buttons.

Okay, so that happened to me. Okay. That's another thing that happened to me. One, one thing. The next thing that happened to me that was a really big thing is this. I had this childhood best friend, and he and I have been friends since uh i i was just because i'm opening a package of pocky doesn't mean i'm not listening to you yeah it does i'm sure your story about your we're on the air or whatever why are you reading those thing why would you eat on the air jordan because it got mailed to us oh yeah it'd be rude not to sorry i was thinking of something

talking about your uh big wheel jordan talking about big wheels j something else. Keep talking about your big wheel. Jordan. What are you talking about? Big wheels? Jordan, I was not talking about big wheels. Power wheels? Power wheels. Pow, pow, power wheels. Mm-hmm. That's what I was talking about. Sergeant Slaughter. I was talking about my buddy.

Oh, man. Engage. Jordan, I was just about to open my heart to you. What? I want to talk about the first ever video game console slash phone, Engage. Jordan, I was just about to open my heart to you. What? I want to talk about the first ever video game console slash phone. Engage. Jordan. What?

I really was about to open my heart. Oh, sorry. Open your heart. You're eating Pocky. Oh, I can't find it now. Okay, this whole time I've been trying to open my heart. You're either eating Pocky or forcing Pocky in between the cushions of my sofa with your butt. That's funny.

Sorry, keep going. So my best friend, we've been friends since I was two and he was one. He's a year younger than me. You were baby friends then. We were baby friends, yes. And then we were small child friends. Then we were high school friends. His dad died when we were 14 and 15 or 15 and 16, something like that. And when his dad died, I went and stayed at his house for a couple days.

Like that, we were very close friends. And we didn't talk so much during college because we were just not at home at the same times and stuff like that. And we both went to college pretty far from where we grew up. Where did he go? He went to Evergreen in Washington State. Okay. And I, of course, went to UC Santa Cruz in San Diego, I think. Yeah.

And anyway, a couple years ago, I graduated from school and we, I was done with school. He was, he had gone to some other things, but then he was home from school after a while. Cause you remember he's a year younger than me. Um, and I tried to call him at his mom's house, but he wasn't staying at his mom's house. His mom gave me this phone number. I called this phone number. It was just some other dude on the message machine saying, leave me a message. This is John. Leave me a message. So I didn't leave a message there. And it turns out that this phone number is just a guy who would take messages for my friend. But I didn't know that. I thought it was, you know, whatever it was. I thought it was just some dude and I had the wrong number. And then I was like, well, you know, he'll call or whatever.

Then I didn't talk to him for a while, which wasn't that weird because we, you know, we went to college and did not talk to each other all the time that much. And so one time, about two years ago, I called him on Thanksgiving because I knew he would be home on Thanksgiving. Mm-hmm. on Thanksgiving because I knew he would be home on Thanksgiving. And it turned out that he had taken my not calling him very personally. Okay. And he thought that I was, you know, basically wanting to cut him out of my life. Too cool for school. Yeah, exactly. Which was, couldn't have been further from the truth. But, you know, was totally real for him, trust me.

Sure. And he basically just told me off. Okay. On Thanksgiving, I'm standing upstairs at Teresa's parents' house talking on the phone to him, and he just let out a string of expletives at me and then hung up on me, basically. And then I just didn't talk to him for a long time.

Sure, you don't want to be cussed at. Yeah, no, I mean, after somebody tells you to go fuck yourself. And it was really weird because on the one hand, like I said, through college, it's not like we were talking on the phone every day. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But I, at the same time, I still thought of him as being my best friend. And basically, you know, like the way I think of him is just, is like as my brother.

So, um, it was, and, and, you know, like, like I said, I wouldn't talk to him every day, but I'd still thought of him that way. Absolutely. Without a doubt. And, uh, so it was weird because on the one hand it's not like it changed my life completely like my day-to-day life um because he was on the road with he's in a band and he's on the road with his band all the time so it's not like we would have been hanging out all the time otherwise you know what i mean um but it was just it was

really weird whenever i thought about that you know it would just, it was really weird. Whenever I thought about that, you know, it would just be a tremendous weight on me, as you can imagine. You know what I mean? Just really heavy to think my best friend like fucking hates me or whatever, you know? And I don't know, you know, I didn't know like what the deal was and, and I've always felt like, you know, like I could call him and talk to him about it maybe. Right. But that shit is so scary to do, Jordan. No, are you kidding? Addressing a problem is the worst, man.

I hate it. Oh, Jesus. It was so scary. And I tried to do it just a bunch of times. And I just couldn't do it. Because I didn't know what I was going to say. And I just couldn't do it. Like I, and cause I didn't, you know, I didn't know what I was going to say because like, you know, like I was, I was,

I was a little bit pissed off that he had told me off, but like, it wasn't mostly about him being, about me being pissed off at him. It was much more about me being just like scared that he hated me. Sure. You know what I mean? And wondering, like, just going back in my head,

like, should I have been different? Like, oh, I should have done something differently. Like, you know, I mean? And wondering, just going back in my head, should I have been different? Oh, I should have done something differently. I should have been more aggressive about calling him and being friends with him and that kind of stuff. And just feeling terrible because I knew that he wouldn't have done that if he didn't feel that way. But at the same time, I knew that that was just the last thing I would ever have done intentionally. You know what I mean? Gotcha. And then maybe a year ago, I was home in San Francisco and I was at the taco truck and he

came by on his bike and, uh, it was really, it was weird. It was a weird situation. Um, but he was like nice to me. Like I didn't know what he was going to be like, you know what I mean? Like I almost didn't like yell out to him. I saw him riding his bike. I almost didn't yell out to him because I was scared that he would be like, hey, fuck you, dude. He'd ride the bike into you. Yeah, exactly. Ride the bike into me. I thought he might have those kind of like, you know, like sometimes on a race car tire of kind of James Bond type race car has a thing that sticks out with blades.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So when it spins, the blades spin so it can, if it sidles up to you, it can destroy another car. Or in my case, it's just a person who's just trying to eat some tacos. And yell at you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I talked to him just for a minute and, you know, it was just like, hey, how are you doing? Good. You know, but then I didn't talk, I didn't call him again. I didn't call him. I didn't even have his number. We didn't call him again. I didn't call him. I didn't even have his number.

We didn't exchange numbers or anything. And I was planning my wedding, and I had already called. I mean, we called most of the people who I wanted to be bridesmaids. We called them on the air. You mean bridesmaids? No, I mean bridesmaids. Wait a minute.

You're a bridesmaid. You didn't know that? You have to get a pink dress. Any pink dress you want, but it has to be pink Okay, well as long as it's a pink dress I can wear again Because what I hate about being a bridesmaid Is that they make you buy that one Ugly taffeta dress

And it's just sitting in your closet No, I know what that's about I've been a bridesmaid Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, right here Well Who's going to be the bride? You or Teresa? Well, I guess I'm the bridesmaid so i guess you're the you're the bride no no you're or maybe i misexplained this oh you're the bride

i'm the bridesmaid teresa's the priest huh and you're marrying coco i am who i'm pretty sure is a boy dog i mean she's not wearing a dress i'm wait i'm marrying a dog continue yeah absolutely well they already have gay marriages yeah that's true you might as well just marry an america has officially uh slid on its ass down the slippery slope dog marriage not even the bride has to marry the dog it's the bridesmaid yeah that's how fucked up our society is so um but i just i was sitting and i we had a backup plan okay uh i we had this list of of groomsmen that we wanted theresa and i and uh and then there was a backup plan which is my brother brendan who's 12 uh is going to be the ring bearer um because heer because he's the cutest member of our family.

Sure. But I could have bumped him up. You could have bumped him to groomsmen. Yeah. I mean, I called all these groomsmen months ago. And then I had my friend on the list, and I just – and I didn't – because I didn't know if – like, I knew I wanted to call him. Sure. And ask him to be at my wedding. You know what I mean? How did you have his number still? I didn't. I didn't, because I didn't know if I, like, I knew I wanted to call him. Sure. And ask him to be at my wedding.

You know what I mean? How did you have his number still? I didn't. I didn't have his number. You would have to do some foraging. I mean, we were good enough friends that I still remember what his mom's phone number is. Oh, really? Yeah, I remember a couple of childhood friends' phone numbers, too.

But anyway, so the other day, a couple of weeks ago I called his mom and I left a message on her machine saying, Hey, it's, you know, it's Jesse. Uh, I was wondering if you had Petey's phone number. Um, uh, you want to call and, and give it to me. Here's my number. And then I didn't hear anything for a couple of weeks. Yeah. Yeah. And I was just, the whole family hates you. Yeah, exactly. I didn't, I had no idea. I was like, what is going on here? Like, I have no idea what's going on. And, um, you know, cause I, I, you know, I never had a bad relationship with his mom. Sure. And, um, and then she called the other day and, uh, she's like, sorry, we were, I was out of the country. I was in China and Vietnam for a few weeks. Oh, okay.

That'll do it. She was in Vietnam or something. She gave me his phone number and I called. I just like, I was like, when she called and gave me his phone number, it was actually his birthday. Okay. And I was like, okay, she just gave me his phone number. It's his birthday.

I got to call him right now. Like, if I don't call him right now, it's just not going to happen. Sure. Like, I don't even like calling people. I just don't like calling people on the phone. It creeps me out. Basically, anybody that's not expecting my call, I don't want to call them on the phone, except for Teresa and my parents.

That's basically it. Maybe sometimes you. I think I could probably call you without feeling nervous about it before I press the call button. But I sincerely feel nervous about calling anyone on the phone. Gotcha. This is not an uncommon issue. I think people have this in their lives.

Yeah. They're called Quakers. Yeah. Amish? Quakers can use the phone, right? Yeah. Quakers can do whatever they want. They just love peace.

Oh, okay. Oh, and not killing bugs. No, that's certain Buddhists. Depends on what part of the Buddhist tradition. Some Buddhists believe that all creatures can be reincarnated. Some believe it's just people.

I agree that that remark would have been funnier if I would have said Amish. I just thought it was a pun because of quaking. Oh. No, no, no. Let's I just assumed it was a pun. No, no, no. Let's say pun. A silly pun.

Let's say pun. You know, that Jesse's really handsome, but Jordan... Anyway, so I called him up, and it went pretty good. I told him... I basically just laid it out there, dude. I just told him, you know, I told him, hey, you know, I know we haven't talked and I know we had a hard time, but, you know. Very mature. And, you know, I basically just told him that, you know, I thought of him like a brother,

and I had a hard time imagining getting married without having him there. And he was actually really happy about it. He was, like, really honored by it. Good, good, good. And it was so hard, Jordan. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Hey, I feel feel you it was really really tough and scary and when it was done i was just so happy and then we complained about

the gentrification of the mission for a while to each other oh no okay so that gave us a good kind of solid that's always been something we can always fall back on you know you just called him said hey dude big dank big? Jordan, look at my eyes. I have never felt more Big Dank than when I hung up that telephone. Wow. Anyway, it worked out okay, man. It was, oh, boy. It was really like the most emotionally difficult and draining thing

that I've ever done in my entire life. I was so scary. I was so scared. and I just did it. And I just, if you, if you're in a situation like this with somebody, and I feel like these things just gain more and more and more weight as the time goes on, you know what I mean? And they become also become easier and easier to, to just ignore and pretend that they're, you know, never, whatever. Just if you're out there and you're in this situation, you know, like I did it and it, and it was okay, you know, like it's settled now, it's fine. And, and now I get to have, you know,

my brother in my, in my wedding, you know what I mean? And you'll see him when I'm, when I'm home in San Francisco in a couple of weeks. So, you know, if you're in, if you're in that position, you know, you can just do it. It's super hard, but you can just do it. Just think of what, you know, think what the coop would do. You know what I mean? Get a little Cristal, big tank, old school on twenties. You know what I mean, Jordan? Mull. You just imagine yourself as the first motherfucker who was on tv the first motherfucker on hbl the first motherfucker on showtime at the

apollo i'm glad he distinguished between tv and hbl yeah as their old slogan from a number of years ago yeah reads exactly exactly jordan jordan how do you feel about the fact that we've been to the house of the new boss of HBO? Have we? Oh, right. We totally have. Yeah, we went to her house one time. We were invited to a party at her house. It was a fancy Hollywood party. We went there and were a little bit awkward. Sure, absolutely. But we enjoyed ourselves, had some canapes. Sure.

We are in with HBO. We looked at her and her husband's extensive Planet of the Apes memorabilia. Do you want to pitch something to HBO? Yeah, it's a show with swearing. Yeah, it's like a traditional television show. Add swearing. Boom, a little bit of nudity? Yeah, absolutely.

Once an episode, one nudity per episode. You got it. Oh, also it's just more tales from the crypt. Have you ever watched the show, speaking of nudity per episode, have you ever watched the show Californication? Oh yeah. You know, I, I, uh, yeah, I, I, I knew one of the nude women on Californication. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic. It was actually the only episode I had ever seen. I'm like, oh, there's that, uh, there's that woman I know. Oh, wow. I've seen that show, many of the episodes of that show. That show is distinguished by the fact that David Duchovny is just a TV star through and through.

Sure. Ab's 1,000% a TV star. I was never a fan of The X-Files, but that David Duchovny, he's a winner. And it's very well acted by everyone, but it is not a good show no it is not a good show ultimately at the end of the day not a good show good it goes some great performances from a very strong cast very very very awful precocious child probably the worst child on tv since webster yeah like it is just brutal worse than the precocious child from TV since Webster. Yeah. Like, it is just brutal. Worse than the precocious child from Virtuosity.

Oh, man. Well, I feel like I've taken a thousand weights off my shoulder just talking about the weights that I took off my shoulders. Yeah, man. That's what podcasts are all about. You're floating away. You're floating to the ceiling. That's what podcasts are all about, right? Yeah.

When I got into podcasting, I knew that I would be able to talk about the deep emotional traumas of my life. Sure. And then I i would get foreign candy and that was enough for me you know what i mean i don't need to be in some big media conglomerate to get those you know what i mean we don't need to be a streaming on msn.com we're streaming on msn.com we're not i'm saying we don't need to oh i quit fuck this? We're not streaming on MSN.com? I didn't know streaming on MSN.com was so important to you. It's the Microsoft network, Jordan. Yeah.

That's not important to you? No, whatever, man. I'll stream anywhere I want to. Go stream yourself. Wow. To think that I thought you were Big Dank. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Jordan, I went to the movies this week. Did you? I wanted to see that. Dot com? Yeah, well, I want to see that dot com. Okay. I was one of the sponsors of Jordan, Jesse, go, Jordan.

This is an internet website. You tell it what movies you want to go see. It helps you go see them with your pals, your friends, Jordan. You go to I want to see that dot com. You click on the movies you want to see, and then it tells you which friends want to go see the movies you clicked on. Now, Jordan. Yes.

Let's just say I'm looking for entertainment. Mm-hmm. I don't want to go to the movies. I don't want to see that. Wait, so you're saying you're just, you don't have two hours, you know, three hours, including travel time. I'm uncomfortable leaving the internet behind sure that's what i'm saying i can't leave my keyboard entertainment on the

internet i'm the kind of internet addicted nerd who probably spends all day making and listening to podcasts yeah what what kind of website might i want to visit? I'll tell you right now, blueshat.net. Blueshat.net. What can I find there at that particular website? What can't you find at that website? I'm talking, it is a conglomeration of popular web comics. Okay. So there's hilarious web comics there. Would you say it's a hub? I would say it's a hub.

So you're telling me it's a hub? I would say... Hub, hub hub hub blueshat.net is to the world of web comics as denver international airport is to the rocky mountain region wow it's a hub blueshat.net also has the two mustaches podcast wow that's a podcast that's probably about mustaches judging by the title you're obviously a fan of podcasts i'm a fan of podcasts and to be honest i'm not that fictional guy that you just described so i'm all about i want to see that.net.com come blues hat.net

blues hat.net i want to see that.com our generous sponsors here on Jordan and Jesse Go We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go Jordan and Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris, boy detective Jordan? Yes I feel I'm a very empathic guy Sure feel i'm a very empathic guy sure um i'm like the uh lady with the big hair on star trek the

next generation the dark the big dark hair you know i never watched i've never watched any star trek thing extensively i've seen star trek movies two and four well four is the only one you need to see the movies they save the whales i guess I've seen The Undiscovered Country, too. No, the one you want to see is Star Trek 4. Star Trek saves the whales. Yeah. In San Francisco, specifically. Yeah, not in space.

Or it might be a little more interesting. That's the one that brings Star Trek into the genre that it should have been working in the whole time. Fish out of water comedy. Yeah, you're right. Man, I really like Star Trek 4. I watched maybe like two years ago. Teresa and I were babysitting Teresa's kid brother. So I made Teresa read Star Trek 4

and we watched it and I still like it. I totally still like it. I think that might be... It's boring. I think I saw star trek one but i think the only ones i've seen are star trek one and star trek four i really don't have any fondness for star trek the tv show but uh man do i like star trek four maybe it's just because it's the only movie i saw as a child that was set in san francisco okay so that was just like

really exciting to me at the time anyway that's why I love Mission Viejo Board of Tourism video. What about Jesse's family, Jesse Visits His Grandparents' Home Movie? Oh, yeah. You love that one, right? I thought it was a little... Your favorite part was when Jesse's grandpa had to to jesse that there weren't any bunnies in the neighborhood anymore because they had to poison them because they were eating people's lawns wow why was he filming that

um why was he filming that potentially traumatic uh revelation to masturbate to later oh i see so he's a sex pervert then. Yeah, absolutely. He was. He's passed on now. May he rest in peace. Oh, sure. It's pervert's coffin. My grandfather was not a pervert. No, no.

As far as I know. No, what I'm saying is, like the lady with the big pile of dark hair that wasn't Whoopi Goldberg on Star Trek The Next Generation. Right. I'm very empathetic. And I feel like you have been traumatized lately.

Oh, yeah. And I wonder if, I don't know, I just, I can't quite. No, no, sure, sure. And this isn't even lately. I hear melodies, but. Yeah. This is a musical-based trauma. And this isn't just lately.

This is my entire life. But I've only been able to kind of put my finger on how much this bothers me and it's um go ahead i'll be eating a lab and sure sure there is i'll probably space out and won't pay attention because i'm eating this lab and fair enough i'm just gonna i'm just gonna gab um so okay everywhere you go basically there's music piped in right every commercial place you go to, basically there's music piped in, right? Every commercial place you go to, there's some music being piped in. Walmart. Yeah. Walmart, for instance, Jiffy Lube. Sure. Absolutely. The Lube. Cold Stone Creamery. Is it cool that I call it the Lube? Yeah, it's fine. Okay. Um, so yes, everywhere there's some music being piped in and I don't, I don't know

if you, you know, the two of us are intelligent guys. We have, you know, kind of reasonably good taste in things. You're right. I mean, the two of us are, we're both intelligent. Sure. I'm handsome. Right. I'm blah.

Anyways, but, and maybe you have been able to transcend the mindset to where a cheesy, melodramatic pop song doesn't get to you. But to me, I don't know. I'll say this, Jordan. Yes. I still get really happy and excited when one of my favorite pop tunes, Brand New Jones by Robin Thicke, comes on in the Nordstrom Rack. Okay. Which it does with surprising regularity. Yeah, I worked in Nordstrom for a while.

They have like eight songs they play throughout the day. They have to sign on eight songs. Yeah. Anyways, but I feel like when the piped-in music is super emotional, that is equal. It's a kind of emotional terrorism, I feel like. It's like I'm just at a place. I'm just at Nordstrom Rack.

Like, I am just at Target. I don't want to have an intense feeling. I don't like them. Like, I don't like having an intense feeling, period. I would rather not do it. You want to insulate yourself from emotion. I want to keep neutral. I want sameness, you know, regularity.

I do not like having intense emotions. And I feel like when I'm in a place and the first cut is the deepest comes on. It's like, this isn't fair. This isn't fucking fair. Like, I'm not, I did not buy into this. Like, I'm here to buy socks. Like, I'm not here to you know okay here here's here's three songs i could do without okay ever being piped in somewhere again number

three first cut at the deepest already mentioned don't know who sings it i think it's natalie imbruglia can you sing a little bit of it for us? The first cut is the deepest. Baby's in a pew. There you go. Okay, number two. The John Mayer tune, Your Body is a Wonderland. What's wrong with that? It has a sweet song about wonderlands.

It reminds one how long it's been since one has had sex. And, you know, congratulations if you're having frequent sex, but not everyone always is. So let's just out with that. And, God, what's in the third one? Can you sing a little bit of the John Mayer tune for me? No, everybody knows that. I can't think of how it goes.

And the third is Total Eclipse of the Heart. Now, which song is the John Mayer tune for me? No, everybody knows that. I can't think of how it goes. And the third is Total Eclipse of the Heart. Now, which song is the John Mayer one? How does that go? Your Body's a Wonderland. Your Body's a Wonderland. It's not ringing any bells. Look it up on YouTube. I'm not going to sing. Maybe if I heard the melody just for a second, it would ring some bells. That's fine. Just look it up

on the internet. John Mayer. And the third is Total Eclipse of the Heart. Is that M-a-y-o-r yes john mayer what exactly of what exactly is he the mayor sittington sittington okay and the final song uh the total eclipse of the heart now that is that's just like that song i do know that's from that's that's from a little shop Horrors, the musical. Yes. Total eclipse of the heart. Mm-hmm.

Right? It's sung by Rick Moranis. Yeah. No, I know that one. And John Candy as DJ, fat DJ. Yeah, yeah. And that's just, here you go, here, have an emotion. Like, okay, maybe we can agree on some songs that that's just, here you go, here, have an emotion. Like, I don't, like, okay.

Let's, maybe we can agree on some songs that it's okay to be piped in places. Some nice neutral songs. Brand New Jones by Robin Thicke. Never heard it? Fine. Celebrate by Kool and the Gang. Okay, go ahead. I've got a brand new Jones that nobody even knows. I could be, it's gone, it's gone it's my thing my thing all alone great

um it's the beatles meets the jackson five my friend that's a classic pop track cheeseburger in paradise how does that go cheeseburger in paradise something something something side of fries it's not a real song it's a jimmy buffett, side of fries. It's not a real song. It's a Jimmy Buffett song. I'm pretty sure that's not a real song. It's about eating a cheeseburger in paradise, and I'm fine with it. Why wouldn't you eat, when in Rome, do as the Romans? If I was in paradise, I'd have some mahi-mahi. Some star fruits. Yeah, exactly. Bread fruits. Yeah, I'd have a bread fruit. I'd have a taste of the foul-smelling but delicious durian. Toucan meat.

Native women. Sorry. Yeah. Thank you for not saying pussies, by the way. Yeah. Native women's pussies. I didn't even mean to imply native women's pussies. It was implied.

Well, it wasn't my intent. Thank you for not saying it. I'm glad no one had to hear that. What about this? What? Are you familiar with the big fat Hawaiian guy called Iz? Are you going to say that? No, I know what you're talking about. Is it his famous cover of the Louis Armstrong song?

Absolutely not. Yeah, no fucking way. It's his much less famous song about Hawaiian sumo wrestlers who are having success in Japan that goes, Akebono Masashimaru Yenkonapan that goes i'm fine with that too anything japanese anything across the sea yep that's great man big fat hawaiian guy his career has been reduced to that cover of what a wonderful world uh mixed with the song from The Wizard of Oz. But man, Big Fat Hawaiian Guy was great. Yeah, no, that sounds fine.

All of these songs can play in Ross Dress for Less, as far as I'm concerned. Had some cool songs about Hawaiian sovereignty. Yeah? Yeah, no, totally. That guy's awesome. He should pick up one of his albums sometime. Okay. Yeah, at some point, my dad used to live in Hawaii, went back to Hawaii and spent some

time there, and he went to a record store and uh asked them to sell him some of uh whatever was hot in hawaii at the time and in the uh is uh his real name is a complicated hawaiian name like israel kawahaka blah blah but they call them is sure um was was hot at the time. So my dad brought home some big fat Hawaiian guy tapes. He was very, very fat. He was real fat. I don't feel like I'm speaking out of school when I call him, but he was definitely Hawaiian and enormously fat. He was a former sumo wrestler.

He sang like an angel. Okay, but I have actually, it's funny that we bring this up. Completely unplanned, I promise you. We got a call here. Hi, the grocery store and Rufus Wainwright is playing on the intercom I kind of can't believe it I'm kind of freaking out and I didn't know who else to call so now you're a witness to Rufus Wainwright in public in Fort Lauderdale. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. I thought homosexuals were illegal

in Fort Lauderdale. Hacha! Took that guy down a peg. I didn't mean to take it down. Now you just have eight other Wainwrights to set in your sights. Especially since Judd Apatow insists on uh taking loudon wainwright up a peg sure with every every step of hollywood success he has but i feel the same way when i hear

the robin thicke song brand new jones which by the way is about masturbating uh is it yeah sure his brand new jones when his baby's, is that he can do his own thing. That's masturbating, Jordan. It seems like it... I mean, I've never heard the song, but it seems like maybe it would mean casual sex. No, no, no. It means masturbating.

Trust me. All right. It means masturbating. Is he making the masturbating motion in the video? He makes the masturbating motion on the cover of the thing. It's like a Sport Flix baseball card. Oh, okay. It's one a Sport Flicks baseball card. Oh, okay.

It's one of those things where you turn it side to side. You can watch Alan Thicke's son jack off. You know what? I want to take this opportunity to let people know that if they want to hear a great pop R&B record, just a truly spectacular record, they should run, not walk, to get a copy of Robin Thicke's first CD. His second CD was also good,

the one that had the big hit single on it, but his first CD is just really fantastic, just really great, and I say that with all sincerity. Well, congratulations. Thanks. I just want people to know that because one time,

you may remember, I think you were there, one time we were riding in a car with Lauren, your housemate, our compatriot in Prank the Dean. Sure. I suggested that she might enjoy the first Robin Thicke CD. She laughed at me because she...

Because it's a gay thing to say. Yeah, and because she didn't believe that I was... She thought I was making fun of her. Oh, right. So she should laugh at me first, you know what I mean, as a defensive mechanism. Sure. When in fact, I'm totally sincere. I love that CDd one of my faves well i love it when he used to have that big goofy head of hair he took it off so he would look more handsome that's good it's

fine it's cool it's cool jordan it's cool sounds cool did you know that alan thick wrote the different stroke song did he yeah you know the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. Alan Thicke wrote that. Really? Yeah, he's a lot more than you think. Triple threat. Yeah, absolutely. Songwriting, acting, vomiting on command.

Who knew? He doesn't even need a sour plum. No, man can vomit just by thinking of it. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Moore's boy detective. Jordan, are you familiar with the telephone club? Yep.

I'll tell you what a telephone club is, Jordan. A telephone club is where you take phone calls from your audience of loyal listeners. Great. Let's do it. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, this is Ashley from Texas, and you asked us to call anytime anything momentous happens. And I've got some girls here, and they want to tell you what happened. So I'm going to let them go ahead. Go ahead, girls. So I'm going to let them go ahead. Go ahead, girls. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Jesse. We're the Cactus Cuties, and we were just on Cory in the House. Woo! Cory in the House. Y'all have a great day. Ho-ho! Yes. Okay, awesome.

Charming Southern accents, one. Yeah. Great. Two, Disney Channel show about, I guess, I think, based on the posters I've seen at the Grove, hip-hop kid who somehow lives in the White House. Oh, wow, I had no idea. Yeah, I think that's where Cory in Da House is.

I'm glad that you clarified for me, because I thought they were just saying nonsense words. I just wanted to play it because Ashley from Texas, that's our official caller. She obviously rented up some children to do something. So I thought that was enough reason. But now that I hear that there's a Disney channel involved. Yeah, and a sassy hip-hop kid who... How would you compare this program to That's So Raven?

It's not quite as raven. Okay, gotcha. But it's not entirely un-raven. Would you say it's somewhat raven? Yeah, it's modestly raven. It's more raven than most things on TV. Absolutely. I mean okay not as

much as not as much as say some other shows that maybe they're not that so raven but like er is pretty raven yeah because it's got kubiak from parker lewis can't lose on it sure hi guys um i'm a high school senior and i thought you know since y'all talk about parodies of things and things that are parodies of themselves, rather, a lot, I would bring one up. I just went to the admitted students panel discussion for Harvard at the Harvard Club in New York, and that club was definitely a parody of an Ivy League dwelling. You know, the ceiling was way too high. There were a lot of, there was a lot of rel velvet, I can't talk, I'm so struck by this.

There was a lot of red velvet, a lot of gold engravings in the wood, cathedral-sized windows, etc. One of the highlights was the gigantic elephant head on the wall, which I think was fake, but still. And the other was when, during the panel discussion, one girl was asked why she chose Harvard, and her response was, well, at first, I just knew I wanted to go to any Ivy League school, but Harvard quickly rose to the top.

And I thought that was pretty great. So I thought I'd share it with you guys. Sorry for the momentary speech impediment. Wow. The Harvard Club, Jordan. Yes. The Harvard Club does sound nice, but I got to be honest, I don't know if it sounds as nice as the uc santa

cruz club we've spent a lot of time here at the at the uc santa cruz club here in los angeles yeah yeah it's really nice i mean it's really fantastic it's a place where gentlemen can hang out absolutely and do some peyote sure you know chew on uh peyote stump do you chew on peyote you eat peyote right yeah I think you eat it. I certainly, when I've done it, I've eaten it. Yeah. There's bowls of peyote at the UC Santa Cruz Club. Just next to the big leather armchairs.

Absolutely, big leather armchairs, which, by the way, stuffed entirely with hacky sacks. Yeah. It is an amazing club, the UCSC club. It's very nice. Very exclusive. Only mid-level civil servants. You know, the kind of high-class people who went to UC Santa Cruz.

You know what I'm saying? People who are really into blowing their own glass. Yeah. Freelance journalists at small local newspapers. Just the kind of creme de la creme. People who took a few years off to backpack around South America. Exactly. People who sell...

Just, you know, do their own thing. People who sell Hope dolls on the streets of Berkeley. These are the kind of people, this is the kind of exclusive clientele that you'll find at the UC Santa Cruz Club. We're very proud. I'm so proud to be a member. Can I be serious with you for a minute, Jordan?

Sure. There are two conflicting, there are two primary conflicting forces in my life. Okay. You'd think they would be like... Coco? Yeah. You'd think they would be Coco and Teresa or something like that.

No, not at all. I would hope it's not your girlfriend and your dog. The two conflicting forces in my life are, one, the almost unfathomable desire to belong to a social club where I can sit in a club chair, is surrounded by walls covered in books, and order a poor person to bring me something. And number two, just overwhelming, simmering class resentment.

Just anger at the ruling class. Bitterness about people who are richer than I am. I don't know how you're going to reconcile that, honestly. I'm going to ask this question. Okay. The other day I met someone who knew people who belonged to a social club. If you're out there and you belong to a social club or you've ever been to a social club,

give us a call and tell us what it's like. Sure. Tell us if you've ever, like, you know they like bring you a cigar yeah a humidor they have a little maybe they have a walk-in humidor they probably do they probably have a walk-in almost certainly i think there's social clubs where you just have to drop a couple hundred bucks and you can be in it yeah i think so would you smoke a cigar you wouldn't smoke a cigar no absolutely not that's one of the other things. You wouldn't puff on a pipe either. No, the things you do at a social club are things.

You have a high ball. They'd bring you like a scotch on the rocks as well. That's the main other thing they would do, and I wouldn't care to do that. Yeah. But I would still like it if they brought me, say, a caffeine-free Dr. Pepper. I bet they would order it for me. If that's the beverage I like, they would order me caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, which is tough to find in stores.

Whenever Mr. Thorne comes in. Exactly. Wants to do a little reading. That's one place where I would like to do a little reading, or perhaps even, if it's an up-to-date club, a little blogging. Well. Blogging from the club this afternoon. Oh, by the way, Twitter friends, I'm at the club today.

And then? And then a joke that would make them enjoy my Twitters. Gotcha. Jordan. Yes, Jesse. Last week on the program, two weeks ago on the program, I should say, we got a call from a celebrity's wife, Mrs. Ira Glass. She identified herself as Ira Glass's wife.

Now, there are two things I'd like to follow up on. Number one, she made it absolutely clear no one should send Ira Glass Katamari Damacy. He already has it. He already has it. But chooses not to play it, only plays Soul Calibur 2. Exactly. I don't know.

Oh, maybe he just plays Soul Calibur 2 out for the PlayStation 2? I couldn't tell you. Oh, it is. know, maybe he just plays Soul Calibur 2 out for the PlayStation 2? I couldn't tell you. Oh, it is. Okay, fair enough. Number two thing to follow up on that little fact. She's not the only celebrity's wife who's called into this program. Oh, my gosh. Perk up your ears, sir.

Hillary Clinton? For we have another. Hi, this is Richard Dreyfuss' wife. I'm calling to tell you that the hot dog you bought at the Wiener factory was a Polish dog with some red cabbage and sauerkraut. There was some speculation. Actually, it wasn't for him. It was a wedding present for his co-star, Robert Shaw.

We're still friendly with the Shaws. Thank you. Ah! Inside! Nice. still friendly with the shawls um thank you inside nice that's what's called a home run jordan in baseball we call that a home run yeah speaking of sports momentous occasion hey jordan hey jesse hey go uh rick in milwaukee just calling because i've had a bit of a monumental occasion of the negative variety. Just lost my job with the professional basketball team in the city of Milwaukee. Let go today. And I don't have any other prospects right now. Not really sure what I'm going to do in terms of getting a job.

So that's the monumental occasion here. It seems to me like if I were in his position, just got fired from the Milwaukee Bucks, I would not panic. Right. I'll tell you why. I think he could probably get a job working for the team that plays against the Harlem Globetrotters. I think they're called the Springfield Generals or something like that. Because I feel like, you know, you can fall a long way, but it would be tough to fall below that team

because they lose every time. Milwaukee Bucks? Milwaukee Bucks do not have a storied history in basketball. I mean, they've had some up moments, but generally they've been a poor club. But they're not as poor as the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters, which I believe are called the Springfield Generals, although I'm not sure. So that's what I would recommend for him. He sounded like he could use some advice.

That's why. That was nice of you. You're out of work. Sometimes you need a little advice. Are they lovable losers, the Bucks? Are they like the Cubs? No, I don't little advice. Are they lovable losers, the Bucs? Are they like, you know, the Cubs? No, I don't think they've been very lovable in their history either. Not well-liked.

They may be good at this point because they did, after a particularly horrible period, they got a bunch of early draft picks. But I don't follow basketball closely enough. I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was on the Milwaukee Bucs at some point before he was on the Lakers. Gotcha. You Lakers in the late 60s, early 70s. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. I'm calling, this is John, I'm calling from federal property with a momentous occasion. I'm at the headquarters of the Food and Drug Administration in Rockville, Maryland.

I'm sitting in the parking lot, more specifically, where I was just offered a job. I don't know how momentous that is. It was a very high-paying job, so that's what makes it momentous. I'll tell you what makes it momentous. Federal property. That's all I need to hear. Yeah. If you're talking about federal property, this is serious business. Sure. Absolutely 1,000% big stuff. This is a callback to something? Yeah, of course. What? God, Jordan, it's a callback to your anecdote that I had to tell because you couldn't remember it. Federal property, I get it. Okay, now I want to be clear about one other thing. I think it is impossible to overstate the importance of the Food and Drug Administration. Absolutely.

These are the only people who stand between us and the Chinese who want to pour lead into our babies. Yes. If it wasn't for these people, we would eat ants. Exactly. We would have nothing but ants to eat. Because there would be nobody to tell us. Don't eat those. Not food. Jordan, Jesse, this is Braden. Momentous occasion. I just went out to my garage

to get some stuff out of the car and a bunny crawls out from under the car. Don't know where it came from. Don't even know what gender it is yet because I'm so excited and making preparations for the bunny to now be my bunny. But, yeah, I have a new bunny. So, moment of occasion. Thanks. Haven't we covered this on the podcast before?

I feel like there are lessons we are teaching here that you, in the case of federal property, and our audience, in this case, are not understanding. in this case are not understanding when you find a bunny when you rescue it from certain death here are a few things that this guy apparently doesn't seem to know okay number one i know where it came from a mommy bunny sure number two the bunny cabbage patch number two you don't make preparations for it to be your bunny jordan because it doesn't belong to you. It belongs to a- It's on a calendar, right? No, it belongs to a string of six or eight Mexican-American children who come from down the block

and say they're pretty sure it's their cousin's bunny. At least that was my experience. That was my experience when I put out a sign that said lost bunny slash kaneho when i myself along with some help from uh jim ray all the master of would you rather rescued a bunny from certain death as i was graduating from university slash college and this guy can't get that through his thick head this bunny doesn't belong to him this bunny belongs to those mexican babies yeah what are they

gonna play with they're so adorable jordan they all pick each of them picks up a little part of the box that the bunny is in he should be keeping it in a big box by the way yeah each of the mexican babies will take a small portion who will take a small portion of the box and carry it back to their home where their cousin will surely identify for certain whether it is his bunny that got loose. Oh, man. Are we done? I'm done-zo. I feel like that guy's learned his lesson, right? Speaking of learning your lesson, Jordan.

Jordan, Jesse, go. This is Brian back in business lane with a momentous occasion. Hey, it's about 3 in the morning, and I am walking to the emergency room because I got angry and punched my refrigerator, and now I have a broken hand. I've got an extra knuckle and a little dimple, where a previous knuckle existed. And I have a lot of health insurance.

That's learning your lesson, Jordan. Yes. Just because we laughed and joked the other day on the show about punching walls when you're angry. He's walking to the emergency room. I see him trudging through the snow. I guess it's not snowing many places in April. Yeah, it's snowing where he lives.

He lives in Newfoundland. Right, there's a cell phone under between his shoulder and his ear. Oh, yeah, he was probably talking on his cell phone, so that rules out Newfoundland. Right. There's like a cell phone under, like under between his shoulder and his ear. Oh yeah, he was probably talking on his cell phone so that rules out Newfoundland. Yeah.

I don't think they have cell phones there. Nah. This is a good thing that I've learned since I went to college because we, it's,

just because eroticus does it, doesn't mean you should do it. My freshman year roommate, Mike, better known

by his nickname Eroticus, once punched a hole through a wall. That's when I knew that I should never punch a hole through the wall. No. Because I'm no Eroticus, you know what I mean? Man, extra knuckle. My favorite movie is Pee-wee's Big Adventure. It's not The Phantom of the Paradise.

I don't know what that is. That's Eroticus' favorite movie. Oh, okay. I didn't know him that well i can't play along okay fine i miss him jordan yeah he sounds nice is he gonna be in the wedding he's gonna be at the wedding he's not gonna be in the wedding okay i mean i'm inviting him to the wedding i hope he comes right he'd probably ruin it if he was in it you have to come all the way from hayward so well that's a that's a hall yeah i know traffic too geez you know home of csu east bay yeah the

california state university that was so embarrassed of hayward they changed its name from csu hayward to csu east bay yeah they were afraid all it uh all it taught was mini truck it was the only class csu hayward was mini truck they just didn't want to be associated with eroticist Jordan. That's what it was about. They thought that people would just think that the thing was all about punching holes in walls and got upset. We'll be back in just a second

on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Number one, Jordan, quit complaining. Yes. Okay, that's number one. All right.

Just straight out. I'm shutting my trap. Quit complaining, Jordan. I'm just saying I do not like the state of affairs. Just because we may have gotten some birthday presents in the mail doesn't mean we should open them yet. I want presents. It does not mean that we should open them yet, Jordan. When's your birthday the mail. Oh, man. Doesn't mean we should open them yet. I want presents. It does not mean that we should open them yet, Jordan.

When's your birthday? April 24th, Thursday. Oh, shit. All right. I was going to say, if yours is past, then... No, it's not. We're going to open our presents. Some listeners from the message board were kind enough to provide us with some birthday

presents and some birthday party supplies. We're not going to open them yet, Jordan. Okay. Okay. Is that okay? This week we opened all these candies. Okay. Okay. All right. Action items for this week, Jordan. Shoot. Number one, if you have ever belonged to a social club or even just been to a social club, can you call us and tell us what it was like? Pithily, of course. Absolutely. Number two. This is one that I've been thinking about

since these candies started arriving in the mail. You may remember that originally the reason these candies came was because a guy in Iceland, he didn't have any money to give us, but his buddy worked in a candy factory and thus could steal candy from the factory. In the urban parlance

if you're say a ghetto person from the eastmont mall right this is known as having the hookup okay sure um it's not having a hookup that's doing a sex doing a sex yeah that's that's what they call doing a sex in the urban parlance. In this case, it's having the hookup. Now, it occurred to me, we have thousands of listeners on this program, Jordan. Right. Each of them has an occupation. Each of them has hobbies. Each of them has friends who have occupations.

Do you see where I'm going with this, Jordan? Yes. We want the hookup. Yeah. What can your friend get for free? What can you get? What can your friend get? Here I'm going to throw in I'm going to put my feet

You hadn't told me about this Here's what you do Okay Get your friend or you Or whoever has the hookup. Whoever's got the hookup. Send it to us. Yeah. I've got a little bit of a hookup myself.

Okay. I'll send you a bunch of Fuel TV shit. Wow. I will send you, just make sure to put a return address. You're offering to reciprocate the hookup. I am. And I have, at my office, I have at my office, I have fuel TV shit. I have envelopes, uh, and I have mailing supplies and free postage.

So yes, we put included return address. You'll get yourself some fuel TV shit. Maybe some shit the video game companies send me. Movie companies. I got, I got, I got, I got swag. I have a certain kind of hookup. I'm email friends with Ira Glass's wife. There you go. I'll tell you what she's like. In my experience, cordial. Sure. Oh, shit. I wasn't supposed to spill the beans before I got the hookup.

Man, now they're not going to send us stuff. Okay, if you hook us up with something good, I'll send you a San Diego America sticker. I can hook you up with that. Hopefully your friend works at a dildo store. Yeah, we need dildos. To put our butt oh not just my butt sure i mean we'll start with putting one in my butt i'm also gonna put a urethra yeah i've been up into my urethra i wouldn't want to put a large one in there but a mid-size okay our compact a four-door sob a coop you don't want no humvee no no absolutely not i don't want to put a hummer in my urethra no i don't want a hummer anywhere nice hatchback jordan speaking of uh

business boy business i just have this really quick thing I want to bring up before we leave. Sure. You saw the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I did. Our opinions on this movie differed greatly, but that's not what I want to talk about. I enjoyed it much more than you did. Yeah.

What I want to talk about is... I'm a man without a country, by the way. Everyone loved that movie. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was very funny. And Veronica Mars was in it. Yeah. She was really charming attractive the lady from that 70s show was very good i think i think we agree on that i i thought that's not what this

is about okay this is not about that jordan wasn't funny though i don't laugh at anything this is about dongs okay oh sure or as i like to call them now dongers sure so we were promised to that we would see the donger of the lead actor in this movie and we did see it but i felt like it was a jip because i thought the whole thing was this is going to be the dong movie this is where he really says says dongage is you know what i'm all about here right but they But they just flashed the dongage. Yeah. It was just like flashed. They flashed it a couple times,

but it was so brief that I barely even saw what kind of dong he had. Did you see Walk Hard? No, I didn't see Walk Hard. There's a pretty reasonable... A dong gets some pretty reasonable screen time in that. Okay, well, I'll watch that one. Anyways, you should see walk hard

walk hard it's funny i'll go and i'll go back and uh you know watch a few other dong classics um but i mean i just kind of felt like should i have said king dong there yes i didn't i was like ah shit i just felt like king dong look jordan okay i have my own dong i'm uh i'm not interested in dong sexually sure i don't need any dongage or dongers in my life all i'm saying is if you're gonna talk about all this dongage you're gonna have in the movie show the dong you know on the bar don't just flash the dong. Gotcha. It's not like he had it for a rate. Maybe they legally couldn't flash the dong. Unless they wanted some kind of NC-17.

What's there, some kind of anti-dong law? Well, I mean, if you want it, it's the rating board. What kind of fucked up law is that? If you get an NC-17, the movie's not going to make any money. It's a beautiful part of a man's body. You can't advertise it in certain newspapers. Jordan, if there were no dongs in movies, how would the actors urinate? You can't run commercials after 10. How would the male actors urinate if there were no dongs in movies, how would the actors urinate? You can't run commercials after 10.

How would the male actors urinate if there were no dongs in movies? Riddle me that. Hey, I just know what I learned from... Do you think they hold it the whole time they shoot for weeks? Movie book. Well, I guess if you've read movie book... I've read movie book, so...

Shut your fucking trap. And of course, if anything momentous happens to you or anything 206-984-4FUN Is the number to call 206-984-4FUN Yeah you're going to see Harold and Kumar 2 Is that have dong in it? I don't know

I think it has boobs in it I just assumed that's why you brought it up I was kind of disappointed that there weren't any boobs in this movie too Forgetting Sarah Marshall There's no boobs in there See that picture of't any boobs in this movie, too. They're forgetting Sarah Marshall. A little. There's no boobs in there. You see that picture of 70 Shows boobs? Oh, yeah, you do see that picture of the boobs. Yeah.

I guess, it's funny, I never found Veronica Mars attractive on Veronica Mars, but in that movie I found her really attractive and I wanted to see her boobs. But I didn't see them. They don't show them. No. But I did get to see a little bit of that one dude's dong, so that was good. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you know, you get to see... Oh, you know what I liked? I liked seeing... You kind of... I forget the degree to which she's naked, but Tammy Little Nut from Strangers with Candy. You didn't watch Strangers with Candy. No, creep me out.

Amy Sedaris has a friend in it called Tammy Little Nut, and she she's in this movie she plays jack mcbrayer's wife um and she's a little bit nude in this and i always had i always had quite to the tammy little nut thing i saw her one time uh outside ucb and i was too afraid to talk to her i think it's a little bit weird that uh you know the girl from have you ever did you ever watch undeclared? I thought that was so fucking awkward, dude. The Jack McBrayer thing was so awkward. Like, it was such a non-thing to me. Jordan, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the girl from Undeclared.

Main girl from Undeclared. I didn't watch that too much. Yeah, I know who the main girl is, sure. Super cute. For some reason, all the other actors from the, you know, Judd Apatow world. Sure. All getting all these big parts. As far as I can tell, the only part she's gotten out of it is

joke sex in two different movies. Oh, yeah? What if she hadn't had joke sex? She was joke sex. She might have been joke sex in three movies. She might have been joke sex in Knocked Up and joke sex in Superbad. I might be misremembering that,

but she was definitely joke sex in this one and in at least one of the other ones. Joke sex. Yeah, just, there was a joke sex montage in this one. She was in a joke sex

montage in the past. Sure. I think, you know, she's got significant charms and should be, you know, I guess what I'm saying is they should show her dong. Her woman's dong.

Her woman dong. Yeah, absolutely. Our theme music is by The Free Design. It's called Love You. A couple of people have sent me Nordic commercials that feature our theme music in them. Oh, yeah? And yes, that is our theme music at the end of the movie Stranger Than Fiction. But it's not worth watching Stranger Than Fiction just to see it at the end.

This movie's a snooze. Oh, yeah? No, a total snooze. Super snoozer-y now. Anyway, we'll be back next week. You thought the fucking British guy was funny? I thought he was pretty good, yeah. I didn't love him.

I didn't get it. I'm like, what is that a parody of? What is he supposed to be? He's just like a rock and roll guy. There's no rock and roll guy like that.'s like that he's just he's just a guy he's just like oh he's just being weird for no reason but what about when paul rudd went okay monster man that was fine but that was really funny i don't know i would say okay monster man yeah well all right i mean you gotta admit he did say, okay, Monster Man.

I'm not saying he didn't say it. He did say it, though. Why are you denying it? It seemed labored. Did you know, Jordan? It seemed forced. It seemed forcefully wacky. Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Did you notice that Veronica Mars was in that movie? Yeah. Very charming. Yeah. A lovely young woman. But, I mean, you have to understand, she is in that movie with two titans of sexuality, one being 70's show and one being Tammy Little Nut.

I think those two moons eclipsed her son. Okay, we have to stop this thing. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, Go.